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What is good my ex-homies? It is your
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boy Jacob Gooden and we are back for
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another week of the exhomeschoolers
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club. This week we're finishing up our
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series on this book right here. I kissed
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dating goodbye by the wonderfully uh
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uninformed Joshua Harris. And uh if you
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missed the last couple parts on this, go
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back and give those a listen cuz they
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are a terribly good time. Um but this
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week we're touching on the last section
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in the book which is called Now What?
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It's going to be like marriage
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commitment, right? We're we're finally
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there. We're walking down the aisle.
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We're saying I do. Uh we're putting the
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rings on. That kind of a thing. So,
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that's what we're touching on this week.
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Without further ado, let's get into it.
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We're going to kick things off in
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chapter 12 titled Redeeming the Time.
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The main focus of this chapter is making
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the most of our singleness. And uh it
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kicks off like many of the chapters in
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this book with a story and Josh is
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talking about coming home, finding his
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mom going through the mail and opening
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up a wedding invitation for a for a girl
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he grew up with. And uh she hands it to
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him and Josh's response is something
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like this. He says, "I can't believe
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this. Jenny is getting married. This is
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impossible." His mom responds by saying,
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"What do you mean it's impossible?" And
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he goes, "I liked her in the eighth
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grade. how can she be getting married?
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She responds, "She met a nice guy and
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they're they're getting married. It
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happens all of the time, right?
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Completely normal." And uh he whines
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back to her. He says, "Why is this
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happening to all of the girls I used to
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like?" And uh his mom goes on to say,
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"You haven't even talked to or thought
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about Jenny for years, so let's not be
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wistful all of a sudden." And he
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finishes by saying, "I'm not." and he
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looks down at the invitation and he
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looks back at his mom and he goes, "Mom,
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I think my biological clock is ticking."
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A few things I'm going to quickly say
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about this intro story. Josh, quit
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complaining. First and foremost, quit
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complaining that uh people went off.
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They did the thing that uh that you're
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not allowing yourself to do, right? They
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went off and they found a partner.
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They've been dating. They've been
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exploring. And now they're finally at
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the commitment point. Okay. Uh, also
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like super weird that you feel this kind
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of like ownership over somebody just
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because you liked them in the past or
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maybe you dated them in the past. Just
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feels a little bit like strange. We're
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talking about girls that you liked 6
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years ago, four years ago, uh, something
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like that, and you weren't even dating
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them. So, like what what gives you the
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right uh to kind of feel that way? He
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immediately then goes in on this chapter
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into a story about turning 21. And I
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guess it's tradition at the Harris
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household when you turn when it's your
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birthday that uh everyone in the family
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writes you a note. This year he notices
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a theme uh in those notes. His mom says
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something along the lines of, "I know it
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will be hard to let you go when you meet
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the one you're waiting uh that we're all
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waiting and praying for." his uh little
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brother, who's like 11 at the time, says
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something like, "I really treasure
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sharing a room with you, knowing that
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someday soon uh you'll be sharing a room
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with someone else." And his dad wraps it
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all up by saying, "Expect to meet her
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someday soon if you haven't met her
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already." When you know you found her,
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be patient. You needn't rush, but
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neither should you uh feel the need to
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delay things. marry her within the year
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and count on God to help take care of
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her. I wrote in my notes after this. I
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said, uh, what's with all the pressure?
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Uh, that being said, I I kind of
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experienced something similar right
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around when I turned 21. So, let me set
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the stage for you a little bit. Right
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around when I turned 21, so I was my
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birthday's in August. Um, but the May uh
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before my birthday, I had just graduated
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college. I had also just had surgery on
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uh on my lower back and was recovering
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from that. Uh and one of the most loved
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people in my life, my grandma, was dying
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of Lou Garri's disease. And so just a
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lot of things going on in life, right? A
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lot of emotions. And so that summer was
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really spent mostly with her. A lot of
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my family was at my grandparents for the
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majority of that summer. Uh it it was
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emotional, right? It was hard. uh it's
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hard to watch the person this person
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that you love so deeply uh dying and um
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anyway but during that summer one of my
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family members who like I said it's an
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emotional time it's a little distressed
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and uh comes to me and is like hey I
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think you should marry your girlfriend
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uh by your your grandma's bedside and
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you know wouldn't she'd probably just
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love being able to see her oldest
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grandson like get to that point in in
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his life, right? Marriage. And I'm so
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thankful for my mom who immediately like
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heard this and then came to me and was
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like, "Do not do this." Um, and do not
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like feel pressure uh to do that because
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like you got a lot going on. Don't be
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rash about this decision. And uh and
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even talking to my grandma. So even
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though she couldn't really talk cuz if
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you don't know Luke Garrick's disease,
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uh it affects your motor skills. is it
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affects how your body operates and
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basically it shuts things down. So you
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you start to not be able to like have as
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much control over your hands and for her
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she couldn't she couldn't talk anymore.
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Uh and then eventually it shuts down
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your organs on the inside. And so
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anyway, but one of the things that she
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could do was on her iPad she had a
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program and she could push these buttons
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and make sentences and she punched in
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there and basically was like I love you
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and I love your girlfriend but like it's
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not time. And so her and I had a whole
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conversation about that and it wasn't
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time. I wasn't even 21. I was 20 at the
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time, like just about to be 21. So I'm
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really thankful. You know, the story
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does end with me marrying that girl um
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at 22. Uh and my grandma wasn't there to
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see it, but that's okay. Um it it wasn't
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the right timing. So I totally
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understand that pressure. I think u I
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had a lot of friends in college kind of
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a similar deal at very young. there was
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this pressure to like get married and
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figure out life and do all those things
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and uh you know to each their own. We
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all we all work on our own time
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schedules. We're going to jump a little
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forward in this chapter and talk uh
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about a section that Josh calls the
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practice now section. And uh he lays out
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a couple things that uh you should be
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practicing right as you're preparing for
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marriage. So those things include
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practicing intimacy, practicing seeking
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God with others, practicing financial uh
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literacy, and practicing parenthood. Oh,
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and lastly, practicing practical life
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skills. Now, I'm only going to touch on
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a few of these, uh, but we're going to
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talk about practicing intimacy. Now, if
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you remember back a few chapters ago,
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and maybe maybe it was part three, it
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might have been part two, I don't quite
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remember, but uh Josh already did talk
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about intimacy in this book. And in it,
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he kind of outlines that intimacy is
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this thing that is between two uh
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romantic partners, right? And um and he
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kind of equates it to sex a little bit.
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Um but it's like this closeness thing.
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And and earlier in that chapter he says
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friendship is about something other than
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the two people in a relationship where
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uh as opposed to excuse me intimacy is
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about each other. In a true friendship
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something outside of the two friends
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brings them together. The key to
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friendship is a common goal or object or
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object of which both uh companions
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focus. It can be an athletic pursuit, a
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hobby, faith, music, but it's something
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outside of them. As soon as two people
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uh involved focus on their relationship,
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it has moved beyond friendship. And what
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I wrote after this, I said, maybe I'm
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missing what he's trying to say here,
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but I think that you can have friendship
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that isn't always focused on something
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outside of like the relationship. Okay?
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Right? Uh if we look back at like an
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actual dictionary definition of
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intimacy, we see that it's close
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familiarity or friendship, it's a
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closeness with somebody, right? And so
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we share intimacy with a bunch of
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different people in our lives, right?
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From our loved ones, our family members,
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our friends, all these different people
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in our life, mentors, and it looks
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different, right? There's different
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levels of intimacy and closeness that we
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build with each of those people. And so
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it's really funny because in that
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earlier chapter,
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Josh is like super anti-intimacy amongst
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anybody that's not your romantic
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partner, but all of a sudden now we're
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talking about it. And he goes on in this
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current chapter, chapter 12 of the book,
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and he says, "While we want to avoid pre
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uh premature intimacy and romantic
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relationships, we should practice
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intimacy in other committed
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relationships, starting with our
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families."
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He goes on and he shares a story of a
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young girl he knows who he's friends
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with and he says that uh she struggles
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to like communicate with her parents.
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Okay? And so after dinner, she just goes
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up to her room or she doesn't tell them
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about the things that are going on in
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her life. And so he says this, "Whenever
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they tried to talk to her, she would
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clam up and refuse to share her
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feelings. So to reverse this trend, my
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friend now works hard to build intimacy
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and openness with her folks. Instead of
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retreating to her room after dinner, she
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hangs out and talks with them. Instead
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of shutting them out of her life, she
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invites them in. Now, I don't want you
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to think that I'm going to sit here and
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be like, "That's bad, and she shouldn't
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do that." Like, closess with your family
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is very important, and it's something I
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value. It's something I have. And your
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family tends to be the people who know
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you the best, especially uh when you're
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younger, right? Cuz most of the time we
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live with them for 18 plus years. And um
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but what I think is missing here is like
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the context of why does she feel this
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need to like be closed off with them or
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not share her personal life with them.
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So I think there's a piece missing there
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that like
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intimacy is something that is to be
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earned, right? It's trust. It's that
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closeness. It is an earned thing. And so
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why doesn't she feel worthy to give uh
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to give it? I also think that this
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section kind of goes to illustrate some
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of like the halfbaked ideas or like the
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conflicting ideas of this book, right?
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Because like I said earlier in this
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book, back in chapters like five, six or
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seven, something like that, Josh talked
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about intimacy only being between
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romantic partners. Now all of a sudden
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we have intimacy
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with close family members. Let's jump
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ahead just a little bit more and we're
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going to talk about practicing
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parenthood. Now
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again on the surface a lot of these
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things that he talks about practicing
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I'm not against them. Okay. Yeah. As we
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get older we need we need these things
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in our life right we have to practice uh
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you know if you want to be a parent
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someday it's probably a good idea that
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you spend some time around kids. if you
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uh you know I don't think it's a
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terrible idea to practice some uh
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financial literacy and then also just
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like practical life skills, you know
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what I mean? Like I think it's important
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that we have some things in our life
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that we work on, right? And we get
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better at. But
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here's why I struggle with this one.
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Josh tells a story of Jeanie and um how
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she was the youngest sibling in her
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family. So she didn't grow up with
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younger siblings to look after, to care
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for, and so she didn't have a lot of
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time around babies and toddlers, okay?
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And so she volunteers with a family from
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church who has seven kids. And she goes
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over once a week and she takes care of
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the kids and she cooks and she cleans
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and she does household stuff, right?
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She's learning the way of the house.
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There's two things here
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that I I just question. Okay, one, why
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is she doing it for free? Now, if you
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want to volunteer your time that way,
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that's I don't have an issue with that.
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Um, you'll understand why the free thing
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in a moment. Um, the other thing that I
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wonder about this scenario is that it's
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painted as a girl doing these things,
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which stereotypically inside of the
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church, women stay home, they do all the
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cooking and the cleaning, they raise the
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kids, that kind of a thing. I wonder
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what he would have to say about a guy
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doing this. Maybe he's on board, maybe
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he's not. I don't really know. It's not
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painted that way. So again, just a
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question I had. Now, why this kind of
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stuck out to me the way it did is that
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in the homeschool community, a lot of
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the families are larger, right? My
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family is a little bit of an anomaly,
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you know, two kids. Uh I had friends who
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12 kids, six kids, seven kids. It was
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not a normal uh unusual for like parents
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to be outnumbered.
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And so I have a friend who she basically
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ended up raising her younger brother and
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it was frustrating because she's my age
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and she was my friend, right? And we
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when we were in high school, we wanted
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to do friends stuff. We wanted to go to
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the movies and we wanted to hang out. We
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wanted to invite her to a pool party. We
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wanted to whatever. And she never had
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time to hang out with us because she was
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always taking care of her younger
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brother and essentially being mom. And
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that was frustrating. She also, as far
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as I know, wasn't like paid or
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compensated for it. And I'm again,
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that's my own,
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you know, why would you do this for
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free? I babysat. I did things um
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sometimes for free, but usually for a
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little bit of money. But what we found
00:14:01
so annoying about that scenario was,
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like I said, she wasn't ever free to be
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a kid. She was kind of forced into this
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momhood thing really early. and it I
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would argue robbed her of her childhood.
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And so anyway, I hope that now she's
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gotten an opportunity to like kind of
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maybe regain some of that. Uh I don't
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know. I'll have to ask her. But um
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the other thing I wanted to say was that
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I know I come from a little bit of
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a privileged place when it comes to I
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only have one other sibling and so my
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parents were able to spend a lot of time
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with me and you know we didn't outnumber
00:14:45
them. I also know from firsthand
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experience because my family tried to
00:14:50
adopt uh two kids and while they were
00:14:53
with us, I saw the shift in how my
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parents' attention went from being
00:14:58
solely on my sister and I to all of a
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sudden also needing to give attention to
00:15:02
two more kids and most of the time
00:15:04
actually give them the majority of the
00:15:06
attention. And that hurt our
00:15:09
relationship, right? It was like
00:15:12
it was like a good bad thing. It was a
00:15:14
big learning experience for all of us.
00:15:17
Um, but I definitely saw the dynamic
00:15:19
shift and it became pretty evident
00:15:21
pretty quickly that if those kids had
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stayed with us, um, I wasn't going to
00:15:27
get the time with my parents.
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Now, like I said before, I al I'm not
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against practicing stuff. I also grew up
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volunteering. I did child care for
00:15:38
people. I babysat with my sister. where
00:15:40
we would tag team some of those larger
00:15:42
homeschool families right where we were
00:15:44
severely outnumbered. Um I also worked I
00:15:48
did junior high ministry. I did
00:15:50
children's church. Uh heck a couple
00:15:52
years ago I even worked at a toy store
00:15:54
and ran birthday parties for you know
00:15:56
eight-year-olds. There's something to be
00:15:57
said if you're interested in being a
00:15:59
parent or you enjoy being around kids.
00:16:01
Yeah, there's practice that that you
00:16:03
know has to take place uh for that kind
00:16:05
of stuff in the same way that we
00:16:07
practice financial literacy and other
00:16:09
life skills like cooking and cleaning
00:16:11
and all those other things. Uh right
00:16:13
like there's a level to that and when
00:16:15
you are gearing up for marriage, some of
00:16:18
those things can probably be good to
00:16:19
practice. Moving right along into
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chapter 13. This one's called Ready for
00:16:24
the Sack but not for the sacrifice. How
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to have a biblical and realistic vision
00:16:28
of marriage. So, I'm gonna lay out a
00:16:31
bunch of what's in this chapter before I
00:16:33
get into my thoughts on it. But, here's
00:16:36
kind of the gist of the first few pages
00:16:39
of this chapter. Okay. Josh kicks it
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off. He tells a story of his wedding
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videography, photography business. He
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talks about shooting a wedding the day
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of, right? And capturing all the
00:16:49
wonderful moments of the bride and groom
00:16:51
getting ready and walking down the aisle
00:16:53
and the first looks and the exchanging
00:16:54
of the vows and the rings. He talks
00:16:57
about the party afterwards and
00:16:58
highlighting the dancing and the
00:16:59
festivities and the smiles, right? And
00:17:01
the hugs and the love, right? And then
00:17:04
he talks about the editing process,
00:17:06
right, after the event. And you know,
00:17:09
he's like, you know, you do a little
00:17:10
trimming here. Maybe you cut somebody
00:17:12
who made a funny face out of this photo
00:17:14
and you photoshop in a photo of them
00:17:16
smiling. Uh maybe you cut part of the
00:17:19
video where you in the background you
00:17:20
can see two ants fighting over who
00:17:22
ordered the chicken and who ordered the
00:17:23
beef for dinner and things like that,
00:17:26
right? You fix a tie knot that was
00:17:28
twisted kind of funny on one of the
00:17:30
groomsmen. All this kind of stuff. And
00:17:31
he goes on and says, "Unfortunately,
00:17:34
many young people have a view of
00:17:35
marriage as limited and unreal as the
00:17:37
wedding videos that I create. These
00:17:39
people think of married life as one
00:17:41
grand thrilling moment after another and
00:17:43
that the everyday mundane parts of
00:17:45
marriage are safely edited uh from the
00:17:47
picture. He then goes on and talks about
00:17:50
young people's perspectives on marriage
00:17:53
and he you know he talks about young
00:17:56
girls and he says that you know they
00:17:57
obsess over bride magazines and um you
00:18:00
know maybe they don't fully understand
00:18:01
the reality that marriage is a lot more
00:18:03
than just the day of the wedding. But
00:18:05
the thing that I want to highlight a
00:18:07
little bit more is that he also talks
00:18:09
about guys reducing marriage down to a
00:18:12
single aspect that being sex. And he
00:18:15
says this, "I'm shamed I'm ashamed to
00:18:17
admit that I struggle with the tendency
00:18:19
to equate marriage with sex. When I
00:18:21
picture being married, I almost
00:18:23
immediately picture going to bed with my
00:18:24
wife as if that's all that married
00:18:26
people do." The book then goes on to a
00:18:29
section called Duly Considered. And uh
00:18:32
Josh is going to share a part of a
00:18:33
sermon that says, "Marriage is not to be
00:18:36
the enterprise lightly or wantingly to
00:18:38
satisfy man's carnal lusts and
00:18:40
appetites, but reverently, discreetly,
00:18:44
advisedly, soberly, and in the fear of
00:18:47
God, duly considering the cause for
00:18:49
which matrimony was ordained."
00:18:52
He then goes on, because it's a bunch of
00:18:54
big churchy heavy words, right? Seems
00:18:57
like an old an oldtimey sermon uh to say
00:19:00
the least. But he goes on and he's going
00:19:01
to break down those terms. So,
00:19:04
reverence, a profound respect mingled
00:19:07
with awe, discretion, discernment, or
00:19:09
good judgment. Advisedly, uh, with
00:19:12
careful consideration, and sober, to be
00:19:16
well balanced, unaffected by passion,
00:19:18
excitement, or prejudice. Now, if you're
00:19:20
like me and purity culture made up a big
00:19:23
chunk of the puberty years of your life,
00:19:26
um you know that like sexual sin was
00:19:29
this like super ambiguous term thrown
00:19:32
around a lot. Um I've talked about it in
00:19:34
previous episodes, not only about this
00:19:36
book, but just like in general previous
00:19:38
episodes, but I was taught this very
00:19:41
specific thing that was sex outside of
00:19:44
marriage is bad. Sex inside of marriage
00:19:46
is good. Sexual feelings I had were bad
00:19:48
because those feelings should only be
00:19:51
had for the person you're married to.
00:19:52
Masturbation was bad because it led to
00:19:54
sexual fantasies and sexual feelings
00:19:56
towards people and that was bad.
00:19:59
Basically, anything and everything
00:20:01
sexual in nature was bad until it was
00:20:04
within the context of marriage.
00:20:06
Here's my problem with that thinking.
00:20:09
The human body gets horny, right?
00:20:13
It's going to have an emotional, a
00:20:14
chemical, a physical response to stuff.
00:20:18
And when you think about all that stuff
00:20:20
as being bad,
00:20:22
it results in a lot of shame and a lot
00:20:24
of guilt. But these reactions don't just
00:20:26
stop because we say they're bad. The
00:20:29
human body gets horny. So, how do we fix
00:20:31
it? Well, we get married. And so I'm not
00:20:35
really all that surprised that young
00:20:36
people equate marriage with sex because
00:20:40
for many of us that's the message that
00:20:42
we hear over and over and over again.
00:20:44
Sex is awesome and the only way to have
00:20:47
it is in marriage. So then we can't be
00:20:50
surprised when people rush into marriage
00:20:52
because well they need sexual
00:20:54
fulfillment, right? And once they get in
00:20:57
the rosecolored glasses pop off, right?
00:20:59
The hormone goggles disappear and you
00:21:02
start to question. you start to ask
00:21:04
questions. What have I gotten myself
00:21:06
into? Uh maybe their partner is actually
00:21:09
awful, right? And but because we had,
00:21:11
you know, those goggles on, I ignored
00:21:14
red flags along the way. Maybe we're not
00:21:17
a good fit, you know? And I find this
00:21:20
I'm gonna say funny, but I honestly find
00:21:23
it I think more sad because I watched
00:21:26
this happen time and time again with
00:21:28
people I grew up with, with people I
00:21:30
went to college with. Uh cuz I went to a
00:21:32
small Christian college and I watched
00:21:33
these people get married super young,
00:21:36
probably for the reason of
00:21:40
I'm horny. I want sex. The only way to
00:21:43
get sex is to get married. I know that
00:21:45
I'm probably coming off as somebody
00:21:47
who's like pro premarital sex and I just
00:21:51
think it's a choice. Have it, don't have
00:21:54
it. I don't really care. That's up to
00:21:56
you. That's up to your decision of what
00:21:58
you want to do with your life. What I
00:22:01
care more about and what I'm talking
00:22:03
more about is the fact that I think
00:22:05
people should have a healthy view of
00:22:07
what sex is, right? I'm pro sexed, if
00:22:10
you will. I don't feel like I was 100%
00:22:13
afforded that and I would have valued a
00:22:18
legitimate sex talk, right? The
00:22:20
Christian environment that I grew up in
00:22:22
villainized sex to the point where I
00:22:26
today wouldn't be surprised if Christian
00:22:29
couples are not having sex because of
00:22:32
the guilt and the shame because I know
00:22:34
that feeling, right? It's this habit
00:22:37
that got built up inside of us that sex
00:22:39
is bad and this understanding of what
00:22:42
sex is and how sex is bad. And that
00:22:45
doesn't just flip a switch overnight,
00:22:48
right? It doesn't just turn to sex is
00:22:51
good just because I'm married. No, our
00:22:53
brains don't operate that way. It's like
00:22:55
a bad habit. You learn a bad habit and
00:22:57
it takes a lot of unlearning to get you
00:22:59
out of that bad habit.
00:23:02
Another thing I wanted to highlight
00:23:04
about this this book or at least just
00:23:06
remind you of is the fact that this is
00:23:09
written by a 21-year-old guy. Okay. And
00:23:13
he probably it came out when he was 21.
00:23:16
He probably started writing it in 1920 I
00:23:19
would I would assume. And while he did
00:23:21
go on soon after this to get married, it
00:23:24
was still a few years and then he
00:23:26
released his marriage book. But I just
00:23:28
find it so interesting that we put this
00:23:32
single guy as the expert on what godly
00:23:36
relationships leading to marriage should
00:23:38
look like. Somebody who has not
00:23:40
experienced that. So I just want to
00:23:42
remind you of that. Let's get into
00:23:44
chapter 14. It's called What Matters at
00:23:47
50? The character qualities and
00:23:49
attitudes that matter most in a life
00:23:51
partner. Josh starts off by saying this.
00:23:54
He goes, "As I ponder the foreverness of
00:23:56
marriage, one question keeps rattling
00:23:58
through my mind. What qualities should I
00:24:01
look for in a wife? When I think of that
00:24:03
question, I know the answer entails many
00:24:05
deep internal characteristics. But in
00:24:08
everyday life, I still find it difficult
00:24:09
to get past the superficial. A cute girl
00:24:12
walks in the room and all my common
00:24:14
sense evaporates. How many times have I
00:24:16
made a complete fool of myself by
00:24:18
falling head over heels for someone
00:24:20
simply because of their charm and
00:24:22
beauty? too many times. As we move along
00:24:25
in the chapter, we get into a section
00:24:27
called glimpses of true character. And
00:24:29
uh Josh has us look at three areas of a
00:24:32
person's life. And those are how a
00:24:34
person relates to God, how a person
00:24:36
relates to others, and a person's
00:24:39
personal discipline. Say that three
00:24:41
times fast. So, let's just go down the
00:24:43
list starting with how a person relates
00:24:45
to God. The book says this. Look for and
00:24:48
work on becoming a man or woman who as a
00:24:51
single seeks God wholeheartedly putting
00:24:53
him before anything else. Don't worry
00:24:56
about impressing the opposite sex.
00:24:58
Instead, strive to please and glorify
00:24:59
God. And along the way, you'll catch the
00:25:02
attention of people with the same
00:25:03
priorities. You know what's funny about
00:25:06
this whole don't be worried about what
00:25:08
others do, but also this little caveat
00:25:11
at the end of like, but don't worry,
00:25:13
you'll get the attention of the right
00:25:14
people uh as you do this, right? as you
00:25:17
as you strive to make your whole life
00:25:19
about God. I find it really funny
00:25:22
because
00:25:24
I worked in churches. I know a lot of
00:25:25
people who went to churches and
00:25:27
specifically with the guys, I know that
00:25:30
we sometimes would put on the good
00:25:32
Christian guy outfit of like say this,
00:25:36
do that, act this way during worship,
00:25:39
take communion at this time, do these
00:25:40
little things, um quote this scripture,
00:25:44
you know, all these different things.
00:25:46
And it was like very performative
00:25:48
because it was just kind of that like we
00:25:50
knew that that would be attractive to to
00:25:54
the girls. The other thing that I find
00:25:56
kind of weird about this is this idea
00:25:59
and I think we all know people like this
00:26:01
who make their whole identity like this
00:26:05
obsession of like God. Um or it seems
00:26:09
obsessive about like God and they only
00:26:11
ever want to talk about God and they
00:26:12
only want to talk about church and the
00:26:14
Bible and Christianity and all these
00:26:16
different things. And then you start to
00:26:18
like dive into who they are as people
00:26:20
and ask them about hobbies and they have
00:26:22
nothing else. And I find that really
00:26:24
weird because I talked about this on I
00:26:27
think the last episode.
00:26:29
The importance of like having
00:26:33
something else, right, that's
00:26:35
interesting about who you are as a
00:26:37
person besides just I'm a Christian.
00:26:40
Do you like music? Do you like movies?
00:26:42
Do you have a special hobby, a special
00:26:44
gift, a special whatever that you enjoy
00:26:47
and can talk about for hours and hours
00:26:48
and hours? Right? We as humans, that's
00:26:51
just like something that
00:26:53
we we find attractive in other people is
00:26:55
their interests. Let's take a look at
00:26:58
how a person relates to others. Okay.
00:27:00
Josh talks about looking at four
00:27:02
different categories, if you will, of
00:27:04
people uh in someone's life and how they
00:27:07
interact with them to evaluate your
00:27:09
future partner. Okay, those four
00:27:11
categories are authorities, parents, the
00:27:14
opposite sex, and companions. Now, I'm
00:27:16
only going to look at one. Okay, I'm
00:27:18
going to look at authorities.
00:27:20
And he says this in the book. He says,
00:27:22
"A guy who can't follow legitimate
00:27:24
orders will have difficulty holding a
00:27:26
job or receiving pastoral correction
00:27:28
when needed. A girl who can't respect a
00:27:31
teacher or a coach's authority will have
00:27:33
difficulty honoring her husband." Right
00:27:35
off the rip, you probably know where I'm
00:27:37
about to go with this. I find it so
00:27:39
interesting that when it comes to a
00:27:42
woman being able to submit to authority,
00:27:45
Josh talks about her being able to
00:27:47
submit to a husband. However, when he
00:27:50
talks about a man being able to submit
00:27:52
to authority, there's no mention about
00:27:53
him being able to submit to his wife. So
00:27:57
conveniently inside of Christianity, we
00:27:59
take the Bible verse that's uh you know
00:28:02
a woman is supposed to submit to her
00:28:04
husband and we leave conveniently out
00:28:06
the second part of that verse which is
00:28:08
and man is also supposed to submit to
00:28:10
his wife.
00:28:12
I wrote in my notes I said she's also
00:28:15
deserving of respect because when you're
00:28:17
in a relationship it's a partnership.
00:28:20
It's not a dictatorship. Her voice has
00:28:22
power uh and it matters. Okay. Neither
00:28:26
partner can control everything. It just
00:28:28
isn't going to end well. And I don't
00:28:30
just mean she's in charge of the house,
00:28:33
like cleaning, cooking, all that type of
00:28:35
stuff.
00:28:37
What I do mean is you learn to play to
00:28:39
each other's strengths. Okay? That to me
00:28:42
is a very important part of your life. I
00:28:45
enjoy cooking more than Maddie does. So,
00:28:47
I do a lot of cooking. I just enjoy it.
00:28:49
That's a part of who I am as a person.
00:28:52
Maddie is better at doing other things
00:28:53
that I'm not as skilled at or I just
00:28:56
don't want to do or whatever. We play to
00:28:58
that. That is a part of us figuring out
00:29:01
in our relationship the things that work
00:29:03
the best together. It's a partnership.
00:29:06
We have to communicate and talk and
00:29:08
figure it out together. The last thing
00:29:12
as we work our way through character
00:29:14
qualities is personal discipline. And
00:29:17
Josh says this, "We are examining
00:29:19
whether a good potential spouse fosters
00:29:21
habits that are disobedient to God or
00:29:24
revealing of a deeper disregard for
00:29:26
others." He lays out then a couple of
00:29:28
areas to look at, including things like
00:29:30
how a person spends their time, how they
00:29:33
handle money, and how they take care of
00:29:34
their body. I'm just going to focus on
00:29:37
the body because in there is the
00:29:40
clothing, is the modesty piece of it.
00:29:42
And he says this geared towards women.
00:29:45
He says, "A girl who dresses immodestly
00:29:48
may catch a guy's attention, but what
00:29:51
does her clothing say about her heart?"
00:29:54
And I put in my notes, I'm like, "I'm so
00:29:56
tired of the modesty thing." Okay, I'm
00:29:58
so tired of it. Of course, he doesn't
00:30:00
spell out what modesty is. He leaves it
00:30:03
up for interpretation. And as we just
00:30:05
discussed when we're looking at uh a
00:30:07
godly woman, she is one that uh will
00:30:10
submit to authority. So when our when
00:30:13
her pastor says girls wearing spaghetti
00:30:15
straps uh spaghetti strap tank tops is
00:30:18
sinful uh and you really should only be
00:30:21
leaving the house wearing a long sleeve
00:30:22
top. It's reinforcing this idea that men
00:30:25
cannot control their thoughts or their
00:30:27
actions towards women and that it's a
00:30:29
woman's responsibility to keep men pure.
00:30:32
It's also reinforcing this thought that
00:30:34
women can't think for themselves. Now,
00:30:36
Josh doesn't leave the dudes out on this
00:30:38
one because he has this to say about men
00:30:41
and their clothes. He says, "A guy who
00:30:43
spends his money on the latest style may
00:30:45
have the appearance of togetherness, but
00:30:47
his infatuation with fashion could mean
00:30:49
he's too preoccupied with what people
00:30:51
think of him, and that he may make poor
00:30:53
decisions with this money." Now, this
00:30:56
one hit home for me because while I
00:30:58
maybe don't as much anymore, I used to
00:31:00
be really into fashion and I took a lot
00:31:03
of risks. Uh, some of you who've known
00:31:06
me for a long time know some of those
00:31:08
risks. Not going to show pictures. Go
00:31:10
search them up. Remember for yourselves.
00:31:13
But for me, fashion and clothes was very
00:31:17
much like a hobby. I was interested in
00:31:19
it because for a couple of reasons. One,
00:31:22
I like the history of it. I like
00:31:24
understanding what kind of made timeless
00:31:25
fashion as opposed to something that was
00:31:27
trendy. But also, I've always kind of
00:31:30
been of the mindset that when you look
00:31:32
good on the outside, you feel good on
00:31:34
the inside. So, Josh, your argument, I
00:31:37
think, is just kind of dumb. Just being
00:31:40
honest. There's one last thing I want to
00:31:42
touch on in this chapter, and that is
00:31:44
knowing if they're the one. Josh tells a
00:31:48
story at the very end about a guy who
00:31:50
emails him and wrote this in the email.
00:31:52
He said, "How could I possibly get to
00:31:54
know a person well enough before
00:31:55
marriage to know if they're right? It
00:31:58
seems like getting married is like
00:31:59
jumping off a cliff. This struck a chord
00:32:02
with me because when I was a teenager,
00:32:04
there was a very big push in my circles
00:32:06
of friends, in the church I went to of
00:32:09
this like knowing God's will for your
00:32:12
life. And a lot of my friends took it to
00:32:16
this extreme of like knowing having to
00:32:19
be so certain of
00:32:22
of the things that they're going to do
00:32:24
with their life. to where they're going
00:32:25
to go to college and what they're going
00:32:26
to study as a career and what they're
00:32:28
going to the person they're going to
00:32:29
date and all these different things and
00:32:31
they had this like they needed to know
00:32:32
the answer uh before like living life,
00:32:37
right? I think that that ruins a piece
00:32:40
of like what life is about, which is
00:32:43
making mistakes and learning lessons,
00:32:45
right? Got one more thing in my notes
00:32:47
that I want to share on this and that's
00:32:48
that I think that the purity culture
00:32:50
movement was so set on having kids and
00:32:52
young adults get it right on the first
00:32:54
try that they missed the point of life
00:32:57
which is living. The constant
00:32:59
bombardment of doing the right thing,
00:33:01
keeping ourselves holy, resisting sin
00:33:04
forced us to forget that our sins were
00:33:06
paid right our debt was paid. If you
00:33:09
believe that Jesus Christ died on the
00:33:10
sin, died on the cross to pay for our
00:33:12
sins like we were forgetting that. I
00:33:15
think because we were so worried that by
00:33:17
doing something that was against the
00:33:19
will of God, we would be entering into
00:33:21
sin and that was bad. When the reality
00:33:24
is we make choices in life and there's
00:33:26
consequences to those actions, they're
00:33:29
good or they're bad consequences, right?
00:33:31
For every action there's a reaction.
00:33:34
Chapter 15 is uh called principled
00:33:37
romance and this is Josh laying out his
00:33:40
new structure, right? the new principles
00:33:42
that will guide you from friendship to
00:33:45
matrimony. Okay? And he says this, he
00:33:48
says, "This is a new pattern for
00:33:49
relationships that can help us avoid the
00:33:51
problems that are often encountered in
00:33:53
traditional dating." So what is the
00:33:56
pattern? We go from casual friends to
00:33:59
deeper friendship, from deeper
00:34:00
friendship to purposeful intimacy with
00:34:04
integrity, and from purposeful intimacy
00:34:06
to engagement. Notice how there's no
00:34:09
dating because at this point we've
00:34:11
kissed dating goodbye. So, right into
00:34:13
it, we don't even talk about casual
00:34:16
friendships in this chapter. He drives
00:34:18
straight into deeper friendships. And he
00:34:20
says this. He uh he uses this kind of
00:34:23
like story of his little sister. And he
00:34:25
says, "One spring day, my four-year-old
00:34:27
sister was so excited to see the first
00:34:29
flowers pushing up out of the soil that
00:34:32
she plucked a handful of the unopened
00:34:34
buds and proudly gave them to our mom.
00:34:37
My mom was so disappointed by my
00:34:38
sister's impatience that she said, "You
00:34:41
picked them too soon. They're a lot
00:34:43
prettier when they're they've been
00:34:45
allowed to bloom." He goes on to say,
00:34:47
"We're often guilty of the same
00:34:49
impatience in our relationship. Instead
00:34:51
of waiting until friendship fully
00:34:53
blooms, we rush into romance. Our
00:34:56
impatience not only costs us the beauty
00:34:58
of friendship as singles, it can also
00:35:01
place our future marriages on shaky
00:35:03
ground. Strong marriages are built on a
00:35:05
solid foundation of the mutual respect,
00:35:08
appreciation, and camaraderie of
00:35:09
friendship. Controversial take here, but
00:35:12
I kind of don't disagree that strong
00:35:14
marriages are built on uh on friendship.
00:35:18
My marriage is built on friendship. Uh a
00:35:20
lot of people I know who have very
00:35:22
strong relationships, it's built on
00:35:23
friendship. So, I don't I don't disagree
00:35:26
on that. How we get there is where we're
00:35:28
going to disagree. So, when it comes to
00:35:30
relationships, Josh is so concerned that
00:35:32
we rush into romance and that it
00:35:34
obscures a person's ability to see
00:35:36
someone for who they truly are, right?
00:35:39
Our hormones and our infatuation, they
00:35:40
overwhelm and uh we see things more in
00:35:43
like a honeymoon kind of a way. And this
00:35:46
is what he's been saying for the
00:35:47
majority of the book. We leave out the
00:35:49
romance, we leave out the physicality,
00:35:52
we leave out the hormones and the
00:35:54
infatuation and all of that stuff. We
00:35:56
leave all that out. We build friendship
00:35:58
that gets us ultimately to marriage.
00:36:01
Now, here's where we disagree a little
00:36:04
bit. I think that the romance aspect can
00:36:07
work in tandem with the building of the
00:36:09
friendship aspect. Okay? They can both
00:36:12
be there.
00:36:13
The fun date nights, the buying the
00:36:15
gifts, the cutesy texts, the love notes,
00:36:17
all the stuff that he says has to wait
00:36:19
until you're married.
00:36:22
All of that can be happening and you can
00:36:25
still show an interest in getting to
00:36:27
know who that person is.
00:36:30
What are the things that light them up,
00:36:32
right? What are the things that they
00:36:34
value? It doesn't have to be separated.
00:36:37
As we move on in the chapter, Josh gives
00:36:39
us the green lights, right? That mean we
00:36:42
can start to pursue marriage. Okay? And
00:36:44
those green lights include, are we
00:36:46
seeking God's word and is our partner
00:36:48
seeking God's word? Are we marriage
00:36:51
ready?
00:36:52
Do we have the approval and support from
00:36:54
the community? Uh, right, our families,
00:36:56
our loved ones, and do we feel the peace
00:36:59
of God? As he goes through these, he
00:37:01
lists out some of the things that would
00:37:02
make instant nos, right? If a person
00:37:05
isn't a Christian, not the one. Uh, if
00:37:08
you aren't spiritually mature,
00:37:10
emotionally mature, or financially
00:37:11
mature, not ready. If your family
00:37:14
doesn't approve, don't get married. If
00:37:17
your stomach don't sit right, you're not
00:37:19
ready. So I do agree that there's a
00:37:21
level of I think maturity that people
00:37:23
should be at. They should have some
00:37:25
common ground on their values.
00:37:28
Personally for me, my family's input is
00:37:30
important to me and was important to me
00:37:32
when I was getting married. So while I
00:37:35
agree with some of these things, I think
00:37:37
the black and white nature of what he's
00:37:40
doing is where it's a little bit
00:37:42
dangerous. Okay. If it's not this, then
00:37:44
no. If it's not that, then no. Um,
00:37:48
maturity can mean a lot of things,
00:37:49
right? I got married when I was 22 and I
00:37:53
felt like at the time I was ready to get
00:37:56
married. Uh, looking back, maybe I was,
00:37:59
maybe I wasn't. Uh, I'll never know if I
00:38:01
wasn't because, well, I don't get to go
00:38:05
back in time and not do it. But
00:38:08
I've grown up a lot since then. Okay,
00:38:11
seven years since then. A lot's changed.
00:38:15
I've changed a lot as a person.
00:38:17
Mattiey's changed a lot as a person. We
00:38:18
evolved, right?
00:38:21
The other thing I wanted to say is that
00:38:22
at the end of the day, your relationship
00:38:24
is your relationship. Sure, it's great
00:38:26
to have the approval and the support of
00:38:29
loved ones, but ultimately at the end of
00:38:31
the day, you know what's best for you.
00:38:34
Nobody else gets to make that decision
00:38:36
for you. Sprinkled throughout this
00:38:38
chapter is kind of a bunch about uh
00:38:40
parental involvement and participation
00:38:43
and approval and all those kind of
00:38:44
things. So, I I kind of I'm lumping them
00:38:46
all together in this section. And uh he
00:38:49
says this at one point in the book, uh
00:38:52
talking about somebody who was kind of
00:38:54
gearing up to basically pursue somebody.
00:38:57
He says, "But before he went into
00:38:59
action, he chose to give proper honor to
00:39:01
Shel's parents first by asking their
00:39:03
permission to grow closer to their
00:39:04
daughter and for the purpose of pursuing
00:39:08
marriage." So, I knew this girl in
00:39:10
college who uh she wouldn't date a guy
00:39:13
until they had called her dad and gotten
00:39:15
permission. And I will never forget the
00:39:17
look on her face when I said, "If I ever
00:39:19
ask you out, I'm I'm not getting on the
00:39:21
phone with your dad to ask his
00:39:22
permission. That's like a waste of my
00:39:24
time. It's a waste of his time. If you
00:39:26
don't trust yourself uh to make that
00:39:28
decision, then you're probably not
00:39:31
somebody I want to date anyways." And
00:39:32
the look of shock on her face was
00:39:34
absolutely
00:39:36
crazy. I just believed and I still do
00:39:40
that like when it comes to dating
00:39:44
we need to enable people to have agency
00:39:47
over their body and feel like they can
00:39:49
make decisions for themselves. Okay. And
00:39:53
you know a a side note to this is then
00:39:56
it kind of leads to also that like well
00:39:58
do you ask for a parents permission for
00:40:00
marriage? And that's a little bit more
00:40:02
of a traditional thing. I'm not going to
00:40:05
lie. I did ask permission. My
00:40:07
mother-in-law was like, "Are you crazy?
00:40:09
Of course you have permission. Like, you
00:40:11
didn't even need to ask." I do
00:40:13
understand that one a little bit more. I
00:40:15
don't view it so much as a permission
00:40:17
ask just a
00:40:20
letting them know, giving them the
00:40:22
intention of like this is something I'm
00:40:23
going to do. Uh I would like your
00:40:27
blessing uh to pursue that. But, you
00:40:31
know, I'm personally somebody who even
00:40:33
if they said no, maybe it would have
00:40:35
given me some pause to think about it.
00:40:37
But I I knew pretty well in my heart
00:40:39
that's what I wanted to do. He goes on
00:40:41
to talk about uh how now that we've
00:40:43
asked permission to pursue or to get
00:40:46
closer and with the idea of pursuing for
00:40:49
marriage. He says, "At this point,
00:40:51
invite the girl's parents to ask pointed
00:40:54
questions. What kind of plan do you have
00:40:56
to support our daughter? what kind of
00:40:57
activities will you pursue as you
00:40:59
attempt to win her hand in marriage? And
00:41:03
uh he goes on to talk about like this
00:41:06
testing, right? And it's very like
00:41:08
stereotypical
00:41:10
like dad being against the boyfriend
00:41:13
like how are you going to, you know,
00:41:14
provide for my daughter and what are you
00:41:16
going to do for her and you're never
00:41:17
going to be good enough and like all
00:41:19
this kind of stuff. And it's just really
00:41:24
weird. It plays again into that
00:41:26
stereotype that all the boys want out of
00:41:28
a girl is sex. Uh they could never want
00:41:31
just like an actual healthy relationship
00:41:33
from them. But I also wondered this I
00:41:37
wondered how does this
00:41:40
make girls feel? Like do you feel like
00:41:43
you have choice over your body? Do you
00:41:46
feel like you have choice over who you
00:41:48
can date? Do you feel trusted by your
00:41:50
parents to actually make good decisions?
00:41:52
Do you not? like it's very weird
00:41:55
behavior.
00:41:57
The other thing as it goes on, he talks
00:42:00
about being put on trial, right? And
00:42:02
being grilled and prodded like a wild
00:42:04
animal. And uh and he says this about
00:42:07
like how he thinks parents will react to
00:42:09
this. He says, "Unfortunately, I think
00:42:11
many parents won't really care. They may
00:42:14
think you're being melodramatic or
00:42:15
taking things too seriously." And I said
00:42:17
this, "Uh yeah, no [ __ ] Sherlock. uh
00:42:21
you're being over the top, right? You're
00:42:23
putting this heavy emphasis on having
00:42:26
all these questions answered, these big
00:42:27
life questions. As you get to know
00:42:30
people, right? When you're dating
00:42:31
somebody and you get to know their
00:42:33
family and you get to know the people
00:42:35
that surround them and their loved ones,
00:42:37
naturally, they're going to ask you
00:42:39
questions that are about your job and
00:42:41
what you do and what you value as a
00:42:43
human because you you're becoming
00:42:46
friends with them. you're building an
00:42:48
intimate relationship also with those
00:42:50
people where there's a closeness and a
00:42:52
comfortability with those people. So
00:42:54
those things are naturally going to come
00:42:56
up. But by forcing them to be at such an
00:42:59
early stage sometimes, right, where it's
00:43:02
like you don't even know if you like
00:43:04
this person yet a lot of times, right?
00:43:07
you just are taking it a you have an
00:43:09
interest so you're taking it a step
00:43:11
above but you're like now you're just
00:43:13
demanding that their family grill you
00:43:15
and quiz you and ask you all these
00:43:17
questions as if it's like I have to get
00:43:20
an A+ on my test um so that I get
00:43:23
approval to you know move on to the next
00:43:26
letter grade. It's like no it's not like
00:43:30
that. It's not a test of like you know
00:43:33
will you pass or not. It's a very much a
00:43:35
it's a discovering time. It's a learning
00:43:38
time together. All of this asking for
00:43:41
parents permission and the involvement
00:43:44
of family leads into his next point
00:43:47
which is about bringing romance home.
00:43:49
And he says this about it. He says, "One
00:43:51
of the most unfortunate aspects of
00:43:53
contemporary dating is the way that it
00:43:55
has removed the process of romance from
00:43:57
the warmth and reality of the home. Find
00:44:00
creative ways in your own relationship
00:44:02
to keep focus on learning, testing, and
00:44:05
growth, not just reveling in romantic
00:44:07
love.
00:44:09
There's a little bit of yada yada in the
00:44:10
middle of that. But
00:44:13
what I think is so weird about this is
00:44:16
like I knew too many kids that they
00:44:18
ended up in courtship situations. Their
00:44:20
parents were heavily involved. they went
00:44:21
on every date with them or a sibling
00:44:23
went on a date with them and there was
00:44:24
like this very like handholdy like we
00:44:26
don't trust you uh kind of a thing and
00:44:31
oh man I just like cannot imagine having
00:44:35
dated in a scenario like that. I think
00:44:37
it would have just been god awful and I
00:44:40
probably would have like sworn off
00:44:41
dating forever because ultimately at the
00:44:45
end of the day when you partner up with
00:44:47
somebody and you decide to live with
00:44:50
them, to get serious with them, to marry
00:44:52
them, whatever it may be, you're living
00:44:55
with that person. you're not. Yes,
00:44:57
there's a degree to which you have to
00:44:59
live with the in-laws and you have to
00:45:00
live with the siblings and all those
00:45:02
types of things, but at the end of the
00:45:03
day, there's you and one other person in
00:45:06
that relationship. And it's like
00:45:11
it's overwhelming when you start to get
00:45:14
all of these other people involved. Uh,
00:45:17
and it just becomes like I'm dating six
00:45:19
people instead of I'm just dating one
00:45:21
person. As we get near to the end of
00:45:24
this chapter, he has a section that I
00:45:27
have titled, "Let's get physical dot dot
00:45:29
dot or not." And he says, "I've
00:45:32
committed to waiting even for a kiss
00:45:34
until I'm married. I want my first kiss
00:45:36
with my wife to be on our wedding day. I
00:45:39
know that sounds archaic to many, and
00:45:41
truthfully, I would have scoffed at the
00:45:43
idea myself four years ago. But I've
00:45:46
come to realize how sinful and
00:45:48
meaningless physical intimacy can be
00:45:51
apart from the commitment and purity of
00:45:53
marriage.
00:45:56
What did he just say? That physical
00:45:58
intimacy outside of marriage is sinful
00:46:00
and meaningless. It corrupts the purity
00:46:02
of marriage. And I was really heated
00:46:04
when I wrote this and I said, "Fuck
00:46:06
off."
00:46:08
Again with this narrative of
00:46:11
anything sexual, anything deemed a
00:46:13
sexual sin, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad,
00:46:16
vows happen, marriage happens, we commit
00:46:20
everything sexual, good, good, good,
00:46:21
good, good. The human mind doesn't work
00:46:24
this way. It doesn't pingpong back and
00:46:26
forth. It requires work, dedication, and
00:46:29
unlearning to break the habit.
00:46:33
The values of purity culture are
00:46:35
building bad habits when it comes to
00:46:37
physical romantic relationships and sex.
00:46:39
I had to pull out the book for this last
00:46:41
part because I have so many highlighted
00:46:43
things on this last page. I think it's
00:46:45
the worst advice in the entire book. And
00:46:48
it says this,
00:46:50
where physical progression begins, depth
00:46:54
progression ends. In other words, as
00:46:56
soon as we begin to focus on the
00:46:58
physical side of our relationship, the
00:47:00
spiritual and emotional side ceases to
00:47:02
deepen. Make a commitment to God,
00:47:04
parents, Christian mentors, friends, and
00:47:06
your partner to let your passion sleep,
00:47:08
stirring up your desire for the marriage
00:47:10
bed. It will awaken with joy at the
00:47:13
proper time. My reaction to this was
00:47:15
this. This is pure laziness. It's not a
00:47:18
you can have one or the other, but not
00:47:20
both. Like, you can have both. It just
00:47:23
takes work and dedication and effort.
00:47:26
Okay, as we go down the page, he hits on
00:47:30
privacy. Part of keeping this kind of
00:47:32
commitment involves avoiding settings
00:47:34
given to temptation. This doesn't mean
00:47:36
you can never have privacy, but two
00:47:38
people can have privacy and time alone
00:47:40
without completely isolating themselves
00:47:42
from parents and friends. When you do
00:47:44
have activities that involve just the
00:47:46
two of you, make sure you carefully plan
00:47:48
your time. Avoid a sensual focus and
00:47:51
atmosphere and let someone know where
00:47:53
you'll be and when you'll be home. I
00:47:56
wrote down what do you mean privacy
00:47:59
while being around other people. The
00:48:01
definition of privacy is the state or
00:48:03
condition of being free from uh being
00:48:06
observed or disturbed by other people.
00:48:09
Like you literally can't that can't
00:48:11
happen when you've got people around.
00:48:13
And this solution of being accountable
00:48:15
to only being out a certain period of
00:48:17
time, having people know exactly where
00:48:19
you are. It refuses to allow people to
00:48:21
have agency over themselves. We're not
00:48:23
trusted to make smart decisions. And
00:48:26
that's ultimately what a lot of this
00:48:27
book boils down to. You can't trust
00:48:29
yourself. And so you need to trust
00:48:31
others to make decisions for you. As we
00:48:34
move down the page, he says this.
00:48:36
Remember, by delaying sexual
00:48:37
involvement, you're storing up passion
00:48:39
and making sexual love within your
00:48:40
marriage that much more meaningful.
00:48:42
Don't allow impatience now to rob you of
00:48:45
an undefiled, passionate sexual
00:48:47
relationship in marriage. Josh claims
00:48:50
that by delaying sexual involvement,
00:48:52
you're storing up passion and making
00:48:53
sexual love within your marriage that
00:48:55
much more meaningful. So sex outside of
00:48:58
marriage is meaningless. Huh? It has no
00:49:00
value.
00:49:02
I know what he's getting at. It makes us
00:49:05
less of a person because we're giving
00:49:07
ourselves away. I now choose to view it
00:49:12
as a learning experience. There's plenty
00:49:14
of me to go around. It doesn't make me
00:49:17
less of a person because I chose to give
00:49:20
of myself. Again, make your own decision
00:49:23
of whether you want to have sex before
00:49:25
marriage or not. I don't really care.
00:49:28
But this messaging that save yourself,
00:49:31
save yourself, save yourself, save
00:49:32
yourself because as soon as you have
00:49:35
sex, you've given that piece of yourself
00:49:37
away and you never can get that back.
00:49:39
It's this very dangerous
00:49:42
narrative that there's like only so much
00:49:45
of you to go around, that there's only
00:49:47
so much, that your value is wrapped up
00:49:49
in your sex life, that your value is
00:49:51
wrapped up in how many bodies you've
00:49:53
been with, that your value is wrapped up
00:49:55
in da da da da. It's just [ __ ] and
00:49:58
it leads to this really screwed up way
00:50:02
of thinking about how you view your
00:50:04
body, sex, and relationships. The last
00:50:07
thing that he says in this chapter is
00:50:09
the new pattern we've discussed is only
00:50:11
an outline. As with anything, a couple
00:50:14
can manipulate it to fulfill only the
00:50:16
minimal requirements. But I believe such
00:50:19
manipulation will rob a couple of
00:50:21
experiencing God's best. My response was
00:50:24
this. Bro, what do you know? You're 20,
00:50:28
not married. You're a stupid idiot that
00:50:32
hasn't even kissed someone. But more
00:50:34
importantly, these sentences highlight
00:50:36
why when I was 14 reading this, I didn't
00:50:40
want to stray from it. Because if I did,
00:50:42
I'd be robbing myself of God's best.
00:50:45
What a croc of [ __ ] I have really
00:50:48
nothing to say about chapter 16 because
00:50:50
chapter 16, I think, is a complete waste
00:50:52
of time.
00:50:53
He basically goes on to tell his
00:50:55
parents' love story, which equates to
00:50:59
them seeing each other at a coffee shop,
00:51:01
his dad asking his mom out. She says,
00:51:03
"No." Uh, he says, "Maybe I'll call you
00:51:07
sometime." She says, "Maybe." And then
00:51:10
him, his dad hearing a voice, uh, the
00:51:13
voice of God apparently,
00:51:15
telling him not to call her. And that's
00:51:18
literally where the book ends. We still
00:51:20
have no clue how his parents got
00:51:22
together. We really don't know their
00:51:23
love story. It's meant to be this story
00:51:26
of listening for the voice of God,
00:51:30
right, and waiting until the timing is
00:51:33
right and all those things. But we don't
00:51:36
even know how it like got started to be
00:51:39
honest. So, it's just I don't even think
00:51:41
it's worth talking about to be honest.
00:51:44
That's it.
00:51:46
We made it. Made it through the book
00:51:49
finally. Um, thank you. Thank you. Thank
00:51:51
you. if you made it this far. Um, first
00:51:53
and foremost, secondly, I hope you got
00:51:56
something out of this. Um, this has been
00:51:58
a brutal experience for me. Um, I know
00:52:01
based on a couple comments from you guys
00:52:03
and messages that I've received, I know
00:52:05
that reliving some of this has not been
00:52:07
fun. Uh, it's not fun for me either. Um,
00:52:10
it's brought up things that I didn't
00:52:11
even remember that I maybe blacked out
00:52:14
of my life. But, um, but I think it's
00:52:17
been good. I think it's been a little
00:52:18
therapeutic. This is a topic that I want
00:52:21
to I'm going to continue to talk about.
00:52:22
I'm going to continue to educate myself
00:52:24
on. These are important topics and I
00:52:26
think it's it's something I'm passionate
00:52:28
about. Hopefully that comes across. Uh I
00:52:31
want to continue to learn and educate
00:52:33
and make myself a better human. Um and
00:52:37
talking about it is one way that I do
00:52:38
that, sharing my experience uh with
00:52:41
people. So
00:52:43
that being said, I got really nothing
00:52:45
else for you guys. Do me a favor. If you
00:52:47
made it this far, do all of the internet
00:52:49
things that you know how to do. Like,
00:52:51
comment, subscribe, share it with a
00:52:53
friend. Uh, you know, if you don't feel
00:52:56
like leaving a comment, that's cool. If
00:52:58
you want to shoot me a DM, you totally
00:52:59
can. Exhub on Instagram, threads, Tik
00:53:03
Tok, or you can shoot me an email at
00:53:05
00:53:08
And uh, I do my best to try to respond
00:53:10
to you guys. Uh, but yeah, that's I
00:53:12
think all I got for you. Until we uh,
00:53:15
meet again. Peace.
00:53:18
[Music]
00:53:30
[Music]
