00:00:00
[Music] so anyway the poor mayor is like oh the river is fine and they test it the guy testing it looks at her goes not great
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she's like oh it's just a little bacterium and poop matter so she goes I'll dive in oh my God she goes in
00:00:19
someone else goes in and and it was like Swamp Thing she comes out but she's like this it's so magnifi
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in there BS my face BS get me off of here he buts my face I was going to talk to you about the beginning where you you're on Tik Tok now which is a big
00:00:43
development and uh yes the thing about it is we you know it's good for these clips and stuff and then I and then someone went on my Tik Tok two people
00:00:54
over 30 on Tik Tok this is embarrassing and they were like Dana Carvey wants you
00:01:01
to join him and I'm like okay and then I look and it's a foo foo yep these sneaky
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rats these rat mofos they go because I have a bunch of fake ones and yours is like Dana Garvey you know they just change it a little bit to make to throw
00:01:20
you off the scent or the real Dana Garvey or it's Dana Garvey official Dana Carvey do you have a check or anything do you have anything that says I think they're looking into that for you so they can say you're the official Bland
00:01:32
Blarney but what about wait okay so I have fake ones and but I've been on it longer than you and so on Instagram it's like the official David
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Spade but official has Three L's I mean people should figure that out better and
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there's no check mark I just joined it because I wanted to be with the In Crowd all the kids all the kids are talking
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about it yeah it's like tick tock tick tock you know that's all they say yeah hey look at this here's my dog they have Tik Tock hair where it's puffy on top it's like straight then it's like Jiffy
00:02:05
Pop curls like a they got a perm and they all have it like every person under 17 has it and they wear pajamas that's it that's all that's all I have to say I'm just trying to aggregate at this
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point of my career I want to get the under 10 crowd I want to get the eight nines and tens I mean they would like G they were like church ladies so I go right what the
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fu my audience of my movies is geared toward four to six year olds so we do a separate writing pass we go through it we go this feels like it's for an eight-year-old we got to go a little simpler and uh but on my my my number
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one comment was from a toddler just want to fit that in what say two and a half me me like fun fun oh that was on
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YouTube that's right crayon all over his face a really cute kid me like fun fun that's kind of like my number one fan
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right now on Tik Tok that got a lot of likes that com comment yeah and mine is Instagram DMS where people like listen
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is this really you because I've been getting first of all they know that this one's really them me but they go I've
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been getting a David Spade I've been talking to for a few months what's wrong with you and it's like David Spade with
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5DS and and they're like and it's like and they send me a screens shot is this you because we've been talking for a long time and and the first one's like hello fan
00:03:30
I'm David Spade from movies fan would you like to be fan friend I like you send money fan and they're like I send some money I feel dumb is it not you I'm
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like where does it seem like it's me if you know how I talk if I get that I start writing checks right away I press
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bam you know because uh but David look news flash all right yeah you've been hacked by an AI only an I would spell Spade with
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3DS come on man people fall for it though and then people send them money and the last one I got was hey can you pay off my mortgage it's probably hassle but here's all my banking
00:04:14
information and so it's like 180 Grand bubble just if it could be by tonight would be great tomorrow is fine too I don't love it but it's tomorrow by noon and then if I don't pay then the next
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day they're like actually that one went away and then a month later hey hey we're just going to build an extra room
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now so it's only like seven Grand so here's all the banking information I mean why are you giving me all your banking information well that's it's
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like a done deal it's like oh I'm scrambling let me get a pen I feel I've got spider sense because email you know
00:04:44
it's there email after email and then there's one pay now and avoid jail time and I'm like yeah if I click on that
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then they can deep dive and know where I live and what color underwear I'm wearing so I I skip it but you're like
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aants panties these people are real people cuz they give me a whole long diet tribe of
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their story and they they go you could help me you're Joe Dirt you understand uh hey Heather you click this crank the
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AC down to 77 that's how hot it is yeah 77 is cold in this scenario I've got my I've got
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meat what are you 62 what are you 62 67 68 you godamn Psy if you listen s this this breaks up many marriages I have a friend he wants
00:05:31
it at 60 full-time and his wife wants it at 78 and how do you live how if you're
00:05:37
the other person how do you live because you hate one way uh more than half of married couples at have a sleep divorce either a guy one guy yeah he's got
00:05:50
chronic diarrhea he's sweating coughing barking and soring she's in there she's not sleep
00:05:57
she's sleeping 30 40 minutes a night just just just just a war zone then they go why don't I go in the bedroom 10t
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away and then just have it any temperature I want and sleep if my wife hears this sound okay listen very carefully if she hears this sound bolts up awake what was the
00:06:17
sound well do you have a machine do you have a noise machine be like just that tiniest sound tiniest
00:06:25
sound so who's there who's there mhm yeah like this nobody I stand up I don't know sleep is an important thing David that's
00:06:36
my message to you and this would be a perfect place for a mattress commercial we don't have okay speaking of pooping
00:06:43
if we're going to talk about the Olympics we should start that's the big story we should start with poop river that Heather has brought up for months
00:06:50
now but yes poop river is one now more people know about it because first came to shove yes the sane River down the center the s I don't like they spell
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it's insane right now good night s just spell it senen everyone's fine but we have ADD letters what's your hot take on this PO my hot take is you know
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what it is it's a couple things Dana first of all I guess it's got I don't like when I'm
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about to do one of my Olympic events and I hear the word feal matter I don't yeah
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I don't like bacterium mhm M like they go okay everyone it's perfectly healthy most of you will probably live it's just it's a little poop heavy right and the
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problem was people started pooping in it on purpose before the Olympics because they were mad about what because they
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thought they spent too much money on cleaning the river and not cleaning the city I love the French culture you think
00:07:54
of Wine and Roses the Eiffel Tower but yeah people defecating in a river is also part of the Parisian mix right and
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they said they were getting on chat rooms going they're going to check it a week before the Olympics and the mayor's
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going down there so let's all poop in it and they all coordinated no joke peeing and pooping in the river to make sure no
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joke make sure that it would not pass they're trying to f up their own Olympics so anyway the poor mayor is like o we the river is fine and they
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test it the guy testing it looks goes not great she's like oh it's just a little bacterium and poople matter so
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she goes I'll dive in oh my God she goes in someone else goes in and it was like
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Swamp Thing she comes out but she's like this it's so magnifi in there it burs my face it burs get me out of here it burns my face got
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turpentine River yeah so she gets out like this all good di she's like yeah yeah I wouldn't swish it around your mouth I did that as a mistake um but just to swim if you're it for a couple
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hours in there they went in there I don't know if they they SW I think they just went in because this is the they
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got it kind of clean and then the triathletes said uh kind of look down they saw what was the water like go uh
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didn't taste so good that's all I said is that what he said yeah it didn't taste so good he said I see an I said
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that better be a Baby Ruth floating down by my blocks technically you know just biologically if you're going to do
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freestyle swim in a river you're going to you're going to on on average swallow a liter of water and so in that liter of
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water is all the things that you can possibly imagine they go just enough poop that you can still
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live oh yeah the guy said I gulped it um that was one of the guys testing it and
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he goes it's all good I gulped a little bit I wouldn't recommend gulping uh was too much but also you you
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know cuz they pushed it back a couple days to give it a little more time to clear out and then they really did it
00:10:08
and you know there's someone on the side going we got a Code Brown and I'm like one of the swimmers going I think I know what that means I think I can figure
00:10:14
that one out code blond Ramjet Ramjet I know you got 10 scientists with big beakers on the shore going still not good look at that look
00:10:25
at that bacteria they're all like on the blocks one I don't speak French but when they're like this yeah you go that's not
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good also lastly you can tell because even though it's French you can tell it has English Roots how is the
00:10:47
river what's that skunk's name the French skunk pep pep he wouldn't get it yeah he wouldn't go near that no but how about you're a triathlete they go it
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might be tomorrow so the next day you carve up on eight plates of spaghetti and they go not today you're like oh
00:11:05
we're not doing it okay so I'm not running 26 M oh so we'll do it tomorrow so now you're walking around all day
00:11:10
going I gotta walk this off then they go okay now we're doing it up scramble scramble they were going to do the
00:11:16
French version where you just get in a cold tub and splash for a few minutes then you're on a unicycle for about a quarter of a mile and then you just walk
00:11:23
up these stairs for two minutes and that's the the mini French yeah that alternative yeah I did
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one where it was a paddle booat uh just go across a lake and then I think that's
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it that was it I did one you hop on your left foot two times slap yourself in the
00:11:43
face once and then stare at the Sun for one second the new Olympics for kids are
00:11:48
you DM three people try to get three DMS answered and then you make a tick Tok I wasn't on Tik Tok and they told me the Chinese government was gonna study me so I'm that's all all right other
00:12:00
things other keep it moving yeah the other things in the Olympics though what any other Olympic stories well I just occurred to me they they do the
00:12:06
freestyle they doing the backstroke you got to do the backstroke right sure and then they have the freestyle they have
00:12:12
the butterfly they have the freestyle sounds like Freestyle means whatever you want they all seem to do this but what
00:12:17
if someone came up with something that was better than freestyle like just he's got a new stroke we don't know what it
00:12:23
is I mean there's no rules that they have to do the Tarzan freestyle it's just free so what if someone came up
00:12:30
with a better way F that's my question can you I think they would have done it by now but I I'm all for
00:12:38
it by the way um Simone biles is doing awesome which I'm happy about she's killing it as of this as of the timing of this podcast she won another gold in
00:12:49
the floor exercise which she has so much power the thing that's interesting is that she's standing there in the corner
00:12:57
and then she gets a ton of speed up she goes apparently 20 ft in the air and does 10 sumersault and lands it but then
00:13:04
because of the rules of the floor exercise she stands there and does stuff that we could do for about 30
00:13:09
seconds just this it's filler and then she somersaulting nine times and then back to you know what I actually agree with you because I saw the balance beam and
00:13:20
they do a flip really hard then they go yeah and then they just flap their arms around and I go that I can do that middle part they must love the flapping
00:13:27
arms part gez I landed that now I'm just gonna so that was my hot take on that what about that guy that walks around with a full boner all the time and his Speedo I'm like all right guy and he
00:13:38
kind of leans back on what I know he's got a mini a mini loaf of bread in his Speedo yeah that at some point and and it's like a drag on the pool he's got
00:13:49
he's got that he can if he wins with that thing in his pants I mean there's a drag coefficient to that is true it's a very scientific by the way if I if I
00:14:00
look like that in a speedo I would join swimming if I was walking over the space shuttle like this guy he's standing
00:14:06
there and leaning back pushing it out going what what what are you looking at I'm like I would join swimming only so I
00:14:12
could wear almost nothing so everyone could check out my wang all the whole time his nickname is Space Needle I
00:14:17
don't know I mean all the live long day all the all the gigantic statues yes um and no offense I think he was slapping it around trying to get a partial you know what I mean because he's not
00:14:29
walking around that chubbed up you know he has to look at three pages of porn maybe one thing on his phone for 400
00:14:36
years ago and like the guys go down with their swords and fight the other other villagers with swords he's the first guy
00:14:43
going down with that kind of action up front oh yeah he's got a lot up front that's a big Target too many cc's of
00:14:50
plasma down there for my taste just just give us your regular Wier [Music] let me do a quick thing about the opening ceremonies oh oh no yeah let's go because the opening ceremonies when everyone's and it was
00:15:10
raining yeah and it was kind of long to be honest uh because hours yeah and they're sitting there in the pouring rain the problem is a lot of them had events the next day I'd be like guys
00:15:21
I've got a huge day tomorrow I think I might I might because uh I actually row at 4 AM so uh I'm going to punch out of the last six and a half hours tonight
00:15:33
I'm just gonna try to get standing on a boat in the freezing rain yeah and they're like I have to get up in four
00:15:40
and a half hours I I actually have all my events tomorrow guys I don't want to be a party pooper but I'm gonna [ __ ]
00:15:45
bounce I'm running the marathon in 27 minutes and I've been standing on a freezing boat for seven hours do you
00:15:52
think I could maybe do a quick acit guys I have to dive in a poop River in about 22 minutes
00:15:59
all right that's it now we'll go to Biden oh my only wait you want to talk about the boxing oh yeah the boxing well
00:16:07
there's been a controversy that a trans athlete whether he's a trans athlete is she or he I don't know here it is boxer
00:16:14
had gender test issues wins first Olympic F so when you're watching the fight just as not thinking you're kind of seen seems like a dude really strong
00:16:26
hit a smaller woman not near as strong in the face twice and then she drops her knees and starts crying so it's like I don't know uh what right I don't know
00:16:39
what to do about this it's I like the boxer said enough oh my God yeah cuz her nose was too tweaked you know there's apparently maybe has two ex chromosomes
00:16:51
or he he's born with both lady and man I don't know I don't want to go into the biology of it but yeah it just doesn't
00:16:59
doesn't look right and then it's a little gaslighting when the commissioner of the Olympic swimming just goes he
00:17:06
goes there no this is not a transgender issue right this is nothing to do with that well everyone's trying to dance around and not get in trouble and of course that no one wants to get in
00:17:17
trouble but you have to just think of a safety issue at some point you know what's with that picture back up because
00:17:23
I want to do that's the boxer right yeah I just want to see what we put it back up for a second just in the next 10
00:17:29
minutes this is stepen Tyler watching this dude look like a lady or lady looked like a dude all right that was a long way to go for that yeah it was good that's all right but
00:17:41
basically it's not a transgender issue but she seems to have the strength she says I'll beat them all that was that was his her quote I'll beat them all and
00:17:52
I thought she meant she would take them all on that would make it fair if it was the 20 women against this person it it
00:18:00
always comes up like this someone from China or somewhere might be doping but it's all sort of it's happening so fast so blurry so vague you don't really know
00:18:11
remember the figure skater they thought was they got a medal anyway and they thought they were cheating that's our
00:18:17
they listen remember when they had um Canada was sent the drone over the other team what was that for oh yeah and they
00:18:25
and they got deducted I don't know what happened well Russia they had all the lab samples this is a few years back
00:18:31
maybe four one Olympics back lab samples inside this this room completely guarded
00:18:39
and shielded and then they did a mission impossible Drew Drew holes in the ceiling they had people crawling around
00:18:46
they went down with Incredible equipment yeah picked them up put clean samples in them and put them back so that's like I
00:18:53
would give all those the Russians all the gold medals just based on doing a Tom Cruz right you know just show that
00:19:01
that's more fun to watch but you could tell that even they were the Russians were singing The Mission Impossible
00:19:06
theme the next day and they get away clean samples clean samples drugs away okay here here we
00:19:18
keep okay this is a South Korea sent a fully kitted out player so we're looking at a shooting event which I don't really know about it's like a daisy air rifle or something I used to have a BB gun or pet
00:19:31
gun I had both turkey sent a guy with no lenses oh this guy walks like he just came from the Grove he's just he's in a T-shirt and no eye protection he's just
00:19:44
like gunning it down and he he's got his hand in his back pocket I mean that's a relax I guess that's what you're
00:19:50
supposed to do so either it's not that hard or it is really hard and he's really good but I think he got silver which is an incredible
00:20:02
achievement here's my hot take on that this whole thing is about nerves a lot of this Sports is just about nerves so the way he just had a t-shirt on walked up what's up yeah I'm cool and boom
00:20:14
because then if you're there like I got to do this or I you know all my family's watching you know yeah you're putting on
00:20:20
all your your microscope things and your stuff and you're padding and that's trickier oh wait yep oh that's somebody
00:20:27
who's really in that looks like Tron what is that his normal what is that is that a gun or what that's his Daisy air rifle and uh I think I think that shoots
00:20:39
the target for you like right now he's right now this is his Olympic gold medal shot right there he's not even looking
00:20:45
at the Target he just he just said fire five bulls eyes yeah that's the Olympic champion in action you know what that thing is on the top right looks like a price tag
00:20:58
that's that's so you don't have to go through the work of shutting one eye when you're when you're lean like that that does it
00:21:05
for you you just can't see I think that's really what that's for um all right enough of these corny Olympics let's get to Joe Biden well I it's nothing revolutionary I just kind of as
00:21:17
a human story not a political story yes it's such a turn of all the stuff that went down and clearly he was he's he's a stubborn tough Irishman MH and you know
00:21:28
I'm stay St at the convention you know and then he has a change of heart he goes so now Camala which is great she's
00:21:34
having her moment in politics so people are losing it over her and she's you know you're being compared to Joe Biden of a month ago yeah how Pap up so she's
00:21:47
having her moment so I just wonder and it happens to anybody if a Camala superfan was at an event and just started telling Joe Biden how great she
00:21:57
was you know that it's like Toy Story or something oh my God Joe have you seen her oh my God
00:22:03
she's so awesome she get her ratings are bigger than ever I mean she's got like she's winning every state and it's just
00:22:10
so great right Joe he's like yeah this great which one's her again Can't Believe It's Not Butter I got in there on that one can't I couldn't shut up oh no take two
00:22:26
she's it's fun to be this charact character oh my God Mr President I'm sorry but Kamala can you believe it
00:22:32
she's so good she's so smart she's so pretty the ratings are through the rough I she's got every swing state just got
00:22:39
everything I just can't believe we have her aren't you happy yeah is I happy who's happy [Music] for can't believe it's S
00:22:51
Bar there we go anyway but that there is some organic human truth in that uh whatever their politics are there's because there the the next new
00:23:03
shiny object there's a new kid in town and he was just there and now everything God I mean it's honestly like someone
00:23:10
getting a new boyfriend they're like going crazy it's like give it a second it's embarrassing to go Instagram official like now suddenly Biden sitting
00:23:17
there eating his cold gacho going is he even president like we're not going to hear hide or hair him now and he's still
00:23:24
the president of the United States you kind of forget you know cuz she's she's not even nominee yet but I think the
00:23:30
Democrats are just happy because it looked really bad for them and now they know they've got more than a Fighter's
00:23:37
chance yeah yeah yeah it did it did change gears very quickly and uh I just don't like they had that something called like um white men for Cala white
00:23:50
or black women for Cala like I don't I personally don't love that when the race is involved so much you know what I mean
00:23:57
white dudes for Harris why now why does it have to be just just say people that are because when race gets into it it
00:24:03
just feels divisive like I don't even know if they should bring up a race at all she's a great candidate and there's
00:24:10
Trump that's a candidate so let's talk about issues that it there never fails to go back to race and this and then
00:24:16
everyone steps in it and everyone says the wrong thing and it's just very why would you say white man it's just it it
00:24:23
feels I know condescending it feels like the 90s are calling or something I mean
00:24:28
you know we had a black president named Barack Obama Superstar the most popular ex-president
00:24:35
in the world right now and um I don't know I feel like it's kind of rude because after a while like they say oh when I used do the sitcom they go we have this director that but at a certain
00:24:48
point everyone drops saying okay we have a black director this week we have a female director it's like we have a
00:24:54
director and I think it's condescending to keep bringing up race because it's like can you
00:25:00
believe they got this far you go that sounds so rude you say hey they're great they did a great J people I admire I
00:25:08
think that might have been slightly tongue and cheek I'm not sure what the joke was because Jeff Bridges and Mark
00:25:14
HL and people were doing it and and Jeff Bridges who I adore you know they asked him about it and he's just like well I'm
00:25:22
you know I just figure it'd be kind of a you know sort of a joke thing you know people took it seriously but I hold on a
00:25:31
second I need to could I get a hogy yeah where where is he filming this in a saloon well no the guy is our one of the greatest living actor he's a [ __ ]
00:25:43
stud but he he does True Grit the makeover and he does it brilliant he the first time Jeff Bridges became full full
00:25:50
cowboy and he short always sounded like he just had too much to eat and kind of right down here and then he does the
00:25:57
Press junk it and they go Mr Bridges how did you find playing the cowboy and and he kept the Persona well I I enjoyed
00:26:04
making the movie very much so I'm I'm happy to do another one and then from then on you know that's what I said you're either a cowboy or a pirate he was a cowboy yeah he's a studly yeah
00:26:15
he's a stud dude they had they had Pete booty judge on there too they had a lot of people yeah and Mark H what is the
00:26:22
theme they just talk about Kamala great right that she's great but it's not a white thing that I mean just picture of
00:26:27
trump had a white we're going to have a big white Zoom call of all white people be like that doesn't hit the ear right
00:26:34
it should never hits the ear I got you I got you we we want America you know I'm going on limp to come together not be so
00:26:41
divisive that's our dream that's our dream we I'll start singing pretty soon I don't know if I could dream all right
00:26:48
what's the next dumb thing we're talking about I'm running out of winners no there's something coming up we'll throw
00:26:54
it up here what do we got any funny videos any okay the amount of money Oh I thought You' think this is interesting
00:27:00
the amount of money Olympic athletes earn by winning a medal based on their country okay what's the first one France
00:27:09
a gold gets you 71 this is for the actual athlete right yeah oh so there 71 I thought it would all be the same I didn't know you get money did you have you don't well it was for years it was amateur athletes and then the rules have
00:27:22
been changed but I didn't know they're getting actual payment you know yeah that's like an incentive from the country so so okay what that's that
00:27:29
sounds good let's say 71 for gold 16 for bronze o now let's go to ca Cameroon no
00:27:36
let's see what's next Singapore 700,000 wow for a Goldie 737,000 that is that USD good question
00:27:49
um or is that in mock mck n click which is our currency M LX I've got some USD in my pants anyway Spain uh Spain is 100 Grand fine I'll accept it
00:28:03
anything in your pants is funny at the end okay USA how you doing in your pants uh wow USA is cheap by the way where's all that Ukraine money going it's not
00:28:13
going to the [ __ ] medals payoffs Jesus I'm surprised we're doing as well as we are that's cuz we're
00:28:21
out 37 grand for a gold get [ __ ] oh okay 97,000 you like like a golden M pepper boy Germany
00:28:36
on we pay you tiny little bits on money is that worse that's worse than you that's the worst one Heather yeah okay 21 Grand for gold and a roll of quarters
00:28:48
for bronze okay Taiwan they should be spending that on arms defense against the eventual
00:28:55
Chinese invasion uh yen is this really a good use of your Yen because you may have an invasion soon you might want to invest in some kind of Submarine Oh by way Norway is
00:29:08
getting hey Johnny Norway's getting rat [ __ ] wait a minute I'm half Norwegian what the [ __ ] half cheap skate you get no money you do it for the country no
00:29:19
wonder I always buy it koi by the way the best distance run in the world is Norwegian Ina britson he's a machine oh
00:29:26
bless you yeah Inger bitson in my pants doesn't even make sense no I went for the camera okay wait um okay next one I
00:29:40
thought I had a running joke I don't this is they're checking for injuries um getting medical attention
00:29:49
ready okay that's your right ball is that am I grabbing your right nut yeah but it's actually my shoulder that hurts
00:29:58
what country is that guy from I want to know how much he might get paid to have someone groping him dude who's getting a
00:30:04
hand job during the timeouts I mean she's literally like don't grab the nards that hard you see what she's doing well he looked like he was injured and she had her hand down there and
00:30:15
apparently there is a shot I don't know if we have it of them having cocktails later at the olypic what happened to
00:30:20
cocktails before well I don't know what event he was in but whatever it was it involved
00:30:26
some I there's a rumor that guy action is Mormon so I think it's the next step is soaking I don't know if she goes should we go soak in
00:30:38
the um cold plunge and warm it up [Music] pool the show Just Got Sexy yeah she should pull like swimmer
00:30:51
outside and grab his monster dingdong go ahead okay here's how oh this is this is
00:30:56
too bad I don't I don't know if this the Olympics but basketball jokes this is kind of balls basketball players here's
00:31:03
a friendship was born okay we'll watch play out so they're talking should we do it come on bro they're thinking about it
00:31:10
going F it I like is that Godfather music pretty close they're going to take they tell the guy take a picture of us with our jerseys are you sure why is it
00:31:25
weird people take pictures with jerseys and they're switching jerseys okay this guy's oh I got okay okay okay they switched jerseys you see what it said
00:31:41
Heather black and white close what did it say it said black dick one guy's last name was Dick oh I and one guy's last
00:31:53
name was black so they switched it and you can do the math anyway that was kind of ballsy to do during a game to the cameras and not think you're going to
00:32:03
get in trouble uh yeah I I don't know if they're from countries that pay very much but they're not taking the Olympics very seriously I don't even know if that's the Olympics to be quite honest I know our show is a scam but you know I
00:32:15
hope they weren't too hard on them Christ sakes you got time to swamp jerseys for a pithy rejoiner I you don't
00:32:23
think you're going to be on the podium anytime soon you're spending time undressing and dressing when you should
00:32:30
be warming up in the pith pit okay you know what you're going to be doing you're going to be diving in picking up
00:32:36
swim caps they designated swim cap catch okay that's a that's a CL rejoiner if I Wasing the swimmers are like why is
00:32:50
there so many poops in the actual pool I think someone made a break for it we may
00:32:55
we may be setting a record for poop references definitely in the top 10 yeah you look like Troy
00:33:01
donu going back to the 50 look at how wavy it is it looks like I got a solid floby commercial going yeah I don't know
00:33:08
where you got all that hair but make sure you put it in the drawer nice and tight when you put it back in the drawer
00:33:14
at night yeah lock it up wherever you got it you know this side's a uh like a too high that corner I'll fix it uh not today not now not when I'm going on
00:33:26
camera I'll do it later one day the entire show is going to be about what we do to our hair to look like this okay
00:33:32
what's the next one all right here we go Americans be having I don't like when they talk like this be having this in their movies and only eat one grape that
00:33:44
is kind of funny like this is the breakfast table when there it's like a sitcom or like a a movie and the kid
00:33:49
walks out honey we have to talk about the dance and he's like Bye Mom got a run grabs one grape and she's like but I
00:33:56
made food for 30 yeah it's muffins It's eggs it's waffles it's chicken it's bacon it's like 44 croissants a bowl of fried chicken 18
00:34:08
orange juice that's so funny that is true that's funny in movies they get a little carried away you know movie
00:34:14
everybody has their Department the people in charge of dressing up The Breakfast Table always overdo it except
00:34:20
the director to Tamp that down but the director is too busy stuffing his face by the way I got caught the other day
00:34:26
cuz I was trying to use my new phrase that I think is funny and it kind of Applied but I had to meet this dude
00:34:32
about a movie and uh and there was no agents or anything I go I'll just meet him by myself and then I'm like God when have I had it's just so hard to meet someone in person by
00:34:43
yourself that you don't know and you got to talk for an hour and have lunch and I go oh I raw dogged it with this dude
00:34:49
today just nothing phone down no distractions just no people to help and jump in just and they're like you raw dogged it with a dude today and I'm like yeah let me just I'm going to
00:35:02
rephrase I'm using raw dog too much I uh I just had a meeting by myself it's a catch all yeah because raw dog means just Bare Bones you just go and have a meeting you don't have the help of
00:35:14
anything but when you say it's with a guy it sounds dirty even even if it's yeah a guy two guys meeting in a
00:35:21
restaurant right do you know in the Soviet Union I was told that people always get a third if they want if they
00:35:27
want to drink Vodka they always two guys they always go let's find a third because what because it looks like third
00:35:34
makes the conversation that much easier you know oh but the only thing you can do in that situation is ask questions
00:35:41
because people like to talk about themselves I do I go what do you think about me what kind of movie deal have
00:35:46
you got for me and what's about what am I getting how much money will you pay me I said you talk I listen if I get up and
00:35:53
leave at any time during this meeting it's not going well it's never A Downing downside to get it get up in someone's grill a little bit in that situation and go what you gonna do magic man what you
00:36:05
got I do I do good in meetings that are important I go you got 10 seconds go and
00:36:10
they go what and I go nine eight and they're like here's a million dollars do you ever did you ever start with hey you know who I am man do you know who I am there go I hope so I'm [ __ ] Joe Dirt
00:36:24
that's who you're having lunch with Joe [ __ ] dirt oh yeah dear you ever see the the world wrong Missy the world wrong Missy Danny you're
00:36:34
going to get this right one time well I know it's we I know it's the wrong Missy but I call it the world Missy for about
00:36:41
20 28 episodes I call it the world Missy you know Bobby Lee brought me up last night at The Improv and he brought up that he is uh that he starred in the
00:36:52
wrong Missy with me with one line at the desk and he did and we always make fun of it he he had one line and he kept screwing it up which was even funnier uh anyway okay next next
00:37:06
subjects I don't know we have another video It's called friend test oh let's see what this friend test is I don't
00:37:12
even know what this is it's actually a test to find out if your friends actually like you so recently
00:37:18
psychologist did a study and they found that on average 50% of your friends actually hate you and they don't like
00:37:23
you at all but there's a test to find out which of your friends hat you have to do is text any of your friends three
00:37:29
words friends friends friends and what this will do is when they receive it it'll leave an impression in their mind and then you send another text to them
00:37:35
and ask them pick a number between one and 10 I pick a number between one and 10 That's So Random okay so depending on the number they send you they don't even
00:37:42
know this is happening but psychologically they're actually rating your friendship on a scale of 1 to 10 it's a psychological technique that
00:37:48
psychologists use so if they text you a number below seven that means they really don't like you and you probably shouldn't be their friend but if they
00:37:54
give you a number closer to 10 that means they really your and hypothetically this nice try nice try
00:38:02
that guy's voice was a [ __ ] assault um yeah now Dana I texted you a one yesterday for some reason and just don't
00:38:08
take that wrong yeah I texted you still still besties forever and then I immediately regretted the text I was like why that's so corny no I like it I
00:38:20
shouldn't I shouldn't have press send I myself F FF that means I don't know what
00:38:28
yeah that's weird who would you rescue on a desert island me or Adam Sandler oh do not make me do
00:38:37
this I don't need a resue I hope they rest I hope they get me a not are you you can sing when you do that give me some coconuts I can make a not so
00:38:54
tasty stew ah I want a crab a cakes oh you didn't rhyme with stew well but crab cakes wait going be I din know crabcakes again crab cakes oh crab a I have a
00:39:10
picture of us Dana from you doing Tony Montana on lights out do you Heather gave me a present you
00:39:17
oneing it's trending in my room because in my off bunch of pictures okay here we
00:39:23
go okay here we go they're pushing us along [Music] oh this is on the podcast we have Joe Elliot and we should have put I'm gonna
00:39:39
rag on the podcast we didn't put on fly on the wall Joe Elliot from De leopard so we just have a picture and saying listen to Joe Elliott this week but I don't know if everyone knows he's from
00:39:49
De leopard no de leopard yeah for sure so he told a story if you go over and listen to that of how I ran in him
00:39:56
somewhere I had worn a jod dirt t-shirt in no a de t-shirt in Jo dirt and then blah blah and then we talked about that and then I was with Chris Rock and Kid Rock and
00:40:09
Justin Timberlake do you remember what bar he said Heather you do not okay and so he said and then he just
00:40:16
hit us up later and said I think I have a picture from that night look at me with a fedora why would I even show this
00:40:22
picture it was shot through a [ __ ] shower curtain or a piece of soap what it's a blurry mess it's the worst
00:40:29
picture ever Tak camera from the 70s this was shot through a [ __ ] wall well before iPhones before iPhones Jesus of course it was like one of those
00:40:43
throwaway cameras it's green you know this is clearly a CIA photo somehow you guys clear from Unsolved Mysteries and then they were last seen at a bar
00:40:54
together Spade was wearing his favorite Dora and no one understood why he wore it well it was kind of embarrassing
00:41:01
during the podcast when Jo goes yeah we did meet and you're like uh what I know why wouldn't I remember that but I think I do remember meeting him I just didn't know it was a whole Shenanigans of going
00:41:13
to a karaoke you had a couple little Pops I had a few knocks I'm a little bit of a boozy Suzy by the way just quick
00:41:20
insert did you see the Secret Service Guy The News Leader of the Secret Service being you know interviewed by
00:41:29
grilled by Congress God so funny se he didn't whatever I saw he didn't answer much that's was so funny I mean they're
00:41:37
there it's been three weeks it's like they don't have any information and they've got that John Kennedy guy
00:41:42
Senator John Kennedy now what I'd like to understand something he goes so slow just a a basic question why did you not have Secret
00:41:55
Service people on the roof where the shooter was the guy's like well we're going to look into that and we don't really uh we're going to we got we're
00:42:06
we're we're comprehensively studying do you have any idea how stupid you sound right now oh a normal person might think if I was going to shoot the president I
00:42:20
would climb up on the nearest shed now that's exactly what he did and we all thought of that except you well uh Senator we decided to put the Secret
00:42:32
Service Personnel inside the shed so let me get this straight you put the secret
00:42:39
it's a little Ross Pro coming in yeah you put the Secret Service guys inside the shed did you also I understand set
00:42:47
up a buet for them well yes you put it where the shed where there's a wall that you can't shoot through so let me roof is where you can do lots of shooting so
00:43:00
they were in the shed serving themselves macaroni and cheese and spare ribs while
00:43:07
the young man climbed on top of the shed and took aim at the former president is
00:43:12
that right uh well we're going to study that either was macaroni and cheese we don't know if there were actual soft
00:43:17
drinks we found shrapnel of Co SL all around the [ __ ] now this sounds dumber than and a three peckered billy goat
00:43:29
yeah I have to tell you you haven't answered one gosh damn question yeah all we found instead of shells was cro dads that had been roasted in honey butter
00:43:43
sauce sir do you know what a shm shrimp ball is while your agents were having shrimp
00:43:50
balls and honey roasted C dads someone was on the roof doing a slow crawl with a loaded weapon is that correct well we're going to study it we don't know and we we'll find out something guess
00:44:03
what [ __ ] you you fired did you really assign the Secret Service to go out and
00:44:11
get more Co slot and some funon so they had Pringles at the exact time of the Gunning down the president pulled the trigger they were pulling
00:44:24
their finger around two Pringles at a time and that leaf that canister of Pringles was gone before the shooting was over is that correct uh we do believe the Pringles were emptied at the
00:44:37
same time the rifle was emptied sir interesting I think it's funny how long we've stayed with this bit yeah this bit feels like it's over and it's still going it's just if we could get Jeff
00:44:53
Foxworthy on the line and Ross perau and have a baby and have him interrogate the
00:45:01
secret and then evaporate all the jokes out of it and it would be this B now let
00:45:07
me I'm just let me check my notes here you can't put a porcupine in a barn yeah light it on fire and expect to make licorice I don't think you're going to
00:45:20
get a job sucking farts out of dead chickens after this my opinion you will never be fully employed swallowing Tad
00:45:36
poles that have been basted in a buttercream barbecue sauce anyway before we go what is the uh product code on that barbecue place
00:45:49
because I want to order something can you give me a definition of a assassination attemp do you have
00:45:56
that information on your person do you understand that guns are involved in an assassination so if you see some Joe
00:46:03
Dirt looking [ __ ] walking out with a rifle you might want to put a dog ear or put a pen in him and say check
00:46:10
this guy out maybe Frisk him yeah you have got to pat down all the carnival gos now I understand you had 40,000 people in that Carnival and
00:46:25
they all were p down except one individual is that correct is that what when you're on a rooftop 60 ft up and everyone on the ground is saying that
00:46:37
guy's got a gun is that your first clue that you might want to start pulling back the hammer and shooting away if you see a tank a military tank
00:46:51
come into an event and start firing shells towards the speaker would that be a good thing or a bad thing sir your time is up I got one more someone needs
00:47:04
to stop us okay what what else can we do is it almost over we have one more bit 49 okay one
00:47:11
more bit what do we got anything good on there then I got some athletic shorts here's big fart that was a short and gassy one do you want to hear another
00:47:24
one I don't even know how to continue this after that what the [ __ ] it's Alexa what is going on Alexa St by the way okie dokie she's trying to
00:47:39
do like a Tik Tok and Alexa keeps I think she's playing it very real if it's real she's playing it very good yeah I wonder it was pre-recorded I
00:47:51
mean at first it did sound like Alexis can you make Alexis make sounds like that yeah because but also sometimes talking it
00:48:05
sounds like I say hey Siri and then it answers something when I'm in the middle of conversation like it just did it heard me say Siri but if
00:48:12
you say if you're just talking and say the wrong thing Alexa goes oh you want to hear some gross farts that's why
00:48:20
would Alexa even think of that and go along with it well you know they have Alexa and
00:48:26
it's been a while they have um fexa which is a different one that makes sounds yeah we found something here there we go we found something yeah fexa is maybe not as comprehensive but makes
00:48:38
party sounds or whatever you want fex to say yeah Alexa I need a machine gun fart thank you fart XA windy pop windy Pop um windy pop for me windy pop what's
00:48:55
that one a fart that's a I used to be able to do a great one and what what's wrong with it now that one's not good n that's too typical it's too
00:49:09
commercial uh okay is that the last one or should we get off because we have a big should we end on that clanker probably or should we do more
00:49:19
southern guy we just do it during the credits credits roll we're still talking if a B2
00:49:26
bomber is go coming down 100 feet over the carnival headed toward the stage would you consider that a threat would you stop and Fisk it what Fisk it after
00:49:39
you had your bisket Bo I stayed on the buffet theme yeah well I do like the way you hit Fisk FIS a added syllables let's just end
00:49:53
with that we're killing this is funny okay thanks Dana than remember smash that subscribe button man I guess it's good for us that's what everybody does it it's all the rage oh
00:50:06
yeah I added a date my Denver show that we're filming for whatever and so come out
00:50:13
Denver of your Denver show what is it Heather it's October 12th maybe is it I have all my tour dates on David spade.com October 11th we added but we're going back we're hitting Boise
00:50:27
we're hitting uh some big cities Seattle so I'll be out next month but uh thanks everybody for listening and we will talk
00:50:35
soon okay bye Dana goodbye everybody goodbye this has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade Jenna
00:50:47
Weiss Burman of Odyssey Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman hope you liked it [Music]