00:00:00
a couple of months ago I got a call from
00:00:12
my daughter school she's in the second
00:00:14
grade it was about 3pm and she was
00:00:16
crying uncontrollably at the end of the
00:00:20
school day all of her friends had left
00:00:22
for a birthday party that she knew
00:00:24
nothing about now she was invited to the
00:00:27
party it's just that it wasn't on my
00:00:29
calendar it wasn't on my husband's
00:00:30
calendar and so she didn't know about it
00:00:33
and suffice it to say she was devastated
00:00:36
Sam's story right well here's the thing
00:00:40
this exact scenario had happened on more
00:00:44
than one occasion and it gets worse I
00:00:48
can anticipate that this exact scenario
00:00:52
was going to happen there's something
00:00:55
that I could do in order to prevent it
00:00:57
from happening but on more than one
00:01:00
occasion I haven't I have intentionally
00:01:03
dropped the ball now before you start
00:01:07
throwing tomatoes at me because I must
00:01:09
be a very evil person or at least a very
00:01:11
bad mom I would love to take you back in
00:01:14
time to tell you how we got to this
00:01:15
moment my name is Tiffany doufu my
00:01:19
life's work is advancing women and girls
00:01:21
that's pretty much why I'm on the planet
00:01:24
so my life is very simple I know what's
00:01:26
on my tombstone and I'm just kind of
00:01:28
project managing my life backwards that
00:01:32
is how I find meaning right that's the
00:01:34
story that I choose to tell and for most
00:01:37
of this journey I've been very focused
00:01:39
on this one problem around women's
00:01:42
advancement which has to do with women's
00:01:44
leadership this is a study by McKinsey
00:01:47
and Lehman basically you won't be
00:01:49
surprised to know that even though women
00:01:50
are half the population and half of
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entry-level employees by the time you
00:01:55
get to the c-suite were at about
00:01:57
nineteen percent and this is true for
00:01:58
pretty much every sector of our society
00:02:00
we're hovering about eighteen or
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nineteen percent these numbers haven't
00:02:04
really changed for the past 20 years and
00:02:06
I've been trying to figure out what are
00:02:08
we going to do about this now for most
00:02:10
of my career I've been focused on Kauai
00:02:12
did solutions to the women's leadership
00:02:14
problem things like equal pay for equal
00:02:17
work affordable childcare right flexible
00:02:21
workplace practices public policy
00:02:24
corporate practices cultures where women
00:02:26
can really bring their full selves to
00:02:29
the table and the reason why i feel that
00:02:32
women's leadership is really important
00:02:34
is because Taniya doesn't matter so much
00:02:36
what you care the most about it could be
00:02:39
the environment it could be the health
00:02:41
care it could be education at the end of
00:02:44
the day there are people sitting around
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tables that look just like this and nice
00:02:48
sometimes they're marable sometimes
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there would but they're usually in big
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plush leather chairs and these people at
00:02:54
the highest levels of leadership or
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making decisions that impact every
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single one of us for most of our time in
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this country that we have a few notable
00:03:02
exceptions that we love to celebrate
00:03:04
this group of people sitting around
00:03:06
these table are largely men they're
00:03:09
largely white they're largely straight
00:03:11
and able-bodied and wealthy and make no
00:03:13
mistake I have a lot of friends who are
00:03:15
white and male and able-bodied and
00:03:17
straight and wealthy there's nothing
00:03:18
wrong with that group of people it's
00:03:20
just that we've got enough research now
00:03:22
that shows that a diverse group of
00:03:24
people coming together to solve a
00:03:26
problem leads to a more innovative
00:03:28
outcome so I figure that one of the
00:03:30
things that we can do to solve some of
00:03:32
our most complex problems is to bring a
00:03:35
more diverse group of people around
00:03:37
these tables I think that that would do
00:03:40
the world a very a very very good thing
00:03:43
the challenge is that although we don't
00:03:49
have that many people of color women of
00:03:53
different disabilities people from the
00:03:56
LGBT community sitting around these
00:03:58
tables I found that these collective
00:04:01
solutions especially about four or five
00:04:03
years ago started to in some ways be
00:04:06
insufficient in order for us to solve
00:04:08
this problem and it happened basically
00:04:10
because I got very overwhelmed trying to
00:04:13
manage the number of requests that i was
00:04:15
getting four coffees and lunches and
00:04:17
meetings and many of you might be at a
00:04:18
place in your leadership where you're
00:04:19
constantly getting pinged and constantly
00:04:21
getting these kinds of requests and i
00:04:23
decided that i would start saying yes to
00:04:25
every single
00:04:26
of them now I do not advise this it's
00:04:28
just that my life's work is advancing
00:04:30
women and girls and so I felt the need
00:04:31
to sit down and have a conversation with
00:04:33
every woman that reached out to me and
00:04:35
one of the things that I observed in
00:04:37
these conversations is that while I was
00:04:39
very focused on helping women to aspire
00:04:42
to more ambition to be a CEO to be a
00:04:45
senator to be a business mobile most of
00:04:48
the conversation was around very
00:04:50
personal things very personal aspects of
00:04:53
their lives and I found over and over
00:04:55
again this very direct correlation
00:04:57
between a woman's ambition her desire to
00:05:01
be at the highest levels of leadership
00:05:02
and the amount of work or responsibility
00:05:06
she felt in her personal life usually on
00:05:09
the home front and one of the questions
00:05:12
that I often got in relationship to this
00:05:15
was to me a very personal question it
00:05:17
had nothing to do with all of the big
00:05:19
public policies or corporate practices
00:05:21
that I was preaching about which was
00:05:22
Tiffany I just want to know how are you
00:05:26
managing all of these things how are you
00:05:29
managing being a wife and being a mother
00:05:32
and running an organization and doing
00:05:36
things like writing books and I began to
00:05:39
tell my personal story and in doing so I
00:05:41
had to share what I felt at that time
00:05:44
was my dirty feminist secret which was
00:05:47
that for most of my career even though
00:05:51
publicly I was the staunch advocate for
00:05:54
women and leadership that I felt an
00:05:59
enormous amount of pressure at home this
00:06:02
is a Time magazine report and you should
00:06:05
go back and look at it because one of
00:06:07
the things that blew me away was this
00:06:09
idea that eighty percent of young women
00:06:12
millennial women felt that it was
00:06:14
important to be the perfect mom the
00:06:17
perfect mom so not only did I have all
00:06:20
these responsibilities at home I felt
00:06:22
this pressure to execute them flawlessly
00:06:25
and even though I was always talking
00:06:28
about how women's roles in the public
00:06:30
sphere needed to be disrupted I was
00:06:32
essentially on Stepford wife auto pilot
00:06:34
at home and I didn't want anyone to know
00:06:36
this now this auto pilot was particular
00:06:40
really driven by this phenomenon that I
00:06:43
talk about in the book called HPD this
00:06:45
is called home control disease it's
00:06:48
basically when you feel that everything
00:06:51
in your home should be done a particular
00:06:54
way which is basically your way and I
00:06:56
know no one in this room has ever had a
00:06:59
case of hcd I had a very very very bad
00:07:02
case and it manifested in all kinds of
00:07:05
small little things that had amounted to
00:07:07
something big so for example I loved
00:07:10
fresh food I love to cook and I was
00:07:12
almost every day so let's say on Monday
00:07:15
I made meatloaf and on Tuesday I made
00:07:17
fajitas and on Wednesday I made fried
00:07:19
chicken on Thursday when my husband was
00:07:22
at home by himself because I was off to
00:07:23
some work meeting I would expect him to
00:07:26
eat the meatloaf first because I had all
00:07:29
of these running expiration dates in my
00:07:31
head for all of the leftovers that were
00:07:32
in the fridge and I would come home and
00:07:35
he'd eat in the fried chicken I would
00:07:36
open the fridge and I would be like why
00:07:38
didn't you eat the fried chicken why
00:07:39
didn't you eat the meatloaf and he would
00:07:40
say well baby I really like your fried
00:07:42
chicken and I was like so you don't like
00:07:43
my meal oh and he would know not to say
00:07:45
anything else now this seems very small
00:07:47
and insignificant the difference between
00:07:49
meatloaf and fried chicken but
00:07:51
manifested in all these other kinds of
00:07:54
ways for example I used to feel that it
00:07:56
was important that all of the hangers in
00:07:58
the closet face the same direction and I
00:08:01
would go back through when I was fix
00:08:02
them we have an amen here we're in
00:08:04
church now this is great ok i also used
00:08:07
to feel that it was very important to
00:08:09
take all of the mail from the mailbox
00:08:11
and deal with it on the same day to like
00:08:13
get rid of all the junk mail and opened
00:08:15
the envelopes because otherwise it was
00:08:16
pilot but i would just mean more work
00:08:18
for me i also felt that it was really
00:08:21
important that all of the towels in the
00:08:23
linen closet be folded a certain way and
00:08:25
i would actually be really annoyed when
00:08:26
people wouldn't fold them correctly and
00:08:28
i would go back and fix it one of the
00:08:31
things that was really important to me
00:08:32
was that whenever someone sent you a
00:08:35
birthday party invitation that you
00:08:37
responded right away because if you
00:08:40
didn't that person would think that you
00:08:41
were very rude and you might even miss
00:08:44
the party now I want to be clear that
00:08:47
for all of my obsession in hindsight
00:08:50
about what
00:08:51
needed to happen at home I thought of
00:08:53
myself as a very modern woman very
00:08:56
ambitious woman my husband and I were in
00:08:59
this very modern couplehood even though
00:09:02
if you had done an analysis of our
00:09:03
household division of labor in 1997
00:09:06
we've been married for 20 years it was
00:09:09
the same as a couple in 1950 and we
00:09:12
never really questioned this now I was
00:09:14
able to maintain pretty much
00:09:16
flawlessness at home and at work for
00:09:20
many many years and thought I was so big
00:09:22
and bad and in control until this one
00:09:24
life changing event which was that we
00:09:26
had a child and if there are any parents
00:09:29
in the room you can already predict that
00:09:31
basically my perfection at home and at
00:09:33
work spiral downhill rather rapidly and
00:09:36
so I had to figure out how I was going
00:09:40
to drop some balls and I want to be
00:09:43
really transparent with you I didn't
00:09:44
intentionally decide to drop balls in
00:09:47
the very beginning I basically just got
00:09:49
so overwhelmed and stressed that i
00:09:51
started dropping them and what I
00:09:52
discovered was that the world didn't
00:09:55
fall apart like no one came to read me
00:09:57
my Miranda rights because I didn't pay
00:09:59
the parking ticket and no one ever
00:10:01
called me to say I'm going to be your
00:10:02
friend anymore because you missed the
00:10:04
birthday party there are three things
00:10:06
very quickly that I want to share with
00:10:07
you that I had to learn to drop in this
00:10:10
journey the first ball that I had to
00:10:12
learn the drop was unrealistic
00:10:13
expectation about who I was supposed to
00:10:16
be because what I realized is that I
00:10:18
spent a lot of time trying to fulfill
00:10:20
different roles my first role was
00:10:22
daughter maybe yours was daughter or son
00:10:25
I became a friend I was a sister I was a
00:10:29
student a worker eventually I became a
00:10:31
wife and a mother and by default I put
00:10:34
like many women do and quite frankly
00:10:36
many men do the word good in front of
00:10:38
all of my role so it wasn't sufficient
00:10:41
to be a daughter I have to be a good
00:10:43
daughter wasn't sufficient to be a
00:10:45
student I need to be a good student and
00:10:47
a good worker and a good friend and a
00:10:49
good wife and a good mother and it turns
00:10:51
out that for all of those roles that we
00:10:53
play there's actually a job description
00:10:56
no one ever told us what the job
00:10:58
description was but I promise you
00:10:59
there's a job description for each one
00:11:02
of those roles for example in order be a
00:11:03
good sister and I'm the old
00:11:04
24 girl you have to respond to your
00:11:07
sisters text messages within two minutes
00:11:08
otherwise they'll think that you don't
00:11:10
love them right in order to be a good
00:11:11
mom you have to be there when your child
00:11:13
takes their first step right in order
00:11:16
for you to be a good husband you have to
00:11:19
aspire to be a breadwinner at all caught
00:11:21
even the cost of spending time with your
00:11:24
family even the cost of supporting the
00:11:26
women in your lives and so what I had to
00:11:28
do was move from being obsessed with
00:11:31
performance of these roles to figuring
00:11:33
out what really mattered most to me
00:11:35
where did I find meaning and how was I
00:11:38
going to use that to shape my story the
00:11:41
second ball that I had to learn to drop
00:11:43
was this ball about what I was supposed
00:11:45
to do a few years ago I did a workshop
00:11:48
with a group of women there were about
00:11:50
70 in the room and it was supposed to be
00:11:52
this time management workshop and I
00:11:54
asked all of them to write down
00:11:56
everything you expected to complete in
00:11:57
an ideal day and I mean every single
00:11:59
little things start with you get up you
00:12:01
go to the gym maybe you lie in bed for
00:12:03
20 minutes thinking about how you're
00:12:05
supposed to go to the gym right you get
00:12:07
up you get dressed you have a commute
00:12:08
you prepare for meetings every single
00:12:10
little thing until you can't think of
00:12:12
anything else and I asked them to write
00:12:15
down next to every single one of those
00:12:16
things how long you felt it would take
00:12:19
to complete each and every one of those
00:12:21
items and then I ask them some the total
00:12:24
at the bottom well you won't be
00:12:27
surprised to know that not one person in
00:12:31
the room had a list that amounted to
00:12:33
less than the 24 hours that any of us
00:12:36
have in a day and only half the women in
00:12:38
the room had put sleep on their list and
00:12:40
I had in that moment what I call a
00:12:42
Tiffany's epiphany basically I thought
00:12:46
well it's no wonder that so many of us
00:12:48
are walking around with such feelings of
00:12:50
inadequacy when our expectation about
00:12:53
what we're supposed to do even in one
00:12:55
given day is woefully woefully
00:12:58
unrealistic is actually humanly
00:13:00
impossible to complete what most of us
00:13:02
think we're supposed to be doing in an
00:13:03
ideal day given the 24 hours that we all
00:13:06
have and so I have to figure out what is
00:13:08
my highest and best use instead of
00:13:11
managing my life on default and just
00:13:13
doing all of the things and creating a
00:13:15
bunch of to-do list what is my highest
00:13:17
and best views
00:13:18
in achieving one of the things that
00:13:20
matters most to me the third law that I
00:13:23
had to drop was the most ironic ball for
00:13:26
someone whose life's work is supporting
00:13:29
and helping other people which is that I
00:13:31
had to get over this fear of asking for
00:13:34
help okay and it was really really bad
00:13:38
for me folks I I would say that I was
00:13:42
more afraid of asking for help than I
00:13:45
was of actually dropping balls and one
00:13:48
of the people that I learned in my drop
00:13:50
the ball journey to engage and to get
00:13:52
help from was my husband in fact one of
00:13:55
the things that i delegated with joy to
00:13:58
him was the management of our kids
00:14:00
social calendar you know it's a role
00:14:02
that often times in relationships
00:14:04
defaults to the woman but it turns out
00:14:07
that the person who is the social
00:14:08
butterfly in the relationship is the
00:14:10
person who has often best equipped to
00:14:13
manage the children's social calendar so
00:14:16
here's the thing though even though I've
00:14:18
been through this drop the ball journey
00:14:20
and its really really rewarding for me
00:14:24
one of the things that I've learned is
00:14:27
that the world haven't quite evolved for
00:14:31
women who have dropped the ball or
00:14:32
reeling families who have for example no
00:14:37
one ever sends a child's birthday party
00:14:40
invitation to their dad sometimes I
00:14:44
commit this tiny act of defiance when I
00:14:47
get it in my inbox and I send it back to
00:14:49
the person and I say thank you so much
00:14:52
for inviting a clue or Kofi to the party
00:14:55
their father manages their social
00:14:57
calendar can you please send him the end
00:15:00
I give his email address but sometimes
00:15:03
with the onslaught of everything that's
00:15:05
coming at me my email box the meetings
00:15:08
rushing from here to there I start
00:15:11
relentlessly asking myself might drop
00:15:13
the ball question is responding to this
00:15:15
birthday party invitation my highest and
00:15:18
best use in raising conscious global
00:15:21
citizens and the answer is no and so I
00:15:24
move on to the next thing and that's how
00:15:28
we ended up with this situation in which
00:15:31
my daughter
00:15:32
the birthday party this is a kuwa she
00:15:37
just turned eight on Saturday so she had
00:15:41
her own birthday party on Saturday she
00:15:43
loves doughnuts with pink frosting and
00:15:46
sprinkles and a couple of months ago on
00:15:49
the day that she missed someone else's
00:15:50
birthday party even though I had no outs
00:15:53
of guilt I soaked a lot of empathy for
00:15:56
her because she was heartbroken on that
00:15:57
day and so I brought her a doughnut and
00:16:00
I read her her favorite story every time
00:16:04
I share this I usually have people in
00:16:06
the audience or that come up to me
00:16:08
afterward and they say Tiffany I get it
00:16:10
but I just couldn't do it I just
00:16:13
couldn't do it especially when you
00:16:15
showed that picture of a coup and she
00:16:16
was really really cute and she had her
00:16:18
doughnut and I want every single one of
00:16:20
you in this room to know that I
00:16:22
completely understand and I was there
00:16:26
it's just that in the seven years since
00:16:29
I've dropped the ball I've been able to
00:16:32
run a national women's leadership
00:16:34
organization I've raised millions of
00:16:37
dollars for women's and girls causes
00:16:40
I've even written a book called drop the
00:16:43
ball that I hope will reach a lot of
00:16:46
women and to help them with their
00:16:47
journeys and if if anything that I've
00:16:53
done in the past seven years helps to
00:16:56
create a world in which my little akula
00:16:58
can grow up to aspire to be anything
00:17:01
that she wants to be I just feel like
00:17:04
it's worth it I feel like it's worth it
00:17:07
for her to miss one or two birthday
00:17:10
parties and that's what I want to share
00:17:12
with you today so thank you so much
00:17:15
[Music]
00:17:18
you
