00:00:00
Dana, it's so good to see you. Quickly, I have to tell you the greatest story in the world. Ah, great.
00:00:06
If you have time, don't fast forward. I'm excited already. You can see I'm just stretching. Okay. It all started before I get to the
00:00:12
best unreal story you've ever heard. You never exaggerate or, you know, kind of This is a new thing where we start by exaggerating. Okay. So,
00:00:24
I was on the road and on the road. On the road. We know. We know. Spade, you were on the goddamn road. But
00:00:31
I leave my I'm with Tommy Farley. He's uh Chris's nephew. He's with me helping out anyway.
00:00:36
Oh, I remember Tommy. Yeah, he's an actor here in town. Yeah. So, we go we're going we're going to the gig. I forget something. It's the
00:00:45
second night. You know, when you go hotel to hotel. So, I'm in Jacksonville and if someone hears us, they'll laugh. So, I go back. I go I got to run back to my room. So I run up and I leave my door
00:00:58
cracked sometimes when I run around in the hotel because I forget my keys sometimes. So yeah. Yeah. I get back and I'm like, "Oh
00:01:05
my god, I cracked my door again." But I was leaving for the night. So I go, "That's so stupid." So I go in
00:01:10
and I can't I'm looking around going, "Where's my bag? Where's my And the bed's messy." And you know, of course, I
00:01:16
realize this is not my room. I'm not in my room. I'm in someone's room. I've had that has a messy bed. Same room as mine. And I'm like, it's just such a weird feeling. I go, "Oh my god, am I what am I doing?
00:01:29
There's a wall right here. Oh [ __ ] this isn't my room." And then I don't know if someone's in the bathroom. If they walk out, I'm terrified. So then
00:01:39
I just sprinted out without anything happening. But then I obviously shut the door and ran. And uh either I locked them out or they were in the bathroom,
00:01:51
right? How weird though if I they would have walked out and saw someone in there. A lot of hotel stuff's like that. I've
00:01:58
I've walked in the wrong room and done the wrong but you know I have to say that was the
00:02:04
best story of the year. Um well maybe I hyped it too much because stream it too. Spade walks into wrong room and then walks out of wrong room. Five
00:02:18
stars. Five stars. Uh clip it. Send it out. What about this? Here's another really riveting part of it. Okay, that one. You're not going to top that. No. I get back on the elevator and I
00:02:30
realize I hit 11 because I was in 11 the night before and just by wrote I went, "Do you just hit 11?" Oh, so you figured it out? Yeah. I was in two hotels.
00:02:42
Oh, yeah. What did you do on the break? No. a a woman who's my wife's sister named Neve was getting married. Okay. And she would laugh at this. It was her third marriage. Um she's adorable. So I
00:02:58
was going to fly out. So Paula is This is more informational than laughs a minute because it's Paula's going to fly
00:03:04
with her mom um who's 93 or four. And I was so I went in reconoided. I went in the day early. So that flight was kind
00:03:16
of interesting cuz I hate I don't like to get to the airport at the end. You like to be like OJ in the Herz rent a
00:03:21
car things like hurdling things. So you like to sprint. There were some really out of shape people in my two flights
00:03:28
like getting by getting by. Really should not be trying to run actually running well north of 60 kind of overweight but
00:03:36
sprinting like a slow motion. So anyway so I got to the airport and it was delayed three hours. So that was
00:03:43
kind Oh, and you were rotting at LAX. No, I was in a small metro airport. Oh, we're not saying what. Okay. And I walked up and down and up and down. And if I have the baseball cap on
00:03:55
and I change my lower jaw, they either think I'm Mickey Roor or something. But yeah, no one everyone's so busy at the airport sometimes they don't even pay attention. So you probably take this plane. I've
00:04:07
been flying Boeings recently, I think. Cuz when you go on an Airbus, it takes off and it sounds like the engine is
00:04:15
literally an oversized lawn mower and it's really working hard cuz you're going down, it's a giant, you know, it's
00:04:21
200 people takes off. You've heard the sound. You know that sounding? It's really And you're like, "This isn't is this normal?"
00:04:32
Yeah. Is this and then when and then it always in one minute I know it but it downshifts the first time you hear it's
00:04:38
like you're just taken right off the car mat and then it goes right like it gave up you know and the kind of drops a little bit scary.
00:04:52
You feel like Yeah. You feel like maybe the guy dropped the [ __ ] or something. Yeah. So I got there a day early.
00:04:59
There's a hotel attached to the Denver airport. You just go right through the terminal into the hotel.
00:05:04
No, I like that actually. Which is pretty cool. So the whole day I get there, I got to pick up the rent a car, learn how to drive around the
00:05:11
largest airport in the world. Literally pretty much. You're driving? Well, I'm getting to rent a car so I can
00:05:18
pick up my wife and mother-in-law at the curb the next day. And I'm sure you've dealt with this. All the directions. How do you get to the rent a car? Well, you know, it's so vague. You go out the
00:05:31
biggest airport, Denver. It's such a cluster. You go out. So, I still was never totally sure I was going to make
00:05:38
it, but I did a test run. The next day, they come in and they're at the curb. Oh, you did a test run. I did a test run, but I still at the last second of my east, west, south,
00:05:49
they said, "Well, go to the cell phone place." So there's a place 10 miles away and everyone's in there looking at looking at their cell phones cuz you can't wait at the gate. So they're all
00:06:00
just in there and then all of a sudden they start moving. I'm like, "Holy [ __ ] I got to go." So then I followed them and we made it and then we checked into
00:06:07
a Best Western. Dana James Carvey. Well, let me put it this way. If if anything says best, you expect some kind of best.
00:06:22
That's the best hotel. So my my mother-in-law Ann, by the way, her whole house flooded. There's
00:06:28
carpenters everywhere. Kitchen floor will be replaced. So she's coming from a random flood that flooded the
00:06:34
downstairs, blah blah blah. So I go get them and we go to the Best Western. Now I go into my room. You could say paper thin, whatever you do. But there
00:06:46
was a guy next to me when I tried to go to sleep that apparently uh was throwing up from drinking too
00:06:53
much alcohol. Sure. So it was 10 minutes of it. I felt like he was in the room with me. So I'm trying Neverland. But I realized
00:07:06
my pillow was like I don't know if you could ever get a rubber pillow like her monster could sleep on it but not a
00:07:11
regular human. like it doesn't go down at all. You have a sensitive neck, right? Yeah. So, it's like 10:00, but Target is open.
00:07:19
So, Paul and I go over to get me a $2 pillow to see if that'll work for me. And so, the next morning, I get up, but my mother-in-law an her room is flooded
00:07:31
and has a sewage component. She came from the flood into a flood. She came from the flood into another
00:07:37
flood. So, we're like, we called an audible. We didn't try to switch rooms, anything. Paula said, "We got we gotta
00:07:44
go. We got to get out of here." Even though all the wedding party like 40 people are at the hotel. So, we went
00:07:49
over to the Hilton. We go. This is awesome. Big atrium. The guy's checking. Okay, let me see. I
00:07:56
think I have no Oh, we have 100. This is quoting. We have 125 people checking in
00:08:03
in two hours. I got one room. We're not going to share it. Then we went to a place called the
00:08:09
Armstrong and that was cool. So So it's obviously not a huge metropolis you're in. It's not Denver. Exactly. So you have to kind of get a smaller hotel.
00:08:20
I was Elvis in Fort Collins. I have never been recognized. I don't want to be starruck but party on. You know, I mean I'm not normally like that. I've seen you put in an No one goes to
00:08:32
Fort Colin. So I'm Elvis for the entire weekend. I can't hide. Hey man, you know, I'm I'm a little starruck. I don't
00:08:40
really know what to say to you, but anyway, we had a wedding of 4 days. Oo, we had dinners. We had breakfast. We had pick You want to go to the makeup pick the flowers thing? No, I think I'll
00:08:52
tap out on that. Oh, you got an itinerary. You can pick things. Yeah, you could kind of go. Paula was going. So, anyway, the wedding happened
00:08:59
out in the middle of nowhere. You drive like roads, roads, then dirt roads, dirt roads to a abandoned lake with a wreck
00:09:06
room and where they film Chainsaw Massacre. And we're out there pre-wedding. Guess
00:09:13
what? Leak, toilet backed up, sewage problems, water flooding in the little wreck room area where the big table. What's happening? We got a guy a guy comes and is snaking
00:09:26
the thing while the wedding's going on. the wedding it the guy's playing an obo or something like these it was like Ken
00:09:32
Burns kind of stuff really and the weather got incredibly dramatic so the vows were mature vows
00:09:39
these people are have lived you know and they're very emotional but the cool part was the groom Jeffrey wrote a poem about
00:09:48
Neve it was very beautiful and then with his friend he made a song out of it with
00:09:54
AI so [ __ ] it worked its way and beautiful singer. A lot of people who was singing that song a lot of seniors there. That was AI. Well, what do you mean AI?
00:10:07
Dag nab it. That sounds just like a real song. Like a witch. So then the bathroom was out. So you had to do a hike up a you had to go to this. It's a
00:10:19
deliverance vibe. There's this house up the block that'll let us use her bathroom and a woman on a swing. What
00:10:25
are you doing here? You know, there's a guitar laying down on the carpet, toys everywhere, a junk dog. Everything is So
00:10:33
anyway, it was great. And on the way back, my mother-in-law needed a wheelchair through the airport. Never
00:10:39
went through an airport like that because we were with her. We just went, we were king. Cut through like butter. Did you get on
00:10:46
a cart? No. We just followed that wheelchair, man. Beep beep. Sometimes they pull a cart up and I say, "No thanks. I want to walk it. I need steps.
00:10:58
I don't know if anything Well, I could go on more, but that's kind of that's the general gist.
00:11:03
Is that the long and short of it? I like vows where they're like on the third marriage going, "Hey, let's just see what happens. Let's let's let's try it out." Well, this was so emotional. It's kind
00:11:15
of like they finally checked off all the boxes on the person they had, you know? Good, good, good. Like, you're I want someone who's like
00:11:22
this and like that. And so it was I I'm tear up easily. Of course I do. I was cuz you know I've known Neve. I've known Paula's sister since she's 6 years old.
00:11:34
And I was the funny boyfriend that came around you know and so we had this thing where I had a Volkswagen Bug and she
00:11:41
would sit on my lap and drive the car. This is in the late '7s. And then if we saw a motorcycle guy with a helmet on, I'd say bubblehead 2:00.
00:11:52
And then you press the button that sprayed the water on the actual windshield. It just pretend that you're
00:11:58
actually somehow spraying the bubble head. She never forgot that. Sitting on my lap driving bubble head to
00:12:05
Did they ever have the courtesy during their vows to say, "How about a round of applause for Dana Carver is here?"
00:12:12
Well, there was. Does anyone else want to speak? Right. Oh, yeah. There you go. You got time to do a set and
00:12:18
h No, but then I thought I don't want I want this to be their day. I don't want to get up and start, you know, nah.
00:12:25
Yeah. And everyone's like this. But it was very emotional. It was it was sweet and you know it is mature. I do
00:12:33
think you know getting married in that age group. Maybe you are a little more picky or just kind of Well, you probably sync up more than when you were 24 or something cuz
00:12:45
everyone changes so much in their life and then by that point they probably it's fun to find someone a little later.
00:12:52
You go, "Hey, I have someone to roll with." It's Yeah. And I I really like the uh the
00:12:58
groom and then you can't help but you're there and you're a husband and then you're hearing
00:13:03
compliments about him. You go, "Geez, do I qualify for that?" You always you're always there for me. You protect me. You
00:13:09
take care of me. She's just darting her eyes going, "Oh, boy." Paula is already She's already yawning.
00:13:16
She's like, "Oh, you can get all those things and and you do this and you do that and do that." And I'm like, "Uh, we're so
00:13:23
Everyone was shocked that we've been married 42 years cuz there's like 14 divorces between the two families and
00:13:29
they were all there literally." And they're like, "What? Did I hear that right?"
00:13:34
No. Everyone is shocked, but you know, I've met Paula and she's so cool that I could I could see it.
00:13:41
I could see it. Interesting. I could see how you guys get along and you both very mature
00:13:48
and you have a good thing going, which is not what everyone has going. Well, in the end of the day, I think
00:13:54
someone said this recently, who are you going to watch TV with, right? Marry that person.
00:14:01
That's actually what it ultimately boils down to is hanging out. All right, I have some more superficial stuff to talk about. That was nice though. I do cry at that. I cry at
00:14:13
commercials. I cry anywhere. Uh this is I tear up. Oh, Heather, by the way, that we should
00:14:19
do that Liam Niss video. Do you have it in there anywhere or do Only I have it? I have it. Well, you have it. I have it, too. Just send it while I'm doing this. We'll get to it. I'd like to see that cuz the
00:14:31
whole who's his new girlfriend from Baywatch? Pamela. I've had people say to me that's not
00:14:36
real, is it? I don't know. I know. It's very believable. It's funny cuz I knew Pamela in the old
00:14:42
days. I don't talk to her anymore and I can't find her. Her old number doesn't work. And I'm like, we should have her on. And she's got a movie out. I think
00:14:50
we should have her on. She's great. She's super upbeat, fun, but she's got great voice. She'd be fun to have on,
00:14:56
but we'll see. Uh, Heather's going to send that in. In the meantime, someone asked me this weekend two little trivia
00:15:03
questions. One, they saw a Joe Dirt screening. They told Heather, you know, when you screen a movie first. Yeah, of course. And you know, in the movie, Dana, I don't want to give it all the way, but I
00:15:16
look I'm looking for my parents. And I I've seen it 11 times. It's embarrassing to say that. It's embarrassing. You've seen it too much. I actually think it's it's a sleeper when
00:15:27
the clips I've seen of it and I go yeah there's just a fun I see why it's lasted there's such a
00:15:33
gentle fun silly and yeah it's got some crunchy moments word packages and so you know
00:15:40
like you said in movies I always remember the quirky throwaways the weird little bits and it has has a measure of
00:15:46
that and I am not sarcastic and I'm actually a genuine person which is I know I couldn't believe it when I saw
00:15:52
it what happened to the funny guy I totally I'm a nice guy that gets pushed around and people start to feel for you.
00:15:58
the parents were pa were played with uh by Gary Buucy and Roseanne and I for I didn't forget that but I forgot the day they shot Fred Wolf the other writer
00:16:09
didn't come in and I was like he's I think he said he was sick but I'm like you cannot leave me alone with Gary
00:16:16
Buucy going I got a line change I spoonfed Eisenhower you know he says like all these crazy
00:16:21
oh one of those guys he talks like Charles Manson or something was my cousin Yeah, he just
00:16:28
goes and he can he can talk in a run-on sentence for maybe 15 minutes. So, he's pitching me ideas and Roseanne, who I know better and well,
00:16:40
wasn't as big of wasn't really a problem. Just she's a comedian. So, she goes, I might change this fine.
00:16:47
So, we do it, but it's such hurting cats because there's so much going on in that scene anyway. It's a very crux of the
00:16:54
movie. And so, we do it. we and every take is different and and Gary's saying so many things. He was in Black Sheep so
00:17:00
I know him a little bit and he's definitely funny. It was just hard to wrangle him to get my cues from my lines
00:17:06
or Roseanne. So anyway, we showed at a screening and I remember Sandler saying movie's great. It got laughs all the way through. We have to change the parents
00:17:18
because it is the one thing that didn't quite work. So we went and reshot which is very normal for movies. I think they were. They weren't in the movie. We went and re-shot it. That's why it's funny.
00:17:28
Someone saw it with Rosanne. I go, "How would you see it with her? I thought we cut it before we
00:17:34
I thought they were You said they were in it. I wasn't misremembering." So, who were the parents? We had Fred Ward and
00:17:43
this woman, both character actors that were good, but it was we decided not to steal focus with uh stars, just have
00:17:50
them regular parents, regular scene because it's kind of emotional scene. because they don't really like me. Um
00:17:56
anyway, weird, huh, that Roseanne and Gary Buucy were the parents. I had a weird thing once I was doing
00:18:01
Master of Disguise. I was so happy to get Robert Loa because of Big and and all that like he would be house.
00:18:11
Yeah, he'd be he'd be the grandfather and stuff. And then so at the read through afterwards, you know, they said
00:18:18
uh the accent's too shaky. You know, he's supposed to do Italian accent, you know. Uh oh, what happened then? Oh,
00:18:26
it's too shaky. So, it was kind of torturous because I But I think he got his full payment and he went to Italy. Oh, who dropped the hammer? You no read through?
00:18:38
I think Jack Jackuto, but only well intended. I mean, he did. Everyone loved Robert. It was just sort of maybe it's not quite, but you know, the movie was so goofy. I think Barbara
00:18:51
Stryand was really cool. She visited the set. Oh, and James Brolan was playing. Oh, he's in it. He's in it, too. And he's doing an Italian accent. I'm doing Italian. And she she Barbara said very gently and
00:19:06
nicely, she goes, I just um I don't understand why the accents are all so different. I mean, shouldn't they sort of be kind of the same? And by the way, when I met her, I had full prosthetic.
00:19:18
You couldn't even see me. It was just cuz the timing of Robert Shaw from Jaws with the shark go in the water. So I'm
00:19:25
casually talking to her as Dana looking exactly like Robert Shaw from Jaws. Shark go shark go in the water and come to the set. Oh shall leave the
00:19:38
set. So anyway movies are movies are like that. I'm obviously Gary Buuc is brilliant. Roseanne Bar is hysterical. So there is some reason maybe they were
00:19:49
Yeah, this happens a lot or Yeah, I don't know if I've been replaced on stuff, but it can happen. It just like
00:19:54
you said, Italian accents awful, but like all three of you are from obviously different parts of Italy. You should
00:20:00
have explained to Barbara Sten. I there's so many things that are off on the movie that it was put together with scotch tape and hope. I mean, but I I
00:20:11
still like this scene. I know you haven't seen it, but uh I like stuff like this, but it doesn't even make
00:20:17
sense. Like Pistachio is an Italian waiter. He's got all this spaghetti in these plays. Yes, I bring a spaghetti.
00:20:23
Here I go. And there's a table of five. And then he he falls out of frame and then you see fake legs kick up behind to make it really seem like it. Like one, two, three, throw the legs up that look
00:20:35
like his shoes. And then I'm on the table and you cut and everyone's like a cartoon. So the
00:20:41
entire party that was just normal people, they're all covered in spaghetti, but they're not moving. They're like It's like a cartoon. They're just they're just sitting there stunned,
00:20:52
covered head to toe in spaghetti. So I'm crawling across the table and I take a napkin and I'm trying to clean the guy's glasses. I clean I and then we have a shot from
00:21:04
inside of it blurry. So have you going like Yeah. So it could have been a a great
00:21:10
move. We made 100 million with video. It doesn't matter. I didn't get the hundred million. Those are funny scenes. I mean, every
00:21:17
silliness if you're doing it, there's going to be a couple funny scenes. There just has to be.
00:21:23
And also, I think I I believe it's it's pretty trit right now, but a big silly funny comedy. I think that, you know, um Liam Niss, I haven't seen it yet, but
00:21:35
it's it's and yeah, Nick Gun. So that's kind of good to me if it's just Oh, here's a video. Oh, let's give Okay. Okay. Well,
00:21:45
someone spray paint. I'm driving along. The setup is I go there's someone should draw a dick
00:21:52
and someone literally walks up while I'm driving by and draws a dick on it. So you and then that guy did.
00:21:58
Jody said it. Jody said it. Yeah. So this guy just happens to I was there to verify that is exactly what happened. Yeah. Heather says exactly what happened. We w we're driving by and
00:22:10
we're like look at his legs. How funny. And Jody goes, "Someone should draw a dick." And this guy just casually walks
00:22:16
up. I don't need I don't need the hair on the balls, but um I think it looks like a nose.
00:22:21
It looks like more of a bar chair or something. I'm not sure. I'm not going barer.
00:22:28
And uh we caught this vandal in the act. Forgot to report him, but uh so anyway,
00:22:37
that's an actually cool. It's funny that we caught that. It was crazy. It was [ __ ] crazy, D.
00:22:43
It was [ __ ] nuts. You you uh you manifested it. Yes. Yeah. Manifesto. So, you were mentioning
00:22:50
Jack in Happy Gilmore. Jack is in Happy Gilmore, one of the announcers. You just mentioned he's a producer with Adam. Anyway, he's back in Happy Gilmore 2. So, I was watching it the other day
00:23:00
and here's some trivia cuz I just gave you some Jojo trivia. When he did, well, Happy Madison is his company. And some some people were confused and
00:23:14
they said, "Why is it called that?" I said, "Oh, because his first two movies were Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore,
00:23:20
and he combined them." Mhm. You know that. People know that, but some people might not put that together.
00:23:25
No. So, uh, that's one. Also, one, oddly, he shot, we were both doing SNL. We both got a deal to do a movie. Ours
00:23:37
was Tommy Boy in that summer when the show was over. So, during this production year on weeks off at SNL, we
00:23:44
would work on, you know, the Turners were working on Tommy Boy, Freddy Wolf, Chris and I would add stuff, whatever. But that's going and then Adam and I think Hurley are writing Billy Madison,
00:23:57
but ours isn't called Tommy Boy. I've told you this. It was called Billy III, a Midwestern. That's what it said on the
00:24:03
front of the kind of funny. So he was starting shooting first. So we're like, "Oh, we can't both be
00:24:10
Billy." Farley's movie in the name was in the whole movie was Billy. So we got stuck
00:24:17
because then we changed his name to Tommy in the movie, but we had no title. So the whole movie we didn't have a title and every title was dumb. There's big time
00:24:29
rocky road. I have actually mockup of a poster that says Rocky Road and same thing us in a car. Crazy. What
00:24:37
are you going to call it? And then I think Brian Denny, his dad in the movie, Dammy boy, come here. Come in here. He
00:24:42
just would adlib that. Mhm. And then they told me later it's called Tommy Boy. And I was like, uh, I didn't really love it. I was like, Tommy
00:24:49
Boy. It you don't it it is one of those where you don't feel like you have to remember
00:24:55
it. You know, somehow it hits your brain. The Master of Skies. He was the master of the skies. That's a good title. Yeah, that makes sense. And it's and it's it sums up the whole
00:25:06
movie. It's perfect. He is a But the movie doesn't make literal sense. I think Tommy boy makes
00:25:12
sense because he he you know he the sacred mantra to become to become another person. So he goes yes I will go to the turtle club and then he starts going become another person that's the
00:25:25
sacred mantra to become another person but nothing really happens. So right and and in Tommy boy he his dad
00:25:33
passes away he wants to be like his dad he let everyone down. He doesn't want to be a failure. Yeah, there's some themes.
00:25:39
Even Happy Gilmore is a little more family oriented, a little deeper, a little more emotional than probably Happy Gilmore 1, Happy Gilmore 2. It's great. There's a ton of jokes. There's a
00:25:51
lot going on. Mhm. And of course, you've heard about the cameos. So, just a lot of fun. Very fun.
00:25:57
I was hitting him up in the first 10 minutes going, "God, so many jokes already." And also so much money like
00:26:03
just coming off of scrimpy bus boys of how much we spent on it and knowing kind of how much things cost. Like you know when you watch a movie you go, "Oh, he has an airplane in one scene just a
00:26:15
cutaway stunt where the stairs are there. You get on in the airplane when they work on the plane and the plane
00:26:21
wing hits it, knocks them over and almost hits everyone." Yeah, just that just that 300,000 you got to set up. You got to get the airport. You got to get a plane. You
00:26:32
could hurt the wing and then you got to pay for the wing. If you It knocks it over. You probably do it twice. Make sure
00:26:38
the guy's doing something. He has to time out right away. Then this falls almost on him and stunting it around
00:26:43
fire trucks. Just that. It was a cutaway and a funny one in like a montage. I'm like just
00:26:50
going, "Oh my god." So, great songs, of course. Expensive. I just had something pop into my head.
00:26:56
Yeah. Do you think Borat was the most least expensive film that made the most money? Because it's like a can of camera kind of. Yeah.
00:27:06
It's out in the world with his character. Possibly that. And uh what was the one
00:27:13
the scary one where they walked out of the handheld? They found Oh, yeah. Blair Witch. play I watch
00:27:19
which I never saw. You would hate it. Too scary. Too shaky. It was too shaky. I got a headache years
00:27:27
ago. But I don't like this kind. But I do like the idea of a found camera. It just makes the movie so
00:27:33
[ __ ] cheap. And you just focus on funny stuff, you know? Look here. We're in a real movie. We found video of a cheaper movie. So,
00:27:40
let's play that video. Yes, exactly. It's funny. It's a good hook. I don't know. Think AI. AI. We'll be able to make a movie very soon just with
00:27:52
our laptop. Look just like anything you want. Someone said the other day, "What what
00:27:57
what would the Gap girls be doing now in this day and age?" I'm sure everyone's thinking that. I go, "I'm sure it would
00:28:03
be a little harder to write Gap Girls Go to Gaza or whatever." You know, there there's a lot of things you could do.
00:28:10
Well, what about a Gap Girls movie? I mean, you know, gap girls try to stop 911. They go back in time to stop 9/11.
00:28:22
It's a little heavier than a regular gap girl. They go back to Hitler's Nazi Germany in
00:28:27
1935. Everyone wants to go back and kill Hitler. The funniest thing is not funny,
00:28:33
but a good trick we've talked about in movies is everyone's scared of being racist. You can't say any country is
00:28:40
bad. Even in this movie I just saw was Superman. They have made up names of countries. Oh, yeah. Made up countries. But you
00:28:45
kind of get the general gist, if you know what I mean. Yeah. So, you go, "Okay, that's that."
00:28:50
But, and they always fight superheroes because you can't get mad. You go, "Okay, they're bad people, I guess." But
00:28:57
when you start naming countries that are bad, everyone goes, "Hey, yeah." So, you have or you go, "Woman went back to Nazi Germany."
00:29:08
Yes. Now there's the bad guy. And everyone goes, "Okay." Well, Dunkirk, who I think
00:29:13
it was the German Nazis versus the British, they were only referred to as the enemy.
00:29:18
Yeah. E enemy planes, enemy this, enemy that. Oh, really? Cuz that's what Maverick did to puss out.
00:29:24
He really pussed out. He calls him the bad guys. The bad guys. Yeah. So, I think that in
00:29:30
Superman, the only time I kind of laughed at myself a little bit is when Lex Luthther kept pointing at Superman
00:29:35
and going, "You're just an alien." You know, in today's modern political world, you alien you. But he is an alien. So, you'll never fit in. You're an alien.
00:29:46
Yeah. But he is a literal from another planet. The way when I grew up, that's how I would uh think of the word aliens. Like
00:29:53
the movie Alien. Yeah. But it was really about the border and the securing of the border.
00:29:59
When I picture aliens, I picture the little green man. I don't picture Superman. Right.
00:30:05
But he technically is, I guess. Mhm. I liked it. Let them Oh, Superman. Did you like it?
00:30:12
Yeah. Because I go in with um gentle a gentle approach like you know what they're trying to do is launch Superman. They very tough and I think they kind of did it.
00:30:23
I didn't mind Fantastic 4 because Superman was just a story you already know. You already know twothirds of it.
00:30:31
You know the Daily Planet. You know there's Lois Lane. You know this and that. And then here,
00:30:36
who's the guy playing him is new. And then what's the story? Got a little like The Flash when they went to different dimensions and stuff.
00:30:47
Um, yeah, it was definitely out there, but they made him emotional. I mean, I go back to the comic books when I a
00:30:53
little kid. And there was a black and white television show called Superman, but they made him emotional. I thought
00:31:00
it was good. Hard to do. Hard to do. Who was that? George Reeves. James Gun. Oh, George Reeds back in the
00:31:05
day. Yeah. And Fantast Fantastic 4 was probably better than I thought. Got that out.
00:31:11
Either you have a frog in your throat or you didn't really like Fantastic 4. I really enjoyed.
00:31:18
Yeah. When I lie, I do that. Um, all right. Let's get to some headlines. Some hot headlines.
00:31:23
Mhm. Okay. Right off the press. Oh, this is an airplane. Is that a real This might be a I Okay, if this was an airplane, would you fly it?
00:31:37
Would you fly in a see-through airplane? Oh, it's AI for sure. Uh, no, not right
00:31:44
now. Like, uh, no. Or someone someone Are the toilets transparent? You have to put one
00:31:50
wall up in there. Well, first of all, if it to have bright sun, you're you are closer to the sun technically and it's coming right down on top of you. I don't mind big side windows.
00:32:01
Listen, already shooting some holes in this. Yeah. And I doubt they have a big fat No,
00:32:07
thank you. Would it scare you? If it sounded like those those Airbuses sometimes it sounds like it's kind of crying. Would
00:32:23
you do a glass bottom boat? Yep. You like that? Oh, you Oh, you like that? Yeah, cuz they're beneath me. I'm safe in the boat. If it If it was plexiglass, if it's just actual glass, it could
00:32:34
crack on a rock, no thank you. Have you seen in China they have like First of all, plexiglass over something
00:32:40
scares your brain to walk on. You don't want to walk on it. Yeah. Because you'll fall. If there's an alligator under there,
00:32:46
you think you're gonna fall. So, it's very hard to make your body walk on it. And then China, they have ones that
00:32:51
pretend to crack so everyone freaks out. Population. Is it part of a theme park?
00:32:58
Unreal. And everyone goes, I don't I go I would kill. How do they go? What is that?
00:33:05
And then they get on the plane and then they get off. Good transition. Sorry, that was a little earthquake. man
00:33:19
in an earthquake. Just a little appertif. It does pretty good in the comments. Okay, what's next?
00:33:25
Well, I didn't do it properly. Maybe I'll do it later. You can read us. Mhm. California leads the nation in both
00:33:31
unemployment and homelessness. Connect the dots. I don't know. I like Is that fake? Is a tree on fire on top of everything else?
00:33:43
Sounds like the fire was added. I think they're like sum up California AI in this picture. Fire, homeless,
00:33:50
crime, burning. Mhm. News. What are those vans? Yeah. I don't know. I mean, we still
00:33:57
have great weather right now. I don't want it just to be great weather and we we need more in California. Get
00:34:04
back to the old days. More going on. Just just basic stuff. We want our goods and services to function properly. We want as much as possible um feel safe
00:34:17
walking around. Safe is a big one. Going places ideally back in the day in the 50s when they put in the highway system. I'm going to ask you a question. We can check with AI. How they put in
00:34:30
like four lanes on both sides most of the time. Yeah. And then you have gridlock forever. How
00:34:35
many lanes did they need? This is a good question, Heather. How many lanes should they have put in initially? like 20
00:34:42
lanes on each side before they built all the buildings and everything around the freeway or at least 10 lanes on each
00:34:48
side. Those [ __ ] idiots. Well, I mean, back then it wasn't as popular. You didn't know. Well, they thought it was impossible. Yeah. Who would come? I'm telling you, four lanes, both sides
00:35:00
automobiles. There's no way anyone's ever going to have to slow down. There's just ain't enough god dang cars in the
00:35:07
world. Right after I moved here, they said they were building a new lane on the 101 freeway in Hollywood. And I was like, it took them 5 years. And I'm
00:35:16
like, what do they think is going to happen at the end? It's like a buying making a pair of pants for a 2-year-old
00:35:21
and then they're seven now. Because they go, do they think people are going, "Oh my god, I forgot about the new lane."
00:35:26
That's a good way to put it. Yeah. They got they got little toddler pants and then they have these adults. But if this
00:35:33
is true, this breaks my heart cuz Disney, Walt Disney was a visionary and I think he wanted to put a Montreal in
00:35:40
the middle of all the freeways, above ground Montreal and potentially a Montreal all the way to San Francisco
00:35:46
because were you ever as happy if you're a kid at Disneyland. Welcome to the United, you know, to the Magic Kingdom. Please exit on the right. You will enter
00:35:59
the plastic punishment room where you will be settled up and the score will be even. In the magic kingdom, the plastic punish room always loves you best.
00:36:11
What? Well, that robotic voice they use to take you on and off the Montreal sounds slightly slightly your wallet and keys down. They will be taken. This is a robbery.
00:36:25
Explosions will not be tolerated. Please, when the Montreal stops, exit to the right and enter the place where people don't want to go. The place where people want to go is the Magic Kingdom's
00:36:37
favorite kingdom. Exit right and then take a left to the plastic punishment room. Well, all secrets remain secrets. Last time I went to Best I can do right
00:36:49
now. Last time I went to Disneyland, I got on one of those trams. I parked in the wrong spot and so they're like,
00:36:54
"It's over yonder." I go like like see that little bubble and I'm like that's where I'm going. This is where I parked and that's where I'm going. It's another mile or so. So I get on a tram and it's like but everyone on the tram was trying
00:37:07
to help me, you know. So like I'll I'll walk with you. I'll show you where it is. I'll walk with you. Paul and I on a
00:37:14
Saturday morning a couple years ago, we just said we're in West Hollywood. We go
00:37:19
[ __ ] it. We have nothing to do. Let's just start let's start driving to Disneyland. Whoa.
00:37:25
So we didn't, you know, so we went in there and they go, "Well, the park is full. Disneyland's full on a [ __ ]
00:37:32
set, but if you buy a ticket for California Adventure Land, you can then go into Disneyland." So it was like $1,300 each. We stayed for 90
00:37:45
minutes. God dang. We didn't We did Pirates Caribbean. Any ride. So you did something good.
00:37:52
We did one ride and then we just walked around. just still love it though. It's all right. Spend the money.
00:37:58
I don't want to sound racist, but I do think a lot of ants look the same. You know what I mean? Like
00:38:04
I can't tell them apart. They're like little That is racist. Okay. But I take it back.
00:38:09
Up here on the farm, which I find kind of creepy, science fictiony, we can get ant f infestations. Do you have fire ants?
00:38:21
The red ones. Well, they're probably around, too. We got all kinds of ants. But what you do is you have this thing
00:38:26
and there's it's dipped in cotton and they they eat it and they try to bring it back to the queen. So, you're seeing
00:38:33
thousands of ants, but somewhere there's a queen, you know, the size of a NBA basketball.
00:38:39
Bring me cotton balls. So, they bring it as a sacrifice and then the queen gets poison and then the ants all die. They have nothing nowhere to go if they have no
00:38:51
queen. So, you kill the queen, kill the hive. That's where ants are dumb because when the queen dies, they go, "What do we
00:38:57
do?" Well, the soldier ants, you know, complain a lot. Why am I a soldier? All I do is bust my ass all day. Get in formation, soldier. You better not get unionized. That's the
00:39:09
end of it. But I would say there's probably more stuff just on Earth that's weirder than
00:39:18
anything we could find in outer space. So, how about this? at the core of the earth, the magma level. Is that what
00:39:24
it's called? It's, you know, 6,000 degrees. Why is the bottom of the ocean so cold? Go ahead,
00:39:32
Dana. Well, I don't know, but I like those shows that 25 miles beneath the surface of the ocean live the Mu Oaknoids. These
00:39:44
measure 1 mm wide and temperatures below 300° F. They thrive in this dark frozen
00:39:53
wasteland fine with it. Here's an ark nod. Now let's put a let's put a flashlight on. They've never seen a [ __ ] flashlight. Let's scare the [ __ ] out of them. They're like,
00:40:04
"Here's an ark nod being nod. Here's the rest of the Arknard's life. Here it is passing away. They don't do much. Like what is the
00:40:16
point? They go like this and then the light goes on and they go and then they go back to their life.
00:40:23
When they're first born, they're really surprised by how [ __ ] freezing. They're like, I can't wait till summer. They're like, I got some bad news.
00:40:35
There's no summer. But I don't know the line. Yeah. And look at the stars, guys.
00:40:41
The bottom of the ocean is nuts. And I don't know why if it's molten hot, it doesn't warm up down there. Thank you. Okay. Can we get some scientists on?
00:40:51
We should get somebody interesting on for once instead of you. Answer our questions. No, I know I'm not
00:40:58
interesting. I go to the scientist. Hey, can you answer my question about the ant farm? Hey, look at this. Do I have a hive?
00:41:12
All right, one more and then I Dana, I have got to get out of here. You've always You're going on the road, right?
00:41:17
I don't know. Parents leave 10-year-old alone at airport over expired passport and board flight for vacation. Um either I don't understand what I'm That can't
00:41:29
be true. Roll the tape. The parents, nobody told authorities a relative would come
00:41:35
collect the child. That means they're in another country. No one says that here.
00:41:41
Authorities remove the couple from the plane. We're gonna fly now, Tammy. Um, just
00:41:46
stay here and Uncle Socknock will come by. Yeah. Here's a couple numbers I scribbled down. Try them from the pay
00:41:52
phone. And uh, I'm sure you'll connect with them. And you know who's going to pick her up? Seriously?
00:41:58
Maui Kulkin. I'm walking. I'm talking Home Alone. Remember, right? But would he be helping her come to the house to wait for their both
00:42:10
their parents? I don't know. I think he'd just make sure she was okay at the airport. I don't know if you've thought this out.
00:42:16
Or Kieran Kulkin. One of the Kulkin boys would take I like those guys. Kieran. I knew him when he was 8 years old. We hung out a lot. Me and the Kulkin boys at SNL.
00:42:28
Oh, when he when he was Yeah. And their dad was a was, you know, a a familiar terror. What was his name? Put it that way. Uh, Dick Wad Jones. No, I don't.
00:42:40
Oh, you he remind you of your dad? Yeah. A little bit of a hurting cowboy. Yeah.
00:42:45
You know, a little bit. Uh, when McCaulay Caulkin was Sorry to interrupt your your pain. Go ahead.
00:42:51
No, my that was fine. That was a good little joke. Okay. So, McCauley's loss. We lose him
00:42:58
on SNL and then everyone's like, "Where is he? Where is he?" And then you see Lauren in an acting debut.
00:43:05
Yeah. Running down the hall going like this. Macaulay maulay. Where's Macaulay? And I remember one more with energy.
00:43:18
Do it right. I think you're joking that you need to go mau. No. And then he I remember he he hugged my colleague and then he patted his
00:43:29
back. Um I'm like really like sort of overwhelmed right now. You could see how emotional I am. Cut. Lauren, that's not your line. I I know, but I I want
00:43:42
McCauley. Do you understand why we're going to pay you in Mike and I not money? give Lauren credit that he created this comic persona around himself of the
00:43:56
unflapable area that guy he did a really funny thing when Martin Short was hosting and he's running around singing I haven't done doing Martin Short stuff hysterical and he comes around
00:44:08
and um he gets he sees Jimmy Fallon and then they kind of do a fake kiss or something you know like he's so excited and then he kind of turns turns to Lauren like that and the way the way
00:44:20
Lauren just went the way the way he just turned away with no Was that on the 50th? No, that was on just Martin Schwarz. Was he was Lauren just saying like it
00:44:31
was too big and broad for him? Yeah, he just went he just went like this just I don't know.
00:44:36
No one's going to touch me basically. But it was such a perfect move. Like he was going to kiss him next. Yeah. So he's uh he has a very funny
00:44:46
I'm not in this bit. Sometimes you write Lauren in a bit and then they go yeah Lauren's not in it anymore. I go
00:44:52
why not? I go he's not in it. What happened? Was I at the meeting? You make him look stupid or something
00:44:58
and he goes I won't be doing that. Well I think he knows who that the character of Lauren Michaels is on the
00:45:05
show. It's not what I It's not what I'm going to be unflapable. I'm going to be lowkey. I'm going to be arerudite.
00:45:14
And it's that thing of like being unflapable in a place that's very flappable. You're the unflapable one.
00:45:23
Dude, I just yawned. I can't wait to hear it. Okay, I'll keep going. I just yawn and people go in the in the
00:45:28
comments. Why' you yawn? Are you tired? I'm like, I guess. Okay. Uh, I'll be there in a minute, honey. I'm just putting comments on fly
00:45:39
on the wall. I'll be there in a bit. Okay. I got to I got to log in. Hey Dana, do you own anything else
00:45:46
besides a jean jacket and a black t-shirt? And then he goes, "Send." Honey, let me
00:45:52
just wait for a couple thumbs up. Honey, I'll be right back. I'm I'm just leaving comments for now. David Spade. Hey,
00:46:00
Spade. Did you sleep on your face again? Yeah. Hey, Spade. You're really walking
00:46:05
through this one. H you're Christopher comments to get people to Oh. Oh. Rage bait bots. Comments now out there.
00:46:18
They have bots that rage bait. What is that? I like the girl that rage baits and tells guys on dates.
00:46:25
How come you weren't an athlete in high school? Did you ever want to be? And they're like, I [ __ ] was, dude. So
00:46:30
funny. You just say things to guys that immediately makes them mad. Makes them defensive.
00:46:35
Yeah. I'll do it next week. Ooh, cliffhanger. All right, Dana, it was nice to hear
00:46:41
about your wedding. I'm glad you had a nice time. Went to the wedding, did the thing, all the events. Glad to be
00:46:48
here. Glad your Levi jacket is okay. Safe. I don't know why. I mean, if people comment, I'm just like, you know, we in the early days were switching shirts. Oh, it's this day. and get another you
00:47:01
put a hat on and then I just said I'll just be like Superman wears the same thing when he's Superman.
00:47:06
That's true. Yeah. Fantastic 42. I'm not saying I'm Superman, but you know what I mean. I have a a uniform. I like in Fantastic 4 when the thing is
00:47:17
trying to hit on a guy, a girl, and he goes, "You've got me really bricked up." That's funny. I I haven't seen that yet, but that's a funny goes like this. You got me bricked up. very quietly
00:47:30
subtly going gross. You're pointing at Superman. I know. Does that prove your point?
00:47:36
Yeah. Yeah. He's dressed in the same thing. His shoulders are unusually big. It looks like from here. Thank you. Oh. Oh, you're talking about Superman. Oh,
00:47:48
I'm sorry. I got that wrong. Oh, did you have your shoulders removed? I'll tell you what. Shoulders. Uh, you want want to shrink down? I'm fighting back with push-ups, man. But it's hard.
00:48:01
Yeah. Shoulders want to get tiny. You're wire. Um, well, is 30 push-ups strong? I don't
00:48:07
know. Oh, yeah. I've been 30 since high school. All right, I'm going to go. Do your thing. Stay on though, Dana, cuz I want to talk to you about this. I really enjoyed this episode. I really
00:48:21
enjoyed it. Next time, let's do it in my house. We had a lot of fun. I got lemonade. Okay, I'll I'll come down anytime. Bye,
00:48:28
guys. Oh. Hey guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us a
00:48:40
review, fivestar rating, and maybe even share an episode that you've loved with a friend.
00:48:45
If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now. Fly on the Wall is presented
00:48:51
by Odyssey, an executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Mattie Sprung
00:48:58
Kaiser, and Leah Reese Dennis of Odyssey. Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman. And the show is produced and
00:49:04
edited by Phil Sweet Tech. Booking by Cultivated Entertainment. Special thanks to Patrick Fogerty, Evan Cox, Mora Curran, Melissa Wester, Hillary Shuff,
00:49:17
Eric Donnelly, Colin Gainner, Shan Cherry, Kurt Kourtney, and Lauren Vieiraa. Reach out with us any questions to be asked and answered on the show. You can email us at fly
00:49:29
onthewallsey.com. That's audacy.com.