00:00:00
Oh, we've always we've never ended. Oh, sir, we've always starting. Trust me. Yeah, this is
00:00:06
And we don't really We don't really shoot out of the cannon at the beginning. Yeah, but everyone knows. So, I have a coat on. That's good. That's the first order business that everyone's psyched
00:00:18
about. And then Dana might have a new something in the background. People ask me uh sometimes, you know, off when we're when not on, they say, "What what's was what's stuff in Spades
00:00:29
background? What's it about?" And here's my reaction. I don't care. I don't even look at him. You think I'm looking at the background? Here's a good That's a good one. Eye
00:00:43
shut. I don't know. Here's one. You ever been been around a Karen? You know, a Karen. Yeah. for the elbows up and the one eyes
00:00:54
closed. Excuse me. Okay, we were here a half hour ago and I do not have a glasses. Chardonnay. All right.
00:01:01
Karen's Karen's the worst term. I know. What is it for men who are kind of dicks? Dick. A dick or a Doug. Do we have a name of a guy? We don't have a
00:01:12
Karen equivalent, do we? I there's there probably is. I haven't heard it because no one would dare call me because it would be lights out. [Laughter]
00:01:23
Never, I've said this before, never do a TV show and call it Lights Out because then when the lights go out, it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy, which was my favorite talk show, by the way.
00:01:33
Right. We should have called it Lights Never Go Out. Mhm. Yeah. If we do it again, we'll call it Lights On. And then you'll be like, and then they'll go, "Well, the lights out for Lights On."
00:01:46
Either that or just call it uncancellable. Welcome back to Uncanselable. If that's
00:01:52
a word. Oh, it's a Ken. Someone says it's a Ken. A Ken. Karen and Ken. And what are the characteristics of? I'm offended by both.
00:02:03
You get offended easily. No. Yeah. You know, not not to be critical or judgmental, but you're easil You're kind
00:02:09
of like, you know, both. I'm offended by you criticizing me being offended. I can't I look I' I've flunked algebra in high school. I don't need these kinds of questions,
00:02:20
dude. Everyone's been asking about my fantasy football drafts. All right, let me I want to know cuz I
00:02:26
want to see if I can possibly understand what that [ __ ] you're talking about. It's the one where I thought it was two minutes between rounds, but it was eight hours.
00:02:37
Yeah. On DraftKings. And so I'm not done. I haven't seen you in a week. I'm not done. I'm not even close to done. I've made about 12 picks. It's so I want to
00:02:48
say interesting, but it's more infuriating because it nags at you. You're like, "Wait." And it doesn't
00:02:54
alert you. So, I just look on. It's like, "Oh, you're up in 21 picks." I go, "Oh, better hold tight. That could be
00:03:01
six weeks from now." So, sometimes it picks up a little bit. God, Heather's such a disaster. The whole place is falling apart.
00:03:06
Is Heather doing the dishes in the background? Heather's doing the No, she's trying to stay awake during the story. She just
00:03:13
fell out of her chair. Floating. Well, anyway, that's the story. I'll play therapist on your fantasy
00:03:19
football. Um, David, um, you do this fantasy football 12 picks as a um, answer me this. What are what what are
00:03:29
you getting out of this behavior? What do you think? My dad My dad left me. God, you you
00:03:35
struck gold right away. My dad left me is like the answer to every question. Yeah, I think it's an escape. Fantasy football is a good escape from the chaos
00:03:47
of all the stuff going on in the world. Well, that's a great answer and I totally get it. What I I didn't think of this phrase and people ask me things that I do. Brain candy. Why'd you watch
00:03:58
that show? Brain candy. Why'd you play guitar? Brain candy. Just you got to chatterbox. The world's on fire. We're
00:04:05
all going to die. Ah, and then you go to Brain Candy. For you it's like number 33 from the Chicago Bears. David Spade
00:04:12
picks Flake Knike. Yeah. And then he does badly and it ruins my whole week. Yeah. It's fake. It's drama that has no It can actually make you mad. And that's it's like golf or something like I golf
00:04:25
and then you can actually I don't get quite as mad at golf as you would think uh when I screw up. But
00:04:31
when when I fantasy football, you get your buddies and you guys all get in arguments. It's it's so ridiculous. I
00:04:38
think that ritualizing fun things and having your brain decide that it actually matters when it really doesn't. Like my brother was so into the 49ers.
00:04:49
When the 49ers would play, he'd build a a ritual shrine. I mean, the whole room was too much. And then he got a puppet of Joe Montana.
00:05:00
Oh boy. And on third and long, he would do kind of an exorcist type thing. He go, "The
00:05:05
power of Joey compels you. The power of Joey compels you." Hut one. Hut two. The power. And he would throw it at the TV.
00:05:11
Usually it would fly over the TV. And then if the throw the power of Joey compels you, this little Joe Montana. And then if Joe scored a touchdown, he had a 49er football helmet full of beer.
00:05:24
It was a special thing. And everyone had to take a drink of the beer. So I go, "Yeah, this is like a small life. This
00:05:31
guy's making something pretty exciting." People do make sports a big deal and it is fun. I I do like football season.
00:05:37
Mhm. I will tell you, not to change subjects, but I might have a solution to these ice raids everyone's mad about. Ready?
00:05:43
All right. It's a horrible solution. Okay. Heather looks up. All All ears. Heather can't wait.
00:05:48
The solution to the ice raids. Go. Cuz cuz in California, it's a big deal. So they they they've been coming around
00:05:55
and they take people Yeah. and they put them in a van. You don't know for sure what's going on. So maybe
00:06:02
if they just made one tweak, instead of immigrants, they grab homeless people and then they throw them in the van and we don't know where they took them and then they're all gone. What?
00:06:13
It's not a I mean I don't know how many people would fight it. It's like oh your words, not mine. Now your idea is
00:06:19
to substitute illegal aliens for homeless people and you never know where they where they went. Is that your plan? Your words, not mine. Yeah. What's your plan?
00:06:31
I I pleaded the fifth. I would say, you know, they talk about Epstein Island, just homeless island just and have it be fantastic. Take an island out
00:06:43
in the Pacific. Make it beautiful condos, everything. We have about 70,000 in California. And just say, "Do you want to?" And do it fantasy life cruise, you know, go out there. Um,
00:06:56
I mean the billions they're paying or throwing away or not using, it's like you have all these billions and billions
00:07:02
is a lot of money. So say we're going to rent all the Carnival cruise ships and we're going to say take everyone here and then they have
00:07:09
or take them out to Burning Man and set up a whole camp. I don't know. I used to do a Trump thing. They need
00:07:16
ice. You got to have ice. They say the glaciers are melting. I know how to make ice. I can make a lot of ice. I'll take
00:07:22
all the ice from the Trump hotel. I'll put them on the Carnival cruise ship. They're friends of mine. I know these
00:07:28
people and we go and we make glaciers. Sorry, I snuck that. Actual ice. Actual ice. You can get all the ice from
00:07:34
the Trump hotels. There's a lot of ice. I can tell you that. I can promise you that. It's a tremendous amount of ice.
00:07:39
You put it on the Carnival cruise ships. They go up to Antarctica and they make make Oh, they add it. Oh, they make That's
00:07:45
not a bad idea. He's got a lot of questions for my bit. Well, we were just talking about the other. Great. I'll put down my number 10.
00:07:53
Jesus. Dana, we'd like to uh talk cross examine your bit. I have a quick thing for us today. This
00:08:00
was this will dovetail. So, uh that the only way to solve the Epstein thing is to have everybody go in
00:08:06
and testify. Like anybody famous, they go in and testify. Now, Mr. Pit, is that your real name? Yep. Have to your knowledge,
00:08:18
your words, not mine. My words, your nerds. Ever been on the Epstein island? Nope. And why do you say that? Cuz I was never on the island. All right. Well, chair, I
00:08:33
dismiss Mr. Pit. That's a good plan. It's Brad Pit. Yeah. Now, my next one is Mr. Sorene. Uh, were you ever on Epstein Island? No.
00:08:44
No. Because I don't like islands. I only like landmass. No gym. I like this that he says I prefer land mass land mass. I like land mass. I don't like little
00:08:59
girly islands. I like land mass. Well, all right. I hear you. Is he dismissed? I guess so. Dismiss. I don't want to work these bits out
00:09:11
because I know you're going to join in and they'll just be sort of fun. I know. They kind of run. I like it. I I go to an island. I do coconut curls.
00:09:19
You can work out wherever you go. Do you know that I I like when I when I hear other people
00:09:25
do Arnold, it makes me happy. It's so bad. Mine are always if this isn't better than talking. I
00:09:31
actually used to do this 20 minute bit called Predator Island. This is pre-Epstein where all the kind of
00:09:37
canceled men would go and it would be hosted by Arnold. Welcome to Predator Island where we take care of all the
00:09:43
Predator people. Look, there's Woody Allen. What are you doing here? Yeah, cuz you know, we think that, you know,
00:09:50
charge is false. You know, run. I lay down ground fire. Run, Woody. Run to the brambles. Wearing my khakis. Should have brought
00:10:01
some sweats. Yeah. Look, Rosie O'Donald is in racist looking. Look at Jesse Smlet. He's on Hulk's Mountain. Hulks Mountain. I like that.
00:10:14
lay down some ground fire. So anyway, that was my I like it. You You came literally loaded. Oh, that I am loaded. You know, I had a little extra in my orange juice.
00:10:29
My um mom I'm worried cuz sometimes she takes her dog's drugs. I thought it was by accident, but what? Come on. I don't I don't know if it's concerning, but like my Well, wait a minute. Sometimes she takes
00:10:40
her dogs. Is she Mr. only like tramodol or like because I think she ran out and she hurt her leg. And she goes, "It's the same thing." I'm like, "I don't know." Uh
00:10:55
she goes, "Davey, Davey, relax. It's just a pooch pill, Davey. It's just a pooch pill." We were uh we were all together on Fourth of July. Oh, she's like, "Davey,
00:11:07
go say hi to that lady over there." She said she was your biggest fan. Oh, why you're going to eat keep eating lunch? I
00:11:14
go I'll go over there in a minute. Oh, I don't like when you get like this. These are fans. I go, I know. I I literally
00:11:22
I'm always nice anyway. No, no joke. But I sometimes it's funny cuz right now she's got me on the hook for
00:11:28
two different things and she's like just texting me up the wazoo about it. I go, "Mom, oh my god."
00:11:34
You know, people get to her and then they go, "Just tell them to do this." And she's like, "Done."
00:11:40
parents, you know, parents parents and some having a child who got kind of lucky in free market America got on TV and then they just root for you.
00:11:51
Like I had my career was like a roller coaster, you know, when I was on a down slope, my parents would call me, they'd
00:11:57
be on vacation in Montana and my mom would go, "You sure got a lot of fans up here, Dana?" Yeah, that's very nice. My dad would go, "Oh, Jesus Christ. You got a lot of fans up here.
00:12:10
Yeah, I like it. It kind of picks you up because you think things aren't going good and it's always like up and down and they're always pulling for you.
00:12:17
Ideally, but she is for sure. Well, and the good thing too is when you're on SNL and you're dressed like a
00:12:22
tomato or with a clown nose on and floppy feet. You're doing this goofy sketch. Just check yourself for a second
00:12:29
and go look what I'm doing. Don't take it too seriously. I get paid to dress like a bagel.
00:12:36
Yeah, I I asked Jerry Seinfeld about that because I go, "Should I take it seriously?" No. Well, what should I take
00:12:43
serious? Nothing. Why are you taking it seriously? I did hear him yesterday on Instagram.
00:12:50
I love Jerry going like nothing matters. This is his latest advice. It's just it doesn't
00:12:55
matter. Like these things, these people that you think hate you, they'll be gone soon. Everything will just be gone.
00:13:00
You'll be gone. It'll all be gone. It's all gone. It's stoicism. It's a way to not take this this life too seriously. And
00:13:07
really, this is a a fact. I looked it up. That in the next in the next 150 years,
00:13:14
8 billion people will die. And then they'll be dead for at least a trillion years. Jesus. Brought to you by Bummer. God damn it. Let's go to a commercial.
00:13:32
All right. I want to show one thing that's probably on our videos. It was a Coldplay concert.
00:13:38
That was like yesterday, but I like whenever it was, you know, they go they show the Kiss Cam
00:13:43
in the audience. Oh, yeah. So, they show this guy. Fine. They're just jumping around.
00:13:49
Yeah. Oh, look at these people. Oh, all right. Come on. You're okay. What? Either they're having an affair or they're just very shy. That's Chris Martin. And they say it looks like they were having an affair
00:14:02
and they both got puffed. Well, let me see it again. Let me see it again cuz that that I want to see the Okay, they're on. They see Oh [ __ ]
00:14:09
Yeah. Yeah. That's an That's immediately he disappears. He drops. He got something to hide.
00:14:17
So he's a CEO of a big company and uh it's not confirmed. I'm just I'm just going to say putting that camera on them and what Chris Martin said well is more than that. It's
00:14:28
a cold play, brother. Oh, [ __ ] Yeah, it is. See, I did that. That's where he got the
00:14:33
name Coldplay because he would always embarrass people in the audience. He said, "I think I'm gonna name the band Coldplay." We put cameras on make fun of
00:14:41
him. I don't have I don't do it, Chris Martin. But you know who else? It felt like something that Mr. Freeze would do. Mr.
00:14:50
Freeze, I freeze you. Mr. Freeze. Mr. Freeze. I put the freeze camera on you. Now you're diving to the
00:14:56
headboard out of embarrassment because you're having an at least to fear. Run, run. I I laid down ground fire. [Music]
00:15:08
He played Mr. Freeze and Batman. And you know what? He was actually That movie sucked of all the Batman's, but
00:15:15
Arnold was great in Mr. Freeze. He's great. He was so committed to Mr. Freeze. Did you hear the Tommy Lee Jones Jim Carrey story where No. Jim Carrey comes in. He Tommy Lee
00:15:26
Jones is this serious actor. He's playing Too Faced. And Jim Car's playing the Joker, the Riddler, something
00:15:33
ridiculous. Uh he was the Riddler, I believe. Yeah. And he said on one of his days
00:15:39
off, he went to a restaurant. He saw him. This is I It sounds true. I don't know. I got to ask. But
00:15:44
I'll let you know. Jim sees him and goes up to him and says hi to him in his table
00:15:51
and he says it's been so fun doing this acting this movie with you and he goes you sir are not an actor you sir are a clown I am an actor and I'm in a movie
00:16:03
with a clown we are not the same that awesome well I've heard that story so many times I let's ask Jim Carrey I heard the same story but I think what
00:16:15
it was is that he was having dinner with Casey Kasem and he said that to to him and then
00:16:21
Casey said, "Let me answer this. You sir are not an actor. You are a clown. That's all you'll ever be. I'm Casey Kasem." And checking in at number five,
00:16:31
Prime Rib. And then Scooby on the table. Give me a right. Scooby thinks he's an actor. Scooby thinks he is an actor. What do you
00:16:43
think? Scoop. Ground. Ground. Clown. Oh, clown. Scooby has trouble with his L's.
00:16:55
I think this is I think Q&A with Shaggy and Scooby is and then the audience could try to figure out what the [ __ ] you're saying. Scooby, who do you think's a better actor, Al Pacino or
00:17:08
Robert Dairo? Which one can I say better? Rimro askino. I said, "Well, you said O at the end." He doesn't. I see.
00:17:23
Oh, that's a good one, man. Thanks for that. God, same amount of syllables. Scooby was [ __ ] on that one.
00:17:28
Scooby Scooby. Who do you think's a better actor? Scoo, let's see. Uh uh. Let me Don't put Scooby on a spot. Christopher Walkan or Leonardo DiCaprio?
00:17:42
Rio. It's easier to say. Rio. No, I give me a DiCaprio as Scooby. No, Scooby. I said Rio because Leo is easier to say as Scooby.
00:17:59
You don't want to rip on his voice box. Jesus Christ. Well, I'm g I've cast you as Scooby and me and Shaggy, but some
00:18:07
you do a great Shaggy, so sometimes I'll do it. Who are we? Okay, I'll do it. Who's a better actor?
00:18:16
Christopher. Wait, what the Christian Bale or Benio Del Toro? I don't know. Oh, he doesn't know. I didn't know he
00:18:28
could have an opinion. Look, look everybody. I'm working right now, bro. He goes, "You got any
00:18:37
sausages?" He doesn't want to get a quiz. He wants a [ __ ] sausages. That's what dogs like.
00:18:44
I don't know, Scoo. I don't like this. I don't like this whole bit. It's run into a ditch. Let's daddle.
00:18:55
I'm going to throw some ground fire. Zoinks. That's a good one. Yeah, I should use that word. Zoinks. Well, Scoob, I'm scared. There's a ghost following us. What What should we do?
00:19:10
Zoinks. What does zoinks mean? It means a lot of things. No, but Casey Kasem is the guy doing it. But but Scooby is higher. You're right.
00:19:22
And my highest compliment, I guess, were some comments like, "Hey, man. The dude sounds exactly like Casey Kasem not
00:19:28
knowing that Casey Kasem was shaky, but Shaggy goes a little higher octave like Scoo
00:19:35
Scoo. He kind of breaks. He's always Scoob. Yeah, it's Shag's kind of a puss. Is Shaggy always
00:19:42
on [ __ ] drugs or something? He looks like a burnout. Well, they made him into kind of a hippie burnout to
00:19:49
Well, let's go to the sphere. Scoo, I suddenly have double vision. I don't think I want to ride the matter horn today. Scoop, did you have those mushrooms?
00:20:01
Rut row. Rut row is the most famous. Rut row is the most famous. We never do it. Row row. All right, let's do more hot stories. Yeah, that's that's it.
00:20:15
Oh, so Britney, who we like, uh Britney did an Instagram post where she said um that she adopted a kid and uh but what that's exactly the reaction is
00:20:28
this. Well, first of all, we love Britney, but at some point when she was semi locked down, maybe
00:20:40
it wasn't a horrible idea. Maybe they know more than we know as an outsider that maybe she needs a little guidance.
00:20:49
Well, the what I love about the by line, oops, I didn't adopt a kid or a dog. Dot dot dot quote, just having fun online.
00:20:59
Well, I don't know if the team does that after or she does or I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, I know. The team we were talking
00:21:06
about the other day. It is amazing how much I hear that freaking word team. My team, your team, if I'm on a corporate
00:21:11
date, wherever I am of anybody, our team will get back to you. You have a team. You have a really big
00:21:17
team. You're looking at the beginning and end of my team. I don't have a team. You're
00:21:23
my team. Heather's my team. I do answer for you a lot. You know, I have I have residual Casey K and voice. Heather's my team. You're my team.
00:21:35
Sometimes I do a voice and I can't get out of it. When we do we're doing Yamava Casino
00:21:41
down here in Yeah, let's promote that. Yamaba Casino, one night only. Dannis Flarflow and
00:21:46
David Spudler with all their wacky shenanigans. There you go. Does Dana still need We
00:21:52
heard he needs uh his raisins cut in half and a bowl. And I go, "Yep." I just talked to him. I'm his team. And that's
00:22:00
what the team says he needs before he can go on. He can't do one impression without it.
00:22:06
Yes. What's your ritual? One minute before you go out so the fans can know. You have one minute, Mr. Spade. Ketchup mustard. Ketchup mustard. Actually, what I do do is I usually go
00:22:20
in the bathroom or the dressing room. If people are there and I don't want to kick them out, I go in the bathroom and I look at my notes and I go, I got to figure out the first minute what's going
00:22:27
on. Right when visualize what's going on out there, what are you going to say? You can get spooked like a horse. If you
00:22:32
don't know what's going on, you get thrown right away. It's hard to get it back. So, go out there, think of the
00:22:37
first joke, think of something about the city or whatever I want to do just about that before I sort of get into a groove.
00:22:43
But if you get a if you get if you come out on solid footing, then you can do better. Sometimes you get thrown by something in the audience or lights are too bright or something. You go like, uhoh.
00:22:56
What's yours? I'd say that I sort of peek around the curtain and try to catch a vibe.
00:23:02
Oh, you do? If there's a lot of hubbub, a lot of energy, then you're like I do that a little earlier when they announce the show and the lights go down
00:23:09
when the opener's on. I go look to say, "Oh, they're doing great." Yeah, earlier
00:23:14
I'm in an ice bath in the dressing room. You're in ice bath from noon to 5 just to wake myself up. But um I would say nothing defeats like
00:23:25
if you can have second show energy in a first show because when you have to do a second show, which is is more than twice
00:23:32
as hard, sickening. Yeah, they're tough. You just you just have that mode of like I just did. You know what I
00:23:38
mean? you're you're in much more of a good not judging yourself out there. I think it comes up for the first show cuz listen, we've all done the road where we do two shows a night is very common on weekends and we all did even
00:23:52
in the old days the heyday of clubs three on a Saturday but to get your energy up. It sounds like you don't
00:23:58
we're very mellow but if you do that and you can't help but come off the adrenaline goes down a little bit and then you kind of level off and you've got to bring it back up. It's very weird on the body. You start to sleep and then
00:24:09
you go, "Oh my god, I got to get back up again." Geez. I would say that what I do when I walk out there is I try to do something
00:24:15
that makes me laugh to myself. And so for a while now, they ask me, "What do you want to go on to?" So for some reason, I just no reason except that it makes me laugh
00:24:27
that my theme when I come out is Suspicious Minds by Elvis Presley. Yeah. Great song. And the song the
00:24:34
crowd's always really happy and sometimes I start singing it with them. We can't go on together. And
00:24:39
so then I'm just thinking this is remember how ridiculous it is what we do. Goofy songs are good to come out. Nobody
00:24:47
going to break my stride. I think I came out to that once. That's funny. Nobody going to break my stride.
00:24:53
It just puts them in a goofy mood right from the beginning. I used to have Zeppelin and it was great, but actually
00:24:58
the energy of a loud Zeppelin song is almost too much energy to follow. because it's too good.
00:25:04
I would say that and Zeppelin's the greatest, but probably the greatest heavy metal intro to a song and to your
00:25:12
point, it almost overwhelms the set I stopped using it was Inner Sandman by Metallica
00:25:19
and it just Bill is so [ __ ] awesome, but then it's like it's such a thing and then and then and
00:25:26
then it quiets and it's just a single voice. What's up? What's up, De Moine? Hi, guys. It's like I went to the corn fields today.
00:25:39
When I hear someone do G, it makes me laugh harder than when I do it. Yeah. Meanwhile, the crowd's going to
00:25:47
Yeah. Take my hand. Welcome to Never Neverland. Never Neverland. Hi, I'm G. I'm happy
00:25:59
now. Hi, I bought a snow cone at your Dairy Queen, do they? Yeah, I like to get Jimoka almond fudge
00:26:06
because it doesn't stop with Jimoka. You also have the fudge at the end. I like when Sherio Derry
00:26:13
I know Barbara Walter I gave her that Barbara Walters at Baskin and Robins and then you know you're trying to think of
00:26:19
all the flavors. Yeah. And that's she came up with it like that. She jumped right on it like a
00:26:24
Sherry, who I don't think is on yet on Fly on the Wall, but it's very soon if it's not. We I think we got Sandler up
00:26:32
right now. I can't tell if this is going to air in 2026. I'm so confused. I know. I don't know. Hold me, Believe. The audience just clicks and goes, I hope this these [ __ ] are funny. We don't even know what's going
00:26:43
on. I always want to remind the audience, first of all, subscribe that subscribe that groups button. Sorry.
00:26:49
Smash that button. Smash it. Smash it. And always remember, you can fast forward or you could turn us off,
00:26:55
you know, just just but or listen to the whole thing. You have you have options and it's free.
00:27:01
Yeah. And we do the commercials, too. It's really It's And our We read the commercials are so
00:27:07
great. I like when people go, "Commercials are the funniest part." I go, "Well, that's concerning.
00:27:13
That's kind of funnier than our trying to be funny parts." You know what the best part of the show is? Is when you guys are wrapping up and
00:27:20
it's almost over. I love that part. You know what I usually start with the credits and then I turn it off.
00:27:27
You know what I do is I have it on the background when I'm cooking and then after a while I turn the sound off and I'll see it a little bit. Yeah.
00:27:33
It's really good with the sound off. You know what your show is good for? When I'm cooking I have the TV on the
00:27:39
background and then I have the podcast on in the background for the TV. What I do sometimes when I need a break is I put on angel hair pasta and I put it in and it's a twominute
00:27:50
and you got to really focus. You go over to it's gummy. So for that two minutes I'm totally focused on the pasta and I
00:27:56
don't have to listen stupid podcast. The good thing about your podcast is if I listen long enough you'll yell some joke that's so dumb I'll then I go okay finally they hit something and then it
00:28:08
flat lines for about 22 minutes. Yeah. The great thing about your podcast is that at a given moment, I can tell
00:28:14
that you're both really phoning it in. And that kind of makes me smile. Someone told me on the on the credits, it looks like Spade really phon it in this time. I go, I've been phoning it in
00:28:25
since day one. I've got bad news. Yeah. And what is the problem with phoning it in? It just means you're
00:28:30
relaxed. Yeah. I go, do you have a phone? What are you from 1980? I have a cell phone.
00:28:36
Why are we have this ongoing war? Well, actually, someone asked me what my sound
00:28:42
machine was called. That one that makes all the noises. Okay, let's It's called soundboard. It's hysterical, though. But it's easy laughs.
00:28:52
I want to pitch something. First of all, I don't think anyone can totally monopolize and have a monopoly on those little sounds. So, I'm saying David and Dana's
00:29:05
Oh, yeah. Google soundboard. Yeah. and call it something else. Soundy woundy or whatever.
00:29:10
I go, you can have sounds like this if Sydney Sweeney walks in the room. Do you hear that? Yeah, but put it further on the mic. Give it a little louder. Okay.
00:29:24
You get a boner. Yeah. When Dana does a joke. That's a boo. Yeah. We could just put some classic ones in there like get to the chopper.
00:29:36
You know, I could do some just one off. That's a good one. Why do I not have Every time I think I'm It's so funny and I have it and you don't. When Dana does a bad joke.
00:29:50
Kong. When Dana does a joke that he thinks is funny. Doesn't I hit the wrong one. No. Here's Dana. Here's Dana when he when he closes
00:30:03
the Yamava Casino. [Laughter] Such a gift. We got to figure out who's going to open. I like to open, but you like to close.
00:30:16
I don't care. I'll do whatever you want. I'm I'm I'm your opener, man. We're both there. You know what you said the other day that was funny? We said
00:30:23
something that was a bit murky and you said it's a murk fest. Did I? You're funny. Thank you for keeping track of my uh funniest. Every couple weeks you say something
00:30:36
funny, I scribble it down. Um okay. Uh what's going on the next story? Top tier AI employees at Meta, which is Zuckerberg, will earn a base salary of
00:30:49
100 million. What? With bonuses of up to 300 million a year? What? I can safely say we're in the wrong business. There's no way. Wait. offering
00:31:00
compensation back. It's up to so I mean that's you might only get 50 million bucks.
00:31:07
You might only get nothing at the base of a hundred is nice but what do you Oh, is it base?
00:31:12
Yeah, that's your salary base. Hi, I'm uh I'm uh I'm Mark Zuckerberg. So, what I'm going to pay you is um a hundred million a year as a base salary and then you can earn bonuses of up to
00:31:24
300 million per year. Where you going? What What did you work? What did you get at your last job? I got a 32,000 a year
00:31:31
with no bonus. Okay, we're going to up that to 100 million. And the nerds are like, "Okay, that
00:31:36
sounds good. 100 billion and then maybe 300 billion bonus. Thank you so much. I'll just be going to my car now. Call my wife." It's a world where everybody feels poor
00:31:47
because there's things like that that you're like, "Oh, should I be getting 100 million at my job?" Like, no truer words have ever been spoken by
00:31:55
you, David. So true. the the the constant onslaught of people on 500 foot long yachts and just just Sodom and Gomorrah parties and
00:32:07
jets and money and power, you know, it just makes people feel bad about it should be banned. There's always people making way more, but there's always people making less. So, it's an illusion. It's an illusion. Most
00:32:20
people are struggling and at some level, you know, you know, it reminds me of Superman. There's a tear in the Earth's fiber and
00:32:28
there's a prism of a black hole. Is that in the movie? I haven't seen it yet. That's what I got from it. Oh, you haven't seen it yet. Oh, you don't want to know? Toybo. Toybo. Toy.
00:32:39
You want to know who wins? Okay. Lex Luthther. Martin Luther. Lex. Um. Oh, yeah. We can't talk about it till
00:32:52
you see it. Um, sometimes I will because I want to be transparent on this podcast. I'll
00:32:58
wiki and get kind of like when I watch the last Mission Impossible so much confusion that I just did look at that. Okay, there's a thing that has to connect to a thing. So once in a
00:33:09
while Enigma, yeah, once in a while it's okay to kind of know if it's a very confusing movie.
00:33:15
I assume Superman's pretty straightforward, but with you, you get a little tired. What's Here's an
00:33:20
impression of you watching Superman in the theater. What's going on? I don't really get it. I I don't I don't understand. Who does
00:33:26
the dog belong to? Who are the bad guys? What's the guy with the weird head? Is that a dog? Why is the dog here? Is
00:33:32
it lost? Where's the Enigma? Is that only in the other movie? Yeah. Impossible Superman should be They could make that with AI. Just take those
00:33:43
two movies and make Impossible Superman. Tom Cruz. Have Tom Cruz in there. Oh, I can't tell
00:33:49
you anything about it. Well, you can tell. Let me just tell you just one thing. I read all the comic books as a kid. Okay.
00:33:55
I like go. I'll tell you one thing. This is This doesn't even give away anything. This won't give away anything. So, tell me that one thing.
00:34:01
He dies in the first five minutes. This and it gives away nothing. One thing I am interested in.
00:34:07
No, that's not true. I because the original was like amazing. This is the original modern era. Chris
00:34:13
Reeve. Okay. And so the director, James Gun, said, "Okay, I want someone who can
00:34:18
do a Brando and be his dad." And so he picked um Bradley Cooper, who's a fantastic actor, but my head is still stuck on Brando. I wish they' just kept
00:34:30
Brando with AI or something. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, there's al nothing against Well,
00:34:37
um Coupe, as I call him. Nothing against Coupe. He's a brilliant actor. Coupe is one of his dad. There's only
00:34:42
one Brando. You hear what I said? What? Bradley Cooper is one of his dads. Well, that's what I mean. Oh, you mean
00:34:53
in real life? No, in the movie. But in real life, too. Do they? No, he's one of his dads.
00:34:59
Mean there's more than one dads. I don't know. Is that some Krypton thing you have? You have two fathers, Scoob, on planet
00:35:06
Krypton. Ryo. [Laughter] Gee, secret keeper tell. Well, I don't want to tell you because you haven't seen it. When am I going to see it? I mean, his dad is the dog and everyone goes,
00:35:20
"Well, okay, come on." His dad is a dog. No, wait for it. He does have a dog in the movie.
00:35:26
I saw the preview when he's in the ice. I can I can tell you that. He's in the ice like
00:35:34
and then you see the dog running in. Yeah, he's beaten up, which is it's always funny when these superheroes get
00:35:40
beat up because you go, "Aren't you made of steel?" But he gets beat up and he's like bleeding. I didn't know he could
00:35:45
bleed either. And he goes like this, "I have no life in me, but I need my I need to whistle." And he goes at like 1
00:35:52
million dB for about 3 minutes straight. And you go, "You do have some energy left."
00:35:58
ow ow ow. Don't Don't. Everyone's throwing their laptop out the window. Well, here's the thing that that I've always found problematic with these Marvel superhero movies. You got the
00:36:12
Hulk. He's he nothing can destroy him. He's going to have a fist fight with some giant lizard and nothing can
00:36:18
destroy or hurt either one of them. And they pound the [ __ ] out of each other for 10 minutes and they kind of walk
00:36:23
away. It's like and they go, "No one can get beat up. So why do you fight for a half hour?" The whole the whole goal of Superman,
00:36:29
haven't seen the movie, is to make you think he's actually in danger at some point.
00:36:35
Yeah, and that's the whole goal of the movie. Otherwise, like I guess he's going to get out of this one.
00:36:40
But the problem with Superman versus Batman is Batman is a person who can easily die.
00:36:46
Is he? Batman is, isn't he? Is Batman a person? Your words, not mine. Your movie, not mine. Your superhero, not
00:36:57
No, I know. Batman was just Yeah, he's just uh all So, you're fighting the biggest star in
00:37:03
the world, Superman, that's not even from here, and you're supposed to beat him. Can I just make an observation for a
00:37:08
second briefly? Yes. In the analog days, for all you you millennials and you Heathers and you youngans, the analog days, you might go on a vacation
00:37:21
and you might be in a shitty cabin near a lake and there's a little store you go into. Mhm.
00:37:26
First of all, they got a thing you It's It says Coca-Cola on the outside and you put it up and it's all cold drinks like
00:37:32
kneeh high soda and root beer and you take them out and you buy them and then they have stacks of comic books
00:37:39
and you have no TV, no electronics, no Wi-Fi, nothing to do. Nothing. So, you get a Superman versus Batman
00:37:45
comic book and you go just hang out on a wood pile. You also use your imagination a lot
00:37:51
because you have to picture the funny. That was heaven. Heaven and and there was creepy magazine too. Creepy comic
00:37:57
books which were kind of scary. But that that was when you're somewhere even for
00:38:03
people now. If you go somewhere and you don't have Wi-Fi and you don't have any television
00:38:08
electronics and you look over you see a bookcase you go, I think I'm going to read Moby Dick. Right. It's just raw dogging. I mean
00:38:14
early on people talk about the flight but when you're a kid richy rich I read a lot for some reason
00:38:21
the poor little rich kid and I think I would dream of like cuz we didn't have that much money I'm
00:38:27
like look at this [ __ ] kid he has like a Rolls-Royce skateboard I'm like you remember the dates where the windows were up the entire flight and the pilot would come on uh the Grand Canyon can be
00:38:39
seen to the left this is this was and it was exciting Yeah. Exciting now. It's funny that in the day they all put the thing down. No, you're in a It's pitch black, too, but you're on your electronics. One time
00:38:50
I wasn't even paying attention. Suddenly, I heard the bus land. Oh, you land. Yeah. It's very weird.
00:38:56
I don't really like it if one person is always to my right side, has their window fully blasting on me. So, it's
00:39:02
giving me a headache here. But everyone else is down. So, there should be I know it's sad life I have.
00:39:09
I got to get my This I felt bad about. You ever actually do feel bad about your behavior because you weren't paying attention? Yeah. So, I'm on a flight. It's from Hawaii.
00:39:21
So, um unfortunately, two hurricanes have merged together and they're in our path. So, stay seated. So, everyone's
00:39:28
got their thing down. So, I want to use the restroom very badly. So, I'm looking I keep opening the window and looking at
00:39:35
the weather and closing it and opening looking at the weather and closing it. So I I must have done it too much
00:39:41
because as we're getting our bags, this woman goes, "Yeah, yeah, you liked opening and closing the window a lot, didn't you?" Yeah, you did
00:39:48
it the whole time. Yeah, you did. And then I said intuitively, I didn't want to have an argument. I said, "Well, you Oh, you should have told me." You
00:39:55
know, they're not going to tell some superstar. No one knows who I am. You do not You
00:40:00
know how invisible I am. I mean, look at look at this. I have the sunglasses. Dana, where'd you go? Who's this exactly with you? And like
00:40:07
I've said before, you are famous fame. Oh, you are like walking around with a Disney character. Mickey Mouse or Pluto.
00:40:19
It's because I wear my grown-up's shirt when we go out. I go, "What?" Well, you've got you've been in some
00:40:25
blockbusters. You know, no, listen. I If I went around dressed as G, I'd get mobbed, right? But no one knows who I am. No. Some people know me, some don't.
00:40:35
It's the way it always is. You never know. The ones that matter when you're like at the airport and you want to get into their restaurant cuz you have 20
00:40:41
minutes to eat. They're like that'll be a two and a half hour line. I'm like this [Music] and because they're not they're not
00:40:52
giving you the check. What I do if someone does come up and they've got they got this
00:40:58
I put them out of their misery. I always go let's take a picture. They go really? Yeah. Sometimes it's better to just say
00:41:04
let's Yeah, let's do it. Come on. Because they're standing there with their phone like this going,
00:41:09
you go, "You want to take a picture?" "Oh, yeah. Okay." Yeah. They're like, "Um, can you know?" And then they go, "Take off your
00:41:15
sunglasses." This is them taking Oh, yeah. They're all nervous. They can't open. They ask me, "Do you
00:41:21
know how to work it?" Yeah. They go, "Can we take a picture?" And I go, "Yeah." And they go, "I I don't here. I don't know how to do it.
00:41:26
Just They hand it to me." And I'm like, "Okay, let's look at another one. Let's look at another. My hair got cut. You didn't say anything. All I know is that
00:41:37
You see this, Heather? This looks incredible today. Mhm. It's hard cuz it's freaking gray.
00:41:43
Okay, I see where this is going. Oh, yeah. This is I didn't see this video, but I can just say that for a
00:41:51
present day. And it did send me a Meteor about four years ago. Oh, I should have
00:41:56
it. Just out of the blue was that's part of Joe Dirt, right? Do you want to grab it, Heather?
00:42:01
That is Joe Dirt. Is it over? And I'm like, this is pretty badass. So, so I bought some. It was just an impulsive buy. And I bought
00:42:08
another one and I sent it to David Spade. Remember Joe Dirt? He thinks that he's got a meteorite. So I said, "And
00:42:14
Joe Dirt, now you got a real one." Do you have a meteorite guy? I love that. When stuff goes up to auction, I'll send
00:42:20
you an auction book of everything that's that's up. And there's like a piece and that auction. shop.
00:42:28
By the way, this was like one of the nicest things in the world that to think of me and send me this, which was expensive because I saw it.
00:42:34
It had a receipt or something in it where you could tell from the auction. They're not giving these meteorites away. Is it a meteor or meteorite? Dana
00:42:41
go meteor and meteorite. It was your Dana Heather has a lab boooo and the world needs to know. No, it's that's his.
00:42:54
Okay, we're going to do fan questions in a minute. I just want to make an observation. Again, not being funny. Careful.
00:43:00
Go ahead. Specific specific random guess. Like if you're out about in the world and you
00:43:05
see something and it makes you think of someone and then you just give them that gift. You may skip the next five
00:43:11
birthdays or it's just out of the blue because that's a really cool That's the best way to do it. Yeah. Oh yeah.
00:43:17
Instead of the day before the birthday, you get him a can of WD40 or like at 71. I got to get But if you think of
00:43:22
something Yeah. Yeah. And you see that and you think of the person. Guess what? In the middle of the year. I don't want to give give it away, but
00:43:28
when next time I see Is that my next birthday? That Yeah, that's for you. I didn't want to give it away, but it's your it's
00:43:34
yours. This is Lego Jert. So, I went to Legoland. Oh, that's cool. I took Harper Legoland and they go,
00:43:40
"Hey, we have a special thing for you." They took me into the Lego place. I don't even know where it was
00:43:45
in inside and they made that for me. So, I got a wagon for it. And then we have Dana's meteor. It's smaller. Smaller than I thought it would be. Can you see it when it's
00:44:00
Joe Dirt's meteor? What do you What do you mean Dana? And so I put it in Joe Dirt's meteor. And then Lego Joe Dirt carries it.
00:44:08
Hey man, what's crap happening? So it makes me want to watch Joe Dirt again. I I keep seeing these little
00:44:13
clips and I think it's better than I remembered it. Can I remember? It's actually a feel-good movie. So ultimately it's Oh, you played it kind of real. You were sort of a sympathetic character.
00:44:26
For once I was not like a sarcastic smart. No, you were I think and the writing you can see,
00:44:32
you know, I'm going to do a Joder thing this weekend, I think. So I'll tell you next week if I do it. But okay.
00:44:38
Uh I thought this meteor was great. I thought it would be bigger because it said a big box with a meteor on it
00:44:44
and it's just a little But it is from It's from space. It's from space. It's from Joe Dirt, but it's smaller cuz a Lego is smaller than a regular person.
00:44:56
So great. So I didn't see his, but maybe it's like that. But anyway, I do that kind of thing, too. I look at these
00:45:01
things and I've bought people things because there's like they're a Star Wars fan. Oh, we have a lightsaber from the
00:45:08
real movie or Indiana Jones's hat. Like those kind of things are one of a kind. It's really
00:45:13
They're too expensive though. But if you can get a cool one, they usually under on the download go up in value a
00:45:20
lot because people love these little things from the world of movies and stars, you know. It I don't know. I don't know if the words like You have Beatles stuff. Don't you have
00:45:31
I have some Beatles stuff. Yeah, I have um Yeah, I have Beatles stuff. Some uh pout album signed by all four Beatles is
00:45:38
not too many in the world. Not too many. Um the gift was from NBC when they were
00:45:44
trying to me get me to take over when Letterman left. So they got me a gift at Suffabes. Yeah. In London you off and I still have it. But um I think
00:45:56
but when you did New Letterman, you gave it back, right? No, I couldn't I couldn't find it.
00:46:01
That's not how it works. They said uh this is uh from this NBC Fred Silverman. Fred Silverman called me. No, I won't. I didn't give it back. But I do think that people have hobbies and passionate and
00:46:14
start collecting. Seems like a lot of times they end up getting really rich from it. You know, like Jay Leno with
00:46:20
the cars, it's more he's probably made more money off his cars than all of his Tonight Show money and all the rest.
00:46:27
Uh yeah, but Dana, you might have a lab boooo. You don't even know what they are. Uh I remember man cards and all the rest. Okay, so we're going to do two fan
00:46:39
questions. We can always cut them. Yeah, let's hit a fan question. We'll cut them if they suck. Can we give a bad answer? Yeah.
00:46:44
Hello, David Dana and Fly on the Wall Pod. My name is Sarah Grace and I have a question for Shaggy News. Before I get into it, I just like to say that I'm such a huge fan and I look forward to
00:46:55
the podcast every single week. You guys are literally my emotional support comedians. You know, some people need a
00:47:02
smoke break, but I need a David Spade and Dana Carvey break during my day because you guys just make me laugh and
00:47:08
forget about my week to week stressors and we all need to laugh sometimes. David, I am such a fan and I just think
00:47:15
you're so witty, funny, and sarcastic and I've got a little crush on that. and Dana, I have so much admiration for you
00:47:22
as well. Anyways, enough rambling. I'm going to get to my question now. I am going to be a junior in college and I'm
00:47:28
moving out of my parents house for the first time and going to a university. And my question is, what advice would
00:47:34
you have someone that's moving to a new place for the first time? Thanks so much, guys. Bye.
00:47:39
Go ahead, David. David, wasn't it for you? Very sweet. What was the exact wording of the question?
00:47:45
I think it's she's going away to college. college must be a different state I'm guessing. That is scary. Um and what would be what's our advice?
00:47:59
Yeah, real real twist. Real talk. Well, first of all, you know, um stay out of the sun, you know, really wear a big hat because you're you have really great skin. You almost look animated and
00:48:14
you're 18, I assume. So, wear a big hat. Second of all, I have my question is, are you in a dorm? Because if you're in a dorm, you're gonna meet like 300 people one day. And
00:48:28
that's a great way to do it. I think it's an incredible. I was in a dorm once for a year and it was boy, girls, 15
00:48:35
stories high for Duchi Hall, San Francisco State. And so, it's a huge social environment. I think don't be fearful and just be open. And based on her being a fan of yours means she's a
00:48:47
high quality person. Well, she seems pretty friendly and and outgoing. And so, uh, cute girl out
00:48:53
there in the real world, especially like Yeah, I did that at ASU. There's dorms there. There's
00:48:58
fraternities. Yeah, you don't have to join that stuff. It was sort of the way into this a social life. But
00:49:04
I would keep the drinking within reason. It's not I mean, no one's not going to drink, I guess. Just be realistic. But uh just try to focus a little bit on school and maybe get a part-time job.
00:49:17
But it's hard to move to a different city, especially away from the parents, away from the fam. Yeah. I mean,
00:49:22
you know, um embrace the embrace the anxiety. Just trust it. Of course, everyone else who's
00:49:29
getting in this dorm as a freshman coming from other places, they'll you'll think they're way more confident than
00:49:36
you. And you'll, you know, just remember everybody's a little nervous about this whole experience. But the same in in the
00:49:44
in the context of your lifetime, just enjoy the hell out of it because you get if you don't have to work, if
00:49:51
you can if you're able to. I was sweeping the uh the stairwell and vacuuming the building
00:49:57
wasn't too bad. I met people that way. I was vacuuming a 15tory building. But just enjoy it. Go with it. And anxiety
00:50:05
and a little all normal and easy on the booze is madness lies that way, you know. Yeah. Uh and you you know uh in closing
00:50:12
I'll say that sometimes you wind up having these friends for life. So some are more in high school,
00:50:18
some more in college, but it can happen. So just see what happens and uh try not to stress. One last thing and I'll say it as G. If
00:50:25
you're bored some night, what you can do is maybe put on W's World's World one. Then you could watch laser disc. Uh okay. Thank you for that
00:50:37
question. What? We got another question. Thanks. Thanks though. Hey Dana and David, huge fan. Love the
00:50:44
podcast. Thanks for taking my question. Um Dana, you make the best turtle. And David, you are the only llama I've ever liked. Uh out of curiosity, if you could
00:50:57
be any animal in the world, what would you both be? That's easy for me. It is. Yeah. What sort of arachnid would you be? I
00:51:07
would say I'd probably be well I would go with the breed of dog that is the most eusive and cheerful. The where I live there's a collie some
00:51:18
kind of collie looks like lassie or something or a golden lab. This dog is like just just no upper stuff about what worry in
00:51:29
the moment completely being joyful. So, I'll I'll just say a golden one. David, you probably want to be a
00:51:35
cockroach. You'll be a cockroach. Cockroach. Yeah, that's what I want. I think a dog like a Australian Shepherd or something. Yeah. Running a lot. Good mood.
00:51:47
Orderco collie. Everybody likes you. Golden retrievers like that. Mhm. I'm tired of being so smart. I'd be a dumb dog. It's just more fun. There's been so many bits about dogs, but you
00:51:58
know, it's just if you have a dog, they see you. If I've seen dogs in a car and then their owner comes back and it's just it's like the Super Bowl.
00:52:09
There's a lot of cool animals, but that's a good one. Yeah. All right, Danny, your answer is wrong. Mine was right. Uh, thank you everybody.
00:52:16
We'll let the fans decide. I also like to be a gorilla because they look really powerful. Yeah,
00:52:21
I think you can only be one, but All right. Well, thanks David. I' I've really enjoyed having you on on Fly.
00:52:28
Thanks for having me. And uh thank you. And I do my traditional weekly selfie of
00:52:33
you. Good of you. It did face me. Yeah. Uh that was a good picture behind Superman behind you. That's great. And um I'll see everybody next week. All right.
00:52:49
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00:52:56
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00:53:02
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00:53:08
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00:53:15
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00:53:22
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00:53:27
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00:53:40
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00:53:47
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