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I read I kissing goodbye so you don't
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have to. This is the exhomeschoolers
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club where we talk about the good, the
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bad, and the ugly of growing up a
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homeschool kid.
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[Music]
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I'm your host, Jacob Gooden, and uh
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we're back for another episode of the
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best exhomeschooler show this side of
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the internet. And you heard me right.
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I'm talking about I kissing goodbye.
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Now, if you've never heard of this book,
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first and foremost, be thankful. But uh
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basically this book was like the manual.
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It was the instruction book that led to
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pretty much what purity culture looked
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like from the 90s to almost the 2020s.
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Okay. Now, if you don't know what purity
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culture is, here it is. Purity culture
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is a term used to describe a set of
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beliefs and practices primarily within
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evangelical Christian communities that
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emphasize sexual abstinence before
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marriage and often equate virginity with
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moral purity and value. It has
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significant social and psychological
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implications impacting individuals
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understanding of sexuality,
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relationships and their own self-worth.
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Now what is I kiss dating goodbye? It is
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described as this. Tired of the game?
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Kiss dating goodbye. Dating? Isn't there
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a better way? I kiss dating goodbye
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suggests there is. Reorder your romantic
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life in the light of God's word and find
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more fulfillment than a date could ever
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give. A life of sincere love, true
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purity, and purposeful singleness.
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Now, a little bit about the author.
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Joshua Harris, a national speaker, has
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gained a following both within and
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outside the homeschool movement. He is a
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publisher and editor of the New Attitude
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magazine and is currently in pastoral
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training at Covenant Life Church in
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Gaithersburg, Maryland. Okay. Now, when
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did this book came out? This book came
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out in 1997. So, it is an oldie. It is
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almost as old as I am. I was born in
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1996. And at the time the author of his
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book was only 21 years old. Okay. So
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this book was retracted in 2019 and uh
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Josh has since like deconstructed his
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faith. Uh he retracted he pulled this
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book from publishing along with several
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of his other books. And I think he has
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done some things to try to like make
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amends uh honestly for the harm that he
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caused a lot of like teenagers and a lot
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of young adults. uh from the 90s to
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2010s basically. So why is this book
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relevant to the homeschool community and
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why am I even talking about it? So this
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book was relevant because the Harris
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family in general is very entwined in
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the homeschool community. Uh Josh's
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parents uh Greg and Sono I think is his
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mom's name. uh they were like big major
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players um in the early years of
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Christian homeschooling. So the 80s and
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the 90s his dad uh Greg wrote a book
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called um I think it was called like the
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Christian homeschool or something like
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that. Um it was a big major catalyst for
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a lot of people. They were speakers.
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They would go to events. They were
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heavily involved in um HSLDA which is
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advocates for homeschoolers. And so his
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family very much involved in the
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homeschool realm. What is my history
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with the Harris family? So I remember I
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think my first introduction to them was
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actually his younger brothers who wrote
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a book called Do Hard Things. They came
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out when I was probably around 13ish.
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And uh that book was really about
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pushing young adults uh and young people
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to do these like big crazy things, to do
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hard things. uh they would tell stories
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about like 16-year-olds sailing around
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the world um you know and or uh other
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kids like going into war zones and
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advocating for uh
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aid and medical aid and and food aid and
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things like that. And so these like
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really wild stories and they would do
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these conferences and they kind of would
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push these kids to be they called them
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the revolution. So rebels and revolution
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mash it together. Um, so that was kind
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of at least as far as I know, my
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introduction to the Harris family. Uh, I
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also remember reading a different Josh
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Harris book called um, Sex Isn't the
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Problem, Lust is. And, uh, that was
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given to me because I had a little bit I
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got caught watching some things on the
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internet and um, and my parents thought
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that that would be a good book to help
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me. Well, I had never read this book all
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the way through. I have read sections of
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it uh when I was in high school. Um I
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think just things that ended up on blogs
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and
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uh you know from friends or or whatever.
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So so that was kind of my introduction
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to the Harris family was there's
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brothers. I had a different book but I
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always knew that this existed and I knew
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that this was a playbook. This was
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something that got talked about a lot
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was this idea of kissing dating goodbye
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courtship is the way um kind of thing.
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So,
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my initial thoughts on this book. Okay.
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I hate this book.
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I really do. This was like a hate read
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for me. Um, I picked it up. I saw it at
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a thrift store. I picked it up and I
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don't know. I just felt like I guess
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being mean to myself and forcing myself
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to read it. But it was a difficult read.
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It was a difficult read as you could
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tell. I have a lot of notes uh
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throughout this whole thing. uh a lot of
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journal entries as well to go along with
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it. And I'll be honest, I've never
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really loved what this book stood for.
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This whole idea of courtship never
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really resonated with me. I didn't
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understand how it was like so much more
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superior than dating. Um and I didn't
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have parents that really pushed that on
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me. So that that's something I also want
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to make clear is like my parents were
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not like anti-dating. Um they were not
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like telling me, "Oh, you can't kiss
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someone until you're married." Um, you
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know, they didn't want me to have sex
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until I was married. And they there was
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other things. They they wanted me to
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remain sexually pure, but
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but there was a lot of people in the
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homeschool community who were who did do
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courtship. Like they they did the thing.
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And and if you don't know what courtship
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is, it's very much, we're going to get
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into it as we unpack this book, but it's
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very much this idea that instead of
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dating, your family is very involved and
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there's very much an intention of like
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uh you being a couple with somebody is
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going to lead to marriage and and it's a
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very watched process. Family's very much
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involved in it. Um there's a lot of like
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no privacy. Again, a lot of things we're
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gonna we're gonna get into as we as we
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unpack this book. Um, and it was
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something I I remember like fighting
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friends on uh some of these ideas like
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kissing before you're married. Um, I
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remember pushing back. I just had a
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conversation with a buddy and we were
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talking about that and and how his idea
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has changed. He he was convinced he was
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not going to kiss anyone till he was
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married. Um, I was like,
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I want to be able to kiss before I'm
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married. I want to make sure like it
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looks good on the marriage day. Like I
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want to practice. Um so so there's that.
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The other thing I want to keep in mind
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as I talk about this and and kind of my
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headsp space in reading this book was
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that the author is like 21, which I
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would imagine because I know you don't
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just write a book overnight. So I would
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imagine he was between 19 and 20 while
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really writing this book. Um, that's
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really young to be giving insane dating
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advice advice that like
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was really like the gold standard in a
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lot of Christian communities for 20
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years. So, the other thing that I did
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while reading this book was I tried to
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kind of put myself in a position of
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being like 14 to 16. Um, I'm in puberty.
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I'm I'm starting to have feelings.
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Hormones are starting to kick in. Girls
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are all of a sudden uh you know looking
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mighty attractive. And so I also tried
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to put myself in the position of that.
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And what I came to realize was that a
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lot of times at that age when things
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would arise in my life, I get handed a
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book and told, "Hey, here read this.
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This will help." Um and there maybe
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wasn't always a great discussion around
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it. And this book would have benefited
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from a lot of discussion because I don't
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think that a lot of the things that are
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taught in this book are things that
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parents really
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would have aligned with. Uh maybe I'm
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mistaken. I just think that this book
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warranted more discussion around these
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things. And you'll even notice as we go
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through this book, as we get later into
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it, one of the one of the topics is like
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not discussing sexual things with the
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opposite sex. And I think that gets
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blown out of proportion a little bit in
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this book as well. So that being said,
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this book is broken into four parts. Um,
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so this is going to be multiple
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episodes. So this this we're just going
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to cover part one. I don't know uh how
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much we're going to cover in later ones,
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but there's going to be multiple
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episodes to talk about this, but we're
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going to talk about part one, which is I
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kiss Kiss Dating Goodbye. And uh yeah,
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and we're just going to kind of like
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unpack that first little bit. So, right
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off the rip, this book equates dating to
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fast food. Okay, Josh says this. I view
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dating in a similar light as I view fast
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food restaurants. It's not wrong to eat
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there, but something better uh something
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far better is available. As we'll see,
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God wants us to seek the best in
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everything, including our romantic
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relationships. As Christians, we too
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often we are too often guilty of making
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do with the world's model for
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relationships and missing out on God's
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best. I thought it was interesting
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because this whole point right here, he
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literally starts this section off with
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saying, "I don't think that dating is
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sinful." However, you make it sound
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mighty unattractive. Everyone kind of
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knows right right off the rip, right,
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that like
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fast food's not great for you. We know
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it's unhealthy. We eat it, but we know
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it's we know deep down it's kind of
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unhealthy. And so comparing dating to
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that, right? It makes it really
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unattractive. It's setting the stage.
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The second part, the second point that
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he makes right after this is rejecting
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typical dating does not mean that you'll
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never spend time alone with a guy or a
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girl.
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Um, and he goes on to say,
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I won't say that it's never appropriate
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to spend time alone with someone at the
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right time in a rel relationship. If the
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motivation is clear and the setting
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avoids temptation, going on a date can
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be healthy. And of course, he's going to
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the hope is that later in this book,
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he's going to unpack more of that and
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what does that actually look like and
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what are the guard rails for that? But
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right off the rip, I was like, man,
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these things do not sit well with me. I
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think laying it out in that way, it
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makes dating sound as if it's somewhat
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sinful. Um, and
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I was reminded really early on in
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reading this that my dad, one of the
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best things my dad ever said to me, and
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I don't know
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why he said this or the full context,
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but it is just burned in my memory. He
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would always tell me, "There's a time
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and a place for things to be sexual, and
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you have to learn what the right time
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and place is."
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Growing up in California, go to the
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beach. I think a lot of times you can't
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control, you can't control what other
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people wear or how other people are. And
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so going to the beach, I think I had a
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lot of friends who, you know, looked at
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girls in bikinis and and it would turn
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them on or would sexually excite them or
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whatever. And I think maybe it had to do
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with a conversation around that where my
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dad was like, "The beach is not a sexual
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place. It doesn't have to be. You can
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learn to control your emotions while
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you're at the beach." Um, and just have
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fun. And so anyway, that's a statement
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that's always really stuck with me is
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just the like there's a time and a place
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for things to be sexual and you have to
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learn when that time and that place is.
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So, all right, let's move on. Chapter
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one, smart love is what this chapter is
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entitled. And uh man, he kicks it off
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with a doozy. Okay, so he kicks this
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chapter off with a story about a bride
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and a groom. It's her wedding day.
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They're getting married. They're
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exchanging their vows. And as they're
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exchanging their vows, the bride is
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looking at at her groom. And all of a
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sudden, these women start like popping
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up behind him and she's like, "Who are
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these people?" and he he has to confess
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to her that they're past relationships.
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Uh they're past girlfriends. Uh and
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she's upset, right? Because she's like,
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"Well, why why are they here or
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whatever?" And he's like, "Well, I gave
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pieces of my heart to these people." Um
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and so, you know, I can't get that back,
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but everything I have left is is yours,
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right? and she wakes up from the dream
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and she's she's upset and she's
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distraught and she's even thinking about
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her own relationships of of the past and
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and how she's given her heart away and
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things like that and how they can never
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get that back and if only they had just
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like waited basically they had waited
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it could have just been perfect kind of
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a thing
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and I was like yikes first foremost
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yikes that story is wild Josh then
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follows it up with his own relationship
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experience and he doesn't really go into
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detail about his relationships, but he
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says that he has all these past
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relationships from high school and being
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a kid and things that he regrets because
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they took him away. They gave pieces of
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himself away to these these other
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people. Now, I want to say this, there's
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a lot of stories in this book that I
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don't really know if they're true. This
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being one of them, like of this woman
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sending him a letter or an email and
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saying, you know, I had this dream.
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I'm not going to say that they're not
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real, but there's a lot of conveniently
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illustrated stories throughout this
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whole book that just seem a little bit
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too good to be true. The other thing
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that this made me think about was the
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fact that like the insecurity level that
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you have to have to compare yourself to
00:14:47
somebody's past. And I'm not going to
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say that I I haven't done that. and
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haven't been there.
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But
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I even know that for myself,
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the first time I ever had sex
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afterwards, I had this just feeling of
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like I've given this piece of myself
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away. I've given my heart away. Um, I'd
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given my heart away other places, too,
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in other relationships,
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but like
00:15:17
it was like tied to my worth. And I
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think as I've gotten older, I've
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realized that like my worth is not
00:15:23
dependent on on that. Like I am a person
00:15:27
um and we give pieces of ourselves away.
00:15:29
We do. But just because I give those
00:15:31
pieces away and maybe they they break my
00:15:33
heart or they're not reciprocated or
00:15:35
whatever, doesn't make me less of a
00:15:37
human. Doesn't make me less of a person.
00:15:39
Doesn't make me capable of giving all of
00:15:42
myself to somebody. Um, and so
00:15:47
this is a common theme throughout this
00:15:48
whole book is this like constant just
00:15:50
like giving away of the heart and and it
00:15:53
being shattered into little pieces and
00:15:55
and and
00:15:57
that's like not holy and that's sinful
00:16:01
and like you need to not do that. You
00:16:03
need to just be like so certain. And I
00:16:05
think that's the problem here is that
00:16:09
the certainty. How can you be certain
00:16:12
that this is your person without hating,
00:16:15
without this intentionality? And he's
00:16:17
going to get into some of the ways. So,
00:16:20
I also wanted to bring up this quote
00:16:22
that's later in this book um later in
00:16:24
this chapter. Um and it says, let me
00:16:28
flip to it here. It says, "Does love
00:16:32
motivate the guy who sleeps with his
00:16:34
girlfriend when it will scar her
00:16:35
emotionally and damage her relationship
00:16:38
with God? Does sincerity motivate the
00:16:41
girl who leads a guy along then breaks
00:16:43
up with him when she finds someone
00:16:45
better?
00:16:47
No. Both people exemplify selfish
00:16:50
motivation. They need to get smart and
00:16:53
realize how their actions affect others.
00:16:57
I read that and I my my instant thought
00:17:00
that I jotted down was who hurt you,
00:17:02
Josh? Like who hurt you? Um what did
00:17:05
they do? Like what was this thing that
00:17:07
that led you to that? Because
00:17:09
I know that people can be selfish. I get
00:17:11
it. I think a lot of people give of
00:17:15
themselves with this understanding that
00:17:17
this might not work out. This it might
00:17:19
not. And that's okay. We're going to get
00:17:20
hurt as people.
00:17:23
And that is I think one of the biggest
00:17:25
damaging points of this whole book is
00:17:27
there's this big push of like not
00:17:29
getting hurt. Um and that's why I say
00:17:31
like who hurt you, Josh? Because like
00:17:35
there
00:17:36
there's this certainty of we have to
00:17:38
know that this is the person I want to
00:17:40
spend my time with and I want to be with
00:17:42
that person. Well, how do you know that
00:17:45
without ma taking a risk, right? How do
00:17:48
you know that without dating, without
00:17:50
putting yourself out there, without kind
00:17:52
of being vulnerable with yourself? So, I
00:17:56
also want to take a brief second to talk
00:17:58
about because it's going to come out
00:17:59
throughout this whole book, sexual sin.
00:18:02
What is it? Where is the line? What is
00:18:04
it defined as? This book is not going to
00:18:07
tell you what that is. It's going to
00:18:08
bring it up multiple times. It's going
00:18:10
to bring it up. It's going to say, you
00:18:11
know, you don't want to be sexually
00:18:13
impure. You don't want to do all of
00:18:14
these things. But then it will never
00:18:16
tell you where the line is crossed. It's
00:18:18
kind of that whole like I don't know
00:18:20
porn. Uh I don't know what the line is
00:18:23
for porn, but I know it when I see it
00:18:24
kind of a whole argument.
00:18:27
That's the argument that I hear made a
00:18:29
lot of times for sexual sin. And nobody
00:18:32
ever in the history of my upbringing
00:18:34
either has really been able to tell me
00:18:37
definitively line in the sand this is
00:18:39
sexual sin this is not part of that is
00:18:42
it's just not always clear in the Bible
00:18:44
I think most people would agree sexual
00:18:46
sin
00:18:48
in the context of the Bible and
00:18:50
Christianity is like you know sex before
00:18:53
marriage sexual sin um but when it comes
00:18:56
to things like kissing handholding heavy
00:18:59
petting like even masturbation
00:19:01
those types of things, they just all sit
00:19:03
in this gray area and it's like very
00:19:05
almost like up to the user, but yet we
00:19:08
also judge each other if we decide that
00:19:10
those things are okay for us or not
00:19:12
okay. Um, so I think that is like a
00:19:16
really hard place to be in as a teenage
00:19:18
kid, right? Because you're looking for
00:19:21
the lines. you're looking to know where
00:19:24
the boundaries are and where you can,
00:19:26
you know, play inside of. Um,
00:19:31
so that's like that's that's what I've
00:19:34
been thinking throughout this whole
00:19:34
thing is I'm like, I never knew the
00:19:36
boundary lines. I never knew the
00:19:38
boundary lines. I knew that I knew that
00:19:39
sex outside of marriage was bad. I knew
00:19:40
that pornography was bad. My parents
00:19:42
never explicitly said masturbation was
00:19:44
bad. My parents never said kissing was
00:19:48
bad or handholding. Um, but I I I knew
00:19:53
people who all of that was bad. All of
00:19:54
that was sexual sin. The other things
00:19:56
were sexual sin. Like just the act of
00:19:58
touching someone of the opposite sex
00:19:59
could be misconstrued as sexual sin. Um,
00:20:04
so anyway, the other thing that comes up
00:20:06
in this book a lot is the maintaining of
00:20:09
virginity.
00:20:10
And uh, he says it multiple ways in the
00:20:13
book, but basically the the most common
00:20:15
way is he he says, you know, these
00:20:17
people maintain virginity, but only in
00:20:18
the technical sense. And I was like,
00:20:21
"What the hell does that mean?" And I
00:20:23
think it's like running of the mind a
00:20:24
little bit, I think, is what he's
00:20:25
getting at, right? It's like, you know,
00:20:28
maybe you fantasize about it a little
00:20:29
bit. Fantasize about being with that
00:20:31
somebody. Uh, you know, or maybe you
00:20:35
pushed those lines like we're talking
00:20:36
about because those lines are blurry.
00:20:38
maybe us making out was crossing a
00:20:40
boundary and you know maybe she sat on
00:20:43
his lap or you know whatever it
00:20:47
but because of the fact that none of it
00:20:49
is actually like
00:20:51
structured to actually represent
00:20:53
anything if that makes sense like there
00:20:56
is no hard line in the sand
00:20:59
as a 14-year-old and remember I'm
00:21:02
reading this from the perspective of a
00:21:03
14-year-old kid I would be so confused
00:21:07
and I would also be questioning at all
00:21:09
times. Did I cross the line? Okay, I had
00:21:13
this thought about this person of about
00:21:15
this girl. Let me give you an example. I
00:21:17
knew plenty of girls, very attractive,
00:21:19
very wonderful ladies. I'm also
00:21:20
straight. Okay, so and I'm I'm speaking
00:21:22
primarily this book is written from
00:21:24
primarily like heterosexual heterosexual
00:21:28
perspective and that's also my
00:21:31
I'm straight. Okay, that's that's where
00:21:33
I come from. So, girls were attractive.
00:21:35
Um,
00:21:37
and you know,
00:21:39
I remember catching myself and being
00:21:41
like, "Oh, is even me thinking that this
00:21:43
girl looks pretty? Is that crossing a
00:21:46
line?
00:21:48
Is that crossing a line? I don't know.
00:21:50
Nobody could tell me. Is that crossing a
00:21:52
line? I find this person attractive. Am
00:21:53
I crossing a line by saying that? By
00:21:55
thinking that." Um, those were kind of
00:21:58
some of the things sometimes that were
00:22:00
running through my head
00:22:03
as I'm navigating
00:22:05
puberty as I'm navigating early teenage
00:22:08
years of like, is this right? Is this
00:22:10
wrong? So, we're going to jump ahead a
00:22:13
little bit. Chapter two. This is Josh's
00:22:17
negative tendencies of dating. I'm
00:22:19
pulling up what does the chapter say?
00:22:21
Okay. The seven habits of highly
00:22:23
defective dating is what this chapter is
00:22:24
titled. A lot of his chapters kick off
00:22:26
with some kind of story and then we talk
00:22:29
about it, right? This this particular
00:22:31
chapter chapter starts off and he's
00:22:34
describing uh him being in youth group
00:22:36
and his pastor telling a story um of a
00:22:39
couple who you know they were dating a
00:22:42
great dating relationship things got
00:22:44
physical they ended up having sex and
00:22:46
then they broke up and many many years
00:22:48
later they're at a high school reunion
00:22:50
and this youth pastor is also there I
00:22:53
guess and um he's talking to them and
00:22:55
he's you know he's asking them how they
00:22:57
are and both of them confess this like
00:22:59
Oh, like it's so hard to see this other
00:23:01
person because like you know there's
00:23:04
like an open wound still. It's just like
00:23:07
um you know it's I've just never gotten
00:23:11
over that experience, right? I gave
00:23:13
myself to them and you know so even
00:23:14
though they've moved past it, they're
00:23:16
significantly older. They're both like
00:23:18
married and have kids and they're just
00:23:19
like in different places of life. They
00:23:22
never got over it. I read that and my
00:23:25
initial note that I jotted down was
00:23:27
like, "Sounds like these people need
00:23:29
therapy. Sounds like they need to know
00:23:32
how to find closure in a relationship."
00:23:35
Uh,
00:23:37
now Josh uses that story to emphasize
00:23:40
that like the youth pastor tells this
00:23:42
story and then he's like he's like,
00:23:44
"Okay, so now you're going to tell me
00:23:45
like how to not fall into this this
00:23:47
pitfall."
00:23:48
and and he says the pastor uh basically
00:23:52
he's like if only they' had more
00:23:54
self-control this wouldn't have happened
00:23:57
and Josh goes on to argue that he's like
00:24:00
well I don't think that's good enough
00:24:02
right
00:24:04
starting to formulate this like maybe
00:24:05
dating is just bad maybe dating is the
00:24:08
problem not the self-control thing I
00:24:10
look at that and I go you know I think
00:24:13
teaching people to be emotionally
00:24:15
healthy um to not carry the baggage age
00:24:18
of unresolved relationships
00:24:21
probably the better strategy here. I
00:24:23
think the self-control is also important
00:24:26
and learning that and knowing where your
00:24:27
boundaries are and knowing you don't
00:24:29
want to cross this that or the other.
00:24:32
Those are important.
00:24:34
You can't really have those things for
00:24:36
yourself if you also don't have
00:24:40
that healthy emotional status, right?
00:24:43
And so I think he's throwing out like
00:24:45
the baby with the bath water, right?
00:24:46
He's throwing out all of dating because
00:24:48
he's like, "Well, I know that I can't
00:24:50
trust myself with self-control." That's
00:24:53
another thing that continually comes up
00:24:55
in this book. And the thing that I've
00:24:57
learned about self-control is that I
00:25:00
grew up in an environment where
00:25:03
very much was told, you know, the the
00:25:06
the body is sinful, human u human
00:25:10
desires are are sinful. Um and and those
00:25:13
are the things we crave, right? And so
00:25:15
when it comes to puberty and it comes to
00:25:17
your sexual awakening,
00:25:20
you you can't trust your body because
00:25:22
your body is is craving things, right?
00:25:24
Especially as a guy, right? Like we get
00:25:26
horny and and the thing with guys is
00:25:28
that like guys get horny and then we
00:25:30
can't hide it, right? [ __ ] pop a
00:25:33
boner. Like it just happens. Like we
00:25:35
just there is there is a physical
00:25:37
example of we are horny and everybody
00:25:39
knows there's a flag goes up. And I
00:25:42
think what's so hard about like telling
00:25:45
kids that like well the body is sinful
00:25:48
and the body is is evil and it wants
00:25:50
evil things and and so when it comes to
00:25:52
the sex level of things it's it's
00:25:54
frustrating for me because I'm like I'm
00:25:56
constantly in denial of my body. I'm
00:25:59
telling my body that no it doesn't
00:26:00
actually want that. No, it's wrong. Like
00:26:02
the way you're reacting to this is wrong
00:26:04
and sinful. And what that created for me
00:26:07
in particular is a disconnect between
00:26:10
what my body was telling me I needed and
00:26:12
what I was just in my brain telling me I
00:26:15
actually needed.
00:26:17
And how that's played out now in my life
00:26:20
is that like I have ignored signs in my
00:26:23
life that would
00:26:26
would have been helpful to to to know.
00:26:28
Um I've gotten sick um because I've
00:26:32
ignored things in my body. Um I've had
00:26:34
to have surgery. I had a freaking kidney
00:26:37
stone because I didn't trust things in
00:26:39
my body and I didn't trust listening to
00:26:42
my body and what my body was telling me.
00:26:44
And as I've gotten older and
00:26:46
specifically in the last two years, as
00:26:48
I've started to
00:26:51
learn to tap into that and learn to ask
00:26:53
myself, what is it that you need? What
00:26:56
like is it rest? Do you need water? Do
00:27:00
you need to be cleaned? Do you need how
00:27:03
do you need to be serviced? Basically,
00:27:05
is the way I kind of look at it.
00:27:08
I've learned a lot more about myself and
00:27:10
the things that I like and the things
00:27:12
that I dislike. And I've learned how to
00:27:13
pick up on on triggers within myself of
00:27:16
I'm getting to this point where my body
00:27:18
is so filled with whatever that I used
00:27:21
to it used to result in like an
00:27:23
explosion of emotion that would burn me
00:27:25
out and it would like I would get angry
00:27:27
or I'd be upset and I'd punch a hole in
00:27:30
the wall. And then now I can like I'm
00:27:32
learning to tamper it down. It's not
00:27:34
always perfect, but I'm learning to like
00:27:36
recognize when I'm going to those places
00:27:39
and say, "Okay, no, like let's take a
00:27:40
minute. Let's take a beat. Listen, what
00:27:43
do I need? Breathe." Um, and so I can I
00:27:47
can regulate that a lot more. Um,
00:27:52
those are I think are things that we
00:27:54
never talked about because again
00:27:58
my understanding what I felt like I was
00:28:00
being told your body is sinful. The
00:28:03
things that your body is craving are
00:28:04
wrong. They're evil. They're wicked. You
00:28:07
should not want those things. You should
00:28:08
only want what God wants for you. Okay?
00:28:12
But my body is telling me I want this.
00:28:15
You tamp it down. You tamp it down. You
00:28:16
damp it down. and eventually it just
00:28:18
explodes.
00:28:20
So what are the seven defective habits
00:28:23
of dating? Okay, so Josh lists them out
00:28:25
like this. He says uh here they are.
00:28:27
Dating leads to intimacy but not
00:28:29
necessarily commitment. Dating skips the
00:28:32
friendship stage of relationship. Dating
00:28:34
often mistakes a physical relationship
00:28:37
for love. Dating often isolates a couple
00:28:40
from other vital relationships. Dating
00:28:43
in many cases distracts young adults
00:28:45
from the primary responsibility of
00:28:46
preparing for the future. Dating can
00:28:49
cause discontentment uh with God's gifts
00:28:52
of singleness. Um dating creates an
00:28:55
artificial environment for evaluating
00:28:58
another person's character. Now, I could
00:29:02
go into all of these. I'm not going to
00:29:05
because I just don't feel like I have
00:29:07
the time to do it. But I'm going to
00:29:08
touch on a couple of the ones that spoke
00:29:11
most to me. So the first one I'm g touch
00:29:14
on, dating leads to intimacy but not
00:29:17
necessarily commitment. Now
00:29:21
this particular section of his book, he
00:29:24
pretty much is primarily talking to high
00:29:26
school kids. And he says this in most
00:29:27
cases, especially in high school, dating
00:29:29
is short-term, serving the needs of the
00:29:32
moment. People date because they want uh
00:29:34
to enjoy the emotional and even physical
00:29:37
benefits of intimacy without the
00:29:39
responsibility of real commitment.
00:29:42
He goes on to kind of like blame uh
00:29:47
culture and say, you know, we live in
00:29:49
this culture that is like it's like
00:29:51
fast. It's entertainment driven. It's
00:29:53
all about the now. It's all about like
00:29:55
me me. Um and and in further on in this
00:29:59
section he talks about the the shift of
00:30:01
dating from the going into the um 20th
00:30:05
century and how dating shifted um into
00:30:08
you know as the uh industrial revolution
00:30:12
started and all of a sudden we started
00:30:14
having more access to cars and we
00:30:15
started having um more access to to
00:30:18
third spaces and things like that. um
00:30:20
dating went from this very like um very
00:30:24
structured kind of uh
00:30:28
it was with the intention of dating to
00:30:29
all of a sudden it could be a form of
00:30:31
entertainment uh so to speak and he's
00:30:34
like kind of advocating for going back
00:30:36
to the way it was before because it was
00:30:38
so much better. Now I don't know about
00:30:40
you but you know I'm a little I'm all
00:30:44
for progress. I think we move forward,
00:30:46
we iterate, we evolve. Um, so hearing
00:30:49
that he wants to go back to dating from
00:30:51
like the 1800s was not really a huge
00:30:54
turnon for me, but going back to what he
00:30:57
was saying about, you know, short-term
00:30:59
relationships in high school.
00:31:02
I can agree with the guy that most, you
00:31:04
know, most high school relationships
00:31:05
probably
00:31:08
not going to last. But I think what's
00:31:10
hard is again like he goes to this place
00:31:14
of like just throw it out. Like don't
00:31:16
even do it because
00:31:18
there's like essentially no good way to
00:31:21
do it. So just like don't even bother.
00:31:23
And I think that's really hard when
00:31:24
again we're talking about teenagers who
00:31:28
we're hormonal, we're changing, we're
00:31:31
having our sexual awakenings. Um you
00:31:33
know sex drives are kicking in. And the
00:31:36
solution he gives is like basically wait
00:31:38
until you can get married.
00:31:41
Well, I'll tell you right now, I'm not
00:31:43
going to get married at 16.
00:31:46
Not going to get married even at 18 a
00:31:47
lot of times.
00:31:50
And so, because there's no conversation
00:31:52
around what is our bodies going through,
00:31:55
what are we experiencing as just human
00:31:57
beings and what is naturally evolving
00:31:59
and changing in our bodies? like we're
00:32:02
met with this like just give it up, give
00:32:04
it to God, and like be good, be happy.
00:32:07
But again, we're denying ourselves.
00:32:10
We're denying our flesh, which comes
00:32:11
back and bites us in the butt to some to
00:32:14
some degree. The next thing, the next um
00:32:17
habit that he talks about or the next
00:32:19
one I want to talk about is dating often
00:32:21
mistakes um physical relationship for
00:32:25
love. Okay,
00:32:28
he has this to say about it. When we
00:32:30
consider that our culture as a whole
00:32:32
regards the word love and sex
00:32:34
interchangeably, we shouldn't be
00:32:36
surprised that many dating relationships
00:32:38
mistake physical attraction and sexual
00:32:40
intimacy for true love. Sadly, many
00:32:43
Christians uh in dating relationships
00:32:45
reflect this false mind uh mindset.
00:32:50
I instantly wrote down like uh don't
00:32:52
think so.
00:32:55
Don't think so.
00:32:57
The number of people who I've met both
00:33:00
in the church, outside of the church,
00:33:01
like like and you would ask them like if
00:33:03
you ask them to define,
00:33:06
love, sex, what are they? Most people
00:33:11
are going to say they're like two
00:33:12
separate things. Love a lot of times can
00:33:16
like include sex. Um but like I don't
00:33:21
think that it's completely
00:33:22
interchangeable. And I think he's
00:33:24
exaggerating the number of people who
00:33:26
would think that way. Um, and I think he
00:33:30
does it because then he can argue for
00:33:32
like God's love is like the true love
00:33:35
and and that's the only thing we should
00:33:37
be uh imitating, right? That's the only
00:33:40
thing. So, we have to wait. We have to
00:33:41
like hold off on on love uh because
00:33:45
there's like a proper way to do it. Um,
00:33:48
so he conflates like anybody who's not
00:33:49
inside of church to be like, "Well,
00:33:52
their definition of love equals sex." I
00:33:55
just don't think that that's true. Like
00:33:57
you just ask somebody who's didn't grow
00:33:58
up in church,
00:34:00
you know, what's your definition of
00:34:02
love? They're probably going to talk
00:34:04
about some of the same things that we
00:34:06
would talk about in a church
00:34:07
environment.
00:34:09
This like giving of one another. Um,
00:34:13
right? this like surrendering of ourel
00:34:16
serving um each other, right? Love is
00:34:19
this it's also the hormones in your
00:34:23
brain that are that are firing off and
00:34:25
in your body, right? It's the way you
00:34:26
you feel, right? You got love hormones
00:34:28
and things like that. Love is just like
00:34:30
so much more than sex. And I think most
00:34:32
people recognize that. It's just wild to
00:34:36
hear from a 21-year-old that it's like
00:34:38
that to him is how the world views it.
00:34:40
So anyway, we're going to keep moving.
00:34:42
Okay, next up. Dating distracts from
00:34:46
preparing for the future. Okay, we full
00:34:49
forward another couple pages.
00:34:52
One of the saddest tendencies of dating
00:34:54
is to distract young adults from
00:34:56
developing their god-given abilities and
00:34:58
skills. Instead of equipping themselves
00:35:00
with character, education, and
00:35:02
experience necessary to succeed in life,
00:35:05
many allow themselves to be consumed by
00:35:07
the present needs that dating
00:35:10
emphasizes. Dating is only a distraction
00:35:12
if you let it be a distraction. I went
00:35:14
through a honeymoon phase when I started
00:35:16
dating people. Um I think every
00:35:19
relationship does. But this narrative of
00:35:21
like, well, you could be doing better
00:35:23
things with your time. You're ignoring
00:35:25
the fact that like getting to know
00:35:26
people has value. Okay? Getting to know
00:35:30
somebody has value. dating somebody and
00:35:34
spending time with them, going to the
00:35:35
movies, doing stupid stuff, shooting
00:35:37
them a text message, shooting them an
00:35:39
email, asking how they are. Like those
00:35:42
things have value. We build
00:35:44
relationships in doing that. I can learn
00:35:46
new skills from literally being in
00:35:49
relationship with somebody, right? You
00:35:51
go do something they enjoy, they come do
00:35:53
something you enjoy. Like I think he
00:35:56
really just views it as like well when
00:35:58
you're in a relationship it's just all
00:36:00
about like the cutesy you know we make
00:36:04
out and we hold hands and we have sex
00:36:06
and we you know do all these things the
00:36:08
superficial stuff that comes along with
00:36:10
having a relationship and I think he
00:36:11
just forgets about the fact that it's
00:36:13
like a lot of people when they're in a
00:36:15
relationship it's also about building a
00:36:18
friendship it's also about building
00:36:20
connection and finding out if this is
00:36:21
somebody you want to invest your time
00:36:23
and energy into The other thing I wrote
00:36:25
down was that, you know, he claims
00:36:28
dating is a waste of time. And I said, I
00:36:30
hate to break it to you, but there's a
00:36:32
billion other things I could have done
00:36:33
besides read this dumbass book. Uh, and
00:36:36
most of them would have taught me a new
00:36:37
skill or something actually of value.
00:36:41
So, that's my take on on that particular
00:36:44
one. Let's jump ahead a little bit more.
00:36:46
We're going to talk about uh the
00:36:49
negative characteristic of dating
00:36:51
creates an artificial environment for
00:36:52
evaluating another person's character.
00:36:55
It creates an environment, an artificial
00:36:57
environment for two people to interact.
00:36:59
As a result, each person can easily
00:37:02
convey an equally artificial image. He
00:37:05
uses this example. Okay. In the driveway
00:37:08
of our house, we have a basketball hoop
00:37:09
that we can adjust to different heights.
00:37:11
When I lower the hoop three feet from
00:37:13
its normal setting, I can look like a
00:37:15
pretty good basketball player. Dunking
00:37:17
is no problem. I gl glide across the
00:37:19
pavement and slam the ball down every
00:37:21
time. But my skill exists only because
00:37:23
I've lowered the standards. I'm not
00:37:26
playing in a real environment. Put me in
00:37:28
a court with a 10-ft hoop and uh I'm
00:37:31
back to being a white boy who can't
00:37:33
jump. He talks about in marriage you
00:37:34
need to take breaks from the stress of
00:37:36
kids and work you need to just get away
00:37:38
for a bit. Um, but two people weighing
00:37:41
the possibility of marriage need to make
00:37:42
sure that they don't just interact
00:37:44
within the fun romantic setting of
00:37:45
dating. Their priority should be to get
00:37:48
away. Their priority shouldn't be,
00:37:50
excuse me, getting away from real life.
00:37:52
They need a strong dose of objective
00:37:55
reality. They need to see each other in
00:37:57
real life setting of family and friends.
00:38:00
They need to watch each other serving
00:38:01
and working. How does he interact with
00:38:04
the people who know him best? How does
00:38:06
she react to things when things don't go
00:38:08
perfectly? I think there's a honeymoon
00:38:09
phase in relationships. I experienced it
00:38:13
while I was dating. We had a lot of fun.
00:38:15
We were in college. We go do fun stuff.
00:38:18
We go to concerts. We go get dinner. We
00:38:21
had a lot of fun. Maddie also saw me at
00:38:24
literally my lowest. She was with me
00:38:28
when I had to have surgery on my back uh
00:38:31
because I woke up one morning and I had
00:38:32
a cyst on my back that had exploded and
00:38:34
I woke up in a pool of blood. and she
00:38:36
was with me to take me to the ER. She
00:38:39
was with me to take me to surgery to
00:38:40
pick me up from surgery to help pack the
00:38:43
gauze and clean the wound. Uh because I
00:38:47
don't know about you, I can't reach my
00:38:49
back. I can't see my back very well. Um
00:38:52
so doing it alone was not easy.
00:38:55
She also saw me through
00:38:58
literally one of the hardest deaths of
00:39:00
my entire life, the death of my grandma.
00:39:02
she was with me
00:39:05
from the decline, the whole decline uh
00:39:08
of that person um getting sick and and
00:39:12
eventually dying. If those aren't real
00:39:16
things,
00:39:18
then like
00:39:20
and if your dating relationship doesn't
00:39:21
involve that reality where you're
00:39:23
involving that person,
00:39:26
like
00:39:28
what is your dating reality like? And I
00:39:31
think it does come to
00:39:34
what are your goals? What are your goals
00:39:36
with dating? Right? When I started
00:39:38
dating, I very much wanted to get to
00:39:41
know people better. Um, I wanted to have
00:39:43
fun. I wanted a little bit more of that
00:39:45
exclusivity of one-on-one time with with
00:39:48
the opposite sex. Um, but I also had an
00:39:51
intention of I was looking for somebody
00:39:53
that I wanted to spend the rest of my
00:39:54
life with.
00:39:56
If my goal had just been, I want to just
00:39:58
have fun, that would look totally
00:40:01
different. And I never would have
00:40:02
expected Maddie in a million years to
00:40:04
take care of me in the way she did if I
00:40:07
was just like, our relationship is only
00:40:09
about fun. Part of the issue with this I
00:40:14
kiss dating goodbye
00:40:17
philosophy, so to speak, and painting it
00:40:20
in such a way of this is the way God
00:40:22
wants you to do it. It becomes so about
00:40:24
intentionality of like what are you
00:40:26
doing and and here's the guard rails and
00:40:29
and um and you have to see each other
00:40:31
for who you really are and all these
00:40:34
types of things. It's like that doesn't
00:40:36
happen overnight. That doesn't just
00:40:38
happen in a lab. Like Josh clearly wants
00:40:42
to set up a lab and be able to control
00:40:45
all the factors and and make this
00:40:47
perfect instance happen. It's just not
00:40:50
the way reality works. I hate to break
00:40:52
it to you, it's not the way it works.
00:40:55
That argument again of like it's a
00:40:57
distraction, it's only artificial and
00:41:00
you're not actually seeing the person
00:41:01
for who they are. Like those can be
00:41:03
realities inside of dating. Those those
00:41:06
very much can be. However, like it
00:41:09
doesn't have to be and it just it can
00:41:13
take time to find the right person. So,
00:41:14
like I just get confused and I get upset
00:41:18
when
00:41:20
he paints this as like the perfect only
00:41:23
way to ever do it. Chapter three, uh, a
00:41:27
new attitude, I think is what it's
00:41:28
called. Um, and basically, yeah, new
00:41:31
attitude. So, five attitude changes that
00:41:34
help you avoid defective dating. Okay.
00:41:37
In this chapter, he's going to outline
00:41:39
those. Here they are. Every relationship
00:41:42
is an opportunity to model Christ's
00:41:44
love. My married years are a gift, I'm
00:41:48
sorry, my unmarried years are a gift
00:41:50
from God. Intimacy is the reward of
00:41:53
commitment. And I don't need to pursue a
00:41:56
romantic relationship before I am ready
00:41:58
for marriage. I cannot own someone
00:42:01
outside of marriage. And own is in
00:42:04
quotations.
00:42:06
And lastly, I will avoid situations that
00:42:08
could compromise the purity of my body
00:42:11
or my mind. Again, I'm not going to
00:42:13
cover all these. I'm just going to kind
00:42:15
of like hit my favorites, I guess you
00:42:17
could say. But we're going to start off
00:42:20
the unmarried years are a gift from God.
00:42:23
He gives this example of this guy named
00:42:25
Michael. He says, "When Michael adopts a
00:42:27
new attitude that views singleness as a
00:42:29
gift, he learns to be content with
00:42:31
friendship during the time God wants him
00:42:33
to remain single. As a result, Michael
00:42:36
can clear his life of the clutter that
00:42:38
short-term relationships contribute to
00:42:40
his life. With his newly freed time and
00:42:42
energy, Michael can pursue more
00:42:44
effective ministry and deeper
00:42:46
friendships with people of both genders.
00:42:50
Until you realize God's gift of your
00:42:52
singleness, you'll probably miss out on
00:42:54
the incredible opportunities it holds.
00:42:57
Perhaps even now you can think of an
00:42:58
opportunity you could grasp if you let
00:43:01
go of the dating mindset. As a single,
00:43:04
you have the freedom right now to
00:43:06
explore, study, and tackle the world. No
00:43:10
other time in your life will offer these
00:43:12
chances. Why are we painting dating and
00:43:15
romantic relationships as a waste of
00:43:18
time, as a waste of resources? I
00:43:22
understand the argument that if you just
00:43:24
focus so much on the superficiality of
00:43:27
your relationship and I just have to be
00:43:28
in a relationship because I have to be
00:43:29
in a relationship and I just have to be
00:43:31
in a relationship um because it makes me
00:43:33
feel good and I don't actually want to
00:43:35
get to know somebody deeper. Like yeah,
00:43:37
that's a [ __ ] problem. Excuse my
00:43:39
language. You can do all the things he
00:43:41
describes. Learning new skills,
00:43:43
deepening friendships, all of those
00:43:46
things can happen while you're dating.
00:43:50
they just can. It's all about how you
00:43:53
structure your life, how you set aside
00:43:57
time for people, how you how you build
00:44:00
out your calendar. And again, I'm
00:44:02
realizing as I'm saying these things, it
00:44:04
all goes back to that self-control
00:44:06
aspect that we talked about earlier.
00:44:09
Josh doesn't believe that you can have
00:44:10
self-control. He just doesn't. It's very
00:44:13
clear. You can't be trusted to date. You
00:44:16
can't be trusted to be around the
00:44:17
opposite sex because you lack
00:44:20
self-control. You're not in touch with
00:44:22
your body. Everything your body wants is
00:44:24
wrong, is evil, is sinful, is bad. It's
00:44:28
not. It's just plain and simple. It's
00:44:31
not right.
00:44:33
I dated my wife while we were in
00:44:35
college. Okay? When you're in college,
00:44:37
you got a lot of [ __ ] you got to do. You
00:44:39
got to go to class. You got to make sure
00:44:41
you're fed. You got to do your homework.
00:44:43
You got to juggle friendships. other
00:44:45
responsibilities, clubs,
00:44:47
extracurriculars, a job, like all kinds
00:44:50
of different stuff. It was not easy. And
00:44:53
there was a honeymoon phase of like I
00:44:56
just wanted to spend every minute I
00:44:58
could with her. We also were in most of
00:45:00
the same classes together. So, I had
00:45:02
that working to my advantage, but we
00:45:04
didn't have every class together. What I
00:45:06
quickly learned was like the more I just
00:45:08
spent only my time invested
00:45:11
in her and on her, my grades hurt a
00:45:15
little bit, right? I let things slide,
00:45:18
you know, whatever.
00:45:20
And so our relationship changed. The
00:45:22
structure of it changed. We we took time
00:45:25
to do homework. We took time to have
00:45:28
friendships outside of just the two of
00:45:30
us. We went to clubs, not together. We
00:45:33
did things. We had classes not together.
00:45:35
Like we learned exterior skills. We had
00:45:38
conversations with other people. We just
00:45:40
did other stuff that didn't involve each
00:45:42
other. It wasn't that hard. It just was
00:45:45
a matter of sitting down and coming up
00:45:47
with a calendar that worked for us.
00:45:50
Setting the intention of what we wanted
00:45:53
to do. We both knew we wanted to
00:45:54
graduate. What is it going to take to do
00:45:56
that? Let's do it. It just frustrates me
00:45:59
again
00:46:01
this narrative. You can't be trusted. So
00:46:04
just don't do it.
00:46:06
What is that logic?
00:46:09
All right, moving on. The I cannot own
00:46:12
someone outside of marriage. What he
00:46:14
says in the book, what I have
00:46:15
highlighted is the old attitude says we
00:46:18
can play marriage if we really love
00:46:20
someone. But the new attitude, he's
00:46:22
talking about dating. So the old
00:46:24
attitude of dating, we can play marriage
00:46:25
if we really love someone. But the new
00:46:27
attitude views a claim on another
00:46:30
person's time, affection, and future
00:46:32
before marriage as unwarranted. He goes
00:46:35
on to give an example of Sarah and
00:46:37
Philip. And he says that they realized
00:46:39
they needed to end their relationship as
00:46:41
it now existed. By staking a claim on
00:46:43
each other, they uh stifled their
00:46:46
individual growth and needlessly
00:46:48
consumed energy that should have been
00:46:49
directed into service and preparation
00:46:51
for the future. I'll say I've said it
00:46:54
before, I'll say it again. What is this
00:46:56
notion? What is this thought process of
00:47:00
dating is a waste of time because you
00:47:03
are only focused on one other person and
00:47:05
you cannot focus on anything else. I
00:47:08
will not and I cannot understand it.
00:47:12
Like I just I just can't. I put spoiler
00:47:16
alert you can do both things. It's
00:47:19
called time management and self-control.
00:47:22
Okay.
00:47:24
The last section of the new attitude is
00:47:27
um that I want to talk about is I will
00:47:29
avoid situations that could compromise
00:47:32
the purity of my body or my mind. I'm
00:47:34
going to read this whole section. It's
00:47:37
not very long. It's a couple paragraphs.
00:47:38
Um and then we're going to talk about
00:47:40
it. Okay. So, here we go. Jessica, age
00:47:43
16, is a good girl who is unfortunately
00:47:46
very naive even though she's a virgin
00:47:49
and has committed to saving herself. uh
00:47:53
saving sex for marriage. She places
00:47:55
herself in compromising situations with
00:47:57
her older boyfriend.
00:48:00
Homework at her house when her mom is
00:48:02
gone, hiking alone, ending their dates
00:48:04
in his parked car. If Jessica were
00:48:06
honest, she'd admit that she likes the
00:48:09
excitement um of these situations. She
00:48:12
thinks it's very romantic and it gives
00:48:14
her a feeling of control over her
00:48:16
boyfriend who to be quite honest will go
00:48:19
as far in their physical relationship as
00:48:21
Jessica will allow. But when Jessica
00:48:24
takes on a new attitude, she sees that
00:48:26
purity consists of more than remaining a
00:48:29
virgin. When she honestly examines her
00:48:32
relationship with her boyfriend, she
00:48:33
realizes that she has left the direction
00:48:35
of purity. To get back on course, she
00:48:38
has to drastically change her lifestyle.
00:48:40
First, she ends the relationship with
00:48:42
her boyfriend because they focus on the
00:48:44
physical aspect. Then, she commits to
00:48:47
fleeing um those settings that lend
00:48:50
themselves to compromise.
00:48:53
Where, when, and with whom you choose to
00:48:55
spend your time reveals your true
00:48:57
commitment to purity. Do you need to
00:48:59
examine your tendencies? If you do, make
00:49:02
sure that you avoid placing yourself in
00:49:05
settings that encourage temptation. He
00:49:07
advocates for breaking up because a
00:49:10
relationship is too physical. Notice how
00:49:12
he doesn't advocate for let's have a
00:49:14
conversation about this. Let's try to be
00:49:17
mature. Let's try to be adults. Um she
00:49:20
obviously Jessica wants to set new
00:49:22
boundaries in their relationship. And
00:49:24
maybe it would have resulted in them
00:49:26
breaking up. Maybe not. She could have
00:49:29
easily gone to her boyfriend and said,
00:49:30
"Hey, look, we're making out too much in
00:49:33
the car. I just want to cool off a
00:49:35
little bit. let's like not do that, you
00:49:37
know, whatever. And he could have maybe
00:49:40
been very receptive, maybe not. Would
00:49:42
have maybe spoken to his character of
00:49:44
who he is as a person.
00:49:46
But the fact that it's just an instant
00:49:49
go to break it off, dating equal bad.
00:49:53
It's like there's no saving this
00:49:54
relationship because it's already gone
00:49:57
to that place and thus it could just go
00:49:59
back. We also get again into that gray
00:50:02
area of sexual sin. Right, wrong, what
00:50:07
is too far? Where are the boundaries?
00:50:10
And he's kind of advocating for the fact
00:50:11
that he's like she had realized that
00:50:13
maybe things they were doing were past
00:50:15
the boundaries that she felt comfortable
00:50:17
or what she viewed as sexual sin. That's
00:50:19
fine. Again, communication. One of the
00:50:22
things that
00:50:25
I've come to realize a lot as I unpack
00:50:29
my religious past, as I unpack purity
00:50:32
culture,
00:50:34
it all came down to lack of
00:50:36
communication, lack of talking about
00:50:38
anything, sex, emotions, uh, feelings,
00:50:43
the like physical like your body, right?
00:50:45
Talking about what actually those things
00:50:47
look like.
00:50:49
And so there's this lack of
00:50:51
communication around those things. So
00:50:52
there's lack of education around those
00:50:54
things. And because there's lack of
00:50:55
education around those things, people
00:50:57
just don't know. They just don't know.
00:51:01
This author is so obsessed with this
00:51:03
idea of giving everything up to God.
00:51:06
That you can't like experience this like
00:51:09
fullness without surrendering yourself
00:51:12
to God, which like what does that even
00:51:15
mean? Um,
00:51:18
I was religious and I still don't know
00:51:20
that I fully have an answer as to what
00:51:22
that means because again, he doesn't
00:51:24
talk about what it looks like. He
00:51:27
the
00:51:29
implication
00:51:31
that he keeps outlining is the like give
00:51:34
up all the dating. You should only be
00:51:36
focused on, especially if you're in high
00:51:38
school, getting through school, learning
00:51:40
new skills, um, and like serving God.
00:51:47
Okay, it's very clear within these first
00:51:50
three chapters that Josh got hurt
00:51:52
dating. Somebody hurt him and he said,
00:51:55
"Throw it all away. I don't want to date
00:51:57
anybody until I'm literally going to
00:51:59
marry them. And you know what? I want to
00:52:01
make sure that no other Christian kid
00:52:03
dates either." That is like insane to
00:52:07
me. It's insane. It's insane way of
00:52:10
thinking. This book gets me really
00:52:13
heated, as you can tell. Gets a lot of
00:52:15
people really heated. That's just the
00:52:18
first three chapters. I'm going to keep
00:52:20
talking more and more about this because
00:52:22
I think it's important. It's taken me a
00:52:24
really long time. I'm 28. I'm going to
00:52:26
be 29 this year. It's taking me a really
00:52:29
long time to unpack some of these
00:52:32
concepts that I grew up with around
00:52:34
purity culture, around sexual sin,
00:52:37
around dating. A lot of the things in
00:52:39
this book, I think
00:52:43
they're presented as if they're factual.
00:52:46
They're presented as if they have
00:52:48
backing by the Bible. And there are
00:52:51
there are Bible verses throughout this
00:52:52
whole thing. But at the end of the day,
00:52:54
what I've come to realize is that this
00:52:55
this book is just opinion. It's just
00:52:58
Josh's experience.
00:53:01
And I really wrestled with making this
00:53:04
particular episode because I felt like,
00:53:06
well, I need to come with the facts. I
00:53:08
have to come with something to combat
00:53:10
everything that he says and statistics
00:53:12
and all these things. And so it was
00:53:13
taking me a really long time to compile
00:53:15
all these things. And what I realized
00:53:18
was the fact that this book is all
00:53:20
opinion and so I can combat it with
00:53:23
opinion and experience because that's
00:53:24
all it is. So again, you can tell I'm a
00:53:27
little fired up. That was part one of
00:53:30
this whole book. Three chapters in, I
00:53:32
kissing goodbye. There's going to be
00:53:34
more. There's going to be more to come.
00:53:36
Uh, I got a lot of notes.
00:53:38
We're gonna keep talking about it. I
00:53:40
would love to hear your stories about
00:53:42
purity culture. Uh, if you're willing to
00:53:44
share them, uh, you can hit me up
00:53:46
00:53:48
or on socials at exhsclub. Uh, the DMs
00:53:52
are open. I'd love to know your
00:53:54
experience with it. You can tell I'm
00:53:57
passionate about it. I want to keep
00:53:58
talking about it. I want to keep
00:54:00
learning about it.
00:54:02
I think I got off pretty scot-free when
00:54:06
it comes to a lot of this stuff. Um, I
00:54:09
know I've got hang-ups around a lot of
00:54:11
things involving sex, but I know people
00:54:15
who've got it a lot worse than I do. Um,
00:54:19
so yeah, I'm going to keep talking about
00:54:21
this. We'll see. It might be kind of
00:54:24
spaced out a little bit. We're going to
00:54:25
see what this ends up looking like. But
00:54:27
thank you for listening. If you made it
00:54:29
this far, you're amazing. Um, I would
00:54:31
appreciate if you do all the things you
00:54:33
know how to do. Comment, like,
00:54:35
subscribe, uh, share it with a friends,
00:54:38
you know, all the things that help get
00:54:40
this pushed out, uh, to the right
00:54:42
audience. Uh, again, if you want to
00:54:44
reach out to me, [email protected].
00:54:47
Would love to hear your stories. Uh,
00:54:49
would love to chat with you, unpack more
00:54:51
of this together. Uh, because it's
00:54:53
important and we're not alone in our
00:54:56
experiences. Uh, so yeah, that's all I
00:54:58
got. Until next time, peace and love.
00:55:08
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00:55:14
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