00:00:00
people don't hate on the fade of whatever my haircut's called but they really scout me pretty good well let me
00:00:05
can I ask you a question about that and this is this is this is off the cuff completely unplanned like sure what were
00:00:12
you thinking i mean what what I mean cuz are you in active litigation with your barber well my dad and this is no joke not getting
00:00:24
around here he'd put a bowl over your head or you know and then he'd shave around the sides and um worked right and
00:00:32
you know it'd go real close right there and u Well what why that's called the fade all the young people is that that's
00:00:39
what you have the fade that's the word I've heard but really it's Yeah I like it a little long in the back it's a
00:00:44
little slightly mlly yeah Heather likes it it's fine i think it's pretty good it's just it's all nice the first day
00:00:50
and now I go on the road i'm actually doing some soft packing right now today don't don't get me wrong it's a it's a really cute little little cut i mean it's a d it's a darling style on you i I
00:01:03
I I'll say listen it's a mighty cute cut it's a m You know that bit right did I ever do that in this 80s for you or you just know it from here i know it because me and my friend Jody do it you
00:01:15
can say it well okay so folks this is literally goes back to one of my this is late7s in college and I said that men
00:01:25
men this I don't with the setup certain things men and women are different men and women are
00:01:30
different like a man would never walk up to another man with a new shirt on and go I gotta say that's a m cute top you got on there something like that right
00:01:41
yeah it's mighty cute top m cute top so even then it was like a catchphrase I'm king of the catchphrases but I like your wave looks good whatever it's called
00:01:52
fade wave but you know when you were a kid and you got that little bull cut you're not out trying to get some puss
00:01:58
you're not trying to bang bee i mean you're just a kid right so you don't you're not heading to the Golden Globes just get the hair out of the eyes that's
00:02:04
all the parents are saying beef you mean make love to someone you mean make sweet love and intercourse yeah I think that's
00:02:11
what I meant came out wrong well we we would um you know basically we got crew cuts and my dad would basically shave our heads and we look like biller balls and my mom would come in and go Dana in
00:02:24
the side pocket uh it's the easiest cut to do I guess uh I by the way speaking of the award shows I saw the AMAs i saw clips you're the one who saw it these this that snuck up on me i didn't know
00:02:37
it was on until eight minutes before and I said "Nah you're gonna do it." Well the AMAs CMAs AAA towing i mean are there is there any difference i don't
00:02:48
know what they are i don't know which ones mean more mean less straight A's uh double A batteries you
00:02:55
understand the Oakland A's right your turn uh double D's batteries pervert double A's [ __ ] yeah so uh anyway the AMAs JLo's out there huffing and puffing
00:03:08
and I gotta admit bless her heart miss she has her goddamn pedal to the metal she does not let off the gas she is 12minute cold opening my god and she always looks
00:03:20
great she looks She looks incredible i don't know if this is true but I read on I don't know where I read it that she
00:03:26
will actually have her assistant chain her to a stairmaster at a 10 so she won't get off of it cuz Oh a stairmaster not even a treadmill
00:03:41
i'm going back to the 90s man well you know I mean here's here's the thing and this is a kind of a news flash for
00:03:47
people who are still listening at 426 or watching that working out your ass is the most important thing you can do and women in the gym and certain well I guess I'll just say it gay men and women
00:04:00
would do a lot of glute exercises straight men would go I ain't working mo no ass and that is the most important muscle group for your back for
00:04:10
everything else so plus girls check out booties too so you know you got to try to give them everything uh I will say
00:04:18
she did the cold opening she hoofed it out you know a little tap dance little whatever she does looks great and then at the end Oh she kisses a guy dancer then kisses a girl dancer
00:04:30
you got to have a little clickbait that old chestnut and that is click in the box let me write that down yep okay all
00:04:37
right here we are uh oh here we go okay oh that's a good one she got in there grabbing hair oh okay listen it works madonna did the VMAs that was the first
00:04:50
time I saw two girls kiss i was like "Oh the next level of that is you kiss that
00:04:55
and then you go over and you kiss the cameramen." Oh is that one well mix it up do something kiss the camera maybe
00:05:02
like Right oh I did that as Hans and Fron years ago oh sorry sorry that That was a cold open to Well we did a It was If Hansen Fran made a
00:05:15
video with candle light and wine and stuff and we're seducing women yeah well listen my little dumpling and then I was licking the lens i'm not proud of it but Lauren said "Um it wasn't your proudest
00:05:28
moment." Maybe this week a picnic with Hans and Fr you're like "Yep." Anything with Hans and France is funny it's funny give me the applesauce yeah and if you think you could do it better than me and
00:05:40
eat applesauce with your gummy mouth think again you're a flabby loser you think I use a spork
00:05:48
well it's like these two insecure paranoid schizophrenics having this cable show with maybe two people watching threatening them for not and if you don't think we're properly pumped up
00:06:00
that was the end i love it so I do like that uh we'll tell you quickly before I go over your weekend i did nothing spend most of the day and night yesterday going to see Mission Impossible
00:06:16
um was was it as good as the sequel good good good good as good as the prequel is
00:06:23
it good i heard it was good well it's a little bit like it's the eighth one so a
00:06:29
little bit like Fast and Furious do we need eight well it's sort of how can it I don't
00:06:37
want to first of all no spoiler i'm trying not to do spoilers don't do spoilers just I won't when he dies at the beginning
00:06:45
that feels like a spoiler no no you could tell you could tell if you would is not going to die beginning so no the
00:06:52
funny thing is it's AI centric the plot i like the the last one was all about AI
00:06:59
oh it was mhm yeah maybe oh because they kept saying this is a standalone movie maybe it was supposed to be the second half of that one i don't know i think anyway the crew is back
00:07:12
and his girlfriend is more age appropriate she's only probably 30 years younger this time that's great um anyway
00:07:20
that's funny well Tom Cruz uh you know I don't know what people do these days but he's got a great mop of hair he looks very
00:07:31
good air is very mopish like it's first of all it has to be it's wind blown in every scene he's on a propeller he's on
00:07:36
a submarine he's it's just getting blown all over and the funny thing is of course I watch because in the new world
00:07:43
you go Tom Cruz he's older than me but I go you know he looks good obviously but
00:07:48
then I go oh he's a little puffy and this then you get in this world of like if he looks a little old you say he
00:07:55
looks old if he looks like better you go he's had work this is you can't win these stars can't win the only way to
00:08:01
win is just go havsies now he's got chestnut brown hair full mop and chestnut i had a friend uh Gary Prince from New York and you know he would always look at someone in their 60s and
00:08:13
he go give me a wait a minute not one gray hair not one but I don't judge any of it because look I figured this out last week and I don't know if I told you but you are the product so Tom Cruz Yeah
00:08:27
is he is the product and we want Tom Cruz we don't mind him looking a little older but we don't want Grandpa Cruz so
00:08:34
do the little fillers do a few things just don't look turn into a freak that's David right i think the idea and you're
00:08:41
right about this product thing is you are the product you have to sell yourself you're the Twinkie and Twinkies
00:08:47
always stay the same now if Twinkies look old and beat up you don't want them anymore exactly and Liam Niss at 77 they
00:08:54
put him in an overcoat now I don't like what you're saying all he has to do is go like that and they cut got so Tom
00:09:01
Cruz in a big coat liam Niss's wearing Spanx you know but he's 6'4 yeah go ahead so Tom Cruz looks good i mean this movie I was comparing it like many of us
00:09:15
to Bus Boys and I was like you could fit three Bus Boys i mean this movie is long it's so complicated bus Boys we're trying to make it very simple i mean our audience is going to
00:09:27
be 2 to 5year-olds so we're like let's make it the simplest thing we're two bus boys that want to become waiters straighten out our life that's called a lowbudget comedy they never call it a
00:09:38
lowbudget action adventure with Tom Cruz that doesn't exist dude me getting out of the car is our only stunt well me going like this
00:09:48
well let me ask you a question yeah we're not going to give away anything no but did you ever say did you go alone to
00:09:54
the movie theater you know you kind of go solo were you with someone i've gone uh in my more Twilight years to the
00:10:01
movies alone if I feel like it i don't really get worried about it but I did go with someone last night yes so was there ever a stunt where he's hanging by his
00:10:08
pinky from the Golden Gate Bridge or whatever he's doing jumping out of a rocket ship did you ever say to yourself
00:10:14
or out loud in the theater "Get the [ __ ] out of here." Yes you did well when a giant that looks like the peanut Eminem cartoon but it says AI on
00:10:25
it and he's like fighting AI i'm like that seems a little cheap no actually I'm going to go down Heather here we go i'm switching watch this everybody talk about stunts what does he do what mickey
00:10:37
Rooney just showed up give me some heist so listen tom Thomas Mopathther Cruz comes out and the movie's a little lengthy we There's a couple things we
00:10:50
don't need i came in a half hour late and I nailed it almost perfectly saw Nicole Kidman come in she still gets a
00:10:57
smattering for that goddamn AMC commercial where she walks yeah by the way there's three
00:11:03
commercials and four 9m minutee long previews let's go let's go well they picked Nicole Kidman because actually they announced that this week she will not be filming a live streaming show and
00:11:18
it went global so for Netflix that's why she's like enjoy the movies cuz she hasn't been in a movie theater in a while well actually Baby Girl she did where she go pee pee i go pee peep yeah she
00:11:31
she was on all fours and was licking the milk you know but I mean who doesn't do that they said it was kinky really you
00:11:38
want to see my audition for Baby Girl that's me drinking the milk then I go I can I go pee pee that's what she says right something
00:11:49
like that well there's a plethora do you remember you went to state school is it kinky there's a plethora of movies with
00:11:56
women of a certain age like say late 40s to early 60s becoming highly highly erotic and sexualized and Nicole Kidman is is the
00:12:09
queen of that right now and I I commend her she's a great actress very pretty um
00:12:16
she's u great just great in everything she does saw saw her in LA when she was in
00:12:22
SNL saw her in Australia dana oh you can you never told me about that ran into her smack dab in her hometown and what' you say well well golly gee
00:12:36
Miss Kidman I did pick some wild flowers for you would you not no my friend was embarrassing what did you What did he do the quick story there's no quick story she was perfectly lovely in SNL i saw a
00:12:49
restaurant once after SNL she said hi to me uh so at least she remembered sort of some of the cast and crew she's cool
00:12:56
very polite yeah so I'm I go to the Jod premiere in Australia but we go the night before were invited to the Baz Lurman movie you know what is that called where is Baz Lurman yeah that guy
00:13:09
yeah was that called mullen Rouge you did that mulan Rouge yeah it was yeah how did Dana get that before you cuz I
00:13:16
did an event there dana's listening i'm actually listening no no mulan Rouge so we go and they have every cinema that's what they call it and they have booze there so me and my friend go in
00:13:29
and my friend's you know sort of a super plus one and he's open immediately wasted he's baked you know he got weed from the bodyguard so Bulan Rouge is
00:13:40
like watching you know sort of a strobe light so it's not exactly for me it's dancing it's fanciful and there's lights
00:13:46
and Yeah and she's in it it's the premiere we go in me and my buddies say you know I got a feel for it so we go let's go to the bar so we go to the bar
00:13:56
we're coming back no one's in the lobby anymore mhm two bodyguards Nicole Kidman sitting there holding her
00:14:02
shoes and I'm like and he goes "That's Nicole Kidman." I go "Is we walk up and she's on like a little tiny love seat couch you know and uh the two bodyguards are there and she goes "Um," she goes
00:14:15
"Oh hey." I go "Hey." I go "This movie's great." And she goes "Oh why are you out here?" And I go
00:14:22
popped didn't think there'd be a follow-up question so then blah blah blah and then she goes "Oh why don't you
00:14:28
sit down?" And my buddy sits next to her before I can move my buddy Heather's not
00:14:34
surprised she knows him sits down next to her and I go "Oh." And the bodyguard's like you know they don't know i don't know if they know me they
00:14:40
don't know anything but she's being friendly and this is right after she broke up with Tom Cruz so they're they're you know she's like Lady Diana
00:14:46
down there they loved her oh yeah so bodyguards like this i'm like this waiters like this sharks like this and
00:14:54
so I say blah blah blah and then I Oh I can't even say what I said but it was I was a little What's You can say it on
00:15:01
this podcast i think I said something like "Oh she had a This sounds so horrible and she'll kill me cuz it was embarrassing to her i'm sure I said something to the apologetically effect
00:15:15
of cuz she had her I think she had what i think she had slightly barely hairy hairy legs well so she's wearing a a just just
00:15:29
because she's so faint red head i don't know and she said "Oh are you noticing that my legs are hairy is that not normal?" And I said "Oh I just think you
00:15:41
know I think I joking was like well hey the marketing campaign's back on you got She goes "Oh my god I have to shave my
00:15:47
legs i just shave them I don't know below the knee or whatever it was." And uh I said "Oh yeah
00:15:53
I don't really know for sure all the rules." And then my buddy goes "The whole setup was not that weird except my
00:16:00
buddy leans over and goes "I think you have great legs." Touches from the knee down to her foot whoa everyone froze the bodyguard's like "Ramjet ramjet eagle
00:16:12
eagle bogey bogey." Wow crazy crazy did someone put hands on your Yeah they go "Hey sir sir sir." Yeah yeah you can't we were all like "Yeah you can't you don't touch the princess of I've had two
00:16:26
celebrity tapouts and the celebrity tapout is uh like I I'm happy about it." Like I was at an event and um Julia Roberts was over the way and I I for
00:16:38
some reason I thought I should say hi we were going to do a Shakespeare thing and
00:16:43
uh she's I like celebrity tapouts go ahead just celebrity tap outs so I started to walk over with a big [ __ ]
00:16:48
eating grin and then I saw her kind of look down like that cuz I understood she didn't want the hey you know I got to say you know when you did this movie or that movie so then later on it's Tom
00:17:03
Hanks's event we'd go there and read Shakespeare and act goofy at a theater and and she was uh so we ended up having
00:17:09
lunch around this big table and she was super cool so I use my trick that never has failed and I go to the person next to me I can't remember what movie star it was and I said "Have you
00:17:21
ever had a supernatural experience besides meeting me?" And then everyone goes around and has a everyone goes around with a poltergeist scary story and everyone
00:17:34
gets excited the only one over by himself this is like six movie stars and me is Keano Reeves seated by himself facing away and we're like come on over
00:17:48
and that guy is the coolest but oh my god but I also had the same thing i was in I don't travel much but I was in
00:17:55
Paris in a cafe in the morning with with my wife and I don't like small town drop
00:18:01
city drop oh here's a here's one you won't expect little little Parisian cafe late morning guy comes in he turns he sees me and immediately turns away so I
00:18:13
don't know if I'm recognizable in that way but he immediately turned away and then I pivoted and turned away and that
00:18:19
person was guess Gary Oldman Walk Phoenix good who was the coolest I know y but I didn't want to have small talk with him and he didn't want to have small talk
00:18:30
with me you know so Oh yeah he's cool I'd Waen Bonichio Keanu all those guys are the
00:18:38
cool guys out there i love it love it kiano Reeves is u Oh god uh I don't think I mean he was Ted i was G we could have been Ted it
00:18:51
was Bill and Ted was he Ted bill and Gar ted bill and Gar and Ted and Wayne that would have be the matchup you know what
00:18:57
that should have been a big Well with chat GBT look for that soon let's look at a clip let's look at clip julie
00:19:06
Roberts huge star by the way uh absolutely okay absolutely an incredibly nice once she saw I wasn't going to be
00:19:13
slobbering on her and fanning out and was regular [Music] dane I'm a little bit of a a spendy Suzie if you know what I a a boozy Suzie
00:19:30
and a spendy Suzie i'm more of a boozy Susie but yeah yeah you are you are a spendy spender yeah and a lot of our uh
00:19:37
listeners are nice enough to write in and say "You look like you drank a lot and slept on your face." But that's just
00:19:43
constructive criticism well it's very concise and uh you don't really drink very much i'll tell the fans but just puffy uh this is where Clara comes in
00:19:54
cla is your everyday smarter spending partner which is what a lot of people need a lot of my friends definitely need
00:20:00
it it allows you to make smarter decisions with your money and it's sometimes good to have a partner like
00:20:06
that and I'll say it again CLA which I I assume is Swedish clara is your smarter
00:20:12
everyday spending partner shoppers can use CLA's paying for product to split their purchase into four interest free
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payments that's right here's some key takeaways listen up brother cla offers a paying for product where you don't have to pay interest i think that's a good thing you can pay with CLA at merchant
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00:20:49
ca resident loans made or arranged pursuant to a California finance law license nmls number
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1353190 clara balance account required cla may get a commission limitations terms and conditions apply i'm just going to do I'm just going to say it
00:21:10
it's a CLA summer i'm still embarrassed my Nicole Kimman story that I told you that and she was part of that disaster
00:21:16
but she was very friendly about it she's told the guys "It's okay it's okay." And then we excused ourselves and slinkedked
00:21:22
since this is a rare live podcast I'm just checking david Spade dishes about Nicole Kidman's hairy legs hairy legs but she don't even say that she is a
00:21:34
great person so there you go you're fine by the way should we do a live podcast or would that be It doesn't matter i
00:21:40
think it's Let's go to the YouTube comments point we should this is going to be released in 45 minutes so it's
00:21:46
almost live Greg has to do a three-week edit you know I want yeah I don't I don't I don't
00:21:53
think anything gets edited out of our stupid show no our stupid show that's the subtitle so by the way on Amazon
00:22:01
dandelion is still playing yes and uh thank you for bringing it up and I if I I'm sort of talking with them about a special and The working title is
00:22:14
sticker bush [Laughter] it's not That's the name of an Only Fans I follow oh yeah that's not exact you know I saw a dandelion today and I filmed it even though no one could give
00:22:26
a fat [ __ ] but I've seen three in a row in a patch of grass you will never believe this and they are all by themselves there's not any other there's just those i like the white ones i
00:22:38
didn't even know the yellow ones were dandelions just to be honest so I just like the fluffy white ones you know you
00:22:44
blow on them so they sit there very fragile they sit there and I'm like again I film them i'll put them on my stories but and then everyone will be so excited but let me ask you a question
00:22:56
crazy not crazy does the dandelion as a way of you know having kids and propagating seeds does it like to be blown on or would it rather have the wind take its stuff who would rather
00:23:09
have straight sex um no i think is that what it does the seeds go out do I i don't know that's usually about you know in the springtime the wind comes and the flowers go all
00:23:21
over the place and Oh that makes more sense college San Monteo i don't really but I did want to just sing the praises
00:23:29
of Amazon not just because you're on Amazon dandy Lion available right now on Amazon Prime is why in the [ __ ] is it so easy to receive and send
00:23:42
packages on Amazon compared to FedEx UPS or going to some the GAP site or anything usps they fight you they you know and I figured it out that
00:23:56
Amazon was sitting around okay we're going to deliver packages all right Wilson what's your idea well I'm saying
00:24:04
this and I'm only going to say it once what is it Wilson we're gonna leave the packages are you out of your mind we'll put a sticker on the mailbox or on the
00:24:14
gate and then they'll come drive to us and get the package otherwise it'll be stolen some will get stolen but we're
00:24:21
going to make a fortune if we leave the package because they don't fight you and
00:24:27
when you go on on Amazon Prime I sent my brother 20 pounds of peanut brittle for
00:24:34
a [ __ ] 99 and he got it two days later 50th birthday i mean it is so easy to receive and send [ __ ] on Amazon it's addicted but they are incredibly efficient i agree with you that they
00:24:45
said "Jenkins what do you think we should do what would make a better service?" And he goes "As fast as effing
00:24:52
possible we get them." You know you can order on Amazon i think Heather will vouch at noon and get it by like 5 that
00:24:59
day is that possible Heather yes you get it you can get it you pay but you get it
00:25:04
you pay $200 and get a phone cord but it works yeah during breakfast I realized I forgot my toothbrush and I order it and
00:25:10
I get it it's basically this you go to the post office you deal with the UPS their whole attitude is "What the [ __ ]
00:25:17
do you want?" Yeah get out of With Amazon it's like "Can we help you want to order again that's a really smart
00:25:23
thing ordered 12 hundred bottles of baby oil do you want to see us baby oil well
00:25:30
or whatever you do in your spare time i'm having uh practice freakoffs just just one case of baby oil just trying to trying to get the beats down see how they work but if you go to FedEx
00:25:43
sometimes Yeah they leave a sticker you have to drive to the middle of nowhere 60 miles away it's just not It's just
00:25:48
And and you when you try to order something online it's not Amazon you put in your credit card info you put
00:25:54
everything and then just red things come up no no no try again [ __ ] uh okay last
00:26:01
thing I'll tell you if that's the last thing you're saying I is I'm worried about here's a prediction and it's very bold Dana i want to hear it okay I think
00:26:13
you can handle it i'm going to I'm a little parched so Okay take a sip i feel like because of AI it might be the end of Instagram pretty much in a couple
00:26:25
years and and Only Fans because there's a there's when you go on Instagram what are you really looking at you're looking
00:26:32
at photos mhm they can be you don't know for sure if they're doctorred nope videos of people doctorred sports news they have you know they have like the
00:26:44
announcers going and this fat [ __ ] comes up to base he throws it out oh [ __ ] man i would have pissed my pants in that you
00:26:50
know and it's the real guy's voice and it's a real scene you don't know and they have newscasters going "Well in
00:26:57
more [ __ ] news today they tell a real story." And you're like "Did they say that?" Like and so it's getting so
00:27:03
blurry it makes me want to look at Instagram less cuz you just you'll send somebody something they go
00:27:09
"Fake dude this guy can't fall that far this truck can't jump like that." and you go well so it takes the fun out of it well look here let me set the table for you
00:27:21
okay Alphabet i.e google its parent company just released some videos i.e short films okay this week and they showed them alongside
00:27:34
another AI short film from a year ago it's extraordinary it looks like real people acting in real movies there is no real people there is no real set there's
00:27:47
card fac it's perfection so very soon if Bus Boys is a hit for the second Bus Boy movie all you need is to get a prompter
00:28:00
to go with AI and go Bus Boy the sequel this time Theo Vaughn loses the girl press the button sit down no you say and
00:28:12
you'll have voice too even stupider that's what it's called you You'll prompt it and then you'll have the movie completely ready to go on on Google or Amazon or in a movie theater and it'll
00:28:26
all be made up by a computer well people care about an AI movie not if they'll love it if they can't tell any difference that means if we say we went and filmed it
00:28:37
that's a good trick well here here's the deal can we can make Wayne's World 3 and
00:28:44
it'll look just like Mike and I 35 years ago oh I see mhm there might be something if it's maybe if it's your real voice not AI and Mike wrote it you guys write it so it's has some realistic
00:28:59
realism to it because I don't know if everyone's going to buy just they might it's that's so you know I'm just more
00:29:05
nervous about it because things seem fake everywhere then well that that definitely you can't believe anything you see and it is terrifying that that they can make digital copies talking and doing obscene
00:29:18
stuff um but the studios I mean the cost of just having the computer make the movie but it looks just like Mission Impossible you don't have to get the helicopter up in the sky i don't I think
00:29:30
it's kind of inevitable dude tom Cruz does his own stunts you don't even need to with AI i mean he's hanging off this
00:29:37
he's on a biplane he's in a submarine he does some stuff that's so crazy i do see some easy
00:29:44
trims in that movie i'm no expert but if people are fidgeting they do they do go
00:29:50
full length on those movies yeah they they you know what they spend so much they want it all on screen i think that's what happens the thing is is that
00:29:57
the director they have to tamp Tom down because Tom Cruz seems to have no fear of anything and so he has suggested they had a biplane with a prop and he said "Put the
00:30:10
put the prop plane on get the propeller going full speed i'll put my head down and I'll sprint into the into the propeller through it." Yeah through the propeller and they explain to him Tom
00:30:21
Tom no the propeller's going to chew up your head and he goes "Come on man it's moving quite fast Tom they do have to
00:30:28
keep Tom under under wraps." He says "What if I have to propeller just trim me ball hair?"
00:30:38
Why are you like a pirate me ball hair sounds funny and they go Tom is that your
00:30:45
compromise it's your only compromise have they ever suggested a stunt to Tom Cruz where he said "Get the [ __ ] out of
00:30:51
town no way man that's too dangerous i don't think so you know what i'm trying to think of the one they said oh this is
00:30:57
the one he does and I'm like trying to remember from the movie where the one is like "Oh that was crazy." And I'm like I don't even remember where he's walking
00:31:03
on a biplane this has all been in the trailer he's hanging plane he's you know yada yada yada there's submarine stuff there's cold water mhm uh but I I do
00:31:15
feel like he's like uh I don't know a cartoon character like Marmaduke or something where everything bad keeps
00:31:21
happening to him i don't know what's a good cartoon character because he goes I'm just going to run to this submarine
00:31:27
real quick and then it's like he gets uh you know he's on the biplane he gets a splinter in his hand from the wing like it's just then he does this and they run out of gas and they it's like you
00:31:40
whatever is in front of him there's nine things that happen everything goes wrong
00:31:45
and you go whatever could go wrong it's wrong and he just goes and goes and goes but I don't know at this point what can
00:31:52
you say i mean we all saw him driving around James Cordon in planes and jumping out of planes and Yeah i just
00:31:58
want to know how to be less afraid of life you know yeah he's not afraid yeah I I'm on like a you know just a regular
00:32:07
Southwest Airlines and I'm kind of sweating he's he's hanging by me so anyway I overall it's it was worth
00:32:15
seeing because all that all that craziness there's a lot of fun to What about Lilo and Stitch [ __ ] them um 300
00:32:23
you know you know what that was harsh that was harsh i don't know i don't know who they are
00:32:29
yeah i don't If I saw Lilo and Stitch at the Golden Globes I wouldn't know who they are
00:32:36
um I would have No no no i I think it's Lilo and Stitch or Lilo and Stitch no it's all right there's too much content for It's not Yeah because of our age group it's not for me can't see everything i mean you're you're like an
00:32:48
award show guy you're never going to miss the Grammys or the M whatever i mean you're you're like you're you're
00:32:54
glued to the tube when some there's some someone's getting an award i'm glued to the Indies at Con to play at 1 in the
00:33:01
morning with a 45minute standing ovation is there any chance any chance you'll get nominated for Bus Boys for an Oscar oscar probably not what What could you
00:33:15
get fan favorite probably Rzzy i mean I we're always in danger of being up for razing anyone in these comedies that people just want to
00:33:29
Yeah I don't I don't Is that a word all right let's get to the hot stories we're
00:33:36
really wasting everyone's time they're just doing their dishes right now it's a little pressure i just like this title i don't know what this is about i like it already the human body is not meant to
00:33:47
piss every day toilets have made our bladder soft the human body is not meant to piss should be able to piss up to 30 feet what the [ __ ] is this
00:33:59
ai faster the distance is met the healthier your your urinary tract is let me write that down because I'm going to uh type it into a post later the faster the distance is met the healthier your
00:34:12
urinary tract is that's exactly right it's kind of like a larynx expound on that have you ever seen a healthy larynx
00:34:18
i've seen scans when you're looking at a scan of a healthy larynx sound is coming
00:34:24
out you can measure sound you in terms of how hard it's um All right i like the guy that write writes "I'm trying to get mine to 35
00:34:34
ft." Dude mine barely makes the commode the commode is that the bathroom yeah i don't know to think if I ever did any kind of urinary Have you gone all day without peeing never
00:34:49
um I Well nope unhealthy unhealthy we go you're defeated you go Well we talked about that if you have surgery you come out of surgery it doesn't have
00:35:00
to be major surgery then you either have at a certain point they they say you got
00:35:07
to pee or I'm going to have to cal you so yeah it's like a pencil they go "What is bigger than where it's going?" A full pencil okay let's get that size oh my
00:35:18
god then the nurse and two guys from Game of Thrones ram it into my wiener yeah i never heard you scream oh Heather said she has never heard me scream that loud as in the room she was down the hall and
00:35:34
when the nurse goes "Okay you woke up from your hernia you're all good you made it now the part
00:35:41
I don't like to tell you about see this looks like a slim gym we're going to ram
00:35:48
this i go "Why are you waiting i was asleep for 5 hours you wake me up for the worst pain of my life." And then she does it and I was
00:35:59
like Richard Beller said he took his cat in and the guy had to check his butt so
00:36:05
the doctor takes his huge finger and rams up the cat's ass and the cat goes [Laughter] meow okay Heather you okay when this
00:36:18
fake story about a cat Heather's mad about that whatever happens to me with a doctor any kind of checkup or anything I
00:36:24
say "Yeah let's do it let's do it." Any kind of anything I do that that would be embarrassing I always go the opposite
00:36:31
there's men are too embarrassed and I go get let's do it let's go for it so go you have to whack off into this uh glass for a sample i go leave the door open where you going exactly where you going
00:36:43
mhm and they want you to give a urine sample and go if you got a bigger cup doc you know
00:36:49
[Laughter] um Lord's preserves yeah i used to do this bit of uh this is kind of in the the general area a bit I dropped because it's kind of blue for me you know ears
00:37:02
nose and throat it's kind of specific you know what do you do here i do ears I nose and throat anything else no it's
00:37:08
just ears nose and throat and then next door is a guy with a shingle he's a doctor goes toes balls and ass that's
00:37:14
all he does toes balls and ass just three things david shoulders nips and pubes i was waiting for And that was a good one something is funny ears nose
00:37:28
and throat you know can you can you can you help me with my my uh my no nope i'm
00:37:33
just ears nose nothing about it nothing with the ear i go ears nose and throat what about the eyes get the Get your eyes don't even know how they work don't have no idea i have a pain in my No ears
00:37:44
nose and throat mhm all right next story next story we got that one good we got that one good it's got to be the craziest road rage I've ever seen so she walks up road rage here you go Heather
00:37:54
pulls up her dress and diarrhea all over her face what walks back i like the term diarrhea smiles for the camera did she just diarrhea on my car yeah how can you just
00:38:07
diarrhea on command like that that is hot when kestered ready to go for anyone who pops off wherever her destination is
00:38:13
she's showing up on an empty tank oh really i don't think we should be allowed to show videos that are that sexy i don't think it's fair dude is this Only Fans
00:38:27
what are we watching that's a keeper that's a keeper you want a girl that can diarrhea when you're mad at someone hey
00:38:34
go diarrhea on them um well we've covered urine and feces i don't know what uh Look at We work a little blue this week it's fine we're It's an adult show we're not making up
00:38:47
this happened out in the world so we're just reporting the news i'd say it's um Don't hate the play or hate the game mhm
00:38:54
okay okay monkey look at Monkeyy's the dog oh and he paints monkey a one-of-a-kind artist who also happens to be a Belgian Malin Craigslist puppy monkey has
00:39:08
achieved fame not only for his trick roles but for his extraordinary jump in a puddle as a painter under his nose
00:39:18
[ __ ] off monkey there's no way creating artwork that is true monkey you lying piece of [ __ ] abstract pieces are
00:39:24
dynamic and expressive he's spinning his head around energy while maybe that one there's not that one there's not that
00:39:31
one i can't do that and precision no now they got a little funny making each creation a It's not even AI it's faker
00:39:38
monkey is the only dog in the world capable of producing artwork monkey is so has captured the heart of many setting him apart as a trailblazer in
00:39:48
the world of canine creativity unless you have a lot of paintings way to go monkey way to go it looks like your art a little bit what you mean like a monkey
00:39:59
could do it or a dog no you have artwork yes I do maybe I'll share it with the audience let's show it next week cuz I said I wanted one for my house in a long time ago i know cuz I thought it was
00:40:10
quite good and then uh remember it wasn't it wasn't monkey good but it was I called you when you um and asked you
00:40:17
to still want some of my artwork and I guess you just had a bag of Cheetos or something like I couldn't so I just hung up oh
00:40:25
yeah but I did want it still you know it doesn't You have some great stuff in your home but it's not valuable i mean it's not valuable yours no I'm just
00:40:36
saying you know no you have nice Oh yeah no mine's trash but it's not something for the walls it comes with the house i keep it yeah photos and stuff like that mhm okay we
00:40:48
realize we all agree both judges agree that Monkeyy's trying to [ __ ] everyone uh I thought it was a very
00:40:53
funny well done parody of a dog that could actually paint i think they were serious though that's the sad part
00:41:00
really I think it was a a joke and they did put the brush in the in the dog's face and have it go like that a little bit you know but do they go like this up close it's really good then they show him in his mouth he's
00:41:12
like doesn't know anything monkey go spinning his head around look dog people always want their dogs to be human of course you know and that's just the fun of it they're like you know like didn't
00:41:26
Oprah say it's just as profound as having a kid good getting a puppy how would you like to be a dog named after another animal that's embarrassing
00:41:37
oh so it's a dog and it's they called it monkey that is kind of cruel it's kind of rude actually i would have called it Yes go ahead i would have even if you
00:41:48
call it Jack or something now you're like "Oh you're like a human to me you're like a friend." If I had a
00:41:54
beautiful golden lab I'd call it larvi that's one of the top names try to stop monkey larvai larae
00:42:06
larvae i may get a dog soon but I'm I'll wait till I because I I really do love dogs they're uppers i mean they're just like excited
00:42:19
and stuff my friend got a little baby beagle would you ever do a beagle with a big floppy ears are sort of cute beagles are actually badass it's like beagles will go on your property look at a
00:42:32
gopher hole and and stand over it with it just and stand for hours not moving wait till a gopher comes and so they're actually really really cool you can do
00:42:44
stuff with them you know i know a girl that can come over if you have a gopher hole and then she'll squirt diarrhea in
00:42:50
it is there no end to this scatological I Well it was one of the hot news stories i know well look I did my toes balls and ass doctor so I I can't I
00:43:02
can't I'm not going to judge you you're a comedian no one's blaming you i'm the one that's filthy you're on this you're
00:43:09
good um I'm not a prude about it i'm trying to My what your favorite scatological joke no I can't say that but I don't know
00:43:19
that one yeah yeah i don't know i'm not that dirty my act is My act is probably R-rated but it's not really a No it's
00:43:25
just not it's not blue not even close no no all right next next one let's see what we got anything fun [Music]
00:43:42
mhm a closer look for you okay basketball oh this is how bad basketball's getting what is this oh it's like a foul or
00:43:53
something oh they all fighting it's a It's the beginning of a melee now they're just p Who is she she's Oh a mom
00:44:06
punches him oh a mom started that fight oh oh the mom comes and tries to take out Jack Harlo whoever that kid
00:44:19
is wow i do not want to get beat up by a mom but which one was mom number 12 Weber was that all the crowds this weekend what's that the car that drove
00:44:30
like hit a bunch of people this week oh oh and show that one i think it's a little too rough yeah it's bad well that's a dark Yeah yeah a little dark but uh
00:44:43
Yeah it's all right i mean listen the news is out there we're trying to protect America from the real news all
00:44:48
our listeners right we're just giving them little blibs and blabs yeah we want you to when you click off on this we
00:44:54
don't want you to go we want you to go "That was fun." Yeah even though we do break that rule sometimes okay next one let's see let's see
00:45:06
oh this is me when I'm angry and old it's a cat one watch oh another cat okay that's it [Music]
00:45:27
what was that was that slow motion or something i like it he goes he goes "That's you at a singles bar going up to a [Music] woman." I go "Hey good look good
00:45:45
looking cat cats are gnarly in that way you know okay same weight class cat versus dog who wins
00:45:57
i say cat because it's got the claws and the teeth and the energy they go they're
00:46:03
so fast they go crazy and they're all They're all kind of pent up and mad at all times
00:46:10
well I I had a I look at Heather to get a reaction she goes like this she's the great cat defender um yeah we
00:46:23
had a cat named Boots it was uh Oh right your stupid cat what was the joke he said cuz he had fur on his Well cat Boots would you know when you're a kid and the cat would find its way to your
00:46:33
bed i was on a bunk bed and get up and it would sit on my chest and its face would be looking right at me and it
00:46:39
would be purring and kneading my chest and purring and I'm looking at the cat in the eyes and I'm like I'm going is this cat getting off on this i know i think
00:46:53
they are that was my joke you'd say that i thought you said boots because he had
00:46:58
white on his feet or something oh no boots had Yeah we called him boots because of that because he had white
00:47:04
white you know but this is the one clever kids the one I wanted to tell you was my cousin who has dogs loves dogs
00:47:10
he's a really strong guy he's a palter and he always said well basically don't be afraid of a dog because all it is is
00:47:17
a mouth that's it just a mouth so a dog a big dog came running at him and he was
00:47:24
going out for a run he grabbed it and picked it up and threw it over a fence didn't hurt the dog so the dog is I next thing it knows it's on the other side of the
00:47:38
fence just so remember don't be afraid just pick the dog up surprise it pick it up and throw it over a fence if you're strong if you're strong
00:47:50
[Music] do you know Dana when I'm on a plane I I always wonder How long am I allowed to talk to
00:48:03
somebody's baby you know what I mean before it gets weird like I get about three questions i go "Hi it's one." Then
00:48:11
I go "What's your name?" Then they tell me and then I go "How old are you?" And then after that I go "What's your snap?"
00:48:22
Wait a minute is that a baby that you're talking about a toddler then no I'm talking about like you just see Let's
00:48:27
say you see like like an 18-year-old a 2-year-old cute and you're like "So cute aren't you cute?" Then that's how far you get you can't go "No you're really cute." You
00:48:41
can't change your voice you have to keep it like this so cute mhm you can't go really cute good-looking actually I know they even the baby or the toddler seems
00:48:54
patronized you're like "Yeah you know you want some candy or something?" They just They look at you like they're like
00:49:00
"There's a creepy old I'm three not two." Mhm we're trying to talk look at this ding in my nose can you see that ding it's fine i can fix it won't Mostly
00:49:11
won't you Oh you have a little nose issue okay we're going to talk about that next week mostly say to the parent
00:49:18
right adorable right you know oh adorable really a cute kid you got to keep it light like "Aren't you a cutie?" You can't go "Aren't you a cutie?" They
00:49:31
go "Okay well you know I have this little anxiety about flying but I am getting better." Okay but but maybe five
00:49:39
years ago there's a baby behind me and we're going down and the baby's starting to cry and we're about to take off and it was kind of rough weather so I'm feeling really anxious so the baby's
00:49:52
screaming was an actual soundtrack of what was inside my head so it's like I have sound effects too i like that
00:50:07
one and I'm thinking the same thing people are going to shut that baby up and go I'm just not screaming but that's
00:50:12
what's inside my head that's what it's like you're not a great flyer but uh you get through it oh still going thumbnail thumbnail
00:50:23
alert whoops all right well I think in hindsight in summary Dana we did a good job we gave him a high quality show i think it was good it's just two friends talking uh maybe it wasn't our funniest
00:50:37
it wasn't our darkest it wasn't our funniest this is episode it could have been our greatest podcast we try not to
00:50:44
judge you know it's episode 1,00 and 100 million mhm yeah don't be all right so we'll see everybody next week I guess uh next week we've got a doozy andor a
00:50:58
humdinger planned for you oh my god Heather's already here with us all right I'm going to jump off dana just give me
00:51:04
three steps okay this has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly is executive produced
00:51:11
by Dana Carvey and David Spade Jenna Weiss Burman of Odyssey Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman hope you liked it
00:51:21
[Music]