00:00:00
Rob Reiner's son. >> Terrible topic. >> A terrible already. >> If you can land this, I'm going to send
00:00:06
you $100. >> Don't worry. It was a total wipe out. >> Well, first of all, you're in a deficit.
00:00:11
But go ahead, >> Taylor Swift. Where are they going? You know what I mean? She's not walking
00:00:14
around going taxi. >> That'd be funny. Taylor Swift. Taxi. [music] Hey guys, quit screaming. Taxi.
00:00:21
I I want a taxi. Did I sound like Taylor Swift at all? >> Sort of. >> Sort of. I went to school with you. And
00:00:29
I go, "Oh, cool. Cool. Where'd you go to swro?" She goes, "Yeah." And she goes, "The other girl, he looks young. He is
00:00:35
not young at all." And I go, "Oh." Didn't know how to react. She goes, "But you do look young." So she [music]
00:00:42
sucked me in again. She goes, "But he's a lot older than you think." And I go, "Get [ __ ] How about just ring it up
00:00:48
enough?" >> Google. We're releasing male mosquitoes [music] to reduce the population.
00:00:54
Hundreds of thousands of them. We're Google. You know, make a make >> tired of pregnant mosquitoes.
00:01:02
>> Introducing uh >> We cut their mosquito nuts off. >> Yeah, good luck making a batch of
00:01:12
mosquito kids. Those days are over. We got you neutered, mosques. >> Ready? One, two, three. Welcome to the
00:01:21
show. Uh Dan Blie. I've got >> David Spoodler are here in for Dana Dana Spade. And
00:01:31
>> questions about my hair. I'll take first. I just did this thing. Heather said, "If your hair is ever super greasy
00:01:37
and you haven't washed it in four days, spray dry shampoo." So, right. So, I do it. But look it. Look, it's gray. See
00:01:45
that? I kind of like it. See that streak in there? Oh, I Oh, I've been watching I've been watching
00:01:52
>> No chance. Not me. I just do it. [laughter] I just spray it and I ran down here. Uh,
00:01:59
>> Dane and I spend We only spend, no joke, probably an hour and a half getting ready for this show.
00:02:05
>> It's amazing. I guess the listeners could know that after this particular podcast, I'm going to get in the car and
00:02:12
drive for six hours on interstates. >> I know you're a stud for doing this. Well, yeah. But it is sort of an
00:02:19
interesting one cuz >> you know, I don't know about you. I don't know what your packing situation
00:02:26
is, but I'm dysfunctional. I really, if I have a car, this is a drive. If it's a
00:02:32
if it's a, you know, a luggage flight, >> and I start putting [ __ ] in there that's
00:02:37
like one in a million I'm ever going to need it. Like, what if I want a a second
00:02:41
sport coat? Am I going to wear it for the gig we're doing? What do I want >> parachuting? What if I need a second
00:02:47
long sleeve? You know what? Should I hike with these shoes? And these shoes could be good on stage, but also these
00:02:53
because I have a car where I can throw the seat down. So, I have stuff I could survive for six months with what I've
00:02:59
packed for one one gig basically cuz >> Is it for our gig? >> Yeah. But then I'm I'm around town. I'm
00:03:07
I'm doing seeing a doctor just for a checkup. >> Um and I'm going to be visiting my
00:03:13
mother-in-law. You know, you just you just go, "Well, I'll throw it in. I'll just have I'll just throw it in."
00:03:18
>> What if what if I need my uh snake bite socks where the snakes don't bite me when I hike?
00:03:23
>> And what if what if I need a backup toothbrush? I mean, what if that toothbrush
00:03:30
>> disappears? So, it's a very crazy thing I have going on. But you're pretty you're pretty together, I think, if I
00:03:37
had to. >> Yeah, >> I'm pretty streamlined at packing now, but you got to have some backups. Uh, I
00:03:43
will tell you, I went to the improv last night and we're going to break this down
00:03:45
of why this didn't work. >> I love doing this. I'll tell you inside baseball for the audience.
00:03:51
>> It is so much fun to work on someone else's bit and it's horrifying to work on your own bit. [laughter] It's very
00:03:59
frustrating. So, what was you go to the improv? Here's your joke. Didn't work. Let's hear it.
00:04:04
>> Okay. So I go to the improv and on the way I hear on the news [laughter] this and by the way the first problem
00:04:12
touchy subject so we're already at a deficit >> right depends on the >> second problem undercooked right and the
00:04:19
crowd sometimes likes this >> but you're thinking of it by hearing it on the radio going right to the so
00:04:24
you're just doing it spontaneous >> I'm one minute away from the apartment and I go okay got it
00:04:29
>> and I say I should say something about this so it's not quite formulated and that is the architect ure is so
00:04:35
important. It seems like nothing but how you set it up, how you pay it off, do they have all the information, the
00:04:41
minimal amount, but all the information so they will understand what you say next.
00:04:46
>> That's exactly right. >> And it was not really any of that. So I said, "Hey guys."
00:04:50
>> Okay. Hey guys is good. Hey guys [laughter] already. >> They're your friend. >> It was too up early because I tried to
00:04:57
remember. I'm like, I got to say something. So I do one or two settle in bits >> and they're pretty good crowd. Melissa
00:05:04
Villa Seenor was before me who you like. She's very good. >> Great great talent. Super nice.
00:05:09
>> Talented. Very nice. [clears throat] >> And she has a little bit of this touch
00:05:14
streak, too. >> Uh she she gets off and does great job. And then I go, "Oh, blah blah." And and
00:05:22
then I say, "Oh, so I just heard that Nick Reiner." Do you know who Nick Reiner is?
00:05:27
>> Do I? >> Silence. >> Oh, no. You did the audience and it goes silence >> kind of because then I hear some guy go,
00:05:33
"Yeah." And I go, "Rob Reiner's son." >> Terrible topic. >> A terrible already. >> If you can land this, I'm going to send
00:05:40
you $100. >> Don't worry. It was a total wipeout. >> Well, first of all, you're in a deficit,
00:05:45
but go ahead. >> I told you I don't know. And then I'm realizing this is so morbid already. And
00:05:51
I go, "Well, there was a situation." I said, "Anyway, [clears throat] the news was today that Rob Reiner's son, Nick,
00:05:58
who is in jail, is suing the estate of Rob Reiner because he's not getting his millions of
00:06:05
dollars in the will." And I'm like, "What a bummer. The one guy that could give you the money [laughter] and yet
00:06:12
kill him." >> Uh, okay. And what was the response? >> This nothing. >> Just Just
00:06:19
>> Heather fell asleep. You're thinking of what how I could fix it. I don't know if
00:06:23
it's fixable. >> Well, yeah. And it's also it's pretty preunctery as a turn, you know.
00:06:33
>> Oh, what does that mean? >> Well, it's not exotic. There's not a bunch of surprise to it. He's going
00:06:38
after his money. And is it an ironic he killed the one guy who could have wrote him the check?
00:06:45
>> Yeah. Um >> I mean, it could have been in that Alanas Moriceette song if it was today.
00:06:50
you >> that the guy you kill as the one guy because now he's suing him because he
00:06:55
wants that money. His argument is I need that money for legal team so I can get out of jail for killing you.
00:07:04
>> You might I maybe the only way to make it lighter is to put it on you. Like I I
00:07:08
totally relate. You know, once this kid wouldn't give me his lunch money and you
00:07:13
know I've smashed him in the face with a a a tennis ball. [snorts] Um, some other
00:07:20
tricks are, yeah, take it away from that. There's one where my mom gets bruising easily in my act, but it
00:07:27
worked only when I switched it and said, I'm worried about her, but she thinks it's funny now. It's lighter,
00:07:34
>> of course. >> And so she laughs when she bruises. And she goes, I go, "What happened to your
00:07:38
hip?" She goes, "Oh, I must have run into a table." I go, "Mom, you have a bruise from your ankle to your ribs."
00:07:43
She's like, "I know. I don't know what happened." I go, "I think you got hit by a missile."
00:07:47
Yeah, all that's fine as long as she's safe and okay. >> She thinks it's funny >> because we all get I got a hematoma just
00:07:53
from getting a blood test, >> but it doesn't hurt at all. Look at that. >> Well, whoop, excuse me. Not only tigers
00:08:00
get out of cages, but um but I'm going to say this because I'll be the the coach at the improv. That topic is too
00:08:10
difficult right now. >> And especially for LA, they all some people knew him. Some people it's such a
00:08:16
>> Well, is there any problem? >> It's in the hall of fame of tragedy. Like the darkest what? So,
00:08:23
>> and I knew him and they're like, "Why are you He was in your movie." I'm like,
00:08:26
"I know. I'm just >> I know Rob Runner directed um Spinal Tap and he and I was in that with him."
00:08:33
>> Oh, you were in that? >> Here's another one that'll remind you of uh here's a sports story before we get
00:08:40
to the big sports story, but Jacobe Brassette, this is just a local bit for me. Okay.
00:08:45
>> That that I am following the Cardinals, Arizona Cardinals. I'm one of the few to
00:08:49
follow what's going on. >> So, they're having a transition year rebuilding, >> right?
00:08:56
>> And they got a new quarterback, but Jacobe Brassette was the backup for Kyler.
00:09:01
>> Everyone's already tuned out. >> Kyler Murray. >> Kyler Murray. >> He went to Minnesota.
00:09:08
>> You don't need to know what this >> I'm mesmerized. Go ahead. >> Arbit. Thank you. [laughter] So
00:09:13
Heather's >> Heather, does Heather have a pillow if she wants [laughter] to >> She does. She's on the couch. So uh So
00:09:21
Jacobe Brassette is the backup and he's holding out, you know, at camp because they're negotiating, but he's supposed
00:09:29
to only get 4 million or something this year. And I'm like, that is low for a starting QB. And uh and then I'm like,
00:09:37
what if the negotiators and he's not getting anywhere, so he's just showing up at camp now. finally he doesn't have
00:09:42
a deal. And I go, I feel like maybe the negotiators are accidentally negotiating
00:09:47
with Iran and and Trump is calling the Cardinals and now that's why everything's a mess. [laughter]
00:09:53
That's not for my act. That's just for you. >> We're going to deal with Iran Iran.
00:09:58
We're going to do a lot of stuff. >> I'll do this at the [laughter] gate. I've turned Trump into sort of a
00:10:05
character from Lord of the Rings now to amuse myself. You know, they >> they call it the precious. They call it
00:10:11
the precious. >> It's a great little ring. You got to get the ring. You know, I mean, I'm not I'm
00:10:17
just tired of trying to sound like Trump, so I've made him into >> like he's almost like Gollum, you know,
00:10:22
the precious. You got to get the Oh [ __ ] I pull a muscle doing Trump. No, I'm fine.
00:10:28
>> Gollum was so famous in Lord of the Rings and I haven't seen him in one other movie since. Nothing. Uh, he
00:10:35
doesn't Well, news flash, I know you don't read a lot, but >> Gollum doesn't look like that. It's a
00:10:41
CGI character, and the guy who voiced it is worked a lot. >> Who? Andy, I live in a
00:10:47
>> circus. [laughter] Circus. >> Andy, I travel with the circus. >> So, >> all right. Now, we get to your precious
00:10:56
Nicks. >> Um, look, I had to check myself. I had to check myself which means you
00:11:05
know cognitive behavioral because you get attached to a team and you just kind of pick a team. My team the Golden State
00:11:11
Warriors were were out. So I became a fan of the Spurs just because they're they're average. They're right out of
00:11:17
high school basically. They shouldn't be doing what they're doing. Total underdogs and they've got the Wembley
00:11:22
who's called the alien. So they're up like this, but [laughter] >> now we're doing this, of course, the
00:11:34
finals are probably over. We just saw the biggest game of the year last night, which unless the last game beats it,
00:11:42
that last second tip in. >> I'll go out on a limb and say the Spurs in seven and when this airs, we'll we
00:11:50
may know. And then I'll eat Crow. How where did that come from? Why do you have to eat crow? Cuz I don't even like
00:11:56
bird food. >> In the old days when people would lose basketball games, they'd have to pick up
00:12:01
a crow and eat it. >> Oh, >> is that it? I mean, I'm not I'm not a good chat GPT.
00:12:07
>> Yeah. So, I don't like to But I realize for anybody, and this is an evergreen
00:12:12
take, Greg, [laughter] [gasps] you know, it's the fun of getting attached and caring, but we know it's
00:12:22
all pretend. They're not, you know, solving the Iran war. It's just athletes trying to do something. And it's fun to
00:12:29
care, but don't be personally wounded or sad. Find a place like, well, that happened. Move on. But it's really just
00:12:38
something to do. Like when I was at a sports bar last night and it was packed, packed some trashy bar, which I love,
00:12:45
and the kitchen was broke. They go, "We only got hot dogs." And we're like, "That's fine." So me, Tommy, Bobby are
00:12:51
in there and then it gets so packed and then everyone's going [ __ ] house, but I
00:12:56
still have to go do a set at the end. So I'm like, I'll watch this until it gets
00:13:00
good. Then I have to leave. So then the guy sees me and he comes and goes, Nick Spurs. Like he wants to kill me. I'm
00:13:09
like, I don't know. [ __ ] Pratt Bass. What are you talking about, dude? Which one am I for? Is that your question?
00:13:15
>> What did he say? It just sounded like a caveman. What? What was he? >> He just said, "Nicks are Spurs." And he
00:13:21
wants me to answer wrong so he can beat the [ __ ] out of me. I'm like, he just turned to me and I'm standing there and
00:13:27
he [ __ ] like almost chest bumped me. And I'm like, >> why do you want to beat me? I don't
00:13:31
know. Whatever you want. I don't I want to live. I don't give a [ __ ] >> Why would Rob Schneider do that? First
00:13:36
of all, >> why would Rob Schneider [laughter] >> because he's practicing for grown-ups.
00:13:43
>> Why? It's the LA team Knicks or Spurs. They're What happened to their Lakers? I
00:13:47
mean, they're such traitors out of >> Nobody gives a fat [ __ ] anymore about the Lakers. They're like, "We're moving
00:13:51
on to whoever's got heat." I want to join the Knicks bandwagon. It might be too late, but I'll do it if they win at
00:13:57
all. >> But I'll tell you, let me tell you this right now. I like that one. >> Um,
00:14:02
>> live sports and the the digital streaming, not live streaming, streaming age, everything's goes into the massive
00:14:10
library. See it anytime. live sports makes so much more money and the audience TV quote TV streaming on is so
00:14:19
huge compared to everything else. We used to have all the families number one, Jerry Seinfeld at the top. Now it's
00:14:26
the Ners versus Cleveland, you know. So, it's a that's the reason we watch it. We
00:14:31
don't get any of that totally live. It's not fixed. No one's seen it. You don't know what's going to happen. So, I think
00:14:38
um the season's been really good. I've There's been some amazing games. And if you're a Knicks fan um right now, I
00:14:46
guess you've won the championship or not. We're recording this >> actually. We we're recording this in 20
00:14:54
>> 20 22 >> 6 weeks out. [laughter] >> That's why I want to talk about it in the macro. Do you know what that means?
00:15:01
>> Well, the macro >> it means we're just an overarching look at sports and finals
00:15:07
>> and it's huge and and this is is this fairly new when you're watching an NBA game or another game that draft kings,
00:15:13
draft kings, you can bet here, bet there, bet there, bet. So that's also the biggest thing in the world, right?
00:15:20
>> My degenerate buddy uh gambler said, "Hey, at the half, did you see what the odds were that the Knicks would come
00:15:28
back? And at the quarter, did you see the overunder of the point spread?" I go, "Dude, I'm not a degenerate gambler.
00:15:35
Sorry. I'm actually just watching the game." And I get it. But are you really when you're at the half and you're like
00:15:40
playing it live, they want you to bet on everything, not just the game, win or lose. They need you [ __ ] all the way
00:15:48
through. All the way through. >> And then all the predictive markets and all those things. So, uh, and on what
00:15:54
stars will be there, you can bet on that on those other markets. So, speaking of
00:15:58
Celebrity Row, they really packed it last night. It was I think my biggest shocker. Did you see that Taylor Swift
00:16:04
was with PTA? Heather, was he? I think because it was with the H girls, >> there was some little club they made up
00:16:14
and they said some little p. >> Oh, I saw it. They put >> Stevie Nicks. >> They spelled the Knicks the way the
00:16:20
Knicks do with the K and they put Stevie Nicks and then there was two other ones
00:16:25
the H girls had. Um, one was Nicole Kidman with Nicks. >> So, there was three of them. The other
00:16:34
one was good, too. Anyway, >> you know, it's kind of interesting. And you know, you see people sitting on the
00:16:37
wood and going crazy and then the the 10-year-old boy inside you or girl is like kind of like what? They get to be
00:16:45
billionaires now that their team wins and they're just all happy. They're all too exuberant like calm down. You got
00:16:53
the billion. Okay, let's just see. >> I did see when they went to a commercial and they show like I think it was Rock
00:17:00
Chris Rock in front. He's like this slow motion. Mm- They don't got it tonight. But it
00:17:09
was all slow motion of people being sad like this. >> I know. Yeah. And then later on, but I
00:17:16
will predict and I will eat Crow. I predict I predict that >> Spurs and Seven. >> Spurs and seven. I just have a feeling
00:17:22
about it. Yeah. >> Mark down. Uh, also >> how did everybody get out of there when
00:17:28
>> Oh, yeah. This is a good question. Two questions. First of all, Sandler was there with Jackie
00:17:35
>> and uh I can't remember everybody that was there. There was a few surprises, but afterwards when there's such
00:17:42
beatings out front, if you if you're on my Instagram, >> my Algo, it's literally take your Spurs
00:17:50
jersey off, they rip it off, beat the people up, bloody noses, [ __ ] everywhere. Everyone
00:17:55
>> Well, you come out and there's like 50 horses lined up. 50 horses with cops on
00:18:00
top just as an intimidation thing when you first come out, >> right? Like, please don't start [ __ ]
00:18:05
And there was a guy trying to save them from tearing down a light pole and they beat
00:18:10
him up. Like, it's just it's just a free card to say go crazy and so they take him up on it, especially last night
00:18:18
because it was such a flip around. And then Heather's saying, "Do you leave out of Madison Square Garden and go right
00:18:26
into that riot?" A mob of craziness. >> Secret. >> And if you're Sandler Secret,
00:18:32
Secret Tunnel, >> I think you go underneath SUV, pop out the back. >> Yeah. >> No one's the wiser. And get the [ __ ]
00:18:39
out. >> Get the [ __ ] out. Yeah. They're not going to play. >> Taylor Swift. Where are they going? You
00:18:42
know what I mean? She's not walking around going taxi. [laughter] >> That'd be funny. Taylor Swift. Taxi. Hey
00:18:48
guys, quit screaming. Taxi. I I want a taxi. Did I sound like Taylor Swift at all?
00:18:54
>> Sort of. >> Sort of. [laughter] Oh, no you don't. No you don't. Give me that. That's how you sounded exactly.
00:19:07
God dang it. Where's mine? Oh, [ __ ] yeah. [screaming] >> Is that for me or for the Knicks? Here's
00:19:17
>> that's when you if you when you This is the audience when you did that weird joke.
00:19:25
>> Worse than that. [laughter] Here's you when you grab your wiener. >> How did you know? [laughter]
00:19:33
>> Don't say that to Dana. >> How did you know? >> Here's my act. >> This is This is what it's like for me
00:19:40
when I do this [laughter] podcast with you with my for my brain. Was that a record scratch?
00:19:46
>> I don't know. [laughter] >> Here's Dana. When I'm allergic to bad jokes, here's what happens. Here's what
00:19:54
I do. >> That was a bad setup. >> Here's an impression of you when a joke doesn't work at the improv.
00:20:04
>> It's pretty me [laughter] when when I see you eating alone. >> Why you No has friends.
00:20:11
>> Yours are actually good. Mine are >> That one's a good one. [screaming] This is you when you get out [cheering]
00:20:17
of the shower and you look in the mirror. >> Here's Dana when Gervitz calls about a
00:20:24
road gig. [laughter] >> Yours are too Yours are too logical. I don't even know what these buttons are
00:20:32
going to say. >> Here's you taking a left turn on Lassienga. >> Jesus. >> Here's you taking a right turn.
00:20:43
That's Heather during everything we've talked about. >> All right. You know about fire energy.
00:20:51
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00:22:03
online at 5hour energy.com or Amazon. Someone told me uh came up to me randomly the other day on the street and
00:22:12
just said this. At first I didn't understand. He goes, "Heather in the microphone." What? Heather needs a
00:22:20
microphone. >> Yeah, I know. That was Heather. Um now people ask me what >> why do we keep her?
00:22:28
>> Why? Yeah, >> it's sort of I think it's sort of the fun mystery of the show like she can
00:22:33
always walk over here and get on, >> but it's sort of funny to go who's Heather, where's Heather? And then she
00:22:39
asks questions and she laughs a lot. We can hear that. >> She's the whole audience for the whole
00:22:44
show. >> How many feet is Heather away from you? >> These are good questions. Um, I would
00:22:51
say [laughter] 11. [gasps] >> 11 feet. >> And that laugh travels. We can't have her any closer.
00:22:59
>> I know. I have to land a banger to hear her. >> You get a You get like a metronome.
00:23:05
>> No, she laughs at literally everything you say, which is disgusting. >> Mhm. She's not paid to laugh at me. Hey,
00:23:11
David, what you're just saying right now. >> It's so loud. If people go in the comments, those
00:23:18
>> Is it really that loud? Could it be? It can't be as louder than my voice. >> That's a fog horn.
00:23:26
>> Okay, wait. I have to ask something else. >> Oh. Oh, here's what this lady said to me
00:23:32
at the gift shop in Arizona. [laughter] >> Okay, that's a great setup. >> So, I go in there and she goes, "Hey,
00:23:40
[laughter] she's with another lady." And she goes, "I went to school with you." And I go, "Oh, cool. Cool. Where'd you
00:23:45
go to swro?" She goes, "Yeah." And she goes, "The other girl, he looks young. He is not young at all." And I go, "Oh."
00:23:53
Didn't know how to react. She goes, "But you do look young." So, she sucked me in
00:23:56
again. She goes, "But he's a lot older than you think." And I go, "Get [ __ ] How about just ring it up enough?"
00:24:04
But then she goes, "I graduated this year. When did you?" And I go, "Oh, before that." She goes, "Oh, you're
00:24:08
older than I thought." And I already thought you were old. God damn. >> She kept
00:24:13
>> She kept burying herself. And I go, "I'll take my things." And that's enough. Good day, sir.
00:24:22
Um, yes, that's was a bit I used to do. It was like uh what you suggest is nothing
00:24:28
sort of ma nothing short of madness. >> Good day to you, sir. I had >> I said good day.
00:24:35
>> I said good day. >> Oh, dude. Go ahead. >> I had a woman come up to me and go, "You
00:24:41
don't look like you did 40 years ago." [laughter] I go, "You don't either." >> No [ __ ]
00:24:47
>> No [ __ ] Sherlock. >> You know, people what they do is this. It's like we have to be on these screens
00:24:52
and stuff so that we're >> we get scrutiny, you know, but if people go to their bathroom mirror and put
00:24:58
their chin up loaded with light, just a straightforward shot going with a turtleneck going, "Why is everybody
00:25:04
getting old? Look at me." >> Yeah. >> Drives me nuts. >> Drives me nuts. I walk I drive in my car
00:25:11
with a ring light, which is hard to drive in case anyone sees me. [laughter] >> But I do use that. But I did say to her,
00:25:18
"What you what you suggest is nothing short of madness." Good day to you, madam.
00:25:24
>> I just saw a funny clip of Love it. Oh, I should have it. I don't have it. >> Oh, love it was on a flight and you know
00:25:30
how you a flight and they go, "Can you get up and do the announcements? Can you say bye-bye to everyone?" So, he gets up
00:25:35
and does stuff on Southwest. He's blabbing away. >> Hilarious. Yeah. So funny because that's
00:25:44
that's that's what people want you to do. get up and say something funny. >> I've done it not that often, but I've
00:25:50
done it. >> Hello, >> John. >> Ladies and gentlemen, I am your I am Please round applause for me. I'm the
00:25:58
oldest flight attendant in history. This is my 1 millionth flight. [laughter] John could get gigs just doing that
00:26:07
announcement for different airlines. You know, >> he's on the road sometimes with Dice
00:26:11
Clay. It's pretty funny. They go out together then they film themselves in the airports and stuff and they're
00:26:16
always arguing. It's funny. >> I like everything I'm hearing. >> You like what you hear?
00:26:21
>> That's a perfect match. >> We just got through the voting situation. We have a new mayoral
00:26:29
>> runoff in a new bass and the woman's name is >> Mythia Ramen Ramadam Lupa >> as they call her in the post. Nthia Top
00:26:41
Ramen as they call her in sports. >> So she she conceded on election night and I think was very emotional
00:26:48
and then they said >> she was in third on election night. >> Yeah. But wait, there's more.
00:26:52
>> Oh, wait. >> And then 17 million ballots flooded in. [laughter] >> I don't know.
00:26:58
>> I know. I I have to say they they they should take this voting a little more seriously here because we are the
00:27:04
slowest and most I'm not saying there's any tampering with the voting but there's every opportunity to to
00:27:11
>> if you were tampering you'd you'd want this system you know where you can go to
00:27:16
doors and like what do you want dude here's a ballot I'll come back in a couple days you know and then you
00:27:22
harvest it whatever party you're from so they should fix it so no one has suspicions make the security at the
00:27:29
ballot boxes. That's illegal. You can't like have someone there or watch or they
00:27:33
stuffing the is anyone taking it out, lighting it on fire. >> Yeah. My brother went to vote up in uh
00:27:39
Northern California and he show showed his ID and they said, "Get that [ __ ] ID out of my face. They were like angry
00:27:47
that he wanted to show ID." >> Well, I don't think you're even supposed to show your ID. They show gym
00:27:51
memberships. You can show anything. I don't even think you have to show. You just say, "Hey, what's up?" And that's
00:27:56
the problem. That's what some people want. So, it's more fair in quotes. And some people
00:28:01
>> it invited, >> you know, when you're on a flight, you have to show your ID and you have to
00:28:04
show your, you know, real ID and your license or passport. >> Every second you turn around, you're
00:28:11
driving. Like, why can't it just be a driver's license, something a real ID? >> Well, whatever you would get to go on an
00:28:17
airplane, >> right? That's all. >> You know, golly, I don't know. This is kind of a hot take. Some a lot of people
00:28:24
love the current system, but I I feel like it invites pe suspicion and we don't want anyone to think like that.
00:28:31
You know, we when I grow up, it was like and Richard Nixon defeats Hubert Humphrey. It was like 11:00 or midnight
00:28:38
and the the presidential election was called, not just the state election. Another problem is they they used to if
00:28:45
you hand it in on the day of the election, it would still count later if they needed it, you know,
00:28:52
>> but they don't go by postmark, which was the legal way. Now it's you can write in
00:28:56
when you handed it in what day. So if you can do that, then you could just it it's all it just should be a little more
00:29:03
of a tighter ship. It's all I'm saying. >> I just like to meet the guy. Yeah. I'm
00:29:08
uh Congressman Steve Wilkers and uh that's the system I put in place in California. You know what what is the I
00:29:15
guess the idea is more people participate. I don't know. >> Right. Obviously the idea is you you
00:29:22
just have to realize some people are going to play the system. Some people really need this system the way it is
00:29:28
now and some people clown it. Same with everything. Same with the border. Good people want to come in also bad people.
00:29:34
You got to have to have some system to differentiate the two. And that's the hard part. They said Nithia didn't even
00:29:40
win in her own district. And then after it was over, she shot up thousands and thousands of
00:29:46
>> Is it weird to say right at this moment that if you ran, I would vote for you.
00:29:52
>> Me? >> You were pretty articulate there. >> I could run. I wasn't on a reality show,
00:29:55
but I could run. >> Let What is um Should we have Steph? >> I could run. I know nothing.
00:30:01
>> M Mr. We should [laughter] I That's a great campaign. I know I know just as much as current politicians,
00:30:08
meaning I know nothing. I'm like Colonel Schultz. They gave Pratt a lot of [ __ ]
00:30:13
And you go, well, I don't mind that he doesn't know because at least he's saying things that no one says you want
00:30:18
to hear. And you go, you could be a politician for 50 years, but if nothing's going the right way, who cares
00:30:25
about your experience? That means just you're in bed with a lot of people that you owe. And there's same with both
00:30:31
sides of the aisle. They are they've been in so long it's all kind of sketchy on both sides.
00:30:37
>> The best Congress money can buy and you can get in that Congress and go to those
00:30:40
meetings and listen in. Oh, really? So Nvidia is getting that government deal. Go place a bet in the stock market.
00:30:48
>> That's the only reason to be in >> Yeah, you can really get rich is if you >> Give me some of your stocks, Richie
00:30:53
Rich. I got to get back in the game. >> Uh, you know, it's always it's like nerve-wracking. You ever heard of the
00:30:58
phrase volatility? >> No. The word actually. It's not a phrase. >> Nope. Nothing.
00:31:04
>> Stocks go like this these days, you know. And it's always >> Are you in SpaceX or No.
00:31:10
>> Well, Space Space X is going to take off like a rocket. No pun intended. Um, no.
00:31:16
I don't know what it's going to do, but you do know that in in the big banks, there's people who bought SpaceX
00:31:22
essentially for a nickel, right, per share, and now it's $35 a share. So, the amount of millionaires and I guess
00:31:31
billionaires that will be printed, unless the stock doesn't perform, but it may go way up and way down. We don't
00:31:38
know because it has never made any money. >> Be like a rocket and go like this and
00:31:41
then go down >> and it should have an escape hatch. Excuse me. [laughter] I have MUN bonds
00:31:47
and they they >> they balance out my portfolio. Don't get me started on my favor. What
00:31:55
if I I want to be a quillionaire? >> You've got plenty. I mean, I you know, I just like to
00:32:04
>> Heather wants to be a trillionaire, but I want to be a quillionaire. >> Hey, David. Everything you owns you
00:32:09
back. Have you ever thought of that? >> Think every day. >> Have you ever thought of this? You
00:32:14
occupy your house, but you live here. Your spirit, soul, and physicality right here. Never never thought of that.
00:32:20
[laughter] >> Didn't cross my mind. You're just going to chase shiny things until you go.
00:32:26
>> Yeah. I go like this. This is a Camaro. If that's cool, that means I'm cool, right?
00:32:31
>> Oh, yeah. >> Cool things around me. Watch this. That means me. >> If I [clears throat] have a new shirt,
00:32:37
that means I'm new. >> Yeah, I see. I get it. Look, I I bought a guitar recently. A little cool cool
00:32:46
guitar. >> I got a guitar you might like. >> The only things I like is what I can
00:32:50
interact with. >> Yeah. a pool, a basketball hoop, a te, you know, great. A television, you're
00:32:58
interactive golfing. >> All right, let's go to the hot stories. Let's go to the stories. Got to hit the
00:33:04
world. >> I have I have a 17 hour drive. I'm in no >> I like that we always act like we're so
00:33:08
busy for the podcast. We're like, we just got to buzz. People go, you're not even trying.
00:33:13
Okay, I'll just [laughter] say it. I haven't given this a thought >> at all. but
00:33:20
>> at all >> at all because I wasn't sure. But that's what I love about buzzing around
00:33:26
>> and um >> you've got a whole Okay, I have to have Piers Morgan. >> Pierce Morgan. Okay, we have him.
00:33:32
>> Maybe we're going to do all these people at the Knicks game. Is that help? Is
00:33:35
that something you can handle? >> Sure. >> It's time for buzzing around fan favorite. Uh sponsored by 5 Energy's
00:33:42
firework freeze flavor. Ignite your taste buds with red, white, and blue freezer pop classic re-imagined as a
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delicious firework freeze fivehour energy shot. Find firework freeze shots online at 5hour energy.com or Amazon
00:34:00
today. And today's segment, by the way, Fourth of July is coming up, which is really kind of turning into a Joe Dirt
00:34:07
holiday to be honest with all the movies. >> Joe Dirt is what you you know what your
00:34:10
movies do? They just travel. You know, like Joe Dirt was not like a hundred million dollar movie, but it's bigger,
00:34:19
but this is the the good thing. It's bigger now than it was even then. >> I have to say that's true.
00:34:25
>> Tommy Boy, Joe Dirt. So, I think that's a good thing rather than >> working on doing a Joe Dirt cartoon and
00:34:32
we will have more on that story later. >> Uh, okay. So, buzzing around, you're gonna have Piers Morgan. Who else? Well,
00:34:40
[laughter] I just >> You can pick anybody you want just to survive this. [laughter]
00:34:47
>> Mandami. >> Yeah. >> Oh, he was there. >> He jinxed the other game. >> I mean, yeah. I usually do too many, but
00:34:54
here here's there's that guy. Okay. I got six puppets. Here we go. And they're at the next
00:35:01
game, right? >> Yeah. >> Do I hold the puppets up or I just do the voices? >> No, you just do one at a time. You can
00:35:07
do whatever you want. >> All right. Here we go. >> You take your time. >> Yeah. >> So,
00:35:11
>> this is overwhelming. >> So, uh Tucker Carlson >> was at the Knicks game and he was
00:35:16
rooting for the Knicks and all he just the entire time he was just in a state of hysterics. He was like, [laughter]
00:35:28
>> you know, it helps that he's laughing in the picture. [laughter] >> Well, that's why I do it.
00:35:33
>> Do I hold up the puppets or just do the voices? >> I don't care. Whatever's easier.
00:35:38
So, David, um, do you watch sporting events? >> I think that that it does help that I
00:35:44
can see you. [laughter] >> That's funnier. Okay. I actually do. I watch a lot of the game last night.
00:35:49
>> And that's what you do is you just watch men running around throwing a basketball
00:35:52
around and that satisfies you. You don't need anything else in life. Just watching men play sports. Is that that
00:35:58
what you're saying? >> Well, I mean, it sounds sexual the way you're saying it, but it's it's not just
00:36:03
for fun. >> You don't have much of a life, do you? Is that the way you like to live your
00:36:07
life? very quiet, out of the spotlight. >> Well, not on purpose, but yeah. >> Pierce, you're being kind of mean.
00:36:14
>> That is condescending. I mean, >> don't get me started. Dan Fluffy, what what was what was your movie? Wayne's
00:36:20
World from 1983. [laughter] >> God, he's he's mean. Ma'am, Danny was there. >> [laughter]
00:36:30
>> I mean, [laughter] Senator John Kenny was >> really accurate. Okay. >> Now, as far as I understood it, the idea
00:36:47
is to win the game. your words, not mine. But I saw people missing shots and throwing the ball out of bounds, getting
00:36:57
paid millions of dollars. David's words, not mine. All right. Now, what is traveling? Can
00:37:05
you walk nine steps these days? I guess [laughter] >> when they call it a slam dunk, is it
00:37:12
really a slam dunk? Your words, not mine. You think that's where they got the term something's a
00:37:21
slam dunk? >> Keep talking. I'll have him move with you. >> It's hard. Uh because uh it feels like
00:37:27
that was the origin story. People slamming the ball in a hoop. I can't do him. >> Your words
00:37:35
you put on to Twitter. [laughter] >> Here's the most nonsequitular one of the day.
00:37:42
>> Oh boy. >> Dean Martin from heaven went to the went to the Knicks show. Oh honey. Oh, I'm
00:37:47
telling you. Oh, the basketball game. Oh, and they had a little bit of wine. Oh, I don't even know who won. Everybody
00:37:57
loves somebody. I was singing pretty good. >> You know what the You know what the
00:38:03
Spurs said last night was a kick in the head. [laughter] >> Kick in the head. >> Ain't that a kick in the head? Hey
00:38:09
there. Yeah. The next win every time and this person in the basketball players they throw the ball around. You get a
00:38:20
foul. You charging. You can charge them when you put the elbow in the face and you break the clavicle and the different
00:38:29
bones and that's how you win the basketball game. Right. David Spade, did you ever make a basket in your life?
00:38:37
>> You know who gets fouled a lot? Wimpana. [laughter] Wimpana. You can't defeat Wimpana. He's eight.
00:38:47
He's 8 and a half feet tall. He's Wimpyana. You know what they call him? David Spade.
00:38:53
>> No. >> They call him the alien. He's like a >> I fought him in. I saw him in the locker
00:39:02
room and I said, "What are you?" >> That's all he said. [laughter] >> Yeah, that's better.
00:39:10
>> And finally, well, many people are upset by our system. >> We need Reagan at the end.
00:39:17
>> Many people are seeing things they don't like, scores and things and politics as
00:39:22
usual. People fight and argue, but we have to always remember we're the United States of America,
00:39:28
>> right? Excuse. Excuse me. We're the United States of A >> I beg your pardon. We're the United
00:39:36
States. [laughter] >> He's farting. >> I think so. >> Hang on. This has been buzzing around.
00:39:41
I'll help you. >> This has been buzzing around and here it is. If you want to pick me up. Trust me,
00:39:47
it helped me many times before. Now you can see my mouth move and the illusion is ruined. [laughter]
00:39:52
Goodbye. >> That was buzzing around. Sponsored by anything else. The iconic red, white, and blue freezer
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provided through Choice Financial Group and Column NA members FDIC. >> All right, we still got to get some
00:41:40
stories in. Everyone's clamoring for our stories, our takes, hot takes. Five minutes. Five minutes. We could do
00:41:48
stories. I'm gonna get in the car. >> Rapid fire. >> Yeah. [snorts] >> Oh, this is the next. That guy's bloody.
00:41:56
They make him take a spur. This is it. >> There's a million of these. >> Oh god.
00:42:02
>> It's unreal. That's a calm one. There's so many. >> Crazy. >> It used to be like hooray. Remember our
00:42:11
celebration? >> Yeah. You shake >> high five. You shake hands with the people. Hey, good good game everybody.
00:42:19
Good game. Let's ht up, >> right? >> Um I cannot relate. You not like me team. Me
00:42:27
beat you up. If you like my team, me not beat you up. I mean, what is >> Seinfeld used to be like, you're an
00:42:34
adult cheering for laundry. [laughter] It's like you have a jersey on. I like you.
00:42:39
>> I was watching a game once and Leno came in and go, who's ahead? The reds and the
00:42:43
yellows. >> Yeah. >> I mean, it is kind of fascinating how much you invest in it, you know.
00:42:50
>> All right. Next story. Rapid fire. >> Miles Garrett. LA takes the next five years.
00:42:57
>> No. LA taxes. Oh, Miles Garrett came from the Browns. >> Sorry. >> They break down what he pays. Now, no
00:43:02
one's feeling sorry for this guy, but it is a bit of a [ __ ] It's a bit of a nibble at his check. 68 million in
00:43:09
federal tax right away. four out of 177 million 67 million >> okay that seems >> to the Fed that's national then 4.2 2
00:43:19
million to FICA, 23 million to California State. They have a really rough state 9
00:43:27
>> uh 5 million to the agent. That's it. >> I don't get the 5 million. That's like a
00:43:32
2% >> 10. We made 10. >> 10 would be 17 million. By the way, if you get drafted and you're playing for
00:43:38
now, the Las Vegas Raiders, you you don't pay that 235. No state tax. >> That's a big reason people go to the
00:43:45
Raiders and not here >> year after year. Luckily, the Rams are great, but his net income is 78 million
00:43:51
out of 177. So, he lost 99 million in the process. >> The rich don't pay the fair share.
00:43:59
>> HE SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO KEEP $78 million. That's too much money for one human being. He should he he should get
00:44:07
$2 million max and the rest goes to the people who need the money. I'm Bernie Sanders and you can go [ __ ] yourself.
00:44:15
>> That was a good Bernie. I think it is. >> I know. I like Bernie cuz Bernie's been
00:44:19
consistently a socialist the whole time. So, he's consistently he's not joining the party cuz it's hip. The only
00:44:26
>> Why where why is he a possibly a millionaire? He has to give it back. >> Well, like you said last week, what's
00:44:32
his name? Tommy Styer went to a trillionaire thing as part of his speech. >> Soon soon we will have trillionaires.
00:44:39
But you're a billionaire. Uh oh, I get your point. Yeah. Dennis Miller would say Tommy Styer, the
00:44:47
guy who spent 150 million got got lost. He got third. I spent zero. I got fourth.
00:44:54
>> Yeah. We would have both had the same same outcome. I would have put down a singular rectangular greenback, a $1
00:45:02
bill. [laughter] He puts in he puts in 200 billion and we're both in third place. Okay. None of us are going to the
00:45:09
governor's house. All right. He said, he goes, "Reagan went against Manddale. When I went to bed, Reagan had 280
00:45:17
electoral votes. Manddale had three." Okay, that's the only three more than I had. I didn't even run. This [laughter]
00:45:22
guy spent 200 million bucks. I almost tied them. >> It's a way to observe things [laughter]
00:45:27
and feel so good about yourself. Yeah. I That guy's getting in the game. They lost and I didn't wasn't in the game and
00:45:34
I didn't lose. We're both the same kind of thing. I think it's kind of a some kind of weird sort of u
00:45:41
>> flying too close to the sun motif. All right. >> Montdale is going to show up in American
00:45:47
Express ads. Hey, remember me? A couple years ago I ran for governor. I got stomped like a narc at a biker rally.
00:45:52
[laughter] >> With a name like that, you should start a shoe line. You should say hello to my
00:45:58
brand new mandales. You know, they got sidewalls on them. Size 10 and a half. I'm assuming. Okay. I'm assuming
00:46:06
>> Brian brand new mandales is kind of funny. >> We got to get Dennis back in because
00:46:09
it's been too long. Yeah. >> Um, okay. Next one. Then we'll wrap up D. He's ticking clock.
00:46:15
>> He's got to go. What's this stupid one? Okay. Oh. Oh, Google. Why are all these places that
00:46:25
aren't SC? This is what drives me crazy. I don't even want a scientist to do this. Google's conducting one of the
00:46:30
largest open air biological experiments in history. Is this mosquitoes or what is it
00:46:36
>> here? It is playing >> should not be partaking and conducting one of the largest open air biological
00:46:45
experiments in US history because that's what this is. They do plan to release 64
00:46:51
million. Actually, it's not 32 million like many outlets are claiming counted up the numbers. mosquitoes with like
00:46:58
castrated >> per year over both California >> and California and yeah these male mosquitoes
00:47:10
>> these male mosquitoes are wacia bacteria >> so that so they'll release them into the
00:47:16
wild and that will >> what are they learning the mosquito populations because they're babies you
00:47:21
know they won't be >> oh it's suppress something. Try to get them to blow blanks.
00:47:29
>> Right. Well, we have a thing up here where our horses have to wear these kind
00:47:34
of like masks and one of the horse doesn't like the bass, but flies are attracted to like their eyes because
00:47:40
they're sort of watery. >> So gross. >> So, I think there's a thing where you can get wasps that don't sting humans or
00:47:49
animals, but they'll just eradicate all the mosquito population. We'll go elsewhere. Sure, I'll do that. But don't
00:47:57
add mosquitoes to the equation, especially if they're some experimental biological.
00:48:03
>> If if you're going to do that, I want to see online or on regular television.
00:48:07
Google, >> we're releasing male mosquitoes to reduce the population, hundreds of
00:48:13
thousands of them. We're Google, you know, make a post. >> Are you tired of pregnant mosquitoes?
00:48:19
[laughter] >> Introducing uh we cut their mosquito nuts off. >> Yeah, good luck making a batch of
00:48:30
mosquito kids. Those days are over. We got you neutered, mosques. We're good. >> Insectile dysfunction. [laughter]
00:48:40
>> I hope you had fun when you're getting laid in mosquito world. But guess what?
00:48:44
Those days are over. I'm from Google. So go >> thanks to Google. >> Guess what? This is just a fun fact.
00:48:53
>> I may have said this before, but I found it fascinating. So Walt Disney goes to
00:48:56
the swamps of Orlando to build Disney World, and there's mosquitoes up to Yingyang.
00:49:03
>> Who figured out >> the >> How do they get rid of them? >> Yeah. How did they How did they get rid
00:49:09
of the mosquitoes? >> Freeze them and >> No. No. >> What? >> Mosquitoes will not lay eggs and cannot
00:49:17
mate if they don't have standing water. So if you go to Disney World, all water is moving. There's no no standing water.
00:49:26
>> Got smart. I like to hear that kind of [ __ ] >> Isn't that cool? Just it always moves
00:49:29
and then they go elsewhere, you know? >> This is my last fact because Heather asked earlier. I've heard at the Knicks,
00:49:37
this is circling around to end up the whole show. The front row is comped. So, I don't think Taylor Swift is paying
00:49:47
30,000 a seat. >> Well, is it comped if you're famous? But what if you're just a regular wealthy
00:49:52
guy? >> I think if you get a season ticket, it's not comped. I think Ben Stiller probably
00:49:56
pays for the season. But if I go to a game, Lakers, I think I've been offered Knicks this
00:50:02
year. If I'm in New York and it's the timing is right, I can get you. Someone goes, I can get you on there. You can
00:50:08
get courtside two seats. Just give us a heads up. They don't say, "Do you have 22?"
00:50:14
>> I heard it was 100,000 for this playoff game. Maybe if you're not >> I heard the worst seat last night was
00:50:20
3,000. So way up in the rafter. >> I thought I I heard the worst seat was 10,000. What are you reading?
00:50:25
>> I heard your worst seat is the one in your kitchen. I heard you have a permanent ban on going to Madison Square
00:50:33
Garden. [laughter] >> I heard I take too much focus off the game because everyone's cheering for me.
00:50:39
[laughter] >> I heard that Shaquille O'Neal once threw you the length of the court during
00:50:45
halftime. >> I hear O'Neal once pick me up and swallow me like Steuart Little accidentally. [laughter]
00:50:52
>> Well, I love anything that references Steuart Little because I [snorts] read that
00:50:55
>> anything that I heard >> fourth grade. Yeah, I heard that's not even a real shirt. You just This is an
00:51:01
AI >> shirt is very shimmery. >> Yeah, it works. >> Okay, let's get Dana on the road. Thank
00:51:08
you for doing this, Dana. I know you really push some things around. You push your
00:51:12
>> Not a big deal. I just wanted to be on the road 11 minutes from now driving. >> Yeah.
00:51:18
>> So, good. >> Yeah. >> Uh well, we appreciate you coming. Have a nice trip and uh we'll see you guys
00:51:24
next time. >> See you next time. >> Bye. Fly. Bye flies. All right, listen. If you're enjoying
00:51:34
the fly on the wall, of course hopefully you are, click follow. We don't want to
00:51:38
be desperate, but obviously smash that goddang button on your favorite podcast app.
00:51:44
>> Leave a review, a good one. >> Leave a fivestar rating, nothing [music] else.
00:51:49
>> Whoops. >> And maybe even share an episode with a friend. If you're watching this episode
00:51:53
on YouTube, please subscribe. [music] Dana, what do you think? I'm going to tell you this right now. Hear me now,
00:51:59
believe me later. Fly in the Wall, believe it or not, is presented by Odyssey and executive
00:52:06
produced by, hold for it, Dana Carvey, and David Spade, or David Spade and Dana [music] Carvey. We don't write this
00:52:13
stuff, Heather Santoro, Greg Holtzman, and Leah Reese Dennis. The show is edited by Evan Cox with production
00:52:22
support from [music] Phil Sweet. Talent production and booking by Sophia Leapor.