00:00:00
Hi, David. Sorry, I came in mids sentence. I'm just kind of peacocking in my coat
00:00:06
right now. Don't worry about it. You like this [ __ ] I'm organizing my hair to make it look
00:00:12
disorganized. Nice. Here's what I say when I have a nice coat on. I go, "Oh, here's actually a good one Gervid says to me when I have a coat on." He
00:00:23
goes, "I got one just like that, except mine's expensive." Well, what why should he tease the
00:00:30
client that he has more money? It's so true. The god dang agents and managers are richer than their clients.
00:00:36
It's sickening. Hey man, it all goes back to Colonel Tom Parker. Yeah, Elvis busting his hump. Elvis, let's get back out there.
00:00:47
I don't want to do 700 dates, Colonel. I'm already 525 pounds. Oh, Elvis, now you let me take care all that flabble fling flingle. You go up
00:00:59
and the people love it. Wow. I always wonder what it was like when they first revealed to him the white jumpsuit.
00:01:08
You know, we got something in mind for your next headline date. Don't take He pulls a black leather jacket. No. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Uh, why
00:01:21
look like a circus clown? What's with the bell bottoms? Well, bell bottoms are what all the kids are doing. Well, I got
00:01:27
a I got a belt buckle. Looks like a dinner plate. It You need a big belt ble cuz you're the king. Yeah. If it catches a glare, it's going
00:01:39
to knock out the driver of Atlas 31i. Christ sakes. Okay. What did he play in the end of the time there? Circus. Circus. Was that it? put uh put the king of rock up in some kind of netting
00:01:53
device so that the gamblers can look up and see have a pastrami sandwich coated with vicodin. All right, good. You know, I was staying at Circus Circus and my buddy works there.
00:02:05
And he said they built a new tower. He goes, "You know what it's going to be called? Circus. Circus Circus." And I go,
00:02:11
"Oh, really?" And he goes, "Guess what we have coming in 2029?" I go, "Circus, Circus, Circus." He goes, "Who the [ __ ] told you?" I go, "Uh, I know one. I was just guessing." And he
00:02:22
goes, "No, did someone leak that?" Cuz we signed an NDA. I go, "Well, it really couldn't be any other name."
00:02:29
That's so funny. That's my old act. When you go to Vegas, like I'd always be like, "Oh, they've seen my act, right?" So then you'd go do crowd work and you say, "Where you're staying
00:02:41
and they say, I'm at the you." And you go, "What a [ __ ] hole." That's a huge laugh. I'm at the Hilton. Oh, that's a
00:02:47
[ __ ] hole. But anyway, but I used to go they said circus circus and I go that's lousy lousy standing ovation.
00:02:53
Shut of I'm stealing that. It's gone. I forgot I met you. I stole it. Put it in the lock box. Slow motion of the audience after hearing lousy lousy.
00:03:07
Then they butter their hands and go. People think we're either hamming it up or we're punchy. I'd say we're punchy. Dude, I just landed, dude.
00:03:21
Mhm. First of all, I will tell you how Wait, what's my other story? You're like, just say your stupid Well, no, I want to hear it. I know you I know you flew in here for just to do
00:03:33
this podcast and you fly out in 20 minutes, so I need to know. It's called Married to work and how much
00:03:40
I give a care and nobody else cares. I I care. Too deep. That's my crime. I don't understand a word you're saying. I know. I look kind of cool. This is my coat I
00:03:52
wore in the special. Nobody cares. This is the coat. Yep, it is. Huh. Well, I do think the dandelion uh outfit was your
00:04:05
wasn't bad, right? I thought it was good. Yeah. Dandelion has sort of swept the nation
00:04:11
like the hula hoop. like everyone we it it's kind of fading now, but everyone got into it. Everyone was all over it.
00:04:17
It was Tik Tok trending all this clips, but it's fading out. Um, I will tell you
00:04:24
that I'll tell you quickly about my boring flight. Mhm. So, I took a flight. I went to Arizona.
00:04:30
My brother's in the hospital, so sending him good vibes by brother Brian. So, I went to see him, came back,
00:04:37
and uh you know what JSX is? Do you know those letters when they're used in that order?
00:04:43
Mhm. Well, I don't know what it means. Jumper seat X-rated. What? I don't know what it mean. Jet Sweet X.
00:04:49
I think I jet sweet. So, it's like they get a GFream. They see get an 18seater Gulf
00:04:54
Stream type or 15seater and you pay a certain amount a little extra and you can go to a pro. It's like you get to Vegas fast. You go to like it's sort of I think
00:05:06
their motto is for the almost rich. So you go and you take Southwest flight, but it's you just go to the hanger. There's no TSA. You just walk right on. You be there. You get
00:05:17
there 15 minutes before. So it's a little more cakewalk. So anyway, I land, I I go grab my bags. It's very casual. They just throw them off the plane. You
00:05:30
just grab your own and get out. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. It's Yeah. And so, of course, cuz I'm such a fragile dandelion, I
00:05:36
I have too many bags. So, I grab the big one and I give my little one a ride on it.
00:05:42
That's pretty smart. But I have one old SNL bag that is too heavy to carry all of them. So, I go, I'll come back for this one. So, I tell someone to guard it. That's like you're at the beach. Watch my stuff. You know that old
00:05:55
like they're legally responsible now. Mhm. So, I go I'm taking it by my wheels and I'm like
00:06:01
I literally go, "These aren't glass anymore. These wheels on my luggage are so kick-ass that it's so smooth now." I
00:06:09
went all these years without it and it's like ice skating through and it was going and I go, "No, it's kind of
00:06:15
catching." And I go, "I need a little WD40 on these." But I said, "No time for that." I get it
00:06:23
out to the car. Some guy is there. He goes, "Actually, I'll throw these on. Go get your other bag." So, I do that. He throws them on.
00:06:30
That's a big clue of the story. I'm I I'm just going to say it. I'm riveted. Glued to the set. Wheels on a suitcase. First time only.
00:06:42
Welcome to the 21st century. No, I'm These are good ones for the first time. Oh, good ones. Not We had a great
00:06:49
sponsor at Great Wheels. Going every direction. You want to go this way or you want to go that way? Let's do either. Oh, it's unbelievable.
00:06:55
You spin it. Yeah. It's incredible. Cuz usually if they're all like a skateboard, then you take a left and they go clunk and it falls over.
00:07:00
Oh, no. No. Yeah. If they're 360. Yeah. Then you just Yeah. Okay. This is something we stole from the aliens. This is why I believe that
00:07:06
documentary. Okay. So, we do that. I'm like, I get in my boiling hot car, boil, sizzle, drive. Mhm. I get about 12 to 14 in.
00:07:19
Heather calls. She doesn't always call. Heather calls. Heather calls. You're driving from the
00:07:25
airport to What's there to talk about? Scary. Scary. Something's up. Oh, it's like she needs something or Yeah. Okay, got it. Instead of texting or boxering me, I go
00:07:38
for Dicky. And she if I see Heather's name on my phone, I slam it against the wall as hard as I
00:07:44
can. Why? You know it's trouble. I don't know. It just sounded funny to say that.
00:07:49
You slam on your brakes because you know, don't go any farther till you hear this call. All right. So, I pull over. I go,
00:07:57
"What up?" Whoop whoop. Okay. I sometimes go like this. Cello. That's not bad. So, anyway, I go, "What?" And she says, "Um, do you think you have your right
00:08:09
suitcase?" Oh, she's that quick that you took the wrong one from the JSX jet. Talk about Missy. I got the wrong and I
00:08:22
go, "Wow, I bet I do because my wheels weren't gliding on the way out. I had some dog [ __ ] mags on them."
00:08:29
I was like, "Oh, your spider sense. This is this a little rough." But I was, you know, everyone
00:08:36
piece of me. I'm running. How long how many minutes are you away from the jet when you get the Heather call? 12 to 14. Oh, well, she's a little slow for her. So, I got to flip a [ __ ] No, it's not
00:08:47
really. She was no hero. Let's be They called her then. She called you. I still call that
00:08:53
a hero. We don't need another hero apparently that song, but we got one. So, I flip a [ __ ] as they say in the movies. And uh and I and I'm not stoked, but I go back.
00:09:08
Oh, I do jump out and look even though I know for sure. And it was like Bill Squanker. I'm like, "Oh, this guy's
00:09:14
going to be." So I go back there and I go, "Hey, it's all good. I'm famous. Everything's fine.
00:09:19
I'm famous." That's what I do when I walk up to like a scene of a crime or a fire or a car crash. They got the tape.
00:09:25
I go, "It's okay. Every let me I'm famous. It's okay." I always do the same thing, too. If anyone any cop I go I know David Spade.
00:09:32
I know David Spade, you know, let me through. Let me through. I did get pulled over here. I think I
00:09:37
said that on previous coming up here going up the highway and then woo woo woo. And the guy came
00:09:42
around. He looked at me. You know, this doesn't happen to me very often. I was lucky he recognized me. I was shocked.
00:09:48
We took selfies. You go, you know, go a little easy on the pedal. How fast was I
00:09:53
going? 200. No, he said like it was a cheesy. I was like 72 and a 65. You're not going to pull me over that [ __ ] So you go back and then what what what's what's the mic drop on this? What's the
00:10:08
next twist? I think this is known as fizzling out on a story. So okay, I've got a 30 second. I go there and the lady's there and I go, "Hey,
00:10:20
I go, we can flip." I jump out. I think she's just going to flip them and she just stands
00:10:26
chewing her cud. I go, "Okay, it's gonna be muscles." So, I pick their 50tonon bag. I would have known it when I threw it in. It was so heavy. I go, "What do you got here?" Kettle bell selection.
00:10:38
No, wait. What do you got in here? Kettle bell collection. God dang, I almost had it. And then, um, what do you
00:10:45
got in here? Baby's first bricks. What'd you put in your bag? Arnold. I mean, you got him trapped.
00:10:53
Let me out of here. Let me out of here. But I was living that. I'm in the wrong van. I knew it the whole time.
00:11:06
Can I tell you my 30 secondond story or or you need No, that's pretty fizzled out. I milked it dry.
00:11:12
I don't like to fly like you. I've been in you turbulence where everything's bouncing, the cart's flying, hitting the
00:11:17
ceiling, and you're like just totally calm. Me trust Mr. Pilot Man. You're like a 5-year-old. Pilot Man will take
00:11:24
care of us. I'm too I have too much turbulent too much information. So, I get on a
00:11:29
plane in Vegas. And then they come on and they go and I check the luggage, believe it or not. They go, "Uh, we this
00:11:36
plane is not going anywhere, folks. We're going to have to have you depart and we're going to have to get another
00:11:41
plane and and bring it here." So, usually when things go bad, they stay bad. When things go good, they stay
00:11:46
good. So, I go, I got to I'm getting off the plane. I'm not taking I'm I'm getting out of here.
00:11:52
So, she goes, "Well, your bags are checked." and going over there. I'm getting out of here. You know what I
00:11:57
mean? So, she said, "All right." No, she did go, "Okay, you did the church lady or
00:12:02
did you do the Hollywood Minute?" I I did them both. So, she let you off the plane. She let me off the plane and she got went down, found my bag, and got it out to baggage
00:12:15
claim. Within five minutes, I have my bag. I'm not going to deal with the airport anyway. I've already called a travel agent. I have an SUV waiting for me. Within 12 minutes of sitting on the
00:12:28
plane, I guess we're going to start flying pretty soon. I was on the freeway and I could see the plane and they could
00:12:35
probably heard me, but I honked and flipped them off. [ __ ] you. Why was I mad at them?
00:12:43
Because they almost took you down. But you know, I'm I'm spontaneous like that. The pilot said this.
00:12:49
All right, folks. We're gonna appreciate your patience. They always appreciate your patience. Patience, folks. Um,
00:13:00
we are not being let like when I went to Arizona. I get on. I'm not feeling great. I get on, slam the door. I go,
00:13:07
"Just let me get through this flight. I'm all cooped up. I don't like it." Slam. Sweating. I feel like [ __ ] for
00:13:12
some reason. Maybe hung over. And the second they lock us in, he goes, "I appreciate patience, folks. They're
00:13:19
not going to let us take off. It's some sprinkles in Scottsdale. So, uh, we're going to sit here for minimum 45.
00:13:26
And so, you can't don't stand up. We're on an active tarmac. So, Spade doesn't like that. He's freaking out. And then I'm doing some deep breathing.
00:13:38
This is little kettle bells. Have you ever had this serious question? I don't know if it's funny, but right as
00:13:43
it's maybe it's kind of weather, whatever. We're all packed in. We're going and then Ryder's about to close the door. This guy comes up the aisle
00:13:50
and he's got a water bottle and he's drenched in sweat and and he just belts just bolts off the airplane and you go,
00:13:57
"What does he know?" Like final destination. He was clearly got spooked like no I'm
00:14:02
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00:14:33
home deserves it. And this deal ends soon. I didn't you know when my probably two flights ago, this is getting extra boring, but they so yesterday two flights. I don't love.
00:14:46
He said something like he's he goes, "We've got a little thing. I'm just going to have him come look." Oh, yeah. I remember I think I told you said five out of the six lights on, but one's not working
00:14:58
right. Anyway, enough of that [ __ ] Yeah, that's airplane stories. Our airplane stories for you.
00:15:08
We don't even have a sponsor with a long segment. And we have a sponsor for it. What else?
00:15:15
Well, this is this is our I just uh remembered a thing. I did a sketch on SNL once and this you know this is our
00:15:22
show after Thanksgiving and Bonnie and Terry Turner really liked that. I think it did okay. You might
00:15:28
have been in it. It was just about people relatives driving into your house for Thanksgiving and there's a 25 30
00:15:35
minute conversation about which highways they took. Oh, we went on the 280 to the
00:15:41
right to the 154. And the other guy's like, "Oh, Jesus Christ. I was on the 101 and then I came down 19th Avenue.
00:15:48
Who gives a shit?" [ __ ] That one might have turned into the Californians because that was back
00:15:54
in our day, but I don't remember that one. It was maybe Yeah, that was precalifornian.
00:16:00
And so it's similar like they just talk about their boring way they got there. It is It is very true though.
00:16:05
Yeah. Californians. Uh Fred Armanson, which I always said, no, you guys took it further. He said he got it from me when I used to do that kind of dude in my act like what's up, dad? That kind of
00:16:16
thing. We were we were taking a cork canyon, man. It's funny. Yeah, they make it even more corkcrewed f. They make the weirdest accent that's really nothing
00:16:27
and they try to outdo each other so it's just not even English. You should probably go Venice Boulevard.
00:16:36
girls. Yeah, it's so dumb. That was from Fast Times at Ridgemont was one of the first
00:16:42
Shawn Penn doing the Malibu guy was Shawn Penn. Yeah, man. That guy has a lot of range. He was so good in that freaking movie. Well, Sean, dude,
00:16:53
he said so many funny things in that movie. Yeah. Uh, what else? Tell me more. Did you see
00:17:00
Wicked? Are you still in line? What are you doing? I would it it outperformed. I was kind
00:17:06
of happy for them. What I did on a day uh where I just had a case of the fuckets, you know, just want to turn
00:17:12
everything off. I'll go to like a matinea that is empty. So, the one that was playing at the time that I wanted to go that was fortunately empty was
00:17:25
Running Man. Oh, yeah. You see Running Man? I saw Running Man. Did we talk about this already? I I know, but I saw it and now I've seen it and I had low expectations. I enjoyed
00:17:38
it. I thought it was really fun. You I wasn't comparing it to anything else. I I think it's a good popcorn movie. Glenn
00:17:45
Pal handles the comedy and he's he can play the action. So, I thought it was good. You know, a big part of movies is
00:17:52
not going in like this can be [ __ ] epic. You just watch it and then you know, you just see it. call it funny man. I would just say this. At this point in
00:18:03
my time on the planet, I like clicking the phone off and putting it down and watching a movie and no one's supposed to talk and it was the theater was empty and it's just quiet for two hours. At this point, they
00:18:16
could show me anything. I'd be kind of like I'm meditating or something. Theaters are good for that because it's
00:18:21
really the only time you try to not look at your phone and just you can't really do anything else. When I watch movies at home, I told you I tried I started watch
00:18:30
because it's a funny name. Yeah, I saw the first episode of Plurabus. You did, but don't tell me anything because I got through about half of it, but I'll finish it. Well, here's my question for you. Why do
00:18:43
people see a movie that they clearly would never like when the ticket prices even for mattes are like 20 bucks? We
00:18:50
went and saw the Springsteen movie, my wife and I, and there's these two teenage girls right to the left down
00:18:57
there. They were utterly uninterested. All they did was check their phones. It was bright light and they're just
00:19:03
rolling. They look up once in a while. He born to run. They did that. Even if you're a fan, that one's a
00:19:10
shrug. How was it? Is it a bit of a snoozer? I don't know. I'm I'm always giving them
00:19:16
the benefit of the doubt. I think um it's it was a little it wasn't up. It was a little kind of it was around a dark time of spring scenes. He he he wrote Nebraska did it on acoustic guitar
00:19:30
in his room. I found it interesting and I thought uh Jeremy Allen White was really great.
00:19:37
So I just how hard movies, you know, are to make. I I'll just tell this to anyone listening right now. If you want to
00:19:43
watch a great movie, it's called Heaven Can Wait. It's with Warren Batty, Diane Cannon, Charles Groden. We watched it again the other night. We'll see it every night. Isn't it good? Yeah. Oh my god,
00:19:55
it's so good and it's so charming. And Charles Gro darling put there the bumbling murderers and she's screaming and James Mason is sort of like a god character. It's just so good. You know,
00:20:08
I would tie in Midnight Run to that because you said Charles Groden. You killing it. Midnight Run. Yeah,
00:20:15
that's that's another one. You know, was one of the best buddy two-hander movies comedy. I mean, I
00:20:21
don't know if it's talked about enough. That one really knocked me out. Um, sometimes you see the jokes and you go,
00:20:26
"Oh, the jokes are kind of corny." You go, "No, this is where they started." There's some movies where
00:20:31
typical jokes started and you've never heard them before and then everyone does like a spin on it. But that one had a
00:20:36
lot. I did Charles Groten for a while and I actually did him on SNL when I guest hosted, but he has such a dry dead pan.
00:20:44
And he did have a funny, you know, darling, darling, you know. Yeah. Oh, he Oh, what about Foul Play? Foul Play. Another one. Chevy and Goldenvy.
00:20:55
He was so good in that and so the unsung hero of that one because those two are so funny. Obviously,
00:21:01
here's an interesting thing about Charles Groden. So, he gets into the 90s and he kind of announces that just
00:21:07
generally speaking, I don't like making movies, you know, sitting around being told what to do.
00:21:13
Nah, I don't like it. He's brilliant in movies. Yeah. And and then he goes and then he does a
00:21:18
show, I think, on MSNBC, like a little talk show. Oh. And I go I go on it and he goes, "Do
00:21:24
Johnny the whole time." So it was a 20-minute interview and I just stayed in Johnny Carson the whole time.
00:21:30
Well, he is he was a bit of an odd duck because when he would maybe Letterman and he would be like he was
00:21:37
kind of mad at Letterman. I never knew if these things were a bit and it made me laugh and I'm like something's wrong.
00:21:42
But even in the movies when I was younger, I didn't know when people were so dead pan they were doing it on
00:21:48
purpose. I'm like what's going on here? Yeah, I know. And Buck Henry Henry. Yeah.
00:21:53
Oh, you know it's a great movie. While we're doing him, I'll give one vote for Man on Fire
00:22:00
drama kind of thriller. What year was that? Denzel, Dakota Fanning. Oh yeah. Yeah. Chris Walkin. It's kind of a heavy movie, like a Tony Scott movie or something. It's so cool.
00:22:11
Denzel Washington is just he's the coolest. Pretty safe bet. He's the coolest because he's not really
00:22:17
out there and he's just he's tick tock every day. Jackass, the equalizer and he plays it so brilliantly. He's in a cave and he's got two guys with machine guns like this.
00:22:29
He's got another guy with a gun on the gritty and he goes, "All right, this is what's going to happen in 10
00:22:35
seconds." and he starts to watch and then Oh, yeah. I love it. It's so hysterical. I know. I love it. He walks in, puts his little thing. The best is when there's bad guys in the
00:22:46
room and like he comes in, they all see him and they're like Russians drinking and they know there's trouble. Yeah. And he goes, "I think you're in the wrong room, friend." Friend does mean,
00:22:57
by the way, they don't mean their friends, right? And then he goes, "I I I think it's time for you to go, friend. You don't want
00:23:03
trouble." He goes, "Okay." And then he goes back and he puts the stopwatch and then he takes the lock and goes click
00:23:10
and turns around. They all go, "What the fuck?" He locks himself in. That's a good
00:23:15
That's a staple. Started in Coward of the County song. Well, not only is he going to kick their
00:23:21
ass, he's going to time it for his own. They have guns and there's like 10 of them, 300 lb ready to We must break you. All right. Okay. Is that what you're
00:23:33
going to do? Is that that that's your plan? Over. Well, let me just check my watch here. Okay. I'm going to lock me sophane.
00:23:40
Yeah. And then they all wait to fight one at a time. You go beat up. Now I go. Okay. Beat up.
00:23:47
I Man, why don't you do or I'll do it an action film because it's all just all I
00:23:52
have to do is go like that and then sound effects. Yeah. You know, I've seen them with sound off and they
00:23:57
look so stupid. They're missing. You can't you can see it's like not even really a good fight.
00:24:03
But when it's like, yeah, because you do not have to get close at all. If I was going to slug you
00:24:08
in the face, you know, I could be a foot away. You just have to time it. I don't know if you'd be
00:24:14
capable of that, though. Or maybe How was How was your Thanksgiving, Dana? I don't know if you know what time it is, but it's time. I think is
00:24:31
buzzing around on Flyable. This is sponsored by Five Hour Energy's new gingerbread snap flavor. T the season for tasty caffeine with
00:24:44
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00:24:58
five hour energy five hour number five hour energy.com to order yours today. So yes, I'm going to give Dana, we've done this before, right? But I'm going to give you different
00:25:12
people postth Thanksgiving post Thanksgiving scenario is you I have to do Tony Montana.
00:25:19
I'm going to do Tony Montana and then I'm going to surprise you. Okay. So I'm surpris
00:25:25
I just have I just have names. I This is not scripted. I know. No, it never is. That's why it's
00:25:31
Can people tell it's not scripted? No, it's funny. I like it. Okay. All right. So, this is uh Alpuccino Scarface, Tony Montana at
00:25:40
Thanksgiving dinner. Here we go. Action. Look at his [ __ ] face. Here's you, Dana.
00:25:52
Pass. Sweet potatoes. I look around a table, man. I don't see any sweet potatoes. What are you doing? Well, Adam Smler,
00:26:04
what are you doing here? I heard you a J Kelly. You're a J Kelly hot. You sound like a baby. What a problem, man. Jake Kelly, you got to get
00:26:20
Oscar. No matter. Who? Put your mic up on my mic. Kelly, what you doing? Jay Kelly is the movies in on Netflix. Continue. J Kelly, what are you doing, man? No sweet potatoes. What about you? You take
00:26:32
on Rob Schneider. You take the sweet potatoes, Rob. Okay. What's What was he gonna say?
00:26:37
No. Oh yeah. I like a Deuce Bigalow, man. I like it, man. I see the movie. I see on Netflix all the time or Amazon Prime. I
00:26:48
see a Duce Bigalow. You're crazy guy. You run around like a crazy man. Funny. Thank you. Thank you very much. All right. What is this? Joe Biden, what are
00:27:00
you doing here at Thanksgiving time? Where's the sweet potatoes? I'm not getting around. Where's the sweet potatoes? He doesn't even know he's at Thanksgiving probably.
00:27:11
David Spade. Oh no. Dispar man. I saw it on Amazon Prime. D L. It's a good man. a lot of jokes at Daily
00:27:23
Line. I get the gist, man. You make a lot of jokes. You like a make of jokes. Christopher Walk, what about you? What did I say? Oh, what do you say? Let me interview you. David SP now I got you here. No
00:27:36
sweet potatoes, man. You're like a little Danny L. Daddy, you eat a Danny L. Why you call special Danny L?
00:27:44
Hey, it's Rob again. Listen, I saw you had cocaine there. That's a pretty big line, but guess what? You can do it.
00:27:54
Well, I love when you say this is Rob again. All right. This is Tony Montana again. Okay. All right. Okay.
00:28:01
Christopher, welcome. Man, you were in two episodes ago. What you doing in this episode? Five hour energy. You shouldn't
00:28:09
be in this episode. You got to go, man. No. I told you you gotta go. No. Down. Go. You see? He's so overstaying his welcome over. Oh, and Wilson.
00:28:23
Oh god, there's a big table. It's a big It's a big Thanksgiving. Put the le extra leafs in. Okay. Sorry, man. We don't have any
00:28:36
sweet potatoes. I don't give a [ __ ] What's the f What the [ __ ] is the matter with you? They can't use it with the
00:28:43
swear word, so I said [ __ ] you. What the [ __ ] Rob Schneider, Adam Sandler. What the [ __ ] is that? David
00:28:50
Spade, I get the gist. What's that? You in the bleachers at the 50th, you're phoning it in. I get the gist. Take a break. You steal the [ __ ] show. What is that about?
00:29:02
What the [ __ ] [ __ ] Don't give me that. Give me five hour energy. I'm losing I'm losing my
00:29:09
good. Listen, that was buzzing around. That was Yeah, it was. Next week, did they ever get the sweet potatoes? We'll find out. That was sponsored by 5Hour Energy's new
00:29:20
gingerbread snap flavor. Fuel your holiday hustle with as much caffeine as a 12 oouncez premium cup of coffee and
00:29:27
zero sugar. Available in stores, Amazon, or online at www.5ourgy.com. 5oury.com. And that was written word for word. Not really good.
00:29:38
I like these. You can edit. I like No, they're too good. I like that I was able to go I was able to go Yes. I
00:29:47
was able to go Oh, I was telling you quickly question for you did me in there. You put me as a surprise and I liked it. Mhm. Uh, I was in Phoenix and
00:29:58
I shouldn't even say this, but lateboard I stumbled across an old window and I pushed the wrong button and it came up porn
00:30:11
and it said what? It said you can't watch porn in Arizona. What does that mean? Can you believe Can you believe it? And we don't know if this is a lie or if one
00:30:26
you can't watch porn in Arizona. I couldn't. Why would they? I gave up quickly because you know what
00:30:32
they say? You can, but just type in your uh just take a photo of yourself and a photo of your driver's license. I don't think so. Nice try. Where I'm sorry I
00:30:45
didn't get the be. Where were you watching porn on what device? Uh require an age verification. Now, you can watch in Arizona, but some
00:30:56
age verification have to prove you're over 18. You have to you have to prove you're
00:31:02
over 18 and under whatever I am. I think that's kind of a good idea. I don't like kids looking at
00:31:07
No, I don't mind it. I just it kind of, you know, I go, what am I going to do for the next two and a half hours? You
00:31:13
know, play goddamn panda pop. So, anyway, Jesus, what what are you 18? He's like,
00:31:21
Heather and I have a mutual friend. He's in Texas that he keeps saying, "I can't get any porn out here." I don't know.
00:31:27
You got to put your I'm not putting my [ __ ] license track me on some What is this 2001 Space
00:31:34
Odyssey? I'm like, "Well, it's not really what you're looking for as an analogy, but I get what you're saying."
00:31:40
So, he won't do it. And he's like, I go, "You're gonna crack one day." And he type it in that goddamn number. Katie
00:31:46
Cobbs, the governor, made it in effect September 26th. September 26th, we got rat [ __ ] Who's
00:31:53
gonna go to Arizona now? Have you ever watched porn and then stopped watching it and just you're in
00:31:59
the hotel room by yourself and went, "Fuck, that was great." And I stand up like this.
00:32:06
Yes. Yes. I will say once in a while I watch it and then I, you know, as Kevin Nean
00:32:14
says, I'm interested. I'm interested then I'm not interested. Whatever happens then I'm suddenly good. You walk back and your and your laptop's open later and you go
00:32:26
what? Yeah. Anyway, you step out of that one. Anyway, it won't affect you on the road.
00:32:32
Don't worry. It barely barely affected me. It was just more funny. I think it's hilarious and it gives us an insight into you, not the comedian,
00:32:43
but you as a person. So, it's great for the podcast. You're you're opening opening up. Yeah, I'm really opening up, you know, pulling the curtain back. I'm an open book. No, I'm not. Uh, okay.
00:32:55
Let's get to a few stories and then we'll Okay, we'll finish our leftovers. Oh, these are fun. I haven't seen them in case I haven't come up with a good ad lilip. This is a Rogan clip. What they
00:33:08
don't want you to know about history. Let's see what this There's something really fascinating. Sure. There's old pictures of Christmas
00:33:14
images that always include ammonita mscaria mushrooms. So you would find them underneath pine trees. The same way
00:33:22
you find brightly colored presents under Christmas trees. In order to dry them, they would hang them in the trees just
00:33:29
like a tree. The little Santa Claus things where he's coming down the chimney. Why was that? Siberian shamans
00:33:34
were ostracized. They had to sneak into people's homes. So they came down chimneys. Santa's a shaman. Also, Santa
00:33:40
does the exact same coloration as the Aanita Mascaria mushroom. Look at that Siberian shaman. Looks exactly like
00:33:47
Amanita Mascar. Looks like an ornament. I I don't know. I think Joe's reaching a little bit. They keep saying anamanarian
00:33:53
mushrooms, which I've never heard of, but I'm not a big Schumer guy. I used to do it in college, maybe, but I don't do it.
00:33:59
You shumer? I did it. We, my friends and I, you know, younger people, we did some
00:34:06
mushrooms. We were in front of the um the Queen Mary down there in Long Beach. So it's 1,000 ft long and the smoke stacks are you could you know and so the
00:34:18
mushrooms start to get under the mushrooms and we're looking at the pamphlet out on the patio and so to describe how big the boat was
00:34:26
they would just do ratio scenarios like 400 analopee could make their home in that one stack. You know, it's like 12 million bumblebees could fit in the hole
00:34:37
of this craft. 20 million jelly beans. And so we laughed our ass off for a half hour. We were so high on mushrooms. We
00:34:44
came around the corner and there was the spruce goose next to it. And we saw this big white wooden plane and it was so
00:34:49
[ __ ] huge we dropped our knees laughing. So So all we did was laugh, but I haven't done it since. I did laugh a lot on shrooms. Uh I have
00:34:56
a quick joke about a cruise ship. This was from Grown-Ups One. I think I threw this in. It got cut out. I said, we were all making fun of each other and I said, Kevin James,
00:35:07
when he he he's mentioned something about a cruise ship, I said, "Here's the captain when you're running laps on the
00:35:12
cruise ship because Kevin James is so heavy it alters the boat." This is him coming around to that side and then he goes in front of the boat. Steady as she goes. He doesn't captain
00:35:31
doesn't seem so he doesn't know what's going on. Kevin James is such a big guy that he's okay that that's it's a good
00:35:38
visual. That's pretty small. You The guy doesn't really know what's going Pop quiz. Did the captain of the Titanic
00:35:45
actually go down with the ship or get in the lifeboat? You know, my friend was there. Um I was invited. Uh no, I don't know what
00:35:55
happened to him. He got in the lifeboat, got back to Manhattan. He was in a uh a swimming pool at a Motel 6 and drowned.
00:36:04
This rack. They didn't have Motel Sixes in 1907. I don't whatever it was. No, he was at a uh Holiday in Green Ribbon. I like they try to gussy up a Holiday
00:36:15
in. Oh, this is a blue ribbon. I Hey man, I worked at Holiday in for like five years. Dishwasher, bus boy, waiter,
00:36:25
and then Bruner. You know this Richard Lewis joke? No. I get I get to a hotel. I told him I wanted a suite. I was promised a suite. I don't have a suite. I have a regular room. I need to change
00:36:39
rooms. The guy said, "Uh, you're in a suite." He goes, "Oh my god, I didn't see the coffee machine on the back of the toilet. You're right. I apologize."
00:36:53
Sweet. I was the whole time. I didn't see it. Uh, that's maybe not the best joke in the world. It is funny though. I think it was good. I liked it.
00:37:05
Okay, let's do next story. Next story. Bring it on. I have stories, but they're too heavy.
00:37:11
Oh, this is interesting. It's about the Have you heard about the buga? I've heard that name for some reason.
00:37:17
This is a little sphere. When they say they're spheres, okay, he he didn't give it up to the police. He kept it. And now it's getting heavier. It's got all these like
00:37:28
hieroglyphics on it and people are coming to read the symbols as a warning about the future. I don't know if that's they are not a prediction. Well then what's the are the activation
00:37:42
sequence for a technology that has been waiting for 12,000 years. Yep. Roughly 12,000. The message isn't what it says, it's what it does.
00:37:58
Show it. That's all it was. Well, what did they say? Press the buttons or not? I mean,
00:38:03
show it because they have it floating. You know, when people see these circles floating, sometimes they show them in the ocean.
00:38:08
Now, I feel like AI was invented just to throw this off because you can't tell. But if you see these little spheres floating
00:38:15
and they found this one, it crashed. Mhm. Guy called the police and he goes, they said, "Give it to us." He said, "No."
00:38:21
And he took off and it weighed about a pound and now because of gravity after a few months it weighs more. But all these
00:38:27
scientists and UFO people are looking at it going, "It's nuts what it is. They can't tell. They can't tell what kind of
00:38:33
material it is. They have no idea." So something's Is it on 60 minutes or why is it
00:38:41
hiding it? No, some of these things are out there. Depends on your algo. If your algorithm brings I want alien let me just go on record you know I I want aliens to come down. I
00:38:54
want in my time on this planet to have like we are aliens. I want them to land on the White House lawn. I want them
00:39:01
coming out like daily stood still. No doubt Keanu Reeves and Jennifer. No no no the one from 1959 was unbelievable scary. Yeah,
00:39:13
that was the the great thing where they had a guy they had like an Einstein scientist with the chalkboard doing the
00:39:19
stuff. The alien looks human, but he's kind of weird and he comes in and goes, "Well, professor, I think you're
00:39:25
mistaken." And it's like this gigantic equation like 20 feet across. He goes, sees it in one second.
00:39:31
Yeah. Oh, there this x should belong here. And then and then the Einstein guy's like, "Oh, oh my god." I mean, I
00:39:37
can't I I am, you know, I love that in a movie. Don't you like that reading of yours? The chalk for a good good gracious. Good God. Why didn't I How did you
00:39:53
I've got to call my wife. Wait, what? You just thought telephone. Have you? You thought what?
00:40:05
Come on. And he goes, "Oh my god, can you help me fix my dryer?" Um, is that the one where the huge alien is standing or is that the camera? No, huge alien is comes off the
00:40:17
spaceship. I mean, it's a little corny. I mean, he's metal and he's scary when I was a kid, but I think the rubber bends
00:40:23
at his knees and stuff, but then, oh, I can't remember the name of the great actor who played the alien with a
00:40:30
humanoid form who, you know, it's great. Um, let's talk about Age of Disclosure by next week because I'm going to watch it. It's all about the aliens on um Okay. All right. I got an open mind.
00:40:42
Yeah. Open mind and then we'll get somebody maybe from there to Yeah. If we're on this planet and no one
00:40:48
knows how we got here or what we're supposed to do here, all things are possible. I just wanted to put that out
00:40:53
there. I do think it's all possible. And I keep seeing videos on ring cameras of aliens and they all look like AI. But some I'm
00:40:59
guarantee you like one out of 20 is real, but no one everyone's like whatever. First comment's always like
00:41:05
[ __ ] AI. Who are these friends? Was that a friend? Those are comments. Those are comments.
00:41:13
In the Californians, I don't think it's not like alien. Hey man, if it's an alien, people would
00:41:20
see like big green ears or something. Yeah, aliens are cute. I don't want them to
00:41:26
kill us. My favorite characters, right? All right, I'm just adjusting my camera.
00:41:31
Okay, one more. Why you like Arizona's an hour later, dude? I left Arizona once and arrived in LA before I left because of the time change thing. Oh, yeah. There's an hour long time.
00:41:43
What is a micro penis all about the condition that may have plagued Hitler and Jeffrey Epstein.
00:41:48
They're really going these guys are really piling on. This is a great story. I I I just love
00:41:54
this investig. Okay. Is this the whole story? They they say they say uh Epstein had one, right?
00:42:07
Well, who are they? Dana, when did you take this picture? I thought he's like Batman like this. That guy has the hands of Shaquille
00:42:18
O'Neal. Yeah, still could be big. I think you're supposed to measure it from your waist. All right. But these people that do micro, I mean,
00:42:29
they're really going like I think when they try to find a victim, unfortunately, they say
00:42:37
any markings on the wiener like that happened to Michael Jackson. They said, you know, and also the idea is that, you know, Hitler was so angry
00:42:48
because of that. out the micro ponies. Adolf, you okay? I killed everybody on because of the micro pins. Oh yeah. Made him so mad. Can you believe how much energy I had 45
00:43:08
minutes in? He gave those speeches. He really gave it. I know. I know. That's why I used to do exhausted Hitler. Oh, I can't I could
00:43:15
barely. I'm so tired. I was screaming for an hour. I play balls on one on one uh read through and I go
00:43:28
right away. Mine Fier and I got a laugh. That's f It's almost like a mountain Brooks movie or something.
00:43:39
I'll be back in one second. Mind I'm so tired. I gave a 4hour speech at the Reichstead. I can't even Did you hear it? I can't feel my deltoid. Whoever thought of this thing
00:43:52
should be shot. I can't even feel my traps. That's a lever arm. Hard to hold up. I did this for five [ __ ] hours.
00:44:04
All right, let's end on that. Um, that is a mic drop. Please, I hope you enjoyed your Thanksgiving vacation. Now,
00:44:11
it's time to So good. Back to work. Eat Thanksgiving. listen to this and sleep while you listen to us because we
00:44:18
Yes, we're a good sort of we're a good we're a good casual. We don't we don't want to stir the pot.
00:44:24
All right, everybody. I'm watching. We've got millions of streams coming in. So, good job everybody. Thank you and
00:44:29
we'll see you next time. Goodbye. Hey guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us a
00:44:43
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00:44:48
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00:44:54
an executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman, Mattie Sprung Kaiser, and
00:45:02
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00:45:09
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00:45:18
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00:45:31
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