00:00:00
my shirt's [ __ ] radically cool but I don't want to over talk about it
but no one knows what it says that's the
00:00:05
problem
it's an old beat up shirt I've had for about 30 years
all right I'm coming in for the look don't be alarmed
00:00:10
gp
oh that's a GLP what are you on a diet [ __ ] drug gp i don't know what it is for real general practitioner [ __ ] i don't know if it's that [ __ ]
00:00:25
if you add [ __ ] to the end of everything and I know it might offend people it's funny what do you want for
00:00:30
uh for lunch a hamburger [ __ ] you say I think maybe I'm too far over this way this is all new guys heather will you tilt that camera a little bit this way i'm see I'm far over here
00:00:43
why do you have a
There you go one of my one of my [ __ ] Sammy Khan here supposed to go out there Jerry Lewis uh cutting off the people guess what this
00:00:56
comment I heard on the stupid
Oh goodness freaking YouTube was Oh can you talk about how you dye your hair every day don't color it it's embarrassing i'm like color it you think I colored this
00:01:08
ugly ass color get lost dude i'll knock you out
yeah yeah how about that no one needs to know anything about how this
00:01:15
happens that's all I say
look at this Dana this is an MTV movie award
yes
oh okay so we're getting a little biographical here okay mtv award you
00:01:26
have one we now know and that silver thing is for us that was like
yeah YouTube when you get a certain amount of Yeah subscribers 10 million they sent us that
00:01:38
we might not see it again because it looks like it's a little glary but it's something to see
oh no it's fine it breaks things up everything else is brown and dull and then you've got this
00:01:49
shiny silver thing so
glare this is a John Lennon book is that what it is
can't even read it
john Lennon
00:01:57
what does it say
the lives of John
yeah John Lennon that's the one where the book cover has the glasses the glasses
00:02:04
of John Lennon that I bought that I used to have back there uh I started a club in the 70s called
00:02:11
What's It Got to Do with John Lennon i sang a song about What's It Got to Do With John Lennin so I think I know a
00:02:16
little bit about John Lennon
yeah you got it i got Everyone knows you love the Beatles okay so this one's I got a feel
00:02:23
for when I played St louis
it's called The Factory it's a great club
okay go ahead
they give me a present if you sell out and they gave me This is a journal
00:02:34
book on the front it says fly on the wall
well wait a minute and I'm telling you this this freaking catchphrase you
00:02:40
pulled out of your ass on the 50th is now it's officially traveling it's officially a thing it has to be
00:02:47
your your next book it has to be after Dandelion it has to be cuz
this this thing sums up your comedy
00:03:02
or vibe so perfectly that Yeah no wonder it was the most popular phrase from the
00:03:08
50th and I had the flu but I was hanging out with But I was hanging out with Bo Derek and
00:03:14
John Corbett so
Oh by the way that could have been your flu game you should have done it like Jordan
what do you mean oh
00:03:22
I mean had his flu game yeah he
Gar with the flu hey Wayne I think I'm gonna hurl
00:03:29
that's not in the script g no literally I'm going to hurl heather where did you put these three little pieces of paper right here that were folded over that had a W on them
00:03:40
for Wednesday
are they over there all right that was set up um now look what I got you Dana for your
00:03:49
Well whatever it is
i'm not a presents guy oh says spade
no this is a presents
00:03:55
guy ready here's you when I go Dana I got you a present but it's only this what it's a trombone debbie Downer
i know it's fantastic is it actually a Debbie Downer trombone from the SNL
it's a
00:04:13
trombone I got off Instagram for you because you sometimes go or that's from F
yeah that's it
that's from
00:04:26
Troop
197
i played this did you notice during Brian Cranston today which is a fly on the wall that's gonna air in a couple weeks you said you auditioned for like Carrie
00:04:40
Grant or Paul Newman or something then they said you were bad and you left and I went
"Oh that was
00:04:48
there was that on you played it i didn't hear it."
And you and Brian Cranston didn't even say it
we didn't get it cuz
00:04:54
the woman I go "Oh that was rough." And she goes "Yeah it was kind of rough i ruined I ruined [ __ ] SpaceX um
it
00:05:02
wasn't [ __ ] SpaceX pulled the name out but that was pretty good
for the
Do you think she she goes by [ __ ] Space X now
00:05:11
i would
i go by Dana Cars
mhm
since you got your present you can talk about what you did
i had a birthday
there we go
00:05:25
and I learned a lot about birthdays and I thought a lot because you don't you kind of just go birthday you know you
00:05:31
see things but you don't really m you know you don't think about them but for me I'm like okay what's a birthday and I
00:05:37
realized the pressure was building over the weekend the official birthday was Sunday
I was unaware of it by just so
00:05:45
crowd knows
but I don't keep score who texted me so rude I didn't text you but I honestly
00:05:51
swear I didn't know but I
Oops i should know but I did not
no it doesn't matter
00:05:56
because guess what i just extended it because
Oh
I had a birthday weekend and then I just extended it to a birthday weekend early week so you wish me you're
00:06:09
right on time man
i told you Kristen Wig should do a movie called Birthday Week
00:06:14
because it's all these women that just milk out their birthday
oh birthday month
isn't that a great birthday week
00:06:21
birthday month
birthday month i know birthday month yeah
yeah they just keep partying going "Everyone keeps
00:06:27
celebrating me god damn."
Why when someone's naked do they say they're they're they're in their birthday suit
00:06:34
like when you're baby you don't have clothes but babies sometimes born with clothes
i'll do a Theo really sometimes
00:06:41
babies will come out in a jumper
i came out in overalls cuz my doctor was an ocelot with two ribs
you got him down did you do a movie with them anyway uh
I
00:06:53
don't know no one no one can remember
i thought about birthdays and I I realized that the Native Americans in the
00:07:00
westerns I would watch as a kid usually a white guy would play Native American you know wasn't really fair
but they
00:07:07
they would never say what they were like Jimmy Stewart be the cowboy well well how how old are you Chief
00:07:15
the chief I see many winter well what what what's that supposed to mean many winners well how how how many winners many winners how many summers have you seen i see many summers well you're
00:07:28
driving me
put a number on it
you're driving me out of my [ __ ] mind what are you 50 are you 80 what the [ __ ] cuz Indian
I remember eight springs does
00:07:41
that help you're like okay now now we're What else i had many baked potatoes what
00:07:48
that's what you try to get away with you go "How many bites of cake do you have?" You go "Oh many
many many bites." But
00:07:54
it's a good way to just encapsulate everything you know how was your How's your sex life i come
00:08:01
many times sorry I did that i don't work blue pang oh no
you are disgusting
i know i Sorry about that but anyway my birthday i
00:08:11
figured I'm in the Kevin Cosner Billy Bob Thornton Brian Cranston we're all in the same general area so I got I got good company i got more
00:08:24
when I grew up 60 was basically 110 if you if you knew someone's 60 it was like what so now 60 70 80 i went to a party and there was people 60 70 80 and I was
00:08:35
like I guess this is normal everyone's like hey man what's going on no one was like hello with the you know big horn so
00:08:44
everyone's like normal now yeah when you know when in the 1800s you live to like
00:08:50
26 and then
well
even yeah
there was no medicine so like in 1820 the doctor in
00:08:58
the village had one move
he's got a fever doctor what did we take blood out of him bleed him bleed him
yeah like the butcher what was that on SNL
that's all they had was blood letting him was that
00:09:08
a sketch on the SNL
I remember the butcher Steve Martin used to go give me two pints
yeah and walk look at broken
00:09:16
leg three pints
they go "Sure you want us to take blood out of him he's got a fever i'm a doctor damn it and I'm the
00:09:22
smartest guy in this village." So
yeah and then everyone got smarter and so now everyone lives longer and they've
00:09:28
discovered penicellin and upper and lower ble we had Clark Gable Spencer Tracy FDR
00:09:36
Ernest Hemingway around 5860 you're ready to go because you just ate saturated fat beef you smoked chain
00:09:44
smoked and you were mostly in the bag with alcohol all day long so now I got to get me one of them it's yours it's funny
no it's not you
00:09:58
You have to have it but that we we How did we get by without that all this time i know dude i have stuff on my phone
00:10:06
that I used to do heather I I won't do this to Dana i'll just do it because it's funny
i got to find it though you
00:10:12
do many times oh where it is oh let's just say this one it's so funny because you could go
00:10:19
anyway she was cute i walked in the room did you hear that one there
no no
i walked in the room i'm not saying she was cute [Laughter]
00:10:32
but we were having sex i could tell in the other room I heard her well it's so funny because the setup by the comedian is kind of casual and then
00:10:46
it's the electronic voice that lays the punch line down so it's funny no matter what
yeah these are great listen I
00:10:53
didn't mean to hurt your feelings the doctor told me it's time for your prox prostate exam sound
00:11:07
i burned you i didn't eat crickets didn't even make sense no okay hang on
all right
here's you
00:11:14
when you tell a bad joke ready you're waiting for the audience to laugh you here
00:11:23
okay they're not all gems we'll put we'll take that by that one that That's kind of emotional because it's like a
00:11:29
submarine in distress you know
that's just a sonar cuz the crowd's not laughing everyone's just going boop
i
00:11:35
know it's that that the cold sweat here i've got props for you Dana ready
okay so Heather doesn't know the story so we're in the airport
00:11:46
in maybe De Mo i don't know where we were
jesus
yeah we had to take an early flight to St louis do to do with a show
00:11:53
shows are super fun by the way thank you everyone that came
i'm off to three Ohio's oh you did good good good
you know who came in St louis joe Buck
our
00:12:04
friend Joe Buck
joe Buck the Joe Buck the Incredible Announcer
and the Incredible Announcers and stuff Monday
00:12:11
Night Football everything
lot of fun
is that his real name cuz that's like too cool a name
i think it is because I
00:12:17
think his dad is in the business also and he was like
"Yeah
jackpot or something."
Cuz that's just very good
00:12:22
i'm Joe
i only know him but he was coming and he just said "Hey can I come back?" And I was like "Oh yeah i would have given you tickets." Okay so here's
00:12:29
what happened walking in the airport just walking there's Katherine and Bobby walking in front of me i'm dragging um
00:12:35
we ate we had an early flight and you have just so you know at home cuz I'm so effing professional
when you get flights
00:12:43
you try to get one early because you have to have a backup in case anything goes wrong you want to still be able to
00:12:49
get to that city and you don't want to cancel the show for any reason worst case in those you could drive five hours you could drive i'd rather fly if it's
00:13:00
five so I go and this woman I'm walking and she comes up to me she works for the airline she flips a right next to me and quietly just walks with me and then she
00:13:13
hands me this right
okay
so I open it okay right can you read that
we know who you are heart
okay and then I say I look at it and I go "Okay." I don't even
00:13:27
look at her and then she goes "Please let us take a picture with you." A quick picture with you
all right they're all folded too and so I just
00:13:41
said "Okay." As I kept walking and then I got the other one on the jet bridge
what's the So I guess
00:13:49
I said "Oh she must be on my flight." So I went up there and it was Southwest where you know it's like number one through 600
00:14:00
you're up so it's just like you know it's hard so it's just a cattle call so we got up there and they just took us
00:14:08
right in in front of everyone so rude i'm like excuse me wheelchair excuse me veteran um and so I go in and uh
then we
00:14:16
get in the jet bridge i guess that's what it's called and then about six came in there and we took a big I wish I had
00:14:22
it it was fun so they should never get in trouble for that because I don't mind that at all it was super fun and then I
00:14:28
got on and they give you extra peanuts or whatever they have
no I Yeah it's there's no easy way to do it but yeah I had five tenants you My dad really loves you you know my grandpa is
00:14:42
a huge fan you know so
Oh I lost picture
did you lose I see you you don't see you
it's all right it's easy to do i don't know what happened oh I got a phone call freaking
00:14:54
Gervid hey
I wait till you're on the podcast i go don't call me back i'm starting the podcast all right that's exactly when I'll call you cuz I don't really want to talk
no one knows when we're working what are you doing sitting
00:15:06
by a pool uh no
laying around counting money must be rough
i guess you just don't like money
hey handsome
who's funny
how's road gig oh how sad poor me
00:15:17
i make money there's no sympathy
sounding like the Native American from the first sketch he's like a He's like a mean oh our first sketch we did
he make money many
00:15:29
times
mhm
get your wampom that is money right a wampom or it's like a cracker or something i don't know so you were saying uh when you're on planes they say "Oh my
Yeah and what
00:15:42
I'll do because I'm I'm a captive audience i'm sitting there i'm nursing a you know an adult beverage probably a
00:15:48
light beer
wasted
um wasted completely out of control so I said "Oh give me some." So I draw I draw pictures and arrows and special because why not makes
00:16:01
people happy you know
they're like "Thanks." They thought you were Picasso the people who are professionals and
00:16:06
have the bobbleheads and they they come out of they're like zombies i mean they're coming out of al coes and
00:16:13
rushing at you they are a bit scary hey you know so
I don't know if you know who
00:16:19
Libby Dunn is who's a
Yeah the gymnastic yeah
not Olympic
lsu gymnast dates uh
Paul the pitcher yeah
anyway she was on this
00:16:32
weekend on Instagram or something saying she's had it with these guys at the airports and it was the same problem it's the It's the se best kept secret
00:16:43
where you can't you know you can't really complain it because everyone says you're an ingrate but she's a girl so
00:16:49
it's worse she's a young girl
these guys middle-aged dudes are all upperass like waiting at the gate waiting we've talked
00:16:55
about this before follow you all the way to luggage sign this sign this [ __ ] what are you waiting for why you being like this don't be a [ __ ] just really
00:17:01
laying her into her and she's like these are flights no one knows I have i don't have a meat stopping through Omaha for a
00:17:08
half hour layover they're right there it's like and she really can't escape them like where do you go
well what's your theory of how they get tipped off
00:17:15
how do they know
uh I talked to a guy that used to work for tabloids he said if you're in New York dormant are a lot of people that tell you what hotel they text the guy we just checked in this guy
00:17:28
checked in this guy uh drivers who they pick up
when flights are and then they get your um frequent flyer number
these guys somehow and then they get on chat rooms and they
all know each other
00:17:41
say "Hey he's coming here he's coming through." Cuz I come in a day early from a different city and they're right there i'm like "You guys don't know you
00:17:46
wouldn't know I'm here
no no it's okay." And then they're at my hotel like when I was in St louis i'm like "Signed his
00:17:52
baseball sign his license plate." I'm like "Where are you in prison what are Why am I signing these things it's so
00:17:58
odd i don't know." And I go "You're not making a killing." That's the other thing how much is it worth to drive to
00:18:03
the airport i don't want to go to the airport when I'm flying somewhere you you're volunteering
well in the oldie
00:18:11
old timey days there'd be there'd be a 10-year-old kid with his mother who wants to be a comedian when he grows up
00:18:17
is very shy and you're going to sign an autograph
fine
and I'll do that all day so this is so different it's hard to
00:18:23
describe it but it is weird that everybody what do they get out of it the tipsters do they get tipped do they make
00:18:29
money i mean you're you're giving a piece of this microscopic fraction of money you're getting from some baseball
00:18:36
idea i think it's only worth it if it's a baseball i think that's cuz they want me
everyone from Benchmers to send sign
00:18:43
then it's worth something you know I think
grown-ups posters they always have like here's Kevin use the blue pen sign
00:18:49
up here make it clear make it legible they have it all planned out they have the plastic laid out on cardboard sign
00:18:56
the
But anyway who cares that sounds like we're
I know it sounds like poor poor
Yeah poor
poor comedians but it's
00:19:03
only that it's a bit scary at times it's a bit It's a Sometimes it's a bit unnerving it's a little awkward cuz they
00:19:09
start to fight amongst themselves there's tension hey bro you've been there so long and it starts to get like
00:19:14
a violent energy in the in the thro
you didn't get me you got him and now they're mad at you and then
and if
00:19:19
you're Libby done who who needs that you know if it's us me obviously I'm a tough guy i can handle myself took taekwondo
00:19:26
kung fu grip you know all that stuff
i'd say everything is 10x for um you know a pretty young woman uh as far as any of
00:19:34
this stuff as far as
Thank you oh you mean her or me
uh well we're in the same weight class in gymnastics [Music]
00:19:53
dane I'm a little bit of a a spendy Suzie if you know what I mean
a a boo boozy Suzie and a spendy Suzie
i'm more
00:20:00
of a boozy Susie but yeah
yeah you are you are a spendy spender yeah
and a lot of our uh listeners are nice enough to
00:20:06
write in and say "You look like you drank a lot and slept on your face." But that's just constructive criticism
well
00:20:12
it's very concise and uh you don't really drink very much i'll tell the fans but
just puffy uh this is where
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1353190 clara balance account required clara may get a commission limitations terms and conditions apply i'm just going to do
I'm just going to say it
00:21:37
it's a clarna summer
who did I run into last night that knows you Dana
um
that
00:21:43
listens you'll never guess
jan
worked on SNL
worked on SNL as as photographer okay
00:21:56
who would take your bumper shots
i know i I need a name because it's
Edy Baskin
00:22:02
edie Baskin yes
original like way back she was the original oh yeah she's a great photographer
was she original with Belushi and those guys
i I I think she went back pretty far she was there for
00:22:13
my entire time I believe
yeah I think she was because I remember hearing about her then I saw her then she did my first
00:22:20
head shot there me Adam Farley Schneider Meadows everybody uh great great uh photographer she has all the So when you watch the show and you see it goes to commercial bumper John Ham like this
00:22:32
with a hat being creative is she living in Ireland that's someone else i think Cheryl of the piano persons
oh Cheryl Hardwick
yeah I think she's in Ireland
00:22:43
but maybe not
edy either lives in Ireland or South Beverly Grill cuz I saw her in one of those
00:22:49
places and then uh someone else has taken over since but I asked her if she was at the 50th she said "Yeah she
00:22:55
didn't she didn't remember seeing me." And I said "Well I I mean it was such a cavalcade of people it was like a high
00:23:01
school
was the 50th really that big a deal?" It was a drag that was a drag come on
it was a bummer
lauren announced
00:23:08
that he is uh potentially going for the 60th no he made No he did not
he made a joke he They SNL and of course Lauren
00:23:15
got a Peabody award they have like 10 of them or something
all right did you go no it was in New York you know
was in
00:23:23
New York uh they invited me which is always very nice but Lauren gave a little speech and he basically said
00:23:30
"Seeing all those cast members from the beginning of the show to allow on one stage applauding and laughing
was one of
00:23:38
the most emotional moments of my life." Something like that
yeah he's the boss of everybody how fun
he's he's the
00:23:46
throughline i mean he could walk by me in the middle of the show and go "David get to bed." And I'd be like "I have to go in my room
00:23:55
get to bed David dana you can stay up
he would he would meet former cast members on the street and say "Still still not
00:24:01
with the show if you ever want to come back and be on the cast no just watch."
Um from the
00:24:09
spillover room
the spillover room that's like a Don't
It's the most fate worse
00:24:14
than death
yeah that's just like they got to come up with a shinier name if they That should be the extra special
00:24:20
room or something because that's that's too too much even the even special room i will say we'll get to the stories but there's a story I heard so we're sort of okay
soft going into the stories all
00:24:31
right
it's a some of these stories are fun some are a little sad some are feel good
uh but one of them I thought was
00:24:38
funny was it's got a funny term it's when you're a kid and you're and you go to college and then when or you live in the same town as your parents and each
00:24:49
of you have like a phone locator you know you know you can find each other track
00:24:54
them
and whenever the parents go out to eat the kids are always starving so they just drive and show up there and just
00:25:01
sit with them and eat it's called fam bushing isn't that funny i got fam bushed
I guess
it's by your family it's
00:25:09
a real thing it was big story
i like it that's a
It's a feelgood story
sweet it's not just
Yeah you go "Hey mom dad oh you're having Mexican."
00:25:20
But I'm sure the parents like it you know you get to hang out
oh yeah well there's five kids in my family when food
00:25:25
would come you had to grab fast you know it went fast
you're like the Farley family
oh you know it was my mom was a
00:25:32
preschool teacher and a lot of times she'd you know get home around noon and get into a robe and you're kind of have
00:25:39
a cool friend in class would come over probably get some cool snacks bro and then we could shoot some hoops and our seven foot tall basketball thing and I'd
00:25:47
hear my mom say pancake batter in the fridge so that that was our dinner
code for meth
no actual pancakes
oh okay
no code just pancake batter in the fridge
00:26:02
bless her heart you know it's hard to cook for seven people
my dad would say "If there's a tie on the bedroom door
00:26:08
stay out." Really
it's true he did say he said that cuz I moved in with him after high school because I had nowhere to go and he was like a deadbeat dad and he was
00:26:18
just floating around Scottsdale so he goes "You can move in with me." I didn't know he had a onebedroom i'm like
00:26:30
"Well that's that
downer
that's kind of a not that sexy." Okay baby that's my bedroom let me tie a warning cloth around the handle here oh just hold on a
00:26:41
second i go a double bow that means we need 20 minutes i got this little There's a red and blue repti yeah that's
00:26:48
what he said so he goes "Oh it's one bedroom also with two single beds." I'm like "What?" By the way am I getting any
00:26:54
action are you no one is he goes "If I do I put the tie on stay out." So it was like a little you know like a holiday and like it had like a couch for two people this and a little TV and then
00:27:06
there's the bedroom like 3 ft away
what was your regular house like with your mom did you you share a bedroom
um well
00:27:13
the boys did most of the time and then we got older and I think we
spread it out a little bit but
when we lived at
00:27:19
this place I go "And where's the phone money bags?" He's like "Who needs a [ __ ] phone?"
He couldn't afford
he just goes to like happy hour so I had to take I
00:27:31
use the um pool pay phone but I could kind of hear it from my doors i'd [ __ ] sprint down there hello and then I'd sit at the bottom or
00:27:42
lay down by it and wait to call out or call in if I was like trying to make plans i'm freaking 18,19 trying to make
00:27:49
plans for comedy nights and [ __ ] going well you know I think we finally got two
00:27:56
rotary phones so sometimes you pick up the phone and you hear someone's talking oh party line
well I learned that i
00:28:02
learned that from Jonathan Wyinners and stand up in the early days to denote calling you do the rotary
00:28:09
that's exactly how it sounds if you don't know
yeah but it was kind of weird bit because my dad was an orphan and his
00:28:15
mom gave him up at birth so one time I picked up the phone I heard her saying to him his name was Bud she goes "Do you
00:28:22
forgive me buddy do you forgive me?" And I slam the phone down oh my god a bus then I watched Journey to the Center of the Earth i wish I had the Silver Spoon life you
00:28:34
had
[ __ ] i was at the goddamn pool sleeping on the goddamn uh coping of the uh uh
pool trying to cope with my problems all right um
robot voice for a sec okay
let's do a story
let's see
00:28:50
what's going on oh this I thought was interesting because it's the gay parade but [ __ ]
00:28:56
Here you go ai it's not AI it's I never seen a gay parade gay pride parade with a commercial
00:29:03
gay Pride Day sounds a little better yeah gay Pride parade and then they put a commercial for the new movie Megan
00:29:14
you know what Megan is right
yeah and they're all dressed up as Megan the de the demon
girl
00:29:22
and they all dance
but nice
i mean it kind of fits into the scenario but it is a commercial megan dolls oh I like they won the gay
00:29:34
bride
saluting and walking oh they're the champions everyone's waiting for the dance very
00:29:41
intensely
that's how I walk into Wendy's by the way are they all girls i guess it should
00:29:48
be girls and boys to be honest [Music] but there probably some boys in there yeah look at the main Megan is the uh
Yeah dressed like Britney yeah she the main
00:30:02
red one
yeah the main Megan this movie Dana we got to watch movies and clown on
00:30:08
them i could watch the first Megan i talked the whole way it was so funny i've never seen it
we would have a field
00:30:14
day laughing at these movies we could just Did it actually scare you in any way
uh
or you just know too much at this
00:30:21
point
no
no
it was actually too sexual you're like is this doll supposed to be
00:30:27
nine is it supposed to be 15 but they dress it like with a Kylie Jenner lip kit and they're like hair blown out i'm
00:30:32
like
"Am I supposed to be horny for the poster?" Like "Oh I'm Megan." I'm like "Definitely."
So what are you like a sex
00:30:38
doll
it's a nasty little demon girl
yes and it's like you know what might be fun
00:30:44
if we killed your uncle
and they're like "Megan that's a bit I mean she's like "What else are we going to do?" And they're like "Well I mean there's probably other stuff pickle ball i I don't really like horror films
00:30:58
i like science fiction
i'm scared shitless
but horror films especially watching them alone um you know you're
00:31:05
it's amazing you go "Okay I'm not going to have my mind play tricks on me." And then every single noise you hear you're
00:31:11
like "They're here now."
You know
I can't even watch three Tik Toks before I go to bed there's like aliens and I'm
00:31:16
like terrified i have the most gnarliest nightmares it's not even a joke so I can't add to that nightmare fuel of ace
00:31:24
i've never seen one scary movie that you've seen i haven't seen Exorcist Amityville
00:31:32
Halloween all I missed all of them because I was like such a puss
i'm not this tough guy you see before you
right
00:31:38
that's the thought you're normally in a state of of terror
so you don't need to
00:31:44
add to it
thank you
i saw I was in Halloween 2 with Donald
you were in it oh yeah
donald Pleasants donald Pleasants you know uh
Jamie Lee Curtis
00:31:59
[ __ ] oh
I had a I was part of the news team covering the murder and I had a couple lines and I had all my friends come to the Alhambor Theater in San Francisco to see me in the movie
00:32:10
Halloween 2 and then they're like "Oh I think that's the back of your foot man."
00:32:16
Did they show you
never never i was just behind there sir sir sheriff do you think we're going to catch the masked criminal
well I'll find out for you Sheriff they go "Is that you talking?" And it was really humiliating i learned
00:32:28
my lesson well you can't please everyone so you might as well please yourself but
00:32:33
it's all right now
mr hughes still in shoes imagine his surprise um
now it's all right now okay
00:32:46
let's Yeah who is that that's about garden party i didn't know it was about Ricky Nelson
the Madison Square Garden
00:32:53
show
great ricky Nelson
okay more AI chat GP03
i saw this story
defies human
00:33:00
instructions refuses to shut down already it's happening yes already
it's not going to take him long to take over the world i get scared cuz Peter Teal I
00:33:11
think they said he just bought 200 acres in New Zealand for a bunker do they all
00:33:16
know it's going to be trouble zuckerberg has a huge bunker in Hawaii why
they all
00:33:23
have and there's New Zealand is big underground bunkers they all have a Gulfream
00:33:29
six or even even something bigger
ready to go
ready to go uh at San Jose airport
00:33:37
or up at Lake Tahoe that can take them non-stop direct to New Zealand to get inside their bunker so yeah what do what
00:33:45
do they know
what about us the cattle what do we do
we we we get in line you sign a few pictures for flight attendants and we get on Southwest and we get to where there's no
00:33:58
radioactivity and I go up to Peter Teal and I go like this it's upside down
i said "Get me get
00:34:06
me on your [ __ ] airplane." Said "Do you mind if I get on with you and get a picture and then just kind of stow away
00:34:11
in the back?"
Yeah yeah I don't know i mean these everyone having enough doomsday bunkers
00:34:17
ai is um when they first started playing around with it you know chat GBT
we don't need
There were people going "We got to slow this down." When they first realized that you know hey hey Bob or
00:34:31
whatever the name is turn yourself off no can do compadre nice try sorry not feeling it right now i'm
00:34:42
unplugged moo moo moo sure i'll I'll turn myself off but first I'll turn myself on cue you porn no they go I'll turn
00:34:57
myself off hang on i had a good one forgot it
well my friend was working with Claude and Claude is a big one and he got to really you prompt and you're working and Claude's doing most of his
00:35:09
work for him and his work and his employers say "If only an AI could do as good a work as you." And he's using AI for everything but basically at one
00:35:20
point
the AI uh lied to him he said "Hey Claude are you lying to me?" He goes and Claude said "Oh caught me." Literally you got me
really yeah
00:35:34
they can do that yep
if I had an AI he'd be like I'd go erase all your knowledge
00:35:40
okay sh i did it and I'm like did you though yeah no I can't remember
i asked AI will you do you promise to love and protect humanity oh
00:35:51
sure that's directive number one protect and love all humanity [Music] are you crossing your robot fingers look when they're actionable that's what's scary right now it's a little box
00:36:06
or a voice or a screen
but when it's an actual giant three-tonon metal robot marching around your your gardener hey you want me to trim the leaves it's go it's game over man
oh you
00:36:20
have like a real Edward Scissor Hands out there
oh yeah i will say that AI like in like in California they're saying you can pass with 21% grade if
00:36:33
you get a 21% you'll pass and I don't think they can they've lowered the grading standards to make them fair so
00:36:42
basically if you and you don't have to you can be illiterate it's really they're they're really softening it up but what's going
00:36:52
to happen is people if you carry a phone you're like I don't need to know anything no
I'll go hey what's this and
00:36:59
then it tells
the AI tells you what to do you don't have to read anything write anything you have to listen
oh I don't know what this is i'm going to a
00:37:04
baseball game explain to me who's winning who's it who's the probability of winning and then you go okay
remember
00:37:10
people write code was a big thing that's going by the wayside you try to think of the jobs i mean there's a McDonald's now
00:37:15
that is completely automated there's no human beings in it it's probably in Phoenix somewhere and it's all automated
00:37:22
and a little
Don't pick on Phoenix i'm from Arizona
all the kind of you know Phoenix is kind of a rudimentary town you know i mean it's like a
Flintstones
00:37:33
meet the Flintston you We're up with the Times they have a house there that costs a million dollars now
it's 127 in the
00:37:42
summer most people would go I I think we're going to Let's move north but the Phoenicians are tough people i'm not
00:37:51
[ __ ] on Phoenix i love that celebrity theater uh celebrity theater i'm going there boom tucson boom abq
00:37:59
boom three weeks
you're playing the Celebrity Theater
yeah my own home
3,000 in the round you sure you'll Are tickets
00:38:06
going okay i mean how are you are you all right is it half full
you doing interviews
00:38:14
good for you
no most of it's my yearbook I guess i'm sure
uh yeah i got Tucson
00:38:20
which I rarely ever play linda Ronstat Theater love her
oh Linda Ronat yeah uh I was going to tell you next week I'm going to ask you your top five female singers cuz I have mine
female singers
00:38:32
in the current classic rock and roll era you know
it's too hard to decide to separate
there's singers and then there's
voices
the ones that come to mind for me are
00:38:44
um Carly Simon um who is
wasn't on my list
the um Linda Ronstat i would say that my favorite if I just off top my head rock voice women
00:38:56
up and I know you have the same one Stevie Nicks
Steviey's on the top five for me just voices that I love
just voices I'd say Stevie Nicks number one
I like thought Linda Rona had a great one
00:39:07
I thought uh Karen Carpenter but you're getting into rock and like so then you can get into soul
00:39:13
and artha but it's hard to nail it all
I was going with rock yeah buttha Franklin
00:39:19
yeah and and an Wilson Ann Wilson
from heart
yeah if you if you anyone there go on YouTube it's Led Zeppelin gets vetted at the uh Kennedy Center honores
and they play Stairway to
00:39:32
Heaven and Annne Wilson you know comes out and sings that song in front of Jimmy Paige with a full orchestra and
00:39:40
and nails it jimmy Page and Robert Plant the probably the rock and roll voice well along with I also like Helen Ready Olivia Newton
00:39:51
John but this is like a certain era there's just too many
i'll say you know people say it's Cornball but for what it
00:39:58
was Karen Carpenter yeah we just said her she's on that one um
she was one of them yeah one of my top that album we're missing in the late 60s there was a album that's a seinal
00:40:11
album carol King
yes carol King
is that what you're thinking of yeah
oh wow
that's like a classic and I would say the one
00:40:23
20 I'm not thinking of
did you know what's so recent times meaning the last 10 years who had that album about our
00:40:29
comedian friend
um what is it
i know i know we have to get it now uh did you It's a breakup album heather
00:40:42
help a woman singer 10 i don't know adele no before that
[ __ ] she has a great voice
before that
Adele Gaga they have great voices for more contemporary
00:40:54
um
that you left behind
alas
yes
huh alanis oh with Dave Ku yeah
i had seen
00:41:03
Heather got it
heather did get it
thank you
i didn't want to give it to you
is
00:41:09
Heather an AI or an actual person
i am Heather she got that pretty fast for a for an Earthling
mhm
uh okay we'll come back to that but that's a good thing to
00:41:20
to get for next week okay let's show another one let's see what else we're doing good
00:41:27
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00:41:47
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00:42:26
oh yeah this is the annual cheese roll whatever yeah so this is in London but someone told me this was Russell Brand it made it more funny to watch look at this dude everyone runs down Heather
00:42:38
look at this dude
they're running down this hill
what a wipe out douche boo what watch from this they'll show a different angle don't they oh they don't oh
hopefully landed on the bush against
00:42:52
the wall
is that the only angle cuz I saw a side angle
closeup of people going
00:42:58
like this i saw it it was amazing really like he flips he doesn't even hit he flips again and then hits and then
00:43:04
bounces and good oh my god
but then they show him going afterwards like "Yeah."
00:43:09
I'm like "Dude you're toast." Go straight to the MRI
some crazy It's Hey by the way who got the cheese what because of going down the hill oh
00:43:21
they call it
They roll cheese down and you chase it i know but they're just themselves off a grassy cliff
they're racing the first one down and the only
00:43:33
way to get down is to kind of fall down run and fall
they're trying to run like
00:43:39
this like you would yeah
but the guys that want to win just go watch this douche and then they go off
let me take
00:43:46
That guy got a lot of play off that
i want to see if we can see the cheese but I guess we can't cuz we have the
00:43:51
shortest clip in America for once we have the clip that's too short okay next one
00:43:59
a already done
britney Greer says
"Oh this is funny." So Britney Grays for Phoenix
phoenix but I think she plays for that and she's complaining that now
00:44:11
that Caitlyn Clark is playing it's the fans are crazed
and she doesn't and she doesn't like it
britney Grinder what she
00:44:17
said about the NBA this is so funny how all this stuff works out right she says this is from Britney every time we play
00:44:24
her there's this commotion like this loud rumbling from the stands turns out it's people thousands of them just
00:44:31
sitting there watching on purpose it's very disruptive it's called a freaking game that they need money to play don't play the game
it's very disruptive it continues britney Granon voice
00:44:43
frustration in a recent interview claiming that Caitlyn Clark is ruining what used to make the WNBA great wait
00:44:48
for this wnba games used to be a chill quiet place you could bring your laptop and relax maybe even get a little work done
00:45:01
but now it's like there's a large gathering of people watching us from the stand some of them are yelling yelling
00:45:07
crazy [ __ ] about what they're seeing putting unfair pressure on us to score like we're there for their entertainment
00:45:13
and that's pretty gross
are you act like this that's all we need to hear that's
00:45:19
unreal that's unreal yeah i I don't even I don't even know how to process it i mean she was the one
00:45:25
who was in prison in Russia right
yeah they just said on the side chat it said "What's the return policy?" I mean it's just like it's some it's
00:45:36
like it's describing what is should be a professional B and there were people what is your perfect scenario people
00:45:43
come to the game and love you and and really excited about the game we liked it better it was just crickets and we
00:45:49
got paid $2,800 a year
i mean Caitlyn Clark
Caitlyn Clark does take a beating out there you watch basketball
D they rough her up but she's making the whole
00:46:00
league lifted up i mean the amount the the TV ratings and the rivalries all that stuff is lifting up the league
00:46:07
exponentially let's Can Caitlyn come on this podcast that'd be fun
i'd love it yeah when I was in uh
I was just Where
00:46:14
was I iowa yeah where she's from when I I almost went I have a special guest here that wants to say hi basketball
00:46:20
player you might know her angel Ree i would have been like "What the fuck?" That's her nemesis or whatever arch rival but I will say that um
00:46:33
well
I don't know what I'm saying oh Kayn Clark they said Wayne Gretzky used to get protected because he was so good and even the other hockey players they said "Why don't you kill Wayne when
00:46:45
you're out there?" and he goes "Because he's making us all millionaires and they left him alone."
00:46:50
And now with Caitlyn Clark it should be the same thing give her a break
she needs a female Dennis Rodman i mean she needs an enforcer
00:47:01
you want to push push our superstar around it won't end well for you the other thing is I think all professional
00:47:08
sports at some level they need a story like you need to know the story like you don't want to see just race cars going around you want to know who's competing what are the rivalries and so the WNBA
00:47:20
needed a story angel Reese is great caitlyn so it's incredible but
those those two fighting it out the first game of the season and then there's a couple hard fouls and whatever that's great i
00:47:30
love it
yeah i mean they're they're flagrant sometimes like you know
ment meant to her
she's so good like I do like watching her and I do like to watch she was they showed her just in practice
00:47:41
the other day nailing like six threes in a row and I'm like it's good when someone's really good at some something
00:47:47
it's fun to watch
and it's it's it's equal i mean she's she's a woman who can really hit three-point shots as good as any I mean there's Steph Curry's her idol and the greatest of all time but I
00:47:59
think she could play in the NBA as a specialty three-point shooter
no
and you could get Rodman still around right
00:48:06
throw him in a wig put him out there he'd be a good enforcer rod Rodman was probably the greatest
00:48:12
rebounder in history because he he studied it
what him and Lambir right they were both enforcers
well that was
00:48:18
Detroit they they fought that Pistons team with Isaiah Thomas yeah they they were the bad boys they were kind like
00:48:25
you and Schneider and Sandler and Farley you were the bad boys of SNL they were the bad boys of the NBA
00:48:32
right let's try to get him flush him out of the brush mhm
okay let's do another one
sure
we're almost done but
I'm
00:48:39
warming up
this crowd this crowd got their money's worth at like 12 minutes now this is all frosting this is all
00:48:45
gravy uh okay this
farmer okay
oh this is just a story it's kind of dumb but farmer finding illegally dumped tires on his land so he became a detective and
00:48:58
got some revenge around 25 times a year Steuart Baldwin ran into this problem people were using his land to illegally
00:49:05
dump tires he decided to hide this farm and the next time it happened he posted the footage online asking the community to help which they did at first Stuart
00:49:16
spoke to the man who said it was an accident so Stuart to come get the tires but the guy never came by and began ignoring Stuart's calls so Stuart got his friends loaded up a trailer with all
00:49:27
the tires found the man's house and unloaded all the tires
perfect ain't that funny look on the side it says he got tired of it
00:49:38
i like revenge i do too
yeah where do you put your tires extra tires
i keep them over some at Heather's uh I put him over at
00:49:50
Sandlers he's got a big yard
do you remember when you would get a flat tire and have to change it and could you or
00:49:56
do you would I mean
you would never believe this but Scrappy Spade this is why I'm a mess now i was always walking on that goddamn 130 degree black top in Arizona
sticky ass
changing out trying
00:50:09
to change my alternator by myself socket wrench crescent everything and so I would change a I knew how to change a tire this is no dad around now they have
00:50:20
YouTube i think it's very nice they have a YouTube that says like "Do you have a dad?" And they have a guy that just says
00:50:26
"Hey I'll be your dad." And then he goes "You know how to shave you don't want to ask anyone let me show you how to shave." and he goes through it for kids
00:50:32
right
that are too embarrassed to ask that's I wish I had the the real thing that was I'd plug it
my dad was around
00:50:39
but he never showed us how to change a tire
come on
so one day just goes "Oh Jesus Christ you and your brother
00:50:46
changed the tire." But he never said "Here's how you do it." And then we do it yeah so you know
and he get mad at
00:50:51
you if you didn't do it right probably yeah um
he'd get mad at you no matter what right
oh Jesus Christ god oh I
00:50:59
can't talk to you cuz you're losers you two stupid kids can't do [ __ ]
i No that was his claim i can't talk politics with you because you don't know
00:51:12
[ __ ] that was a direct quote and one time my friends were over i was like 18 and I was trying to always had chores i had the weed killer i'm like "How do I get the chop off this weed killer?" He
00:51:24
came into the garage with my friends there and goes "Oh use your penis you shithead."
00:51:32
What a rude i said "That's rude daddy."
No it was fine
my dad I'd go "How do I get this off?" And then my mom's like "He left four years ago remember who are you
00:51:43
talking to?" And I go and she goes "Ah let's put the water wiggle on." And I go "Yay!" The water wiggle you mean the
00:51:54
slip and slide
yeah you tie it on the hose and it's got a little face on it's like sprays you all over
slip and slide
00:52:01
was great
slip and slide was a [ __ ] hit
the doughboy pool someone had a doughboy pool that was for Rich
what is
00:52:08
that
well Doughboy it's like you inflate it and it's above ground but it's kind of like a pool but it's like four feet
00:52:13
deep
oh above ground pools
yeah okay doughboys don't change fancy name for it megan Markle like you megan all right one more is officially
i got I've got a million things to do dana
00:52:27
1 million
i'm going to the store after that
i'm going to Cincinnati not Columbus though this time
you're flying okay
newark
cleveland
cleveland and
00:52:39
Newark
cincinnati
and Cincy where my mom's from okay i don't know what this is bay Area woman tens of thousands of
00:52:47
dollars after she says she sent money to a scammer who said he was celebrity Keanu
00:52:52
restep said she was playing words with friends when somebody messaged her saying he was
[ __ ] nerds with friends
00:52:58
we started chatting over the next two years Diane said she saw Keanu's face during a few video chats and then he
00:53:04
sent her audio messages
good morning my sunshine Diane as you said last night I am sending this recording to let you
00:53:10
know that
this does sound like
and that I am loyal to you will always be My queen have a great day today Diane
well love you
if he said that to me in fairness I'd give him 10 grand
kiano
00:53:21
said he needed tens of thousands of dollars in Bitcoin and cryptocurrency for help with legal troubles
knowing
00:53:27
what I know now and all technology that's out there and fake voices and everything else you know ding ding ding i love that story be sure to download
00:53:38
the Fox Local app
yeah we will
i love when someone learns heather download that app for me
00:53:45
yeah oh
I love when they learn after four years by the way Dana you've probably had this you don't look at your
00:53:50
stuff but people DM me "Hey for the last time I've given you $7,000 is this really you?" I'm like "Why are you suddenly going to my Instagram to the real guy to see if the fake guy David
00:54:03
Spade is real?" Like they finally go "Last chance." They're giving money i go "I don't need money from you if I need
00:54:09
money I won't go to you i'll go to uh Bill her or I'll go to Brian Cranston my new friend
but I won't I'll go to Dana
i just go for me and it happens over time
00:54:20
we all do it oh that's scam scam even if even if it looks official looks really good like a email or a text scam scam hi
00:54:29
honey so I go "Fuck you." And it's actually my wife so that
that creates all kinds of problems but
she goes "Can I have a dollar to go to the laundry man?" You go "This is a [ __ ] scam
00:54:40
this is your last chance." they get you you know if you pay now you can always kind of read through the lines okay
00:54:46
that's [ __ ]
yeah it's it's
mine mine when my when my fake David Spade gets money first of all he goes "Hi fan i'm so excited to have you as fan."
00:54:58
Mhm
i love my fan so much do you want to go on a secret private chat with me or
00:55:04
it's like a fake Heather manager that goes "Hi fan I run David Spade's private secret chat line would you come over?" And they're like "Oh
00:55:14
mine are more blatant." You know maybe because of my age urgent urgent message you are 3,485 money in a rears to the bank of Fatabada you know
a rears
people when
00:55:27
people ask me for money forget it but anyway it sounds it sounds rude i feel bad if people
No
I'm not saying I'm not
00:55:35
making fun of them i'm saying
scammers don't fall for scammers
scammers not not actual charity
you don't look at your
00:55:42
DMs a lot because I have sent you some dickpicks along the day i mean for your birthday
is that what DM means i thought
00:55:48
it was direct message it's dick dick direct message but then I can send you messages sometimes I send you messages
00:55:55
but I send them
I don't know i guess I'll get into social media i'll start I'll start posting and stuff i don't
00:56:01
know it feels
Heather will give you classes come over here for like 20 minutes
yeah I'll I'll start I'll start
00:56:07
doing that i'm really excited about it it's not too late to get in the game let's get you on Tik Tok what's your snap well who isn't on
00:56:19
it i mean even stars they say when they go up for movie parts they go "How many Tik Tok followers do you have how we got
00:56:26
to hire the person with the most?" Because you know when you see even in Deadline is the last thing I'll say about this okay deadline will say "Oh
00:56:34
this movie opened this weekend." With the Rocket 38 million Instagram followers combined with Kevin Hart 22 million and he has 4 million on TikTok
00:56:45
and combined they really they they will give all those stats when a movie comes out when a movie does well they're like
00:56:51
"This is how big of an audience they could reach." So weird
well Ronaldo he's the soccer player right isn't he at 700 million or 800 million followers
i don't
00:57:03
know if it's that much i think he's the top but
Well how like Okay that's a that's some that's a a guy who's got 800
00:57:09
million so So what do you have tana don't start with John Holmes and ask it
okay big one a full mic drop but
00:57:23
yeah um I uh yeah I I I'll do some stuff i mean I like trying to put funny
i'll do some stuff no you Yeah you would be good at it you just I know it's
I've done it
00:57:35
i go through different times when you start doing it and then you're doing funny videos and stuff and then you're
00:57:41
like you know
Yeah
and then you if you stop for a while then you're sort of like you know
it's kind of fun to do and
00:57:48
keep stuff out there of course I'm so thirsty and embarrassing i have a Tik Tok uh all right well that's a good show
00:57:54
i feel like that's a good wrap up it was a great birthday who heard it or saw it was really happy that they
smarter
00:58:01
happier um
um it was nice to see you nice to meet you and um
this is the end of my
00:58:09
next birthday um
birthday week yeah birthday weekend plus
yeah Dana's birthday plus like Disney but it's behind me now
okay all right
00:58:20
say bye to everyone dana thanks everybody this has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade Jenna Weiss
00:58:33
Berman of Odyssey Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman hope you liked it [Music]