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Welcome to the show. Uh, obviously we didn't get to talk about Jimmy Kimmel last week. We'll talk about him this week in a minute.
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You have a few minutes we're going to weigh in on that entire situation and um I don't want to brag, but probably our
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point of view will be the wisest maybe or just most important most important. So anyway, to more
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important news, hey, how was your weekend co-host? So when I did this show this weekend, it
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was for farm uh farm to veterans. So, you know, it's it's it's a charity show in Chicago. This guy Tom Tran uh was on the show with me. He went
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first and um it's funny cuz he had to kind of host the whole thing and he showed us these glasses he had on. I go, "That was a mouthful there." He goes, "Oh, yeah. Just put these glasses out and the teleprompterss in them." Have
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you know Have you seen those? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Very hip. I have not seen those. Is that what Mark
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Zuckerberg's working on? something like that where oh the meta glasses are a miracle really
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for people who are blind they just make you comp my mother-in-law is 94 and has trouble seeing so she'll hold up a can
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of something and say meta what's in there and it'll read the ingredients oh I thought it was just like meta what's on Facebook and it would show it right there I think it I think it's all that too I
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think you just walk around with the glasses you put down your iPhone and just walk around with them you just go
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met up you Show me uh CNN.com right now and it will show up and you'll hear it. Yeah. So, I was also reading up on Jimmy Kimmel and a million other things on
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Yahoo News. Turned into my mom. And the funny thing is there was some dopey story. So, I went to their comments. I've already made one move. I went to the comments. They they love
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that. Okay. What are people saying about this? And it could be something, you know, about
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the poop cruise or it doesn't have to be anything important. I'm just like mindlessly drifting through and people
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have a thousands of comments about different things about the poop cruise or whatever. Millions. And then I go, "Oh, I have a funny joke
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I'm going to put in." And I click on it and says, "Would you like to join our crazy community of
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people that comment on Yahoo News?" I go, "No, thank you." I mean, they're making another thing I got to do. I'm
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going to really So then I go I know. Well, listen, I do have a lot of free time. I either have too much uh free
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time or none. But when I have too much, I don't still have the time to click it and log it and think of a password and
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give them my [ __ ] email immediately. You got to give me your email for anything. Oh yeah, they so they can [ __ ] carpet land and
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grab. My thing is like uh sometimes one of the things I subscribe to anyway, hey, would you like to weigh in Dana?
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It's just sort of like, whoa, hold on. Hey Dana, you've got some stupid [ __ ] to say. What do you have to say? And I'm a
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celebrity with a small C. But what is it? Is it like, "Hey, Brad Pitt, want to make a comment?" I don't know.
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Hey, Bradley. And going all that way to make a comment about something dumb that no one cares about. It's I go, "But man, thousands of
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people are doing it." Yeah. Millions. I'm going to go out on a limb. Yeah. I sound condescending, but it's
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like I like when people say that word wrong. I'm condescending. I I want to get orientated. That's not Wait, orientated is a word, I think. Wait. Yeah. Orientated.
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Orientated. But there's another one people say that I don't re reorientated. I would just say this
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about all this stuff. And I know it's not a news flash. Check yourself. If going online and
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being angry and posting and doing all this stuff makes you happy, go for it. If it makes you sad or
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furious, yeah, you might want to tamp it down a little bit because these algorithms, these machines,
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first they got us all hooked in like 2010, 111, 12 and it was just sort of to buy things and go here and there and now it's to incur rage and the algorithms know now that rage is the emotion that
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makes them the most money. So we are all five emotions on the board. Rage number
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one. Number one, so we're in a science fiction movie where these robots are making us really, really mad. I know this isn't new, but check
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yourself, man. I see people who are so in a state of hysteria about politics or anything or climate change or whatever, but you know, once in a while, give your brain a rest. That's my my my hot take.
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That's a [ __ ] boiling take. All right. Should we talk about Jimmy Kimmel? Why not? Jimmy, who is a friend of both of ours. Um, that's why it's hard to talk about these
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things because, you know, he's a buddy. I have a picture of me and Jimmy in my house. Do I have one of me and you?
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Yeah. Buried turned like this. I don't really go out much. There's not many of me photos of me. I'm
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underground, man. I'm just kind of a I got a picture of me and you in here. Don't you worry. When people say to me, "Oh my god, it's
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Dana Carvey." I go, "Calm down. I'm pathetically normal. That's the phrase that get really. Yeah.
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I'm pathetically normal. There's nothing here for you. Uh Jimmy Kimmel though, you know, I
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think also it's good to take a knee sometimes, not comment right away because now we're commenting after his
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monologue last night, which I thought was tremendous. You know, I really um thought it was perfect and uh it was emotional. I mean, I'm reading it here and this really about his thinking.
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Yeah. Read read some of it cuz I didn't see it. Yeah. It about his statement because when there's a shooter, each side wants
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it to be, you know, from the other side, you know, that's the competit that means
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you're all the shoot, you know. So, oh, you guys are bad. Yeah. That's the game going on. That's the quick thing.
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So, he made a statement. He said, "I that was really the opposite of the point I was trying to make." So he said, "But to some that felt felt
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illtimed or unclear or maybe both. And for those who think I did point a finger, I get why you're upset. If the
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situation was reversed, there's a good chance I would have felt the same way." So that's a, you know, I, you know,
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what's the word apology? I don't know. That's a kind of a pointed, you know, hat in hand, but that's that's
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definitely he's he's it's clear thinking, I think, you know, and it's it's both sides itis, which is great. And um you know, and before I go into
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the the whole FCC part of it, I was really moved. I saw the the Charlotte Kirk's widow and, you know, I'm familiar with, you know, tragedies and things like that. So, she really moved me and
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she did Jimmy Kimmel. Um, I did hear you said that. Yeah. Yeah. So, she if you believe in the teachings of Jesus as I do, there it is. That's it. A selfless act of grace,
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forgiving, forgiveness from a grieving widow. And it touched me deeply. That's Jimmy. Um, if there's anything we should
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take from this tragedy to carry forward, I hope it can be that and not this. So,
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I thought it was just and he was emotional about that because that thing, you know, in the end of the day, we're
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all Americans. somebody got assassinated, you know, and ideally we just come from it rather than political
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points. We just we just sort of take a grace be sad and move on. Yeah, sure. And
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everyone has their own thoughts about it, but yeah, I I agree. I mean, and the freedom of speech thing is is so murky
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and muddy and as is, you know, it's not a hot take for us to say we're all for freedom of speech. Sure. you know, um well, the Kucus clan could walk down streets
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and and say whatever they wanted. It was for when I was a little kid, it was like, oh, you you have to allow speech
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you really don't like for freedom of speech. I don't think they do that anymore. I think there's hate speech and then who
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decides what's hate speech? Is someone that you disagree with? That's hate to me. It's not hate to you. Uh, and also
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people, I mean, when you're on SNL, Charles Rocket got fired for saying [ __ ] And
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[ __ ] you always, like you say, there's layers to it. Like when I go on talk shows, I
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don't say whatever I want. I say, I'm going to talk about these things. They said, well, I'd rather you not. Why don't you talk about this? Why don't you
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talk about this? I wouldn't say that. And it's just so woven into your every day of what is free speech. There's no
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I mean I if if some boss above you, you know, people get fired and things like that. I thought I was glad Jimmy didn't get fired. He got sort of a slap on the wrist. And I it it's FCC, then it's
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affiliates, then it's advertisers. You're answering to so many people. And if they don't agree with you, then I
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think you everyone has a boss and they say, "I don't like what you're saying." So Eddie's very strong in his opinions.
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So he says them, but they took a pause and then I guess they fixed it. But I I didn't say anything cuz I thought I don't think he's going to be fired for that. I think they're going to say, "Hey, come on. Let's stop. Take a breath
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here." Basically one line. It is a there's different different layers to this. You know, just the first one, the chairman
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of the FCC, which which is maybe it's archaic or whatever. It's public broadcasting. It's ABC, CBS, NBC. It's
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not cable. It's not John Oliver. It's not It It's not HBO. Oh, it's just the it's just those for the public good. But when the guy came out and I would say to him to his face, I say, "When you say
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regards Jimmy Kimmel's whatever that's going to happen to him, we can do this the easy way or the hard way." It's like
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weird. That's when do those guys talk anyway? This guy's like on podcast. I'm like, "What?
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Where? Why am I seeing this guy talk? You don't see him a lot. Am I crazy?" Right. No, just be the FCC chairman.
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And he kind of steps in [ __ ] when he talks. It's like, "Oh, now we get to analyze everything you said. Right. And so that that push buttons uh
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for uh both sides really. Ted Cruz came out. No, no, no. Take it easy. Let's slow down. And um you know, I was when I did the
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Dana Carvey show. I like to bring things back to me, but this is 97 and we're after home improvement and we
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did some Clinton with teets and something that crushed the ratings and offended a lot of people. So we
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immediately started losing advertisers. We immediately started use losing affiliates and so we lasted eight episodes affiliates.
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I know I didn't know what a I say affiliates all the time. don't even know what they are for stations, you know, stations in cities. Chad,
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station WP. And so a lot of those stations, I don't know, some in Portland and Seattle
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didn't do it, but I thought in conservative states they might be more prone to that. But I wish the FCC chairman hadn't said
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that, you know. Um, but I think that the Jimmy's um talk last night, I think kind
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of put it in a completely different tilt, different conversation. Yeah, I would say not as much of an apology. So, he didn't really have to say his apology. I think it's more of just a levelheaded
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discussion. He was probably heated the first day when he doing his monologue. Of course,
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we all do that. Yeah. I mean, here's I looked up this a little bit and it kind of started like I did because there's two kinds of I looked it up. took five seconds, but
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like we do parse our words because I never want to be up there like, hey, I'm on TV and my opinion really matters. That's just me personally. So, I'm very
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very careful about teaching the audience. I'm always going for the laugh. I'm not saying this in a self-
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congratulatory way because sometimes you go, I want to weigh in on that. And we do in our own way, but it kind of
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started um in the early knots. John Stewart who's brilliant at the Daily Show really started going after Cheney and and Debia
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and all that and that was a very political show uh very funny and then it it it continued and it's for us from the Carson era you know we were just looking
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for laughs and this and that but so there and Greg Gutfeld does the right you know so this is a whole different
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era we're in but I try to think the last time the country was completely united. I'm going to give
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you a chance to guess. I would go back to 911. I don't know. That's it. Oh, really? Okay. Politics went out the window. And you
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kind of have to remember that when we don't have buildings falling down, you know. Yeah. We're Americans first and we argue and
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we, you know, we go crazy at each other. But if if someone attacks us, that's when we go, "Okay, hold on. Hey,
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but I I would I would go out on a limb and say it's still a great country overall. I'd rather be here than other
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countries. Uh but that's controversial. So now I'm thinking if you say America's a great country, that will that'll light up Twitter and stuff.
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No, [ __ ] you, man. I'm meaning it in the context I'm saying it. I like you're even explaining it. It's
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so funny. It's true, though. People get so mad about everything. back to I have I have a tragically stupid bit I could do for you, but it's
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too much of a change up from this and I have a bit I have a bit that I thought of that I'm gonna give to you
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because you're the guy. Okay, good. Give me that first and then that'll bomb and then I'll I'll be I'll do the one. Well, I was laughing, you know, at the
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your Jason Strait. Oh, yeah. The clip we had last night. It's funny that he just says the title
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of the movie and that's kind of basically I'm the beekeeper, you know, I'm the wicked man. So, I thought, what
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if he had an unwieldy thing? I'm the baker. And then you do it after me. I'm the baker down the street who
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specializes in apple pie. It's very unwieldly, but he has to say it menacingly. I'm the baker down the
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street who specializes in apple pie. Oh, I'm the you mess with the wrong baker cuz I walk down the street at the cobbler store and
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it's kind of kitty corner from where you Well, well then it's but say especially I
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specialize in apple pie like like you I'm going to kill you. No, I can't remember the whole bit though.
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But I'm the baker. There you go. You do it better anyway. I don't think so. I go too. I I go
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Michael Kane immediately. I'm the baker down the street and I specialize in apple pie. Okay, that's like it's a threat. Yeah, that was a beekeeper is good
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because like you said, keep it [ __ ] simple. We did some pickups on bus boys this weekend because
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there's some there's some questions when you see it like questions we try to answer like
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why did you do this movie? What is this movie? I don't understand this movie. Oh, clarity.
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Yeah. So, we did some clarity clarity and uh it was kind of fun to be back in the wig.
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Snug it on little WD4 [Music] WD40 doesn't go like it's got that little straw, does it? It's got the straw in your mind. Straw, but it doesn't go.
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No, no, no. But the squeaky attach your skull. Then what happened? Then what happened? Don't be so
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unenthused. Then what happened? I did some pickups. more clarifying, not re-shoots, just like oh this now listen
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is it [ __ ] Casablanca I don't know what's a good movie is it Inception we got to answer all the questions Christ sakes what are
00:15:54
Budley what are you making dumb and unbelievably dumber what is this return of the Pink Panther
00:16:01
part 17 what are you going for you know anything with Dennis cuz we can't go a goddamn show without Dennis. It's so good. I know. Well, this is Yeah, just Dennis. All right, here's I'm going to do an act
00:16:13
out for you. Ready? This is I watch those locked up abroad shows where you go through customs and everyone's trying to smuggle [ __ ] and they never learn. You know, you smuggle stuff in through
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the TSA. Okay, that's the setup, right? Okay, that's the setup. Got it. So, the guy brings the suitcase full of like we see on the I get alerted in my earpiece. I'm the customs guy, right?
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This is gonna [ __ ] bomb. I'm the customs guy. I love it. And then I get alerted. This guy's got in the X-ray machine 20 pounds of
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cocaine. So they walk up to me and I go, "Hey, how you doing today?" Friendly and they're nervous. What are we doing here? Let me check out that passport.
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Okay. Oh, Brazil. Fun. A lot of cute girls there. I wish I was in Brazil right now. It's a fun time. So, what do we got going here? A little business trip. little pleasure.
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I already know already. And he's like, "Oh, it's a business." Okay. All right. Well, uh, you mind if we take a little look seeie in here? Uh, just typical. We pull random people out. Just
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unzip it. Check it. You don't mind if I take I'm sure everything's fine. Oh, boy. Oh, my shoulder's so sore. You got
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to get a purple one. You know, my friend has a purple suitcase. Open it up. That seems fine here. Let me
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just dig through a little bit. That's all. All I know in my head he's got 20 pounds of coco. Okay. Anything you want
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to tell me? Anything? It's all good. It's all good. Should I keep digging? Doesn't matter. Oh. Oh, you got a teddy
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bear here. Oh. Any reason it weighs 80 pounds? Take them away. But I build up trust. I'm friendly the whole time. That's what they do. No, that's a funny observation. They do
00:17:52
that. What's What's going on here? You see a guy lighting a bong. The guy's like sweating. Hey, you guys
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having a little party? I just I assume they're trained at some place in that pattern. probably their first attempt in
00:18:04
class might be terrible. Hey, uh, what are you doing? No, no, no. I got to come in soft. Yeah. What what they want to say is, "This guy looks guilty from my racial
00:18:15
profiling. Can you come over here?" So, they can't say that. So, they go, "Hey, we're randomly pulling people that are
00:18:21
drenched in sweat out of the out of the line." I'm going to my favorite place today. I'm going to the airport.
00:18:27
You are not. Yeah. No, Dana. I love it. All shoes, keys, everything comes out. Laptops, laptops, watches, belts.
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I love Dude, Heather made the mistake this week. She brought water. What a criminal. Didn't you bring your water
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through? It's okay. I was going to refill it. She was going to refill it, but the guy's like like he caught the big
00:18:54
[ __ ] mob boss and she's like, "Right, my water." Yeah. What do you want me to do? Just can I just [ __ ] go? And he's
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like, "Oh, I wish it was that simple." Don't you remember 9/11? Not much. She's like, "I don't remember them throwing water on anyone." So then she has to go back, dump it.
00:19:12
Okay. Secret cuz I saw it in Denver. My mother-in-law, we were going through the Denver airport. My mother-in-law walks fine, but it's like seven miles to get to the gate. Oh, Denver's ridiculous,
00:19:25
you know. I have, you know. So anyway, so my wife and I are behind her and we have a guide with her and we're just blowing
00:19:32
through doors. We're just going everywhere. A guide. A guide taking us past this, waving at
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me. Everybody's happy. Go, go, go. That's the way to go through it. Otherwise, it's like, uh, how you guys doing today? You know what the worst part is? The guy
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goes, like if you get a greeter and they go, they get like eight bags, they go, okay, beep beep. The guy goes, "Hey, I
00:19:55
got us a little cart cuz it's about a mile." And I go, "No, I want to walk. We got an hour." He's like, "Yeah,
00:20:01
huh." And I'm like, "You can ride if you want." No, I'm going to walk with these guys.
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Then I tip the lady cuz she pulled her card up that I didn't ask for. Anyway, then we walk and the guy's like, all
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he's thinking is, "Why does this prick want to walk?" And I'm like, "Cuz I just I'm going to sit for six hours, dude." Well, and also you you going through and you're David Spade, you look like Miss
00:20:25
America or something. They're all walking. Hello. I'm on TV. Yeah. Beep. They're always
00:20:32
like, "Man, get the [ __ ] out of the way. We got whoever this is." Yeah. It's the guy from that thing that
00:20:38
you saw on that thing over. You better. You know him. You know him. Come on, man.
00:20:44
Oh, Heather like this one. We did our re-shoots the other day or whatever we called them and we're at this little
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beach bungalow. I don't want to give the whole movie away. Heather knows the guy that the guy that
00:20:56
rents you the place. This is all our favorite term inside baseball. Meanwhile, it's never about baseball. So, he goes, um, he's a guy, nice
00:21:06
looking guy with big hot dog bags under his eyes, right? This is other people's words. So,
00:21:13
well, he's he's an older gentleman and he owns the the four little shacks on the beach. We we were looking for sort
00:21:19
of an inexpensive little Oh, I see. little apartment. He bought in 1958. Go ahead.
00:21:24
Honestly, he's had it for 40 years. 40 years. So, he paid 30 years. So, actually, it's the It was like a good color blue. It looks like I'm such
00:21:30
an artiste. Anyway, it just looks cool and it's the kind I used to dream of staying in. Little tiny crash pad. Go to the beach every day. Good. So, he's there and he goes
00:21:40
and of course they rent it. So, there's supposed to be nowhere near the premises, right? There's supposed to be
00:21:46
nowhere. Anyway, he's right in front. Yeah. And he's right in front. He's supposed to get lost, pal. We're paying for Which one of you people's famous?
00:21:53
That's what he says. And I go, "Uh, and we're all just looking around." I go, "Well, we all are. We're all just trying to make a
00:21:58
movie. No one's really that famous." And then then Heather goes, "Oh, he was on Scient Live." And he goes, "Oh." Zero's
00:22:04
in on me. Okay. Really squinting and trying to soak me all in. Nothing's registering.
00:22:12
Like not enough, but okay. Maybe I take your picture with me. What's that accent?
00:22:20
That's what he sounded like. No, he's I don't know. I I was hoping he'd say, "Hey, did you know that uh that Dana Garney guy, that
00:22:26
church lady guy? That guy was a kick in the pants." You know, no. Then you are a kick in the pants.
00:22:32
But it's not. It's he's just an older landlord. And then he goes, "Right, I'd take your picture with you." I go, "Take my picture with me?" Yeah. Okay.
00:22:43
So, we take a picture. And then he's like, and I know he's now he's starting to send it around like, "Who the [ __ ] is
00:22:48
this guy?" And then he goes, "What's your name?" And I tell him, he's got he's getting his accent's getting more messy.
00:22:53
Really, it's a little all over the place. I like it. And then he goes, "Uh, spell it." Um,
00:23:00
it's getting more humiliating. I'm like, "Well, we got to shoot in a second, but yeah, here it is." Blah, blah. Then I leave. And then he's got Heather and now
00:23:06
he's grilling Heather on why am I famous? What have I done? Am I really famous? That guy do that. That guy doesn't seem
00:23:14
funny to me. Oh, spell my name three times. Yeah. And then still when I leave, he's
00:23:20
like, you know, and I'm like, why do you need the spelling? You're going to [ __ ] tag me on TikTok, dude. Just don't worry
00:23:26
about it. You got the picture. Show it to someone. At some point, someone will go, yeah, okay, I know who that guy is.
00:23:32
Would you guess that that guy's retired or working full-time? He's retired. He's renting all those out and uh and he's happy as a clam.
00:23:44
And then each little beach bungalow has like two beat up chairs from tangs made of wicker for the last 40 years. And one of the crew guys is sitting on one and I see him. It's way down the end. He's
00:23:55
like this. I know. He's like, I don't like it, but I'm not going to say anything.
00:24:01
He's like the beekeeper. I'm the beach keeper. I'm the beach keeper. I attack celebrities with stupid questions. Beach keeper is great. I'm the beach keeper and I annoy
00:24:14
celebrities and and I'm like, can someone give this guy his $24 for the half day rental so
00:24:20
we can just wrap it up with him? I I think here's an observation. Oh, he's retired. When my dad retired, the
00:24:28
minutia of he and my mom, what they would talk about, he'd be in a grocery store. Oh, Jesus Christ. Why did they have the water over here? What's that
00:24:39
about? Or driving down the street. Oh. Oh, they Oh, the parking lot they put in. Why' they Why' they put in a parking
00:24:46
lot? So, everything was just like, "What? Bots are so skinny." Yeah. Oh, look, a tree. You know what?
00:24:54
What about it? It's a tree. That's all. And then she has an opinion, too. I like
00:24:59
trees here. This store is our favorite, but they moved where the water was made. Why?
00:25:08
Oh, Jesus Christ. We don't Why do they have to change things? And then he goes, "Oh, I'm sorry. We
00:25:14
boring you, LA boy." And you're like, "Sort of." He said to me once, and I kind of agreed with him. He goes, "Oh, music was simply
00:25:21
better in the 50s." You know, Frank, well, I don't know. I like the Beatles, but yeah. Uh, but that guy, it sounds like you ran into a retired guy with a
00:25:31
capital R living off rent. And so to you, you were like a shiny object like, "Oh my god, some something new."
00:25:38
They have cameras and this guy was on television. I don't have a [ __ ] clue who he was until Heather told me, "Who's Heather?" His friend said he's on TV, but I go,
00:25:51
"He doesn't look like he's on TV." She promised he's famous. She promised. and really famous. I want to get Adam Sandler. I get David Spudley. Yeah. The
00:26:04
last guy he ran to that place to is Red Skeleton. Also, Charlotte McKenny's in it and she
00:26:10
had a scene in that place and I wanted to say it was Margot Robbie cuz she's blonde and I couldn't do it cuz she
00:26:17
would have killed her. But then later she said I said, "Did you ever talk to a guy?" She goes, "The owner?" I go,
00:26:22
"Yeah." She goes, "Yeah." I go, "Did you have a lot of questions?" She goes, "Yes." Jesus Christ. You
00:26:28
because he's just zeroing it. And then the directory found. What else have you done? What do you do? Just point camera.
00:26:37
Everything was quite not enough to impress him. The last guy found out on was Buddy Hacket circa 1967.
00:26:44
Okay. Here, I'll tell you a good joke. I just like the Red Skeleton reference. I already told you this is another punch
00:26:50
line. They were on Family Feud at the long in the old days. Mhm. And they had the grandma, you know,
00:26:56
at the end. And they go, "Name someone known for spooky movies." And this is, by the way,
00:27:03
in the ' 80s. So someone says, "Bella Losce," and it was a ding. And then they go,
00:27:08
"Come on, grandma." And she's like, and she's got the last ax. And she goes, "Red skeleton skeleton." And everyone goes,
00:27:19
and they're like, "Okay, hopefully." And he goes, [Music] he didn't even get to show me Red Skeleton cuz his name is Red Skeleton.
00:27:32
Oh, Red Skeleton. Now, for those people don't know, he was this comedian from the 40s and movies and then he had a
00:27:38
show and he had these two characters and he say good night and God bless. So, he was like I played the golden nugget in Re. Red Skeleton was
00:27:50
a headliner. No, he was just there a lot. So, I'm in the this suite they gave him in the bed and there's just a
00:27:57
gigantic black and white photo of Red Scout, right? I'm trying to go to sleep and he's like lording over me. And then
00:28:04
I go backstage and they used to torture an elephant. They had a trained elephant that would jump around and the only
00:28:09
thing that was left was this big metal thing attached to the cement and the chain that I guess Clarence was attached
00:28:16
to and they didn't remove it. Right. Before I go on, I got to see an animal torture device. Okay. Look,
00:28:22
those That's That's a Don't get me going on animal torture. Don't like it. I'd rather have him torture Red
00:28:27
Skeleton. All right. So, let's get to some videos of news and then we'll wrap up. Get to the airport and we'll get you out
00:28:34
of here. We All right. I'm good. A single night I'm going to read this. A single night of poor sleep can make you 60% more reactive to negative emotions
00:28:45
the next day. I would say it would make you more negative just straight up the next day. Well, maybe the reason h guys this person's having poor sleep is because
00:28:57
they're just redundantly thinking negative thoughts. Or he's doing what I do on every road
00:29:02
gig where the [ __ ] sun goes in your eyes right when you wake up at 6:00 in the morning and he didn't close them all
00:29:08
the way. Look, the sun goes right. His neck is bent up. He's got bright light in his face and he's just going,
00:29:14
"Why didn't I sleep well?" Oh, that guy. I thought it was Zack Efron, but I think that's just an AI.
00:29:20
Tired guy. Is that what you have to put in chat GBD? Give me a tired guy. It's unbeliev That's definitely AI, man.
00:29:27
[ __ ] AI. Get out. That's [ __ ] AI. That's [ __ ] AI, bro. Let's say hi, man. Say hi. AI, man.
00:29:35
Bro, no. Chill. I want to be that guy. I want to be that guy, you know? Oh, it's cool. It's cool, bro. too, man. You
00:29:42
know, I got you. I got your back, bro. You know, whatever you want, man. I get for you, you know. Hey, it's chill. You
00:29:47
know, I appreciate you, bro. I appreciate you so much. Whenever I fast talking con guy in a movie.
00:29:54
Well, you know, I do. I've always been generous because I I lived off tips. But when I tip now, people are more
00:30:01
appreciative because of [ __ ] inflation and the world's so expensive. And sometimes I I'll get 20s stacked in
00:30:07
my jacket and I'm just like hitting people sometimes going in, going out. He goes, "Yo, bro, I got to thank you, man.
00:30:14
You know, times are tough, you know, and I know you've given me four 20s today, but could uh you know, could I get
00:30:20
another one? Make it an even five. Why don't we make it stingy? [ __ ] Could you could you make it a C note?" I
00:30:25
go, I don't have anything on me. Well, then [ __ ] you, bro. You know what? Yeah, hoard it all. Take it with you.
00:30:31
You know, I will say you're not going to get written up in the Daily Mail by tipping under 100%. And you won't even
00:30:38
get written up then. You you need to leave five grand or something. You know that that's a good trick to be like, "Hey,
00:30:45
publicist just left five grand tip at [ __ ] Benigans. You know what to do." I think you know what to do. It's right and just. If you you have a few what do you call it? Beans in your
00:30:58
jeans. Yeah. Spread them around. spread them around. So, at this hotel I stay at in LA a lot, this this grandmother
00:31:07
uh does room service, which I used to do, bringing the tray and it's like, you know, and she's a grandmother seem to,
00:31:13
you know, so I do uh help her out because grandma grandma is working her ass off. You know what? I read an article about that. It said Dana Carvey shadows grandmother for a whole shift. Haha, you
00:31:26
can't win for a whole shift to study for a new movie called G won't let grandmother alone.
00:31:35
By the way, Heather, I just dropped the lid to those papayas and I tried to put on this thing three times and that's why I said [ __ ] you [ __ ] lid. I was so
00:31:42
mad. It fell three times while Dana's telling this the audience, not me. Oh my god.
00:31:48
What's falling? Cuz I I adjust. I put on a hat halfway through. I'm trying to get Superman and the fly in the wall. I got
00:31:54
the plan. I'm adjusting. Yeah, I can't read fly on the wall in that box back there. But Heather, can you believe
00:31:59
I did that three times right there? I I That thing weighs 300. Put it back on. That's what I was trying
00:32:04
not to do. Oh, here's my papayas. Here's a lid that slips and you can't ever get it down.
00:32:10
Like an ad on Instagram. And then and then it and then I put it on the table which is 3 in and this is
00:32:17
four. And so it just kept falling and then I putting and falling. And you're telling that story and I'm like, god
00:32:23
damn Dana, I'm going to lose him in this story about his parents talking about foods. Yeah, bro. I I feel you, bro. Man, that's
00:32:29
that's a I know what you're saying, man. Because like sometimes you go for a piece of fruit and it's like not good
00:32:35
inside, right? And you're like, you don't want to get mad at the fruit, you peel it, and you go, I don't think it's going to work for me, bro. You know, but sometimes I'll just
00:32:41
eat it anyway, you know? Cuz everything that deserves it to come to fruition, no pun intended.
00:32:46
Fruitition. It's my new character called Bro Guy. It's a little bit of gar. I appreciate I appreciate you, bro.
00:32:54
Hey, bro. I like the guy that constantly keeps shaking your hand before they leave. Hey, man. Come on. Bring it in, dude. You're [ __ ] the best, dude.
00:33:00
Hey, man. Come on. Good to see you. Hey, best luck to you. Hey, come on. Bring it. Remember those khaki pants I had that
00:33:06
you wanted to get a hold of from the g? I did get them. I did get them, dude. They existed. They weren't changed.
00:33:11
No, they did. They go, "Only one person has ever bought these in history?" No, but the guy came in and goes, "Oh, I
00:33:17
mean room service guy comes in." Man, bro, where'd you get those pants? I go, "Really? They're $10 at the Gap."
00:33:23
I told you I liked them, too. I know your eyes. You know what you're doing, dude. You look cool.
00:33:30
All right, one more story. Even though we've only done two. Mhm. Here we go. Oh, this one.
00:33:36
Tell me if you're into this. Okay. Should we read that first? No. bad news, but Sweden has officially done it while everyone was distracted. This is what they're
00:33:47
You like this or you don't like this literally into your country as we speak. And this is why everything is happening
00:33:53
by design. So that you put a chip in your hand. Stick around and watch when Elas goes to work. And that's the biometric and he doesn't need money. In fact, much
00:34:07
of what he needs to get through the day. I mean, this is so close to what we do anyway. Just below the surface in his hand.
00:34:13
I touch it. Yeah. Oh, weird. Yeah. It's like a piece of embedded in his hand is a microchip. Here's a real piece of rice.
00:34:25
Yeah, it's all I can't get over the guy in the beginning. Turn it off. We get it. So, he buys everything, does everything all
00:34:32
day. It's like a credit card. Do you want it or do you not? Is it good or is it bad?
00:34:37
Um, I I know it's it's coming. I know it's the future. Chip, you're getting one later today. So, let me know when we have to get one for the
00:34:44
podcast. I got a little distracted for baby boomers cuz the guy in the beginning looked like the grandson of Dr. Smith
00:34:50
from Lost in Space. Can we put that picture up again? Just the guy from the beginning, that thing with the first guy,
00:34:55
the slits for eyes. Can we put that up? The stoner dude trying to tell the story. Please stand by. We'll get it standby
00:35:04
because I never got past that. But I do think biometric chips, but then you can't get it. You can't
00:35:10
take it out. Well, I mean, they know where you are. I guess that's the problem. Mhm. It's like having that guy. Hey, what? Yeah.
00:35:22
[ __ ] I woke up and found this store. Do you think it's [ __ ] nuts? Look at his mustache. Is a full McDonald's.
00:35:28
The microchips are are not that exciting. M from McDonald's. Well, bro, I'll be honest, man. I don't know if that's a
00:35:33
real nose, a real eyes, or a real mustache, man. But it's cool look. Okay, one more and then we got to get Dana. I got to I got to let you go. Oh, we are now boarding. Please, we can
00:35:48
push back if everyone takes a seat. We're holding for Dana Carvey to get here. Holding for the church. Okay.
00:35:53
Okay, let's see what this is. We've been talking about mysterious automatic photos on iPhones. I've had that. Wild and crazy Friday night findings. We
00:36:01
just discovered, which we already knew, that your phone, an iPhone specifically, takes an infrared picture of you with
00:36:07
your Face ID every fiveish seconds. And we You ever heard of this? Can we talk about this?
00:36:12
And it's pretty wild. Let's show you. Okay. Have your home screen. It's on the home screen. Not touching anything.
00:36:18
Nothing. Okay. Infrared lens on the camera. Boom. There was one. Two. That's so wild. Okay. Why would it do that? Okay. So, oh, there is another one. Okay. Nothing.
00:36:32
Oh, it blocks it. Oh, it's trying. It's taking pictures of your finger. Okay. Move your finger. Ready?
00:36:38
What does it want? I'm not sure what I'm looking at exactly. Well, the phone takes snapshots of you
00:36:44
every 5 seconds when you face yourself. Why? And it doesn't stop. I mean, how long? I
00:36:50
mean, I think it does it when it when you flip the camera around, possibly. Is that
00:36:56
Sometimes they do uh ID on my iPhone and the little green thing shows up and you
00:37:01
hold face ID, right? Face ID. And then you're so hung over it doesn't it goes, "Who are you?" And you go,
00:37:06
"This is just a distorted version of me." Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. All right. Should we leave
00:37:13
leave on that clunker or do you want to do one more? No, let's do one more. Is Let's Let's go out with a banger.
00:37:19
Impossible. Let's try it. Would this be the Oh, this will gross you out. Okay, go ahead. Play. Don't even jump ahead. Image of this huge hair clump that was
00:37:32
blocking a drainage pipe. This is Heather's drain person's house in Madison, Wisconsin. So Dave Porer has 10
00:37:40
daughters and wife. They have three sets of twins amongst their daughters, which is just incredible. And he says always
00:37:47
get clogged up. He sometimes snake. We work in sewage and bus boys. This should be a scene. He knows some tricks and tips. Oh my god. Yes. DVD extras here. It's just he hasn't
00:37:57
been able. But I I believe it should be able to talk. Hired a plumber. That thing should speak.
00:38:04
That's how it is. So 10 daughters. I am. And he keeps getting healed in there. You think Drano is going to kill that monster? Well, when did it clog? When it was like just 10 feet long. I mean, when does it
00:38:17
just It's still There's still more hair going in. Where's They have to tear the house down. Backing up. I don't know. But let me see these freak
00:38:28
kids with the hair. Do they have any left on their head? They're all bald. I just I feel like it
00:38:35
just it it be it gains sentience which is like almost became human. And I think it was like me like hair clog. Me getting stronger. need more daughters
00:38:47
with multiple shampoos per day where hairs fall out. Why are you being so specific, hair monster? I don't know. I I'm not having a not having a great day
00:38:58
cuz I'm trending and I like to be secret in the sewer. Yeah, they found me out. That one tastes
00:39:04
like Celson blue. I don't like it. Sell some blue. Good one. You know what I like? I like suave.
00:39:10
Shockingly, I like pearl. If I can get a mouth full of p and hair, I'm a happy sewer monster. No one even knows what pll is. I like that you ran with that.
00:39:22
Well, prowl's from the 60s, right? So funny. Christ s I just took the top off again. Heather,
00:39:28
I'm doing it again cuz I'm going to eat this. All right. Anyway, um we will tell
00:39:33
you on the next show how it went when I took the top off for the fourth time, right? Um we're open to any ideas. We're going to We have some exciting news next
00:39:44
week. Yes, we'll tell you next week. So, get you next week. All right. Thanks for watching.
00:39:49
Goodbye everybody. Goodbye. [Music] Hey guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us a
00:40:02
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00:40:08
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00:40:14
an executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman, Mattie Sprung Kaiser, and
00:40:21
Leah Reese Dennis of Odyssey. Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweet
00:40:28
Tech. Booking by Cultivated Entertainment. Special thanks to Patrick Fogerty, Evan Cox, Mora Curran, Melissa
00:40:37
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00:40:50
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