00:00:00
[Music] aside from this hotel possibly 100% being haunted um I don't want to hear children singing when I go to bed is
00:00:13
that weird d in a in a FAL setto with little night counts on and they're just in a tricycle going around your
00:00:20
bed would you did you get scared I said I said I didn't want to say but the kids
00:00:25
upstairs were noisy and they go there's no upstairs [Music] hey man hey man I that really that
00:00:38
really boils my blood I was going to ask you when you get mad you go that you what do you say you say it steams my
00:00:45
beans oh no I oh steam's Bean no I really got a bee in my Bonnet really I my dad used to say oh Jesus Christ it gripes my ass and it was always about
00:00:56
nothing like a parking garage that charges more or something no I like uh there's grind my
00:01:02
gears uh Farley was burn my onion is that one used to say that want to burn my onion it really burns my onion I don't know I think that was it I look [ __ ]
00:01:15
great but you know what Dana I am out of on the road so I the hair looks pretty good wow what did you how did you is
00:01:21
Heather there with you yeah oh of course I can't well it looks good so let's break it down for people who try to do
00:01:27
this if you got a ring light it's not a ring ring light Dana well you're just facing the window this is just me with
00:01:35
no light there's no light all the lights are off it's Pitch Black it's just your inner lights coming out it's my glow
00:01:40
it's it's I have an aura here yeah like an outer Aura which is like a ring light
00:01:46
all Aura your head in in a minute did you D did your dad ever use that on you when
00:01:54
he was around yeah he wasn't that clever I uh you know what my Dad did do which is funny is because he was a dead beat
00:02:01
dad but when he would a walk by me in our little crummy apartment we shared a room when I was 18 and and I would be in
00:02:08
the in the bathroom I'd walk by and be like this and he and he'd poke his head around the corner and go see anybody you
00:02:16
like anytime I'm looking at myself and see anybody like and I go get out of here dude what are you doing well we had five five kids one bathroom it was hard
00:02:28
to get in the bathroom we had a piece a mirror this big we didn't have a bathroom we had an ouse we had to look at our hair in the back of a
00:02:39
spoon so yeah we well my dad would cut our hair and shave our heads oh that's 60 mid 60s you want to look like George Harrison there's a UFO in the background
00:02:52
yeah there just blow by oh okay so I'll tell you a quick thing this Daya I ordered room circus yesterday this is
00:02:58
toac toac right seems harmless enough I'll [ __ ] is that is that a large is that a big
00:03:05
jar of this is a large who are the dwars that make that [ __ ] when when women come
00:03:10
over I put this next to my wiener I go this is a full bottle but you know or so kind of I don't know sounds stupider uh but this one first of all I still don't
00:03:21
have it open I I I gave this 18 minutes to open and I could not open it yeah I finally sawed this part off with a knife you can't tell on the white part there yes and that didn't help whacked it I
00:03:37
went on Instagram people like saying Put It Go on YouTube in your teeth and go no no I go to my
00:03:43
people and have no one was right someone said soak it in the tub someone said get
00:03:50
a bigger bottle I don't have a I have this this is all I have and it's it's sort of like a hexagon so I need
00:03:56
probably a um right socket wrench love finally got one laugh from her now I'll tell you Dana today CU I'm such a
00:04:08
colossal [ __ ] I had them open at first um this this one the green part I got the green part off the top that was 12 minutes now this came also ketchup and guess what I knew how to open that
00:04:22
uh that one FL such I've never gotten the plastic ketchup thing apart man this thing is good you got to really it's got some grooves so Tabasco gate is fixed uh
00:04:34
also I am the drama of you on the road the road I know these are just stories from the road doesn't mean they're
00:04:41
particularly hysterical but that and then have you ever had this aside from this hotel possibly 100% being haunted um I don't want to hear children singing
00:04:53
when I go to bed is that weird d in a in a FAL setto with little night counts on
00:04:59
just in a tricycle going around your bed would you you get scared I said I said I didn't want to say anything but the kids upstairs were noisy and they go
00:05:10
there's no upstairs we know you're on the top floor I'm like well that's when you sit up in bed
00:05:18
and just as you're loud as you can go I am Satan oh my God I'm too scared to say
00:05:24
anything oh really loud you just sit up oh I can't I I'm not going to get into the haunted part with him because I'll
00:05:30
scare him no no no i' I'm haunted every night I mean I'm I will tell you what does uh grind my
00:05:36
gears okay is when you and this this is Road problems these are fake problems we're doing fine we understand that David's on the road headlighting and
00:05:48
headlighting and Amphitheater but hotels are just interesting so I get this is what I
00:05:55
don't realize when I hear The Creeks squeaks is the uh you have your you have your room near the elevator and I'm backed up to the elevator sha so one I'm
00:06:10
morning I'm like is that an air conditioner and I realized oh my God next day I walk out I'm backed up the
00:06:16
goddamn elevator and it's all night and then I start to go what are these people doing in Forum where are you
00:06:25
going room service it's literally 4:00 a.m. well first of all we'll get you a new travel agent because the first thing
00:06:32
you do is could I get a room not near the elevator I don't even think of that you've only been on the road for 40
00:06:38
years and you're finally discovering so my List of Demands is I can't add to it well let's add it up elevator kept you up all night Tabasco
00:06:50
sauce flx you you actually have a sprain thumb and you can't feel your right hand
00:06:55
trying to open it my clavicle is out and also mhm I don't have a 316 socket wrench you broke your rib on the hind cetch up opening that thing no this
00:07:08
thing I I really had a I was okay with so it's was kind of bragging but also okay when I went to Canada last week
00:07:14
this is a stupid one but I didn't have my passport we couldn't find it what's that
00:07:20
about Boot and what it's about is and I did say Suri but they were like there's not a chance you're getting on this plan and I thought not to be but there's definitely people coming in the country
00:07:34
with nothing and they just Walt in I'm like you're not going to stop me I I'm okay I pay my tax I do everything right
00:07:41
just let me in if no one's doing it anymore and I had a banana that Banana's not going to make it I I could go across
00:07:47
a border with a gun and I would be fine yeah I can't walk because you can see my banana that's what she said no nobody
00:07:55
did all right I'm keeping track two references to your ding-dong I'm holding my banana not like the guy at the gas pumps right to be continued
00:08:08
later in the show guy's a friend of mine I want to show you got a lot of friends yeah so anyway I was very flumix as you
00:08:16
would say because I was frustrated that it's not fair to crack down on one side of the border and not cracked on the like let me either walk in or and then they go you're going to need that real
00:08:28
ID pretty soon you got to go to the DMV I'm like I'm not doing jack [ __ ] how about that God you're like a little
00:08:35
Rebel yeah [ __ ] crank I had that they wouldn't let me through and then they had me sign autographs we're big fans I
00:08:41
took pictures now can I go through no passport going to Mexico no but we we'd like a church lady pick if we we love you but I and they said
00:08:52
not only can't you get on the plane we want you to get the [ __ ] out of this airport what I mean I like it what
00:09:00
they go what would happen if you got into Mexico or Canada it would be [ __ ] pandemonium you would ruin this
00:09:05
You' ruin it and you're like yeah I guess I I was coming out of alapo and I didn't have the ticket stuff or
00:09:10
something so they they took me to a special room to interrogate me and I thought they can do anything what am I
00:09:18
in an episode of narcos all of a sudden just trying to get back to San Diego if I could all right but they were like hey
00:09:26
they go what's this hot water balloon filled with Coke Guyana like oh that's not mine why you want to
00:09:31
go on this flight man what the [ __ ] what the [ __ ] why you want to go on this flight well I just want to get back home
00:09:37
you don't got you you don't got a certificate man you got to pick up the certificate where do I get it in the certificate Hut yeah I'll s you one
00:09:45
right now yeah also this um uh the Seinfeld situation kind of got blown out of prop Porche this week uh it was shootout at Seinfeld
00:10:01
well first a preface just to keep the story going in a full circle back to we this story will never die just one of
00:10:07
those stories everyone's got an opinion it's trending it's not a big deal I think the
00:10:13
problem was Jerry me and you are friends we're all friends with Howard Howard and
00:10:19
Jerry are friends so we're all in the same Biz and you don't want to rub someone wrong obviously Jerry was being fun with us he was being complimentary
00:10:30
to us there was a little shrapnel just because maybe he worded it not perfectly but we all know Jerry loves Howard Howard's got a great show Howard's doing just fine and uh this made me uh it was
00:10:44
it was sort of it got a little out of control but it was I think the the whole thing was just a smoldering Ember
00:10:50
nothing too horrible if I had to close the book on it because uh we can't I uh understood where Jerry was coming from sure but you go on a podcast for 90 minutes we don't have a script folks I
00:11:03
mean I've had people send me letters going how do you and David do you have a teleprompter this can't it's so perfect
00:11:09
it can't be improvised so then you're saying stuff for like 90 minutes to not have some regrets podcast regret but I
00:11:17
think that Jerry in the end of the day he's very protective and proprietary about what he considers pure standups
00:11:24
especially standups and comedy and I remember I told them on the on and now repeating other podcast but I said
00:11:30
Lauren Lauren Michaels Lauren Michaels things because he has these things he says and I'm moving here and goes what
00:11:38
will there be funny people there because that there's like only 900 of us on the planet and Jerry didn't H I don't think
00:11:46
so so that's just him being protective of us said the wrong things now they're friends yeah I think he's saying just a
00:11:53
pure actual touring standup comedian that's all yeah but Howard is very funny I have listen now hard forever and always makes me laugh he's hysterical he's the king of king of whatever even even when I did that Netflix uh golf
00:12:06
tournament whatever stupid thing it was fun Bill Burr was there and we joked about Bill Burr because he was you know
00:12:13
he just rolled in yeah and what he was wearing and so I called Bill bur I said now I got now that got Jerry got me
00:12:19
thinking so I said oh Bill we did some dumb thing about you we won't put on WE whatever you want he goes I don't give a [ __ ] he's like just don't go after my ACT which is true
00:12:32
that's that's the sour spot if you go after some comedian's act that's like very mean I'm just goofing around
00:12:38
because we're all golfing and wearing stupid stuff and does any comedian ever go after someone's act like takes a line
00:12:45
yeah yeah no or they say their act is soft or they say it's [ __ ] I that one that one stings more well what
00:12:52
happens with comedians is because we're all helpless little child and we were the class clown in fourth grade and so
00:12:58
when there's a new kid town like Toy Story you know this reflexive thing is is like you want to bring them down I
00:13:05
would do it sometimes with uh like if Paul and I are watching TV and Brad Pit comes on I'll just say something like um he's gross I don't I don't get it what's
00:13:16
that all about I don't get it you know she goes I do she goes I do and that's all that
00:13:23
matters I've had people say that Rob Williams in his prime just kind of jealous comedians I don't get it man
00:13:29
what's what what's really doing yeah uh destroying the room comedically for an hour and a half I think rap raping and
00:13:36
pillaging every audience so to close this subject I'd say that watch your inner child and remember in the end of the day just be kind oh boy got heavier
00:13:48
than I thought we're gonna have a music Cube put in on that end of day Be Kind Rewind
00:13:55
[Music] nearly 75% of people have uh subscriptions they've forgotten about I don't know if you knew that oh yeah by
00:14:09
the way this happened to me right I didn't know I got something from I'm not going to say the name but it was on my bill and so for once I chased it down I
00:14:19
said this was maybe 24 bucks and I said uh what is it and they told me it's something I signed up for three years ago something to do with going to movies or something and I'm like and I've been
00:14:33
paying every month for three years I've never used it they're like yeah it's exactly what rocket money does it's a personal finance app that finds and
00:14:40
cancels your unwanted subscriptions right monitors your spending helps you lower your bills you can grow your
00:14:46
savings so I have full control of my subscriptions you know and you can see your expenses they do all the work they get in there and do the nitty-gritty it's uh this one I have to say is a
00:14:58
brilliant idea I I don't know how they do it but with rocket money event you're going to see all your subscriptions in
00:15:04
one place and you go I don't want that I don't want that and they'll can help you cancel it with a couple of TAPS yeah
00:15:11
good right and uh they can help negotiate your bills down up but to 20% all you have to do is you send a picture of your bill they do the rest they deal with customer service they have 5
00:15:22
million users more than that wow they saved a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions it's cra C that's saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the apps
00:15:35
features and by the way these things go on for years it's just 1995 a month for like a decade you know so and they just rake it in and you get screwed over stop wasting money on things you don't use
00:15:47
cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocket.com Superfly that's rocket money.com
00:15:54
Superfly rocket money.com Superfly all right I have a new reality show idea Dana okay you can get in on it now or you can wait to hear the
00:16:06
idea well I want to hear the title because 99% is the title I don't need to hear what the rity show's about okay
00:16:14
it's called America's Next protester I'm in we go across the world with Simon cow
00:16:19
and Heidi Clump and we find the best protesters and we we can give them any subject or they can audition with
00:16:26
anything they want to say there's too many glass tiles on this building and they sit and they don't have and they
00:16:32
don't do anything they just all day they commit man on the street going to where
00:16:38
people are protesting no just different just different people auditioning and they
00:16:44
they wear what they're going to wear and they give us a picture what they're going to protest right well what would you protest that's the hard part I don't
00:16:51
have anything great I mean forget I'm not going to bring this up again but this is a problem I just don't know if I
00:16:58
want to dedicate 15 hours a day and going a hunger strike there's there's Wars and famine and all kinds of stuff
00:17:03
around the world but you not being able to get into that tiny Tabasco J plastic thing is Big let's not downplay it's big in my world and it's also it's a bit of
00:17:13
a shoulder shrugger to most people but I have problems then I also have I heard you went down and took a steam shower with it and your towel fell off
00:17:24
was and I stuck this up my butt like the guy at the uh gas station you know what St I'd be on your protester show and I would protest too many protesters there just just we got
00:17:37
too many protests that's a good idea yeah all right well so you're going to be an EP all right next thing is
00:17:44
uh what is the name if we can pull up the Megan Markle and and Prince Hank Prince Harry Styles Prince Harry have a new company
00:17:57
and it's called something very not awesome ostentatious oh yeah it is American Riviera Orchard jelly it's just
00:18:08
jelly getting Jelly just talking about this that's a mouthful and and I'm not talking about the jelly American Riviera Orchard jelly huh you know you know what
00:18:21
I think is an easier one that's my that's my jam that's not bad right that's all right that's my jam it's quicker this
00:18:32
has to sound so affluent and heavy and ostent I would have named it they hate me because I'm mixed race jelly oh that's true yeah they hate me because
00:18:43
I'm kind of a princess jelly they wouldn't get me a a a therapist when I needed it jelly you know I was on suits then I was
00:18:56
a princess I could be on suit suits reboot right now which is my idea I think she should go on suits and make a
00:19:03
killing she should go it's already a number one show Jo she should go on and before that or during that she should go
00:19:10
on hey Hoy I'm ready to do Deal or No Deal oh she if she did a goddamn IM on dealer No Deal again the one on the island jelly yeah I think that would be
00:19:23
a good joke yeah I'm on New Deal Deal or No Deal again on the island jelly it's not hoe Mandel jelly but it is a good show you got to Trend you gotta if
00:19:36
it's outrages it's contagious if it's boring no one's going what about mine I'm gonna pitch to uh Prince Hank uh and I'm going to walk in like
00:19:47
it's shark tank and I'm going to go hey sharks Megan and Harry what if you're driving down the 405 and you're starving and you've got a bagel wouldn't you like to play some traffic
00:20:01
jam and then I just wait I get 100% of the money you get zero do you want in I'll be Mark cubin so what do you what do you uh I've never tried to do do
00:20:13
Prince Harry two so you actually have real Jam in your car yeah he gets it Megan are you in he it's in the glove compartment you take it out and you go oh I'm glad I brought my traffic jam I
00:20:25
don't like it I love it makes me clap that's more like it yeah let's give him a million pounds and and he goes Megan we're not we don't talk in pound and you don't
00:20:37
either you were never you were only there three weeks hey uh listen Megan this is not gonna I like the whisper Guy
00:20:44
this is not GNA work B that's Prince that's Harry because when he whispers he's not even English anymore that's the
00:20:52
nurse if she saw that she my nurse character she'd go oh ah a yeah he has Jam in his car and
00:21:02
there's a traffic jam I got to tell the doctor you have to tell the doctor she has tell the doctor everything that's right the doctor's got to know can I introduce a new character not a nice guy
00:21:16
with a catch with a catch in his throat I hate it already go ahead yeah yeah so we went and saw we went and saw David Spade like he's really kicking it man his his act is really fun and we're
00:21:29
really laughing all the time what's your name that's a catch nice guy with a catch in my throat a nice guy with a
00:21:35
catch in my throat it's a new character it's not bad it sounds a little like Shaggy it sounds a little like sh no
00:21:42
Shaggy goes sink scoop oh scoo I can't believe it's scoob sco I can't believe they neutered you little Scooby all right and now for the beetle news wait Scooby I can't believe they neutered you
00:21:55
go ahead I can't believe they neutered you hi I'm Scooby-Doo that was Casey cas's
00:22:01
greatest character and he sounded nothing like him he sounded nothing like actual Casey Cas what what was the dog
00:22:08
went that didn't talk basically that was Scooby right and then he could talk as well it's been a while for me yeah he goes Scooby he goes scoobs why are you dry hping bma's leg
00:22:21
he's like have you seen her what are we going to do about this Scoops she's hot oh I see for us for our generation Our rated Scooby-Doo cartoon with the
00:22:33
exact same animation well come on scoo you got to wear a condom I wouldn't say that I don't of course we're ruining our childhoods by bringing this up Velma
00:22:46
scoop if you notice velma's hot I like dapne I met Casey Cas once oh he he also had
00:22:59
okay keep going you do your Beatles news that's Beatles news today hello hello who here we are with the beetle news it's all over everywhere there a Donald
00:23:10
Trump is in trial you know so apparently the the whole story is he shaked a bird
00:23:18
about 16 years ago you know and uh it was all over the Telly cuz she wanted to see if she could get a Shakedown on him you know she said hold on I like some money you know I like some pounds of
00:23:30
quid so the he hired it's very complicated he hired a guy named Cohen the fixer to give us some pounds to to keep her quiet you know and then then
00:23:41
they the election came she cuz she Trump had Trump was on a bus a bus with Billy
00:23:47
Bush and he said he could grab ladies private parts lovely ladies whenever he felt like it so that was like a no no people go hold on don't know if we want him for president parts then then stoy
00:24:00
Daniels who's you know performs on the Telly to get money anyway she said I'd like some more please so they paid s some money they saying did Trump do it or did the fixer do it so I don't really
00:24:12
know but he's he's keeping from his wife for doing it to not get elected that was way too long no it's good because I like how you water down Stormy Daniels is just on the Telly
00:24:25
doing some entertainment that mean porn yeah she gets on the Telly and they have
00:24:31
cameras she to takes off a blouse or whatever and you know she's shaged by his gentleman coming in and then they cut away and that's a job shagged by a
00:24:42
gentleman that is a nice way to put everything I like that that's all the Beatles or is that Paul this I just call
00:24:48
it the beetle news let's try let's try something just off the cuff you you or Heather give me a news story and I'll
00:24:55
try to anything doesn't okay the the the the portal to Dublin in Time Square what the portal I don't know what that is okay well explain it is it like
00:25:11
a little ride you go in they put a huge 8 foot circle that you can walk up to and you can see people in Dublin it's kind of crazy live can now New York all
00:25:23
the way to Dublin this is the portal a new public art installation that connects the
00:25:29
by you pe right into the streets of duin it's happing live so you can even interact with people on the other side
00:25:35
the portal is located on the flat iron South Plaza directly next to the flat iron building it runs 24/7 and will be
00:25:41
here for 6 months in New York be mindful of the 5our time difference I would avoid going late at night as it will be
00:25:47
in the middle of the night in Ireland but I guess it could also be interesting either way be sure to stop by and say hi
00:25:53
when you're in the area already closed Dana already closed cuz it is like a lashers dream you know some guy oh look I had a bunch of
00:26:03
guinnesses that's exactly what happened so they made a portal you wave they went
00:26:09
back you know right and you go are they really there are they really there and you try to punch through but they can't
00:26:16
really you could is it a mirror what is it yeah it's like what they did was they put a monkey and a dog next to it and
00:26:22
they started barking and they thought they got really disorientated because it wasn't real people they could
00:26:29
well oh the monkey and the dog yeah animals probably wouldn't like that get confus oh the monkey and the dog okay
00:26:35
this girl flash her boobs to it because she and she told Dr Phil she'd rather die hot than live ugly I don't know what that has to do with this all this I didn't know this story was
00:26:46
coming up about someone using it to flash okay yeah that's why you said you said that's something going to ruin I'm
00:26:51
like that's what happened some girl did this showed her boobs just to get to boost up her only fans
00:26:58
and then some other guy held his phone up right to the camera and it was either September 11th it was it was Trad I don't I know what his point was but it was like offensive and of course well
00:27:10
here's what I would do I I'd find a badass Ai and I I'd show the AI the Dublin port hole I'd say AI I'll give you 5 days to make it so that people can
00:27:26
walk through the portal oh go from Dublin to New York and New York to Dublin farewell United Airlines yeah
00:27:34
that's a great one so long Quant Airways so long Southwest we're stepping through
00:27:41
a PTO no tighten in your seat bu because there's light chop all you do is Step through the P by-bye British airlines so long the bar is closed
00:27:58
bye-bye barf bag bye-bye David Spade bit Say by no bye-bye you can still say before you go in the portal oh right you can still do that yeah we'll put you on
00:28:11
God keep that bit alive Dan keep David Spade oh David's coming in next week he's going to do the bye-bye bit but
00:28:16
with a portal I feel like it's time this is the week uh okay so what about the portal oh
00:28:23
yeah that's good I like the portal and yeah get AI off its ass I mean I don't care if they can make little memes fix
00:28:30
that transport no if it's going to scare the [ __ ] out of us let it do something
00:28:35
crazy great let go big yeah tired it can it can it can process the entire information of in the history of the world in a billionth of a seconds so let's get [Music]
00:28:53
busy all right when you're hiring for your small business you want to find quality professionals that right for the role that's why you have to check out
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what is it that's linkedin.com f23 to post your job for free terms and conditions apply this is not AI but you wish it was this is a video going around
00:30:11
this week of a guy uh I don't think it's John Goodman but this is a guy at a gas station and
00:30:19
he's just kind of doing his own thing okay I five he's got so the guy the guy sees him he's putting the he's putting
00:30:32
the gas pump up his butt yeah it's all bad Dana but this is I infected my feed now you have to see it so that guy um I can't unse it I know obviously the most
00:30:45
surprising thing is his butt takes diesel I didn't know that can we just ex well let's just in a a p hard PG13
00:30:52
describe it to our drivers who were listening what what did we just see David there's a gentleman a really I'll
00:31:00
just say it up front it seemed like a very nice guy yeah a gentleman in a trucker hat uh a little portly um with
00:31:09
his pants on his ankles at a gas station and he is uh rubbing his privates with his left hand and with his right hand surprisingly he takes the diesel gas pump out and sticks it up his behind and
00:31:23
then someone yells from across the street which we couldn't hear but they yell and he turns around and goes oh
00:31:29
Fun's over and then he puts it back on the tank doesn't even give it a you know once over with all I can say is if I had
00:31:37
a dollar for every time I've seen this scenario this is filming up by your house how many people have dropped their drawers touched their privates stuck the
00:31:48
pump up their ass it happens all over no I don't know that guy I just am really surprised that uh bill would do that I'm just want to be supportive of
00:32:02
this because I'm a perv but that one doesn't do anything for me the truth is he did look a little like John litz
00:32:09
right could have been oh that was Lovitz or no way way I've got a new way I just got a text from love it he heard what we just said and he said Baler Dash Baler
00:32:23
who let's see if we have any other videos what else I want to say to you I have a couple things you want oh yeah
00:32:29
let's here we got lots we got lots someone wrote me a I'm G get my superg glasses on a red red necky joke from from a nice a nice person charbell
00:32:41
Allen he wrote me a red red neck joke see what you think yeah I'm red red necki the redneck comedian the other day my cousin Earl was showing off his brand new mobile phone I said that's nothing
00:32:54
my whole home is mobile come and get some okay okay not bad it was clean yeah we got red red necki off the sidelines he kind of laid low for a couple weeks yeah red red like
00:33:06
yeah yeah yeah red red red nck exists at at all times in my mind he doesn't want
00:33:12
too much press he comes out when he's needed let me do a series of uh earthquakes because I kind of miss oh yeah yeah yeah yeah I'm gonna do a series I'll start out this idea with a
00:33:24
it's just different people from around the world you know Like We are the world how they would react to earthquakes I
00:33:31
want you to give me one when when I think I know what do with this yeah you think of one okay think I think of your
00:33:37
one you were about to do but go ahead you do yours first and then I'll steal your okay and then you're GNA do another all right good all right this is a this
00:33:44
is I'll just go back to my well maybe I should do a new one okay okay here's an Indian
00:33:50
man um talking to someone and then an earthquake hits in India oh it's [Laughter]
00:34:19
something he's okay wait okay though I apologize to people nobody gets hurt in these right no one really gets hurt now here's they survive they survive at the end I'll do Japan
00:34:31
that'll just be mine okay [Music] [Music] [Music] God [Laughter] damn God he calms down quickly that was a that was like a 9 N I broke I broke my
00:35:13
laptop broke [ __ ] mic I broke my laptop okay here's a a Ango British British guy yes well I I don't believe we going to have dinner tomorrow night and I
00:35:25
can't wait for it I really can't and [ __ ] it's an earthquake oh mother no I'm British but I'm in
00:35:40
Japan you live in town oh you're in Japan I want to hear you do one I'll do the one I'm stealing from you please do it please do it this is this is a press junket and this is got to get the whole
00:35:55
thing settled I'm to I'm to see how you how you do this technically okay Mr Walkin can you tell us a little about your
00:36:07
character no whoa whoa no yes smart is it is it over continue I thought he would be perfect as a quick one that's funny like I know I you're doing them longer and I
00:36:32
go he only has one word yeah so I couldn't think of anything plus I can't do them no now see louder is better
00:36:41
godam now now there you go better that's over yeah mine see it needs fixing Greg
00:36:47
can trim it down oh I like it it's silly I couldn't think fast enough well yours was great because you did it kind of soft no I like
00:36:59
your because press junk it that was good it start out slow and build I started mining at 10 and that's why they probably won't make the final cut I want
00:37:09
that Japanese one that long so we can't cut it it's well that's I probably will at this point just for you fans out
00:37:16
there retire the Japanese earthquake guy I just wanted to blow it out one time I
00:37:22
don't know why you're talking crazy like that that's so good well why on a count what I talk crazy like that all right
00:37:29
give me another one give me another thing subject what do you got anything or do we have just videos to play uh you
00:37:36
got stuff what about Trump versus Biden oh I for we should talk about that because that just came out an hour ago
00:37:43
that Biden came on come on an hour ago that was last Wednesday an hour ago yeah oh oh yeah hey man we're getting closer
00:37:51
to our Rel release date you know it's too bright but Biden came out well come on I'll debate you anywhere any time come on make my day that was his direct quote I like how he's tougher now
00:38:04
you know he's got some confidence they he's walking in the helicopter they're like hey you hear what Trump said he's like [ __ ] that
00:38:11
guy you know what I mean he's like anytime anywhere I know he was pretty loud and aggressive I guess they read
00:38:18
the te's people think he's too old or whatever so I they give if he State of the Union Biden he he'd be pretty strong
00:38:25
you know I'll beat the hell out of here take a wood shed Trump's like I I'll go with you
00:38:31
anytime let's go many rounds let's go many rounds I can't wait I'll take you down so hard you be crying all the way
00:38:38
for your mama he doesn't Trump doesn't sleep and Biden sleeps all the time that's what I
00:38:43
picture Trump's like at 3:00 a.m. texting thinking of Twitter's he literally is a threeh hour a night guy
00:38:51
but um I don't know I mean I think that by Biden will probably I don't I bet they don't debate I think it's said oh really Biden's got to get that go- go juice
00:39:05
whatever it's you know maybe it's just a good nap because sometimes they forget he's 82 here Mr President you have 45
00:39:11
events today we're going to fly to seven states you know and Biden's so stubborn he's like I can do that I'll fly all
00:39:17
over anybody give a speech all day long and by the end of the day you know what happens where's everybody go what's
00:39:25
going on yeah I don't know I'm going to Vegas this weekend even that one hour trip I'll be like you know the time
00:39:32
change I'm tired even though they go the it's the same time I go I know but I was born in Michigan and it's two hours
00:39:38
later and I just haven't adjusted and you have your magic juice right before you go on stage right oh yeah you your
00:39:46
little whatever you do you get it I'm going like this now folks FKS I'm going I'm going this is what you used to do I know I'm holding the mic in my hand people in your cars took me two years to
00:40:00
BU took the mic off the stand mhm I want to lean back in my cool shirt [ __ ] my
00:40:05
hair looks cool today cuz I had a did yesterday for this thing we shot something yesterday up here in Kansas
00:40:11
well what's with the hat then if it looks cool the Hat's stupid but I have such a headache because of all the rigal
00:40:18
I was doing yesterday and I slept like dog [ __ ] I feel like [ __ ] pie so I'm just I just had to Rally myself to do this and I can't believe I'm still a 10
00:40:30
out of 10 uh I put you at a 12 oh you know what we should tell people we're trying to get Dr Steven Greer on the show next week or the week after whoa talk about
00:40:41
UFOs I would love to talk about UFOs where's Spade it's like where's W oh this is funny let me explain this picture because it always comes up my Instagram okay okay this caught me off
00:40:54
guard but I did want to talk about this the shy guy on the right is not guy fury
00:41:01
it's I know Mark McGrath sugar R mcrath yes no well uh there's Spade looking crazy there's Eminem and there's Kid Rock now this is this is the um Joe Dirt
00:41:14
Premiere and what happened was there's a little bit of a Kur fuffle and confusion because I invited all these people to
00:41:22
the premiere so my PR play said anybody you want so the C to just shoot me and these people and all my friends and family and blah blah those never went out so for some reason this screw up
00:41:36
horrible screw up I get to the premiere and the only reason these people are here is because we all drove together
00:41:43
and so in a limo old school limo not a Hummer like a like a low one like pick up Kid Rock pick up Eminem Eminem's nephew Nate I think was his name and we
00:41:55
all went and it was a [ __ ] blast but I go where's everybody else and sea Penn came with his kid because I told him
00:42:03
anyone I didn't see in person and tell didn't know about it so you know 40 people that were like show busy celeb types didn't come so it's really just us
00:42:15
which looks bad but it was definitely fun people and then I look crazy I wee like this flannel shirt is that are you wearing sunglasses at night I'm wearing sunglasses in the day
00:42:27
I think that inside we got there when it was sunny yeah everything I think it looks
00:42:34
cool I just love that were there M&M's in the LMO did he bring any M&M's yeah Kid Rock normally it's required you have small rocks in the car M&M's M&M's
00:42:47
yes and you need dirt I think they're on moon rocks which is like Molly every time people do moon
00:42:55
rocks I'm like what are those again they used to be a candy Dana that's how old I am but now moon rocks so we did the
00:43:02
movie and then we're going to the Afterparty here but I wore these old glasses that I thought were like Kurt
00:43:08
cainy I I just thought they were cool I think they're women's yeah but anyway you look cool I see this show up so and it really just sums up the old days but
00:43:20
it was super fun what does that make you feel I'll be your therapist for a second regret shame Joy scared
00:43:27
child no I didn't know Jo dir if if it would work or whatever we just saw it and it works of course in a Premiere because it's like a paid audience basically wasn't Joe Dirt I'm just going
00:43:39
to call it isn't it sort of a classic because people refer to it to me all the time yeah I mean I think it didn't make a $100 million in the theater but it's
00:43:51
but it made it on video yeah that's back when you could do a movie and then it comes out in video and can make a $100
00:43:56
million just because every time someone goes to Walmart the people that wanted to make the sequel the first offer we
00:44:03
had was from Walmart not a studio they said we will sell this in two seconds give us a sequel we'll put it up right
00:44:10
by everyone they said the DVD sells the same every month it doesn't go down so everyone just grabs it grab they go we need another one they'll grab two and so we almost made a movie with Walmart
00:44:22
which is crazy especially back then a collab and uh yeah good idea now we're working on a J joder cartoon but I think haven't you already done a jod can't
00:44:33
believe you haven't done one by now a cartoon I know it feels like a good idea we started to do it then everything fell apart I think it was Co related could I
00:44:42
play kind of a a red rednecky character that on your adventures you run into them yeah it's a good idea red rednecky
00:44:49
redneck comedian you can't go wrong with the Dana Carn voice when you're name car
00:44:55
I'm a catch face machine come get y you could take any ratty little catchphrase that you left in the [ __ ] gutter that you couldn't get on and bring it on repeat it repeat it mix it I'm repeat
00:45:09
guy I'm all I exist to do is say a catchphrase come and get some come and get some come and get some how about SNL when people would put a sketch in and it was a repeating character and if it
00:45:21
didn't work on page one it was 18 pages of bity blob I'm FL flippy flobby I'm a grumpy old man and I don't like things now compared to the way they used to be
00:45:37
that was actually funny but when you hear a guy go and I got caught in a mouse trap and then he says it 50 times everyone's like we didn't buy it the
00:45:43
first time and now we hate it I know at the end Lauren's like all cold open all hat no
00:45:52
cattle what is it all hat no cattle that's a Montana phrase of showbo or guy trying to be bigger than he is it's all oh like a guy wears a cowboy hat but he doesn't have a ranch
00:46:03
well there's no there there it's just a showboater you you know I do like those terms Showbiz terms when you do joke on
00:46:11
a joke people call it a hat on a hat you pitch a joke and you go it's kind of a hat on a hat like we already have a
00:46:18
funny joke we don't need another one [Music] okay this show is sponsored by better help I got to get it off my chest Dana
00:46:34
traffic traffic I can sense it you're carrying stressors around big and small you keep them bottled up and it can
00:46:41
start to affect you negatively sir people cutting me off drives me nuts we've talked about it I follow them for
00:46:47
a 100 miles until I get a wave yes therapy is a safe space David to get things off your chest and to figure out
00:46:54
how to work through whatever is weighing you down mhm whether or not you've been
00:46:59
to therapy personally um it's got a lot of benefits if you're thinking of starting therapy give better help a try
00:47:06
it's entirely online designed to be convenient flexible suited to your schedule you fill out a brief
00:47:12
questionnaire you get match with licensed therapist switch therapist anytime for no additional
00:47:19
charge I've been in therapy uh and I found it very useful you get a lot of good information they question you on your thinking negative thinking can lead to depression you know we're all like a
00:47:32
can of fruits or vegetables or whatever David and we need someone else to read the label and that's where better help
00:47:39
comes in they're going to read the label so get it off your chest with betterhelp visit betterhelp.com
00:47:45
Superfly today to get 10% off on your first month that's betterhelp hp.com Superfly the most important part oh the graduation names let's play this
00:48:01
okay and then you this is a real graduation and they mess up the names Victoria Lee zubert Bross jiku Lynn Bo
00:48:15
Alisa Cole Bishop Allison care Camp bull Tom mold May for people in their cars they are getting it really wrong that's Thomas Michael kavari
00:48:37
Junior was that real that's real from New York wow but they said somebody was in the prompter and they gave them wrong pronunciation so someone's just not looking at the name they're just reading
00:48:47
pronunciations they should have looked at the name too Dad Spa die I've had worse that'd be
00:48:55
you I mean when they bring you up Dan Garney that's not really your name I got a lot of Dana Garney Dana Garney in the early days is stand up and Dana are you
00:49:07
a girl are you a girl Dana Dana Dana Carvey Dana garno and yours is always David Spade spa spa they'd really really mess it up and
00:49:19
call me Flip Wilson who called you spudley first Dennis Dennis spudley okay spudley
00:49:28
and spoodle oh Kevin NE I think calls me spoodle um and uh spudley spudnick spudley what's what's up kids huh having fun on that little uh video clip thing
00:49:42
you're putting on sounds good how's still called named after an insect of some time and what's the what's the
00:49:48
sequel an arthropod come on now do the caterpillar podcast okay Spud Spud the uh just shoot me got canceled they mowed down your money tree somebody cut down a money tree in
00:50:03
the backyard can we have Dennis on Superfly just we got to have Dennis again just to be a just for five minutes
00:50:09
and have him just talk about stuff you know but I did just see on my phone that Biden wants can't the Can't Believe It's Not Butter Company to sponsor the uh
00:50:20
that's nice yeah this is this debate between me and Donald Trump has brought to you by Camp Believe It's Not Butter there you go catch I he should
00:50:32
have they should have an a collab I Can't Believe It's Not Biden or I can't believe that's Biden I can't believe that's Biden he
00:50:43
comes out every time he comes out looking different they like is this the guy I want the degradation of manners
00:50:50
and politeness in American society to devolve even further I want them literally grappling I want I'm going to
00:50:58
hit you now Joe I'm going to hit you hard you're going to be crying all the way down I got strong hands I used to
00:51:03
work on a Mustang in 1942 I'll strangle you I think it should just be a Dana White should produce the de put him in the ring put him in I I got a take down
00:51:15
I got moves like you wouldn't believe I can strike on top and I can take you to the floor what about Sumo diapers they
00:51:21
wear those things they just rustle each other and Biden already has a diaper on so he wouldn't even have to what a
00:51:29
burn who's going to do better I apologize for that joke is Trump Biden G to out score Mike Tyson Jake Paul what's
00:51:38
who's gonna watch more boy that yeah we have to get Tyson on here yeah you know with the thing about Tyson I remember this he always was uh he'd
00:51:50
act tough before the fight then he'd beat the hell out of the guy and then he was so sweet afterward I like that about
00:51:57
Tyson CU before the fight he's like yeah I'm going to kill your whole family I hit you so hard your whole family's
00:52:03
going to be hurt I'll kill your whole family with my fist and then he beats the hell of the guy and goes yeah I
00:52:08
really like you I thought you get a great fight I'd like to knit a sweater for you maybe a best sweater I'll make a
00:52:13
sweater for you that's after the fight come on Spade I'm laughing at it I'm trying to add to it oh you're I know what you know I do that too you're come on let me come over
00:52:24
to the park let me push you on the swing yeah before the fight my fist are going
00:52:30
to kill you I'm going to break your brain to break everything after the fight it's like do you want to go to the park and do the seaw I think we let's do
00:52:37
the seaw let's do the seaw come I know Rees with spoon come with my book club you always want to be
00:52:44
a good loser you know good loser guy well sakes all right what else you got you got a bee in your Bonnet is that it what else we got loaded up let's play something if we have anything left
00:52:56
people like God dang some of this stuff's Evergreen what is this guy let me see oh I thought
00:53:03
these two guys were funny These Guys these guys committed the ultimate crime and they confessed 30 years later
00:53:09
okay all right how y'all doing it well we don't I can't say our names but this me me and Robert and if you had your locker stacked in the 80 maybe 79 to
00:53:23
881 at the sulur high school and you're looking at the culprit we did it it was us and y'all never knew y'all if you you see this video and you're from Sofer we
00:53:35
stacked your lockers and it was funny to watch y'all kick all your Ching paper down the
00:53:41
hallway yeah but we did that and we never got caught remember when the principal threatened us we going to
00:53:47
catch you yeah well he didn't catch us the Statue limitations run out so you can't do nothing now yeah that's funny wasn't it though yeah they didn't change at all they're the
00:53:59
exact same guys who were 17 they were what does it mean stacked is that oh that means when you poop diarrhea through the vents of their locker is that right you're like oh this
00:54:10
story just got unfunny no that's not I think it I don't know what it means what does it mean Heather you think maybe
00:54:16
they were shoving things oh they shove like papers in the vents it's so dumb I don't know I guess they pack full thing
00:54:23
you can do man we got us we got it nut statue of limitations is all gone so we can do this all night long I I also put a straw in your hamburger I know you
00:54:36
have a you have a a a a 24hour Fitness locker and I snuck in there last Wednesday come two week Tuesday and I stacked that up with ball Bells ain't a
00:54:50
thing you can do about it that's a catchphrase that's so funny I took your Otter Pops out of the freezer and let him melt remember when I got you in the
00:55:00
headlock and gave you a noogie for like 45 minutes in the parking lot in Winston
00:55:07
Mississippi you can't do a thing about it statue of limitations remember we blew up the principal's car and six people died from the shrapnel okay that was us oh that
00:55:21
one's actually bad remember when I had a toy gun and I held the whole school hostage for four hours and the SWAT team
00:55:29
and the narcs were even afraid of me you remember that statue limitations n of you dig baby go [ __ ] yourself we're still buddies too I we're up to all kind
00:55:42
of craziness they're so happy that many remember when I dropped the pencil in third grade looked up your skirt ain't a thing you can do about Statue of
00:55:53
Liberation going on I a man n snapped your brows [Music] ear take that me to moving you go statue
00:56:07
this is where we need Chris Farley to just blow it out bigger than God remember the time we were at the
00:56:13
drive-in movie and I got the second base ain't a thing you can do about it all right that's a good that was a lot of energy no I like those guys cuz they were really like crafty they were
00:56:25
like we we got up to some Shenanigans yeah we got this it's almost Bill Cosby we did the bit of shenanigans at the school I just love that they're
00:56:37
so happy saying it we got you I mean like they they got off their chest they're cheerful people if you can celebrate the [ __ ] show that's called high school with that much a plum I that
00:56:49
they living they they're living with guilt for how long and now they're finally free you know what someone would say to me hey Dana Garo remember when I
00:56:58
jacked you up against the locker and then my friend we held you upside down and shook you to get your lunch money
00:57:05
remember that a ain't a darn thing you can do about it the guy goes that was me and you go I know it was you dick and he's like you figured it out yeah you're right in front of me no yeah I knew you
00:57:18
well I to say I knew you going to shake me down so I had Monopoly money in my pockets
00:57:27
all right that's it D I got a million things I got a million things that's it it's been two and a half
00:57:33
hours it's fun I don't want to I don't want to didn't want it to end I had no place
00:57:40
else to go but I still got to fly back you did tremendous look at his hair though I can't get over it um I like it you you want it to look like it's not it just
00:57:52
happens on its own organic time not all [ __ ] blanched out from this I look like one of the golden gals well now that now you can do this from the road any hotel in America you
00:58:04
can do Superfly oh yeah Superfly still flies oh I realize I do make sounds but Dana this is where we're similar you
00:58:18
make sounds that sound like people and I make sounds that sound like inanimate objects so it is similar right whatever makes whatever's funny doesn't matter it
00:58:29
doesn't matter give me an a what was that I was the that guy but he had something he had a tongue he had a liist or something had a speech impediment I British up across I'm one of the most
00:58:43
powerful people in great buison but I do have this speech impediment there's not a damn thing I can do about it except
00:58:50
Charles no it's just holy [ __ ] another oh there's an earthquake oh they happened once in a while no harm don't worry it's nothing nothing worri about it's fine
00:59:02
[ __ ] godamn it cuz someone stop this incessed trembling I don't trembling who would have thought that shaking the laptop I love it I can't almost get enough of it I like that it
00:59:15
came back at the end all right all right we'll see you next week and uh I'll be in Vegas this
00:59:21
weekend at the Venetian and then I go to Atlanta Savannah and Charleston wow all
00:59:27
right thanks everybody and Dana I will see you soon buddy this has been a presentation of
00:59:34
Odyssey Superfly is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade Jenna Weiss sperman of Odyssey Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman hope you liked it
00:59:46
[Music]