00:00:00
[Music] if you wanted to be a hater and you're
00:00:06
out at a bar with this guy you go oh here's a guy that knocked it off his wiener and all the girls like ooh and
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then you go yeah and you know p vaing is such a precise sport that you could be just you could miss the bar by a quarter
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inch and you'd still win so you have at least an eighth of an inch wiener and he's like wait what but he was seen
00:00:25
before he started down the runway with his hands in his pants Oh was he SLA
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it Dana we can start but I just have to tell you that I only have I was going to
00:00:39
Raw Dog it I only had this much water for the whole time right smart smart I have to work the word raw dogging and
00:00:45
everything in life so then I realized I found one with this much mhm water so
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now you are ra for whole no not raw do this is just I'm G to be scrimping like
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Scrooge McDuck so
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is that HW tuille or is that HW tuille HW tuille duck yeah Scrooge McDuck
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started that yeah the Haw tuy girl yeah I don't know when we are officially in
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some sort of futuristic society when Haw Tui now has a five pitcher deal God
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bless her Hawk two I'm surprised she wasn't in Deadpool and Wolverine she's such a huge star now I know she's
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everywhere she she's hosting the Oscars her and Kevin har
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yeah her and Tina Fay yeah and her vietmanese brother-in-law
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H H sorry um we can cut this out no no
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there's Hawkeye and there's HW tuille and they're in the H ye okay so I saw Deadpool the other
00:01:55
day and I'm gonna tell the whole thing in 25 seconds okay what's what do we call them uh thumbnail grab yeah this oh you you
00:02:03
got a couple I'm jealous because there's a couple you're like last week I had the ugliest YouTube shorts thumbnail grab I
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can't even recreate everyone is talking about it trended quite everyone my sister said well gang what's
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up with his thumbnail G dang gang he was cute and then I looked up his
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thumbnail uh okay so uh I I go to Wolverine
00:02:31
of course sit through the 45 minutes of previews the the problem with that is that's when you're extra Juiced to see a
00:02:37
movie that's when you have the most attention and they waste it with preview after preview after commercial after
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commercials Nicole Kidman bless her heart I love her but enough no Kidman yep and then and then Ryan Reynolds he's
00:02:53
funny in it's so long he's funny in it but he I think he has too many jpms
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jokes per minute as we we know in the business MH so each sentence is a
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paragraph he says nine jokes I could go through there and pluck out a few because a lot of them land he's very
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funny I'm not saying that they know what they're doing but it's it's a lot so my
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other only pet peeve aside from not understanding the movie is that I think as I get older I
00:03:23
don't understand things um but Bonnie anded I understood yeah around they try
00:03:30
to shoot him they rob back anyway dead man and wolver uh school is um is uh
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they fight a lot they're friends but they fight right I guess because the movie came in only two and a half hours
00:03:47
so like well we got to Pat it so let's have you guys fight even though you're friends and so the problem with that
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Dana is they both can't really die and this bothers me about like Superman
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fighting people yes you get slammed into a rock yes it hurts yes you get your
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bell wrong yes you get stabbed with Wolverine claws which are 12 Ines long
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and go through your heart right but it just makes you mad or annoyed and then
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they keep fighting and they both get tired and they go anyway let's go go
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find whatever we got to find and they keep start walking down the street no one needs any medical care they just
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beat the [ __ ] out of each other for a half hour not back teen not B
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Trac not an eyelash in the eye it's perfect perfect up I'm worse after doing
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the podcast I need a little medical attention oh yeah you need a whole adjustment you got to go to app plaes
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class but there this is just made in a factory it's great it's it's called a
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mashup can we possibly get Wolverine in the boxing ring with Deadpool does it
00:04:55
make any sense that they exist but they have green lit the Hulk versus Superman you wait for it for next summer Y and
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they'll fight each other no one dies but they'll fight for two hours and you know um that is the truth that because
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Wolverine was dead that's that was why his last movie was so good like oh and
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so he jokingly digs him up out of the Grave to let people know I know he's dead you know he's dead but we got to
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make our money here so they make they make fun of it it's a Global Financial
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smash it's a [ __ ] smash aash they will get Haw tuille in there okay so on
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the sequel so then I went to a birthday party um Saturday I'll let you talk toward the end of this I I I like to
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listen because I'm a I'm a shud in as you know you went to a party yeah tell me I want to hear more a party you were
00:05:46
invited to but it's a hike to come into town um I I actually saw Adam that day
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so the part's for better I'll just say Eddie better because who cares because oh Eddie V we love Eddie
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60th birthday Pearl Jam and um Pearl Jam lead he was on SNL in the old days uh
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very sweet then we all of course are fans one of the best voices out there sweetheart guy iconic Rock voice yeah
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yeah got it you can't you can't argue that he's very talented so fun fun I
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don't see Adam that much everyone thinks we're together all the time but he's in town I'm in town which is rare so we go
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golf that day and then he says I said there's going to be an 80s band tonight you think is Eddie going to get up and
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rock out with those guys and that'll that'll be fun if he does and he goes oh yeah he goes what are you gonna do get
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up and sing American Girl and I go Tom Petty no I said I don't sing I said are you gonna sing and he goes yeah and I go
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course full band I go what do you mean he goes yeah I think I'm singing ACDC I go you already know and he goes yeah
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you're singing American Girl I go no he goes a son I've been assigned I didn't
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know it I go he goes it's on the list I go shut the [ __ ] up I'm not singing and it's obviously a joke because I can't
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sing but I did Tom peddy my they go give him that and but Eddie will sing with you so super fun I go I'll embarrass
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myself and but the problem is like I'm just a regular clown Dana I'm not I'm
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not I'm a basic stock clown I don't have singing I don't have the extras you know what I mean Sandler give me a clown with
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all the extras can he sing yes can you play music can he write can he do everything yeah he's got all that I'm
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just standard stock right you do have a little bit of
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a Tom Petty singing a a line or two yeah because that's like a because I'm free
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Free fing I'm doing Bob Dylan now but that's kind of easy but American Girl
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yeah she was an American Girl ra On Prom I mean you can kind of fake it but you
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can't fake a whole song so anyway it'll be just goofy and uh and anyway I go there now I'm I'm a
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little nervous that I if I have to get up but the party starts at 6 which is early bir special but I forget it's 60th
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birthday so I'm fine with it I roll in at seven because I think I'm King [ __ ] you know I'm like I'll roll it starts to
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fill up Dan it it's totally full at 7 and it's at our rich man it's at our
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Rich managers backyard in Malibu oh my God the acreage and the views and G the
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The Columns and the dogs my God gerit is our manager and we laugh and do an
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impression of him that doesn't sound like him but he's like hey you like it one day save up your
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money because he's got he's richer than us and it's when your managers don't
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ever go to their house manager and agent they're richer than you and it will make you sick to your stomach I'm like yeah
00:08:52
he's wait he's got a 100 clients they're all famous I go well it makes sense but I don't want to see it in my face I
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remember I was I had lunch with one manager and I at that point I had a Honda pilot and he he had a gold
00:09:05
rollsroyce and it was we're we're Ving and they're like who's the star here
00:09:11
what happened they go careful with the steering wheel it's made of diamonds and everyone's like his shoes were literally
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Platinum yeah and you're like [ __ ] Platinum starting ears in the front no I
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didn't have automatic window I done roll it roll it up yeah you're the all we're saying all we that's right cross your
00:09:30
fingers put some away yeah so yes Dana doesn't like money you just
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don't like to work you turn down one gig sorry Spade thought you liked money well you know I mean we God love
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him but it you said it before but it was so funny that on a a little um sheet
00:09:51
that tells you where clients are going and it would say David to Istanbul and that's all they saw it was just little
00:09:58
words on a page but had to fly to Istanbul and you killed I I heard I say you do
00:10:03
it not that bad fun little road gig six days of travel yeah you going
00:10:10
to mares yeah mares and it's a cute little hop to stumb yeah quick little
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layover 14 hours no big deal thinking the money we get paid to travel I forget
00:10:22
some of my gigs if I have a 12-hour flight 24 hours in the hotel 45 minute
00:10:28
stand up 12h hour flight fight back how'd the gig go I have no idea I have no idea gig's the least of my problems
00:10:34
yeah yeah it's just the drug get my last gig was a corporate gig they just wanted me to meet some people and do 20 I'm
00:10:40
like 20 uh I think I told you this and halfway through there were kids in the audience I'm like are there effing kids
00:10:47
here they're like yeah and uh I'm like all right but I I still kind of and I
00:10:53
was like oh I'll edit these jokes it's funnier to act like I'm worried about it uh anyway so go uh to gert's house so I
00:11:01
got to drive out there which is you know I think we could all get a decent place out there because it's so far in Malu
00:11:06
it's an hour to away I don't mind the drive and uh so uh I get things done I make calls so uh I don't like that
00:11:14
traffic so all day he's the happiest human on earth all Dana and I do in in dinner is
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just talk like this about gerits yeah so I get there first guy I
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see you'll be jealous Ringo mhm oh really peace and love peace
00:11:33
and love [ __ ] peace and love love peace and love like me Brothers they're
00:11:39
like me Brothers yeah oh man I I would have had fun talking you know who you missed Neil
00:11:45
Young oh man look at my life I'm a lot like you were now mention someone else
00:11:52
and see if I can do no I saw him at the buffet he goes you have any chalupas left
00:11:59
little false set oh but that's okay I was just copying you no I was at the
00:12:04
bouet with him I snuck in and I took his plate and you said hey hey mine mine and
00:12:11
he and he grabbed it back he said Hey Hey My M are you GNA eat that last
00:12:17
french fry okay assist there it's all Buffet
00:12:24
that's not bad yeah it was a big buffet and then yeah it was a big buffet and there was lot of lot of stuff there
00:12:30
keeps me searching for a heart of FS for my salad okay there you go Ringo
00:12:39
is next to me he said uh peas and carrots peas and carrots Ringo was there and I said can I
00:12:45
help you he says I'll goodbye With a Little Help From Me friends I mean they were all just singing their songs to
00:12:51
answer with lyricss so there's a couple comedians it was
00:12:59
definitely fun but the big story is it well I have a question yeah go ahead did
00:13:05
Sandler wear shorts golfing I'm sure of that did he also wear short pants to the
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birthday party you know I think he wore a dressed up version of Sandler
00:13:19
which is like a puffer with a golf shirt and a long pants Jets sweats on or
00:13:25
something but it wasn't it wasn't too gussied up I know he lovely wife Jackie with him and uh and then I got worried
00:13:33
cuz it got dark and then they said oh oh this 80s band went up and they were great and then um but I said I don't
00:13:39
think they're singing and then they go we got a special singer so I'm like here we go who's it
00:13:45
gonna be you know what it was Eddie's daughter and she's about 14 and she's sang the nicest song really good and it
00:13:54
was very emotional and you know listen I know I'm the Tin Man but even me I got a little
00:13:59
choked up very sweet and uh is it the Tin Man doesn't have that much emotion I
00:14:06
think you get it well no uh no wait okay
00:14:12
let's was a coward was a coward the Scarecrow oh
00:14:18
yeah the Tin Man didn't have a heart how how did it take me 20 seconds to give it that only I didn't really get it I
00:14:24
thought he just needed oil I didn't know anything I was like like what is his main thing though so you got it Tin Man
00:14:30
um Tin Man so you have a heart of Steel and then you're melted yeah I'm melted
00:14:36
then Eddie says nice things he gets a no I put is that
00:14:43
oil oh you have a little clicker thing lot going on all right so then
00:14:51
you're you're in tears I tear up a commercial I tear up constantly most of
00:14:57
the time when I'm said I better get I better beat everybody out of here so it
00:15:02
went from tears to like oh but anyway and then Eddie tears to fears and uh but
00:15:08
by then you know there's probably 30 people left because now it's 9:30 which is midnight for people yeah yeah
00:15:15
Hollywood yeah yeah and you know it's freezing out I got heat lamps you want a
00:15:21
sweater so it's freezing out and gert's this massive backyard next to his tennis
00:15:27
court and so so I say I'm going to bounce to no one cuz I just leave I sneak out like Homer Simpson in the
00:15:34
bushes because what's there to say so I say I talk I hate I i' like to just go
00:15:40
because then I'll see it hey this is fun how are you uh okay uhh uh you just
00:15:46
disappear you're not going are you yeah yeah that guy yeah stay come on just
00:15:53
have one little one little drink just one little drink we could say for a while go
00:15:59
Joe Biden what are you doing here how he does drink I even drink what happened to
00:16:09
Arthur movie reference John Sir John Gil good who played the assistant to Arthur the
00:16:15
billionaire alcoholic would you like me to come in there and wash your dick is I
00:16:22
believe so it's PG-13 look look it up so anyway I left because oh one of our
00:16:29
comedian buddies said hey um they're not singing Eddie's not singing they're not going to do that whole thing I said oh
00:16:35
okay well I don't care I mean by then I was like yeah I had got a lot out it was super fun beautifully thrown by his wife
00:16:42
Jill so I I took off and then Adam says the next day oh yeah about an hour later
00:16:48
it got going they started singing I was like oh of course oh that's like at the 40th it was
00:16:56
like A4 to 5 a.m. I've been up 80 hours so my wife and I slipped out the big out
00:17:03
the back and there was like oh you missed Prince yeah [ __ ] never leave if
00:17:09
there's a rock star in at the park never leave for any reason anywhere never just
00:17:14
stay everywhere and never go anywhere all right that was a boring weekend but that was fun uh but that's my story and
00:17:20
now I want to talk about the Olympics because that's really the big story
00:17:25
[Music]
00:17:33
obviously I'm on the road I'm doing this tour Dana you're out there I took my new away bag let's take a look at it
00:17:40
Heather's here he gonna okay I'm an international stupid Star as you know yeah yes I've heard the rumor this is
00:17:46
the black one here twist a little bit you're not being a good well sideways
00:17:52
yeah this is the one so everyone has black but you know this one is great you
00:17:59
can tie a little thing around it that's enough but it's good because it's not completely Rock Solid it's got you know
00:18:06
the the uh yeah totally it's got the soft side right and these are the best
00:18:13
ones in the world this is a game changer and you can take it on the plane so you know like when you go out and you shove
00:18:18
all your props and all things from your acting all my wigs and my G glasses yeah
00:18:24
yeah Hans and frond outfit and when people kept stopping me to sign a million things most of them were like
00:18:31
what's that is that new is that an a away luggage and I have to go through the whole RI roll with them there you go
00:18:37
okay you can put it down there's getting sore umic you like Bob Barker you've got
00:18:43
assist holding holding away away luggage uh you know this is their best seller is
00:18:50
the uh black best color but they come in four sizes four colors guess what I'm a
00:18:56
rebel look at this what do you got it's kind of a a whitish gray soft side
00:19:03
feel it touch it got to do it so I love maneuvering I these things can maneuver
00:19:10
through an airport like nobody's business yeah cuz my old one was like I was carrying bricks around and these are
00:19:16
a little lighter you kind of push them and just you don't think about it they have four wheels and they turn and
00:19:22
they're very uh this packs a punch you can fit a lot of stuff into this little guy here you know this is like an art 2
00:19:29
D2 size it's tear resistant water resistant cuz you know those guys don't care and in your case fan
00:19:36
resistance it's a shield get back Talent resistant um if you spill stuff on it
00:19:43
wipe it off that's easy uh if you cry and your tears hit it that's fine it's
00:19:48
like water it thinks it's water even though they're y baby tears and and listen softside is actually made of high
00:19:55
strength nylon so it's durable and tear resistant as well as water resistant
00:20:01
that's a threesome right there it holds a lot it stays upright check out the new softside luggage from away and head over
00:20:08
to a awaytravel.com fly that's us fly there's never been I
00:20:16
mean the Olympic is every four years there's never been this much crying of defeat crying of
00:20:21
Joy just it's a real SOB Fest it's like if they win they lose whatever it's just
00:20:27
sobbing and crying happy crying sad crying okay all right
00:20:32
here we are M go ahead and read it uh okay for you drivers Olympic gold
00:20:37
medalist found sleeping in park due to subpar conditions at athletes Village I didn't see this
00:20:44
one what what does that mean he said it was it was so bad at the Village oh yeah
00:20:50
there's no air conditioning he says it's hot food is bad athletes move for this reason it's not
00:20:58
Al excuse It's the reality of what perhaps not everyone knows okay uh I know the
00:21:05
background on this well the guy they put in charge to clean up the river he also
00:21:11
built the village the poop River it's poop Village too the poop river guy the
00:21:17
poop river guy also did poopy hot Village so that guy I don't know maybe
00:21:23
he should look for work elsewhere it's France's Secretary of eoli that guy yeah
00:21:28
they said you're going to a condition in the Olympic Village right of course I will stinky and hot oh and that's that
00:21:35
place is a toyot of fuckathon that's where the all the athletes get it together and they but they
00:21:42
also but they also um all the beds are made of cardboard because they don't want them I guess to hook up but the
00:21:50
truth is you need these athletes even though they're in Prime physical condition they all look like models well
00:21:56
but they can't sleep that well it's not that comfortable could we talk about that I mean just
00:22:01
being uh of any age watching these people walking around like divers and these women gymnast everyone they're
00:22:07
just muscles with a head attached everything is just perfectly balanced and they're just like so you just feel
00:22:13
so shrunken down by and beat up when you see these people I know I'm always kind of I get up to go eat another gallon of
00:22:20
ice cream and I'm like walk by the mirror two years ago I could beat the [ __ ] out of that dude I know I put on
00:22:28
unit Ard get in front of the mirror and just like pose I give angles and I say
00:22:33
to my wife could you just adjust the lighting but that's you know that's just breakfast time I pull a juke box in my
00:22:40
room because I I it gives you an uplo not a no it's the
00:22:45
wheels that's a jukebox Wheels movie it's got wheels on it what won't you
00:22:52
ATT it just sound like I got to push this rusty old jukebox in and then it gives you uplighting but then what does it sound
00:22:59
like when you lock the wheels in place oh yeah so it won't roll I no you got to lock in the
00:23:07
hubs and then you gotta push some [ __ ] Lover Boy song everybody is
00:23:12
working for that's what my jukebox has all8 I love SE seated dancing because it
00:23:18
only it only yeah all arms hey man but still the Olympics I I I admire the homeless
00:23:26
people in in uh Paris for not taking that guy's gold medal
00:23:32
from him whoever else was sleeping on the street that night they just said leave him alone when you have to use your gold
00:23:39
medal as a pillow you're like this and as a blanket you're using your gold
00:23:44
medal as a pillow you maybe should have tried a little harder yeah well go to the next story because there's a lot of
00:23:49
Olympic Village stores we got a lot ofm this girl Lana yes Alo kicked out of
00:23:56
Olympic Village for this is inappropriate behavior now this is a I would say beautiful swimmer
00:24:03
from well that's to my point yeah she's fit and a lot of them just look exactly
00:24:09
like models she looks gorgeous and the best thing she could have happen for is this because everyone's curious about
00:24:15
her now and if she could have said for having sex in Olympic Village you know
00:24:20
she walked out of the the Jamaican bob sled thought hey guys it's a team effort
00:24:25
you know but no one says what it is they just said hey inappropriate which means vague
00:24:32
which really is trashing I think I know what it was there was an outdoor shower
00:24:38
and she had bikini bottoms on and sort of like a bra and she would take long
00:24:43
showers outside to the point where it was distracting the other athletes that's I'm that is not a joke there is
00:24:49
that picture somewhere just the story is distracting to me these long sudsy steamy showers you can find that picture
00:24:56
of it she looks cute anyway and then she even sideways yeah MH mhu so isn't there
00:25:05
a shower one I saw the shower one in line but anyway if you can find it but what what country was she representing
00:25:11
because I Paraguay was she okay so she was actually a world class swimmer she was a not world class because she got
00:25:17
smoked but once she was done I think what happened was she oh she oh she got smoked all right she was defending
00:25:23
herself saying I think she went to Paris Disneyland and took some selfies is and they're like oh no no
00:25:32
no no no no there she is there she is click on
00:25:38
the shower one so that was hours a day where people would walk by and they go are you clean
00:25:46
yet uh this is her picture of her click we'll put it up on the podcast I mean on the outdoor shower so anyway uh God
00:25:54
bless her I wish her all the best and um she's very clean and what's her only fans link I mean honestly if you have
00:26:01
this much of an audience and you've ever thought about only fans Now's the Time and when are
00:26:07
you going to get that crowd again like but maybe she's very against that I'm not saying that's what every girl does
00:26:13
you don't have to do porn on only fans you can also just be a nice person do
00:26:18
your day Hi here's a fit check from revolve okay yeah what's the next
00:26:25
one what's the next Olympic big story I like this girl who is that is that
00:26:31
Gabby Gabby Thomas Thomas I thought she was great she's a Harvard grad she just
00:26:38
won the Olympic championship in the 200 meter she she looks like a model and
00:26:44
she's going to open a children's hospital so every time they mentioned her which I get it they said well the
00:26:50
Harvard grad is coming out of the blocks fast here the Harvard grad's coming on Fast Harvard grad by a nose so it goes
00:26:57
to show tell you that a lot of these athletes just were kind of like us went to Community College for a semester was
00:27:03
she inever I don't think the Army someone
00:27:09
was we do have army people which is great but she is um kind of like made
00:27:15
out of a a factory she's America's top Runner she's America's top model she's
00:27:21
she's super top in a top intellect she's already already put her hat in the ring
00:27:26
for 2044 for presid she could be the president this year by the way she's
00:27:31
already way way it's going yeah she good in the did she keep winning because I saw in a couple but as of press time I
00:27:39
don't know if she's won she won more well I just know that there she's probably part of the relay team which
00:27:45
isn't I don't think it's happened yet 4X 100 yeah uh but she won the 200 meter
00:27:50
and um she won it in impressive fashion like she was dominant now Dana here's my
00:27:57
big thing about her before we leave this story okay don't worry about my hat how [ __ ] cool it is uh okay look at this
00:28:05
she's wearing a uh watch gold watch that's during her race I thought I know
00:28:11
sometime they have long hair and [ __ ] which I would think I would shave my head I mean I don't know if it drags I
00:28:17
don't know all that stuff coefficients that you know but a heavy when I wear my
00:28:22
gold watch I don't have on to dinner it hurts my shoulder so I think if you're
00:28:27
running it has to slow you down I would just not I would thin it down yeah I know I'm I'm kind of surprised because a
00:28:33
lot of times it'll be double bracelets heavy multiple necklace yeah a big sort
00:28:40
of head thing made of carbon um so yeah you have to be really it's very dominant
00:28:47
to do that with a giant heavy watch on your hand but she was dominant yeah she's like don't make me take this off
00:28:52
and then really smoke you okay move on I always just thought that was an interesting comment by me
00:28:59
we're gonna leave with that with the YouTube shorts wait what's this Michaels [ __ ] is that your what is this this
00:29:06
is this is amazing so this guy Al Al Michaels the Al Michaels probably the
00:29:11
most famous sports announcer of the last many decades brilliant he wants to go to
00:29:18
the Olympics they ask him can you narrate the highlights each evening for us and he goes yeah I'd love to and then
00:29:24
they said well guess what we're going to have an A I do your voice so every night
00:29:31
he sits at home with a nice cold beer his AI Avatar does the highlights the
00:29:38
vocal voiceover and he doesn't have to do anything he they don't show his picture they just do a voiceover I
00:29:44
believe so oh my God but but if you hear that voice no it's AI Michaels do you
00:29:51
believe in miracles yes that's his you believe most famous quote which is yes
00:29:56
deserve it he's so so funny and and uh he just seems like the coolest guy he he
00:30:02
did Monday night football with our friend Dennis Miller no he's great and uh I think you just embraced the concept
00:30:08
of it I'd like to announce right now and I know it's awkward we've been going for a while but I am a digital AI copy copy
00:30:15
of Dana Carvey you are um yeah Dana Carvey is
00:30:21
hiking Dana ising right now it's G to happen who can think of our blistering
00:30:26
onliners what what robot could keep up with us
00:30:31
I'll take on AI yeah is comedians trying to be funny that's the hardest thing to
00:30:38
do yeah if an AI is better than me immediately I'll get sick okay this is
00:30:45
more cry here's the thing it's every four years if you win or you lose it because you don't get a second chance
00:30:51
it's a big deal you and I get a million chances we go for decades bombing in clubs and theaters but we go again and
00:30:59
again and again but these people have one shot if we had one shot our entire
00:31:04
career every four years there'd be a standup comedy for the gold medal all right David Spade now he's going to
00:31:11
attempt his joke he's picking up the mic and now he's laying down the premise he's saying that's he went to Burger
00:31:17
King the judges are look at the crowd is a small little laugh let's let's look for the turn here here comes the punch
00:31:25
line he was looking for but it wasn't as big or whoppy as he thought the gold
00:31:32
medal is going toy as he thought the gold medal is going to David's face oh
00:31:38
he really missed it he said double cheesburger he was supposed to say Whopper and that sort of I think that's
00:31:43
just nerves Dana Carvey closing with his Ross bro from the 90s he's coming in
00:31:49
hard can I finish one time oh my God but yeah we're very lucky that we get to bomb and fail so much but for Olympic
00:31:56
athletes they do have the the events between but the Olympics is very painful
00:32:02
cary's joke wins by0 fifth of a second with his joke Carvey wins but judges say
00:32:09
it was a steal from David Spade special get her
00:32:15
done special done take the hit take the hit that's where they came
00:32:22
I like your yeah all right next there is crying in the Olympics no crying in baseball
00:32:28
okay this is what we're just talking about this one I would have bet money on who won and I would have been wrong even
00:32:35
the announcer got it wrong yeah everyone thought Jamaica had won and and Noah
00:32:41
lyes in the 100 meter dash just came up at like he was behind at 98 meters well
00:32:47
this isn't a straight line right here this is because what has to cross first
00:32:53
is body head or foot or hand well they decided in the early early in the oldie
00:32:58
days like 1920s and stuff they did they just had anything across the line so
00:33:04
some some athletes were wearing like oversized shoes and they just kick their leg out to win or really tall guys they
00:33:10
just throw their hand across the finish line so they made it so it was they'd hold a tape and if your chest hit it
00:33:16
normally it would wrap around the athlete who won so that's why it starts so it's your torso first so Noah
00:33:25
leaned Jamaica didn't lean in the same fashion his foot's across first but not
00:33:31
his torso but I've never heard of this he lost the race think of this by five
00:33:38
1,000 of a second right I mean that's not like that that's like one of that so
00:33:45
you're looking at this red pole and it's going across the white line but see we're not looking straight we should be
00:33:51
like this because you need a better angle something's poking across it might
00:33:56
be as hard we need a direct shot but think about the gentleman I'm sorry I
00:34:02
don't know his name that took second place by 51,000 second Jamaican walking
00:34:08
around the village how'd you go oh I got silver that's too bad would have been fun to be a champion I lost by 51000 hey
00:34:16
it doesn't matter dude you lost I don't need to hear any kind of time details
00:34:21
the loss is the Lost [ __ ] Jesus yeah all I heard was second dude all I heard
00:34:26
was second I don't need any gobbly goop after that you could have been a 100 yard that Franklin aai you know that
00:34:32
comedian oh worked with him many times he said uh could you picture being in the uh mile race in the Olympics and
00:34:41
you're last and you're running along going wait am I last wait I trained for
00:34:47
four years and I'm last I didn't have to train at all and I'd still get last that's a great one that's a great I
00:34:54
had a coach that when he in uh high school we had tough coaches so one would he'd hear us talking about what we would
00:35:02
do in the next season and training goes the Cry of the loser was his thing so this guy this guy going like that well I
00:35:08
took second but it was by hey man that's the Cry of the looser I don't need details this is what you're doing this
00:35:15
is what I wants you to do you're a loser you'll always be a loser but I was second in the world don't want to hear
00:35:20
it don't want to hear it you're a winner or you're a loser there no such think a trump I'm getting so bored of
00:35:28
doing Trump I'm taking a okay next next one let's see we're
00:35:35
really we're really jumping on I want to get to the on oh is that okay this this Snoop Dogg is um a pop culture of
00:35:43
phenomenon this is a rare time he doesn't have sunglasses on this guy everybody loves him it really is true
00:35:50
he's like he's the coolest most effortless personalities is wandering around the Olympic Games and
00:35:56
this was true when Noah WS was doing the 200 meter Heats which we can talk about
00:36:01
that in a second they had it on Snoop I guess he was sitting with Martha Stewart so this is what Snoop Dogg is saying
00:36:08
while Noah runs down the track okay he goes don't eat don't eat don't eat now
00:36:15
you now you go ahead and eat so he meant pace yourself pace yourself now go for
00:36:21
it I thought he really me but he's saying don't eat don't eat now go ahead and eat just who would say that I like
00:36:28
it I love that guy he's all over the Olympics he's sort of turned into our Ryan seest because he's at all these
00:36:34
events he's very big uh in every commercial well they got
00:36:40
him in outfits he's dressed as a jockey he's feeding horses he's at every event
00:36:45
he's like yeah he is like where Snoop yeah so so he's doing a good job and I
00:36:50
heard he's getting up the ass uh which is good I'm glad they paid me
00:36:57
[Music]
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00:37:55
this might be I Dana I didn't know what this was and I saw a clip I go wow weird
00:38:00
so look what they do diving all right let me see the difficulty here
00:38:05
45. so they all jump in the pool they can't touch the bottom I don't
00:38:11
think and now they do little tricks it's like synchronized
00:38:17
swimming wow incredible incredible athletic o this is their speed and
00:38:23
passion looks like they're being attacked by a shark but you know what look they move their heads they stick their arm they're all great
00:38:30
they all have great legs very solid and good height on the flying wow one didn't
00:38:36
shave her legs please that's not all she didn't shave please tell me they won the gold
00:38:43
metal one point down for a bush yeah look at how good they are I
00:38:48
don't know and they can't look at their feet they're like on swivels no they're upside down in the water kicking legs
00:38:55
and see it's like they're not Brea they would have put this in an MGM
00:39:02
musical in 1950 really exactly too loud this is amazing all right you can turn
00:39:08
the sound off I just want to stare they're all so goddamn good look at kick kick kick I know but doesn't it
00:39:14
make you want to swim and jump up like they can I mean it's just all this physical honestly Dana you think I'm
00:39:20
like I put my legs up there and got in that water you would not tell the difference I have good legs Carry Underwood legs people are whispering iar
00:39:27
hear it is other people's words yeah yeah but would you say they're feminine legs or masculine legs I don't let's go
00:39:34
to the phones I don't know uh I do have probably eight to 10 hairs on my
00:39:40
legs not that many I always had what they called chonkers like I had I was I had no upper body when I was
00:39:48
running in high school and college and just gigantic legs I had the legs of a 200 lb man and I hated them cuz when I
00:39:55
when I would when I would I just in those days you wanted to have lean distance Runner legs but they were just
00:40:00
gigantic hey choners you going to lunch yeah chers so you said Sandler seen them yeah
00:40:10
Sandler's got I went golfing once and I had short shorts short short song and s's like car your
00:40:17
legs what the [ __ ] what are you doing no but yeah he's got some chunkers
00:40:24
on him too yeahh all right next what else we got we got a lot of stuff maybe
00:40:29
not oh no this guy with a Tik Tock ha oh oh okay I think he's
00:40:38
the he had his nether regions knock the pole off now I had heard this is on purpose is this
00:40:45
possible for uh I you could say it he did it on purpose but he couldn't do it
00:40:52
like 10 times in a row he's this is a pter who hit his uh unit private bag
00:40:59
that made the bar fall off so you go way over and he came down on it if he intentionally did that I don't know if
00:41:05
you could do that every time that's almost harder than just clearing I mean you're trying to get your arms back
00:41:11
everything back so you're H in a weird way you're pushing your wiener out because you're getting everything back
00:41:16
and you don't really think about that you want to create space the guy who wanted doing like a 25 foot fall he's on
00:41:24
he he you you go into kind of a curl so the bar is really kind of your you're concave it's it's sort of inside your
00:41:31
waistband but but but you put it this way if you're P alting the first R PO alting is do not let your penis touch
00:41:40
the bar on the way down and the funny doing John Kennedy if you could I love John Kennedy from last week Senator lot
00:41:47
of comments on that um if you if you wanted to be a hater and you're out at a
00:41:52
bar with this guy you go oh here's a guy that knocked it off his wiener and all the girls like ooh and then you go yeah
00:41:59
and you know pole vaing is such a precise sport that you could be just you could miss the bar by a quarter inch and
00:42:05
you'd still win so you have at least an eighth of an inch wiener and he's like wait what they're like oh it might be a
00:42:12
quarter even to knock that bar off and everyone's like huh but he was seen before he started
00:42:19
down the runway with his hands in his pants Oh was he slapping it it was just
00:42:24
his hands were in his pants they have a video of w it up a little Chub yeah yeah I know that trick he he has a deal with
00:42:31
Netflix he's going to do a short film with Hulu he has a small t tour Atlanta
00:42:37
I guess he's playing tasse only fans I mean listen Dana if you were one of these Olympic athletes you're going to
00:42:44
blend into the crowd you're going to win or lose and you're going to go on your way you've trade trained for probably 15
00:42:51
years for this and then if you're not doing the next Olympics suddenly you have everyday free what are you doing M
00:42:58
so this is the place worldwide audience whatever you want to get out there get
00:43:03
the word out if you want to stuff your pants and knock the pull off and go hey I'm the guy with a wiener you want to
00:43:09
hire me for whatever let's do it well by the way he was hanging out with the Jamaican who who lost by 51000 and the
00:43:16
same people they go what place did you get well I didn't win I that's all I need to know no but but I hit my wiener
00:43:22
on big I yeah my
00:43:28
huge man one huge nut I got over the bar I got over the
00:43:33
bar but I had a passenger with me called my dick it's funny story I cleared the
00:43:39
bar that's all the time we have no no I cleared the because of my dick my di
00:43:46
no I have a partner there's two of us getting over the bar I have my unit and
00:43:52
me now I call it my sper after David Spade cuz I am a huge Joe Dirt fan we
00:43:59
had an anaconda situation and they brought out a Terminex because my my trouser snake took over the
00:44:07
Olympics well this guy bless his heart no I mean um next time where
00:44:13
Hooter clamp I've said this before in the podcast the Hooter clamp will clamp it into submission right sometimes I
00:44:19
take a chip clip I clip it to my balls that's one way you can always use a bunch of there's other there's other products out there but Hooter clamp kiss
00:44:25
it done long story short I'm okay next one M as you hear my computer go up oh
00:44:31
this is just a random story okay we're off the Olympics I guess story well Michael Jordan was in the Olympics uh
00:44:38
yeah his kid was seen snorting something by the way this is not a
00:44:44
blurry pop roazzi picture my head shots didn't come out this good uh and he's snorting something off a little spoon
00:44:52
could be baking so I don't know no idea I believe it was I I think my Micha Cade was there and Michael Cade said if you
00:45:00
like something to clear your SES a dig the Brit call Stu it's just a little powder it's not anything elist it's just
00:45:08
British and it stuff and if you'd like some Bish I could give it to you so
00:45:13
that's my take so it could be booger sugar it could be powdered Pepsi we don't know it might
00:45:20
be uh um hang ony jiy it's not a great look
00:45:28
I mean you don't want that picture out there I mean it's no wonder he's not that hungry look at him he's like I'm
00:45:34
falling I'm not most in the olden days people if they were doing something like that they go to the bathroom but now
00:45:41
he's out at a coffee shop with photographers around so maybe it was kind of a joke I think it's a joke I
00:45:46
think he did it as a joke like he's holding up kind of an eye dropper yeah look at look at me paps that's it yeah I
00:45:52
have no idea if this is true or false it's just you know Michael Jord like really I mean I probably doesn't get
00:45:59
that mad he's like come on guy I think knowing that it was just a joke um it's
00:46:05
probably Michael had they both had a good laugh he goes now you care that I'm his son now you
00:46:13
care oh I know that made it took a sad turn but you know people are looking for
00:46:18
usually negative stories they're not looking to pump wait a minute are you saying that no no I'm not saying that
00:46:25
I'm not saying people do people do like to take you down a notch okay what is
00:46:31
this who who are these two cuties who are these people this isn't oh North Korea North Korea d d
00:46:39
dpk yeah oh that spells North Korea okay I think so Republic the Republic of okay
00:46:49
so what did they win well I I just think like they have to win or they might as
00:46:55
well not go home oh yeah you don't go back and go yeah Kim Jong is like oh a
00:47:00
bronze that's awesome blam yeah hey you're because you did so
00:47:06
well you're GNA go camping in a camp great should I bring my sleeping bag you
00:47:11
won't need that in this Camp should I bring food and a bathing soup no you won't need anything you check into the
00:47:18
camp but you won't check yeah it's like the roach motel yeah exactly okay next
00:47:24
one all right there's only one more I'm trying to think okay I can't remember it was
00:47:30
about oh these two guys so this was for the Olympic gold for surfing this is
00:47:35
these are the two finalists and they go out in the water for a half hour and catch waves I think the guy in the red
00:47:43
only caught one wave so for 20 minutes there were no waves and these two dudes were just talking and finally they had a
00:47:50
recorder they was just like I don't know what's up me they're in the Olympic final just sitting on their board so
00:47:57
risky yeah you don't know when you don't know when the waves are coming and they were in like Tunisia or Puerto Rico
00:48:02
where were they no it was in Tahiti and there have been good ways but sometimes the ocean doesn't cooperate there was a
00:48:08
couple but there was at least 15 minutes in the Middle where they heard saying so I don't know if I'll marry her I could I
00:48:14
don't know yeah um you could just maybe borrow some surf wax yeah yeah you know
00:48:20
I think that it's very odd to be in the middle of nowhere you don't really feel like you're in the Olympics cuz everyone
00:48:25
it's fun to be inmp Village everyone's ripped 90% of them are like chiseled
00:48:31
beautiful men and women and they're all just hanging out going with from other countries how fun and this is just
00:48:37
you're on an island but they stay on a boat which is beautiful they stay on a yacht and that's the difference they
00:48:42
stay in the most beautiful yacht like a Bezos type yacht and they need waves unless that french guy who did Pooh
00:48:49
River and then messed up the village I will do it I I will do indoor waves no
00:48:55
he goes we'll make that full of poop just give me a couple extra weeks and you say ocean full of poop that sounds
00:49:03
funny it won't be where do you get in it I just made the poop River I only
00:49:09
touched my toe at it one time okay oh who is this person so um I sorry I can't
00:49:16
remember her name she's lovely is that Sunni is that her name is she could be
00:49:21
American she's an American and she's um you know you know
00:49:26
Simone biles these she fell this other person fell it was a Fall Fest and they
00:49:32
said that sometimes it's sort of catching or the beam is wrong right well
00:49:38
the beam whoever made the beam is a torture artist because at some point they were making the beam in 1896 and
00:49:45
he's like hey should make the beam a little wider they could fall off a lot the guy said no that's a perfect width
00:49:52
meanwhile broken Limbs and Os bruised egos but they all started falling and
00:49:57
one of the reasons is is that when they're doing the Olympic trials there's music on and the crowd can go oo and a
00:50:04
there's ambient noise in Paris they want it dead quiet and then their teammates would go woo It Go and then the the
00:50:12
people in the audience were shushing them and you're on the balance beam
00:50:17
trying to do three backward Som results on a thing an inch wide so that you know you hear the shushen and then you do a
00:50:23
nose dive honestly Dan you just hear your heartbeat because it's just too dead silent it's too scary it's fun to
00:50:29
have all music and [ __ ] like hey let's just blend it in uh just anything that get out of your head yeah yeah this is a
00:50:35
prototype for the pommel horse and uh it was too wide it was too painful too wide
00:50:41
people fa failing so they go we got to use it somewhere let's make the girls walk on it terrifying they always hurt
00:50:47
themselves Sunni Lee is a girl am I right she's on Olympic team she won last
00:50:54
time but anyway great Olympics this year uh there's more to come but we only got to cover it all the way till now it's
00:51:00
almost over and thanks for listening and watching thanks for listening watching and if you want to we're supposed to say
00:51:08
this it's in our contract you can smash smash that subscribe yeah don't don't
00:51:13
just push it you have to smash smash it and uh there are enough
00:51:18
comments on YouTube I think it's nice to read the comments because it does shape us if I hear something a lot that they
00:51:25
do or don't like I like to hear do you have any constructive criticism they want to share with of the own oh
00:51:31
about you oh just real quick I can't CVS receipt full of notes for you I can't
00:51:38
look at comments because I my inner monologue is so much more negative than
00:51:43
what I read that I'm I don't need we're crazy people but surprisingly YouTube it
00:51:49
keeps it keeps getting more and more comments and people are saying honestly shockingly for YouTube nice things so
00:51:57
uh it was good that's nice we're yeah well this is fun yeah fun to do and to cover the Olympics is in our own little
00:52:04
sort of funny yeah we covered it this is was enjoyable I I I'll just close with this I mean I have loved the Olympics I
00:52:12
love when it got away from politics and all that and it was just these athletes well trained dealing with the pressure
00:52:18
crying hugging uh just feel good Olympics I'm going to say it's a good
00:52:24
family thing to do at night everyone talks them and I think they're good it's two weeks too which is crazy CU every
00:52:30
last night I was like there's a race and then 2 minutes later okay they're lining up again I'm like oh another one oh there's another one drama drama drama
00:52:37
and handball and badminton and volleyball and just you're riveted by
00:52:42
Sports you would never watch except for the Olympics yeah you're like hang on it's a steeple chase I don't even know
00:52:47
what it is actually steeple chase they run and then they jump for no reason then they jump in water for no reason
00:52:53
I'm like what are you running to work I was trying to mimic I guess Ancient Man or something three barriers and then you
00:53:00
go over the water but yeah that's a brutal sport I am familiar with that but I saw one-on-one badm and they were
00:53:07
going so fast it was just funny yeah pong bad it's unreal yeah um but I think
00:53:15
uh overall good job Olympics you did a great job and uh good job I it's not an easy thing to pull off and guess what
00:53:21
and see you in LA in four years
00:53:27
this has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade Jenna Weiss fman
00:53:34
of Odyssey Heather Santoro and Greg Holzman hope you liked it
00:53:40
[Music]
