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Dana this is Rob Schneider our good bud who uh I can't believe it's taking this long we got Rob on he's one of our palsy
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grown-ups and a million other things orgasm guy uh sensitive naked man you remember that one oh yeah yeah it's funny it was quirky so I'm gonna ask you yeah I'm gonna tell you a quick story do
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you want to hear about my monkey's audition or my Lauren phone call or my mom well let's start with the monkey's audition okay that's it I'll just do one for this intro okay because
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we got to talk about Rob unfortunately it's not all about us which it usually is on the podcast
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[Music] well I go thanks guest that reminds me of a 22 minute story it's like a long
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joke two narcissists start a podcast at the the guest is the whole time like what are y'all going can I if I could
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jump in I had a quick question to maybe anecdote you know because um yes you know you kind of swallow and he smack your lips you know because uh you know I'm allergic to uh podcasting you see
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because because I don't need me to be didactic or facetious but as of this moment and having said a word it's about an hour 20. who went to dinner at his house and and he said Woody had five
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Heinekens in a row and never had never used the bathroom never was intoxicated the guy said what do you you've had five
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Heinekens you never use the restroom he goes yeah it's my special talent if that's true it's hilarious that's
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that's word for word true okay so I'll I'll do this one on the next one monkey's audition but this one is uh Rob
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Schneider um what can you say he's got a career he's got movies he's got the hot chick
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which had Rachel McAdams kind of not discovered everybody Anna Faris and Rachel Adams I think yeah the thing
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about Rob which I it was fun to revisit that he is quite a Storyteller yes and you're gonna enjoy this episode because he takes his time one of the reasons the episode went so long says he's such a
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great Storyteller and he would he'll come at these things comprehensively like this part that part that part and
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get to it which is really nice for podcasting so so much fun and uh he sings he does a lot of uh funny little accents and stuff
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so many characters accents he breaks down his catchphrase Adam Sandler famous catchphrase I read for that Dana for you can do it yeah I go and I go
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you can do it I did it like too dramatic and Adam was like thank you we'll let you know I you know my thing I went in
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red too and I just I just I went a little sexy you can do it really and it was screaming at a football game and that was yeah I just didn't read the script I just want to go you guys and that's
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great carving but uh next time next time maybe maybe skim the just the page of the script when it says Stadium full of people no I did not read for you could do it but Rob uh he he's the only one
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could do a copy machine we go through that's great massive everyone Harry and IL Cantore we break down those which is
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big news which I shouldn't say didn't you did he write [ __ ] massive head over here I it was his I'm sure you know
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it's then people would chime in but it was Rob's and he will tell you I thought it was stories about what happened at the end of mass massive head wound Harry because what happened was a little
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incendiary involving an animal and there was a method to the madness how's that for tease I'm teasing more now and this
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one's a two-parter and uh or as I call it a two-farter no I don't actually I don't say that
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[Music] foreign [Music] this is all this is great you're in here these are just really fun because I can get a sense of you you know like if
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usually something's wrong or you're bored you're suppressing a yawn your eyes darting that face that says why did I say yes
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we're already halfway done wait can I use it we're almost done one last question for Rob I gotta go to the
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bathroom I'll be back in an hour I'll I'll deal with this guy you there's one down here dude so many thoughts are
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flying go to bathroom 38 it's straight across so many thoughts were flying through my head um you just have to field questions it's
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easier way here you know I'll wait for Daniel to come back but like the um hurry Dana no the the thing about um you David was you had a you were
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unlike me I would go to life and like there was like a very Asian thing very Chinese thing and I worked I did a movie
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with Jean-Claude Van Damme in China it was a different uh thing and this is going to come back to you eventually but
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what happened was if there was a um um in the the Western World if if there is a um a problem you look at and go okay well these are the tools we need uh
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this is how long it's going to take and these are the amount of people we're going to get now uh in China was the exact opposite they'd run to a place
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with the people that they had figured out what the problem was there and use the tools that they could so it was in
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other words it was like a lot of things blowing up on set you know and like you know the Gen uh you know the generator
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or whatever getting rained on and blowing up and so but you figured out things quicker like for instance like
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when I first met David at an acting class here in town you um you kind of figured out where the
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good looking girls who the good-looking girls were and who and then you also had
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like instead of like you know when I moved down here I moved into like a dump and then like you you buy like the one
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piece of furniture and then I went to your house and you had a scam worked out way ahead of time which is like you
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moved in with a really good looking older one woman you just rented a room in her house and the place was tricked
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out already oh right she had a beautiful couch she had like I mean first of all a couch was like a big deal to me yeah
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nice and then she had stuff on the wall she had nothing on the walls yeah you know refrigerator and you just worked
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out his delicate situation with her and I'm like holy [ __ ] I would have never figured that out it was I was looking at
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the place David I was looking at the paper for places to live and and on my own I couldn't click and get one and it
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was too expensive and then hers was four hundred dollars but she already had a two bedroom so I
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just went and met random people yeah and then it was in Toluca Lake and it had a room she had the big room and she had
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the whole place beautifully done I would just walk in skim through the kitchen you could keep stuff in the fridge she
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was very nice let's go in my room so that's all I needed I had a room with a bed and then a little desk and then a TV
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in the corner so I could write pick up the phone hear your messages and then sleep so that's all I needed and it
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really she was also a very interesting yeah that was very older woman and when I say older I mean she was 30. which is
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for us yeah that was like a crazy old girl it was like Mrs Robinson yeah and we and I never even started with it let
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me figure this out but she was too out of my league too pretty she was an actress and she was
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four five years older than us six years seven years old yeah which is a huge which is huge big jump I could it was
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weird to talk to girls our age we had no confidence back then and we were just like and she was so great
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but then I think the day I left she's like oh you know we never dated wow and I was like you could have said something I would stay there 11 years well you know what I said they're all during SNL
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Mary Lou Henner who we're talking about said to me to me set the scene for 30 seconds you know you know I do this for the audience
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yeah so this is a trifecta of people who've known each other for a long time yeah we'll talk about Rob and I doing
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stand-up in San Francisco in the early days for him he was like at eighth grade I don't know but he was always great and
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then how I intersected with you at neon's movie said in the podcast and then YouTube hooking up Dennis Miller
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gets in there next thing you know I get on SNL and then here come Schneider and Spade I just wanted to set the table
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that we've known each other a long time yeah there was a thing but because we were on I mean I want to get to the Dana
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track of it all I'm going to interview you guys the but you had a way of figuring things out and then what I what
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I one thing is I've been listening to the podcast was the psychological makeup that for people who get for comedians
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who get on SNL and like I've been like interesting deep into uh this uh kind of um well I would call it like emotional damaged people I'm sure I consider
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myself it's like yeah you know what it was like it's like it's got to be one parent who's missing
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unavailable either physically or emotionally and another one trying to make up for it who has also got a
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problem is because she's with somebody who's emotionally and physically not available and so that was a kind of the
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club that was mine exactly so there is something about that like you know who's not there and it's just depending on who you know like and then that other parent tries to make up for it and can never
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completely but at the same time like also the youngest person in the family you know there's nothing about the youth
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or you know sometimes it's an older one who felt like they had to clean up for everybody else in the family this is a
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weird thing though where like you know there was missing something so you felt like you had to go out in the world and try to get it so gross but pretty
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accurate and then that begets resiliency if you have dysfunctional parents you become the adult in a way and then Show
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Business which is an emotionally violent sport because I want to ask you guys like yeah you bomb that night or SNL
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person's there and you don't do well you just go through a land field and then who it's a darwinian thing like who
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survives The Game of Thrones of early standout skits makes friends other people up the
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food chain recognize in your case your guys stood out from all the young comedians on a tier below me and for
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your writing and everything else and like how did you deal Rob so you how did you fight through this or were
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you like how did you get on Saturday I think it was a combination of extremely vulnerable and extremely hypersensitive
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I remember when I was in second grade because you know my mom's is was Filipino she just recently passed away
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Asian and really tough War Survivor and she was uh and and I've through therapy through the Dr Gabor mate who's an amazing Hungarian therapist he's like
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it's it's like he would call it generational trauma in other words that's passed on to I didn't even
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realize about this so like but we would eat weird things and my friends wouldn't want to they wouldn't come over the house twice
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once you see like you know somebody's mom sucking the eyes out of a fish and crunching it in front of them literally go back for that second meal that's it so that that's the and so what happened
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I grew up so it would be like you know you go over your other friend said they weren't like heads you don't go to places there's like you know the head of
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a fish or the head of the shrimp and stuff but I loved that but it was embarrassing because you were taught to
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love it and you didn't even know what you're eating is it okay for you right now to do your mom talk
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explaining that to your friends like because now like how she sounded I'm in my feed but but see what and it was this
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it's very hard that's what I was doing it was it was literally like my whole child it was just literally like just
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just you know if if not physically emotionally kind of jumping back but I remember being in second grade being at
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the tide pools because that's what you do if you're a California Kid yeah you're you're they don't they don't take you to the zoo it's cheaper to just go
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to like the ocean and see if there's anything over the Pacifica yeah we went to the tide pool and then I remember
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picking up one of these things that we would eat you know it would be of an Asian thing like a little clam or
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something and I said this smells good and I remember the season yeah Robert that's disgusting put it down and that's
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when I realized I said at seven years old I said I am way more sensitive than any of the other kids in my in my class
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and that's my weakness yeah and I I knew that that right then and that was and then it took 20 years to realize well that's also your strength so it's a combination of the two things extreme
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sensitivity but also like you know and my parents were like you know it's like being raised by 12 year olds you know my
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my mother first because that was when her trauma happened when you know in the Philippines the Japanese came over and
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both her brothers were murdered by the Japanese and so that Trauma from that time she would whenever she had problems she would revert to that because that was her survival mechanism so when she was mad at my dad I remember coming home
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and seeing every glass every plate in the whole house that she could reach on the floor broken and my brother would just go hey Gotta Wear your shoes today in the house that was another agency how
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old were you like at that point when you see the broken glass like six seven eight yeah like the young
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impressionable time that doesn't never get the child [ __ ] with you and you laugh at it and then the dad would come
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home Marvin would come home and the mature guy would come home and he would everything my mom couldn't reach he'd
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break nothing but broken stuff and it's like this is this is normal didn't happen
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every day but there was that that was representative of like whoa there's a land mine here so but it did make you
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tough and I remember like going back stand up yeah when you I just remember the sensation of bombing and I said okay
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this has to be instructional and that's the kind of thing of being tough and this is you in high school right when
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you start saying yeah okay bombing because it's like you know you David you can relate to this seriously when you're performing and you don't you're not an
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adult people are concerned about you even being in a club there's alcohol there they're not relaxed and they have
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to be relaxed to watch and and sure so I just remember eating it so hard one time
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bombing on stage the physical the physical feeling of it and I said okay remember what this is as I was walking off stage the only thing I can describe it as it felt like my ears were melting
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off of my head yeah sometimes when I get up when it's such a Bomb It Feels Like The Hurt Locker where a bomb was on she's like
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and everyone's talking you can't see their mouth you're just walking off going well because you're thinking of so many things what went wrong what was
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going on and and how everyone's repelled from you because you bombed and they don't want to be near you and but I I
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didn't quit and I was saying it was like Officer and a Gentleman I got nowhere else to go I didn't really I didn't have
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any other plan once I started doing stand up I quit school and then I go I have to keep doing this because
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I'm not good at anything but it's instructional though because at the same time what I didn't realize and that was
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to realize you know through years of of therapy like I feel like I'm Charles Grodin Charles by the way when did you
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start I'm stealing your therapy because I therapy at 15. no no 15 therapy oh God
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on and off for years but the last three years pretty good all right so go back you said Charles Grodin Charles Grodin would be when you talk to him he talked
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to you like he said he basically treated everybody like they were just getting out of drug rehab you know so every
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conversation every word was kind of like this you know so very gentle so that everybody so and it's just it's too much
00:15:06
you know but um well when did you talk with Charleston I'm sorry remember he had he had a talk show oh you went on MSNBC one of those yeah and they hit one of those guys he was like a therapist this is too much therapy Phyllis Diller
00:15:19
is here the idea of it though is instructional now that I think about it because you do have to melt away the ego so you have to kind of start from zero to do stand up
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to risk yourself to risk humiliation you got to let go of that ego in this thing we all didn't have much ego though huh
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we did we all didn't have much ego then I mean it was more like I didn't think it was a good stand-up I was trying to be a good one and I was sort of all
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broken down into the bits anyway so any any elevation we got to there's a point when Rob and I were pretty much from Dave Becky the guys that booked like The Improv stuff were pretty much two of the
00:15:54
best middles out there getting I think a thousand each that was a lot first yeah I mean for a week now yeah yeah they'd
00:16:01
fly you somewhere yeah they'd pay as much as 12.50 or 1500 a weekend wait what which was crazy I think I capped out a thousand and
00:16:14
that's when we got SNL because we were friendly we were friendly with uh Drake sather we knew maybe Apatow Sandler there were some guys in the valley doing the valley improv and then when we got
00:16:25
we never had more we remember we're good headlines but we're monster middles yeah we didn't realize how hard you both open
00:16:31
for me I'll say at the end of the podcast who was the hardest guy to follow yeah
00:16:38
I was one second go back to the ego thing because I think that's really interesting did you guys have a sense
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even if it was here and there like a sneaky ego or kind of like I think I might be able to do this like maybe you were the funny guy in seventh grade or you did a book report and they laughed so that's the problem you might had a
00:16:58
little bit of a sneaky ego of like yeah I could do this this is one thing I would respectfully disagree with you on
00:17:03
that day yeah it's gigantic ego it's fragile and extreme sensitivity extreme vulnerability and that combination is Show Business it is it is because of
00:17:14
what it is but what what happens is once you have that monster thing that happened like for me was in high school
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where all of a sudden I was the funny guy and then and then everything changed like girls who would never look at me
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look and then that was it that's my end so that was the the one kernel that would keep you going because you said
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this can really work I know I can do this I murder with my friends and so that combination of of that and then so
00:17:39
when you're bombing and stuff you go and this is this could work this could work right and but you're not with your
00:17:44
friends anymore and that's the way people say I'm the funniest guy at my office when you go to a stage where no
00:17:49
one play that to the audience though seriously well I think part of the Charisma and I think with you guys too it's sort of like that likability comes
00:17:56
from the vulnerability but get out of the way I'm the [ __ ] you know it's like it's like Elvis Presley which you played
00:18:02
in it in Japan yeah oh well I want to get to that in a second [Music] but I do think the Charisma cut because I there were alpha male Comics that were
00:18:17
like bludgeoning the audience and killing with just sort of energy and energy and loudness crowd work and stuff
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and they didn't go as far as the sensitive guys who also could be strong and also you guys are both great writers
00:18:30
let's we'll get to that later I hate to say that but you really were we're getting into nothing thank you everything's later you have to recognize
00:18:38
it to be a success part two I did recognize her that when I was doing stand-up and I you know kind of you have
00:18:44
a couple of good moments or whatever some joke but then you see people uh who you know and I didn't have that the
00:18:50
confidence and sometimes you kind of get a little of it but then you see people who are really confident and not talented yeah recognize that I didn't
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understand that yeah that didn't make sense to me it's like why Zach at confidence in their Headliners you're
00:19:02
like but not talented yeah so with that and you had to recognize okay what's the difference how am I gonna make it you
00:19:08
walk into a place in 1982-83 yeah there's 30 comics and go and but did recognize just in those part of the
00:19:15
strength that I that I did get from my you know my violent mother was like how are you going to make it how am I going
00:19:21
to make it and these guys probably aren't what's going to be the difference yeah I would make that thought yeah yeah
00:19:26
you know I mean I gotta make I gotta work hard on these guys and also I got to get rid of anything in my act that they're talking about yeah that's the
00:19:32
hard part if you the more stuff you have a side note about yourself least likely it's gonna bump with
00:19:38
someone else because when I go up and the guy and I'm like a middle and the headliner goes you're going before me yeah and he goes okay don't do anything
00:19:44
about Jeopardy Wheel of Fortune driving and I go that's my [ __ ] whole act so yeah I'm not allowed to do exit bumps
00:19:50
with his which is something that happens uh the other switch for me and Rob is jumping in after SNL We Could headline
00:19:57
and we weren't quite ready and the the biggest thing about headlining for me that was harder was a following a good
00:20:03
middle like a Rob and then B the checks going out that people at home don't know
00:20:09
that when you're doing an hour set or for even 45 around 25 or 30 minutes the checks go down and
00:20:15
that means everyone needs to pay so they can get them out oh they're doing math they're good and everyone stops laughing
00:20:20
they just go look at their check and go hey who had two cokes did you have the curly fries what's ten percent at 179
00:20:27
three percent and then everyone's like talk and then you go wait that joke usually kills it and people never warn
00:20:33
me oh the checks go out right about then and there's some Comics that say don't put the checks out until I'm off which
00:20:38
is it [ __ ] the waiters over because you know I never say that because you got if you can get through that hump then
00:20:44
you're good again because if you're killing when you hit that hole and you go oh no the checks went out my head I
00:20:50
see someone like slow motion going oh let me get my Visa I go oh my God everyone's getting them right now and no
00:20:56
one's listening and then you got to bring them back for your closer you got to somehow keep them around
00:21:02
for 20 years because of that because I just like I respect the art form too much to do it if you're not doing it all
00:21:07
the time and I didn't want to eat it and blah blah and I did like I said if I'm gonna do this I Gotta Do It full time and when people pay you don't want to
00:21:13
rip them off by doing like that yeah I don't want to feel I don't want to do celebrity Victory lap so I had to jump back into it hard and I did and it's
00:21:21
been like now I'm ready to get out of it again you know but then in my tour is celebrity Victory lap so I feel so stupid I well what happens is those you
00:21:29
guys you guys are just middle so you have like a 30 when you got on this one I'm trying to be generous
00:21:43
you become the bad boys of comedy and you both have this great run in the 90s on SNL okay
00:21:49
you're being offered can you go do an hour at a college for like 20 grand or 15 grand but you don't have it so what that was I broke at a certain point I stopped doing stand-up but I remember
00:22:00
where it was it's like 90 1992. it's 4 000 people in Milwaukee you're famous now now I'm famous yeah
00:22:07
and I never had the thing where people are paying to see you before and they're yelling out stuff that you know making
00:22:12
copies during the day it's during the day sober well they're not well this is Milwaukee they're drinking during the day and then they do they do uh you do the
00:22:25
show and I got I stumbled and it got through it and it was like I gritted it out and then there's two shows that day
00:22:31
because they're paying you a lot of money there's two pictures and then I walk out there and I look and I go it
00:22:37
the most frightening thing is it's the same no oh no and I got to do it again the same crowd you can't pull it off
00:22:44
grotesque what did you do I can't go on I I just I mentally broke and I got started crying you know it's like a nightmare no but like you know from doing stand-ups so much times you know when you're having the middle of like I
00:22:56
said that ain't the best one oh yeah and you just you just you get through it because you're you know you're like a
00:23:01
you can go into that robot mode and I remember talking like it's a weird thing you can show business you show up at a place and I have made and I you're like
00:23:08
this too Danny you just like what experience can I get out of this particular situation and I do that so I
00:23:13
was on some show I forget it was Leno or Letterman or one of those things and there's this this Asian violinist this
00:23:19
is like famous I'm sorry I forget her name now but I said how many days a year do you feel like on on and I said and
00:23:26
she said well I work 250 do 250 dates a year I said how many of those dates would you guess which she felt like at the top of her yeah good question do you know how many she said I'm gonna
00:23:38
say two yeah I got it shut up because then you know exactly that the little tiny thing it's like because when
00:23:50
I went first of all Dana was the guy yeah in San Francisco there's two guys that like that were like so talented
00:23:57
that Hollywood came up there was Robin Williams and Dana Carter were so talented you don't mind me saying it's
00:24:02
just a fact you were famous before you were famous they were so talented that Hollywood started coming up looking for
00:24:08
it man look well there's more but we'll we'll okay I guess we'll take that guy and it was like right like it's comedy
00:24:14
third tier of those guys well all right well then Bobcat he's young enough maybe he'll turn this on but Daniel would have
00:24:20
lines around the block and you know performing for open mics you don't really get the that audience you can't
00:24:26
really tell if your material kills or not whatever but when you're open for Dana Carvey you have a chance to have a
00:24:32
real audience who's there for common good comedy was excited about comedy Danny used to part of is that he used to
00:24:38
be able to do stuff about people waiting in line for his next show and that was some of the funniest stuff in the show
00:24:43
because it was like at the other Cafe there was like an open window oh you can see this in the window you see them
00:24:49
waiting to come in other comedians we would sit in the back and just watch and go like okay I said well we're good but we can't do
00:24:56
that yeah well I had the same thing with Robin I just kept thinking I gotta get better every time he'd come up and
00:25:01
levitate the holy city zoo and I was starting in college so by the time you saw me Rob I had gotten other Cafe open
00:25:09
in 79 and that's sort of where I started to develop I hey the first time I did a
00:25:14
character for 30 seconds it wasn't me I was terrified so by the time I that that
00:25:19
club really really saved me because you know you play The Honky Tonk bars cowboy bars with the blender going yeah and
00:25:25
your hat gets Bluer and louder but that was like a it was a 60-seater it was old
00:25:31
hippies in there it's the difference between like liberals in San Francisco in the 60s and
00:25:36
70s which are like question authority yeah right like and they go with you and if you were taking more artistic license
00:25:42
and sometimes like Grace Slick would be in the audience you know you'd have like it was like there were these cool kind
00:25:49
of the what you what I loved about San Francisco yes and which was is Artistic and we're
00:25:55
supporting you like those you know the great you know Ferlin Getty and the um you know the City Lights Bookstore it
00:26:01
was a place you go they printed their own books so San Francisco had that Vibe at that time it still had it was eclectic cool neighborhood and now it's
00:26:09
it's it's gone but but that was a really now it's it's have you been to the gun Downs alone there
00:26:16
but that was a place where they did reward you for going first yes and and would go and then so that was the
00:26:22
perfect place yeah and uh for for that and it you really did get a chance to see and you were like you were
00:26:29
levitating on stage it was just you were floating and then the characters that you would do you Pummel an audience they
00:26:34
were literally exhausted leaving rape and pillage geez Louise I'm loving this podcast
00:26:41
let's not make this a rushy one that's very nice Rob but when you appeared because I want to throw out some names because it's nostalgic so Rob and I came up from the San Francisco comedy scene
00:26:52
which you you know so and the comedy let me just interrupt one second and and the comment the big thing back then was if
00:26:58
you're a comic then was the San Francisco comedy competition oh yeah yes and you
00:27:04
didn't want to win it but you wanted to get top five what was the newspaper but Dana would do this thing and he told me this Dana was like Danny gave me nuggets
00:27:11
which I held to this day because and it really wasn't he he used to drive to the I'll never forget this when you drove to
00:27:18
the comedy uh competition because that was a lot of pressure and the talent scouts were coming it was a big effing
00:27:24
deal Robin Williams that was so and this was the time it was like it was big you
00:27:30
would perform at like 1500 people it was that big weeks of rounds to get to the finals and then and and you would and he told me said that Dana said that on the way to the place he would listen to The
00:27:41
Beatles it's getting better all the time yeah a little bit what a weirdo isn't that kind of cool it's a little sexy because and
00:27:52
I need to feel funny before I go on stage no one told me that you had to feel silly he got himself in the butt so
00:27:58
there was a methodology he didn't just do it and because sometimes you just see the after effect like we didn't see the
00:28:04
College Years and working your way up and watching Robin having to follow Robin we just saw the audience just sees
00:28:09
what they see so but to learn the craft and to learn at the high level that you were at and just as a young man watching
00:28:16
it's like okay that's that's how you do this that was very instructional and it It prepares you for SNL in a way I mean there's people came up through growlings and stuff which kind of take their
00:28:27
sketch and put it on stand up is so rough and tumble you have to be so tough that on SNL all you're trying to do and
00:28:34
it took me I think 80 shows just the quiet that voice in the back your head saying this isn't going well I missed
00:28:41
that line oh I dropped that dress was better I didn't commit like I did at dress and so I wonder where you came in
00:28:48
and when you felt like you got in the groove with SNL like were you out of the box or before we did four shows in the 80 89 90 season they brought us in which was like it was a wonderfully it was
00:29:01
just amazing to just be there you were like um somebody you know Bernie brillstein who was uh you know talent manager
00:29:08
extraordinaire and he was also but he would also give you look look yeah you're gonna have to wait and that's part of it is you wait so it lets you know to do oh you were less important
00:29:24
but not in a bad way but that's like yeah and so so this is a famous talent manager I'll manage Belushi and I was like telling you this and Lauren listen so the thing about it was like I mean
00:29:39
it's ridiculous it actually managed everybody his whole Lorne Michaels the famous you know comedy and uh you know
00:29:47
legend legend who you know launches careers would uh would also have a system making a little easier so he
00:29:53
would rather just if you were in the brillstein camp that was like you know minor league ball until you get a chance
00:29:58
to get in there but I remember like the night that we auditioned at The Improv and by that time I was hardened and I
00:30:05
was ready to go and I had a monster because a monster um set because I had I had a monster I
00:30:11
remember like because Jay Leno Bob Fisher our old manager for sure was another talent manager in the San
00:30:17
Francisco scene who identified could identify Talent so if you're gonna make it and I'm never wrong it's just nice to hear that wow that's nice to hear
00:30:27
[Music] yeah did you have a Surefire when you auditioned like what a bit yeah that
00:30:33
kind of always on the fish hook yes with our listeners I had stuff I'll give you
00:30:39
one of his okay I forget the exact thing but it was it was a thing where you could act it out where you did an impression it ain't got acted out and it was an interesting idea really good Elvis yeah so I did like I
00:30:54
was um you know Elvis is what when I first before you know I was always in the Monty Python and by the time Saturday
00:31:00
Night Live came in it was over I was into it Cheech and Chong it was over with I was I was in this for life and
00:31:06
but the thing that for performing the guy that was I was turned on by most as a performer was Elvis Just because of
00:31:13
like such a stud you know the album a hundred million fans can't be wrong yeah he's like well that's true no that's like
00:31:26
High population of Western cultures of Western society and so well what and and then his performance and his you know his um you know everything he had this and you played tiny Elvis
00:31:38
so I would literally just sing Elvis songs and try to get his moves and stuff give me a little bit get on the mic oh hold me close make me a thrill with delight well let
00:31:53
me know where I stand from the stars I don't want you I need you I love you well and then he would do this oh my God you know so he was just like killer that
00:32:08
was a gem would lose their you know I mean and they go crazy they would go nuts they go crazy when you would say
00:32:14
you do it now or never I remember and I did that at high school and after and then it just murdered so hard that I was
00:32:21
like that was it can I say one thing right here you kind of around in here you look like Elvis you have a little
00:32:28
bit of an almost a little bit of something yeah in your mouth thank you it's a little something to kind of works
00:32:33
so when I put the fake sideburns on and then and I had the jumpsuit on even at 115 pounds my wrestling weight and they
00:32:39
called you tiny elbows and they get those tiny elves and it murdered because people it was a
00:32:44
really good performer the difference is a really good impression performed really well seriously yeah yeah that
00:32:51
commitment to it it's just like when like uh Napoleon Dynamite that danciness is really funny but he's really
00:32:56
committing to it and it's really good yeah so that's the combination of stuff and then it just naturally if you're
00:33:01
naturally funny then people are like laughing at it but when you went to Japan to do Elvis for a couple that was a complete but were you playing you were
00:33:08
playing a serious Elvis were you adding jokes I mean first of all yeah I get the phone call and that's the time I was
00:33:13
living in an apartment a month 200 a month basically what happens I was living in a place that and
00:33:19
it was just a hole in the wall but what happened was Milt Abel the comedian serum says I wrote his name down
00:33:24
I wrote down Milt able want to get some props to our and he's an awesome guy a really good comedian he had jokes remember to this day like you know what somebody tries to hand you a flyer and they go no you throw it away and it's
00:33:36
just that little good little one line I wish I would have thought of that and so I lived I moved into this place he said it's 200 a month blah blah blah the
00:33:43
first month I was in there the uh the 85 year old Russian landlord who owned the place he said nothing and then I had one one boy that's gonna be funny this is the old
00:33:55
guy who's who's owns the place and he lives there and it's a [ __ ] the whole place is like been painted once in
00:34:00
the 50s but I don't need it I just literally put a mattress in there just one mattress and then this is it I'm just gonna do stand up and write coffee
00:34:06
was right down the street uh from uh you know uh Fillmore his coffee shop this is
00:34:11
perfect so I paid the tea set only takes cash so 200 bucks perfect and then I remember like one of those I only had
00:34:17
one light and it was like a 30 foot ceiling because you know where those old places are subdivided subdivided subdivided and there used to be an old
00:34:23
giant Victorian in the day and then they turn it into like you know 13 apartments or whatever yeah and so uh the one bulb
00:34:31
that was at the ceiling the one light that I had I didn't even have a lamp it went out and I was like well I gotta
00:34:36
have that you know I had my one light I gotta have a light so I you know I don't know where to go and melts asleep but I
00:34:42
said well I just go I knock on the guy's door at the landlord and I go well you know the lights out
00:34:50
okay I'm I'm going to have to go down and get the get leather I got downstairs to get leather I call my bank hanger and then he came up you know I'm just dummy
00:35:02
because it's like I'm watching an eight and then I realized I'm watching an 85 year old man on a 20-foot ladder
00:35:08
climbing up to change the light bulb and I was like ah and I'm watching it and then I thought wow he's already up there
00:35:15
now he knows what he's doing I mean he spot him and he comes down and said I don't feel so good I don't feel good
00:35:22
I've never felt like this like really I don't know what to tell you you know he's a week later he's dead oh my God
00:35:29
died a week later and the thing was though that he had no living relatives in anything and so nobody was asking for
00:35:35
rent so all of a sudden I went for 200 a month to nothing to zero I had nothing so I was leaving a place for rent did you push him off your floor at all I think I may change I don't know but I
00:35:47
did realize like I should not have an 85 year old guy changing the bulb this weekend but anyway so okay the landlord
00:35:52
dies how does this lead to Japan yeah so what happened was I get a phone call uh from um another funny voice
00:36:01
a Filipino Community whether you're half Filipino or whatever right there's a small community of people and they try
00:36:06
to like you know because they know that the Filipinos they'll work hard and they'll show up because otherwise it'd be you'll be you've been great nurses
00:36:13
they'll beat the [ __ ] out of your your it's been beat into you you better work hard you better show up if you say this
00:36:18
you got to do this all right and so you can depend on Filipinos like the end of the day like if you do get a Filipino to
00:36:24
come over to your house while you're moving they'll move till they're oh yeah all day you know and if you have
00:36:29
somebody like they'll take your blood pressure so I get a call from him and he says uh Hey listen
00:36:36
um you do Elvis right and it's like he's calling me nine in the morning like four you do elves sing Elvis right he said
00:36:44
he's good he saw me do the Elvis in high school and so I said yeah yeah I said do you know the song I say I I you know I
00:36:50
know a couple like three so why why well we just lost our Elvis impersonator and
00:36:55
I said what do you mean you lost it well in Japan they were sending a band for a new club that's opening and he said can
00:37:01
you go to Japan to do Elvis I said listen I only know like three songs and I don't really it's not really serious you know and I don't I don't really
00:37:08
sound like so I called Bob Fisher and Bob says do it he'll tell he'll tell tell the story and Letterman one day and so and I call Mark and I realize
00:37:19
I don't even have a passport you know I've never like you know I think I left the country when I was a little like 13
00:37:24
with my parents it was one of those cheapy you know European tours where you go on a bus and and um
00:37:29
they take you to the worst worst hotels in in all of Europe so that was it so I had to get I don't have passport I can't can you use the dead Russian landlord's password
00:37:41
he said he said just go to the the this Japanese woman she's just go to Japan town and and she'll take care of the they can take care of the Japanese if they want to get something done they get it done you know they're the Irish they
00:37:54
conquered you know they they basically took all of Asia in in a month and um so they'll do this so uh I go over there and she looks at me and she's ah his name was Mark it was Alex I'm sorry Alex
00:38:06
howergy was his name she looked and he said she looked at me when I walked in she with a frighten her eyes and like oh
00:38:13
no I never trust Alex again because your other Elvis because I'm the short guy coming to be an Elvis you know but yeah and I said to her right there again my
00:38:23
stand-up experience after doing it for a couple of years yeah no no no I can do this I'd be all right I can do it and they had no old alternative they had
00:38:31
nobody in the movie and so yeah literally like a Friday and I gotta fly Sunday to do this for the next week and so the next thing I go I'll just do it'll be fun and I get on the plane and I start
00:38:43
going over these um songs songs and stuff and we're like I don't really know this Alex is like Hey listen just
00:38:50
where you're going kumamotos like the Alabama of Japan they don't speak English just do the same verse over and
00:38:56
over again they're not gonna know the difference so I said all right I'll just do that but then I realized now wow you can't just do that these are Elvis fans
00:39:03
even if they don't speak English yeah this has been way before any of that stuff for me so anyway on the way
00:39:09
over there I start getting a little bit nervous about it and I'm sure it'll be fine yeah with the big deal it's just Japan and like I'm never gonna come back
00:39:15
to this place I land there there's a bus that picks us up a bus with posters all
00:39:20
over the bus that says Elvis new Kennedy house anything Japanese you know like and he thinks that Japanese loved any
00:39:26
American words like Kennedy Elvis you know Nixon whatever they had Nixon Elvis so then we I then I I we get on the bus and they drive us straight to go see the
00:39:40
the Kazu guy which is like a mobster guy and he he looks at me too Kazu or whatever says in Japanese he's the guy in charge whatever he's like the
00:39:51
the guy and so he looks at me says you're saying now you're saying now you Elvis and he looked at me now he's got a funny voice too yes he's
00:40:03
got Hitman around him and everything he just looked like a dangerous little guy sing right there he took us out to eat acapella and he made me sing no they made me like go to the place and I said
00:40:15
I'm gonna have some time literally after we ate he took me to the club and I said okay I got some time because the club's
00:40:20
not done it's just it's like the walls aren't there or the floors you know huh did you have one go-to of a
00:40:27
song that you did in your act you know like now we're never used to do yes um uh it's like a hound dog or blue
00:40:34
suede shoes but the um so anyway go to the place it's not done I said I'm gonna have time to learn these songs because
00:40:39
the floor is not in there's no way it's gonna open tonight but the thing is in Japan if you're not done they make you
00:40:45
pay if you're a construction whatever they make you pay for every hour you're late
00:40:51
so they did finish it that night and then the problem was it was three shows that night [ __ ] off four on weekends
00:40:58
after the first show the first night I blow my voice on I said I can't do this I go running into the sushi place which
00:41:04
is every every restaurant there and just start just just shoving down just go to
00:41:09
7-Eleven Ginger and ginger and just I I get through the second show and I and then the third show I don't know how I
00:41:15
survived it I never gotta do it again like this the next day and I don't know how I'm gonna do it again did you kill
00:41:20
and it was good it was okay you know there was enough people on the weekend there's a band or karaoke we had like
00:41:26
they flew me over with a band a little bands playing but anyway but like and I said well you got to figure it out and
00:41:31
then but it was and sure enough I did uh do the um I did my first Letterman appearance was I did I did um he said so you were Elvis in Japan what was that
00:41:44
like he did ask me a question I didn't have a really good uh it's still funny because you did Elvis on a fish hook on your
00:41:50
first set right yeah that was going full circle so that that Elvis was really and then Elvis on a fish hook was just one
00:41:56
of those quick hit but yeah I could do a really good Elvis so that would that could help oh wow hey I know what it was
00:42:01
like I personally I don't know maybe I said now I would just introduce just you know like a at that time if you did odd
00:42:08
stuff unconnected it was kind of interesting that was like a style at that time it's okay now uh I'd like to
00:42:13
do my impression of Elvis on a fish hook and on a fish hook and I go ah Sony red
00:42:19
I don't know I'll maybe come back here one of these days [Music] his list curls up and he tilts his head and lifts up like yeah you gotta laugh but that was the thing that like when I
00:42:31
did that at that set that we did and you know auditioning for SNL probably yeah and it was just one of those things like
00:42:36
you got a big laugh was interesting and Lauren said later and you know when I um
00:42:41
if I see something brilliant um I know that there's of the potential um to repeat it and I said am I hired and I guess that was the way I just did
00:42:53
Elvis on a fish hook will be like like a runner I don't know if it's a talk show you talk to Jim Downey well you also
00:42:59
used to do reading from Elvis actually your act was very unique when you say you just said a little bit ago
00:43:05
you go I should try not to have the material like everyone else that wasn't my motto but you did because you
00:43:12
actually did that you also did also reading from the first time I met Elvis Elvis and Me with Priscilla was funny an impression if you're not good at it just doing something that's completely not good it also works who
00:43:26
was that that was Priscilla oh okay I got you yeah I've read the book Priscilla Priscilla Presley wrote it and
00:43:32
then you just tell this in me yeah and I swear to God when I was reading it I started reading it out loud to people and they were just houses
00:43:38
for Priscilla it was uh I would just talk like this which is kind of like a version of Mike my mother yeah my mother
00:43:44
also she would never she didn't understand yeah which is like the mountains of the
00:43:50
Philippines uh she wouldn't understand jokes but she would understand how to laugh at the right time she'll go your
00:43:55
mom very much what does it mean what does it mean I don't understand you know when he said he goes when you were uh
00:44:01
one of your jokes was um I'll mangle it when you were a little kid when you're eight years old you banged your head on
00:44:06
the coffee table and your mom would make you feel good and she'd go hit it and she goes bad coffee table bad and she
00:44:12
goes and you'd feel better and she goes we make it even bad coffee table and hit it and then you go to bed and your dad
00:44:18
wakes you up at two in the morning goes hey Rob get on down here your mom spilled hot wax in the coffee table we
00:44:23
gotta make it even you know our policy oh yeah so then you have that hot water yeah yeah that was the idea yeah they got to make it even but I remember like if you if I did that you know when you
00:44:35
do a character it's like you can do your jokes and get it but when you do a character it's just enough also in the middle of the joke yes and also you
00:44:43
um you had a musicality too you had a rhythmic music in the early days and we're hearing it now which is also I
00:44:50
like the whole is greater than some of the parts of musical rhythms I didn't copy what was how did you hit that it
00:44:57
was just so infectious you know like this there's a musicality it's a song [Music]
00:45:10
how did you now let's get to that part we Rob and I fast forward we get we get hired on SNL We auditioned a catch
00:45:16
Rising Star I think well the first one we did at the Melrose okay and then like this Mary's car was like at that time I
00:45:22
kind of had like a little bit of a [ __ ] you attitude in a good way because you have to because you get otherwise you get beaten down and I said you know what
00:45:29
I and I said and then I got the call from Bernie um Lauren he managed to put extra
00:45:36
syllables in that one [Laughter] did a funny thing where he's just like well it was just you know you take it so exaggerated and Robert was like
00:45:53
um let me eat your foot I don't know how it got there but yeah his his burning pressure oh I want to eat your foot
00:46:05
that's the thing he told me the first day no one [ __ ] knows anything in this business and later on Brad Grace said I don't know why is he saying that because it's like you know give me 15
00:46:16
yeah I don't know [ __ ] nothing give me a check so he so the next day he said no one
00:46:26
wants to meet you and I said well I get a gig in San Diego and I said he knows um a middling I get a gig and saying there you go and he said he'll he'll
00:46:37
know uh what it's if you have a job he'll respect it and uh you know and he said if he wants to meet me fly me to
00:46:43
New York you know and that was very and I just said that in the morning as I'm driving down to San Diego I have the
00:46:50
cold sweats and I literally like I just [ __ ] up everything yeah and I really had and but at the back of my mind it was the right thing and the only person he flew out of all those people audition was me to New York you flew over me
00:47:02
while I was driving David was you know yeah he was getting ready to move furniture because he had to go back and
00:47:08
forth us as a writing team I remember you guys coming in like freaking yeah it was a weird scene Bernie said the
00:47:14
writing theme you got the higher than both I was not aware that I didn't want to first of all I didn't want to be a
00:47:19
writer I wanted to write but be a performer and that was hard that's what I was saying about copy machine we did those four shows even Dennis said
00:47:26
spudley you don't get anything on I think it's curtains I'm like and it was only [ __ ] four shows
00:47:33
I did get a Michael J Fox on on the Dice Clay show and Kenny among who I love says David I forgot to put you at the beginning I go what does that mean it is I didn't put your card up where it says
00:47:43
free drink to every spray and I go it wasn't there and he goes yeah so no one knew who you were and I go God damn I
00:47:50
won a shot it's a tradition on the podcast just 10 seconds of Michael J fox casual please search actually
00:47:56
no you're down to one syllable um he's seen it too many times so I do Michael J fox and then uh sorry
00:48:04
listeners and then Rob and I get hired back they always wait a while it was a little touch and going because we didn't get anything on but I remember like I would do anything like they said like right
00:48:15
um promise promos which is like I said why are they letting me write promos I've never written a pro in my life so
00:48:21
this is awesome you realize no one wants to write the promos yeah and so I went and they said you know and Lauren was I
00:48:27
mean I was just blown away by the fact that Lauren would even talk to me and then he said like and then you know
00:48:33
um you know just um and you have to write it you'll write promos and then um so then and so I went in Deborah Winger was the the number one remember and I
00:48:45
went in and Jack Handy wrote a great sketch with her even though she was very fragile I walk into their dressing room
00:48:51
she's there sitting with them on the floor and she's literally crying going I can't
00:48:57
believe you talked me into doing this I just I I'm not good I can't I and I was like whoa is this like this every week yes wow I would have gone into Travolta you know for her like from what that
00:49:10
western or was that Urban Cowboy go ahead you know like I kind of think I might be falling in love with you or
00:49:15
something like that so that was a day above Dana Tuesday he he would hit the you know in his stand-up too he's like the turns he would make by the time he would be like
00:49:27
like a a a Nascar or a racer you know a driver and all of a sudden and by the end of his routine because he would do the stuff but then he would Pummel the audience it was like
00:49:38
and by the end he would go from one impression another impression and the impressions are talking to each other and the audience can't breathe it was
00:49:44
like it was literally like a meditative thing for that I said holy [ __ ] that's very nice Robin but that is the
00:49:52
influence with me everyone make an edit now just no just anything about Dana we're going to take out Rob when we were
00:49:59
I think those four shows I just got to use the restroom real quick am I just sorry I said can I use your purple yeah yeah just once yeah go through the back
00:50:05
room Dana you started standing oh Rob's gonna go away we don't have to stop it we can just
00:50:11
wait right oh we keep going he's so weird in the restroom I know that's really smart talk
00:50:18
about Deuce Bigalow what does that mean like he's taking a two like he's gonna unload chamber from right here too do you know that
00:50:29
that you don't have to go in the back bedroom where did you go I went to the very back
00:50:36
you're not going again [Music] you can watch yourself Audio Only podcasts no it's right by the grocery store if you go through this
00:50:49
hall there's a little mini Ralphs it's a pop-up you go through that sorry sorry hey
00:50:55
Sarge I got it it's Casey casing I gotta do it hey Sergeant I have to get a new one we don't have that many Runners that's just a great that's a great Runner you got one part of it you know what uh Nikki Glaser said about your set
00:51:09
the other night that you you should do more that Bill Gates fit and um on the island yeah and do more Clinton
00:51:15
oh you see those pictures I cut I I got them failing because I didn't I was just doing Concepts I was bailing because a
00:51:22
lot you know but they like they were so excited I did keep some of those pictures to
00:51:29
send you you didn't stand Innovation but to me that's not good enough no it's because I did chopped broccoli
00:51:35
on the piano where I wrote chocolate broccoli you did a standing ovation but they found out that guy worked there
00:51:42
you came up and I knew on the way out all here was roaring well they what happened was the other night if we're
00:51:48
still refreshing is that Dana came down to do the Improv the other night and uh he's doing hosting a show coming up so
00:51:55
he's playing stand up in three years in a club three years in a club they we put him as a special guest and then uh I
00:52:03
went after him but went up great read some stuff off a notepad everyone was enchanted
00:52:08
funny premises big laughs closes hard and then I went up but everyone was like damn it well that's good if she liked that I like the premise of Bill Gates on you know Epstein's Island being awkward
00:52:21
yeah hey what are you doing here I'm just like putting on sunscreen we're gonna go buy the pulley one though
00:52:26
hey guys Rob is still in the bathroom and um I know that's exciting news but uh let's roll that video tape part two uh well he's in the bathroom doing part
00:52:37
one if you know it's part two we'll let you know but right now I'm here to say that on Friday part two of Rob
00:52:45
Schneider's epic appearance on fly on the wall after the battle let's look at a clip yeah [Music]
00:52:52
this has been a podcast presentation of cadence 13. please listen then rate review and follow all episodes available
00:52:59
now for free wherever you get your podcast no joke folks fly on the wall has been a presentation of cadence 13. executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade Chris
00:53:10
Corcoran of cadence 13 and Charlie finan of brillstein entertainment the show's lead producers Greg Holtzman with
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production and Engineering support from Serena Regan and Chris Basil of cadence 13.