00:00:00
okay Runners only with dime Harley 's only with dom Harvey and why am I so nervous
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JJ JJ Feeney hello this is the weirdest podcast I've ever done in my life well you're interviewing me that's just
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strange well I haven't done each other too well it's like it's like someone you know so
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I haven't I haven't got any questions or written any nights I started doing it
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then I thought well you were just gonna like you're just gonna take over and
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overrun things so why bother okay who pulled out Duncan Garner what did he yeah not me so you're a last minute
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ringing but to be fair um I get messages every week without fail people saying when is JJ going to be on the podcast
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serious every week without fail but I'm not a runner okay well we will okay so for anyone
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that um isn't aware of um the dynamic of our relationship um JJ and I we are still legally married and I would
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say welcome to my podcast Studio but it's half your podcast Studio as well with a very
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strange relationship to other people yeah we are still like business partners really yeah yeah he's still married
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legally and own half of everything together yeah but that's fine yeah and whatever whatever it is for you yeah and
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the dog's my favorite favorite I mean let's see how long he lasts there so um the podcast is called Runners only
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so there is like a running thread that I need to explain this to you because I reckon you've you listen to the first
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couple of episodes and that's it be honest I haven't cuddly listened to any
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of it yeah rude I support you from the outside um but you do have a running history you
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you identify as a non-exerciser uh JJ's been getting obsessed lately with um
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ancestry.com and she did a like a gene test thing and what you're a non-exerciser
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they know I've got blue eyes and I've got blonde here they know I'm not a
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morning person they also say I don't have the Sprinter Gene but you've got
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the Sprinter Jean and it makes perfect sense because nobody in my family that I know of none of my siblings on
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either side my mum or dad none of them have ever exercised but you can just you can change it I wasn't brought up on
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exercise it was never a family where it was like go for a run let's go for a
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bike ride together go play sport it was like none of that so it's just not in
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the family I just don't have the gene yeah but obviously science says and saying that
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um you have done a couple of half marathons which is no mean feat to a lot of like running 21ks is no joke and
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you've done a couple what was your best time two hours 17. which is that's fine
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that's [ __ ] great that's good going 2018 was my first one and then I kind of
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chopped a minute off because I didn't want to exhaust myself I ran the whole
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way but I just jogged like in the even Pace just so I could keep so I didn't
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get uh exhausted and run out of breath I'm gonna first cross the finish line
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after the first half marathon I just burst into tears because you felt so like full of Pride yeah I can't believe
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I did that I still can't believe to this day it wasn't actually too hard to train
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for I remember but I don't know you you have to you have to want to do it and at that time I guess I wanted to
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do it but at the moment I don't want to do it and but the older you get the harder it is to begin
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yes I know so why don't you look at the moment you're on Jenny Craig you're trying to lose weight yeah I've
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lost five kilos and five running not so fun so yeah but the the like the way that you've lost by having
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these ridiculous tiny expensive little portions they're not they are they are tiny though aren't
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they um but you would lose weight so much faster and you would feel so much better
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mentally if you combined a bit of exercise as well through my whole marriage from Dom he's
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an exercise bully he's being on this day trying to convince me to exercise and
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this is the speech he gives me every time and I my eyes just glaze over oh God I I am yeah you're you're very
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tolerant I don't know how you lastly with me for so long like I I was looking
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back at some photos the other day there's um there's a show on Apple Plus
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called The Reluctant traveler with Eugene Levy and so good and one of the episodes he goes to Venus and
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um I I got about um I suppose nostalgic thinking about I've been to Venice once and we went at the
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same time like about 10 years ago we went together yeah so I I went back over my phone looking at some old photos of
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that trip to Venus and there's photos of me like up at six in the morning running
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around the canals of Vena so we're on holiday and we'd go out for dinner and
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stuff then I'd get up the next morning and go for a run that must have um that
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must have been awful traveling with me the time we go to a new plant that's great for you but
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not for me I mean I get to sing the city thing that would be good but I don't
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know Runners just have that thing and I don't have it so I'd rather just
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Meander around the city yeah oh that's fair enough um that's fair enough God I am
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this is the I'm getting hot I don't know I don't know where to start with this
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it's like it's hard to know how much we focus on the dynamic of our relationship
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which there's a lot of curiosity about and how much we just focus on the JJ story well maybe ask you to have me on
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your podcast why do they say why they never specify all I suppose they just like hearing us together
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because we did we did that's geez I was thinking about this overnight um I woke up and I was just thinking
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about how how we structure this podcast and and how I do it and it just filled me out with guilt and shame just
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there's so so much stuff that I feel bad about like we worked together for so
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many years and um I I took it so seriously and uh and you were yeah I looked back now and you're the best
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person I've worked with and the easiest person to work with and I was so hard to
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work with I took it so seriously are you crying maybe getting a little I'm getting tearing you have to leave a
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cried it took like 11 years yeah yeah you're emotional now why no I I I just wanted to be
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successful so badly I think I prioritized work at the expense of everything else
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you did you did but it was your chance to say no no no but I get it because I know how much how important work is
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and how how it how important radio is and was you know to you because it was radios not like you know it's not like a
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normal job it's like you live it it does consume you and you know you live your
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life on the radio and all that stuff so I understand that but you the thing about you is you want to
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win you're passionate and you're very good at what you do and you want to win
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but you want to win so badly that sometimes you weren't willing to make let people make mistakes to get
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there I was a control freak so yeah you're a little bit hard on other people
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which I found not me because I would just tell you to [ __ ] off oh thank you can we get some tissues on
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here please it's totally fine like I enjoyed working with you because I felt I found
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honest with everybody that you work with yeah the only other co-host I've had
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where I can be their illness is flenny who I have now and we're pretty honest
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with each other um I mean obviously not 100 but um with you no we're good we're good yeah
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yeah and you are you're genius your mind is genius you're so creative you're so clever I just admire that you
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could come up with an idea like this and it's outside the box and you know you're
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you're a massive reason why the edge succeeded um and you know it's without you know after after you leave
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after you left you know it's not it's not the same no it's not but no but then
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you you you take a break from this um this industry that you love and then you realize
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I put everything I had into this thing which no one gives a [ __ ] about like when you take a step back from it
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you realize when you're in there it feels like you're like part of the All
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Blacks or something and everyone cares and then you take a break I don't I can't tell you when the ratings come out
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oh I used to like have sleepless nights before the radio ratings came out anyway
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this is not this is not um this is your podcast not mine yes yeah okay so um well okay yeah what
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no I just think you beat yourself up yeah as well and you shouldn't and this
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is the thing about you as you do you beat yourself up so much that I think it think it sometimes can stop you
00:10:08
because you're you're so much better than you think you are you you and that's it's it's not a bad thing
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like you you are so passionate and want to want to do so well and you do do well but I
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feel like sometimes you just need to relax a little bit and let let things take a natural course and Trust other
00:10:31
people and Trust what other people say and you know yeah yeah yeah I mean look at you doing fine you're doing
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absolutely fine you one of the top bloody broadcasters in New Zealand without a doubt and I'm not just because
00:10:44
I'm married to you people go or you just saying that because you know you're
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biased but I mean the reason why I was attracted to you in the first place as well was because you were very uh
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successful way back then in the 90s and I love that about you I love that that you were um so determined
00:11:03
passionate ambitious uh successful I love that that was that's the sort of thing that I'm attracted to and
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you know that's always been you that is you yeah oh thank you that's very cool
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your podcast is doing amazing even though I don't listen to Everything I know it's doing so well I see the rank
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guard you work I know how much you care about it and I'm just a you know you
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have some amazing guests and they open up to you yeah yeah well sometimes they cry in the
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sleep but today that's the highest um all right so let's talk about the JJ
00:11:36
Phoenix story there's probably a lot of people that don't know about you but um
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like how much do you want to talk about about your early years and your upbringing oh
00:11:44
you're um it feels kind of strange doing this interview because I know you so well I
00:11:50
know you know you intimately and I know how successful you've been and just how
00:11:54
how you know rough a start you had in life um but to me like you're a shining
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Beacon of Hope for people that are going through [ __ ] that you can pull yourself
00:12:03
out of it granted like you are the black sheep of your family and the respect that you know everyone else has like
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repeated the cycle there's been teen pregnancy there's been crime there's
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been all that um but you you're the most like honest and I think hard-working person that I
00:12:20
know and it's like uh we talked about the gene thing earlier about it you're like a throwback
00:12:26
in some way how how did you do it why did you choose to take the right path instead of the wrong path when all of
00:12:33
your other siblings kind of took the wrong path or let their past hold them back
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for I feel like some of my siblings fell victim to the cycle and they would just
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they just gave up early on no this is my life the what was me and they just continued it and they felt
00:13:01
like victims rather than having any control over their own destiny whereas me I was opposite I thought when I grow
00:13:09
up I don't want this life I need to get out of this life I need to I don't want to be like this I need to
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help my mom I need to be you know work hard get a good job so I guess there was that
00:13:23
me wanting to fight against the cycle so when I grow up my mum was um that's just backstory for years watching
00:13:33
I hate talking about it my mum was a teenage Martin so she was 15 when she got pregnant with me and it was
00:13:40
shoot my mum would hate this but it was to a one-night stand and I only found out who this guy was like 11 years ago
00:13:47
by the way so um mum met this guy Gary Feeney and he um when she was pregnant with me and he
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his name's on my birth certificate and then they had another two kids Michael and Michelle
00:14:00
um and then they split up and mum's only like eight 19 or 20 at this point um
00:14:08
and she's a single mom with three kids at 20. and so there was never any money
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she was on the benefit there was never any money and then she met another guy and
00:14:23
he was like horrifically abusive and um yeah he he was violent like really terrible like would even harm animals
00:14:35
and just a horrible person and he was he sexually abused me which I only told mum
00:14:41
about about 10 years ago yeah how old were you when they started six and he's never he's never paid for a day
00:14:52
I mean Karma's got him in a lot of ways but in some ways he's an episode
00:14:58
[ __ ] loser loser loser I I I I know knowing you the way I do like I know the impact it's had and
00:15:05
and other areas of your life that people would just like scratch their head and not understand for example like the
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smell of weak bags and um things that remind them meet life's music yeah things that remind me of him make me
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just absolutely Shadow like I hate people whistling around me oh God but anyway regardless oh do you
00:15:27
need tattoos now yeah he's a horrible person and um my mum he beat my mum so much and we
00:15:35
went we ran to women's refuges and we standing with real herons refugees quite
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a lot um there was this one time so mum had a baby to him so she had four kids by the age 22. there was one time
00:15:48
he beat her and mum went to go to a friend's house and she said I can take you but I can't take
00:15:54
all four of your children and so I was at school and my and my sister Jamie was a baby and Mum said
00:16:02
um to my dad one of my birthday um can you take the two middle ones because I you know I need to go and stay
00:16:11
with a friend and he's supposedly this is the story I know anyway uh supposedly he said he couldn't
00:16:16
have them so mum had no choice but to put them in a home overnight like a kid's home and my dad lost the plot and
00:16:26
he went and picked them up the next morning but from there he told them and they're only three two and four years
00:16:31
old he told them that their mum abandoned them and so they grew up thinking oh mum abandoned us and didn't care
00:16:39
about us even though they'd still come and stay in the school holidays and stuff like that yeah
00:16:44
um and even though they both lived with mum later like before teenage years so I
00:16:50
don't know but they had this in their head so as young kids they felt already
00:16:55
abandoned and then loved or whatever and grew up with this sort of mentality and meanwhile me and my sister we were
00:17:02
just well my sister probably doesn't remember much mum mum left my the guy who beat us
00:17:07
when I was about 11 thank God thank God but the damage was already done with me but I had thought
00:17:15
um I'm never gonna live I'm never gonna let anyone treat me like that because I
00:17:20
was always saying to mum I'm only a little kid but I'm saying mum mum don't
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go back don't go back but he would beg her and he even tried it with us he made
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me cry he would he would beg me and he'd give us presents and he'd say please
00:17:33
please you know he was just manipulating Theory very manipulating um anyway so he it's never I've never like
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I've never gone to court or anything like that this it's just too hard to
00:17:47
prove so there's no way I would bother he's lucky he's got away with it but
00:17:53
apparently he's done it to other kids which is typical because I think pedophile you're a pedophile aren't you
00:17:58
didn't get a hiding with a baseball bat after he was a Peeping Tom over yeah he
00:18:01
was looking in some kids windows and some this is his story he was looking in the window
00:18:07
but him there must be more to it because the father of the kids who was looking at came out beat him with a baseball bat
00:18:12
but he he that's calmer in a way isn't it he lives in the Caravan park somewhere yeah probably enlisting other
00:18:18
kids which is really unfortunate but um why did you never tell your mum at the time or uh because
00:18:28
I nearly nearly told my teacher when I was about seven I nearly did but I didn't know what to say and I thought
00:18:35
that I'd get in trouble and they said that's that that's the thinking of a
00:18:39
little kid like I remember it now so clearly but at the time I didn't have the mental the mental maturity that I
00:18:45
have now so you feel guilty like you've done something wrong yeah you brought it
00:18:49
on yourself yeah your fault or because you don't understand really what's
00:18:52
happening and you think if I if I say anything he's going to hurt my mum and
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that was what I really thought he's going to hurt my mum and so I never said
00:19:01
anything and I just kept it quiet and then the longer I left it the more I thought I can't tell anyone now because
00:19:06
I've left it too long I've left it too long I've left it too long anyway it
00:19:09
started really affecting me um as late late teens when when you start having relationships with people it
00:19:17
started affecting me because I realized how uh the just the impact it had on you that
00:19:23
you're going to wear off yeah like just scared to um learns much and I can be
00:19:32
uh it's weird I'm not like I'm quite can be quite awkward when it comes to
00:19:39
sex right and so why are you asking me Jesse I just feel really um I feel dirty a lot
00:19:50
anyway so I don't really I've never really talked about that anywho um what I was saying is we had a bit of
00:19:57
a rough childhood and I always feel like that's not going to be me but unfortunately my brother
00:20:02
and sister uh they you know my brother got into trouble he's been in and out of prison his whole
00:20:10
life he thinks no one cares about um we did care we don't know because he's so
00:20:16
method so forget that and he just causes too much trouble and he's always in and
00:20:20
out of prison my sister she's tried really hard but she hangs out with a bad crowd
00:20:25
and she's had four kids by the time she was 22 as well and all to different people and
00:20:31
never had any money and you know it's just in a couple of my other siblings similar similar similar but not not
00:20:40
entirely the same it's just it's just I don't know I could probably eat a lot of that out
00:20:46
the point is I just did not want to live that life so I know something in me decided to give
00:20:54
me that ambition and determination to live a better life when I grow up and so yeah I worked hard to get a job and
00:21:03
and what I always want to do is look after my mum and so I did buy an apartment with you
00:21:09
that um she lives in rink free which has really been like a life goal of mine I'm
00:21:15
really lucky to have been able to do it thank you um yeah it's the nicest thing isn't it
00:21:20
and she um and she's very very she's a very proud woman so she doesn't she you
00:21:26
get the feeling she like she loves it she loves learning we're in Freedom Central City Apartment
00:21:31
not two she's on the pinch and it's bloody ridiculous yeah yeah but she's um
00:21:35
she's not expecting if anything's probably a bit embarrassed about it so
00:21:38
she tries to like compensate in other ways by adding value to your life my nothing I can't give her anything or pay
00:21:45
for anything I lie to her sometimes I'll go mama that's for free because she won't connect to do it
00:21:52
otherwise sometimes and I feel like what you've talked about the last 10 minutes this is you
00:22:00
um at the core as a person and um I feel like you get a hard rap online like whenever there's a story about you
00:22:07
on New Zealand Herald or staff or Instagram there's comments usually from other women saying I can't stand that
00:22:14
woman we're just like just completely unfair because like the JJ I know like the real
00:22:20
person it's completely not true and if any anyone that knows you like actually
00:22:24
knows you likes you and knows you're the most honest and hard-working and caring
00:22:29
and compassionate person there is I know because I have a cynical I have a cynical and sort of sarcastic sense of
00:22:35
humor and not everyone gets it is it a consequence from just putting yourself out there as well I think so it's to
00:22:41
protect kicked myself I think yeah so um I think I can come across as sassy to people who don't know me because they
00:22:50
know people that know me know that's my sense of humor yeah people who don't
00:22:53
know me might take it a bit literally so um I mean when you're in the public eye
00:22:57
everyone gets everyone gets a negative comments I don't even really hear I don't care it's like well you don't know
00:23:02
me so I'm not your friend you're not my friend whatever you can say what you want about
00:23:06
me it doesn't matter I I know who I am I know um you can't please everybody and
00:23:14
um you know it literally means nothing to me yeah that's a good way to be because
00:23:22
they're not people that know you don't know them they don't know you so why
00:23:26
would you put so much weight on their opinion but it's hard not to do it is hard to get to that point where you
00:23:30
don't do that to someone oh my God that girl she's had so much plastic surgery yeah no she
00:23:39
doesn't because she she doesn't she doesn't know me and I don't even know her she might be the
00:23:44
coolest person ever you know like we all judge people that we don't know yeah that's the thing like you you don't
00:23:50
like everyone yourself so why would you expect everyone to like you I don't need
00:23:54
people to like me to feel good about myself yeah but you need and I think this is the Trap I found fell into for
00:24:00
from doing radio for years and years and years like it's important to be liked so
00:24:03
you almost become obsessed with being like your whole value your whole employment status is based on you being
00:24:10
liked that's the thing follow you and you need more and more people to do that so yes that is true
00:24:22
so I would never want but I would never want a listener or someone to say those bad things about me
00:24:29
but these these strangers that are saying [ __ ] about me on social media if they're not even listening so I'm not
00:24:34
losing anything if you're not making them listen to me it's enough for me to sustain my career
00:24:45
yeah if you've got like a seven percent market share in radio that's enough so
00:24:49
you can have 93 out of 100 people ahead of your guts as low as the seven percent
00:24:52
like you so why why radio why did you gravitate towards radio was this a high school thing I think when I was a kid
00:24:59
I've always been like quite a performer and you know when Mum would have a little friends around and I'd always
00:25:04
come out and tell them jokes and stuff and I always just loved getting a kick out of them laughing at my jokes looking
00:25:10
back I was probably a real pesty little kid but um everyone drives away oh kids should
00:25:15
be seen and not heard that JJ it was a real show Pony you know had so much confidence and I always thought I
00:25:24
want to be an entertainer of some kind but because I couldn't sing I thought ah um I wasn't like I was I
00:25:30
used to listen to the radio when I was about five or six and think I don't like
00:25:34
how do I get inside there like I had no idea so I always thought maybe the radio
00:25:39
but um in rip days weekly top 40. that sounds fun I want to do that I'd interview my friends on my little tape
00:25:49
recorder yes it wasn't until I was at high school and I got an opportunity to
00:25:52
do some work experience at the local radio station then I thought yeah this is definitely me yeah so I was just
00:25:58
lucky to have that opportunity because otherwise I don't think I would have known where to go or what to do it's
00:26:04
quite funny that you've got that show off Gene that way because um like you I don't know I don't know if you've
00:26:10
always been this way or if it's just something that's happened as you've got
00:26:12
older and got less energy but you're quite um you're quite and not introverted but quite happy just to stay
00:26:19
at home and according to my DNA I'm an introvert yeah yeah no but as you get older
00:26:30
I don't know I I have become less at least need to be the center of attention maybe
00:26:44
maybe so but as a kid and growing up I guess but that's just youth I don't know
00:26:48
there's something in the I think most young people like to be the center of attention because you're trying to find
00:26:52
your place in the world so you're kind of like hey hey hey I'm over here I'm
00:26:56
over here um now I found my place in the world I don't need the attention I think that's
00:27:00
what it is and I do and I am I'm 49. I like I'm sick of I'm sick of that like I
00:27:06
don't need to impress anyone anymore I can just be like a little homebody and watch TV or uh do
00:27:13
jigs or puzzles or whatever but I'm happiest when I'm sleeping I'm happiest when I'm just um drinking
00:27:20
one with my friends or when I'm traveling um I just don't like to exert too much
00:27:25
energy nowadays I get tired when I get home at seven o'clock from talking all
00:27:28
afternoon the last thing I want to do is talk so when did when did you realize you
00:27:34
were good at right you were good good like quite sort of straight away weren't
00:27:37
you I remember I always you and you and I started about the same time yeah I was
00:27:41
in Palmerston North you're in New Plymouth and I just felt like there was a buzz about you but JJ you were always
00:27:46
going to be the next big thing um gotta be my my um yeah I don't know I guess everyone was so back then
00:28:04
everyone was so kind of boring on the radio they would just read the liners which you know coming up this weekend
00:28:10
we've got a great fear on at the local park and coming up next is moving pictures what about me and I
00:28:19
always thought people have a bit of fun why don't they say some fun things I think I don't know if I was any good
00:28:29
at first no you were up for awards immediately and stuff like that yeah I know weird I
00:28:35
don't know I thought about it the other day because I've been a I've won a radio award nearly every year
00:28:41
of my career I've got far out that's amazing but I don't know sometimes I think I'm just
00:28:49
lucky am I lucky well if I work out for it I don't know I remember oh you do you have you've
00:28:55
worked bloody hard for it um I remember one of the first times I met you was at um one of the New Zealand Radio awards
00:28:59
and we would have both been I don't know 18 19 20 maybe and you won an award and
00:29:06
you were in the same category as um one of my best friends Robert Scott and Robert had been doing radio a long time
00:29:12
and you you went up to Universal I'm like oh my God I can't believe I beat
00:29:18
you I beat you you've been doing this for years and I've only just started and
00:29:23
I beat you and he was he was heartbroken I was just being my funny witty annoying
00:29:33
self it was young but I still I didn't I could not believe I beat Robert Scott oh
00:29:39
my God I know I came from a good place it's like you weren't [ __ ] on him
00:29:42
but uh yeah so so that was at a station in um New Plymouth that you started called
00:29:55
Energy FM which is now one of the more FM stations and then from there you you launch the edge
00:30:01
yes so Stephen Joyce who used to be the Minister of Finance or whatever it was like John Key's right-hand man yeah he
00:30:09
uh the one that had the dildo thrown in US yeah even started energy FM in New Plymouth
00:30:14
it's a summer radio station when he was at Mesa University um he and his mates Jeremy Corbett they
00:30:21
um and a couple of others that he was studying to be a zoologist or something um or a vet or whatever he they started
00:30:28
the summer radio station at Massey University and it went off so they started one in New Plymouth and it got a
00:30:33
full-time license and that's where energy FM began and he ended up buying uh The Rock in Hamilton and this other
00:30:41
station called the Buzzard which was not doing very well and it was a pretty [ __ ]
00:30:44
station and so he's he started he turned the Buzzard into a news station at cool
00:30:50
hip youth station and called it the edge and he asked me to um do the drive show on there afternoons
00:30:57
and so sorry I'm burping because you're very relaxed so uh would you do this on the year on more FM no why do it
00:31:07
on my podcast sorry I forgot where I was right and then I really as I was too old
00:31:18
for the age now what were what were those days like the early days so it's like a nationwide station now and it's
00:31:24
hard to imagine it's hard to imagine a New Zealand radio landscape without the
00:31:28
edge but it was just like a one-off station in Hamilton then it started popping up in other cities right so it
00:31:32
was in Hamilton only for about maybe two or three years I can't remember and then
00:31:38
it started like broadcasting to Tauranga and then Hawke's Bay and and um somewhere else and then it just it's it
00:31:48
was so popular that it just they decided to keep putting it in other cities until
00:31:52
it became Nationwide but the edge was like what made it so popular because zidium was already going at the time Zid
00:31:58
had been around forever and I suppose like the similar stations they're both
00:32:04
playing the same music top 40 music so what what made the edge so different well actually ZM
00:32:11
is the itch because the city was called The Breeze in Hamilton so the breeze in Hamilton was sounds not
00:32:20
does not sound like the breeze now it sounded like zidium because I worked on there for about four months this sounds
00:32:25
like an April Fool's Day Stone were you a switch format yeah I know so the breeze was like a top 40 station yeah
00:32:32
right and then and then around the same time as uh the edge um but it was top 40s but they were just you
00:32:47
know the top 40 music and all and radio wacky radio contest The Edge was different because
00:32:54
we did stuff no one had done before and people were afraid to do and we did things that were outside the box to try
00:33:03
and get attention to try and get the ratings up and it worked obviously so what the edge was really Innovative
00:33:10
because the things we started doing were working so well that all the other radio
00:33:15
stations particularly ZM started copying and doing their own versions of so before you knew it
00:33:21
they were doing the same stuff as us and the agency of them were starting to sound the same and that's because they
00:33:26
knew we were onto a good thing so they wanted to get a get a piece of that and uh yeah that's a that's the hard thing
00:33:32
about I suppose not just radio but any industry like um if you're the innovator
00:33:37
and it's successful other people are always going to copy and you have to keep re-innovating and keep coming up
00:33:41
with something new don't you yeah oh God did I oh yeah I had something to eat
00:33:45
before and it's on my face no it's not you didn't notice it no um Dougie don't need it there but out
00:33:55
that's funny um was it really obvious Dougie yeah so I think it was in these early
00:34:02
days of the year that um I was still at a station in Palmerston North and you the edge was just at Hamilton station
00:34:08
and you you were doing what's known now as Married at First Sight like 20 some
00:34:13
25 years later but this was at the time like groundbreaking radio it was called two strangers in a wedding yeah
00:34:21
station actually came to us TV3 uh was that John Aiken someone came to us to ask us how we did it so they could turn
00:34:29
it into the TV show yes we we actually weren't the first to do two strangers in
00:34:34
a wedding I saw that a radio station in um Denmark or somewhere had done something kind of like it and so I said
00:34:44
to my boss Leon oh my God we should we should marry two strangers and that's
00:34:50
sort of where it all sort of started and we and he was on board with it because Leon Leon rat who was the boss at the
00:34:56
age for years and now he's sort of like the boss of radio in our company he was
00:35:01
he was so um open to anything and and he was so supportive and um creative and he was he
00:35:12
was on board with yeah let's do it let's do this and he'd have crazy ideas about
00:35:16
how to put a Twist on it we did a lot of things that we shouldn't have done uh
00:35:20
and again we got in trouble for and uh things that we should have got in trouble for in today's landscape whoa
00:35:26
whoa whoa you'd be canceled um but at the time it was like Innovative Innovative stuff but you're
00:35:33
marrying the two strangers was so successful and we did it four times and still today over 20 years later all four
00:35:41
couples are together with their kids still and I just put there's there's a
00:35:46
lot of there's a lot of research and hard work going into making sure there were actual matches and not just drama
00:35:51
for TV oh yeah whenever whenever I go on podcasts and that gets bored out because
00:35:55
I wasn't there for the first one uh I was still in Palmer's North then but I
00:35:58
was there for the um the the three that came after that yeah I I say to anybody that asks
00:36:04
um the success of all those couples entirely came down to you and the work that you put into it because you you you
00:36:11
like every single time we did it it was the same thing um like these people would apply then their appearance would
00:36:18
be outraged by it or mortified because this isn't the future they saw for their
00:36:22
son or their daughter and you would sit down with the families and lock them in and say trust me I'm I'm not going to
00:36:28
stitch up your son and your daughter I'm gonna find them um their soulmate and then you know
00:36:35
um Leon who you're talking about before or other people would say oh let's throw
00:36:38
on a Twist let's do this you'd be like no [ __ ] off you know it's real people
00:36:42
we're dealing with here Leon did get his wife yes there are three strangers you two
00:36:52
groups standing at the at the altar and the bride had to wandered down the island turn left or right before seeing
00:36:58
their faces yeah I wasn't on board with that but I had control over making sure the matches
00:37:05
were going to be okay um and then the fourth one oh I think Leon just wanted it to not
00:37:12
work out because um that other three had but I still didn't want to [ __ ] with those people's lives
00:37:19
and also I feel like it's better if they if they do succeed I see what Leon's
00:37:24
saying he wants the drama like on TV but you can have a bit of the drama as long
00:37:28
as you still want you know you're still going to think these are real people
00:37:32
here that you're dealing with and um you know I wouldn't want to I I always care
00:37:37
about the people first and foremost yeah I think that's commendable and it's um
00:37:41
that's like part of the 60s of those couples being together I maintained that
00:37:44
and you did so much work on those things a lot of it was unnecessary like the the
00:37:48
astrological stuff [Laughter] regardless of what you think about astrology there is something in there and the
00:38:06
compatibility you're an aquarius I'm at Aries yeah we tested to fail destined to fail
00:38:14
um so do you want to talk yeah absolutely the best friends um did you want to talk I don't know how
00:38:20
much or and how little detail you want to talk about this but um in those early days of the age
00:38:25
um you had a co-host called Brian Reed who I went with in Palmerston North um I was on the breakfast show he was the
00:38:31
overnight guy um crazy unusual dude I remember going around to his flat one day and had had a
00:38:37
motorbike accident on the way home and he had like a like a massive cat and his jeans and a mess of gash and I was like
00:38:44
bro you you we should go to the hospital you need stitches and he's like oh no I
00:38:47
have some Panadol and I'm sleeping off and then next thing you know he's
00:38:50
working with you in in Hamilton and he got the nickname uh butt ugly Bob terrible nickname well hey
00:38:59
yeah like a Wandering eye yeah but ugly Bob so he um he was the ugly Bob oh my gosh he's part he's died now
00:39:06
he passed away um but um he he would be a massive star if he was alive today that guy is a creative
00:39:20
genius he really is he was and um but anyway at the time he the Miss waikato contest was on now this is in the late
00:39:28
90s okay there's no diversity and [ __ ] like that back then there's Miss waikato
00:39:33
it's a beauty pageant for women he wanted to enter the Miss waikato contest and he managed to secure us he managed
00:39:42
to get in there he managed to convince the organizers to let him into the miss my cataconte's and he said if he did not
00:39:49
win he would rename himself but ugly Bob and of course he did not win the writing was on the wall he won Miss
00:39:57
personality almost Congeniality or some [ __ ] and um so he from then he started
00:40:02
calling himself by ugly Bob and that name just really caught on with people and people would meet him and they go oh
00:40:07
you're not that ugly you know um so that was kind of good for him but he was he was a very funny creative guy
00:40:13
yeah yeah so no I mean no one listened to this word there might be a few people that were in Hamilton at the time they
00:40:19
would remember him but um this is pre-internet pre any social media so there's no sort of footprint of them
00:40:25
online so um what happened on the end so you worked with him on a Friday morning
00:40:31
so this is I think it was about 1998. yeah I think it was um I'd work with them for a couple of years
00:40:38
and we were supposed to do a promotion on a Saturday where we were supposed to go to some
00:40:43
I don't know McDonald's or somewhere and handout stickers or whatever I don't
00:40:48
know we had a promotion and um he didn't show up and it was getting to about one o'clock or two o'clock and I
00:40:54
was just so annoyed because I thought where the hell is he like I'm having to
00:40:58
do all this by myself and I was just really pissed off because I'd seen him the night before and we were at the pub
00:41:04
and he was like he'd been drinking a lot and he was like I love you I [ __ ]
00:41:10
love you and it's just going around saying I love you and I just thought oh he's so drunk he's got a hangover and he
00:41:17
hasn't showed up and I was so annoyed anyway did the promo went home in about four o'clock that afternoon the
00:41:24
police came to my door and they were like um I thought oh what's my brother done
00:41:30
again and they said uh um can we come in and I was like uh okay and they said do you know Brian Reed
00:41:45
and I was like yeah and I thought oh no he said a car accident because he had a left-hand Drive BMW
00:41:51
and he's like bung eye so whenever I was in the car with him and I had a crack in
00:41:56
the windscreen so I was like oh my God he's had a character so whenever he would overtake a cat I'd freak out he
00:42:02
was a terrible driver I thought oh no he's had a car accident and they said he's dead
00:42:10
you know I just thought what what no what the hell that's so that's not true that's weird and they
00:42:22
told me what happened to him and that he'd taken his own life oh my God yeah it was just
00:42:31
I just couldn't believe it I just couldn't believe it like I'd seen him the night before and he was so happy
00:42:37
and he was really happy the night before actually and I think that was him he knew he was going to do it he was saying
00:42:43
goodbye to people I think maybe because he was really like pissed with his decision yeah and he was really all over
00:42:49
me like if I could love you may you're the best you know like and I'm just like
00:42:53
wow you're so drunk so they were there were no there were no signs I mean you
00:42:57
were doing a show with them like in the in the weeks before that was he was he like you know showing any signs of um
00:43:03
yeah mental health issues or depression well he did suffer from by bipolar but um
00:43:08
he was he was depressed because his girlfriend had broken up with him and he really was not having a good week
00:43:17
you know he wasn't coping very well with that but I think that's I think that's what
00:43:25
um pushed him over the edge yeah this is so sad I don't know so I I I'm annoyed that he never talked
00:43:33
to me about it like I had no I would never have suspected he was that upset about it or
00:43:39
he was ever that he would ever take his own life like I never thought that would
00:43:42
happen uh so when when it does happen and anyone would know this who's had someone kill themselves you you blame
00:43:50
yourself in some way you think what could I have done to stop this from happening or did I do
00:43:55
something to make this happen you think that too um and the problem is you're never going
00:44:01
to get the answer to that and that's annoying and it makes it really hard to
00:44:04
deal with and hard to get over yeah yeah so I think about Bob still to this day often like so much it used to be every
00:44:14
day it's not every day now but it's a lot and I think about him and I think
00:44:18
you know what would he be doing now and what would he have said or done or you know do you like how often like weekly
00:44:24
monthly probably every couple of weeks now really yeah but up until only a couple
00:44:30
of years ago it was nearly every day yeah I think about them a lot I think that's it that's um I mean
00:44:37
when you when you're gone you're gone I think I I I I'm I'm an atheist I don't
00:44:41
think there's any afterlife or anything but I think that's uh if there was some
00:44:45
sort of an afterlife um that's all you could hope for right that that people that you left Behind
00:44:49
still think about you from time to time yeah I think that's the biggest compliment it's gonna be a time when no
00:44:54
one's thinking about you at all I'm doing my my DNA on Ancestry and I'm
00:44:57
going back to my great-grandparents and before that who's remembering any of
00:45:02
those people they're just names on a page and if you don't know the person
00:45:04
you have no feeling or no real connection to it there's people going around symmetries and they take photos
00:45:08
of the grapes and upload them so you can find the grave of your dead descendant but it's like no one's visiting that
00:45:14
grave anymore yeah it's quite sad it's not what you think of it like that yeah it is and
00:45:18
it's quite morbid so I think that's that's where you're gonna make the most
00:45:21
of the life while you're here yeah but then on another guy was a um represented Us in the Commonwealth
00:45:35
Games for high jump so when you read about them you're like oh that's cool
00:45:38
good good for you great great Granddad Gary yeah unfortunately Bob died before the
00:45:48
internet yeah oh I will still be on the internet for years to come what um yeah JJ's current
00:45:54
obsession is uh we attached upon this earlier ancestry.com like you spend every spare minute on this thing well
00:46:01
because you will never get it finished it's it's like it's so time consuming
00:46:06
and it's just fascinating but the reason why I'm doing it is I want to find out
00:46:10
because my biological father who had sex with my mum when she was 15 at a party and then that was it and I
00:46:16
never saw never found out who he was until about 11 years ago he he's had four
00:46:25
of us four four one night stand kids okay he's got two others that he had in
00:46:31
a marriage I just met and the last three years I've met two sisters who have just discovered him one's in
00:46:39
England she did her DNA and found it she's like Dad is her dad another one just
00:46:44
last year did not even know her father wasn't her father and he didn't know
00:46:49
either her mum had kept it a secret their whole life and she did a DNA test just for fun and came up that my dad as
00:46:58
her dad and she's like there's a mistake here she had no idea so that's really torn
00:47:04
her apart and then I've got this other brother Roman so I want to make sure there's no other siblings out there oh
00:47:10
my God and that's why I'm obsessed with DNA I need to know where did I come from
00:47:15
and who else am I related to because this guy at my work who did the day show or more FM he sent me a message going oh
00:47:21
my god I've just done my DNA and you have come up as a cousin and I'm like oh
00:47:25
my God I'm related to a guy at work how many not related to that I know really yeah
00:47:30
but if you go far enough back aren't you related to everyone what if you go all
00:47:34
the way back to Adam anyway but um you have an issue it's like like we we were still married and living
00:47:45
together when um you track down your biological dad yeah and I think I remember being a bit cautionary at the
00:47:51
time saying I'll be careful what you wish for you're opening Pandora's box or
00:47:55
whatever now all of a sudden you've got a whole other family of like adults that
00:47:59
you've never met that you're going to their Christmases and birthdays and an
00:48:02
extra 30 prisons to buy every year but you what is why um why was that Curiosity there did it just feel like
00:48:09
there was like a Missing Link in your life my whole life I felt like I knew that I knew that my mum told me when I
00:48:15
was six that my dad my Feeney Dad wasn't my dad and this is Gary yeah she told me
00:48:21
to keep it a secret and also when I'm sick so I went through a lot when I was six years old
00:48:27
um so I kept a secret I never told my siblings I don't want them to be upset
00:48:31
but my whole life I just felt like I need to know who this person is because I didn't look like my siblings I needed
00:48:38
to know who do I look like uh where do I get this sense of humor from where do I
00:48:42
get this where do I get the fat jeans from because my Instagram anyway so I wanted I needed to know just
00:48:53
where where did I belong that's it I just wanted to meet him and that was all
00:48:58
but then once I met him you know I find out he's got all these other kids he's
00:49:02
got a sister and I've got cousins and all this here in Auckland so I it's been it's been good meeting them
00:49:09
because I get some questions answered but you know now I've met them I've sort
00:49:13
of got a you know they're in my life now it's just time management Hi-Fi I
00:49:18
struggle with like I don't mind having the family I just don't have time to
00:49:22
hang out you can hang out with family and work on your family tree at the same time
00:49:28
yeah and what about radio you still like radio um I do like radio you've been doing it
00:49:34
a long time now like 30 something years yes I'm finding it well having it's
00:49:44
it's changed people are so politically correct that's nobody you're supposed to
00:49:49
end radio you're you're supposed to be hired for having a strong opinion nobody
00:49:54
wants to hear your opinion anymore because if people don't agree with your opinion they instantly hate you so I
00:50:00
just find that so bizarre and it's like everyone has a microphone now because
00:50:04
everyone has a platform to say what they feel like saying so it's like in the old
00:50:10
days was like I'm the one with the microphone everyone else has got a microphone so
00:50:16
it's like so much noise so it's hard to I don't know radios kind of simplified
00:50:25
again it's simplified it's just basic light entertainment with music non-offensive yeah because when we were
00:50:32
when we were at the um the edge and it was in the uh I suppose it's funny because um when we did a show with Mike
00:50:39
Peru the uh JJ Mike and Dom show um when when you're when you're in a golden
00:50:44
patch you don't necessarily realize it's a golden patch but then you look back
00:50:47
and you go [ __ ] that was that was the peak but you don't realize it's the peak
00:50:51
when you when you're there but back then we were encouraged to poke the beer
00:50:55
where there was a sort of a mentality that um if people are complaining it's
00:50:59
good they're talking about it but now with social media if people complain they're like well I'm gonna listen to
00:51:04
the next ad break see who's advertising on the station and let these advertisers
00:51:08
know so the thing now is to basically not get is basically be under the radar right not get any attention at all
00:51:19
mean they're nasty they're vindictive it's like if you are anyone who said
00:51:24
anything negative on social media to anyone personally or about anyone or Donna's gone as far as contacted an
00:51:32
Advertiser you're a piece of piece of [ __ ] actually you are look take a [ __ ] look at yourself
00:51:41
calm down stick to your lane and just because your offender doesn't mean it's
00:51:47
offensive it pisses me so much she's so offended by something even on behalf of someone else it's like it's
00:51:55
got nothing to do with you yeah I just don't I just want to get through life simply these days and not
00:52:07
just get annoyed it's like yeah why does everyone have to try and ruin everyone
00:52:12
else's Day come on man just lighten up and have some fun in life and if you don't like
00:52:20
something then you don't like it just ignore it if I don't like something I'm
00:52:23
not [ __ ] if I don't like what Hillary Barry's wearing on TV I'm not writing in
00:52:27
about it yeah that's a good point I'll be like okay if you're the person that writes
00:52:36
something about that you [ __ ] you need a life so that pisses me off I've Got a Theory theory about it I reckon
00:52:42
it's because um everyone everyone [ __ ] up in their own life and everyone's everyone's
00:52:46
dealing with um their own [ __ ] everyone's dealing with some guilt with some shame or some regret or some
00:52:51
remorse about something that's something I've learned from this podcast so by
00:52:54
diverting the attention away from yourself and pointing at someone else that's [ __ ] up it just gives you a
00:52:59
sense of relief for a second I guess I don't know stop isn't it yeah it's just
00:53:04
stupid um and how's your mental health these days are you still on the um you're still on antidepressants yes I am
00:53:10
yeah so you'll be on them for life you think yeah but I'm not on a big dose or
00:53:14
anything yeah I'm pretty good at the moment the last time I was really depressed was
00:53:19
um when I was assaulted by the taxi driver I went through a very very very hard time then
00:53:27
um especially when people don't believe you which is [ __ ] up which is another
00:53:30
reason why I don't want to talk about my mom's ex-boyfriend releasing me because
00:53:34
yeah people think you're a liar which is [ __ ] stupid yeah um I was yeah I went through a really bad
00:53:40
patch after that yeah that was that was rough I um I went to court with you and I I I I was nervous about um just having
00:53:47
to um testify and it was only a couple of questions but this was your whole life
00:53:52
revolving around this and it's like um the defense lawyer it was like just doing her job by the definition of the
00:53:57
law she basically accused you of being an attention seeker and making it up to try and win me back or something and
00:54:03
when when when oh okay don't laugh but when when you know you it's like JJ's
00:54:10
the most like honest and trustworthy person you could ever meet like my nickname when we were together was rules
00:54:15
because yeah you know you you would just an absolute stickler for the rules so you're never going to make anything up
00:54:22
like it's just not in your DNA so to be accused of that yeah I'm not a liar and
00:54:27
I would never ever do anything to hurt someone that yeah I just don't hurt people
00:54:32
why would I do that innocent people that's just not me but anyway uh the system is the system but anywho I
00:54:39
was depressed but that's the last time I'm try I try really hard now to just
00:54:45
um avoid situations that I know can trigger me so what are they well just joking
00:55:00
um I think I try and keep people who stress me out at arm's limb yeah and that includes
00:55:08
some family members uh I try not to get caught up in the dramas um just there's a few things that set me
00:55:15
off but I just try really hard to just keep everything around me even and peaceful and if things start
00:55:25
getting really stressed like sometimes it's work I gotta sort it out because I
00:55:30
don't want to be depressed again but if I stop taking my meds I'll get depressed
00:55:34
but they keep me like I hardly cry that's how good they are so sort of suppresses some of your emotions it
00:55:41
makes it hard for me to get too emotional it keeps me level it's really hard to explain yeah because we were we
00:55:47
were still living together and working together when you had um one of your worst breakdowns and um Mike Peru and I
00:55:52
uh you you disappeared to go to the bathroom and uh the song finished and we started a voice break and you went there
00:55:58
and then we played another song and you still weren't there so we sent some of
00:56:03
the girls out looking for you and you were you know like um and one of the toilet cubicles just like you just
00:56:08
snapped at that moment what was that about was that one of the um was that one of the failed
00:56:14
IVF rounds was that around that time no it was the biggest mental breakdown I had was
00:56:21
then when I had a whole month where I literally couldn't get out of bed I was
00:56:25
so depressed yeah I've never seen anything like that there was a slapping point
00:56:36
it was hard to handle and you know we you're getting up at four in the morning you're
00:56:42
just constantly tired and there's people always wanting a piece of you and I'd
00:56:45
sort of seen an email asking me to be somewhere for something and I just couldn't deal with it anymore I don't
00:56:51
know it was so weird it was like something as simple as that it just broke me I just thought I can't cope
00:56:57
with any of this and I lost it um and I honestly thought about checking into a mentor hospital that's how bad it
00:57:06
was I just but I didn't want my name to be in the news for doing so oh so [ __ ]
00:57:12
weird um yeah that was rough and but I I look back upon that time now and I feel um
00:57:19
bad that I didn't handle it maybe as well as what I should and it came from a
00:57:23
good place but I I was working through and you're just like as you said staying
00:57:27
in bed and you were like beard written for almost a month and I'd come home open the blinds Come On The Sun Shines
00:57:33
out let's get out on the deck and get some vitamin D on your face we'll go for
00:57:38
a walk yeah and I'm sorry about that okay I've got more of a I don't know an
00:57:45
empathy streak now or more of an understanding about um your mental unwellness now but at the
00:57:50
time it came from a good place but I handled it completely the wrong way and I feel bad about that you did
00:57:54
was a choice as well because like you try to bully me into exercise it was like no but I can't just smile
00:58:06
and you can't just tell me a joke and I'm gonna feel better but it was hard to
00:58:10
explain that to you you know what depression feels like now I'm sure I think you've had it
00:58:16
and I think until you've had it or you you really can't understand what it is
00:58:22
it must be easy to think oh surely you can snap out of it and that's that's the
00:58:26
attitude you had which was very hard for me because I felt like I was a real burden
00:58:32
because you didn't understand and that I was really bringing the party down which
00:58:36
is the reason why I wanted to move out for a while was because I didn't want you to see me
00:58:40
like that and I didn't want to be bringing you down yeah depressionists it's [ __ ] actually
00:58:46
it's destructive it's really hard and so many of us are going through it I'm just
00:58:51
happy that I'm at a place now where I feel good about things I feel okay I can
00:58:57
I can manage everything and I don't want to go back to that place again I'm not
00:59:02
saying it won't happen but I'm trying really hard to just keep in control of everything in my
00:59:09
life because when things get out of control and I can't control it I think that's when
00:59:14
yeah well that's fair enough we went through a lot of stuff there was a lot of stuff like the um
00:59:20
fertility stuff was massive I know more than anything you wanted to be a dad like for me I could take it or
00:59:29
leave it I know I feel so bad about that now but I really wanted it at the time I
00:59:35
did really want it at the time and it was devastating when it didn't work out
00:59:38
each time but for you I felt more for you because as your wife I wanted to give you that I wanted you to have that
00:59:45
uh but it didn't work out so I'm really sorry oh no I see I feel so guilty about
00:59:51
their next we um I can't even remember how many I need to reread your 10 years
00:59:57
misconception by JJ a true story of life love and infertility you can't get that book right
01:00:06
but I've sort of like I suppose like compartmentalized and like shut that box
01:00:11
in my brain somewhere so I can't even remember what we how many rounds we went
01:00:15
through five rounds of yep and and right and then um and that was pretty much I feel like I was the
01:00:23
Catalyst for that and um after each family you had a tumor yeah no no okay so yeah male male infertility issue so I
01:00:32
mean that was that was not my fault but it's um age sort of failed around you'd
01:00:36
you'd cry and you'd want to make for a couple of days and I'd sort of be like
01:00:38
all right come on all right what's next on woods and upwards and in the end um
01:00:43
I'm paraphrasing here Dr Richard Fisher who's um like New Zealand's top
01:00:47
embryologist he basically sat us down and this is paraphrasing and basically said it's not going to happen for you
01:00:52
guys give it up and I wasn't ready to give it up at that stage and we had um
01:00:58
um a very good friend of mine uh who uh was a Spam donor and um he's married
01:01:06
with his own kids and I I asked him to do it you know it was a very meticulous decision and he agreed and he and his
01:01:12
wife had to go through counseling sessions and then go through the I don't know I suppose reasonably sort of
01:01:18
humility humiliating I don't know if that's a word um you know procedure of
01:01:22
like donating sperm yeah it's embarrassing it's embarrassing but it's a big thing that he did for us
01:01:29
but by then um even though uh getting pregnant through donor sperm is easier than IVF
01:01:35
and I see I see XC icsi whatever that stands for and by then you'd sort of checked out I was ready to keep going
01:01:42
but and I look back now and I feel terrible about that because I didn't have to do any of the work you were
01:01:47
doing it you do [ __ ] happens yes and I'm sorry because it feels it feels yeah
01:02:03
you don't have to feel responsible because you're not responsible yeah and
01:02:07
things don't always go our way in life and everyone has that where you know we're faced with
01:02:15
things that don't go our way and we just have to pick up and move on yeah oh no that is
01:02:22
one thing I've learned in this podcast um I had bloody Susie Cato on a while
01:02:26
ago and um she went through she had like um two miscarriages and then was made redundant from TV3 at the same time and
01:02:32
it just goes to show um yeah [ __ ] happens to everyone and [ __ ] happens to good people
01:02:38
but anyway I do I do feel bad about that because I look back now and I'm I think
01:02:42
I'm um more involved now and more empathetic now and um you know I should have handled things
01:02:48
differently in the second yeah yeah um and look I I don't think I don't hold
01:02:57
any grudges against you at all like we we split up on good terms you know with the Spiker disappeared and
01:03:06
I still love you like yeah yeah you're my best mate oh same but I feel like I
01:03:11
was a terrible husband at the time I was just so so did I'm work you don't you
01:03:16
don't even have to answer that that's me making a statement it's not fishing for
01:03:19
compliments [Laughter] yeah yeah um how much um do you want to talk about um the uh
01:03:33
um the adoption not at all or not really um oh my yeah okay so well it was bedtime
01:03:45
can I just like touch upon this no not really so JJ's brother who you mentioned earlier the one that's um in
01:03:54
and out of incarceration uh he had a son and uh he was like four years and 11 months old and um his his dad your
01:04:03
brother uh had to go back to jail so it was either basically everyone in the family had turned their back on on your
01:04:09
brother so this kid four years and 11 months old was either going to go to a like a a sith's home at the time
01:04:16
um or we had this massive house we had spare bedrooms and we couldn't have our
01:04:20
own kids so it seemed like an absolute no-brainer to me so we we took him in and I just want to give you like flowers
01:04:27
right now for doing um such a good job with him so I'm getting emotional talking about
01:04:35
it um you did a better job than I did no I listen I know that ended badly but you
01:04:40
you did so much for that kid and he's um he's a man now like he's what is he 18 19. he's 20. 20 years old
01:04:50
[ __ ] um yeah we're still untouching messages DMS me on Instagram from time to time
01:04:54
because asking for money uh no nobody he has started writing nice comments on posts so people people say to me all the
01:05:01
time oh one day he's going to come back and thank you guys but it's that's not
01:05:03
the reason you do it um and it did end up sour um but you did a phenomenal job and and
01:05:09
that kid doesn't know how how lucky he is I mean you I remember you doing parenting classes you and I had to go to
01:05:17
they had ring binders of notes and it was all very I don't know it's probably
01:05:23
all good stuff well-meaning stuff but you and you and I we end up having like um therapy on his behalf because he was
01:05:29
too young to have therapy and every week would be driving to these you know um government-funded therapy and I'll be
01:05:36
like why the [ __ ] am I going to therapy like he's the one that's [ __ ] up
01:05:40
um yes I was a pain in the ass but yeah um yeah you deserve so much prayer days and credit I think from not from your
01:05:48
own family or from me but from him as well in society in general because I've
01:05:53
got absolutely no doubt that um that that man's life would be completely different now had it not been for you
01:06:00
and the work that you did and you yeah and you anyway I'm I'm I'm heartbroken and traumatized
01:06:14
at the way things ended with him we're not going to talk about that but yeah that's hard to talk about when
01:06:22
there's someone else involved isn't it yeah is that the reason you don't like
01:06:26
talking about it uh yeah I wanted to change him into a tournament he'd come from a
01:06:44
bad place and I wanted to turn that around but these are nature versus nurture thing and unfortunately you know he
01:06:53
already was pre-programmed and there wasn't much we could do but just look after him
01:06:59
and I feel like I failed not being able to help them turn into a better person yeah we learned so much over that time
01:07:07
uh who wants to set something like 80 of a human's brain development starting on
01:07:11
the first thousand days which is like three years so by four years and 11 months old when he came to live with us
01:07:17
um the damage had already been done but I've seen some bad things but I not from
01:07:21
just um anyway let's talk about it anyway surely it's time to wrap this up no we're just
01:07:34
getting started it's been an hour and eight minutes what else do we need to touch upon
01:07:45
[Music] um I've become you know what you know what I've I've had time
01:07:56
um to pause and reflect on things and I I think um for me it was almost a strategy to avoid
01:08:04
dealing with any emotions just to keep busy and keep moving forward and then you realize this is not a way to that I
01:08:11
can live the rest of my life like it's not good so you need to sort of unpack
01:08:14
things and think about things and address things it's okay to talk about your feelings Dom it's okay to tell
01:08:20
people when you're hurting it's okay to show emotion it is but I think for me I always got
01:08:26
sort of um like validation from being a person that had the answers or you know it was a reliable and dependable person
01:08:34
not being the person that needed help but you are okay yeah yeah yeah this is huge this is the
01:08:43
thing about we're all human and nobody is nobody's got it right no one's 100 happy no one's life is perfect
01:08:51
even if it does look someone look like it on Instagram we all have [ __ ] to deal with we all
01:08:58
have [ __ ] going on you're upset because you care and that's a good thing you
01:09:04
care no I don't like seeing you upstairs that's why that's why I never cried on
01:09:09
all those years together no no no it's actually it's actually not sitting on Saturdays it's probably happy
01:09:16
tears in a way in a way if that makes sense because it's like um I look back
01:09:20
now and um yeah you were just so good to me and you still are I think I think there's been moments
01:09:28
where had it not been for your support I probably would have no there's a couple
01:09:32
of times where and I'm not saying this flippantly this isn't just like a shock
01:09:35
Factor thing but there are times where I probably would have you know like oh I you know I contemplated taking my own
01:09:40
life and there's the you know one of the reasons I've done this because my dog
01:09:45
like my dog wouldn't that wouldn't understand and then this I I didn't have some counseling sessions
01:09:55
and this is why I feel okay to talk about this the the counselor asked me if I'd ever felt like suicidal and I said
01:10:00
oh yeah I've had thoughts she's like but you never planned it or anything and I'm
01:10:04
like no just sort of thoughts like just leaving thoughts but with those thoughts
01:10:07
thoughts are quite alarming when when you have them um but she the therapist just sort of
01:10:12
shrugged her shoulders and she was like yeah it's an option that's open to all
01:10:14
of us she goes there's a there's a big step between having those thoughts and
01:10:18
actually planning it and that was a huge um you know weight off my shoulders but
01:10:22
at the time I was thinking um you know you think about other people I think oh well JJ I'll be upstairs and my
01:10:29
mum will be upset um but then then you think well once once I'm gone they'll they'll
01:10:35
realize that you know the void I leave isn't that great to your life yeah yeah
01:10:47
when you're that depressed and you're thinking that your life's not worth
01:10:51
living you always think that you think you're not good enough you think No One's Gonna Miss You that's rubbish
01:10:56
that's rubbish every single person who has taken their own life has been like
01:11:01
why did you do that because you've hurt so many people you've left a huge void
01:11:05
you life was worth living why did you do that like what yeah that's of course of course it's
01:11:15
gonna be a void a huge void if you had you you know 110 people came there's 110
01:11:25
people that care about you 140 if you cantonesian Mystic yeah that's true who
01:11:30
played live yeah look you've got a lot of people that care about you you know when
01:11:34
something bad happens like you know maybe a close family member dies or you get cancer or something really awful
01:11:41
like that people come out of the woodwork that you haven't heard from in ages and they're
01:11:46
like hey are you okay and you're like whoa I heard from you because those people don't necessarily check in every
01:11:51
now regularly because you know life goes on but they're there for you yeah when
01:11:56
you need them so when you're at that point where you think life's not worth
01:12:01
living there are actually so many more people that care about you than you think there are
01:12:06
there are so many people so please I know I understand that that's why I feel
01:12:11
comfortable talking about this now because I'm not on that stage anymore and and everything you're saying is 100
01:12:16
True like uh and we talked about your you know your co-host Bob Reed before who took his own life and there's
01:12:21
another friend that we worked with Daryl who took his own life as well and it's
01:12:24
like you just think of all the moments that these people have missed since then and how this cloudy period they were
01:12:30
going through would have passed I know yeah it's hard when you run it but but
01:12:35
anyway since then like I've I've made an effort to add more value to your life
01:12:39
where I can that's why if you mentioned you've got you've you've got got a to-do
01:12:44
list and going to Bunnings is on there I'll offer to go there for you or I'll
01:12:47
always ask you if you want a coffee when I come around I'm just trying to add
01:12:51
value to your life every day Don comes around with the dog and coffee and he brings
01:12:55
yeah so sweet yeah and you know it was cool we went on holiday at Christmas to Bali
01:13:00
with your girlfriend Ash and that's the best thing about like we have this relationship which
01:13:06
people don't understand except for the people that know us your girlfriend and
01:13:11
my boyfriend are both totally fine with that and that just goes to show uh how or they obviously understand the
01:13:20
relationship and they're not they're not threatened by it and um it's so good because I love your
01:13:27
girlfriend she's so fun and you know I love the relationship that you have and
01:13:32
I love hanging out with you you guys and it's cool that you accept my boyfriend
01:13:36
too and yeah he's great there's a lot I think about um the type of people have in our life
01:13:44
and the type of people we are yeah and the type of people you attract as well because it's definitely they they have
01:13:49
to put up with a certain amount of scrutiny I guess from their friends and family oh yeah asking questions my
01:13:54
boyfriend doesn't like being in the public eye but after the first year I wouldn't I couldn't put them on
01:13:59
Instagram or anything now he's embracing it where a woman's day next week
01:14:04
he just had to suck it up in the end I said this doesn't make you gonna be with
01:14:09
me you have to deal with this [ __ ] yeah yeah okay um trip to Bali at the start of the year
01:14:13
the um the more I think about that it's I say to people it was a it was a recipe
01:14:19
for disaster like it could have been disastrous like we're in Bali you know there was drinking every other night
01:14:25
like it was yeah it could have been a volatile situation but it wasn't everything was great well I knew it was
01:14:30
going to be everything's great actually um Ash my girlfriend she's been like
01:14:34
pushing for this podcast for ages it's like you and JJ need to do a podcast together she goes she goes [ __ ] all the
01:14:41
runners you have on like people want to hear you and JJ I don't think so has she seen you cry yet
01:14:47
I don't know if she here I don't think so [Laughter] I don't cry very often I think yeah yeah
01:14:56
yeah yeah anyway all right well and ripping are you wrapping it up yeah okay well uh
01:15:05
no no I'm I'm good it's more emotional than what I expected I'm all of you Dom yeah I'll always support
01:15:12
you I like like oh don't you're gonna make me start again no no no um well I I people ask me um often yeah
01:15:22
do you want to do radio again would you do radio again and I say it would have to be like the
01:15:28
right team and I would jump at the chance to work with you again or do some sort of work with you again you're the
01:15:34
easiest person to work with and I'd like to think um I'd be better now than what
01:15:37
I was a bit more perspective take things less seriously are you are you you yeah
01:15:42
you were you are by far um the best person I've worked with yeah well I I look back now and it's
01:15:50
like um when we're working with Mike Perdue like he must have been like just
01:15:56
so awkward sitting there well here we go having arguments like then we'd be in the car on the drive
01:16:05
home and it wasn't even brought up works I was like Dom stop being an [ __ ] I'm not being an [ __ ] this is
01:16:13
a great this is how he's doing I'm right you're wrong yeah yeah I'll just go along with it
01:16:22
yeah he wasn't he wasn't allowed to have a say anyway while he went with you
01:16:27
anyway this has been fabulous today anything you want to end with anything you want to close with anything you want
01:16:32
to bring up look if you don't like running it's because it's probably not in your DNA
01:16:37
okay you can get a DNA test to see if you've got the uh the Sprinter Gene from
01:16:42
ancestry.com or my Heritage look I I just know that um some exercise in your life would be so
01:16:50
good for your mental health yeah and your physical health it'll make you feel
01:16:53
better sometimes stop with the exercise bullying okay okay um no but it's like I'd be lost without
01:17:04
you I I can't have you dying before me I need you here you're still my emergency contact when
01:17:12
things happen like um the printer in the corner of this room if if if that needs
01:17:17
a cartridge replaced who do I call yeah exactly so I need you around for a while yeah it's all right I'll do it
01:17:25
a nice tradies and [Laughter] oh you're the best well I thought you've done an amazing job in your podcast I'm
01:17:34
actually really proud of you I know it's been hard work but I think it's paying
01:17:40
off like people are you know really into it I've been I wonder if anyone would pay a
01:17:46
subscription so you could earn some money though yeah so money would be good yeah
01:17:51
highest subscription your feedback well let's start at the patreon all right hey JJ Feeney thank you so
01:18:04
much for coming over and being a guest on Runners only with dom Harvey your husband legally
01:18:10
should we talk about that divorce at some point [Music]