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Friends without Benefits

August 21, 2018 / 26:33

This episode features Nancy Rothbart, chair of the management department at Wharton, and Julianna Polymer, a doctoral candidate at Wharton, discussing their paper titled "Friends Without Benefits: Understanding the Dark Side of Workplace Friendships." They examine the complexities of workplace friendships, highlighting both their benefits and challenges.

Julianna explains that the inspiration for their research stemmed from her observations of how friendships at work can be enriching yet complicated. She notes that while friendships can enhance the work experience, they can also lead to distractions and difficulties in decision-making.

Nancy adds that close friendships can create tension in group dynamics, making it harder to address important issues. They discuss how social media blurs the lines between personal and professional relationships, amplifying both positive and negative aspects of workplace friendships.

The conversation emphasizes the need for managers to be aware of these dynamics and to create structures that foster inclusivity while managing the potential downsides of friendship in the workplace.

Overall, the episode provides insights into how workplace friendships can impact organizational outcomes and the importance of navigating these relationships thoughtfully.

TL;DR

Nancy Rothbart and Julianna Polymer discuss the complexities and challenges of workplace friendships in their research paper.

Episode

26:33
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our guests today are Nancy Rothbart
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who's the chair of the management
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department at Wharton and Julianna
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polymer a doctoral candidate at Wharton
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whose research focuses on organizational
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behavior we're going to talk with them
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today about their paper which is titled
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friends without benefits understanding
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the dark side of workplace friendships
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Julianne and Nancy thank you so much for
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joining us at knowledge at Wharton
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thanks Michael thanks for having us so
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all of us spend such a lot of time at
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work and one would assume that having
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friendly relations with our co-workers
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is overall a good thing what led you to
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explore the dark side of workplace
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friendships Julianne would you like to
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start off in that sure yeah it's funny
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that you say that that was sort of an
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inspiration for thinking about the
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complexities because so many people
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assume that it's just sort of uniformly
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a good thing and so the inspiration for
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this paper came out as actually taking a
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course with Nancy on identity in
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organizations and this research would
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have tapped a sweet spot between a gap I
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saw in research that's been done and
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observations I made I saw in the real
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world so basically most of the work that
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talked about the way relationships
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outside of work influence your work were
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focused on family and there was almost
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no research looking at the influence of
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friendships and for me at the time I was
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in my mid-20s a lot of my friend you
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know none of my friends were married
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none of them had kids and the topic of
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conversation was constantly friendships
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and how their friendships at work were
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both really enriching and life-giving
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and also sort of exceedingly complex and
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even led some people to want to switch
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organizations at times and so for me
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this was fascinating and I saw an
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opportunity to work with Nancy to sort
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of dig into you know friendship at work
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more deeply and not only from this sort
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of it's uniformly good standpoint but
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what are some of the challenges and
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complexities that accompany friendship
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and what I think is so fascinating about
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this question is that of course we don't
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mean to suggest that friendship is not a
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good thing
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right it French
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that work can be really really valuable
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to people but what is really fascinating
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to us is that it's not this uniformly
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good thing where there are these
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complexities there are these tensions
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that arise because of a number of
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features of organizational life which
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make friendship more difficult to
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navigate in the workplace and so what we
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did was we started to try to explore the
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juxtaposition between some of these
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tensions and and with the features of
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organizational life and in particular
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what we looked at was the fact that
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friendship has this informal quality to
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it this voluntary nature to it it has
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aspects where really the primary goals
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are relational and socio-emotional and
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it you know it really and it really has
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a dynamic which involves communal types
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of exchange based norms where you know
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need be you know if I need you you're
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gonna you're gonna respond whereas a lot
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of features of organizations really
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focus on things like formal roles or you
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know you can't always control who you're
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put together with in a group with you
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you have this involuntary relationships
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that sometimes are necessitated there
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are lots of instrumental goals that you
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need to pursue not necessarily
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relational goals to achieve
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organizational outcomes and you have a
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lot of exchange based or reciprocity
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norms that really dominate a lot of
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times rather than need based norms and
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so these different features of
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organizational I think they sort of
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clash sometimes with friendship and so
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navigating how to be a good friend
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within an organizational context can be
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really challenging and it does it and
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also has implications for other aspects
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of the organization
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so those were the things that we really
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were curious to explore more deeply what
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are some insights that turned up as you
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did went about your research yeah
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absolutely so so one of the insights was
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kind of what needs you just described
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which is that sort of the defining
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features of friendship can be
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fundamentally in conflict with with the
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defining features of organizational life
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and that sort of struck us as you know
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you see more and more organizations
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famously you know being proponents of
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friendship and encouraging friendship
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and bringing you know foosball tables in
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and all these sort of things that are
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supposed to bring people closer and as
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Nancy said you know we think that that's
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a good thing and more and more sort of
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an inevitable aspect of organizations
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and you know it's not it's no longer is
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it okay to just assume that you'll show
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up to work and leave and and not relate
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with people in most instances and so you
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know what one one insight basically
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can't you know that came up is just that
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we need to think about how to manage
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these relationships more effectively
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given their inevitability I don't know
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if you want and you know a couple of
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other things one of the things that's
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really fascinating to us is that while
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friendship can have really a lot of
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individual benefits to people too much
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friendship can also lead to distraction
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in the workplace it can lead to needing
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to engage with other people in a way
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that can be emotionally taxing to you if
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it's too deep at one point we had a line
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in the paper in too deep right so
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sometimes you you kind of go into a
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relationship and you get caught up in
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some of the dynamics and it can be
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really distracting to you another
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another insight that we had was that
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when you are really close friends with
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people that can sometimes make it
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difficult to make hard decisions and
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there's a lot of research which shows
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that in group decision-making
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of situations interacting with people
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who are really similar to you and who
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you like a lot that makes it hard
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sometimes to raise those hard questions
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and to deliberate really carefully and
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to not just kind of come to a quick and
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easy decision but to really slog through
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some some tough stuff and so you know
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those kinds of challenges can occur as
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well so what might be an example yeah
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for conflict of a conflict so you know
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if you're if you're in a group and
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you're you're trying to make a hard
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decision about you know perhaps where to
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allocate you know some of your budget or
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or what have you and you know different
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people might have different pieces of
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information or they may have different
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perspectives on it but if they're
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friends it can be really hard to go
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against somebody who's advocating really
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strongly for one particular position
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because they might get mad at you and so
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you know you might hold back even though
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you believe there's another direction
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that might be better for the
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organization you might not want to
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offend a friend you don't want it you
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don't want to step on their toes and so
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sometimes that causes us to pull back
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and not really hash things out so that
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we can really see which of these options
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might be better and so there is there is
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quite a bit of research that shows that
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people do pull back in those kinds of
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circumstances and so having these really
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close bonds can be really challenging
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now what we also argue in this paper is
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that when you're really close with
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people truly truly close so if you're
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you know at an extreme you know level of
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friendship that gets ameliorated a
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little bit because you know you can you
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fight with your family you fight with
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your friends and you can make up with
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them and it's okay it's the it's sort of
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the middle ground where you're kind of
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friends with people but your
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relationship isn't so secure that you
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know it can withstand the fight that you
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pull back and so you know there's a
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little bit of a caveat there so there's
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a there's a curvilinear effect that we
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described that we think is really
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important to consider and there's
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another category
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of challenges that we also highlight in
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the paper which is that sometimes when
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there's the there are a lot of close
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friendship relationships in an
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organization that becomes visible to
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other people and if if there are certain
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relationships that are certain people
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who are close and other people who are
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not close then the people who are on the
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outside looking in it can get really
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upset and so it's the classic clique
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type of situation where you know what
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Giuliana and I described the high school
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cafeteria right it's the classic you
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know you know you want to be in the
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in-group and you're not and kind of see
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them around the table and that's really
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upsetting and so sometimes strong
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friendships can have this really really
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inadvertent negative effect not on the
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people within the friendship but on the
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other people in the organization who
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feel excluded yeah yeah I think just to
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sum up what what Nancy beautifully
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describes you know so it's a part of art
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one of our core insights was when
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friendships are considered to be sort of
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uniformly positive it's often from the
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perspective of an individual and does
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this feel really great you know - it
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feels awesome to connect with people it
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probably makes you want to show up to
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work you know it makes things fun but
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you really need to consider these sort
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of other levels of analysis you know
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where might not be great for group
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outcomes it might not be getting great
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for organizational outcomes so really
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taking a more holistic look at the
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impact of what might seem like a great
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individual relationship and that can
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cascade in sort of negative ways and
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what people need to do is they need to
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really think about this carefully so you
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know if you're in this really close
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friendship you need to be aware of the
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impact that's having on other people
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right and you need to be aware that
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other people might be feeling excluded
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or you might you know need to think
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about being more deliberately inclusive
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of other people things like that are
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really important
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to keep in mind because you know a lot
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of times you're in this bubble of the
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friendship and you're just not aware of
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the impact it's having on these other
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organizational outcomes how you see the
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role of Technology in all this because
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technology seems to have has the effect
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of blurring the boundaries to some
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extent between personal and professional
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relationships so for example there are
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you know a number of my colleagues who
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are also my friends on social media now
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is this necessarily a good thing or a
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bad thing or both you've clearly read
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our paper and I know our research and
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know the things that are on our minds so
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this is something that is so so
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centrally on our minds because it's it's
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really all around us and we think it's
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changing the dynamic of how people are
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interacting at work and so this was a
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very big theme for us as we explored
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this question and so I'm gonna turn it
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to Julianna to give some thoughts and
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then all I'll show ya so it's
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interesting how you said blurring the
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boundaries because we thought a lot
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about this and that's sort of the
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language that people usually use when
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they when they talk about the the
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blurring of professional and personal
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boundaries and when we really thought
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about sort of what the correct analogy
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was we came up with this idea of
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boundary transparency right where social
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media sort of provides this window into
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your personal life you know whether it's
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with your kids or you know the stuff
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you're doing on the weekend or you know
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god forbid someone wants to go back and
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look at what you're doing ten years ago
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you know in your photos so it's this
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really something that didn't exist maybe
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five or ten years ago in terms of just
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this one click connecting with with a
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colleague that almost seems mindless for
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many people and it really it really is
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the sort of floodgate of disclosure in
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this different form in this multimedia
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form that can really bring you closer
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but also maybe lead to some discoveries
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that that you kind of wish you didn't
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know and absolutely I think that what we
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fought what we feel is really critical
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as an insight about social
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and technology visa vie friendship at
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work is that it's it's amplifying a lot
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of these dark sides because it's I mean
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it's also amplifying the the positives
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right it's allowing us to connect to
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people in ways that and more deeply
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right but that also leads to this
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inadvertent some some inadvertent
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challenges that we've already been
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discussing and highlight some of them so
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for example when you're connected to
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somebody on social media that affords
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you a window into their into their
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personal life but it also makes it more
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difficult for you to tailor some of
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those disclosures in a way that is more
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targeted to the person you're talking to
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so if I post my pictures from my
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vacation on social media and I'm
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connected with people at work they all
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know that I was in France on spring
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break
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and you know that I have my kids there
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and they've you know they might have
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seen you know my my kids in some
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not-so-great situations right or are
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they you know they might have they met
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and they and they they'll be aware right
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that I wasn't working for the last week
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and that might be okay you know but
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maybe somebody was really annoyed at me
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because they needed me for something and
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I would they think I was just lalala off
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in France you know and on vacation and
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they really needed me for something so
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you know and that's like a very very
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bland kind of example of what people
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might post right you know people also
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post opinions and those opinions may not
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be shared by everyone and so you know
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these kinds of disclosures on social
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media and through the kinds of
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technologies that we have available the
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connection technologies we have
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available are really making it more
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difficult to navigate friendships in
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more one-on-one ways
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because you have this broad this broad
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disclosure - or this disclosure to a
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broad or group of people that's not as
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targeted yeah yeah and we I'll just say
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one more thing you know we really know
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Nancy mentioned that they that social
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media sir - amplified the specific
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Darkseid's that we came up with for
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example we you know she discussed how
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the high school cafeteria right and you
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can see in person you know the cleats
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that are forming and and where you stand
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and social media is is a whole new you
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know people are posting photos you know
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I've certainly I've experienced I'm sure
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you guys have experienced oh you know
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these co-workers went and hung out
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without me and and that might be you
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know that might be a surprising thing
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you might not have even seen that cleek
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sort of in person in the office so
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that's an example of how social media
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can really amplify some of these
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existing Darkseid's that have always
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been there but but sort of give them new
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new light new life and again I think
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that it's it's not always a bad thing so
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we want to emphasize that right so
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sometimes when you see you have a window
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into somebody's personal life you get to
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know them more as a person and you have
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more context for what's going on with
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them you know you may understand that
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you know they were slow to respond an
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email but they've just posted that they
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had you know I you know their their
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family member was ill right and so you
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know you may have much more insight and
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you can kind of you can you can give
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them a break because you have more
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understanding of what's going on in
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their life so you know there can be
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really positive things to this - and we
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don't mean to suggest that it's all
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negative so be based on everything
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you've said so far how do you think
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manager should enhance the benefits
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which are many of workplace friendships
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while managing the downside
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what would you be revised to them that
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is a great question you want to start
00:17:38
sure yeah so you know some of the stuff
00:17:41
we've already discussed is you know we
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think first just managers and leaders
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having awareness
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of these that these challenges can even
00:17:50
arise you know I think that that that's
00:17:52
kind of the first step to you know okay
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if you're if you're you know the CEO of
00:17:58
some startup and you really want to you
00:18:01
know create this collegial culture and
00:18:02
that's wonderful you know you might want
00:18:05
to also put some things in place to
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ensure that these dark cents don't occur
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so you know perhaps every people maybe
00:18:12
don't choose their own teams but you
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have sort of people from different
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different areas of the organization on
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teams to guard against challenges with
00:18:20
decision making or you know for example
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I know like the design firm IDEO one
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thing that they do is they have sort of
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cross-functional lunches or events once
00:18:30
a week where you really encourage people
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who won't usually be interacting with
00:18:34
each other might not be as similar to
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ensure that you're not getting that sort
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of click silo effect so again yeah we're
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not saying you shouldn't encourage
00:18:43
friendship but but an awareness of the
00:18:46
dark sides and how to sort of guard
00:18:48
against them structurally within the
00:18:50
organization is a really great thing
00:18:52
that managers can do so it's also really
00:18:55
important for individuals to set
00:18:57
boundaries and so thinking about how
00:19:00
they how they interact with their
00:19:02
friends sometimes it's really important
00:19:04
to set expectations so you know you
00:19:06
might be very close friends with
00:19:07
somebody but we have expectations that
00:19:10
when we're in a meeting
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we are gonna challenge each other and
00:19:13
we're gonna talk about this explicitly
00:19:16
up front so that you know I'm not you
00:19:19
know I'm not doing this to because
00:19:22
because I'm annoyed at you I'm doing
00:19:23
this because this is what our job is a
00:19:26
second a second thing that you might
00:19:28
want to really think about from an
00:19:29
individual perspective in terms of
00:19:30
setting some boundaries is thinking
00:19:33
about you you might be great friends
00:19:35
with somebody but maybe you set times to
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catch up with them about various things
00:19:41
rather than then having them interrupt
00:19:43
you when you're trying to get your own
00:19:45
work done right so setting up lunches
00:19:48
with them or having coffee or having a
00:19:50
certain time of the day where you do
00:19:52
catch ups and so those are really
00:19:54
important types of rules if you will
00:19:58
that you need to adopt
00:20:01
with your friends to manage that
00:20:03
friendship so that doesn't become
00:20:04
individually taxing to you as well now
00:20:08
was there anything that surprised you as
00:20:09
he went about to research I think that
00:20:13
what surprised us is that there's been
00:20:17
so little done on friendship at work um
00:20:21
I mean that was that was amazing to us
00:20:23
and we we really scoured the literature
00:20:25
to find studies on this topic and you
00:20:29
know there was one study that we found
00:20:31
it which was very interesting that
00:20:33
looked at how you know friendship was
00:20:35
important but it had you know these
00:20:37
costs in terms of being emotionally
00:20:39
taxing to people and that was really
00:20:41
great because that study helped us to
00:20:43
really think about both the positives
00:20:45
and the bit and the negatives of
00:20:47
friendship at work but there were very
00:20:49
very few studies that explicitly looked
00:20:52
at friendship and it almost seemed like
00:20:54
it was a taboo for people to to be even
00:20:58
asking this question and that was
00:21:00
fascinating to us right because
00:21:02
friendship is really all around us at
00:21:04
work we spend a tremendous amount of our
00:21:06
time at work and and nowadays with with
00:21:12
technology nection technology and online
00:21:14
social media it's really that that line
00:21:17
between work and and personal is
00:21:19
becoming even more and more blurred and
00:21:21
so friendship is really an inevitable
00:21:25
part of the workplace and so the fact
00:21:27
that they were so little that we found
00:21:29
on it was a little bit surprising to us
00:21:32
yeah and to build off of that idea you
00:21:36
know the the work that did exist largely
00:21:38
just sort of didn't dig into the
00:21:41
complexities of of what friendship is
00:21:43
what it entails what differentiates it
00:21:46
from say a mentoring relationship or you
00:21:48
know just a casual acquaintance so so
00:21:51
part of the work that we did in this
00:21:53
paper was to say well what are these
00:21:55
core features that differentiate
00:21:56
friendship from other kinds of sort of
00:21:58
friendly relationships or mentoring
00:21:59
relationships and what are the unique
00:22:02
challenges that are eyes from from those
00:22:05
features and then we touched on this a
00:22:07
little bit but again you know there's
00:22:10
been very little distinction between
00:22:11
sort of levels of friendship right so
00:22:15
closeness maturity status differentials
00:22:18
in friendship and so we tried to touch
00:22:19
upon that and our paper to say you know
00:22:22
how how does for example a friendship
00:22:26
between a boss and subordinate differ
00:22:28
from a peer relationship how does a
00:22:30
friendship that's you know you've known
00:22:33
this person for 10 years differ from a
00:22:36
friendship that's burgeoning in the
00:22:37
first week so so we saw our core
00:22:40
contribution as as also digging into
00:22:42
those complexities and same friendships
00:22:45
different and they're all these
00:22:46
different flavors of friendship that
00:22:48
that can really influence outcomes and
00:22:50
to build on that a little bit I think
00:22:52
what's also really important for example
00:22:53
when you do have a friendship across
00:22:56
hierarchical lines which i think is
00:22:58
something that you know sometimes we see
00:23:00
is you've got to really be much more
00:23:04
vigilant about how it appears to other
00:23:07
people and so thinking about being very
00:23:12
careful about process and what's called
00:23:16
procedural justice right using
00:23:19
structures and processes and making very
00:23:22
explicit your decision-making criteria
00:23:24
becomes very very important when you
00:23:27
have people who are friends across
00:23:29
hierarchical lines because other people
00:23:31
looking in or judging and they're
00:23:34
usually looking at it and thinking that
00:23:37
the person who's the subordinate is
00:23:40
getting favoritism and so trying to
00:23:43
manage that is really critical if you've
00:23:47
got a friendship that crosses those
00:23:48
hierarchical lines as an example to wind
00:23:54
up what kind of questions for future
00:23:56
research they did come up as you were
00:23:59
going about your your studies and any
00:24:02
thoughts on that yeah I mean you know
00:24:05
building on what we just talked about
00:24:06
there's so little research and so much
00:24:08
more to be done in this area so we
00:24:10
thought that was you know there's so
00:24:11
many exciting avenues for future
00:24:13
research you know one domain is is that
00:24:18
you know the workplaces are really
00:24:19
changing and a much you know this is
00:24:22
true of a lot of research but kind of is
00:24:25
built on the idea of Western
00:24:27
educated you know predominantly white
00:24:29
male cultures and and so we think a
00:24:31
promising future direction is to think
00:24:33
about sort of the individual and then
00:24:36
organizational culture of you know the
00:24:39
people that better in the business and
00:24:41
and thinking about how that impacts
00:24:43
outcomes of friendships so for example
00:24:45
women might be more communal in their
00:24:47
modes of relating and be able to sort of
00:24:48
navigate this tension a little bit more
00:24:51
effectively or perhaps not you know we
00:24:52
don't really know or you know similarly
00:24:54
cultures that are known to be more
00:24:57
communal and their modes of relating you
00:24:58
know Asian cultures Latin American
00:25:00
cultures might have a different approach
00:25:01
to the sort of individualistic American
00:25:06
organization so we think that's a great
00:25:08
area for future research and we also
00:25:10
think that it's it would be really
00:25:12
interesting to look at these aspects of
00:25:15
social media and technology because we
00:25:18
think that that is a really really
00:25:21
important new way of relating that we
00:25:23
don't understand very well and so that's
00:25:26
something that fascinates both of us and
00:25:28
also this you know this question that
00:25:31
Giuliana is exploring this more in her
00:25:33
dissertation work is you know this
00:25:35
question of authenticity and you know
00:25:37
how do you relate authentically to
00:25:39
people and and when do they perceive you
00:25:42
to be you know a genuine the genuine
00:25:47
article right somebody who is is
00:25:50
yourself at work and and I think that
00:25:53
friendship and how that plays out in the
00:25:56
workplace comes in as well in terms of
00:26:00
that that question all sounds very very
00:26:04
fascinating so hope we'll get chance to
00:26:06
talk about that again in the future well
00:26:09
auntie Giuliana thank you so much for
00:26:11
speaking with knowledge at Wharton today
00:26:12
thank you
00:26:13
it's been wonderful
00:26:17
for more insight from knowledge at
00:26:19
Wharton please visit knowledge Wharton
00:26:22
UPenn CDU
00:26:26
[Music]

Episode Highlights

  • Understanding Workplace Friendships
    Exploring the complexities of friendships at work and their unexpected challenges.
    “Friendship at work can be really, really valuable to people.”
    @ 02m 12s
    August 21, 2018
  • The Dark Side of Friendship
    Too much friendship can lead to distraction and complicate decision-making.
    “Too much friendship can lead to distraction in the workplace.”
    @ 05m 49s
    August 21, 2018
  • Technology's Impact on Friendships
    Social media blurs the lines between personal and professional relationships, amplifying both positives and negatives.
    “Social media can amplify the dark sides of workplace friendships.”
    @ 13m 29s
    August 21, 2018
  • The Blurred Lines of Work and Friendship
    The distinction between work and personal life is fading, making friendship essential in the workplace.
    “Friendship is really an inevitable part of the workplace.”
    @ 21m 21s
    August 21, 2018
  • Future Research Directions
    There's a wealth of unexplored areas in workplace friendship, especially regarding culture and technology.
    “There’s so little research and so much more to be done in this area.”
    @ 24m 06s
    August 21, 2018

Episode Quotes

  • Friendship at work can be really, really valuable to people.
    Friends without Benefits
  • Too much friendship can lead to distraction in the workplace.
    Friends without Benefits
  • Social media can amplify the dark sides of workplace friendships.
    Friends without Benefits
  • Friendship is really all around us.
    Friends without Benefits
  • The line between work and personal is becoming more blurred.
    Friends without Benefits
  • There’s so little research and so much more to be done in this area.
    Friends without Benefits

Key Moments

  • Dark Side of Friendships00:20
  • Complexities of Workplace Relationships02:23
  • Technology and Friendships11:27
  • Workplace Friendship21:21
  • Research Opportunities24:06
  • Authenticity in Relationships25:53

Words per Minute Over Time

Vibes Breakdown

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