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All right, we got Chelsea Handler. Chelsea Handler, old friend. Old friend of the show. I see her out and about a
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lot. Always funny. Just did the Critics's Choice Awards. We talked to her. Uh
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>> and she was of course on fire getting laughs. >> Yeah, she's a She's a pistol. She's got
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a lot of energy. She says what's on her mind. Very funny. >> Um she's
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>> never been shy. >> Never been shy. >> Yeah. >> Um >> we covered a lot. We talk about dating.
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Uh we talk about standup tours, who's filling arenas at these days. All the ins and outs of her life. Uh had a lot
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of laughs. Anytime you have a just straight up comedian on, we have a lot of laughs.
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>> Yeah, we started laughing the minute we started and it went all the way through.
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So, here she is. Chelsea Handler. >> Chelsea Handler. Hi, my two penis face buddies.
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>> I don't know what's >> I saw Chelsea recently, Dana, at a
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little backyard get together. >> Oh, remember I came over on the couch. I said hi.
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>> Uh, was it at Ted's house? >> It was at Gervitz's, our manager.
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>> Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. That was a really fun party. Apparently, I left
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that party too early. I heard it went all night long and that you got on stage and sang.
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>> No, you know what? That was the idea. There was It was going to be people
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would sing. But by the way, I got there at seven because everyone was a little older. So, I got there at 7:00 going,
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"Oh, no, no one's going to be there yet." And then people are leaving. I go,
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"Wait guys, this is I'm the old guy, but I wasn't the oldest guy there for once."
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And uh and then Dana, I don't think you went to that one, but after about nine,
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it was kind of slowing down and then I goes, "Are they going to sing?" And
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they're like, "No, they did a birthday cake." And then they go, "And then his
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daughter sang." Remember that, Chelsea? >> Yeah. Yeah. >> Lovely song. And then I said, "I guess
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that's it." And they go, "No, Eddie's not going to sing." And I go, "Oh, I
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thought we were going to all going to sing." Okay. So I leave and then about
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two hours later, >> Sandler's like, "You're up." But I'm
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like, I'm up. I'm in bed. I don't Are we doing this? >> And did you go back?
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>> No, he's too far away. It was an hour. >> Right. Exactly. There was a lull in that
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party after about two hours. And that's when a group of people left. I didn't
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know that we were supposed to stay and things were going to, you know, there was going to be an act too. So, I also I
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was we may as well have left together. David David like we've done so many nights of our lives
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>> so many times. And I liked it because the party was fun, but it felt like a
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long party and it felt like there was a cake and we weren't really bailing out.
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It was just like I thought they were trying to say scoot, you know, because there's probably 30 people left.
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>> Also, I feel like Gazentite, if that was a sneeze, Dana, I I also feel like
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>> I feel like LA is so lame. You know what I mean? Like no one is out at till 9. I
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mean, that's what time everyone goes to bed. Every party ends earlier. It's just
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there. It's almost like it's so hard to even go out because the scene is kind of
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just so subdued. So many people are sober. It's it's just not what it used
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to be. I'm going to just throw that out there. >> I was going to throw that out there to
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talk. >> Explain to me as a fellow human being why anybody >> in their right mind would go to a
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Hollywood party. >> No. >> Isn't it the most hideous? I mean, I I
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give me I like four people at your house for dinner. I'm not going to book it.
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That would be nice. Five. One conversation's happening. But the small talk uh derby, what's up with Chelsea?
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What's going on? Oh, yeah. You know, God, I don't know how you guys deal with
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it. >> Well, when it's hours of that and you keep walking to the same people all
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night, you don't know what to say the eighth time you see them. Yeah. And it's
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also like you have to question why you're at parties. Like what what's your
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motivation? Why are you why am I here? Like am I promoting anything? Like am I why am I going to an Oscar party? I'm
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not nominated for an Oscar. Why am I at the party? Like I always I'm like no,
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it's like you know, you got to show up once in a while to like refresh people's
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memories. But um I find LA to be I wish I I want to I want to have that place in
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New York. That's going to be my my goal. I think that's a little bit it's too
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unhealthy. Like I'm becoming almost elderly in this lifestyle. Whenever I'm
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here, which isn't frequently, I come back home and like last night I was supposed to go over for friends for
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dinner, which the kind of event you're describing or dinner you're describing,
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Dana, which is actually sounded really nice. But even getting in my car and and and I am in a compromised situation
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because I I just had some surgery, so you know, it's not fun. I can't drink. I
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can't really do anything. But I was going to get in my car and go over there
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and I was like, I don't think so. I don't think I would rather just sit here
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and watch mindless television and sleep as much as I can. I think I overheard one of you lesbians is saying that you
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slept for 11 hours last night. >> I did. Yeah. >> Wow. Wow. Did you masturbate to get
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yourself to sleep? >> No, but I I I woke up and I had completed the task and it was like, what
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the [ __ ] was I dreaming? >> Yeah, you can do it in your sleep. >> Oh, yeah. So, who started that? What I
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meant was the movement from in the stand-up world with women, females, whatever you prefer. And it seems to me
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that Joan Rivers made a turn where she really was more incendiary than the 60s Joan. And then there's this continuum of
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female standups just saying what they want. And I put you uh in that, you know, you're like the leader kind of in
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a way. There's younger ones coming back. I don't know. I mean, when did standup
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turn for women where squirting jokes and stuff like that could come out, you know? Who who
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>> just anything goes. >> Yeah. I don't know. I think it's like a
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rush of It's like a wave, if you will. No pun intended. A wave of squirters talking about squirting and women, you
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know, the more Listen, we're all talking about the same stuff. When you break
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down standup comedy, you're talking about your personal life, your relationships, your relationship to
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drugs and alcohol. you know, it's all the same pitter patter of idea ideas and
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it's just like how does your execution vary? So, I guess if you it's you know,
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the more women that are up talking about this, the more accepted it becomes by nature and there are more female comics
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than they've ever been, but I don't know when it started. I mean, Joan certainly
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paved the way for all of us. I can say that. Um, I didn't really realize that
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until she was dead, you know, like I I I was like, "No, I paved the way for
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myself." I had an arrogance about my own success. Like Joan Rivers wasn't
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somebody I had looked up to. And then you know when I did my homework and grew up a little bit I realized how how what
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she went through and like you know going to the comedy clubs like women didn't
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even get on stage without being like you know they would get on stage as characters like housekeepers or you know
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maids or or like you know just like >> Deler was kind of a character. >> Yeah. Right. And Joan was like being
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herself and dressing up and going to these gross comedy clubs. I mean, we all know how gross comedy clubs are. They
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are. That's where all disease begins. And I that's where the disease in my
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shoulder probably began. >> It's just it's just presenting now. Um,
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but yeah, she was a trailblazer, of course, which is an annoying word for some reason. I find that annoying. I
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don't like when people call me a trail blazer either because I'm not out there
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with, you know, blazing trails, but I I think that uh it's just good to see women succeed. It's good to see women
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being taken seriously. And it's like the idea that women aren't funny is just so
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dumb. And I know both of you know that, but like, you know, for so many men out there who really think that men that
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comedy is just a men's game, it's it's it's been so insulting for so long that
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you just kind of turn off that noise. Like, you know, when I was doing, for instance, my first talk show, Chelsea
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Lately, I didn't pay attention to any of that because it didn't I didn't go home
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at night thinking, what was it like to be the only woman in late night? Those were just comparisons that everybody
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else made. And I feel like if you spend too much time thinking about that aspect
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of it, you're it's taking away from your creative outlet anyway. You know what I
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mean? You should be creating. You should be doing your thing and not looking around to see what your your competition
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is doing. because I certainly didn't look at David Letterman and think I was
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in competition with him. You know what I mean? I wasn't. I was on the E network,
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you know. >> Um, so I that's what I think I have to say about that. >> Making making a buzz on the E network
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even though he's making he's on network, but E, you're helping E get wider and
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more looked at, which is interesting. Also, when I go to the comedy store, every you don't even blink. Every other
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comic is a female. I mean, everywhere you go, it's not even like, "Oh, you're
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not one of the comedians." You know how it used to be. You'd be like, "Wait, there's a female comic on
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the show tonight." It would be like Rita Rudder or something. When I, you know,
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Paula Poundstone and uh >> but now there's so many. So, it's great.
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I mean, listen, it's all if you got some game >> and there's they don't mention there's
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also bad male comedians. So, it's not like all the lots of them. guy ones are
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good and the females are bad. It's like if you're good, you're good. And so you
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see a nice mix. Um I've seen some on Instagram that are funny. Just pop in my
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feed. So, >> you know, I would when I was growing up, yeah, it was like the female comedian
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was referred to as they wouldn't say David Letterman the guy >> and that was more prevalent this woman
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comedian and woman woman. I I see less of that more than just comedian. And one thing that's kind of cool about you is
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you produced a show for Whitney, right? I mean, you you do a lot of producing of
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things and for other people. So, >> yeah, I did at that time. Well, yeah, Whitney's show didn't really last too
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long, but we tried. And then we produced a show for Ross Matthews. He wasn't
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really a production powerhouse at the time I was there, so it was really hard to get. We did after lately. David, you
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were on that show with us which was like a satire of Chelsea lately where I was just like in a really exaggerated
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version of you know the [ __ ] the [ __ ] that I am. But we we did we did so much
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like uh what was I what was I where was I going with this? We did so much producing Whitney.
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>> Oh yeah. It was really hard to get anything done in at E with them being
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behind anything. Like they were just trying to assuage me because we had a hit show. So they'd be like oh you want
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to produce this? Great. go ahead and then they'd be like, "Oh, it's not
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getting the numbers or whatever." But, you know, it was hard to get anything
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going on Eve. I mean, the Kardashians in my show were like, you know, and I don't
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know, Saving Sunset or whatever it's selling Sunset. Saving Sunset. >> I think that was later. You were really,
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>> you paved the way for shitty uh flip. >> Yes. Yeah. He really took a hit after I
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left and the Kardashians left. Like, and actually, I know this is probably coming
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out later, but I'm about to host the Critic's Choice Awards, which brings me
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back to Eid this next Friday night, which is a full circle. I'm going back to my birthplace.
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>> I love that show. When I first saw that show uh with you and the comedian stuff,
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it was one of the first like lowfi shows cuz cable was still coming up and stuff.
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And so it there are shows that do do that now, but you know, usually it was the band and the you know, so it was
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very cool how lowfi it was and casual. >> It was very casual. >> If you're just funny, you don't need
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much. You need a camera and then you got and then people like, "Oh, you don't
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need all this other noise." Because some of those shows there's only just this
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much comedy and there's little pieces, but those are harder what you're doing
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because it's just like, "Turn the cameras on. Let's just talk and we'll
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find things to talk about and and it just blew up." And that's why I I agree
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when you left it was a big hit on there. But also, you know, like it it was so much fun because you guys are from SNL,
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so you know about like Ensemble. But what was so much fun about that show was that the the c the casualness of it
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allowed us to like just book my friends on the round table. You know, so many comics that I didn't even know that I
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discovered on my own show whose careers have blown up like you know, Fortune Famster or Joe Koy, like Kevin Hart used
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to be on the round table, like all these people. So that and it was so unique in
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the fact that like at the time anyway because everyone's ripped off that show
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now too. I mean David you've even ripped it off but like you and I don't believe
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ideas can be ripped off so I don't care anyway. But like putting comics together
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when you know you become a comedian >> essentially to stand on a stage with a
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microphone alone like it's the most probably narcissistic you can be. And so
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to put to have comics to have four comedians on a round table at the same time sharing space and actually having
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to listen to each other and riff off of each other was a joy and also kind of unexpected because you don't see
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comedians interacting that much. >> No. Carson would in the early days he'd
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have people stay out there. So you might see Bob Hope and Don Rickles get in a fight or something, you know, but that
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went away and it was one guest one out and then highly highly organized with an outline of what you're supposed to get
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to in the commercial breaks. And so since your thing was I hate this one of my least favorite words was just
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authentic that when the comedians were riffing, you knew it was happening real time. There wasn't a rehearsal. It's not
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a set up. It's just pingpong which made it really pop. So I see why it went on.
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>> You can also do when I was doing David lately um which was not a ripoff when I
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was doing >> David Davey lately they um >> the part of the fun hosting is kind of
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hard but if you're dishing off you're not doing all the lifting anymore. So
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you give someone a subject and now you're just tagging what they say on their jokes and then someone else jumps
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in. Now you're like, "Oh [ __ ] these if you get good people in there that can
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just [ __ ] like that, then people just like to see like they're at dinner and just you're just bullshitting
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basically." >> Yeah. And that's what's you know, you hang out with comics all the time. Like
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the best things that happen are never being filmed. So you're like, "Oh,
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wouldn't it be great if we could film these conversations?" Which is essentially what that show became,
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>> right? The green room basically, you know, bring it out bring it out front.
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So, what um I guess we should mention before we get showing away is you have a you have a book, right, coming out.
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>> I have a book a book is called I'll Have What She's Having. That comes out
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February 25th on my 50th birthday. And then my special is called The Feeling and that comes out on Netflix on March
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25th, which is a month after my birthday. So, I don't know when this airs, but you can just piece it together
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however you'd like. >> We'll Yeah. So, The Feeling is Netflix. So which
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because I remember I came to see is it possible I came to see you at Caesar's
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Palace once years and years and years ago. Did you ever play Caesar? >> Yeah, I do. I actually Yes, I used to
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play Caesar's Palace. Now I do a residency at Vegas where I perform once a month which is how much time I'm
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willing to spend in Vegas. I perform once a month at the Cosmopolitan at the Chelsea Theater. So I I perform inside
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myself. But I was at Caesars's many years ago, >> years and years. Cuz I think it was
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during maybe your show and I think Brad Wallock, those guys were there. I think I think I think uh how many specials
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have you done? Which one is this? >> I don't know actually. Four. Four or
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five. Four or five. Probably five. >> How did this one feel? Because I think
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it's very hard. I did a couple. They suck because I just I when you know you
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have one there was a technical issue and you have one shot and you've kind of
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worked on this stuff in little clubs and now you're in a barn with 1,400 seats
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and three balconies. >> So how did this one feel? Like your experience of the other ones what you
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want to land is like a feeling basically of how you're authentically your best
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self on stage, right? Not shooting a special in a >> Well, you're Well, no. I think you do
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treat it like you're shooting a special, but you're supposed to not You're
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supposed to shoot two in a in a row. Da d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d uh D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D
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D Dana, sorry, David. I'm too I'm too weak and old to do two in a row. >> Well, I mean, I guess so because that's
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how you don't screw it up. If you don't get what you want in the first set, then
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you know to get it in the second set. >> So, um, somebody should have definitely
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told you that. >> No, it's it's all >> or you can do two shows in two nights.
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More expensive, but you can do >> Yes. Right. Of course you could do that.
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>> Okay. Then topic-wise or material-wise, is there is there something that is a
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little surprising for your fans? This is just me asking off the top of my head. Like are you stretching the envelope
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further in terms of honesty because it's sort of your brand of like >> Oh, I'm always honest. I'm always, you
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know, >> you're even more honest. >> Well, yeah. I mean, these are some
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personal stories. I have some I have a really great Andrew Cuomo story in this special. a personal Andrew Cuomo story
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because I was trying to get penetrated by him during the pandemic. >> I remember that trending that you were
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gonna try to [ __ ] Andrew. >> I remember I was hoping it was going to be a live stream.
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>> I know. I wanted to to also live stream it and I wanted to do it for my country
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because he just fel felt so um like we had leadership in a time where we were so dehydrated for it. But I have a
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really good story in there about that. I have a great George W. Bush story going
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to Kenny Bunkport compound like on 40 milligrams of THC and having to interact with the president on a pickle ball
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court, the former president, >> right? >> So there's a little um there's a lot of
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sharing. The feeling is actually a reference to something I did as a child to like at the jungle gym at school to
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get a certain feeling around my Pikachu area that a lot of nine-year-old girls did.
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>> And so that's a reference to that. I take you from my youth into my adulthood
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and kind of telegraph the fact that I've always been this way. But yes, the special felt great. You know, I'm at a
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point where I've done this for so long. I'm very capable and confident in what
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I'm doing. I don't have um I don't I'm not worried, you know, about it. I I I
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I'm like you get to a certain point, I think, in your career as I hopefully the
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two of you can also attest. You know what you're you got you're still here
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because you got yourself this far. So, like you know what you're doing. You don't have to be in your head about it
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anymore. At a certain point, you realize that's just such a wasted energy and
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that you're successful because of you. So, just keep doing you. >> No, I agree. I I just I'm a little I
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have a self-critical side of my brain and I have if I do stand up in a club one night from the other can be
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completely different if I get into a character or some idea. I like I like it to be kind of riffing part material
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riffing. >> Right. >> But very hard with like 19 cameras. I don't know why they need that many. Um
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and then I get locked into doing my outline like okay I've got to get to this next bit. But if I was live, I go,
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"Oh, I'm gonna go over here and do Anthony Fouchy for 10 minutes." So,
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>> Oh, yeah. Yeah. You can't do that during a special riffing. It would be very
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difficult to capture because you don't know, right? >> Unless you did 10 nights, unless you did
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a lowfi crew and did 10 nights. But, um, so >> or crowd work, that's tough on the
00:20:00
special. >> Well, yeah. One thing I was just curious about your take on this hot take that
00:20:05
this era of Netflix special and comedians playing stadiums and arenas and multiple nights of Madison Square
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Garden. I don't know exactly when it started, but it's a phenomena. And I
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don't know if one of our great female comics, sorry to put it in that box, has
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made that leap >> to arenas or Madison Square Garden or or has someone done that because that
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>> Yeah, Amy. Well, I played Madison Square Garden, but not the I think I did the
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theater at Madison Square Garden. I've definitely done Radio City for multiple
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nights. Amy Schumer played Madison Garden, I believe. 20,000 18,000. Yeah, it's a big one.
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>> I mean that's going to happen. I mean I Amy did arenas. I did an arena tour, you
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know, at some point in my career. I don't do arenas now. I do like usually three to 4,000 seaters, but like I mean
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it I think it's going to happen. You know, there's so many people coming up.
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Taylor Tomlinson, you know, she sells tons of tickets. Atscu um I mean there's a ton. So yeah, I
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think it's also a choice. You know, some comics don't want to move to that level.
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like it's there's a there's a level of intimacy. >> I remember dating Joe Koy and Joe Koy
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does um arenas >> and I would go and do guest sets at his shows and I'd be like this is too many
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people like how can you I I have so many facial expressions and like subtleties I
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how can that be captured in such a big stadium or arena and I remember getting off stage being like oh easily. So, like
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you kind of have this attitude like, "Oh, I gotta keep it intimate." But then
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when you're exposed to that kind of audience, you're like, "Whoa, this is
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[ __ ] awesome." >> It's okay. Yeah, you need screens, I would say.
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>> Yeah, there's always large screens. >> Okay, that works. Yeah,
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>> a lot of my jokes are very small. They're not even jokes. Actually, it's
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not funny. None of my stuff is funny. And so, it's harder to play any room. >> That is difficult for for you, David, as
00:21:58
a comedian to not have funny material andor be funny yourself. It's a deficit.
00:22:04
You do. so well under with all that um those those problems of not being funny and not having funny material. I've been
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sometimes I do actually not on my own but when I play the bigger rooms with uh Adam or something same thing it's it's
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harder because you see guys like in the in the hallways where you like it's like
00:22:22
at a concert where you see those guys there's guys selling beer over here there's always someone talking there's
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always people drifting off not everyone's ever focused at once but if they're locked into you like if it's
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your crowd >> I see I always say Nate Batsi his crowd he plays big places and they're just
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waiting for like throwaway jokes setup jokes They're laughing at setups and they're just like so intently listening.
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I go, "That's the dream." Just get people like waiting for every [ __ ]
00:22:47
thing you say instead of the big swings. You're like, "Yeah, but daboo." You
00:22:52
know, you got to really Sometimes to get everybody at once, you go bigger. I don't know.
00:22:58
>> Yeah. No, I don't think you do now, David. I don't think you do.
00:23:01
>> I don't even know what's going on right now. >> So, what you're a busy uh human being.
00:23:06
>> Entrepreneur. I'd like the word entrepreneur even though I have no I have no business.
00:23:12
>> We have a correction. >> I have five books now. Books do really well.
00:23:16
>> Why should people go buy this book? I'll do a good great question. >> Um I you know what? If you're into me
00:23:23
and you're into my stories and you're into my humor, go buy the book. If
00:23:26
you're not, skip it. Like uh this is my seventh book I t and my fifth or fourth
00:23:33
stand of special to be determined. We still haven't figured that out. And um I
00:23:37
don't know. I'm I'm uh I like to be I like to hustle, you know what I mean? I
00:23:42
like to do my own thing and I don't really like direction from uh people. >> So, as long as I
00:23:48
>> You are an entrepreneur. You're in charge of your career. You're not a
00:23:51
you're not someone for hire. You do the hiring. >> Right. Right. Like I don't like to be I
00:23:56
I have been hired for jobs. But, you know, historically I work best when I'm
00:24:00
my own boss. So, I do my podcasts, I do my specials, I do my books, I do my like, you know, TV stuff, but I try not
00:24:07
to have a long-term position where anyone is giving me notes on anything. >> I would say the only time I've really
00:24:13
not enjoyed show business and when I was working with people with different sensibilities and they had power over
00:24:18
me. >> Yeah, >> that's the worst feeling. >> Um, you know, they're offering Oh, I
00:24:23
just want some advice for a sec. Like, they're they're asking me, can I write a
00:24:26
book? just you don't have to answer this in long form, but what's your advice
00:24:32
someone writing a book? I mean, did you talk to a tape recorder? Did you have a a writer's assist then? Do you just
00:24:38
start throwing stuff at the wall or how how do you do it? >> Didn't you you have a book, Dana? I
00:24:43
think I have your book, don't you? >> I don't think. >> No, I didn't.
00:24:48
>> Oh, maybe I'm thinking of your book, David. >> My book would be too dark. I mean, no
00:24:51
one would believe it as the problem, you know, because I I, you know, don't have
00:24:56
that image. But yeah. >> Yeah. Well, >> I think it's pretty. I mean, listen, I
00:25:00
think as long as you're honest for me, I just think honesty is a commodity. There's a lack of it. People are a
00:25:06
little bit scared of honesty and like conflict and uncomfortable things. So, I like to like kind of go like
00:25:14
>> head first into that stuff. And that's works for me. And it's like whatever
00:25:18
your point of view is, I think anyone can write a [ __ ] book, especially like in our industry, everybody does. So
00:25:26
that should be your first, you know, barometer that you you can do it. And your stories, the reason why they're
00:25:32
yours is because they're not believable. Like everyone's stories, you could say
00:25:35
that about. So I would say I don't use a No, I don't use a writer's assistant.
00:25:39
When I write my books, I do it all by myself and I just start writing. I sit down.
00:25:44
>> Yeah. I type everything on a computer >> and then I have an editor look at it and
00:25:48
then when it's like shaped and it's in some sort of form, I'll start sharing it
00:25:53
with people. But usually I don't I don't like too much feedback. Like I have like
00:25:57
three or four people whose opinions I respect and then based on on that I'll
00:26:01
be like okay like I'll go to them from the cover or the title or um you know
00:26:06
like my editor named this book. I'll have what she's having. I was like I'm
00:26:09
not naming a book. I'll have what she's having about myself. That's so stupid.
00:26:13
And she's like no that's how you feel after reading the book. I'm telling you
00:26:16
you want what you're having. And I was like okay. And then I had to think about
00:26:20
it because usually I was like that's a little but then I was like yeah you're
00:26:24
right I want people that's what I want to inject people with. It's like a
00:26:27
little bit of optimism and in in sad dark times. >> What about when Harry met Sally where
00:26:33
she says I'll have what she's having. Was there any conversation of maybe not
00:26:37
referring to a famous romantic >> that's part of the famous >> No that's part of the reference. Yeah.
00:26:43
So this is what you have to learn about books. It's kind of like you know we
00:26:48
have a lot to learn. Dava. Dava. >> Yeah. Yeah. We're we're that we're that
00:26:52
tight. We we go by one name, Dava. But, uh, thank you. The only thing I'd be
00:26:57
interested for you is like you're very honest, >> but then you'll get to a chapter or a
00:27:02
point or a story where you you're going to hurt somebody maybe um, and you like
00:27:09
them or you don't like them. Do how do you navigate that or you just, >> you know, do you just navigate that a
00:27:17
little bit? It's a judgment call. Should I bury this person at the party where
00:27:20
they were drunk or keep it in? Stuff like that. >> Well, you have to legally shroud
00:27:26
people's identity unless they're a public figure. So, like if I have my story about Andrew Cuomo, which happens
00:27:30
to be in my standup special and in my book, there's a crossover. It's two kind
00:27:36
of different like there's way more room for detail and everything in the book,
00:27:39
but he's a public figure. So I tell like one version of that story in the book
00:27:44
and I tell I mean it's the same version but you know different storytelling styles for standup for books
00:27:49
>> but like for him I don't have to ask permission because everything I'm
00:27:52
telling is true for a friend of mine that I'm writing about who I >> like who isn't a public figure that I'm
00:28:00
saying something embarrassing or bad about like I have to shroud her identity so that no one will read it and
00:28:07
recognize who you're talking about. So sometimes it's like I I'll make up a
00:28:11
character. I'll make a guy a girl or make a you know you make them a different age, a different part of the
00:28:16
world they live in and blah blah blah just to kind of shroud their identity. But that's what you have to do when you
00:28:21
write books. Also, >> I've gotten all I need today. Thank you. >> I have a question.
00:28:26
>> This is your motivational This is your motivational talk for you guys this
00:28:29
morning for both of you. Dava, >> I have a question about your um you don't like bosses at work, but do you
00:28:37
like when you date someone, do you like to be bossed around? >> A boss in the bedroom? I mean, I would I
00:28:43
like being sexually bossed around. I mean, no one's really going to boss me around because that's just not going to
00:28:48
happen. You know what I mean? I don't have time for that. But I do like sexually when somebody kind of tosses me
00:28:53
around and tells me to shut up or like pushes my head down, you know, like playful sex. I like that.
00:29:00
>> Into the wall. >> Did Joe Koy do that? >> Um, probably when I asked him to. You
00:29:07
know, you got to kind of tell guys luckily these days that you want that and that you want to get like, you know,
00:29:13
so yeah, I'm sure Joe Koy was a little bit, you know, trying to throw me around. I'm sure
00:29:20
Yeah. You go, "Hey, Joe Koy." >> During sex all the time, I would go, "Oh
00:29:24
my god, Joe Koy. Joy. Oh my god, Joe Koy. Are you in? What's happening? >> I've never heard anyone just call him
00:29:31
Joe. I think it's always Joe. >> I didn't know that he didn't know how to
00:29:35
spell Joe Koy. I thought Joe Koi. I thought J O K O Y was like his birth name and his name is actually Joe and
00:29:46
then Koi is a madeup name. So, and then he combined Joe Koi. Joe Koy. >> So, I don't know.
00:29:52
>> It worked. Yeah. >> Yeah. So that was actually difficult when I was writing the book because
00:29:56
there's a chapter about I talk about my relationship with Joe Koy and I I I'm a
00:30:01
real big on spelling and grammar like I find it to be a turn on when also people
00:30:07
pay attention to spelling and grammar >> and so >> I he spells his name J O K O Y and I had
00:30:14
to spell it J O E and then K O Y and a space. I did. I couldn't spell it that
00:30:20
way that he wants people to spell it just out of respect for myself. >> It's not an actual
00:30:28
name in the English language. Joate with a female. >> Well, that's right. Women are who are
00:30:34
named Joe. It's J. And he's spelling his name like a woman. So, I had to respect
00:30:40
him because I know he doesn't present. He doesn't identify as a woman. So, I
00:30:44
wanted to spell his name correctly just by chance he might see it and learn how to spell his own name.
00:30:50
>> Yeah. >> Well, Joe, yeah, it has it's whimsical a little bit, you know. I don't know. Joe,
00:30:57
you know, Joe's like a Joe guy, you know. Joe Joe, artistic >> Joe. I wouldn't do it just because it's
00:31:05
a female name. Like I would change. Maybe he doesn't maybe didn't know that.
00:31:09
>> Joe from Little Women you're talking. >> Yeah. There's not that many musician
00:31:14
like you. Who's the better standup on their best night? You or Joe Koy. >> Oh, I would Well, Joe's a great standup.
00:31:20
I would never say that I'm a better He's great. I mean, he is very good at what
00:31:25
he does. So, >> it would help if you said you were better. >> I would never say that about any comic.
00:31:31
I don't need to say that. >> He's powerful. Definitely. He's physical. Uh he does a lot of uh voices
00:31:38
of other >> Yes. people around >> different comics. She'll say that that's
00:31:44
>> best completely opposite ends of the spectrum. Exactly. It would like it be
00:31:48
like comparing an apple to a pineapple >> to a type Thank you. Yeah. >> to a typewriter to
00:31:57
to a Dyson. It would like be comparing a a clean air what is this called? An air
00:32:02
doctor. We all have to get air doctors right after the fires. It would be like comparing an apple to an air doctor. I
00:32:09
think uh >> it would be like comparing a frontal to the lunar module. >> Yeah.
00:32:14
>> Yes, that's right. >> David, >> it would be like Oh. Um I don't have any
00:32:20
good ones of that, but I was saying that maybe Chelsea, >> the chemistry between the two of you is
00:32:25
palpable. >> We >> and I think the chemistry between the three of us is very intriguing as well.
00:32:32
>> So pal palpable is good. >> Palpable is Yeah. something you can almost you can feel it and you can touch
00:32:39
it almost. >> When you date a guy, do you feel like you're a little intimidating or guys
00:32:45
scared to ask you out? Do you think? >> Yeah, I think men are very disturbed by
00:32:49
me. Yes, I think that they is not what I said. >> I think they find me off-putting and um
00:32:55
some men really love me and that's nice. But I think as men in general, straight
00:33:00
guys above a certain age are a little bit put off by me. I'm not trying to be
00:33:05
intimidating or to turn people off. I just have that essence about myself and >> you don't seem like you're out trying to
00:33:12
turn them on either. You're not like thirstily going after guys. You're just
00:33:15
doing >> When was the last time you had sex? >> Oh, uh, just a few weeks ago. I have a I
00:33:22
have a mountain I have a mountain lover. I have a I have a mountain man that I have sex with in my mountain house in
00:33:28
Whistler, Canada, where I ski. So, right now I'm in LA and usually in the winter
00:33:34
time I have sex with a mountain man. >> And does the mountain man have a big
00:33:38
burly beard and really husky? What is it? >> What are you getting at? >> Yeah,
00:33:43
>> he he has a big He has a beard. It's not burly like what you're envisioning, but
00:33:47
he has a beard. He definitely looks like he's from the mountain. >> You know what I mean?
00:33:51
>> Is it Burke Chryser? >> It is not Bert Chryser. No. No. He has never been on top of me inside of me. I
00:33:58
don't think he's been on top of anyone except for his own wife. So, that's
00:34:00
probably for the best. >> That's sweet. >> Yeah, >> that is We're gonna spin that sweet.
00:34:06
>> Well, you have a mountain man in a cabin. You've got a bestselling book
00:34:09
about to happen. >> Dial it in. >> You got a You got a special. I mean,
00:34:13
what don't you have right now? >> A baby. I don't have a baby. Thank God.
00:34:18
So, that's there's that, you know. Okay. >> I think about all the things that I
00:34:21
don't have that I'm grateful that I don't have, like a husband. I never
00:34:24
wanted to be married. I just find that idea. I can't believe you've never
00:34:28
gotten married. David, did you get married one time? >> I don't think so.
00:34:32
>> Good for you. Like, for making that decision, Dana, what about you? Have you
00:34:35
been married? >> It's hard to make that decision to be honest. Weird. Born to be married. I've
00:34:39
been married for 42 years. >> Oh, wow. Congrats on that. That's nice. >> I guess so.
00:34:45
>> That's why Dana and I have all the sexual tension between us. >> I just had a really weird childhood. And
00:34:50
I just uh I would get the walls would close in on me over time uh if I was just alone too too much, you know. So,
00:34:59
>> right. Right. >> If you when you when you've had a great boyfriend and he's not you're not
00:35:04
married to him and you're watching TV and you're having fun and you have your
00:35:07
separate career in life, that's fun, right? Because it's you get to share
00:35:11
stuff. It's fun, right? >> You don't have to get married though. Marriage is
00:35:15
>> No. Yeah. >> No, I'm with David. And I mean, David and I probably have some similar um
00:35:20
dating habits. I like just to have an open field and even if I am dating someone, it's it's very clear like this
00:35:27
is not, you know, this is nice and everything, but there's not going to be any sort of long-term commitment made
00:35:32
ever. And that's not the way I roll. >> I don't think I've ever had that
00:35:37
conversation or guys that look like me. >> Bill Maher always says to me, "Everyone
00:35:44
wants me to get married." I go, "No one wants you to get married. You don't
00:35:47
cares. We don't I married people don't think that you've all got to be married.
00:35:51
So um >> especially Bill Maher like who's worried about Bill Maher getting married? Who?
00:35:56
Who? No one. >> He says he says >> exactly. >> Dude, I go to Chelsea at things just to
00:36:04
go laugh because she's always going to say something snipy and funny about somebody. It's [ __ ] always funny. Um
00:36:11
you're always good to uh I think I've even been to your house. I don't know if
00:36:14
it's that house. >> No, this is a new house. You know whose house I [ __ ] bought? RFK. RFK Jr.'s
00:36:20
house is the house and he and Cheryl Hines. I bought this house. I didn't know that they owned the house when I
00:36:25
bought it, which would have been a huge >> take out the weight room. >> Why do you I mean I have an I have had
00:36:31
an infection ever since I moved into this house and I believe it's from him.
00:36:34
>> He's supposed to be health guy and he got in from his >> Look at this is from Look at this
00:36:40
bruise. It's from my IV. I have to have a daily introvenous. Yeah. like from a
00:36:45
rough obsession with mountain man >> with Joe right now. Yeah. >> Congratulations. Me too.
00:36:58
I did a benefit for the cardiovascular whatever and I think Ryan Street Crest was on it but it was a horrible
00:37:06
environment and I went out there and it was pulling a tractor and I bombed and I
00:37:11
came outside and I think you might have been smoking a cigarette. I don't even
00:37:14
know if you smoke but you seem like incredibly cool and confident and you sort of you sort of went how many of
00:37:20
these do you do? like you basically in my mind you were saying to me why would you do this you know and I had the
00:37:28
disease to please and say yes and so that's how I remember you and I thought
00:37:32
you were very cool. >> Oh well that's cute. >> Yeah I'm just cute.
00:37:36
>> Yeah. Chelsea part of her her attraction is she's >> she's not very pretty but she's very
00:37:41
like kind of a tough chick that you have to you everyone feels like they have to
00:37:45
win over because she's not easily like >> she doesn't she we're referring to you
00:37:49
now Ch. She doesn't suffer fools. She doesn't suffer fools. I would not say
00:37:55
>> you got to throw something at her that's decent because she's not going to she's
00:37:57
going to see right now. >> There's a hurt little girl in there somewhere and a vulnerable person behind
00:38:02
that Dennis. >> There's a gooey sentimental >> um cries real softy.
00:38:11
>> I think everyone has >> By the way, I like that she's texting
00:38:13
during this. Anyway, we're giving you all these compliments and you're like,
00:38:15
>> I'm just texting the I'm texting the police. You're going you're going Can we
00:38:19
wrap this up? I have two question is going to be on the podcast. >> I have to say here's two names for your
00:38:26
next specials. Ready? >> Okay. >> Okay. >> One is more honest. That's not bad.
00:38:33
>> Oh, that's not bad. I like that actually. More honest. >> You're always because you're always
00:38:38
honest. But you have another special. You're like, >> I've got one.
00:38:41
>> Okay. >> I've got the balls. >> Okay. >> Okay. And here's one more. Those are two
00:38:47
suggestions and one of them I like >> I don't have a baby. Thank god. >> That's right.
00:38:54
>> That's not a bad one cuz people are like, "Oh, I want to hear what that's
00:38:56
shit's all about." You can never >> I feel like >> Yeah, I feel like I've said that so many
00:39:00
times that I like more honest though. That's a good one. I'm actually going to
00:39:04
put that in my notes section. David, >> two words. Yeah, >> three two words, three syllables.
00:39:11
>> Mine was intentionally going for the worst title ever, so his is actually
00:39:15
good. thinking of how about just Chelsea with an exclamation point. >> How about Oh, she's already done that.
00:39:26
Oh, she's already done that. >> I've done it. Everything is named on
00:39:29
that name. >> I've used that name up. I need a new [ __ ] name. >> You know what's funny? Whitney and
00:39:35
Chelsea, like there's Eliza. A lot of the female comics, you know them by one
00:39:40
name. You don't know me by date. You know what I mean? >> You all you everyone knows you by spade.
00:39:46
Everyone goes by, you guys go by last names. Well, some of the girls go by last Yeah, it's true.
00:39:52
>> Sandler, Rock, Spade. We even call each other that. >> Yeah. Yeah, you do. That's right.
00:39:59
>> Speaking of Hollywood parties, are you going to um GIO series house tomorrow
00:40:03
night, David? >> Oh, I'm not because I have a [ __ ] casino gig. >> Oh, dear.
00:40:09
>> Well, I would love it. That's fun. I would like to see you there. >> I know. I was just going to see if you
00:40:13
wanted to go with me on my plus as my my plus one. But you're I can't believe I
00:40:18
or as your you know if you were going but um >> well those are fun because he never says
00:40:24
who's going and I never ask. I just go I'll just go and see what's going on.
00:40:27
But I I were shoot I'm shooting this independent right now film and this is my first day off in a while and I
00:40:35
definitely wanted to do this with you because we it's been hard to sort of organize but then tomorrow I have to go
00:40:41
do a m a show I had booked before I did this so I am going to miss it. I would like to do that. It's a fun night.
00:40:47
>> Well, I hope you have a great time at your casino gig. What what what city is
00:40:52
that in? >> No one knows. It's um >> Exactly. You go. >> Casinos are pretty tricky.
00:40:58
>> They're fun though. And when you get there, they're not bad. Is it with
00:41:01
Nikki? >> With Nikki Glazer. No. >> Mhm. No. >> No. We do a Vegas thing sort of like
00:41:06
Chelsea sometimes. And um those are fun too. At least Vegas you can stay up late. Chelsea.
00:41:12
>> Yeah. I like to gamble. I like to play with like lots of money and gamble. I So
00:41:16
I I do my show. Usually I have a bunch of friends or family or whomever. Like they come and they get a block of rooms,
00:41:22
you know, we hook them up. They come out, fly out with me and then we gamble and I, you know, I love gambling. I love
00:41:29
blackjack. I love supplying everyone with money to gamble for people who don't have money to throw around and I
00:41:36
always start with a certain number and I always leave and I always always walk out with more money. Like I am so lucky
00:41:43
with gambling and I have made that casino I believe luckier. >> What What do you play? Blackjack. What
00:41:49
are you playing? >> Yeah, Miracle Ear. I just [ __ ] said it. a blackout. >> I know. Well, I I have a fever.
00:41:56
>> I'm on antibiotics. >> I'm also on antibiotics with a fever.
00:42:00
Just FYI, okay? So, stop your complaining. >> I apologize. I'm perfect.
00:42:03
>> You're on antibiotics? >> Yeah. Intravenous. Look at this, you
00:42:07
guys. I have a pickline in my arm. [ __ ] >> I have like a massive infection.
00:42:12
>> Amy Winehouse. >> I know. I know. It's embarrassing. I'm like falling apart at the seams. But, I
00:42:19
mean, I'll be okay. Just like you'll be okay Dana Carvey once you get >> Carvey the whole name.
00:42:24
>> Listen Miz Handler. >> I have a question. >> You'll be okay. Miz Handler is the
00:42:31
toughest one. >> Chelsea Handler. That's the special. >> That's what George Bush called me when
00:42:36
we met at his Kenny Bunk board. He kept calling me Miz Handler. Like to really annunciate the like for my to represent
00:42:44
my like loose lifestyle. Miz handler. like this this unmarried Helian guy w >> harlot. Yeah,
00:42:54
>> he makes Jezebel laugh. >> Yeah. Well, you would know, Dana. I mean, you played him for so many years.
00:42:59
That's your guy. >> I'm talking You mean Bush Senior? >> Oh, right. Didn't you play him, too? No,
00:43:05
I'm talking about Bush Jr. >> You play Junior just in my standup, but Will Frell did him on SNL, but I played
00:43:11
him. Everybody does W. He's a funny funny character. My podcast is called Dear Chelsea.
00:43:22
People call in for real life advice. And it's >> Yeah. So it's not like anything you guys
00:43:27
would ever listen to. >> You take phone calls from fans and >> from real people. No, not fans. People
00:43:34
who have [ __ ] problems and they call in and I consider myself like a medical doctor. Yeah. I'm I'm pretty smart about
00:43:41
giving advice to people. I'm really good at it and I'm really a good like
00:43:45
motivator. like go get your [ __ ] together and get, you know, make a good life decision. So yeah, I I have a
00:43:50
podcast called Dear Chelsea and I'm really excited actually, guys, to be spending this. It feels like a Saturday
00:43:56
morning today, doesn't it? It's Friday, but it feels like a Saturday morning.
00:43:59
>> I swear I thought it was Saturday. >> This is the earliest we've done one. I
00:44:03
don't think we've ever in history gone earlier. >> Y Okay. Well, maybe that I get up early,
00:44:09
so I like this. >> So do So do I. I always get up early wherever I am in the world. They said,
00:44:13
"You have to be at the Beverly Center at 10, so we'll let you go." I guess you
00:44:17
>> Beverly Center. I [ __ ] hope not. My god. >> That's what they told us. They go,
00:44:21
>> "I [ __ ] hate malls." I grew up in New Jersey, as you know, Livingston, New
00:44:25
Jersey, which you mentioned previously, and I have had my run and fill of shopping malls. So, please don't mention
00:44:32
any shopping mall to me again because I'm I'm wrapped. >> Well, where are you going to go to Lady
00:44:36
Foot Locker? They just have them on the street. Well, don't you love food court?
00:44:40
>> Don't you love a good food court, though? >> You mean Sabarro? Yes, I do. A&W.
00:44:46
>> Panda Express. >> A&W. Now, now we're talking. Finally. >> No. Panda Express. I do not like Panda
00:44:51
Express. I would like to put that out there on the record. >> Put it out there for future dates.
00:44:56
Spade's going to get a Wendy's hamburger at some point today. >> I do still eat that once in a while.
00:45:02
Yeah. >> Yeah. I I used to like Wendy's chicken nuggets, but you know those that's not
00:45:07
chicken. And I had to come to terms with that. Even though they're like my favorite [ __ ] snack, I just had to
00:45:13
eventually just be like, "What >> am I putting in my body?" You know, I
00:45:17
put so many chemicals in it already. Does it really need these chicken nuggets to put me over the top?
00:45:22
>> Yeah. >> Yeah. Yeah. That doesn't appear. >> Chelsea, I think we'll let you go. You
00:45:27
did a great job. And uh I just want to say lastly, you did use the word ass. Is that what you said earlier?
00:45:32
>> Assuge. As great. I wrote it down. Good job. I learned I learned >> I think you learned a few words today
00:45:40
quite frankly. >> By the way, when I text, I gota if I ever text you, I have to be less like yo
00:45:45
yo yo cuz I talk like a rapper. So I have to probably I'll do all the spelling stuff for you.
00:45:50
>> Okay. Well, don't worry. I don't think anyone's confusing you with a rapper.
00:45:54
>> Make sure you change that wrap after we hang up asap. >> Yeah, change your wrap on your arm.
00:46:00
>> Oh yeah, Chelsea, let's get you choppered out of there. Things aren't
00:46:03
going well. >> Yeah, it does. It's been like this, you guys. I'm I'm This is my life for the
00:46:09
next week, so it's okay. Don't worry. >> You're perfectly charming on here. Thank
00:46:14
you for doing it. >> Thank you. Nice hanging out. And uh I don't know who said this to me, but
00:46:18
we'll see you around campus, which mean >> Okay, great. >> Hey guys, if you're loving this podcast,
00:46:28
which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us a review, fivestar rating, and maybe even
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00:46:39
YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now. >> Fly on the Walls presented by Odyssey,
00:46:45
an executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman, Mattie Sprung Kaiser, and Leah
00:46:52
Reese Dennis of Odyssey. Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman, and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweet
00:46:59
Tech. Booking by Cultivated Entertainment. Special thanks to Patrick Fogerty, Evan Cox, Mora Curran, Melissa
00:47:08
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00:47:17
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00:47:24
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