00:00:00
I'm trying to live in the 140s. Don't be mad. So, what I do is >> 140s. I check chicks that are 140. My
00:00:07
dad when I was a kid, anytime you ever saw two dudes together, you go, "Look at
00:00:12
these two gay guys." And then one day I go, "Do you think they're saying that
00:00:15
about us?" And he goes, "Oh god, I hope not." >> You find out that a lot of your friends,
00:00:22
>> they like you where you are. >> THEY LIKE YOU WHERE YOU ARE. >> YEAH. Let's not get crazy.
00:00:28
>> This is the third time I've texted you. I swear to God if you don't reply, I'm
00:00:32
gonna come to your house, inject AIDS into you, and light your house on fire and kill your children. The next test,
00:00:38
my bad. That was for my sister. >> All right, Dana, we had Bert Chryser uh
00:00:46
on. I think on again, right? He's been on before. >> It was our second time. We did it a few
00:00:50
couple months ago and we did it in the studio where you're sitting for flying
00:00:56
along. >> Oh, yeah. um >> up close and personal. >> We all took our shirts off as an homage.
00:01:02
>> No, I didn't. I was uh requested to keep mine on uh by America. >> Yeah, I took my shirt off and you looked
00:01:10
over and it I don't want to talk out of school, but you did faint. >> Is that why I fainted? Oh, yeah.
00:01:17
>> You fainted and Heather kind of caught you. But anyway, let's get back to Bert
00:01:21
Chryser, our guest. >> Bert Chryser. Free Bird is the show on Netflix. Uh, we talk about everything up
00:01:28
and down and also the casting for the show, how he got into it, what the show's about and it looks like a fun
00:01:34
show. I watched some of it yesterday. Um, so I think this is kind of what people want to hear about Bert right
00:01:41
now. >> You had a nice time. >> I had a nice time. It's always very
00:01:46
interesting how him and he and Tom Sigura are friends and have their podcasts, how just smart they are just
00:01:53
about the way to be in show business, you know, and Bird is very humble about it, you know, he's kind of sheepish
00:02:02
about his stand up, but he's a great standup because he kills consistently for an hour. Um, and he still looks
00:02:09
pretty good with a shirt off, I'll say. >> Yeah, he's one of those guys that
00:02:12
doesn't look super gross with his shirt off. Some people you see the shirt off
00:02:16
and you go that's not fair. That's not fair to us. >> Well, still fairly solid, but if you
00:02:21
jump up and down on the stage and then there's movement for a long time, that's
00:02:25
when you put the shirt on. The thing that surprised me about this podcast was he went pantless as well, which I would
00:02:30
you don't see that, but he's got incredibly strong legs. >> Well, see for yourself. Here we go,
00:02:37
guys. Bert Chryser, >> which ones? It's a good start. Well, should we are we are we recording?
00:02:45
>> Always recording productions. >> You're a cocktail of of >> Mr. Crash.
00:02:50
>> Take my BPC 157 before I go to bed. I'm on Mjaro. I'm on testosterone. I'm on
00:02:56
Metformin. I'm on everything. >> Oh, good. Maro. >> Mjaro is >> not Zepbound.
00:03:01
>> I think that's what it is, right? >> I don't know. There's
00:03:03
>> no It's like the teptide or whatever. >> Is it like the commercial?
00:03:07
>> Oh, do they show you throwing up and [ __ ] blood? No. We're all supposed
00:03:11
to be micro doing it. So >> I'm micro doing it. >> You're micro doing Okay.
00:03:16
>> Major, >> it What What's it doing for you? Is it >> takes your sparkle away?
00:03:21
>> Okay. >> Well, does it take away your appetite? Is that the >> Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The thing
00:03:24
that drives you. >> Yeah. I think it drives life. >> So everything that's fun goes away. It's
00:03:28
incredible. It's cheap, too. >> It turns into a dial tone. >> It's a kind of dystopian uh
00:03:35
>> thing. You got You lose the weight, but you got no joy in life. It's kind of a
00:03:39
what you call it classic tradeoff. >> When does this fjaro kick in? >> I think the second hour of this podcast.
00:03:48
>> Yeah. Well, obviously we're both on it. >> Yeah, you guys are What is it? What is
00:03:53
it like? You You're going to eat your entire life. You can eat Taco Bell every
00:03:57
meal. >> I really I can't anymore, but I will tell you. >> What do you mean you can't anymore? For
00:04:00
a while, >> I do get skinny fat and uh that's no good. A lot of >> a lot of whispers. Dennis Miller used to
00:04:09
call it a cash register. Because he goes, "Spudley, I'm getting a [ __ ]
00:04:12
cash register here. I got NCitis. Gotus in my milkus." You know, >> so we can't be But Dana's always been
00:04:20
pretty straight, >> but it's all calculated. >> I for a small frame 128 in high school,
00:04:25
you know, I was 165. >> So what I started to do because I'd never weighed myself and I did Blue
00:04:32
Thunder with James Fantino. Look it up. First time around catering for six months. Yes. I bought that at 7-Eleven.
00:04:39
Throw in joke. Go ahead. >> This is good. This is why we This is why we work. I'm sad.
00:04:43
>> Tell the story. No, but anyway, so then I I gained 20 pounds. >> So after that, I just weigh myself every
00:04:51
day. >> Yeah. Well, that's the key. You got to weigh yourself every day.
00:04:54
>> That's because if you don't, that's when you gain weight. >> So I I'm trying to live in the 140s.
00:04:59
Don't be mad. So what I do is >> 140s. I [ __ ] chicks that are 140. I got stools that weigh 140 over here,
00:05:07
you know. So, what I do is I step on a digital scale. I don't punish myself. If
00:05:11
I want to go on vacation or party, I'll bring it down a little bit. So, I just,
00:05:15
you know, cowardice. I don't want to wake up and go, I got to [ __ ] lose 30
00:05:20
lbs. Terrified. So, just maintenance. We'll talk after the podcast. This a little deep for, you know, for guys like
00:05:28
me. I I did the same thing and it sounds crazy but with like drugs like in 90s 2000 where I would take some and people
00:05:36
go just be careful you don't get addicted. So I would keep drinking and drugs sort of in check because I always
00:05:42
knew I'd have to come back to zero because you're never going to you're not
00:05:46
going to stay in show that long. I'm not talented enough to stay that long if
00:05:51
>> so you go up and you go oh I took a Viking a day and then you go my friend
00:05:54
takes six a day. He's [ __ ] up all the time. It's great. I'm like, I know, but
00:05:58
then I got to go backwards. So, I can't, you know, if you you can always quit a
00:06:01
little bit. It's a little easier. >> But if you're the more I mean, you drink
00:06:05
probably more than drug thing, but I used to drink a little more than I do now, and then I had to slowly reel it
00:06:12
in. It was never super horrible, but it is it's easier to come back to zero if
00:06:16
you're not too far away. >> I've always I'm always shocked when
00:06:19
people have like a real drinking problem. Like, I'm always blown away by like cuz I drink a lot. I'm a big
00:06:25
drinker, but like when you see someone who's like shaking and then just getting
00:06:29
into their mouth and you're like, "Whoa." >> Right. Like it's been an hour and they
00:06:33
need something. >> Yeah. Like that can happen >> and like that cuz I I've never Or like
00:06:38
there's people that can't quit drinking, they got to go into detox. That's always
00:06:42
shocking for me. >> So can you do like two weeks hard and then you take 10 days you just don't
00:06:46
really drink? >> Yeah. Or you know I do I'm healthier on the road. That sounds crazy because I
00:06:53
won't drink until for me it's about the witching hour. Like if I'm at home and
00:06:57
then sun starts setting, >> I go, "Hey, let's uh rules." >> Yeah, let's let's open a bottle of rosé.
00:07:02
What are we doing? What are we doing? >> But if I'm on the road, I I won't have
00:07:05
my first drink until like 9:30 cuz I don't I don't Yeah, >> I got that's when I'm done. And if I'm
00:07:10
doing theaters and you do two a night, I won't drink until 12:30. So >> you do two shows a night
00:07:15
>> if I do a theater. Yeah. >> [ __ ] >> Yeah, that's big money. God,
00:07:19
>> that's big money. I couldn't do it. >> Okay. I want to give you one little last
00:07:22
health thing and we can move on to your career and stuff. Um, the solution to pollution is dilution.
00:07:31
>> Whoa. >> Are you talking water? >> Yeah. >> So, if you're going to drink, so before
00:07:36
you start drinking >> Yes. >> before you crack that first beer or whatever for sunset, you have 16 ounces
00:07:42
of water. >> Yeah. >> It's all diluted. Your whole all your organs, liver, kidneys. Yeah. before and
00:07:47
then during throw a party. It the effects of alcohol will be diluted and the the taxiness on your body. So the
00:07:56
solution to pollution is dilution. So water >> should be a [ __ ] shirt. What I do is
00:08:00
I take I I wish I had a picture of it. >> I take liquid deaths >> and I put them all on my headboard.
00:08:08
>> I line my whole headboard up with liquid deaths. >> Okay. And then you always have
00:08:12
>> And then right before I go to bed, I murder four. >> Murder four.
00:08:15
>> Oh, right. And then but you have to get up a lot. >> Yeah. But then every time I have to pee,
00:08:19
I murder one. So I pee throughout the night. I I wake up probably like four times a night,
00:08:23
>> which is fine. Which is fine. Yeah. >> It's kind of nice to wake up at two and
00:08:26
go, "Oh, it's only two." >> It's better than being dehydrated. It's
00:08:29
better to wake up because you drank so much water. Um >> and then what I do is I take them. This
00:08:34
is my favorite part is I throw them in the air like a king >> wherever they land.
00:08:38
>> Where and I hear ding ding ding ding. >> Who gives up? >> So I was doing this TV show. I was doing
00:08:42
this TV show Free Bird and we were in Atlanta. We were in uh we were in uh the fourth down in Atlanta. Beautiful hotel.
00:08:49
>> My wife and I had our own rooms. It was so great. >> And then every night I have my all my
00:08:53
liquid desks up on thing and I throw them in the air and I throw them in the air. The last day of shooting our
00:08:59
director, we're like, "Hey, did you like the hotel?" And he's like, "Yeah." But
00:09:02
there's this guy in the middle of the night just moving furniture or chains.
00:09:05
>> Oh my god. And it was you. >> I go, "What room are you in?" He goes,
00:09:09
"311." I go, "I'm in 411." I go, "Can I show you what I do?" And I brought him
00:09:14
up to my room. The forest covered in cans and he's like, >> I couldn't sleep all [ __ ] month.
00:09:20
>> Oh my god. Jeez. So weird. The next night you're like, "Oh, this could be so
00:09:24
great." Like 2001, the ape throws a bone. Oh, my friend. [ __ ] So I You didn't need my little solution to
00:09:32
>> Oh, no. But I love I I'm a big proponent of I didn't start drinking water. This
00:09:37
sounds crazy and I know that sounds like a plug for liquid death. I didn't start
00:09:40
drinking water until liquid death. >> Yeah. >> Because of the delivery system, right?
00:09:44
>> Everything's about delivery systems in life. Like even comedy these days, the
00:09:48
delivery system I think be comedy got so broad and so so popular because the delivery system got so accessible.
00:09:55
Meaning, you know, like the the delivery system for nicotine with cigarettes for
00:09:59
so long or chewing tobacco and it turned people off because it was gross. The second it turned into Zins, everyone's
00:10:03
like, "Chicks are doing it." They're like, >> "Something's cool." Yeah. So, what's the
00:10:06
new delivery? >> Liquid death is cool. Comedy. Tik Tok, Instagram, podcasts. It's not just go.
00:10:12
When you guys started, >> the only delivery system for comedy was either uh late even at the improv,
00:10:21
Carson, or going to an actual comedy club. That was >> now the delivery system is Instagram,
00:10:26
Tik Tok, YouTube, >> Netflix, HBO Max, comedy clubs, theaters, uh every I mean comedyy's
00:10:33
everywhere now. Yeah. >> So, which the biggest one for you if you had to pick one social media site to
00:10:37
post stuff on? >> Oh, I only I'm only paying attention to Instagram. I'm
00:10:41
>> Oh, >> I Tik Tok is I I have a Tik Tok, but I don't touch it. My team runs it. Uh I
00:10:46
have YouTube. I'm never on YouTube. I'm on YouTube. My algorithm on YouTube is
00:10:50
like said the thing I watched the most was about uh wars and uh documentaries on history.
00:10:56
>> Oh, that's not mine. >> Uh >> what's your algorithm? His is porn more.
00:11:03
No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. That was that joke. He's kind of he's kind of
00:11:07
walking through all of them, guys. Uh, >> no. I uh, by the way, is is Instagram
00:11:12
turning into the new Facebook? That's what I'm worried about because Facebook
00:11:17
>> is for old people. Um, I guess we're old, but uh, not you, but uh, >> we're the same age,
00:11:23
>> are we? Yeah. >> Yeah. 53. >> 30. Oh, okay. >> I was thinking about driving over. I go,
00:11:27
I kind of grew up with you. Like you I grew up with you, but you're you're like
00:11:32
uh you're like younger than my dad, >> but you're like a older older brother,
00:11:37
>> right? Yeah. No, I'm Yeah, probably. >> You're 70, I think.
00:11:40
>> Yeah. Yeah. >> Yeah. >> And then but I but I >> But you know how old I grew up with you?
00:11:44
He's got to be 53. >> Yeah. 53. Yeah, he's 53. How old is Sigura? >> I don't know. Like 49, 47. He looks
00:11:55
older than me. >> Pretty good, man. This is This guy's happy right now. Why Why can't you stop
00:12:00
smiling? >> Because I'm 54. >> Your new nickname is 54. >> Look at that [ __ ] watch, by the way.
00:12:09
>> Is it a rolly? >> Yeah. >> So, you're like, >> "Yeah, watches are coming back, though.
00:12:17
>> I don't like to flaunt." >> Do you have security with that watch? I
00:12:20
mean, in LA, >> you know, I got to So, I'm going to be very honest. >> Good. I had a I had an identity crisis
00:12:26
at a certain point in my career when I started making money. And I watched all my friends that were making money. Not
00:12:31
change. I don't want to say change, but >> become rich people. They started flying
00:12:36
planes and driving race cars and buying cars and buying houses and and like they'd buy houses that were furnished. I
00:12:43
was like, "What?" Like, >> "Oh, can you do that?" >> Yeah. They'd be like, "We'll take it.
00:12:47
Keep the furniture. >> Oh, keep the like staging furniture." >> Yeah. And so, and I was still the same,
00:12:53
like just wearing t-shirts and jeans and flip-flops, >> wearing hats. I didn't I wasn't spending
00:12:58
my money on anything. I didn't care. I don't really care about cars. And one
00:13:02
day, I was sitting in with a group of my friends and everyone had Rolexes on. And
00:13:06
they were telling stories about buying each other Rolexes for gifts. >> And I was like, I want a [ __ ] Rolex.
00:13:12
Yeah. >> And I was like, I should get a Rolex. I got to I got to act like a grown-up. So,
00:13:15
I got my first Rolex. And I loved it. I loved it. I would look at it. It was a Submariner. I got it in Vegas and I I
00:13:21
would look at it and it would cheer me up and then I became a little bit of a watch guy, but I'm also not cuz I only
00:13:27
buy Rolexes. >> Yeah. >> So, I don't know anything about watches.
00:13:30
>> But you're kind of tan. You get you got a good arm, thick arm, big watch. I
00:13:34
think that's cooler, I think, than a little uh >> like there's different ways. I I think
00:13:40
the way people always want to show a little money when when the basketball players walk in or the football players
00:13:46
walk in the beginning and it used to be just through the tunnel, but now it's a
00:13:49
full fashion show and they have like a little purse and they have like a skirt on or whatever. You go, "What happened?
00:13:54
What's going on?" >> And do you remember when they were like they were dressing up almost like like
00:13:58
uh like gay guys? Like do you remember Dwayne Wade were dressing like like it would like tight tight pants like this
00:14:05
and you're like >> I know. I don't know. I think they were just dressing
00:14:12
You know, >> I guess technically I'm dressed like a gay guy. I'm sure there's a guy gay guy
00:14:16
wearing what I'm wearing. >> You're like, >> my dad USED TO SAY THAT WHEN
00:14:19
>> NO, you're a guy acting like you're not gay. You're like, look, I look like Bert
00:14:23
Chryser. >> I My dad when I was a kid, anytime you ever saw two dudes together, you go,
00:14:29
"Look at these two gay guys." And then one day I go, "Do you think they're
00:14:33
saying that about us?" And he goes, >> "Oh god, I hope not."
00:14:36
>> I know. He finally goes, "I got,"Yeah, every time I go to the airport, I go,
00:14:40
"Look at all these Bert Crushers here." And when I was at the Barrett Jackson
00:14:43
car show, I go, "It's full of Bert Crushers." Cuz it's a guy with a beard
00:14:47
and they got a hat and they're walking through. >> Oh, you go to my show and
00:14:51
>> everyone looks like me. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I bet. >> I can almost You know what's crazy?
00:14:55
>> I can tell a fan of mine as they're walking towards me, I'm like, "This
00:14:59
guy's gonna about to lose his shit." >> Yeah. >> But what's crazy is I went to Paris.
00:15:04
>> Okay. And I would see guys that would be fans of mine, but they didn't know me.
00:15:09
>> And I wanted to go, "Hey, can I turn you on to something I think you're going to
00:15:12
love?" >> My whole career. >> Hey, do you I think you're going to like
00:15:16
this because they'd have beers. They'd be big fat guys drinking beers at a bar.
00:15:20
>> But you're still Netflix and stuff. Do you go overseas? And do people know you?
00:15:24
Cuz I would I was always wondering, did I go overseas? >> Yeah, we do. I do uh Netherlands.
00:15:28
>> Oh, you do do shows. >> Oh, yeah. Yeah, we do. I do a European tour. I'll do one for this tour for
00:15:33
party. We do London, you know, all of Europe, all of uh the UK, Ireland, hu like Ireland's the craziest drinkers
00:15:41
with the Guinness and the drinking. >> I mean, it was it's I think it's the O2
00:15:45
Arena is what it's called. It's not the same thing. I forget >> in Dublin.
00:15:49
>> In Dublin, >> their version of the O2 >> and it they ran the show. The the Irish
00:15:56
ran the show. Like I got on stage with a Guinness and I held it up in the air and
00:16:01
and they start going uh Ole, ole, ole, o. And so I would start to drink and they go
00:16:10
and then I'd be in the middle of a joke and then you hear ole o and another big they I got wasted on
00:16:18
stage and they are the ones who basically orchestrated the show. It was now same show Tom Sigura goes and was a
00:16:26
livid. >> Oh yeah. When I was there they were going he's gay. He's gay. He's gay. He's
00:16:31
gay. I'm like, "Me? Yeah, you're the only guy up there, dude." Oh,
00:16:36
>> you know, every year, David, I think we can unequivocally say this. We make
00:16:41
resolutions >> that somehow never stick, right? >> But this year, I've found the one
00:16:49
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00:17:39
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00:17:45
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00:18:01
right and save up to 52% off with code fotw.co. That's fo wg ru ns.co. When you drink on stage like that, do
00:18:13
you get pressure? I remember uh well even Farley when he was everywhere we go just walk by someone and they go hey sit
00:18:19
down have a drink with us everyone's pulling even if he's 100% in rehab they
00:18:24
want to be the guy that either broke his rehab or got drunk so no one gives a fat
00:18:28
[ __ ] if he's in rehab they're like no come on man just one we'll do shots go
00:18:31
by and he was such a people pleaser he would do them so you must give people a want to drink with you when you're just
00:18:36
out and b on stage they send you drinks or do you have to drink on stage every time
00:18:41
>> like uh I won't drink anything that's sent to me Ow. I mean, uh
00:18:44
>> Oh, right. It is weird. Yeah. >> Is is But uh I always have a drink with
00:18:49
me on stage. Like usually I bring a coffee and a poros and soda on stage, but I won't touch the cocktail until I
00:18:55
start the machine store at the end of the show. Oh, >> okay. >> And so, um cuz I'm working on something.
00:19:00
It's like, you know, it's like >> it is hard to it's you have to have a
00:19:03
sharp clear head. >> When I was did clubs, they were they would send drinks non-stop. And my thing
00:19:09
when I was doing clubs, I never had I never feel felt like I had job security. You know, I never really sold tickets
00:19:14
until like later. >> And so back in the day, if they sent drinks, I knew that that would get them
00:19:19
drinking. And I knew David Tell one time told me um he goes, "Where were you?"
00:19:25
And I said, "Last stop in Houston." He goes, "How were the bar sales?" And I
00:19:28
went, >> "Yeah, that's a part you don't think because they look at that."
00:19:30
>> Yeah. He goes, "I don't know." And he goes, "Let me tell you something about
00:19:32
Houston. That guy doesn't know comedy, but what he does do is he checks the bar
00:19:35
tabs every night. If your bar sales are bigger than the next guys, you're definitely coming back.
00:19:40
>> Yeah, that's smart. >> So, I would bring six-pack of Heinekans
00:19:43
on stage when I did clubs. I'd bring a six-pack and I'd drink and I'd do shots
00:19:48
and and and I and then what I this was the key. This was like job security 101. I was in Chicago and I was in Tony
00:19:57
Baldino Club at Shamberg and I and I said I said you know how much do you make money if I bring people at the
00:20:07
bar after and stick around and drink? And he goes, "Oh yeah." >> So I started telling people, "Hey, after
00:20:12
the show don't leave. We're going to drink at the bar. I'll do a meet and
00:20:14
greet. We hang out. We can take pictures." And then I would say and then I started coming up with gambling games
00:20:19
where I go, "All right, game of chance. >> We got a ball. first person to put it
00:20:24
into the trash can from across the room. It's a $20 buyin, $1 rebby. Let's go.
00:20:29
And like a hundred guys would stay. The pot would be $2,000. And we >> in the bar
00:20:34
>> in the bar and after the show and we'd stay until 4 in the morning. And I'm the
00:20:39
second I did that, >> I was it was like bar comedy clubs were dying to have me. And then I did I mean
00:20:46
this was all like I got to be a honest like it was a workaround cuz I was so insecure that I wasn't as good as like a
00:20:53
Bill Burr or a David Tell or a David Spade or a Dana Carvey. I was always like cuz I took my shirt off. I'm a
00:21:00
party guy. >> I would do this thing called the weight staff raffle. >> I mean clubs [ __ ] loved me. I would
00:21:08
take >> I would say at the end of the show I'd say, "Hey, I'm going to pass around a
00:21:11
hat. Whatever change you have, throw it in. dollar, $20, whatever, and then we're going to pick one name out of the
00:21:17
way staff and we're going to give that person the money. It's going to change
00:21:19
our lives. >> The first person we did it to the girl was in Jersey cuz I I got like a $100
00:21:25
bonus and I was like, I could give it 10 bucks to everyone or just give a hundred
00:21:28
to one. So, I put a hundred in, >> we collect $633 on one show on the first
00:21:33
time I did it. >> Huge. >> And the girl comes up >> and she starts crying and she's pregnant
00:21:38
and she goes, "I get to buy the good car seat now." And everyone's like, "Oh my
00:21:43
god. I I got the best one. This was the best one. So, we're in >> She said, "I get to have the baby now."
00:21:50
>> We're in Lexington, Kentucky. Now, stereotypically, you never wanted a
00:21:53
black dude to win because >> Okay. >> Because because they didn't show
00:22:02
emotion. >> You wanted the person to receive the thing. No. Black guys were always like,
00:22:07
"Cool." >> Okay. >> One guy was like, "I'm going to get
00:22:09
sneakers." And you're like, "Now we feel like we wasted our money.
00:22:13
[ __ ] house. Who goes the most? >> You wanted a black chick to win. Always.
00:22:16
They always were. Oh, they had they could and then then you go white chick or any ethnicity, then white chick.
00:22:23
>> Yeah. >> Then white dude. Black last dude. You never wanted a black dude to win.
00:22:27
>> [ __ ] >> So this guy I wish I could remember his name. >> Uh
00:22:31
>> I'm not going to guess. >> He went guess. >> I think I know.
00:22:35
>> Leius or something. >> He I pull his name. Kevin, I think. I don't think his name is Kevin. I pull
00:22:40
his name and he comes up and he's like this. He's like, "Cool."
00:22:44
>> Okay. >> And it was uh it was like $700. And I go, "So, what are you going to spend the
00:22:49
money on?" He's like, "I'm good, man." And I was like, "What are you going to
00:22:53
spend the money on?" And I go, "You seem emotional." He starts to tear up and I see it in his
00:22:59
eye. And he goes, "Next week is my little girl's birthday, and now I get to be the father she
00:23:06
thinks I am." >> Cute. I start crying. He goes, "She wanted a party. I couldn't throw a
00:23:13
party. Now I can throw a party and I can buy her a present." And I was like,
00:23:17
>> and everyone started opening their wallets >> and walking up and giving him money. And
00:23:22
he's sobbing. I'm sobbing. The whole room sobbing. I'm like, "Wow." I tell
00:23:26
that, right? I tell that to the weight staff. The next place I'm in Pittsburgh.
00:23:30
Guy wins. He comes up on stage and he's crying and I go, "You seem emotional."
00:23:36
He goes, "My son has cancer." I'm like, "Oh my god." He goes, "This Christmas
00:23:40
it's going to be hard on our family, but now I can bring my family in so they can
00:23:44
all spend his last Christmas together." And we're like, "Holy sh" Everyone comes
00:23:47
up. Guy walks with like three grand. I get done the show. He comes in the green room. He goes, "And the Oscar goes to
00:23:53
you." >> What a dick. >> And then I stopped doing it. I WAS LIKE,
00:23:57
I CAN'T do this. This sucks. >> But yeah, the black dude was the best.
00:24:00
The black dude was the best. >> I almost gave him money. >> He just walks in. because I'm god smack.
00:24:06
I don't know of any stand up that has done this. That's >> fantastic.
00:24:10
>> I was I looked I was like >> it was any opportunity to do anything to
00:24:13
help just helps the show. >> It was like I don't know. You always try to tip the weight staff big.
00:24:18
>> Sure. Sure. >> And so like uh >> I don't know. I also I think once and
00:24:22
you know this was I think I always had insecurity about my standup cuz I didn't
00:24:26
know why people were coming to see me, you know? Like I I was like >> like I I know I'm a good storyteller and
00:24:31
I know I'm I'm a I'm a good comic. I was always fun on stage, but like like I
00:24:37
never got nominated for a Golden Globe or or like an Emmy or any of that [ __ ] for my standup. And I always thought my
00:24:42
specials are good. They track well. They do well on Netflix, but I mean they get
00:24:46
big numbers, >> but even when I say that, I kind of cheat coded the system. Like
00:24:52
>> I heard two people saying that people only watched 30 minutes of their special
00:24:58
>> there. And then Netflix said they only watch first 30 minutes. That's why we're
00:25:01
doing 30 minutes >> at the most. So on secret time, >> I took my closer and I put it at 22
00:25:07
minutes. I was like, if they're not going to I'm not going to put my best
00:25:10
joke at the end when no one hears it. I'm put Yeah. when you're not watching.
00:25:13
>> So true. So true. >> And then I took everything and I frontloaded it. I in secret time the
00:25:18
first 30 minutes go by so quick cuz it's I skinnied everything up, crammed it up,
00:25:24
>> and then it turns out people like Robbie called and he was like, "Your retention
00:25:28
rate was like 97%." 97% of the people that watched your special watch the whole [ __ ] thing.
00:25:34
>> And I was like, "Oh yeah, >> because they're locked in."
00:25:37
>> Yeah. I cheated and I put my clothes are at 22. And he was like, "What?"
00:25:40
>> Yeah. >> Because it is. When I went into the inner sanctum with Netflix, they gave me
00:25:44
that metric. I go, "I would have done the whole thing different." Oh, yeah.
00:25:47
>> Because it's like you're doing a set and if you're not holding them, the audience
00:25:50
is slowly starting to leave. Say you're in a big room. >> They're leaving and you got to get to
00:25:55
this certain, >> you know, time where they're still there. So, you would reorientate. I
00:26:00
don't know. Um, I'm going to call that clever, smart, I don't know. What do you
00:26:05
call that mindset that you have to go curiosity about how to hack things or how to win basically, right?
00:26:13
>> I think I I' I've gotten compliments from business people >> on the way I've done my career.
00:26:19
>> Um, but you know, you always want to be, you know, Sandler who doesn't
00:26:24
>> doesn't look like he tries. >> Doesn't look like he tries, never stops
00:26:27
working. >> Yeah. Like like you want to be like and beloved by everyone. Everything he does
00:26:32
is the best thing anyone's ever [ __ ] seen, you know? Like you want to be like
00:26:36
a tell not I mean or Chappelle they're they're just geniuses. For me I was like
00:26:42
I think I got to do a little extra to get to Genius. Like >> I'll give you a perfect example. I put
00:26:48
my tour I put my f my first like big tour on sale in theaters and they were like
00:26:55
>> and like I [ __ ] agents calling me. I mean people we know you're wrong. My not
00:27:01
my agent but you're wrong. You should you're not ready for theaters. You're
00:27:03
not you're going to not it's you're going to ruin your career. And I was
00:27:07
terrified. So, I took $1,200 and I did a dance video and and I I got this professional dancer
00:27:16
to teach me a dance and I did a dance video and then I released my tour days on the side and I started promoting my I
00:27:22
started promoting >> dancing in the margin of the video and the things are coming down and what are
00:27:27
you doing? What are you wearing? What are you is it >> speedo high tops? >> Okay. High tops.
00:27:33
>> And so, >> so it's a little bit of Chris Farley vibes in a way.
00:27:36
>> Oh, yeah. And I did I did promo videos. I like I I never >> thought I could just put tickets on
00:27:42
sale. I thought you got I got to I got to bring the razledazzle. I got a marching band.
00:27:47
>> I paid a marching band like $2,400 to come to my backyard and play rubber band
00:27:51
man >> to do a promo. >> Great song. >> That's the only song they all knew.
00:27:56
>> So Tapper, >> I had no plans. I just brought them over. I was like I was like,
00:28:02
"Do you guys know a song?" And they're like, "Uh, what what do you guys know?"
00:28:05
Oh, and one guy goes, "I know rubber band man." And everyone goes, "I know
00:28:08
rubber band man." I was like, "Cool." So, I sat him around my pool. I was in
00:28:12
my It looked like a regular promo read and I was like, "I got a big announcement and I blow a whistle and
00:28:16
then the drum guy comes out behind me from my from my like in my backyard and then I reveal the band and we start
00:28:23
dancing." But like I always I I guess you could call it smart. I know that I've had companies come to me
00:28:29
>> to use that side of my brain, >> but I was I just, you know, I always
00:28:34
felt like I was cheap coating it. >> Yeah. Yeah. You're trying. >> When you were playing the Santa Barbara
00:28:39
Bowl, I saw a flyer and it did it the flyer and I don't know, as guest stars
00:28:43
or whatever, felt like an event and a party and more than a regular just one guy with a mic talking,
00:28:51
>> you know? So, >> like Nitro Circus used to be with >> Travis, right? Like it's like, "Oh, this
00:28:56
is an event more than just let's just go watch stand up." >> Like it's like I tried to get you to do
00:29:01
the um Fully Loaded with Me Tour. Yeah. >> Yeah. And and it and what it was is it's
00:29:08
you know, it was a heavy lift for me because I I I have all these great comics. I mean, you look at the list of
00:29:13
comics that have done Fully Loaded. It's the best comics the world. Shane Gillis,
00:29:18
Big J Oerson, Stavi. I mean, it's the best comics in the world. Yeah. >> And
00:29:22
>> and I I did some crazy crazy event. We we were the first people to ever do
00:29:26
stand up at the gorge, 35,000 people. I mean, it was crazy. It was crazy. And I loved the challenge. I loved the heavy
00:29:33
lift. I loved the I, you know, Jelly Roll came out and tour with us. Uh, we had Marcus King. We had I mean, it's
00:29:40
just wild wild events. And then uh but I didn't realize like and I I was so ambitious and so proud of my ambition
00:29:48
and and what I could do that I didn't realize how many comics I was alienating
00:29:52
like because not everyone was invited. And I >> one night I was we were doing uh the
00:29:59
tennis arena in uh in where they used to hold the US Open in Long Island. >> They have it's a stage it's an outdoor
00:30:05
venue. It's beautiful. >> And um someone came up to me and they said why did you do this? like, "Can you
00:30:11
believe you did this?" And I said, "Yeah, I can believe." And they go,
00:30:14
"What do you mean?" And I said, "Well, I did it because I don't think I would
00:30:17
have ever been invited to do it." Like, no one was gonna I never got invited to
00:30:20
Montreal or Aspen or I never got I never got on uh the >> Oddball. I never got invited to do that
00:30:26
tour. >> I've never done Moon Tower. I've never done I've never been invited to do
00:30:30
anything ever. Ever. Like that's a like that's crazy. I've been successful for
00:30:36
27 years and I've never been invited to do anything. So, I just had to create
00:30:41
them to do them. And then as I said that, I realized, oh my god, I am doing to other comics what was done to me.
00:30:48
>> Yeah. It's just the way it is. Do you are you do you still feel like you're
00:30:52
the underdog? It's 100%. It's just part of your brain. >> I never feel Yeah. Yeah. I think I I'm I
00:30:57
think that's the thing that drives me. I I have a very punitive brain. >> Do better, Bert. Do better, Bert.
00:31:03
>> Oh, yeah. and puny >> puny. No. Uh yeah, probably like I'm I'm just very rough on myself.
00:31:10
Like this morning I was like this morning I got up I party last night, smoked a cigar, watched the new Sandler
00:31:16
George Clooney movie which is [ __ ] amazing. It's so it's so [ __ ] good.
00:31:20
It's It shouldn't be that good. Those two those two on the cover, you're like
00:31:25
a as a viewer, you're like this two guys phoning it in. They wanted to spend time
00:31:30
together. They both wanted to go to Rome, spend some time with their families, bring the boys out, play a
00:31:34
little golf. It's so [ __ ] good. >> It's George Clooney >> brought his [ __ ] agame.
00:31:41
>> Like, >> yeah, >> I'm not saying that he hasn't always,
00:31:43
but he, you know, >> sure, >> sometimes. >> Great director, too.
00:31:46
>> Well, you get >> Noah Burnbach. >> Yeah, I know. And you know, Adam and
00:31:50
Clooney probably get the pick of the litter of all of scripts. So, especially each one does, and they put them
00:31:55
together. So, great. >> But sometimes that doesn't work. >> When I saw the trailer, I thought,
00:31:58
"Yeah, they're in the pocket." And I saw like 10 seconds. >> He's already up for awards.
00:32:02
>> I I I I literally I you know, you sit back and you're like >> I I saw the Clooney Brad Pip one and
00:32:09
it's >> Oh, wolves. >> Yeah, it was okay. It was good. It was funny. But
00:32:14
>> I'm like, yo, Brad Pitt and George Clooney. [ __ ] come on. >> The the the bar.
00:32:18
>> Well, I couldn't with Wolf. I wasn't quite sure. They're just cool dudes and
00:32:22
there's a crime. This one is very specific, you know, just like he's an old, you know, and Clooney playing a
00:32:27
version of himself in a way. And then Sandler being the manager I just saw immediately because that's part of
00:32:34
Sandler's personality a little different. How you doing man? How you doing? >> You all right Carvey? You know it's part
00:32:40
kind of and >> I've only creeped him out. >> You've Oh yeah.
00:32:45
>> You've only creeped him out >> where you came up to him or something.
00:32:49
>> No worst interview. You called me the night that next the next day and you're
00:32:53
like cuz I was worried about it. It's like, >> oh, >> it was during the pandemic and I did
00:32:57
that interview and I was like, >> yes, >> I called this movie Beautiful Gems or
00:33:03
something. >> Yeah, I remember that. You showed me that video. Yeah. >> I was like I showed my daughter's Happy
00:33:08
Madison the other day and he was like, "Did you?" >> Uh, >> I was like, "They loved it." He was
00:33:12
like, >> "Oh." >> And I asked Happy Gilmore. >> Yeah. Yeah. I called it Happy Madison.
00:33:18
And then I was like, "Hey, do you have Netflix?" >> He's like, "I have a $250 million deal."
00:33:22
He didn't say that, but that's in hindsight. >> Yeah, Sandler is >> Well, I doubt he would hold that against
00:33:28
you. >> I don't think I remember it. He's he's going a million miles second.
00:33:32
>> Yeah. Anytime it's an unintentional thing, it's fine. Like anybody, you're
00:33:36
not after him. Plus, you're comics, he likes that. >> Yeah. >> So, when you got rich and famous, okay,
00:33:41
at a given point, then that was just for sure. Bird is rich, bird is famous. How
00:33:48
did it affect relationships with >> people? That's a great question. >> I realized not everyone was rooting for
00:33:57
me. >> Is pulling for you. Yeah, we all find that all along the way. >> You find out that a lot of your friends.
00:34:05
>> They like you where you are. >> THEY LIKE YOU WHERE YOU ARE. >> YEAH. Let's not get crazy.
00:34:10
>> Don't go nuts on. >> That's quite enough. That's quite
00:34:14
enough. Don't >> How did that manifest itself? just in little little sly things, little little
00:34:19
digs kind of backstage or >> Oh, yeah. or whatever. >> Oh, yeah. Oh, it was like
00:34:24
>> it was crazy. I uh >> it was Yeah, it was crazy. I I don't know the right way to say it without
00:34:30
bringing up old dramas, but but like it it was it was comics or friends or family?
00:34:36
>> Everyone. I mean, everyone >> Oh, my family all didn't was disconnected. I don't think they had any
00:34:43
idea what was happening. Uh Rogan and Tom were the two people that were like cheering for me. They were like legit.
00:34:50
>> Yeah. >> Rogan would be like he was like, "You're not here by mistake." And I and he's
00:34:55
like, "You've earned this. You you know, >> but yeah, I I realized there were a lot
00:34:59
of people that liked me when I was below them and they didn't like me when I blew
00:35:02
up." And what I my the lesson I learned was because dude, like I broke ticket sales. I broke a lot
00:35:10
of people's ticket sales. And I >> Oh, >> thought they would be like,
00:35:15
>> "Hey, cool." >> Yeah. They didn't like it. >> They didn't like it.
00:35:18
>> And I could see that one. >> Yeah. I And then when And then what's
00:35:22
interesting, >> human nature, >> I got a call one day from Shane Gillis
00:35:26
and he was like, "Hey, >> do you remember when we worked at the Celebrity Arena in Arizona?" And I said,
00:35:32
"Yeah." He goes, "You did the record uh record beer sales." And I said, "Yeah."
00:35:36
And he goes, "Guess who just broke it?" >> Yeah. And I at that moment I went, "Oh,
00:35:41
I need to be what I always wanted everyone to be for me." And I was like, "Dude,
00:35:46
>> [ __ ] I'm You're the man." And and and like and for Shane that he's doing uh
00:35:51
Lincoln Financial, the day I heard about it, I text him. I I want everyone to succeed. I don't care. I have no
00:35:58
competition in me. I literally like my competition is within myself. And what can I do? It is it is my race and I no
00:36:05
one can affect me other than me. And I can be inspired by [ __ ] Shane does. Like
00:36:11
I tires [ __ ] I loved tires. When I got green lift for free bird, I called Shane and I was like, "Dude, I'm
00:36:17
nervous." And he's like, "Dude, you're going to kill it." And and I was like,
00:36:19
"I may lean on you a little bit >> in production of like [ __ ] cuz I don't
00:36:23
know." And when Tommy's uh uh Bad Ideas came out, Bad Thoughts came out. [ __ ]
00:36:28
loved it. And I called Tommy. I go, "This looks amazing. You can you a great
00:36:32
actor." So yeah, I think the the pullback the takeaway was I was bummed that no not everyone loved me the way I
00:36:40
wanted them to love me. So I just loved everyone as they succeeded. >> Yeah, it is hard. I mean it's a jealous
00:36:46
business and uh personal struggles. My family was always cool about it, but there's people on the outside or friends
00:36:52
or sort of friends and >> yeah, you have to forgive the 10-year-old boy inside you. little like
00:36:59
ah like Toy Story, there's a new shiny object in town. And I I've always said
00:37:04
this that the reason there's a class clown. He was a class clown. They were a
00:37:07
class clown. It's never plural because if there were two class clowns, one class clown would kill the other class
00:37:13
clown, >> you know? So, this is just childlike drive and you just sort of put it in
00:37:19
your head and go, "Oh, silly me." You know, but your attitude is perfect.
00:37:23
Yeah. just >> Well, I heard I heard you say one time or maybe I read something you said
00:37:27
>> when you you you said something to the effect of um you had friends who
00:37:34
who were terrified of losing heat or something effect they were it was something someone asked you uh why
00:37:42
aren't you why aren't you doing more movies and you're like why don't I don't
00:37:44
need it or I I forget what you said but maybe I'll just ask you like when you
00:37:48
stopped you were like I'm done I'm going to hang out with my family like Did did
00:37:54
you have friends that were like, I don't want to lose the heat. I don't want to
00:37:57
lose the >> Oh, like the my friend being >> Oh, yeah. That's a definite thing of
00:38:01
worry of of comedians or entertainers or anybody that I'm less hot. >> Yeah.
00:38:06
>> And Lauren Michael's quote was the minute you're hot, you can feel yourself
00:38:09
getting less hot. >> You know, but I swear to God, I have a I'm from the other era of romance and in
00:38:15
some ways it's hurt me. You know, I was, you know, Bob Dylan and the Beatles and
00:38:19
it's all about the work. It's all about the work. And we were not allowed to do
00:38:23
any commercials when I was on SNL. Um, and even in the '90s, I turned down >> at least 100 million in commercials.
00:38:31
Just like you're not supposed to. It's it's art artistic. >> Oh, yeah.
00:38:35
>> It's not about being hot or famous or wealthy. It's about doing work that
00:38:40
destroys people. It's very naive and I regret all of it. >> My dad My dad this Thanksgiving My dad
00:38:46
this Thanksgiving, he couldn't stop talking about Pete Davidson. He He's in
00:38:51
love with Pete Davidson. Okay. And And he's like, "God, this guy Bert, did you
00:38:55
see him on Seth Meyers? >> He looks great, first of all. Sober, sober." He was getting all your dad.
00:39:00
He's my dad. He's getting all his tattoos, tats removed. And I was like,
00:39:04
"Really?" And I go, "Did you do you like his standup?" He goes, "He does stand
00:39:07
up." >> I go, "What do you Where did you go? I love his Capital One commercials."
00:39:13
>> Oh. >> I was like, "For real?" He goes, "The guy is [ __ ] good." You know, he dated
00:39:17
Kim Cart. My dad's a fan. A fan. if he met Pete Davidson the way same way my
00:39:22
dad >> loves Bill Burr. He loves him. >> Yeah, for sure. >> And my dad like
00:39:30
>> he he loves Rogan. When he met Rogan, he was like >> he's so jacked. You know, my dad's like
00:39:38
an old school 1950s celebrity guy. Like he likes like he if he's seen you on
00:39:42
something, he can't believe then he pulls you aside. You know, Rogan's not
00:39:46
as tall as I thought he'd be. You're like, "Yeah, I know." Bring that up,
00:39:48
Dad. >> It's not It's It's It's fun when you someone like that's a fan of everybody.
00:39:53
It's like that's exactly what you want someone to be like. >> Yeah. It's like I This is like I didn't
00:39:58
bring my assistant today. So, I was like, "Do I love you guys?" Like I This
00:40:02
is like a treat for me. >> Anytime it's comics here, it's easier and fun and not as much prep. I I'll
00:40:09
tell you a quick thing. When I was my high school reunion, um, one story was a guy was, well, one Julie Bowen was in
00:40:17
back in town. We were dating and she goes, "Do you want me to go with you?"
00:40:20
And I said, "Let's just, yeah, it'll be funny." So, we walked in and we wore a
00:40:24
tag. We said, "Oh, let's write Ben and JLo." So, we walk in and the first guy,
00:40:29
he goes, "You think you're [ __ ] Ben Affleck?" And I go, "All right, well,
00:40:33
this wasn't a great idea." And then the night before the party, I was at with
00:40:38
like seven guys I was pretty tight with and we're all getting in a car to go to
00:40:44
another bar the night before the thing. And it was only it's probably the 10
00:40:47
year reunion. And one guy kind of stayed behind like this and he's all [ __ ] up.
00:40:52
And he goes I go, "Hey, you coming? Let's go." And he goes, "Uh,
00:40:56
all these people like, "Oh, David Spade, you must have been so funny." I'm like,
00:41:00
"He wasn't funny. He's a [ __ ] kind of an idiot." And I go, "All right, I'm
00:41:04
going to get in the car if you guys want to meet there." And he just sat there
00:41:07
and I was like, >> he couldn't wait to just say, "Fuck you, dude." And and the other guys were all
00:41:12
cool and and you know, and those scenarios are kind of weird because you don't want to act like you're trying to
00:41:16
big time cuz I do wear nine watches >> and they're all Rolexes. And I go, "This is just what [ __ ]
00:41:22
people do." One time I did I did have a leather jacket and I went back to my old
00:41:28
comedy club and it was $400. It was the most I've ever spent and it looked like
00:41:33
Fonza. It was actually more like a dice one and I thought it was so cool and it was too big and it was too heavy and I
00:41:38
have a bad neck and so I'm sort of hunched over and it's hurting me but I
00:41:42
have to be cool. So I walk in I'm like hey and everyone's like nice jacket
00:41:46
[ __ ] I'm like everyone's changed and yeah I changed and it was the only time
00:41:52
that the guy changed and I was blaming everyone. I go everyone's so weird. I'm
00:41:56
like they don't they can't deal with a $400 jacket. Everyone's like shut up. I
00:41:59
have a It was kind of funny. >> I I was just in high school. I was just no girls, nothing. We were in the track
00:42:06
team and I knew like three people. 550 in my senior class. 10 anther. I didn't
00:42:10
go. So, it's the 20th and I'm at my peak. Wayne's world's out. Everything's
00:42:15
crazy. So, I just kind of half joking, they got in contact with me. I go, I just I want a helicopter and I want to
00:42:23
come in on the helicopter and come off the helicopter. I was kind of kidding, but sort of. So, but I ended up not
00:42:31
going and I found out that they hired someone to dress up as Gar and then they're all in the gym and hey, you
00:42:37
know, look, Wayne's World Gar is here. And he did a little dance and stuff. That was for my 20th, but I wasn't
00:42:44
there. >> Oh, that would be [ __ ] I wrote a joke as you said that. I was like, I was
00:42:48
doing so good last year. I went to other people's high school reunions. >> That's fun.
00:42:54
just for >> I love I the thing I love about uh our job like is like a like just
00:43:01
>> coming up with the dumbest [ __ ] thing >> and uh and I was going to do this bit I
00:43:06
found uh >> you know the you know Q-tips come in that blue little thing I was going to
00:43:11
pull it out in the middle and just start cleaning my ears cuz people do that with
00:43:14
toothpicks all the time and then go oh do you want that clear but I don't know
00:43:18
why I just love the idea that there's no it's my friends don't have that my
00:43:22
friends are married to a bunch of rules. Like I I got it's uh I I can't text with
00:43:29
like my old high school friends because I it's I don't know. There's not the
00:43:34
freedom, you know? >> What do you mean? >> Like I don't know. It's like uh I think
00:43:38
when you're untethered to society and you can you can text wild [ __ ] to people.
00:43:43
>> Yeah. >> Like you can't do that with everyone, you know? >> I have someone told me to tone it down.
00:43:47
>> Yeah. >> Because I I say like we talked in high school and they're like, "Dude, [ __ ] I
00:43:51
got the kids here." Mhm. >> Like they reading your phone. Just don't
00:43:55
read it out loud. What do you >> You can handle this. You can handle it. >> Yeah.
00:43:59
>> I've been on text change email change where they're going I mean, you know,
00:44:04
>> they're going really downtown. Really like if this gets out, I'm in trouble.
00:44:10
>> Get off the chain. >> But I get it when someone says the most foul thing you're not supposed to say.
00:44:15
The joke is is that they're saying it, you know? It's like dead baby jokes in
00:44:19
the in the olden times. Todd Glass is the best. Have you ever >> Yeah, Todd Glass.
00:44:23
>> My texts from Todd Glass are my favorite text. >> Yeah. Could they in the world? I cannot
00:44:27
tell you that. >> Hey, this is the third time I've texted you. I swear to God, if you don't reply,
00:44:32
I'm going to come to your house, inject AIDS into you, and light your house on
00:44:36
fire and kill your [ __ ] children. The next test, my bad. That was for my sister.
00:44:41
>> Good. >> Yeah, he has he he does leave good voicemails. >> Do you know what he did last podcast?
00:44:51
First of all, Todd Glass is the funniest man alive. Todd Glass and Mike Gibbons.
00:44:56
You know, Mike Gibbons. Mike Gibbons made me laugh yesterday harder than anyone's made me laugh. I was talking
00:45:02
about how Frank >> how Frankenstein was a really long movie. >> The new one.
00:45:07
>> The new one. Have you seen it? >> Haven't. >> Okay. And he goes, "Yeah." And you got
00:45:12
to watch the movie. But he goes, "The first 10 minutes is great. Frankenstein's coming after Victor." And
00:45:16
then Victor gets on this boat and then tells a [ __ ] two-hour story about his childhood. And he's like, "WHY IS
00:45:21
CAPTAIN GOING, TALK ABOUT THE [ __ ] MONSTER? WHAT ABOUT THE MONSTER?" But Todd Glass came to my house. Todd Glass
00:45:28
came to my house and he he first and foremost he orchestrates your like you're not you're not having a podcast
00:45:34
with him. He is running a podcast. >> Oh yeah. >> He brings a lantern, an oil filled
00:45:38
lantern. >> He lights it, lowers the lights, burns a pine pine cone so it feels like we're
00:45:43
camping. lights are dark. Has the has the my assistant hit the lights every now and then so it feels like lightning.
00:45:50
Turns the TV into a window so we're looking. So he does a whole thing like we're camping.
00:45:54
>> Yeah. He comes and stages it. >> And at the end I say, "If you want
00:45:58
anything edited out, let me know." And he goes, "I'm going to want things
00:46:00
edited in." And then sent a list of things he wanted edited in. Can you edit
00:46:05
this in to my [ __ ] >> No one watched it. No one watched the podcast because it we didn't talk about,
00:46:11
you know, [ __ ] politics. Yeah. >> But god damn it, it was so funny. >> Yeah. Todd did the we'd go on the road
00:46:17
together and he would go uh >> and we'd get to the green room and he goes uh and one was example was you just
00:46:24
talked about what's outside of Chicago. Shamberg. >> Shamberg. >> Great club. And he goes uh he goes, "Do
00:46:30
you like it?" We walk in. He goes, "I want you to see the green room." And I
00:46:32
go, "Oh." And I go, "Yeah." A couch chair. He goes, "David, there was a fan
00:46:37
back there." And I go, "Where is it?" And he goes, "Well, I came before the
00:46:41
show and set this whole this is me." And I go, "You fixed up the green room." And
00:46:46
he goes, "There was a like a rusty. We It's so It's just a bad look." And then
00:46:51
dim the lights. They didn't They did They They weren't on dimmer. So we dim
00:46:54
We got a little bit. We got some And he did the whole thing. And I go, Todd, I swear to God, I would not have noticed
00:46:59
one thing. I'm glad you did it. No, this is a green room. We don't expect
00:47:02
miracles. And then he does the same thing. He anything he does with me, he goes, "Call my phone." when he had a
00:47:07
podcast. I don't know if he still does. He was one of the first. >> He was one of the first. It's the
00:47:10
hardest I've ever laughed. Him and Roy Scoville. Yeah. Reenacting the Red Red
00:47:14
Fox intro with Billy Crystal. You ever heard that? Hold on. You had to have heard this.
00:47:20
>> That's one. >> Is that where? >> Hold on. You know that. So, hold on. I
00:47:24
can't believe I'm telling you this story. >> So, Billy Crystal is young and he's
00:47:28
opening for Red Fox and they're in Vegas. >> I think I think I've heard, but I want
00:47:32
to hear it. >> And he goes, they go, "Listen, Red's gambling and he's drinking so he might
00:47:36
be running late. you're going to need to stretch. If we need you, we'll let you
00:47:38
know. So, Bill Spilly Crystal does his 10 minutes, looks at the side, they're
00:47:40
like, "Stretch." >> So, he does 20 minutes and they're like,
00:47:43
"Stretch." >> At 45 minutes, they're still like, "Stretch." And he's like, "People are
00:47:48
getting up and leaving." He's at an hour and 15. There's maybe from the six crowd
00:47:52
of 600, there's 135 people, maybe maybe 75 people in there. And he looks to the
00:47:57
side at an hour in they go, "He's here. Wrap it up." >> So, he's like, "All right, ladies and
00:48:00
gentlemen, the man of the hour, the man you've been waiting to see. He's uh you
00:48:04
might know him from Sanford and Sun, but Ladies and gentlemen, Red Fox. And the band goes
00:48:16
Red Fox, goes, "Fuck this. I ain't performing for 75 people." Walks off.
00:48:20
The band goes, >> they go, "Fuck it. We're getting paid." Well,
00:48:28
they play the song on. Yeah. They play the whole song on and then they just go right into it.
00:48:34
>> That's his closer. Yeah. >> There's so many comics that are [ __ ]
00:48:39
hilarious >> that >> that are funnier than all of us >> that that you don't know famous
00:48:43
>> that not famous. >> Andy Kindler, remember him? >> Yes. Do you remember he would do State
00:48:48
of the Union? >> Do you remember he would do State of the Union in comedy in at at Montreal?
00:48:54
>> Yeah. And what was he what he doing? >> He would basically roast the state of
00:48:59
comedy, >> right? And you >> and it was and you would hope to be in it. Yeah,
00:49:03
>> you'd be hoped to be in it and he'd just destroy ah he hated Louis CK.
00:49:09
>> He hat before allegations he hated Louis CK >> and he'd quote his act
00:49:13
>> but everyone would show up to watch him >> roast comedy. That was the f the one
00:49:18
time I went to Montreal >> and it didn't really pay off back then. It pays off now. Different things pay
00:49:22
off now from different things get picked up. >> Listen, the new year is here. Dana, you
00:49:28
you've read all the papers. You heard about it January. Yeah. >> Mhm. And and I by your hair I can tell you're
00:49:35
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Wayfair, every style, every home. >> I was watching Kathleen Madigan's
00:51:35
special the last night. >> Yeah, >> it's so good. She is so talented.
00:51:42
>> She's one of those people. My mom will send me clips of her. My mom's obsessed
00:51:46
with Kathleen Madigan. And there her material is she is just it's it's it's
00:51:52
I don't think enough young comics are working on finding their voice as opposed to getting clicks and selling
00:52:00
tickets. just the wording, just the phrasing, just the uh way people if you see a good comic and it's so thought out
00:52:06
that it looks effortless and you go, "Oh my god, just it's like a song, you go,
00:52:10
"Oh, that's exactly perfectly done." >> Yeah. >> Yeah. like the Cath Kathleen Madigan uh
00:52:16
uh Jackie Kian is Jackie Kishan's >> her she her her talking about her family
00:52:23
when you I I love when a comic talks about their family and and because you don't have to be related to that family
00:52:29
to understand the thing Kathleen Madigan has a joke about going to Target with her target with her mom and her saying
00:52:34
she had a headache and her mom pulls out a pill and she goes here take this and then Kathleen takes it she goes wait not
00:52:39
that one she goes mom what did I just take. She goes, "I don't know. What did it look
00:52:44
like?" She goes, "I don't know. I took it." But like like that developing your
00:52:49
voice. >> Yeah. >> Is the important part of comedy. It's not selling tickets. It's that it's and
00:52:55
it selling tickets is important, >> but >> when you have like and that's something
00:53:01
that that when I started was like I just want to do it long enough to find my voice.
00:53:06
You don't find your voice for like 10 years. I don't think you find your voice
00:53:09
till you're 40. >> Yeah. Um, I think authenticity now because social media I think that's part
00:53:14
of what your appeal is that people they know you. They feel like they really know.
00:53:19
>> I overshared. I overshare. Like I I way overshared. >> Do you feel like you told
00:53:23
>> But isn't that part of I mean it's being vulnerable like that. >> I go like this. I think we know the
00:53:29
answer >> cuz I saw I watched the first bits on your last two specials and one was you
00:53:34
lost weight so you could see yourself getting blown. You were kind of disappointed. That was your opener.
00:53:38
>> I was shocked. It's very very funny. >> The first time I saw her suck my dick, I
00:53:41
WENT OH >> THIS IS what you deal with. >> This is crazy. >> So I'm like this guy's being And then
00:53:48
the other one razledazzle was about ass hair being all >> intertwined. That was your opener.
00:53:53
>> So that so so okay we talk about we talk about cheat codes. >> Yeah.
00:53:58
>> I >> get them not to turn away. >> The the I mean I more people should hear
00:54:03
this. The first words out of your mouth. >> It's a Tik Tok. Don't let them skip.
00:54:08
>> This is we're talking algorithms. We're not talking about comedy. We're talking
00:54:10
about >> Don't let them don't give you a minute to minute. >> Dude, when I did mine, I go, I don't
00:54:14
want to do the walk out. Get I'm giving him a chance to get lost. >> Shout out to Nor McDonald.
00:54:18
>> You [ __ ] go, "Hello." You walk. They go, "Ladies and gentlemen." Or you just
00:54:21
start with a cold open anything. >> I I can almost do the >> What did they know?
00:54:26
>> I can almost do my >> uh my opening jokes from all my specials. Uh secret time is uh I said,
00:54:32
"Guys, we're just going to get drunk and tell secret." Secret time sometimes I
00:54:34
dry my [ __ ] on the bed. Secret time. Uh, secret time. Sometimes I spit on the toilet paper, wipe my ass. Call
00:54:39
Mississippi wet wipe. Secret time. Those are the first two. Then it was uh secret
00:54:43
time. I took his [ __ ] so big the other day and that I took his [ __ ] so bad the
00:54:47
other day I made the guy in the stall next to me throw up. >> We were and we were in Japan so I
00:54:51
thought he was talking to me. He was like, >> so I but but then people go, "What's
00:54:57
your overall point? I want to hear this." But it's I watch people do a three to five minute sketch and I go
00:55:05
that's not why I'm here. And no offense, some are very good. Some are very good,
00:55:10
>> but I'm not there for the sketch. I want to see your standup. I also don't give a
00:55:15
[ __ ] what city you filmed it in. >> I don't care about >> I can't tell. They don't care.
00:55:20
>> It's You're not the the biggest mistake I watched. And by the way, I watch
00:55:25
everyone's [ __ ] special. I mean, I watch every special because I want to see what's happening and what people are
00:55:31
doing because I don't want to do the same type of [ __ ] >> I've I've watched
00:55:35
>> I've watched people put uh talk about the city they're in. I love this city.
00:55:40
This is a great city. You're not making the special for the people in the room.
00:55:44
You're making it for the people there. >> Right. >> I said Denver in mind because I said
00:55:50
Denver. >> I'm such a [ __ ] loser. I said I did a joke and then I said Denver. I said it's
00:55:59
true about the altitude. Does it make you pee? Because last night I peed so far I couldn't clear the bed.
00:56:09
>> It was some What did I say? >> What? >> It was some >> I think you from the bed you peed into
00:56:14
the bathroom. >> Oh, I said the altitude makes you pee because whatever what I've done.
00:56:18
>> It wasn't even that funny. I couldn't make sense. But it was just a joke. But
00:56:21
it you didn't really have to know the city. But a lot of people do 5 minutes
00:56:25
on the city. And I'm like, we're not here for the crowd work of the city.
00:56:27
>> The crowd work. Yeah. You can like what I've done. I I did this in Cleveland on
00:56:32
Hey Big Boy. >> All these specials. >> Razledazzle. Hey Big Boy. Root is a great one. HOLD ON.
00:56:42
>> HOLD ON. I MIGHT CALL MY NEXT SPECIAL ROOT. >> Root and is great.
00:56:46
>> Renoton is [ __ ] brilliant. >> Yeah, >> that's a great title. and your you got
00:56:51
beer cans in in that is [ __ ] hysterical. >> Uh I what I've done sometimes is cuz
00:57:01
like in Cleveland for whatever reason my opening joke and I can't remember what
00:57:05
it is right now but wasn't popping the way I wanted. >> Hey Cleveland.
00:57:09
>> So what I but I knew the joke was funny but for some reason it wasn't working.
00:57:12
So I went out and I made a joke about Cleveland and I edited it out and then started with that first joke and it
00:57:17
worked. Yeah. And it was a it was a it's a city joke. I go Cleveland. You got to
00:57:21
love a city like Cleveland where the people in the city define this city. There's no cities like that where they
00:57:27
make up this city and they start cheering. I go no. I mean there's a couple. You've got Rwanda, Belfast.
00:57:35
But uh but yeah. And then the other thing is like you know I I don't know. I've I've
00:57:41
watched I've just watched enough specials like the best Dave Chappelle's
00:57:46
my my favorite. >> Sure. I was going to ask you who you think is the current GOAT.
00:57:51
>> Dave Chappelle in my opinion uh is he does zero wrong in my opinion. And I know that that's not everyone
00:57:59
agrees with that, you know, but like zero wrong. When he >> he told the joke about hanging out with
00:58:04
Jim Carrey on Man on the Moon, you've heard that. >> Yeah. >> And he goes he goes that's what I feel
00:58:08
like when I talk to his in character talking Andy. >> He kind of faded out there.
00:58:15
>> The trans people. >> There you go. That joke is brilliant. His kicker in
00:58:19
the [ __ ] joke is my favorite joke I've ever heard. >> His what? >> Kicker in the [ __ ]
00:58:23
>> He goes, "I'm so dope." >> He goes, "I don't even need to do this.
00:58:26
I'm so dope. I I challenge myself. I have a fishbowl and I pull it out sometimes and it I just read the punch
00:58:33
line and then I got a ready joke about it. I pulled out this morning said kicker in the pussy." And then he
00:58:37
misdirects, goes into a story about growing up around white people and what it's like to eat dinner at a white
00:58:45
person's house and they're making hamburger helper and then David, I need
00:58:48
you to set the table. He goes into the bathroom. He doesn't want to set the table. The mom opens the door and goes,
00:58:53
"David, I apologize, but if you're not going to help, then you can't eat it."
00:58:56
He goes, "They were talking about Hamburger Helper." So I kicked her in
00:58:59
the [ __ ] I told you. And like it's my favorite. I like right before I did Lucky.
00:59:08
>> Is that another one? >> Yeah, there's another one. >> Right before I did Lucky, I was like I
00:59:13
was like, "Yo, I was with Chappelle in Ohio >> and we're partying. We're having a good
00:59:19
time. We're just talking [ __ ] It's just me and him and like maybe D Tony Woods
00:59:23
might have been there and like some other like a couple conference touring with me
00:59:28
>> and we're just bullshitting and I go, "Hey man, I I hate to that I I'm going
00:59:32
to do this to you, >> but like I got to talk comedy." I was like, "You're in my opinion the greatest
00:59:37
ever do it." I was like, "Give me the secret to what how you make a special."
00:59:41
And he like looks around, lights a cigarette, and he's like, "All right,
00:59:44
here we go." And I'm like, >> "Yeah, boy." >> And I just sat there and I was like, "Oh
00:59:48
my god." And so when I shot Lucky, I did six. I shot six. I shot six shows.
00:59:56
>> Oh, you did six. >> Oh, I do. Um I do eight if I could. I do. >> I was going to ask you about that, too,
01:00:01
cuz I think it is an advantage because then you're not really shooting a special in a way. You're just doing
01:00:06
another set. >> But if you have if you ever done one where you had one night only, one time
01:00:10
only stress of >> I had in when I did Secret Time, I did two shows. >> Okay. And by the way, I had sold six at
01:00:17
the Tro, but you know, it was two shows. It's a >> I'll give you all the real numbers. So,
01:00:22
because I think this is expensive to shoot a couple $325,000 at the time to shoot spe to to shoot Lucky. I spend way
01:00:28
more now on a special, but it was 325,000 $350,000 to shoot uh uh Secret Time. >> Was that one
01:00:36
>> one night? >> One night, two shows. >> One night, two shows.
01:00:38
>> Okay. first show, the power goes out, they have to hold the audience outside, a thunderstorm
01:00:46
rolls in, they're soaking wet, the beer uh thing clogs up, >> and they're miserable. And we're in
01:00:53
Philadelphia >> and I [ __ ] bomb with the spe with a spe a fine-tuned I bomb. I mean to the
01:01:02
point where at one point I was walking and I stepped on the mic cord and I pulled the mic away from my mouth like I
01:01:08
went and the punch line's this and I went damn it >> right at the punch line.
01:01:12
>> And my wife is always executive produces everything I do because she's pretty
01:01:16
intimate with my material. And I told her I said any flubs just write them down. I'm sitting in the green room
01:01:21
after that first show with my producer Tony Hernandez who's like hey >> we got one in the can. There's a lot of
01:01:27
good stuff. >> That's the first thing they always say. >> Oh they always say you're playing with
01:01:30
house money. You got you got this. >> Leanne walks in and goes I go with Ernie
01:01:34
Flub. She goes, "Honey, that was shit." >> She I don't know what to tell you. She
01:01:39
goes, "You know, cuz I I've always I love pressure. I love pressure. I love
01:01:43
pressure." >> And she goes, "Uh, you always say you like pressure." Well, big boy, it's on
01:01:48
you now. You better You better not [ __ ] up this next one. >> And my buddy Tonyy's like, "Jesus
01:01:53
Christ." >> He's like, "You want to do a should we do a shot?" I don't ever really drink
01:01:57
before I go on stage. like I never I'm going to have but I don't per if I'm
01:02:01
especially if I'm doing a special >> special. >> So I was like no. And then Tony is like
01:02:04
very wisely goes maybe we should get like a cup of coffee. >> So I get a cup of coffee. I go out and I
01:02:09
do the second show and I have what I can only say is at I can quantify it as one
01:02:15
of the five best sets of my life. And I walked away and I was like I will never do two shows again. I will never do two
01:02:20
shows. I go to the next one. I say Tony what does four shows cost? He does math.
01:02:24
He goes 50 grand more. I went, "What?" >> Oh, I didn't know that.
01:02:27
>> You've already got all the [ __ ] [ __ ] >> Just like housing everybody.
01:02:30
>> Yeah. He was 15 or more. I go, "Cleveland. Let's shoot. Let's shoot
01:02:33
four in Cleveland for Hey, Big Boy." And they're like, "Great. We do four."
01:02:38
>> One of the shows I have mustard on my pants, >> right? Oh, you can't use it.
01:02:42
>> And I I go, "Who the [ __ ] >> That's the name of your >> No one told me about matching."
01:02:46
>> No one told me. I go, "Why did I get mustard by my pants?" Lean's like, "You
01:02:48
said you wanted hot dogs." And I was like, "But why wouldn't >> Cuz it was on your dick."
01:02:52
>> Yeah. And and then and my and like so I go I and and by the way I bomb the fir
01:02:57
what you don't realize and when you shoot a special and this is like really in the weeds that first show you do is
01:03:02
kind of unusable meaning all the cameramen and the director haven't seen the hour. They don't know what they're
01:03:08
shooting the second show they're kind of dialed in a little more by the third
01:03:11
show. So that real fourth show everyone rehearsal. >> Yeah it's rehearsal. So then the next
01:03:17
year I go I'm doing [ __ ] six shows. I I think I did four for Razledazzle maybe, but I did six for Lucky. I go,
01:03:25
I'm doing six. And I'll tell you, six is too much. >> Too much stress.
01:03:29
>> I got I got it. I got it by I got it perfect. Well, but the best thing about
01:03:32
doing six is >> I applied what Dave told me to the last two. And those last two shows, that's
01:03:39
all we used or >> what did he say? >> Without, you know, I'm sure Dave would
01:03:43
share this with anyone if he told it to me. He said, he said, "Let it, let it,
01:03:48
let it be in the air. Let it Don't try to dial it in to make it this. Let it be
01:03:53
in the air and allow those moments like in a comedy club, like those explosive moments to happen and let and let
01:03:58
yourself find them." I'm paraphrasing a little bit, but he was saying, "Don't be
01:04:05
married to it. Let it ex let it exist." And what happened is I did, you know,
01:04:10
pretty much the exact same show >> uh four times almost within, you know, and then on those last two nights, I'd
01:04:17
gotten it and we were sitting at the bar and my wife's like, "You got it. It's
01:04:21
done. We don't need these two shows." And my buddy Tony said, "Hey, man,
01:04:25
>> there's two stories I haven't heard you tell that I'd love to hear you tell. I I
01:04:28
know you can tell. >> Just why not?" >> And he was like, "You should do those on
01:04:31
this next show." One was the Snoop Dog story and one was about my dog getting
01:04:35
uh putting our dog down and uh and I so I threw them in and I changed up things and and those two shows I mean the
01:04:42
things that I thought were the closers never was were the closers but everything you know. Yeah. So doing six
01:04:47
shows I I benefited from it. U I'd like to do six for the next special. I don't
01:04:51
know but I'm not doing that till 2027. >> Yeah. Well, you get rid of the tight
01:04:55
eyes because I've seen even really good and I've done a special same thing. had
01:04:58
one show and it was just tight and I felt like I had to get through my outline. Now, if you're in a club of 300
01:05:05
people and you you you do what Chappelle is saying to do when you when you're
01:05:09
shooting your special. Yeah. >> You take things. Oh, we'll just stay here for a while. Oh, you like this
01:05:13
story? And with me, if I'm doing, you know, Joe Biden, if they're digging it, I'll
01:05:19
just go for 20 minutes or 10 minutes. Yeah. But if I'm shooting a special, I
01:05:23
feel like So, I mean, >> yeah. And you have a set list on a >> keep. I write it on I write I have I'm
01:05:30
really OCD. I write it on my stool. Yeah. >> And then I keep the stool heads from all
01:05:34
my specials. They have >> on the stool. I write on a piece of paper. You keep it.
01:05:37
>> I write write it in a on in a paint pen and silver on the stools and I name the
01:05:42
special up top. >> Oh, that's cool. >> And I put my set list on a stool.
01:05:45
>> That should be your >> Where are these stools? >> Uh >> in a [ __ ] garage.
01:05:49
>> I know where mine are. >> All right. Before Bert goes, ask him his
01:05:55
show. >> Very Freeird. Is it? >> Free. Yeah, >> Freebert on Netflix. And this is like a
01:06:00
single camera half hour. >> Single camera. >> Kind of like tires then.
01:06:03
>> A lot like tires. I mean, not not actually not like it. It's probably not
01:06:07
as funny, but >> about that. >> No, Tires is I >> And what's the by line on Freeird?
01:06:13
>> It was uh >> the story. >> It's uh really just fish out of water.
01:06:17
It's it's really about >> when I about how I've always felt about
01:06:21
myself is I am this big loud personality and sometimes I try to conform and fit in and whenever I do I very much [ __ ] up
01:06:28
and it's pulled from our direct lives meaning I within the first episode I go
01:06:33
on a podcast and I say something very inappropriate about my daughters like with Isa we were going to use this but
01:06:40
it was but I I it already happened and it's but Isa uh >> I talked about when she got her period
01:06:46
on Conan And like she cuz she threw herself a period party. >> What was she doing on Conan?
01:06:51
>> She I was backstage Conan and Conan's like, "How are the girls?" And I go, "Oh,
01:06:55
good. Ida just got her period." And he was like, "What?" And I was like,
01:06:58
"Yeah." I said, "She threw herself a period party." He goes, "What's that?" I
01:07:01
go, "They all dress in red and we have a red velvet cake and she names her period. We put it on the cake and they
01:07:07
eat drink Kool-Aid and eat pasta and with red sauce." And >> he's like, "Are you [ __ ] serious?"
01:07:12
>> And I go, "Yeah." And they invite two boys and they don't tell them why
01:07:14
they're there. And then the boys were like, "What the fuck?" You know, and he
01:07:17
was like, "What does she name her period?" I said, "Jason." She got on
01:07:20
Friday the 13th. He's like, "Well, can we talk about this?" I go, "Yeah, yeah."
01:07:23
You know, you just >> Every one of us want to make someone happy. >> You just say yes.
01:07:26
>> And I tell the period, it ended up becoming a bit on a special that I did,
01:07:31
but I tell it on Conan. And that night, I'm on the I'm flying on the road and
01:07:35
Isa's watching >> Conan with Leanne. And I was like, he's like, "So, how's how are your girls
01:07:40
doing?" I go, "Good." I go, "Ila just got her period." And she had paws. She
01:07:43
goes, she's like 10 year 12 years old. She goes, "Yo, do a lot of people watch
01:07:46
this?" And my wife's like, "Yeah." She was like, "Dude, what's he going to
01:07:51
say?" She's like, "I don't know." And then she watched it and she was like,
01:07:56
>> she was like, >> "Yo, >> yo." >> And then the next morning, my inbox was
01:08:02
flooded. It was all little girls writing in to say, "Hey, thank you for sharing
01:08:08
that story. I've been freaked out about getting my period. Now we're throwing a
01:08:11
period party." Isla's Isla became this like [ __ ] feminist hero. So, she was
01:08:15
cool with it. But that is the the premise in this show is I go in I'd make a joke about my daughter Georgia
01:08:21
>> and it [ __ ] her up at school and then I try to write that boat and I just make
01:08:25
things way worse. And it's and it's all you know you know I don't you guys
01:08:29
probably never experienced this but like >> when you're a struggling comic with kids
01:08:34
at a school where all the parents are execs and agents and you just really feel like
01:08:41
you don't belong. I remember I remember this is how w how I remember Billy Crutup was at our school and also
01:08:49
>> we had him on his podcast a little nice guy. >> Yeah. >> He was at our school and uh he was
01:08:56
dating Claire Danes. >> He was married he had been married to like some lady who's very famous
01:09:03
>> and they had a kid >> and her kid was at our school. Uh Nia Vardalos, uh Jay Shandar, uh uh uh Fred
01:09:11
Savage, all the they're all the kids at our school. >> Sure. >> And Billy caught up in Clarane start
01:09:16
dating and we have a big picnic for the end of the year and one of the parents took pictures of them and sold them to
01:09:23
the Inquirer where to TMZ and they came to me and they're like the principal,
01:09:28
yo, >> did you take pictures of Billy Cup and and uh Clou had a camera? I go, yeah, I'm a dad. I
01:09:36
take pictures of my kid and they're like, "Yeah, well someone sold it for
01:09:39
money and I mean we were looking around because I was broke and I was like >> they wanted you to accused me of taking
01:09:46
and I liked Billy Crutup a lot like he was the coolest guy to me out of that all the people at school. I would never
01:09:51
[ __ ] that guy over and I was like I was but that >> when you're that much of an outsider
01:09:56
that they think that you would take pictures of people sure >> to sell them.
01:10:00
>> That's a little bit what this has is like I was an outsider and I'm I'm I'm a
01:10:03
guy who takes a shirt off. I drink a lot. You know, like people would say stuff to me at like school like, uh,
01:10:09
>> well, Bert, we used to have Bert host the silent auction and they're like
01:10:12
like, is he going to take a shot and get hammered? And like and you're like,
01:10:16
guys, I'm not the [ __ ] So, like that's that's the premise is Fish Out of
01:10:20
Water. >> Sounds good. >> It's good. I'm I'm really happy with it.
01:10:23
I >> When does it start? starts January 22nd and uh done >> the >> the girl the girls that play my
01:10:30
daughters kind of steal it a little bit and they're so talented. Ardan uh Ardan
01:10:36
Marine is my wife and then we got just this great cast of great cast of dudes. >> Who is the woman you showed us? The
01:10:43
young >> Oh, Ava Ryan. >> Ava Ryan is she plays Georgia. And this little girl, Leelu,
01:10:50
is isa. And this kid is, I'm telling you, untethered. Like, she is she is she
01:11:00
walked into the audition, her first audition ever. Walked in and she goes, "Which one's Jud Appatel?"
01:11:07
>> That's a joke. >> And no, I thought she was she just heard about Jud.
01:11:12
>> No, because he was originally he was attached as a producer >> and he he left the project. uh uh
01:11:18
because I think he just changed up his career and he was like I'm doing other
01:11:20
things whatever I don't know but he >> he was like I am she goes okay my
01:11:25
brothers are fans of yours all right how do we do this and I was like just come over here she was like Bert and I was
01:11:31
like hey she goes I like this guy all right what are we doing I mean just >> how old is she
01:11:35
>> there's uh >> at the time >> there's uh she's I don't know she's got
01:11:39
to be like eight no 10 >> Dakota >> she said she said we had this scene I
01:11:44
mean like >> I don't want to I won't give away too much. There's a scene where I [ __ ]
01:11:49
things up at dinner table and >> and everyone leaves and it's just me and
01:11:54
her and it's awkward. It should be like and cut and this kid decided to go on a
01:11:59
[ __ ] rant >> like a pumpup speech to me and there were so many versions of a little a
01:12:06
child getting in my face, don't let those [ __ ] change you. >> Don't let anyone [ __ ] change when you
01:12:11
fight a bull, do you run away from it? And I'm like, yeah. She goes, no, you
01:12:15
run right the [ __ ] out. just improvising the audience. >> I'm like sitting there watching this kid
01:12:20
>> and then she's like, "Have a sip of your beer." I go, "No, what? Who the [ __ ] are
01:12:23
you? She just is like she's just a real spirit and and she I mean her improvs
01:12:30
were so funny that we kept the vast majority of them in. I mean, she is >> she has one improv that I that I can't
01:12:39
really tell cuz it would give away so much. She has one improv that I didn't
01:12:42
even know she did that I was as I was watching the final episode, I fell off the treadmill laughing.
01:12:47
>> I fell off the treadmill laughing. This kid is so and and Ava is so >> Ava the whole story rides on Ava. So she
01:12:55
carries it on her shoulders the whole story >> and it's the kids are incredible. Yeah.
01:13:00
>> Great. >> It was a cool experience. I do more I'd do more in a heartbeat.
01:13:03
>> How many you do? >> Six. >> Okay. >> Six. And I like acting. I never thought
01:13:07
I'd liked acting when I did The Machine, but like I >> I really enjoyed it. I enjoy it a lot.
01:13:12
>> Well, that was my last well, last question. The machine like because people do indie films, want to do indie
01:13:19
films, comedians want to put them together. You have a period of time away from it. It seemed like it was a big
01:13:25
success. But what did you learn from it? Like if you did a second one, how would
01:13:29
you do it different, if anything? >> I would make it shorter. >> The film.
01:13:33
>> The film entirely. I would make it shorter. That's the number one thing I
01:13:36
think it was. I think it was like I think it was like two hours maybe. I don't know. It was I think it was long.
01:13:42
>> I make it shorter. I make it for less money. Um and uh >> how would you save that money just by
01:13:49
being more economical with the cameras and stuff? >> Wildly. I I would I uh I I right now I I
01:13:57
think Okay, this is a big question. I think movies are going to die. I think if Netflix buys Warner Brothers, we can
01:14:05
say goodbye to movies in general in the future. Movies will be like uh like the way people listen to vinyl records.
01:14:11
>> Why are they too expensive? >> They're too expensive and there's no way
01:14:13
to make money off them. And and to be honest with you, you could do a reality. Me and you could host a reality show for
01:14:18
Netflix uh like uh reality competition show uh The Fattest Baker. >> And it'll do better, right?
01:14:23
>> It'll it'll be it'll be so much more economically uh and me and you will make
01:14:27
a ton of [ __ ] money. If me and you go to Netflix to make a movie, we'll maybe
01:14:30
make $300,000 each. >> Yeah, it's hard. >> And and and then all the money is going
01:14:34
to go into the budget. There's no back end anymore. You don't get points on
01:14:37
anything because you're not >> streamers. You Yeah. >> And and I got to be honest with you,
01:14:42
David, if I saw this kid, they were building a fort. These four kids, they were in a tree and they were building a
01:14:47
fort and one kid fell out of the tree and knocked the wind out of him. And I laughed for I watched it up maybe 20
01:14:53
times and I laughed for a solid 20 minutes. Me and you could not make anything funnier than that than a child
01:14:58
falling out of a tree. Yeah. I It's It's It's the [ __ ] hardest I've ever
01:15:03
laughed. So, in order to do a movie, >> you mean reality and and things that are
01:15:08
cheap and things that are real. >> And I know people are getting upset right now going like, "Hold on. Don't
01:15:12
say that." No, but you changed it. I hate to say this. The person watching this, you and me, we're all complicit.
01:15:18
We stopped going to movie theaters. So, and that's where the money's made.
01:15:21
That's where they make money on a movie is in the movie theaters. We stopped
01:15:24
going to movie theaters. I went I saw I had every intention of seeing Laur Leonardo DiCaprio's new movie the one
01:15:30
battle after another. Every intention of seeing in the movie theaters. I didn't.
01:15:33
>> I I could have. >> When was the last big comedy that made a lot of money
01:15:38
>> in theaters? >> It's I've never I haven't seen a long
01:15:43
time. >> I think the last mega one was Bruce Almighty with Jim Carrey. Like mega.
01:15:49
Yeah. That's going >> The Hangovers did well. >> Hangover did hangover. That was 2012,
01:15:53
2013. >> But but in the last 10 years, I know what you mean. And it is also the
01:15:58
conceit of funny people in a movie, you're already kind of behind the eightball a little bit. Yeah. If it
01:16:03
happens by accident, I find myself laughing. Kristoff Walls in in Glorious Bastards was hilarious. Yeah. You know,
01:16:10
and Django and Chain. But yeah, comedyy's tricky that way. >> Comedyy's tricky. And And listen, I I
01:16:15
was talking to a company that's like, you know, figuring out $10 million for
01:16:20
movies. So, every movie is going to be roughly like, you know, 2.5 around there.
01:16:25
>> That's tough. >> Am I right? Now, for $10 million, you can do six episodes of a TV show.
01:16:32
>> Yeah. >> Okay. So, all right. So, then we got six different things we can put out there.
01:16:36
The streamer I think I I just think I think things are changing so quickly right now that like I don't know if
01:16:44
they're ever they're not I will never be a part of another $35 million movie. I
01:16:49
doubt unless I get cast in something like it's just there's not there's no
01:16:52
way to make that money back. >> That is a big budget. Yeah, >> that's a crazy budget. And and you look
01:16:56
at like Frankenstein was $150 million >> and and they it was on Netflix. >> Maybe it's making I don't even know. I
01:17:05
don't know how it works, but yeah, Netflix has a lot of money. >> But also also I we have this weird
01:17:09
ability where we can talk for one hour and maintain an audience, which is what you'd want to do in a movie, right?
01:17:14
Yeah. >> And we can also make a ton of money for doing it for on Netflix. So I part of me
01:17:20
is like my dad used to go, don't think because you're good at one thing, you're
01:17:24
good at everything. >> Don't think because you're good at comedy, you should open a restaurant
01:17:27
>> or or you should, you know, he goes stick with what you're good at. So I'm
01:17:31
good at standup, so I'll just keep doing specials >> until they want me to not do. But even
01:17:36
specials are [ __ ] tough because you look at YouTube and YouTube, they're just as competitive as Netflix.
01:17:41
>> Oh yeah. Just release them on YouTube. There's when when when I did Secret
01:17:45
Time, there was maybe I'm going to I'm going to be generous. Maybe 50 seven specials released that year,
01:17:54
right? That's how many Jesus. >> Think about it, right? Netflix. >> Yeah. More than one a week. Amazon
01:17:59
Prime. >> It was one a week. How do they do? One a week. And then some other people
01:18:02
released it on YouTube, but not a lot. Maybe seven people on YouTube. >> Got to give.
01:18:06
>> Yeah. So, so, so it was easy to at least get your head above water with with a
01:18:11
special >> and then next year there was, you know, let's say there was 70.
01:18:16
>> When I released Lucky, I'm guessing there were a thousand specials released
01:18:20
that year >> between all of the between like Yeah. the all ecosystem and releasing it on
01:18:25
YouTube. >> Yeah. And so to stand out is is so tough >> that like when I release Root and Totin
01:18:33
>> there's going to be >> or rack them another one >> there will be there will be easily
01:18:38
probably 3,000 specials released that that yeah that that year and so >> so yeah I don't know I'm really
01:18:45
fascinated to see what happens with this business. >> Yeah, your mind is amazing the way you
01:18:49
process show business. Let's just for a second right as we mic drop this. >> You've got your halfhour show on
01:18:56
Netflix. >> You've got a current special and then many other on Netflix. You've got your
01:19:01
tours starting up. Yeah. >> Going to go to Europe playing a lot of arenas and and you know the Wisconsin
01:19:08
Center like big rooms. What what else? You have your cooking show. >> Yeah.
01:19:14
>> And you and Tom still have two cave and you also have the birdcast. >> Yeah.
01:19:18
>> Jesus Christ. >> Okay. Am I missing anything >> behind me? How the
01:19:21
>> I don't know. You're remembering everything. >> I don't know. I just kind of going
01:19:23
through my head. But it is amazing. I just say you're a force of nature. It's
01:19:27
really remarkable to watch. Freeird >> Freeird >> and you're having so much fun with it. I
01:19:32
>> love it. I'm the happiest person alive. I mean really honestly I Well, you know,
01:19:36
I thought I I Tim Dylan one time said to me, I was having an anxiety attack and Tim goes, "Why?"
01:19:42
>> He goes, "It never gets better than today." I said, "What are you talking
01:19:45
about?" He goes, "Hey, buddy, no one's told you to quit drinking. You've never
01:19:49
supposed to make this much money. Your wife loves you. Your kids love you. Your parents still alive. Your sisters are
01:19:54
doing great. Everything. Today is the greatest. You'd kill for this. Today's
01:19:58
the greatest day of your life. You got a TV show coming out. You got movies lined
01:20:02
up. You got you I don't ever need to work again. I got all the watches I need. I don't care about cars. Like,
01:20:09
holy [ __ ] Today is the greatest day I'm ever going to have. Tomorrow could just
01:20:12
get worse. Today is [ __ ] awesome. 10 years ago, very wise you would take this deal.
01:20:18
>> It's it's beyond anything you think of. >> 10 years ago, if you had said, "Hey, let
01:20:21
me let me tell you your life. You're going to first of all, you're going to
01:20:23
hang out with David Dana KBY and David Davis Paid for the afternoon." Okay,
01:20:26
that's number one. But they're going to talk about the project that you're doing
01:20:29
for Netflix. They gave you a ton of money to make a TV show and you'll be working doing arenas while you're
01:20:34
working on tour. And just so you know, every [ __ ] Thursday, this black guy's
01:20:39
going to come in the room and [ __ ] you in the ass. Now, you're not going to
01:20:41
like that. You're not going to like it. But every Thursday, you got that. But
01:20:43
you get all the other stuff. I go, I'm in. I'm in. I'll take black eye, too.
01:20:46
>> There's our glad >> I'm not making him black. >> It's all right.
01:20:51
>> It's size >> 2025. >> Thank you, Bert. >> I love you, everybody.
01:20:59
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01:21:16
>> Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey, an executive produced by Danny Carvey
01:21:20
and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Mattie Sprung Kaiser, and Leah Reese Dennis of Odyssey. Our senior
01:21:27
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