00:00:00
I I'm such a notorious mumbler. Last
00:00:03
night at the comedy store,
00:00:05
half the time they can't even hear me.
00:00:07
That's if a joke doesn't work. I think
00:00:09
they can't hear me. And then last night
00:00:12
I was getting a lot of like echo. And I
00:00:15
don't even know anything about mics even
00:00:16
to this point,
00:00:17
>> but I could tell something was off.
00:00:20
>> Well, I have the name for your next
00:00:22
special.
00:00:23
>> Go ahead.
00:00:24
>> The Mumbler.
00:00:25
>> Oh boy. Now that's what I'm playing in
00:00:27
the next Batman movie. Heather, can you
00:00:29
turn that one down now? This is my eye
00:00:31
that gets all Tom Cruz and squinchy like
00:00:33
this.
00:00:35
>> I know.
00:00:37
>> Uh, so Dana,
00:00:38
>> I have to talk to you about some things.
00:00:41
>> Okay.
00:00:41
>> Some real serious thing. Well, first of
00:00:43
all, I know I want I want to hear about
00:00:44
your trip. I just want to tell you that
00:00:46
>> it's not that exciting. Go ahead.
00:00:48
>> Well, nothing I'm going to say is
00:00:50
exciting.
00:00:50
>> That bus boys, I just saw a good piece
00:00:54
of news that there's a movie. So, first
00:00:57
of all, this is my funny take. There's a
00:00:59
place called box office mojo.com.
00:01:02
>> I go to it all the time and I checked it
00:01:04
last night to see how Bus Boys was
00:01:05
doing.
00:01:06
>> Oh, have you heard the story?
00:01:08
>> No, I I Bus Boys was a ghost. So, go
00:01:11
ahead.
00:01:11
>> Jumping ahead. So, um Sorry.
00:01:14
>> I go to Box Office Mojo all the way back
00:01:17
to like Grown-Ups all these other
00:01:18
movies.
00:01:18
>> Yeah, that's the go-to place. It
00:01:20
>> says every night what it made the night
00:01:22
before and like the top 40 or 50, you
00:01:24
know.
00:01:24
>> Yeah. So,
00:01:26
we're independent, right? So, it says,
00:01:29
it had some weird name, but now it's
00:01:30
called Bus Boys Holdings or whatever,
00:01:32
but it usually says like Disney,
00:01:34
Paramount,
00:01:35
>> whatever. You know what I mean?
00:01:36
>> Yeah.
00:01:37
>> A24
00:01:39
>> distributor, producer, whatever. So,
00:01:40
when we were eight that first weekend,
00:01:43
we were the only independent only
00:01:44
independent in the top 10. Fine.
00:01:46
>> So, the next week during the week, I did
00:01:49
some quick calculations in my head. I
00:01:52
go, we're going to be about sixth right
00:01:53
now. just during the week
00:01:55
>> and then by the time I get wamped by
00:01:58
Michael Jackson on the weekend and five
00:02:00
wide releases will be pushed down but
00:02:02
fine.
00:02:03
>> So Monday doesn't say anything. Tuesday
00:02:06
nothing. And I go are they going to make
00:02:07
us they're not putting it back on till
00:02:09
the weekend. So we have no idea what it
00:02:11
made all week. On the weekend nothing.
00:02:14
You know what? I think big movie got to
00:02:16
him. Like big pharma. Big movie. Oh wait
00:02:20
a minute. So what Oh okay. Okay. Big
00:02:23
movie. So basically what you're saying
00:02:25
is
00:02:26
>> Bus Boys was still in theaters incurring
00:02:30
revenue.
00:02:31
>> Yeah.
00:02:31
>> But Big Movie Mojo, whatever they are,
00:02:34
box office mojo box office mojo and
00:02:37
said, "Why are you putting It makes us
00:02:39
look a little weird.
00:02:41
>> They don't like indie films. You're off
00:02:43
the res. They want you in a big
00:02:45
corporate bubble." So I think Warner
00:02:46
Brothers made a ringy dingy. I think
00:02:48
Paramount made a ringy dingy.
00:02:50
>> Conspiracy theory going around. Yep.
00:02:52
They can't stop the people though. Let
00:02:53
me just put that out to you.
00:02:54
>> The people are
00:02:55
>> The people spoke.
00:02:57
>> Yeah.
00:02:58
>> $2,000 per theater with no advertising
00:03:02
first weekend. Go ahead.
00:03:03
>> Someone wrote in and said they'd only
00:03:05
made $2,000 per theater. That sucks. I
00:03:07
go, why don't you check the top 50?
00:03:09
Because I think the top three make
00:03:11
2,000. Anyway, we were in lower
00:03:13
theaters. But listen, it's it's not
00:03:15
changing the world. As I say, this is
00:03:17
the kind of movie that you watch on your
00:03:19
phone while you're driving.
00:03:22
It's not a real cinematic experience,
00:03:24
but it's fun, right?
00:03:25
>> Or if you're, in your case, if you're in
00:03:27
a bubble bath, you can just hold your
00:03:29
phone up and play with the duck with the
00:03:31
other hand. Go ahead.
00:03:32
>> Or hold it under the water. You can
00:03:33
still see it pretty good.
00:03:35
>> Yeah. You Yeah,
00:03:35
>> you don't have to hear it.
00:03:37
>> Or get the audio book version that is
00:03:39
already out. Bus Boys, you guys do a
00:03:42
great uh job of uh vocalizing the movie
00:03:44
and just put that in. Yeah.
00:03:46
>> And look at look at pictures of you and
00:03:48
Theo from the uh
00:03:49
>> But how about this? So listen, our movie
00:03:51
All In, we lied. It cost 37, not just
00:03:54
three, but that's cuz music was about
00:03:56
500.
00:03:57
>> Jesus, I can play a couple instruments
00:03:59
next time.
00:04:00
>> I know. We should have had you come in
00:04:01
there because, okay, it's a 37. So,
00:04:04
let's say it made another million during
00:04:05
the week, blah blah. But I just read
00:04:08
that this new movie,
00:04:10
it's called Desert Warrior. Heard about
00:04:13
it? I didn't think so.
00:04:15
>> Um, no. It made 480,000 Heather this
00:04:19
weekend.
00:04:21
>> Whoops.
00:04:21
>> Budget 150 million.
00:04:24
>> No, that's not possible. So say tell the
00:04:26
real story. That's very funny, David.
00:04:28
But what are the what are
00:04:30
>> in recent memory?
00:04:32
>> It's Ben Kingsley, Anthony Mackey, big
00:04:34
stars. It just something about it did
00:04:37
not work. Obviously something
00:04:38
>> Well, something didn't work. Well, let
00:04:40
me I've got to unpack this. They make
00:04:42
they make a movie for 150 million.
00:04:45
Normally they match that with
00:04:47
advertising another. So they're 300 deep
00:04:50
and their first weekend Ben Kingsley is
00:04:52
have popping champagne. They do 400,000.
00:04:56
So 100 one 900th of the box. I mean it's
00:05:00
there's flops and then there's flops.
00:05:02
>> That's how it shows you how rough it is
00:05:04
out there. So their per screen average
00:05:06
was about 12 bucks. I don't know what
00:05:09
>> I don't know what it was. But you know
00:05:11
what I'm saying is it's a brutal blood
00:05:13
bath.
00:05:14
>> That one I don't know what could have
00:05:16
happened other than just no awareness.
00:05:19
Now we didn't have advertising.
00:05:20
>> Well, I never heard of it.
00:05:22
>> What's the name of the Ben Kingsley one?
00:05:24
>> Desert Warrior.
00:05:26
>> Well, no, the real name cuz that's
00:05:27
ridiculous.
00:05:28
>> That's a good generic name.
00:05:30
>> That's like a guy with a gun or
00:05:35
>> desert craziness.
00:05:37
>> Tanks nearby.
00:05:39
>> Tanks and things. Yeah. Think of the
00:05:41
worst title that would never have a
00:05:43
human being buy a ticket at a centerlex.
00:05:44
It' be like
00:05:45
>> Desert Warrior. So generic. Yeah. You're
00:05:47
>> Yeah. You can't remember it already.
00:05:48
What is it? Warriors in the Desert.
00:05:50
>> Desert Warrior.
00:05:51
>> Desert Warrior.
00:05:53
Um Yeah. Sometimes Nail on the Head
00:05:55
doesn't get you box office.
00:05:58
>> You remember a funny part of cuz people
00:05:59
are saying our movie is like a little
00:06:02
too uh
00:06:03
>> what?
00:06:04
>> Just pushing jokes too far. But remember
00:06:07
when you go the opposite way and in Top
00:06:09
Gun Maverick, the funniest thing of the
00:06:11
whole movie, which I did like the movie.
00:06:13
>> Oh, I thought it was fantastic.
00:06:14
>> They were so scared to name a country
00:06:16
that they were fighting that would be
00:06:18
the bad guys. So they just kept calling
00:06:20
them the bad guys. They never once said
00:06:22
who it was.
00:06:23
>> Isn't that funny? Go bad guys are
00:06:25
coming. We got to fight the bad guys.
00:06:26
They showed dark planes, but no markings
00:06:29
on the plane. You go, who is it? Which
00:06:31
country? No. Nice try.
00:06:33
>> Come on, soldiers. Let's get out there
00:06:35
AND FIGHT THE BAD GUYS. WHO? THE BAD
00:06:39
GUYS, YOU IDIOTS.
00:06:40
>> JERKS.
00:06:41
>> By the way, here's a little fun fact.
00:06:44
>> Yeah.
00:06:45
>> Christopher Nolan, one of our great
00:06:46
directors,
00:06:47
>> Chris Nolan,
00:06:48
>> all time. Chris Chrissy.
00:06:50
>> Um, Don Kirk, brilliant World War II
00:06:53
film,
00:06:54
>> Inception.
00:06:55
>> They referred to the en they referred to
00:06:59
the enemy. They said the enemy. They
00:07:01
didn't say Nazis or Germans, which was
00:07:05
factual. They just said the enemy.
00:07:06
>> Well, the funny thing is like Wonder
00:07:08
Woman, there's there's some movies that
00:07:09
go back in time, which is smart
00:07:13
>> to
00:07:14
>> when the Nazis, the bad guys, because
00:07:16
everyone can go, "Okay, we'll give you
00:07:18
that one." But if it's present day, it's
00:07:21
hard to say,
00:07:22
>> "Oh, it's these guys. Oh, it's these
00:07:23
guys." And then they
00:07:25
>> Right. I mean, in in a lot of movies,
00:07:27
there's like um there was uh the rebels,
00:07:31
there was the Confederacy, and now Jets
00:07:34
and the
00:07:35
>> now it's called the Confettes. All
00:07:37
right, let's fight those confettes just
00:07:39
to kind of soften it. You've seen it.
00:07:41
It's on Amazon Prime, right?
00:07:42
>> It's called the fight of the confetti.
00:07:45
>> And when they get shot, they just
00:07:47
explodes confetti. There's no blood.
00:07:49
>> Yeah. I mean, you know, it's okay to
00:07:51
kind of modify things. You know,
00:07:53
historically, you don't want to say
00:07:55
Confederates, so you say the confettes.
00:07:57
And what would they call the Union
00:08:00
soldiers?
00:08:03
>> The firecrackers,
00:08:04
>> the unison's.
00:08:06
>> It's the unison's versus the confettes.
00:08:08
>> That's funny. What about in in Batman
00:08:11
and those movies that the most violent
00:08:13
movies that are PG-13 and you go these
00:08:16
are so violent for kids like more scary
00:08:18
violent but
00:08:19
>> they can't show I think blood exploding
00:08:23
out so you'll see people get shot and
00:08:26
sometimes they turn into smoke in like
00:08:28
the Avengers or something because they
00:08:30
can't show blood. So it's a good trick
00:08:32
of like they're dying
00:08:34
>> or they just go, "Oh, you got me."
00:08:36
>> Yeah. It's grabbing your stomach. You
00:08:38
got a squib there.
00:08:40
You know, look, I mean, there's PG-13
00:08:43
movies. I won't say which ones. In the
00:08:45
'9s
00:08:47
where the star is talking to two young,
00:08:49
attractive Asian women's and asks what
00:08:53
their names are. One says, "I'm sucky me
00:08:56
and I'm sucky you."
00:08:58
PG-13.
00:09:00
>> Porkies.
00:09:02
>> I won't name movies. I won't name names,
00:09:05
but I'm just saying that was the the
00:09:08
culture and era of that was
00:09:10
pre-political correctness. You could
00:09:12
pretty much say whatever you want.
00:09:14
>> There's a joke a comedian did about
00:09:16
watching the credits for Hawaii 5. This
00:09:18
is a long setup.
00:09:19
>> Oh, but he goes, "You ever seen the
00:09:22
credits?" Like Kang Fun as Fun Kang. Why
00:09:25
are we changing the names? Just say
00:09:29
Just use the guy's real name. Ping pow
00:09:32
as pa ping.
00:09:33
>> Ping pong as the pingpong player.
00:09:36
>> Yeah.
00:09:37
>> All right, let's hear about your trip.
00:09:38
I've had enough of my stupid movie.
00:09:41
>> I like the I love talking about movies
00:09:42
and box. But let me just for the
00:09:45
audience contextually. This was the
00:09:47
little engine that could. It's just
00:09:49
doing its theatrical release. Its first
00:09:51
weekend did great. it's trundling around
00:09:54
and then it'll be on live streaming
00:09:58
thing and
00:09:58
>> you'll be able to type it in and say
00:10:00
where can I buy this or rent it. It'll
00:10:02
be that'll be probably June 1st but
00:10:04
we'll believe me we'll blab about it
00:10:05
then.
00:10:06
>> Little bit of advice just [ __ ] buy
00:10:07
it. It's the kind of movie you're going
00:10:09
to want to see over and over again. Your
00:10:11
friends are coming in from Canada. What
00:10:12
do you got? Eh,
00:10:14
>> you want something funny? We got Bus
00:10:15
Boys. So buy it. Anyway, I was in New
00:10:18
Orleans.
00:10:19
>> Newland. I was in Nalins. Yens
00:10:22
>> they instead of saying where you at or
00:10:24
where you from, they say yeah.
00:10:27
>> I'm not kidding. Yeah.
00:10:29
>> Cab. Yeah. Cab driver yet. Uh we flew in
00:10:32
from LA. Oh, that way you at?
00:10:35
>> That was a little
00:10:36
>> That's a tough accent, huh? Can you
00:10:37
master New Orleans?
00:10:39
>> Well, jumping ahead a little bit. So I
00:10:42
was at the airport and I wanted a little
00:10:44
pop before I got on the plane cuz me no
00:10:47
likey eight miles in the air and a tube
00:10:49
with two guys up front going.
00:10:52
>> So the all the bars are packed cuz it's
00:10:54
an afternoon fly like could I you know
00:10:58
>> and then I'm like okay [ __ ] it. So I
00:11:00
wander around the other side of the
00:11:01
terminal
00:11:02
>> in the middle of nowhere with no nobody
00:11:04
around was this little tiny bar with
00:11:06
this very large Nons man.
00:11:10
>> No. And he was so sweet and sanguin. Do
00:11:14
you know what the
00:11:15
>> sanguan
00:11:16
>> sang?
00:11:18
>> I don't know what it means. I've heard
00:11:19
it.
00:11:19
>> But you know, it's kind of like, so,
00:11:21
hey, how are you? You know, I'm I'm
00:11:23
doing okay. I'm doing pretty good. You
00:11:26
know, I mean, gentleman before you, he
00:11:29
wanted to bring some food on the
00:11:31
airplane. You know, I said I wouldn't
00:11:33
bring a poboy with shrimp and hot sauce
00:11:36
cuz that can get a little loud.
00:11:39
>> I mean, stinky.
00:11:40
>> Yeah. But he said loud.
00:11:42
>> No, I like that. Yeah.
00:11:43
>> I I live in a small one-bedroom
00:11:45
apartment I like very much. And this
00:11:47
Yorkie dog came available and I said I
00:11:50
Oh, I want that. I want that Yorkie. But
00:11:53
she was scared of me for about a month.
00:11:54
She just sat in a little bed looking
00:11:56
like that. Now when I get home and I put
00:11:59
the key in the door, I hear her
00:12:01
whimpering with joy. That that's kind of
00:12:03
nice,
00:12:05
>> you know. I mean, um, what else he say?
00:12:09
So then
00:12:09
>> like a box of chocolates.
00:12:11
>> So then we get
00:12:13
>> I know it's it's in in that area. Have a
00:12:16
good time. I could get you the plastic
00:12:19
cups on top. And yeah, it's in the
00:12:21
general area. I got I got land in
00:12:23
Mississippi. So after I'm finished here,
00:12:25
I'm going to build this house. I did
00:12:27
have a a job where I was managing
00:12:29
people, but it wasn't good for my brain.
00:12:31
So then the thing is we get on the plane
00:12:35
in Nandins where we at
00:12:38
>> and we find out the toilet is broken in
00:12:42
the pointy part of the airplane.
00:12:43
>> Oh
00:12:44
>> the guy comes on sounds just like the
00:12:46
bartender. So we got understand that
00:12:49
Lavatory is out of order up here but we
00:12:52
still got one on the back. So, it's 160
00:12:54
people for five hours and it was kind of
00:12:58
weird because the plan you start going
00:13:00
back there, man, and it's all pitch
00:13:02
black and everyone's like this and no
00:13:03
one's talking. It's and they're all
00:13:05
frozen. Feel like in a science fiction
00:13:07
movie. Then you have to stand in the
00:13:09
aisle for like 20 minutes. What's up?
00:13:11
>> How you doing?
00:13:11
>> How you doing, T? So, you're uh waiting
00:13:14
to take a [ __ ]
00:13:16
>> Hey, number one or number two?
00:13:18
>> You're leaning against the guys. They're
00:13:20
like reading a magazine. You're like,
00:13:21
>> "Oh, yeah. My thigh is on on this guy's
00:13:24
shoulder and my hands in another guy's
00:13:26
mouth. He's I'm like the aisle is like
00:13:30
this.
00:13:30
>> Those aisles are getting skinnier. You
00:13:32
have to die. You can't just walk. You
00:13:33
have to kind of cuz everyone's got their
00:13:35
elbow, their knee out, their foot. So I
00:13:38
go back there second time. 5 hour
00:13:41
flight. Why not? That all happens
00:13:43
earlier in the day. We I'll put a memo
00:13:45
out later. I got this. I got
00:13:47
>> You got that? So then they bring the
00:13:49
beverage cart down and it's halfway
00:13:51
down. It weighs a ton. So I I guess I'm
00:13:54
trapped. So I just sort of stand in the
00:13:56
aisle for about 20 minutes.
00:14:00
Oh,
00:14:02
I thought you were bored with my story
00:14:05
and you were set in a trap.
00:14:07
>> Oh, yeah. Go ahead.
00:14:08
>> Okay, so a couple more. So Jazz Fest is
00:14:10
there was the weekend big time Jazzfest
00:14:13
thing.
00:14:14
>> But I saw that some of the entertainers
00:14:16
playing at the racetrack were pop stars.
00:14:18
So they had Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood M.
00:14:21
>> Really?
00:14:22
>> Yes. In Jazzfest.
00:14:26
So I went over there. I said, I wondered
00:14:28
if they had to kind of stylize their
00:14:30
songs in a jazzy way. I wasn't sure. So
00:14:32
Paula in the racetrack and we're just
00:14:34
looking. She comes out and she's like,
00:14:38
um, now there you go again.
00:14:43
You say you want your freedom.
00:14:46
>> Oh, jazzing it up. But who am I I I
00:14:52
to keep you down down.
00:14:59
So I thought it was amazing. Then the
00:15:01
Eagles came on. Well,
00:15:05
>> go ahead.
00:15:09
Wait a give me a second.
00:15:12
Change gears. Welcome.
00:15:17
Welcome
00:15:19
to the to the to the hotel.
00:15:24
I got a phone. And I looked out at the
00:15:26
crowd and they had left.
00:15:30
There was nobody there.
00:15:33
Dana, have you ever caught yourself
00:15:35
mid-sentence and think, "Wow, maybe I
00:15:37
shouldn't have had that extra coffee
00:15:39
this morning."
00:15:40
>> Mhm.
00:15:40
>> Yeah, you have.
00:15:42
>> Yeah,
00:15:42
>> I have, too. But by the time I realized
00:15:44
my flossing game was more of an optional
00:15:46
hobby than a routine habit, it's funny
00:15:48
how little things in your mouth can make
00:15:49
a big difference in how you feel about
00:15:51
yourself. And that's exactly why I love
00:15:54
what Smile Generation does. They're a
00:15:56
community of trusted dental
00:15:58
professionals who help people understand
00:16:00
the connection between oral health and
00:16:02
overall health. Because what happens in
00:16:03
your mouth doesn't just stay there. It
00:16:06
affects your heart, your brain, and your
00:16:08
overall well-being. Oral health issues
00:16:11
have even been linked to long-term
00:16:13
conditions like heart disease, diabetes,
00:16:15
and Alzheimer's. So,
00:16:17
>> caring for your smile really is caring
00:16:19
for your whole self. And there's a
00:16:22
special confidence that comes from being
00:16:23
proactive. Regular exams and screenings
00:16:26
can catch potential concerns early,
00:16:28
sometimes before you even notice
00:16:31
symptoms.
00:16:32
>> Yeah. To learn more about the connection
00:16:34
between oral health and overall health,
00:16:36
visit smilegeneration.comfly.
00:16:40
That's smilegeneration.comfly
00:16:43
to learn more about the mouthbody
00:16:45
connection and find a trusted provider
00:16:48
near you. Wait, that h that happened at
00:16:50
stage coach because you know LA does
00:16:52
Coachella Coachella which is like Bieber
00:16:55
and Billy all
00:16:56
>> and then
00:16:58
>> and then stage coach is pure country. So
00:17:00
that's the third weekend. So now it's
00:17:03
turned into some rockers, some rappers,
00:17:06
and you just it all turns into like
00:17:08
>> just have a music festival because they
00:17:10
don't stick to the theme and then it's
00:17:12
like, "Okay, well this person's famous.
00:17:14
Throw them in there." Blah, blah.
00:17:15
>> They Yeah,
00:17:17
>> it gets blurry like
00:17:18
>> it gets a little blurry. Jazz Fest. Are
00:17:20
there any actual jazz players?
00:17:23
>> I guess they're adapting like Stevie
00:17:25
Nicks if they go there, they're sort of
00:17:27
tweaking it a bit if that's what you're
00:17:28
saying. which
00:17:29
>> yeah, Stevie probably was just There you
00:17:31
go again. You want some freedom?
00:17:41
>> I thought it was great. So anyway, I
00:17:43
love Stevie Nicks. I hung out.
00:17:45
>> You were there for Jazz Fest though,
00:17:46
were you?
00:17:48
>> No, I happened to be there.
00:17:51
>> That's great.
00:17:52
It was the uh Zurich company, insurance
00:17:56
company, fostering a big golf tournament
00:17:59
that was on television.
00:18:00
>> Okay.
00:18:01
>> And then also the Jazz Fest. But Paul
00:18:03
and I, we toolled around. We went, we're
00:18:06
on the big red bus that went all around
00:18:08
New Orleans, you know, to the right is,
00:18:12
you know, that kind of thing.
00:18:14
>> And then we go, "Oh, there's a tour of
00:18:17
these beautiful old houses the next
00:18:18
stop." So we got off the bus. No one
00:18:20
else got off. So, it was just Paul and I
00:18:23
and a really nice guy named Colin, but
00:18:28
he sounded like George Carlin. And he's
00:18:30
walking us through all these or Orlando
00:18:32
houses.
00:18:33
>> Yeah. This house came here about 1850.
00:18:37
The Creole built most of it, but they
00:18:39
didn't want anybody to know that.
00:18:42
>> The guy doing the tours. That him.
00:18:44
>> Yeah, that's him. Yeah. And then up
00:18:46
here, there's those lights lighted off.
00:18:48
And that keeps the voodoo magic away.
00:18:51
You know why? Cuz nobody likes voodoo in
00:18:54
their house. And it was like an hour and
00:18:56
a half of that.
00:18:57
>> The voodoo that you do. Yeah. I I I do
00:19:02
get scared of that stuff. When I was in
00:19:04
>> N
00:19:06
Yeah. N Oh, yeah. We did a movie there
00:19:08
and I said to I was in a pretty decent
00:19:10
hotel and I go, "Oh, there's a um" I go,
00:19:15
"Where can I go eat?" I go, "Oh, there's
00:19:16
McDonald's across the street." He goes,
00:19:18
"You know what? This is a pretty good
00:19:19
neighborhood. I wouldn't go out to the
00:19:21
right." And I go, "To the right of the
00:19:24
hotel." He goes, "Just go to the left."
00:19:26
I go, "There's a McDonald's on that
00:19:28
corner. It's not even 100 yards." He
00:19:29
goes, "Don't go to that one." He goes,
00:19:31
"There's one down there."
00:19:33
>> And so from then on, I never walked to
00:19:35
the right, even in the daytime. and he
00:19:37
said, "No, I I wouldn't do it." I'm
00:19:38
like, "So that is a bad neighborhood."
00:19:40
No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:19:42
>> It's uh Yeah, there is that. I mean, out
00:19:45
on the sidewalk there was a kind of a
00:19:47
cool woman dancing with chakras
00:19:52
on you,
00:19:55
you know. And then u we go up into our
00:19:57
room and this is no joke. I'm not
00:19:59
getting around here. My none of my stuff
00:20:01
works. The laptop, the phone, just what?
00:20:05
And then Paula's phone, brand new, just
00:20:08
goes to weird, spooky,
00:20:11
uh, like wispy dial tone type stuff,
00:20:14
like noise, like white noise. And we
00:20:17
open the window.
00:20:20
>> So, we went to an Apple store that
00:20:23
wasn't an Apple store. It was an Apple,
00:20:24
it was a place that fixed phones,
00:20:27
>> you know, it had little bells on the
00:20:29
door and it was really tiny.
00:20:31
>> Yeah. But they were able to fix it. They
00:20:33
just picked it up and went, "Oh, voodoo.
00:20:35
>> We know how to do this."
00:20:37
>> Yeah, it's been hexed. And so they put
00:20:38
it in a machine and it said anti voodoo
00:20:41
hex machine, which was like the old
00:20:43
Batman TV show. Press the button. Ding.
00:20:46
Then it was fine.
00:20:47
>> I like going in those and they go,
00:20:49
"We're just going to plug it in here and
00:20:50
slurp out all your information and we'll
00:20:52
give it back." Okay.
00:20:56
Yeah. I should have been warned because
00:20:58
um my doctor's nurse when I told her I
00:21:01
was going to New Orleans, she said, "Oh,
00:21:03
>> there she comes."
00:21:04
>> Oh no.
00:21:07
>> Me and Heather are already laughing.
00:21:09
>> Oh, you're going to New Orleans. I'm
00:21:13
going to have to talk to the doctor.
00:21:16
>> Why?
00:21:17
>> Yeah.
00:21:18
>> Cuz of the voodoo.
00:21:20
>> Oh,
00:21:21
he can put a screen on you.
00:21:26
Make sure you bring an extra iPhone.
00:21:30
>> It doesn't work when the voodoo hits.
00:21:32
>> Oh, I'm going to have to talk to David
00:21:35
Spade.
00:21:36
>> Why?
00:21:37
>> Why? I don't know. We both say why.
00:21:42
I like being the other guy against the
00:21:44
the secretary. I'm I'm the one for
00:21:47
Heather.
00:21:49
>> For Heather. I told Dane on the break, I
00:21:51
go, "If we're ever stuck, all I want to
00:21:53
do is just say, "What's the doctor's
00:21:55
secretary up to?" And then he just
00:21:56
couldn't go into it.
00:21:58
>> Well, by the way, uh she's a incredibly
00:22:01
sweet person. She almost came to our gig
00:22:05
up in Lincoln,
00:22:06
>> but it was just a Friday.
00:22:08
>> I couldn't get a chance to ask the
00:22:11
doctor.
00:22:12
>> There's too much traffic. I talked to
00:22:14
the doctor. He thought it was too far to
00:22:18
drive on a Friday night. So maybe she'll
00:22:21
be at our next gig in Saratoga
00:22:24
>> on June beep beep
00:22:26
>> or our gig
00:22:29
>> this week
00:22:31
>> comedy festival
00:22:33
Oreium Theater.
00:22:35
>> Oh,
00:22:36
>> Wednesday night. That's Wednesday. Two
00:22:39
days
00:22:40
>> at 6:00 PM. So you can go to the show,
00:22:44
have a couple pops, go to the show, and
00:22:45
then eat dinner and afterwards. 6 p.m.
00:22:48
show Dana and I grill Chris Rock about
00:22:52
whatever we want.
00:22:53
>> Yeah. We just said we wanted probably we
00:22:56
want one of the best comedians of of the
00:22:58
last 30 years and we put it in an AI and
00:23:02
it came up Chris Rock. So we call up
00:23:04
Chris.
00:23:06
It's time for my nourishment and
00:23:09
nutrition.
00:23:11
>> Why are you suddenly a robot?
00:23:14
>> Drinking vitamins.
00:23:17
>> What's your blood work look like when
00:23:19
you do a lab?
00:23:22
>> My labs come out pretty good, by the
00:23:23
way.
00:23:24
>> Green. All green or some big
00:23:26
>> Everyone's shocked. The guy doesn't
00:23:27
allow me to look at them. He goes like
00:23:29
this.
00:23:32
Okay.
00:23:35
Mhm. Don't love that. I go, "Well,
00:23:40
>> yeah, it's really the honor system. I
00:23:42
have to trust him." Oh, here's
00:23:43
something. Oh, not to get you off, but
00:23:45
>> Well, I wanted to do impression of your
00:23:47
doctor.
00:23:48
>> Of my doctor?
00:23:49
>> Yeah. Um,
00:23:52
>> okay. Good.
00:23:53
>> No reason to bring that up. Okay. Okay.
00:23:56
>> Huh. Just, you know, enjoy your life.
00:24:01
Okay. Go ahead.
00:24:03
>> Okay. Okay, let me see.
00:24:05
Viagra, that's an easy fix.
00:24:10
Okay.
00:24:12
Do you um do you have trouble lifting up
00:24:15
uh Avian bottles? I do
00:24:19
use your legs.
00:24:21
>> How many times do you get up in the
00:24:23
night to go to the bathroom?
00:24:26
>> 30.
00:24:26
>> This says here it would be 300. Is that
00:24:29
possible?
00:24:31
Kevin Nean, who's going to be on next
00:24:33
week.
00:24:33
>> Kevin Neon,
00:24:35
>> he says he sleeps in the bathroom and
00:24:37
gets up to just go back and lay down,
00:24:40
sleep, and come back to the bathroom.
00:24:43
So now he goes bathroom more than he
00:24:44
sleeps.
00:24:45
>> Okay,
00:24:47
we'll ask. We're going to unpack that
00:24:48
when he's on the show. We're going to
00:24:50
unpack it. All right. What are you
00:24:51
looking at? I was saying that there was
00:24:54
that uh mishap with uh that President
00:24:58
Trump had and the my angle on it is not
00:25:02
really the whole situation. It was that
00:25:04
I just picture every school going, "Do
00:25:07
you have your manifesto ready? Uh
00:25:09
they're due this weekend.
00:25:11
>> Everyone has a [ __ ] manifesto." I'm
00:25:13
like, "I don't have one. Do I should I
00:25:15
have one just in case anything happens
00:25:17
to me?"
00:25:18
>> How How do you define a manifesto? I
00:25:20
mean, it is a funny word.
00:25:21
>> It's a cool name. We all Yeah.
00:25:23
>> Yeah. Mine's a pamphlet right now. The
00:25:25
first time I heard manifesto, it's like
00:25:27
a phone book, right? It's I think it was
00:25:29
Ted Kazinski, maybe.
00:25:30
>> Yeah. Yeah.
00:25:31
>> Uh, not think of news of Tim Kazarinski.
00:25:35
>> But that was the Uni Bomber, was it?
00:25:37
>> Yeah. Yeah, the uni bomber wrote a
00:25:39
manifesto which basically I think was
00:25:41
sort of like reorientating being
00:25:43
critical of the way society is organized
00:25:46
and humanity is going about its business
00:25:48
and here's a better way to do it. It's a
00:25:50
manifesto like a call to arms.
00:25:53
>> If we could implement this immediately,
00:25:55
I will stop bombing people.
00:25:57
>> Right? I live in a cabin and I make
00:25:59
homemade bombs, but I think I got the
00:26:01
brain pan to figure out what to do with
00:26:04
society. It's funny because sometimes
00:26:05
those people are very smart, but it's
00:26:08
they're socially awkward.
00:26:11
>> They're on the spectrum is what people
00:26:14
say. Now,
00:26:14
>> here's another thing I say about these
00:26:15
people that are out there killing
00:26:17
people. It I I know mental illnesses,
00:26:20
we've talked about this. It's very
00:26:21
serious.
00:26:22
>> We've talked about it, but there's a
00:26:24
certain point where you go, "Oh, this
00:26:27
person got off because they're they're
00:26:31
they say they're insane. They can't they
00:26:32
don't know what they're doing." Well, I
00:26:34
think if you're a serial killer, no
00:26:37
one's defending them. They're in. I
00:26:38
mean, they don't know. They know
00:26:40
something's wrong with them, right?
00:26:41
>> Getting a machine gun and shooting down
00:26:43
into traffic is by definitional
00:26:46
mentally.
00:26:47
>> Planning a killing every week for some
00:26:49
women and you're like John Wayne Gay or
00:26:51
one of these guys or you're the BTK
00:26:53
killer. So, you're not you're not
00:26:55
mentally
00:26:57
>> you could say argue they're not fit to
00:26:59
stand trial. They don't understand s
00:27:01
that's not someone that gets it out
00:27:04
there how you're supposed to deal in the
00:27:05
world,
00:27:05
>> right? That's
00:27:06
>> it's conveniently used sometimes to get
00:27:08
people off and sometimes
00:27:11
you just say, well, if they're me that
00:27:13
mentally I don't let's say they don't go
00:27:14
to jail, you know, put them in a rubber
00:27:16
room somewhere, but don't get them on
00:27:18
the streets again. That's my only
00:27:19
argument.
00:27:20
>> If I was on trial for something like
00:27:21
that, I would just say, look, before we
00:27:24
start this whole proceeding, I feel
00:27:26
terrible. Number one. Number two, I'll
00:27:29
never do it again. So, I think we're
00:27:32
ready to go. Let's save the taxpayers
00:27:33
some money. What do you say?
00:27:35
>> Yeah, I'm ready myself and my own
00:27:39
recognizant.
00:27:41
>> I'm sorry and I'll never do it again.
00:27:43
So, bye-bye.
00:27:45
>> Right.
00:27:45
>> And when these horrible things happen,
00:27:46
they go, "Oh, they but they're just not
00:27:48
on their medication right now." Well,
00:27:50
when will they be? Because if they're
00:27:51
not if they're going to go stab someone,
00:27:53
not make that's not our fault. If
00:27:56
they're not on you, it's just such a
00:27:58
complicated issue,
00:27:59
>> right? Because off their meds, they got
00:28:00
to get the meds and then they stab the
00:28:02
pharmacist.
00:28:03
>> They have
00:28:03
>> and then they can't get their meds.
00:28:07
They took away the source.
00:28:08
>> That's the real worst case scenario.
00:28:10
That's where the system breaks down.
00:28:12
>> Yeah. He's all just get his meds and
00:28:14
we'll throw the knife away. But
00:28:16
>> stab you should have taken one first.
00:28:20
>> All right. That's all I have to say. I
00:28:21
like the word manifesto because it comes
00:28:23
up a lot.
00:28:24
>> I know. And I agree. And I've um I've
00:28:26
been working on one.
00:28:27
>> You should have something. That's it.
00:28:29
That's all it is. Your manifesto.
00:28:31
>> Oh, it's up there.
00:28:36
Cocky Whistler guy.
00:28:40
>> I have a Hollywood story. After your
00:28:43
next story,
00:28:44
>> let me tell you what I thought that last
00:28:46
story is about. This is This is
00:28:47
something I
00:28:49
That means when something is shaky.
00:28:53
>> Yeah.
00:28:53
>> Yeah.
00:28:54
You can do it. Let me see you do it.
00:28:59
>> Good.
00:29:01
>> Can you do an octopus going across your
00:29:03
screen?
00:29:04
>> Probably not.
00:29:08
That's just visual. Don't we get a
00:29:10
little I could do that but with better.
00:29:15
Well, that's pretty good. I got to wear
00:29:18
the cameras.
00:29:25
See, they slurp up some. They They go
00:29:27
backwards because of
00:29:29
>> Here's an impression of you eating clams
00:29:31
at a restaurant.
00:29:32
Finally.
00:29:44
Here's me when I'm Here's me when I'm
00:29:46
about to have sex. the girl. We're
00:29:48
jumping over here and she's naked and
00:29:51
I'm naked. I walk up and I go, "Any
00:29:54
allergies?"
00:29:56
Okay.
00:29:58
>> Any allergies I need to know about?
00:30:00
That's what the waiter said.
00:30:01
>> Here's you postcoidal with a robe on
00:30:04
turning away from the fireplace to the
00:30:06
bed where the woman is.
00:30:07
>> Yeah.
00:30:10
I give that after sex the slow clap.
00:30:13
>> The sarcastic clap.
00:30:18
Mhm. I go, "We're done here.
00:30:22
>> You accept any of my premises."
00:30:23
>> Here's here's Dana.
00:30:26
Here's Dana after he takes the number
00:30:28
two. And he gets up and looks down at it
00:30:30
and he goes, "This isn't over.
00:30:35
Here's you. You're about to be on
00:30:37
Artemis, the next one that goes around
00:30:38
the moon." And you're in your spacuit
00:30:40
and you're right at the door and you
00:30:42
take your hat or your thing off. Go.
00:30:45
Yeah. Not today. Okay.
00:30:48
That's it.
00:30:49
>> That's it. Not today.
00:30:51
>> Here's here's you when you're an Artemis
00:30:53
going around the moon.
00:30:55
>> Now it's an Artemis theme.
00:30:56
>> Yeah. You go. Uh, which is the one that
00:31:00
doesn't work?
00:31:01
>> Cuz there's already a line for the one
00:31:03
in the back and there's only three of
00:31:05
us. So, where's which is the pooper that
00:31:07
works?
00:31:08
>> Because going down the dark side of the
00:31:10
moon scares me a little bit and I get
00:31:11
nervous and I [ __ ]
00:31:13
Well, everything ends with no that
00:31:17
people have religious experiences on the
00:31:19
dark side of the moon. The guy was up
00:31:20
there on Artemis, which by the way,
00:31:23
Trump has already named the next ones to
00:31:24
be called epic Artemis.
00:31:26
>> I know it's called Trumpopotamus.
00:31:30
>> Trumpy,
00:31:31
>> why did he put his name in it if he's
00:31:32
renaming it?
00:31:33
>> He put his name in Earth. There's a
00:31:35
movement to change the name of Earth
00:31:37
just to trurf.
00:31:39
>> Trump Town.
00:31:40
>> Trump Town. But uh yeah, people get
00:31:43
religious out there when they see the
00:31:44
sun and sound. They get kind of So the
00:31:47
guy came in the splashdown, got on the
00:31:49
ship and talked to the chaplain. He
00:31:50
goes, "Is there a chaplain here? There's
00:31:52
always a chaplain on a ship." Because he
00:31:54
was so moved by that. He kind of got the
00:31:57
idea of, you know, just go planet all
00:32:00
alone. Why can't we get along?
00:32:02
>> Did he see all the buildings on the dark
00:32:03
side of the movies moon? All the UFOs
00:32:05
and when they go inside the moon?
00:32:08
>> No. But he did see a small figure with
00:32:10
little weird binoculars.
00:32:13
>> It was me.
00:32:16
>> Yes.
00:32:18
>> Instead of pumping bus boys, you stowed
00:32:21
away on Artemis 2 and parachuted it down
00:32:25
to the lunar surface so you could harass
00:32:26
the astronauts.
00:32:28
>> I'm going to tell everyone a shot
00:32:30
something about Hollywood that they
00:32:31
don't always know that I think Dana kind
00:32:33
of knows.
00:32:34
>> I mean, you sort of get it. You don't
00:32:36
really get it,
00:32:38
>> but you want to get it.
00:32:40
>> My hair gets it.
00:32:42
>> You get it. Uh, Simone Biles came out. I
00:32:46
thought it was good she said this.
00:32:47
>> The gymnast. The genius gymnast.
00:32:50
>> The gymnast. Of course, I have no
00:32:52
information on the story and it's a
00:32:54
total lie, but I'm continuing.
00:32:56
>> Uh, she went to a,
00:32:59
>> let's say, a premiere,
00:33:01
>> a Met Gal something. I I think the Met
00:33:04
Gala would be a little bit of a cheat. I
00:33:05
think it's just a regular
00:33:07
>> big red carpet appearance.
00:33:09
>> Okay.
00:33:10
>> And she said,
00:33:11
>> "You know what, guys? I want to stay
00:33:13
home from now on because
00:33:15
>> all in to doll me up
00:33:18
23,000
00:33:20
for the Glam Squad. Heather believes it.
00:33:22
I believe it. I used to know this uh
00:33:25
young lady that worked for Leno and she
00:33:27
said, "Glam is getting so expensive that
00:33:31
we had one really famous female just ask
00:33:36
for 20 grand for glam."
00:33:38
>> So you do the show and you get like $800
00:33:40
>> to be on a talk show.
00:33:41
>> Yeah.
00:33:42
>> Will you cover my glam? It's 20. That's
00:33:46
>> outfit, stylist, hair, makeup,
00:33:49
>> steam,
00:33:50
>> nails, I don't know what, you know, to
00:33:53
get ready for one. Nikki Glazer would be
00:33:55
a good one to ask cuz she's going to a
00:33:56
lot of stuff lately. We should have her
00:33:58
on again anyway, but uh
00:34:01
>> Oh, I'd love to have I'd love to have
00:34:02
Nick back on.
00:34:03
>> She knows about it. So, is that crazy? I
00:34:05
think the regular average person. So
00:34:08
Simone's basic point was like I can't
00:34:10
keep going to these and parts of it are
00:34:13
right off I'm sure but you still have to
00:34:15
pay it. It's too much.
00:34:18
>> It's too much. But I'll tell you that
00:34:20
seems inexpensive and I'll tell you why.
00:34:22
>> Okay.
00:34:23
>> Uh when Jay Leno was still doing the
00:34:26
Tonight Show,
00:34:27
>> Kim Kardashian
00:34:29
was on the show and afterwards Jay Jay
00:34:32
didn't say it in a snarky way. said,
00:34:34
"Yeah, it was 17,000
00:34:36
to she looked every penny of it."
00:34:39
>> Yeah. So, I bet it's more.
00:34:42
>> This reminds me of I played a birthday
00:34:45
party on the break and I'm like, "What
00:34:47
is this guy's birthday wish to watch me
00:34:49
come bomb in front of his friends?"
00:34:50
Anyway, so I said, "You look good for he
00:34:55
was 60." And I said, "You know what? You
00:34:57
know what you don't want to hear from
00:34:58
people? They talk about someone, they
00:35:01
go, "He's 60 and he looks every bit of
00:35:04
60." The rudest. That means every day is
00:35:07
accounted for. There's a little wear and
00:35:09
tear every [ __ ] day. They don't go,
00:35:12
"You look 50." Every bit of it.
00:35:15
>> Yeah.
00:35:16
>> You ever heard that?
00:35:17
>> Oh, yeah. Every bit of it.
00:35:19
>> It's so rude.
00:35:21
>> Yeah.
00:35:22
>> A rude way to say it.
00:35:23
>> Hey, you look good for your age.
00:35:27
>> Listen,
00:35:27
>> I go hide that. Guess what actor never
00:35:30
wore makeup? Speaking of $17,000
00:35:33
on television or in film ever?
00:35:36
>> Nope. Rob. Rob Redford.
00:35:39
>> Someone I worked with long time ago.
00:35:41
>> Mickey Rooney.
00:35:42
>> Yes. No way.
00:35:43
>> Mickey Rooney.
00:35:44
>> Mickey Rooney again.
00:35:45
>> Never wore makeup. You know why I don't
00:35:47
wear makeup? Cuz makeup is for girls.
00:35:51
>> And had some logic to it.
00:35:53
>> Yeah. Back then it was for sure for
00:35:55
girls.
00:35:56
>> You know who wore makeup?
00:35:59
Judy Garland.
00:36:01
I guess all the actresses do.
00:36:03
>> Uh,
00:36:04
>> you know who needs to wear makeup? David
00:36:05
Spade. You know what people don't
00:36:07
realize the when they say we look like
00:36:09
[ __ ] in the comments, I shield you from
00:36:11
this, Dana. I shield you.
00:36:12
>> I I'm pouring over the comments during
00:36:15
this. It's It's I read a lot. It's like
00:36:17
a live stream.
00:36:18
>> My live feed. Yeah. I just It's a lot of
00:36:21
>> We don't wear makeup and they say,
00:36:23
>> "Oh, you look rough. More makeup." I'm
00:36:25
like, "We don't have any makeup.
00:36:28
Well, we we have I have ring lights,
00:36:31
man. Better than makeup. They call me
00:36:33
Ringo Star. I walk around with a ring
00:36:34
light everywhere.
00:36:35
>> Oh, remember Ringo? Remember when we
00:36:37
interviewed Ringo?
00:36:38
>> A He's our friend.
00:36:39
>> I know. He's Day in July. Uh we maybe we
00:36:42
could get to some stories. What do you
00:36:44
think of that?
00:36:45
>> Well, yeah. And whenever you want me to
00:36:46
do uh
00:36:47
>> Oh, buzzing around. You want to do it?
00:36:49
You ready for it?
00:36:50
>> Well, might as well get it out of the
00:36:51
way. Now it's time for Buzzing Around
00:36:55
sponsored by 5Hour Energy. With a wide
00:36:58
variety of bold flavors to choose from.
00:37:00
>> That's right.
00:37:01
>> You can get as much caffeine as a 12 oz
00:37:03
premium cup of coffee, but with zero
00:37:05
sugar and zero sugar crash.
00:37:10
>> That sounds like buzzing. Find five
00:37:12
energy shots online at five energy.com
00:37:15
or Amazon today. So Dana Carvey right
00:37:18
here, master
00:37:21
>> of voices
00:37:22
>> of of something.
00:37:23
>> When I figure it out, I'll let you know.
00:37:25
>> He's going to give us a scenario.
00:37:27
>> Okay, we we talked a little earlier and
00:37:29
we're going to have a little scenario
00:37:31
here.
00:37:32
>> This is a little sketch. I have a couple
00:37:34
cliff notes, but it is not written out,
00:37:36
so it might be a bit sloppy.
00:37:38
>> No, they're very messy, which I like.
00:37:41
>> Yes. So, here's the premise. in the
00:37:43
future
00:37:44
cuz AI is going to take over and we're
00:37:46
going to have robots, right?
00:37:48
>> The LA and robots in the house and
00:37:50
housekeepers and gardener all that.
00:37:51
>> Good evening, Mr.
00:37:53
>> Last thing will be an AI robot comedian
00:37:56
and they will make those and they will
00:37:58
base them on iconic comedians. So, and
00:38:02
sooner or later, sooner or later, these
00:38:06
AI cyborg comedian robots
00:38:10
will screw up.
00:38:13
Order.
00:38:17
Order in the court.
00:38:18
>> We're going right into it.
00:38:20
>> Yeah.
00:38:20
>> Okay. J1000,
00:38:24
you're accused of murdering 300 patrons
00:38:27
at the laugh stop in Hermosa Beach on
00:38:30
November 7th. How do you plead? Oh, you
00:38:33
know, guilty, of course. I am guilty.
00:38:37
You're guilt you you freely admit your
00:38:39
guilt. Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course. You
00:38:42
would you care to explain yourself? It's
00:38:45
actually very simple, you know. So, so I
00:38:47
was there in the green room, you know,
00:38:49
and um you know, basically uh my handler
00:38:52
Mickey, you know, he's he's my human guy
00:38:54
and he just said before the second show,
00:38:57
he said, "J1000,
00:38:59
knock him dead." Right? So, what the
00:39:02
problem was is that my empathy chip was
00:39:06
completely on the fritz and my logic
00:39:07
chip wasn't working so well. So, I took
00:39:10
him literally and I took their stool and
00:39:12
I beat the hell out of all them until
00:39:14
they were dead.
00:39:14
>> Oh my gosh. So you have no remorse. Do
00:39:18
you want to do the judge?
00:39:20
>> So you have no remorse for the
00:39:22
situation. You killed the whole crowd.
00:39:24
>> No, I do it again in the same
00:39:25
circumstances. It was just cuz u it was
00:39:27
really Mickey's fault because um he's
00:39:29
supposed to be keep track of my
00:39:31
maintenance. And like I told you, my
00:39:33
empathy chip and my logic chip were
00:39:35
completely on the fence.
00:39:36
>> Well, this is starting to make more
00:39:38
sense.
00:39:39
>> You know, I'll just say this to you,
00:39:41
honor. You know, to be to be totally
00:39:43
honest, I think humans got to be a
00:39:45
little bit care more careful.
00:39:47
>> Case dismissed.
00:39:48
>> You know, we all learned a lesson here
00:39:50
today. I feel
00:39:52
>> I'm still the judge.
00:39:54
>> All right. I know, but okay. I'll we'll
00:39:56
go back. Okay.
00:39:57
>> I'm not beating you right.
00:39:59
>> Next to the stand is the Sebastian 200.
00:40:03
>> Okay. Good.
00:40:04
>> You are accused of violently throwing a
00:40:06
man into the Beverly Hills Hotel on July
00:40:09
9th. How do you explain yourself?
00:40:13
>> Well, I was sitting there poolside. Then
00:40:16
this guy walks down in his sandals.
00:40:21
He starts clipping this
00:40:25
nail.
00:40:27
So I pick him up. I throw him in the
00:40:30
pool.
00:40:34
You got to go like this. in the pool and
00:40:37
picked them up and threw them in the
00:40:39
pool.
00:40:40
>> Yeah. Two arms.
00:40:41
>> Now you say, "And your chips were
00:40:44
working."
00:40:45
>> And your chips were working at this
00:40:46
time.
00:40:47
>> The chips were perfect.
00:40:49
>> Yura,
00:40:52
>> well then this court has no recourse.
00:40:54
>> No recourse but to dismantle you.
00:40:57
Dismantle me.
00:40:57
>> I'm going to dismant you can
00:41:02
>> This course, this court has no recourse
00:41:05
except to dismantle you piece by piece
00:41:09
and take you down to the nubs.
00:41:12
>> Whoa.
00:41:12
>> Sebastian 200, you're going to take me
00:41:16
down to the nubs.
00:41:19
That's what I just said. Take you down
00:41:22
to the nubs.
00:41:24
Get him out of here. Bayift Johnny 500.
00:41:28
>> Everyone's a robot.
00:41:30
>> Yeah. So, the judges too. I was I was
00:41:33
gonna do the judges. Henry Fonda. Well,
00:41:35
get him out of here. You know, like a
00:41:37
AI. Who would be a great judge? Henry
00:41:39
Fonda.
00:41:40
>> That would help construction.
00:41:41
>> We're going to take you down to the
00:41:43
nubs. Johnny 5000. Take him away. Sorry,
00:41:47
Sebastian. Apparently, we got to take
00:41:48
you down to the nubs. Down to the nubs.
00:41:52
That's right. [ __ ] face and scene. Whoa.
00:41:56
>> It's a little sloppy.
00:41:57
>> No, that was great.
00:41:58
>> You became the judge.
00:42:00
>> I did. I tried to help and then I really
00:42:02
hurt it a little bit.
00:42:03
>> I'll work on it and bring it back for
00:42:04
another edition of
00:42:07
>> some buzzing around. There it is. That
00:42:10
was buzzing around if you didn't know.
00:42:12
It's sponsored by Tasty Caffeine
00:42:14
Flavors. Enjoy big flavor in a tiny
00:42:17
bottle.
00:42:17
>> Mhm.
00:42:18
>> 5hour energy shots. pack the flavors of
00:42:21
the season portable 2 oz shot.
00:42:26
>> Wherever there's a 5hour energy, I'll be
00:42:29
there.
00:42:30
>> Wherever people are taking 5hour energy
00:42:32
to give them five hours of energy, I'll
00:42:35
be there.
00:42:37
>> Henry online at five energy.com or
00:42:40
Amazon today. I don't even slow down for
00:42:42
you.
00:42:43
>> I just buzz right over you.
00:42:45
>> Buzz buzzing over me. No, I I I did it.
00:42:48
It was good. You did great. You
00:42:50
>> Come on, man. Who else? I'm going to
00:42:51
work on that and put it in my standup.
00:42:55
>> Okay. What? Oh, let's get to some
00:42:57
stories.
00:42:58
>> Yeah, we're in our second hour.
00:43:00
>> Let's see what this is. Oh, this is
00:43:02
funny. Wait a second. Ready? This is
00:43:04
that cop show.
00:43:17
>> Arrest this guy.
00:43:19
Yeah. What? What's the point?
00:43:27
>> Spain 26 of 83.
00:43:29
>> This is real.
00:43:30
>> Yeah.
00:43:33
>> This guy's pretending to be you.
00:43:35
a false name of
00:43:38
>> David Spade.
00:43:47
She a movie called Bus Boys coming.
00:43:49
>> Go see it.
00:43:51
>> Well, I love the whistle.
00:43:54
>> Why was the funny whistle?
00:43:58
That's what they added to it. the guy.
00:43:59
But it's funny cuz it's a real cop show
00:44:01
where they just arrest people live and
00:44:04
the guy goes, "David Spade, don't you
00:44:05
have the movie Buzz Boys coming out
00:44:07
speaking and the guy's like,
00:44:11
so after a while they go, you're not
00:44:13
him."
00:44:17
Oh, Heather has a special whistle. She
00:44:21
does that they do when we go to um
00:44:23
storage.
00:44:26
Your family whistles to find each other.
00:44:28
My dog's spitting up in the woods.
00:44:30
>> Oh my god. It's Oh, it's how to get
00:44:32
their dog back from the woods.
00:44:38
>> Does whistling come across?
00:44:40
>> She does the real one.
00:44:42
>> Uh
00:44:44
>> uh with these mics.
00:44:45
>> Oh, people I think hate the whistling.
00:44:46
It's too loud.
00:44:47
>> Well, I think you have to get further
00:44:48
away.
00:44:54
>> You know, this water drop is really a
00:44:56
whistle.
00:45:00
That's pretty. How long did you practice
00:45:02
to get that?
00:45:03
>> But it's really just a whistle.
00:45:05
You know what I mean?
00:45:07
>> No, it's something more than that.
00:45:09
I mean, I
00:45:12
>> No, doesn't sound like
00:45:13
>> You could probably do it in a couple
00:45:14
thousand years.
00:45:15
>> If I didn't have a life, I'd have time
00:45:17
to train.
00:45:19
>> Yeah.
00:45:20
>> Here's you at midnight in your mansion.
00:45:22
By the way, you asked me the other day
00:45:24
that Bullet Train in California, what's
00:45:27
the latest tally? It was 100 billion.
00:45:28
It's up to 230 now.
00:45:31
>> You could make the Desert Warrior movie
00:45:34
5,000.
00:45:35
>> Oh, full circle. I like it.
00:45:38
>> Ah, it's not even political. It's no
00:45:41
one's fault. If you have an
00:45:42
unaccountable monopoly that has no
00:45:44
competition, unlimited money, you know,
00:45:47
hello, we could use more money for the
00:45:49
train right away, sir. You know, so
00:45:52
dysfunction is normal of government
00:45:54
who's ever in power. So we have to hold
00:45:56
it to account. But 200 billion's getting
00:45:58
a little thirsty as you would say.
00:46:00
>> Governors of states
00:46:03
are like CEOs, but they would get fired
00:46:05
if they were like CEOs. So if you just
00:46:08
say, "Hey, I don't know where this money
00:46:09
is. Hey, it we've tacked 100 billion. I
00:46:12
don't want to pay for this thing. They
00:46:13
want me to pay for it by myself."
00:46:16
>> I disagree that the train is going slow,
00:46:19
your honor. I mean, we we have 12 tracks
00:46:22
laid. Of course, it's been 200 billion,
00:46:24
but there's been some local fires, some
00:46:27
flooding, and well, I think we're right
00:46:29
on track. We will be able to build five
00:46:32
miles of train track for true $2
00:46:35
trillion. You got a problem like that,
00:46:37
bro?
00:46:38
>> I know nothing you can do. They they
00:46:39
always show a comparison like China
00:46:41
built a train across the whole goddamn
00:46:43
country in like two years for a billion.
00:46:45
You go. So, so someone knows how to do
00:46:47
it. Well, China could just take go
00:46:49
around in a truck with a bullhorn.
00:46:51
Attention everyone, leave your home,
00:46:53
drive 5 miles east, and begin building
00:46:56
the home.
00:46:56
>> Beginning building. Yeah.
00:46:57
>> All we need is 25 million people in the
00:47:01
next hour. Leave your homes immediately.
00:47:03
See, I didn't do a Chinese accent.
00:47:05
>> No, that ruined it.
00:47:07
>> Oh, wait a minute. Quick Japanese
00:47:10
earthquake.
00:47:10
>> Oh, boy.
00:47:17
He's happy and he's out.
00:47:19
>> There comes a tremor.
00:47:21
>> He's confused.
00:47:23
>> I'm sure it's nothing.
00:47:33
Crosses his eyes. Of course.
00:47:41
>> Oh no. Again.
00:47:42
>> Oh no. Oh, I messed the thing.
00:47:44
>> I like when your computer goes blank.
00:47:46
>> Yeah. Where are we now? I just It's all
00:47:48
black around my screen. Can you see me?
00:47:51
>> Let's Let's do another story.
00:47:52
>> Yeah.
00:47:53
>> We overloaded these stories, I guess.
00:47:55
>> I know. It's so funny, though.
00:47:57
>> Okay, let's see if this is funny. Okay.
00:47:59
What? Wait. Oh, there's a new invention.
00:48:02
Edible water.
00:48:03
>> Oh, edible water
00:48:05
>> is an edible water bottle. Meet Uh-oh. A
00:48:07
revolutionary solution to single-use
00:48:09
plastic. These water blobs are made from
00:48:11
seaweed that are designed to hold water
00:48:13
in a natural edible casing. You put one
00:48:16
in your mouth, bite down, and enjoy a
00:48:18
refreshing burst of water. And it's 100%
00:48:20
biodegradable, breaking down in weeks if
00:48:23
not consumed, unlike plastic bottles
00:48:25
that take centuries. The company is
00:48:27
working to bring to market, marking a
00:48:29
major step forward in the fight.
00:48:31
>> Half a dozen blobs.
00:48:33
>> Um, that's great.
00:48:35
>> Yeah. What's the name? I'm trying to
00:48:37
think of the brand name. What are they
00:48:38
calling it? Seaweed water. I mean, is
00:48:39
there better name than that?
00:48:41
>> I'd call it blobs.
00:48:42
>> I call it weed seaw Well, weed blob.
00:48:45
>> I'd call it blobules.
00:48:49
>> Um, hey Dana, we're going on a drive.
00:48:51
Grab a couple blobs for the road. Are
00:48:54
you thirsty, honey? We just walked
00:48:56
across the desert. Of course not. I I
00:48:58
took a seaweed blob. It was a half an
00:49:00
ounce of water. Do
00:49:02
>> you have any blobs on you, dude? I'm
00:49:03
dying. I got cotton mouth.
00:49:05
>> Don't jelly it. Jam it.
00:49:06
>> Oh, don't jelly it down your throat. Jam
00:49:08
it.
00:49:10
>> Okay, that's the that's the by line the
00:49:12
commercial.
00:49:13
>> That's the lady last week.
00:49:14
>> Oh, that's right.
00:49:15
>> What's the difference?
00:49:17
>> What's the difference?
00:49:19
>> They don't care about the creos.
00:49:21
>> I finished the joke. She goes, what's
00:49:23
the difference? I go between bad breath
00:49:25
and heltosis.
00:49:29
>> Bad breathtosis? Those are two towns.
00:49:32
>> Cuz she's right here. Uh,
00:49:34
>> I smell like [ __ ] Malibu rum mixed
00:49:37
with Coke or RC Cola. I'm like,
00:49:40
>> see if you get this, Joe. Cuz I did it
00:49:42
as Red Red Neck and I've confused
00:49:44
people. Red Red Necky, the Red Comedian,
00:49:46
you know.
00:49:46
>> Okay.
00:49:47
>> Yeah. I I just got back from Ooz and
00:49:50
Sore, Mississippi. Friend says, "How are
00:49:53
the folks doing down there?" They are
00:49:56
dabbing cotton.
00:49:58
>> It's ooze and sore, meaning
00:50:00
>> oozing sore, Mississippi. So the whole
00:50:03
town has oozing sores. How are they
00:50:05
doing down there? DABIN COTTON.
00:50:08
>> I got it.
00:50:09
>> That doesn't work for that corporate
00:50:11
crowd.
00:50:12
>> I don't do red redneck for you. They're
00:50:15
like Proctor and Gamble.
00:50:17
>> Can you see this wrinkle, Dana? Where is
00:50:19
it? Heather on this side.
00:50:21
>> There's a wrinkle in this jacket when I
00:50:22
bought it. Would you have bought it? I
00:50:24
shouldn't have bought it. I said,
00:50:24
"There's a wrinkle." I go, "That's
00:50:26
normal. It comes out in two seconds."
00:50:28
This is honestly four years ago.
00:50:31
You did. Wasn't one of your specials my
00:50:33
so-called problems?
00:50:35
>> No, my fake problem.
00:50:36
>> My fake problem. So, you're doing a
00:50:38
perfect impression of that special.
00:50:40
>> This is It's a wrinkle down and it looks
00:50:42
so weird and so I never wear it.
00:50:45
>> Stolen from the shoot as everybody knows
00:50:48
>> from the 50th anniversary New Yorker
00:50:50
magazine shoot where you said let's
00:50:52
walk.
00:50:53
>> Yeah, I repeat myself a little bit.
00:50:56
>> I remember.
00:50:57
>> But yeah, this this is a Gap t-shirt.
00:51:00
You want one with the pocket? They fit
00:51:02
better.
00:51:03
>> What do you put in the pocket?
00:51:05
>> Nothing.
00:51:06
>> Just like a uh
00:51:08
>> nothing.
00:51:09
>> A compass from school.
00:51:11
>> No. Everything goes
00:51:12
>> your phone. Little heavy.
00:51:15
>> Normally I do have a puffy jacket that's
00:51:17
very lightweight. And that's my man
00:51:19
purse. Paula tried to get me a thing
00:51:21
that I would put around like a I'd look
00:51:23
like a mailman from England. All my
00:51:26
stuff in there. I left it in every car,
00:51:28
every cab, you know. But if I have a
00:51:30
zippy jacket like that, I get wallets,
00:51:33
cell phone, keys, and stuff in the
00:51:35
zipped up pockets because if you have it
00:51:38
somewhere it can fly out, it'll fly
00:51:40
away. Oh, you're going to put your stuff
00:51:42
in your breast pocket. It'll fly out.
00:51:46
I'm going to have to talk to the doctor.
00:51:49
Oh, the doctor says don't put your
00:51:51
iPhone next to your heart. It's too
00:51:53
close.
00:51:57
Yeah, that's true. That's true.
00:51:58
>> Guess to start with O. Does she laugh at
00:52:01
this joke or not?
00:52:02
>> I don't know if she knows it. I mean,
00:52:04
it's
00:52:06
>> it's so funny. It's a compliment. It's
00:52:08
an homage.
00:52:10
>> Uh, like I said, she's just the nicest
00:52:12
person in the world, but it's like,
00:52:14
could I get that med this month?
00:52:16
>> You are now just the meanest.
00:52:17
>> I'm going to have to talk to the doctor.
00:52:20
I never really got you. who I never
00:52:22
really worked on. I just said, "Hey,
00:52:24
buddy." But I don't really have a
00:52:26
perfect.
00:52:26
>> There's not much of a personality here
00:52:27
to deal with.
00:52:29
>> It's sort of flatlining.
00:52:30
>> No, you've got your hooks. You know, you
00:52:32
your standup kind of like the way you
00:52:34
move around and like I was like, you're
00:52:36
like, you know, she's like boozy.
00:52:42
>> Little little effects. Little effects.
00:52:44
It's very entertaining,
00:52:46
>> dude. I walk into a room now like I'm
00:52:48
fajitas. I'm like, what's up? I went
00:52:50
that
00:52:52
>> I got that sizzle.
00:52:54
>> Got that sizzle. Yeah, you're on fire
00:52:57
today. We should put a fire emoji up.
00:53:00
>> [ __ ] spade fajitas.
00:53:01
>> You are presenting today. You You are
00:53:04
not phoning it in at all.
00:53:06
>> Oh [ __ ] it's late. All right, we'll do
00:53:08
one more story. We had way too late.
00:53:10
>> Two hours and then we have Yeah, we got
00:53:11
a lot more to
00:53:12
>> We'll push them. We got a lot of ads.
00:53:14
>> My hair got higher during this.
00:53:16
>> People like your hair being high.
00:53:20
Okay, go ahead. Oh, this one's about a
00:53:23
brewery in Wisconsin. This is ballsy of
00:53:25
this guy.
00:53:26
>> Wisconsin Brewery Company admits they
00:53:28
would give away free beer if a president
00:53:30
was successfully assassinated.
00:53:33
>> How [ __ ] sick are these people? How
00:53:38
completely and absolutely mentally ill
00:53:41
are these people? It is kind of that guy
00:53:44
should get his own show or at least get
00:53:47
a podcast.
00:53:48
>> Napoleon Dynamite impression.
00:53:50
>> Oh, I love that movie.
00:53:52
>> Um, so this brewery guy got in trouble.
00:53:55
>> Mhm.
00:53:55
>> Of course, you can't go too far one way
00:53:57
the other. It's just,
00:53:59
>> you know,
00:54:00
>> you can't say free beers if he gets
00:54:02
shot.
00:54:04
>> I know. I know. And they get even
00:54:06
weirder. If there's some kind of bomb
00:54:09
attack in uh Nova Scotia, we give you
00:54:13
give you a round of onion rings. I mean,
00:54:14
there's rewards for all different kinds.
00:54:17
If there's a title wave in Singapore,
00:54:19
you go all get free pizza.
00:54:21
>> That's Poly Market. These people that
00:54:23
bet on stuff you can bet, this is a way
00:54:26
to get the rest of the world in on
00:54:28
gambling. You can bet on almost anything
00:54:30
like when is Taylor Swift's wedding. You
00:54:32
can, you know, there's a lot of just
00:54:34
dayto-day
00:54:35
things that aren't sports. So now
00:54:37
everyone can be addicted to gambling,
00:54:39
but I'm sure one of them is
00:54:41
>> and you can bet on anything.
00:54:43
>> If the Iran, if they open up the Hermuz
00:54:46
Straight of Hermuz, straight of Hermuz,
00:54:50
it's an incredible name. Who whatever
00:54:52
pirate or whoever it was centuries ago
00:54:56
looked out and said, "I'm going to call
00:54:59
it
00:55:00
THE STRAIT OF HORMUZ."
00:55:03
>> Who is the guy?
00:55:04
>> Why? Cuz your name is Steve Hormuz. Is
00:55:06
that why you're naming it? That
00:55:08
>> was it. Lancaster that goes her. How
00:55:10
does he do?
00:55:11
>> Oh, Kirk Douglas. I'm going to call it
00:55:13
the straight moose.
00:55:16
>> What do you think? But I think that's a
00:55:18
fine name.
00:55:21
Straight a moose.
00:55:24
I read that a lot of the Trump cabinet,
00:55:28
you know, you get to be in the cabinet
00:55:29
of administration, they're living on
00:55:32
military bases, a lot of them, for
00:55:34
protection. You finally got your dream.
00:55:36
You're Secretary of the Interior. Now
00:55:38
drop for 20, [ __ ]
00:55:39
>> Oh no. Give me them potatoes. You're
00:55:42
working missile.
00:55:43
>> Yeah, they're in boot camp all the time.
00:55:45
But they got to be in a mil. They got to
00:55:47
be in a Well, they got to be in a
00:55:48
military base. We're putting them in.
00:55:51
We're putting them in
00:55:53
Kadesh. I think
00:55:55
>> Kadish.
00:55:57
Yes, sir.
00:55:58
>> How many things does Kadesh for you
00:56:00
represent? So saluting is a Kadish.
00:56:03
>> Yeah. What else is a
00:56:05
>> I had dinner with Nick Schwarz and we
00:56:07
just make that noise the whole We pick
00:56:09
up our chopstick. Gadoo. Gadish.
00:56:13
>> God, you and Nick. I wish I was there.
00:56:15
>> Nick is a mental case. He's
00:56:17
>> You guys must He's terrible.
00:56:19
>> He He puts a story on Instagram maybe
00:56:21
every day about me and just makes fun of
00:56:23
me. It's unreal.
00:56:25
>> Let's have him on.
00:56:26
>> I know. We should have him on again. He
00:56:27
wants to come on again for his tour.
00:56:29
>> He came on maybe a little while ago. So,
00:56:31
he can come back,
00:56:32
>> of course. He's a friend of the show.
00:56:35
>> He's a funny mofo.
00:56:37
>> All right, Dana, I got to go. So, just
00:56:39
let me walk to my car, then you stay on.
00:56:42
>> Yeah, I'm going to stay on. I'll stay on
00:56:44
and then I'll close the laptop by doing
00:56:46
this.
00:56:48
>> Kadish.
00:56:49
>> Hey,
00:56:50
>> see, I can learn.
00:56:52
>> You've learned. All right. Thanks, guys.
00:56:59
Hey guys, if you're loving this podcast,
00:57:01
which you are, be sure to click follow
00:57:03
on your favorite podcast app. Give us a
00:57:05
review, fivestar rating, and maybe even
00:57:08
share an episode that you've loved with
00:57:10
a friend.
00:57:10
>> If you're watching this episode on
00:57:12
YouTube, please subscribe. We're on
00:57:14
video now. Fly on the Wall is presented
00:57:16
by Odyssey, an executive produced by
00:57:18
Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather
00:57:20
Santoro, and Greg Holtzman, Mattie
00:57:22
Sprung Kaiser, and Leah Reese Dennis of
00:57:25
Odyssey. Our senior producer is Greg
00:57:27
Holtzman, and the show is produced and
00:57:29
edited by Phil Sweet Tech. Booking by
00:57:32
Cultivated Entertainment. Special thanks
00:57:35
to Patrick Fogerty, Evan Cox, Mora
00:57:39
Curran, Melissa Wester, Hillary Shuff,
00:57:43
Eric Donnelly, Colin Gainner, Shan
00:57:46
Cherry, Kurt Courtourtney, and Lauren
00:57:48
Vieiraa. Reach out with us any questions
00:57:51
to be asked and answered on the show.
00:57:52
You can email us at fly onthealla.com.
00:57:56
That's audacy.com.
