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Welcome to the podcast everybody. Welcome to my my humble podcast. I want I want this idea to go for at least 10 episodes. Yeah, I know. I I'm running with it.
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I love being a guest because I don't have to do any prep. Everything is on you. No offense or nothing.
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Then if we talk over, I go, Dana, this is Let me talk. I'm the host. Let's remember whose show this is.
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Yeah, that's a good thing. I'll say that more. I looked a little pale yesterday. Not yesterday, but on the show.
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Pale the last show. Yeah. I'm trying to This is funny. I'm in the black room and you're in the white. It's hysterical.
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But I have little little fellas around. I like it. I'm Listen, we're different. I, you know, I can't tell. Like if I
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look at clips, I look like I'm all washed out just like crazy. And then I'll look at other things. Oh, not too
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bad. So now I'm clo, you know, I'm in a room and I have two windows with curtains. So I'm closing them more. So, I kind of I kind of match you, but I I don't have the
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the pitch black. It's like you are in a witness protection program. I think I'm gonna have to switch it next
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time and try dark gray. One of the walls is dark gray. This room is so big. I have 19 walls.
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I know. It's hard to explain. And 31 bedrooms. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I don't care.
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Five pantries. I don't I wouldn't tell anyone that. Well, I remember when I came over once and I said, "You know what? I God, I
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just didn't get in my run this morning." You said just just go upstairs. So I ran
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for about 45 minutes and I kept seeing new new bedrooms. You were still in one pantry.
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I ran four miles. I was still on your property. I have a safe pantry where I go in there with a big where I can stay if there's a
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crook in my house. I know. And chocolate bars all around the house. Oh, I will tell you what happened in my house. I was going to tell you last time I was getting in my shower. This might seem like a nothing story. It's not.
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It's any story is important. Go. It's important. You know this. So, I'm getting in my shower and there's a fly made it all the way upstairs.
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One and he's in in my bathroom. I don't like it. I don't really care. I don't like it, though. So, I go up my shower. Now,
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he's in the shower. What to do? So, I have a little washcloth that uh I just had one in my hand cuz I was a little nervous. I wasn't thinking. I was holding it. So I kind of behind my
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back went like that and I I grazed him. So he kind of spins out and he goes to the wall like kind of high and he's and he's kind of like this and I'm like, "Oh my god,
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he felt that." Like it didn't knock him out, but I could tell he was a little disoriented. Yeah. He took a knee basically. He
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really took a knee and I think I don't know if they have solar plexes, but that's probably where I hit him. M.
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And I go, "We got a fly on the wall over here." So anyway, he's up there. He's like this. And then I'm like, I'm looking. I'm like, "Are you okay, dude?"
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And he's like this. I'm like, you don't even know what I'm saying. He doesn't know what I'm saying. It's not comprehending. He's like, "Are you?"
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Yeah. So I go, "Oh, shit." And he's like, "No, no, it's cool. I was heading over here anyway." I go, "No, you
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weren't. You were going over by the shampoos, but fine. I'll let you say that." And then I thought I was like,
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"Oh my god, what if I really tried?" I wasn't I was half speed. I was just like that. What if I tried to hit him? He doesn't even know what's going on because I'd whip his ass because
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what if I was like, "You want me to wind up? You don't want me to wind up because if I wind up and hit him?"
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Done. You're You're much bigger. You're just a lot bigger than the fly. Yeah. And so he's there and then I said, "You know what? You're not like if you
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were a ref you'd be like this." So I go, "You're grounded from flying. So why don't you walk down the wall and then
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lay down. Take a nap. You're not going to fly. No more flying today. What a shower. You know, what a sh." And he saw me naked, too. And I'm like, "And we're going to shut
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up about that part." Oh, they love that. You know, in Singapore, okay, just looking this up.
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Singapore, they have literal fly fights. So they train flies almost like pit bulls or something to fight each other and they always it's their de facto
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weight class is flyweight. That's pretty good. Yeah. I you know I took a shower and I
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bump I like how you lifted your phone for that. I bumped my head on the shower nozzle.
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Yeah. And then I was like, "Okay, you weren't there last time I showered. So, hey, nozzle, if you're going to move around, we're going to have we're going to have a problem,
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you know." So, your nozzle's moving around now. Well, I just like the idea that I like that that you blame the nozzle.
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Yeah, cuz I How do I top blaming an organic creature? But I'll tell you what I do do, and this is no joke. Not
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getting around here. It's no joke. Let me get a pro. Yeah, I got to do I'll do it for you while you're going. It's no joke. Yes, I do.
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It's no joke, folks. No joke. No, I'm not getting around here. I did it while you were gone.
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I don't know if you could tell, but what I do do, and it's a little bit like you, like there's a fly in the house.
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I don't look at it. I try to act nonchalant as I go by it. Like, they don't see any move cuz somehow their little brains can sort of tell if you're getting ready. So, you're not you're not
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reacting at all. And then, yeah, it's like that. Oh, yeah. I do that. Well, kind of what
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you implied you were doing is backing away and then plack, you know. Yeah, but mine was really unplanned. But
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I do what you do. I plan it. Like I go, "Oh, I'm just going to chop this celery. I don't care if there's a fly. I don't
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even notice you." And then I make a swing and I always miss. And he goes, "You [ __ ] idiot. You thought you
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thought you could get me with that bullshit?" I'm like, I did think that. My nozzle was talking to me like that, too. No, we we dealt with flies for years and all this stuff and then we got
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a screen door. But anyway, it doesn't matter. My mom doesn't know why she has so many flies and she's got
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m I mean, she always has food now. She has a lot of nice food out. She always wants us all to eat at all times. Oh,
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eat, eat. You're going to blow away. But then the doors are all open and she has the AC on 41 and it's 116 out. And I go, "Mom, you
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have to shut something cuz you don't like cold air in your face. I'm news flash." Well, you know this. I don't know. I do
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not. And then when I'm on the plane, it's like I don't love that. And then if this
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person's is on me, I'm like, "Excuse me. There's any way you could bend it back towards you." But that was a good one. By the way, I just saw Woody Allen on our friend Bill
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Maher. Oh, Bill. Club Billy. Random, you know. Sure. Because uh you know, it's a club, but it's a basically just a bedroom. You know, you're calling a clubhouse, you know.
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It's very quite random in I don't want to be pedantic. I don't mean to be didactic or
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facicious. I don't want to be anything that ends with that. Andre Preven, a wonderful guy. Well, how'd you think the show? No. No. You're a wonderful podcast host. You
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know, you You're you're very informative and you're you're asking questions that
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maybe two people in Nebraska care about. Like the smell of weed, I thought it was
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in Whiz Khalifa's chimney. Yeah. You by the time the fourth cartail came, I I I felt you were speaking a foreign language of some type. Or maybe some alien came down and taught you how
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to speak. But by the fourth Tom Collins, you know, I thought I was in a professional show. I'm in a treehouse. No, you're a
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wonderful, you know, the thing. Beautiful, intelligent woman. I've seen uh I've seen one television show in the last 19 years. You know,
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it's just I'm reading War in Peace for this 11th time. Yeah. Bill's like, "Have you seen Alien
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Earth yet? How many episodes?" He's like, "What's Hulu?" Hulu hoop. Watch this doubt Abby. Everybody's talking about he's right behind. There's
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only one Woody Allen. He's like, "But I do love Love Love Island UK." I know. I wanted to be there because everyone I wanted to ask him about Midnight in Paris because I'm just a
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psycho fan of that. And I've heard a little birdie told me that uh PT Paul Thomas Anderson is also a huge fan of that particular movie. And the reason I
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love it is because our our friend Owen Wilson is the perfect surrogate. Woody like Woody would have played that part, but Owen has, you know, you know,
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and now I can't do him. You talk first. I got to get out of Woody. Well, well, so you're because I think a
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lot of Woody's movies he has someone sort of play a version of him, right? You know, um because now I'm doing
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Woody. This is Are you doing a combo Owen Woody right now? No, I just wanted to do uh Owen from the movie,
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you know, GDO and it be I think it'd be great if See, I'm doing Woody now. This is a This is
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But wasn't I Owen doing a little himself trying to be a little like Woody or not?
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Maybe a little bit, but I think Owen's natural cadence and tone matched is reflected a little bit. It's a It's a little inside baseball on people do impressions. You do you know
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sure because you it's hard to go from there to you know Owen Wilson doing it because what I do I do this in my act. I
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go Owen Wilson tells the 2-year-old he can't have any more candy. Sorry little buddy. You can't have any more candy. So that's
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that's my act now folks. I'm not trying to light the world on fire. I just want people to get a little relief from this way. Well, because it's I like
00:10:06
ridiculousness now. You know, I've got a ridiculous thing quickly. By the way, we should get PTA on. Paul
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Thomas Anderson, I would love to. He's a friend of the show. He is, you know, Benny's Maya's husband who I adore. Maya Rudolph love.
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He He's brilliant. I mean, he's, you know, Oh, man. If you if you ever want to see a brilliant movie, we'll put on
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Magnolia. It's like just crazy. Magnolia is the only one I have not seen. It's out there. And Boogie Nights, of
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course. And then all the other ones he's done. He just has a kubricy, you know, sort of a kubricy Woody Allen kind of
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motif going there with a with a bit of uh, you know, Donald Sutherland vibe. I don't know. Just punch love too with with Oh, yeah. Friend of the show, Adam. I
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love that phrase, a friend of the show. I do too. I stole it right from Lauren. Paul Simon, you want him in a sketch?
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We'll try him. He's a friend of the show now. My hair I came in nice with some lift. And as the show goes on, it's like it's like a It's like a bun cake that's flattened.
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Your [ __ ] cake is fallen. No, your hair is terrific. It's like a a reverse baking thing, you know, with Julia Child's, you know, because
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what falls what I'm not even making anymore. Something falls falls. I don't know.
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My hair is greased back today and combed. So, I was so shamed by last week's pale blue shirt, messy hair. Okay, here's what we're going to do. Okay, I'm going to tell you something that was
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on my phone. It's annoying. Ready? Okay, go ahead. So, you might not get this Dana because you probably don't get
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a lot of spam. Here's the spam I got today. What they do is a new trick. Okay, Heather knows this. They give you They want you to answer not an email,
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but a text. So, it's a phone number you don't know and it says something. Yeah, I get Yeah. that makes you want to answer because it could be a friend or something. So,
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today was sort of clever. It said, "Can we go over something quickly?" Yes. I've been getting those those type of right teasers or like I feel bad that we never
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talked about this dot dot dot. Yeah. It's those are good ones. Yep. Mhm. Because I want to write those.
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Yeah. Because it's really hooky where you go you're absent mindly. Go talked about
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what? Who is this? I don't have your number. You know, and then they got you. I don't know how they got you, but they
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got you. Don't ever click on anything. Don't Don't believe anything. I mean, my mom did it. She'd call him, "Oh, maybe it was something about my personal information. Let me send you a link to
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my bank account. I had a relative, my mother-in-law, um, who's Irish and very sincere and 90 years old at the time, I think, and she got scammed saying that,
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you know, we know this and that and can you go to Target and get little coupons, gift cards, and send them to her or something and then they just disappeared. So, yeah,
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everything's a scam. Maybe my wife is out for the day and she comes through the door here. I just go, "Look,
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I totally believe it's you, but could you just honey? Could you just give me your social security number? Just just just give it, you know, you know, human
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me because Sean, I can't I'm going to do what on the entire thing. I can't I can't get out of it.
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I won't get sick of it. I laugh every time. It's funny to me. Here's another spam text I wrote that you wrote. I wrote that I should write for them.
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Oh, got it. Go. Did you understand my last email? Good one. Mhm. Everyone's going to go, "What? Who is what email?"
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And now we got you by the [ __ ] short and curies. I feel bad for the way we left things
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off. Ah! Uh-oh. Here he goes. Let me let me give this let me give this setup again
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to reiterate. So my very first job in show business sitcom in New York and Rockefeller Center the Mickey Rooney
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show and I played the grandson and Nathan Lane played the roommate. We had Scatman Kathers and Meg Ryan. It lasted
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13 weeks whatever. And Mickey was the most eccentric person I'd ever met. My first job I
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thought it was he was just a normal guy. He had a 38 revolver and he would wave it around. They're not going to get me.
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Who Mickey? Who? you know, well, if anybody in New York City tries to plug me, I'll plug them right back. And I've
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done this probably before, but he said this many times a day about his career from the in the uh 1930s. I was the
00:15:02
number one star in the world. Hear me? Bang. The world. That wasn't my best. The world. So anyway, so over the years,
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people go, "Oh, is it an exaggeration?" John Malany. Oh, you're lying. John Melany will would pay me cash
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dollars to do it for him. So, it's sort So, Dennis Miller, our buddy, sent us this and it's a video of Mickey Rooney
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doing an acting class and it's all very Mickey. You'll see. This is Mickey. Now, I tell you what I want to do. You're not going to get into this thing unless I let you in.
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The word act AC act. And I'm Mickey Roie. Do you know how important you are? Hello, honey. Thanks, man. Glad you're all dressed up. Yeah. Going out tonight.
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Um, I think I'm just going to like go out with my friends. Not the same friends that I uh I've been
00:15:58
seeing you with lately. I can make my own decisions. Just treat a little girl. She's good.
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Do you know why I do that? You know why? Cuz I am. Cuz you are. Make make a little familiar. I love you too, honey. That's why I I'm careful about you.
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You were excellent, my sweet hated her ass 30. You were excellent. Did you canote kiss
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her hand? Did you denote more? Hey, my read one book every two months. Okay. Well, it'll be six books a year because you
00:16:32
want this to be fertile. Fertile. Hi, honey. Hi, dear. Hi, honey. I saw my legs off. Did you work hard?
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Imagine spending in a room with this guy. A lot of people would think hypocritical
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about this. What is this? An underactction class? I don't know. To to be I didn't know it was this long.
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And you're going I love it. I know. Turtleneck. Maroon turtleneck. No less. Every chick is four feet. So that is no exaggeration. He is four feet tall. He would he would announce
00:17:10
himself as a fire plug. They try to get me this fire plug will throw him over the front of an old mobile,
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you know, scream, you know, Judy Garland never owned a car. What do you mean, Mickey? Cuz they pumped her so full of drugs they killed her. He would talk till
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then he'd well up. Well, he would talk until he ran out of breath, you know. for your edification. I think they should call senior citizens
00:17:43
more experienced people cuz they are more just he was an exploding insane man and uh he made me he he tried to coach me in a scene. We were in a rehearsal
00:17:56
hall. I was just would come out and I'd say good morning Mrs. Green. He got up. No, you got to be natural. You see? Good
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morning, Mrs. Green. We did it for two hours. I've seen it's no one would care. Nothing would matter. Just good morning, Mr. Green. Be natural. Be natural. But by the end, we were friends because I
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would do Jimmy Stewart. He loved that I could do Jimmy Stewart. Come here, Dana. Sit on my lap.
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I knew Jimmy Stewart. I got him his first job in the business. Everything was grandiosity and I'm the one that told him to do
00:18:30
Wonderful Life. He thought it was dog [ __ ] And then he was in a my parents worshiped him first day of shooting. There's a a magazine cover of Farah Fhauet and I don't know what he meant
00:18:42
but he put it on his crotch and said I like to stick it in brown. I think I know. I don't. So my parents my parents said how is Mickey Rudy? He's a delight. I go
00:18:54
he is a delight mom. It's a lot of innuendo. So that's my Mickey Rooney story. I love that and I like the video. Uh, well, we can get into videos then
00:19:05
and news. Um, one news story that I'm jumping around is we'll start with this one.
00:19:11
Okay. Oh, is this about Okay. One story I thought was interesting. You love basketball. This Kawhi Leonard story is
00:19:18
very interesting. Even if you're not into basketball, the quick story and then we'll play this.
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They were looking for ways to pay him secretly. And this must happen all the time. So
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Steve Balmer from the Clippers, oh starts a he has like a tree planting company and they pay Kawaii 28 million to be like a spokesman but he doesn't have to
00:19:42
do anything. Now spokesman could if he posted once on Instagram he could have an argument like oh that's what I'm
00:19:49
supposed to do is get the word out on trees or but here we'll hear a little bit about on this one. I think I clarify my
00:19:54
what we know is that NBA executives were suspicious of how Steve Balmer's Clippers landed the most valuable free
00:19:59
agent on the market, Kawhi Leonard, that the NBA did not find that Balmer got Kawhai by sweetening their offer. Mhm. But also that in March 2025, this
00:20:10
celebrity endorsed multi-billion dollar allegedly fraudulent tree brokerage named Aspiration, which promises to clear your conscience and your emissions, they file for bankruptcy. And
00:20:22
this is where the clue is. What David's looking at with his glasses on is a bankruptcy filing and is a list of
00:20:27
creditors, the entities to which Aspiration in all of their alleged fraudulence still owes the most money.
00:20:35
And what I noticed is what David is noticing right now, which is that on that list of creditors up near the top
00:20:40
above the Boston Red Sox is an LLC. Tiny little company that Aspiration owes $7 million. And that LLC's name, David, is what?
00:20:53
KL2 Aspire. Oh, you got to change it a little bit. And what does it list there under
00:20:59
manager or member name? Kawhi Leonard, whose NBA jersey number, just to connect all the dots, happens to be what? Number two.
00:21:11
So then the question is part of KL2 Aspire LLC, right? because okay, he's getting all this money, millions of dollars. What I started doing was scour the internet for any
00:21:23
mentions of Aspiration, any appearances, tweets, quotes, Instagram posts, not really busting his home.
00:21:29
Like Kawhi Leonard endorsing Aspiration. Yeah. And this was hard to find, which also might seem weird, right? because every other celebrity aspiration the whole listed thing and I don't know
00:21:42
if they said that right up top but it's pretty long was a way the salary cap they have the salary cap and and for NBA
00:21:49
teams to try to keep it even so there's only so much you can pay all your players and this is a way to get Kawei
00:21:56
who's an incredible player more money without it being part of his direct salary right and that's this guy
00:22:02
discovered it right but it must this must happen right and left I mean People are going to
00:22:08
teams and they can't go over the cap. So they're like, "Well, sweeten it. He loves being here. He wants to play with
00:22:13
Paul George or whoever, you know, and then they go, oh, that's surprising, but yeah, he has family there." And then you
00:22:19
find out he gets a cute 28 million on the side. Uh, which is great. It's a little sneaky. I mean, one is this is that I know Steve Balmer. I did a Microsoft event where I was doing
00:22:30
Carson and I was interviewing Bill Gates. Um, and then Balmer got up and gave a speech and he was like a fire brand. He's high energy 20,000 people and Microsoft it's like a
00:22:42
cult we will and then he started to sweat like just intensely armpit sweat. So when he ended I said I have three words for you aid extra dry and it
00:22:55
brought down the house. Good night everybody. He's our Mickey Rooney. But I think this could get him in trouble
00:23:01
because this is like a fraud situation, right? This is breaking the rules of the
00:23:06
NBA. I don't know if there's other levels of legality, but in the legal world, which I don't know who started
00:23:13
it, Michael Jordan probably, and some before him, but Jordan really took off where you take your show, your
00:23:20
basketball money, and you invest in other things. And so when Kaiway is that why when no Kevin Durant was in with the Warriors, he was always spending time in Silicon Valley with angel investors and
00:23:33
he got very very very wealthy that way using his salary to go well it helps when you start with 80
00:23:40
million to invest. Yeah. Uh okay we won't some people like enough sports that was more of a business story. I have a couple little just observations I can insert here.
00:23:53
One was I thought it was interesting, you know, the these these hearings all the time. So, they had a hearing where
00:23:59
they're grilling um Robert Kennedy Jr. and the the guy at the end's going and you're not doing the right thing and uh I I haven't been able to get a hold of
00:24:10
you and I have no way of we haven't talked in months and nothing. And Bobby Kenny Jr. very calmly just said, "Well, Senator, I remember our conversation
00:24:21
very well, and I gave you my cell phone number eight months ago and said, "Call me anytime." And the guy just got redfaced and go, "Well, your staff never reached out.
00:24:38
I like it. I thought it was John Kennedy you're talking about." Oh, well I I will
00:24:43
within his term U. Bobby Ken Jr. he will have an JFK AI that would say the exact
00:24:50
same thing. Introducing JFK AI mechanism. Three, two, one. Well, I uh do remember what you told me eight months ago. I gave you my cell phone. I
00:25:03
told you you could call me anytime. I didn't say it because it was easy, because it was hard.
00:25:08
Hard. Hard. If you want to do KFK, I like it. The other thing I want your take on this. I think it's funny when
00:25:15
authoritarian leaders walk together and create a summit. So you're seeing Putin, Yei, and Yong like
00:25:22
what do they talk about? You know, I assassinated 20 people today. I mean, what is the what's the connection there? I don't think it's about their fantasy football league. It should be.
00:25:38
Do you like the look in their eyes when you execute them? I don't know. But anyway, I mean, they're just like, listen, we
00:25:44
all have a commonality. We kill people. We're dictated. I mean, we we get along on some levels. We're different, but we're the same. Yeah.
00:25:55
What I like most about being myself is that everyone's afraid of me, and I tell everyone to do
00:26:05
So, a billion people are afraid of you. Yes. One billion. And I love it. Was Kim Jong there, my boy? That guy with his dimples. I can't stay mad at
00:26:18
that guy. So funny. He's kind of cute. He's like a little Yeah, he's he's he's like a little Disney character. He They
00:26:24
should have a Kim Jong-un. We'll do his Cut to us. Cut to us. He'll never hear this.
00:26:32
Well, like people he doesn't like. He doesn't just have people shoot him. He takes like a artillery thing like a
00:26:38
giant Oh, yeah. I probably at time town square. Yeah. Oh, Tiana. They make they make a big production out
00:26:51
of some of those things. Mhm. Anyway, too dark. Let's keep going. What else? Sorry. Took us in the wrong direction.
00:26:58
Here's some stories. Oh, I thought this was funny. Yeah, this is about this is based on you. That's you in the picture. When the
00:27:04
plane makes weird sounds and you try to act cool, but your soul already left your body. Okay, play it.
00:27:20
Wait, what? It got stuck in the middle, but it goes and the kids like this cuz you're trying to relax. But I You said this and it happened on my flight to Alaska where it goes
00:27:35
makes like a real whining and then it just goes away and you're like, "Does that mean we're free falling now or does
00:27:42
something stop?" It's the A320 Airbus. I'm a perfectly fine airplane, but when it takes off, it
00:27:48
sounds like a lawnmower going full blast. It feels like the plane is screaming to get up in the sky.
00:27:57
And then a minute in or so, I'm ready for it. It does a huge downshift and you kind of feel like they're taking the power off is falling
00:28:08
and it sounds disappointed. [Music] But you're never scared because ma man up front drive big plane. me happy.
00:28:21
No, I'm scared because I actually the the the on the way to Hawaii, the flight attendant was nice. She she gave me a
00:28:27
list of things I should she was going to the show already and she goes, "Oh, you're on the flight. I can't believe it. I'm going to make you a list of
00:28:33
things to do in Alaska." And I go, "Oh, okay." She brings me a list of maybe 200 things. And I'm like, "Well, I'm there
00:28:40
for about 30 hours." But it was all this fun stuff, you know, declaw bear, go up on the town of Mount Mcushu and wrestle a rattlesnake. But I
00:28:53
did I was looking for moosees. Th those sound fun to see. I did not see one. Didn't see a moose. Well, let me ask you a question. Even if you have time, there's been so many movies, you know.
00:29:05
Yeah. And where they're in the sea plane in Alaska. Hey, it's a beautiful day up
00:29:10
here. And then like and the propeller go and they go down. So those are if they don't crash, it would be spectacular to take those up
00:29:23
to a lake with a sea plane and go off. But would could I get you on one if I paid for it?
00:29:29
Uh, good question. I don't I don't know. I mean, there's helicopters that do it all day every day and there's no problems. But funny how you only hear about the problems.
00:29:40
That's that's the thing. And it hypnotizes you into darkness. This, right? One crash a year and suddenly
00:29:47
you're the bad guy. I mean, helicopters have a bad rep already. And then the little Cessnas and I did think Alaska was great. I really wanted to just see it.
00:29:57
Yeah. And it was great to just walk around. Stunning anchorage and just see it. And then we drove around, checked out some views
00:30:06
and saw some salmon on people's plates. So that was something I would want to go up there just to see
00:30:12
the environment. Yeah. And how were the So did you play one show or more than one show? Go all the
00:30:19
way up. One show in that. That's what Steve Martin used to say. Well, I'm going to finish my career and I'm going to put every fan of mine in one place in a huge stadium and do one
00:30:33
show. Goodbye. But it was fun. They were a good crowd. It rained on him and uh Oh, that's right. Yeah, he rained on him. We So I actually Nice people. Yeah, let's not beat it together. Okay,
00:30:46
what's the next story? What What do we got? Got real good stuff. Let's go. Everything I ate at the poop restaurant
00:30:55
in Taiwan. Oh, I thought she was going to say tasted like poop. H Everything I ate at the poop restaurant
00:31:01
init toilet, a poop themed restaurant. You even have poops on the table and the seats are toilet. It's so funny because your drinks come in different types of urinal. I ordered the urinal urinal and
00:31:12
it truly looked like pee. Mentally I couldn't drink it out of the container so I poured it. Oh, that's what finally stopped it.
00:31:18
Human beings have way too much free time. Basically a hot pot out of a toilet bowl. It felt very weird, but eventually
00:31:24
I got used to I'm an angel investor in this with Kawaii curry and it came with those super cute smiley fries and a lot of
00:31:30
sides. You eat out toilet. I love it. Looks so gross. For dessert, I got a chocolate soft serve. It looks so
00:31:36
realistic that it was really hard for me to eat it. I wasn't a big fan, but I think it was because of the visuals.
00:31:41
What is the name of this restaurant? The poop restaurant. It's Where is it? It's called uh the poop cake factory.
00:31:48
No, I don't know. Uh the only thing that might top it is just a restaurant called, you know,
00:31:55
vomit and more, you know, where everything vomit. I'm trying to think what would be worse.
00:32:02
I I see that you could make chocolate ice cream look like poop, but after that I'd have to really brainstorm.
00:32:09
Yeah, I guess you can make anything look like I like they covered something looking like pee out of a Okay, for your
00:32:18
dessert. Who wants a catheter? We got the catheter pie. Uh yeah, we uh we have little stances for you. Chocolate stances. And we have a
00:32:31
thing called the bypass where it looks like we saw a rib cage, but it's all made of vanilla pudding in half.
00:32:37
Yep. Yeah. Here's the spleen splitter. It's a biscuit. Uh well, I don't think we're going
00:32:44
there. Mostly because it's too far away. It's too far away. Otherwise, we'd be there tonight. Yeah. Just to say we did.
00:32:50
Mhm. Just to do research and write it off. Okay, next one. What do we got? What we
00:32:56
got here? Oh, so these streamers, I've seen these with their hands, but not with their bodies. They sell on like a QVC, but it goes so fast.
00:33:08
And this girl, it says she made $18 million in seven days. This company did because she tries on dresses. Mhm. You know how they they walk out and they
00:33:20
show you a dress on QVC and they go, "This is Nora and she's this is a full figure dress and it's got some ruffles." The turn around and then this is how they do it there. Go ahead.
00:33:33
I like the kick up. That was that. Oh no. Oh, is it? Okay. Kicks it up with her foot. Okay.
00:33:46
always [ __ ] sticky. It's all you get for that one. Do you like it? Any questions? Too late.
00:33:57
So, she has to talk. What is this? SNL in your change booth backstage. This one's a no for me, dog. Quick. Little House of the Curry. Here we go.
00:34:17
The little kick up is the best part. She's really good at the dressing. Instead of doing a jump cut where she changes like, you know, did
00:34:24
you ever You're too young for this. I don't know if Gregory would have a clip, but on the Ed Sullivan show, they had all these jugglers and variety acts. And
00:34:31
one of them was I remember as a kid they'd be dressed in something and then they would just duck behind a thing and
00:34:37
come back out within a second completely dressed in something else or just walk behind it. They're in something else.
00:34:42
Walk back there in something else. So it puts that one to shame, man. Not not a competition. Did you know what they were doing or you
00:34:50
were baffled? I could not believe how exactly it was happening. Like any good ma magic trick,
00:34:55
it was like too much for my brain. Yeah, that was like SNL that girl because you
00:35:00
know when you run off a sketch, you can't even get to the dressing room, you just go right under the bleachers and they go take everything off.
00:35:07
Yeah, I know. They Every every department's right there. Makeup's ready when they go in. Yeah. First the wardrobe, then the makeup, then the wig, then the this, then they
00:35:18
push you out, then the writer's yelling at you. It's a little different at the end. Yeah. Yeah. Don't don't exit on on his
00:35:25
line. Yeah, it is not that much of an exaggeration. It has the freneticism of an Indianapolis pit stop where it's just like except it's shoes and wigs.
00:35:37
And then I would always sometimes I'd say can let me Do you have a mirror? I just want to see my
00:35:42
what I changed into, you know. Oh, there I am. Yeah, that was when I was doing Do you have a mirror? I just want to
00:35:49
trim my pubes. Um, David, I think you should do that ahead of time this week. It's It's slowed down. Molly Molly didn't know her
00:36:01
exit because of the Go in my office. There's a manscape in my left drawer. You can use it.
00:36:10
We've done We've done a It's been kind of a blue show in some some ways. I know. It's okay. They're ready for it.
00:36:16
Oh god. They want They want the edge and we're willing to give it to them. Okay, let's see what's next. We're doing
00:36:22
pretty good. We're almost done. I think we're doing fantastic. Okay. Okay. This is what
00:36:28
two legends. Michael Jordan, Michael Tyson. One signed autographs, the other didn't.
00:36:34
So, this is a live spontaneous scene on the street. MJ, you're the goat. MJ, can you sign please? Come on, MJ.
00:36:44
Back when Michael Jordan seemed to snub this kid asking for an autograph, social media ripped him for it. But they didn't
00:36:52
know the reason he serious wouldn't sign it until now. And it wasn't just Michael
00:36:58
saying them kids. Where's Michael Jordan? Michael Jordan. He must He must get that [ __ ]
00:37:04
everywhere. Michael, people go bananas. Michael Jordan has a lifetime exclusive contract with this is what I got to do. The trading company. That means he's legally barred from signing anything
00:37:18
outside official Upper Deck events. This week, MJ made a rare public appearance just to fulfill part of that deal. So MJ's not rude. He's not a jerk.
00:37:29
He's just the most protected brand in sports. Okay, jump out. That Go ahead. Well, I want us to get that announcer to start our show.
00:37:39
Dana Carvey and David Spade may not seem funny, even though they're professional comedians. It's just in their contract
00:37:46
that they're supposed to be amusing but not especially funny. I'm Bob. When David Spade got followed home by five weirdos, he wasn't being rude when he pulled out
00:37:59
his gun. He was protecting his house and home. I know. I read the headlines. David Spade pulls out, you know, 44 Magnum on five
00:38:10
fan autograph seekers fans. David Spade tries to shoot his fan. No, it was David Spade Bazooka when being No one cared about that story really. I
00:38:24
realized cuz I kept reading it except for the fact that there was a gun mentioned. Uh yeah, that immediately sort of like you think a celebrity and a house or
00:38:35
anybody and then there's a gun present or a gun. I don't know. You know, uh, I had a friend back in the 80s and he came to hang out and stuff or stay overnight
00:38:47
wherever I was. I think I was in LA. Really nice guy. Ward Steiner I think his name was. And he had gotten beat up
00:38:55
once like in high school. Really beat up. And so then he became the gun guy. So he would have three guns he'd bring out fully loaded, super careful 44s. And
00:39:05
one time I was at the other cafe, a comedy club, late show and some rough stuff was happening and I knew that he
00:39:12
always had a a daringer in his boot and he's in the front row and I saw him reaching down and I went, "No, no, no,
00:39:18
no, no." Well, when you're getting pounded Mhm. maybe you go, "Hey, boot." But I was in I was doing the church lady before SNL in the in that and I said, "Well, wouldn't be the best idea."
00:39:34
Well, keep it in the boot. Yeah, I was out with a gun. I think that story, but I just maybe I shouldn't have said that that I had a gun in the house, but I have been have broken into twice. So,
00:39:47
when it's going to be you or them, nobody wants to shoot anyone. It's terrifying. It's the worst thing you could think of,
00:39:52
right? But being shot is also drink basically hardly at all and you don't do any medication. So, you're completely That would be the scary thing. But yeah, to our story, I have to
00:40:05
say on the all we may have mentioned before, but Michael Jordan created quite a kurfuffle and especially in terms of people wanting to design or just
00:40:16
Oh, at SNL. Yes, sorry. At SNL, nobody nobody in the time I was there ever was had that level
00:40:22
of awe and get his autograph and stuff. Do you remember they stopped the cast from asking him? I It makes sense. I think you told me that. Yeah. They said all Marcy came around and said
00:40:35
nobody asked. This is it. This [ __ ] people are bringing basketballs and a bunch of [ __ ] at [ __ ] let lining
00:40:40
up in front of his dressing room. Which they were and writers and I was like I know crew guys cuz you had him trapped in his
00:40:46
rooms like hey big Mike can. But I will say I went out with this unknown celebrity that was well known in the old days probably 10 years ago and
00:40:57
he gets in my Land Cruiser. We're driving somewhere and he puts a big huge bag of cola and a gun in the glove
00:41:03
compartment. I go, "You sure you want to keep it in my glove compartment?" What is he is is this a gift or what is
00:41:09
you why? And I go, "Well, we what if we get pulled over?" He goes, "Nobody's going to house you. That's all I need to
00:41:15
hear." I go, "Okay, based on nothing. No one's going to hassle you about that." I go, "Oh, no
00:41:21
one cares about a gun and a bag of coke." So, uh, that was me going, "Oh." And then you know what happened? Nothing. Nobody hassles. It just became a different time. You
00:41:31
just have to assume everyone has a gun now. You know, back in the day, the like the coolest, weirdest kid in high
00:41:37
school, Brad Nichols, had beetle boots and he he carried a switchblade in the beetle
00:41:42
boots and he was Oh, were you the kick it out and it st Oh, it's the greatest, you know. But still, you can run away
00:41:48
from that. But just a 38 revolver. I don't like what you just said. You know, no more road rage. Just let them let it go. No, I know. I think I think in the
00:42:00
time now I'm trying to get back on and see you again. I think the time now where I could when you're uh there's so
00:42:07
much crime and there's it's so scary that people are following you or you just read every day someone else got shot, stabbed like Yeah. Yeah. It's it's going to be up to the people
00:42:18
to fight back because there's the laws are protecting more of the more of the criminals. Well, no. You know, I good the good people who are really responsible that want to have a firearm to protect their
00:42:29
family and themselves. No problem. Just just not not the bad people who want to hurt of strangers. I know this is a hot take, but I'm just saying. I know. But, you know, listen, let's
00:42:41
worry about the victims just for a little. Let's go back that for a little bit. Okay. What else? We'll do one more. Let me see. Sure. Sure. We got nothing else to do. We got I got
00:42:53
tons to Okay. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Don't play this yet. This is an old interview show. Hope
00:42:58
it doesn't stick the whole time, but uh I don't know who this is. I thought you'd like it.
00:43:04
Yeah, it's just an old Oh, she was a Nebraska celebrity interviewer 70s8s and she would just she just had a funny way of
00:43:15
saying where you would this wouldn't fly as much today. Okay, let's let's let it rip this morning. You got to work with Burton, Richard Burton, The Tempest. Yes, I did.
00:43:26
And now he's dead. Do you know who his dad is? His dad. You watch Bonanza? I'm sure you watched the
00:43:32
reruns of Bonanza. Who's the sheriff on Bonanza? Bing Russell. Is he still alive? K. You've done some brilliant pictures. You've done
00:43:39
really. What happened to Heaven's Sam? What happened to Bosen Buddies? We were killed.
00:43:46
Did you see the movie Raiders of the Laws Dark? Have you seen it yet? Yes, I did. Wonderful movie.
00:43:51
Do you know that he turned down the role of India? I heard that you turned down the role that you were offered the role. I wouldn't turn it down. Do
00:43:58
you have any regrets about going into the series for Mash? No. No. They've all made a
00:44:05
little wild river. What was one of his few flops? He look He looks This is incredible. In many ways, he looks evil. Can the camera come in close up? Look at these eyes.
00:44:15
He looks evil. Have you ever seen eyes like this? If you look at him real closely, what do you see? This is right after Jaws. He
00:44:21
He looks like a ring around the outer edge of the eye. What is that? I don't know. It's a old family trait. My father had those. I know what's making me soaked.
00:44:33
Well, this makes a most fascinating look. You really look terrific. Thank you. Are you into yoga or exercise?
00:44:41
Exercise. You might just whip one up. I might I might just whip one up. Listen, you don't know to whom you are speaking because you and I go back a few years, but you weren't your mom.
00:44:53
What size are you? And Tom, how do you kiss underwater without bubbles coming out of your nose and mouth? Let me ask you, how would you feel as a mother if your daughter were
00:45:06
involved with your former love personally? How how would you react to Look at her egg.
00:45:12
Yeah. how invaluable your voice has been to you over the years. No, baby, tell me. Perfect. I mean,
00:45:19
we can do that. You're a new father. Can we do that? Can we? Of course we can. We can. It was again cuz that was on the left
00:45:26
side. Where? You don't get I uh that like the new SNL cast members female. Watch this person. Veronica should play that woman. Yeah. I mean the reason it well first of
00:45:40
all it just she got the guest selection I mean Gene Hackman was never on a talk show she got
00:45:48
Jean Hackman I mean it was all big stars and Tom Cruz Tom Cruz if you look back Yeah
00:45:55
Sam Wat Roy Schneider right around Jaws and you're on this [ __ ] show in some living room it's hysterical and she's such a ballsy [ __ ] how funny someone should play her from
00:46:08
that era interviewing new stars and whatever. It's I think it's funny. Yeah, but it was right on the edge of
00:46:14
like is she in on the joke or is she still just trying to be really interesting? You know, it's funny. Everyone's can your show got
00:46:21
cancelled. Yes. What do you think of that? Yeah. And that person you co-star with
00:46:26
is dead, right? And uh do you regret not doing MASH because they got incredibly rich? They really all made a lot of money. Like what? I love it. All right. You want to do one
00:46:37
more or is that it? If you can top it. That was really made me No, let's end on that one. We got to
00:46:43
save something. These people are chomping for more. Is it champing at the bit or chomping? Last question.
00:46:48
Okay, we have We have three questions. Fan. Oh, we have a question we have to answer. Oh, [ __ ] We have more. Okay.
00:46:54
Three of them. But what is the question? Champing at the bit or is it chomping at the bit?
00:47:00
Okay. What? Okay. Kevin Nean recently made a post asking people what their go-to laxatives are. What are your go-to
00:47:09
laxatives? Mine is nerves. Um, if I'm scared about something that sort of gets things into gear, I would say that the premise is if you
00:47:27
need a laxative for your digestive system is because you're not getting enough fiber. So to get enough natural
00:47:35
fiber, the amount of green peas or blueberries or all these different things you have to get and most people don't get it. Green peas of all things. Green peas, three cups of green peas.
00:47:47
I like green peas. 28 grams of fiber a day. So Metamucil mark that down. Green peas
00:47:53
is just fiber and your system really likes that. And if you are if your digestive system isn't operating the way you want, I would recommend that. And I'm not a paid spokesman
00:48:07
for green peas. Okay, thanks for clearing that up. But what was the funny part? What's funny about what laxative is? Why is
00:48:15
that a an entree into comedy? I don't know. Kevin is I funny comment on his Instagram. Oh my god. Uh I got I'm going to do another hiking
00:48:27
with Kevin. Um I want to do one with him where I hike so hard that I I leave him behind. Yeah. You put a GoPro on and he just
00:48:38
picks up you from there because you he can't keep up. Yeah. I I wanted to do one called
00:48:44
Strolling with Dana, but I thought it was too close. What is What about walking backwards
00:48:49
with David? That's what I do sometimes. If my neck hurts, I walk backwards. You should do squinting into the sun. Squinting. David hates light. You're walking around.
00:49:01
Uh, okay. One more and then we got to go. We have to. We got a lot. We got a lot going on.
00:49:06
Okay, you read this one. Okay. Where where did you lose your virginity? Expand and expound on that. I
00:49:14
know that's saucy question. Where? Um where oh this young trolley I had a crush on and it was the last
00:49:28
month of high school. Took me a while and uh I walked her home from a boxer party
00:49:38
and that's where that magic happened. High fives all around. I lost my virginity in a um Sears department store near where they sell
00:49:49
washers and dryers. Was it a mannequin? I don't want to say the person involved,
00:49:55
but it was at It was a Sears department store near I won't say. Come on. We're a comedy show. Do the Oh, no. I just said the real one. God dang it.
00:50:07
Well, what's the strangest place you ever You made Whoopi. Made Whoopi. I was going to mid whoopy
00:50:13
lrange just why is Heather saying whoa whoa whoa cuz she thought the Sears front loader
00:50:18
she just goes whoa whoa whoa in a Sears department store near the washer where they sell the
00:50:24
that's a good one by the drill bits. So where's the weirdest place I've made whoopy
00:50:29
whoopy besides that chair last night? Um I don't you go because I know you're not going to give an answer. Well, let me ask you a yes or no question. Okay. Did you ever make love in the backseat
00:50:45
of a car at a drive-in movie? No. I have a question for you. I Are you in the Mile High Club at Koi?
00:50:58
The Mile High Club? No. Are you in the limousine club? I don't think so. What a bummer. I'm going to say it again. Are you in the limousine club?
00:51:10
Are you in the koi club? You're being koi. You're being koi about going to koi? Uh,
00:51:17
no. I guess I'm not that fun. Um, another question. Where's the place you would like to make whoopy, but haven't yet?
00:51:28
No one. You know, Jay Leno was smart about this. When older comedians would come on the Tonight Show and do sex jokes, guys, guys in their early 50s, Jay was like, "Yeah, no one wants to
00:51:38
hear someone old." Yeah, you do. Yeah, they're right. They don't want to hear us. Yeah. They don't want to see us. They
00:51:45
don't want to picture us making love, you know, and then they just want the jokes. And you know, Jay's kind of always right about all his comments.
00:51:52
He knows what he's doing. He's got Yeah, he's got good He still has good stuff. I've seen him recently.
00:51:58
Uh, okay. That's it. So, thanks everybody. We'll save our other questions for next week. And uh
00:52:03
thanks for write them in. Thanks for being you. And uh that was a good one today. I was
00:52:08
really happy about it. Yeah, I was really happy we we rallied toward the end. Dana, thanks for letting me be your guest today. You're very welcome. You've been a good guest. Do you want to hear the answer to
00:52:20
champing chomping? Oh, Heather's I was saying is the is the phrase champing at the bit or chomping at the bit? And Heather has the answer. I know the answer.
00:52:33
Oh, what is it? What do you chomping? Nope. Champing. Original is champing at the bit. But chomping at the bit is more widely used. But the phrase originates from horses
00:52:46
restlessness chewing their bits in anticipation. So while champ means to chew or gnaw, chomp means to refer to
00:52:52
chewing. Oh, chomping is chewing noises. Champing is when you bite down, a horse bites
00:52:58
down. So that one makes more sense. And then everyone just turned it into chomping because it sounded easier and it made more sense.
00:53:05
I knew there was something with that. What's What's the original word for chump change?
00:53:13
That's funny. That's like chump change. Chump change. You know, that's sort of being a little loose with vernacular. It
00:53:20
came from the Latin word chump and lino, which means chump change in Latin. I like when people call you chump. It's
00:53:27
funny. Look at this [ __ ] chump. Yeah. Mhm. Uh, all right, Chump. I'll talk to you
00:53:32
uh next week. We'll talk to you next week. Same bad time. Hey guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us a
00:53:46
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00:53:51
If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now. Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey
00:53:58
and executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Mattie Sprung Kaiser, and
00:54:05
Leah Reese Dennis of Odyssey. Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman, and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweet
00:54:12
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00:54:21
Wester, Hillary Shuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gainner, Shan Cherry, Kurt Kourtney, and Lauren Vieiraa. Reach out with us any questions to be asked and answered on the show. You can email us
00:54:34
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