00:00:00
okay Dana this uh this show we've got Pete Holmes who's a buddy of mine that I see at Largo mostly a very funny comedian
a funny funny man
very tall guy
00:00:11
with good hair which obviously infuriates me
and
incredible hair incredible hair we hair for about 30
00:00:18
minutes and uh I I think you've worked with Pete also
uh I ran into Pete when I was first
00:00:26
moved back down to LA remember I used to start going to out to dinner with you all the time during that during that
00:00:32
period of time I ran into him at Conan's and
he seemed really affable he he is a
00:00:38
really large person but doesn't but he's a gentle person so he doesn't you know but anyway so I went on his podcast and
00:00:44
we talked about that and I did largo with him and we did improv and stuff but I hadn't seen him in a long time
uh he
00:00:54
nice generous person yes go ahead
yeah I'm sorry we get into Jud But he's tight with Jud he did a show called Crashing
00:01:00
on HBO
uh the story that he to get to that was very very interesting to me and working with different people and doing different shows and he has a podcast and he's just got a lot of he also is a bit
00:01:14
religious and we we got into a slightly deep conversation all of us which
we did you know we can use now and then on this
00:01:21
show
we got a little philosophical about the universe so forth and so on but someone who's uh really raised in a
00:01:27
fundamentalist Christian environment and then goes out into the crazy world of standup comedy and it and it's
00:01:33
potentially polluted by minds like David Spade i'm just pollution that's all I am is brain pollution noise pollution
00:01:44
everything i talk too much so we'll give it to you right now uh here is Pete uh you don't need to know anything else here he is
00:01:56
are you on the road
i am on the road
i can tell i look at that hotel
i am certain of this more than I'm certain of anything i said it's not great cuz I'm on the road and they said it's the only
00:02:09
date they had and I know saying that to both of you you're going to both be like we could have done it another time i
00:02:15
know it
no I just said make it as difficult for Pete as possible i just sent a memo eight months ago it said homes in June i looked at it today
00:02:26
homes in June so here we are it's all set
yeah i wanted cuz summer's starting we wanted a happy guest but you you look fine i mean yeah he looks good he looks You actually look good for a hotel room
00:02:40
yeah I did i got the makeup mirror here i tilted a lamp
and I paid for the premium internet boys
oh you know what i've done that i don't like it but I've done it
i paid i was like wait I got fly
00:02:53
i'm very excited to be on the show and to see both of you and I paid for that premium that's how you know I'm not just
00:02:59
saying it
no I'll Venmo you i'll
You're sincere [Laughter] i think it might be time to become an a Hilton Honors member and just get it where you get the immediate
I think I
00:03:11
might splurge yeah and go full Hilton Honors look at
his [ __ ] hair pete has [ __ ] hair and he's hiding in a hat he
00:03:16
doesn't He doesn't even know what he has god damn you can't make it look thin [ __ ] looks like Roger Rabbit can't
00:03:25
you guys both have fabulous hair i just don't
That's what we were getting at thank you
00:03:31
just in a forward angle like this it Look at that hair
this [ __ ] makes me mad every time I talk to him he's seven feet tall which I hate then he's got cool hair
he's six He's 66 don't
00:03:45
make him into a giant are you really 66 uh I am 6'5 and a half but that's not funny to say
over 62 my friendship goes down about 40% cuz I don't want to be around
line them up for me okay kevin
00:03:58
Nean Conan O'Brien Pete Holmes uh
Kirk Fox is tall
the magician uh Pen pen Labyrinth
pen
i'm I'm as tall as Conan's hair like Conan's pompador
oh he
00:04:18
has a couple
what a cheater
and we're Yeah we're lined up but I'm lined up to his hair so he's probably like 6'3" I
00:04:25
guess and 3 in of orange
of orange just fuzz when I go on dates I say "Wear ballet shoes." That's a prerequisite for girls and then I say "Flatten your hair with oil as flat as it goes you don't
00:04:39
get one quarter inch higher."
Mhm
like that very very much
yeah they get that ahead of time do you what i I I told you
00:04:46
Spade that I really like the movie The Wrong Misty i think Lauren Lapis is amazing and I really thought that movie was a lot of fun
and then that line she
00:04:54
accuses you of wearing a wig in the movie
oh she does
yeah oh my goodness yeah there's a moment where she's clearly improvising and everyone laughs it's like a blooper in the movie
yeah
00:05:07
because I do like at least I'm not wearing a wig and I'm like wait I'm sorry this character is wearing a wig
no
00:05:13
I'm not pete this is where it is i'm kind of Everyone thinks I'm wearing a wig full time
and I wouldn't make it
00:05:19
this [ __ ] ratty is it because of Tommy Boy you think
yeah because of the fan and Tommy boy
00:05:25
it's uh Ted Dansen 2 fake piece in Cheers so I think people think Ted Dansen is bald
oh yeah you know Tommy we had to Dana will love this lore we
00:05:37
did it and I said "I think it's funny." Which I was wrong i said "We walk by a big fan it blows my hair back and I'm bald." I go "I think it should be uh
00:05:48
less goofy like it should just be a piece of it is
bald like a little bit in the back not
whatever we did we did it not a thousand%." And then we flew back
00:06:00
to LA or wherever New York to do the show and they looked at it and they go "You can see from this clip." And I go
00:06:06
"It's not that funny." They go "Do you want to come back to a full bald cap and do it again?" I go "Yes I don't want
00:06:13
to." But of course as you the three of us know if it's for something funny
it's
00:06:18
a it's a bigger It's bigger than you you have to do it so
bald
i didn't know that
00:06:23
was a re-shoot there's your clip we're four minutes in you got your clip
you know about clips i love it
yeah you got
00:06:30
to clip it clip it the secret behind David Spade's hairpiece huge that's true honored to be involved
i put my hat on now
tommy Boy is a trender man tommy Boy
00:06:43
always gets out there what trends on Yeah it got weird what we You made it weird what is
You made it you made it
00:06:50
weird you know what I've noticed is we we had um whenever we have a beautiful woman on I've noticed that as much as things change you kind of can't compete
00:07:01
with a beautiful guest like I've noticed that like deeply handsome people and deeply beautiful people tend to
they win
00:07:07
across the board somehow in a video medium they're coming out ahead again jesus Christ
they're coming out ahead again but I'm always surprised there'll be
00:07:19
something that I'm like this is profound this is lifechanging this is huge
and then that does fun and then somebody
00:07:27
somebody beautiful being witty and charming is like we can't not look at that we have to see it
yeah we know some
00:07:34
beautiful people out there
but we don't do the like I should have learned that you know what I mean like whoops the biggest mistake in show and then that
00:07:45
kind of clicky thing
we're supposed to be average i'm not including you in this because you're tall you're good and
00:07:51
Dana's a good looking dude i'm sick of being in the middle here and Malcolm in the middle over here
yeah why would you
00:07:57
look like you're in second grade i mean your frame is kind like just
You could adjust the frame
adjust that
00:08:06
they wanted me to in home improvement i have a fake plant
yeah Dana is killing it
they thought that this look would be better than what you have so I did it
00:08:18
you know when I went on your podcast This Will Trend I hadn't really kind of been on a podcast and I didn't really
00:08:25
know what they were or what they were about
and I met you a few times in the clubs and then you had said you're just having a bad day you're kind of depressed
and when you did my podcast
00:08:36
Yeah you said you felt like at the dental office you're wearing that thing but it was very interesting we Yeah and
00:08:45
I uh that was one of my first kind of regular podcasts
that's funny that's what you remember what I remember was that you were such a big get slippery
00:08:57
Spade keeps ducking me
but we got Dana and I was really excited and I was kind of like you know our podcast is long a typical episode is two uh two hours
in a
00:09:09
very small room in those days it's a very small tight room with the the button pusher person right there
that's
00:09:17
exactly right we're in a different studio now but I was like Dana's probably I not in a big time way but
00:09:23
like just like a this is a guy he's got a life he's got a career he's got less to prove he's probably going to want to
00:09:29
do an hour and get out of there not only did you do over two hours you didn't want to leave and I really respected it
00:09:37
like a standup on stage you wanted to end on a really big laugh and I was like "Oh my god it really just how we are you know
even if it takes another hour 30."
00:09:50
He kept looking for that needle in the haystack and and
you looked at me and you went "Is that is that enough?" Like you didn't know like probably he probably thought I don't
00:10:03
know what I'm doing here i think it it might have been Tina Fey or was it Steve Martin that just said like going on talk
00:10:09
shows you you have to always be great you can't be mediocre even one second and you still have that mindset it's kind of a lot of pressure like okay how will I be the greatest guest that Pete's
00:10:22
ever had you know
and it's uh you know
I was touched I was touched that for all
00:10:28
your success that you still had that mentality touch that it was generous to the audience but also it made me feel less alone because I will do a podcast
00:10:38
it's one of my favorite things to do actually is I'll do a smaller podcast right like I I think it's kind of nice
00:10:44
it's low pressure but when I go on I'm trying to be a great guest there's no like math right
like this doesn't matter you're like this is all we're doing everything's an audition someone only
00:10:56
heard Dana in their life on your podcast and they're like "This is my decision on Dana Carvey if he's funny or not." And
00:11:02
that's the hard part people go "Oh I thought you know if they're fans they go I know you all the way back to
00:11:09
grown-ups." And I'm like "Grownups nothing before that?" They go "Did you do anything before Grown-Ups?" I go "No
00:11:15
it doesn't matter because all you have to do is get them once." Because I was thinking people I like if they get me in
00:11:21
a movie you know what I mean the Well every obviously Chvy Chase had done some big ones a bunch but if you're just in
00:11:26
an old movie and I like it I'm in for life i'm like I like that person i like that person
yeah yeah yeah yeah we just
00:11:33
We were in the car we're in Irvine my family came with me and my daughter was watching Hotel Transennsylvania 2 so I heard your voice this morning Spade
00:11:44
that's a cute one for kids i think
it's very cute but it's also I'm not just saying this it's really funny you got a
00:11:52
huge laugh from us you're talking about your invisible girlfriend who's from Canada and you do this uh and we all
00:11:58
know what it's like being in a I don't know if you did an ensemble i'm guessing you didn't do it in an ensemble so
00:12:04
you're alone
and you had to nail this line like they're like "Oh this is your invisible girlfriend." Oh right is she
00:12:10
the one from Canada and you say like "Uh quiet guys the the wedding's about to start." But you said it
in a way that me
00:12:18
my wife and my daughter we all laughed and I was like that I'm not just buttering your bread i'm like that
00:12:24
really is special and then Sandler as the vamp vampire in that movie
is is throwing the grown-up's bones it seems like every other line there's something that that the grown-ups get to laugh at
00:12:36
so
we we we nudged her towards that movie but you were in my car this morning
thank you and uh you're like "Oh
00:12:42
I got to do this thing today i forgot." But Irvine Improv is that where you're at
i am at the Irvine Improv yeah
it's
00:12:49
It's great it's great
it's super fun and I confused it with the Brea improv i don't I don't know if you've ever walked into a club and you're you're walking through the kitchen
which it always
00:13:00
feels like real show business to me from the back
and I'm looking for the green room and I I just couldn't I couldn't
00:13:07
find it cuz I thought I was I don't know i just turned 46 i think it's like an airlock opened and all of these papers just flew out and I'm more confused than
00:13:19
I've ever been
and then they were like "It's over here." And I went in the green room and I was like
because I was
00:13:25
imagining the wrong one it was very disorienting to be like
"Yeah." And you're like "I don't even know where I am." You're like "Oh wait that means the
00:13:31
stage is behind me oh wait where am I that's so weird i've done that it's so weird i picture a green room and I go wait I've not been to this club before i totally pictured I was just on the road
00:13:42
i'm on the road too and that's probably why we do these now because I come back i don't do them on the road
it's too
00:13:48
hard cuz I have either a camera i don't I can't understand how to plug in a computer so they go we got to wait
00:13:54
honors members you got to pay for the I'm a red roof guy i just did the gigs with Dana where well I didn't tell Dana
00:14:02
but it was a small town great theater where you see like eight people that day and there's like a Hardies
and there's one Dairy Queen you go is there's no way anyone's coming to this show i don't see
00:14:15
one person
and then they filled it up and you go "Oh they they show up." But my hotel had three strips of Kleenex for
00:14:24
for curtains and there's like three feet in between each one and I'm like these are my blackout curtains from the
00:14:29
website and then the air conditioner under this white where the vents are about 2 in wide they're like this
00:14:38
yes
you know and you're all and then it and then it goes off then it comes on again you're like "Oh my god it's like a
00:14:44
tornado in here."
Do you know you must know the life hack of the the hanger right you know the hanger life hack
is that for curtains
yeah for the curtains no
no uh let me see if I have one this
00:14:58
is This is pretty bad
interesting let me see okay
i've heard you take a chip clip from potatoes potato chips
and
00:15:06
squeeze them together Dana
yeah i don't travel with a chip clip cuz I'm not you know
okay so
I'm not I'm not eating so
00:15:14
many chips that I need to keep fresh on the road yeah bert Chryser's uh act is the guy with a chip clip
and I love Bert this is what you use this is in the
00:15:24
closet of every hotel the as you're mentioning the curtains will never close so you clip it you clip it together with
00:15:31
this
oh you clip the hangers to you clip the curtains together
you clip the curtains together with the hair
oh you know what if girls have a banana clip in
00:15:39
their hair that might work
and not all of us are traveling with supermodels and bags of cool ranch that we need to keep
00:15:44
fresh for several days
listen if you have if you have a brick of gold you can lean it against the curtain you can also block the light from the people by stacking bricks
you stack them
00:15:57
it's a hassle you got to take them all out of the suitcase
but you I like knowing where they are i like knowing
00:16:03
where they are and I have the the private jet pilot bring them in he stacks them
he counts them
he moves them
00:16:09
i go "Did anybody take one?" They go "We've been up here sir count them count them in front of me." And I'm like they're like this again
00:16:20
[Music] no I uh uh I know that Pete I see it Pete at Largo a lot and um that's a fun place that's an appet
00:16:33
from crashing on and uh
yes
tell us about crashing how it got going
well I mean
that was a big
00:16:41
deal
it was a big deal i love telling that story and I love Jed i was going to say
yeah say it
one of the strangest things to come from Crashing is that like I would say Mike Periglia and Jud
00:16:54
and Neil Brennan and Andrew Santino are the four people I talk to the most and the fact that one of those people
is Jud
00:17:01
Appatile still blows me away like we call we talk about feelings what's going on in our lives there's no show business we're just friends and I I'm so honored
00:17:12
to see the side of Jud that is just the New Balance Dadbod guy that's just kind of
completely you know I mean every once in a while he'll mention having dinner with Paul McCartney or something and
00:17:25
you'll remember that he's Jed App but for the most part he he really is that dorky latch key t raised by television
00:17:34
kid
loves it loves show business
loves show business loves comedy
tv yeah loves
00:17:40
to laugh and also like doesn't talk [ __ ] like if you go like "Oh I saw the new
00:17:45
season of uh" He's always like "I liked it i thought it all i thought I thought it was pretty good." You know Spade got
00:17:51
a few laughs it's one of your things spade got a few laughs
it's one of my things that you're trashing that was all
00:17:57
right
i just I didn't like it i didn't like it i thought I thought it was funny i thought
there's room for that show
00:18:03
what What happened with um Crashing and I love telling the story because it's like an exercise in in gratitude so I was doing the Pete Holmes show which was a talk show that I did with Conan which
00:18:14
was also that's a whole other story
and Jed did a sketch with us now that I know Jed I'm like Jed gets pitched this
00:18:21
sketch three times a month it's like I'll pitch you bad movies
that's like the first idea you have but that's
00:18:28
that's the kind of operation we were running
so we go in and I pitch him bad movies and if you watch the sketch it's
00:18:35
on it's on YouTube i actually he starts improvising and then I start improvising back
00:18:41
obviously and I pitch him crashing in that sketch as it show
cuz he keeps going "What's your real idea what's your real idea what's your real idea?" I'm like I remember I'm like "Oh it's a bear
00:18:52
who's like the sidekick in a magic act and he learns magic from watching the magicians and he escapes and it's called
00:18:59
Bear Jishin." That's like the joke like they keep pitching different animals learning magic from their their captors
00:19:07
and then he goes and he seemed dead serious but the cameras are rolling he goes "What what's your real idea what's
00:19:12
your real idea what what would what would you really want to do?" And I go "Well I was raised religious i married
00:19:17
the first girl I ever dated the first girl I ever slept with we got married six years in she had an affair and I was
00:19:24
sort of kicked into the deep end of standup comedy i sort of doubled down on my life as a comedian while I was also
00:19:31
trying to learn how to be a functional adult very Jad Appetile right like I'm going through my 20s and my 30s is
00:19:37
basically the show
and he's like in the sketch he goes "That's too sad that's that's too sad nobody." He's joking but he goes "That's too sad nobody likes that that's that's pathetic
00:19:48
i don't like it." And I'm like "Okay." So that that's like six months later the Pete Holm show is cancelled and me and my producing partner Orin Brimmer we we
00:20:00
were like you know we're at our fighting weight we we were doing nine episodes of that show a week we were just like
00:20:06
tearing through jokes jokes jokes sketch sketch sketch we were like really strong so we're like let's go with this
00:20:11
momentum we know the show is cancelled but the show's going to air because we had all these episodes backlogged for
00:20:18
like two months beyond
being cancelled so we know it's canceled but the world doesn't know it's canceled so we're like
00:20:25
while it's still airing and we feel like we have some
still wipes yeah yeah yeah
00:20:30
we're going to go out and we're going to try and pitch a sketch show uh cuz that
00:20:36
was our favorite part of doing the Pete Home Show it was one of our favorite parts was the sketches so we go into
00:20:41
Comedy Central and we're like we're going to pitch them a sketch show and in the like you know that courtesy 30
00:20:48
minutes before the meeting where you're like chatting you know you have a Fiji and you're talking Kent Kent Alderman
00:20:55
who is the head of Comedy Central at the time
he's wonderful and and we're friends he says to me well one thing's for sure we're not looking for another [ __ ] sketch show and everyone laughs
00:21:08
and including us we're like imagine but we were there to pitch a sketch show so we scramble and we go "Okay we just lied we said,"Oh we were just here you know
00:21:20
for a meeting a general meeting uh we don't have anything to pitch." And they're like "Oh that's a little weird
00:21:25
but okay
100% weird
that's strange that you all took an hour out of our day to
00:21:30
just say what's up."
I'm like "Okay we'll see you later."
And I remember this very very vividly and as I get
00:21:38
older and even more forgetful and more papers fly out of my airlock as I as I age this story will get even more
00:21:44
romantic and special but I went down into I had a little Volkswagen Golf at the time and I sat in my car parked on the street in front of Comedy Central and I was like had one of those like I
00:21:57
guess you call like a come to Jesus moment i was like what am I doing like I don't know what I'm going to do i've had this job feel like I got this break but
00:22:04
I don't know what's next and that was scary and then just like a a high school guidance counselor I said 'Well what
00:22:11
would you do if you could do anything like that it's I I find that to be a helpful exercise here's a blank check
00:22:17
you can do anything you want what do you want to do i was like well I would want to do a show I'm just talking to myself
00:22:22
in my car like I'd want to do a show like Girls i really like the show Girls so I would want to do a show about my
00:22:28
life about getting into comedy with Jud Appattow on HBO that's that's what I thought but then I was like "But what is
00:22:36
the show?" And very very quickly obviously I just pitched it to Jud pretend style six months earlier but I
00:22:42
was like "Well it could be about a guy who married the first girl he was ever with who's religious who she has an
00:22:48
affair." And then in that moment of like pressure in the car I was like "Oh." And
00:22:54
every episode he can be crashing on the couch of a different comedian because I always wanted like an interesting engine
00:23:00
like it would be
hook yeah
yeah i was and and you guys know from selling a show whether or not you do the hook
00:23:06
doesn't really matter you need to show them that there is a hook you can abandon the hook but there should be a hook
mhm
so I was like this is great
00:23:14
that was a Wednesday and I I was like you know writing it in my phone and stuff and I was like I knew
00:23:21
Jud's team from having done the Pete Home Show so I reached out to my manager and I was like can we can I get a a
00:23:28
meeting with Jud this is also this is that sort of naive mania it's the kind of insanity you sort of need in show business but you can have too much of where I'm like I just came up with this
00:23:39
idea and I'm like I'm going to pitch it now like that's that's not really
gather the troops
exactly but that that is how
00:23:47
I am i tend to light up
really hot for things and I want to go go so it was Wednesday and they were like "Well he's
00:23:53
in New York and he's shooting Train Wreck and if you uh want you can go to the set of Train Wreck at like 6:00 a.m he has 15 minutes for you."
Again this
00:24:05
is Wednesday and that was Friday and I was like "Yes I booked the flight
on Thursday."
It's a It's a classic
00:24:13
Hollywood cliche right
movie but go ahead
totally i got the United you know I'm probably in like the exit row with a with a United napkin writing out what the show is
it was flight 93 though that
00:24:25
would be
I wasn't going to say that cuz it sort of derails the main narrative but
I know sorry go ahead
00:24:32
that's true
no no no but that is that is what happened but I'm just trying to keep it to one
it's a good hook though
00:24:39
takes a big turn down
so I'm writing out the idea i get in on Thursday jud by the
00:24:46
way does not know that I flew in um because he would have said "Don't fly in." Nobody flies across the country for 15 minutes but I was like it was a
00:24:57
no-brainer i got up at like 5 i got a coffee
which is two your time
which is too Thank you which is to my time went in there amy was there i know Amy a
00:25:08
little bit so I'm I'm feeling kind of comfortable vanessa Bayer
she's in there too
amy they're shooting they're
00:25:14
shooting Train Wreck
but she's not in this thing you're doing
no no no there I'm on the set of Train Wreck we're in like the fake magazine but that's where I'm
You mean they've already started
00:25:26
their day i thought it was before their day starts so Amy's buzzing around you see everyone then you go I got a corner
00:25:32
jud without these people and I don't want them to hear the idea and go thumbs down
00:25:39
if you're asking me
honestly totally i mean who's more distracted than a director on set before their shooting like it was kind of a bad
idea so he's
00:25:52
sitting at this table i sat down and like you know I I I felt okay i I I talked to him for like 12 minutes about other stuff
and then then the last three
00:26:05
minutes I was like here's the show and what happened and to take some of the onus off me like I don't really deserve full credit is he Jud was just getting
00:26:16
back into standup in New York and I'm pitching him a show about a guy getting into standup in New York so the the stars aligning on that he was in
and the
00:26:28
the the sort of postcript to the story is he goes write it
he didn't say like let's do it you got a deal he was like
00:26:34
write it i'll take a look at it and I wrote the script in two days and sent it to him and and we were we were off i
00:26:41
think we pitched it like a couple weeks after it was crazy
is he have to pitch too hard or is HBO saying "What do you
00:26:49
want to do next Jud?" Like kind of Adam Netflix kind of thing
they they did have
00:26:55
a deal with Jud i think we pitched it to Amazon and they passed and then Jud told
00:27:00
me to stop being so philosophical which is a funny thing because in Jud's master
00:27:06
class he uses me as the example of how not to pitch a show
which I didn't know until I was watching Jud's master class and he's like "One thing you want to do is don't do what Pete Hopes did don't do
00:27:20
what Pete did." He got all philosophical just tell him it's funny and I I'm that way i want to talk about the themes i
00:27:27
want to talk about the message i want to talk about the growth and the feelings jud was like just say it's funny you're
00:27:33
going to love it trust us
and I was like yeah that is how you would pitch it if you're Jud Appatile but I've never had
00:27:39
to pitch it that way but then HBO uh
who was it
it was Casey Bl and it was Amy
00:27:45
Gravit and um I think I'm forgetting one person but they were warm it was warm but I I said way less i said way less
oh he judge should have taken over a little
00:27:56
bit huh he could have but he was trying to take over by like saying I mean it's like
00:28:02
Johnny Cash pitching an album you know what I mean and there's some sweaty guy next to him being like there's going to
00:28:08
be a G and a C and a D
you know what I mean like I wasn't chill i was
He's like
00:28:15
I'm talking less is kind of a hint for the feel of it like just get less is more
well you know those shows where
00:28:21
someone's like if I crumble my paper it means shut up like we should have had a symbol like that i don't know that dana should do that to
00:28:28
me oh yeah you guys are doing great i'm just laying back today i just had surgery so
did you really
yeah that's all right
on what
uh a hernia kind of
00:28:40
thing
well I'm a little loopy
but um
I'm I'm See look i'm in Irvine you had a
00:28:47
hernia this is not our perfect day but we're making
I'm in great shape across you're doing great we love this you're
00:28:54
driving the diving because I said he is good at this and he's
funny about this show we get 10 minutes of gold are you out of your mind i mean we're not we're not pulling teeth we get 20 minutes of
00:29:06
gold out of this [ __ ] today there you go i appreciate
already you know
well p podcasters are great i'm not
00:29:13
saying I'm great i'm saying it's always a day off when I have podcast that's why I said he will take our dumb show and
00:29:21
make it better because he's
people who do podcasts understand the form and are good guests you know when I went on Smartless
and I saw the three of them you know on the thing I said "Okay I'm
00:29:33
just going to dot stick i'm just going to go full boore tell stories and make you laugh so I want you guys to have a
00:29:39
day off."
So that's lit and they kind of got it so that's all I did the whole time you know
that's what that's what
00:29:45
Conan said about Martin Short he goes "He's a day off." And I was like "Yep there are guys that come on and just and
00:29:51
deliver."
Well they do some homework on those shows and they get out there and just uh it help it helps um
it does
00:30:01
[Music] i'm not going to go over the fact that you're atheist which is maybe the
00:30:07
funniest word I've heard in a while that's funny i can tell where you're getting your research
no you don't
00:30:12
you'll never guess yes I do i know where you get your research yeah i think it's so funny
i wrote a book
00:30:20
about my spiritual journey and there's one chapter called the hertheist which means when I was a fundamentalist Christian and I thought everyone I talked to was going to hell which is a
00:30:33
huge burden this is under reportported if you're loving person which a lot of people of
00:30:40
faith are it sucks to go around and be like "Wow David I I can't believe you're going to hell." Like
seems like a great guy but uh I just figured it out you said the wrong thing and uh
it was it
00:30:55
made me sad all the time and all of my friends were atheists because all my friends were comedians and I wrote this chapter about how confusing it was after my my first wife obviously left me that
00:31:08
was very challenging to my faith because honestly if I'm being real I thought God
00:31:13
was looking out for me like stuff like that doesn't happen to people who don't smoke or drink or swear i was very clean
00:31:20
on stage and and then this bad thing happened so I'm like questioning my faith
and all my friends are comedian
00:31:26
atheists and I noticed that uh my friends were all deeply moral good sweet loving people and that's what that chapter is about i'm like why why like we were in a hotel and there was like an
00:31:42
unmanned convenience store you know those little convenience stores where you're supposed to charge to the room
i
00:31:48
was like if there's no God why don't I just take a Sprite like I don't understand like what is the point if
00:31:54
it's not for some sort of afterlife insurance you know and I remember my friends were like "It's for us if you
00:32:02
steal the guy or the woman working this shift might get in trouble you know what
00:32:07
I mean like she might be reprimanded she might lose her job you don't do it because in and of itself it's the good
00:32:14
and right thing to do
it's it's wrong and and and even better it's right to not do it you know what I mean so I was like
it felt so pure and good it wasn't
00:32:24
to be rewarded or recognized or you know given an eternal massage on a cloud or the harp it was for the here and now and for to take care to to remember that we belong to each other that that person
00:32:37
even though we don't know them we care about them and we care about them not being in trouble so I didn't obviously I
00:32:44
wasn't going to steal the spread it was just an example but then after I saw these beautiful atheists in my life I
00:32:50
briefly uh as like a thought experiment I was like I'm going to be an atheist and it was such a surprise that I liked
00:32:58
it i was like I enjoyed putting down all of these heavy ideological bags that I had been carrying and I was just like this is it let's care about each other let's take
00:33:09
care of each other and there's nothing else going on here and I found that to be a nice break from thinking everyone I
00:33:16
mean think of all the millions and millions and millions of people throughout history that are just burning in hell putting that away made me go
00:33:23
"This isn't an atheist this is a hertheist i like this this is nice you die it's over where where were you you
00:33:30
said this on my podcast Danny you said "Where were you during the Renaissance?" That's where you go when you die it's
00:33:36
over i was like "This is a relief." As compared to the you know the eternal judge Judy that's going to like tear you apart so I was briefly an atheist and I
00:33:47
called the chapter her atheist but it really was like a month
and then I took some mushrooms and then I I started
00:33:53
thinking about those things again you know do you think do you think Christians get a bad rap out there
i
00:33:59
think they're having a tough time because I read about things where people go after them more and more i read about
00:34:04
something in Africa i'm like "Wow I don't know." Because you just don't hear about it a lot but maybe you would know more
i I don't I I don't feel qualified
00:34:12
to um
Oh I am i'm I'm a podcaster i will say that you know I I I no longer identify as a Christian it's very confusing because I I love Christ and I think that's that's
00:34:28
what it is man i think what what he was teaching is the truth um but where we fall away is I don't believe in what's
00:34:35
called atonement theory this is boring atonement theory is the idea that you both are very familiar with which is that Jesus died because you both are
00:34:42
wicked little children and you need to be like washed in blood or otherwise God is going to flick you into a furnace
00:34:48
that's where it loses me but if you look at the words of of Jesus he's that's not his message that's sort of added on
00:34:55
later that was a lot of theology for 30 seconds
i read on Jesus's Wikipedia because I But I mean I I would say that like
00:35:08
I see it I see it a lot of a lot of different ways meaning a lot of my atheist friends come on my podcast and
00:35:16
we start talking and realize we don't believe in the same God if that makes sense like we're talking about an old
00:35:22
man in the sky with a beard like a lifeguard who's watching and blowing his whistle
00:35:28
basically a guy like a king with a surveillance system that's watching you do all your wicked things and can't wait
00:35:34
to torture you
i'm like I also don't believe in that god and and when you broaden it out to have a conversation
00:35:40
about consciousness or awareness or being itself the atheists the Christians we all can kind of like come into this
00:35:47
middle where we all agree and I'm very interested in that space h
okay
you guys didn't do ketamine
00:35:55
before the talk
no we already cut that part out um this we while we were I was texting
00:36:02
everyone going this part we got to lose it no I'm kidding i like I started it no
00:36:07
I like hearing about it because we talk about different things and it's very interesting to me
to hear that and also
00:36:14
that's such a part of you
that listen we can go back to talk about 7-Eleven and
00:36:19
stuff like my act but uh sometimes you have to talk about real things it's interesting
well you know what's funny is it's it's we're not actually talking about something that's exotic or or
00:36:30
mysterious every every person listening you me David Dana we're all having the experience of being aware and that's the mystery even science agrees that's called the hard question of
00:36:43
consciousness we don't know it's funny science looks into microscopes and looks at stuff but we don't know what is
00:36:50
looking into the microscope it's really kind of funny if you think about it like we're we're acquiring all this data but
00:36:56
that which knows the findings is itself a mystery and that to me is why I don't walk away from metaphor and interesting spiritual texts because we're talking about something that's very difficult to talk about but it's what's looking out
00:37:10
all of our eyes right now it's not it's not in India it's not at the top of a mountain it's not buried at the bottom
00:37:16
of the sea it's what you're experiencing right now it's it couldn't be more familiar to you
00:37:22
i was around a really sweet dog this past weekend and I you know it doesn't have any of that higher consciousness so it's very pure very eager very happy
00:37:34
completely in the moment and uh it was kind of nice and there's a there was a real estate agent I met recently in the
00:37:41
last year or so and he doesn't watch any of the news anything he goes "I want to be like a dog i want to just be in the
00:37:49
moment happy but humans our brains go crazy and I just feel the whole thing's a mystery
and it's so elusive." And uh we'll find out one day exactly what's
00:38:01
what happened if not you know
yeah yeah yeah you know what is really helpful to me and is a little less sort of high
00:38:08
flutin is I say yes thank you all day long especially when something isn't going my way i like to use the example of a delayed flight or something and you're having all these feelings the dog
00:38:22
one of the things that makes a dog so beautiful is it's not really resisting its experience you know what I mean it's
00:38:27
just there for it so it's not just present when everything's good it's it's it's there
david what's your riff David
00:38:34
no I agree i think uh No dogs are funny i have a chunk
now uh thanks for the setup
you do have a dog chunk in your special right
i do i do
00:38:47
i scare you
i can't believe it a dog chunk
of course i like this angle of dogs it's like when you see kids there's something magical about kids that are really little because there's no weight
00:38:58
of the world they're literally minute to minute just trying to find the fun and everything and couldn't give a [ __ ] and
00:39:04
then the older you get the more it's piled on it feels like you know too much almost you're like uh too much too much
00:39:10
info too much data add in social media add in the news and everyone kind of tilting it a little more doomsday some of the things don't come true that you're being warned about all the time
00:39:21
just like [ __ ] it's just a heavy heavy life and you try to go through going try to be a good person just a couple basic
00:39:28
things try to not make everyone's life harder try not just like when I see people out there if I used to be a bus boy like Dana if you
00:39:40
when I'm at a restaurant you're just trying not to make their life harder that I didn't want anyone to be kissing my ass or going overboard just don't
00:39:47
make my job any harder just be a normal person
and go
hi hi whatever you don't
00:39:53
even need to say thanks just But when I'm there I try to in in real life situations you try to go okay let's not
00:40:00
make everyone's life a [ __ ] pain in the ass everyone's just barely hanging on
i agree i agree with that we're
00:40:06
barely everybody is alone you know we're not interconnected in a way that maybe we will be in some other dimension but you know how do you not have empathy for people um because you know
some don't
00:40:21
and that's
it's hard just being alive yeah just to get dayto-day even if things go good you're like if you have
00:40:27
problems people think of like their five biggest problems and then someone takes money away usually number one money away
00:40:34
and they all just slide down you go oh wait that rich guy
isn't that happy and you go yeah you took money away but now the other one slid down now number one is this or health or something i've noticed a lot of very wealthy people
00:40:45
start getting really anxious about recycling and that sounds like a bit but like you'll never meet more ardent
00:40:53
recyclers than the very the uber wealthy and it's because exactly what you're saying i'm not worried about money
00:40:59
anymore i will now worry about whether or not that coffee cup is plastic coated and if it needs to go in this trash or
00:41:04
that trash which
whatever your next problem is kicks down to number one and then you go oh so that one's you as a
00:41:11
human you almost need something to think about or to fix or to go I need this to be better and then make my life better
00:41:17
or make someone else you know whatever well that's what they call in the in the spiritual traditions they call that the
00:41:23
monkey mind right and what what you're saying is actually quite profound is you'll never not have things to worry
00:41:30
about there you're a human being
yeah you find them
and even when you know the
00:41:36
three of us have been very fortunate to have some really great peak experiences in our lives and and and hopefully more
00:41:42
to come but like we know that even those flare up and then go away it's a little
00:41:48
bit like being a gambling addict get the big win and sometimes I'll get an email of an offer of something that if it had
00:41:55
come in when when I was 23 I would have thrown a parade you know what I mean and
00:42:00
now I'm like ah it's in May you know what I mean like so again not to I guess one of the reasons I'm interested in spirituality is it's like if we can get all those
00:42:11
things to settle down like all of those things are coming and going your your happy moments and your
00:42:19
sad moments your your anxiety but there's something that was consistent like your experience has been consistent
00:42:25
there's always been a sense of being myself and when you look at what you essentially are meaning those things
00:42:32
that come and go can't be essentially who you are so what was there the whole time your being and then when you look
00:42:38
at the quality of your being you see that it itself is peaceful and happy that's better than what I was going to
00:42:43
say i was going to say um that sometimes you go if I do this thing oh when I host
00:42:50
Saturday Night Live next week that's going to be really fun and then you start to say when I'm driving to get gas
00:42:56
I go this is actually the real life so you keep thinking of something else but you're like this is 99% of my day just
00:43:03
doing normal things so
Mhm
this is the part
everybody's just
being happy in you
00:43:08
just go I just want to be okay right now because this is really the life part then the minutia little things
am I
00:43:15
content here because
of course there's peaks
well yeah well you know Ramdas talked about this right you eat ice cream so you're hosting SNL next week which is awesome that's an ice cream cone but the human temperament is okay
00:43:29
I've had ice cream now I want some water you know and now I want a nap and now I'm bored and I want TV and now I'm
00:43:36
tired and I want to sleep and now I'm awake and I want coffee this is your life so you're absolutely right we need
00:43:41
to like
slow down and drop into our lives and en Yes it's like
when David does SNL and now you're like well what are people going to say about it instead of being mad at that you can go just
00:43:54
like the dog the dog is unfolding lawfully and being a dog perfectly david you're going to be David perfectly you can allow that and even you know forgive that be like this is just what it is but
00:44:08
if we can find little moments of quiet even as we're talking right now if you can just kind of find a stillness behind
00:44:14
the conversation and go "Oh that's the place where it's enough." That it doesn't matter how it goes
I'm sure
00:44:21
it'll be fantastic day to day is just like this is your real life this is the part where you go after that's done i'm
00:44:28
right back here and this is it's not so bad so
well you don't want to postpone your happiness i don't want to go I'll
00:44:33
be happy
that's kind of what I'm saying yeah yeah
yeah if I nail this podcast then I can feel good about myself i'll
00:44:38
get a certain exhilaration from doing this show with you guys but that that's it's a fool's errand to keep going oh
00:44:45
and then I'll kill it at Irvine and then I'll kill it tomorrow morning with my coffee like try to just say yes to what
00:44:51
is that that's a big that's a big one for me
and even that you botched this podcast you still you're
00:44:57
Well that's the trap right if I say I'll be happy that I did well I have to be unhappy that I botched it
that's that's just a dumb scale to put your your
00:45:08
worthiness on i think uh helping other people is a kind of nice way to get out of your own
00:45:15
head
yeah for sure
whether it's your wife your child or you know just or the club owner can you do five more minutes
00:45:22
or any little thing that you're focused on helping somebody um it's I think it's
00:45:30
really useful
i agree
want to do it anyway you know
totally the best shows I was going to say are the ones where I remember
where I just take a little moment to think about everything they
00:45:41
had to do to get there and and and like you said David the five big problems that they have these everybody here has
00:45:47
those five slots filled mhm and then when you see
they're never empty really they're never empty yeah you're right one goes out number six drops down okay now I'm in line now I'm in the top five
00:45:58
and then one of the great things about laughing and laughing together something you know there's something magical about releasing that
tension and there's a way you can release it with other people
00:46:10
around you that you can't do it you know that's what sort of makes our phones so
00:46:15
in a way awful is that you're it's a methodone it's it's like a synthetic lonely version of something that I think is much better when we're you know touching elbows with strangers yeah for
00:46:28
sure
yeah letting it out
i mean the flip side to careerism is just sort of you know later on as I was going down this
00:46:35
journey of being a stand-up or a comedian people would come up and say to me "Oh I really needed that." you know
00:46:41
and I didn't quite appreciate it as much till later on that's really what we're doing here
uh even right now we're just trying to make life a little eater easier a little lighter for everybody
00:46:53
and I do think when a peer group takes one of your bits either of you and you understand that that's a touchstone for them that they'll quote you and that's that's like a communication device for
00:47:06
peer groups that is the most flattering thing me and my friends do this once a month or whatever those kind of
00:47:13
compliments you're like "Oh that's that's really cool because that's what I had with Monty Python
you know with
00:47:19
friends."
So fun the first time Dana the first time I did standup I was I think I was 20 or 21 and
00:47:27
I rented out a little restaurant again one of those things I didn't know any better so I just was like I've never done standup i'm going to do 45 minutes
00:47:34
of standup i'm just going to do it
first and and first time and even worse I'm going to invite everyone I know to come and watch like just a nightmare i wouldn't do that
today my parents are
00:47:47
there we're filming it so I could give it to clubs but the reason I mention it it went fine actually it went well they
00:47:55
were so supportive i know i know i should have bombed all my friends just not laughing but they
00:48:00
were so supportive they gave me a standing ovation which isn't because I was so excellent it's because they
00:48:06
really were trying to like go go go yeah help they were trying to help
and they
00:48:12
did
nice
but the first time I did stand up Dana I one of the laughs I got was I said "Not going to do it." I said it
in
00:48:20
my set obviously was unplanned but I was like "Yep that's not happening not going
00:48:25
to do it." And it gets this big laugh and I was like "Whoops that's not mine." Uh that that counts as your laugh
00:48:32
anybody can have that
well I know but it's not that I stole it but it didn't feel as good as writing something for
00:48:38
myself but you were in my very very first uh standup set ever isn't that wild
flattering yeah yeah that's that is uh Yeah inexplicable you know bits uh
00:48:51
not just for myself for you guys are nonsensical they're not really one and one is two they're they're sort of off
00:48:57
offkilter
like a lot of a lot of David's throwaways and little things uh they last longer in a weird way the quirky you because you can't ever it's like
00:49:07
trying to catch the wind you know
yeah one
unscripted lines and movies are sort of remember from Catty Shack or old
00:49:14
movies
well David you were in the sketch it's it's Farley's line but my wife and I say "Lay off me i'm starving." Maybe
00:49:21
every day it's the main thing we say to one another cuz like
we're just constant
00:49:28
we're like food people and we're just eating and someone's like you're really going to have all that or just lay off
00:49:34
me
that I think that is the ultimate I'm agreeing with you guys that's the ultimate compliment is if your comedy
00:49:41
can somehow be infused and incorporated and it goes back to what you were saying into daily life not just into something
00:49:48
you do sometimes don't know what it is and you do
sketch in a room there with people and they go okay commercial go and they push this gap girl sketch out and you're going and years later you're
00:49:59
saying that a line that just was passing in the sketch is
it's like mindboggling
00:50:07
[Music] I don't think and I love that sketch I could totally see you guys being like
00:50:15
why would this one be a sensation you know what I It was Farley which is a trick so if you have Farley and he's in
00:50:22
a wig and he's drops his voice from a female and chokes me um and it's about French fries it's just funny
and you have Sandler in a wig too which is funny going you guys yeah and uh and then but
00:50:37
if it gets a laugh in there you're just relieved that it worked and now they're going to Weekend Update everyone's
00:50:42
running and changing and so then you things get picked out of shows like Dana knows you don't know what they like you
00:50:49
don't know what a movie
look and history remembers the winners or whatever i'm like I could so and I mean this as a
00:50:56
compliment that sketch could not have worked it might not have worked and we just never know like you still don't
00:51:03
rehearsal you hit it wrong rehearsal you get it barely right and you hit it right on air which is not always the case you
00:51:08
do better in dress and on air you just go "God can I just walk in one more time because I just didn't it didn't come off
00:51:13
in the right energy it just
and you go nope that's it we're doing it." And then you go "That was an okay sketch." And
00:51:18
you go "God the one that everyone would have loved was 2 hours ago but you nailed it perfectly."
So that's just
00:51:24
that's that's part of the fun crap shoot of SNL but we know in movies in life you just throw away joke weird things that
00:51:30
happen
pluck them out of the atmosphere yeah
it's endless it It is great that we'll never solve comedy you know it's always humbling i thought that would kill it bombed and this this worked or
00:51:42
whatever it's always full of surprises um so but you're on tour a mini tour kind of
and it was going to be called the PG-13 tour and then you
00:51:54
switched the name out
yes uh which was actually you know that's sort of a layover a carryover from my youth and my religious days and and this this sort of
00:52:07
tender
I don't want to say pathetic but like it's sweet i'm like "Oh maybe I could do a tour that my parents would like." You know what I mean i'm like "Wouldn't it be fun i'll do it it's
00:52:18
called the PG-13 tour." And the hour that I was writing was just kind of coming together less dirty than the
00:52:23
other ones and it still is uh not filthy but then I did it one time in Austin and
00:52:32
I was like "This is it felt like doing it underwater or something i hate the feeling." We're talking about how precious laughter is i hate the feeling of knowing I could put on these brass
00:52:46
knuckles and really smack them in the face but instead I'm going to like hold back to like stay in a box that I
00:52:55
created they didn't even ask me to do it so I was like "We're not we're not doing I did it one time and I was like I'm
00:53:01
never doing that again." Some some people like
like Nate Bargatsi who's a favorite of mine he just is that guy
00:53:09
yeah and I saw him say when he gets cut off in traffic he's like "Golly." You know when people cut me off in traffic I say the worst things you've ever heard in your life
and that's me i want to be
00:53:24
me i want to hit as hard as I can i don't want to get off stage like you on my podcast Dana i want to leave it all
00:53:31
and I'm constantly taking the temperature of the audience do you want it to be a little more wicked do you
00:53:37
want it to be a little bit sillier do you want me to be louder do you want I'll do it any whatever but I can't go
00:53:43
well I can't say [ __ ] because I called this tour that so stupid
stand up's also
00:53:50
so hard you can maybe do that clean set 7:30 on a Thursday but then it's like late show Friday sometimes you need to be like "Come on guys wake the [ __ ] up." Like you need
like a teacher
[ __ ]
00:54:03
shut up like you need that sometime
and it's not filthy it's just you weave it into your act where no one walks away
00:54:08
going "That was a dirty act." But you just kind of weave it into jokes where they don't even notice it it's just funny
i I get that all the time people
00:54:15
are like "I like that you're a clean comic." And I'm like "I'm not a clean comic."
Not really
but they think you are and that's why I think the metric is
00:54:22
wrong we think clean comedy is comedy where you don't say [ __ ] [ __ ] piss c whatever and dirty comedy is where you do and I'm like "No I've seen comedy
00:54:34
that passes that test of cleanliness that is deeply flawed and ugly like meanspirited and the message underneath it." And I'll defend their right to say that but it's just not for me i'm like
00:54:45
"Wow
that is a really toxic message." Yeah yeah
and then I get up and I'm being a silly floppy dumb golden retriever boy just trying to delight
00:54:56
everybody and yes I sometimes say uh swears and sometimes I talk about sex or whatever it might be but the intent
00:55:04
really matters to me and and and I think you can feel that because I've seen some really filthy comedy that was squeaky
00:55:11
clean if that makes sense
sure
and I've seen filthy comedy that I would call clean
i think main thing is not to not
00:55:19
to lean on it you know like you could you don't need to be blue all the time or not blue all the time you know it's
00:55:25
just you just weave it in it's not one one or the other
well it's a seasoning yeah it's a seasoning i'm not like
Don't
00:55:32
abuse it yeah well go see Pete Holmes on the road this guy Thanks for hanging with us
wait what was your last statement sorry
i just I just want it was the last thing on the
00:55:44
cleanliness and thank you for the plug seinfeld was like
uh swearing is like steroids it's like cheating i love Seinfeld because I think Seinfeld really is that guy but he goes like "Swearing
00:55:56
is like steroids." And I'm like "Yeah." And I want to hit a lot of home runs like give me the steroids like I will do
00:56:04
anything to delight the audience until they're red in the face and forgetting those five problems including I don't mean cheat other human beings but I will cheat i will swear i will spit i will
00:56:16
cuss i'll do whatever it takes because life is hard life is lonely life is painful and we need this this release we need this art form so yeah it's steroids
00:56:27
and I I'm Barry Bonds man
i'm glad we we did that
well I wouldn't want to follow
00:56:32
you i don't know if I followed you once or you followed me but yeah it was it was lonely uh you are you're very very
00:56:39
powerful in a very funny funny way
i've seen him kill i've seen him kill
you have a lot of weapons and a lot of things you're doing that's very powerful i just want comedians to be who they are
00:56:50
that that's really all it is
that's it sorry David you wanted to wrap it up go ahead
well we actually have a call that
00:56:56
we have to make i don't know what you know about podcasting or something just Okay
and Dane is falling apart obviously I I'm at 2% but I feel pretty good
i I
00:57:08
enjoyed this podcast i enjoyed it
i do it was a great You're a a good dude i will see you tomorrow
i hope so thank you both
all right Dana don't hang up right away
00:57:20
this has been a presentation of Odyssey please follow subscribe leave a like a review all the stuff smash that button whatever it is wherever you get your podcasts fly in the Wall is executive
00:57:32
produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade Jenna Weiss Burman of Odyssey and Heather Santoro the show's lead producer
00:57:37
is Greg Holtzman