00:00:00
this is Carrie Grant as if there's nothing wrong with this as if he was a gay man sure i don't believe it i do
00:00:07
believe I'm sitting on your penis carrie Grant as a gay wasn't he gay i'm not saying anyone's gay i'm just saying if he was it would sound like this i
00:00:20
can't believe it i'm sitting on your pis god he really amped it up on that one you know my mom said Carrie Grant she said "When I heard he was gay I knew it because I get nothing from him." She was
00:00:32
I loved him but I was like "Nothing." That's so funny my mom think he's gay okay i think he was oh you Let's go to
00:00:40
the phones no let's go to the homophobic YouTube comments homophobic is that a real sneeze that was a good one yeah I was I look I was a character actor so this is two things that are visual about
00:00:52
me right now so this is I finally these [ __ ] shoes nothing against Hoka i'm going to try them but the clown shoes with 3 in of rubber there's a point of
00:01:02
diminishing returns there's a point where you bounce all around so I've got these ones those so I'm walking down the
00:01:08
the hallway going to the gig and they're just walking and I'm stumbling all over the place and go well you know he's
00:01:14
getting a little long in a tooth no I'm not i got [ __ ] up you know bozo shoes so these are 10 years old feel how firm the heel is you want to touch my Oh I
00:01:26
like that firmness so sickening yeah so I I'll take your word for it next time oh oh how sweet it is you smell the firmness pugnant oh I'm getting a contact high
00:01:38
for my ghost tins all right so my birthday's coming up so my wife got me a present okay don't call it a man purse it's a man bag so immerse I've been
00:01:53
resistant to one of these things because I felt like I would look like I'm a British postman we've got a letter for
00:01:58
you sir from the king you know so and also just the effect all the way back on for that so this is not a joke okay for
00:02:05
everybody here this I'm going to I'm going to take out all my stuff so what I do is I have this lightweight puffy
00:02:12
jacket and I have pockets and that's that's my surrogate man purse so let's put this down for a second and see what
00:02:18
I have legit on a regular basis remember when you laughed the other day what's in
00:02:23
Dana's coat when I came out like three different Okay we've got glasses and a pin we've got of course you know the wallet another pin let's go over here we
00:02:34
have money popping out of it this Oh this is a travel thing for That looks like a sex toy
00:02:41
the all new orange rabbit no this is uh shampoo for getting through airlines really i I'll give you I'll give you a
00:02:47
clue it fits up my ass when I'm on the road oh please phone third glasses uh more glasses fourth glasses fourth glasses and then some Postits and I don't know why so
00:03:01
they were all in my jacket now let's see with now Remco's man purse santa might be come early for you this year yeah what makes the man purse so there we are let's see if it can get in here now if I put it in here very slowly
00:03:14
I feel like I'm David Blaine yeah just watch just watch i'm going to put it in here just watch just watch okay here's
00:03:19
what I'm going to do i'm going to put this all in here i can make that shampoo disappear in my butthole think think
00:03:26
of why butthole and time i've had Carrie Grant doing his thing and you said butthole in the first four minutes so we do this we take off this jacket that's
00:03:38
12 years old wait a second so the the people at home watching the demonstration just feel it okay it's a
00:03:45
real jacket everyone real jacket you've never met this jacket before i like a uniform and you're So now I'm putting on
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my super cool stolen jean jacket now I'm going to stand up Evan and you'll see a
00:03:58
cool guy come in oh what's up oh [ __ ] heather gave the right reaction you okay everybody cool in here
00:04:10
what's going on am I all right anybody need to get knocked the [ __ ] out anybody need anything anybody need anything
00:04:18
anybody need a couple pairs of glasses there now and now you're not going to lose this so you know that kind of thing
00:04:25
i like that do you yeah i bet you could honestly I thought you were going to put your jacket into the puffy one cuz Bobby
00:04:32
we're on the road he rolls his jacket up and he puts it in a little bag this big his puffy jacket it's great i I could do that you could do I thought that might
00:04:38
be part of the magic i don't know so that's that's my Now a word from Fruit Fresh or whatever sponsor do you have a story because I have topics um do you have a story let's
00:04:50
go back and forth because it's you know Oh yeah uh well uh welcome to Superfly or whatever it's called superfly that name may be a sunset we
00:05:01
got We got news coming for you guys sunset the name because we unintentionally I take the blame for it
00:05:08
because I just said Superfly never went they liked it and I didn't like it it's great idea uh but we might uh we might have some news for you by next week also
00:05:19
what I don't know do we say anything i don't know what to do well no but well basically the idea was whatever we do we
00:05:25
do we're just being honest with the fans superfly and Fly in the Wall were a little too confusing for people i
00:05:31
actually met one guy in Minneapolis at a corporate date who understood it oh yeah
00:05:36
hey fly in the walls uh that's uh that's the interview one mostly not on video and Superflies are but even Rob Low went
00:05:44
Superfly so So we may do something with that but we'll we'll make announcements soon right they might be beep beep
00:05:53
merging every time every time because I was having an ice cold beer i'm watching
00:05:59
your special and every time you did a sound effect I took a minute and I had a lot of beer that night i forgot there's
00:06:05
one where I just literally do the sound effects on purpose that No they were great i love the way you incorporate
00:06:11
them you don't lean on them you're not like my you know you know where they help in real life is when I'm checking out at selfch checkckout i just go like
00:06:17
this and then it's $100 but I only pay three so you use it for criminal activity okay i have a whole different way to think about so anyway I saw dandelion oh boy
00:06:30
by the way I have an announcement we did a we did a poll on my Instagram who says
00:06:36
dandelion and who says dandelion i said Dana says dandelion and we went to the polls and the people have spoken and it's it's 57% say dandelion can you
00:06:50
believe it well of course i mean I went to San Francisco State i know how to pronounce words you were right yeah but
00:06:57
43% were wrong well that is a um a very uh poor uh yes type of um portacular how
00:07:09
do you pronounce it what is it porticular some people say particular i say I say portular you're getting
00:07:15
everyone right man you're ahead of the game thank you all right let's go back to Dandelion so Dana watched I special i
00:07:23
watched David's specials talk about jury duty talk about a write off i watched it it's all for work okay go ahead no I saw
00:07:30
the special oh good that's a good review don't you love that i've had people come
00:07:37
up to me at airport I saw your special and then nothing else that's it i get this hey were you in Grown-Ups i go thank you and they go thank you what i go what' you say and they go were you in
00:07:50
Grown-Ups i go yeah i go "Uh." And I go "I was good in it." Or," and they're like "Hey you were on Saturday Night Live." Yeah thank you i go "Thanks sister." Yeah but nothing nothing but
00:08:03
look here's the here's the inside baseball this you can kind of flip the salmon right now um if you're cooking
00:08:10
everyone's cooking everyone's cooking or hiking in their car making love while they listen to this do they think they
00:08:16
put us as background noise when they go there's a lot of sex going on with us in
00:08:21
the background this woman said "I don't know why it turns me and my husband on."
00:08:29
Made that up so anyway a comedian it's like a surgeon watching a surgeon you know they're going to be "Holy [ __ ] you're doing surgery." So I'm just thinking "Oh he's got that i I can't get
00:08:41
out of my head i'm watching someone do Oh that's a good bit oh he's tagging that oh my god another water hit okay
00:08:48
now he's coming up so I enjoyed it but I can't watch it like a regular I mean I'm sickening that you watch it because to
00:08:54
have someone I like watch it someone that's funny actually funny watch it it just hit me i'm horrified by it but it
00:09:00
is hard and I'm sure when I watch it I go I go I'm hitting the water too much uh I take a sip of water well they can cut that out i was going to cut it out but I didn't because sometimes it looks
00:09:13
too jumpy but uh I left a few in so people know I do drink water and I don't want them to think I don't and then uh I had a set list you'll laugh at this i
00:09:25
had a set list like I do because I wanted to be like every other stand-up show oh yeah and then the director goes or or the guy goes camera guy goes "Hey
00:09:32
man i see your set list it's white." So they brought me blue paper in the back and go "Write it on here." here and I go I've never had blue paper i don't want anything different i wrote it with a
00:09:43
magic marker and I couldn't really read it classic don't change anything right before you go out that was right before
00:09:48
I went out wait a minute so you wrote your set list and never tried it with a magic marker on blue paper and then when
00:09:55
you went out you looked at it and go "Holy [ __ ] I can't read it." Right because I'm like "Why am I doing this for the camera guy?" I don't give a fat
00:10:00
[ __ ] if they see my set list on the stool you You go to a concert it's fun you see the floor and you see the set
00:10:06
list of a band but I just went along with it to be a great guy cuz I have [ __ ] great guy syndrome and it sucks
00:10:13
sometimes and then but I have it on a monitor the title of your next special i do have it on a monitor and if I'm stuck
00:10:18
I can let I thought it was great i mean obviously you killed and the bits were really funny and you were physical and I
00:10:25
mean I you know standup specials are you know what what do you I mean the main the main thing you want to do is have fun and be funny so yes I did have that and I did have a good time i've
00:10:37
heard nice things but you know you never know what you're But sometimes people on YouTube and Instagram are very uh direct
00:10:44
they don't beat around the bush again have you ever met any human being who wrote a nasty thing online have you know
00:10:53
anyone besides Evan and Greg yeah my biggest You suck trollers I'm feeling better i'm bringing you down shut up Brian but people loved it no but
00:11:06
I think I heard nice things about it and I'm glad you watched it and uh we'll put it to bed after this but it was nice to
00:11:13
uh get one out of the way and then when I go on the road now and people go "Oh you're going to Omaha." And uh a lot of
00:11:20
people say "Should I watch the special first or should I come see you on the road first?" And that's a tough decision
00:11:26
i would say watch it and then there'll be some repeats because I like to keep some of the ones that really work in there and then there'll be some new stuff so well yeah I think great bits are better the second third fourth time
00:11:39
if it's a great bit cuz then you're just you don't focus Lee i saw him the other night and I'm like with my friend I go
00:11:45
"Oh I want him to do this one i want to do this one." And if they don't I go and if they hit it a little bit different or
00:11:51
whatever it's always going to be a hair different but and some bits expand since you did them right and they're even more
00:11:57
polished and you get the edges off and they're better well I used to do I mean this goes back since 1983 when I fell in
00:12:02
love with the movie Scarface like with every other comedian at the time so everyone had a Scar Scarface bit mine
00:12:08
was Scarface at Thanksgiving dinner pastor Potatoes a good long bit too it was a good chunk pastor Potatoes but it
00:12:14
started out at 2 minutes to three and now sometimes when I played the casino with it was packed and so much energy i
00:12:21
think it was almost a 20-minute you can just keep milking it because it kills oh yeah what do you got to do you want me to eat the corn on a cob man the corn on
00:12:29
a cob you got the corn in your teeth and the cob you don't They don't tell you about the cob man the cob is worse than
00:12:34
the corn corn in a cup that's what you want me to eat huh what are you going to do you want me to eat a What you want me to eat is that Thanksgiving you want me to eat a jello with a walnut inside so
00:12:47
the jello goes down to the wallet walnut and gets stuck in my esophagus oh yeah so I go and then he goes crazy on the grandmother who he thinks ate all the sweet potato i could
00:13:00
do this all day and grandma grandma look at you man at birthday time there was a
00:13:06
bowl of carorn i go chef for a smoke i come back no kind of corn man you ate all of corn i told you you like to eat don't you man you like a You like a You
00:13:17
like a I see you with the women's sampler you stick your thumb in the back you don't get the caramel you don't get
00:13:22
the caramel you put it right back in the box cuz you don't check out a guide inside
00:13:27
the women's s corresponding guide tells you where the coconut is the caramel is you know you just dig in there like that it's like a go so I'll go on and on and on so my point was you don't need any
00:13:40
other bits that thing just must uh to your point bits getting longer extenduating it's good because sometimes you do the they're a little undercooked because you just thought of them you go I'll throw this on and then you start to
00:13:52
work it uh I went out last night trying to because I'm trying to do new stuff and try to work stuff and it is fun when
00:13:58
new bits work it's great and when they bond it's so disarming there's nothing new and if you have an old bit where
00:14:03
you're adding stuff to it then it's a new bit again i would just say this in the modern era if I was going to engage
00:14:10
in this particular activity of the standup special and let's just say I'm announcing it now i wear I solemnly swear Yeah to do a special every month
00:14:24
for the next 12 months i will go to a comedy club whoa with a little tiny crew like these two nums over here these knuckleheads and do maybe just two
00:14:35
cameras minimal light and just do 10 or 12 minutes either crowd work or stuff I'm thinking of in the moment the Oh and
00:14:42
put it out like that yeah special every month this idea that two years without David Spade two years we have to not do
00:14:50
it they're suffocating they need it and also I shot it in [ __ ] Rocktober so I'm not blaming Amazon because this is just sort of how it goes amazon's great right you had the submarine one you had
00:15:02
what were the ones that were sort of your classic bits for the last two years oh that I've had those and but then some
00:15:09
you know I don't want anything sitting on a shelf for eight months uh but you know Hulu when they came to me they said
00:15:14
"We'll put it out in a year and a half." I'm like "A year and a half?" And how do
00:15:19
you know that you work with a current events part like we do here it's fun to think of something and sometimes uh
00:15:26
there was something last night I can't remember but I was like this is good for a couple couple weeks couple months it's
00:15:32
still funny but then at a certain point everyone's like that's dead just move on you know yeah you can just you can just
00:15:38
sort of feel although the Menendez brothers there lots of lots of jokes in the 90s then it became cornball faded
00:15:45
away faded away now they're back so you never know it's time to to bring out your Menendez you know what's funny is
00:15:52
uh that you brought this up that the other day on the news they go great news for the Menendez brothers on Good Day LA
00:15:58
and I go oh what they go 50 years with parole I go I love when that's good news in your life well the thing is they've done 35 so the guy said 50 now so 50
00:16:11
makes them eligible you know all that I didn't know until after so they can get out now you know yeah time served what's
00:16:19
Are you okay hey you missing one of your thousand no I don't need I don't need notes i'm going this these are random thoughts as we pingpong around where's
00:16:25
your baker's dozen glasses um I got a trim i got You're also wearing them and then you've got four i got a a haircut and I left some of my other glasses at
00:16:37
uh Chris Rios's salon [ __ ] [ __ ] that's why I was 3 minutes late dude why are you burying that story here's uh
00:16:44
Well I just I went to write aid i felt I needed a little trim i knew I said "Okay superfly at 10 p 10:00 a.m that that's
00:16:52
on the unimportant list so let's go to write aid let's pick up our meds go get a little haircut oil change." No um
00:16:59
here's my thought yes don't ever deny in life always go yes mhm here's an example so Trump gets a $400 million plane from Qatar
00:17:14
he doesn't he doesn't go he doesn't get up there and go "Well it's not really a gift i mean it's a thing they're giving
00:17:20
it it's not really a gift." He just says "They're giving me a gift it's a beautiful gift if I don't take the gift
00:17:26
I'd have to be stupid i'd be very stupid look and if you think about it I'd be a stupid person not to take the gift." So
00:17:32
a lot of people think it's unconstitutional but how do you come back at someone who says "Yeah I did it i got the plane what are you talking
00:17:38
about?" If Nixon in 19 going back if Nixon had said "Of course I told the boys to break into the Democratic National Place i wanted to know what those commie bastards were up to." He
00:17:50
never would have got impeached cuz you never you don't give him any air if Bill Clinton if Bill Clinton had said instead
00:17:57
of I did not have sex with him I had sex with that mama over and over i mean she
00:18:03
was a hot hot mama and I had a lot of sex there have been no room to prosecute so Trump's genius if you will that'll go over half our audience it's never
00:18:14
denying just having fun we're getting a beautiful blend what do you think I'm crazy hey you know guitar is like we
00:18:21
give it to you for free by the way guitar gives away a lot of 747s to a lot of countries no strings attached what do
00:18:28
you give you we give you $400 million plane we don't expect anything in return but if you wanted to give us something we wouldn't turn it down yeah it's like
00:18:40
a nickel to them that's a Qatarian accent i know he wouldn't uh I agree they they Trump acts like it's a slinky you know like they gave it to me it's a stocking stuffer but I have to say
00:18:51
people it is a little itchy because you go "What if they have what if guitar says you know could we get a couple of
00:18:58
your nuclear bombs?" Or they just blow it up one day they got a kill switch in there or they or they have a find your
00:19:05
phone on it you know or they or they stick a little guy in there they stick a little lean tiny man and Trump's going
00:19:11
around the Air Force One you know for security purpos what's your name my name is Kosis
00:19:19
i'm I'm hiding in planes so that later on I will sabotage with little scissors for wires got wires well you you're admitting to your crime you're admitting it you're not hiding it so I'm going to
00:19:31
hire you on the spot you got a job you're in charge of security who are you working for hamas in sorry god damn now
00:19:40
you're working for the US survey i'll tell you that much and I'll tell you again and I know how to tell you look at
00:19:45
it and think about it and I'll tell you anyway uh I don't know if I had anything
00:19:51
else [ __ ] that's it that's good well what do you Oh oh this was one okay so the family's dressed up P diddy's family and they look beautiful verona P
00:20:02
diddy i love it they're they they they look beautiful and they're coming into the court and they gorgeous clothes and
00:20:07
they're coming in you know supporting pops or whatever yes watch this you know and then they have to hear the testimony
00:20:15
do they ever kind of slink down in their chairs a little bit like gez I didn't know dad was I didn't know what uh I
00:20:21
knew he was a record executive but it's it's a lot to that job I didn't know about also that the um Cassie who's with
00:20:29
her new husband and he's got to hear this stuff he's like "I know you had that one problem in the elevator it
00:20:35
feels like there was a little more going on." I mean good God to hear that every
00:20:40
day like this i know it's dark humor but look it's our job but I would say this a
00:20:46
lot of times when someone's caught red-handed their defense attorney will announce this and he did it with P diddy is he a nice guy that's the best no is
00:20:56
he a nasty guy yeah can he be mean yes does he have a temper yes will he kick women in an elevator yes yes but did he commit a crime i don't think so does he
00:21:10
like to rub jizz on himself possibly does that make him a bad guy yes but should he go to jail no like come on he's not he's a jerk he's a monster he's
00:21:20
a horrible person should he spend a night in county jail absolutely not do you want to go cheese women in the oil i wouldn't and then beat him with a raet ball
00:21:35
is he Is that rude is it aggressive yes does he like his girlfriend getting ramrod should he go to prison no that's That's what he likes to do in his spare time he's a record executive does you
00:21:46
don't understand that business does he use household items and tools to do different things to different people
00:21:52
yeah does he use a spatula a different way than you would yes we use sponges for different activities just because
00:21:59
he's adapting obvious household items for sexual purposes does not mean that my client deserves to go to prison right does he give sex workers jobs yes he's
00:22:11
helping the economy what about this here's By the way Cassy's looking further your honor
00:22:17
can we riff on this bit longer yes does it make us boring no it's just us going on and on cassie it helps I think to be pregnant because it's it it is a little
00:22:29
more sympathy but you know the baby's like this this is the first I'm hearing look the babies doesn't Oh the baby's
00:22:38
inside listening like this wait what happened wait can you back that up can you read that one back wait
00:22:46
this mom the one I Okay uh yeah cuz Yeah I I'll stop there that's fine it was a little It was a dark territory to go into it's a It's in that trial mostly
00:22:58
just the idea of the defense of someone with that and they did it with OJ too the actual like OJ's was straight up murder what is the actual thing is it sex trafficking what do they really want
00:23:09
to get well there's a word that I kind of had to look up and I want to ask the people if they really know what it means
00:23:15
is it dandy racketeering oh racketeering rico Rico the racketeering that means unlawful activities to procure money basically a gangster threatening people
00:23:29
uh oh the screen just went lit up all right what are we going to show here oh you want something no I don't know i just saw Google i don't know how we're only supposed to do 30 minutes now
00:23:39
what's better oh look at this here i want to talk about this [Music] okay you know Dana there's a there's a term you might not hear a lot called ed
00:23:56
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00:25:16
sometimes you're out making out in the car it's not your fault and then down there it's going like this are we doing
00:25:23
this are we doing this and then things start to happen and then like oh we're driving again oh we're at the door
00:25:30
making out we doing this no no so sometimes it's not your fault it's just a matter of reps like and then when you
00:25:37
really want things to happen it's like give me a second relax you want your sex life to sound like this you don't want it to sound like this
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00:26:51
Mission Impossible which Tom Cruz and Anna De Aras I don't think she's in the movie there's a there's a romance she
00:26:58
forgot to button her blouse i'm sorry is that a fashion statement she's horribly embarrassed
00:27:04
i mean is that a It just looks like a blouse that wasn't buttoned oh that's what it's supposed to be
00:27:11
tom a stunner by the way she has on a little white bra bralette well you don't see it but there was a video of this and he's kind of singing like like the blouse unbutton like like the blouse
00:27:24
unbutton that Tom Cruz was singing like the blouse on button like Tom Cruz always
00:27:30
look it off take it off stripping down so he's got just the panties in a bra like the Go ahead this is coming out next week i bought tickets uh one two
00:27:43
things about this one mission Impossible running time roughly 3 hours i'll tell you when I see most of it uh I can't
00:27:50
wait to go see most of this movie cuz I do not think I can last with the THX and
00:27:55
then they have an ad for Dolby Sound guys I'm not a director who is this ad going to hey there I see it's an ad for Coke i'll buy Coke dolby sound i'm like
00:28:07
is it my choice to don't make an ad you're wasting your time i can't pick the sound of the movie so that and then
00:28:13
you got Nicole Kidman still clunking in on in her heels and sitting and watching like I skip it all let's get to the
00:28:19
goddang threehour movie nicole Kidman announced today that she's not going to do another movie next week she's waiting the week after yeah she goes every week i'll say this there
00:28:31
was a point where sound got scary i don't know if it's THX or Dolby but if I was in those really tight stadium
00:28:38
theaters with speakers all around it would kind of Am I blowing an ear drone to see this
00:28:43
[ __ ] movie but I my my relationship with Mr tom Cruz i met him little bit taller whoops you were um Yeah I believe you're not sure i'm such a huge fan of
00:28:59
Tom Cruz as time's g have gone on i mean he's done such great stuff i read for risky business uh even though I'm risking him beeswax that's one of his big ones and then you look at Tom Cruz
00:29:12
being Tom Cruz and his commitment and then in these last 10 years he's literally willing to kill himself to
00:29:19
entertain it as held his breath for 14 minutes hanging off planes i I I just got to go see it cuz you know he's doing stuff where he could be dead david yeah he's turning into like David Blaine in
00:29:31
these movies yeah more than that i'll jump off a 75 ft clip okay this is what I'm going to do okay okay look look look
00:29:37
do you see your card look at it look at it now put it back anywhere in here okay now now go walk down there to that
00:29:44
7-Eleven there's a box of cookies oreo cookies go look in there and your card will be in there it's signed yeah i love that guy uh but but he but I don't blame him he's has a a romance with this girl
00:29:57
and we don't know if it's a fance or maybe even a showmance because it seems to percolate around the time movies come out i have a girlfriend now and you got
00:30:08
to check it out and it just generates attention to the movie because they say Tom has a girlfriend you know Tom's movie is coming out next week and they bring a So it's a if it's staged it's
00:30:20
fine because she's gorgeous girl he should be dating if he's dating her it's all fine but it always happens around a
00:30:27
movie she around the movie premiere yeah like you don't want to be cynical about it but she was she was with Ben Affleck
00:30:35
and there was a call and I don't know if it was AI generated okay but Affleck called Tom Cruz yeah i got her for about
00:30:42
six more weeks yeah we're trending good movie's going to open the account too yeah when When do you want her all right
00:30:48
so a month before Mission Impossible release okay i'll tell Anna she's she's good to go she's good with this when does tracking come out three weeks
00:30:54
before okay that's the latest her fee to be your girlfriend before the movie it's about 300,000 a week good with that okay
00:31:01
scientologist i'm kidding tom yeah there's rumors you know of agencies out here setting people together to help both their careers they did it in the 1950s they put in a row with Tony Curtis
00:31:14
it's just it's part of the business but if they end up married and making a baby I'm I'm happy for him ultimately when
00:31:22
all the dust settles I'm happy for him okay what's next big story what's a big story out there probably nothing
00:31:31
click the button push the button and then the story comes okay wait don't click it yet let's see what it is can you read that Dana um over well with
00:31:41
that little triangle over the lettering 19year-olds oh over over 50% of Tommy John surgeries are now oh over 50% of Tommy John surgeries are on 15 to 19 year olds wow that's the for for
00:31:56
those at home it usually happens to pitchers in baseball they throw so hard but they're teaching kids to throw so hard to get them in college
00:32:06
it usually happened in the pros after a long time that's really sad you rip out you know ligaments in your arm and you
00:32:13
have to get this rough surgery it takes about a year to heal right well yeah it is and it could be a career always the
00:32:19
same yeah you don't know they're taking ligaments and things and reconstructing it you know I I see helicopter parents i
00:32:26
see parents living through their kids like some frustrated dad who never was a starting pitcher you will throw hard
00:32:33
when I tell you to throw hard yes sir yes sir yes sir you're not going to get into college with or is it a coach or
00:32:40
who that should not be happening right but there is stakes are high and now you get that NIL money you could just make a
00:32:47
tidy living going to college now you know you get a couple million for four years of college mhm like the gymnast
00:32:54
you lose money by Yeah nih do you own your image and likeness David do you have an NIL right uh no i have a mirror
00:33:03
do we own our image and likeness Greg i don't think we do do we in the world could I monetize this would you sell
00:33:10
your image and likeness for $1,000 no to AI what would I net 300,000 cash,000 in Trump bitcoins hey man we better do a lot of coins okay uh
00:33:24
can you think I used to play baseball so that that story really hit home with me i used to be able to throw all the way
00:33:30
from catcher to almost a second base track and track and field 427 mile at age 17
00:33:39
why' you say 427 mhm good job oh yeah sorry people always say you're a good Excuse no that wasn't that good there
00:33:45
there were kids breaking four minutes at at at senior and high school okay read this one let's see multi-million dollar life insurance policy unpaid because coax experimental
00:33:58
Oh this is interesting play this one there was an elderly in France who life insurance for
00:34:06
millions of dollars he got the vaccine and he died so the life insurance company is not paying out because they
00:34:14
decided that the COVID vaccine is a medical experiment and death from a medical experiment is not a covered entity furthermore ripoff even the judge says
00:34:30
that the side effects from the vaccine are well known they've been made public there's absolutely no way that this gentleman could not have known the side effects he willingly chose to get the
00:34:44
vaccine and he died as a result is she a puppet on his lap or something it's an odd shot oh did you hear that
00:34:54
[Music] they said it's a suicide because he knew the risks of taking a shot how many die
00:35:06
straight up i know there's side effects with people and heart stuff and all that but how many people just die straight up
00:35:12
taking the shot i I don't I've never had a scenario where had someone had a life insurance
00:35:18
policy and then they got the shot then they died and they go you knew what you're getting into so it's to call it
00:35:25
suicide is a little nuts i I think what page of the contract was uh medical experiments are exempted from this policy i mean read the policy you kind
00:35:37
of go medical experiments i know all insurance tries to wiggle out of pretty much everything but that that one sort
00:35:43
of threw me off and what it is is this is a story and then there's a woman doing it on her story and she's just reacting to it so that's why there's two
00:35:54
people um I've had experiences with insurance companies good and bad i don't want to demonize the whole industry no
00:36:02
but generally speaking it's a nasty necessary business that you have to pay these premiums for the what if what if
00:36:08
what if sure and then it's a wrestling match um to get get paid but um I haven't you know I've had one bad experience with that but and it was about you know when I sued you right
00:36:22
yeah remember because I stepped on your toe because you couldn't get on my driveway well I'm I'm indemnified i mean
00:36:28
I have so much um injury insurance for trying to make it down into this labyrinth cave and all the stairs do you
00:36:35
think Do you have insurance for when you pull muscles from carrying the show uh who says I carry the show i just did whoops um no you we've sometimes you're
00:36:49
a little sleepy you've been coming off the road you know your red eye and you got low blood sugar and a bad back and
00:36:54
that's when I carry I go by this if Dana is on fuego let's sit back and watch because it's great what's Fuego Fire
00:37:03
hey man um he's on fire he came in on uh I was I was sil when I came here today what's that mean sorry I'm late i was really
00:37:15
sil by the end of this week it'll be trending on Daily Mail oh man I'm silence he's sil well I'm never Oh I know what this is
00:37:26
can we show this clip yeah we can right well they'll let us show can I just set it up for a second
00:37:34
yeah this is on SNL i forgot about this someone sent it to me but Michael J fox is the host kevin Nean is playing um Doc
00:37:42
doc and then I did a kind of a too hyperactive uh Michael J fox and I played him to him so I think it's good to know what's going on you can't do the show michael come here tell us michael
00:37:56
we came to stop you man who the hell are you i'm you i'm Michael J fox i just came from 90 minutes in the future the show's a complete dut it's funny
00:38:08
what do you mean what do you mean what do you mean what do you mean it's It's going to be a great show michael did you hear that last joke man it bombed
00:38:16
all right okay all right how about my next joke he's pretty good isn't it yeah he's good
00:38:23
okay okay okay i'm also excited because uh tomorrow is St patrick's Day and maybe instead of saying top of the morning to you I could say something like top of the evening to you that's
00:38:35
the best joke you got it wasn't even a joke jake you got to help us michael there's no time to lose wait where are we going we got to go back all right we got to go back and
00:38:46
stop you before you host the show that's a good premise then we go back in time where did you go after that i think we went back in time and he starts the monologue again oh that's funny that I
00:38:58
had forgotten about which is kind of eerie i remember Michael J fox on the show and I remember doing all these
00:39:04
different things i I forgot about this monologue he did a good one where they did the uh child stars robbing people
00:39:09
back then when child stars were robbing people i think SMGO wrote it oh that was funny who did you play in that do you
00:39:15
remember were you David Cassidy or something i think I was David Cassidy yeah I was either David Cassidy or Yeah
00:39:21
uh he was Danny Bonaduchi I think that's what we call now our new blast from the past segment yeah where we show you
00:39:28
things ago saturday Night Live will like sue us and block it from YouTube okay what is this next one this is uh this is
00:39:36
bad i don't even know what it's a mixture of fun stories and heavy stories this is bad that's not a Oh should we
00:39:43
even show this you're always talking about bees oh I liked your beekeeper as the backbone of agriculture
00:39:57
i call them responsible for this more than a third of the nation's crops cbs's These horny sex bees are croaking they're pollinating more than a third of they should be
00:40:09
like in the US beekeeping industry each of these hives can hold as many as 80,000 bees but no one pretty good holder bees in all these hives and tens
00:40:21
of thousands more have turned up dead have you ever seen it this bad never not even close the data is showing us that
00:40:28
this is the worst bee loss in recorded history lot of bee loss out there top beekeeper we need bees dana's desert
00:40:36
honey i know remember Jerry be story you know it's funny cuz bees it's not funny but when I heard the noise of the
00:40:42
machines I thought it was bees inside there and I was like "Get out of there dude." But yeah there the bees are the
00:40:50
backbone or whatever they say but I said I always say of our ecosystem they really are so if I keep hearing this that bees are dropping like flies
00:41:01
and they uh and we need them not just for honey you would think that cuz you're not like thinking straight i'm
00:41:07
not thinking you're very surfacy i'm just trying to think when I'll drop a Trump next in the podcast
00:41:14
how do you work Trump into the bees i I work the beekeeper a lot of bees a lot of bees you know they make honeycomb
00:41:20
they love honeycomb i love humming honeycomb and they made a cereal it's great it's done by Post i think they
00:41:26
made honeycomb cereal very popular you know what the only thing better than bees honey is Trump's new
00:41:33
honey he makes honey now trump's new honey we make honey we make bitcoins we make it all he's in every business now i'll do Biden too if you want you got to Biden
00:41:46
never should have said he never should have denied he He just should have come out there and go he should have said it
00:41:51
you know year two i'm out of my mind i can't put two words together i can still do a job i got my son Hunter a job in
00:41:58
Barusma he doesn't know anything about it what a dad does come on i'm clearly out of my mind he would have got reelected just by not pushing back right just just roll with it yeah and the
00:42:09
people up front should have said "No he is he's impacted in ice we're giving him oxygen and a B12 shot before we stick
00:42:15
him out here." They said "You didn't know who George Clooney was." He goes "Well come on no one's seen him since the ER." And they go "Oh that's why they
00:42:21
listen to George Clooney he was on the ER show come on before that he was on facts of life everybody knows that come
00:42:29
on it's not rocket science facts alive facts of life is George Coney as the president was clear as bells I'm out of
00:42:36
my mind i can't put two words if he'd said that he'd be president it would be funnier definitely mhm uh okay so in
00:42:43
summary I'm the beekeeper so Oh yeah you said the beekeeper well which which which bit in your special and from your feedback either online or with friends was the one that landed was it the porn
00:42:55
on the airlines oh porn is porn always does well the beekeepers beekeeper they're surprised I did Jason state them sounding like I'm the beekeeper i keep the bees and if I stay
00:43:09
That's actually really good you've got a good tone in there cuz they don't see it coming cuz it's all Yeah I I see i like
00:43:15
that because it's it's just why does everything have to be exactly current everyone knows Jason Stratham it's
00:43:21
really about him as a movie star it's about being on movies and what who he is and on an airplane and you're trying to
00:43:26
find a movie and they're all lame and then it says new arrivals and I go I don't think you can call Ferngully a new
00:43:32
arrival anymore but thank you and then I say so I watch the beekeeper anyway it's a long bid it's well worth it it's at
00:43:39
1410 in the special but I I you know when you think about action stars and stuff and you're just a pure action star like Jason Stratham there's something just fun and funny
00:43:51
it's funny how tough he is yeah do you like to dance cuz I like to dance every at the first minute of any movie with
00:43:56
him I go don't befriend him cuz he's he's a beekeeper with the bees living on a farm away from the FBI with a nice family i'm like well they're getting gunned down soon and lo and behold lo
00:44:09
and behold yeah they got shot down okay pop quiz for everyone in the room action movie somewhat of an older
00:44:16
guy but not old old greatest speech in an action movie over the last 20 years from from the kickass guy dirty hairy maybe Liam Nak
00:44:28
I have skills I've acquired to make me a nightmare for a person like you i thought that speech when that speech
00:44:34
came out in that movie Taken and then everybody tried to make action movies but no one had a speech like that he's
00:44:40
so good at it because they take his daughter and he's I this is the thing that I love in movies he's not only not
00:44:47
afraid he just can't wait to kill the guy there's no sense that he's not I I have skills I've acquired that make me a nightmare i will find you i'll hunt you
00:44:58
down and I'll kill you so matter of fact where were you if someone kidnapped someone you love you what would you say
00:45:04
on the phone start crying how would that sound no i like when the guy goes good luck and then he keeps playing it good luck and then he goes some guy
00:45:15
goes taxi and he goes that's the good luck voice i go I that that was a tough jump where in No Country for Old Men oh
00:45:23
yeah he's weird james Josh Brolan is on the phone and he's being threatened by Javier Bardan you know and he goes he
00:45:31
says "You won't have to find me i'm going to make you my special project." And hung up the phone it's it's
00:45:37
cathartic because they're so sure of themselves he didn't make it in the movie that's a whole another story oh Breaking Bad when he tells the wife she goes "Aren't you worried about danger?"
00:45:48
And he goes "I am the danger." Remember that yes that the line is in movies is I'm not I don't I'm not going to worry about what they're going to do to me they're going to worry about what I'm
00:46:00
going to do to them that's another one that's you know that's what I think about
00:46:06
before I go go out in front of an audience doing standup when you say I don't worry about their response i worry
00:46:11
about what I'm going to do to them that's my real Yesterday Dana called me he goes "I think I'm going to walk over to Koi." I go "Good luck." He goes "What
00:46:19
does that mean?" I go "Good luck." Uh okay this I have an army of 200 people surrounding your house good luck you make daddy happy well there's
00:46:32
actually 3,000 with grenade launchers and act jets are on their way good luck you made daddy even more happy how do I make you unhappy
00:46:43
and your waiter there you go i'd like the uh quinoa crab cakes and some sushi and the waiter goes "Good luck." And you
00:46:49
go "Good luck getting my order." Or," and everyone just says "Good luck." Now you triggered me now I was doing Scarface in Master Disguise and the guy's coming around with orurs and he
00:47:01
goes "Crab crab cakes." And I said "What your attitude they should be called crabby cakes." It's such a bad joke that
00:47:09
I love it no I'll take it supposed to get mad hey don't don't say that about my crab cakes they're not crabby cakes
00:47:15
i'll be saying that next time I order crab cakes [Music] dane I'm a little bit of a a spendy Suzie if you know what I mean a a boozy Suzie and a spendy Suzie i'm more of a
00:47:33
boozy Suzie but yeah yeah you are you are a spendy spender yeah and a lot of our uh listeners are nice enough to
00:47:39
write in and say "You look like you drank a lot and slept on your face." But that's just constructive criticism well
00:47:45
it's very concise and uh you don't really drink very much i'll tell the fans but just puffy uh this is where
00:47:53
Clara comes in cla is your everyday smarter spending partner which is what a lot of people need a lot of my friends definitely need it it allows you to make smarter decisions with your money and
00:48:05
it's sometimes good to have a partner like that and I'll say it again clara which I I assume is Swedish cla is your
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1353190 clara balance account required cla may get a commission limitations terms and conditions apply i'm just gonna That's what they do i'm just gonna say it it's a Clara summer what is this
00:49:13
this is the book of David Spade's quips we have here on the podcast go ahead mhm
00:49:20
if someone's threatening someone the person who's very brave always says "Good luck." Page 382 in there david
00:49:27
Spade yeah on this date good luck they already know from New York right my joke was ruined if we had a book of David Spa every bit you've ever done
00:49:41
that's a good You know what we'll have AI going to make that so I can I can refer to that listen to my recorder
00:49:46
rewinding that's a good one i am the L ready good luck good luck because it's on a luck you keep saying
00:49:57
it remember to hear it i didn't see the beat he rewinds it no that's the [ __ ] Le I'm doing Liam i'm taken good luck my
00:50:05
impressions are so bad you don't even know what movie I'm doing we need a little bit of an Irish too i have skill
00:50:11
trying to make me a nightmare and all the bad guys in movies because everyone's scared of being racist is that's why superhero movies the bad guys
00:50:22
are madeup monsters in space movies they're aliens so that's the safest way to go if you say any country any ethnicity then everyone goes but taken they were where were they from like
00:50:35
Kazakhstan you know it's an indescript middle kind you can do and this and that this is I'll just make an observation if I can as a kid I realized at one point that
00:50:47
the bad guys were always incredibly happy and the good guys were tortured oh Mr run when this bomb explodes you'll
00:51:02
explode be a bad guy that's the That's the happy guy that is Remember when Goldfinger goes "There's sharks down
00:51:08
there and he's about to drop Bond in." He goes "Don't worry Mr bond they only eat secret agents." And he laughs oh
00:51:14
yeah and the other one he goes "The laser's going to come up to his ball sack." Yeah goldfinger what do you want
00:51:21
me to do what What do I do what do you want me to do and he goes "I want you to die Mr b." Sounds like love sounds like
00:51:29
love i want you to die but anyway there is something about people narcissists sort of proactive narcissists that are just sort of happy they just insult people and they're rude and aggressive
00:51:41
and then the people pleaser and the empaths are like "I'm sorry I hurt your feeling." That's us that was like a
00:51:48
little sketch I did um Kim now there's a skim store near me now and I can't stand
00:51:53
it but uh Kim Kardashian Raptor Lamborghini in Skims Underpants why is this a story when
00:52:04
Kim here's the back that would be like the back of the underpants here's my underpants i was posing like that this morning does that hurt your back um was it well she looks cute i
00:52:19
mean it is a Lamborghini it is her she's cute is that how you drive with your feet up um okay well Skiims I don't know what
00:52:27
it is underpants ski is basically it was called Spanx so they took they stole the
00:52:34
idea of Spanx which is just kind of a lightweight uniar tummy and I have men's Spanx i'm wearing Spanx bodysuit right now and um then they
00:52:46
cleverly renamed it and kind of took that product and made it their own and now they're billionaires yep she's doing just fine okay we'll do another one oh we can wrap it up soon by the way how
00:52:58
long have we gone we've done almost an hour [ __ ] why is that good or bad well this
00:53:04
guy's talented let's get this guy an AGT let's make this a two-parter this is when you go Oh we could do that probably
00:53:11
that's what we do oh that's a great idea just keep going and just just get five of them and then have a magic magic edit
00:53:19
man make episodes out of them greg will call us up hey uh I just need you guys to do some uh intros
00:53:26
that wasn't you sorry i don't I don't have a Greg yet [Music] when is the last time you dressed like G last night last night for the wife no
00:53:47
I'm doing a I'm doing a a private event on the weekend and they asked me if I will dress up as G and come out to Bohemian Raps City so it's for a good
00:54:01
cause i love it so I said I'll do it but I want to be able one don't make the guarth clothes too tight because he all
00:54:07
his stuff is always very loose you should rip it off two is and I don't know if they understand this I I want a wig where it just come fits on and the
00:54:15
bangs cover it otherwise you have to do lace and gluing and pinning so I said "As long as I can become G in two
00:54:22
minutes go out and go like this." And then they have a attraction guy and sort of a ice bath after that and then I do
00:54:29
stand up later so I flip your head around well I'm going to be very careful Dan at this point in my existence it
00:54:35
hurt me then when I did G in the car the Super Bowl commercial maybe if I made it to the 50th they wanted us to do G oh yeah you didn't do
00:54:46
that cha as if well Gar is my age everyone relax any corporate gigs I It's funny they go
00:54:58
"You're going to bring you over here you're going to host the auction you're going to try to raise some money for this charity." I'm like "Check come over
00:55:03
here do your act come over here we got some bumper cars and we throw pies at you and then this my niece is going to
00:55:08
shove an ice cream cone in your face." I'm like "Okay sounds good i have all that you have my uh slim gyms and
00:55:14
Triscuits backstage." Like "Yep all good." I get into the area where I'm going to work at 4 and I get out of that
00:55:20
area at 10:30 and I'm doing tech checks this I'm off oh yeah no yeah no and then
00:55:26
at the end of the night 7 hours after they have 4,000 drinks it's now and now the comedy styling is can you do 45 now
00:55:34
it's a 6-hour show the best is if you're surprised you know you ever been to these corporate gigs it's like an eight
00:55:39
hour you know they're showing graphs and charts and then they go "All right guys go have fun." They go "We have a special
00:55:47
guest." Are we out of here yet and they go "David Spay you know him from Emperor's New Groove and Ben Schwarmers." And I go "Wait how long's this guy going?" And I'm like
00:56:00
this and everyone goes "What's happening?" And the CEO is like "Laugh don't be rude." But they tack you on at the end sometimes well they want they don't want any political humor but my
00:56:13
stuff's not really polit So that wipes out a lot of my all your impressions you can No no impressions nothing political
00:56:19
so I have to dig through my suitcase the best thing you can hear I'll just give you inside baseball for a big ballroom a
00:56:25
corporate date where they're drunk and tired when they kind of you're you're contracted into a certain amount of time
00:56:31
and they go "You you could just do 25." That's great that's all they need if the
00:56:36
audience is dead at that point and they're thinking about getting to their car or using the bathroom they don't you know they like to see someone from TV in
00:56:43
their in their room they're like "This is fun you came all the way here." Yeah and then you do your stuff and then
00:56:48
after a while they go "I got a feel for it." There you go got it let's take off where does that come from i got a feel for it
00:56:54
i got a feel for Oh I got a feel for it that's the name of your tour you going to announce some dates coming up
00:57:01
omaha three cities in Ohio did you know there's three cities in Ohio cities in Ohio dayton Chicago and
00:57:09
Pikipsy chicago what a [ __ ] idiot um there's one called Newark Ohio cleveland there's not a Dayton Ohio there is that's not where I'm going i'm going Cleveland Cincy where my mom is
00:57:23
from chicago Illinois okay cincinnati and and Newark where they're working on building an airport that doesn't work there so they can be like the other Newark are you Oh I know who's going to
00:57:35
go into that i don't like to fly anyway so why go in it's a little iffy but it's
00:57:40
open you know the radar goes down once in a while the runway look if we had our brothers it' be twice as long but uh
00:57:47
would I use it personally book your flight in and out of Newark yeah i mean it works a lot of the time so you should
00:57:52
go yeah i mean is it scary yes is it unsafe yes do you usually make it yes sometimes not yes is the runway really too short for the aircraft yes can they
00:58:05
apply brakes yes are the landings especially hard because of the short runways yes so anyway terrified to come
00:58:13
in yes what are pilots terrified to land there yes does anyone that knows anything about aviation are they scared yes do the pilots wear adult diapers
00:58:26
while they're coming into Newark yes will we lie consistently to make sure you still go there yes will the flight
00:58:33
attendants pretend to be smiling while they're terrified on the climb in and climb out yes if you're 10 hours late
00:58:39
will you get a free drink no and when we hit turbulence we will especially tell the flight attendants to serve lunch and bring the drinks out when we say we appreciate your patience
00:58:50
do we appreciate it no don't you love it when it gets really turbulent and they're still just boring i go get sit
00:58:56
down this is nerve-wracking i know they're like this everything's I do this all the time yeah which is Oh this is
00:59:03
like chop you'll be fine you're on water right i hate the people that go I like it it's like a roller coaster i go shut
00:59:09
the [ __ ] up you don't like it no one likes it well what I've done lately is I have a book and it's a World War II book
00:59:16
and it's about people flying into Germany on B17s taking flack and I just think I'm not I'm not Everyone in that B7 would love to be in this modern jet i
00:59:28
have a peepad like a dog and I put under my seat and I go you actually have no fear of flying i've seen I do i'm scared you don't you just don't you're good you know me i'm I'm studying the engine the
00:59:41
size of the engine the metrics i'm studying the weather i mean I'm just I'm kind of nutty i'm out there helping them
00:59:47
start the prop all right i think I think you should end on that well that you have a lot of sound effects i've not heard the prop
01:00:00
plane you know what do it again it's in the jet ski family here's a jet ski gets water in the car i'm going to do sound effecty in my act
01:00:12
but for today it would be like this beep all right we We appreciate you joining us for an extended version of Superfly we're going to charge we're
01:00:26
supposed to Our uh Mothership company wanted us to do 30 well we messed up once again there'll always be at least 30 but we always go long cuz we goof up because we love you we love the crowd
01:00:39
for listening or watching we love the comments even the mean ones actually I don't like them but I'm not afraid to
01:00:44
block someone though no actually I get a little charge on hey man the mean comments tell you I'll do it as Owen
01:00:50
Wilson hey man the mean comments tell you more about the people that writing them than actually anything to do with
01:00:58
you look at Greg's eyes are darting like they don't know who makes the comments do they greg is trying to catch a flight
01:01:04
to a basketball camp we can wrap it up thanks for watching and listening and we'll see you next week we'd like to
01:01:12
thank Heather Evan and Greg for being our audience no you can cut that out i'm trying to throw on a bowl this has been a presentation of Odyssey
01:01:25
Superfly is executive produced by Dana Carve and David Spade Jenna Weiss Berman of Odyssey Heather Santoro and Greg
01:01:31
Holtzman hope you liked it [Music]