00:00:00
Look at my open buttons. Oh, you're going low now. Kind of like Triny Lopez over here.
00:00:07
Circa 1968. All right. Dancing with the former stars. Can we get some actual stars on there? We'll throw the show off its axis.
00:00:19
What was What was the Ed McMahon show? Star Search. I auditioned for Star Search.
00:00:26
I auditioned at a mall in Arizona. Paradise, Alabama. Okay, guess what? Bombed. Were you at the Buster Brown shoe store? Where were you in the mall? Was they set
00:00:38
up a little thing in the atrium near the food court? It was pretty good. Weren't you uh
00:00:43
waiting chess king? We'll be with you in a moment. What's funny about a comedian? The
00:00:49
holding area was Hickory Farms. It hits the punchline and then freezes. Okay. So there you there you were next to dockers. You know those are
00:01:00
you got to lean in prek sketchers. Pre-ketchers. I kind of find shopping malls if they're empty and they're kind of nice. I find them sort of calming. It's like going inside a spaceship. It
00:01:13
could take off. You could just live in there. The little music when they're empty very calming.
00:01:19
I go there sometimes to get my steps down. Ladies, are you into the steps and the ladies
00:01:25
are not standing up? They're like, "What? A guy that counts his steps? What? Can I tell you something about the step myth?" Yeah. Don't ruin it for me, but go
00:01:36
ahead. Well, like I always say, people say, "Um, I take a statin, I get side effects. What's your dosage?" Maximum.
00:01:44
Hey, dosage matters. Why don't you lower it? I'll tell my doctor. Do you have any
00:01:50
other side any side effects anymore? No cholesterol still low. Yes. So the same things with the 10,000 feet or 10,000 steps. It's fine. Do it
00:02:04
if you can, but a little bit of intensity goes a long way. Yeah. You know, you don't you do less steps, but you find a little hill. You get out of breath.
00:02:15
It's all in my book. This has been a medical moment with Dana Carvin. I You You're funny. You're really funny.
00:02:22
I like to educate as well and then be funny. You are brains and funny. I am just now
00:02:31
when I auditioned for Star Search at the mall. It was back. Mhm. In the day and you did two minutes and two minutes.
00:02:43
You know what's funny is Dennis Miller had a joke. Our boy Dennis Miller. He said they used to have musical acts
00:02:48
on Star Search. Mhm. He goes, "It was always funny to watch Ed McMahon go, ladies and gentlemen, kayak." Yeah. Hold on a sec. I'm going to close
00:03:00
the curtains cuz it's getting too bright. They keep this in. Oh, for real? Yeah, cuz the sun the sun came out and I
00:03:06
don't want to be so bright that you know Oh, I can't see [ __ ] I'll tell everyone about my headache. Um when it's too
00:03:13
bright here. You always wonder why Dana is really bright and I'm not. Too much light gives me a headache is my [ __ ]
00:03:18
neck. So, here I am. I have a ring light, which I caved into so I could look better. And it's a [ __ ] headache machine. And we're back.
00:03:32
Oh, this idiot. [ __ ] Okay, there. That was Kayak. That was Kayak. Ladies and gentlemen, toe fungus. He has a funny bit too where he says
00:03:44
he went on Star Search with his [ __ ] Unreal act. Yeah. He goes, "Great, great."
00:03:50
He does one joke where he goes, "Uh, Ronald Reagan will be 77 at the end of his next term and he has access to the button. You know, folks, my grandpa's 77. We
00:04:03
don't let him use a remote control on the TV set." And then he goes, he he gets two stars.
00:04:09
And then Sinbad comes out and goes, "You ever have underpants so old it's just you're wearing a rubber band right
00:04:14
away." Everyone goes, "Oh my god, four stars." He lost. I know he was a force in nature. But I
00:04:20
remember booty booty so big be dragging in the sand. And I remember that with people all you'd see with feet and tongues and the audience can't hit hard hands hard enough
00:04:32
together. But he was Simbad's a force. Simbad's funny. He had his stage presence and everything. He always killed. I did a
00:04:38
corporate with him and he blew me away. He killed. Everyone looked at me and goes, "Bring that [ __ ] other guy back."
00:04:44
They go, "Sinbad's gonna open. You're gonna I go open for me." And then I could not
00:04:50
follow it. No, he's a powerhouse. I mean, you know, I had once I was playing some theater
00:04:57
and the stage hand I think we talked about this years ago, but uh he says, "Right before I go out, you know, Sinbad
00:05:03
got like four standing ovations. His first 10 minutes was all about the city and the town and the park and the football team. So, I had to kind of erase all my local references.
00:05:15
Oh, yeah. He gets there six weeks ahead and does all the recon. Yeah. Well, he was a pro. Is a pro.
00:05:22
Let's have him on. Wait, one more thing about about Star Search. Here's trivia. So,
00:05:29
I'm desperately thirsty to get Star Search. Just get anything happening in my Oh, yeah. television show
00:05:34
out in LA. Now they've seen me at the improv. Now I'm auditioning for everything. Joan Rivers had a show.
00:05:41
Oh, I think I told you. So talk. Can we talk? Can we talk? Oh my god. Liz Taylor dog.
00:05:48
So that's Liz Elizabeth Taylor she said was a dog. She's Remember when Louis CK had a episode
00:05:55
with Joan Rivers where suddenly his character of Louis lurched it and tried to make out with Joan Rivers?
00:06:02
No. so turned on by our comedy. Oh, that's great. Let's ask him about it when he comes on. He's coming on in a
00:06:08
couple. Yeah. Yeah, that was that that was really really funny. That um I have a few jokes.
00:06:13
Sexy Instagram. Yeah, please. Hopefully. I have a couple jokes when I follow Louis I want to ask him about that are great. Uh also, so Star Search, I go into
00:06:24
Gervitz's office. Back then we had Gervitz. You like money? Hey, handsome. What do you do in the office?
00:06:30
Oh, somebody's lost. Who's funny to you? Who's funny to you? I have a shirt. I have a shirt just like that, except mine's expensive.
00:06:36
I had a shirt like that. Then my dad got a job. Don't open your shirt, your heart will fall out.
00:06:44
I'm out of Where were you last night? I go, I did a charity at that company store. Oo, don't open your shirt. Your
00:06:49
heart will fall out. He said that one to me maybe. Oh, that's about doing a being a a go. Yeah, being a good doter. Your heart
00:06:57
your your heart will fall out if you open your shirt. Don't open your shirt. Why would the heart fall out? Like it's bursting out.
00:07:02
It's so big. I don't know. It's like a very It It's like a manager's joke. It's like There's a joke
00:07:08
in there somewhere, but it wouldn't be that. It just sounds like a joke. Mhm. If you dissect it. Oh, you did a charity event. Oh, okay. Uh let's see. Um how how many hours a
00:07:20
day do you spend virtual signaling something? You come on. You're the writer. Oh, the other one I said I said, "Oh, I
00:07:26
you know me. I have great guy syndrome. And now he says it back to me. I'm working on Memorial Day. Yep. I got
00:07:33
great guy syndrome. I go, don't take my own joke back to me. I want to make sure my camera is not
00:07:39
Oh boy, we got a real tech situation. I think it's great that people understand that
00:07:44
people like that we're not just walking through. I think it was a little blurry. I think it had some dust on it. We're getting our hands dirty.
00:07:50
I don't know what happened to my hair. I tried to copy you and it's a disaster. Your hair's getting some dust on it.
00:07:55
Mhm. Hm. You know, I don't color my hair and people are accusing me going, "Hey, let it go, dude." I go, "You think I picked
00:08:02
this? Let it go. You've got some silver in there. It looks good today, but I do have some silvery I call it blonde." And people
00:08:09
go, "You mean the gray part?" I go, "What? What? What? Huh?" They go, "Oh, you didn't know that's not blonde." Hey, I'll just say this.
00:08:22
Anyone can do whatever they want. Do we want Mick Jagger to come out with white hair? Question. No. It's funny. You see a lot of these old bands on the road and they all have
00:08:33
pitch white hair. And I prefer they look like they did in this. It's the one time you're for it. Plastic surgery. Darken your hair. Just darkening the hair is a good trick. It
00:08:45
takes 20 years off. Yeah. I mean, Jagger, he's stayed 120 pounds his entire life. He works out
00:08:52
like crazy. I know from inside sources that is his hair. He has a crazy head of thick hair. And so when you're watching him and if they don't go like this, if it's head to
00:09:04
toe, it's MC Jagger, man. I mean, it's it's it's enough of Yeah. He has a character charactery face which I think people appreciate down the
00:09:15
line where I think girls can handle a guy with a lot of character in their face which means a lot of bumps, bruises, wrinkles. Well, experience I mean women I read
00:09:26
this recently and this is not to offend women. This was a generalization by a woman psychotherapist.
00:09:33
Women are attracted to kindness, um, funniness, and access to resources. So MC Jagger, he's kind. I don't know. He's smart and
00:09:47
he has access to resources. He has a garden hose. I've got a castle in Spain. You know, that's a bigger resource than just, you
00:09:58
know, stuff in your doomsday prepper closet. Yeah, I know where I'll go when the
00:10:05
apocalypse where you going to your house where you're meet me in one of my pantries. We should have a We should have a plan.
00:10:11
That's seven That's 700 ft below the ground where you are right now. Whoops. I shouldn't have said that.
00:10:17
Actually, I'm in the basement. It is a bunkery. We're in the basement. That's a place to be when the
00:10:23
radioactive cloud starts climbing up uh Laurel Canyon. Okay. Yeah. The the big one went off. What am I? Gleo. What? What am I? Skishi. The skii. You
00:10:38
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00:11:04
scenting today at pura.com. So, I go into Gervitz's office and I say, "Our manager, I auditioned last night for Joan River show
00:11:16
at the improv and he said cuz he she was so big on Johnny Carson for those of you
00:11:21
who don't know. Such a fabulous." We're talking the 90s. Yeah. Yeah. She I was young comic. was
00:11:28
probably 23. She uh spun off and did her own talk show which was against Johnny and he did not
00:11:34
like it. Never talked to her again. Right. Well, I heard her side of the story, you
00:11:41
know, publicly and I said, you know, she it's a human story, so she starts substituting for Johnny and maybe and Johnny had a lot of time off, but she would either do Mondays, sometimes a
00:11:53
week, and so she was a shiny new object. She was at the peak of her can we talk and you know so she was great killing and then Johnny would come in that so then she
00:12:04
without telling Johnny I went to Fox goes to Fox signs the contract is going to Fox is going to appear as a talk show up against Johnny now what good manners
00:12:17
would have been you know Johnny I'm thinking of making this move you know you just people don't want to be
00:12:22
surprised I don't know if he would have said yes or no but he kind earthed her blind side maybe ran away.
00:12:28
But and it's a and it's Fox's like signature show like they're they're newer. Yeah. This is a big deal that they're going in into late night television. I think she was 11 to 12. It would overlap
00:12:40
with Johnny Johnny Carson. But Johnny Johnny I got blacklisted. So Johnny was he would draw a line. That was her, you know. Sure. So here's Joan does her show. It
00:12:52
comes out all right. You know, it's a big show because it's so much big. Yeah. So, she has
00:12:59
um she has to have guest host. So, she has our senior. Okay. Who eventually did so well off. Yeah. So, when I get Joan Gervitz goes,
00:13:11
"You got Jon show." I go, "Oh, I did." So, I'm pumped. And I go, "Oh my god, I have to do six
00:13:17
minutes on Joners. I'm so scared." And he said, "By the way, also Star Star Search called They Want You, but we
00:13:24
don't want that. We want" And I was like, "Wait, this is the same minute I hear." And I'm like, "I've been chasing
00:13:30
Star Search for about 3 years." I go, "We don't want that." No. No. Handsome. You You got I'm sorry. Did I stutter? We got Joan Rivers, which is a bigger
00:13:43
deal. That's network TV, not Star. Some syndicated dog [ __ ] Oh my. Uh, okay. He
00:13:49
goes, "Just be happy about Joan Rivers. Don't want too much." So, I said, "Okay." So, I say no to casually Star
00:13:57
Search, which I really wanted. I go to Joan Rivers, our senior is the host. I do my set. It does pretty well. Two days later, they call, "Hey,
00:14:08
they want you to guest host for Joan." I go, "Well, me? I barely do stand up. Can I ask you a question for in this story line? When
00:14:19
where is your It's It's truthy. Where is your Carson appearance in this? Before, after, during? What? Because you went on Carson. I think it's after because
00:14:31
Okay. Cuz then you would be a Joe Rivers person if you hosted. Maybe get persona
00:14:36
nongrada. It wasn't that. I wasn't even that smart. I was like, "Oh, I couldn't imagine hosting." I said, "Oh, no." And he's like, "You don't want
00:14:48
to host?" I go, "No, I barely I've never been on a stage before." So, I went out and do stand up. And as I said with
00:14:55
Carson, "All you're doing is going, "Oh my god, the floor is so shiny. Oh, there's that little star I'm supposed to
00:15:00
step on." I look and see the crowd. I've never seen it this way. I've only seen it this way. And I'm like, there's our
00:15:06
senior. [ __ ] Oh, wait. I do my act now. What is my act? It's just too much going
00:15:13
through your head. And I'm like, "Oh, I'm supposed to sit over there, do a monologue. I already did my good jokes. Do this. Didn't know I'd have writers.
00:15:20
Uh, interview people. I don't I'm 23." They just were like, "Shiny, shiny new guy did a good set. Let's throw him in there." So, I say no. And then I go to play
00:15:31
cartoons. I think we talked about this. And then in Utah, cartoons, the comedy club.
00:15:37
Yeah. I'm getting 600. We were just laughing about this with someone. I don't know who it was. uh one of our guests and uh and they
00:15:44
said, "Hey, uh Barry Diller and Gan Seir want to meet you from Fox." They were the new heads of Fox. And I was like, "Why?" And they go, "Just go meet him. I
00:15:55
don't know." So they said, "We" I go in there, I go, "What's up, guys? Blow it up.
00:16:02
Uh what do we got going here? What's this meeting about? I don't have lots of time." And they said, "Uh, why would you
00:16:10
turn it down?" And I said, "Oh, I wasn't ready." A meeting about you turning down a guest
00:16:17
hosting gig. We can't believe you would turn that down. 23 grooming you. They said, "We like that you turned it down. What do you want to do here at
00:16:28
Fox? We want you to be Michael J. Fox over here." And I'm like, "Did you do Michael J. Fox in your act
00:16:34
at that point?" Hey, Sarge. No, they just were saying literally um you know ABC or whoever had
00:16:41
family ties and they're like let's find something for you over here. So that was just a great meeting off of just me not
00:16:49
being dumb enough to meetings. When I was 23 I was still waitering. I I put down my apron the following year but I'd have an apron on at the holiday in. And I'd say the
00:17:02
buffet comes with the meal. The we had a cook who was horrible and there'd be carrots or or you know corn on the plate and there'd be gravy all over it. I had
00:17:13
to bring these disgusting plates to people and pretend it was a big thing. My normal tip was a buck and you
00:17:20
My normal tip was a buck. And you were having meetings being in movies right out of high school. I'm
00:17:25
only saying it out of envy. Congratulations. I like that people like you know I actually worked at Fox. You were asking
00:17:31
where the glory hole was because you were supposed to take care of some things. I'm like, well, it's sort of
00:17:38
casting cow. No, it was a nice meeting and then nothing really came of it. But do you have a message right now for anyone in a young person listening
00:17:50
who aspires to a career like you have or a career in show business? What's what's the takeaway? What can you tell the
00:17:57
young people? I think what I say is what you probably say, what anyone says. Mhm.
00:18:02
When people go casually on Instagram or my friend's kid says, "I want to be an actor or a comedian. How do I do it? Go." Right. Mhm.
00:18:14
Uh, ideally in under 30 minutes, but I think the real answer is there's no answer other than just try to do it. Commit yourself and if you're any good,
00:18:24
someone will find you. I always tell people the same thing. I say it's it's it's a topsyturvy. It's an emotionally
00:18:31
violent thing to do. Only thing you can control in show business is trying to get better at what you do. So, I'd say go to open mics wherever you can find them. Record your act. Sit with the
00:18:45
notes and correct anything that doesn't seem clear, anything that's not funny. I've seen open micers who have an act
00:18:52
that doesn't really work. happened to see them two years later, not one word changed.
00:18:59
Yeah. So, you just have to get better and then see how good you can get and then see
00:19:04
what happens. But try not to be disappointed when people are killing before you, after
00:19:09
you. Also, no, just pay attention to yourself. Nobody else. Yeah. You have to just worry about this. I remember when I told you that.
00:19:15
Remember when I played the improv in Phoenix and you were there and you g me m Mr. Carvey? I was wondering I gave you a southern accent and a
00:19:26
stutter. Yeah. Good. Good. Good. All right. So, should we do my thing? I guess I'm going to show a couple clips cuz this is sort of people are sometimes ask
00:19:39
me how I come up with stuff and my thinking about how I do stuff. Okay, let's not play it. Should I talk
00:19:47
about discuss it first? I'll discuss it a little bit first. So, set it up. So here we've queued up the
00:19:54
Biden that I did. So at the time that I did Biden, I wasn't I I felt like he was
00:20:00
a little underserved with the with the talk shows and so forth. So I just felt that cuz Trump was Mr. Border for like yours.
00:20:10
We got to close it. We're going to close it like nobody's business. And then all of a sudden about six months before the
00:20:16
election, the Democrats saw that this was a they were very vulnerable on this issue. So Biden comes out there as the
00:20:23
border guy, you know, almost aggressively. And I was also breaking down some hooks.
00:20:28
I like Biden as the 50s guy with the ice cream and also threatening people and his uh his attitude. So this was me
00:20:35
coming on to Biden making this point of how funny it is that suddenly he's the border guy. I started with Biden because
00:20:43
the border is all the rage now. Everyone's crazy for the border. So I did Biden three years ago and he's at a
00:20:48
press conference. You know, Mr. President, do you have any idea how you're going to handle the crisis at the border? And Bid's like, first of all,
00:20:55
let's get our facts straight. There's no crisis at the border. Great when you go up like that. And he goes, how do you know, sir? He
00:21:00
goes, cuz it says so on the piece of paper. Come on. He says on paper. There's a
00:21:06
paper right there. And then recently, everyone wants to close the border. Everyone's screaming vines up there.
00:21:12
I'll close the border harder than anyone's ever closed a border. I know how to close borders. Come on, Jack. The
00:21:17
press is like, "But last time, get your facts straight. I'll beat you the hell out of you. Will you dog pace pony's
00:21:23
shoulder? Come on. Let's do some push-ups. I'll close the border like nobody's ever closing the border. The
00:21:28
border patrol border can't believe it's not butter." There's the Heather back then.
00:21:33
That's a good ending. Say it again. Yeah. So, I forgot about the one cuz Biden always would have a binder and he'd have, you know, things he was reading from. They say so here on the
00:21:44
piece of paper was probably the most edgiest thing. But I just want to say is that my mantra is my rule is if I do
00:21:52
satarize somebody is that it's funny first of all. I'm just trying to see if there's
00:21:59
anything in there an elephant in the room. Nothing's being touched. And mostly when I look at that it's funny.
00:22:05
And I've had people who were really strong Biden supporters who said I re I really laughed at that. So at the time it was like what's he doing, you know? Yeah. Underserved and and I think um and
00:22:17
that got millions of views when you count Facebook and everything went got really million sent around
00:22:24
a million views. It did it just because it was uh hadn't been really put out there and
00:22:30
then I ended up doing it on SNL after that. Right. And SNL wasn't really doing Biden. They didn't have a Biden really and they I know a lot of places focused
00:22:37
on Trump uh from talk shows to whatever and Trump's way easier. Says funny things already. You almost don't have to do anything. But it always gets an applause. It gets But in comedy, you should go the other
00:22:51
way sometimes and say, "Okay, well, what is being underserved here? Okay, Biden is the actual president. There's got to
00:22:57
be something funny." Every president gets made fun of. And I do think it was you doing that sort of woke people to go, "Oh, there is a funny thing about Biden that isn't super offensive.
00:23:10
Doesn't take sides." It's kind of playful. You have a funny Trump and you have a funny Biden. So, we had the Biden when I was not here
00:23:16
where he just would sit off to the side and itch his nose in slow motion. It's so funny. That got a lot of because it's only from
00:23:23
observing him because he was the president. Yeah. Mhm. You know, and then I when he when he
00:23:30
started sort of uh being louder, you know, that was sort of helped me because he would whisper, "I know how to close
00:23:36
the border cuz I know how to close the borders borders time." And so that rhythm gave me energy for him, but it
00:23:43
was just something that I did just because I wanted to. So there's one more that was uh
00:23:49
probably got behind the attention. Yeah. Oh, this is Fouchy, right? Yeah. cuz I this was something also I felt was a little underserved
00:24:00
comedic no one made fun of Fouchy and I was like I was look anyone I do I don't hate them I don't have any you
00:24:06
know and mostly I just thought it was funny that Fouchy was the the face of of COVID and he had to sell it in a way and it was changing and mutating rapidly so you had to get different different uh
00:24:19
boosters with different mRNA medicine in them and so he had to be the face of that but
00:24:25
he didn't want to discourage people from getting the the vaccine. So, um I actually was driving from Tahoe and I was talking to my
00:24:35
sister on the phone and this whole thing came out and even the ending too came out. So, let's take a look. I missed co I know you dude, you know what I knew?
00:24:46
There was trouble when anyone that came to our country didn't have to get a vaccine. And I go if you're telling me I can't go to work
00:24:53
but Everyone coming in doesn't have to get one. I go, "Well, once we found out when Fouchi said,
00:24:59
"Okay, I'm sorry. If you've had two boosters and two vaccines, you can get and give CO to another guy who's had
00:25:07
five vaccines and four boosts." What's the difference between a vaccine and booster? I don't know. It's just more vaccine, but booster sounds better.
00:25:14
Anyway, a guy with 25 vaccines would get give CO to another guy with 25 vaccines.
00:25:21
That's why I'm introducing the daily co shot. Every day you get a shot. By the time you get to your car, you got no immunity, but it's a beautiful 39 seconds.
00:25:31
A push in. A nice little push in there. Saying I miss CO is funny. People going,
00:25:37
"Oh, really?" The coms are, "You miss CO." We're like, "We're joking, [ __ ] face." Of course.
00:25:42
And I didn't know I was going to do the glasses coming down. Hilarious. Hilarious. Uh, but anyway, that was the same thing.
00:25:49
It just felt like it sort of had to be said, but also like again it's just funny as well. Two guys with four
00:25:56
boosters and three vaccines can when you see someone on TV every day for two years.
00:26:01
Mhm. Because he's on TV giving reports. No one's saying no one's saying a spin on it. No one's doing a joke. Here's a
00:26:07
common denominator. We all know who this guy is. Now it's time to make fun of him. SNL finally did, but it was Brad
00:26:13
Pitt doing Fouchy, but it was sort of an homage. It was like thanking America. Yeah. and and it was not now someone
00:26:19
kind of go at him and do an actual like funny take where it's making fun of him I think was appropriate and it was uh overdue. Well, we're supposed to kind of uh have
00:26:31
a little fun with our our our authorities. He was the authority during this time and we're uh we're just asking
00:26:39
questions in a funny way. But I think before that there was so much political tension and around people vax, antivax,
00:26:48
that whole thing that it's hard to land something like that and make it really funny. And so
00:26:54
um but you helped me out a lot in that listening and laughing and Heather. Yes, it was all me and Heather.
00:27:01
Uh so that's good. That's behind the clips. Behind the clips. Number one thing, make
00:27:07
sure it's funny when you satize someone. number two, have some sort of truth that's not really been talked about.
00:27:13
That's a little bit elephant in the room kind of stuff. Um, and that was the job
00:27:18
that Fouchi had to do. And I don't I I don't I it's wasn't an easy job. As far as the Wuhan lab, that's a whole other thing. Every time they asked him, do you think the virus came from the
00:27:31
Wuhan lab? Uh, you know, I that's highly unlikely. I don't think so. And then we found out that the NIH, which he's been ahead of, was ahead of, was funding um uh gain of
00:27:45
function research. Doesn't mean it came from the Wuhan lab, but it was a little little bit of a side step to go, I don't
00:27:51
think so, you know. Yeah. Grouchy Fouchy. You get mad. A little prickly sometimes.
00:27:57
But CO is back, but I guess it's weakened. A little prickly. Listen, you can't miss it if it doesn't go away. So Lauren used to tell me, "David, they
00:28:08
can't miss you if you don't go away." Oh, I said like co David, you should have hosted Rivers. It was a way to break out early.
00:28:19
David, uh, CO needs to host. Are you boosted? Because you all should be boosted. I actually did. No joke. I'm
00:28:31
not getting around here. talked to a pretty big doctor in LA, ears, nose, throat guy, and he just said that he he was not antivax or provax. He just said people who keep getting the
00:28:42
boosters seem to be getting co more. Now, that's just one doctor's opinion, but you know,
00:28:48
yeah, I don't know. I had it. I had the flu. It was worse. Yeah, I you know, Christ sakes got an immune
00:28:56
system like Fort Knox. You know, nothing gets in or out. Okay. I was hosting for
00:29:01
Kimmel and I flew to Lake Tahoe, your precious uh place from your other story. And I was doing a show there, but I had to take a COVID test to
00:29:13
host Kimmel on the Monday. So, I take it on Thursday, fly to get one last vacation, and things are starting to
00:29:19
open up a little bit. And I land, I go to the hotel, and I get a call, you've got COVID, turn around and get back on a
00:29:25
flight, get the [ __ ] out. I'm like, I couldn't do my show. Second time I canceled. The third time I went up
00:29:31
there, there was a fire near the casino and the mountains cancelled again. So I didn't get to do it till the probably the fourth or fifth time. God. How many times? Six people left.
00:29:41
How many times have you had CO? I don't know. Like 50. How many? What's normal? 40 is average. I'll let you know when I don't have it.
00:29:53
I don't know if you have it. Asymptomatic is one of the funniest things to happen with anything. You can
00:29:58
say I have asymptomatic blind. I knew young people who got COVID, people in their 20s said they felt
00:30:04
great. They just tested for it. I mean, some people got it harsher. I think in hindsight, maybe it was younger people and older people, but who knows? Uh, let's get to the news story.
00:30:16
Literally, if you're immuno compromised, you're a senior, you're a bit overweight, go ahead, get the get the vaccine. This is our boy John Kennedy
00:30:27
who's always crack up. He was talking about radio. One of the greatest pictures that has
00:30:33
been put on this. By the way, that's really him putting up this picture. It's like feeding candy to the alien
00:30:40
that came out of the guy's. Now, what is the story? The story is something about they detected
00:30:45
radioactive shrimp and now he's takes it all the way to now I'm sitting down for a shrimp bowl and I get a bowl full of aliens. You
00:30:58
know, you don't know. I can't even tell you what he's saying here. Yeah. But it just sounds funny that he goes all the way to bring this [ __ ]
00:31:04
picture to the He's got a good staff. I would need a picture of the alien creature that burst
00:31:12
out of the belly of the man on the spaceship in the movie Alien of expressing a visual of the radioactive shrimp.
00:31:24
Yeah. At preferably covered in blood and the and the baby, not the big giant one. I'm not
00:31:31
scared of that as much. Now, I would like to make it look like I'm just kind of tickling the alien so that if I reach over, it's looks like
00:31:43
we're pals. My words, not yours. Maybe uh a frozen bag of shrimps next to me so I could compare the two and differentiate my point.
00:31:56
What a great What a great performer. We're so lucky. money in the in the Senate. his his
00:32:04
interviews with the people are so you said on October 9th you tweaked to Ed you tweaked your Twitter not mine it's now X is it X okay I know it is Twitter
00:32:19
that man never landed on the moon you still believe that you stand by those words your words not mine
00:32:27
you ever seen something otherworldly [Laughter] um What am I? He's like the the uh new
00:32:35
carrot top or Gallagher of those meetings because he brings props, got suitcase. Well, the slow motion, we've seen it in movies, you know, John Gryom novels of
00:32:45
the super smart southern guy who sounds like a kind of kind of dumb hick, you know, and he moves in slow motion. He's always shuffling papers and I I don't quite know where this is, you know, but
00:32:58
he's laying a trap for the people he's interviewing. Then he finds them and they're like
00:33:05
shrimp boil. Okay, next one. Next one. Next one. Next one. Next one. Okay. Oh. Oh, this is kind of a feel-good story. Okay.
00:33:16
So, 36 years ago, one of boxing's biggest robberies, uh, Roy Jones fought, uh, I guess Park Seun in the Olympics. And when you see a
00:33:29
clip, it looks like Roy Jones lost, but the other guy won it. So, play the clip.
00:33:35
Okay. He He hasn't seen him. What's up, brother? He wants to meet Roy after all this time.
00:33:41
Okay. Guy fought in the Olympics that got his gold. He's wait 36 years. Wow. So good to see. Look at how nice Roy is. The guy beat
00:33:55
him in the Olympics. Was to get in the ring. Wow. Very nice. So, the guy who got the gold is giving it.
00:34:01
He got something for you. First, he takes a picture with it. Then he explains he's giving it back to
00:34:08
him. And it really hits him because for 36 years he's been told he won. He thought he won. And so he's
00:34:23
he won the gold at the time. He had the goal, but he wants to give back to you that it belongs to you.
00:34:28
Wow. Oh my god. How heavy. Wow. 36 years. He thought he'd Thank God for that piano to tell me how to think. Yeah. And and it was playing live there.
00:34:40
Yeah. The guy was See, here it is. Jones is the black guy in this. So when Jones is winning, they keep
00:34:52
stopping it. That I think that's what he's saying. Oh, they Yeah, they would just walk in. But Jones does look like he's winning. I
00:34:58
know boxing very well. Dana Jones in his heyday, I do know, is one of the best boxers of all time. Look how fast. Yeah. Coming from left, right, moving
00:35:08
in. Boom. Boom. Boom. Yeah, it's not close. Yeah, they don't give the Korean the standing eight. It's almost over.
00:35:21
No, I like it. Jones was great. hands down. He's super fast. He says Jones has a tremendous lead. I think he said that.
00:35:36
Yeah, it's I think I remember this. I was very young, Dana. I'm still very young, so I
00:35:42
don't I was probably one. I'm the ref in white. Oh, boy. and he knew it was kind of fixed.
00:35:54
He said stolen right there. This turned into a 30 on 30. Wow. Wow. I mean, you know, I'm I'm only interested in the 36 years of it all.
00:36:06
But the guy knew he'd lost. So, you're five. No, I think I'm still You're 10. I'm going to hang on to it. 25 years later. Yeah. I looked at a couple clips. I'm good. 30. I don't
00:36:18
know, honey. I guess it was a tie. Five. I'm gonna call someone today. Why? Who would you call? I'm not going to do an Asian accent. I do feel like
00:36:29
Roy Jones did not know why he was going there. I think he said the guy wants to see you again after 36 years and just
00:36:35
say hello. And I don't think he could have reacted that way if he knew. I think it really caught him off guard.
00:36:41
Thought it was nice. I think what is the Korean fighter finally saw it again, you
00:36:47
know, brought it out, looked at it again like 36 years later and at the time he looked at it, he was like,
00:36:55
and then there was a small earthquake in South Korea at the time. So he's like, Roy Jones, right? Oh, got to call Roy Jones. Give him back
00:37:10
a middle. That's in the middle. There's an earthquake while he's Well, that it's a reenactment of what I saw on 60 Minutes.
00:37:24
Okay. So, that was nice. Gave it to him. That That was a good feelood clip. That's one of our best.
00:37:30
Yeah. Now, we'll go to a feel bad one probably. Well, let's see what this is. Okay. I don't know. Oh, Japan has created a human washing
00:37:37
machine which which cleans and dries you in 15 minutes. It's also known as a shower. I mean, yeah, I don't know why. Who wants to be It's a The guy's in a space capsule.
00:37:50
It's not for the claustrophobic. It's like a car wash. Do they have a video? No. Okay. Well, I would say no one inside a pod.
00:38:00
No one mentioned the shower to this guy. I think it might bump with your uh bid on Shark Tank next week. Yeah. Okay. Well, hello Sharks. Have you ever been
00:38:11
dirty at the end of the day and have no idea what to do? Yeah. I want to get into the pod that Sigourney Weaver piled into on the first
00:38:19
alien. Okay. And get a little wash and dry before I need need meet the next seven ton creature on planet C. Sorry, I've stumbled.
00:38:31
Krillore. Uh, thank you, Dennis, for being Thank you, Dennis, for co-starring today. Uh, okay, one more. Let's see. We'll keep going. What do we got? We're really up on the news. We're really
00:38:43
It's fantastic. I thought that was a tree, Dana. Uh, that's not a tree. That's a drill. A Florida plumber found a snake. Oh, it was clogged in a toilet
00:38:56
and they had to get a crane to stretch it out to see how long it was. What kind of snake? Okay, for people
00:39:03
listening, the snake is 40 feet long and and 20 in. I mean, and and thick. What kind of snake can get that big? I guess a python. Oh, it's a python grows to 40 feet if
00:39:17
left in a sewer. They had to dig around a house to find it. But I've seen so many snakes and
00:39:23
things that are so big, mostly anacondas, but I have a lot of Yeah, they if they're if they're left alone in
00:39:30
a sewer or something, they just keep growing and growing. So, it's very possible. Now, AI, I don't know if AI
00:39:35
would waste its time with this stupid picture, but Well, what's the Kevin Bacon movie with
00:39:41
the worms underground? Oh, I like that. Tremors. Tremors. Kind of a tremors motif.
00:39:47
Hey, we had Kevin on this show. We should have him on. Oh, I did a gig with uh a charity gig with the Bacon
00:39:53
Brothers. The Bacon Bros. They're great. Super nice. Very talented. You ever try Bakos as a kid? Yeah. It wasn't my fave. You know what it is? That fake bacon you
00:40:05
shake on your Oh, I know. You ever do? You ever You know I love it. Have you ever had on white bread?
00:40:12
Because nothing's in the house a mayonnaise sandwich and you kind of put a little bit of pepper on it. Mayonnaise
00:40:18
on white bread. A little bit of pepper when when mom I don't think I've done that. My mom didn't have a lot around the house, but
00:40:24
I did have peanut butter and mayonnaise. I felt like Elvis, but I did like it and
00:40:29
it was [ __ ] sickening when I think about it. Welcome to another edition of Who had it worse?
00:40:35
A vomitorium. Well, there were five of us. And if if Sugar Smacks came in the house, my brother my brother Mark, we call him the human garbage disposal. He would take
00:40:46
the whole thing and put it in a mixing bowl that you would do for He'd eat them all before you got a quart of milk. Yeah.
00:40:52
Oh, yeah. I had a pepper sandwich with mayonnaise on it. Well, that's the one I just told you about.
00:40:58
No, you had a mayonnaise sandwich with pepper on it. You had a pepper. Okay, got it. I flipped the script on you, D.
00:41:04
I I like that. I'm a little slow on the uptake today. Okay, so uh next one. Let's see what else we got. We're really reminiscing. It's really You're sure? It's amazing.
00:41:16
Okay. We were just built different. 1995. This is one of what part of the new routine after recess, a spray of water in the face to cool them off before heading into a
00:41:28
Every kid goes, "Ow, my air conditioning." I think most kids would like that on a hot day getting sprayed with a big spray
00:41:35
of cool water. I like they have no air conditioning and the teacher just goes by and go,
00:41:41
someone would complain. Don't you think some kid or parent would complain about that? Oh yeah, kids blind now. What did you
00:41:46
have in there? You know, now it was Windex in that bottle. Anyway to sue. Anyway to sue a new show. Anyway, woo. Good lord.
00:41:58
Life is strange. Do you think I explained those clips properly? Did I overexlain them?
00:42:04
No, it's behind the clips. We see a clip that went kind of viral and you explained
00:42:10
about it. Yeah, that's a good thing. We should get a little theme song behind the clips.
00:42:16
You know, harmonize behind the clips. Behind cuz you got some bangers out there. Some seven figure seven figure clips.
00:42:26
You know, I mean, you know, I know you like to play the guitar, Dana. Who did I run into two nights ago? Heather, I
00:42:33
didn't tell you. No Gallagher. They're in town doing uh Oasis is doing Roseb, which from all reports
00:42:45
is a very good show. From all reports, it's it's the best they've ever sounded. I've been following this casually but it is
00:42:56
interesting when their relationship the band in the 90s for period of time was the biggest band in the world nothing for how long 20 years 15 years
00:43:08
just you hear of fighting just and they really hated each other I mean really would come to blows okay let's
00:43:14
start the song [ __ ] you I mean it was like I don't think it's an act yeah I think they really no I think they really did
00:43:21
they're just temperamental They couldn't have how big the tour until you do the tour
00:43:28
and all the tickets are bought and then they're adding dates and selling out reunion. Yeah. Like I'm telling you the
00:43:33
people that are I'm medium into Oasis and I love seeing this dude out in the real world but the people that are in it
00:43:40
are [ __ ] bazutis about it. Yeah. They go crazy and everyone says it's their favorite concert. So what is it all or Wonderfall? What's the big one? It was underalls. that old
00:43:51
wonder maybe maybe Greg knows he knows Wonder Wall and I think null seem sings uh so don't look back
00:44:03
it's catchy it's beetle influence with with pop and I guess null kind of writes a lot of the songs and Liam sings but also I don't know who does what but um
00:44:13
the fact that they are friends now people love that that they're kind of friendly they're make you know making
00:44:19
jokes they're and they're gross OC, but they I always say I mean I've done it on
00:44:24
movie sets and shows where you just don't get along with someone. You know, it's show business is like high school. You're not going to get along with everyone and it's it's okay, but you get
00:44:34
along to get along and everyone's got a common purpose to get a good movie or a good TV show. These bands, if you're an
00:44:41
observer, all you say is, "Hey, Van Halen, get your [ __ ] [ __ ] together and get on that goddamn stage." And I
00:44:46
think they figured out, walk in separately, walk out and get in a car. We don't care if you hate each other.
00:44:53
Play. It's our memories. We want it. So bands like that, you're just like, please do it for us
00:44:59
and figure it out. And they did. And I I love that. And you know, it's not cynical to say
00:45:05
now they're making a lot a lot of money. They probably have a lot of money, but probably maybe you don't know what they
00:45:11
really keep from their first wave of success. Yeah. this time. But, you know, bands get mad because it was even in the
00:45:18
Beatles documentary, you know, Paul's doing, I think, Get Back and then George has a solo or something like that, you
00:45:25
know, and Paul being the de facto producer of his song. Well, maybe you could go a little go and then George
00:45:32
said, "I'll I'll play whatever you want or I won't play at all." You know, and then he quit the band the next day, but
00:45:39
then he came back and they were buddies again. But, yeah, it's all tension. All showbiz is
00:45:44
highly creative, highly stressful and so that happens. Glad they're back. I will see it now. I thought the Rose Bowl was
00:45:51
a little much. I saw the Rolling Stones there and it was where I was in the aisles, you know, and I'm in the stands
00:45:59
and then people cuz I was on the edge, they start coming up and kind of blocking you on the stairs. Then they
00:46:04
kind of get in your row like this. Oh, the creek. And then people go tickets. And they go,
00:46:09
don't say anything. And I'm like, I can't say anything. They're [ __ ] standing on my chair. Can I just stand here
00:46:15
in my We're all standing cuz no one will sit. So now I'm standing and there's people standing in front of me here and
00:46:21
I'm not supposed to rat them out. And then I'm like, "This isn't fun." And also people, it gets scary because it's
00:46:28
like a mob mentality. If there's any trouble, if there's any fights, you're toast. Well, this is where I think I
00:46:34
said the other day, I don't think it's very profound, but at some point, if you have an attachment to, let's say, Oasis
00:46:40
and some of their songs, and you know, you're in the nosebleleeds, you can barely see their
00:46:46
screens, you just want to be able to say that you saw them live because the experience is
00:46:53
horrible. We used to have Day on the Green. You'd be out on the football field in the grass and stuff,
00:46:58
right? I mean, if you said you were Central Park for Simon and Garfuncle for their big show or Diana Ross in the
00:47:05
Rain, like you were there. That's all that matters. I was at that piece of history. One place that would get big acts if
00:47:11
they play more than one start was uh Universal Amphitheater. It was 6,000. I loved it. And it was amphitheater. So, I saw Neil Young there and stuff and so that was intimate enough to really get into the
00:47:25
thing. But Rose, is that like 80,000? Go ahead. Rosebell's fat. Rosebell's for football games.
00:47:31
Yeah. Uh and they've jammed them in like [ __ ] sardines. I was playing when we did this last gig. When it says amphitheater, I thought that means outside, but the universal amphitheater
00:47:43
was not outside. What does amphitheater mean? Amphitheater, I think, is just sloped
00:47:49
down. It can be outside. Traditionally, if you think about Greeks and Romans, it was an outdoor amphitheater. And there
00:47:55
aren't or outdoor amphitheaters, but I think that was an amphitheater only in that it was like a bowl. It was slanted
00:48:02
like that. Yeah, I think so. Like a round. Yeah. It was become coming from Roman days and
00:48:09
stuff where the acoustics you wanted to be as much people as possible where you can still hear the performers.
00:48:15
Yeah. You know what I mean? I have I No, I don't. I have one last question about about uh Heather might
00:48:21
look this up. the comedy festival before we go in Rihad. Is that a place? Saudi Arabia. Uh in Saudi Arabia, there's a comedy festival. Hilarious. It's funny already. Um so the comics
00:48:34
that are going are getting a little blowback because people are saying this now. There's
00:48:39
arguments you shouldn't go there for this. Obviously they're overpaying everyone. I've heard numbers. It's it's
00:48:45
[ __ ] fat and juicy on that front. But do you go because you say I'm not going to contribute or do you hear that all these companies do business with them
00:48:55
anyway, so everyone's hypocritical anyway? I don't know. What What are your thoughts? Well, yeah, you have to for a
00:49:03
purity test, you have to be pretty you have to go pretty deep because yeah, there's so many companies involved,
00:49:10
American companies involved with Saudi Arabia and their commercials come on our television, you know, it's it's not a a
00:49:16
cut and dried simple thing. Exactly. Um they are it's a little blurry and murky, if you
00:49:23
will. what the, you know, one of Trump's early days of how he would was different, you know, because they talked about the Saudi king or prince who kind of had some an
00:49:35
reporter put into a suitcase. You couldn't really fit in the suitcase except with, you know,
00:49:41
one way. Yeah. And then was that the one where they he went in the Yeah, that's the suitcase. Yeah. Saudi
00:49:48
Arabia was not the smartest. You know, Putin's much better. You put poison on elbow, you walk by guy, you go like
00:49:54
that. Nobody knows, you know, because Trump like, you think we're so good, you think we're angels, you think we never
00:50:00
take for people out, you don't think, you know, and it was very much like, what? You can't say that. So, yeah, we never know what our own people
00:50:06
are doing. I don't know. I mean, sure, I turned down 2 million for 10 minutes, but am I a higher angel? Can I look down on the
00:50:17
ones? No, I didn't. They gave me the offer was 3 million not to go and I said they go to ruin it.
00:50:26
No, the offer they did I did get an offer about this. I for me it was a couple things but I would say also the
00:50:34
Southwest flight there is too much. You have to stop. Yeah. I don't like to fly enough to go halfway around the world. I would just
00:50:39
be curious, do they pay the taxes for you? Oh, I mean is it net in I think in Dubai there are no taxes but I think if you work over there does the IRS in
00:50:52
America I don't know you maybe you have to live there to get no taxes but I know Canada
00:50:58
a lot of people bristle because it's you double dip you have to pay all these Canadian because I want to go to Toronto
00:51:05
and Vancouver and I do I will but you're going to get hit so you will definitely not make
00:51:10
it's more like let's just do it. It's fun and there's good crowds. I I I love playing Canada, but the last
00:51:17
time I played it was a long time ago because I got threatening letters to my home like I didn't pay tax and I have I
00:51:24
had accountants pay the tax. We have the same guy. I had to pay tax and I have to hire an accountant in
00:51:29
Canada and I have to pay province and I have to pay the whole country and then it's a ride off and then I pay ours
00:51:37
our US. So really that's it. But anyway, love Canada, too. And I will do it. I've
00:51:43
done it. I will. I I shall return. So, no for you on on Chop Chop Square. That's where they're holding this, which is even more common. Chop Chop Square. Chop Chop Square. I think it's just sort of like weird
00:51:56
that they would call bastardly things going on there. But it is Hookie. It's a hookie name,
00:52:02
right? Um Yeah. The If there's one silver lining, where did you get killed? Chop chop square. like,
00:52:09
"Ah, that's a good name. Should have thought of that." Yeah. I mean, they had comedians back in the Middle Ages. Hey, you going to do
00:52:14
the Itillo the Hun thing? You get like 4,000 horses and 200 dancing women. I don't know. I I I am I'm not even political. I'm just going to go. I mean, Attilla, I guess when you meet
00:52:27
him, he's kind of a nice guy, but you know, till the comedy fest. Why? All right. Well, Dana, thanks for coming on. I appreciate you
00:52:38
having me. I want to come on again. Just if you ever have a fallout, let me know. I'll come on. No, I'm serious. I enjoyed this podcast.
00:52:44
I'm not getting around here. Come on, folks. I mean, serious. I'm being serious, folks.
00:52:50
The eyes going down is so funny. What about What about It's a great 38 seconds. That's why I'm introducing the day I
00:53:01
call it now Tony's daily shot. Every time you get every every day you go to your health care provider and you get a shot. By the time you get to your car, you got no immunity, but it's a
00:53:14
beautiful 39 seconds. There you go. Better with sunglasses. Let's end on that. It is funny. All right.
00:53:26
Hey guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us a
00:53:33
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00:53:38
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00:53:45
and executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman, Mattie Sprung Kaiser, and
00:53:52
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00:53:59
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00:54:08
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00:54:21
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