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[Music] they're doing some aging stuff and gives me a dimple and a thing and then they uh slap me in the
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ass they give they give me they give me some french fries they give me a headlock and really drop kick me to the
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stage they're really strong they give you a shot of adrenaline like Pink Floyd get out there kid you're
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[Music] like let's get into it we're on Superfly with Dana and we're going to start with New York City and I am in New York city so if you hear a siren don't think it's
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some what Spade's location is um I do go to the Satur Night Live parties and I always go well I'll leave at 300 a.m. it's freaky that you get a
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second win you get up maybe at 8 or 9 and then you go all the way to 1:00 a.m. for the good nights fluffed and folded why you go are we going you know the death of of an episode of Saturday live
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is if people ask where is the party too early like it's 6 o'clock in the you know it's like 6 PM where is the party tonight means they're not focused oh but
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anyway I go and I eventually end up with Lauren and we're there together so basically I get into the bed at the hotel I look at my phone it says 5:30
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a.m. and then I turn the light out and I'm not a night outl I go to bed at 9: a no you're a baller dude that's crazy because you know I uh we I used do
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the snel parties and now if something's at 11 I'm like how in God's green earth if it's not you know New Year's Eve how
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do you get up the gumption to stay up till 11 if there's nothing energetically happening and you're just sitting around
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it's hard but if there's something going on you're out then lot young people yeah the party would they're they're they're
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pretty intense there's a lot a lot of people there and I got to hang out with Stevie Nicks who couldn't have been more
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adorable um oh for sure you know uh sure Legend Ariana Grande was definitely relieved after the show the show was she did a great show she can kind of do
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anything she is hilarious she's great yeah I think I wanted to tell her if I ever saw her just the last time I saw on
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the show her impressions were great when she would sing a bunch of different people and then she's funny she did a
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Jennifer Lawrence last time that was funny so I didn't see all her sketches but the ones I saw she she is just she's
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a does a great job Powerhouse real pistol she's a pistol and then she's one of those people you go what can't she do
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she was there with a friend and I said she kind of does everything right I I go can can she dance and he goes oh yeah she can dance she can sing she can dance
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that's comedy impression so that was really fun and I was talking to a woman at the party you know you get whipped around by the way she she's twig too by
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the way in real life she weighs 66 she's tiny she's and it's so funny she's such
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a Powerhouse she wasn't tired I think people get on her about being thin she she didn't look tired she's energetic
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she gives it in every sketch there's absolutely no complaints no she's just the size person she is and it works for
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her she has really funny energy I saw her walking down the hallway in the costume for the cast castr there was a
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thing that she was playing a boy who was cast had like that one yeah and when I saw the costume just walking down
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casually you know funny I said okay this is going to work you know sometimes you have to so you met a woman I'm sorry you
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I interrupted you go ahead oh no I was talking to a woman you know you turn and then there's somebody oh hey you know
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and it was her mom and I go oh that's cool does the apple fall very far from the tree and she goes I'm an
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engineer okay so she just went off and did her own thing not a full nippo baby uh no she's just she's what can I say you know I mean good Lord that's why uh
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long story short I I put on lipstick and a dress and a wig in a sketch about Jennifer coolage they threw it at me Thursday night and I just thought in my
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age group I never really was in drag because church lady is whatever you think she is there's no lipstick there's
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no but then they explained to me that the character it was like a snow white thing or something that my Jennifer
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coolage has been trapped in the mirror for hundreds of years Chloe told me yeah and you look the closest to
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200 so when I came out but I think we have a this is La I had a lot of guests backstage and LoveIt was one of them so he took a video of me which I've posted but I think it's funny to talk about
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because oh he took that yeah and I'm just trying to get through the thing here we go I'm trying to rehearse it
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let's play mouth magic Wow so we going to have tonight yeah exactly just learning
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Contin Let's test it by eating some corn this is good hey Wow Let's test it by eating some car I love it this is solid BTS you got your down jacket rest but
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you're literally a sing in your head out loud kind of yeah I'm just trying to because the between dress and air for
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they had to remove about four beats one was we eat corn it was a lot Wilder but it was you know it was amazingly around it's just a non Seer
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hey wow let's eat some corn they suddenly have corn can I have your corn it was kind of an acidy esoteric sketch I still don't quite understand it um but
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that was fun do should I tell you a few things about living in New York or do you want to of respond you have any
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questions no I'm saying they could probably do that sketch again because it's sort of a good trick you've got a host mimicking
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the cast member which is a good fun thing for the host and then that side mirror kind of makes sense doesn't a th%
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but it's funny it makes enough sense to we get it yeah and then it's just three people now it's just funny three people
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trying to act the same and and lip sync to what they're saying and of course get it wrong it's funny and then I guess
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it's uh maybe other people are more aware but I I was casually aware that lipstick commercials do have long
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phrases maybelline's lip Lip lip color color lip special Lip lip so that was something that I think that our Heather would understand the day and night out in the town go with your first date
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lipstick yeah with a lip lip lippity Lip lip Lip lip color color color all right
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casual observation about New York City first of all it's like being in Midtown walking around is like being in
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Disneyland on a Saturday during a holiday MH I mean it's literally that packed and now they have people on bikes
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and bike Lanes called City Bank bikes and they're going 40 mil per hour so you're just looking for cars but there
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separate L on your right oh yeah on your left totally and then you know I go to the pharmacy and it's got all the stuff it's got a little grocery store and you go in
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and there's a 6'8 guy with a with a flack jacket and an Uzi just very serious with combat boots just over by the ATM looking around you know it's just not quite like uh good guy or bad
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guy he's a good guy good guy good guy a guy who just says good guy not here he's
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a guy who just says not not here not now not on my turf but you know if you live
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up in maybe Idaho or something you may not get as much of that so right I mean you see there's I mean I was just
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watching our local news and I'm like this should be a crime show because it should be the crime Channel every other story is like another smashing another
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ATM was ripped out through the [ __ ] fireplace of someone's house and another they're just showing people ripping out
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ATMs with trucks out of and everyone's like and they warn this 7-Eleven you should
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probably lock them down better it's never about don't steal it it's about how can we and hide it trick people in a
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totally oh yeah it's the shelves are bare really basically I mean and you know you have to get a key to get in to
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to get lotion and stuff and it's kind of like can I get some rubbers on i8 so embarrassing yeah and it's a little bit
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like my uh doctor nurse it's like oh you want to do what well I'd like to get some uh you know some vitamin C that's under locking key I'm going to have to
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get the manager let me call corporate but but by the way are you for sure going to buy it by the way and guess what yeah I know right they are paranoid
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so even the FL jacket guy is looking at me I've got a puffy jacket on you know baseball black baseball cap so he
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doesn't know so I'm walking toward him he's standing right next to the ATM and I kind of whip out my wallet and I the
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second time I did it I kind of did it very carefully like here's the wallet well my hands in my pocket and then
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there's a he's looking right there yeah you don't know if it's like stick them updd you don't want to get gunned down
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mm um I've been very busy up out here in I mean you I could have a boozy lunch or a boozy dinner with some friend every day oh I told I knew it I'm like New
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York fun and you're on the show and there's a host there's cast there's friends that are visiting you saw LoveIt
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hello hello love it must been like I'm available for sketches oh he was there the whole time he's like I'm only going for the dress show because I have to do
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something tomorrow and then he says oh I'll stay for the air show then he stay for the air show I'm not going to the party I have something I have to do tomorrow next thing you know he's at the
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party it's 3:30 in the morning of course I should go but I'm not jealous I'm not
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gonna sit with you and Lauren scooch scooch away well I mean I like the fact that you're like at 3:00 a.m. going should I call it quits early but that's true I guess the show's at 1 you're
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you're high on adrenaline the adrenaline kind of goes away though because you're like blah blah once you get in that elevator you go down you get in Limo
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just on the way to the party you start to go oh [ __ ] like it's it's dissipating and then you get the
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party and they come up what do you want to eat immediately like I know it's oh you get to eat too but you're starving I'm sure yeah you're kind of starving and then uh you know the next day you
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pay for staying up till 5:30 you know you're like do do they move it every week like they used to do yeah every place is different this was at saak Fifth Avenue a restaurant oh I like that
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one La Avenue I like that one I had my birthday there they're all beautiful um another casual observation that people that know I'm not normally recognized anywhere but I have the Hat on the vest
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around my neck I've got a phone up like this I'm looking down I'm going Full Tilt walking as fast I can another guy
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comes same way does walking super fast goes hey Like You on SNL and then that's it you yeah Dan Barney all they're seeing is this like on SNL and also
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finally it's very sweet dor in people work at the hotel if I give them 10 seconds of Biden they laugh so hard for nothing come on I got to get out of here
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and go find a taxi you get your facts straight Jack and guess what and by the way they're like hey thank you Mr CI
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thank you thank you for that Mr CI so it's you do that service you do a service yeah we like laughing overate we
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love what you're doing on that show you're doing over there with that guy did you you've been a castman now 58
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years no no I took a I went away oh yeah I don't see it too much hey I stopped watching when Bill Murray left you know but yeah it's always like still doing land shark yeah am I still doing land
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shark no that was someone else and that was 500 years ago you know the last really good season was Billy Crystal M
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short Christopher you know everyone's last before it sucked and then you he had some bad years and stuff you know but you know your ER was I say I say a safe answer about as you go sucks now
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that's just an easy one to start with then you go actually there's some fun stuff most the comments are the last
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time Saturday Night Live was funny if I look at an article online yeah was uh you know 81 or 86 or 90 but nothing in the last 20 years SNL hasn't been funny
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in a I always say there's always a sketch or two that's funny every week and it's kind of always been that way there's it's overall maybe it's has been better or worse but you hit a
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few home runs and then a lot of them Clank but that's just the way it is yeah I go by Lauren Lauren's assessment which
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is that whatever age you are that you find music you never forget it what age you are when you first see people act acting ridiculous at 11:30 at night then
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you never forget your cast you know that like seventh grade through high school is like a good chunk when you watch and
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it's sort of you're getting away with something it's kind of dirty kind of nasty all right I'll tell you about my stupid weekend okay what happened what I
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heard good things I'll just say that all right did the special that was in denber two two shows
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Encore for the first show did you come back out what's up they did stand up I came out and took a photo I should show
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you I don't think I'm allowed to I'll show it next week if I can standing up who cares but uh standing well whatever
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some of but I think there's also it's like a f they're like we're on camera I feel like this is the time we should stand up but it was a good set I will say Denver has good crowds and I
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knew that because I always played Comedy Works there so two shows in one night is
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tough uh gervitz of course our manager was like this on the couch in between he had a huge pretzel I should show picture
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he has a pretzel the size of a of a steering wheel of a semi TR and and it's rotated on a platter and it's upright like a ferris wheel I might be able to put the clip into
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YouTube but it's so funny they go we're having dinner he goes we're going to the Yard House ah someone's out of cash I go
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uh no I just want to go to Yard House because it's it's connected basically to the theater I don't mind Yard House by
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the way but I I fake hem and hod I go we got to go there meanwhile I love it you want you want it convenient and I'm sure
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it's great yeah easy and it's like not like stuffy I can always tell on the road I don't want to go to place that
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has like you know Squid and octopie you know you're just like I just want something normal so I eat some stuff and he goes I'm just going to get a pretzel then they bring it it's like they think
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he's seven they bring it like on a fishing line like here's your pretz like a huge and I'm like go that's not for
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and he goes that's mine and I'm like you got a pretzel on a fishing rod and then they bring it over and he's
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like I go God damn and then cuz he's carved out he's like a little monkey person
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he goes I'll eat it like a sandwich it's huge anyway I go Mark I don't know if you should have 10,000 carbs right now
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so he we we talk about the special I go in I do it and then um between shows Alex is back there we're just like redoing my set list and switching stuff
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around just second show you get to do whatever you want but between like this I'm going to see Dana tomorrow I go oh
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you're going to see Dana just Ratatat with the clients hop Stone to Stone don't get your feet wet I click all the
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boxes then I get back to my Mansion I said I did it I saw your special I saw Dana back to the mansion look at my dog
00:16:09
he jumped in the pool I show you the video I'll get you a dog if you want you know as far as restaurants just for a
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second I went to this steakhous with for a charity uh and we got like 10 compliments of the chef you ordered tons of food all your entree salmon and pasta
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whatever and then compliment of the chef kept coming it's callar oh they give youbi oh yeah compliments of the chef so
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then we ordered a dessert so everyone would get one spoonful compliments of the chef it was like some a village of
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desserts it had platforms that were elevated it was a million calories compliments to the chef how do you how
00:16:47
do you go f you don't need to order anything yeah tell that Chef to go shove it up his ass yeah I I made a little C I
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made a little card out of pencil it just said thanks but no thanks when they try to get was more compliments of the chef
00:17:00
compliments of the chef it's very nice but two people were hospitalized for stomach
00:17:06
problems yeah because of oversaturation I go there and they go uh you can always tell they're going to send you something they go any allergies allergic to anything and I go no and
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they bring me a big penicillin cake I go well I I don't love penicillin I'm not allergic to it but I'll eat it so they give me that and then they also go they always have someone stop by your table
00:17:28
it's like a free card how's it going over here you guys good you anything I'm the Regional VP of the this quadrant of
00:17:35
the back of the daytime yeah oh yeah okay and but you never need anything and it's like no and then if you ever do the guy goes I'm the CEO of all the yard houses in history just want to stop by
00:17:46
if you anything I go you got any A1 and they're like oh no we we were interrupted so much that I nicknamed the restaurant interrup well welcome to interrup we're trying to conversation
00:17:59
these people me and Robert Smo were auctioned off as have a dinner date with us right in the middle of you know Wayne
00:18:06
oh and that's your auction dinner yeah and they're very super nice people it was really fun but interrup though
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they're like uh is everything okay and then the order they go uh well we have the great fish I go is it the head and
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the tail too oh yes it's the head and the tail but we filet it so they showed the fish and it was wrapped up in a blanket was it like was that a morg or something I felt bad for it sickening I
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know I don't like no we come to your table we smash the head with a mallet first we show you the head then we show
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you with the tail and then we go back stage an interr upto and do the magic and then you get fet interr upto oh God
00:18:44
every time you you do a punch line you go and then the third guy says and someone goes you guys doing okay over here is everything all right can I get
00:18:50
you anything and so I met my wife and the reason we decideed to get married can we help you anything you need more
00:18:56
water hey [ __ ] you interrupt though your water's down a quarter inch I go I don't want to leave with a full water
00:19:02
how about that like I'll get it to the bottom and then we'll leave you don't have to go I go okay I go don't top me
00:19:09
it's okay anyway interrup but we sound like the biggest ingrates but the truth is you don't really need to order
00:19:14
anything you just get some potato skins and the rest they just bring out hey we understand I always say it's first world
00:19:20
problem but but it is funny because we were trying to talk and it was interrupts I won't say the name of the
00:19:26
restaurant because they were great I mean they were just hover I'd rather eat it interrupt those so then I go to
00:19:33
Kansas City the next night and I hung out with Mahomes all night that's cool yeah yeah Jackson
00:19:40
Mahomes anyway um Oh I thought it was Patrick Mahomes no it's it's his brother can we get a rot and Kelsey Steve Kelce guy with oh I see yeah that's the joke
00:19:53
but Jackson Mahomes is yeah I was hanging out with Bill stran her younger brother Bill Bill he was he was terrific what would you do Dana I'm in the middle of my ACT
00:20:05
I looked at I'm doing this thing about a dog I don't want to give it away it's so funny it's not really dirty but some of
00:20:11
my stuff is adult adults yes yeah and I'm in the middle of my act and I do this thing where I kind of act it out I turn around front row I see this guy it looks like with really long hair like
00:20:24
this and an empty seat next to him I'm like Curious peaked my interest but you can't look at someone for more than a
00:20:31
second because you forget your act you know so yeah I go I got to go back to that guy so I start something else I look back and while they're laughing
00:20:38
uproariously for what 20 to 40 seconds minutes I look over and I he doesn't have long hair he's with a girl I'm like is that his wife no it's a
00:20:50
seven-year-old girl with long hair it's his daughter and I'm like and it throws me and so I I kind of
00:20:57
pause and I think what was this guy a coyote from the border he's bringing kids in you know I just thought what's going on here so I go hey man is that a
00:21:05
coyote from the border you know Coyote's BR I understood it's kind of a dark thing in a comedy show he's sex TR
00:21:12
didn't know Dana I just didn't know I know but you're trying to do your act now you're thinking about sex trafficking it kind of unless you
00:21:19
there's a coyote here so I go uh Hey man oh who's that and he goes oh this is my
00:21:25
daughter nonchalant I go how old are you hun she goes seven you're in the front row I go you
00:21:32
got pretty good seats I go who's your daughter Megan Markle Jesus it's got some money well
00:21:38
wait a minute what happens I'm like I think that my show is for 16 or 18 and under but I found out it doesn't say that up 18 and up yeah yeah but I found
00:21:50
out it's for all ages now that's Nate Bugatti's gig he's got a clean act like you know totally clean it's sque squeaky but mine is a little rough on the edges
00:22:00
nothing too horrible but enough to where I don't want to say it to a seven-year-old so yeah I said oh and then I got her name then I kept
00:22:06
referring back to her and I even talk about porn at the end and I go hey I go something like uh it's getting are you
00:22:13
finding are you people finding it's hard it's getting harder to watch porn on an airplane and then I look over and I go
00:22:20
like hey maybe take her to get some popcorn guy's like couldn't care less and I'm like I can't change my act for
00:22:28
2,000 people when when there's one you know I don't know what to do what's what's the rawest thing that you had to
00:22:34
do in front of the seven-year-old girl I shouldn't say I don't know it not too bad g g no I just there's some stuff I do I do talk about adult I do talk about
00:22:48
adult films but she was fine and then afterwards you know people wait by your car to sign funkos and whatever so I go say hi to some people and I start to get
00:22:59
in the car can we get a picture and I'm already in the car I roll it down no I don't roll down I see the guy and the
00:23:04
daughter the guy and the down I get a picture with her because I thought this is just a funny St I don't know and I
00:23:12
thought I've had it and I make my whole show about the the kid it was a boy recently and he's in the front row with
00:23:19
his dad and he's like seven or eight and I just keep referring to him I get his name it becomes part of the show and it
00:23:26
is funny to do that but seven I thought if she was like 12 or 14 they think it was funny but the kid doesn't even know
00:23:32
she doesn't know I'm on stage kind of tricky was that your first or second show that was my no that was the next
00:23:39
night in Kansas City I and I oh you weren't taping okay all right no I didn't I and I and taping I don't know
00:23:46
if I would have gone on such a tangent you know uh but at Kansas City I said oh she thinks I'm Taylor Swift anyway so she walked out of there going Taylor Swift was there um did did quickly I
00:23:59
have a question you have a goe and she thought so she might have been more like four Daddy he likes yeah she saw blonde
00:24:07
hair yeah he like Taylor Swift daddy um he got he got fuzzies fuzzies on face Daddy Taylor Swift she's we went to Taylor Swift tonight how was she she was a little
00:24:18
dirty yeah she say she say naughty words me cry on way por a lot [Music] and now a word from our sponsors at betterment do you want your money to be motivated do you want your money to rise
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to get started investing involves risk performance is not guaranteed here's my question flying home this is the last
00:25:30
question then we'll get to all the hot oh we got hot topics good Lord no but we'll say that but so all
00:25:37
right uh when I'm flying home I had three seats in coach all three of us were in coach right so what are the man of the people so what are are the rules
00:25:50
of etiquette when you see people walk up to First Class to use the bathroom now I know you're not to stop them but legally are you allowed to go up there and take a [ __ ] I sound it
00:26:03
sounds gross but I'm just thinking is that's pushing it wait did I get this right you have
00:26:09
three three seats in coach is that right did I get that wrong three of us yeah did I get that right I'm reading this
00:26:16
I'm reading this this your words you are your words not mine you are a very successful International standup and yet you fly coach
00:26:28
um because of issues with your Orthopedic structure or for what reason why why it doesn't make sense to the Amer also you like to sit straight up anyway you don't you don't need a
00:26:42
lounger well also I have people with me and sometimes I'd rather sit in coach with my buddies than sit with someone next to me in first that I don't know and I just it doesn't matter know five
00:26:52
TVs on the back I just stare at the TV like a 2-year-old and so I'm happy so did you you did did you a did you and
00:27:00
yourself as a coach passenger your words not mine go to the first class bathroom
00:27:07
and unload a small horse into the latrine no a latrine I there was a guy next to me coughing the whole time now not only
00:27:20
coughing but grotesquely sniffing up the bugs but every 30 seconds uncute and I was like I couldn't deal with it he could not give a fat [ __ ] he's like this
00:27:31
he didn't look over and go he just goes couldn't care next to him is a college guy head on his laptop and the
00:27:38
girlfriend rubbing his back I think he's hung over he gets up and goes to the back I go pee later mostly just to stand
00:27:45
up he's in there minimum 15 minutes men Y and I'm like this and I asked flight attend are always nice to me so I'm like what's going on she's like I think I go oh no so he's puking comes out I let
00:27:57
someone else go to soak the fumes into their clothes of the puke delightful he goes in the front and I go I go to my buddy Bobby I go hey I think this dude that was sitting here is sick he goes
00:28:08
yeah now he went up to the front to puke to to puke up there to balance the plane
00:28:14
out yeah in first it's so much barf it would affect the trajectory of the jet so the flight attendant said could you load it up front even it out just so the back there four up there then he goes
00:28:27
back to the back again I'm like we're going to have to land don't get on the plane if you're this [ __ ] out of it
00:28:32
like this guy's obviously got the flu or diptheria and then the guy next to him is a college kid barfing so not as fun
00:28:40
in coach as we all would have thought that's I get all kinds of things you ever got a throat clear guy a throat you
00:28:47
ever got a throat clearer every every 10 seconds for seven hours and that was the pilot but my I go take
00:29:02
your throat back to the shop it's not working something's wrong get a lazing gargo backstage put put a pillow over
00:29:09
your head or shoot me in the [ __ ] head cuz I can't take one more clearing we're we're over
00:29:15
Topeka I'm such a dick about you tell oh by the way coffee sniffly is watching a
00:29:22
video and it's old old SNL not even not our era but just old SNL sketches I'm like I just want him to know I'm mad at him and I used to be on
00:29:35
SNL you got to just start talking to your your your bandmates your two friends really loud and just saying Chris Farley you know me me and Chris Farley Cary Dana
00:29:49
Carvey but I do when I go on SNL and they're very nice the audience when I come out I feel like a ghost coming out
00:29:55
of the Mist I mean if you don't listen to this podcast you're like where in the hell is this little babyfaced nutball
00:30:02
been all these years and I'm like here I come mug again come on now get get your facts Jack so
00:30:10
it's it's fun to do B and I'm just still winding into it I did it on this podcast
00:30:15
but not with the full regalia so I've got new hooks for this this show Saturday brand new bidens who's the host this week Michael Keaton a man named Michael Keaton was he on our podcast
00:30:28
yeah he was I know super nice guy he's funny dude um and funny how long does your hair and makeup take for what Biden yeah Heather has a question it used to be to get a bald cap
00:30:40
really on done well with latex and all this stuff would take basically an hour now they have a like a pit pit pit stop
00:30:49
like Indianapolis 500 they got five guys yeah because the G and it's 15 minutes to put the ball cap on and then the makeup is not much you know I'm I'm in a
00:31:00
certain age group but I they're doing some aging stuff and gives me a dimple and a
00:31:06
thing and then they uh slap me in the ass they give they give me they give me some french fries they give me a headlock and really drop kick me to the stage they're really strong they give
00:31:17
you a shot of adrenaline like Pink Floyd get out there kid you're like the two super star I mean the two heads are
00:31:23
Louie with uh the bald cap and makeup and then jod with her her bandmates over in the other side they the wig is delicately placed on my head I tighten the tire put it on and I'm ready to go
00:31:37
come on and by the way and guess what the fact of the matter is let me be clear I ran out of stuff to say so anyway I'm having fun what else do we got that's a half first story here we go
00:31:49
we got a show all right we got a we got a big show today you've had a big show you've had a Big Show and there's
00:31:55
another one going okay oh I like this read actually there's a follow up Kanye West allegedly told wife Bianca he
00:32:02
wanted to have sex with her mom while she watched this is a real no no if you're married this is a real no no for
00:32:08
girlfriend well I mean it's each his own and it happens a lot uh it does no no uh
00:32:20
cuckoo send after this happened a couple I'm like who's her mom like of course we
00:32:26
barely know this young lady other than she wears um she's quite literally scantily clad I could I could safely say that right you seen her if your
00:32:37
boyfriend wants to put you in in some kind of Falcon hoodie with a g string and parade you parade you down the streets of Rome there's one word for that
00:32:49
run yeah but I love Kanye got you and see oh like I know but I do oh it's too late he's got he's walking going you like this [ __ ] huh CA she looks great
00:33:05
anyway a couple days later I'm reading the daily nailed or one of those places Daily Mail crack cocaine for your brain freaking bian's mom Bianca's mom she's
00:33:17
out and about and she's strutting and peacocking like what of course she looks kind of cute I'm like oh that's her mom
00:33:23
like this is the one kind of is lusting over they hype it up a little bit and then she's like huh leaning over me
00:33:30
little old me why am I so great hilarious well just funny we have a picture of her try to pull one up if you
00:33:36
see one where does that end just in a marriage hey can I have sex with your cousin um your brother's uh daughter could I've said I mean it's just like when when does somebody say shut the
00:33:48
[ __ ] up you sicko yeah anyone in your family tree technically available is there any boundaries okay there she is look at her what's going on check me out
00:33:59
okay got the heels on the way to Ralph's so anyway that's a lot of work Kanye's into it attractive woman uh she's got
00:34:06
the Jackie Jackie O sunglasses long bone hair it's a lot of she's decked out a bracelet you know it looks like she's ready for a photo shoot r on noon but fine so also um the the the rumor on the
00:34:21
story was he texted Bianca is that her name bian Bianca and said said hey I want to have sex with your mom her answer could have been a myriad of things she could have started with
00:34:34
um but instead she said she's married you know what since I deep dived on Daily Mail I got her response to that actually I want to have sex with your mom her response was
00:34:47
again oh yeah exclamation point we've talked about this no she doesn't get offended she's married that's the reason why he can't h
00:34:59
M I think people do a lot of you know what's that song for the 1930s no one knows what goes on behind closed doors no one knows what goes go on behind Clos
00:35:13
Charlie Pride maybe I think so one of my favorites was you're having my baby that
00:35:19
wouldn't fly now in 2024 you're having my baby is it at least her baby or our baby you're having my baby oh actually he goes Frankie Valley it
00:35:31
says like no it's not Neil on it but my what a lovely way of saying what you thinking of me and he goes God the seed inside
00:35:43
you the seed how sickening I see it growing oh my seed is growing yeah he goes I'm happy in the you having my B but but then she sings I'm a woman in
00:35:57
love but the best part is he casually goes uh you didn't have to keep it and you're listening going he goes I wouldn't put you through it you could have swept it from your life but you
00:36:13
wouldn't do it he didn't say you couldn't do it he but you wouldn't do it now you having my
00:36:20
baby that is that hearing this is that that sounds that's real oh wow I thought it was the chorus was in case you forgot you're having my baby if you ever can't
00:36:33
remember you're having my baby I thought you were fat and getting fatter but then you showed me the sonogram but it doesn't matter cuz
00:36:46
you're having my fa I know you're my I know you're might think that you're having your baby maybe you think you're having our baby but none of those are
00:36:58
true cuz you're having my baby it's a little chauvinistic a little ego it's interesting you're right I'm glad you brought it okay what's the next one that was a great run there's a clip Patrick's
00:37:08
going crazy that's a good run it's funny I guess so I guess so horine video appears to show accus killer Sarah Boon laugh as boyfriend dies trapped in a
00:37:19
suitcase War feel good this is a story it's been around for a while Ed did you hear about this a woman so I I'm probably wrong they get drunk
00:37:31
they're fighting she tells them to get in the suitcase mhm Zips it up leaves about this much of the zipper so his finger can stick out and then laughs at him and films it while he's like hey
00:37:43
enough I can't it's hard to breathe in here right and stays in there and then she goes to bed she laughs about it filming posts it goes to bed wakes up oh
00:37:56
right where's the boyfriend oh he's in the suitcase mhm okay Fun's over and then he's like this so it came up again because I think it's been about four years of this
00:38:08
trial and she's like you guys aren't still mad about this they're like yes and you're going to jail did she have a
00:38:14
defense that she was drunk and didn't understand and fell asleep or is it what what is it is La in well I I I was a practicing lawyer before I got asked I
00:38:25
was a practicing lawyer ah this is unfrozen caveman lawyer involuntary manslaughter code one uh 3 to five she
00:38:33
served three she's out in 6 months but the your lawyer Kim Kardashian yeah so I don't know so it's just so crazy that they have a video of her like talking to a suitcase yeah and she's
00:38:47
drinking wine going what are you complaining about yeah what sure problem oh look at me I'm in a suitcase and I
00:38:54
can't breathe get the [ __ ] out of here those are that's her testimon are you tired I'm tired I'm going to go you want to sleep here you sleeping okay you'll
00:39:05
sleep in the suitcase there more punishment and then it's just hard to get out of
00:39:10
that being guilty well also the whole industry rotated after that they know that a lot of people were put in suitcases by loved ones and they couldn't get out so now there's a interlocking thing where zipped or the
00:39:24
thing you can get out of suitcases that was you know government I think Biden's got to be able to get out a suitcase
00:39:29
come on I took care of that you got a zipper on the inside it's Trump wants the zipper on the
00:39:37
outside Trump every single time on the outside I got Trump his inside every every inside of suitcase sh have Swiss army
00:39:49
[Laughter] knife cut out like oh yeah there's little yeah like the little Corkscrew things coming through the
00:40:03
suitcase must be the man in the suitcase all right I like that note to sell if Paulo wants to put me in suitcase make sure you've got the bidy one you got to get the bidy one you got
00:40:15
to get the Biden one it's got a hatch you can get out of that hatch with no problem I don't like him as president
00:40:21
but I love him as a suitcase guy by the way when people guess what we're doing like if they think we're political they always go you did a joke about Biden so you're for the other side
00:40:33
you did a joke about Trump you can't say anything the other day I said to someone I go oh I just don't like these stores
00:40:39
closing and that one closed because they had too many break-ins there's too much crime here and they go oh you got a oh
00:40:45
you a Trumper hey got a trumpy got a Trumper here I go I can't even be against Crime it's immediately whatever
00:40:52
you're saying they're waiting what side you what side yeah you gu and so you say they go oh
00:40:57
okay all right here's 7-Eleven this this is a sad story this is sad 71 is closing
00:41:04
yeah 400 more than 400 locations in uh here in I guess Canada sad I don't know why because we talk oh it says due to slowing sales inflation declining trffic
00:41:19
traffic declining sales it's been selling the exact same for 200 years every my whole life it's there's exactly the same amount of people in there there's about six everyone's buying
00:41:30
stuff I the question I have is the people who were going to 7-Eleven casually to get little things and stuff
00:41:37
at night or whenever I love it where are they going now for that stuff right what's the competitor and this this
00:41:44
Amazon instead of going to the store and door Dash Amazon H well well I mean when
00:41:52
you can order one paper towel on Amazon and it comes within an hour it's like it's it's
00:41:58
hard to compete with that but it's wasteful but I like to go to 7el it's kind of fun I don't I don't mind it
00:42:04
being white trash yeah it's kind of just all the grabby stuff you want to get want some chips get a snow cone get a
00:42:10
hot dog get water but I was around in the 60s at a business Symposium and the guy was starting 7-Eleven and I said to him 7-Eleven eventually that's going to bite you in the ass I say 800 a.m. to 12
00:42:23
call it 8 to 12 and he didn't take my advice and now he's been I call it I said you should call it
00:42:30
8:30ish to sundown NOP didn't buy I didn't buy well also where am I going to get Christmas presents on Christmas Eve when I'm going to a party and I haven't got anything
00:42:43
yet I know there's a little child section you get a little plastic pony and you give it to a sad kid yeah it's it's a shame everything's closing the
00:42:54
kid's like oh thank you funions all right next one I guess it's all sad stories Dan is it after Ariana Grande it's all uh there's another one here we go okay
00:43:08
here's a child this this is a kid when he gets told aari Cooper is on the Browns the Cleveland Browns football and they tell this kid who can't know
00:43:19
anything about football they tell him he just got traded this is would be my reaction um so today Amari Cooper got
00:43:26
traded was traded it means that he's not on the Cleveland Browns anymore what this is me in fantasy football this is someone wrot this is
00:43:43
child abuse letting your kid be a Browns fan God damn okay cut it off I didn't know he's crying this hard wait it gets a little sad abusive I would have just
00:43:56
changed it out like uh I would have said no no he's yeah he's back he just has a different number does the kid know what
00:44:02
he looks like he doesn't know anything I'm if I play this kid in fantasy which I probably do because I
00:44:09
try to play people I could beat but uh it was a big shake up in fantasy it was and you it's emotional this is kind of related to this I knew a I knew a couple
00:44:20
no names but they decided okay this marriage isn't working we're going to get divorce let's go in and tell the
00:44:27
kids and the kids are like six and eight or eight 10 or something like that so they go Mommy and Daddy we've decided so
00:44:33
before they really got through it the kids burst into tears violently and they said no they backed it out no we're not getting divorced both of them said no no when they saw their reaction they said
00:44:45
no and then they stayed together isn't that funny in the middle of it we're thinking of maybe
00:44:51
no of course it's a worst nightmare for a kid yeah my parents got divorced I was
00:44:56
four but I read about in the paper anyway Dana you were no one briefed me just where's Daddy um he went to the
00:45:08
store it's been four years you think he' be back by now no he's still looking around he actually went away for a while we were in Michigan and then he didn't
00:45:21
come back for about a month or two and so my mom put the house for sale and then he came back what are you doing why
00:45:26
you being so dramatic it's like we don't know if you're alive we don't know what's going on so he goes I got a job
00:45:33
in Arizona and my mom's like Oh so we all move to Arizona and he gets there and he goes surprise no job then he left and so now we're in
00:45:45
Arizona so now three kids boys not all [ __ ] but we weren't we were a handful and then my mom's like wait what so that's the way to break it
00:45:57
it just it it's never even talked about you just start to go where was that one guy that used to pick me up a lot well
00:46:04
sad oh God I mean I used to do a bit I wouldn't do it anymore but trying to explain explain to three-year-olds about
00:46:11
Mommy and Daddy getting a divorce sometimes mommies like to go nigh night time with a different daddy mommy had too much shardon and
00:46:22
that turned mommy into a [ __ ] I think they should first get the kids in and tell them why mommy and daddy
00:46:33
just don't have sex a lot anymore just tell the six and eight-year-old D just to see how they handle that and they're like okay Mommy and Daddy used to just
00:46:41
really nail it 24 hours a day now it's down about once or twice a week and the kids like but no divorce they're like no
00:46:49
it's like a first step anything that starts with mommy and daddy daddy likes to go N Night time
00:46:57
with your preschool teacher she likes Daddy to she likes Daddy to spank her even if she hasn't been naughty daddy texts mommy's
00:47:08
mommy sorry dark humor whatever Kanye tragedy and comedy or just like this no more we can do more [Music]
00:47:27
this was something from Bath and Body Works Why did no one catch that this might look like the KKK wow that is
00:47:34
a yeah I mean just off the bat what is it supposed to be a a snowflake yeah a snow right yeah okay I don't see there supposed to be
00:47:46
snowflakes snowflakes are well that's supposed to be a full circle of a snow flake that's oh you only see half so it looks like five KKK guys that just pop
00:47:56
popped out of a dumpster or something it's a c candle I I I didn't really see that um but but it
00:48:09
is crazy it says Bath and Body Works pulls winter candle after Shoppers criticize the KKK Hood design it's putting it lightly uh we criticize that I hate when
00:48:22
those Mega Republicans start designing a scandle cans yeah exactly we got a Trumper here also I don't want to know what the fragrance is let's just leave it at that all right that's going to get
00:48:35
pulled from the shelves let's move on good good I like we both go M that's something I say all the time goat gets beg stuck on his head and the
00:48:48
rest is history okay here's know we read about this in history books but let's see okay where's the
00:48:54
goat oh yeah it's com music oh he oh he scares them all oh everywhere he goes look at they all haul asso he's trying to make
00:49:09
friends oh I like that there's words to who there it is wow so the goat got a bag stuck on its head it made it look
00:49:15
kind of like a demonic goat or something you can't see its eyes and like 40 other
00:49:20
sheep are just running or goats are just sprinting away from it there's a lot of WTF going on with the other goats
00:49:27
they're like sounds I'll run and ask questions later sounds like date night with David
00:49:34
Spade has that joke doesn't make sense it just sounds like a joke maybe that goat was a butterface you never know yeah goats are goats are goats we used
00:49:46
to ride a goat named Billy actually in Montana and we'd ride it and the poop that came out of it was so organized and little round Pebbles the
00:49:59
poop that came look I'm 8 years old I noticed that the poop that came out of the goat this is like a look Mom yeah it
00:50:08
was like little Pebbles and uh as a child I noticed that but then I saddle up and ride that thing hang on to the horns come on come on poop here it is I
00:50:20
know you like poop stuff so I don't this first time I brought up poop stuff in a long time I can't believe I said that
00:50:25
thing on first class I was saying I know the flight attends roll with it they go there's not much we can
00:50:31
do but if you go up there and take a deuce like you must they must be like you're really pushing it like you can't
00:50:38
come from coach uh lay down some cable [ __ ] pop down a huge giant king kong finger and then run back how many euphemisms are there for Pooh King
00:50:51
Kong's finger you can't go up there lay down a chainsaw shaped deuce in the middle of climbing from 32 to 36,000 ft dropping
00:51:04
the kids at the lake and then run back to 48C you know what I I miss about masks
00:51:10
is you just never had to smell anything you didn't want to smell you just always had a mask on because you know I'm I put
00:51:16
my mask on when that guy was coughing because Bobby did and I was like I don't really I'm not even a full mask guy but I'm like it seems like some blockage from this guy
00:51:27
sick all right one more let's see what's going on let's see what's going on let's break I got a million things to Dana a million I actually kind of
00:51:34
do oh I don't know this is the dating game you know they show clips and and there's famous people number one when I was younger I loved to play Doctor what was your
00:51:46
favor I was interested in Taxidermy no other childhood games huh I don't know I went to Great Links okay like what preserving the bones of
00:52:00
dogs and things like that okay it might be AI I think it's edited or something but yeah supposed to be
00:52:13
Jeffrey dmer on The Dating Game yeah it's definitely I believe it because you know like Tom celic was on like there's
00:52:18
famous people that are on old dating game shows and different Steve Martin I think yeah and so I go Jeffrey D I
00:52:26
believe that for a while and I go and then everyone's laughing and Jim Lang the host is
00:52:33
like let's let's bring it back let's you and I co-host The Dating Game let's just bring it
00:52:39
back what's the song no that's Hawaii 5 isn't it I got it [Laughter] wrong that might be it
00:53:02
[Music] okay I'm comment yeah if that's if that's com real song about my horn abilities yes do the horn that ends where things go
00:53:19
badly okay that's it when a podcast goes off the rails run out of batteries okay so Dana watch Dana this weekend on SNL whatever he's
00:53:33
going GNA bring it we're GNA do things you ever seen before so come on and watch the show don't wait for YouTube so
00:53:39
watch the live I know how I know be on Satur Li anyone's ever been on Sat live I'm Joe
00:53:44
Biden and I and I I I I saw this message I prove this message come on there Trump's the orange man he's the old guy now his hair is orange mine's white on white but you know the drill
00:53:59
come on folks white on white white on white versus orangey MC orange what is it if you're a Trumper what's the opposite with Biden are you a bider are you a bite are you a Biden yeah I know
00:54:12
the Trumper sounds better easier trumpet Trump you trumpet Trump you uh Harris I
00:54:18
guess it has to be Harris wals wals is the weirdest one are you a waler am I talking to a [ __ ] waler
00:54:27
now what are you some sort of walzer what are you what are you a vancer are you a vancer is gaffan around this week
00:54:35
Gaffin is always around no oh we should have told him to come on today let's try to get on next week he's great he's he's
00:54:41
funny I'll tell you one last inside baseball so we're sitting like in silos Maya does her thing this is in the uh
00:54:48
Family Feud bit and then I'm seeing her cards and seeing how she's making choices which is great the way she
00:54:54
jumped on things and stuff and then it's Andy doing his bit and I'm reading his cards and seeing that choice oh he
00:55:00
paused there oh he hit that and then same thing we and then then I talk to Andy afterwards he goes I'm reading your
00:55:07
cards and your choices make no sense but I'm doing Biden you know but they they like that you add a little bit they can't believe it they're like what what are you doing oh I want I want to
00:55:20
do more but the director lizes very nice and you got to get at that last line and sometimes the writers are kind of well
00:55:26
this is kind of what we have you know but I I definitely make up stuff on each one definitely sure but for people at
00:55:33
home sometimes the director will cut on your last line to the other camera to show someone if you keep going they cut
00:55:38
they're like oh wait we didn't you you have to do little ones in between and um you know Keenan who's a master of the
00:55:46
art form now of sketch comedy he does little things little tiny things that are different with every rehearsal dress
00:55:54
Show versus Air Show oh he's doing that he's doing that I think when you add and tag a little bit or do things different
00:55:59
just keeps you alive in the frame but everyone has their method you hit the jokes you try to hit the jokes and if
00:56:06
the jokes are WR sure by the writers you try to serve them as best you can well we're looking forward to that
00:56:14
I'll be in Atlantic City soon I'll be in Reno and I'll be in whatever it's on my website take
00:56:20
advantage until that's released get out there now it's not on till next year so we got a second to uh but I don't like
00:56:26
jokes sitting and rotting on you know they get stale after few months yeah true you got to get them
00:56:32
out okay that's it I don't hang up right thanks guys thanks thanks for listening
00:56:38
Watching God Bless America this has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade Jenna wife sperman of Odyssey Heather Santoro
00:56:51
and Greg Holtzman hope you liked it [Music]