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[Music]
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hi good evening I'm Kelsey crow i'm the
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author of there's no good card for this
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what to do and say when life is scary
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awful and unfair to the people you love
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and i am also feeling like a lot of self
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improvement efforts are going to be
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going my way after your presentation i
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wrote the book based on work that I and
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several other people do for an
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organization i founded called help each
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other out and we create tools that are
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practical that make it easier for us as
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friends of colleagues as neighbors even
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as strangers to support each other when
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we're going through something difficult
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that could be lost illness divorce you
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name it any difficult time that can make
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a shy away when we don't know what to do
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or say and I open the book with a story
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that I want to share with you tonight
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and it's actually a story that happened
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between me and my friend katie katie and
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kelsey to moms were out for a run one
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morning as the two friends ran slowly up
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a hill katie chatted idly about herself
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what should i do this weekend maybe a
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movie though i need a haircut something
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short should i get bangs again then
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kelsey slowed to a stop Katie kelsey
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said i was diagnosed with breast cancer
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yesterday Katie's mouth went dry what do
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I say I'm so sorry she said that must be
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so horrible for you and then she said
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have you seen terms of endearment the
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two friends were at the bottom of the
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hill now they stopped again and Kelsey
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as if catching her breath stared at her
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incredulously the movie yeah Katie sent
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with Debra Winger right and she's a mom
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who dies of breast cancer Oh Katie's
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mind tumbled and turned she was talking
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about that movie but she meant to
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reference another part a funny part
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humor was always Katie's first resort
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for everything including being scared
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we've all been there haven't we for you
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regret the thing that you said or did
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your driving in the car cringing we've
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also lost phul we've also all been that
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person in pain we may not have
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experienced the same situation of
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somebody else but we know what it is to
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be in our darkest hour you may for
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example be a stranger to the loss of a
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significant loved one but you may be no
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stranger to being lost and profound
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grief you may be a stranger to losing
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your job but you are no stranger to
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having your confidence broken tapping
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into our shared experience of pain even
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when our situations that enveloped that
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pain are different is the practice of
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empathy and that's why in my work would
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help each other out in the book I talk
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about practical things to say and do and
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I also talk about empathy and how we can
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feel confident that we actually already
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know what to do being in pain and not
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knowing what to do shows us that we are
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not on the 18 and as anybody who's been
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in a difficult time knows being on the B
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team is no fun grief rearranges your
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address book grief is a time for us to
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know who you can count on and who you
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can't and yet if if it is so important
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for us to be there for each other if it
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is so important that we connect why
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don't we and that's where I name three
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empathy roblox to showing up
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these may be that I don't have the time
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right our lives are busy they're full
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who has a time to add one more person
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onto their plate it may be that I don't
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want to make things worse that what I do
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or say is actually going to make someone
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feel even worse than they already do or
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we feel like we don't want to pry but I
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don't belong in this situation but they
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wouldn't want me to acknowledge what
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they're going through but here's the
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thing we're making this all way harder
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than it has to be and I learned this
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from my daughter Georgia who was five
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years old at the time we were driving
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and she asked me from the back seat mom
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what do you do for a living that's a
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difficult question for me but I ventured
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a response and I said Georgia I try to
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help friends be there for each other oh
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she said that's easy she should not do
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PR for my book I said it's easy why what
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would you do and she said this you gave
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some ideas of what friends can do for
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each other when they're sad thank you
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sorry mm-hmm you want to play with me
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want to kick down your screen mm-hmm I
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fell um you wanna take a break do you
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want you have a little hug that's it I'm
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done except I'm not right it sounds so
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simple and simple isn't always easy
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something happens to us from when were
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that age to now where we become all self
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conscious about how to be there for
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French and a lot of that boils down to
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us believing that we have failed in the
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path to connect and that we are actually
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just not good at this there must be me
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imagine some perfect person out there
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with the perfect
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gesture that could heal this person's
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pain but if you've been in pain is that
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perfect person the one you're looking
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for to support you usually it's the
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opposite we're not looking for the
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perfect person to help us in our darkest
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hour and we are not looking for the
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perfect gesture to get us through our
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difficult time and this I realize is
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very instrumental when thinking about
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how we can reach out to others in their
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difficult time I have here gesture cards
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which ask people to describe something
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that got them through their difficult
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time often these are acts that are
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remembered recalled from years back and
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that people still remember today and
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here are some examples talking just the
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opportunity to talk about what you're
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going through my sister came to my house
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after a terrible breakup and made me
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something to eat she doesn't normally
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come over it meant a lot my auntie
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babysits my brother and my mom gets
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medicine I had a miscarriage and my
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colleague sent me a beautiful bouquet of
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flowers with a lovely heartfelt message
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attached a friend I hadn't heard from in
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years wrote a card that said you are in
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the hands of many capable people
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including your own how many of these
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gestures require a significant grasp of
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human psychology how many of them
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actually take a lot of time not much we
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put a whole lot more pressure on
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ourselves to be the perfect person than
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anyone in a difficult time is I did a
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lot of research asking people what work
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for you and what didn't to get you
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through your difficult time a lot of
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that is the basis of the
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and of my workshops and I presented this
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opportunity for people to talk with me
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as an opportunity to vent get this off
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your chest this person didn't do this
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this person didn't do that they should
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have done this and they should have done
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that and what they would tell me over
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and over again was the value of just
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showing up but that's what they
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remembered more than what anybody said
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or did and that was very hard for me I
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believe because I was really looking to
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stay out of the doghouse and I wanted
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rules for the road to keep other case I
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could not believe that really just
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showing up was so important and then I
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went to a training by dr. Garfield he
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founded a nonprofit called Shanti that
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helps people volunteers who care for the
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sick and dying and in his training he
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opens it up by saying people want skills
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they want to know how to do this how to
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do that but more than skills what really
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really gets you trust is the kindness
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that brings you to them in the first
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place and I should have realized that
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just from my own personal story because
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obviously a lot of people have this
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cringe-inducing experience of not
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knowing what to do or say right we've
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all been there then we shake it off and
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move on but I couldn't move on and this
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is the reason that i started help each
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other out see I only grew up with my mom
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I didn't know my dad and I had no
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extended relatives she was my tiny very
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loving family she also had schizophrenia
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and when I was 19 she stopped taking her
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psychotropic medication and when I was
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23 she became so paranoid that she
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changed the locks changed her phone
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number and shut me out of her life
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entirely
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there were no phone calls there were no
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cars because the loss of the mind does
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not have a ritual for morning and save
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for the support of my very close friends
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and one of whom is here tonight the loss
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of my entire family happened without a
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mention what I did with that grief was
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not to know how to support somebody else
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in their difficult time but it did make
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me know that it mattered in our society
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we're conditioned to think that being
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productive is how we contribute and what
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one woman told me whose child has a
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terrible terrible disease is that just
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by listening people are really
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contributing to the conversation how can
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we make our kindness manageable so that
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we actually show up and sometimes you
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may not even be a very good listener so
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what else can you do you may not be
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around to listen so that's where I
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devised the empathy menu it's a roster
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of things that you can do to support
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somebody in a good time in a difficult
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time it could be cooking it could be
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driving it could be cleaning you could
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be listening it could be writing a
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really great card but i did say cooking
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and the thing is is I hate to cook you
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do not want my casserole no matter how
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sick you are and herein lies the beauty
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of the empty menu is that you pick from
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that empathy menu two to three things
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that you like to do to the three things
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that actually give you joy to do for
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example i do like buying flowers getting
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to put together a bouquet for me that's
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some good me time I can do that for
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somebody else and no
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is going to ask me and that's the thing
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about kindness if people do not ask you
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to be kind you just have to offer it but
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to offer it you have to trust your
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authentic gift so you pick from your
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empathy menu two to three things that
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you like to do and offer that gift that
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small gift is adequate and because we
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can be in a village where everyone
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offers a small gift that adequate
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becomes awesome because adequate is
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better than nothing
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[Applause]
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[Music]
