00:00:00
All right, we're pure chaos over here, Dana. We got it, Ph. Man, these are Welcome to Pure Chaos. These are, you know, they're not easy. People go, "What is it like?" I go, "You don't want to know what it's like."
00:00:12
I go, "Wouldn't I want to know?" People go, "Dana works hard on these. You breeze through it." I go, "No, we
00:00:18
both." I said, "Believe me, Dana comes out of the barn. He's like the Amish." She goes
00:00:24
out there, bustes hump. Never. Your your thing is never let them see you working. Never let them see you sweating. I'm out there going, "Look at my funny voices. Like me, geese."
00:00:38
Mine is never work. No. I I tell Gervitz, I go, I like to I like to I go, I like I want a job, but I don't want to work. Ah, I guess you don't like money. I do like money.
00:00:51
You don't like money? your manager. Someone I knew ran into him and of course he went through all of it.
00:00:57
Really? Hence, hey, handsome. Oh, who's funnier than you? Yeah. He goes, I'm having lunch with Spade. And he goes,
00:01:04
"Would you lose a bet?" He's got his tricks. Full quips. Yeah. And I go I go, "Hey, where are you
00:01:15
having lunch, Gitz?" And he goes, "Uh, information is power. Money never sleeps. Strictly need to know basis.
00:01:22
Yeah, he's got them all lined up, man. He just he repeats them all right before he falls asleep. I thought I was going to get more for that. The landscape has changed.
00:01:33
Good night, manager. Landscape has changed. Who's funny than you, handsome? Oh my god. All right, call you back. Are you calling me back on? What? That's just how he hangs up. Call you back.
00:01:44
Mhm. Call me back. Anyway, Dana, what's been going on? We've had a week off. Let's catch me up
00:01:52
on your stuff. I'll catch you up. All right. Well, I have a few current event things that piqu my interest. So,
00:01:57
it looks like they may um it probably won't happen anytime in the next week or something, but Jizane. [Music] Jizzlane. Jizzlane. You can't make that up. I
00:02:09
looked it up. That's the correct pronunciation. Jizzlane Maxwell. Jizzy Lane. You're in my
00:02:17
You're in my bungalow. What's the possible correct pronunciation? Go ahead. Just lane. Let's just call her
00:02:23
Jane. Just Lane. Let's So, I'm imagining that she's in front of congressional hearing and I'm also acknowledging to myself
00:02:30
that I don't know what she talks like. She's never really spoken. So, here is Senator John Kennedy. He's in on it. He's Well, he's a Congress guy. Uh Miss
00:02:42
Jiz Lane, is that your real name? Did I get that right? You were sort of what we
00:02:48
call the point person for Mr. Jeffrey Epstein. That correct? Did I did I get that right? And what was your job in that scenario? And we don't know what
00:02:59
she's going to sound like. Well, you know, when I was on the island with Jeffrey, I set up the lounge chairs and
00:03:07
get the sunscreen in the water for everybody. And then if a VIP wanted a date, I would go and look in the bungalows and make sure the hidden cameras were working properly. I'd wipe
00:03:21
off the lands, you know. I think that's what we call in in in Louisiana a bombshell. Did I get that right? I don't know if it's a bombshell. It was just
00:03:32
another day on the island. It's the day at the office. So that's it. I like it. Yeah, that's one of mine. What do you got? Let's go. Put the water wings on the girls. And uh
00:03:46
yeah, make sure the blackmail stuff is all lined up. Make sure the cameras are recording
00:03:51
properly. You know, we want to make our guests happy, but no one knows what she talks like. Maybe she'll talk like that.
00:03:57
Maybe I'll be my best impression if she gets in court. They're trying to drag her in court, right? Drag her.
00:04:03
They want to drag her in. And this thing is just going on and um they're going to interview her. She's the last living
00:04:09
person that has all the records. I don't know. I'm just saying it's still a story,
00:04:14
right? And she was really Robin. It was really Batman and Robin. So, if Robin's there, you want to try to get some info.
00:04:21
They say, "Oh, there's nothing to worry about because he's dead." But I think she's more worried about all the alive
00:04:26
people that are on tapes or something, right? If if these uh these people did something illicit on an island with underage whatevers, then maybe maybe we
00:04:38
have the right to know I think those uh powerful people are nagging at her in the back of our head
00:04:44
like they might be a problem if I rat everyone out. But hopefully something comes from it. Um
00:04:49
yeah, the other when I was going I stopped in Arizona. and I went to a Morgan Wallen
00:04:54
concert or as my mom calls him Wallen Morgan which actually sounds like a real name. Wahwa Gegan Wahwa Gegan isn't that his name? It's uh there's a lot of country guys
00:05:04
out there. Morgan Wallen is doing very well. I like Shabadoo. What's What's Oh yeah. Shabadooi. Uhi we had on SNL. Yeah. Yeah. So what is Morgan what's he
00:05:15
doing? What's he up to? So Morgan uh he had two shows there and at the Cardinal Stadium. So he can do stadiums, right? He has two nights. So I love it. He has someone from I've seen this on,
00:05:29
you know, Instagram or something. He has someone pre preferentially from that city walk
00:05:35
him out. So I've seen So you know, if you're at a stadium, it's a long walk from the dressing room
00:05:41
like when the team comes out of the tunnel. But before that, he's got a dressing room in the middle of the
00:05:46
stadium and he walks out. So hang on with that video. But so he says, "Hey, why don't you
00:05:53
uh he asked Theo to call me and say, would Spade ever want it?" He likes Joe Dirt. He goes, "Would he ever come out
00:05:59
as Joe? Walk me out." Okay. So I'm intrigued. I said I said, "I don't know." Then I
00:06:06
go, "You know what? It kind of would be fun. This is kind of the place to do it." So Heather and I dusted off an old
00:06:12
Joe Dirt wig and then uh we mullet. Yeah. A real one from And I found the old Yeah. from Joe Dirt, too. And then I found my real janitor shirt from one. I said, "I don't want to
00:06:24
walk out with you. Why don't you come and pick me up along the way cuz it's too long of a walk to be funny or Nick?" So here it is. We'll just show you.
00:06:30
Oh, I want to see a clip. Okay. Okay. Put the volume up. Let's see. So he's playing a song.
00:06:36
Yeah. And There we go. Oh, they move right away. So, you can see the crowd underneath. It's on the big screen.
00:06:51
There's Heather filming this. You see it's on the screen also. 60,000. It's hard to think of little bits to do. Well, cuz it's all mime visual. You know
00:07:02
what? little hug and I run off like Joder when Kid Rock yells at me. What kind of little Yeah, super fun. You didn't get to talk as Joe Dirt, you
00:07:14
know? No, it was enough where they just saw they could see that it was a But it was good. They remember Joe Dirt and they
00:07:21
recognize it and then it was fun because it totally fits in with Morgan. He's got a mullet and he's big superstar. Well, you know, I mean,
00:07:29
did you have any sense that maybe you go with the shirt like this and it would say fly on the wall now on
00:07:36
Monday laser disc? Oh, yeah. Fly on the wall now and even more confusing times. Uh, which motto is keep them guessing. I think we should just tell people that
00:07:48
are confused, just keep checking. It'll there there will be two a week and it'll
00:07:53
still be two a week. So, you will catch them. And as if we're not confused, I mean, like kind of have
00:07:59
some empathy for our position. It's Monday, Thursday. It's not any of the days it was, which would have
00:08:04
helped, but it's Monday, Thursday. Okay, this just came in. I don't know if it's true, but
00:08:10
Jazine got Jiz Lane got a got a call in jail and I guess they released a recording. Let me just play it. Well, I'll just sort of I listen to it when you're doing
00:08:23
Did you act it out? Yeah. She's like, "Hello, who is this?" You're not going to go anywhere, are
00:08:29
you? You're not what? Who is this? I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't testify if I were you, but some of do it.
00:08:40
Who's that Trump's telling him? What's it? Does it sound like Trump? I mean, I would guess if I had to say
00:08:46
No, what I heard in the corner is don't do it. Don't do it. And if you look at it and you think about it, you wouldn't
00:08:52
do it. She's like, "What are you talking about? Should I fix the secret cameras?" That was what I heard. And I don't even
00:08:59
know if that's real. Um, speaking of Trump, can I do a current event? 100%. So, now he came out today, and this will be an ongoing story that Russia was the ring leader for the Russia. Russia Obama
00:09:13
was the ring leader for the Russia. I did hear this. Yes. And so I heard this is on Daily Mail that Springsteen called him to offer support. You know, like, hello. Who is this? It's Bruce
00:09:25
Springsteen. How you doing, Mr. President? I'm doing fine. What's up? I heard Trump
00:09:30
threaten you. I just want you to know I got your back. Oh, okay. But I think I can handle it myself. No, I got your back. Believe me,
00:09:37
I got my boots on, my big boy pants, and my cowboy hat. That's six feet of Bruce Springsteen coming right at you. All
00:09:44
right, talk to you later. I'll keep that in mind, Bruce. Six feet of pure Springsteen coming right at you. I think
00:09:50
I think it's not a problem. I'm going to [ __ ] them up. I'm [ __ ] Michelle. I'm talking to Bruce. I'm going to [ __ ] them
00:09:56
up. Boom. So, these are just things I hear. Do you want to do one? We're baking a fun cake today. I just wanted to say that. I like these are what everybody wants.
00:10:06
Short little fun cake. This is something up your alley. You could lean in on this first. Liam Nissan and Pamela Anderson are an at item.
00:10:17
Yes. Yes. Good luck. I have skills. Remember taken. Good luck. Good luck. I have skills I've listen Anderson. I've
00:10:30
got skills I've acquired as a lover that make me a dream boat for a Baywatch little
00:10:38
beauty like yourself. You're kind of intense. I know. I was born intense. [ __ ] yeah. He's a stud, dude. I hope they are going out. I like her. I like
00:10:49
him. Yeah, she's cool. I I hope Naked Gun is good, you know? I mean, it's funny to do the Leslie
00:10:55
Nielsen part. It's ballsy, but he's kind of a funny guy to do it because he's so
00:11:01
serious. The more serious he plays, you can't play it too serious and too straight.
00:11:06
I'm going to see it. I want to see it and I'll give a full effing review. You can't play it too serious, Mr. Spade. I have skills I've acquired. Shut
00:11:14
up. Okay, maybe he'll start that speech. He better do it in the movie, is it, Joe? Oh, I bet he must do a part of it in the
00:11:20
movie. That's just that of all the kind of guys over 60 that want to be action heroes, he got taken and that still has
00:11:27
not been topped. And that speech was uh, you know, just incredible. Whoever wrote it,
00:11:32
by the way, every movie I've seen him since is like taken from an igloo, taken from it's all the exact same movie, but
00:11:38
just a different surroundings. They they wronged him and now he's going to write it.
00:11:44
And they said, "Hey, um, Liam, can you not say skills this time, but kind of this?" All right. All right.
00:11:51
Roll the cameras. I have talents that you can't believe. Yeah. Talents that make me a nightmare. Cut.
00:11:57
Can you not say nightmare? All right. Roll the cameras. I'm in video village while you're doing this. I'm like, I have cameras. I have I have uh talent
00:12:05
that make me uh uh make you feel bad if you if you come in contact with my talents. I'm Leon Niss. Hey, cut. Don't say the name. Your character's name is Joe.
00:12:18
What's his name? Joe. Yeah, I'm Joe. I'm Joe and I've got a dream of hurting. Uh I have a dream. I want to uh My name is Joe Dirt and I
00:12:30
want You're way off. I have a meteor, right? Go ahead. He says, he says, you know, I have a
00:12:37
dream. And they're like, don't say I have a dream. It sounds like Martin Luther King. He goes, okay,
00:12:43
I'm the guy from Taken. They go, no, don't say that either. Don't say the guy from Taken.
00:12:48
Yeah. They go, I have a rowboat. Cut. What does that have to do with this scene? You're in a warehouse in the
00:12:54
middle of nowhere. 20 guys with machine guns. I know. I thought it sounded good. I've got a rowboat that if you got it,
00:13:00
you might flood. And he goes, "I have a particular paddle boat and I know how to paddle and I know where you are." I have a bowl of mashed potatoes that I could smash in your face
00:13:13
and make you dream bad things at night. Cut. We might call them smash potatoes after.
00:13:20
Thanks. I just wanted to add that. Did we get that where we cut all any kind of gruff voice?
00:13:27
Hi, I'm Pamela Anderson. No, that's a Hey, she's cool. I That's a nice beaver. Thank you. I stuffed it myself.
00:13:38
That's from the real show. Oh, that's from the show. That's from Naked Gun. You know, Naked
00:13:44
Gun 33 and a third was directed by You'll never guess. Um Tom Hanks, Pete Seagull. Pete Seagull. Pete Seagull. I like those. And I do think that if there is such a thing as timing, having
00:13:57
a naked gun, just ridiculous laughs per second comedy right now. I think there they've hit the zeitgeist right now. We could use it. I think we could all use a lot. We could use it all the time, but
00:14:09
especially today. Especially in this climate. Yeah. Uh okay. What else? You have other stories, don't you? And then we'll get to the regular stories. Well, this is this is this is a story.
00:14:20
This is a news flash. So, we had a pest Oh, I heard about this. Okay, we're hearing noises all over the chat
00:14:27
room. Noises in the attic. And I'm thinking it's nothing, you know. Those are phones. It sounded like a phone. The old dial rotary. And there's like
00:14:48
And then under the thing, it was going Joe Dirt. Yeah, it just sounded like Joker. So, this went on for two weeks.
00:15:02
Maybe they're playing clips from the Morgan Wallen walk out. The animals. Do you think it's a raccoon? What do you think? I immediately go to rat.
00:15:13
Oh, yeah. I go to rat. We had a super happy cool pest control guy. What's up, man? All right. So, we showed him the how he could get in the attic in the garage. And he goes, "I am
00:15:24
I am so going up there, man. I'm so going up there." All right, that's really cool. I got a new ladder. You
00:15:31
want to see it? The guy was like, "So, then I come back. I go, how was it?" He goes, "Hey, guess what? I found a cute
00:15:37
little fella." And it was a little mouse that got into a sticky trap. We didn't even know there were sticky traps up there, but a little mouse. It was quick. He goes, "Here's this little feller.
00:15:49
Hey, he's cute though, you know. Well, that'll be $648. So, my wife, I couldn't hear she close the door. I heard her say,
00:16:01
"What was she talking about?" She was making out with an arvark in the other room.
00:16:08
But basically, we heard noise. We got a guy and he was very cool. Man, I was so happy to be out here and help you folks,
00:16:14
you know, just one of those nice. Don't you have stories like that on your boat? I like the guy. He might have been a
00:16:19
little star struck by you. Well, he started calling me Dana, which is pretty cool. I had sunglasses on
00:16:25
inside just to be sort of cool. And um I just was like, "So, you really like just crawling in attics where there's rats and feces?" Terrible. Yeah, I do, man. It's a calling, dude. I
00:16:36
like it. Dana. Hey, Dana. Hey, how's that guy David on the on the podcast? I thought I saw him at Morgan Wallen show. I was out there and he came out,
00:16:48
but they didn't let him talk. So, I'd heard that story before the podcast. You know, it's funny. We were talking
00:16:54
and they go, "You you can't hear Morgan." Um, well, he said, you know, I have this
00:17:00
earpiece in and I I can't hear anything. And then when he come out, he goes, "So, when did you come in?" While we're
00:17:05
walking out, he's trying to normal conversation. I'm like, "Oh, hey. Uh, I got in last night, but I'm leaving in
00:17:10
the morning." And he's like, "Oh, cool." So, uh, how long you know Theo? A long time. Theo says you're a cool guy. So,
00:17:17
we're talking. Meanwhile, the crowd's yelling and I'm like, "Hang on, I got to do this." What's up? Huh? But when I
00:17:23
when I was in his dress room and I put, we were bullshitting and then I put on that wig and everything and his shirt
00:17:28
and then I come out and they're all standing there like and I go, "You're gonna stand there owning a fireworks
00:17:34
stand." and I go right into like Joe Dirt jokes. So, it just fit like a glove. You just had It was fun. Yeah. I mean, the wig isn't
00:17:41
perfect, but it was pretty good. And then it was just a good throwaway. But, you know, for comedy jokes, I I
00:17:48
walked I go, "This looks like a two-minute walk." And I go, "It's about two minutes." I go I said, "Can he come pick me up so we
00:17:54
cut a little of the time out because I don't know what I can do for that long." I mean, if you're just walking, it's one thing. Like the night before he had
00:18:00
Randy Johnson who pitched for the Arizona Diamondbacks. He's like, well, that Randy Johnson Hall of Famer
00:18:06
who used to have a mullet and you don't have to have a mullet for this, I believe. Yeah. And he uh he would pitch and his
00:18:14
fingers would touch the catcher's m he was a tall a tall man, Ed. Uh he actually would shake hands with the uh the batter. Yeah, exactly. After he threw the pitch, he'd say,
00:18:26
"Here, while I'm here, let's just high five each other." Yeah. So, they're going to Seattle next.
00:18:32
I go, "Who you going to get to walk in?" There's some [ __ ] nerd. So, he's just like,
00:18:37
"Well, that's not nice." Yeah. No, we had we cracked up. It was fun. You were killing. You know it. This
00:18:43
was a great time. Something to do. I don't go to the stadium concerts. By the way, just his merch alone was raking it
00:18:50
in. Raking it in. Well, what why don't we just to amuse ourselves? Yeah. Book a stadium. Like, we'll forall it if people don't know that. like we'll pay and we'll paper it and so we'll play
00:19:04
his stadium and we'll ask Morgan Wallen if he can repay the favor and come walking out with us. Yeah, he might. He's pretty nice guy. I know. I mean, I'm just envious of
00:19:16
musicians. I would love to have been just comedies like what's up? What's up? And they just like I was on and you know it's like yeah it's got these hit songs and every
00:19:28
every girl in Phoenix and there in Scottdale came out they dusted off their cowboy boots they had a blonde hair all
00:19:37
cowboy hats the once a year cowboy hat good. So he is also a sex symbol. Yes they all of them. I'm going to ask you a question just to interrupt the
00:19:49
podcast. If if Roy Orverson looked like Elvis Presley Yes. and Elvis Presley looked like Roy Orbison, which one have been would would
00:20:03
Elvis still have been a sex symbol? If David Spade looked like Phyllis Diller? Um, no. I think you're right. I
00:20:11
mean, listen, good looks matters. I don't care how you you can argue forever. It's always better to be
00:20:18
good-looking. And if you're in show business, it's such a plus. I mean, Morgan's a stud, but all these country
00:20:24
guys kind of the same look kind of. It feels like they all seem to do well. I don't hear about the ones that don't,
00:20:30
but the ones I see that are on tour, they all have big shows and well, it's generally kind of if you're a
00:20:38
country music star, you know, you got you got boots on like the you got cowboy boots on, you're [ __ ] kickers, you got Levis's of some kind or jeans,
00:20:50
some kind of jacket, and you're cranking it up. You're selling the authenticity of like, yeah,
00:20:55
I always wear boots, just jeans, just a t-shirt, just a and I'm ready to fight anybody any
00:21:02
second. I said, you stupidly got a solid gold belt buckle. That was dumb because people will pick up on that. They're
00:21:08
going to notice it. That's right. They have, you know, Elvis used to have a a belt buckle. It was the size of a a dinner plate.
00:21:16
I love Elvis so much. Oh, and I just always thought, what did he think when Colonel Tom Parker brought out the white
00:21:22
jumpsuit with the bell bottoms and the plate saves? Did he have any comp? I don't know if I want to wear that,
00:21:28
Colonel. Oh, come on now, Elvis. That's a wonderful outfit for you. Big bell bottoms and a big old belt buckle. Yeah,
00:21:35
but that's the size of a dinner, Colonel. I I'd like to come out in jeans and boots
00:21:41
like a country star. No, Elvis. Now, I'm the colonel and I take 70% of your check. So, believe me when I tell you
00:21:49
that clown suit is perfect for you at this point in your career. What if Elvis just didn't listen? He
00:21:55
came out like an Isod alligator polo shirt, you know, untucked, some brown cords. Yeah, I got I got my butt on I got my Sketchers on. I got my I got my
00:22:09
uh whatever you said eyes you know the alligator one. Yeah. Left my home in North Virginia, California 109 stud. My mom was in love
00:22:20
with Elvis. Oh my god. My sister instead of the Beatles, Rolling Stones had 500 pictures. Literally, she
00:22:27
talk about being good-looking. That is the guy that's so good-looking. Of And he had a great voice. So,
00:22:32
if you can start being good-looking, start today if you can. It does help. Yeah, it was. But I knew a woman who had
00:22:40
dinner with him once and she literally did the face. She said the entire dinner he just was doing this.
00:22:46
I'd like a I'd like a salad. I think she was You got a Is it crab cakes? Stay up there. Hold on. I'd like some
00:22:54
What do you call meatballs? You got any meatballs with extra mayonnaise? [Laughter] All right, let's get to one story. Some salmon. And I'd like some ketchup
00:23:05
to put on the salmon. Okay, go ahead. Here we go. We're kicking into it. Oh, this is I'm from Arizona, so this struck
00:23:10
me. And like fall to the ground, but I've never actually seen it happen. This thing is massive.
00:23:16
Out of your air vents. That's a big A lot of people don't love scorpions. I don't want to have to do anything. No one's When is it going to fall? Cuddling up.
00:23:26
When's it going to fall? Yeah, you wait for it to fall. Oh, it's still walking around there. Ah, that is terrifying. That's on your roof. God, I was just
00:23:33
played Mission Impossible. That thing's upside down. Get in the vent. Get in the vent. Are they One time I was on the phone when I moved
00:23:46
to Arizona when I was during like SNL. I got a little uh place there. And uh it was newer, but it's, you know, they always build it like right into the rocks. It was a new development. So they
00:23:59
put one in their building all around me. And when I'd come there off and on, I found total, I'm not lying, probably 18 scorpions in my seven years there.
00:24:11
But they're terrifying. So I saw Havalas in my front yard. Those are like wild pigs with the big tusks. And then I saw two or three rattlesnakes. But I was on
00:24:22
the phone on speaker phone talking to some lady and the scorpion starts walking at me. They're very menacing. Even if they mean well, it doesn't look good because they got the stinger and they got the clamps
00:24:34
to hold you. No. Yeah. And mysterious island. 1962. They went on the island. Everything's gigantic. And one of the things was a gigant a scorpion the size of a Volkswagen.
00:24:47
Yeah. Terrifying. Terrifying. Yeah. So, I'm there and she says, she's on speaker and I go, "Oh, hold on. Hold on.
00:24:54
I got a scorpion walking at me. I got to uh make some adjustments here." And because I have bare feet and she goes,
00:24:59
"Oh, I found a ladybug on my shower curtain today." I go, "Oh, I'm almost dying and you almost had good luck.
00:25:08
It's not the same." Yeah. You've got to categorize your insects, you know? You can't just you
00:25:13
can't make them all equivocated. Not a ladybug you're talking about when I'm wrestling a scorpion for my life. If
00:25:21
you had to have like you're asleep at night and a gaggle of one kind of insect in your room, what? Ladybugs. None. Just none. Ladybugs. Maybe.
00:25:34
That's my answer. Don't like insects. No, I don't want crawly. I had this question the other night. Oh, would I rather have Oh, we were on the road and
00:25:45
and they had a air conditioner where I couldn't figure out how to turn off the fan. I've had those. And as I go to sleep and
00:25:51
I don't like it blowing on my face, so it's freezing. I don't know why. So I'm putting pillows up around me, it's still
00:25:58
hitting me. And then Bobby said when he went to bed. He said, "When I went to the show, there was a huge spider on my
00:26:04
wall and I I'll kill it before I leave." And he forgot and it was gone. And he said, "Would you rather have that before you go to bed or the blowing in the face?" I'm like, "I don't know. The
00:26:15
spider scares me too much. I don't know. That's a tough Uh the you know maybe we're not very technical with stuff but sometimes this is just being in hotels
00:26:25
issue of the air conditioning. Sometimes you put it on low. I just want a low fan and all of a sudden it goes high by
00:26:32
itself. Then you put on auto and so sometimes they're easy and sometimes it's like a Rubik's cube. Fan high, AC high, AC medium, auto low, auto fan auto. I'm like, "How about
00:26:46
[ __ ] off, babe?" And how to set the set set the temp? I tried to set it and then I was told you got to hold down on the button to set it. I was because it looked like it would just go down.
00:26:58
You got to hold on to that one curvy. Okay. The thing with fans is like I'm like, "Okay, off." Like, "So, it's off. Just
00:27:04
like medium air conditioning." I'm like, "No, off." And they're like, "Okay, just low." I'm like, "Off?" They're like,
00:27:12
"Well, you don't want nothing." thing. I'm like, that's what I want. I want nothing. No noise, no blowing. Okay,
00:27:18
we're just going to give you a little fan just every couple. That's all. It's nothing. It's literally It's almost They
00:27:24
have remote control from Yeah, that's this air conditioner talking back to me. Oh, I thought it was someone at the
00:27:29
hotel. All right, David Spade. We love Joe Dirt. And here is a little light blow of air. Joe Dirt coming right at
00:27:34
you. You're going to thank us later. That's what the AC thinks. You'll thank me for this. And I woke up and then I
00:27:41
finally saw in the ceiling two different vents right at me bent down and it's like kadoo kadish. You just can't get away from it. Sleep a wink D.
00:27:53
Get some kind of thing that covers your head like a lightweight helmet to protect.
00:27:58
Yeah, lightweight helmet air blowing in your face. All right. Tom Brady gifts his son Benjamin Jacob and company
00:28:04
billionaire mini Ashoka. What have they watch worth three million? I guess so. Is that what that says? Yeah, I think it's three million. Mhm. Um,
00:28:18
so Tom Brady suspend. Are you closing your eyes? Yeah, I'm closing my eyes. I see you puking. Don't look.
00:28:24
The other kids are like, that can't be real. You better be. It's got 62 Ashoka cut diamonds. Oh,
00:28:36
mine's iced out. That's crazy. All right, close your eyes. That's literally crazy. Jesus. Take that thing down to the other side of track. See how long you last out in the
00:28:48
hinderland. Okay, little guy. You know how long did it take that kid to fence that thing for a Rolls-Royce or two.
00:28:57
Yeah, I won't be there wearing that to [ __ ] Wendy's to get a single with extra mustard.
00:29:02
I think it's great. your parents are worth a billion. So I guess contextually that's like a regular person getting a
00:29:08
kid a $3 watch. Yeah. He's like, "This is for me." And Jazelle's like, "And me." And she's
00:29:14
like, "Oh, yeah, her, too." And the trainer I married from him, too. Hya. He could beat you up. He could beat you up. Ex-husband Tom Brady with the chop chop
00:29:27
armbar. Yeah. What can you do? throw a football at Karate Man. Ain't going to I mean used to be able to throw football. I thought they had a very easy divorce. But you hear rumors that she still is
00:29:38
like, "You can't beat up my new husband. Not even close." That's No one ever mentioned that was
00:29:44
the Elvis trick. When uh Priscilla left Elvis, she went to her karate instructor and so Elvis knew that's remember he was
00:29:51
taking karate on stage. Yeah. Cuz he couldn't beat up that guy and so she felt safer with the guy.
00:29:57
I know. So if you have if you get divorced, get a karate champion as your next husband. At least it's very clear.
00:30:05
Well, but you know, Elvis had weapons. Elvis had Elvis had guns. I bought one of his guns.
00:30:11
You bought one of Elvis's guns. First thing I bought at an auction. I was like, "Oh, they had an Elvis auction. I just stumbled upon it.
00:30:17
Butterfield Butterfield on Sunset." So I go, "I loved Elvis. I want to get some stuff." So I bought one
00:30:22
was a signed picture of Elvis. I looked through all the stuff. It said to Judy out of the randomness and my mom's name
00:30:29
was Judy. So I got her that and then I got a watch said Elvis Presley around it. And then
00:30:34
that's cool. His buddies were there like Jo Espazito like this real, you know, boys and they
00:30:40
were like, "Yeah, that one's real. That one's real. They have to be authenticated." And I got a set list he wrote from the
00:30:45
Michigan Sherin and it was like hound dog with an arrow. Put that later. Suspicious minds. His handwriting lost
00:30:52
it. It was cool. That was probably I don't know how much. But wow. The um I got a gun that he used to wear
00:30:58
in his boots. Where were you buying this? Some garage sale. Elvis auction. No. At like a SE type.
00:31:05
And you know who was the guy? I had to call on the phone cuz I didn't want to be there cuz I thought people would rip
00:31:11
me off more. Will Frell. Oh, that's And he was competing with you? No, he was working at the auction. And so I go, I got to call in. We'll have
00:31:24
one of our guys on the phone. Got it. And he was like, "My guy bids 2,000 for that." And then
00:31:31
at the end he goes, "Okay, come pick him up." So I went and pick him up and I saw him. But he didn't get on SNL
00:31:37
till later. But Oh, it was a young Will Frell just Oh, I see. So did you have things like the bid
00:31:43
is 3 million? 3 million. Anyone? Anyone? Three million is the current bid, Mr. Spade. Three million. I think Will was like this. Three. He's like this. 3 million coming. But it was really like I think my watch was 7,000.
00:31:55
He's like 7,000 7200. And I go, "Uh, yeah." And he's like, "Da." And then they finally goes, "Okay, you got it."
00:32:01
And I'm like, "Yeah." Come around, pick him up. I took my Land Cruiser down there. God, I got to do that. Oh, it was
00:32:08
fun, dude. That's why I keep buying that [ __ ] It's cool. It's like anything that's one of a kind like that. You know, it's real. I tried to buy his
00:32:14
motorcycle. It was too much. Little too much. All that stuff's going to go up in value. It's like Bitcoin. There's a
00:32:20
scarcity to the Elvis stuff. Yeah. If you can't get it and it's for sure real if it's au what is it
00:32:26
a authenticated authenticated that too. I don't know. Sounds like a fun day. Another story. Yeah, I did like I like Will. Of course I like Will ever since. Absolutely. Uh oh. Children in China playing with
00:32:42
humanoid robots. Let's see how humanoid they look. And so it begins. Oh, that does look real. Wow. I don't like the way they dress, though.
00:32:55
It's a little scary. Well, it's No, it's more than a little scary. I don't know if I'd make the face a ring light. I guess that helps in some situations. I a demon ring light. I mean, that look
00:33:07
like that's a horror film. I don't want I don't want a lit up little robot thing that could choke out any kid in the on
00:33:14
the block. Hi. As a robot, what's fun to me is to kill you. Oh, I'm called Fun Cake. Mr. Fun Cake. I will now squeeze you. Stop robot. Stop a
00:33:30
robot. Stop. No robot. Stop a choke. Stop a choke. Robot. Okay. Uhoh. Everybody run. Earthquake.
00:33:49
All right. If I'm not cancelled, let's continue with the podcast. Okay. Oh, Telegram. Dana. Dana's
00:33:54
canceled. Stop. Stop doing the thing. Stop. Stop. Stop. I I said stop. Stop. The robot thing, the AI thing. I'm just saying. And it's going to be It's going to be big. It's going to be big.
00:34:05
It's big. Uh. It's going to get bigger. It's already big. Uh. I asked someone from the Bachelor what they thought.
00:34:10
They go, "AI is big." What was that? It's a big deal. Oh, okay. That's how they talk. What country was that? That's from here. That's They add that
00:34:22
on the end. Oh, no way. Mhm. Uh um Okay, next story. Mhm. When we hit a wall, which we did we we Yeah. Let's get it in first
00:34:34
gear. Now, they asked you most about how you got three. Oh, hang on. Hold on. This is Aman Ross
00:34:41
St. Brown who I had in fantasy football. He's a great performer. His dad gives a pretty
00:34:47
shocking answer for him. Okay. When they're dating two kids, they want to know in general how I did it. I believe in breeding. Two kids are now good athlete. Good
00:34:59
athlete. I'm black. Mom is mom's white. Now you I don't stepped on it once. You can't keep stepping on it cuz you're
00:35:05
going to mess it up. You're going to weaken it. You can't keep cutting it. Can't keep cutting it now. No. You you you and Brooklyn or Brooklyn
00:35:12
have half a chance. If I cut it one more time, it's over. You can't keep cutting. You got to be careful. You can't just keep cutting.
00:35:18
He's so serious. Got to think about it. You know what I mean? No. Dead ass. If I'm black, I got the black gold running through my veins. Oh, I'm excited. I'm just going
00:35:29
to find the right person to mate with, right? And if I'm white, I'm saying, "Let me get one of these brothers around here." If you want to have athletes, if
00:35:36
you don't have athletes, then just go ahead and and just spread your seed wherever. So why why'd you cut it once?
00:35:41
Because you could. I knew I knew I didn't cut it once. Because he's gold. I got that black gold. Mean mama got that big chin. A big toe. I said, "Look,
00:35:49
you're never wrong." Big toe woman. Big chin. Who says the big chin? You got to think of this stuff. Some guys don't think of it till later. They
00:35:55
go like I'm standing at Papana. You wouldn't know it. You're on the field. One of you guys on the field playing and
00:36:00
I was talking to a guy holding the story. He goes, "You were thinking about that, John?" I go, "Yeah, you weren't?"
00:36:05
He goes, "Hell no." Okay, man. He's little, the wife is little, kids are little, everybody's little. It's over. Little
00:36:13
little little chicken little little. What? So, do you follow that? The two kids are NFL players. I absolutely followed it. I'm just And people go and the dad is like,
00:36:26
"Here's the Because people go, "How do you get two kids in the NFL?" And he goes, "Simple. Black gold." Yeah.
00:36:32
Black gold. And don't cut it. Don't cut it. Don't cut it. Don't cut it. It's like cocaine. You get a brick.
00:36:38
Yeah. You can only put so so much fruit fresh in it. What do you cut it with? Uh I know this guy that used to deal and I'd go to his house and he's chopping up
00:36:50
the cola. Then he pours like fruit fresh on it and then baby laxative. I go, "What's this?" He goes, "It's called
00:36:56
cutting it. Nobody wants 100% pure." I go, they don't. Well, we would be like if someone had a different thing like, you know, I got funny gold running through my body. So,
00:37:09
if you want to keep funny comedian, you got to marry a funny woman. Now, my my wife is a really funny woman. She can
00:37:15
do impressions, characters. She's really sharp. So, you don't you got to keep going with that lineage. So, you don't
00:37:20
want you don't want to be at a comedy club, look over, there's three guys not funny. Yeah. on amateur night. They're not
00:37:26
putting them up because or he says, "I'm funny. So, I'm so funny. I can marry someone that's not funny, but you guys,
00:37:33
you have to marry someone funny." That's it. Yeah. I I could I could I could marry an MC,
00:37:40
but you got to marry a headline. You got to marry a headliner. You got it to be two headliners. Two headliners.
00:37:45
Don't Yeah. Don't Don't Don't water it down. Don't water down the gold. The comedy
00:37:50
gold. You You want to get a gold album? 500,000 copies. So funny to watch the kids go and then he says, "Your mom's
00:37:57
got that big forehead." They're like, "What?" It is like I I knew someone who did
00:38:02
think about breeding in that sense. Yeah. I think people do think about it after like, "Oh, what's my kid going to look
00:38:09
like? Oh, with this person, what will it look like? Will it have your eyes? Will it be
00:38:15
uh strong?" You know, will it be whatever? Well, and then the gene pool. I knew a woman who was kind of she
00:38:21
wanted to marry a tall guy and the guy was like our height basically. She's kind of disappointed. The kid is 6'3.
00:38:29
Oh. Oh, the kid shot up. Just have a I I know a guy who's uh he was six feet. His kid went to 69. I
00:38:36
mean, you never know. Or unless the mailman was Yeah, mailman's involved. All right, next one. Dana, we're really doing good. I I I know. I'm This is one of my
00:38:50
favorites. This is one I sent in because I thought it was interesting. A, I'm obsessed with black widows from Arizona. They scare
00:38:55
the [ __ ] out of me. And B, Venus fly traps are so interesting. Fasinating nature continues to be. I was
00:39:02
always under the assumption that spiders got their necessary nutrients and hydration from the prey that they
00:39:09
caught. But I have now witnessed on multiple occasions when the spider comes across the Venus fly trap's nectar, it starts to get tricked. And just like any other prey gets
00:39:21
addicted to the nectar and into play it smart for a while. He stays on the edges. Switch sides. You can see that it kept
00:39:27
moving right down the nectar line while trying to collect as much of the sweet liquid as possible. Its movements pull
00:39:34
it right over the trigger head. Oh, I don't want to say it's a trap, but it is a trap. It's essential that the prey keeps on
00:39:41
moving to stimulate the trigger hairs and let the plant know that it's caught something alive and that it's worth starting the digestive process as the
00:39:52
prey starts to fill the grass of the plant. Wow. So, the plant does not have a brain. I don't know. It's genetically this clever thing
00:40:03
defense mechanism that like it waits and waits and it has to be stepped on a few times and even
00:40:09
spiders they knew not to go in the middle but the nectar is so good they start to go deeper and it's like
00:40:16
and gets them kind of drunk. They're a little anesthetized and kind of out of it. So it's literally a trap and they want them
00:40:22
to fight and when they fight the plant it releases better stuff. Crazy. It's just a nature thing that's
00:40:28
so nuts. What the [ __ ] happened on this planet? What happened? What happened? I mean, we got the
00:40:35
weirdest. Are there pyramids on the moon? What's going on? Do we have to go to any other planet?
00:40:40
Just go in a forest or the ocean. Yeah. Look at how nuts it is here. It's not boring. It's nuts.
00:40:46
Yeah. You can go 100 miles down in the ocean and just see a thing like this big with one eye 10 ft down.
00:40:53
What is the point? What is the point? It's got two eyes. Are there cylinders miles underneath the pyramids? I don't know. Pyramids. That's just alien intervention. I mean, that's a
00:41:05
coincidence. I mean, they've studied it. They've gone all over the world. And I love it. I love it. It is aliens. There you go. Why? No one
00:41:13
knows why we're here. No one knows how we got here. No one knows where the [ __ ] we are. So,
00:41:19
anything's possible. I say pyramids under the pyramids. And they're all aiming somewhere. They're all perfect longitude, latitude.
00:41:25
They're on the opposite side of the world. They're like going and they couldn't make those back then. They didn't even they can't make [ __ ]
00:41:31
They had some yarn and a couple strong guys. Let's build a Let's move this three ton boulder dudes. Yeah, they got no way. [ __ ] dirt. They started on stone hedge
00:41:43
wood chips. Are those the ones where they say the bodies are underneath and they're just this? Yeah,
00:41:48
but again, ancient man couldn't have made that. Are there giants in the Grand Canyon in the caves?
00:41:54
I've seen them and they walk down the river. People should mate with those. If you mate with like a nine foot giant, then your kid will be about
00:42:06
seven feet. If you mate with someone who has six eyes, your kids can have 12 eyes.
00:42:12
Okay, we'll do one or two more. We're on a roll. So long, D. I can't believe what's happening today.
00:42:19
Gamers have logged over 25 billion hours playing Call of Duty, surpassing the entire timeline of human history. God dang, that's a stat.
00:42:30
Wow. 25 billion hours. Oh, about 2.8 million years. I love the comments. Well, I love the face, you know. Yeah. I
00:42:43
like that people say, "Oh, yeah. Well, whatever. I don't want to get into it, but the violence in these games has to
00:42:50
reflect somewhat the violence of life because if you can professionally fake gun down other people for 12 hours a day every day for your Yeah. And then you get out in the real
00:43:01
world and you're like, I'm so good at this. Yeah. It's a weird thing for a kid to play that and just be hypnotized by it over
00:43:10
hours upon hours. They don't leave their room. I know. And so, you know, I'm an analog
00:43:16
man in a digital world and I'll say that, you know, when I was at a certain age, we would play checkers and
00:43:23
sometimes you try to get a king and go down. Now, it's like even that was too violent, part cheesy. Strateggo was a horror show and
00:43:35
a lot of casualties. I played Strateggo. That's a good one. It's hard. Stratego is good, man. You probably just
00:43:42
got in the corner. Put bombs all around you and just bombs everywhere. You were not offensive. You were just
00:43:48
defensive. Steal bombs from other Strateggo game and put more bombs. I wouldn't I don't cheat. I don't
00:43:53
I play Battleship and just lay the trap. You sunk my battleship was a great commercial.
00:43:59
Um that's what I say to people. Go away to a cabin, shut everything off, play Monopoly. You'll be much happier than
00:44:06
all these electronic games. And quit looking at and listening to podcasts for crying out loud.
00:44:12
Dana. Dana. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. No. No. The our We're okay. No, no, no. People are always doing other things when they're when they're looking or hearing us.
00:44:23
We're in the background of the blender. They're driving. They're cooking. They're vacuuming. They're washing.
00:44:29
They're bathing. They're hitching. I listen to it while I'm cleaning the chimney. I listen to it while I'm using
00:44:35
a chainsaw. I listen to it when I'm thinking of maybe who the opening season of of 51
00:44:42
hosts will be SNL. Yeah. Are you already thinking of the host? Well, yeah. Who's going to host the first show? The 51. It's already coming back.
00:44:53
Yeah. Pretty soon. Oh my god. Olly Jar Jar Banks. Jar Jar Banks. Well, he's not working. Where's he been? I know. Wasn't he kind of He was a real one and done.
00:45:06
Yeah. Well, the great name. No one ever forgot it. Other than that, Jar Jar Binks. Other than that, he had
00:45:13
uh Gervitz. He was a Rastaparian kind of was a um George Binks, man. I don't I can't
00:45:19
No, he had a weird accent and he was floating around like on a little propeller.
00:45:25
I don't Star Wars. Delightful. Dana, it was great having you on. I've run out of time.
00:45:30
Thank you for coming on the Dana Carvey Show. My guest has been David Spate. Thank you for having me. Is that funny every week that I say it?
00:45:37
It's kind of funny. I don't mind it. I ran out of ad libs 313 hours ago. By the way, I won't bother with this, but my mom can't get her contacts back on her phone. So, if it's still going by
00:45:48
next week, we're going to get some people involved in the audience. Oh. To help us. Okay. Now, I heard a
00:45:55
rumor that we're going to try a couple of questions. Oh, yeah. You want to do it? Let's try it. What's the worst thing that could
00:46:01
happen? Phil, hey, David and Dana. Um, just wanted to know if you could give me some advice. I
00:46:07
just bought a house with my fiance and we have seven kids total. What do I do? Just what do I do? Well,
00:46:18
how many carveys were there? Five kids. There were five kids. It was a baby, a 2-year-old, six-year-old, 8-year-old, and a 10-year-old. My mom was 31 years of age. She screamed a lot randomly.
00:46:31
I would, too. I'm sure your kids screamed a lot, too. That guy, if that guy's kind of fun
00:46:39
enough, then he played it very real. So, I kind of I mean, you know what I mean?
00:46:45
Yeah. I mean, if it's true, let's say he has seven kids. Let's say seven kids. He's not married, but he's had seven kids. Wait, I thought
00:46:52
he said he had he say he's married. Fiance, he said. Oh, what what's it going to take to
00:46:58
close the sale, guy? Jesus. What do you need? Doubledigit progeny until you bring up
00:47:04
I mean, my god, you got seven. When's it going to get serious? Woolworth has got a sale on a
00:47:09
When are you going to jump off Rya? What's going on? Uh, what do you tell him, Dana? Well, I would say try to get some help. I mean,
00:47:22
try to find somebody who can come by once in a while. Are any of them old enough to like help
00:47:28
with work, right? If it's seven, you probably have a 10year-old in there, 11 year old. Put
00:47:34
them to work. That's fine. 10 is working time. Yeah. The get the kids doing chores,
00:47:40
vacuuming, cleaning, making their bed, military discipline. Yeah. You get a short haircut, start doing push-ups
00:47:47
nightly, and marry your fiance. Yeah. At some point. I I would say maybe it's a money thing at this point. So maybe not. You're basically married. Listen, you're not going to get far.
00:47:58
I would say it's fun to do a little thing to us, but it's a little thing called Kickstarter.
00:48:05
I'll get a Kickstarter like a GoFundMe. Yeah. Or film it as a reality show. Call the what was it? Goslings or who was it? Kate plus eight was it?
00:48:18
Yeah. Yeah. Octoom. That's the best advice. Get a reality show. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. One more. We have time for one more question with horrible advice. Yeah. We Okay. Dana, when did you start
00:48:29
learning the drums? What inspired you to start? I'm amateur, but Gar is what made me start learning. Dave,
00:48:35
do you have David? Do you have any similar hidden talents playing instruments? Just one.
00:48:46
Thought we'd go the whole episode without it. The last second I got in. I could never not enjoy hearing that. I
00:48:52
love the trombone. What What was the question for you? Drums. Oh, they did it because of G. I think
00:48:57
that's cool. That is nice. I mean, uh, serious answer is like my brother and I were into the Beach Boys. I had a brother, you know, I was like six, he was eight at that
00:49:08
point. And uh we had a band called the surfers on crayons we wrote on the hamster. I would kick that. I had a
00:49:14
Hardy Boys book as my snare drum. I shoplifted sticks and we had he had a he bought a one string guitar at a garage sale for a dollar and he would play Louis Lou
00:49:29
and I was doing that. That's how I started and then then slap go to we stretched out a slinky and played
00:49:36
that. Okay, here's a fun fact for me and you could look it up. I played a drum solo as the church lady on SNL and because of the size of the kit and the
00:49:47
thing I was doing, that was a better drum solo for me than the drum solo I did in the movie as G. Because that was different size. Yeah, cuz the set was so big. Um, so
00:49:59
that look that up. Church lady plays the drums. Does your back hurt when you're on that little stool? I can never do it. And
00:50:05
then you're there. You have to lean over the whole time and you have to kick on the bottom with your feet. Well, you remember we had Bill Bill
00:50:12
Burr and we talked about drums, you know, for 35 minutes. Yeah, it's Yeah, I know. Which was fun. But yeah, it is it is about relaxation and
00:50:21
not try, you know, not trying to hit them. You just want to come with your wrists and but here we go.
00:50:27
[Music] I I can't hear myself, but that's what I would do. All right, we'll end on that one. That was great advice, whatever we say. And uh
00:50:41
thank you guys again and we'll see you next time. See you next week on another edition.
00:50:48
[Music] Hey guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us a review, fivestar rating, and maybe even
00:51:01
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00:51:06
We're on video now. Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey, an executive produced by Danny Carvey
00:51:12
and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Mattie Sprung Kaiser, and Leah Reese Dennis of Odyssey. Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweet
00:51:25
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00:51:34
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00:51:47
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