00:00:01
h happy conclave Dana hey man right as we're coming on to air so-called So what at this moment they've selected a pope and he's
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going to come out on the on the thing and the guy is making the audience wait so first of all we know he's a
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procrastinator second of all total rumor total rumor that he wanted a bigger hat
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is there No yeah he had a bat and he goes "Is there a bigger hat?" And um bigger hat wow i heard I heard he was coming out because I heard y'all ready for this y'all ready for this hey by the
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way there is there's different types of people from all over the world African Philippines that are in the running so you know I put your name in just as kind
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of a joke but I I think you made it in the final 10 no listen i just heard them saying is it going to be progressive conservative or they said he they're
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also looking for a bit of charisma i was like are they though i've never really seen a pope that really jumps off the
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page i mean what are they looking for it's a subtle definition i think charisma is the bar uh But it's great as
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a as a as a mature adult I as a kid I would judge pomp and circumstance look at this [ __ ] joke whether it's a country or flags or everything and now I kind of go "Yeah it's necessary it is
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what it is everyone dresses up it's like the inaugural thing." And you know it really is it looked like Lady Gaga in
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Brazil she got 1.8 million people i know wasn't that Was that incred half the crowd hated her which is weird that's a lot of hate i could tell you that a lot of them were there for me for God's sake
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did you ever see the comedy team Pomp and Circumstance in Vegas no it's not a real one is it yeah yeah pomp and
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Circumstance they played the Frontier Hotel I think in the in the I think they opened for Shields and Jarnell shields
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and Jarnell uhoh name drop alert [Laughter] that doesn't count sorry judges name drop no it doesn't count no not enough
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people knew who they were and Arnold did a robot i know they were back with Donnie
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Marie go ahead donnie and Marie yeah Donnie i noticed I was in Las Vegas City drop uh I was in Vegas and Donnie is
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going out without Marie thoughts donnie and Friends yeah that's a tough one because Donnie Marie was there that was a staple forever 20 20 years four shows a day i don't
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know how anyone does it i mean Carrot Top every time he's at he's at the He goes to the Stratosphere every day and
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just thinks of jumping up i just hangs out up there and just kidding i know Carrot Top no you know about Donnie
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Marie i don't know if you know this because a lot of people don't but she's a little bit country and he's a little
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bit rock and roll that's I'm a little bit country i'm a little bit rock and roll that's That's their hit i didn't even know they have another one rocking rock and country okay here's a name drop
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mhm and now we're just mentioning this every second supposed to be a surprise sorry supposed to be a funny bit editing
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capability it'll be funny i got a little excited so um I got signed to an NBC holding deal in 1980 i'll make this quick and one of the first jobs I got was to be a reoccurring regular on the
00:03:36
Marie Osman variety show so I that was my thing before SNL actually Gavin Mloud was the guest host but anyway Marie's on stage and I come out like I'm the
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janitor and I interrupt her this is a big TV studio the audience what they brainstorm for you after seeing your act
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this would be funny i interrupt her i had a whole new deal with NBC ridiculous but anyway I said "Hi we're friends we'd
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like to get a cup of coffee." And Mormons don't drink coffee so the shut tape start again don't ever mention
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folders in this place oh my god you were you ad living i was ad living but I will
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say this she was absolutely adorable delightful the only thing that happened that a little weird she did a duet with Jeff Conway from Taxi God rest his soul
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but they stopped singing and then they kissed and kept holding the kiss so all the Osmans came from I didn't know there was 45 Osman coming out maria Maria
00:04:39
Maria so that's my story about Marie Osman but if I remember that I was watching and I was with my mom and I was a little kid and I'm like "They're kissing." And then I go "Now they're soaking it was in tape and burping it's
00:04:52
probably on six months later." I called [ __ ] on that you did no we were in the audience and I go "Why are they
00:04:59
soaking?" You know what that is Dana it's a I It's a thing it's a thing we're going to look
00:05:06
up later and you're not going to like it i know it's not good i know it's I know it's naughty and it's not nice no Dana
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stay innocent that's why I like you because you're innocent and sweet and you don't know about soaking i hate all these new things we had stuff like that
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the guy's a spaz or this and that or they're get they're getting down you know now it's like they're doing a
00:05:26
spoozle i don't The worst thing we had was finger blast by the way this Don't don't buy the way me on that one i throw that I throw that in by the way the noise you hear out front is someone
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obviously no one cares about construction i'm building a third pantry it's also going to be a safe house i'm going to go in there i'll eat crackers i'll
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hold on i know you're joking cuz that's your stock and trade but I love safe houses jerry Brookheimr once I went to a beach his beach house once he goes "You want to see it see what the safe house."
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And it was awesome it was in the bathroom but it's just [ __ ] sand castle so I think you should his sand
00:06:10
castle but no starfish ever penetrated the exterior he had it in Malibu on the beach in his house it was just like "So there's alarms what do you do stand your ground get a gun you go in the safe
00:06:23
house it's impenetrable you call you have orurves you put a pizza in the oven." So the the one thing I did see
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because Brad Pitt had a I pause for the name drop but had a uh had a party once and his door this is where I get this idea to his bedroom this is personal I guess but this is so smart instead of a
00:06:45
safe house he had the doors were sort of made of steel like very heavy doors and
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then a bar across them when you go to sleep at night and so that's what I do no joke because no joke now if someone
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comes in I don't get as scared cuz I go they still have to get in here and they can't and so I get I've got a couple you
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know sh next to the bed so it will be they will be uh hit up if they come in but it's ah the price of fame i know i think you think you're famous if you start thinking about safe houses yeah um
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I won't say a location but where I am um is this your safe house well we don't lock the doors at night oh where you live yes we don't lock the doors although I
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insisted on having a lock on that door because it still goes through your head the last thing I There's a lot of things you don't want in life you don't want to be audited you don't want to get a
00:07:43
whatever but you never want to wake up and see someone you don't recognize standing at the foot of your bed looking at you the most I had before this was those circle uh doorork knobs with a
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little push button in it like and then that means it's locked right but I guess those are easy to penetrate so uh anyway
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I'll get back first of all this conclave traffic around my house is crazy today and you know what i hope it starts
00:08:08
because you were you were in the top 10 yeah because I was Yeah just in general that sounds like a Kevin Ean joke guys this conclave traffic but they're they're building next to me they've
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built on I've got a little skinny street in this crummy ass neighborhood and they they start putting a green fence on
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every house and I go oh no no no that means green fence equals two years of building trucks beep beep this hidden
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you know truck they have a big drill bit today they're putting casings in anyway poor me poor me um other than that I
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have to go over a few things with you I I have I have a few things too we have a lot of stuff let's start with you but
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I've got we'll go back and forth if the pope Uh Paula is gonna my wife Paula is going to text me if the Pope comes out so
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we'll be able to at least uh what if we went live that would be fun we watch it yeah we could at least you could text it
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live or Heather could Superfly uh congratulates the new pope Triny Lopez Jr right may you know what we should ask every pope that's in the running to be
00:09:11
on right now on Superfly and they'll be you know flattered and then if the one that wins I go "You already said yes you're
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coming." Uh-uh that's a good strategy isn't it right we'll be the very first to invite
00:09:25
him to our podcast okay let's do that when I get the message we'll get the name have Heather blast it out since
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we're we're working yeah i'll DM him and we'll say I'll say "Hey man don't try to
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big time us now that you're pope when you were bishop you were like dealable but now I don't can I say this for reals
00:09:42
without any background on it cardinal Shaun Ali is a personal friend of mine and he's there he's on TV he's a Cardinal um right and he's And what does
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that mean what ranking is that there's about 135 cardinals and they're kind of like usually that's where they they pick
00:10:01
a pope from the cardinals usually you're a cardinal next up is the pope what's a
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bishop a bishop uh well king the knights one what are we playing chess jesus Christ what's a rook um I'm not sure the whole thing i mean there's Franciscans
00:10:17
there's bishops it's a It's a global ecosystem of provinces and things you being a lapsed Presbyterian wouldn't know what's with the raspberry i just
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think it's funny that that was a description of me uh okay in movie news two things first one I did go see The
00:10:39
Accountant with Ben Affleck okay i I can tell you it's The Count two yes uh Twice the Guns Twice the Autism i don't know if you know the uh the uh
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theme of the account he's He's kind of on the spectrum yeah and he's uh he's not on it he's he's in
00:10:59
the middle of it now spectrum yeah because I think he upped it a bit in this one cuz the first one it took me about 20 minutes to go he's
00:11:06
moving a little stiff like I whatever choices were like this is what this means took it a little Rainmany yeah
00:11:13
yeah like hey you want my lunch bag and he pulls it away and you're like okay something's moving but then now he's
00:11:18
real he's barely functioning but it's it's actually a good movie i'll say that he's a nice He's a nice guy i'll just
00:11:25
say real quickly i've met I do like Ben Affleck i've met Ben Affleck i don't you're waiting we got to put these sound effects in we drop a name
00:11:35
that's what we're doing this is funny okay you'll see it later and you you'll be like "Oh my god that's truth i did
00:11:41
meet him he's a hell of a nice guy." Go ahead i do not know him well but I do like him okay so the other thing was we
00:11:48
have Jack Black on our sister podcast right now i loved hanging out with Jack Black on and Jack Black you talked to him about his movie you talked to him and you were predicting numbers and I
00:12:00
have some numbers for you oh good good because I think I blew his m blew his mind and then he predicted several
00:12:07
hundred million below me or that was his hope so what are the current numbers it's still creeping up i think you
00:12:14
said locally domestically maybe 300 and then international total would be a billion that's what you were hoping that's what I said international I said he said impossible i guaranteed
00:12:26
him that he was hoping for 700 international which is a phenomenally huge number US the whole world 700 I told him by any way shape or form yeah great he is at 400 locally domestically
00:12:41
he's at 480 international for a total of 880 so he's already past his he's getting very close to Dana's prediction and I can't see him not getting there I
00:12:54
think it's going to have after it jack Black is a winner he uh he doesn't go down for nobody man so that guy's going to cuz that's a billion dollar talent right there jack Black
00:13:07
listen this uh he's been on the map and these are little game changers i mean they're very few in the movie biz i
00:13:14
think uh Nikki Glazer had a good one you know you've been in the business for a long time she goes out and does the
00:13:20
roast jacks her through the roof and then she does the Golden Globes crushes it even even more uh I see I see the
00:13:28
theater she's playing and then instead of one night she doing three nights it's like filling them all up it's great uh
00:13:34
it's it's it's fun we're mature adults and we we love our younger friends and when they go on that journey you know you see it happening with Nikki it's it's it's delightful but what Nikki's
00:13:45
like my granddaughter well I that's a cute little girl I'll tell you no but what can we go on and crush so we can play stadiums no you never know i think just longevity is a very tough thing to
00:14:00
do and it doesn't mess with your head as much you just scratching and scraping to stay somewhat in show business chris
00:14:08
Rock always says there's another one wisdom alert wisdom alert cuz when Chris Rock says Spade the Wrong Missy is one of the biggest hits ever on Netflix and
00:14:20
I said I can't believe it he goes "It will buy you 6 months in show business." That's it then they go "Where's the next
00:14:28
one?" So that's the that's the world everyone's facing so it's very tough but we have some friends they're doing great and uh it is hard to keep keep clinging on nate Burggatsi was on our podcast on
00:14:40
the role Nikki Glazer uh Bert Chrysner we had Thompson i will tell you I did see Nate on my trip i just took a trip to do uh some talk shows
00:14:51
you can't hear this beeping behind me I hope um and do you really hear it yeah why because it's in my living room these people heather go out there and throw rocks at him again it's every hour on
00:15:04
the hour wind up this time go ahead m80s half sticks so oh oh I'm on my I'm on my
00:15:12
plane and I'm talking to Heather and then when I finish talking politely I get a little tug it's Halleberry halle
00:15:18
Berry who we all love of course everyone universally loves Halle B and she always
00:15:25
throws me crumb and talks to me if I run into her she was on her way to the Met and then the Can Film Festival where she
00:15:31
was going to be a jurer or it's a tough word jurer a jurer yeah she's going to be a juror oh not not in Los Angeles County at at con yeah yeah con she's
00:15:43
going to be a juror no she's not she's not on the Menendez case she's in France three times in a row fast go jer got it
00:15:52
how about Jur is it the O jor uh Jurer i think it's Jor jer jurer jurer i like just Jer it's like Benhur your honor this Jurer here
00:16:10
can Jurer number one stand up this truck i don't even know if this truck can go forward you hear the beeps listen all I'm saying is you wear are you wearing protective gear cuz I'm
00:16:21
seeing a Mac just coming into the frame coming through this green wall they're coming through that wall okay in other
00:16:27
news I will tell you uh I was on Theo's podcast and I wanted to apologize cuz he
00:16:33
said a funny joke we were promoting the Amazon special that's on right now theo does a lot of funny but they're not really jokes they're like Theo no he does funny statements yes
00:16:45
uh I think we were just discussing that his uh third grade teacher was an ocelot
00:16:51
that had no ribs and uh but anyway he did a joke and in the YouTube comments they go "Hey you missed Theo's joke and now I heard it i don't you know we talk
00:17:02
sometimes we talk over each other right i did hear and tell me if you don't think this is a good one." Okay colin
00:17:08
Kaepernick came up and he goes "Uh more like Throws of Parks." Throws a parks is 10 out of 10 in my estimation and I didn't even hear it no that's a great pun people don't
00:17:24
Kaepernick was a great quarterback and Rosa Parks rode on a bus Rosa Parks in the 1950s to just to play segregation both with the African-American movement
00:17:37
and both pushing that's a brilliant punt isn't that just out of the blue I was like "Oh my god." And I missed it anyway
00:17:44
apologies to Theo uh that and that's it i did Kelly and uh Regis and uh Kathy Lee and um I want to I want to go is where's Regis
00:17:58
would they get mad if I wanted to go where's Reges anyway you ready for this this is This is Regis Filman as an
00:18:05
astronaut houston can you believe it i'm out of control i love Regis i miss Regis i'm talking to ground control i walked out of that show
00:18:17
and went out to in New York City and all the construction guys going "Hey yo Regis just me and Regis sunny beautiful
00:18:24
New York day hey Regis." He goes "Can you believe it they love me kid i can't believe it everybody here loves the
00:18:30
Regis i'm telling you they really do trump so people know it is a little Trumpy but I like it i like I Yes it's a little Trumpy." That's the
00:18:41
problem is that when I first learned Trump I went from Brando to Regis that's how I got it
00:18:48
but if you're picturing each one it all works totally and it's fine yeah you You're brilliant i honestly No joke okay
00:18:55
so that and uh No those are alert oh y'all y'all you got a lot of compliments on the Larry David on Fly on the Wall where you were doing a lot of impressions and and just saying funny
00:19:06
things and Larry was having crack up literally did this is the way and I said another thing bill her and Conan told
00:19:14
were on their podcast Conan's podcast talking about how they do some of my off label bits for for uh which I thought
00:19:20
was flattering i didn't mind at all thought it was great so I said I'll do it for him and then I met a human being cuz Larry David you know I didn't know
00:19:28
him really i met him once at a club but you see him on Curb and he's actually he's not that guy exactly that is sort of maybe who he wants to be but I never
00:19:39
met anyone with that kind of sense of humor we I mean I wish we had video on it or Heather took a little video so
00:19:45
that's why I said "Oh he cuz his whole thing is never say yes when you're going to go on talk shows why am I here never say yes." And it's kind of a joke but sort real so that was fun making them
00:19:57
yeah i think when he sat down and I said "Larry I know you don't want to be here we don't want you here but let's just do
00:20:02
this." And we don't want to be here yeah we all don't want to be here let's just do and he was uh quite funny quite loose
00:20:10
for being a big star with a lot of money he was really giving up laughs and that's all I mean has no ego the only
00:20:16
two things I want says funny things when was the first time you knew this is how you were going to make a living cuz I
00:20:22
don't think he started standup till he was 30 we missed that and all the frivolity and then I was just curious
00:20:27
like what does he consume like movies books television you know cuz Jerry you did you watch movies no no he laughed so hard he liked your Jerry yeah yeah yeah
00:20:38
well because there's just one word but anyway but anyway okay well anything else and then we'll get to some stupid
00:20:45
clips that we show [Music] dane I'm a little bit of a a spendy Suzie if you know what I mean a a boozy Suzie and a spendy Suzie i'm more of a
00:21:02
boozy Susie but yeah yeah you are you are a spendy spender yeah and a lot of our uh listeners are nice enough to
00:21:07
write in and say you look like you drank a lot and slept on your face but that's just constructive criticism well it's
00:21:14
very concise and uh you don't really drink very much i'll tell the fans but just puffy uh this is where Clara comes in cla is your everyday smarter spending
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1353190 clara balance account required clara may get a commission limitations terms and conditions apply i'm just going to do I'm just going to say it
00:22:39
it's a CLA summer um let's see i have Well this I just have to do because it's I think it's Trump outdid himself with his funniness this week he's at a
00:22:51
because you know I don't always report on him because it's not you know how do you top how does Trump top Trump so then
00:22:57
he goes off on Alcatraz because he wants to it's a tourist attraction in 1963 and he's just going on and on you know they can't escape and everybody loves Alcatraz it's a tough place I'll tell
00:23:09
you that Alapo there he is Clint Eastwood was the only one to escape many people don't know this but you know Paul Newman escaped Koulan Luke remember that they had it But we're going to bring it
00:23:21
back we're going to bring back Alcatraz it's And then he said something like "It's scary it's a scary place law and
00:23:27
order it's also sort of a weird place it's a It's a weak place in many ways." I I didn't even know what he was talking
00:23:34
about what is he talking about it's a weak place it's a strong place we're going to make it bigger and more
00:23:39
beautiful than ever and he started just talking about the only guy trying to escape they This is the exact quote they
00:23:45
found his clothes and they were all torn up and there were a lot of shark bites there were shark bites oh they bite you
00:23:51
with the I didn't know what that meant the guy tried to escape they found his tattered clothes and they found shark
00:23:56
bites on the clothes yeah he got eaten and the shark shark clothes floated to the shore actually show that picture again because when you look at the people that
00:24:08
were in there or tried to escape one of them is Machine Gun Kelly and everyone thinks it's the rapper and they're like
00:24:14
"No that's that name was taken from uh someone else named M there was a real machine gun Kelly right right a real
00:24:20
machine gun Kelly Al Capone they all went in there they all tried to escape but there were a lot it was in the
00:24:26
comments on the side but you know it's okay i get it i had a flight to fancy after I because I was thinking Biden to
00:24:33
to Trump forget politics just stylistically it's been a a little exciting for everybody so the way
00:24:39
America goes it goes like this that's why Jimmy Carter followed Nixon so the next president is going to be the most
00:24:46
benign and this is what I've called him this is my impression of our next president i'm Brian i'm President Brian
00:24:56
listen to the calm of my voice feels good doesn't it i shall never mumble or scream i shall just be Brian nice president Brian now David breathe in the
00:25:10
Brian hold the Brian release the Brian this message pay for for AI Brian for president that is a little how yeah I'm President Brian i like it
00:25:23
because I think that might I don't think that'll happen i think that's there's some truthiness to that but it will he
00:25:29
met with the Canada guy did that go well i didn't even see it they said Canada guy it wasn't as bad as Zalinski he did
00:25:36
kept saying we're going to take it you know it'd be a great little state and the Canadian guy was very serious going
00:25:41
uh Canada's not for uh not for sale okay well never say never never say never you
00:25:48
know they it's like that with the ruler they put a big thing these are direct quotes across the border and it's a
00:25:53
beautiful shape and we could do it we're still going to do it and the guy's sitting there redfaced he's honoring
00:25:59
Canada he's representing Canada and Trump's just going "No we'll get you." It's like It's like uh that Robert
00:26:06
Redford movie where he where he tries to buy Woody Harelson's wife he's so rich and he's like "We're going to take your
00:26:12
wife." What was it called a decent proposal and he goes "What?" He goes "Oh she's not for sale." He goes "Yeah well
00:26:18
anyway I'm going to take her i'm going to give her a million dollars." And he's like "No no we have a great marriage."
00:26:23
And then she starts going "Well maybe for a million." And it's it gets all messy i'll tell you that i saw that movie it was depressing cuz Woody
00:26:30
Harelson's character was crying and sobbing all right here news flash in the middle of our podcast and I have one more thing no it's not it's not Conclave related is it oh it is new Pope Robert
00:26:42
Francis Pos p R E V O i just won American trump's going to be happy we got Pope what are they usually American
00:26:52
oh well you know they're Italian or they're Polish it'll be Pope Leo the 14th trump's going to love we got an American pope we're going to take over the Vatican we're going to remodel it we're
00:27:05
going to do a beautiful job we're going to make it US territory okay here's my final my final thing go ahead
00:27:16
bill Gates announced that this is the quote he or from Daily Mail he's snubbing his kids he's giving away 99% of his money he's snubbing the kids
00:27:30
but what's left in the 1% is 1.6 billion he has three kids they'll get 550 million each and that's and his oldest son said "Bunch of [ __ ] [ __ ]
00:27:43
man." Yeah why you trying to rap [ __ ] me bunch of [ __ ] 500 500 million dude i
00:27:49
can go to Coachella maybe once yes I can go to Airwan twice he has six private jets two Gulf Streams two Bombader challenges but he's
00:28:01
terrified of climate change so what he does is he he has a company called Direct Air Capture so they suck this
00:28:08
they suck the CO2 out of the sky first so I can fly jets anywhere I want my company sucks the C2O out of the sky it's they're investing in chemtrails
00:28:21
let's be honest i mean Oh yeah well listen bless his heart six jets i wish I wish well it's kind of like Al Gore is the original cuz he is like the pope of of climate change yeah and he you know
00:28:34
and he buys offsets i buy offsets on my private jet so they plant a tree and that sucks the the reporter said "Well can't you just fly Southwest and still pay to plant the
00:28:47
tree?" Yeah and he said quote "Well that doesn't sound like so much fun." Yeah it
00:28:54
does not i'm on Southwest it's not that fun i flew Southwest i kind of liked it i bring a tree to the private jet
00:29:00
airport and I go "Can I jump on if I hold this tree and it'll cancel each other out?" I carry a flower on the
00:29:06
private jet and swish it around anyway that's all I got for you today this has been Dana Talk this is with my guest
00:29:13
David Spade um myself i just muted myself you muted yourself i have been muted the whole time i hope okay more stories we got time we did good that's good we're doing
00:29:24
great um I'm having fun and that's all I go by you're doing great sweetie okay do you remember the Carol Bernett show
00:29:32
that's what I think uh Chris Jenner says you're doing great sweetie that's funny
00:29:37
uh this is Carol Bernett show which I grew up watching sitting in front of the TV as a little tikeke but this should be
00:29:45
what uh do you have a question Heather oh oh it's okay well I just want to let them know that you at some point oh what you should tell the your torn
00:29:57
story oh what is Tell your story oh yeah that's right i sent Greg the video oh we'll send show the video oh I I I'll tell the I'll do Kernette first talked about that yeah you're right i'll tell
00:30:09
Yeah you're right let's do that is funny so we'll quickly K Bernett's show was interesting because I don't think they
00:30:16
do it anymore they take questions so she took questions at the beginning you remember this and this lady has a great
00:30:21
delivery but you never know what you're getting i feel like this is all real back then like no one was a plant no and
00:30:29
they used to make her scream this Tarzan scream but other than that the question this is an interesting question I saw i
00:30:35
thought it was funny i thought you'd like it here we go soap do they use to clean the floor
00:30:42
[Applause] what kind of soap do they use to clean the floor the floor okay so Carol Bernett is So that's actually a good interesting question yeah very specific i think that's a
00:30:57
little personal good answer it's cute housewife they have vinyl cleaner vinyl cleaner do you
00:31:03
want to tell the lady what it is do you have a vinyl for at home you want to clean is that it yeah where is it in the
00:31:10
bathroom or the kitchen all over you have vinyl all over your house on the floor it's a great answer all right that was a
00:31:24
good That's cute right that's it that was cute yeah go ahead i've I've uh met Carol Bernett and I was doing the Larry Sanders
00:31:36
show and she was on Next and I was leaving and she came through the door we're in the side of the studio and it
00:31:42
was so flattering for me at that time it was a thrill she just put her arms out and said "Dana." It's always amazing
00:31:49
when your idols one of your idols knows your name weird i know i ran into her at
00:31:55
the Beverly Center and she said "Dana." That was what I was going to say oh yeah
00:32:01
well I jumped you sorry no it's funny she goes "Dana." And then she went up to the uh guy that runs the elevator and
00:32:07
goes "Dana." No she is a legend and uh that that term is thrown around and I I'll just say this for 30 seconds because we don't talk about her we'd love to have her on the podcast she still attack uh somebody
00:32:23
who gets Harvey Corman and Tim Conway as your sidekicks is very secure she was the reason the show was great is because she could share the stage and then be brilliant herself that's all and even
00:32:36
that her her doing this crowd work and laughing and someone says it like three jokes in a row and she just laughs at him well Tim Conway would just destroy them he'd have secret things planted for
00:32:47
the real kind of their in in the real Hollywood she would have him fired immediately
00:32:53
yeah anyone get the lens they they wouldn't come back after summer if they were getting you kill like that in front
00:32:58
of the star bye-bye yeah but she we can say you know Dick Van Djk I'd like to talk to on here too
00:33:05
sometime just to hear the whole history of his life he's he's sort of a um I watched uh uh what's it the Night at the Museum with Ben Ben yeah and Dick Van
00:33:18
Djk was in there with Mickey Rooney and they were hysterical especially Mickey Rooney and the movie is just holds up it's just a great fun idea ben Stiller
00:33:26
is so good at playing the reactive straight man that that then turns and gets kind of snarky that's a fun part if
00:33:32
you can do it right the straight man is very important and then he's really funny what are you gonna do you know he's got they they create a such an
00:33:40
underdog and then so it's a great And he does severance which is a whole different Well now he's turning into
00:33:45
Stanley Kubri or something you know he's directing so people [ __ ] Jesus we should have Ben back on and talk about
00:33:51
severance oh yeah we should talk about that you're right uh Ben okay so he's we got This is how we get guests mostly
00:33:56
it's just Yeah they go I just heard on the podcast so do you want me to come on we're like "Yeah." Uh all right what's
00:34:02
the next stupid story that's never cute and then I want to hear your road story oh yeah this is um Palm go ahead read it so this guy's a
00:34:13
Palm Springs career panhandler oh and he's good-looking so someone filmed him and
00:34:20
said "This guy should model." So someone contacted him and he said "I don't want to model leave me alone i want to do
00:34:27
this." So here's his story professional pan handler patrols the streets of Palm Springs he's going viral now for two reasons one for his chiseled good looks they say another for his bold and
00:34:39
shameless stance on the way he makes his money yeah that's Brad Love he describes himself as a career panandler he was
00:34:46
recently spotted by LA based photographer uh who suggested Brad go into modeling well Brad says he's not
00:34:53
homeless and he has no interest in modeling or any other kind of job he says he's had jobs he's even been a
00:35:00
nurse but asking for cash on the side of the road is just easier he also has a cash app account he advertises to his 20,000 Tik Tok followers it's not clear
00:35:11
how much Love makes on his street hustle but he did post a clip claiming he made about $260 in just a couple hours last
00:35:18
month well that's not going to set you up in Palm Springs i'm kind of calling that a little bit fuzzy like does he do
00:35:25
it eight hours a day does he live on the street i mean how does he afford his apartment and everything he must be
00:35:30
getting more than that well just in a couple hours what pan handler has a a Tik Tok what is it tik Tok what does he
00:35:36
have 20,000 followers and a cash app so what happens is sometimes people will put in their
00:35:43
Instagram bio cash app in case you want to give me money to help me pursue my dreams of
00:35:50
being a he seems like a nice young man let me get my phone here all right all right what's his name again no one stops me from modeling what are you going to give him how much
00:36:02
oh [ __ ] i slipped with the zeros 100,000 just went No Mana i know look at me you
00:36:09
don't say "Oh Dana I'm the one who lost the money." No well what about He did He did look like sort of Johnny Depp first
00:36:15
year jump street well he's got a $700 haircut that swoops down on his you know so I don't know he is dreamy smells like poop but dreamy all right so okay here's
00:36:26
the story of my uh my new tour manager so uh when I'm in New York I say "Hey I'm promoting the uh Dandelion onion Amazon my my special." Yeah mhm so it
00:36:38
was coming out that day so I said "Hey guys," we'll show the video but I go "Here's my new Do you have the video?"
00:36:45
If you have it hey guys David Spade i'm uh got a new special on Amazon starts tonight i got a new tour david Spade.com
00:36:52
here's my new tour manager Billy we worked really hard on the special i can't leave New York therefore
00:36:59
I am the best person ever to lead an international tour that's right mexico here we come don't kill me we can't go
00:37:05
there stop free cheese sandwiches [Applause] okay so this is good we put that on
00:37:12
because this is the guy from the fire festival that we've talked about he did the one fire festival years ago i didn't
00:37:19
re I knew he was look familiar right so he does it years ago obviously it's a catastrophe they gave away cheese sandwiches there was not what everyone advertised they paid all these models a
00:37:30
million dollar you know millions everyone got a lot of money a great documentary because it's such a [ __ ] show right so he comes out of jail he
00:37:37
does it again fire festival 2 i think we talked about it hyped it up hype it up i think packages are up to a million they
00:37:44
had no lineup at this point you know it's just like I think it's like the cart before the horse they get the money
00:37:51
then they can pay the Yeah whatever right right that's sort of like a reverse Ponzi scheme or something like
00:37:57
that right little maid off whatever anyway he's trying to do it he's working with some people put it together again
00:38:03
they check with Mexico mexico cities are like "We have no idea what's going This is there's no permits." So it starts to
00:38:10
fall apart again so I thought "Oh it'd be funny if I got that guy as my tour manager because obviously he's not maybe
00:38:17
the best for the job." Right right so we shake him out of the brush and he comes
00:38:22
out as a joke to be funny and says he'll do this so then I think everyone will think it's a
00:38:30
joke and then nobody did they go "Oh this guy's your why would you pick this guy he doesn't He's collapsed too." Let
00:38:37
me ask you a question did I see it correctly i mean does everyone who see that guy is he that recognizable that
00:38:43
they knew it was the fire well that's true i put at the bottom Firefest 3 and then I put Okay uh I put his tag and then I put cheese sandwich and Mexico is
00:38:54
where we see like you almost should have introduced him and said that he you know just did the but honestly it slipped
00:39:02
through the cracks because TMZ hit my PR and said hey Spade hired this guy you know he's not great at this but we're going to run this story i'm like no I didn't I know I should have
00:39:15
said anything but you thought it was real yeah I should have said I'm not at liberty to say I really don't want to
00:39:22
discuss it right now right i thought they would put it up and just say it was a joke because the guy keeps asked
00:39:29
getting asked to be on talk shows he won't talk to anyone but then he's like "Yeah I'll come do it." So he was very
00:39:34
funny to do that even though obviously people some were mad that I did it with him of course let me talk to the fans
00:39:39
for just a second because I'm looking at you now you know he should have mentioned the guy was from the fire
00:39:44
festival would have gone viral but he he didn't so back to the podcast i know i have to say hey I recognized him he was about two feet taller than I thought he'd be but uh I recognized him and I
00:39:58
put Firefest three on there but all right let me talk to the fans for a second okay real quick i won't listen so
00:40:04
anyway I I take it back it was a good video he's touring SP specialist Danny Lime but still it should have said Fry
00:40:11
Festival guy or whatever but David didn't do that let me I'll be back to you let me go back to the podcast so
00:40:18
Dana listen you win is enough no it's good i like that when you talk to the crowd you can talk to the crowd you're
00:40:24
No your camera's too far away can you look at the in the lens oh there you go maybe maybe don't get that close i know it's a little rough i don't think I even need this light Heather but next time
00:40:36
we'll talk about it makes my forehead too bright 1% oh [ __ ] god someone step on your tail
00:40:45
frustrated assistant for 900 Bob yeah I just heard get [ __ ] well 1% is 1% how how low could she go she's like by the way David
00:40:58
when we do these long super you can put on sunglasses you can you know Bill Maher when Billy Maher my buddy William Maher he'll wear these indoor outdoor
00:41:08
sunglasses on his you know club random thing so you can wear those and then they could put the lights a little
00:41:14
brighter i do but you know sometimes the the brighter light isn't the better because it makes my forehead bright
00:41:20
because I'm going to paint this blue behind me and put a shelf and so we're going to see some real [ __ ] upgrades people are going to be like "Holy shit."
00:41:26
No I have a curtain kind of mostly closed too much light's not good either anyway well it's all going to be in my
00:41:34
special light light lights on how about Mine's going to be called lights camera not that much action about my sex life uh okay let's
00:41:46
show one more no a couple more stories we got [Music] time hey when investing your money starts to feel like a second job Betterment steps in with a little work
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with Betterment get started at betterment.com that's b e t er m- n t.com investing involves a risk performance not guaranteed so stabbing
00:42:49
cabin came from the 1940s is that seems like something Spencer Tracy and and Kate I'll meet you at the Stabin Cabin i don't think she would say it was more of
00:43:00
an agent uh at William Morris about 15 years ago said I live I'm married i live in Malibu but I also have a stabbing cabin in town well did you ever see the movie The Apartment with Jack Lemon and
00:43:13
Shirley Mlan no I'm young okay it's exactly about that it's so out for its time could never work in 2025 but they have this apartment and they rotate all
00:43:25
the guys that work rotate and then that's their sort of rendevous point with someone not rendevous i like how
00:43:30
you water it down good job yeah I like that rendevous by the way my mom saw my special i I was
00:43:38
not warned she goes "Oh I woke up i watch Jimmy Fallon they bleeped something." First of all I don't know
00:43:43
that was either on Kelly Ripper or Jimmy they bleeped something heather do you even know what that would have been and then maybe when I was talking about Bill
00:43:49
Bich but then uh and then we uh then she goes "I watched a special." I go "Mom relax pace it out." And she said "Okay
00:43:56
oh it's so fun." She's laughing she of course in full disclosure she's a great audience i can do no wrong oh I love
00:44:04
just that phrase it's so fun oh it's fun you're doing fun stuff about fun things
00:44:10
so I said "Great." And then she goes "Oh I just got to the part you knew I wouldn't like this you knew I didn't
00:44:16
like it." A little naughty below the waist toward the end i go "Oh yeah that's I didn't Was it a self-pleasuring
00:44:23
joke or a um It was I think it's just basically the setup is something like it's getting hard do you find it's getting hard to watch porn on an airplane oh right yeah it's not
00:44:36
impossible it's just It's just a little trickier yeah it's a funny setup right i mean I guess uh but
00:44:45
I mean I guess crushing laughs and applause but Well no it's a the premise is very funny i'm sure you worked really
00:44:52
hard to follow it up with actual jokes yeah I did the jokes are about porn which is where I lost her but oh Dave you don't need that oh but my takeaway
00:45:05
from this entire podcast knowing you and your mom's relationship and everything and how sweet she is her going "It's so
00:45:12
fun." Oh I mean that is so sweet i mean when I come to town I go she goes "What happened?" I go "I land at the airport." She goes "Oh fun." Oh fun right then I go "I rented a car i was on the I got on
00:45:24
the 10." And she goes "Oh fun." I go "What what's fun?" The the freeway it just sounds like a fun thing because you're on a journey and you're going to do something fun fun is her
00:45:35
word it is it is it's great and then anybody she meets oh she's fun oh you'd like her oh it's very fun oh she's a fun
00:45:42
cookie she's a smart cookie she lives in the greater Phoenix metro area david Spades a child and she's got a lot of fun to say no I mean um your next is
00:45:54
called fun exclamation point fun exclamation point fun exclamation point yes I will talk about my mom i will tell
00:46:01
things about how she gets on Facebook so much that when there's an ad for 3day blinds and it says like 30% off this weekend she comments "Ooh that sounds
00:46:12
good." I go "Mom are you commenting on a commercial on an ad i don't even know if you can do that." Yeah it sounds like a
00:46:18
good deal just getting the word out it's everything in life like they just the the restaurant decided to comp you this
00:46:25
elaborate dessert ooh that looks fun that looks so good she's the most positive person in the world so how how do we explain you she takes pictures she
00:46:37
takes pictures at dinner we sit down she goes "Oh it's the whole family take a picture go." And it's like "We're sitting down and she's like," and then
00:46:44
I'm like "Mom let's just get settled we'll get a waiter over here." I go I get a notice oh my god you already
00:46:49
posted this on Facebook yeah it's a good one i go "Mom we're not even in focus it's all blurs and shapes." She goes "I know." I go "You have to run it by us before you post it." She goes "No."
00:47:01
She's like a human Labrador retriever she just "No she won't." She goes "No I'm not." Will she come on this podcast
00:47:08
just for minutes she's super sweet she loves you she'll do it for you have her just come on well I'll she she looks
00:47:16
incredible i can send her some of my fancy pants lights she always goes "Oh I'm laughing at the podcast." And Dana
00:47:22
oh the dogs are laughing everyone loves it that's funny how the parents are like
00:47:28
very sweet yeah they always oh that David Spade let me tell you they don't say whether it's good or bad but they go
00:47:35
"Oh that David Spade now." They go they go "He's a real piece of work." What does that mean
00:47:41
he's a real character oh yeah i mean sounds negative you know David Spade his special just came out he could be a dandy he's a real dandy i'm going out filming dandelions
00:47:54
you know I realize you say sorry is it right now okay i'll watch it as soon as you think well I'm going to watch it as No you saw basically this podcast the
00:48:06
last corporate we did that was a lot of it well minus the dirty yeah but I don't go
00:48:13
out in the audience so I'm kind of in the where it's all I hear you hear me act like this no but what I hear is and
00:48:20
then I hear big laugh then I hear then I hear kind of a little laugh and then I hear I hear you go and then a brief laugh then I hear
00:48:33
this beep beep beep you're like "No he's doing a sound effects joke." Then I hear this very clearly at the end sorry
00:48:40
that's all I got good night i'm sorry and now the guy you came to see Dana no I opened for you in Indianapolis and then No you opened for me in Indianapolis and that wasn't easy and
00:48:53
then I opened for you in India it was great both great shows i had a blast we got to do more of those they're fun it's fun to have your friend do it that
00:49:04
would be you and then you don't have to do 75 i did a um a casino whoops sold out how'd that get out but uh they said they wanted I know
00:49:16
which one you're talking about they wanted 75 and so when you go in the when you go in the Hinderland it's like 20
00:49:22
miles west of Salem Oregon you very appreciative yeah you've been there you get a very appreciative incredible crowd because you're the only show in town so
00:49:35
yes you and some hieroglyphics but I've been to that one it's very good audience it's just a little bit of a hike but you
00:49:41
get out there and it's once you're out there it's fun spirit Spirit Mountain Casino i thought it was Table Mountain
00:49:46
was it well there's there's a lot of Native American casinos that want to hire us yes and they're great uh great i
00:49:54
think Do you But do you ever bring an opener um sometimes this time I didn't because
00:50:01
I So you have to fill the whole time well on the sheet it said show length 60 minutes you get a little rundown for when you do these gigs folks white sheet says set length 60 show length 75 so I
00:50:16
go wait a minute so they're bring they're providing a local opener from Salem but no actually set length 75 so I
00:50:25
did 7430 i just lucked out i did everything I had 7430 did you really i looked down and I go "Ah timed it out." Well when you know you have 75 you kind of embellish you don't rush you just
00:50:38
take your time usually show lengths on the road for theater stuff are an hour and a half so you have people do time i
00:50:45
have one or two openers i do time but I usually do an hour but when I do corporates 45 is plenty 45 is good i
00:50:54
actually did a private party and I did 50 i played in front of a waterfall and no one in the audience was within 100
00:51:01
feet of me it was It's so funny i know and they were really nice but it's like they don't really This is not like ideal but this happened to me just because I I'm
00:51:13
uh I'm I'm a child of the 50s so I'm just doing my set i'm kind of being animated because they're really I'm just
00:51:20
tagging stuff because they're such a hot audience and then I got a stabbing pain in my inner thigh and I like I couldn't
00:51:26
really walk for a bit and I had to kind of fake it and kind of work it out do you ever just Yeah it's really weird
00:51:33
when you're about to go on one time I was choking on some celery backstage right before I went on literally stuck
00:51:39
stuck in my throat not choking but like I can't swallow i've had stuff drives you nuts i had an eyelash in my eye
00:51:44
right before I go on and you're like "These are the little things in life you just take care of it." But you can't do anything you can't pee you have to be
00:51:50
funny if you [ __ ] stop for five seconds I'm like "What's wrong what is he doing?" Yeah i was right in the wings
00:51:58
at Cobb's Comedy Pub in um Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco 450 seater waiting
00:52:05
to go on i talking to someone and I bit my tongue and I and I'm bleeding profusely as I hear ladies and gentlemen you know him from Saturday Night Live live Glenn Fararfo you know and I'm
00:52:18
coming out i'm just swallowing blood for about 20 minutes till it coagulated yeah coag you know him from his podcast
00:52:25
whatever it's called his mouth is bleeding he has a temperature of 104 and he can't feel his feet let's bring him
00:52:33
out you know him and you love him and does anyone have a tourniquet he just had a knee replaced and his shoulder is is made of silicone david Spade david
00:52:43
Spade he's high as a kite on Viking and here he comes david Spade he can only see out of one eye and his hearing ain't
00:52:51
very good either let's check him out some lucky front row customer is gonna get a coughed up piece of celery in
00:52:57
about 10 minutes david Spade he's under underprepared he doesn't have an axe and
00:53:03
he has no short-term memory let's bring him out he's bleeding from the back of his neck
00:53:10
get ready to hear every joke three times he just got stabbed let's bring him out david
00:53:17
Spade you know him you don't know why you love him and here he actually Katherine introduces me she goes "You
00:53:25
know him from the wrong Missy and Joe Dirt and Grown-Ups." And if you don't you're in the wrong place that's not bad that's not bad right they had me they
00:53:35
call it the voice of God so you have a mic on stage they go "Do you want to do it?" So I had to do it for myself god
00:53:41
you're a one-man band so it was all Yeah no one ladies and gentlemen yeah i just
00:53:46
said "He's not very good keep your expectations low this next guy yeah just had a Well I have to ask because it's when you first said it really a celery
00:54:00
stick right i have celery backstage with like a veggie tray it kind of can get in
00:54:05
your And I chew it up and it gets a little stringy whatever it gets stuck that's twice that's happened and I'm
00:54:11
like "No celery before I go on." Nothing you shouldn't eat one thing you shouldn't eat anything i mean one thing I've done lately is I'll just have a
00:54:17
little bite of Hershey's chocolate just because the energy but I used to do this thing i'd get a craving for corn on the
00:54:25
cob with a lot of butter and I'd be eating that in the wings corn and the cob and I would come out with cob and
00:54:31
corn just like all over my teeth and finally one of the club owners said "Dude you shouldn't have the corn and
00:54:37
the cob before you go out." I mean David Spade was in here last week just chewing on celery and two people vomited in the
00:54:43
front row no one could understand him how many times have you pooped your pants on stage roughly mean recently
00:54:52
poop my pants on you made me actually consider I have one time because you get one time in Dallas i got sort of a panic attack well I did
00:55:03
no I didn't do number two on stage i have had uh some warnings but I didn't Nothing
00:55:09
ever happened but when I was in Dallas about 2 years ago I was on and I was I started to get a panic attack weird
00:55:16
right at the beginning of the tour I'm looking out or anything beforehand i think I did yeah and I was like going
00:55:22
and I start looking around going and you and anytime you're thinking of anything other than your act like I don't want to
00:55:27
connect eyes with the audience i kind of because you're thinking of so many things and you're evaluating how it's
00:55:33
going and then you're like I want to jump to that joke on my set list i shouldn't do that one they won't buy that you got to jump so there's a lot going on but when you stop I stop and I
00:55:40
go "Oh my god what if I freak out?" I start to get like panicky and I look over to see if Bobby's there and I'm
00:55:45
like "What would I do walk off and try to calm down?" It's terrifying that's the weird part and of course we're very
00:55:52
blessed and lucky to do this for a living but there are tales about it because the the show must go on and I
00:55:59
always say "Well maybe the show doesn't have to go on maybe the show sucks." But
00:56:04
the other night one of my gigs yeah i don't drink Coca-Cola in life but I do drink a little bit of Coca-Cola before I go out same thing with chocolate just to get up to wake up yeah but the show's delayed so I'm drinking Coke and I'm
00:56:17
drinking more Coke i'm a little amped up and then suddenly I start to feel hypoglycemic and a little lightaded and
00:56:23
I thought you're thinking where is this going like is if this keeps extenduating
00:56:30
and you scare yourself yeah and then I may not be able to go on you know so but then I I just shook it off like a man
00:56:37
you took a poop in your pants and you got up there like a good performer well did you ever poop your pants in grade
00:56:43
school i'm sure you did many times i listen to this i told an legitimate friend of mine Mhm
00:56:50
who said driving my house after lunch he goes "Oh my god I didn't like that place." I go "You didn't i thought it
00:56:55
was pretty good." "No." He goes "I [ __ ] my pants on the way home." I go "I'm sorry aren't you 44 years old?" And he
00:57:01
go was not surprised and I go "Have you ever done that before?" And he goes "Probably about once a month." I go "I'm
00:57:07
sorry what?" I think you should get some medical attention i'm sorry what like you said did you ever in
00:57:14
fourth grade i'm like racking my brain maybe I sort of have a handle on it since then i don't love it sometimes
00:57:22
it's a close call when you turn nine you were Yeah I go I got it yeah I got it i don't pee my Say this on the podcast
00:57:28
before uh car trips with my dad the whole family seven of us in the station wagon christ Dana oh Jesus Christ and he
00:57:36
was going to Zephr he'd call it Zephyr we tried to get to Wintermuck Nevada from San Francisco Bay Area oh we're
00:57:43
going to Zephr so if we'd stop at like you know Sambo's pancakes or something he'd finish and just leave so he didn't
00:57:50
have time to go to the bathroom and then he wouldn't stop oh I kind of could go to the bathroom we're going to Pocutello
00:57:55
or something oh Jesus Christ what's Zephr mean zephr means just go fast don't no lolly gang and by the way is
00:58:03
that a monster or still construction i think we're going to wrap up because they're breaking into my house hey
00:58:09
that's a cliffhanger i'll tell you about the poop pants thing next week on next week on Superfly you know I have a Zlex
00:58:16
skateboard on my wall an old one from the 70s Jay Adams and it's also called a Zephyr and I never even knew that word i
00:58:23
think it's speed or or so it makes sense for a skateboard yeah but uh Well I'm President Brian relax enjoy the podcast
00:58:37
i'm Brian president Brian breathe in the Don't be mad at me i like I like it i like it and um the audience can't get mad at you because you're very calm and cool you don't flip
00:58:48
out well we tend to go like this and that with presidents and it was maybe a flimsy premise but I'll be curious no I like it because Biden was underground not coming out a lot trump is out there
00:59:00
all the time i was wondering when you were just talking about this uh Canada guy coming out I think is that's what
00:59:06
they call him he's his name is Canada guy is it is it Carson what is it yeah something like it's Carson no I don't know it's a prime minister of Canada is a prime minister okay so he I think no
00:59:18
or something else are there any meetings behind closed doors anymore i mean what happened to the decorum of just meet the
00:59:24
guy hash it out then you walk out hey it went good he literally meets him and goes sit down and and they're like wait
00:59:31
right here like everyone's here and he's like you're [ __ ] up everything they start going at it yeah I know so
00:59:38
crazy trump i unless unless someone writes a book about it because I read Bob Woodward's book like oh boy we're
00:59:44
gonna get the back we're gonna get the real story about Trump and all it was was exactly the way Trump's in front of
00:59:50
the camera so I don't think there's another Trump back there but there is no filter he just says um he says to the
00:59:58
guy we're going to we're going to be a beautiful 50oot state he knows it got the guy elected because it turned on a
01:00:04
massive patriotic swelling in Canada when Trump I know it really did it flipped to everybody they had like two
01:00:10
weeks and then I really don't know how it works up there cuz someone else told me yesterday Canada might vote again in
01:00:15
a a year well if it's parliamentary then it is that they go you can go in and out like
01:00:21
if we had that Obama could come back you know um you don't you don't have the terms that we have but Canada Trump's
01:00:29
like Joel you're going to get a big beautiful tax break you get free military ticket carrier you got it all
01:00:36
we get a free pass to Disneyland throws in a lot of perks i know we'll see hopefully everything will calm down we'll give you when we open Alcatraz like it's the new Disneyland we're going to let all the kids in it's going to be
01:00:47
a lot of fun this is where we suffocate everyone this is where the gangs jump other guys in all right I got to go i think I'm in danger with this noise
01:00:59
solitary confinement that's what they call it that meant you were alone for a long time
01:01:06
kids you want to get in and try it one at a time get in let me close you in you can see what Alapone did because he ate
01:01:12
one extra biscuit they threw him in solitary [ __ ] all right good one thanks buddy that's it that's good we'll talk later we'll see you next time
01:01:27
bye this has been a presentation of Odyssey superfly is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade jenna Weiss Burman of Odyssey Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman hope you liked it
01:01:41
[Music]