00:00:00
Sebastian, I don't my toenails. >> No, you went to the fight at the in
00:00:06
towards >> I should have paused. >> Directly in front of me is Michael
00:00:12
Irvin, who's a funny dude to talk to, football player. 1,000% blocks my view
00:00:17
of the fight. 1 million maybe. He stands up. Anytime they go ding ding, he's up.
00:00:22
And I'm like, there's there's nothing happened yet. But, you know, if there's
00:00:26
like a full beatdown, everyone jumps up. But he he jumps up if there's a shin
00:00:31
kick. I follow, you know, like Sarah or Marcelo and they they just they >> Sarah Marcelo.
00:00:40
>> Yeah. >> And so they play clips or I follow SNL or I follow NBC or I follow that general
00:00:45
area of uh location of 30 Rock >> and I follow Midtown Manhattan. >> Do you follow me on Instagram,
00:00:55
>> Dana? Not right now. Just because I'm kind of keeping a tight friend group.
00:01:00
>> Oh, yeah. Danny, you should come visit. >> I don't get vertical without a paycheck.
00:01:05
All right. >> What's vertical get in the air? >> Yeah, that's the thing is like, let me
00:01:12
let me let me quiz you right away. Uh, >> yeah. Go. >> You're uh you're 10 12 year old David.
00:01:20
>> Yeah. >> Like Batman's on, mommy. you know, >> and you see a comedian and you're kind
00:01:25
of like, you have a little daydream in your head like, maybe I could do that. >> Yeah.
00:01:30
>> And you thought you'd be on a set or you'd be in a studio. Um, and then you spend your whole life
00:01:38
up in the air. >> Oh. To say, "Oh, I'm going to be a standup."
00:01:45
>> Yeah. And I'm going to do that. And then you realize that like we um we have
00:01:50
getting a message. This is David. Your laptop's still slightly in frame. >> Oh, we're trying to do our bits. Yeah,
00:02:00
>> this is coming. It's just coming in cuz I did a um >> a gig in Miami and we decided to drive
00:02:08
from where I am sort of north. >> So, it's three hours to the airport.
00:02:13
There's a three-hour delay and then the flight. So, from point to point, it was
00:02:18
13 hours. Now, when I did my performance there, it was a for this sort of event and I did
00:02:26
45 minutes and then I had another 13 hours back. And you go, well, what do you really do? Well, I do stand up for
00:02:35
45 minutes. Traveler. Yeah. >> And I travel for 25 hours. >> Yeah. >> What am I really doing? Am I doing
00:02:43
>> Yeah, I understand that. I mean, >> do you really? >> I don't.
00:02:47
>> Don't hate my hair. We have different hair day. Yours is fluffy and loose and carefree and fancy
00:02:53
free and mine is shellaced. >> Yeah. You just put like super glue on it, right? And it just stays for like a
00:03:00
week. >> I'm trying. I try to keep it because I have to have it. Are you trying shows?
00:03:05
>> That's your second. Are you uh But am I is my head too high in the frame or are
00:03:11
you okay with it? >> No, I think I think you're okay. I just get I get messages. Excuse me. Come in.
00:03:16
Come in. Holtzman. Holtzman one, come in. >> They don't know is that we get tight
00:03:20
messages like, "Everything you're saying sounds stupid. Change it." We're like,
00:03:24
"Oh, okay. >> Hey, we're 400 shows in. What do you want?" >> Yeah.
00:03:30
>> It's called fresh out of ideas. >> No, we're fresh but out of ideas.
00:03:39
>> Yeah. I I was Okay. I went to the UFC fight this weekend. >> Of course you did.
00:03:44
>> Ronda Rousey. >> Oh, yeah. Gina Corano, >> is that how you say it?
00:03:49
>> Love Rousey. >> Both lovely ladies back in the swing after a while. And uh
00:03:56
>> you know it's funny because Dana, first of all, >> it was at the Inuit
00:04:03
Center. Are you Are you into it? >> That was It's the dome though. It's not
00:04:08
the It's a dome because it's it's based on the Intuit Native Americans from from
00:04:15
Alaska. Is it really >> the intuitit Native Americans made their way down and just said we here build big
00:04:23
dome and then that >> I'm sure that's what they wanted one day >> part of history and so the stadium was
00:04:29
you know I think it's a tax planning thing >> I know I was about to say it's
00:04:34
>> but I had you going >> that's true because in Arizona we have
00:04:38
the garbage can open or something it used to be called the Phoenix open where I was a whole reporter everyone
00:04:46
Let's get picked up by some golf. >> Hey man, >> golf. >> What is it called when you're ahead of
00:04:51
your time? >> [ __ ] rocking. >> Well, we had the 50s going, "Hey, it's
00:04:58
it's Colgate Comedy Hour." Went dormant for decades. Then it came out in 97 with
00:05:04
a show called The Taco Bell Dana Carvey Show. People said, "That's nuts." People
00:05:10
said, "You're crazy." And I We didn't get paid. We just thought it was funny.
00:05:15
You can't really You didn't get paid by Taco. >> Didn't get a penny. We just thought it
00:05:18
was funny. >> That's even funny. >> And then Yeah. 30 years later,
00:05:22
>> I just thought you got paid for that. >> Nah, not a nickel. >> Not from the talk.
00:05:27
>> Not a god. >> I mean, they made >> they didn't give me a personal check.
00:05:32
No. >> What's funny about Taco Bell is everything's the same. You get a
00:05:36
burrito, just beans, cheese, lettuce wrapped up. You get a tostada, it's just
00:05:40
open. A taco, it's like that. >> I know. You know, I same ingredients.
00:05:45
>> If you're at a party, okay, and they have orurves, do you want a big sloppy
00:05:50
thing that's going to drip all over? You kind of want like a tea sandwich. So, I
00:05:55
I like a bite. Nothing that's going to explode. You get a burger with all the
00:05:59
lettuce and everything. You take a bite. >> I like a >> tomato. That
00:06:07
That's new. I want to write it down. A tomato being expuned from a bun. [ __ ]
00:06:13
lady. Here's the Here's the onion on the other side of your hamburger. >> Here's the Here's the pickles being
00:06:22
Here's the pickle being squeezed out. >> No, I Everyone's pushing.
00:06:29
>> Yeah, I like it inside the button. It's okay. I'd love to stay inside of this.
00:06:32
>> No, I don't want to be injected. >> I'm repelling down a shredded lettuce.
00:06:41
We should never smoke weed before we come on. >> It is funny though. We get so on
00:06:45
tangents. I met the UFC fight. >> Oh yeah. Let's go back to your story and
00:06:49
then I'll I'll hit you my other story later. >> And it's it's Netflix, not not the Dana
00:06:54
White UFC. It's a little off-brand. Uh you know Netflix likes to >> Can we put Ronda Rossi in do the first
00:07:02
part because I want to put her in context. >> Yes. Okay. So So I go there. I feel like
00:07:08
I'll be close because, you know, when Netflix asks you to come or, you know,
00:07:12
something like that, >> you were invited. >> I'm second row, >> right?
00:07:17
>> Which I might as well been last row >> because when I go with UFC, it's first
00:07:24
row and I get so spoiled because nothing's in front of you. There's Ari Emanuel, there's people that are like
00:07:29
announcing and then there's >> the the fight. But with this one, just one row if you're a bit of a pipsqueak.
00:07:37
So now it's like coach, you know, I know it's your precious into a dome, but it's
00:07:42
a little I think it's just different seats for the fight. So I'm squeaking
00:07:46
down my row around me is like Tommy Lee. No, Tommy Lee. >> All right. >> Hey K Adams. A lot of fighters actually.
00:07:56
Oh, Sebastian's in my row. >> Sebastian my toenails. No, you went to the fight at the in
00:08:05
>> I should have paused for this. >> We're paying the watch. What? What?
00:08:13
Wait, what's going on? >> Donovan Mitchell's down there clipping his
00:08:22
>> Donovan Mitchell. Is he from the Clippers? >> No, he's from Cleveland Cavaliers. I
00:08:27
don't know. It popped into my head. I don't know. The Clippers are clipping
00:08:30
their toenails. That would be ridiculous. >> Well, the uh Minneapolis tow heads are
00:08:37
actually a minor league baseball team. >> Okay. Sometimes you're fibbing.
00:08:42
>> No, they're either blonde or somebody clips their toes. Yeah. >> So, my row has got Oh, behind me is
00:08:48
Hannah Storm, who's a sports announcer reporter. >> Cool name. >> Very cool. Very cool. Talk to her a lot.
00:08:55
And then directly in front of me is Michael Irvin, who's a funny dude to talk to, football player. 1,000% blocks
00:09:02
my view of the fight. One million maybe. He stands up. Anytime they go ding, ding, he's up. And I'm like, there's
00:09:09
there's nothing happened yet. But, you know, if there's like a full beatdown,
00:09:12
everyone jumps up. But he he jumps up if there's a shin kick. So anyway, I I keep going, Michael, I
00:09:23
can't see really when you're sitting. And now when you stand, it's really
00:09:27
over. And then there's all the netting. And then there's cameras. So, and then
00:09:31
the stage is a little higher. >> So, you're trying to like look at the
00:09:36
far side of Nate Diaz's >> head being. So, I sort of went because Nate was in Bus Boys. Oh, a few people
00:09:43
remember. Thank you. Bus Boys coming on video live streaming soon. >> Video on demand soon. Yeah. So anyway,
00:09:50
it's fun. It's crazy. The fights are pretty quick, so there's a lot of It's
00:09:53
like a nightclub now. There's music. Everyone's just in their row. >> Just kind of.
00:09:58
>> So I, >> oh, it's end of day stuff. And >> I go up and really bother one of my
00:10:03
favorite UFC fighters and tap him on the shoulder. He's 50 feet tall. I'm like,
00:10:07
excuse me. It's It's a bit of a hustle and bustle, but it's hard to hear my
00:10:12
voice. If I could scribble down something. So, so John John Bones Jones >> was there watching
00:10:20
>> the greatest fighter ever, maybe. >> Yeah, I would say arguably >> he's might be like goat. Go ahead.
00:10:26
>> Didn't want to hype it up too much, but yeah. So, I was like, I got to just ruin
00:10:29
this guy's night. So, I say hi. Very cool. We talked for a minute, then he says. Anyway, says, "You don't have my
00:10:35
number. Can I put it in your phone?" >> Jon Jones, you don't have my number.
00:10:41
That's a little forward, isn't I have a thing with guys, celebrities that I
00:10:45
never ask him for their number. It's always too weird. So, I like that he said something cuz I would have said,
00:10:49
"Oh, yeah. We should go to Waterburger someday. We should do something." You
00:10:53
know, these are bad examples. So, we should do something because I like hanging out with them. Anyway, we had a
00:10:59
fun four minutes and he's putting his number in. I'm looking like this to people like, "Oh yeah,
00:11:07
>> they're not looking at the fight anymore. They're watching. >> It's in between fights. It's just like a
00:11:11
>> I was just said what if everyone would be very excited. Jon Jones is is giving
00:11:15
spay to >> Bones Jones. >> He's being very he's a very cool softspoken normal guy.
00:11:21
>> Yeah. >> For a guy who's had his bell rung. >> Stop me if you don't know these terms.
00:11:26
But he's been rattled. But he >> but not as much as a lot of >> eloquent guy. Yeah.
00:11:33
>> There was some other guys there that are like I sound like Don Rickles going are
00:11:37
we at a fight? What time is the bar mitzvah? You know, they don't know where they're at. So,
00:11:44
>> Jon Jones is in the corner. Give him a cookie. The fight started a half hour
00:11:48
ago. >> Can I get a glass of milk? Um, anyway, so he says to me, he says to me, he
00:11:54
says, I says, I says I says he goes, by the way, next fight, Ronda Rousey, it'll
00:12:00
probably be over in under a minute by Arbar. >> Oh, really? >> Yeah, that's the most interesting thing
00:12:06
he said. He also said Nate Diaz got so cut. He goes it's kind of a drag for him
00:12:11
because he's such a good fighter and he will never quit. >> But he has thin skin and from all these,
00:12:17
>> you know, scars and stuff. It cut so easily. He's always bloody. >> He was bloody in the bus cuz I bumped
00:12:25
into him. >> So he's like bleeding too much. Heather saw it, too. >> He's bleeding too much. They stop the
00:12:31
fight. >> That's a drag cuz he would keep fighting. He doesn't care. Plus, when
00:12:35
you get hit in the face so much, your face is numb. So, they're just like, "We
00:12:38
can keep fighting." >> I just say one word to describe those dudes. Him and his brother. Stockton.
00:12:45
>> Stocked. >> They They came out fighting for badass. First day of kindergarten. Those guys
00:12:50
fighting their whole lives. And they'll they'll take so much punishment and keep
00:12:54
coming. >> Yeah. They love to talk [ __ ] too. So, anyway, I saw him. I was bummed he lost,
00:12:58
but I thought it was very interesting that he said that because he knows everything so well. So then I sit down.
00:13:05
Ding ding. Ronda Rousey armbar. 17 seconds. >> Well, here's the thing I want to ask you
00:13:12
cuz I was watching NBA last night and even NBA every second it's betting every
00:13:17
second. What's the main one? >> Oh, DraftKings, that kind of stuff. >> Every second under, over during the game
00:13:25
on the TV. >> Yeah. Yeah. In the commercials more now in the in the commercial break.
00:13:30
>> Betting live. You can lose you can lose money even faster. So, did did you place any bets and did
00:13:37
Jon Jones place a who who's the person who thought the other person would win?
00:13:40
Not Ronda Rossi. Did they place a bet and lose? >> Gina. >> Mhm. Gina.
00:13:44
>> Um I didn't >> Who was the under over? You're a bad >> Oh, I think they said Rhonda. I I can't
00:13:52
remember because I just thought I don't like to see the ladies fight for some
00:13:56
reason. But >> the ladies >> I really felt like the ladies that are 10 times tougher than me.
00:14:02
>> They're like 32. It's not like >> because they Well, I think Rhonda got
00:14:08
they're friends. So I think she got it over with fast so they wouldn't have to
00:14:11
beat the [ __ ] out of each other cuz they like each other. >> Well, but was it was it a real victory
00:14:17
then or was it kind of like let's get this over fast? >> I don't know. I don't know. people say
00:14:21
it, but I mean she she's good at jiu-jitsu, Ronda Rousey, and >> so if she gets the right knock when she
00:14:27
plans to come knock you down right away, you think they'd stand up and fight a
00:14:30
bit. >> If you're not ready for it, you go down. Then once you're down, you're [ __ ] cuz
00:14:34
she gets she's like a spider monkey. She gets on you. >> She's um she was like a a superstar in
00:14:40
in you know, >> UFC, >> UFC. And then >> and she went to wrestling too.
00:14:45
>> And then she went to wrestling or she was sort of retired, right? And then she
00:14:49
was in a couple movies. She's charismatic. She's >> very pretty. Uh very good at her job.
00:14:55
>> And then you see this wipe out. It just goes in, boom, wins over and then
00:15:00
immediately says, "That's it. I'm done." That was interesting. I'll never do this
00:15:04
again. >> Yeah. Gina Corono is very tough. She was probably She probably won more. I'm
00:15:09
probably wrong, but I just remember hearing she was such a >> ass kicker in the day. And then uh but
00:15:15
she's been out of the game for a while >> and then she got cancelled. remember.
00:15:19
So, she really had nothing going. Then she gained 100 pounds. Did you know that?
00:15:23
>> Well, what did those connection? She got cancelled and then she gained 100
00:15:27
pounds. Okay. Is it a to-do list and then get beaten up by Ronda Rossy? >> She really had a hard run there. Yeah,
00:15:35
Heather's right. Because I think she probably gained weight because she had everything sort of taken away. Now she's
00:15:41
what what are you doing all day when your one thing is to go fight or act? She doesn't do either really. and then
00:15:47
to have this opportunity. She said I before the fight she said I would never have lost this weight if
00:15:53
Rhonda hadn't have waited for me. She said they offered her the fight and she
00:15:57
wasn't ready and want Rhonda said I'll wait for her. And so she lost weight and
00:16:01
she said I owe it to her because I wouldn't have lost the weight. There's
00:16:05
no reason. >> Right. >> A lot of hugging. >> That's cool. Right.
00:16:09
>> I like it. >> I liked it. And that's why I thought, oh, they don't want to beat the [ __ ] out
00:16:12
of each other. And, you know, the guys are usually tough talking and throwing kicks at the at the way and, you know,
00:16:18
throwing bottles at each other, like hyping it up. >> Well, they always seem like they've
00:16:23
fostered a true hate, the two fighters in the UFC, like vitriol. And then the fight is brutal and all this and that,
00:16:30
and then the second over, they're just hugging it up. I love you, man. It's
00:16:35
like, you are a champion. the best >> pretty much. Yeah. >> All right, David. Um, just going to
00:16:46
throw this out here. Do you ever go to a grocery store and just stand there staring at all the options? First
00:16:50
question, >> trying to figure out what's actually good, right? >> Like what's worth it, what's not, what
00:16:57
do you actually trust? >> I used to overthink it every single time. Now, at some point, I realized I'd
00:17:02
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00:17:07
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00:17:14
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00:18:07
American meat >> delivered. Delivered right to your door. Well, so anyway, that was I don't want
00:18:14
to milk too much on the fight. There was the fight. Um >> went to Arizona, saw my lovely mama
00:18:22
>> and >> my mama did a little book that she's putting together on Amazon. It's so
00:18:25
funny. getting older. So, >> it's her third. >> It's her third one, but they're going to
00:18:30
put them all together in one book. >> Oh, >> yeah. So, I'm going to say it on here.
00:18:34
So, for a stocking stuffer, >> you might get one for 5% off. D. >> Well, for people don't know about it
00:18:41
because people always have a bucket list. Maybe I'll write a book someday. You know, I don't know.
00:18:47
>> You don't need a publisher. You don't have to audition the book. You can make
00:18:51
a deal with Amazon. If someone presses the button, wants your book, they'll make the book and send you your your
00:18:57
share of the profits. So, >> right. I think that's something with Amazon and her friends are helping her,
00:19:04
>> right? >> Lauren, you got stuck in Lauren. >> I got stuck in Lauren Face,
00:19:12
>> right? >> Will Pharaoh was on SNL? >> Yeah, I wanted to talk about that for a
00:19:19
second. just that um when my I think about the season and I know how hard it is, you know how hard it is and the ups
00:19:28
and downs and this and that. I just thought it was a really good season. I think that
00:19:34
>> Yeah, I think that of course Ashley Padilla emerged. Um I'm so sorry. I don't know the name of
00:19:43
the gentleman who does Tucker Carlson. Look that up, will you, Heather or Greg? It's not Dez Mukes, is it? Here,
00:19:51
Heather. >> No, but he's he's great. Um, SNL cast me. You got already
00:19:59
>> Jeremy Cohane. >> Jeremy Cohane. Uh, he's done a lot of really cool things on that show. And
00:20:06
then as Tucker Carlson, he just kind of owned it. You know, is this what we're
00:20:10
doing? You know, what's going on? Is is this a new rule? You know, it was very
00:20:15
very very well done. And Ashley Ashley is great at taking pauses and bursts of weird anger. Like you don't know, she's
00:20:24
kind of a fresh weird way to do neurotic people. >> Um she was extraordinary. And then I
00:20:30
think that uh Colin Jo was so perfect and had such a good time. It was a lot of energy him doing um
00:20:39
>> he had heith. >> Oh. >> Yeah. Because because they'd done so
00:20:43
much Trump. They still do Trump. But I think even in my own standup, Trump is a little, you know, it's like a horse at
00:20:49
the end of the race. Like we've seen a lot. But that was kind of >> Hat on a hat at this point.
00:20:53
>> That was kind of a new funny high energy take. So I thought it was a pretty good
00:20:57
season. Dave, what's your two stars? >> David, what did you think of season 51
00:21:06
season? >> I see clips on Instagram because I'm [ __ ] at the clubs, dude. I'm not
00:21:13
>> It's called record it. >> No, they're like, "It starts at 11:30,
00:21:18
but now you can watch it at 8:30." And I'm like, "That's too late."
00:21:21
>> No, here's what you do is you go on YouTube the next morning, you go last
00:21:26
night. >> I just go on I I follow, you know, like Sarah or Marcelo and they
00:21:32
they just they >> Sarah Marcelo. >> Yeah. And so they play clips or I follow
00:21:37
SNL or I follow NBC or I follow that general area of uh location >> of 30 Rock
00:21:44
>> and I follow Midtown Manhattan. >> Do you follow me on Instagram?
00:21:50
>> Dana, not right now just because I'm kind of keeping a tight friend group. I
00:21:55
was thinking today when people Heather I'll understand this when people I'm
00:21:59
watching their stories you know on Instagram you don't f you don't do it as
00:22:02
much but they put their day-to-day stuff >> and after a while cuz you know I know
00:22:07
them somewhere where they said follow me and after a while I go >> this is like a TV show that I've lost
00:22:13
interest in that I don't know I don't know how to get out of anymore like they
00:22:18
keep popping up like I'm they're just flatlining now like I have zero interest
00:22:22
and the unfollow is a little much. Just so you know, it's a little harsh. So, I
00:22:27
found out you can mute their stories and their main post, but I do the stories and when I get to the point of muting
00:22:34
their main post, it is like they're disintegrated. Like, you still follow them. So, there's not that anger and
00:22:42
animosity and hurt and pain and violence. But, >> well, there is a button that I found,
00:22:48
oddly enough, instead of unfollow, you can do quietly quitting. And it's a lot
00:22:53
softer. It's a quiet qu it's not it's a softer exit for people because if it's
00:22:59
outrageous it's contagious. If it's if it's someone making cocoa it ain't
00:23:06
soaring it's boring. Just made that >> [ __ ] Heather printing t-shirts and
00:23:13
bumper stickers. >> Not getting clicks with that stupid tricks. >> Oh yeah.
00:23:20
I go like this. I quiet quit people. I go, "Here's your stories. Sh, no more
00:23:24
stories. Sh. No sh quiet time. We should go to sleep. Go to sleep. It's chloroform." But you got to be you got
00:23:31
to be either you can be virtual signaling. You could be like, "I saved a puppy." You can be highly sexual. Um,
00:23:39
you can be really sad like just not feeling man, you know? >> Yeah, I like that.
00:23:45
>> But if it's just you making cocoa or here's my day, I don't know. I mean, you
00:23:49
you've got 32 million off all platforms. >> I don't even count anymore. 33.
00:23:56
>> All right. 23. >> But there's >> in the millions. >> There's one the other day, a girl making
00:24:02
pottery. She was kind of cute. She I'm like, who makes pottery? It's like
00:24:05
ghost. And of course, they all turn into the shape of a wiener. I'm like, okay. I
00:24:10
go, oh, this is the this is the hook. >> Oh, that's the Did they point it out or
00:24:15
it's just so obviously a phallic thing? Dana, >> have you seen paper cutting guy? 10
00:24:21
million followers. Hey everybody. Uh, do some paper cut. >> Even if you're joking, there is probably
00:24:27
a real guy. So, go ahead. >> Yeah, we're going to uh >> Oh, just that.
00:24:31
>> Trim some paper down. We're going to push him together like this. And now,
00:24:38
let me know what you think this looks like. That's a wiener. >> No, it came out of pipe, I think.
00:24:45
>> Oh, okay. 20 million followers. >> I was like, I wouldn't stick it in your
00:24:49
mouth. Yeah, >> this looks like a pipe, fool. Does everything everything looks like a
00:24:54
wiener to you? >> I would say you should oink oink oink oink oink. >> I got to mix it up. You got you got you
00:25:03
got applause for that. >> No, but what about I thought you're going to got I would watch this. Dana,
00:25:08
ready? Do I have any paper? >> This cardboard. Let's just say it's
00:25:13
paper. Ready? >> Oh, no. You're doing my bit. Okay. >> Yeah. But he go but the guy goes like
00:25:18
this paper cut. Gives himself one. Then he goes here >> and he goes and I'd be like, "Okay, it's
00:25:28
something. Don't make me get my sound effects out >> because it's too fun."
00:25:35
>> We have a special guest. >> We have a special guest. Oh, I know. This is a trick.
00:25:40
>> Oh, G. Okay, I'll hear from Gar. >> Hi, David Spade. How are you today?
00:25:49
That's funny. I'm going to tell. Wait. >> Go ahead. >> How many followers do you have on
00:25:55
Instagram for reals? >> Um, I have No, I don't have that many. >> Oh, I didn't think so. I'm going to tell
00:26:03
Mike. What are you going to tell Mike? His name's Wayne. >> Jesus. I'm gonna tell Wayne. has friends.
00:26:15
>> Doesn't this one sound like Sandler? >> Why, you know, has friends.
00:26:20
>> God, that does. >> It does. >> Hang on. I got to take this.
00:26:28
>> Excuse me. >> This is Is this entertainment? I don't know. I don't have a pig.
00:26:36
So mad. This thing's a ripoff. Can't believe I'm paying $3,000 a month
00:26:41
for this app. If we go to season 4, it's just going to be sound effect boxes.
00:26:48
$1.99 on >> Yeah, they do all the work. So, what do you guys just push the buttons? And I'm
00:26:54
like, yeah, don't worry about it. >> Uh, by the way, Dana, I did, not to
00:27:01
change gears, lot of >> Please do >> chatter about the data centers. You call them data
00:27:08
centers. You Which one do you call it? Which one's right? >> I call them Scooby-Doo centers.
00:27:15
>> Dat Scoo, we got to make data centers, don't we, Scoo? >> How much data?
00:27:21
>> Scooby-Doo. >> Oh jeez. >> Geez, Scoo, these data centers are
00:27:25
sucking up too much energy. >> Shocking. I'm in. Oh, he's in. That was a good one. Quit
00:27:37
putting peanut butter on. You don't swag. He sounds like an old sea captain.
00:27:44
>> Yeah. >> Hey. Hey, you mies. >> I like the Halloween. Someone comes as
00:27:50
Velma and makes her like a total [ __ ] She was a bookworm. Let's not really
00:27:53
reduce her to just like >> Well, oh. Oh, that whole thing. Yeah. Just keep keep Scooby-Doo. Scooby-Doo,
00:28:00
please. >> Keep it clean, guys. >> Keep it Keep it above the waist. >> Let's have some fun. Yeah, above the
00:28:05
waistline, son. >> Keep it Keep them keep them up at all times. And what do you think about data
00:28:10
centers? This one uses 30 millions of gallons of water. Jeez, it's really these data centers are
00:28:18
coming up quick. I can't say I'm for against I >> We have hundreds of them already built.
00:28:23
I read 400 already built. >> Please turn CBS Radford into a data center. >> Everything should be a data center I
00:28:30
invested in. Yeah. >> Uh yeah. Well, uh >> everything should be a data center. I
00:28:36
heard it's just it's all to store AI and it uses too much water and electricity
00:28:43
and it's like maybe we don't need AI. What? We don't need AI. >> Controversial subject.
00:28:51
>> Well, look, so far it's like me flying 13 hours and then going on stage and
00:28:57
crushing. Whoops. >> I heard >> Why? Why are you standing? You don't
00:29:02
have to stand. >> Oh, you got a standing ovation. like I'm just doing it. This is what you call an
00:29:08
analogy Scottdale Community College. So the basic idea is Bajala awaits us. We have it's the size of Manhattan. We take
00:29:18
a regular AI, a computer chip thing. we plug it into millions and millions of GPUs, otherwise
00:29:27
things stacked in little wafers with tons of global information like it'll have the history of all mankind and
00:29:34
every science >> and then it'll come out and go cancer. Got it. >> Unlimited clean energy figured it out.
00:29:50
Oh, so so you're for it? >> Well, I don't think you can put the genie back in the bottle,
00:29:57
>> you know. And I do think that it it's seems very dangerous potentially, but
00:30:03
apparently it's going to solve clean unlimited energy and diseases. >> Is that what they told you?
00:30:12
>> Is that what you think? Is that Is that Is that your plan? >> Oh, okay. Yeah, I heard that one.
00:30:18
>> Uhhuh. Uhhuh. You know, they say they they just are very honest. They go, "Are
00:30:23
you sad that your town doesn't have enough places emitting cancer? You want to build one?"
00:30:32
>> Well, they're building mostly on swamp areas and stuff, you know. >> Hey, LET'S GO CATCH SOME CATCH FISH.
00:30:39
WHAT THE [ __ ] IS THAT? >> Let's call it the data center. Let's blow it up, Wilbur.
00:30:47
Dude, I don't like living near a telephone pole. Forget about those things. Got some condos right next door.
00:30:55
You like this? It's like a breeze in your face. >> Do the tomato flying out of the bone
00:30:59
again. You like that one? Okay. Ready? >> It's very subtle. >> Take the first bite.
00:31:07
>> It sees a break for freedom. >> But I got to be honest, Heather, Greg,
00:31:10
break the tie. Does that really sound like a tomato? Not really. Oh god. All that for that.
00:31:22
God dang. Got to speak of those Z's. We have to do buzzing around. >> Oh yeah, buzzing around.
00:31:29
>> Anytime. Anytime you're ready. >> Let's do it because then we unless you
00:31:32
have a story because then we have to do stories. >> No, this story is evergreen. I didn't
00:31:37
quite get to it, but it's an evergreen. It's an evergreen story. >> You know what? That's Gervitz's favorite
00:31:42
thing. You know, you just do a show. You do evergreen. You guys tape one episode
00:31:46
a year, >> evergreen. People listen to it in the year 2045 AND THEY'LL GO, "WOW."
00:31:51
>> For those of you at home, our manager tells us to do [ __ ] that's evergreen,
00:31:56
which is a term meaning it doesn't have to be topical or anything. Like on your
00:32:01
podcast, you could do it today, air it in 5 months, but do it evergreen. You just talk about I go, "What? Trees?" I
00:32:07
mean, what you want to talk about things that are relevant to the world, but to talk about things that could live in any
00:32:13
time and space. It happens in sitcoms because they're rerunning all the time.
00:32:18
So I would say, "Let's do a Dennis Rodman joke on Just Shoot Me." And
00:32:21
they'd say, >> "No, it's got to be Evergreen." That's
00:32:23
the first time I heard it. They go, "It's just general." Like, >> you can explain it better.
00:32:27
>> That's why sitcoms if they're about relationships this and that from the
00:32:31
'9s. I mean, we heard that the Friends people get 20 million a year now in residuals. And I guess
00:32:39
>> Ray Romano, our friend, gets 18 million a year. 20 years later, but Carson gets
00:32:46
almost nothing in reruns or you know talk shows are highly highly daily top topical
00:32:52
>> but I would say there's quas evergreen you know there's trends like AI taxes
00:32:59
>> wait a month to air that but >> yeah it also when you're >> a monologue on a talk show is fun
00:33:05
because it's like what happened today and SNL does what happened this week and
00:33:10
then add Trump but if you're doing like a regular podcast. It's kind of like, well, what
00:33:19
can we We We talk about our weekends and stuff because that's sort of new information. Other than that, like,
00:33:24
let's say I talked about getting a massage in my standup. >> That's kind of evergreen. When did it
00:33:29
happen? Who knows, >> right? >> A funny massage at a random hotel. >> Yeah, that's that's completely Your act
00:33:36
is pretty evergreen. Actually, mine's more topical because here on the road like
00:33:41
>> Yeah. this place that I I played for, they said, "Please, only historical
00:33:49
political figures, >> only old ones." >> And I said, "I need I need Yeah, this is
00:33:53
real." And I said, "I need more specity." And they said, "Well,
00:33:58
>> nothing after Obama. And if you do Obama, make sure you also make fun of um
00:34:04
the opposite side of the aisle." >> Oh, they want to make sure it's okay.
00:34:07
Yeah. So it's like it's like what you call a hot oven to a lot of people. It's
00:34:11
very heated. So I I didn't mind. I'll do evergreen stuff. I got tons of it.
00:34:18
>> Obama. That's a you got evergreen. Evergreen is something that's
00:34:22
>> chefs go >> forever. That's that's why it's called evergreen. It's green meaning you can
00:34:28
make cash >> for the rest of your life. Michelle. >> Yeah. >> Michelle, I don't want I'm on I'm on
00:34:33
with David Spade. Nope. I don't I don't need the egg salad. Just Nope. Don't
00:34:37
need it now. Just leave it out. Thank you. >> She makes some sandwiches. >> Michelle, no. Just put the egg salad.
00:34:45
Well, all right. Oh, get make me a small sandwich. I'll be there in a second. I'm
00:34:48
talking to my friend Davis. >> You could do a You could do a bit about a sandwich.
00:34:54
>> SANDWICHES WILL ALWAYS BE AROUND. I LOVE DAVIS. >> EXACTLY. You know what, Evergreen? Even trees.
00:35:02
You could do a joke about trees. Everyone has a tree and they stick around for a long time.
00:35:06
>> By the way, Byron Allen, >> who's our friend from Standup World, you
00:35:12
know, who's a who's a mogul, >> sure, >> is taking over for Steven Colbear slot.
00:35:16
He's paying CBS to put his stuff in there. >> And he can he's got Comics Unleashed or
00:35:22
something. And the rule is you have to be evergreen, relationships, dogs, everything.
00:35:27
>> Yeah. >> No current event thing. So, he goes make a lot of money that But he really plucks
00:35:32
people's axe because you have to go in there with seven bits for real and you're like [ __ ] If you're a new comic,
00:35:37
you're like, "Am I getting rid of all my good stuff here?" That's a tough one. By the way, Coar
00:35:42
Swan song is like the Super Bowl. I'm like, they're like, they were showing
00:35:46
clips on the news this morning like in his final week. I'm like, is this this
00:35:50
big of a deal? I go he had on his second to last show such luminaries as Weird Al. I'm like, weird is great, but do I
00:36:00
need to see a clip? I mean, let's wait till the very last show. Let's show the
00:36:04
clip. What happened at the end? You know, Colonial will come on or something and they'll be like, "This will be
00:36:08
great." And >> but but three weeks, actually, a year of windup is is a is a little much. Personally,
00:36:17
it's fine, but I mean, is it really >> Go ahead. You can't say anything.
00:36:23
>> No, I would just say this. I mean, um, there's a lot of ways to do this now.
00:36:29
Look at us. We're kind of on TV right now. You know, >> it's all about the same. Yeah.
00:36:34
>> Yeah. I mean, he will have more flexibility uh to do that kind of stuff.
00:36:39
He's writing a Lord of the Rings script with with his son and another person.
00:36:43
>> That's what we were going to do when we quit. >> Yeah, I know.
00:36:46
>> Let's do um a Star Wars. >> Let's write a new Star Wars. called Wars of Stars.
00:36:57
>> I'll play uh Middleife Crisis Yo Yoda. He's not Baby Yoda and he's not the old
00:37:03
Yoda. He's a guy getting a gut. >> I'll play Harrison Ford's dad 50 years
00:37:09
ago. Chewy, get me out of here. >> Get off this plane. I told you when when
00:37:17
they George Lucas told the the guy who plays Chewy, >> he had to call him up and go, "We're not
00:37:22
going to have you in the next Star Wars." Yeah. And then on the phone, all he heard was
00:37:30
>> he called him directly and Shimmy went and he goes, "I think does that sound
00:37:37
good?" And Shy's like, and he goes, "Is it bad? I can't really tell. I'm trying
00:37:41
to guess your tone." >> Yeah. And he said, he said, "My tone changes."
00:37:53
>> He goes, "Chew, can you just shave everything but the beard?"
00:37:57
>> You know, ironically, Chewy had no teeth. The actual character of Chewy had
00:38:01
no teeth. >> Oh, he's very >> So, he couldn't actually be Chewy. He
00:38:04
could be gummy. He should have been called gummy. >> He actually scared people, but if if
00:38:08
push came to shove, he couldn't really bite them. I don't think >> this is Star Wars trivia. We are so far
00:38:16
off our subject. What are we even talking about? >> Push comes to shove, he couldn't bite
00:38:21
him. That's one of your greatest lines because you know they get a lot of precarious situations with the bad
00:38:29
>> because it was done kind of seriously. Push comes to shove, he couldn't buy it.
00:38:33
>> If Harrison Ford saw a bunch of stormtroopers, he goes, I'll take the
00:38:36
leash off of Chewy. Hey, this is not Jeffrey Epste. Oh, sorry. >> He popping.
00:38:43
>> No, he was just going to say I like that when push comes to chef. He couldn't
00:38:47
bite him. I'M NOT JEFFREY EPSTEIN. LOOK AT THE MUSTACHE. [ __ ] FACE. >> HEY,
00:38:54
NO. CHEWY. Chewy was like a service dog at that point. Like he's just an animal
00:38:59
on the spaceship with him and harmless. >> Chewy, get me out of here. I just like
00:39:06
get off my plane. >> Come on. Can do we have We need another Harrison Ford as a
00:39:13
>> We have to do Buzzing Around. We haven't done >> No, let's do Let's do this. Let's do
00:39:16
this. >> All right. It is time, folks. You knew it was coming. Buzzing Around. Sponsored
00:39:23
by Five Hour Energy with a wide variety of bold flavors to choose from. While I'm doing this, Dane is like stretching
00:39:28
out getting ready. You get as much caffeine as a 12 ounce premium cup of coffee, but with zero sugar and zero
00:39:34
sugar crush. Find five energy shots online at 5our energy.com or >> it's not a comedy piece. What are you
00:39:42
laughing? >> No. It's funny cuz I hear you going. You're stretching out.
00:39:45
>> Well, you're right. >> I like it. >> Okay. Um, what's the scenario? Uh, we
00:39:52
have uh uh Mike Tyson, G, Prince Harry, and Duchess Markle. So, it's actually I'm going to do today the
00:40:02
Mike Tyson show. >> Yeah, >> the Mike Tyson show. And G is the sidekick and the guest. Okay. And
00:40:09
there's nothing beyond that. I don't know what they're going to say.
00:40:11
>> No, no one thinks you prepare this, believe me. >> Hey everybody, this is Glorgar
00:40:16
and I'm I'm Mike Tyson's sidekick. With no further ado, please welcome Mike
00:40:22
Tyson. >> Oh, wait a minute. >> No, >> I pressed the wrong [ __ ] button.
00:40:27
>> I know. >> I can't see you. Hold on. >> Botched. >> Botched bit.
00:40:32
>> Please welcome Mike Dyson. >> Anyway, okay. >> Yeah, this is Thanks, God. Thank for
00:40:39
that introduction, you know. Hey, no problem, Mike. Please don't punch me. >> Sounds good already.
00:40:44
>> I would never touch you. I would never do that for you because I I like doing
00:40:48
the Mike Tyson show. Here's a joke for you. Why did the uh boxing glove cross
00:40:53
the road? >> Oh, why? >> Because they can't cross the road. They
00:40:57
got no legs. >> What are you going to do about it? >> Hey, I don't get it. I don't get it,
00:41:04
Mike. And what are you going to do about it? >> Yeah, exactly. There you go. He sets you
00:41:08
up with a joke and then he says, "What are you going to do about it?" Sorry, Mike, but I just didn't get it.
00:41:15
Yeah, you didn't get it. But what are you going to do about it? What are you
00:41:17
going to do about it? Maybe try to write a better joke. Why does the boxing glove
00:41:21
cross the road in the first place? Because it it it needs a hand. Yeah, I didn't get it. What are you
00:41:29
going to do about it? >> Oh my god. Guard. >> Hey, wait a minute. You're threatening
00:41:33
me by saying, "What are you going to do about it?" I mean, I I'm the guy who
00:41:36
says, "What are you going to do about it?" Hey, this is crazy. Let Let's get
00:41:39
our guest out here. Please welcome Prince Harry. >> Prince Harry. >> Prince Harry and Duchess Marle.
00:41:47
>> Okay. >> Oh, hey. Hey, thanks for coming on this show. I'm a big fan of you guys cuz you
00:41:55
like lived in a castle at some point, right? >> That's why. >> Yes.
00:42:01
>> That's exciting to Mike. >> Yes. This is Prince Harry and I'm so
00:42:05
excited to meet you, Marco, because you got fisty cuffs. your fisty cuffs. Put them Put your dukes up. Is that what you
00:42:12
do? >> Yeah. Yeah, I do. I I I don't say it like that. That's that old timey thing,
00:42:17
you know. I like when you say put up the fisty cuffs. Well, I'm not going to say
00:42:22
that, you know. I'm never going to say that. All right. So, uh, all I could say
00:42:25
is what are you going to do about it? Hey, well, wait a minute. This is Duchess Marco.
00:42:33
>> Yeah, I was waiting for her. >> This is my real speaking voice. I have
00:42:36
to put something on for the silly cooking shows and all the podcast. Yes, let's do another putty cast. Mommy
00:42:45
Harry, you try my patience. Let mommy talk to Mr. Dyson. But I like to do puty cast. We did a
00:42:56
putty cast. We no longer have a putty cast. We're getting into a little Bella
00:43:01
Losce as a side note, but go ahead into Boris Carlo. >> Yeah, that's it. All right, enough of
00:43:08
you guys talking amongst yourselves. I'm the host. I got questions. >> Oh,
00:43:12
>> so what what what kind of things you think you're going to do pretty soon?
00:43:18
And what are you going to do >> pretty soon? Oh, we're going to tour the
00:43:22
world. Yes, we're going to tour the world. Harry and I are going to tour the
00:43:27
world. We're going to we're going to defeat global poverty. Yeah. Okay. That sounds very nice.
00:43:34
That's a good idea. You know how you going to defeat it? Where are you going
00:43:38
to defeat it? Yes, mommy. How are we going to defeat it? We're going to give
00:43:42
speeches all over the world and we're going to defeat global poverty. I don't
00:43:48
think you're going to defeat global poverty doing that. I think you got to do something more, right? You know, I
00:43:54
mean, what are you going to do about it? What do you mean? What we What are you going to do about it? I'm just telling
00:44:00
you >> about global poverty. >> Global poverty, I think, is something
00:44:05
like that. Anyway, let me get let him with a joke. Why' the boxing glove bounce across the trampoline?
00:44:13
>> Why? >> Cuz it makes things bounce. >> Oh, yeah. That's a that's, you know,
00:44:18
more of a fact. >> This one's mandering off into >> Yeah, it is. This has been buzzing. For
00:44:24
anyone who didn't like this thing, you know what are you going to do about it?
00:44:28
>> There you go. >> Stay tuned for more Mike Tyson next week. >> Bow at the end. That was buzzing around
00:44:34
sponsored by five energy's tasty caffeine flavors. Give yourself some applause. Enjoy big flavor in a tiny
00:44:40
bottle. Five energy shots. Pack the flavors of the season portable 2 oz shots. So find five energy shots online
00:44:47
at five energy.com or Amazon today. Okay, story one. Let's get to the news and then we'll
00:44:58
>> Story one. >> We always blab so long. >> I know. We went off on too many
00:45:02
tangents. >> We were good though. I liked it. Um, okay. What's this? >> New challenger. Are you ready? I don't
00:45:08
care. Go. Watch this. >> Oh. >> Whoa. So, >> are you okay back there?
00:45:16
>> Are there w Stop it for one second. You're just kneeling. I don't even know if I can do
00:45:22
that. >> Kneeling and shuffling. >> You're walking as you're crouched down.
00:45:27
That actually I bet that's super hard. Heather, what do you think? >> It looks hard, right? You could probably
00:45:33
do it. >> Well, what exploded? >> She does ballet. No, because the guy
00:45:37
fell. But I think this person that looks like the woman in the Incredibles with the hair is saying, "Race me." and
00:45:48
people race them and then they lose. >> But I just think is that that hard to
00:45:54
do? I think it is. >> I think it is. >> I thought they had some kind of little
00:46:01
wheels on or something. I could >> do it one more time. Let me see. >> Thought they had
00:46:07
>> Right. It's just I think shuffling the feet which is made me think in a really
00:46:12
deep squat. Okay. >> Yeah. That's hard, right? >> Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Where are you
00:46:16
guys? I mean, >> oh no, she's riding on something. >> Excuse us.
00:46:21
>> Is it a little She's She I thought they they don't have it. She's got something
00:46:27
>> like a little a little >> She's on a little trolley. And there's a
00:46:34
Yeah. So that >> Okay. >> Yeah. She's got a little wheel thing. That's a dress covers it. Okay. Mystery
00:46:41
solved. Well, >> at least you didn't say AI. >> Well, geez, Scoob. We couldn't see the
00:46:48
wheels. It scared me, Scoob. >> Well, I have to say if it is a little bike, it's still hard to do.
00:46:54
>> No, no, it's still still a good effect. >> Still forget it. I can't. Okay, next. We
00:47:00
really hit the big stories. >> I know. Look at this one. >> 9.3 million worth of cocaine found in
00:47:08
Kim Kardashian's ski shipment. I don't think so. >> Looking good for Kim and them. They got
00:47:16
Kim Kardashian out here looking like a drug king. So over 9 million worth of cocaine was reportedly found inside a
00:47:23
shipment connected to Kim Kardashian Skim brand. You heard what I just said? According to reports, authorities
00:47:29
stopped a transport truck carrying SKIM's clothing from the Netherlands to England with almost 200 lb of cocaine.
00:47:38
Authority said that he was driving a truck carrying 28 pound and according to the National Crime
00:47:44
Agency, >> he picked up 198 pounds of cocaine during that trip. And the truck was
00:47:51
modified to hide that yoyo. Now, imagine how crazy that sounds. >> Okay, hold on.
00:47:56
>> I need a little thing called evidence of some kind. >> A guy's pointing his finger at
00:48:02
something. That's evidence. >> Well, I guess. And the reason I know this cuz I'm I'm I'm I'm hustling the
00:48:10
cocaine. >> I like how the people make themselves more important in the story so they get
00:48:13
really big in the frame like here's a story behind me. They should be really
00:48:17
teensy like here's all >> but you know what it's probably one of those things where
00:48:24
they used one of their trucks but they don't know about it. I'm sure she
00:48:27
doesn't know about it. Uh, >> if it's true, Dana, >> I don't think the Kardashians don't
00:48:34
play. These these people are >> they don't they don't need money for
00:48:38
>> Well, they're they would have their shipping stuff completely, you know, perfectly organized. There
00:48:44
wouldn't be any criminal activity. It's it's a multi-billion dollar company
00:48:49
where they be show the big bottoms. Yeah, if anyone got on there and did it, it's
00:48:56
just something on the side that you don't know about. >> Can I just ask you a question from just
00:49:01
just business? >> So, we there was spandex, right, Heather? Spandex holds everything in
00:49:08
men, women, whatever. >> Nylons. >> So, was it the genius move to go, "Hey,
00:49:13
wait a minute. Um, Mom Kim, uh, why don't we do spandex, but let's just call it skims." Well, how about
00:49:22
there was Spanx? >> Ripped off Spanx. >> Yeah, Spanx. Do they own that, too?
00:49:27
>> No, they ripped them off. >> They ripped them off. And it ripped off
00:49:30
wet suits. >> What's that? >> And then hiked up the prices. >> Yeah, just give me a wet suit. Cut the
00:49:36
top part off and charge triple. >> I know. I say, yeah. What? I >> I think you have an audience that's
00:49:44
going to do whatever you want. >> Yeah. >> You can fudge it a bit and just get away
00:49:48
with a little more. Now, if you're just starting Spanx out of the blue, it has to be a really good idea. This is
00:49:55
sort of if not a ripoff, just kind of running with the theme of tightening everything up.
00:50:00
>> Well, I was going to I was going to mention this, but I wasn't going to
00:50:03
mention, but I guess I'll mention it. Um >> that I thought for men, we do it. It's
00:50:08
from from Spade Carvey, and uh it's called Spanx a Lot and it's just spank
00:50:17
>> Spanx a Lot, dude. Spanks a lot and it's just very festive underwear.
00:50:23
>> But it holds your butt in and your fat. >> Yeah. And tramps down your weird.
00:50:28
>> I think guys wear this stuff and they don't say it. >> Oh, you mean sort of a girdle.
00:50:34
We do. >> I mean I your boobs. >> I wish I could trick everyone and hide
00:50:39
all the flaws and afterwards I go, "Sorry, Charlie. This is what you got. >> We can't show our nipples." Well, they
00:50:47
have built-in nipples. >> True. >> True. What a great >> She sells these sweaters with built-in
00:50:54
nips or bras or something. Or barbells. Have you seen those? >> They put the barbells through the nips.
00:51:02
Oh boy. >> How about washboard short TE's? So you get t-shirts for dudes, young dudes who
00:51:08
have washboard stomachs and they're kind of shorts. They go, "What time is it?"
00:51:12
>> Yeah. I I had some half shirts. No lie. I got >> so that you can show off 12 12pack.
00:51:18
>> All right, move along. Next story. >> Hey, I want to bring a sense memory.
00:51:21
Yeah, what are you going to do about it? >> Did you write that? That's funny.
00:51:25
>> No, I just I just put ideas on there. I just uh enjoy it. Okay, here we are.
00:51:31
This one is really interesting. >> What is this? >> Can you read it?
00:51:35
>> Renting a Japanese husband for a night out. >> This reminds me of really
00:51:40
>> Brendan Frasier's last movie. Right. That's right. >> This guy's a stud. I have to say
00:51:48
>> that is what Brendan Frasier's movie was. >> Oh, he dropped. >> He was so good looking. He broke the the
00:51:55
frame. >> Let's kichiwa means which means at a mummy. Oh, >> okay.
00:52:13
So she's embarrassed to go to a wedding without a husband. >> Yeah. >> And
00:52:21
picks her up. No less. I wouldn't be doing that. >> Best. This is a good idea.
00:52:29
>> Maybe this is more honest. Maybe this what life should be. >> This might be happening out there. You
00:52:34
know, it's like bring your friend or like, "Hey, just come with me." But this
00:52:39
guy looks looks sharp and then super. You guarantee he's nice to you. You're
00:52:43
not going to get drunk and get in a fight. Behaves. Just slide him a couple. >> I mean, I'm sure he's very charming and
00:52:51
they probably because there's no pressure. They probably have a really good time. And then they're back at the
00:52:56
hotel in Tokyo and they're having a glass of champagne in their hotel suite and guess what happens?
00:53:01
>> Yeah, that was in Irvine. >> Why would you think Tokyo? Well, well, weren't they from Japan?
00:53:09
Sorry, it was in Irvine. >> I'm kidding. I'm kidding. He got to the
00:53:12
door and I know what's about to happen. >> So, they're offering champagne.
00:53:19
Fake husband. Thank you. >> There's not an earthquake at the wedding. >> No, this is afterwards in the hotel.
00:53:33
Leave it A >> just a little >> earthquake or something else. >> That was and I both like whoa.
00:53:43
>> That was an appertif. >> All right, come on. We're >> the chin chain.
00:53:48
>> We got to wrap it up. >> Oh, yeah. >> I don't know. >> We watched one of your old bits on SNL.
00:53:54
>> Where did you find it? >> On the dark web. >> You can't find Ching Change anywhere.
00:54:01
>> We found it. You found it. Which one was it? >> So hilarious. Nora Dunn and Oh,
00:54:08
beautiful. >> Who comes over? Valerie Bernelli. >> Yes. >> And you That's right. She's using her
00:54:15
phone >> and he's kind of an awkward character. So she's leaving and she she goes after
00:54:20
a while, crocodile. And then my character goes, "Bye bye, doggy." >> Donkey.
00:54:26
>> Donkey. >> And she goes, "Uh, all right. Let's have Valerie Burtonelli
00:54:32
on. >> I'm always saying the wrong thing. >> Uh, okay. Next one.
00:54:39
>> She She was not on. That was before I got there. >> Um, okay. >> A forum post details private charter
00:54:46
company. >> Oh, this is we heard before. I want to find out if this is true. Tell me in the
00:54:52
comments. Everyone's loves to yell at me. >> This form post and I'm going to put it
00:54:56
directly on the screen and I'm going to read it for it. says this quote, "I work
00:55:01
for a private charter company in Ontario, Canada. The company handles booking and chartering flights across
00:55:06
Ontario Canada." >> We are paid to spread ticks by air. It happens twice a year, early spring and
00:55:12
early fall. This year, we've been hired to do it earlier. The company receives
00:55:17
the ticks in boxes. Each box contains millions of ticks. The aircraft used are generally single or dual prop aircraft,
00:55:25
single pilot and one other pass. >> It pays a lot and I mean a lot the ticks
00:55:33
are dispersed in several specific regions in Ontario and it's always the same regions each and every
00:55:40
>> thus far. Last spring the ticks dispersed were mostly American dog. this
00:55:45
year they are all deer ticks supposedly specifically built to withstand cold temperatures. End quote.
00:55:52
>> So that post was from March 16th, 2 weeks before Snope said that this story
00:55:56
originated. All right. And it's pretty interesting. Here we have a whistleblower saying that they are paid
00:56:01
to disperse ticks across >> why why? >> Now why? >> This sounds eerily familiar to what
00:56:07
we're hearing about these boxes of ticks that are being found. And it begs the
00:56:11
question, was this person telling the truth? So this form >> stop this was there's another one about
00:56:19
in the war they would drop ticks to spread disease. >> So Canada's declaring war on Ontario.
00:56:28
>> Oh, wait a second. Go ahead. Okay. Here's a >> tix as boweapons.
00:56:35
>> That's more clear. That's a clear. >> Yes. It's actually uh in CIA then it
00:56:39
makes sense. For instance, uh infected ticks were ployed >> uh from C130s flying low over sugarcane
00:56:48
fields in Cuba back in the day under President Kennedy. Uh there is abundant evidence of the testing field testing
00:56:58
>> of uh infected ticks and other uh insects >> in in a variety of settings uh in in uh
00:57:08
states and elsewhere. Clearly Sam was involved. >> No one thinks twice. It's basically
00:57:14
>> any more information. >> The idea is because there's >> what is it when you get tick? Lyme
00:57:19
disease. >> Lyme disease. Yeah. >> And there's a new one. pretty incurable
00:57:23
>> that's something incurable like what's worse a little bit so if you want to and
00:57:27
also they're coming up with a vaccine for this >> I don't know if this is true and it
00:57:33
sounds made up but that sounds kind of made up but apparently if you go on your phone you go on Tik Tok they are able to
00:57:41
geoengineer ticks to come through your phone microscopic ticks >> on Tik Tok
00:57:46
>> on tick tick tock I mean the when they invented they go isn't it why aren't we
00:57:51
giving away our secret plan to destroy the world with the name Tik Tok. No, it's so obvious and you wanted it. You
00:57:58
once you download it, you're asking for ticks. >> Yeah. And you can never leave it. And it
00:58:02
gives you spontaneous >> I had ticks in my head. Dana, >> when I slept with my um careful when I
00:58:12
>> It gives you facial German Shepherd Princess >> slept Dana. Not the way you think of it.
00:58:18
>> Slept on your face. >> She was having puppies out back. So Judy let me sleep in the doghouse
00:58:25
and she had 13 [ __ ] puppies and it was so joyous. I had maybe 25 ticks in my hair.
00:58:32
I'm not even joking. Was like this. Brian goes, "I'll get them with pliers."
00:58:36
It was We had to >> Well, that explains it. >> And they were all full to the brim with
00:58:41
juicy os. >> But you never got Lyme disease. >> Interesting. >> I'm just weak and feeble. I don't know.
00:58:50
No, we didn't have it back then. I don't know if those are the Kennedy box ticks.
00:58:55
>> I I grab one. I go, "Are you a box tick?" I shook them. >> They drop them and then people need to
00:59:00
be treated. Is it a way to make money off of them? >> Yeah. And then they then they have a
00:59:04
vaccine to help you with it. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> It's always a vaccine. They already said
00:59:08
Bill Gates has a vaccine for they're working on for this strain of Ebola, the new strain that has 68 deaths.
00:59:18
>> Sorry, it just hit my brain. And you said tick box. Is that where the phrase
00:59:21
ticks all the boxes come from? No pun intended. >> I don't think so. >> I know it's early for your birthday, but
00:59:29
I got you a box of ticks I'm going to throw on your farm. >> You know what's really adorable is when
00:59:35
I get up and I go down and I'm having a cup of coffee in the morning and the
00:59:39
horses like they see people moving around and you look over and they just are waiting for breakfast. So, they're
00:59:46
just two beautiful horses and they're just like and they don't they don't move. They're
00:59:52
just like staring at me like >> they're like here's the [ __ ] supposed
00:59:55
to give me some carrots >> with not moving. Oh, we give them special treats. Carrots and apples and
01:00:01
>> once you're take care of animals like you should treat ticks that way and be
01:00:05
nice to them. >> Animals have no higher consciousness. Like I've said before, they they remind
01:00:11
you to just chill. Don't try to take life too seriously. >> Yeah, I like they just do their thing.
01:00:15
just just leave them alone. That's what they want. They're like, >> they just want to be fed some water and
01:00:19
they, "Hey, let's go over there. Let's go over there." What? You know, and
01:00:22
sometimes they throw a party. They start jumping around >> and horses go, "If you get time, can you
01:00:26
throw a saddle on me and kick me a few times and put your full body weight on me?
01:00:30
>> Put some big heavy steel thing in my mouth first and yank on it." >> Yeah, I love horses. All right, I think
01:00:36
that's it, D. It's >> I think Yeah, we're right up against it.
01:00:39
We're right They said it couldn't be done and they had a point. Next week,
01:00:43
we'll get to the stories sooner, but we had a lot to talk about. Uh, okay. By
01:00:46
the way, I go off to I don't know when I go to grown-ups, but we will um we'll
01:00:50
work around that. >> Uh, yeah, we'll have to figure out that. >> All right, Dana, stay on when I jump
01:00:57
off. >> Yeah, don't uh we're going to read some ads and do some intros.
01:01:02
>> Yep. >> All right, guys. Thanks for watching. >> Thanks for watching once again and see
01:01:06
you next week with new characters. >> That's me going underwater to end the
01:01:11
show. Here's me going in water. You just blow the wa. You blow the air out through your nose. You don't have to
01:01:19
do one of these things. >> No, you're smart. >> Hey guys, if you're loving this podcast,
01:01:27
which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us a review, fivestar rating, and maybe even
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01:01:48
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01:01:54
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01:02:03
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