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hey Runners only with dime Harley Runners only with dom Harvey and Kelsey wear corn g'day Kelsey hello
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good um do I start singing the metro station song it feels like every time do you hear that a lot that must have
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haunted you through your teenage years yeah and he died and while I was in high school incident every time I hear that
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song I think of him which is kind of nice in a way I suppose oh yeah oh what a down bus to start with yeah sorry bro
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yeah yeah um how are you thank you for coming on my podcast really appreciate it it's
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great to meet you in person I feel like I know you uh through following your Instagram channel for the last few years
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yeah um like who are you who are you oh my god I've forgotten who you are and then it's
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like oh yeah follow you on Instagram you're like I don't know you so it is a
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bit weird like yeah people know a lot more about me than I remember I've told
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people yeah so tell us about um Kelsey before December 9 2019. um who was she just from what I can see
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on Instagram um just a girl that loves the outdoors um a farm girl um just a girl that appreciate
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appreciates nature and uh just getting the most out of life yeah yeah mostly just there I um did Marine Science when
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I was at school in uni and so um yeah ended up being a job on a boat because that's what I wanted to do I
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just wanted to be on the sea and uh nailed that got a job on a boat um and worked on those boats for yeah
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five years in one day and it turned out to be one day too long and how was your mental health prior to
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the uh December 9 you get through life pretty good yeah yeah I did have a couple of things
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um happen which yeah I upset the apple cart a couple of times but um nothing quite as Monumental as yeah what
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happened on December night but yeah nothing could be as Monumental as that what were they do you want to get into
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them or not really uh so one of them I was on a boat fire or boat that caught fire
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um and so they actually ended up burning to the water line and sank um there were 60 people on board
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including the crew and I was the second to last off um and then it was April before the
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eruption I had a passenger fall on another Island not white Island and he actually ended
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up dying unfortunately so a passenger had a fall yeah the whale Island right so um
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I hadn't really had anything two major or exciting happen well actually exciting's an interesting word
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um it's a hell of a story for the first time ever on my podcast I even got a box
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of um tissues I thought that'd be that'd be necessary do you maybe for me more
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than you how like how's your emotional state like do you I mean I I really appreciate you coming around here today
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and um like revisiting this because I'm sure every time you do it you have to
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brace yourself because it's not an easy thing to talk about or is it can you sort of just get
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through it on autopilot yeah it's a bit weird like I probably shouldn't be able to talk about
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it because you're usually um like with PTSD people can't really talk about their
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trauma which is totally fair enough um I am lucky that I can talk about it with kind of little to no motion
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um quite a bit of humor oh yeah a lot of dark humor yeah yeah so yeah I do have to kind of keep that quite tame because
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um obviously I'm not the only one involved in this so I would hate to upset anyone or someone take offense to
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something I've said so I do have to kind of sense and my humor online um which is quite funny it's um there's
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a lot of um yeah pretty dark humor in my sort of private chats my friends and family but yeah try to tame it a little
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bit um publicly I suppose yeah well there's a couple of other people I've had on the
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podcast um there's a guy Joseph Sullivan who's um an Olympic gold medalist and
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America's Cup winner now is a firefighter and he said they get by with black humor so on their way home from
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events they'll you know make jokes about it another guy I had in the podcast is um
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yeah Billy Evans who's the former Police Commissioner of Boston he was there when
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the bombing went off and he said often after after like um you know Murder or tragedy
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um you know your cops will be seen like laughing at the scene and members of the
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public will be like you know what the [ __ ] are they laughing about it's inappropriate but he said it's just a
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common coping mechanism yeah yeah the eruption happening but um yeah definitely hospital that got me through
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a lot of um pretty [ __ ] times and um yeah even still still make a lot of jokes about
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just anything anything and everything nothing's um sort of I guess off topic
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and my family especially so yeah it's um yeah quite funny having to sort of sense
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myself out in public because yeah I would hate someone to take offense to it or think that I'm being insensitive but
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then it's kind of like of course you're alive I'm involved in it as well so it's
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not like I'm just like yeah being a dick right I deal with it it's just your life
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through I've cried enough about it gotta get some laughs out of it we we where
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does that come come from I said in your DNA or is it just like how you were raised with your family
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um Pro yeah definitely both um yeah and I like to have a laugh so yeah I think it's just yeah it's been
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ingrained into me from day dot I think so you're still the the you're still the
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same person yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I guess yeah I I was probably more extroverted beforehand and I'm probably
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a bit more introverted now um yeah trauma will do that too I suppose changes you a little bit but um yeah I
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guess still at heart still the same person still fun same thing's funny still get the same joy out of all the
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things they used to love still want to be on the sea still want to be outside all that kind of stuff yeah yeah you got
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such a good attitude is there any there any words that you hate like um being called Brave or courageous or
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inspirational yeah I don't hate them I guess it's just a bit hard like um like a few of my friends who know
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they're like all the nitty-gritties about what happened um there's a couple of them which always
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say like I like use the word hero and then I get people being like you're so
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positive um and you're so yeah inspirational and stuff and it's like I'm just trying to
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[ __ ] survive man like I'm not trying to be any of these things I'm just
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trying to like stay alive and it seems to be quite hard for me so um or not I suppose because yeah I keep
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kind of dodging bullets which left right and Center so yeah there's this running
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joke in my family now where it's like um if the apocalypse happens it's gonna be
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me and the Cockroaches so I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing how long was it after they um after the
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um the explosion on white Island that your family could see you in the hospital and make jokes did they sort of
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wait for you to make the jokes before they started um well for the first um I think it was 10 days I was in ICU
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and for those 10 days they wouldn't tell my family whether they thought I was
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going to survive or not um because obviously you don't want to give false hope in those sorts of
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situations because so much can go wrong with Burns um in those early days and those were
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all sort of um acute moments like yeah they didn't want to give my family false hope
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because it was it was pretty Grim um so for the first 10 days is definitely not a lot of joking um even
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if there was I couldn't tell you what was going on because I was so high on drugs I didn't know what was real and
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what wasn't I was seeing a lot of stuff and I remember a lot of stuff from ICU
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but none of it's real so that's very weird just the morphing yeah just yeah
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hell a lot of ketamine I think a lot of it was so um now even when I have surgeries I'm like don't give me
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ketamine I can't remember Hospital not Festival grade yeah yeah yeah yeah so it
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was like the good stuff I have a really good stuff but yeah I was seeing some wacky [ __ ] and yeah so now every time I
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have a surgery I'm like don't give me a kid I mean unless I need it and they're
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just like okay I want to get into that we'll get into that in due course just because it seems
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astonishing to me that you can be um you know coherent and conscious all the way
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through the 90-minute boat ride and through the explosion see your family recognize your family
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um to then being in a situation for the next couple of weeks where it's touch
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and go so I want to get into that I'm sure you've learned a lot about Burns
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over the last um a few years but um first of all have you seen the Netflix movie
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yeah yep yep I have tell me about that watching experience did you watch it when it first came out
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or did they send you like an advanced copy or they sent me an advanced call the um court cases and stuff like I'm just
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trying to protect my own skin um so I do like to be able to see it ahead of time so that if there's anything in
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there I'm like oh that could be misconstrued or taken the wrong way and um I guess yeah be used against me or
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one of my colleagues I do ask if I can see it so that if there's any changes I
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would like made to clear things up then um yeah I do that so they did that for me which was really cool
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um yeah and so did um oh I can't remember the name of it now the one that I did in the first year uh
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I think it was TV3 right I can't remember now yeah um yeah because I knowing that you were
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coming around today I watched that a couple of nights ago um just me sitting here and I've been to
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wire Island before many many years ago but I've got no other connection to it
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really and it was a hard watch for me so I I can't imagine you know what it's
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like watching it when you're involved with it and this is your reality now yeah yeah who do you who do you sit down
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and watch it with do it the privacy of my own room where no one can watch me so I said you're a
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tough cocky at yeah I sort of imagined I'm just a [ __ ] yeah I'm just a
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stubborn [ __ ] really I think I think you just made from some tough stuff right is it is it a hard watch for you
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um I get I don't know I I don't really remember it now I've only watched it
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once and I kind of keep saying because like people ask like what do you think of the Netflix documentary I'm like oh
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what I can remember it was fine um but I guess the whole way through it I was um more critiquing what was fact and
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what wasn't the whole way through it so it was just like I guess it probably
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wasn't really paying attention to the whole thing it was like yup that facts
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correct that's correct yep that's correct like just kind of fact checking
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the whole way through it um but there is one bit of footage in there which kind of took me by surprise
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and it's um from from my group from one of the girls in my group and um I think
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I might be wrong so hopefully I'm not wrong but um she basically as we went to
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run um for cover she put her phone in her pocket and accidentally hit record and
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so the whole thing is recorded and um they put the first little bit of that in there and I've been like specifically
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told by the police don't watch that piece of footage because it's pretty
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horrible like you can't see anything but you can hear everything which obviously
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is not great um and I get triggered really bad with noises and audio and so that came up and
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I instantly knew what it was and I was just like oh my God oh my God and I just decide do I shut the computer do I block
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my ears and so I kind of didn't Focus for probably the next couple of minutes
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and thankfully I didn't put all the really nasty stuff in which is really really good
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um what's what I'll I mean you may not even know what the real nasty stuff is
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like screaming yeah yeah yeah yeah so the whole the whole I think there's about 20 minutes of footage of the whole
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thing and you can just hear everything and me yelling um but yeah so yeah you you say yelling
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at your group but you um you still had your work hat on yeah so you were working which is which is [ __ ]
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astonishing to me because I suppose there's two types of people and you don't know if you're going to be a fight
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or flight person until you're in that situation but the fact that you were like
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um worrying about your group and not thinking about self-preservation [ __ ] I mean does it does that make you proud of
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yourself makes me proud of you I don't know like it's incredible it's
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incredible yeah I guess you're in the same position as all these other people
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that you don't know from a Barra so yeah yeah I um I have a friend who um like what I did and um she keeps yeah
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like I said saying saying the H word hero and stuff and it's just like I don't know it just it feels weird it's
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just I don't know I I did what I thought anyone else would do and just reacted to the situation as fast as
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I could and I don't know it yeah it is what it is for me and it's not something that I
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brag about or talk about or even think about yeah yeah it's just it just is what it is and I kind of just yeah I
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don't know I don't I don't know it just feels weird to talk about and it just feels weird for people
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to be like why don't you tell people this and it's just like why would I why
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would I walk around being like hey look this is what I did and it's just like it's just weird I was like I
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don't know I just feel like I'm turning my own horn and it's just that's wrong
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and yeah and I mean like so many people did so much that day like people did way
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more than what I did um and yeah I mean the pilots that went in there when everyone was saying it's
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too dangerous and they were just like and just went on the island um like I mean they're my heroes like
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they didn't bring me home but [ __ ] I'm so grateful for them um yeah and like obviously the Skippers
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of my um company who came back for us um yeah they are the ones that I would yeah hold up a flag for them any day
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yeah well I think yeah I think it's heroic so you you your Instagram it's it's
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amazing because you're quite a regular um poster on Instagram why am I I think
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so yeah um and you scroll back and it's um I I feel like it gives an interesting
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insight into um you know the person you are the person you were and the person you are
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now and there's not a lot of difference between the two there's still that black
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humor there um you still seem to love the outdoors love the fresh air love animals yeah
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um but if you go back to October 2019 um on your Instagram there's a photo of
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white island with steam coming out and the caption not bad good stories yeah well it's it's great yeah that's
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great so um and then there's an appreciation Post in late November 2019 for your dog you
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say so much love for this little punk yeah and then um in this sort of radio silence on Instagram until
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um late January 2020 from hospital it's just a random photo of a landscape um
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with a caption thanking people can I can I read some of this out okay yeah is this way bullet issues
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again I think the tissues are for me rather than you um thank you doesn't seem like a big
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enough word to my family and partner have been by my side from day one through the low lows to the baby's first
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step highs you've been through hell with me and I'm lost for words into how to
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thank you all I just keep pushing forward and hope that I will do uh do that for you now can't wait to be home
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yeah which again I think it says a lot about you it's not a post saying hey guys I'm here I'm fine it's you again
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thinking about other people yeah I know I don't know if like I was in a situation I was in hospital when was
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that January something yeah that was um late January yeah so like a month a month and a bit afterwards yeah so six
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weeks ago end of January I would have been close to moving up to waikato hospital because that's my regional
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Burns unit um from hat hospital where I was originally taken um I was just grateful to everyone who'd
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looked after me like my family were like holding the gas when um my when I write to have like my
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sheets changed all dressings changed um in my bed and it was just like I think that scarred them for life like they
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were having to hold this gas and I was on like eight different types of pain medication just to change the sheets on
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my bed because I was just in so much pain why is that because you your skin sticks to the sheets and they have to
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sort of Peel you off or what do you mean so um I was lucky that half of my of my
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grafting was done while I was in ICU and in the coma so my arms and hands were done early on so the pain I was in ICU I
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kind of I remember being really uncomfortable and not being able to move but I don't really remember it but I
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remember my legs being done because my legs were done at the end of December and I was on the ward
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um they'd reduced my medication um which is hotly debated and my family is with it it was the right thing to do
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um and then um yeah so that was done on quite low medication and so when I came out of
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surgery for the grafting um I was an absolute agony like they'd just put taking scan off my back my butt
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and my thighs and just stuck it to my legs and I think they already did my legs in and
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just touched up a few things on my hands and stuff like that um and like they staple it on it's not
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it's not like always glue or stitches it's Staples and so like I could see
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Staples sticking out the top of my like bandages and I had them like around my shoulder where I could see them it was
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just like the weirdest thing and I just felt like Frankenstein's monster um but like so where they took all the
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skin from so my entire backside was just a raw open wound and so it was like yeah
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just being this massive gray is just and covering my entire back and so every time like
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um I would need to go to the bathroom or um yeah need my sheets changed but I wasn't due to go to theater they would
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have to roll me in bed to basically roll the sheets up on one side roll me over the lump of sheets and then roll the
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rest up and pull it out and then do it all again to unroll Fresh sheets so um if you can imagine that on entirely open
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wounds and then let's say when people were trying to grab you and it's like
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they can't grab your arms because they've just been grafted two weeks ago
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can't grade beliefs because they were grafted a week ago can't touch your
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entire backside because that's all open wound it's like so really they've got
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like not much to hold on to so it was kind of just like we're going to grab all your sore bits and you're just gonna
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have to like it and lump it basically it was just like we've got to get this done
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and it was just like all right and that was horrific every time and yeah my family would hold the gas in my mouth
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while I'd roll me and I'd just be like staring at them just like make the stop
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so just like pleading with them and just screaming at them and so like nurses were leaving crying and it was just it
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was traumatic for everyone so I was just so grateful that my family was there every single day every single day from
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like before opening like before they would let visitors and they were like banging on the door to come in
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um until like 11 o'clock at night and they would basically just sleep on the
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floor of my room and just like in this hideous armchair and they were just there all the time so I was just so
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grateful for them and then obviously the nurses had just yeah gone above and beyond to yeah save our lives and keep
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us as comfortable as possible and yeah they're just yeah I open my lifestyle's
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just really grateful yeah oh that's really nice and then um so so we'll go right back what are your
00:20:33
what are your memories of that day it was a [ __ ] day on the Water right was it was it a real bumpy day no I
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don't know I'm on the Netflix movie they talk about everyone being seasick yeah
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like have you just got a strong I I don't remember the last time it was seasick
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um I've been out in some pretty big City so it's a rough day for the tourists but
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it was winter okay but yeah I mean it probably looked worse than what it was but the boat we had
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um it was a brand new boat um it had only been in operation since April that boat was Notorious for making
00:21:07
people sick like it made crew sick there was a couple of days I remember where I
00:21:12
was the only crew member working and everyone else was vomiting and it was like me versus 30 people vomiting and it
00:21:17
was like this is the best oh my God so um yeah it was it wasn't a rough rough
00:21:23
day it was just yeah it was bumpy but it just seemed to set people off and and this you were experienced like you must
00:21:30
have loved this job because you had it for like five years you said um so there's no way
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like there's there's no sort of inkling or anything that anything was wrong or
00:21:39
untowards or out of the ordinary no I was a little too but it had been a level two before and
00:21:45
nothing had ever happened and well that that um that scale thing seems really weirdo so level one sweet as level two
00:21:53
should it should be right level three no good is that pretty much it it's a three-point scale it's
00:22:05
it's don't need to check that now um so level one was minor volcanic unrest level two
00:22:12
I'm really wrecking my brain now um level two was moderate to heightened unrest which is where it was
00:22:20
um and then level three four and five at different levels of eruption and so level three
00:22:25
is basically the material thrown out in the eruption stays sort of within the inner crater level four is sort of on
00:22:33
white Island in kind of around the round Island itself five is leaving the island
00:22:39
basically so hitting the C and going wherever it wants um I actually don't know what level that
00:22:47
was because technically I think most of it stayed in the Anna crater which indicates to me
00:22:52
that there was a level three so like the smallest level of eruption um yeah right so so the issue was like
00:23:00
where you guys were at the time of the eruption which is in the creation right yeah yeah yeah so it was a wind wind I
00:23:06
mean do you has your brain sort of blocked it out or do you remember no no so when did you realize oh [ __ ] this is
00:23:12
this is not good immediately yeah really yeah yes so there's not no warning at
00:23:16
all nothing there was no noise [Music] I don't know there's all sorts of
00:23:23
volcanic movies but I haven't seen any of them um then why would you now yeah I mean I
00:23:28
probably don't need to see that now um I yeah I mean you think of a volcanic
00:23:33
eruption you think like Sonic Boom material I suppose and like it just like shakes you to the bar and it's like
00:23:39
if we hadn't turned around we probably never would have saw it coming so we were just lucky that some of the
00:23:44
passengers um and I think my backup guide they um happened to turn around and were just
00:23:51
all go wow look at that taking photos and then when I turned around it was like that's not normal
00:23:58
you just so they were they were in Aura of it um well I mean you don't know it's not
00:24:04
normal yeah because I mean they've never been there before they might have just
00:24:07
thought well this is part of the show like yeah we wouldn't be here if this was unsafe exactly and like and yeah so
00:24:13
I mean yeah it's hard it's because like I understand the yeah I don't know it's just it's [ __ ]
00:24:21
being a Survivor and a crew member because I obviously have all the knowledge of the crew member but on the
00:24:28
other hand it's like I was also there when it erupted so it's like I never
00:24:32
want that to happen to anyone ever again um is that like a like Survivor guilt in
00:24:37
a way do you think not Survivor girl it's just a shitty position to be in because
00:24:41
um like I I I knew obviously what could happen I talked about it every day for five years I talked about eruptions and
00:24:51
like we probably make what we did we made jokes like what happens if it erupts it's like well
00:24:57
you just cross your fingers and hope like how it's not pyroclastic flow and what do we have and I was like as soon
00:25:04
as I saw that it was just like well that's our Goose coax for lack of a bit of what word it was just like well
00:25:10
that's just White Flag moment it was like I know the odds of surviving that so it was like what do you do what do
00:25:16
you do when you're looking at the thing that's going to kill you statistically
00:25:22
and and then how quickly does everything happen it does do things just go dark immediately or um it was so it's really
00:25:29
weird I in my head the whole thing the whole I guess in our Island Experience um it took about 10 minutes in my head
00:25:40
it was less than two so it was very very quick which is good in a way because obviously
00:25:47
that's two minutes and then it was done but um yeah it's yeah it was just it was the
00:25:55
slowest two minutes of my life I can only imagine and yeah and you you're conscious the whole time yeah yeah I was
00:26:02
but you're in you're in excruciating pain or you're your body flips into some
00:26:06
sort of adrenaline mode or what oh there's only so much adrenal I can do when it's when it's most to your body
00:26:13
um yeah there's only so much adrenaline can do so um and um yeah I remember I remember the
00:26:20
feeling of my arms I don't remember my legs and so I remember when I woke up in
00:26:24
hospital and was lucid um I was surprised that my legs were burnt and that they've been grafted and
00:26:31
then I was surprised again that the fact that they look like salami but um yeah it was a weird moment but um yeah what
00:26:40
were you wearing so you had your blue and white stripe just tissue work t-shirt t-shirt and shorts yeah and then
00:26:46
I was wearing um hiking boots yeah so um um anything that was exposed so my um her t-shirt line to fingertips
00:26:56
um short lined boot line and then my lower back got burnt because when I crashed down
00:27:02
um my bag made my shirt right up and exposed my light back so it was basically any skin that was exposed
00:27:10
um got burnt because it was all chemical burns so so when it's going on like what what
00:27:16
are you doing are you like writhing around in pain are you are you sort of killed over in the fetal position yeah
00:27:22
I'd Crouch down I I knew what was going to happen which didn't happen which is good
00:27:36
um what did you think was gonna happen that we weren't going to make it at the
00:27:39
other side okay yeah um but yes I remember it all but um yeah unless you've had Burns there's no point
00:27:46
trying to describe it because I'll never do it justice well all I can all I can think of is um
00:27:52
like having a steam burn on on the inside of my hand from a pot like a tiny little thing like the size of a 50 cent
00:27:57
coin yeah and the Pain's [ __ ] excruciating yeah and there's nothing you can do to escape it and you put
00:28:02
several on you put frozen peas on it you run under a tap or whatever nothing nothing works and it's a tiny tiny tiny
00:28:09
fraction of the body yeah I'm guessing it's like that even worse but just
00:28:13
everywhere yeah yeah so yeah I I had 45 of my body burnt um yeah so pretty much almost all my legs
00:28:22
almost and pretty much all my arms and then yeah a little bit of my lower back which wrapped around to my stomach as
00:28:27
well and then I had some um what's the word I'm thinking of cosmetic burns on my face and neck as well which
00:28:36
um aren't as obvious and didn't get grafted so I was lucky there that I managed to
00:28:40
protect my face not that that's what I was trying to do but I just got lucky
00:28:45
and um because yeah I just figured if I had any chance of getting off the island
00:28:49
it was I needed to be able to see and I need to be able to breathe so it was I had my sunglasses on and my gas mask on
00:28:54
which is actually burnt into my face um and I just held them to my face and so managed to yeah save the skin on my
00:29:01
face that way not that that was my aim but yeah so the so the eruption passes in a
00:29:08
couple of minutes then it becomes clear again yeah this is our opening because it was
00:29:18
kind of like well if it's going to go again um yeah we just have to run that rest
00:29:23
because either that will stay here yeah so how how many were in your group so there were 22 that died all together
00:29:30
21. I think I was 21. and your group yeah including me and my backup guide yeah and how many of you guys made it out
00:29:41
uh oh God I'm not good at math yeah I should work this work this out because I keep getting
00:29:48
after and I never know but um I think most I think most of my group survived other
00:29:54
than a few but um so just by sheer luck of where you were yeah um place with more protection
00:30:10
um yeah we saw earlier I think as well so so at that point so the um you're in agony the
00:30:20
explosions come and gone you're like okay okay team we've got to get the [ __ ]
00:30:23
out of here are you are you still in in work mode at that point or are you more sort of self-preservation mode at that
00:30:30
point um like come on guys the boat's down there I'll see you down there
00:30:42
it's probably five seconds um because yoga tell us that was I was running so fast trying to get things
00:30:49
trying to figure out what was going on that um yeah my just so much was crammed into such a small amount of time that
00:30:56
time feels longer for me yeah um but yeah I convinced my group that they had to get up and then
00:31:05
um yeah I just said follow me and just basically walked back to the Wharf um and one of our other boats came back
00:31:13
for us because the boat which is lucky because the boat that we came out and got hit so that was full of Ash so they
00:31:20
couldn't turn that on because if they turned it on it would just suck all the
00:31:23
air straight into the engine and yeah seized it so um yeah we got back on the other boat
00:31:28
and went home on that it's remarkable right how are you um I mean I'm sure it's only going to be a
00:31:38
matter of time but I mean you deserve some sort of Bravery award well you really do like you you laugh at
00:31:45
it and you'd never say it but you do I mean like I don't know I think I think you're like you're
00:31:52
downplaying the way that you acted in this situation and um I'm telling you not everyone would act the same way
00:32:00
I mean yeah I guess you don't know what you're gonna we have no idea actually because when
00:32:10
it's when you're at it you kind of yeah you just act you don't really think
00:32:15
you just act and it's basically right what's my best option here and you just
00:32:20
do that and you just hope for the best yeah so um what's that what what's the pain like
00:32:27
at that point when you when you how far how's the how far is the walk back to
00:32:30
the back to where you had to get on the boat like a few hundred meters yeah maybe
00:32:35
150 200 years right wasn't that far we were on our way back so we were halfway
00:32:40
back um maybe just so halfway so and it was more or less flat yeah anyway we went
00:32:48
past the helicopter that made all the headlines the one that the only helicopter they ever be left on my
00:32:53
Island so that's the one that was sort of shaken off the platform and it was
00:32:57
covered in there so it was pushed off the platform um I don't know what tonnage that is I
00:33:02
don't think it's a very heavy one but um I mean a ton is heavy so um it got
00:33:08
shoved off so that's a pretty good indication as to how um heavy and how much power that
00:33:14
pyroclastic flow had so um yeah we walked past that and um yeah down to the wharf and so everyone gets back on the
00:33:22
boat and that's a boat ride that you've done you know just about every day for
00:33:25
the last five years so you know it's a [ __ ] long way yeah um like how what is it like 90 minutes
00:33:32
or something 15 hour 20 depending on how full it was um obviously it now has two boatloads
00:33:49
with people on it or one and a half so um yeah it was pretty pretty heavy so it was yeah run and running hot on the way
00:33:58
home but you know the captain's going to be giving it death but you'll say no
00:34:01
it's a it's a [ __ ] long way back and it's a long time yeah I think we did it
00:34:04
in just over an hour I think he managed to get us home in just over an hour which is amazing because like you could
00:34:11
hear the boat at its absolute Peak and I remember even thinking it was like come
00:34:15
on Phoenix come on pay next keep it together and apparently the captain was doing the same thing so that was um yeah
00:34:21
but yeah I managed to make it back with no issues thankfully so what no issues yes so yeah so what were you doing in
00:34:28
that boat ride you just like just lying there in your own [ __ ] pain is that it wasn't I don't remember um
00:34:36
around me because I was like yeah I was just I was sitting at the back and maybe about halfway back I just remember
00:34:47
being so cold I was so so cold I don't know if that was shock or the fact that
00:34:53
I was wet and then the wind could have been both um and I said to the people that were
00:34:58
putting water on me and helping me I just said I need to get inside and they're like you can't walk on the boat
00:35:03
while it's going this fast and I just said [ __ ] watch me and I got up and I
00:35:09
couldn't Australian my legs and I couldn't straight in my arm so I was like it's like a little bunched over
00:35:13
T-Rex and the boat's poofing at home and so I managed to make it in I think I
00:35:18
bounced off a few things and um you managed to make it inside and sit down it was like listen out of the wind but
00:35:24
um yeah there was probably a hard few steps for me and the poor people that I was talking to
00:35:30
so so the the pain you're in then I I feel like if it was me I'd pass out
00:35:36
or something from the from the pain or discomfort I was him yeah like how do you how do you remain
00:35:41
conscious through that it just did I don't think I have much of a choice um I
00:35:51
conscious the whole way home um yeah so I never never passed out and and you think at that
00:36:00
point you're gonna do do you feel like this is the this is it you're gonna die
00:36:04
or you never thought no I didn't I I had that on the island when I saw the pyroclastic flow but I think the fact
00:36:11
that we'd made it out the other side I was like it's good I'd never crossed my
00:36:15
mind again it never crossed my mind that because even though we're off the island we
00:36:20
still weren't out of the woods so um like and even still I didn't really find
00:36:25
out about what had ended up happening like the loss of life and what had happened when we left the island
00:36:33
um I never found out about any of that until about three weeks later yeah um and then it was like
00:36:38
because I was like well I'm alive so everyone's alive because it was like
00:36:41
that makes sense that made sense in my little brain yeah for sure yeah because it was like well if we weren't supposed
00:36:47
to make it but we did I made it so everyone's made it that's just I don't
00:36:51
know why that logic made sense to me but it did um so that was pretty brutal having that
00:36:57
rug ripped out from underneath me that yeah they're they're not everyone made it
00:37:02
which yeah it was horrible but um so you're on the boat inspecting yourself you realize it's not good
00:37:08
yeah I I or to look not so bad at the time and got worse um even on the island it didn't look
00:37:15
good like and so that was what seconds after the actual burning and it was just kind of like
00:37:21
um I heard one of the girls describe it it's basically like the skin was just
00:37:25
melting almost like candle wax and I was like yeah that's actually a pretty apps
00:37:28
description um and even the photos I've now got from hospital um I think I had been debrided but you
00:37:36
can see where all the skin was just like coming off and it was just here basically melting off
00:37:42
so it was pretty yeah it was it was weird I just remember I remember my hands the most on the way home I
00:37:48
remember staring at my hands being like what is happening this is weird and I like never really occurring to me that
00:37:54
it was burns never really occurring to me that it was going to require grafting I probably never heard of grafting now
00:38:00
that I actually think about it um yeah it none of that none of that was going on in my head at that point it was
00:38:07
just like this is weird what is going on it was just like tunnel vision of just a
00:38:12
State of Shock eh extreme shot kind of like coherent normal thoughts it was kind of just like what is going on just
00:38:19
the big kind of what the [ __ ] yeah yeah on the other hand there were those uh coherent and normal thoughts like you
00:38:26
being um putting on your work hat when the explosion was going on and also when you
00:38:31
got back to um the mainland um this was in the Netflix documentary like you spot your your mum yeah my mum
00:38:38
my nana my yeah my mom my nana and my sister and I was like looking at my hands looking at
00:38:49
them I was like I don't want them to see me like this because I was all melty and
00:38:53
gross so I was just like melting and gross society and I was in so much pain so I was just like I don't no one wants
00:39:00
their family to see them in that position so how far away were they now what are you talking about 20
00:39:07
minutes 30 minutes yeah 20 meters like so they um if you ever come to whakatani wharf I can show you
00:39:17
pull down to where the way station is so as we're kind of coming in quite fast
00:39:22
um I spotted them as we went past and it was just like oh well I guess I'll spoke
00:39:26
quick and get out of um yeah out of where they can see me um unbeknownst to me um a couple of the cops actually knew me
00:39:35
from school in Union through my sister who's friends with them and they saw me
00:39:41
go into this ambulance and they went and told them they're like she's in an
00:39:44
ambulance on the way to hospital and they're like what so um yeah they're all moved pretty quickly
00:39:49
and then from there it's pretty hazy because as soon as we got there they were loading us up on
00:39:55
basically anything they could to try and help with the pain yeah so I I can understand you not wanting to
00:40:04
and I I get you in thinking coherently at the time but I can understand you don't want your parents um your family
00:40:10
to see you in this um in the state but then like giving them the thumbs up or a wave would indicate that you're okay
00:40:15
which would have been would be nice for them but I was just like there was no doing thumbs up that
00:40:21
day not that afternoon and it was not a thumbs up moment so it was just like it would have been like no okay
00:40:28
um no it was just like Nat get out of here just go and say yeah to I went off the
00:40:33
front of the boat which meant going up and over the rail and up onto the wharf so
00:40:38
um my friend's dad had got on the boat and um I was like get me off this boat
00:40:42
and I just like took off and they were like um okay and so they ended up just here shoving me off the boat and so
00:40:49
um yeah then got me in an ambulance but again still thinking about still thinking about the concerns of others
00:40:54
yeah yeah which is really really I mean yeah you know you need to give yourself more credit than what you do for these
00:41:01
things I am just stubborn yeah good stubborn then good stubborn so I know some stubborn people who are
00:41:08
complete pains in the ass but it's a very unselfish um stubbornness so this is the thing that I don't understand and
00:41:15
maybe you don't understand it or maybe you do have more understanding now about
00:41:19
Burns and how they work but I don't understand how this can happen to you you're on a boat for an hour you walk
00:41:25
off the boat you get taken to hospital and then for the next couple of weeks there's there's a chance you might live
00:41:29
or die your life is in the balance you think if you can survive the explosion and you're on the boat for that long
00:41:34
that you're going to be sweet as yeah um yeah and so that was kind of my thought as well and there's yeah as soon
00:41:41
as the pyroclastic flow was gone I was like I'm alive let's go so um it never
00:41:45
really crossed my head again that yeah that it could still get worse it never that never crossed my my brain it
00:41:56
was just like well we're out of here so that's that's uh we're good
00:42:01
um but with Burns um because of because I mean Skin's your biggest organ skin is well and truly your biggest
00:42:11
organ and so it is like it thermoregulates it like keeps your body the right temperature
00:42:17
um it stops infection in bugs and all the [ __ ] getting into your body um it does all the things like it sweats
00:42:23
and like yeah so it does all that um and so when like for me 45 of that is now damaged
00:42:32
and to the point where it's not just my skin that was damaged it was even below
00:42:36
there so into the muscle like fascia's gone like there's bits of muscle being
00:42:41
removed like things like that so it means um that Skin's gone um so infection can get in all of a sudden
00:42:50
45 of my body doesn't regulate temperature anymore so I was always really really hot like I just remember
00:42:55
at hospital I was so hot all the time theaters were kept at about 39 degrees to keep you warm because
00:43:04
um you can't regulate your temperature so the wheel went to theater I was like
00:43:07
what the [ __ ] why am I in a sauna this is like torture like I suppose because you're burning up like if you anyone
00:43:14
that's had sunstroke will know yeah but the last thing you want to do the next
00:43:17
day is be in direct sunlight because yeah yeah and like um once obviously organ has been removed you're just
00:43:26
literally like it's just down to the muscle like all your muscles exposed so
00:43:31
then obviously the risk of infection is massive and then you have the donor site
00:43:35
which they then remove as well so that's my entire back so now you're thinking
00:43:39
legs are open arms are open back is open so that's like over well and truly over
00:43:45
50 of my body is currently not functioning my biggest organ is currently not functioning and then I did
00:43:51
get infections I got um a couple of infections um one of them I got in my donor site and
00:43:57
um they had to graft my legs because the cadaver skin I had on my legs only lasts
00:44:02
about 14 days so they had to take that off which means they had to graph me or get more cadaver skin and that skin from
00:44:09
like a a recently deceased person or so organ donors you have to specify that you you want to skin donated as well
00:44:16
which definitely do that because obviously that's massive people don't think about this kind of [ __ ] no not an
00:44:23
organ donor and you think organ donor it's all effects kidney heart lies whatever
00:44:30
um it actually doesn't include skin so you actually have to make a specific point like
00:44:35
include my skin my skin is an organ take my skin because I mean you don't need it
00:44:38
when you did but like don't be selfish don't take it don't take it with you leave it behind
00:44:45
yeah what's it going to do in there your second life reduce reuse recycle come on
00:44:50
um wow and so like I got I got a couple of infections um to the point where I know that one of the antibiotics I was
00:44:57
on they were drip feeding it to me and it was like I don't know it was like so
00:45:02
toxic that basically it was getting like a little drop every like 15 minutes or half an hour otherwise if they gave it
00:45:07
to me all at once it would kill me and it was like red I want that on my body so
00:45:12
um like the massive risk of infection um and then obviously thermoregulation I could overheat or I could totally cool
00:45:19
down and just dropped it so like there's so many things that can go wrong with
00:45:24
Burns okay and um ICU those first 10 days it wasn't until they kind of got that 10 day back and they managed to sit
00:45:32
me up on the side of the bed which was horrible um and was that why just the pain of
00:45:37
sitting up oh when you've been lying down for 10 days and you've not really
00:45:40
moved yourself in 10 days it's like I've had like you lose so much muscle mass so fast if you're
00:45:47
not moving if you're not using it you literally lose it so um 10 days of not
00:45:52
moving and not using my muscles like I was being moved in theater I had a physio who would come into theater and
00:45:58
while I was knocked out would be in there like stretching everything and bending everything
00:46:02
and then yeah so basically then they sent me up before I left was allowed to leave ICU it was horrible I still
00:46:09
remember it now and I was still like seeing double and didn't know where I was and it was just like this woman who
00:46:16
just kidnapped me she had actually she was a nurse um which I remember sit up on the side
00:46:20
of the bed and it was a slight insulted injury it's like you've just kidnapped
00:46:23
me if you sit up it was just like this is not fair um yeah and then it was just like gone up
00:46:29
on the ward and then um yeah still had issues with um infection and then there was a day where
00:46:41
a day it was not long after my legs got done where the graphs didn't look like
00:46:45
they were actually going to take and I was in so much pain I don't actually remember anyone telling me that that's
00:46:50
what the surgeon has said after that dressing change um they'd basically just everyone looked
00:46:54
pretty depressed and it was like we're gonna have to do this again so it meant waiting for my back and
00:47:02
everything to heal enough to take it again for the third time and I was at Aggie I thought I'm not doing this again
00:47:08
it was like but you need skin so it's like you need to do it again but thankfully they did take so I didn't
00:47:12
have to do that again so there's the um cadaver skin cadaver cadaver cadaver's
00:47:18
gonna make you talk about and also the um skin graft from your own body where did they take that from your bag
00:47:23
uh yeah so it I was lucky they lucky um they took it from my back my butt and my thighs so if I was wearing shorts it
00:47:30
just looks like I've been attacked with a cheese slice basically one of those
00:47:33
ones where you can get the slices still now yeah yeah you can still see the scars my back's red well it's not red
00:47:40
now it's kind of paint but it's definitely a different color to the rest
00:47:43
of my normal skin wow so how many how many surgeries all up 17. I think it's 17. wow
00:47:57
um which I think yeah it's it's number 17 or 18 this year so I'm waiting on one
00:48:02
more um for yeah this year which will be year number 17 or 18. I think all right yeah
00:48:09
so then um so it's like two weeks after the eruption where you sort of come out of
00:48:14
the coma or regains the Consciousness so I was in the comment for five days in ICU for ten right yeah
00:48:22
so half of my time in ICU was conscious and the other half not so much so what are your earliest sort of coherent
00:48:30
memories of sort of coming out of the Mist I guess I remember coming out of the coma
00:48:35
um and it's from what my parents have told me because they were there in the morning
00:48:41
they were like we're gonna wake her up today anyway I was like yes yeah we can
00:48:44
talk to Kelsey um and the doctor came in I don't know how they do it so I'm probably gonna get
00:48:50
this a bit wrong but basically adjusted the meds or whatever to wake me up and he was like it should take about 20
00:48:55
minutes I'll come back in about 20 minutes and um we can go from there left to go see the other patients
00:49:03
because obviously I'm not the only one in the hospital um literally as soon as he left I woke
00:49:09
up and everyone was like give the doctor because I'm gagging because I've got
00:49:13
tubes down my throat and I can't move and so I'm getting really stressed
00:49:17
because it's like it felt like being just like pinned to the bed and something's in my throat and it was like
00:49:23
I can't breathe it was like my eyes were like this and so I couldn't see
00:49:27
um I didn't know what was going on I could hear my dad's voice I remember my
00:49:31
dad's voice my mum was there as well but um it got I got so stressed mum actually
00:49:37
had to leave because she just couldn't handle it which is fair um it's so distressing I mean yeah your
00:49:43
daughter's in this um discomfort and there's nothing you can do exactly and
00:49:46
they can't find the doctor doctors somehow vanish off the face of the planet dad's trying to calm media I
00:49:52
remember him talking to me um and he's trying to tell me to calm down and just breathe slowly like you're
00:49:57
fine and I'm going there's something in my throat and it was just like this is
00:50:01
not mine and so um yeah I remember that very very clearly I couldn't see anything because it was just like my
00:50:08
eyes either had something in them or just because I've been in the coma I was
00:50:12
on so much drugs they just yeah we're in different directions and there was those
00:50:16
orange Haze I remember this orange Haze and thinking I was in a tent and I remember thinking that's not very
00:50:21
hygienic from the last time I saw my body I was like this is a very hygienic this is not a good place to be and now
00:50:27
I'm like choking so I was like this is great this is a good way but I didn't
00:50:31
realize I've been in a coma either I just thought I had a long nap and then all of a sudden it was my up to all this
00:50:36
random [ __ ] and it was like what is happening yeah I suppose you lose complete um a sense or perspective of
00:50:42
time yeah because it's not it's not you go to sleep and you you wake up it's like whether it's been five
00:50:48
minutes or five days kind of doesn't register at that point um yeah and So eventually the doctor
00:50:53
came back because they have to make sure that you are properly waking up and properly going to
00:50:59
wake up because otherwise they have to reintubate you while you're awake which
00:51:03
as you can imagine probably not very comfortable so they did the doctor that's why he the tubes weren't allowed
00:51:10
to be just pulled out it was like I had to be totally awake before they were going to pull those out so they didn't
00:51:15
have to put them back in and put me back under yeah so so those those early conversations to remember much about
00:51:20
them like what are you did you have a million questions or you just sort of numb I remembered it at all the doctors
00:51:26
probably won't remember um it's going to be about like 50 First Dates which is why they didn't tell me
00:51:32
the extent of what had happened for three weeks because they would probably have to tell me every day and I mean mum
00:51:38
and dad were still getting to grips with what had happened and people were still
00:51:42
dying in other hospitals um all that [ __ ] was still happening back home with trying to get the other
00:51:47
people off the island and all the other stuff so yeah um they were like we're not doing that
00:51:52
for us and for her that's just not right so um they yeah didn't tell me which was
00:51:57
the right thing to do it definitely was um I just did what I mean didn't tell
00:52:00
you didn't tell you what had happened or the extent of what was going on yeah
00:52:04
cocooned yeah so and like I would ask questions I'd be like where's has Hayden
00:52:09
was Hayden and that just somehow change the subject and I remember a couple of times thinking that's weird
00:52:17
and then just continuing on because I was just so full of drugs it was just kind of like I had a brain like myself
00:52:21
so I was just like okay it's weird and just carried on answering questions so
00:52:25
it was a bit weird but yeah I remembered everything and the docs were quite surprised by that so
00:52:30
um yeah but I'm quite glad that I do remember what I remember because there's
00:52:34
no kind of question as to what happened for me and I mean um yeah I'm glad I
00:52:38
remember which is morbid and weird but yeah it just means there's no question
00:52:44
for me as to what happened and I'm not relying on everyone else to fill in those gaps and that kind of stuff yeah
00:52:49
100 so um Hayden who you just mentioned he's um uh he's one of your co-workers
00:52:58
um like your boss boss or up here um he was my boss he's one of my bosses massive massive massive massive lamb
00:53:05
chops sideburns yeah the most horrifices yeah all the way like all the way down to the mustache line oh and in November
00:53:14
he grown up into handlebar station it would be like a mustache Lamb Chop hybrid and it was horrible yeah every
00:53:21
November what are your what are your memories of Hayden oh so many um yeah he trained me when I first started there
00:53:27
and so um and he was just like we ended up calling him Funko because he was like
00:53:33
our fine Uncle he was just oh he's so fun like he'd like take us out to like
00:53:37
tell her where to Falls after work and like we're just going to do all the real
00:53:40
fun stuff in the area and um yeah like his tours were just a hope and he just gave everything 110 so it
00:53:48
was just yeah he was so much fun it was great um and then he became one of our bosses
00:53:54
instead of one of our peers and so that was a bit of an adjustment um and he took his job very seriously
00:53:59
which was really really cool like hindsight I wish I'd actually stopped being such a little Pratt and um
00:54:05
actually just listened rather than fighting him all the time um so it was a bit of like brother
00:54:10
sister relationship where um yeah I was always right he was always right so it was just like we'd always
00:54:16
just Claire would Clash over dumb [ __ ] like that um and then he became a skipper which
00:54:21
was really cool so he was driving the boats um and yeah so it was really cool to go
00:54:27
watch him like go up through the ranks I suppose to skip her and he was just so proud of that achievement as well which
00:54:33
was really cool yeah and that was the um so just following your Instagram Journey
00:54:38
um it was that first appreciation post you did where you thanked everyone for their support and you think they give a
00:54:43
little people um 120 000 by the way and then the next post was an appreciation post to um
00:54:49
Hayden I suppose when the reality um sunken that your mate didn't make it yeah it was
00:55:04
home I think I was still in hearts that must have been um end of January sometime because I
00:55:09
don't think I've been moved um but yeah I'd known for maybe a month by
00:55:15
that point um yeah and it just it was yeah pretty horrible and then like I hadn't seen the
00:55:23
news or watched the news um since it had all happened did you want to or no no I'd been hearing some
00:55:30
pretty horrible stories about what people were saying and what am I well you don't want to go there
00:55:37
I probably shouldn't go there because I'll get really worked up and then I'll
00:55:39
probably get in trouble but um no no no yeah I'm just curious from from my perspective because all I remember
00:55:46
from that time is just this this horrible um human tragedy which was just one of
00:55:50
the one of the most devastating days in New Zealand history and I I certainly didn't come across anyone saying
00:55:55
anything horrible about it oh I'd heard also I don't know if there's anything
00:56:01
malicious behind it but um I there was a lot of things that were said that weren't right and there are a lot of
00:56:07
things that were made up because they didn't have the answers because obviously everyone at the time was busy
00:56:12
trying to get people off the island and trying to figure out who was where and what was happening
00:56:17
um so my colleagues now obviously weren't talking to the press and um I don't think natia was talking to
00:56:25
the Press no I was talking to the Press because it was like let's just deal with
00:56:27
what's happened rather than tell you what's happened you're actually not part
00:56:30
of this so people were filling in blanks um there's I've got a whole bunch of
00:56:36
news stories about um all these things that people have said um like one of them for instance was
00:56:44
that instead of looking after my group I called my mom on the island which is quite a feature in itself
00:56:50
because if you know why I learned there's no coverage um I also didn't have a phone so that
00:56:55
was pretty clever um and also there was no time so it was like where did you get that information
00:57:01
that's an absolute kick in the guts and it may and it made me look like I I don't know if people took it seriously
00:57:07
or not but it made me feel like I hadn't done my job and it was like I knew that
00:57:12
it wasn't real so I knew they were just full of [ __ ] but it was like I didn't do that and people now think I
00:57:18
did this it was just like oh my God everyone's gonna think that that's why
00:57:21
people died they're gonna think that this is my fault so that was really horrible and then there was stuff said
00:57:25
about the company and um yeah like there's some pretty nasty [ __ ] like people were just keyboard Warriors and
00:57:33
it was pretty horrible so I stayed the hell away from it and my nurses wouldn't
00:57:39
let me watch TV um I was there for like I was in hospital for I think it was like 70 something days
00:57:47
but yeah never watched TV like and what else do you do in hospital other than stare at the roof so it was like I never
00:57:52
watched TV the whole time because I was just like I don't want to know I don't
00:57:54
want to see and because my hands were all bandaged and delicate I couldn't change the channel
00:58:00
so it was like if everyone left it was like something came on it was like well I'm just going there for like my way
00:58:08
through this yeah it's just like I'm not doing that so it was just like no I'm
00:58:11
not doing this so never watch TV um yeah didn't listen to the radio or anything when I came home
00:58:17
um actually the only radio I did listen to was the rock because they don't do
00:58:21
that [ __ ] they don't talk about that kind of [ __ ] so it was just like well
00:58:25
can I can I tell you from like a like the perspective of sitting here yeah I just realized that you weren't on the
00:58:30
rock you were on the edge I was on the Edge at the time yeah oh no no that's
00:58:35
all right that's right the raw camp they're good friends of mine I know you've done a bit with um Jan dank who
00:58:39
do the afternoon show on the Rock and they they're a great great show but um
00:58:43
just if I may um well not even applaud but just say no no other no media organizations doing that that's that's
00:58:50
individual weird people online yeah no media organization yeah it is it's just
00:58:57
made me real paranoid now yeah that's awful and then especially with the court
00:59:00
cases it's made me just really really paranoid that whatever I say is going to
00:59:05
get used wrong and whatever I talk about is going to get used against being caught and stuff like that so I'm
00:59:11
just like hella paranoid like so I mean I've not done a lot of these sorts of
00:59:17
things and when I do it's like I want to hear it before it goes anywhere like
00:59:22
um and I want the right to be able to say cut that out yeah take that out well you you we've been going backwards and
00:59:27
forwards for for a couple of months you're you're a hard one to pin down
00:59:31
um but you you sent me a DM a couple of weeks ago saying oh can you send me a list of questions and I I because you
00:59:36
you were worried about the legal the legal aspect not reply to you saying well I don't I don't really have
00:59:41
anything I don't I don't really have any questions but it's just like um it's
00:59:45
your perspective on things but I never really sort of thought about it from your angle that yeah and that's um
00:59:50
that's another like you what you've been through is is daunting like it's been
00:59:54
enough trauma for you know 10 lifetimes really let alone one and now you've got
00:59:59
this other thing hanging over your head yeah and it was like even um like when they told me what was going
01:00:04
on so this was like it was I think it was right before my leg grafting so I was around Christmas in 2019 so I'm
01:00:12
hearing about all the staff I'm hearing that people have died I'm hearing
01:00:16
um basically what's going on back home all that kind of stuff and then I'm also
01:00:20
hearing media are trying to break into the hospital the hospital was in lockdown because of you because you're
01:00:26
here every single hospital with someone in it from my island is in lockdown there are guards everywhere there's
01:00:33
police everywhere my family were being harassed um people were calling them it was like
01:00:39
how did they get their numbers um they were breaking into the hospitals they were dressing up in lab coats and
01:00:44
trying to get through security they were lying about being a relative of mine I heard that one of them burnt
01:00:51
themselves purposely to get into the burns unit to try and find us and it was like I'm hearing all of this while I'm
01:00:58
not strapped to the bed but I'm immobile I can't fan with myself and I was like
01:01:02
so I'd have like two hours in the middle of the day where I was like having a nap
01:01:07
and I just stare at the door and it was like What if someone comes through the camera I can't do anything I can't even
01:01:12
call the nurses because I have this little husky voice because I had a tube down my throat so it was like I can't
01:01:17
defend myself and then I got out of hospital and it was like I started seeing all this stuff in the media and
01:01:22
it was like oh my God like nowhere is safe no one has got anyone's back here
01:01:27
everyone's just like it's like this big media frenzy of piranha just basically
01:01:30
just ripping Treads off and it was like holy [ __ ] and so it was terrifying and
01:01:35
then they're like I think I'd yet posted that first um post got slammed media
01:01:40
being like we want to talk to you let's do this and I was just like well actually I've got this media article
01:01:45
from your work there's no way I'll talk to you look what you said it's like
01:01:50
there's no way so I just delete and just yeah never reply yeah also I suppose by
01:01:54
doing stuff well yeah by doing stuff on Instagram it's like you control your
01:01:57
narrative yeah and so it was safe for me because it was like it's your space yeah
01:02:01
exactly no one could take it over and no one could misconstruate it because it was like I would I'd ride it out my mom
01:02:07
read it I had my Dad read it my partner at the time I'd have him read it I have
01:02:11
my sister read it and it was like can you misread anything in this and it was like that for months and it was just
01:02:17
like I'm I was terrified and I didn't want to go into town I didn't want to
01:02:21
leave my house it was terrifying oh cows that's terrible sorry you went through that I know
01:02:29
that's on top of everything else no one deserves that but but especially when um
01:02:34
like when when your character in conduct on the island so I'm gonna go see it now
01:02:38
I'm getting all mad about my voice um as a media person you're thinking Jesus
01:02:49
like oh no no can I just say anyone that's a music radio they're not they're
01:02:54
not media people well Jay and Duncan but it's like the fact that someone could
01:02:59
accuse you of like um you know almost improper conduct um during the the emergency and calling your mum I'm a
01:03:06
cool mum just wait guys especially when the um the way you actually handled yourself as we all now know is like the
01:03:13
polar opposite of that like you went above and beyond I mean that's just it's
01:03:17
heartbreaking I I can't imagine what it's like I'm just trying to put myself
01:03:21
in your shoes like being in this broken position where you're aching all over
01:03:25
you just you're being pulled in One Direction and the other direction and you know you're just stinging and you're
01:03:32
completely immobile and then the shit's going on about you it's Unthinkable and
01:03:36
I'm sorry yeah and so like um yeah just terrifying and it's like and then
01:03:42
um the police want to talk to you because obviously you're a witness now you're a victim you're a witness
01:03:46
um and so it was just like Jesus now I have to do that and if I say anything that makes it sound like I've done
01:03:52
something wrong or a colleague's done something wrong I think I have to do this in court so it was like great and
01:03:57
it was like and I know if I say anything to the media and I get worked up because
01:04:01
it's very easy for me to get worked up about I can tell you faster is that a
01:04:06
reading thing oh look I'm like I'm the worst of all of them it's like
01:04:10
red-haired Aries it's like you name it I am it it's like yeah I mean it's just like the perfect
01:04:18
combination of just like aggro and then it's like and now and then like my brain
01:04:23
is permanently stuck and fight because fight has saved my life so many times it's like so now it's just like my my
01:04:30
brain just goes fight that'll save you and it's just like so now it's just like
01:04:33
every it doesn't take much for me to like and just like get all angsty straight away and so um yeah it's pretty
01:04:39
[ __ ] but they've the final flight thing well we talked about that before that's
01:04:43
um that's how you were able to conduct yourself so awesomely In the Heat of the
01:04:47
yeah the Heat of the Moment and like fire it's great yeah but when you like drop a
01:04:51
spoon and just like want to fight everyone not so good not very handy so um like how are you now how's the pain
01:05:00
now what how has your life changed like what can't you do um I mean I'm pretty fair-skinned anyway
01:05:08
so the graphs burn really easy but I'm already fair skin so I already burn really easy so it's like cool I've been
01:05:15
training for this my whole life so that's not really changed like I can't
01:05:19
really go out in the sun and summer um I can't really regulate my temperature anymore so it's like I don't
01:05:24
realize I'm hot and so it's like wow I'm faint I'm gonna pass out I'm too hot
01:05:29
um and then same with cold I don't realize I'm cold until it's like my body
01:05:32
starts vibrating I'm the first time it happened it was like because I don't get
01:05:36
goosebumps because my legs arms don't have the pores or they're like any they
01:05:40
don't they don't do that anymore so all of a sudden my body just starts shaking
01:05:44
because I go for I don't get goosebumps and then get and I get cold get goosebumps start shaking I just skip all
01:05:51
of that and go straight to shaking it's the first time it happened it was like I
01:05:53
was just shaking I was like am I having a seizure it's like what's happening and
01:05:57
they were like are you cold and I was like No And they were just like it's quite cold and you're not wearing a
01:06:02
jacket and it was like I'm not cold but I'm shaking what is happening put a
01:06:06
jersey on me and it stopped and it was like cool so that's new and it's like I
01:06:10
still find random little new things it's like I get weird Sensations in my legs
01:06:14
and in my hands and it's just like I have one and I think last week where I think I was standing in the kitchen just
01:06:20
like getting my supplements something like that and it was like oh there's cold
01:06:24
water on my leg and looked down and it was like there's nothing on my leg it's
01:06:28
just my nerves having a little white back and freak out wow um so that's pretty weird
01:06:33
um but otherwise that's that's your new normal now that's how yeah and like
01:06:37
every time I ask someone like when will the nerve pain go away because I don't
01:06:41
really want to keep [Music] taking no one really knows because she's she's gonna see the Red
01:06:49
Mist yeah you don't want to make her mad what sort of mid to you on how many like
01:06:53
how many is it a cocktail of pills I'm not a much and they're surprises people
01:06:57
um even like in the first I think once I was at a hospital I was off on my medication which was fantastic
01:07:03
um and to people like oh you must be on so many medications and it's like no I'm
01:07:07
a nun and they're like oh okay and so um but now I am on pain nerve pain medication
01:07:15
um because yeah I want to wrap the skin off my legs um and then I'm also on beta blockers
01:07:19
for my heart rate um which I'm actually seeing my cardiologist tomorrow to hopefully come
01:07:23
off them this year um because we're not quite sure if it's the physical trauma or the mental trauma
01:07:29
so the fight flight but my resting heart rate was quite high it was over 100 and
01:07:34
so I do any kind of exercise or cardio I'd walk up a hill my heart's at 190
01:07:40
something and it's like I've just walked somewhere and it's like that's not safe
01:07:43
and then resting heart right of 110 apparently can start to do damage so my cardiologist put me on the beta blockers
01:07:52
to bring my heart rate down which we didn't realize until I think about a year ago because it caps my heart rate
01:08:00
and it keeps my heart rate down it does a really good job of that um if I do any cardio I run out of
01:08:07
oxygen because my heart rate can only go so high and so I'm not getting oxygen
01:08:11
into my muscles and so for a while it was like oh my god I've gone backwards
01:08:15
so far with my like exercise because I could like do quite a lot of things and then all of a sudden I climbed for his
01:08:22
Peak it wasn't easy and I cried the last kilometer but um did you since uh 2019
01:08:33
um wow good for you yeah it's a hell of a climb zigzags back and forth forever
01:08:40
yeah and there's no cover it's not so it's awesome yeah which is good up until like Instagram point and I
01:08:52
was like this is the top and my partner at the time was like this is not the top
01:08:56
we have a k to go and I was just like I don't want to go the last Kayla I could
01:09:00
just die here thankfully and he was just like no come on we're doing it you'll
01:09:03
regret it if you don't it's 1K like and I was just like okay and that's where I'd like have my limit
01:09:09
and I just like bawled my eyes out for the last K and I was like I don't want
01:09:12
to do this and just like moped up the hill and made it to the top admittedly he was right it was worth it
01:09:19
um the views were amazing um you've always picked by the way it's down sort of Wanaka way yes beautiful
01:09:25
well worth it is stunning way down it was like it was like there was no card buying on my own and it was just oh it
01:09:34
was a bad time but um did that and then yeah it was like two months later I could not walk up a
01:09:41
hill at home without bursting into tears and it was like not even okay and was like how how can I do rose Peak and then
01:09:49
not do this it was just like I couldn't work it out and I got on the beta blockers since then and my physio was
01:09:55
like you're running out of oxygen like that's why all of a sudden you get
01:09:58
fatigued and then you burst into tears because your brains aren't out of oxygen
01:10:02
right like almost like altitude sickness yeah and so it was just like and then it
01:10:05
was like so like for the last all year just over a year now I've been on the
01:10:10
beta blockers and so I feel really careful with my cardio and so if I do or when I do like um
01:10:17
I'm started boxing and like bar and so both I just have to be really careful
01:10:22
with my cardio so it's like my heart rate I can get it to about 120 and keep
01:10:25
it there and I'm all right but for any higher than that for any kind of prolonged period of time I ran a Boxster
01:10:32
so yeah so the podcast is called Runners only I'm guessing no relationships are
01:10:37
running right now occasionally I'm like I'd love to know how to like I'd love to be able to run
01:10:42
and then I'm like nah my boobs like want to rip off my chest yeah my knees hurt
01:10:45
and I was like um were you yeah you mentioned the exercise and the the heart rate thing it
01:10:51
would make you emotional and cry we very emotional pre-2019 or quite quite a quite a hard [ __ ] um
01:11:00
[Music] yeah has it made has it made you more emotional here yeah yeah I um like even like watching movies like
01:11:10
um I cry a lot easier than I ever ever did I'd be like ah it's happy and just
01:11:13
like walk away from it whereas now I'm like and it's so it's quite a change
01:11:18
um and then with the fight the PTSD um yeah I get angered really easily um over anything and then it's like I
01:11:26
also shut down really easily so um I went away recently with a group of 19 strangers as you do and you've got PTSD
01:11:35
and you want to push yourself to the Limit and it was great but it was quite action-packed and eventually it was
01:11:41
really good because I might actually have a big trip at the end of the year which will be bigger than this so it was
01:11:45
kind of a nice little taster of domestically because it was a South Island um it was like I need to get on a plane
01:11:51
and come home within a couple of hours so that's fine but um it was like two
01:11:56
two days and it was like wow I really didn't take into account the social aspect of getting tired and so it was
01:12:04
like two days into 10 days I think it was it was like wow I'm exhausted and it
01:12:09
was just like I don't want to talk to anyone anymore yeah and that's like
01:12:13
let's go to hook a valley and it was like oh okay and then so I and then when
01:12:19
we got to Queenstown I was like I feel like [ __ ] and so I said to the to a leader I was like I I tap out for a day
01:12:25
or I'm going to lose my [ __ ] and so he was just like well you're booked into
01:12:28
this thing I was like not anymore mate I'm gonna call him and pull out and they're like he's like you can't do that
01:12:33
it's less than 24 hours out I was like I can [ __ ] do this it's either that or
01:12:37
I'm gonna cry my whole way through it and so pulled out of it and that was sweet they were like yeah that's fine we
01:12:43
totally get it so I just like stayed in my hotel room for the day but when I was
01:12:47
walking in Queenstown I walked them um the group down to I think they were going rafting or canyoning
01:12:53
um and so I walked them down there and I was walking back and I was in Queenstown
01:12:58
Main Street and I was just walking back to the hotel someone dropped something in Queenstown and it sounded exactly
01:13:04
like white Island and I don't like I I say that the eruption didn't make any
01:13:08
noise and I mean that um it was like a noise it used to make about a month before and also a year
01:13:13
before that so it wasn't even related to the eruption it was just like what sort
01:13:17
of sound it was just like it's big boom like someone who just drops like at the
01:13:21
when I was down there they had these like big like iron bits over I guess holes in the ground okay and so I think
01:13:27
so I'm gonna pick one up to look under it and then just dropped it right and it
01:13:30
took every fiber of my being not to just Duck and Cover in the main street of Queenstown and I was just like
01:13:35
physically shaking and I was like go go go get back to the hotel and made it back to the hotel without having a
01:13:41
full-on breakdown um and then a few days later I actually had two panic attacks and a kayak which
01:13:49
is not the greatest place to have a panic at all the places I know on the water I don't want to do that again I don't
01:14:01
want to save myself again so um it was quite an eye-opening test because obviously at home everything's nice and
01:14:09
safe um I have my routine I have my appointments all my my different therapists and exercise coaches like
01:14:16
they all know me really well they all know what triggers me they know how to like deal with me I suppose go out and
01:14:22
so I feel really good I feel really strong I'm doing all the stuff that my Wellness coaches teach me to do I feel
01:14:28
great like I haven't had an incident with PTSD in ages I was like I'm gonna
01:14:32
do this real big random thing when I did that I came back I was like oh my God I am hopeless I've made no
01:14:39
progress and she was just like no like you were totally out of it you're totally out of your safe Zone like and
01:14:45
you're in this like massive situation but I learned a lot and so that's good
01:14:49
and so I'm using that going forward and it's like um if I do this big trip at the end of
01:14:53
the year then I've got all these things now which I might need to work on that
01:14:57
need to work on that need to take that into account so um yeah that's massive which is really
01:15:02
good oh I I know you're not gonna like this but um it's inspirational that
01:15:06
you're even like doing this like a lot of people are going to be um listening
01:15:09
to this thinking oh God you know I'm in more of a comfort zone than what she is
01:15:14
and I haven't been through any of this [ __ ] but the fact that you are constantly trying to push yourself
01:15:19
um yeah you're quite kind to yourself no no I'm learning yeah um my PTSD was got really really bad at
01:15:31
the start of last year um it was really really bad and I openly admit I was a piece of [ __ ] like I
01:15:38
didn't want to be around me but I can't get away from me and so um had a
01:15:42
breakdown with a couple of relationships um which not even in contact with them anymore and they're two people I thought
01:15:47
would be in my life for life that was a massive slap in the face to keep trying and keep trying to find something
01:15:55
because I was just done I was like I'm trying talk therapy that doesn't feel
01:16:00
like it's working I tried EMDR that made things worse EMDR what's that they dissociate
01:16:11
I can't remember anymore it's a terrible oh it's the worst it means yeah eye
01:16:15
movement desensitization and reprocessing right so basically it it's to try and reprocess the trauma of the
01:16:23
memory into the actual memory part of your brain rather than living in the emotional part of the brain and not
01:16:29
being where it's supposed to be so um tried that that didn't work um tried a whole bunch of other stuff
01:16:36
that didn't work um and just was I was just tired I was done I was so tired like all the
01:16:41
physical recovery [ __ ] getting all trying to like heal mentally as well which is like way worse than the
01:16:46
physical stuff yeah I was just done so I just was just like [ __ ] this I'm just
01:16:49
gonna have a few months off I'll just have a break which you can't do you
01:16:53
can't just have a break from healing and so my my headspace everything just deteriorated really really bad the PTSD
01:17:03
basically took over I was terrified of everything I was angry at everything I was
01:17:08
I probably wasn't depressed but I was sad a lot I was yeah and I didn't leave
01:17:13
the house like I could barely left the house and all this is understandable right yeah yeah to an extent yes no 100
01:17:19
it is like with what you've been through yeah and I think it would be it would be
01:17:24
very very easy and even like no one could hold it against you if you decided to be a victim for the rest of your life
01:17:30
and that's kind of where I was I was just like I've had this I've had all
01:17:35
these horrific things happen to me yeah I've ended up in all these shitty situations I feel like I'm totally alone
01:17:40
no one gets it no one can seem to help me I've tried all these things people
01:17:44
are trying to help it's not working I'm done like I just want to be a normal
01:17:48
person for a bit so I'm just gonna just relax and yeah it got ugly and so yeah I lost
01:17:54
those two relationships which was enough of a kick up the ass to be like you can't live like this mate like come on
01:17:59
you got like look what you've been through you can do this and so I went to a naturopath and I went to a
01:18:05
hypnotherapist I found a wellness coach I you know I've tried it um and so thankfully I changed like I
01:18:13
changed psychologists to someone with a bit more PTSD experience and like the wellness coach and the my new psych like
01:18:21
holy [ __ ] like they are worth their weight in gold they just changed my life and so in the last
01:18:28
where are we now April yeah April um I've been yeah basically overhauling my life and um because yeah I just I
01:18:38
just got the biggest kick out the ass and it finally made me realize like even though like all this terrible stuff
01:18:43
has happened to you and that wasn't your fault the rest is not your responsibility PTSD
01:18:48
is my responsibility the trauma is my responsibility surviving living from here on out is my responsibility and I
01:18:54
can either live like that lose all my relationships or I can just keep going and it's like I just have to keep going
01:19:03
and like I had this like brief chat with um Damien from blind spot and honestly I
01:19:09
reckon he helped save my life because so um he's a great guy by the way David and
01:19:15
Alexander I love that how did your paths cross were you a blind spot fan yes so the rock sent me to two of their Gates
01:19:25
um yeah two of their gigs and um like didn't really I spoke probably more to
01:19:30
Sheldon than Damien but um there was in September I think it was September um the Raptors there Rock 2000 and one
01:19:40
of their new songs um tonight played and they had this little snippet of Damien talking about
01:19:45
the song and like the how how it came to be like where his headspace was at when he wrote it and it
01:19:53
just struck a chord and so I messaged him I was just like dude I'm in the darkest part of my life and just who
01:19:58
heard you talking about the song and I was just like I just I needed that like thank you just keep doing what you're
01:20:05
doing and he sent me back this massive message I bawled my eyes out I saved it as my background for like three months
01:20:11
because I I just like read it every day and just be like come on you can do this
01:20:15
but in short it was like you just gonna keep turning up just turn up just keep turning up like even if you keep getting
01:20:21
hit in the face turn up and so it's easier said than done though isn't it it
01:20:25
is um and it's like when you're exhausted like physically quickly emotionally
01:20:29
mentally spiritually just everything like everything's at zero percent or negative it is hard and I didn't want to
01:20:36
do it I don't want to do it I don't want to do that I still don't want to do it
01:20:40
but it's like what choice do I have it's like so it's kind of just got me to this
01:20:44
point now where it's just like I've finally found things that are helping
01:20:48
it's got me out of that dark hole of the whole yeah just not being good and it doesn't matter perfect like I
01:20:57
still have bouts of PTC as I just mentioned down south and like I still have days where I just totally just
01:21:03
dissociate and but I know what that is now whereas like two years ago it would happen and people like what's wrong
01:21:09
what's tell me what's going on it's like I don't [ __ ] know I'm not right I
01:21:13
don't know what's going on and they'll be like what do you mean you don't know
01:21:16
you should know like what's going on in your head and so I don't know and some
01:21:20
people would just be like and leave because they'd be like I don't know how
01:21:23
to help you if you don't know what's going on and so they just walk away and
01:21:26
so it was like well now I don't feel like I can talk to anyone because everyone's just giving me the same
01:21:30
answer so it was just like I just basically just imploded and it obviously exploded because that's what happens you
01:21:37
can't just shut down because that doesn't work yeah so I'm changing my
01:21:41
life because I don't want to be that person I hated that person but I didn't
01:21:45
know how to change it but I have the help now to not be that person and I'm doing my damnedest not to be that person
01:21:51
again also I guess Beyond um scaring up and driving away other people it's like you've got to live with
01:21:56
yourself so you want to be comfortable in your own yeah it's hard like I I reckon I put on like 20 kgs of just
01:22:03
stress and it was just like because I was always in that fight flight I'm never on that rest digest so it was like
01:22:09
anything I ate straight on my body so I hated the way I looked I hated my brain I just hated everything about myself and
01:22:16
I was just like which sucks because it was like I've survived all the stuff and
01:22:20
everyone's and everyone's telling me you're so inspirational you're so strong
01:22:23
blah blah blah and it's just like if only you could be in my head right now it's just like you would
01:22:28
oh my God it was not good so and like I do struggle to take the compliments like
01:22:33
you've been saying to me and it's just like I I struggle with it and I don't
01:22:37
know whether that's yeah ever going to be better or not but and um what's your
01:22:42
relationship like now with your physical body like when you when you when you get
01:22:45
up in the morning and you're out of the shower and you see yourself in front of
01:22:48
the mirror like are you comfortable with what you see yeah which is the stupid thing about it
01:22:54
is it's got nothing to do with scars the scars I think kind of cool because it's
01:22:58
so it is I mean I can't change that yeah but it's like there's things I can
01:23:02
change that I'm not happy with so I was like wait and like all these dumb stupid
01:23:07
cosmetic things it's like I am healthy it's like I am boxing I am doing bad I'm
01:23:11
doing reformer I'm doing met Pilates like I am walking my dog two three times
01:23:15
a day it's like I could not be doing more any any more physical exercise if I
01:23:20
tried without killing myself so it's like physically I mean not lately because I went to the South Island and
01:23:25
then I got like this gastro bag last week so I'm not good at the moment I have barely moved in the last two weeks
01:23:31
but um and then I sprained my shoulder and then while I was vomiting I ruined the
01:23:36
shoulder so it was just like so I'm in a bit of a stage at the moment but I will
01:23:41
get back because yeah all my appointments are slowly starting to come back and so it's just yeah
01:23:45
just another little setback for me and what about at night when you when you put your head on the pillow and shut the
01:23:51
eyes what are your dreams like I don't really have any don't you why that's a good thing right I don't know
01:23:57
I've had I think I can count on one hand how many nightmares I've had since
01:24:03
two of them have been violent um and then the other three actually maybe it's just those two there's only been
01:24:11
two I've only ever had two major nightmares that I can think of and both of them were around white Island but not
01:24:18
what actually happened it was just my brain making up other random wild and things geez that's lucky isn't it I
01:24:24
think yeah oh yeah like I yeah for all the symptoms of PTSD that I don't have
01:24:30
um I'm glad I don't have the nightmares because I need like 11 hours of sleep to
01:24:35
be somewhat functional which apparently is is a trauma thing because of like the
01:24:40
hyper vigilance and stuff and I'm always like always like looking for danger
01:24:44
um yeah I do require a lot more rest than the average person which sucks because it's like I have a late night or
01:24:50
I have to get up early in the morning and it's like I don't function well yeah
01:24:53
so how old are you now what are you 20 29 right yeah you've still got so much
01:24:59
Life to Live don't you hopefully yeah oh no absolutely you do I mean I've been
01:25:04
people have been saying for like the last eight is like that's your bad luck
01:25:08
surely and that's okay sometimes it's like everyone's like you're still young
01:25:12
it's like yeah yeah so what's uh what's what's next how's the next 50 60 70 years gonna look just
01:25:19
survive right I think you've done that boring survival would be nice actually
01:25:23
you say surviving I I'd say and I think many other people would say thriving
01:25:27
seriously yeah get in there get in there I think the aim is to basically I mean I don't really have a major aim
01:25:35
um at the moment it's just get my mind right get my brain right find the things
01:25:39
that work for me get them into um like a routine that's I don't have to think about
01:25:45
um so that's my ultimate goal at this point is to just get that [ __ ] sort of
01:25:49
first um get off the stupid beta blockers so I can actually start doing [ __ ] um and then yeah go from there I think
01:25:58
it's my goal at this point I just get my head right first yeah you're you're so
01:26:02
driven though I can't wait to see what you do and what you achieve in your life
01:26:05
because there's a lot more to come um so what are you doing for money like there was the give a little page which
01:26:11
um there was an this is at the time of the explosion there's an outpouring of
01:26:15
support 120 000 from thousands of small amounts which is which is humbling I'm
01:26:21
guessing that money's all gone that was years ago um day-to-day expenses and whatnot yeah so
01:26:31
because um oh okay um so it has been amazing they've been incredible um same as do you get like 80 of your
01:26:42
income the whole thing or 80 right yeah yeah so they pay 80 of my wage um for the rest of your life or
01:26:51
until when if I go back to work okay so I just yeah if I can get my head writing
01:26:56
at the PTSD thing sort of then I can probably work um but at the moment like any kind of
01:27:02
stress and I'm like and can't function so it's like No One's Gonna want that
01:27:06
I don't want that and this is one of those restaurants like um there was one
01:27:11
that opened in Auckland called Karen's where I'd be great people go there to be abused by the
01:27:16
stars um um yeah so at the moment let's just get that [ __ ] sorted um but yeah so ACC and
01:27:25
yeah so I had to give a little page which was just oh man that blew my mind like that made me cry because well it's
01:27:31
humbling it's people you don't know and that's you know you were saying before
01:27:34
about some of the main things that people wrote online yeah the give a little people the the other majority in
01:27:40
new zealanders like not everyone's got money to give but that that represents
01:27:44
most new zealanders yeah and I remember when mum mum showed it to me like this has been things at all so unraveling
01:27:51
um and I was in hospital it was yeah December still sometime and Mum was saying like just give a little bit for
01:27:57
you it was like oh nice that's good of them and she was just like do you want
01:28:01
to have a look at it and I was just like you yeah right and so she showed me the
01:28:05
phone and my broken little head thought it was nine grand and I was like oh my God that's so amazing like nine grand
01:28:12
and Mum was like nine and I was like yeah nine grand you should take the phone at this point
01:28:18
um and she was like it's not nine grand it's 97 Grand and I was like what show
01:28:26
me and she showed me again and then it was like scrolling through the squeeze of messages and I was like burst into
01:28:32
tears and I was like are you kidding me like this is amazing and some of them are like X
01:28:37
um people I took on my Island and some of them were like people I hadn't heard
01:28:40
from since God knows when it was amazing it was just incredible yeah I guess in a
01:28:44
lot of ways like the comments that people wrote when they made a donation meant just as much if not more than them
01:28:48
oh yeah yeah it was amazing and so um when the give a little page actually closed mum got every single message
01:28:56
printed out from give a little and it's like put them all together so I've got
01:29:01
them forever now so I can just like read through them and it's really nice oh
01:29:04
that must be nice if you're having a rough day yeah yeah so what are the biggest learnings
01:29:08
about yourself in this whole thing are you tougher than what you thought you were stronger than what yeah shitty yeah
01:29:14
and like people say like I could never get through what you've got through and
01:29:17
it's just like why never you don't have a choice like when you're in that
01:29:20
position it's like your options are curl up on a ball and let the scar tissue
01:29:24
take over and die or it's just go this [ __ ] sucks and keep going like I've tried both ways and
01:29:31
really both of them suck but one of them sucks way more and it yeah destroys everything around you as well so it's
01:29:38
like you've got to keep going you have to find the help you have to keep going
01:29:42
and just make the best out of what you've got left like otherwise what's the point
01:29:49
that's probably a great way to end it oh can I ask like why did you why did you
01:29:53
you aren't like generally quite private like I know you've been on that Netflix
01:29:57
movie you share about on your own terms on your own Instagram but you don't do a
01:30:01
lot of the stuff and I'm so grateful that you did but why why did you agree to come here today
01:30:09
um I I guess yeah because last year was so bad for me um possibly my worst I would say
01:30:15
mentally my worst um I've kind of got a bit more of a [ __ ] attitude now and so
01:30:23
um yeah that's mostly it I'm kind of just trying to just just do more things and
01:30:30
try more things and yeah just try and be a bit more of a yes guy instead of a Hermit guy yeah and I'm so pleased you
01:30:37
did because I I I think you're remarkable and I think there's a lot of a lot of people that can get a lot of
01:30:42
good from your story um because like what you've been through is unimaginable and the way that you've
01:30:46
dealt with it with um like a fair amount of Grace and humility it's just remarkable and all those
01:30:52
um words we talked about before but you curl your toes up at like um yeah heroic
01:30:58
and and brave and strong and whatever else they're all absolutely true and you
01:31:04
should be giving yourself a pat on the back for the work you've done because no
01:31:07
one's motivating you to do it you've got to do it all yourself unfortunately and
01:31:10
you have and you are and you continue to do so thank you I think we'll enter that eh
01:31:16
Kelsey wagorn hero honestly if if no one comes to give you a bravery award or a courage award or whatever there is at
01:31:25
some stage in the next couple of years I'm gonna [ __ ] buy one myself and give it to you because you deserve
01:31:30
karate statues yeah little plastic things all right hey um you're a great New Zealander and I
01:31:38
can't thank you enough for coming on the podcast today thank you [Music] thank you
01:31:55
[Music]