00:00:00
Rob madaka good day mate hey brother did I get the pronun I get nervous you're
00:00:04
good bro you're good oh good hey thank you so much for coming over and joining
00:00:07
me on my podcast bro thanks for inviting me in appreciate it bro oh you've got a
00:00:12
you've got a hell of a story um I actually don't have any questions for this for this podcast but I thought I
00:00:17
thought we just working um I mean it's just such um such a unique and terrifying story I feel like if we just
00:00:26
go in chapters I'll just follow my nose um I thought we we could start on the
00:00:30
day which is July 2009 um then we'll go to the the leadup um you know growing up
00:00:37
the moments that led to that moment um the recovery and court case and then um rebuilding Rob yeah and where you're at
00:00:43
now yeah great four chapters okay so first of all can I say um July 2009 I was living in a suburb um not far from
00:00:52
where we are now called uh West which is like one suburb over from point shev so
00:00:57
when this came on the news it sort of captivated me and I'd never ever heard
00:01:01
uh before that moment of the phrase suicide by cop had never heard it before yeah and that was that was you on the
00:01:07
news so talk us through that day so I had a very public mental and spiritual breakdown um I'd broken up from a
00:01:16
relationship it was unhealthy and um and I I helped destroy that even more and it
00:01:23
blew up and I thought um I'll get i'll get even clearer I to get out of this crazy relationship I did
00:01:32
something even more crazier and stupid and I went and sleep with somebody else to make sure it it really exploded
00:01:38
self-destruct self-destruct I wanted it to really explode and um I called the police on myself I called the police on
00:01:47
myself cuz I thought I was the biggest pile of crap in the world no one will ever forgive me for all the things that
00:01:53
i' compiled I built a case against myself and all the floodgates from the past just burst open so it's like like
00:02:00
the past present future is all converging all at once and you're hurt scared angry confused and I thought I
00:02:07
don't want to be alive and I thought I know I've seen police shoot M on the
00:02:11
news right or wrong I'm a Mali that should be easy and I thought I deserved a violent death so I called the police
00:02:18
up brother called them on myself and um ended up being shot in the chest at close range by provoking the police to
00:02:25
shoot me dead the I mean the the whole thing is just awful and there's so much to unpack
00:02:33
here um you yeah I've heard the 111 I'm sorry for laugh I've heard the 111 call
00:02:39
you've got you're wearing a t-shirt now that says shop bro for anyone that wants
00:02:42
to watch your play or play documentary documentary yeah it's on YouTube you can
00:02:46
just look up shop bro you'll find it it starts with the 111 call and then the
00:02:51
video footage it's it's very difficult to watch but you hear the call you you
00:02:56
call yourself and you describe yourself and you're wearing um like cost cume
00:03:00
camouflage Gear Well I'm wearing World War II trousers from a theater show that
00:03:04
I co-wrote and co- acted in and I'm wearing a Air Force Army trench coat which a good friend of mine gave to me
00:03:11
as a present so I'm looking like somebody's having a massive mental breakdown who looks pretty crazy dressed
00:03:18
in military regalia so I was pretty much dressing the part and freaking the police out yeah so so you had a knife in
00:03:25
one hand and on the other hand you had like a ladle covered with a teil teail so that think that was a gun yes I had a
00:03:31
yeah it was a meat cleaver and a soup lad wrapped in a teail and I went out there wanting to be just I just wanted
00:03:38
it to end and I wanted this hurt to stop in my mind and you know the the police officer did say don't take another step
00:03:47
and I took that step and guess what happens when you take that step when they say don't take another step so I
00:03:53
got that 9 mm bullet into me ripped through my internal organs dropped me and I realized I made a terrible mistake
00:04:01
yeah and you can hear that in the the in the the footage cuz there were camera cruise that made it there in time you
00:04:06
you you yelling out over and over again I'm so sorry I'm so sorry yeah yeah and
00:04:10
I've had quite a few people ask me who are you sorry to Rob and I had to think
00:04:15
about and I was like I think I was sorry to the policeman I was freaking out I was sorry to everybody I may have heard
00:04:22
in my life growing up was just all these sories compounded from childhood so so just back a little bit
00:04:30
so that the police turn up then how long is is that whole interaction I don't know time time is
00:04:36
just is blued right so so you hear this you're in the house you hear the sirens
00:04:40
that you called on yourself and then you come out on the street so I called the police and I was wondering on
00:04:46
myself uh and I was wondering why no one has come into the house in my mind they're going to burst and blow me away
00:04:52
and that's the end of Rob yeah but no one was coming in the house and I was getting frustrated so I went outside
00:04:58
onto the street and um yeah that's where they're outside cuz I did call them M and they're half
00:05:05
hour away from you so you're on the street one's hiding behind a tree Once
00:05:08
hiding behind the police car like 20 M 15 M oh it's yeah around about 15 M and
00:05:14
they're not that far away brothers and and so and do they do do they try and
00:05:18
negotiate with you yeah yeah yeah this this police officer trying to reach out to me and ask me what my name is and
00:05:25
trying to reach out but I'm in this full storm I call it the storm of suicide
00:05:30
audiation where I was like don't try and reach out to me and I actually I think I
00:05:34
may have said my name I did say my name actually and so I said my name who what your name I said my name and like and
00:05:42
it's got my other inner voice which is all in shop representation and my inner
00:05:46
voice going my inner critic or my inner tany saying why the hell did you tell him your name and basically I was kind
00:05:53
of like I was trying to reach out through the through the storm myself but he did warn me that they said what's in
00:06:00
the te Toto I said you know what's in the te Toto they said don't take another
00:06:03
step I took that step and bang shot in the chest at close range um yeah and but it missed your vital organs
00:06:13
no it cut through my organs right and it was stuck inside of me so they couldn't
00:06:17
find it how how are you not how did you not die that's a great question that's
00:06:21
great there must be like a purpose right there's got to be a absolutely and so my
00:06:24
grandmother she's from the Hooka so very much a hooka Catholic she said you know
00:06:29
gave you the Archangel Michael medal and um it's because of I gave you this medal
00:06:34
you're alive and whatever the reasons are it's it's to give me a second chance
00:06:39
and with that second chance I'm know go I'm going around austral Asia to
00:06:43
communities and organizations to normalize this conversation using humor and lived experience to open up those
00:06:52
very heavy crunchy doors we uncomfortable about addressing yeah bro and the the work you've done since this
00:06:58
happened The Darkest Day of your life um it's incredible it's inspirational and
00:07:03
it's phenomenal and I guess I wonder if that's the purpose that you survived I I
00:07:07
feel it is I definitely feel it is uh I was at a mental health Grassroots conference in Hastings and I was I
00:07:13
presented and one of the other presenters came up to me he literally rolled up to me in a wheelchair his name
00:07:18
is Wayne Forest he's a really good man and he rolled up to me after listening
00:07:23
to me and he said he looked up at me and he said you know that happened to you for a reason and part of that reason is
00:07:30
for you to send this message out to people yeah and I didn't know his story I looked at this man in a wheelchair and
00:07:35
I was thinking what happened to him and then I get to his hear his story about a
00:07:39
rugby playing farmer who went into a tackle rugby tackle and never came out of it so everyone's got a story it's
00:07:45
just I suppose the key thing I'm meeting from people who have gone through trauma
00:07:50
is From the Ashes hope rises and it's creating hope in different communities
00:07:54
yeah absolutely okay so so so you you so you get shot so you're lying on the the
00:07:59
ground repeatedly shouting out I'm so sorry I'm so sorry um then what happens
00:08:04
do you black out you pass out no I'm still aw cuz the bullet is searing my internal organs it's on fire yeah
00:08:10
because I would say you're you're you're the only person I'll ever have the
00:08:13
privilege of speaking to that's been shot in the chest and survive so yeah describe that pain uh yeah once again
00:08:21
quite a few people have asked that question what does it feel like it's like having a hot iron poker in the fire
00:08:27
and then someone stabs in inside of you and it doesn't stop burning so it's like
00:08:31
sizzling your internal organs so the the the the suicidal storm that's going in
00:08:38
my mind is now overridden by the burning interal organs so now I was like oh that's not a problem the problem's down
00:08:45
here now brother and I am just like I am just in a whole world of pain in a different way and from that from the
00:08:55
healing process I've met a lot of people and I realize meeting lots of different
00:08:59
people around austral Asia is that people don't want to kill themselves they just want the hurt to stop up here
00:09:04
100% absolutely and I uh yeah I'm one of those people who survived that and a lot
00:09:09
of people don't so I'm very blessed to get a second chance at life so so so
00:09:14
when you you're down on the road saying I'm so sorry over and over again searing
00:09:18
pain in your chest do the cops come up and check check on you or do they keep yeah the cops come up and one officer
00:09:25
compresses my w I'm in so much pain that bullet is like so it's like burning it's
00:09:30
on I don't know what the angle of the bullet and it's so intensely painful and
00:09:35
I remember a police officer come down and compress the wound he compressed the wound and it just eased the the burning
00:09:41
for just a little bit just enough for me to breathe and I ended up meeting that policeman so that wasn't the one that
00:09:47
shot you that was his no this is another guy yeah um there's another story to
00:09:51
this so that that police officer who compressed my wound we invited him to shot bro years later cuz he contacted my
00:09:59
agent just wanted to say hey look I saw a I saw a short interview with you and I
00:10:05
just want to commend you for how far you've come I went oh who's this again
00:10:08
well I'm the officer who compressed your wound and I was like wow so yeah his job
00:10:13
I just a lot of people don't know this he told me once he watched sh BR i wasani m uh at the school and he came
00:10:23
and watched and he watched BR and he was blown away just by he didn't know what
00:10:27
the background story was and he said well I'm glad you didn't point that tto
00:10:30
at me and I said why is that cuz I was hiding in the bushes with an assault rifle if you that officer missed my job
00:10:37
was to finish you off so everything happened in the right form in the right way for a reason for a reason for me to
00:10:44
still be alive and to meet that officer and give him an apology letter from me to the officer who pulled the trigger
00:10:50
who I provoked and it's an apology letter handwritten with all my contact details cuz he said look if you really
00:10:57
want to get in contact with him give me give me that letter because I went through official channels to try and
00:11:03
apologize nothing but anyway for this officer this um that policeman who I provoked to shoot me has gotten my full
00:11:11
apology but he as far as you know then he hasn't sort of accepted it I don't
00:11:16
know the main thing is I know he's got it yeah and I I I met F I've got friends
00:11:21
who in the police I've got cousins and they said well that dude will be pretty
00:11:25
messed up and um can you can you imagine I'm I'm I don't want to dwell on this
00:11:30
cuz I I know you feel like [ __ ] about this um but yeah like can you imagine just the hell it would created for his
00:11:38
life had he killed you well yep and look at it this way we had a atani uh presentation of shopo and he
00:11:47
said everybody was doing their job on the day you were doing your job that policeman was doing his job the
00:11:52
policeman who compressed your wound he was doing his job so if you take the emotion out everybody was doing doing
00:11:59
their job and it's a crazy job and um thankfully I'm alive to be a to apologize to that police officer and the
00:12:08
other officer who compressed my wound yeah yeah it's good so um so you don't
00:12:14
do you pass it at all before the ambulance no I'm are you coherent the whole time I'm like burning I'm I'm a
00:12:20
sausage sizzor lying down on the ground I'm like I'm like at my own barbecue and it's an internal barbecue
00:12:28
um and [ __ ] see you remember everything how did you not pass out well I was think I was in now just going ah I think
00:12:34
I was yelling at where's the ambulance and it seemed to take an eternity while
00:12:37
you're sizzling on the ground um and then and it finally turns up and they Chuck me on the gurnie they P me and
00:12:45
then I remember yelling out for to put me some drugs in me but they weren't sure how much they should put in or
00:12:49
anyway just it was just I was in a world of chaos so I passed out in the ambulance then awoke re awoke as we
00:12:57
arrived at the uh Hospital so so so at that point in the in the ambulance when you're lying on the road you you must be
00:13:02
thinking I'm going to I'm going to die I wanted to die yeah because so I'm
00:13:08
disappointed that I'm still alive yeah and I'm actually yelling at the police
00:13:12
to shoot me in the head uh but it's finish you off yeah finish me off because the pain is so extreme that I
00:13:18
don't think I can actually the the mind can't process the extremity of the
00:13:24
bullet burning my internal organs so I'm actually yelling out but it's a
00:13:28
beautiful afternoon in Sunny Point of O and people are looking out their Windows
00:13:33
going who is this crazy maniac the police had to shoot so you know living off all of that to go when I see
00:13:40
shootings now if I hear anything about people jumping off I go what's the real
00:13:44
story behind the article that's that's how I look at the news what's the real
00:13:48
story cuz that's just the headline yeah so then you're taken to hospital what
00:13:54
does the what does the recovery look like do they put you on a coma they they put you on enough morphing to knock you
00:13:58
out for how many days I remember no not many days I remember the the I remember them
00:14:05
cutting my clothes off and putting some drugs in me and that's I passed out just
00:14:12
in okay and then I woke up in the hospital room and it was like big shock it's like now I'm in a new world and the
00:14:20
new world is I've got my guts cut wide open and it is extremely painful and the
00:14:25
first thing I think about in hospital was I hope my dad doesn't know so that's the first person I thought of
00:14:31
was my dad why cuz it the uh like embarrassment or shame or yes absolutely I've brought all this embarrassment and
00:14:39
shame all upon the family and now everyone's going to know that I'm an effing loser I'm an effing piece of this
00:14:45
and that and blah blah blah so which sort of reinforces the story you'd been
00:14:50
telling yourself yes I'd been telling myself for that for a while even though
00:14:54
I was the smiley guy making people laugh making them feel good and behind closed
00:14:59
doors i' just be exhausted but isn't it funny that that was your first your first thought you
00:15:06
think your first thought would be oh [ __ ] I failed I'm still here or oh my
00:15:11
God I survived this is amazing this is my second chance but no that was not no how much time had passed like between
00:15:19
being taken to hospital and you coming out of sedation oh you know like a day two days a day a day I think it was the
00:15:25
next day and and then then what happened oh I've got police in my room now watching oh like police guard yeah
00:15:32
police guard just in case I miraculously get out of bed which I can't move um so
00:15:37
the police are guarding um somebody who can't move um who's got his guts card
00:15:41
wide open and um I suppose they just following procedure um and I'm messed up
00:15:46
and I meet Obi-Wan Kenobi AKA my new lawyer and he comes from upstairs out of the blue silverhead Vox and he
00:15:56
introduces himself he's a QC and I thought I don't trust any lawyers why would I trust the lawyers but he's
00:16:02
actually a really good man and he informs me there's a whole bunch of people downstairs in the hospital
00:16:08
waiting room who care about me and I didn't know that cuz in my mind no one cares about me in my mind I'm not worth
00:16:14
anything so you thought everyone else would be better off without you ABS gone absolutely and that's the usual that I
00:16:21
I'm meeting people around austral Asia and I've seen interviews on on documentaries about this is like people
00:16:27
feel like they're doing somebody they doing people a favor yeah they think they're a burden absolutely 100% And it
00:16:33
it goes back to what you were saying before about no no one actually wants to die they just want the hurt to stop yes
00:16:39
and they want to stop being an embarrassment or a burden to others yeah so what then so then what's the what's
00:16:45
the recovery like what's what's that process or procedure like like weeks
00:16:49
months um so I'm seven weeks in Oran hospital with my guts cut what open so so the emergency sudu are had the bullet
00:16:59
was still stuck inside me so was still making me sick so I was just yeah spewing up green B cuz there
00:17:07
bullet is and they can't see or find the bullet on CT scans or x-rays it's
00:17:12
actually hidden behind my lung but there was some unrelated problem on my back cuz I'm lying on my back and I had get
00:17:19
the doctor one of the prettiest doctors I've ever seen it well seemed pretty
00:17:23
amazing at the time maybe it was the morphing may it could have been the morphing but she said hey did they find
00:17:28
that bullet and I went no and she went okay so she starts digging into my back they give me lots more morphine and pl
00:17:34
digging around and she pulls out some rib cuz they had to crack my ribs to try and find the bullet so they cut me open
00:17:40
and crack the ribs they can't find the bullet it's so she digs in the back and
00:17:44
she pulls out a little piece of rib and she keeps digging and um she pulls out the bullet and she goes I found it and I
00:17:51
was like can have a look at it I was like you little bastard but I was it's only a tiny little thing yeah Glock 9 mm
00:17:57
bullet right yeah yeah it's not it's not a rifle bullet yeah just a pistol bullet
00:18:03
amazing so she pull is there much of a scar or is it just like a tiny little well not anymore but it's the actual Sur
00:18:09
The Cutting open multiple times so I had to have emergency second surgery and then in that second surgery they had to
00:18:15
cuz my my bows was were cut by the bullet and my spleen so they had to give me uh colostomy bag so now I had I was
00:18:24
basically [ __ ] out my guts from then on in for 4 months until I had a veral operation so I'm in pain 7 days a week
00:18:31
24 hours and this time I can't hide cuz a lot of things we can do we can distract ourselves more mental ises
00:18:37
there's no hiding anymore it's quite a freaky movie that everything is loud
00:18:43
bright and clear the pain the people in the room me I'm present for the first
00:18:48
time fully present and it sucks yeah actually yeah did it suck or was it was it like I don't know like a
00:18:57
weight off your shoulders in a way cuz it's like now I've finally got to face
00:19:00
the tany or whatever no no I wasn't I was nowhere near there okay I was still
00:19:04
in I was still in the multiple concrete barriers that that helped me hide all this pain so I was just like man I'm in
00:19:11
pain I was said when this shit's going to ever end so I'm still having police
00:19:15
in there my lawyer ended up having we had a court case in my room uh the lawyer was present um actually told the
00:19:22
police offer trying to rush the the the court case without them present and then
00:19:27
we at court case to get the police out of the room cuz my lawyer said I can see they're not conducive to your priests
00:19:33
and healing having them in the room stressing me out and so from that day on I didn't have police monitoring me and I
00:19:40
was a very much more peaceful well semi- peaceful healing process um my just physical pain bro you
00:19:48
when you're in physical pain you're burning your internal organs you're cut
00:19:51
open C multiple times it's hard to rest how when when does the physical pain
00:19:55
stop you're not in any pain now no no no no but it I have to so 9 weeks all up in
00:20:03
in hospitals and I have to learn how to change my own wounds I have to learn how
00:20:07
to change my own [ __ ] bags my colostomies so basically I'm dealing with my own [ __ ] every day no [ __ ] no
00:20:14
[ __ ] real [ __ ] literally my own [ __ ] and I thought this is crazy I'm having to
00:20:19
deal with this [ __ ] which is burning my my guts with they had to do emergency operation I've got my own wounds that I
00:20:26
have to tend to it's a nurse helped me so I'm having to look at this and having
00:20:30
to deal with and trying to find out how I got there m and my family I'm I'm I'm
00:20:35
recovering after I got out of family out of hospital at my family's Homestead up
00:20:39
in funger day so it's freak them out because they're bombarded by media as
00:20:43
well and no one's no one's trained in media negotiations yeah they're just trying to
00:20:49
help crazy rob their son their nephew their grandson man all right well let's let's let's go
00:20:58
backwards and then we'll go we'll go forward to the recovery and the court
00:21:01
case and stuff so um you you've dealt with the call it what you want the tanif the black dog
00:21:08
depression whatever you you this had been like a recurring thing all the way through your your adult life like I I
00:21:14
read you got um admitted to a psych ward when you were like 21 22 yes absolutely
00:21:18
21 yeah yeah yeah yeah another mental breakdown uh psychiatric unit King seat and uh put what that like well that was
00:21:26
like a crazy one for the who's nest if you've ever seen that and the chief so that's right I
00:21:32
thought it was Jack Nicholson I thought I was the sest person there um you're
00:21:36
going to nurse ratchet I don't belong here I'm not like them well that's what
00:21:39
it felt like that's what it felt like is that the right place to send um you know
00:21:43
a dude in his early 20s that's just having well you look my parents signed the papers and my parents were divorced
00:21:49
and they were like we don't know what to do with Rob this is freaking us out yeah
00:21:53
cuz I'd actually um had an incident with the police again so was that well I was
00:22:00
um I went to the farm to my dad's farm when I was 21 to go and blow my head off
00:22:05
with the 22 so the police got involved and I had to go to um [ __ ] man there was multiple
00:22:13
times multiple things yeah I read there was there was one day somewhere in your 20s where you like three times day so I
00:22:20
tried to guess myself drown myself and then the third one was to try and blow my head off so there's one little angel
00:22:25
saying on my on my shoulder saying what if it could be better and the other one's saying you know what to do let's
00:22:33
clock out let's get out of here but then so that's in your early 20s um then
00:22:39
between that and July 2009 when the the police shot you so much good stuff happened in your life so much good stuff
00:22:46
happed so there was 2007 you won some big award for a play that you did uh 2009 like just before the shooting
00:22:53
you're over in London with with some play like from an Outsiders perspective
00:22:57
everything everything was going good in your life you were humming yeah that's
00:23:01
right you had a four-year-old daughter as well at the same time yes who's now
00:23:04
19 and we'll get to that later yeah and um and I say this on the outside looked
00:23:11
like I was living the dream but my whole life was falling apart and all the shame
00:23:16
guilt and failure stopped me from telling my friend who's just as far away as you are actually I just had lunch
00:23:22
with them before I arrived so it was like all the shame guilt and failure was joing me to not say a word to tell to
00:23:30
say hey man I'm in deep distress I'm freaking out I actually didn't know I
00:23:34
didn't have the words yeah and yeah what was um what was the um I don't know if
00:23:38
you want to get into this or not but what was the cause of the um shame guilt and failure cuz like from from an
00:23:43
outside's perspective you you definitely weren't a [ __ ] failure you were doing
00:23:47
like professionally at least you were doing very well yes I was but I I suppose because I had unresolved trauma
00:23:53
which I didn't know I had all what I'll get into it's like so there's there's
00:23:58
there's a trail so every stuff that happens to us on the surface if you're
00:24:03
brave enough you follow the rabbit Warren down you'll find the core like pulling on a thread of a t-shirt or
00:24:09
something yes absolutely and it's one of the most scariest Journeys that people
00:24:13
don't want to go on that's why they have multiple therapies or or they're just on
00:24:17
the paking drugs to help num and i' I've played that game I've played that game
00:24:21
TR and drink drink my way out of the hurt so unresolved trauma and part of that was was
00:24:29
um uh I had when I was a young man I had three abortions with two girlfriends and
00:24:35
I was just all the shame that how I was too young to and they were too young and
00:24:40
the parents were no they' got a future why are we going to have you've just
00:24:42
messed up these people's lives so I'm holding on to those same gu but did you
00:24:47
Did you sort of like pressure them into it or was it a mutual you just felt prad
00:24:51
because no I was young I was like literally like 6 15 18 and then 25 why did you hold Shame about that because
00:25:01
because that's a great because I've done something wrong so if I sh if I use
00:25:06
these words right and I'll sh I'll steal them from bernee Brown how good is bne
00:25:10
brown she's not I'm a big fan I feel like she she's my auntie um but so she
00:25:15
said um guilt is I did something wrong shame is I am something wrong and I felt both of those things I did something
00:25:23
wrong I am something wrong and then when I so I'm I'm going to move forward so as
00:25:27
moved forward doing shop bro in the first year I had to go see a shrink again thanks to Mike King he shouted me
00:25:32
a shrink cuz i' hadn't seen one for a while and I had all the stuff started
00:25:37
come out being sexually molested and I thought I was holding mes memories for somebody else that's how my mind was
00:25:43
dealing with this oh you're holding like a memory stick someone gave me a memory
00:25:47
stick oh these aren't my memories I must be holding this for somebody else and I
00:25:51
didn't realize that those memories were my memories of me that I'd suppressed so
00:25:55
I've got all the stuff suppressed brother that that's and when I meet people been through trauma even worse
00:26:01
way worse than I've been we compartmentalize it to survive so we pack it away to try and move on but you
00:26:07
don't realize throughout your life your fight flight or freeze yeah and your
00:26:11
interactions you don't even know that are Guided by those three pillars and so you when you don't know
00:26:18
what's wrong with you you'll just keep continuing this this way of Behaving and
00:26:23
when I meet other people like me male and female who've been on the journey uh we've got so many similar
00:26:30
traits yeah well I've been doing this podcast for about a year and a half now
00:26:34
and I've interviewed maybe 70 or 80 people and one thing you realize is everyone is carrying around a bag of
00:26:39
[ __ ] it's just how big that bag of [ __ ] is i' I've actually found this quite
00:26:42
cathartic it's like the absolutely yeah I totally get it I I find what I do in
00:26:47
my presentations to be quite cathartic and like a physical mental spiritual Outlet to help others show them like hey
00:26:56
man you're not crazy you're hurting cuz I was told I was crazy and then other
00:27:01
that I was dismissed yeah who who told you you were crazy people were telling me crazy right and you know and think
00:27:07
about families families don't want to deal with your mental illness which is
00:27:12
I'm not blaming families I'm just saying they don't have the tools to deal with
00:27:15
it and our parents generation and our grandparents generation this was this was one of the ultimate shames to have
00:27:21
if somebody with mental having a mental breakdown so all of that stuff is buried
00:27:26
and you're dismissed you're either dismissed and dissolved or told to just
00:27:32
shut your mouth yeah cuz how how old are you what are you now I just turned 50 50
00:27:37
so you're exactly the same age as me see I've heard you do some speeches and
00:27:39
stuff and uh you've talked about how it's um it's a moldy thing or a thing
00:27:43
that happens in fos but I'm exactly the same age as you my family was the same
00:27:47
and I I went to old boy school and it's like you'd never show the BR brown stuff
00:27:51
that you're talking about you never show any sort of vulnerability You Never Cry
00:27:56
Like it was um it you know it was it was a whole it was how we were raised it was
00:28:00
the waters we were swimming absolutely brother ABS trying to sort of unpack all that and uh absolutely and then I've got
00:28:06
a father who was in the Army so he definitely father also in Vietnam War so he was dealing with his own trauma he's
00:28:14
dealing with own stuff but you don't know that cuz you're a kid right and um
00:28:17
you're a kid and you don't know that your your mom and dad are going through
00:28:20
stuff you just and sometimes you think it's your fault and what the arguments
00:28:25
are but they're dealing with real human issues human issues pay the mortgage the
00:28:30
job the kids the food the schooling you know all of that and you don't realize
00:28:35
that and so I've got way more more UT half for my parents realizing [ __ ] they're pretty young trying to work [ __ ]
00:28:41
out and Society his society's got this Unwritten rule that you get to a certain
00:28:46
age you're supposed to have your [ __ ] together oh mate I had Duncan Garner on
00:28:51
the podcast recently and we were discussing this cuz he's the same age as us it's like you know when I when I was
00:28:56
like 20 I'd see 50y olds I think that that motherfucker's got it all figured
00:29:00
out and then you get there and you're like oh no everyone's just figuring it
00:29:04
out as they go along yes the older I get the realize the less I actually know yeah and I brother you know it's like
00:29:12
releasing all of that we're holding a lot of guilt and we're all these expectations from people who don't give
00:29:17
a [ __ ] about us and and I I heard this great thing is like the best weight you
00:29:21
can lose is the weight of other people's expectations of you because that will
00:29:26
bog you down what think of you but um so before 2009 there were some um how often
00:29:33
did you have like um like an episode where things started swirling there must have been some happy periods or calm
00:29:39
periods I mean there was amazing periods like there was either way up there all was way down here yeah have you been
00:29:45
diagnosed with like bipolar or anything like oh my my former therapist said I had bipolar traits which I thought was
00:29:50
really lovely but um if I look at but if I look at Humanity man we're all bipolar
00:29:56
it's just we're all little we don't know no one wants to be diagnosed with
00:29:58
anything but I don't get caught up in the diagnosis anyway because you can be
00:30:02
caught up in that doctors are go out you're this you're bipolar you're an
00:30:05
alcoholic I'm not saying me but you know you start handing out these labels people start to think that's all they
00:30:10
are you know I I just boil it down to your hurt okay let's look at that what
00:30:16
do you need your hurt or we get stuck in this [ __ ] uh treadmill that just goes around and
00:30:23
around in circles I I just can't um I don't know like this this is the first
00:30:29
time we've met today but I've been following your work closely since um since after the 2009 incident and you
00:30:35
you've done some great work in the mental health field since then but I just can't imagine that you were not a
00:30:43
great communicator you you know what I mean like you were you were a playright a very successful playright so you're
00:30:48
good at communicating to an audience why are we not good at um speaking about your own [ __ ] that's right that's why do
00:30:54
you think actors take up acting so they can be someone else that's right why do you think artists want to
00:31:02
why do you think artists want to be doing the Arts so they can express stuff that's not directly about them but it's
00:31:07
about this thing okay dumb question no but no it's not a dumb question because
00:31:12
even artists sometimes forget um and uh and you know I've got a lot of good friends in the art still and uh I know
00:31:20
they're challenged by this because the art form is also like sometimes like religion it can be a barrier to your
00:31:26
real healing you can hide behind it it's a great barrier to hide within uh and it
00:31:32
can save you too but it's also a hindrance because you've got one thing in front of you that you're constantly
00:31:38
using to keep in front of the hurt sorry I'm putting this in the front of the mic
00:31:42
but yeah that's good yeah yeah um okay let's go to the um recovery so you're in
00:31:48
hospital seven weeks did you say nine weeks or nine weeks nine weeks did you um did they have therapists that came in
00:31:54
to see you or did you have a therapist on I tell you what I had the best I had the uh Hospital psychiatrist and she
00:32:01
turned up this 1980 suit with these big these big and was like I don't know s
00:32:07
like a this Blue Block color and she came in there she came with an assistant and she went High Rob I'm the hospital
00:32:14
psychiatrist I just want to sit down with you and and she started to ask me some questions and then she said you
00:32:19
know what's happened to you is normal for somebody with depression I was like
00:32:24
depression oh that's like that John Coan thing that I saw on the heads oh he was
00:32:28
riding hope into the sand um yeah all of that but can I just share a little on her side yeah that when she said about
00:32:34
the John Coan head when John Coan would speak about his problems on the TV and no one was around I'd be telling John to
00:32:41
shut up because him talking was irritating my demons and so as I go around australasia sometimes me talking
00:32:50
irritates other people's demons cuz they don't want to hear it they've they've
00:32:54
drunk enough done enough drugs or done enough whatever they have to squash it down and when someone else is speaking
00:33:01
as freely as you and I are on the couch over there could be somebody going what those two would shut the f up because
00:33:08
man that's freaking me out and so I understand that now before I used to think I was I was the problem by for for
00:33:15
talking about I used to I've been made to think that I was crazy cuz I was speaking out aloud what I realize that
00:33:21
you're crazy if you don't address this yeah John kwin um I I had a John kin on the podcast last year and I I
00:33:28
gave him um flowers for what he's what he's done like he he he like he he was
00:33:33
the Trailblazer in this mental like he put everything on the line I remember listening to TalkBack radio and when um
00:33:41
you know that that that there was one TalkBack host that talked about had a phrase he goes oh oh someone's got the
00:33:46
Coolin like it talked about depression flippantly and uh almost made a joke about John Kuan in a way John Kuan put
00:33:54
everything on the line absolutely and he's a big part of the reason that Mike
00:33:58
King and you and everyone else that has come since feels a little bit Freer to talk about these things yeah these
00:34:04
people were Trailblazers for me% especially as a male as a male I was talk specifically for me as a male and
00:34:11
so you know you talk about s Sir John K and Mike King Mike King helped me on my journey and um did you did you know Mike
00:34:18
before 2009 was no I mean of course I knew who he was but I didn't know him at
00:34:22
all so my mental breakdown I ended up on the nuts club which was uh the which is still going uh it's a great
00:34:29
show um talking about mental health openly and I'd never met so I met Mike King and and his right one of his
00:34:36
right-hand men uh Boris srov and I'd never heard two males ever speak so openly and vulnerably and normally about
00:34:44
mental health and it freaked me out I thought this must be an alien planet I've never heard men speak like this
00:34:49
before and it helped change the game for me not then cuz it freaked me out but much later down the track when I started
00:34:56
the shot br journey I realized where the doorway was cuz two Brave males showed me what it's like to talk normally about
00:35:02
your mental health yeah and I suppose um in a way like the nuts club and that platform that they gave you that's um
00:35:09
it's kind of like the brne brown thing it's like you show vulnerability and
00:35:12
like you put your cards on the table and then lets the other person know that it's a safe space and they can put their
00:35:17
cards on the table too but I I heard another podcast that you did and you talked about how this is way before 2009
00:35:22
in the shooting incident where you got hooked up with a priest or something and the priest tried to like get through to
00:35:28
you by sharing some of his vulnerabilities and then you responded by just saying like nah I'm all good or
00:35:35
oh it wasn't a priest it wasn't a priest it was um but I understand where they
00:35:38
coming from it was actually out Victoria Park Market in the park mhm just next door just in the park just next door so
00:35:45
somebody had seen something was wrong with Rob and um and this Mary sort of gentleman not sort of mildy gentleman a
00:35:53
brother sort of like an uncle someone said maybe you should talked to Rob and he said hey meet you up for a meet up
00:35:59
for a check oh y yeah yeah cuz we're planting trees together anyway he starts
00:36:03
sharing stuff about his personal upbringing and uh it was about child being abused as young men and what I
00:36:11
realized what he was trying to do is what I'm doing and what Mike's done and
00:36:14
what John kin has done is that he was doing the re I call it the reveal to heal so he's revealing some
00:36:19
vulnerability to open the door for me to know that it's safe to talk about something vulnerable but I was in such
00:36:26
deep Den I was going what is this guy telling me this crap for there's nothing wrong with
00:36:30
me there's nothing wrong with me I keep repeating that and in my mind cuz that's
00:36:35
how scared I was but I thought later on much later down the track after being shot after recovering I what an awesome
00:36:42
man to be that brave enough be that brave to come and talk to me and open up just a little bit about what happened to
00:36:49
him so he could reach out to me I understand it now I didn't understand it then yeah God there's um there's a lot
00:36:55
of I mean there's a lot of parallels with with you and me and our junor thankfully thankfully for me my rock
00:37:01
bottom hasn't been as deep as what yours is um but there's a lot of parallels
00:37:06
were you always a all good person yeah all good oh totally bro yes well you know it you know it when you know it you
00:37:14
know yeah I was totally and then I'll make you feel good about you too and then oh you'll leave and I'll be tired
00:37:20
like oh thank God I'll just have to put on my real face now cuz I'm just tired
00:37:25
but I wasn't always constantly mask I I suppose not constantly I suppose it's
00:37:29
just confusing why my thoughts are swirling and what I'm going a massive motional ups and downs and then you add
00:37:37
alcohol on top of that you know to try and drown it and have good times I'm going to have good times obviously what
00:37:43
goes up must come down oh no now I'm hung over and this shit's 20 times worse
00:37:47
oh and so yeah it's a depressant it's not good it's not good and know it's I
00:37:52
used to use it quite a lot yeah so um so yeah the so the recovery so you're in
00:37:58
hospital for a long time then when does the re the Stark reality of your situation kick in like the fact that
00:38:04
you're in a a whole whole lot of [ __ ] right now just when I woke up that's
00:38:09
when I woke up in the hospital room and I was like oh and my body's on fire yeah
00:38:15
no no but I mean like once you get past once you realize you know that's good
00:38:20
once you realize okay I'm I'm going to live like I literally I dodged a bullet
00:38:24
and and then then you realize the leg implications of what you've done and your the consequences for your actions
00:38:30
like what are you what does your lawyer tell you what are you looking at you think it's going to be a two it was it
00:38:35
was jail time yeah but what those charges were for for people who done if has has a criminal history like probably
00:38:44
a long criminal history so it was quite the charges were quite extreme so that the lawyer was just giving it to me
00:38:50
pretty plain plainly he said like you've got two charges which was each uh 5
00:38:55
years in jail and another two judges which is 5 years in jail look what if I can get it down to one year Rob and I
00:39:01
said I'll be dead meaning I'll take my life I was so mentally physically
00:39:05
spiritually fragile I was ready to go um I was I didn't realize also I had survivor's guilt then oh why am I still
00:39:13
alive why am I when other people have died why am I still alive so survivor's
00:39:18
guilt on top of all of that survivor's guilt about about who about me still beinging alive right why am I still
00:39:23
alive I should be dead yeah but normally I don't know when I I don't know much
00:39:28
about Survivor scope but I'd think of it in a like say a car crash situation if
00:39:31
there's you you and three other people and the other three people die and you
00:39:35
survive but yeah what do you mean survivors go with the shooting incident yeah meaning I should be dead other
00:39:41
people were successful yeah and but also let me just add to this like the hospital room next to
00:39:48
me um this young M girl was fighting for her life she had cancer she died and then I'm I'm next door going
00:39:58
I'm messed up and this girl's fighting for her life and then on the I said of 7
00:40:05
weeks in particular in that hospital a Chinese gentleman died in that same room and so I'm like going these people
00:40:14
are fighting for their lives and this a-hole this a-hole over here was trying to exed the planet so all of that guilt
00:40:22
on top of being alive and these two souls in the room right next thought of me had passed away over a period of
00:40:28
weeks in between each other did that sort of um I don't know sort of firm up your
00:40:34
resolve to live and get better in a way no no no no I was just oh no more guilt more guilt oh just Let's us wear how
00:40:42
many how many layers of guilt can I wear just to emphasize how much of a piece of
00:40:47
crap I am but what was quite surreal was people just giving their love to me turning up friends family turning up to
00:40:54
my hospital room just going with love browing me like just confused I was confused I didn't I didn't believe I
00:41:01
deserved any of this and and what do you like with the outpouring of love from uh
00:41:05
friends and family maybe even people you haven't seen for years like do you you
00:41:09
burst into tears when you see each and every one of them um sometimes I get pretty emotional like I just saw two
00:41:14
close Brothers of mine uh from the film world and I just had lunch with them and
00:41:19
it's just it's emotional because multiple reason I'm getting emotional
00:41:22
now is that these two brothers St stood by me before before during and after and
00:41:29
where some people took off some people I thought we were mates I chatted to Mike
00:41:33
King about this and he yes come on brother have a look back think back to the time same thing happened to me bro
00:41:39
these people were my friends and they took off were you are you really surprised and I was still and then a
00:41:44
couple of minutes later I came down actually you're right I perpetuated this
00:41:48
circle so I could get into this party mode to hide I'm not saying they're bad
00:41:53
anyone's a bad person it's just that I knew where to go to to if I want to
00:41:57
drown and hide there's a drowning and hiding circle called a party over here
00:42:01
yeah and if you're no longer yeah yeah yeah I get that anyone that's had like
00:42:04
drug or alcohol problems it's like um yeah you need to get rid of those friends I guess good time friends or
00:42:10
whatever yeah yeah and I didn't know that you know and I but it's good in a
00:42:14
way it's like it's like a purge isn't it's like shaking an apple tree and you
00:42:17
the what the apples that stay on the tree they they're your life is yeah and
00:42:21
and that's who we were then you know they're different now I'm different now
00:42:24
but my mates who still St stood behind me from that day and I see them man I get emotional I get emotional cuz I go I
00:42:32
just got to tell them that I love them oh yeah I love you too bro okay yeah are they b b with it now knowing
00:42:40
what you've been through are they still a bit awkward about it they are but you
00:42:43
know it's like a couple of times oh yep yep but um but that's still good because
00:42:50
that's just how they are that must be how they are in their whole life not just towards me yeah but the cool thing
00:42:55
is I am I I've got the courage to say it to their face because I mean it but
00:43:00
being a being a theater guy have you always been a I find people I know that are in theater this is a sweeping
00:43:04
generalization that they're quite they're quite Huggy touchy people have
00:43:07
you always been a Huggy a Huggy person or no were you like kind of a just a hey I think I'm not sure I'm I'm not really
00:43:15
sure I think with the Bros you're always trying to be like the Bros so whatever
00:43:19
the Bros the Bro Cod is you just follow that whatever the handshake of the week is yeah one the handshake of the week is
00:43:24
it just the fist bump is it whatever like the chair BR and you just follow that you follow that yeah but said of
00:43:30
people are Huggy people and I've turned into one of those Huggers especially I
00:43:34
want to meet genuine human beings bro I think that's I yeah I think it's good
00:43:38
I've definitely become more of a Huggy person as I've got older and more I
00:43:42
don't know in touch with my true emotions and stuff and more able to say what I'm actually thinking which I
00:43:47
think's a it's really cool I like it I like the genie I'm on same you proud of
00:43:51
the person you are today I am I am and I got to sometimes stop giving them a hard
00:43:55
time cuz he's traveled a far a long way to get here and I um what I found out is I'm doing shop
00:44:03
not found out some people reflected back to me it's like oh that young character
00:44:07
you play with is your younger self it's like your younger self was searching for
00:44:10
your older self to save you your hurt little boy was trying got you through this
00:44:16
crazy Journey with the man of tools that hurt little boy and a man's body head
00:44:21
and now this older Rob gets to look after that younger hurt little child that was stuck in
00:44:28
time yeah that's a hell hell of a journey to get to where you are now though not a
00:44:34
journey you'd worship on anyone no I wouldn't worship on anyone and I thought
00:44:38
I hated people until I got shot and when I hear people say oh that bastard needs
00:44:42
a bullet I was like well actually have have a good have a good thing about that you obviously you haven't had a bullet
00:44:49
in you once you feel it you'll realize who you don't really hate people that
00:44:53
much well I don't anyway I'll just talk about me yeah I've noticed there's been
00:44:56
a few occasions in this last what 45 minutes that you've um referred to yourself in the the third person as Rob
00:45:02
is that um is that something is that something you do intentionally like uh you know yeah I suppose sometimes I do
00:45:09
cuz I'm like I know it's me but it's like there's versions of me throughout
00:45:15
the timeline and there's different versions of Rob of me Rob more so some versions of you you feel like you're
00:45:20
talking about a different person yeah that's right that's all yes yes it feels
00:45:24
like I'm that's interesting but I know it's me yeah but I go oh that version Oh
00:45:29
the two the 2.1 which was really messed up and then I had to get to 5 what version we at now I don't know man 50
00:45:37
point I don't know how good how good okay so um then uh the court case com so
00:45:43
so you're back at home you're out of Hospital you're back at home so multiple
00:45:46
surgeries multiple court cases and now that the body's slowly starting to heal
00:45:52
I I start seeing a therapist yeah so okay so physically you're feeling good good mentally you're still [ __ ] up oh
00:45:58
mentally I'm a mess and physically I'm a mess yeah so both but you're alive I'm
00:46:03
alive but uh and I've got the love of my family around me who are freaking out
00:46:07
cuz it's not every day your son calls the police on them and in the news that
00:46:12
wanted to be dead yeah so did you have like like um Pho like re rally around so there was almost someone so you're
00:46:18
almost like on suicide watch I guess in way or not that intense I didn't feel
00:46:23
like it was maybe they maybe they felt like I've never had that but the M thing is I mean I was staying
00:46:28
down the other end of the house and my dad and my stepmom and that was they had my own space so couldn't
00:46:35
have been too concerned I mean they were concerned but you know I suppose there's
00:46:39
only so much you can do rather rather than I was a mess already I was a Miss already yeah and you I mean you can't
00:46:44
you can't keep someone in a padded room like someone's going to do what they're
00:46:47
going to do ultimately I think and yep andless should tie them up so so when do the cour case so July
00:46:56
2009 was the shooting so cuz I can't actually physically attend a court case
00:47:01
so we had the first court case in the in my hospital room yeah uh so to clear the
00:47:05
police out of there so I can actually have a healing space and then I think 2010 is when I am able to walk into a
00:47:14
courtroom um with my guts cut wide open but just stitched up yeah so had they had they given you like um a sentencing
00:47:22
indication or a sentencing range like or did you still think you in jail uh that
00:47:27
that the crown versus Rob M and the police they were trying to put Rob away from jail but the extreme you're talking
00:47:33
about him as Rob no no no no it's just an interesting observation sorry no thanks for pointing that out I don't I
00:47:38
don't realize cuz I'm doing it in shop bro when I'm talking about the multiple
00:47:42
versions of me so thanks for putting that out brother no it's not a it's not
00:47:46
a fault or anything though it's not something you should change it's just
00:47:48
interesting that the the person that's sitting in front of me now almost disassociates disassociates from that
00:47:55
that person then well I can see it clearly what I was going through so yeah he he said like we had to go through
00:48:04
multiple court cases and this lawyer was very savvy so we had to navigate these judges he knew
00:48:10
were and I'll say this very openly he said their box tickers for the police they'll just I am sweers next tick and
00:48:17
just on the conveyor belt you're on the conveyor Bel to prison and especially as
00:48:21
a mildy male you're on the conveyor Bel big time so I had a very savy awesome QC
00:48:28
lawyer who cared who cared about me when actually this and he he knew some people
00:48:34
um up in the in the law in the legal realm who actually knew me and found out actually he's not a crazy psychopath
00:48:42
what I've heard is that he's actually uh he's a decent human being who spun out
00:48:47
so I suppose I got I've got a lot to thank him I have thanked him I send him
00:48:51
my documentary once I reconnected and I think he just went oh okay well at least
00:48:55
you're not doing anything bad you're using your superpowers for good and I
00:48:58
don't don't need my surfaces again oh yeah mean you've got a second chance at
00:49:02
life oh I mean if you count up the other attempts I don't know what what number
00:49:05
of life we're up to now but it's like you're definitely not squandering it no
00:49:08
I'm not and now I get to meet you know I meet people like you Don we've never met
00:49:12
so what I really cherish is many like-minded Souls who are happy to talk about these very crunchy things so other
00:49:22
people out there in the world who don't have the words or the courage yet can breathe a sigh of relief and go okay
00:49:30
maybe I can get to that stage I'm just right down here at the moment struggling
00:49:34
yeah so I appreciate you brother that's what I'm trying to say I I appreciate
00:49:37
you too as I was saying before from doing this podcast you realize that everyone's carrying a bag of [ __ ] it's
00:49:41
just how big that bagg of [ __ ] is and um and I'd like to think people can go can
00:49:46
can hear your story and go okay well he got through that I can get through this relationship breakup job loss you know
00:49:54
this guilt that I've got for whatever it happens to be absolutely and and if I
00:50:00
could just give I just try and drop real simple gems for people I was like you didn't choose the hurt but you can
00:50:05
choose the heal cuz we get stuck in here yeah oh well that's it can't change
00:50:10
anything well I was like well you're not a tree bro you can move so um I was like
00:50:14
oh I can move too I can move to help but it's just trying to it's easier said
00:50:19
than done when you're when you're in that fight or flight all the time and
00:50:22
you're it's like you're literally walking through a storm that no one can
00:50:24
see yeah yeah yeah yeah so uh what happens in court oh mult so the so the lawyer is amazing lawyer is
00:50:33
amazing um what do you get like Community some community service so the lawyer got me out of the prison sentence
00:50:41
I mean look like it makes sense right like prison why would why would they send you
00:50:46
to prison well because this is another I I know you like you [ __ ] up monumentally but like prison's not a
00:50:52
place to S someone that's just mentally mentally unwell and running in their
00:50:55
life yeah so this is how the lawyer told it to me he said look Rob because you were filmed on the street by the news
00:51:04
and the public saw you they they need the police to and the crown to to see you publicly get your ass kicked mhm so
00:51:14
he's basically said make an example of yeah yeah he basically said it's a gray
00:51:17
area and I and as M up as the system is I actually created that event so I can't
00:51:22
blame anybody for that event other than myself so I created this event which took a
00:51:27
long time for me to get my head around by the way I was blaming everybody in the world but me you did how long how
00:51:33
long did it take you for the um acceptance or ownership couple years years I'd say a couple of years right
00:51:39
who were you who were you who were you pointing the finger at oh everybody it's
00:51:43
everybody's fault the police's fault it's the police fault it's people who
00:51:47
the police should have had tasers instead of the gun yeah and the police uh or everybody in my life it was their
00:51:53
fault and I was actually had my cousin and his wife who love me and they said hey um you know if you didn't call the
00:52:01
police on yourself and they knew I was mentally fragile and I didn't like hearing that
00:52:07
bro I didn't like hearing it cuz when you're hurting you need someone to blame
00:52:12
you called them on yourself so actually it's you it sounds like they told you in
00:52:18
a really uh nice gentle way though like not not giving you a boot up the ass just bro I was like they could tell was
00:52:25
like mentally un I was unstable fragile physically fragile mentally spiritually all of that they saw that but I really
00:52:32
love them for that cuz I hated hearing it well it's a bit of bit of pill to swallow isn't it no one wants to yeah no
00:52:40
one wants to hear that so you get through the court case um and excuse the pun but did it feel like
00:52:47
you dodged a bullet sorry no no I'll edit that out that was terrible you can keep it in
00:52:53
there bro if you want uh I did feel like do because I thought if they did go to prison I literally was going to take my
00:52:59
own life cuz I waso I was paper thin mentally fragile my whole guts were still cut wide open um everything
00:53:06
mentally spiritually messed up but so I did feel like I dodged a bullets um and I was very grateful it's okay for you to
00:53:13
say it but I feel like I can't say it it's not my joke that's right I pinched
00:53:17
it off you um shot bro and um see and us normalizing the thing about to talk about mental health and and mental break
00:53:25
got to put light on the humor is helping to relieve the the heaviness of what you're talking about so I totally get it
00:53:31
um and I was very grateful cuz oh cool I don't have to take my life now where I
00:53:35
was going to do that before so was that does that sort of feel like so when when
00:53:39
um the sentencing happened so you've got that big this this big sort of hurdle or you
00:53:45
obstacle or whatever you want to call it in your life over and done with was that
00:53:48
the point where you feel like you could take a deep breath and start rebuilding uh yeah kind of just that
00:53:55
that was just one step out I had to rebuild like I was still mentally physically walking wreck and so
00:54:02
navigating all of that having to change my own wounds was a good lesson of like you have to deal with your own [ __ ] Rob
00:54:07
literally and you have to what's involved with changing your changing your dressing uh so your cluster me bag
00:54:13
okay so they so stop going to the toilet through your bells and now you're out
00:54:18
your stomach and they put you lower or large intestine and they poke it out and so because it was emergency operation
00:54:24
it's burning your feces my feces was burning the [ __ ] out of my skin so basically I'm trying to clean the wound
00:54:32
and get a clean FR and you're literally trying to hang have a social trying to
00:54:36
be normal human go to a supermarket or a cafe with a friend and you shirt yourself all have your T-shirt and I'm
00:54:43
sprinting out of that Cafe as fast as I can so learning how to navigate that uh it's a lot and seeping my guts are still
00:54:50
seeping out uh so I had to keep changing cleaning my wounds cuz they to cut me open from the belly button to lower
00:54:58
chest so I'm never getting that as well as as just trying to be normal find out
00:55:04
what normal was that's right was trying to what is normal is there any normal
00:55:09
yeah so there's a couple of people had on the P podcast I've had this um former
00:55:12
wakeboarder called Brad Smiler who's now a quadriplegic and he's got a permanent
00:55:16
colostomy bag and I had di Henwood on who's had Bale cancer and he had um a colostomy bag for for a while and I
00:55:24
suppose I don't I suppose in their position because they didn't really bring it on themsel you could have like
00:55:31
an element of self- petty did you did you have sort of self Petty oh I had tons of it did you I was writing about
00:55:37
I'm a writer I was writing I was trying to write it all out trying to write it
00:55:40
out of me to get I don't know I was because it was burning my my skin I was basically writing about that and I was
00:55:48
moaning about it until I was at my friend's barbecue and my my mate's dead
00:55:52
he goes oh you got one of those too and he pulls the shoot up and I said said how long's yours on for when you went
00:55:56
life and I just shut my mouth I stopped it cuz cuz you knew yours was only temporary yeah cuz mine was 4 months and
00:56:05
I thought what are you moaning about Rob so you know every you know your pain everyone's pain and hurt is valid is
00:56:11
just get a perspective when you meet somebody who's going through something even bigger for Life yeah there's there
00:56:17
there's um a saying I've seen on um Instagram that comparison is the theft
00:56:20
of joy and it's true it's a good one but you can always compare down and there is
00:56:24
always someone worse off than what you are absolutely and but also people get caught in the Pain Olympics like my pain
00:56:31
is worse than anybody's in the world and no one's ever going to understand and
00:56:34
then on the podium you got the bronze medalist going oh my pain is hurting me every day but it's not as bad as that
00:56:39
person's cuz they're telling me but pain is pain brother hurt is hurt it's just
00:56:43
getting a perspective no winner and there's no winner yeah there's no winner
00:56:47
okay so um the court case is over with we're rebuilding Rob when do you start
00:56:52
to come right how long is it so July 2009 yesterday yeah oh I'm sorry I I understand you're still a work in
00:56:58
progress if you're if you're um suffer from mental illness it's it's never
00:57:02
going to fully go away and it's a constant work on um but when did you start to feel like your your old self
00:57:07
again or your new self again well it's interesting because you as you're
00:57:11
healing you have to change your ways because can't physically do this can't
00:57:15
physically do that mentally it's hard because your body's not working you have
00:57:20
to evolve and now as I got better physically I started to go back to my old dumb ways like let's have some beers
00:57:27
let's get on it and I mentally started to fall down again I went what's wrong
00:57:31
I'm back I'm like I'm feeling fit again what's wrong with me it's like are you
00:57:35
idiot you can't go back to the old ways now in my Evolution and anyone's healing
00:57:41
Evolution you have to keep moving forward if you try to go backwards you're going to sink back down to where
00:57:48
you were yeah and that's that happened to me a few times that's okay I mean I
00:57:52
was I was with with good people but when I realiz realized that I was like oh [ __ ] this is not good for my mental
00:57:57
health yeah and um what about medication you on medication now no my new medication is BJJ BJJ Brazilian
00:58:04
jiu-jitsu oh oh is it really I just taken it up I'm like I'm pretty new but
00:58:09
I have a lot of friends who uh have done this yeah a lot of people swear by it I
00:58:13
a lot of podcast absolutely and but the key thing I made of Mind said say it's
00:58:18
mental and spiritual health because you're physically in your body you know and oh go you know you tried a couple of
00:58:23
free classes I tried a couple of free classes I was hooked and now it's it's
00:58:27
one of the many tools that I have on my healing tool belt yeah so it's a physical
00:58:32
Outlet uh cuz you're very present cuz if you're not you got somebody about to
00:58:36
choke you out are you so you're very much not thinking about what's happening
00:58:40
in 10 20 minutes time or 20 minutes ago you're like I'm very present um and I
00:58:46
really enjoy it and I enjoy that comaraderie amongst the club and team and it it's just it's just bloody good
00:58:52
for my wellbeing yeah what what else have you got your talk about cuz I don't
00:58:55
think there's um when it comes to like a mental health plan or resilience plan or
00:58:59
whatever you want to call it I don't think there's a one siiz fits all you
00:59:02
got to you got to do the work yourself and find out what's right for you but
00:59:05
what else you got do you do journaling you do any ice baths or cold water therapy well look I go to the ocean when
00:59:11
it's cold I go ocean when it's a hot day rainy day sunny day I'll go to a river a
00:59:15
lake cold water is the best cold water is good for me and uh and I I do purification meaning like I go in there
00:59:22
doing cut here for myself to wash off what I don't need hanging around me especially after I finish shot BR
00:59:28
presentations uh midi midy Romy Rommy which are mildy forms of massage which are physical and spiritual or if I can't
00:59:34
find a mighty massuse I'll go to Tai cuz Ty you can crunch the crap out of me um
00:59:40
and fold me upside down and I really enjoy that physical like loosening up the limbs and so I've got multiple and I
00:59:49
share this with everybody I've got a tight three three people that I trust with my life I can text or call anytime
00:59:56
night or day and I encourage other people to get a tight three because it's too much for one person to hold and the
01:00:02
good thing about my tight thre it's grow to five people that I trust in my life
01:00:07
um is that if you're swirling that person's there to help you and if you're
01:00:12
the person helping the one swirling and it's too much for you you call in the
01:00:16
other people so you're you're putting a circle of utle heart and hope around
01:00:20
that one person and the three of you or five of you can navigate it better than one so it's basically to even the load I
01:00:27
think that's a good idea as a formal sort of I mean you hear about people that go to Alcoholics Anonymous and they
01:00:32
have a sponsor you know someone that they can call anytime day or night but we don't do that for mental health do we
01:00:36
and um and but everyone says everyone says like a if you're of a feeling down
01:00:41
you give me a call day or night but it's feels like it's just lip service yeah
01:00:45
and that's why I've taken I took it that step to go I'm going to nominate these
01:00:49
people and formalize it and formalize it and you know it's okay if they go oh
01:00:53
actually it's it's a bit too much for me bro go okay thanks now I know uh this
01:00:57
person over here this another person so you just build and I've heard people say
01:01:01
I don't have a tight I don't have a tight one in my circle and I've actually
01:01:04
said to them sounds like your circle is crap um if you can't ask one person in
01:01:09
your circle to be you know a a guardian a kitaki you better change a circle bro cuz that means you it's not a safe place
01:01:17
to be I like that so when did the when did the decision come to tour do shop bro as I said at the beginning I I
01:01:26
watched this on YouTube last night and anyone can watch it um it's it's a hard
01:01:31
watch and after watching it last night I thought a you know it must be exhausting for you
01:01:37
to even come over here today and like chat about this for an hour no no no this is my everyday because it's not
01:01:43
heavy for me it's not it's not heavy for me it was heavy for me it's light for me
01:01:49
do I still have shed some tears about it sometimes yeah but it's no way near as
01:01:54
heavy as it's ever been for me I'm at probably the best shape mentally physically spiritually that I've ever
01:02:00
been at but I know that I got to keep working on it I can't can't just stop
01:02:04
like go on cruise mode because I'll start to slip backwards I've actually
01:02:09
the thing about prevention is you've got to be actually putting into action you
01:02:13
got to be actioning it's great to have all these tools but if you're not
01:02:16
practicing any of these tools daily then it's just great thoughts and ideas oh
01:02:21
yeah and then when when the [ __ ] hits the fan and you go and grab the tool youen actually used it before you're
01:02:26
like oh well I dropped it oh oh grab the other one oh dropped it too oh God and all of a sudden you've got had a great
01:02:34
you think you've got these great tools which you've never practiced using and I
01:02:38
had to figure out that the hard way bro that happened to me so many times yeah yeah that's great that's a great one
01:02:43
that's a great one and then when the [ __ ] the fan they'd all fall out on the
01:02:45
floor and I got I was lost again yeah but that's the thing I mean the easiest
01:02:49
time to do the work is when you don't need it eh but it's like I mean who does
01:02:53
that you know what I mean it's like I don't need it I'm all good totally until
01:02:58
you're not and that's what I I used to do that all the time but now I've had to
01:03:02
use these tools and I encourage other people to use whatever tools you need cuz we're all same same but different
01:03:08
and you might need a little different variation of this so figure out what you need and when you're swirling in that
01:03:14
storm of s a suicide audiation and you're brave enough to go bro I'm spinning out I need help right now the
01:03:21
best advice I've ever got and it's from my first cousin Clint Edmunds he said to
01:03:24
me on the phone what do you need cousin cuz you could hear that I was distressed
01:03:28
and I'd never everybody have ever heard anyone ask me what I need and I realized
01:03:33
why cuz I never told anybody I've been suicidal so to have somebody actually
01:03:38
listen without judgment not go oh man we we better medicate you or jeez we better
01:03:42
call the cops or call the ambulance it's like there's no Panic the person who I
01:03:46
trust in my life number one on my daring list is my cousin just asking me what I
01:03:49
need and what I really like about that is it puts the ball back in that person's Court to figure out what do I
01:03:55
need because no one's ever asked me do I need to cry do I need to go to the gym
01:04:00
do I need to hit the punching bag go to the ocean I don't know but at least now
01:04:04
someone's put it in your court to ask what you need so it's actually having to
01:04:09
build the capacity getting the person to build it for themselves by giving them a
01:04:13
platform to to work off and did I um did I did I hear this on a podcast or did I
01:04:19
hear this somewhere um after one of your shows of shop BR um you got bash someone
01:04:25
oh yes my cousin one my own yeah my own cousin really my own cousin so we don't
01:04:31
have alcohol around shoper anymore okay um was just the Catalyst oh yes so so when we so occasionally we'd been to I'd
01:04:39
like say International theater festivals you know Everyone likes to grab a wine we'll grab a beer we'll grab a champagne
01:04:44
and we'll watch this thing about suicide for some weird reason they want to drink
01:04:48
so we're at this Art Gallery it's an art gallery in in the small community of
01:04:52
tanata and um Tam it is our host he's an awesome host oh cool yeah he's an awesome host I me
01:04:58
my new cousin i' never met before what I didn't realize was he's had his own
01:05:03
issues and um Everybody not everybody I always say actually most people were drinking
01:05:09
alcohol before I was even presenting getting some PR and no getting yeah that's it pre drinks and and um this
01:05:18
cousin i s of listened to my instinct he said yeah I'm feeling real nervous about
01:05:23
what you're about to do and I'm thinking oh I because I didn't know I was like
01:05:26
we're related how cool I've got a new cousin this is awesome that's what I'm
01:05:31
thinking and he I feel uncomfortable about what you're doing I was like why I
01:05:34
haven't even started oh it's going to be sweet is so he keeps getting on the piss
01:05:38
people are drinking and laughing he's ring on the piss he in the first five minutes he's just brooding he's brooding
01:05:44
he he he does he goes to the I Shar this in shop bro so stuff that happens to me
01:05:49
on my life Journey gets put into side shop bro that presentation oh so the play just keeps getting longer and
01:05:54
longer well well I edit something but the thing is it just it highlights that if somebody is swirling already and they
01:06:04
got this mask on that they're this person in society and you at alcohol and drugs it amplifies that by a thousand so
01:06:15
what people are drinking I had a couple of beers that night and I was like okay I feel good I'm getting so much love
01:06:19
from the community I didn't realize that cousin was still drinking and sizing me
01:06:23
up yeah he was waiting to he waiting for the last person to leave to smash me over I didn't realize that so what
01:06:29
happened took me by surprise and I didn't take it too seriously because I better talk my way we'll just get this
01:06:34
calm down but I didn't realize how drunk he was and what in a he was in a fury
01:06:39
bro so Tomy it ended up saving my life cuz this dude knocked me to the ground he was quite a big boy and I was like oh
01:06:46
[ __ ] I'm in big trouble I Mis read this whole situation with with my rose tinted
01:06:51
glasses going oh oh man he's going to oh this C looking at me cuz he loves me no
01:06:55
this cousin wants to smash the [ __ ] out of me cuz he's hiding from his own stuff
01:07:00
and drinking up a storm so from that t saved my life very grateful very grateful to him we make sure there's no
01:07:08
alcohol around shop bro because it goes into those crunchy P parts that you're
01:07:13
hiding and I say this to everybody alcohol and drugs amplify your internal tanif or mental distress times a
01:07:20
thousand and um and at one International Arts Festival I forgot to tell the festival not to open the bar and they
01:07:28
add had a mini panic teack and was like yeah we're in wies and I said can you
01:07:32
shut the bar why this is how we make money cuz and I was oh this happened and blah BL blah oh [ __ ] you didn't tell us
01:07:39
I know anyway I explain why I feeling nervous about everybody drinking and this lady came up to me afterwards
01:07:45
really well to do lady and she went you know what Rob why are we drinking coming
01:07:50
to a suicide prevention play you made me question why we're all drinking well we
01:07:55
should actually be having a cup of tea or water to actually OBS process and I thought at least one person got it the
01:08:01
other people like well it's sh the bar for man I'm going to get on it this
01:08:05
guy's crazy this is Netflix on steroids and um I totally understand it we we're
01:08:10
in a drinking culture which normalizes certain things and if you don't question
01:08:13
it we'll just continue these habits I'm not saying it's a bad thing but we're
01:08:18
around mental health and mental distress no drinking bro yeah I I feel like there
01:08:22
is um there's like a turning of the tide when it comes to alcohol like uh you
01:08:27
know I feel like if you if you go out there and you say I'm not going to drink
01:08:31
you're not going to get the same sort of judgment you would have got even like
01:08:33
five or 10 years ago I don't know maybe I'm wrong about that no everyone's bit
01:08:36
more bit more chilled out depends what circles you are suppose yeah you know the more the manlier manlier ones come
01:08:43
on bro what you want a bloody lemonade or something 0.0 why are you bothering yeah why are you just go home um but
01:08:51
that's okay that's cool man I'm down with that I laugh at that that doesn't
01:08:55
mean you know I don't take it personally yeah and um when you get out of bed in
01:08:59
the morning now and you look in the mirror you do you like the Rob that you saying yeah I I I take my mental health
01:09:05
very daily I do like uh the T tapaa which is the four walls four pillars uh mental physical spiritual and family and
01:09:13
environment just the fifth one and I check in on those every day inside myself how am I mentally how am I
01:09:19
physically how am I spiritually how is my father manying my two daughters in particular and uh my partner and my
01:09:28
environment and I go cool my environment is safe so I'm all about safe places
01:09:32
brother so daily I'm checking on my mental health every morning yeah I wake up like that okay got a sore knee okay
01:09:39
getting old BJJ you're an old man okay ouch ow s back and knee okay but I'm
01:09:46
okay but how's but how's the mind I'm okay with the body yeah you're welcome
01:09:49
to the 50s and but it's cool bro and I've got a that's how my diagnostic my
01:09:53
daily diagnostic I forgot to um bring up and ask you some questions about your your daughter so she was 4 years old at
01:10:00
the time so when like when did she find out about things or how did she find out about
01:10:04
things well she was in the hospital coming to visit me we didn't tell her yeah at four I suppose she doesn't need
01:10:10
to know doesn't need to know she just needs to know Dad's sick and needs love
01:10:14
and she would turn up with my ex partner I'm really good friends with and um and
01:10:20
just hold my hand and walk me around the ward like she was the adult and I was the
01:10:24
because I had to relearn how to walk again so my 19-year-old now still doesn't want to see sh bro but my
01:10:32
12-year-old daughter has seen sh bro about five times throughout with her mom and her aunties and her cousins and and
01:10:38
her big thing for me is like Dad that's not going to happen again is it and I
01:10:43
was like well actually thanks for asking but no because Dad was hurt angry scared
01:10:47
confused and dad's got more tools now dad knows he needs to talk about his emotions so um we're allowed to talk F
01:10:54
and also I'm making sure she knows that she's got promotion to talk about her
01:10:57
Emotions Don't bottle that [ __ ] up man that explodes yeah that's it doesn't go
01:11:02
anywhere does it it needs to be addressed sooner or later and uh if you address these things as they come along
01:11:07
it saves that pile of dirty laundry from getting bigger and bigger absolutely why
01:11:12
why does the um so the the the she was four at the time she's 19 now why does
01:11:17
she not want to say it too hard yes it makes her too emotional she knows what happened to Dad she knows what happened
01:11:22
to me it's just that like I don't want to see it and feel it just she gets sad
01:11:26
you know it's like Dad I don't want to see you looking hurt I don't want to see
01:11:28
you even though we just hang out on the weekend having a great time watching Netflix eating movie I mean not eating
01:11:34
movies eating popcorn and ice cream still it's okay that's where she's at
01:11:38
emotionally and mentally like I don't want to see Dad in that space yeah well
01:11:43
imagine like how how how different her life would have been like had you been successful absolutely absolutely um and
01:11:51
I and I've had a lot that's a that's a lot for a kid to carry around absolutely
01:11:55
so I had a friend of mine so when I survived this as I'm on the healing process of hospitals I had a friend of
01:12:01
me friend of mine said female said to me I'm really grateful to see you alive and
01:12:07
doing well I didn't tell you this but my dad took his life and I was like what
01:12:13
I've known this lady for quite a few years and I never knew that and she say
01:12:18
I'm I'm the I'm the Survivor of a of a parent who took his life yeah and I was
01:12:23
like I didn't I felt instant UT half for her I mean she's a good person already
01:12:28
but but that really Amplified my survival yeah for my especially for both daughters but for my eldest in
01:12:37
particular yeah that's really powerful stuff um this is probably a great place
01:12:42
to end it but um I I know you've uh given the the police officer involved um
01:12:47
a letter but you don't know what the response was it's very unlikely but say
01:12:51
he was to ever view or listen to this podcast what what would you what would you want him to hear just what I wrote
01:12:57
in the letter I am truly sorry I created that event and put you in that situation
01:13:03
I wasn't myself I was somebody who was swirling in unresolved trauma spinning
01:13:08
out of control so my idol heart to you and your family and I hope that you're
01:13:13
safe and healing and please um know that if I could meet you with my good friend Lance budet former police
01:13:22
negotiator over coffee sometime uh that would be amazing Lance B actually said to me Rob I'm a policeman who had a
01:13:29
mental breakdown on the police force i' be i' be happy to facilitate so if that
01:13:34
person is out there just want to send my utoh heart my respect and just say I'm
01:13:39
sorry I'm really truly sorry and I'm using this now to help people and also
01:13:43
I'm trying to get into the police because I get invited into military bases by the way uh and so the police
01:13:49
have been cting me cuz I'd be able to help them of how to deal with somebody
01:13:53
mental distress and help police look at their own internal systems how to look after themselves yeah so that's a
01:13:59
process that comes in and out of the light by with occasional emails yeah and I mean whether or not that um police
01:14:06
officer involved I suppose he's a victim in this thing as well yes absolutely
01:14:10
whether or not he's forgiven you I that's that's out of your hands but have
01:14:13
you forgiven yourself uh yes I have I have now that I've unpacked where it all
01:14:18
came from I understand how that happened and and I explained that in the documentary and I explained this in shop
01:14:26
bro uh forums after shop bro presentations it's kind of like my friend said well I see what you've done
01:14:31
Rob you've synthesized she I was what she you've synthesized therapy theater
01:14:38
and multiculture to create our healing package I went have I okay I'm going to
01:14:42
pinch that but I want to share this a lot of people helped me get here brother I didn't when I didn't believe in myself
01:14:49
when I didn't think I was worthy enough along this journey so I've a lot of Faro
01:14:54
and friends and new friends who've helped me on this journey to be here today I feel like that's a great place
01:15:01
to end it yeah keep doing your great work you too brother yeah there's a reason you survived and you're
01:15:05
definitely not squandering ad I appreciate that thank you brother thanks for this
01:15:09
[Music] podcast