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Welcome to the show. Uh, obviously we didn't get to talk about Jimmy Kimmel last week. We'll talk about him this week in a minute.
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You have a few minutes we're going to weigh in on that entire situation and um I don't want to brag, but probably our
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point of view will be the wisest maybe or just most important most important. So anyway, to more
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important news, hey, how was your weekend co-host? So when I did this show this weekend, it
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was for farm uh farm to veterans. So, you know, it's it's it's a charity show
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in Chicago. This guy Tom Tran uh was on the show with me. He went
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first and um it's funny cuz he had to kind of host the whole thing and he
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showed us these glasses he had on. I go, "That was a mouthful there." He goes, "Oh, yeah. Just put these glasses out and the teleprompterss in them." Have
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you know Have you seen those? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Very hip. I have not seen those. Is that what Mark
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Zuckerberg's working on? something like that where oh the meta glasses are a miracle really
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for people who are blind they just make you comp my mother-in-law is 94 and has trouble seeing so she'll hold up a can
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of something and say meta what's in there and it'll read the ingredients
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oh I thought it was just like meta what's on Facebook and it would show it right there I think it I think it's all that too I
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think you just walk around with the glasses you put down your iPhone and just walk around with them you just go
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met up you Show me uh CNN.com right now and it will show up and you'll hear it.
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Yeah. So, I was also reading up on Jimmy Kimmel and a million other things on
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Yahoo News. Turned into my mom. And the funny thing is there was some
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dopey story. So, I went to their comments. I've already made one move. I went to the comments. They they love
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that. Okay. What are people saying about this? And it could be something, you know, about
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the poop cruise or it doesn't have to be anything important. I'm just like mindlessly drifting through and people
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have a thousands of comments about different things about the poop cruise or whatever. Millions. And then I go, "Oh, I have a funny joke
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I'm going to put in." And I click on it and says, "Would you like to join our crazy community of
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people that comment on Yahoo News?" I go, "No, thank you." I mean, they're making another thing I got to do. I'm
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going to really So then I go I know. Well, listen, I do have a lot of free time. I either have too much uh free
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time or none. But when I have too much, I don't still have the time to click it and log it and think of a password and
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give them my [ __ ] email immediately. You got to give me your email for anything. Oh yeah, they so they can [ __ ] carpet land and
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grab. My thing is like uh sometimes one of the things I subscribe to anyway, hey, would you like to weigh in Dana?
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It's just sort of like, whoa, hold on. Hey Dana, you've got some stupid [ __ ] to say. What do you have to say? And I'm a
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celebrity with a small C. But what is it? Is it like, "Hey, Brad Pitt, want to make a comment?" I don't know.
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Hey, Bradley. And going all that way to make a comment
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about something dumb that no one cares about. It's I go, "But man, thousands of
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people are doing it." Yeah. Millions. I'm going to go out on a limb. Yeah. I sound condescending, but it's
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like I like when people say that word wrong. I'm condescending.
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I I want to get orientated. That's not Wait, orientated is a word, I think. Wait. Yeah. Orientated.
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Orientated. But there's another one people say that I don't re reorientated. I would just say this
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about all this stuff. And I know it's not a news flash. Check yourself. If going online and
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being angry and posting and doing all this stuff makes you happy, go for it. If it makes you sad or
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furious, yeah, you might want to tamp it down a little bit because these algorithms, these machines,
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first they got us all hooked in like 2010, 111, 12 and it was just sort of to
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buy things and go here and there and now it's to incur rage and the algorithms know now that rage is the emotion that
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makes them the most money. So we are all five emotions on the board. Rage number
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one. Number one, so we're in a science fiction movie where these robots are
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making us really, really mad. I know this isn't new, but check
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yourself, man. I see people who are so in a state of hysteria about politics or
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anything or climate change or whatever, but you know, once in a while, give your brain a rest. That's my my my hot take.
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That's a [ __ ] boiling take. All right. Should we talk about Jimmy Kimmel?
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Why not? Jimmy, who is a friend of both of ours. Um, that's why it's hard to talk about these
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things because, you know, he's a buddy. I have a picture of me and Jimmy in my house. Do I have one of me and you?
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Yeah. Buried turned like this. I don't really go out much. There's not many of me photos of me. I'm
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underground, man. I'm just kind of a I got a picture of me and you in here. Don't you worry. When people say to me, "Oh my god, it's
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Dana Carvey." I go, "Calm down. I'm pathetically normal. That's the phrase that get really. Yeah.
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I'm pathetically normal. There's nothing here for you. Uh Jimmy Kimmel though, you know, I
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think also it's good to take a knee sometimes, not comment right away because now we're commenting after his
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monologue last night, which I thought was tremendous. You know, I really um
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thought it was perfect and uh it was emotional. I mean, I'm reading it here and this really about his thinking.
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Yeah. Read read some of it cuz I didn't see it. Yeah. It about his statement because when there's a shooter, each side wants
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it to be, you know, from the other side, you know, that's the competit that means
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you're all the shoot, you know. So, oh, you guys are bad. Yeah. That's the game going on. That's the quick thing.
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So, he made a statement. He said, "I that was really the opposite
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of the point I was trying to make." So he said, "But to some that felt felt
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illtimed or unclear or maybe both. And for those who think I did point a finger, I get why you're upset. If the
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situation was reversed, there's a good chance I would have felt the same way." So that's a, you know, I, you know,
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what's the word apology? I don't know. That's a kind of a pointed, you know, hat in hand, but that's that's
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definitely he's he's it's clear thinking, I think, you know, and it's
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it's both sides itis, which is great. And um you know, and before I go into
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the the whole FCC part of it, I was really moved. I saw the the Charlotte
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Kirk's widow and, you know, I'm familiar with, you know, tragedies and things like that. So, she really moved me and
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she did Jimmy Kimmel. Um, I did hear you said that. Yeah.
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Yeah. So, she if you believe in the teachings of Jesus as I do, there it is. That's it. A selfless act of grace,
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forgiving, forgiveness from a grieving widow. And it touched me deeply. That's Jimmy. Um, if there's anything we should
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take from this tragedy to carry forward, I hope it can be that and not this. So,
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I thought it was just and he was emotional about that because that thing, you know, in the end of the day, we're
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all Americans. somebody got assassinated, you know, and ideally we just come from it rather than political
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points. We just we just sort of take a grace be sad and move on. Yeah, sure. And
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everyone has their own thoughts about it, but yeah, I I agree. I mean, and the freedom of speech thing is is so murky
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and muddy and as is, you know, it's not a hot take for us to say we're
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all for freedom of speech. Sure. you know, um well, the Kucus clan could walk down streets
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and and say whatever they wanted. It was for when I was a little kid, it was like, oh, you you have to allow speech
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you really don't like for freedom of speech. I don't think they do that anymore. I think there's hate speech and then who
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decides what's hate speech? Is someone that you disagree with? That's hate to me. It's not hate to you. Uh, and also
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people, I mean, when you're on SNL, Charles Rocket got fired for saying [ __ ] And
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[ __ ] you always, like you say, there's layers to it. Like when I go on talk shows, I
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don't say whatever I want. I say, I'm going to talk about these things. They said, well, I'd rather you not. Why don't you talk about this? Why don't you
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talk about this? I wouldn't say that. And it's just so woven into your every day of what is free speech. There's no
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I mean I if if some boss above you, you know, people get fired and things like
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that. I thought I was glad Jimmy didn't get fired. He got sort of a slap on the wrist. And I it it's FCC, then it's
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affiliates, then it's advertisers. You're answering to so many people. And if they don't agree with you, then I
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think you everyone has a boss and they say, "I don't like what you're saying." So Eddie's very strong in his opinions.
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So he says them, but they took a pause and then I guess they fixed it. But I I
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didn't say anything cuz I thought I don't think he's going to be fired for that. I think they're going to say, "Hey, come on. Let's stop. Take a breath
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here." Basically one line. It is a there's different different layers to this. You know, just the first one, the chairman
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of the FCC, which which is maybe it's archaic or whatever. It's public broadcasting. It's ABC, CBS, NBC. It's
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not cable. It's not John Oliver. It's not It It's not HBO. Oh, it's just the
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it's just those for the public good. But when the guy came out and I would say to him to his face, I say, "When you say
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regards Jimmy Kimmel's whatever that's going to happen to him, we can do this the easy way or the hard way." It's like
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weird. That's when do those guys talk anyway? This guy's like on podcast. I'm like, "What?
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Where? Why am I seeing this guy talk? You don't see him a lot. Am I crazy?" Right. No, just be the FCC chairman.
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And he kind of steps in [ __ ] when he talks. It's like, "Oh, now we get to analyze everything you said. Right. And so that that push buttons uh
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for uh both sides really. Ted Cruz came out. No, no, no. Take it easy. Let's slow down. And um you know, I was when I did the
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Dana Carvey show. I like to bring things back to me, but this is 97 and we're after home improvement and we
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did some Clinton with teets and something that crushed the ratings and offended a lot of people. So we
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immediately started losing advertisers. We immediately started use losing
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affiliates and so we lasted eight episodes affiliates.
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I know I didn't know what a I say affiliates all the time. don't even know what they are for stations, you know, stations in cities. Chad,
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station WP. And so a lot of those stations, I don't know, some in Portland and Seattle
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didn't do it, but I thought in conservative states they might be more prone to that. But I wish the FCC chairman hadn't said
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that, you know. Um, but I think that the Jimmy's um talk last night, I think kind
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of put it in a completely different tilt, different conversation. Yeah, I would
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say not as much of an apology. So, he didn't really have to say his apology. I think it's more of just a levelheaded
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discussion. He was probably heated the first day when he doing his monologue. Of course,
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we all do that. Yeah. I mean, here's I looked up this a little bit and
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it kind of started like I did because there's two kinds of I looked it up. took five seconds, but
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like we do parse our words because I never want to be up there like, hey, I'm
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on TV and my opinion really matters. That's just me personally. So, I'm very
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very careful about teaching the audience. I'm always going for the laugh. I'm not saying this in a self-
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congratulatory way because sometimes you go, I want to weigh in on that. And we do in our own way, but it kind of
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started um in the early knots. John Stewart
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who's brilliant at the Daily Show really started going after Cheney and and Debia
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and all that and that was a very political show uh very funny and then it
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it it continued and it's for us from the Carson era you know we were just looking
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for laughs and this and that but so there and Greg Gutfeld does the right you know so this is a whole different
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era we're in but I try to think the last time the country was completely united. I'm going to give
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you a chance to guess. I would go back to 911. I don't know.
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That's it. Oh, really? Okay. Politics went out the window. And you
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kind of have to remember that when we don't have buildings falling down, you know. Yeah. We're Americans first and we argue and
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we, you know, we go crazy at each other. But if if someone attacks us, that's when we go, "Okay, hold on. Hey,
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but I I would I would go out on a limb and say it's still a great country overall. I'd rather be here than other
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countries. Uh but that's controversial. So
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now I'm thinking if you say America's a great country, that will that'll light up Twitter and stuff.
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No, [ __ ] you, man. I'm meaning it in the context I'm saying it. I like you're even explaining it. It's
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so funny. It's true, though. People get so mad about everything.
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back to I have I have a tragically stupid bit I could do for you, but it's
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too much of a change up from this and I have a bit I have a bit that I thought of that I'm gonna give to you
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because you're the guy. Okay, good. Give me that first and then that'll bomb and then I'll I'll be I'll do the one. Well, I was laughing, you know, at the
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your Jason Strait. Oh, yeah. The clip we had last night. It's funny that he just says the title
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of the movie and that's kind of basically I'm the beekeeper, you know, I'm the wicked man. So, I thought, what
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if he had an unwieldy thing? I'm the baker. And then you do it after me. I'm the baker down the street who
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specializes in apple pie. It's very unwieldly, but he has to say it menacingly. I'm the baker down the
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street who specializes in apple pie. Oh, I'm the
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you mess with the wrong baker cuz I walk down the street at the cobbler store and
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it's kind of kitty corner from where you Well, well then it's but say especially I
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specialize in apple pie like like you I'm going to kill you. No, I can't remember the whole bit though.
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But I'm the baker. There you go. You do it better anyway. I don't think so. I go too. I I go
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Michael Kane immediately. I'm the baker down the street and I specialize in
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apple pie. Okay, that's like it's a threat. Yeah, that was a beekeeper is good
00:14:52
because like you said, keep it [ __ ] simple. We did some pickups on bus boys this weekend because
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there's some there's some questions when you see it like questions we try to answer like
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why did you do this movie? What is this movie? I don't understand this movie. Oh, clarity.
00:15:09
Yeah. So, we did some clarity clarity and uh it was kind of fun to be back in the wig.
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Snug it on little WD4 [Music] WD40 doesn't go like
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it's got that little straw, does it? It's got the straw in your mind. Straw, but it doesn't go.
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No, no, no. But the squeaky attach your skull. Then what happened? Then what happened? Don't be so
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unenthused. Then what happened? I did some pickups. more clarifying, not re-shoots, just like oh this now listen
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is it [ __ ] Casablanca I don't know what's a good movie is it
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Inception we got to answer all the questions Christ sakes what are
00:15:54
Budley what are you making dumb and unbelievably dumber what is this return of the Pink Panther
00:16:01
part 17 what are you going for you know anything with Dennis cuz we can't go a
00:16:08
goddamn show without Dennis. It's so good. I know. Well, this is Yeah, just Dennis. All right, here's I'm going to do an act
00:16:13
out for you. Ready? This is I watch those locked up abroad shows where you
00:16:18
go through customs and everyone's trying to smuggle [ __ ] and they never learn. You know, you smuggle stuff in through
00:16:24
the TSA. Okay, that's the setup, right? Okay, that's the setup. Got it.
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So, the guy brings the suitcase full of like we see on the I get alerted in my earpiece. I'm the customs guy, right?
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This is gonna [ __ ] bomb. I'm the customs guy. I love it. And then I get alerted. This guy's got in the X-ray machine 20 pounds of
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cocaine. So they walk up to me and I go, "Hey, how you doing today?"
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Friendly and they're nervous. What are we doing here? Let me check out that passport.
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Okay. Oh, Brazil. Fun. A lot of cute girls there.
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I wish I was in Brazil right now. It's a fun time. So, what do we got going here? A little business trip. little pleasure.
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I already know already. And he's like, "Oh, it's a business." Okay.
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All right. Well, uh, you mind if we take a little look seeie in here? Uh, just typical. We pull random people out. Just
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unzip it. Check it. You don't mind if I take I'm sure everything's fine. Oh, boy. Oh, my shoulder's so sore. You got
00:17:23
to get a purple one. You know, my friend has a purple suitcase. Open it up. That seems fine here. Let me
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just dig through a little bit. That's all. All I know in my head he's got 20 pounds of coco. Okay. Anything you want
00:17:35
to tell me? Anything? It's all good. It's all good. Should I keep digging? Doesn't matter. Oh. Oh, you got a teddy
00:17:41
bear here. Oh. Any reason it weighs 80 pounds? Take them away.
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But I build up trust. I'm friendly the whole time. That's what they do. No, that's a funny observation. They do
00:17:52
that. What's What's going on here? You see a guy lighting a bong. The guy's like sweating. Hey, you guys
00:17:57
having a little party? I just I assume they're trained at some place in that pattern. probably their first attempt in
00:18:04
class might be terrible. Hey, uh, what are you doing? No, no, no. I got to come
00:18:09
in soft. Yeah. What what they want to say is, "This guy looks guilty from my racial
00:18:15
profiling. Can you come over here?" So, they can't say that. So, they go, "Hey, we're randomly pulling people that are
00:18:21
drenched in sweat out of the out of the line." I'm going to my favorite place today. I'm going to the airport.
00:18:27
You are not. Yeah. No, Dana. I love it. All shoes, keys,
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everything comes out. Laptops, laptops, watches, belts.
00:18:41
I love Dude, Heather made the mistake this week. She brought water. What a criminal. Didn't you bring your water
00:18:48
through? It's okay. I was going to refill it. She was going to refill it, but the guy's like like he caught the big
00:18:54
[ __ ] mob boss and she's like, "Right, my water." Yeah. What do you want me to do? Just can I just [ __ ] go? And he's
00:19:00
like, "Oh, I wish it was that simple." Don't you remember 9/11?
00:19:05
Not much. She's like, "I don't remember them throwing water on anyone." So then she has to go back, dump it.
00:19:12
Okay. Secret cuz I saw it in Denver. My mother-in-law, we were going through
00:19:18
the Denver airport. My mother-in-law walks fine, but it's like seven miles to get to the gate. Oh, Denver's ridiculous,
00:19:25
you know. I have, you know. So anyway, so my wife and I are behind her and we have a guide with her and we're just blowing
00:19:32
through doors. We're just going everywhere. A guide. A guide taking us past this, waving at
00:19:38
me. Everybody's happy. Go, go, go. That's the way to go through it.
00:19:43
Otherwise, it's like, uh, how you guys doing today? You know what the worst part is? The guy
00:19:49
goes, like if you get a greeter and they go, they get like eight bags, they go, okay, beep beep. The guy goes, "Hey, I
00:19:55
got us a little cart cuz it's about a mile." And I go, "No, I want to walk. We got an hour." He's like, "Yeah,
00:20:01
huh." And I'm like, "You can ride if you want." No, I'm going to walk with these guys.
00:20:08
Then I tip the lady cuz she pulled her card up that I didn't ask for. Anyway, then we walk and the guy's like, all
00:20:14
he's thinking is, "Why does this prick want to walk?" And I'm like, "Cuz I just
00:20:19
I'm going to sit for six hours, dude." Well, and also you you going through and you're David Spade, you look like Miss
00:20:25
America or something. They're all walking. Hello. I'm on TV. Yeah. Beep. They're always
00:20:32
like, "Man, get the [ __ ] out of the way. We got whoever this is." Yeah. It's the guy from that thing that
00:20:38
you saw on that thing over. You better. You know him. You know him. Come on, man.
00:20:44
Oh, Heather like this one. We did our re-shoots the other day or whatever we called them and we're at this little
00:20:49
beach bungalow. I don't want to give the whole movie away. Heather knows the guy that the guy that
00:20:56
rents you the place. This is all our favorite term inside baseball.
00:21:01
Meanwhile, it's never about baseball. So, he goes, um, he's a guy, nice
00:21:06
looking guy with big hot dog bags under his eyes, right? This is other people's words. So,
00:21:13
well, he's he's an older gentleman and he owns the the four little shacks on the beach. We we were looking for sort
00:21:19
of an inexpensive little Oh, I see. little apartment. He bought in 1958. Go ahead.
00:21:24
Honestly, he's had it for 40 years. 40 years. So, he paid 30 years. So, actually, it's the It was like a good color blue. It looks like I'm such
00:21:30
an artiste. Anyway, it just looks cool and it's the kind I used to dream of
00:21:35
staying in. Little tiny crash pad. Go to the beach every day. Good. So, he's there and he goes
00:21:40
and of course they rent it. So, there's supposed to be nowhere near the premises, right? There's supposed to be
00:21:46
nowhere. Anyway, he's right in front. Yeah. And he's right in front. He's supposed to get lost, pal. We're paying for Which one of you people's famous?
00:21:53
That's what he says. And I go, "Uh, and we're all just looking around." I go, "Well, we all are. We're all just trying to make a
00:21:58
movie. No one's really that famous." And then then Heather goes, "Oh, he was on Scient Live." And he goes, "Oh." Zero's
00:22:04
in on me. Okay. Really squinting and trying to soak me all in. Nothing's registering.
00:22:12
Like not enough, but okay. Maybe I take your picture with me. What's that accent?
00:22:20
That's what he sounded like. No, he's I don't know. I I was hoping he'd say, "Hey, did you know that uh that Dana Garney guy, that
00:22:26
church lady guy? That guy was a kick in the pants." You know, no. Then you are a kick in the pants.
00:22:32
But it's not. It's he's just an older landlord. And then he goes, "Right,
00:22:37
I'd take your picture with you." I go, "Take my picture with me?" Yeah. Okay.
00:22:43
So, we take a picture. And then he's like, and I know he's now he's starting to send it around like, "Who the [ __ ] is
00:22:48
this guy?" And then he goes, "What's your name?" And I tell him, he's got he's getting his accent's getting more messy.
00:22:53
Really, it's a little all over the place. I like it. And then he goes, "Uh, spell it." Um,
00:23:00
it's getting more humiliating. I'm like, "Well, we got to shoot in a second, but yeah, here it is." Blah, blah. Then I leave. And then he's got Heather and now
00:23:06
he's grilling Heather on why am I famous? What have I done? Am I really famous? That guy do that. That guy doesn't seem
00:23:14
funny to me. Oh, spell my name three times. Yeah. And then still when I leave, he's
00:23:20
like, you know, and I'm like, why do you need the spelling? You're going to [ __ ] tag me on TikTok, dude. Just don't worry
00:23:26
about it. You got the picture. Show it to someone. At some point, someone will go, yeah, okay, I know who that guy is.
00:23:32
Would you guess that that guy's retired or working full-time?
00:23:38
He's retired. He's renting all those out and uh and he's happy as a clam.
00:23:44
And then each little beach bungalow has like two beat up chairs from tangs made
00:23:50
of wicker for the last 40 years. And one of the crew guys is sitting on one and I see him. It's way down the end. He's
00:23:55
like this. I know. He's like, I don't like it, but I'm not going to say anything.
00:24:01
He's like the beekeeper. I'm the beach keeper. I'm the beach keeper. I attack
00:24:07
celebrities with stupid questions. Beach keeper is great. I'm the beach keeper and I annoy
00:24:14
celebrities and and I'm like, can someone give this guy his $24 for the half day rental so
00:24:20
we can just wrap it up with him? I I think here's an observation. Oh, he's retired. When my dad retired, the
00:24:28
minutia of he and my mom, what they would talk about, he'd be in a grocery
00:24:34
store. Oh, Jesus Christ. Why did they have the water over here? What's that
00:24:39
about? Or driving down the street. Oh. Oh, they Oh, the parking lot they put in. Why' they Why' they put in a parking
00:24:46
lot? So, everything was just like, "What? Bots are so skinny." Yeah. Oh, look, a tree. You know what?
00:24:54
What about it? It's a tree. That's all. And then she has an opinion, too. I like
00:24:59
trees here. This store is our favorite, but they moved where the water was made. Why?
00:25:08
Oh, Jesus Christ. We don't Why do they have to change things? And then he goes, "Oh, I'm sorry. We
00:25:14
boring you, LA boy." And you're like, "Sort of." He said to me once, and I kind of agreed with him. He goes, "Oh, music was simply
00:25:21
better in the 50s." You know, Frank, well, I don't know. I
00:25:26
like the Beatles, but yeah. Uh, but that guy, it sounds like you ran into a retired guy with a
00:25:31
capital R living off rent. And so to you, you were like a shiny object like, "Oh my god, some something new."
00:25:38
They have cameras and this guy was on television. I don't have a [ __ ] clue
00:25:43
who he was until Heather told me, "Who's Heather?" His friend said he's on TV, but I go,
00:25:51
"He doesn't look like he's on TV." She promised he's famous. She promised.
00:25:57
and really famous. I want to get Adam Sandler. I get David Spudley. Yeah. The
00:26:04
last guy he ran to that place to is Red Skeleton. Also, Charlotte McKenny's in it and she
00:26:10
had a scene in that place and I wanted to say it was Margot Robbie cuz she's blonde and I couldn't do it cuz she
00:26:17
would have killed her. But then later she said I said, "Did you ever talk to a guy?" She goes, "The owner?" I go,
00:26:22
"Yeah." She goes, "Yeah." I go, "Did you have a lot of questions?" She goes, "Yes." Jesus Christ. You
00:26:28
because he's just zeroing it. And then the directory found. What else have you done? What do you do? Just point camera.
00:26:37
Everything was quite not enough to impress him. The last guy found out on was Buddy Hacket circa 1967.
00:26:44
Okay. Here, I'll tell you a good joke. I just like the Red Skeleton reference. I already told you this is another punch
00:26:50
line. They were on Family Feud at the long in the old days. Mhm. And they had the grandma, you know,
00:26:56
at the end. And they go, "Name someone known for spooky movies." And this is, by the way,
00:27:03
in the ' 80s. So someone says, "Bella Losce," and it was a ding. And then they go,
00:27:08
"Come on, grandma." And she's like, and she's got the last ax. And she goes,
00:27:13
"Red skeleton skeleton." And everyone goes,
00:27:19
and they're like, "Okay, hopefully." And he goes,
00:27:25
[Music] he didn't even get to show me Red Skeleton cuz his name is Red Skeleton.
00:27:32
Oh, Red Skeleton. Now, for those people don't know, he was this comedian from the 40s and movies and then he had a
00:27:38
show and he had these two characters and he say good night and God bless. So,
00:27:44
he was like I played the golden nugget in Re. Red Skeleton was
00:27:50
a headliner. No, he was just there a lot. So, I'm in the this suite they gave him in the bed and there's just a
00:27:57
gigantic black and white photo of Red Scout, right? I'm trying to go to sleep and he's like lording over me. And then
00:28:04
I go backstage and they used to torture an elephant. They had a trained elephant that would jump around and the only
00:28:09
thing that was left was this big metal thing attached to the cement and the chain that I guess Clarence was attached
00:28:16
to and they didn't remove it. Right. Before I go on, I got to see an animal torture device. Okay. Look,
00:28:22
those That's That's a Don't get me going on animal torture. Don't like it. I'd rather have him torture Red
00:28:27
Skeleton. All right. So, let's get to some videos of news and then we'll wrap up. Get to the airport and we'll get you out
00:28:34
of here. We All right. I'm good. A single night I'm going to read this. A
00:28:39
single night of poor sleep can make you 60% more reactive to negative emotions
00:28:45
the next day. I would say it would make you more negative just straight up the
00:28:51
next day. Well, maybe the reason h guys this person's having poor sleep is because
00:28:57
they're just redundantly thinking negative thoughts. Or he's doing what I do on every road
00:29:02
gig where the [ __ ] sun goes in your eyes right when you wake up at 6:00 in the morning and he didn't close them all
00:29:08
the way. Look, the sun goes right. His neck is bent up. He's got bright light in his face and he's just going,
00:29:14
"Why didn't I sleep well?" Oh, that guy. I thought it was Zack Efron, but I think that's just an AI.
00:29:20
Tired guy. Is that what you have to put in chat GBD? Give me a tired guy. It's unbeliev That's definitely AI, man.
00:29:27
[ __ ] AI. Get out. That's [ __ ] AI. That's [ __ ] AI, bro. Let's say hi, man. Say hi. AI, man.
00:29:35
Bro, no. Chill. I want to be that guy. I want to be that guy, you know? Oh, it's cool. It's cool, bro. too, man. You
00:29:42
know, I got you. I got your back, bro. You know, whatever you want, man. I get for you, you know. Hey, it's chill. You
00:29:47
know, I appreciate you, bro. I appreciate you so much. Whenever I fast talking con guy in a movie.
00:29:54
Well, you know, I do. I've always been generous because I I lived off tips. But when I tip now, people are more
00:30:01
appreciative because of [ __ ] inflation and the world's so expensive. And sometimes I I'll get 20s stacked in
00:30:07
my jacket and I'm just like hitting people sometimes going in, going out. He goes, "Yo, bro, I got to thank you, man.
00:30:14
You know, times are tough, you know, and I know you've given me four 20s today, but could uh you know, could I get
00:30:20
another one? Make it an even five. Why don't we make it stingy? [ __ ] Could you could you make it a C note?" I
00:30:25
go, I don't have anything on me. Well, then [ __ ] you, bro. You know what? Yeah, hoard it all. Take it with you.
00:30:31
You know, I will say you're not going to get written up in the Daily Mail by tipping under 100%. And you won't even
00:30:38
get written up then. You you need to leave five grand or something. You know that that's a good trick to be like, "Hey,
00:30:45
publicist just left five grand tip at [ __ ] Benigans. You know what to do."
00:30:52
I think you know what to do. It's right and just. If you you have a few what do you call it? Beans in your
00:30:58
jeans. Yeah. Spread them around. spread them around. So, at this hotel I stay at in LA a lot, this this grandmother
00:31:07
uh does room service, which I used to do, bringing the tray and it's like, you know, and she's a grandmother seem to,
00:31:13
you know, so I do uh help her out because grandma grandma is working her
00:31:19
ass off. You know what? I read an article about that. It said Dana Carvey shadows grandmother for a whole shift. Haha, you
00:31:26
can't win for a whole shift to study for a new movie called G won't let grandmother alone.
00:31:35
By the way, Heather, I just dropped the lid to those papayas and I tried to put on this thing three times and that's why I said [ __ ] you [ __ ] lid. I was so
00:31:42
mad. It fell three times while Dana's telling this the audience, not me. Oh my god.
00:31:48
What's falling? Cuz I I adjust. I put on a hat halfway through. I'm trying to get Superman and the fly in the wall. I got
00:31:54
the plan. I'm adjusting. Yeah, I can't read fly on the wall in that box back there. But Heather, can you believe
00:31:59
I did that three times right there? I I That thing weighs 300. Put it back on. That's what I was trying
00:32:04
not to do. Oh, here's my papayas. Here's a lid that slips and you can't ever get it down.
00:32:10
Like an ad on Instagram. And then and then it and then I put it on the table which is 3 in and this is
00:32:17
four. And so it just kept falling and then I putting and falling. And you're telling that story and I'm like, god
00:32:23
damn Dana, I'm going to lose him in this story about his parents talking about foods. Yeah, bro. I I feel you, bro. Man, that's
00:32:29
that's a I know what you're saying, man. Because like sometimes you go for a piece of fruit and it's like not good
00:32:35
inside, right? And you're like, you don't want to get mad at the fruit, you peel it, and you go, I don't think it's going to work for me, bro. You know, but sometimes I'll just
00:32:41
eat it anyway, you know? Cuz everything that deserves it to come to fruition, no pun intended.
00:32:46
Fruitition. It's my new character called Bro Guy. It's a little bit of gar. I appreciate I appreciate you, bro.
00:32:54
Hey, bro. I like the guy that constantly keeps shaking your hand before they leave. Hey, man. Come on. Bring it in, dude. You're [ __ ] the best, dude.
00:33:00
Hey, man. Come on. Good to see you. Hey, best luck to you. Hey, come on. Bring it. Remember those khaki pants I had that
00:33:06
you wanted to get a hold of from the g? I did get them. I did get them, dude. They existed. They weren't changed.
00:33:11
No, they did. They go, "Only one person has ever bought these in history?" No, but the guy came in and goes, "Oh, I
00:33:17
mean room service guy comes in." Man, bro, where'd you get those pants? I go, "Really? They're $10 at the Gap."
00:33:23
I told you I liked them, too. I know your eyes. You know what you're doing, dude. You look cool.
00:33:30
All right, one more story. Even though we've only done two. Mhm. Here we go. Oh, this one.
00:33:36
Tell me if you're into this. Okay. Should we read that first? No.
00:33:41
bad news, but Sweden has officially done it while everyone was distracted. This is what they're
00:33:47
You like this or you don't like this literally into your country as we speak. And this is why everything is happening
00:33:53
by design. So that you put a chip in your hand. Stick around and watch
00:33:59
when Elas goes to work. And that's the biometric and he doesn't need money. In fact, much
00:34:07
of what he needs to get through the day. I mean, this is so close to what we do anyway. Just below the surface in his hand.
00:34:13
I touch it. Yeah. Oh, weird. Yeah. It's like a piece of
00:34:18
embedded in his hand is a microchip. Here's a real piece of rice.
00:34:25
Yeah, it's all I can't get over the guy in the beginning. Turn it off. We get it. So, he buys everything, does everything all
00:34:32
day. It's like a credit card. Do you want it or do you not? Is it good or is it bad?
00:34:37
Um, I I know it's it's coming. I know it's the future. Chip, you're getting one later today. So, let me know when we have to get one for the
00:34:44
podcast. I got a little distracted for baby boomers cuz the guy in the beginning looked like the grandson of Dr. Smith
00:34:50
from Lost in Space. Can we put that picture up again? Just the guy from the beginning, that thing with the first guy,
00:34:55
the slits for eyes. Can we put that up? The stoner dude trying to tell the story. Please stand by. We'll get it standby
00:35:04
because I never got past that. But I do think biometric chips, but then you can't get it. You can't
00:35:10
take it out. Well, I mean, they know where you are. I guess that's the problem.
00:35:16
Mhm. It's like having that guy. Hey, what? Yeah.
00:35:22
[ __ ] I woke up and found this store. Do you think it's [ __ ] nuts? Look at his mustache. Is a full McDonald's.
00:35:28
The microchips are are not that exciting. M from McDonald's. Well, bro, I'll be honest, man. I don't know if that's a
00:35:33
real nose, a real eyes, or a real mustache, man. But it's cool look.
00:35:42
Okay, one more and then we got to get Dana. I got to I got to let you go. Oh, we are now boarding. Please, we can
00:35:48
push back if everyone takes a seat. We're holding for Dana Carvey to get here. Holding for the church. Okay.
00:35:53
Okay, let's see what this is. We've been talking about mysterious automatic photos on iPhones. I've had that. Wild and crazy Friday night findings. We
00:36:01
just discovered, which we already knew, that your phone, an iPhone specifically, takes an infrared picture of you with
00:36:07
your Face ID every fiveish seconds. And we You ever heard of this? Can we talk about this?
00:36:12
And it's pretty wild. Let's show you. Okay. Have your home screen. It's on the home screen. Not touching anything.
00:36:18
Nothing. Okay. Infrared lens on the camera. Boom. There was one.
00:36:25
Two. That's so wild. Okay. Why would it do that? Okay. So, oh, there is another one. Okay. Nothing.
00:36:32
Oh, it blocks it. Oh, it's trying. It's taking pictures of your finger. Okay. Move your finger. Ready?
00:36:38
What does it want? I'm not sure what I'm looking at exactly. Well, the phone takes snapshots of you
00:36:44
every 5 seconds when you face yourself. Why? And it doesn't stop. I mean, how long? I
00:36:50
mean, I think it does it when it when you flip the camera around, possibly. Is that
00:36:56
Sometimes they do uh ID on my iPhone and the little green thing shows up and you
00:37:01
hold face ID, right? Face ID. And then you're so hung over it doesn't it goes, "Who are you?" And you go,
00:37:06
"This is just a distorted version of me." Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. All right. Should we leave
00:37:13
leave on that clunker or do you want to do one more? No, let's do one more. Is Let's Let's go out with a banger.
00:37:19
Impossible. Let's try it. Would
00:37:26
this be the Oh, this will gross you out. Okay, go ahead. Play. Don't even jump ahead. Image of this huge hair clump that was
00:37:32
blocking a drainage pipe. This is Heather's drain person's house in Madison, Wisconsin. So Dave Porer has 10
00:37:40
daughters and wife. They have three sets of twins amongst their daughters, which is just incredible. And he says always
00:37:47
get clogged up. He sometimes snake. We work in sewage and bus boys. This
00:37:52
should be a scene. He knows some tricks and tips. Oh my god. Yes. DVD extras here. It's just he hasn't
00:37:57
been able. But I I believe it should be able to talk. Hired a plumber. That thing should speak.
00:38:04
That's how it is. So 10 daughters. I am. And he keeps getting healed in there.
00:38:11
You think Drano is going to kill that monster? Well, when did it clog? When it was like just 10 feet long. I mean, when does it
00:38:17
just It's still There's still more hair going in. Where's They have to tear the
00:38:23
house down. Backing up. I don't know. But let me see these freak
00:38:28
kids with the hair. Do they have any left on their head? They're all bald. I just I feel like it
00:38:35
just it it be it gains sentience which is like almost became human. And I think
00:38:41
it was like me like hair clog. Me getting stronger. need more daughters
00:38:47
with multiple shampoos per day where hairs fall out. Why are you being so
00:38:53
specific, hair monster? I don't know. I I'm not having a not having a great day
00:38:58
cuz I'm trending and I like to be secret in the sewer. Yeah, they found me out. That one tastes
00:39:04
like Celson blue. I don't like it. Sell some blue. Good one. You know what I like? I like suave.
00:39:10
Shockingly, I like pearl. If I can get a mouth full of p and hair, I'm a happy
00:39:17
sewer monster. No one even knows what pll is. I like that you ran with that.
00:39:22
Well, prowl's from the 60s, right? So funny. Christ s I just took the top off again. Heather,
00:39:28
I'm doing it again cuz I'm going to eat this. All right. Anyway, um we will tell
00:39:33
you on the next show how it went when I took the top off for the fourth time,
00:39:38
right? Um we're open to any ideas. We're going to We have some exciting news next
00:39:44
week. Yes, we'll tell you next week. So, get you next week. All right. Thanks for watching.
00:39:49
Goodbye everybody. Goodbye. [Music]
00:39:55
Hey guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us a
00:40:02
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00:40:08
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00:40:14
an executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman, Mattie Sprung Kaiser, and
00:40:21
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00:40:28
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00:40:37
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00:40:43
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