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welcome back to the ex- homeschoolers Club I am of course your host Jacob Gooden and today it is just me myself
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and I that's right I'm doing a solo episode and uh you know this show I've
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talked a lot about my favorite things about homeschooling I've talked a lot about the positives and how I think that
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I think that is worth a try if you're thinking about it for your kids um but
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one of the things that we haven't highlighted so much on the show is the Bad and the Ugly and so I wanted to take
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an episode and talk about my the bad stuff um and it's going to be I'm going
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to be talking about purity culture and growing up in Purity culture now Purity culture is not exclusively a homeschool
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thing it's it's more of a Christian thing but because I was a Christian homeschool kid it's really hard to
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separate the two because a lot of my community we just existed inside of that same bubble
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together and um and yeah so I'm gonna I'm gonna share my experience with it
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now I will give a little bit of a trigger warning um I'm gonna be talking about sex I'm going to be talking about
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pornography I'm going to be talking about masturbation I'm going to be talking about um the downstairs area the
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swimsuit area the No No Square um so if that's something you don't want to hear
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me talk about I recommend skip today's episode it's okay I'll be back next week
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with another one or go listen to a past episode with one of my guests um but I felt like it was something important
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that I wanted to share and get off my chest all right so let's dive into it a
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little bit of understanding about me before we really kick it off and I wanted to share the brief overview of my
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Christian experience and where I sit today so you can kind of understand some context of like when I was in high
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school and a young kid going through this where I existed inside of Christianity so born and raised in a
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Christian household when I was a young kid I accepted Jesus into my heart got baptized around the age of 10 I want
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to say um and then I served and worshiped and you know uh was at churches up until my early 20s um and uh
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I was part of a youth group I was part of a worship team I would set chairs up I'd tear chairs down I did the sound
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system when I was in college I served at a brand new church that literally didn't
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even have its own building so we would go build the whole church in the morning you know get up at the crack of dawn on
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a Sunday go build this whole thing run events at the thing uh serve on the worship team tear it all down after the
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fact um I also went to a Christian college and so we had Chapel we were required to go to some Chapel every
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single week and so there was a point in my life where I was going to church like
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things 5 to seven days a week um on top of that reading my Bible um listening to
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worship music like praying all that all that Stu stuff I was very much in it very thick and I truly believed in
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God uh Flash Forward a little bit after college and I started to kind of question my faith a little bit I had
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there were some things that happened in college um that I started to wake up to some ideas
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that and be open to the idea that maybe I didn't 100% know everything um and so
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I started asking questions and I got really interested in in pursuing more knowledge and ultimately it led me to a
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place of being uh agnostic so that's where I sit currently and uh what that means for me is that I'm open to the
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idea that there is a God I'm also open to the idea that there isn't a God and
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um and I'm okay with just not knowing right now and just asking questions and
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seeking answers so that's where I sit currently I know that's a very brief
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overview and not a ton of detail there um if you want to hear more about that I'm happy to share about it um but yeah
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so Purity culture growing up in it very thick in the Christian environment when I was in high school and going through
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puberty things like that so what is Purity culture if you're not familiar with Purity culture Purity culture is
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this idea of like an abstinence only teaching within the church um so sex is sex before marriage wrong things like
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pornography wrong masturbation wrong dating wrong um courtship okay um there was also kind of these underlying things
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in there and I'll get into some of the specifics of like what it looked like
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played out a little bit more um but yeah it was just kind of this like anything sexual before you're married wrong
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sinful need to be repented of um and uh you know when you're going through puberty everything is sexual even when
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you don't want it to be and that's just your hormone right your hormones are
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kicking in you're growing body hair well as a guy you're growing body hair uh
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you're starting to smell more your popping boners left and right because well Gus the wind turns you on um kind
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of a thing and so it's very tricky area to navigate you already just feel awkward and weird and then you've got
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your parents coming in there and telling you things about like the birds and the
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bees and you know but then pushing kind of this idea of Purity culture right and
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putting you in an environment where that's being taught and so you're going
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along with it um because you know that's what you think is right so let me give
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you an exam a couple examples of like Purity culture played out a little bit for me
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so Purity culture for guys was primarily this idea of like do not look at pornography and do not
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masturbate um I feel like that was the big emphasis of like do not do these things they are wrong uh they are sinful
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they degrade you as a man um and that kind of a thing that being said a lot of us watch porn myself included but then
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some of the other smaller ways that things like this played out inside of the homeschool Community was things like
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um forward phasing hugs not a reality between the opposite Sexes right uh a lot of us did like the Christian awkward
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side hug thing and uh some of us still do it to this day I'm guilty of that sometimes as well still it's just kind
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of burned in my brain um there was kind of this concept of like boys are blue girls are red together they make purple
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at a lot of our events and things like that we don't make purple okay so uh so
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there's that uh there's also like no there wasn't a lot of dating within our
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group as well um there was a few courtships but yeah a lot of us didn't date each other um because it was just
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we were all friends right we were and I think we were just a lot of us were also
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just being told well you guys are all friends like and I mean I know I was told this by people it's like well why
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would you want to ruin friendships by like potentially dating somebody and then you break up and then you just ruin
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it for everybody right um because we all know that when people break up then they
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just can't get along ever again this was something that was played out again
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inside of The Homeschool Group I know for for the girls um I've had a couple
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people on now who've talked about this but I like the home school dances there
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was dress code for the girls that kind of a thing growing up in southern California when we go to the beach a lot
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of the girls that we grow up with they wee one piece bathing suits shorts a tankini um uh I knew a lot of girls who
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made their own bathing suits um and uh things like that and so but for us guys it was a lot easier just wear board
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shorts not a big deal um move on forget about it so a lot of my sexual education my
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sexual education comes from three places okay my sexual education comes from my dad
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giving me the birds and the Beast talk and I think he gave me maybe two or three of these chats so there's the
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initial one right of like your body is changing um and also like you know here's how procreation Works um and I
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don't remember him being very explicit about it um I don't think he did a bad job I don't think he did a
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good job I think he just did a medium job sorry Dad um but I think he also was uncomfortable talking about it and so I
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think he just wrestled with how to do it um second place my sex education came from was the church um and my church did
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these things called Pur conferences and at these Pur conferences they were usually a day I think they were a day
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maybe two at the max but um it was essentially a time where it was speakers from within the church telling us how
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sex before marriage was wrong you should should um if you do that you need to repent cuz it's sinful um watching
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pornography was wrong masturbation was wrong sinful God hated that kind of stuff and backing all this up with Bible
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verses that sometimes were just taken out of context other times not but um yeah and then being put in an
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environment too where we're also be being told as men we have a responsibility to the women to keep them
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pure and then the women they have a responsibility to keep the men pure right and so it's kind of this just like
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weird circle of like you're kind of responsible for yourself but you're also responsible for
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other people um and uh yeah and then during that you do a breakout session and in that breakout session it's guys
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and girls separated different parts of the the building and I remember for the guys we talked about there's two main
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things that we talked about there was the creating an accountability group what an accountability group was
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supposed to do was hold you accountable for when you started to go down a sinful
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path regardless if it was sexual or not however teenage boys everything is like sexually charged
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right and so a lot of times it was just us kind of being like Oh watch porn again oh had a you know lustful thought
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after somebody oh which you know and then basically us then telling each other well you need to pray about that
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you need to read your Bible and you need to repent um again coming from a place of like boys who are the same age being
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accountable to each other to do what exactly we're all on the same page of like none of us know
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any better than the other people so um so yeah so aside from just telling our friends that well you need to read your
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Bible and pray more what other advice are we supposed to give them because I'm
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struggling with the same thing struggling with the same thing so accountability groups and like I said
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they were more than just sexual sin it also had to do with you know other sins lying
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cheating the whole gamut of anything right um this the second thing that we were kind of emphas that was emphasized
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at that was kind of this like the worth of a woman right and how to find a Godly
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woman and what to be looking for right um there's like the Psalm 23 eight woman something like that
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someone's going to correct me forgive me I haven't read the Bible in a couple
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years um and it's this passage in Scripture that basically outlines like what a
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Godly woman looks like um and it's used for everything and like I don't know there there's a whole
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gamut dudes use this as an example of like this is the kind of woman I'm looking for in my life um so we're told
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kind of what to be looking for in a in a woman and a wife in a potential man and then we're given this example and to
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this day this example still weirds me out grosses me out it's still confusing to me a little bit um
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but basically it's the example of an apple pie so a guy brings out an apple pie sets it on the table asks everyone
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uh who wants a slice of apple pie almost every hand in the room goes up because who doesn't love apple pie he takes his
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index finger he puts it in the middle of the pie pulls it out asks again who wants a slice of apple pie and a few
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hands go down but most people are okay with it right we know this guy we're like okay his hands are clean he's you
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know he's it's okay he just you know I can eat around it uh he then takes three
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fingers puts him in the pie pulls him out ask the same thing more hands are going down there's still people who are
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like I could eat around it I could you know whatever it's not a big deal he then takes his hand starts to like
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crumble up the pie now it doesn't look like a pie anymore it looks more like an
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apple crumble and he has again and now hands are coming down right it's maybe
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50/50 shot who wants it kind of a thing and uh yeah cuz we're like even if his
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hands are clean like he touched everything at this point in this pie then he spits in the pie and asks again
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and mixes it in so he spits in the pie takes his ant mixes it up disgusting then he asks again who wants a slice of
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apple pie and at this point there's like the one dude who's like I'd still eat it
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um but pretty much everyone's hands are down and this example was meant to exemplify
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the different like going to different bases almost with a woman um and then her value associated with those right
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and so the regular beginning apple pie that everyone was like yeah little a slice of that that is like a virgin
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that's a a Godly woman right that's the everything you know that we want okay
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putting the the first finger in he kind of alluded to that being like handholding you know it's you know not
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that destructive doesn't value the pie that much right couple more you know sticking three fingers in was like okay
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we're starting to getting kissing territory uh you know a little more touching maybe More Hugging kind of a
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thing so again it's like a lot of people were still okay with it we're like I
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could eat around that kind of a thing but she's starting to like be this used
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up thing then you get to the third one and it's like okay now we're talking
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about like heavy petting and like make out sessions right and um you know and more and more people are like I don't
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know I don't feel comfortable with this as much and then the final one is like
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premarital sex right a girl who's had premarital sex is just like just this disgusting apple pie
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that's been spit in now we're also being told that that's kind of like well he
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used it to represent women there also was a slight lean towards like this is also you right as a man your value goes
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down uh because there's this kind of there's this gold standard you get the
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crown if you stay a virgin till literally your wedding night kind of a thing and so but it's not emphasized as
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heavily as it is that like women who do these things are worthless right they um and as someone who grew up with
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family members who had had kids out of wedlock obviously had had premarital sex I had never looked at them as like a
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worthless crumbled up spit in apple pie um and even after that I don't feel like
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I I looked at them that way I still looked at them as people um with value but it was just this weird in the
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back of your brain kind of view of like how people are and and that's not to say
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that I never judged anybody I knew people who had premarital sex and who were yeah
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maybe more affectionate with their boyfriends or whatever and yeah there is kind of a weird within Christianity
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there's kind of this weird like well well you're okay with doing that but
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that like lowers your value so it definitely impacted me let's just say that and so and this is these are
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the types of things we were being taught so so to walk away from that day it's
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weird to then go back into a room with all these girls and be looking at them like okay so these are all pies and at
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that point we don't know a lot of them and their sexual sin um and so looking at them is like these
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whole pies it's just I don't know it's kind of weird weird analogy and um for
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anybody who was at one of these things or remembers this kind of thing or if you were a girl um at one of these
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things please like reach out to me because I want to know what happened in the girl side of things um and hear kind
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of the conversations that were happening back there because because I just don't know I just
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know what happened in the guy side and um so that was kind of again sex ad number two right sex ad number three
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came from pornography because even though pornography was wrong and sinful you still have questions right I
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still had questions well why was I getting a boner okay what you know you know what do boobs look like what does a
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vagina look like um all those kinds of things and there's really I don't want
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to say there's only one way to find that out um but it felt like at the time
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there was only one way to find that out and if you Google boobs what's going to
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come up a link to Pornhub um there's also a danger associated with it right it's like oh you know it's bad
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um you want to be a bad kid whatever but yeah so sex ed my third area that I got
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sex sexual ucation from was pornography not very healthy because it's a fantasy it's not reality and so
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and that's going to come into play a little bit later in my life too uh but so in addition to getting an education
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from that I also then felt a lot of shame because I knew I was doing something that was considered wrong um
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and usually with looking at pornography it wasn't just a like oh I wonder what
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this is like it's also a I wonder what this is like and then getting turned on
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while watching and ending up masturbating right and so there's like double shame associated with it and I
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know it's wrong and then that leads to I meet with my accountability group and
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they're telling me you need to pray harder and you need to whatever and it's
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like it's a giant circle jerk at some point right so let's flush forward a little bit so
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again we talked about high school didn't date anybody a lot of my friends didn't
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date people um so there wasn't a lot of like sexual anything you know and um so
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there was no opportunity to have kind of this like oh I have a girlfriend oh I know what kissing's like or anything
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like that I got to college and it was like all bets are off I was like I can date anybody I want I can make out with
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somebody I can you know um I wasn't necessarily thinking along the lines of like oh I can have sex with somebody um
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because I still had this in my brain that I was like no I'm going to stay a virgin till I'm married
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um mentality but I definitely went into it a lot more with like okay now I'm
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going to date somebody and I'm GNA like find a partner kind of a thing even if
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it's just for fun um and uh yeah and I've only ever had like two relationships one of them was very much
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like surface level dating we went out a couple times liked each other it didn't
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work out um and then I dated my wife my now wife and both times I realized that I was really scared I was really
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scared of dating I was really scared of anything that was like remotely sexual because even the idea of dating was
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still well I didn't have people telling me like oh you have to like um you're
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going to be doing this like chaperoned um not dating but um courtship type of situation I still had in my brain that
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it's like well I want to date someone with the intention that I'm going to
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marry this person and that's That's Heavy that's a lot to put on an 18
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19-year-old kid right um cuz there's a lot of life left to live and um so I kind of went into it with that and then
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also with the the understanding that I was like okay I don't want to have sex
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till I'm married I'm okay like holding hands I'm okay kissing um I was
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comfortable with those things but yeah so I started dating my wife my now wife and there was a lot of things that just
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were like hard for me it was hard for me to kiss her the first time because it was just
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like I I didn't know what I was doing one but also I felt like I was maybe taking advantage
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of this person right and I was like devaluing them in some way and thankfully we'll talk about this near
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the end of the episode but thankfully I had had some consent education and so I understood that like before I kissed her
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I was like can I kiss you um kind of thing but uh but yeah I just felt really weird
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about it I liked it I liked kissing her but I just felt awkward about it and like I was like maybe I'm devaluing this
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person I didn't feel really any shame around it um but it felt weird well one
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thing leads to another and ultimately we ended up having sex premarital sex and um
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afterwards I remember just feeling this wave of like guilt and shame and disgust
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in myself and like I had ruined somebody and I was and I had ruined myself and there was a part of me that
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was like I don't give a [ __ ] like whatever and then there's a part of me
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that's like oh no like if I'm not if I don't end up with this person I've devalued myself
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and will somebody ever want me will someone ever want her um because you know we're no longer virgins
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right and there's no going back um and so that continued like we started to have a sex life and it still and I
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wasn't communicating this to my partner I was just like we were having sex and
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then these were just emotions that were running through my brain after the fact of just this like guilt and shame and
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disgusted myself and it took a really long time including even after we were married of just like having to battle
00:23:00
this and I'll get a little bit into like what changed for me but but yeah so
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there was definitely this like don't do this it also didn't help I went to a
00:23:10
Christian college and we had signed lifestyle agreements and in that lifestyle agreement you agreed to not
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have premarital sex I don't know how they I don't know I don't know how
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they were going to like uphold any of this I knew plenty of people in college who had sex um and broke pretty much
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every rule in that book uh but yeah kind of a weird thing as well you know and but
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again even my accountability group that I had in college with dudes again when we were going to each other and saying
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oh yeah I'm still you know watching porn or I'm still whatever there was this
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still kind of like well just pray about it be better about it you know and these
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were dudes who were not homeschooled these were just dudes who were other Christian dudes from all over the
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country and so again I still felt like I'm a porn addict cuz I watch it CU I
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jerk off to it um and then I started having sex and I was like now I'm also like I'm a filthy [ __ ] basically I was
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like I am valueless at this point and and I have devalued this other person so that being
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said the these things kind of these feelings these emotions kind of continued and so even after I left
00:24:20
Christianity when I was about 22 is 23 um I still there was still this weird guilt and and even to this day I think
00:24:30
sometimes when I talk about certain things that are sexual I think it's hard
00:24:33
because it was again we didn't talk about this as kids we didn't talk about
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this with parents didn't talk about this with religious leaders didn't talk about
00:24:40
this with anybody it was just like figure it out for yourself um and so so even after I left Christianity I
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still wrestled with these feelings of like guilt and shame Associated around sex and so
00:25:00
but I was like I knew I knew in my brain that I was like this isn't normal and I
00:25:04
shouldn't be experiencing this and so I I was like I got to I got to do something what really sent me over the
00:25:11
edge and this is me getting very vulnerable with you guys was that I started to have
00:25:19
some uh erectile issues and I was having trouble maintaining an erection or even
00:25:24
getting an erection whether it was with a partner or solo and that was scary because I was like oh
00:25:34
no I'm going to be I'm going to have to take the little blue pill um uh Viagra
00:25:39
for anybody who doesn't know what that is um and I was like I don't want to do
00:25:43
that I'm like in my 20s I should still be still be good um and so I started to
00:25:49
to educate myself on like how this stuff works and um and started to also be like
00:25:55
okay I think these feelings of like I also because I was leaving religion I also felt a lot of Shame and a lot of
00:26:01
guilt around I'm leaving and I felt this pressure that I was disappointing my
00:26:06
family I was disappointing my friends um that my parents friends were going to look down on them because they had a kid
00:26:13
who walked away right and there's that Bible verse the famous bible verse that
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train up a child in the way he should go and when he's old he will not depart
00:26:20
from it and so there was there was a lot of factors right that were just bigger than even like sexual factors in this
00:26:27
whole thing um but I started to educate myself so what happened well uh I listened to this podcast called ear
00:26:36
biscuits yeah ear biscuits uh with Rett link from good mythical morning if you're not familiar with them love them
00:26:42
I've watched them since I was a kid and um they are two former Christians who
00:26:49
are yeah no longer Christians and but they so aside from listening them because they tell great stories and they
00:26:57
had shared share their leaving religion stories which is again how I kind of got
00:27:01
tied back into their podcast they did a month in it was September and they renamed it sextember and they talked
00:27:08
about their sex lives and they had a sex expert come on there and share about the guilt associated with sex
00:27:18
because they were telling their they were telling their stories of like saving themselves from marriage and the
00:27:22
guilt and the shame they felt when they would like have a make out session with their like fiance um who became their
00:27:28
wives and and I was like okay this This Woman's on to something so I started
00:27:32
listening to her podcast her podcast is called sex with Emily it's a great podcast highly encourage people to
00:27:36
listen to it she talks about whole gambut of everything having to do with the Kink um uh the kink like following
00:27:45
to uh sexual performance to female male pleasure toys all anything and everything you could ever imagine right
00:27:54
relationship types all that kind of stuff so very very interesting so I started listening to her and and then
00:28:02
she recommended a couple books and I read a couple books and or listen to a couple books
00:28:06
and I just started going down this pathway of seeking out answers to the questions I had and uh and slowly but
00:28:16
surely my guilt and my shame started to go away and well I won't say it's 100%
00:28:22
always gone um I do think that it helped because I started to wake up to the fact
00:28:27
that a lot of the things that I had been told with this whole Purity culture movement was
00:28:37
just was based and birthed out of this place of like wanting to teach abstinence only sex education um and
00:28:46
parents essentially being lazy and not wanting to actually like have real conversations with their kids and so it
00:28:54
made me feel better about myself because I was like okay well there's people who push back on this
00:29:00
famously the guy who authored the book I kiss Dating Goodbye which is a huge like
00:29:06
basically the handbook for like what courtship looks like um he has famously like denounced that book and said that
00:29:12
that was like [ __ ] um and so things like that were starting to happen in that like late 2010s um when when I was
00:29:21
kind of going through a lot of this stuff and so I bring all that up to say that it's just like
00:29:30
educate yourself please and thank you um because I don't think a lot of us got
00:29:37
the proper education when it came to sex when it came to pornography when it came
00:29:41
to uh a pleasure for either of our partners um I think a lot of what we've learned especially for us guys comes
00:29:50
from pornography and that is unfortunately a fantasy it's not real it's make believe and um
00:30:00
um you know my stances on a lot of stuff have changed over the years my stance on sex before marriage changed um
00:30:11
you know I believe that sex should be between two people that love each other um I believe that pornography is not
00:30:18
inherently evil I think that there's evil pornography um and unethical pornography I think there's also ethical
00:30:24
pornography um I think that masturbation saves lives um and what do I mean by that I think
00:30:30
that it offers an outlet and a release for people who are sexually frustrated and born out of sexual frustration
00:30:37
sometimes comes really nasty stuff um and so that ability to release that and get that dopamine hit um I think can be
00:30:47
really beneficial to a lot of people um the other thing that I said I was going to bring up what is is uh consent
00:30:55
education this is something that even now I'm learning a lot more about and I think that there is this idea
00:31:04
within Christianity and within Purity culture that I mean I kind of talked about it
00:31:12
when I got Mar when you get married sex is on the table and I think for a lot of
00:31:18
guys there's this view that that means that I have my own personal porn star
00:31:23
which is not true um and maybe for women it's true it it feel not not that it's true but maybe
00:31:30
for women it also sometimes feels that way too but um you know sexual activity requires
00:31:38
consent and there is no such thing as universal consent when it comes to marriage uh even if you are with a
00:31:43
partner if your partner says no you it means no okay you don't own them and you
00:31:48
don't owe um and they don't owe you anything okay so I say that because as
00:31:55
someone who got most of his exx head from pornography pornography does not portray consent um at all it portrays
00:32:02
like Universal consent that anything is on the table right vaginal sex anal sex oral sex hand jobs blowob anything
00:32:10
anything is on the table any position that's just like not the case right um
00:32:16
and so please for the love of God educate yourself on on consent um you know and
00:32:23
know that no means no regardless male female they them um it doesn't matter who you are uh no means no um so yeah
00:32:33
that's my little soapbox there I don't think I missed anything I'm hoping I didn't miss anything um
00:32:42
this might be a conversation that gets had again um maybe with other people maybe there'll be more things that get
00:32:47
Unearthed for me as I continue growing as a as a human being um and I do hope that this was helpful
00:32:57
and inform formative um I don't know 100% why I felt really this need to put
00:33:03
this out there and if you've ridden with me this long in this episode thank you
00:33:09
um if you have your own stuff you want to talk about whether you agree with me disagree with me whatever I don't care
00:33:16
um I I welcome the the conversation okay and so there's two ways you can reach
00:33:20
out to me you can reach out to me on Instagram at uh exhs club or you can email me at exh s [email protected]
00:33:29
um both those places uh I'm pretty active in there okay so um I would love to have a conversation with anybody and
00:33:38
everybody um I'm still open to learning um about things and I don't think I have
00:33:43
it all right okay uh and uh yeah so with that I don't know where else to take
00:33:51
this okay so I'm GNA end it there but thank you again for listening um and uh
00:33:58
I'll see you next week all right peace [Music] [Music]