00:00:00
Someone asked me this question the other day and I think we should get to it. What is No, I have a big announcement to
00:00:07
make later in the show. It's about the movies for the holidays. So, just be ready and stick around cuz
00:00:13
Okay. There's going to be some unpopular choices. Yeah. I'm going to do a juxosition for the audience about two movies that have something in common.
00:00:25
Which one did it best? Wow. What if it's the same thing? I was thinking I doubt it.
00:00:30
Yours is a little more thinky and mine is a little more stupid. Yeah. Yeah, that's probably about right. Look at I've got this Tom Cruz eye now. My
00:00:41
eye is like half shot on that side. You know how Tom Cruz has one. It's always like squinty.
00:00:46
Is that an allergy or what's going on? No, it looks I think it's normal, but I just looked I like I don't know if it
00:00:51
looks a little squintier. I don't think the audience would find this disturbing. Sometimes we we do get
00:00:57
online like this. We're not recording a podcast and we just analyze how each other God, believe me, they light us up for
00:01:04
this. But the beginning, every podcast, the first 8 to 24 minutes should be about how we think we look. It's so [ __ ] riveting. Has nothing to
00:01:16
do with reality. No, it's so d I don't know. But I I did have something else of Oh, I have this
00:01:22
dent in my nose. My doctor goes, "Do you want to fix that broken nose?" I go, "When did I break my nose?" He goes, "I
00:01:29
don't know, but it's broken right there." Stand it in. We can kind of I go, "No way." I think character,
00:01:36
anybody who does a movie with the with the great Chris Farley. Yeah. I'm going to get stunts and things, he's going to break. Look at Dave.
00:01:47
So, you must have had your nose cracked at least three times. One time he got mad at me cuz we did motivational
00:01:53
speaker and it was one of the like, you know, we probably did about six or seven. God, one he had to pick me up and then he
00:01:58
falls through a table and he does it unlike rehearsal. He has to pick me up and go, "Oh." And we fall
00:02:04
and I fall on him and I roll off and I go, "A shit." Cuz it kind of rocked me a little bit, whatever happened.
00:02:09
And then they went to commercial. He goes, "You acted hurt and it ruined it." And I go, I first of all, I was hurt.
00:02:16
I've got this blubbering ox whale landing on top of me. And he goes, "You landed on me." I go, "I know, but I'm a
00:02:22
feather." "You're a demi lion." Like he's really stuck in a football player and it just doesn't work. I know. I'm I'm so such a puss.
00:02:33
My partner was Mike Myers and we were around the same size, you know, like 137 pounds or something. Yeah, we were we were the number 10. It was me next to him as a circle. That's
00:02:44
what they used to say. And then Lauren said, "You're um David, the stress of the movie is making you lose weight and
00:02:51
Chris is gaining it." So it's still the same pound-for-pound on screen. Your weight is moving over as long as it adds up to a certain weight. Yeah, that's what he's saying. You're losing exponentially at the same
00:03:04
rate. So we have the same mass of of a total comedy in the frame. I I will tell you before we get before we get into my movies and my real strong opinion, your pick, your hot pick.
00:03:16
I will say that Christmas is taking a little bit of a beating lately. Um it is December
00:03:22
and I saw the other day there was a tree lighting ceremony for the Christmas tree
00:03:27
in some dopey mall. I don't sure, but it said tree lighting ceremony and they were careful not to say the word Christmas during the whole ceremony. No. Why?
00:03:39
Why can't So it's just a tree and you go I would understand if you said they're doing the tree lighting at the Grove or
00:03:46
whatever you go okay but to consciously avoid that then what is the tree for a December to remember is it a Lexus dealership why do we have
00:03:57
for the whole month isn't it for Christmas well I know a lot of different kinds of
00:04:03
people sure we know John loveitz and others I've never met someone from another religious
00:04:09
faith that was upset about a Christmas tree. I'd say stop that [ __ ] Yeah. Cuz everyone loves Santa and the tree and all the
00:04:20
trapping all things about it. Yeah. And then if you're of faith, it's about Christianity. But I think at this point in America, it's just Christmas. It's it's a fun holiday.
00:04:35
And you I I don't like the thought police. I don't like to have words I can't use. Right. I don't like the anti-Christian
00:04:42
feel cuz Christmas to me wasn't really about that because I am Christian, but I'm secular.
00:04:48
Yeah. I'm just You're more uh spiritual, but just as like is this where we get to hammer it? You can't say that about anyone else. You can't just sort of we're taking a beating down in Africa. It's like this
00:05:00
is not the year to be Christian. I will tell you that. That's for sure. Uh yeah,
00:05:06
there's a lot of that going on. A lot of that tough. So, let's go back to the tree. We can call it a Christmas
00:05:12
tree. I'm still going to go to these malls. I still don't want to offend people by saying it,
00:05:19
but there's so many things with different religions. Are you you're not allowed to slam someone else's religion?
00:05:24
Well, I don't know. I would say I think um the Christian faith has the best songs. There are some toetappers in there.
00:05:36
I mean, you know, I saw Fiddling Roof Days, you know, I know all that good, but you know, Silent Night, Jingle
00:05:43
Bells, you know, I mean, come on. It's not a close call. It's not a competition, but there's
00:05:48
there's some Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way. Oh, can you finish it?
00:05:55
Oh, I know. I I know. I know that one. It would be fun on an open horse. Fun it is to ride in an open horsey sleigh. to YouTube shutting us down because it's
00:06:05
a song. Yeah, our screens just went to black. But here's my real strong opinions.
00:06:11
Ready? I want to hear them. Hot takes. Get on the keyboard. Get ready. Avatar is coming out. Mhm. I don't want to say I don't care at all, but it's close to that. I will say
00:06:25
James Cameron's a great director. I don't know if I would give up my life for 22 years to make three movies about
00:06:33
the Smurfs. I liked it the first time I saw it when it was called the Smurfs. Uh, I mean, it's fine. I read for the Smurfs and then I intentionally tried to get out of the
00:06:47
part. So, did you really? And I did. Did you read for Gizzle? I can't remember. They Well, they were
00:06:52
just like, "Well, do it as I'm a Smurf." Yeah. Do this voice. Do that voice. And I was just so confused
00:06:57
and I go smurfs. And so then I went on Conan the next night and I go or I don't know what it was talk show and I just
00:07:04
said I'm auditioning. It's ridiculous. And then the director called me up. Really nice guy. He goes you don't want
00:07:09
to do this do you? [ __ ] you. Yeah. Yeah. Now there's like nine of them. I I would be having this shirt.
00:07:15
You could have Yeah. nicer shirts. Go. Yeah. It's realer plants. Yeah. I could have real plants, real glasses, real shoes, cedar wood doors. But um yeah, Smurfs
00:07:28
are cool. Well, Avatar is about I don't know what I mean. I know it's got a message, but
00:07:34
it's really so complex to make that it's always three years too late. They're like or I
00:07:40
need and everyone working like another year on this [ __ ] you know, coloring in or what I make the sky.
00:07:46
He's got something, man. We got to talk about I mean James Cameron, he does Titanic.
00:07:52
No one wanted to make it. We know how the movie ends. Yeah. Does 2.2 billion. Now it's crept up
00:07:58
more. Then he does Avatar. Waits 20 years. That does two something like that. Waits 20 years. I go this is going to bomb another two billion. Sinking Fox back in the days. Titanic
00:08:11
was going to sink Fox. Perfect to say Sync Fox with Titanic. And then on Avatar and then that worked.
00:08:18
So I'm not saying they don't work. I'm just saying at a certain What's that? What's a sync Fox?
00:08:24
Sink Fox means the Titanic was about the water and it was going to sink the Fox network or the Fox Studio because they spent so much money making it because he kept saying it's not going to be ready for Christmas.
00:08:35
They're like that's in the old days when you need to make the chunk of your money is like all the holidays combined. Boom.
00:08:42
Start at Thanksgiving and at New Year's. But they waited and waited and everyone's getting fired and then
00:08:47
finally he brings it out and it [ __ ] crushes. The thing about Titanic is it made 25 million I think the first weekend which they didn't love.
00:08:53
Second weekend 25, third weekend 25. And they're like, "Oh, it's not going down. Everyone keeps going." And I'm like,
00:09:01
"Wow." And then I went to saw it. I did. I went to saw it. You went to saw it? Well, you went to
00:09:07
the Scottsdale Community Double Down. I went to saw it and I saw it at the Chinese Asian theater and I went You can't say Chinese anymore. I said the Asian.
00:09:18
Okay. Hey, but don't even start with the Chinese. That just sounds I went to the oriental theater. What is it called? Back then.
00:09:25
So I sit in the audience. I think I went alone because no dudes wanted to go like I'm not going to tight.
00:09:31
So I sit watch an hour and a half split couple days later come back watch the other hour and a half. But I liked it. Wait a minute. You left the theater and paid again and waited and came in
00:09:44
because you couldn't go. Yeah. because your eyes got tight or your the air conditioning.
00:09:50
Okay, here's here's fun facts. This isn't funny, but maybe you can make it funny. First of all, when it went over
00:09:55
the first Titanic, James Cameron made one of the greatest moves in history next to George Lucas negotiating for can
00:10:02
I keep the toy sales? And they said, "Sure." In the first Star Wars Titanic. No, I'm going back to people
00:10:09
who made great deals. Oh, yeah. George Lucas said, "Okay, you can keep that and that. I just want if we make
00:10:15
merchandise I want to keep the merchandise. They go this turkey will never Yeah. 20 billion later. James
00:10:21
Cameron they said we got to shut the movie down. We don't got money. We can't do the boat. We you can do the Titanic but we we can't pay for the boat.
00:10:28
He said you don't have to pay me. So he forfeited his salary at that point. you know he done Terminator was you know many many millions and that got the movie made and then what he made was
00:10:38
like they can't even AI can't with Avatar he said I will I want to own the color blue and they said fine so here's I'll give you a pop quiz I
00:10:52
know you went to Scottsdale Community College quit saying that I guess I went to college of San so did Bill hat her uh yeah so anyway way. Uh, here's a
00:11:03
question. How do you connect Titanic and Avatar? How do you connect them? Because I will tell you other than James Cameron. Mhm. Water.
00:11:18
Am I close? There's something more on a human level. Oh, love story. Um, it's kind of one of the greatest selling things in history.
00:11:32
No. What is the Is it like the theme of the movie? Yeah, but it's an internal theme. It's a
00:11:38
psychological theme that people enjoy. And I won't understand it. Go ahead. I'm probably not even giving you a chance to guess it. Basically, let's start with the Titanic. The rich people
00:11:50
are miserable and ends up they end up being evil. The people down next in the boiler room,
00:11:58
Irish people are the happiest people on the planet. They're drinking whiskey and dancing.
00:12:03
Then you go up to the billion-dollar top deck. It's like, "What are you looking at?" They're That's the great bubon.
00:12:11
They're, you know, it's like snobs versus slobs, which is kind of the Bill Murray and whatever.
00:12:16
And then in in Avatar, you have the native people who are good and kind and beautiful versus the evil, greedy corporations. So these are what I call
00:12:30
string pullers. These are the common Yeah. Yeah. Sure. So there you go. Yeah. They have that in a lot of movies.
00:12:36
I agree. Right. What What's that about? This is like comment. Oh, okay. They they have that in a lot. I think it was in Superman. They had a lot of that, you
00:12:48
know. Yeah. It's People love it. These people are just good folks. And then here comes the big bad. Sure.
00:12:57
Make your home smell as good as it looks with Pur, the smart fragrance diffuser that lets you control your scent from
00:13:02
anywhere. Choose from hundreds of premium fragrances, schedule your favorites, and set the perfect mood for
00:13:08
every moment. And right now, get yours free when you subscribe to Two Cents for 12 months. Don't wait. This limited time
00:13:20
offer won't last. Try it risk-free for 30 days now at pura.com. I got another take. I didn't see Wicked, but I have a lot to say about it. I didn't see [ __ ] Listen, first of all,
00:13:36
my joke about Avatar was three hours and 18 minutes. I couldn't get through the poster, so I'm not going to go. Three
00:13:42
hours and 18, guy. Good luck. Is it really? Here's the thing I say about Avatar.
00:13:49
It became a technical achievement. You know, it was the first 3D that went massive. I think James Cameron is part scientist, part director. And so, I think I would only see the
00:14:03
Avatar movie at IMAX at the Grove on a when it when it's almost played out. So, I'd be empty in a thousand seat theater. The screen is like a 800 ft tall. I want to see it.
00:14:14
And that is immersive. Yes. I want to go to an underwater theater and see it in some special way where I'm just like it's your whole world because he does do a great job
00:14:26
with what it is. My interest has waned over the 22 centuries that they've been making the next five. Okay, that's Well, I'm a I'm a grumpy old man. Lately, my wife and I have been going
00:14:37
back to the greats. You know, we watched The Verdict the other night with Paul Newman and James Mason.
00:14:43
What a killer that never It's a killer movie. You know, we we've watched recently, we always watch Midnight in Paris because it's a work of
00:14:50
art with our friend Owen Wilson. And then we watched All the President's Men is surprisingly brilliant. The soundtrack and everything about it.
00:15:02
I will say the key to those, aside from that cool look of the old movies that it wasn't a look then, when you look back,
00:15:08
it's kind of a look because it reminds you of the old days. Mhm. Freaking big movie stars meant
00:15:15
something. It's so cool. Redford, Paul Newan, superstars like I will watch anything. Um Well, remember we would watch them in movies. You really would go to the
00:15:26
movies and movies ever. Yeah. Movies on Tik Tok. [ __ ] Yeah. You already see the thing. Yeah.
00:15:33
So it um everything you get now this is a wisdom alert. Yeah. Everything you get in life, you give up something. And everything you give up, you get
00:15:46
something. Discuss amongst yourself. Yeah. Let's look at a clip. Whatever he means. No, I get it. That's
00:15:53
kind of That's like It's not do unto others. No, no, you don't understand. If you No, I do get it. Give and get. Got it. You should give something to get
00:16:05
something and open things up to come to you. If you have a health issue and then you get better, you get this wisdom of
00:16:11
appreciation in the moment. If you get a lot of money, then you worry about losing the money. You know, everything
00:16:17
has its opposite. I've never found an exception. Yes. If you have a podcast, you your your co-host on the podcast may not be on that day and you just
00:16:30
You still have a podcast, but then you have to carry the podcast. Yeah, that one stung. I guess I finally started to listen. But here's
00:16:42
about Wicked. The movie Wicked stars Ariana Grande, our friend. I did die every time. I say that every
00:16:53
time. She was doing this. Last time she was going to do Wicked for a Wicked through the podcast. Then she goes, "No, let's
00:16:58
do it for the next Wicked." We're like in a year. And then crickets. We would love to have her. I had so much fun uh
00:17:06
doing that sketch with her with Chloe Fineman. Did you see Wicked? They're complaining this morning that it can be scary for
00:17:17
kids. Now, let me tell you something. Over the weekend, the Wizard of Oz, which I don't even
00:17:24
know if it correlates at all to the Wizard of Oz. It's supposed to be like a prequel. I don't know what it does. It does in a way. Yeah. I mean,
00:17:30
they have Oz. They have the Oz and they have a witches and Yeah. They have the cowardly lion, but he
00:17:35
wants to be an Oozempic. It's like they switch it, make it more They have the brave antelope, which is an added character,
00:17:41
right? Yeah. Uh, so this one, the witch, the green witch is bad. I guess this is her in high school. I'm giving the wrong Whatever it is, but I
00:17:53
have to say it's the Wizard of Oz I saw scared me when I was five, so I never saw it again. I saw it the other day.
00:17:59
scared me again. It's scary. The flying monkeys are they're chasing. They tackle Dorothy and they pull her to kill her.
00:18:05
They say they're going to kill her dog. I mean, if you're a kid, you go, "Oh, they're gonna kill that dog and they go, "We're going to kill you and kill your
00:18:12
dog, Toto." And it's all weird. They light they scare her on fire. I'm like, "Holy shit." So, that's why it's all
00:18:18
dark. The movie is very dark. Shot dark. It's terrifying. I would put Margaret Margaret Hamilton I think played the wicked witch. The makeup, the voice, everything. I'd put it up there with
00:18:28
Hannibal Lectar or anybody as the most terrifying villain in history. I think the monkeys
00:18:34
were creepy because they had dwarfs dressed up. And by the way, I heard this from a dwarf friend of mine that there was so many dwarfs on the set.
00:18:46
Yeah. You know that there were just and dwarfs are not it's like a convention. There was just massive orgies and they'd walk
00:18:54
in and they're all having sex. We represent Lollipop on the yellow brick road. Well, that that was just a set, but when they were back on the lot and stuff,
00:19:05
apparently it was just constant dwarf set. They sneak over to Dorothy's bedroom where on the ranch or whatever where
00:19:11
they used to shoot over there and they go, "No one's using this set." Yeah, I could see that. Maybe Brad Williams, the great comedian
00:19:17
or friend of ours will come that. That's so offensive. Ask about I think someone
00:19:22
told me that. But think it's an absolutely terrifying movie. I I I want the great thing about Wicked where I'm happy for them is the second movie did incredible. A lot of times the second
00:19:32
one's like no it's it's killing it but they're saying like kids are yelling I'm scared.
00:19:38
I'm scared. And so people are like don't bring your kid if it's too scary. Well we didn't have the sound that loud
00:19:44
as a kid. I'll go into a movies here, you know, stadium. I'll get you Dorothy and your little dog, too. Don't you like how old phrases that you remember are not exactly right? Like,
00:19:58
right. My dog Toto, too. There's some people that aren't exactly. Could I do something that's a little R-rated? Yes. Okay. Just a warning for the kids who
00:20:11
are listening. No one. almost one of my very first standup bits. Now, in those days, folks,
00:20:17
you just grabbed at anything. You didn't know anything about joke structure. You didn't know anything.
00:20:23
So, I used to do this bit, the X-rated Wizard of Oz. Whoa. And so, the songs were a little
00:20:29
different. So, the scarecrow is like summer. I like the setup. This is an actual bit I did in comedy clubs when I was in college in the 70s.
00:20:41
Yes. The scarecrow is like, I'd get hard and I'd have more play. I'd even have some more play if I only had a dick.
00:20:51
So, that was killed. Do you think his balls are made out of hay or something? I don't know. You can go. They should
00:20:58
have done this bit. And then I would have a question in the audience. The tin man was like, "Oil my ass.
00:21:05
Oil my ass." Cuz I haven't gone to the bathroom in a thousand years. Dana. Dana. No, this is I'm telling you, it was my first standup bit. I was desperate.
00:21:18
I don't know. All right, I won't do it anymore. No, it's pretty good. I I Here's a comic that's about to steal that joke. Here's
00:21:24
what they say in the green room. I actually used to do something like that. That's how they nab it.
00:21:30
That's how they they [ __ ] nab is the great word. That's how they nab it. Then they go, I used to do a whole bit about like that. Yeah, I don't do it that much
00:21:36
anymore. And then they go do it and steal your joke and they go, "Remember I told you I used to have something like
00:21:42
that." I know. It's the greatest move of a comedian thief. Oh, I do something like
00:21:48
that. Yeah, I say that to you all the time though. Anyway, also the last thing I'll
00:21:54
say is, did you see the new movie uh Bulgaria or whatever? Bulgaria. It's called Balenciaga. It's with Emma Stone. Not yet. I'm not against it. I haven't
00:22:05
seen It's called Bologona. Bolognia. It's called Beluga Galactica. Belugia. Balac.
00:22:17
B. Patunia. Beonia. Okay. Took a while. Um, we got that. Beonia. God. You know what? I'm not saying they directly stole that from
00:22:29
Dandelion. Am I special? Isn't a beonia a flower? them fighting words. But a flower name out of the blue. No, but that's not why I'm saying it.
00:22:42
I'm saying I kind of want to see Beonia. I have a question for you and Greg or Heather, anyone listening. Um, who did it better?
00:22:54
The Bob Dylan pick with Timothy Shell Wala Walaw Walam. Ding dong. Or the Springsteen biopic with Jeremy Allen Muscle. Yes, Chef.
00:23:05
Um, yes, Chef. Which did better, Springsteen or Jer or Bob Dylan? Because I love the
00:23:13
songs and he's pretty good. And the girl that plays Joan Bayz, Monica. Yeah, she was great. He's gorgeous in it. Uh, but I thought that was better than I thought it would be because I was on a
00:23:25
plane. If it's a plane movie, you're not expecting miracles. But I did like it and I did not see Springsteen. I do like
00:23:33
Springsteen to watch, but it got it came out kind of flatlining and so when it's comes out as a dial tone, I get nervous like what do they know that I don't know? I know.
00:23:45
What do you think? What's your vote? Um I don't think Heather saw because most people would say the Bob
00:23:52
Dylan one which I really enjoyed. I'll just That's the typical hacky answer. Yeah, that's kind of like surfacy, you know.
00:23:59
I'll go with the Springsteen because I think it was a harder thing for Jeremy Allen White to pull off and he did it great. Yeah, here was
00:24:14
and and both of my dream remember when Robert Wall used to say they should make Born to Run the The state song for New Jersey. Have you
00:24:29
listened to the words? This town rips the bones from your back. It's a suicide rap. It's a death trap. We got to get
00:24:36
out while we're young. That's a fun song. I know. Because it has a pop, you know, catchy melody. They don't really see the
00:24:43
darkness. Spirit of the night is a great one. Does he do it in the movie? He did a lot. No. Springsteen's brilliant. I mean, he is uh he's funny, too. And I I just like I like the way he
00:24:57
kind of talks in the interviews and they're like, "So when you um did the album, how did you come up?" Well, I
00:25:03
just you know, Rick and I make a song and I I had he land man. He's from he's from New
00:25:10
Jersey but you know he's I went to his Broadway show and all the super fans are there and my wife's a super fan and that was when he said I've said this before but I loved him for the beginning goes
00:25:21
my whole persona I just made it up. I never had a real job my whole life. I was making a little bit of money in high school doing bands. I never had a job and the working man thing is all made
00:25:34
up. I I just saw some guys. I got boots on and some clothes at Salvation Army. So, it's all and the crowd got really quiet, of course, cuz like what the [ __ ] was You're saying this was a madeup thing?
00:25:46
You don't carry a crescent wrench on you at all times? I loved him for it. 316. He created the uh the you know the Bruce Springsteen character, you know. All
00:25:59
right. I have one question before we get to this big headlines. Okay. Okay. And also, don't we have a 5 hour energy
00:26:05
thing? All right. So, here we go. Let's try it like this. I'll give you the buzzing around segment. Right.
00:26:11
So, uh I'm going to give you madeup scenario. But first of all, buzzing around, as you know, is sponsored by
00:26:16
Five Hour Energy's new gingerbread snap flavor. T the season for tasty caffeine with five energy shots that bring the festive vibes anywhere with a portable
00:26:27
resealable 2 shot. It looks kind of like this. Don't look. Uh, head to your local retailer, Amazon, or www.ivhour
00:26:38
energy.com to order yours today. Here's your scenario. Mhm. Last week he was getting pulled over.
00:26:45
This week, do something with AI, include G from that movie, and include from Wayne's World and do Walkin and then a surprise person.
00:26:58
Jeez. Alrighty. It's a It's a highwire act. No, it's easy. I tell you it's easy.
00:27:08
Hey. Hey, Christopher. Welcome. I think that AI could probably like, you know, it could make a cake, right? Oh. Oh, I didn't know. Well, but AI
00:27:23
could probably make cupcakes, right? Wow. Wow. Oh, I didn't know. But AI could probably make caramel popcorn. No, don't think so. AI
00:27:38
can launch nukes. Launch nukes with caramel sauce on top. Oh, I don't think G knows what nukes are. He does. Nukes. He thinks they're something from Nabiscoco. Hey. Hey, Red Red Neckie.
00:27:55
What do you think about AI? What is in there? I don't give a tinker's cuss about AI.
00:28:02
I'm Rednecky, a redneck comedian. You ever fart so loud dog two straight away go what? Come and get some. Hey, I'm Red Red, the redneck comedian.
00:28:17
I asked mama to wash my tatty whiter. She said, "Sure thing." I say, "How'd it go?" She said, "Great." I haven't seen
00:28:24
skid marks like that since the Daytona 500. Come on Geese. Since Since the Dale Ernard crash. I'm Red Redneck.
00:28:35
Redneck comedian. I asked my mama what's for dinner. She says roadkill. I I said
00:28:42
what kind? She says I don't know. That critter got smashed up pretty good. I think it's skunk. Come and get some. Why would it be skunk? I don't know.
00:28:54
It stinks. You're looking for rhyme or reason. Yeah, I want all. Okay, then I'll take it with Dennis
00:29:00
commenting. Okay, Carvey bringing out the heavy guns with G up there. Didn't know what a nuke was. Walkan made a
00:29:07
return appearance on these fivehour NG sketches. All right. Then kind of tagged it with a nonsequator with a redneck in the woods that doesn't have a very exciting existence. I can punch it.
00:29:21
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Rough childhood. Yeah. Thanks for listening, David Spade. I hope you enjoyed the show and scenes. Now it's just me.
00:29:33
No. Holy [ __ ] That you know I did. I don't have to say it, but I should say that that was buzzing around. Sponsored
00:29:40
by Fivery's new gingerbread snap flavor. Fuel your holiday hustle with as much caffeine as a 12 oz premium cup of coffee. and zero sugar available in
00:29:51
stores Amazon or online www.50energy.com 5 hour energy.com. That was good because it was a real interesting assortment of people.
00:30:03
I was trying to keep it keep people guessing. Okay. Let's go to stories because we got Let's go to stories. We got a big show.
00:30:09
So much show. So much show. Okay. Okay. Kim Kardashian learns she has low brain activity after getting a brain
00:30:16
scan. Well, that was after MRI. I didn't hear this story. I just heard she was stressed. And so
00:30:24
that's her quote. That can't be Well, what does that mean? Is are they implying that she's dumb by because he
00:30:31
has low activity in her frontal loes? Is that what they I mean, it sounds like Oh, they say it's stress. Her doctor's
00:30:38
trying to say she's dumb, but using doctor terms, but they say it could be chronic stress. By the way, you can really get anyone to say they're stressed. Have you ever asked anyone,
00:30:51
you ever grab someone's shoulders to give a back rub? Or if anyone grabs mine, I go, "Oh my god." They go,
00:30:56
"You're tight." First thing you say, and then you go, I know I'm really stressed.
00:31:01
Everyone is. Yeah. I don't know. Like anxiety is such a big word. I know that there was tons of anxiety in the 70s, but boy, it was never really You never met a good dude
00:31:13
go, I got a lot of anxiety today. You were just even a word. You were just anxious, but you didn't put a you didn't
00:31:19
put a label on it. You know, do you know how many times I would have beat the [ __ ] out of that word at SNL or any during standup on the road? Like,
00:31:25
god, anxiety would have been to the top of the [ __ ] charts. I mean, Dennis would Dennis Miller would hold
00:31:32
his stomach and go, Cary, Christ sakes, I got bilas here or something like that. Bilus. Yeah, they had different words
00:31:38
for it. Yeah, I think that's some Yiddish phrase or something. I I when I got an MRI, I'll give you here's here's a little throwback.
00:31:50
[Music] My guy, you know, sometimes the statistician technician takes a look at it first. Mhm. Or they go to the doctor and they go like this.
00:32:04
I go, "Are you allowed? What's going on there?" And he goes, "I should let the doctor tell you the bad news.
00:32:11
I'm going to have to call the doctor. This looks weird. Yeah, they said I have so much goddamn brains crammed in my frontal lobe. I have so much I don't have room for anything. There's no extra
00:32:23
space. Not even an ADU. Nothing. Just like jam-packed with info and smartness. Have you ever just been anomalous? I don't know for sure what that is. So,
00:32:38
I got So, this tooth kind of fell out or something way back here. Don't worry about it, folks. So eventually they wait
00:32:45
for the bone to get in there and then the guy has a little thing and and he literally taps it into your, you know,
00:32:51
you're numbed. Taps into the bone. Then he has a little tiny ratchet wrench and he grind
00:32:58
and you feel it getting tighter. It's called a post. So they stick it into your bone and grind it down in there and
00:33:04
it's there now. And uh he goes, "Yeah, usually after 3 days it's a nothing burger." So I go back a week later and I go, "No, it's really really sore." He goes, "Feel
00:33:17
nothing at this point." Huh. Wow. They always say, "Wow." But it's gotten better. But anyway, it was kind of It'll be exciting if you ever lose a tooth for no reason. I'm doing pretty good on that. My
00:33:28
brother just got all his bottom teeth taken out and it's like so brutal. He has to do that. He's not do he got sick
00:33:36
and they go, "First order business, let's get rid of those teeth." teeth and it's like, huh?
00:33:41
What? Because of bacteria from the teeth. Yeah, it's a whole it's a whole bummer.
00:33:47
And then he has to go in after and they're going to put those rivets in there and rebuild.
00:33:52
Oh man. But I'll tell them about your story where you were sore for an hour. No, it was no pity party. It was more like just Oh, most people have nothing at this point. It's just always kind of
00:34:04
like I'm always a little offkilter. Yeah. Offkilter. Yeah. You know when your day starts moving faster than you planned? Yes. That's when I reach for something small
00:34:16
that delivers big on flavor. Me too. Me too. I think it's a great idea. Caffeine. David just got a serious upgrade with our 5-hour energy shots.
00:34:26
They come in 17 bold flavors and each tiny 2 oz bottle brings tasty caffeine with as much caffeine as a 12 ounce premium cup of coffee without the sugar or the sugar crash.
00:34:38
Portable, they're convenient. They pack the flavors of the season. If you're in full holiday hustle mode, this is where
00:34:44
it gets fun. T is the season for tasty caffeine. And 5Hour Energy is introducing a festive new flavor, gingerbread snap. Are you kidding me?
00:34:56
Stop the Stop the Stop the bombing, as you'd say. Think cookie vibes, but in a zero sugar portable shot that fits right into your day. Whether you're powering
00:35:06
through the errands or getting into the holiday spirit, Gingerbread Snap 5Hour Energy Shots bring a little extra magic
00:35:14
wherever you go. Yep. Give your caffeine a flavor upgrade with five energy shots. Get yours in store and online at www.5hourenergy.com
00:35:22
5hour energy.com or Amazon today. Kickstart the holiday magic with gingerbread snap fiveour energy shots
00:35:29
available online at 5our energy.com or where Amazon. Yeah. Yeah. 7 - 2 equals 5 hour. More than you
00:35:41
need. Okay. Next story. That was a good story. Yeah, that was fascinating. I like that one. Mhm.
00:35:47
Shriek. What in that? God's green earth. I think I think are I might have Is this the old
00:35:59
I thought it was Miley Cyrus, but you're right. It's the old twins. I thought it was Miley in a mirror. Honestly, like
00:36:04
leaning into the mirror, but this is a new shock ad, I guess. Um or it's a poster for the new Conjuring. How old are they? Cuz they look in
00:36:16
Do you want to look 70? 75. like a very wellpreserved 75year-old. Why would they do that to
00:36:24
the sweet Olsen twins? Glossy shellac on their face. Little decopage. Also, they're wearing like it
00:36:30
looks like rubber suits. Um I don't know. I know it's to be talked about, so it's doing its
00:36:37
job because two idiots like us are talking about. But it is kind of foss. Yeah, it you're going to talk about electricity. Red Red Neckie would have said, "This all I'm going to say about
00:36:49
that. Those two girls look like they've been rode hard and put to bed wet. Come and get home.
00:36:55
Put away dry." Look at that hair. I'm going to tackle them and put some [ __ ] threeminute miracle in their
00:37:00
hair and leave it on for 20. Let's try to do our version of that next time. You know,
00:37:06
that looks like our movie poster. We should put a fly on the wall with us with that hair. I bet they do it by the
00:37:12
time this is a clip. Hey, by the way, I downloaded Sora Pro 2. Oh boy. And you can go 15 seconds at a time, but
00:37:22
you can stitch them together. So, I had this movie that I wrote called Idiots and Monsters. So, I've photocopied a
00:37:31
piece of it and then fed it to the AI and then I could see the scene being made.
00:37:36
It's It's really mind-blowing where this is going. You can literally make a feature film with your laptop. It's It's
00:37:43
extraordinary, you know. Here's something that I think was going to be one of the clips is
00:37:49
Oh, you sent me this some stupid prankster. You know, these guys on Instagram that I can't stand.
00:37:54
Did I send it to you? He goes into Oh, yeah. Yeah. door and he goes up to someone and says,
00:38:02
"This is your car." And he has a video of the guy's car and they're smashing the windshield in of the real guy's real
00:38:09
car. And the guy stares him like, "That is my car." And he's like, "Yeah, I did that." And the guy's scared shitless cuz
00:38:16
now the guy's coming in to show him he just trashed his car and he's probably going to kill him. So the guy starts
00:38:22
freaking out to run out and he grabs his wife and it's and the guy's like, "What are you a pussy?" And he's like,
00:38:29
"But it's all AI, but it's so scary looking at you hate these kind of guys." He could be in a department store. He'll
00:38:35
take a photo of someone, unbeknownst to him, or two people sitting on a bench. He'll somehow hack AI and and make an instant AI that looks like they're doing
00:38:46
something they didn't do and then he can show them the video people. So, it's this new thing and it's
00:38:52
it's it's pretty it's intense. It was you know what because I hate those kind of guys anyway because it's like the cheapest form of like let's
00:38:59
ruin someone's day for your own benefit. But he had a guy playing slots, like an older guy, and he goes up to this other
00:39:04
dude and he goes, "Hey, this guy, when you were playing slots, he came back and he was sniffing your hair and trying to
00:39:10
lick it." And he shows a video of the guy doing it. And he went over the guy to start a fight with him
00:39:16
and this dude's laughing and I'm like, "He's going to beat the [ __ ] out of some poor guy who's just playing the slots going, "Huh?"
00:39:22
Yeah. He shows him the video. There's a lot of tension. We can't show one now, though. Well, we had I I I
00:39:28
don't know if you sent it in, but the He sent it to Greg on on email. Oh, on email. Uh if you find it, put it
00:39:35
up. If not, I will tell you that in the future, it's going to be hard to prosecute people because if you show them robbing something and they say,
00:39:45
"Can you prove it's not AI?" You might go, "I I can't totally prove that." You officially can't really believe
00:39:51
anything you see. So, what happens then? I don't know. That's a problem. Yeah. Um I think we should take 20 minutes and think about No. Okay. Let's go to the
00:40:02
next story and we'll go more upbeat. But we're here to give you the real facts, people. Yeah. We don't We're just real.
00:40:09
We're not like a fun show. Okay. Here's a fun one. 1.7 million people are currently role playing as
00:40:15
ants on Facebook. I like this one. I guess it's like Farmville. Remember Farmville, Heather? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I guess it's like that. You play your an aunt and then you have jobs like let's
00:40:28
lift this [ __ ] potato chip up. And then you have duties and stuff. Look at this woman is like is like oh what are
00:40:36
my aunt duties today? She forgets her own duties of life to go well as an aunt. Well explain it a little better
00:40:43
for me there. I don't really get it. That's the thing. So you got an aunt picture or anything?
00:40:48
It's like a video game in a way and your aunt is because they are very organized. I think like Farmville where you go and
00:40:56
make a little garden. Yeah. Yeah, I see. Like a video game in a embody an ant. I guess right too stupid.
00:41:03
This isn't for us. Well, when work is obsolete, this would be people will have something to do.
00:41:09
Yeah. When the AI takes everyone's I know. It does all the jobs. So then you just look Is that Lindsay Lohan laying down? I
00:41:15
don't think so. Um that's Kathy Griffin. Okay. Uh that's that's a carrot top with
00:41:22
a hair straightener. All right, let's go to the next one. And then we got We'll wrap it up soon.
00:41:27
Is there any more? We're not out. Oh, this is remember the from the girl Kim Kardashian that brought you the fake bush underwear. Oh, this is the new way to trick the world.
00:41:41
Uh, let's see this girl. This what they sell at. We're like a promotion for SK butt and hip and hand sync bodysuit.
00:41:49
There are pads on the butt and on the hips. This is my figure without This is my Okay. She looks fine. These are my allergy tests. Those are allergy pads. Hold separately.
00:42:03
Okay. Okay. Um I mean, so she has bigger boobs and a bigger butt, right? Uh I mean, how much can we I don't really find it.
00:42:14
I know. I like the first I just like the allergy with this bodysuit 247. Okay, stop. But yeah, this is why I have a cucumber in
00:42:28
my pants at all times. Well, I have something like that on underneath my lumberjack outfit today,
00:42:34
but I have a packless outfit I put on. So, it looks like I just have no muscles. Do they have something that men would wear like a layer? So, it looks like you have big biceps and
00:42:45
Yeah. big thighs, big quads, big wieners, big shoulders. Is that Does that exist? That's
00:42:51
I don't know. But don't look under your Christmas tree because that's what I'm getting you. I'm talking to you, The Rock.
00:42:57
Yeah. I mean, I'm mad at Kim because don't you don't have to say like you need this. Also,
00:43:04
like Heather was saying for women, you don't need this stupid suit. Let's just keep it an even playing field out there.
00:43:10
The thing that I remember when people would say early on, what do they do? What do the Kardashians do? They're
00:43:16
brilliant. And I don't know who thought of it. It was the mom. Once the Osbornes came in and you would sell yourself and
00:43:23
your your life would get public and you could become famous and then they were attractive young women. And so we can monetize that and become billionaires.
00:43:35
So first and foremost, they're just in a business. You you don't you don't identify it as a business, but they're
00:43:41
business people. And so the only reason they put that thing out, the shapy thing, because they think they could
00:43:47
sell a lot. There's nothing wrong with it. Or they can't talk about it and then go buy something else in there. Like the
00:43:52
fake bush they don't think is flying off the shelves, but then they get the company talked about. Yeah. So ridiculous. And then they go, well,
00:44:00
they're smart because then morons like you go, oh, they're smart because Well, they're just they're very good of
00:44:07
stirring the algorithm. And they had a hidden camera on the matriarch Chris Chris Card. Was it Chris? Is that the
00:44:13
mom? And she's around the table with everyone. She goes, "Chloe, I need an ass pick like yesterday." Okay. From
00:44:21
behind squat in the sand. You know what I'm talking about. All right. If I have to see [ __ ] um
00:44:28
your kids again. Yeah. Amy Polar Amy Polar uh or um Amy Schumer has lost a couple lbs.
00:44:40
Yeah, she looks very good. I saw some photos of Amy Schumer this weekend. She looked great. Yeah.
00:44:45
Uh also, I think reality shows after the Osbornes and then the Kardashians, it was a new world for kids to go that don't want to really work. They go, "Hey, I argue in the kitchen. I hate my
00:44:58
family, too. I could do this. And then they go, I should start my own reality show or Tik Tok. Let me just show my life. And that is a business for people.
00:45:09
It might have to be. It's the only thing you can't really fake. It's very weird. I'm showing all the time.
00:45:15
Oh, wait. I will show you a story. I don't know if we have it, but it was, you know, how they had that AI actress
00:45:21
and then all the actors got mad, of course. Yeah. and they were she signed with I think YouTube had a following and the whole
00:45:28
thing and now they have AI influencers like they have one super they're always a super babe goes to the US Open and hangs
00:45:37
out and takes pictures no one knows it's a fake person they follow her cuz she's so pretty and now they have one that has
00:45:44
leukemia so you don't even know it's AI right away and then you're like oh I feel sorry this influencer
00:45:51
because she's sick and she's like Well, and Oh, and she's just saying that and she's a digital copy of a human. Yeah. Oh, so her story is this. And you're like,
00:46:03
I can't I don't even know if I should be mad or offended or like I can't keep up with the world.
00:46:09
Oh, faking out GoFundMes. Yeah. I mean, I don't think she's looking for a GoFundMe, but I'm sure people fake out
00:46:15
GoFundMes. And this girl, of course, she has to be beautiful, too. No matter what the AI
00:46:21
like start beautiful and then we'll make a story after that. But this is slightly offensive to
00:46:27
um yeah this the line between reality sad and tragic and Yeah. Yeah. Okay. What's next and then we'll wrap it
00:46:37
up. I'm stumped. I'm stupified. You're stupified. I got to process that. I'll get back to you on the next. Yeah.
00:46:43
Fly on the wall. Ow. What's this? Gross. What is it? What's that? Oh, they've invented
00:46:50
contacts that can now see things that the naked eye can't see as well as see in the dark. Tell me more. Yeah. What's happening is they're putting the I hate people that talk at the bottom.
00:47:01
Go ahead. That they can't see with the naked eye, whiching them out. So, they don't know if they want to release them yet until
00:47:07
they can just only see in the dark. That's awesome. of these contacts said that they saw
00:47:14
creatures that looked dark like UFO UFO as well as it always goes back to those guys. Long fingers go uh oh what I don't want to see this see super well in the dark but what was
00:47:29
strange is they could close their eyes and still see through their eyelids even in the dark.
00:47:34
Nope. Many of them have I like the little laugh after every comment they were seeing and how creeped out
00:47:40
they got. Also said that one of these dark creatures. See, I hope that guy's making multiple six figures a year just just playing
00:47:51
someone else reposting and he was affable. And if he sees this, good on you, bro. What we're doing is we're
00:47:57
going to talk over him talking over that and then post our thing and someone will
00:48:03
talk over us and it'll just you pass it along. All right. I feel like that's enough for
00:48:09
everybody today. I think so. Yeah. It's enough for you. We have another one we got to do tonight.
00:48:15
Yeah. It's fun. People, someone in the comments goes, "Spades always burn out because he said
00:48:20
they do 10 a day." I'm like, "10 a day? If we do two, I'm laying down in a fetal
00:48:27
position. Uh, I will say, Dana, you don't know this, but I'm on the road. I'm going to San Diego in January.
00:48:34
I'm going to Utah. I'm going to Caesar's Palace with Nikki Glazer. We're doing You're in the the Colosseum. Coliseum. It's going to be great. Nikki
00:48:46
Nikki will be great. And then uh full tour davidpay.com. Get them while they're hot and keep
00:48:53
watching. And I'll be at Whole Foods and Tarzana in about 20 minutes. January 7th. Uh January 13th, I'll be at the YMCA gym in Enino
00:49:06
from 10 to 12. January 21st, I'll be at the Shell Station on Ventura Boulevard. Stop by,
00:49:14
say hi. Uh okay. Thanks, Dana. And I always appreciate you coming in to do this for
00:49:19
me. Thank you. Thank you. And I'll see you on my show next week and podcast. Hey guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us a
00:49:37
review, fivestar rating, and maybe even share an episode that you've loved with a friend. If you're watching this
00:49:43
episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now. Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey, an executive
00:49:50
produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Mattie Sprung Kaiser, and Leah
00:49:56
Reese Dennis of Odyssey. Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman. And the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweet
00:50:03
Tech. Booking by Cultivated Entertainment. Special thanks to Patrick Fogerty, Evan Cox, Mora Curran, Melissa
00:50:12
Wester, Hillary Shuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gainner, Shan Cherry, Kurt Kourtney, and Lauren Vieiraa. Reach out with us any questions to be asked and answered on the show. You can email us
00:50:25
at fly onthewallsey.com. That's audacy.com.