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[Music] Melissa vangi certified holistic sex Co welcome to my podcast thank you thanks
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for having me this this is the first um I've never done anything like this before on the podcast um so it's going
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to be it's going to going to be interesting because a lot of people are very strange about sex aren't they yeah
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yeah I think they get embarrassed ashamed scared what why do you think why do I know it's a very very intimate
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thing and a lot of people are very private but why do you think some people are or actually a lot of people are
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funny about I don't know even hearing a podcast about it totally yeah I I just
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spoke to my nail lady today and she said that her friend wanted to follow me but
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then she said oh but people see un following a sex coach and I feel like that's society I feel like it's cultural
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potentially religion um and also the fact that we don't talk about it enough
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and so people are unsure how to talk about it Unsure how to navigate conversations or topics around it it's
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still very taboo um so yeah I think those are a few reasons why people hold back from leaning into it yeah well this
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is going to be fun because I put on Instagram you're coming here yeah and there was no shortage of questions like
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there's just so so so many so we'll get into all them but first of all um let's
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get to know you a little bit um so your name is Melissa vangis certified holistic sex coach um I was looking at
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your LinkedIn page so from 20 2005 to 2011 you're an events man events director yeah then uh 2011 to 2020 um
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working on the super yacht yeah yeah and and then um since 2020 six coach yeah crazy career pivot so so how old were
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you in 2020 um oh my God okay I'm 36 now so 32 mess 32 okay so why so I went to this
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Workshop I was in baliy this is how tracking back just before I go to this Workshop I've always been curious about
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sex and pleasure and when I was in B I did a solo trip went to B booked into this
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workshop and it was called understanding sex and I was like no one's going to
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know that I go to this Workshop no one's going to know I don't have to tell
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anyone and so already there was shame that I was going to learn something about this it was all for woman and we
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went there and it was woman of all ages and we started learning about just the female anatomy erogenous zones pleasure
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um breast massage all different types of V V like it blew my freaking mind I was
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like at that time I was 28 and I thought how do I not know this about my body how
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do I not know this about my stuff how do I not know this about sex everyone's
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doing it no one's talking about it and so that for me was just this pivotal moment of my life that I was just hungry
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for more because it actually felt so empowering learning about my intimate body in this way and being able to
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relate and connect with my partner on a much deeper level therefore experiencing
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more pleasure so it was just this moment that I'm like I need more I need more I need
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more and I just started traveling around the world at that time I was working on
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Super yachs um and so I could just whenever I had time off I would go to these Retreats I would go to these
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trainings in Mexico and B and Australia and Europe and just learn and learn and learn and and I did that for four years
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before I started a professional career out of it cuz I listen into a heap of um podcast that you've been on an
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anticipation of this so um correct me if I've got anything wrong but from what I
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can gather um you're in a relationship and the reason you went to Barley solo
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is you were deciding if you wanted to break up with the guy or not yes well done and so you ended up you ended up
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dumping him I did yeah I did right not straight after the workshop um a couple of years later okay all right you know
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we need to stay in relationships for twoo long like yeah I should have done I should have done it two years and and
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from another podcast um you you described yourself as like a reformed party girl yes so I'm guessing your your
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partying would have been done like through through your 20s so totally you would have had potentially like a lot of
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horrible sexual experience a lot of terrible one night stands from remember right right so okay so you go
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to B with the intention of was it sort of like it was a new so was it sort like a Eat Pray Love yeah totally totally
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yeah I was there on on my own and it was just kind of I was seeing friends but totally e Pray Love Vibes yeah yeah so
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so you returned home and you're with that guy for another two years yeah was
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that because of the stuff you learned you thought maybe I can try and save the relationship with I think it was because
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we're working on boats together we're in a relationship working on boats together
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um a part of me didn't want to I still very much loved him but my intuition in
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my gut was like this is not the right one for you and so I think I just stayed trying to not necessarily fix it due to
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like the sex or the relationship but just hang in there to see to to be proved that it wasn't the right
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relationship and two years later oh God everyone's guilty of that yeah totally um so so what set of
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trainings involved you did like a a full-time one-year course yep y so I did a one-year certification um and then
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prior to that um I was in India for a couple of weeks where I did another training with the sex ologist and then
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just bits and pieces like some weekend stuff another little week long lots of online stuff um but yeah the big
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certification was a year-long one with a teacher called Lea Martin who's incredible so so what's that like so
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when you when you're doing a full-time sex course like when you get home and
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you're like I can't wait to try this stuff out with my partner or is it like
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you get home and it's like oh don't even put that thing away no um no so it was all online so at the
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schools based in uh the states it's all online but the start of the program is
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very much your own personal Journey so you're actually not diving into being a
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coach or therapist or or holding space for anyone until you've been on like a
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six month or five to six month Journey yourself uh and then you start learning how to hold space for others because you
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the tools have been integrated into your body your system therefore you can understand how it may feel for somebody
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else which I think is so important um and then yeah another six months going into like the professional side of
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holding space and and yeah and then what was the reaction like like when you tell
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your parents or your wider family so supportive really so supportive I'm so lucky I've got a very open um minded
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family both my mom and my dad I've grown up it's been open um ever since I can
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remember which I'm I'm so glad I mean BJ like a boss I'm sure that's probably
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like you know pushing it with Dad but he is so supportive he he will never say anything whenever I tell him about it
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you know how quickly it's sold out or podcast I'm being on he's just like I'm
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so proud of you but I know that it definitely pushes the envelope yeah yeah BJ like a boss we we'll get into that in
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great detail because you've sort of gone like viral for that it it's it's really
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sort of like um in terms of your career growth um I feel like it's been exponential it's been like a Tipping
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Point it has it absolutely has wildly and would have never guessed that yeah so um yeah you talking about your dad I
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think about my mom like she's super supportive listens to every podcast I do
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but I feel weird about fair enough yeah fair enough dad started following me and
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then I put up something called um 10 [ __ ] affirmations like things that you should be saying and dad said to Mom I
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think I'm going to start unfollowing meliss well what are what's the what's
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the [ __ ] affirmations can you remember what some of them are yeah what you like
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your beautiful like I love you um you know things that you would want things that you'd say to your best friend or to
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yourself or somebody say that to this part of your body a lot of people are disconnected you know you could be
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saying it to your genitals as well it's just things that you would say to kind
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of like bring good energy positive energy down to that right so guys could do that as well yeah I'm [ __ ]
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affirmations you're you're not Jack know what they say on you are you are a big
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boy um what what's the what's the worst sex you've had like personally God worst sex
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I probably don't remember it um no I do it'll be somebody trying to think back I I would
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have been drunk and probably performing I would have faked an orgasm I can see the person I can see the person and it
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was just [ __ ] you know it's where you go I'm I'm doing everything that they think
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or that I think they would want and disregarding my body and my pleasure and then you leave just going what the hell
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was the point in that and that's so common you know just to get validation that that I'm wanted or that I belong or
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whatever it is you know so I think yeah it's um and what are there if any in your
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professional experience the most common sex x from both women and men sex x well I can I mostly I work with women
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so I can probably really speak into that but I would say and this is in heterosexual relationships is men coming
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into the bedroom and just thinking that they're know at all and won't take
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feedback you know they highly offended if their woman wants to try and guide them to do something else is that where
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you get well I didn't have any complaints from any previous Partners well my last partner loved that
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move like I'm not your last partner that does happen my my my um my first serious
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girlfriend she really loved like having her nipples um bitten like quite hard yeah and then after that my very
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immediate relationship afterwards I chomped down on the nipples she's like what was
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that get back tiger okay so um so BJ like a boss uh we where was this idea born um it was an
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online Workshop that was created um just out of I kept getting these questions coming up from women speaking about
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[ __ ] and like how do I um do like what about if I get S jaw what about if you know these questions that just keep
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coming out related to [ __ ] but also actually it's a bit wider than just [ __ ] it's men's pleasure as a whole
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women are yearning to learn how to pleasure their men and so yeah we just kind of niched it down and went into um
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jobs and it blew up like online it was one of the most brought courses and then I just
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decided to bring it out into the public which was very edgy and scary and I did not know how it would
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go yeah I can't imagine the anxiety you head around that completely oh my God I
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was I just I said to one of my girlfriends when I was walking I was like have I lost the plot am I like what
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what are people going to think of me doing a [ __ ] Workshop what like how am I not going to or how am I going to
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make this at least Chic and not tacky because it has the ability to be very tacky you know some if you're like see
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guys I'm off to a BJ Workshop like you know what do you think it's definitely
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not like in a beautiful restaurant everyone dressing up with champagne and like goodie bags which is what BJ like a
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bosses so I really wanted it to be like girls night out like you get dressed up you put your heels on you drink
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champagne and you suck suck dildos so so what are the dildos like just like a a suction cap yeah suction
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capup pink glittery dildo I wish I brought one with with the balls as well absolutely oh God you oh you can't just
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do a half job right and and and who so is it um is it like um hens parties that come along or is it groups of strangers
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it's a variety so it all started out doing private H so A girlfriend of mine
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said Mal can you do us a solid we've got a hens party coming up can you do a
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[ __ ] workshop and I was like whoa I've never done that before and like I'm
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I'm prepared but I'll get a bag of carrots and like sure I'll come and do
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the workshop with you so we had a bag of carrots we had condoms I printed our little brochure and then Word of Mouth
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just spread and people like hey I heard you did this work a [ __ ] Workshop my friend's head d d one week I had like
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four people messaging me about this one carat [ __ ] Workshop that I did I was like there's there's a need for it and
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last summer was my first summer where it was it was pretty much booked out and I
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upgraded from the carrots to the pink suction cup Dil so yeah and I've heard
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you on like podcast talking about this and it's a I think it's a really important thing it's not about um
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because a lot of people be like well why you know why do I care you know um and and people will say statistically only
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half half half of people involved in a [ __ ] will be having a good time um but this is I've heard you talk about
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you talk about quite passionately passionately it's um just as much about um the The Giver as the receiver
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absolutely it doesn't it should be it shouldn't be called a [ __ ] should
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just be called like giving H but I believe and this is the whole intention of BJ like a boss is teaching women how
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to pleasure men through a female Focus lens so it's not like you're not getting
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down on your knees and you're not doing the deed and going okay well you finish
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it are you done you can actually enjoy it too and I think that's a big part that's missing in the education around
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this is when you're enjoying it and your partner's enjoying it there's more
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energy there's more excitement there's more juiciness there's more passion
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there's more aliveness and that's what makes good sex so instead of being
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someone who's just like okay let's tick this off it's your birthday you know true and your birthday
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Ann yeah um it can be so much more than that and I think that's that's what I just
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love teaching woman it doesn't have to be a job and even if after the workshop
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it still feels like a job that's okay you don't have to enjoy it but there are
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ways that you can enjoy it too when you're in your body when you know the targeted zones to to hit it gives you
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more confidence therefore you're more on board and the the the women that attend
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are they for the most part signing themselves up I'm just thinking if you AB you're I'm thinking it's it's my
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partner's birthday today if I gave her a voucher this morning you can't do it um
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yeah I feel like that could be seen as offensive absolutely I don't think you
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can do that I don't I had this conversation a while ago and it's like you can't tell your part you can't book
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your partner into up skill in the bedroom unless you're involved and you're doing something together it's
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like babe let's do this Workshop so we can um work on our communication skills
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or let's do this thing where we can both learn how to get better at giving head but no not a great
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present so so every turns up they they they take their seats I'm guessing the dynamic different
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uh is different from crowd to crowd so say if it's a group of friends they're
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already yeah the ice is already broken but if it's strangers how do you like
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how do you address the room how do you get the ball rolling the ball is rolling squ and rolling um I so first of
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all everyone it's like it's a very beautiful environment the event that I
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do in Oakland where you kind of like there's a host she will take you to your
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seat um and you get poured a glass of Bubbles and then I will come over to each table and just chat and talk to
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everyone help them feel a bit more comfortable ask them how their morning's been or day's been and then it's kind of
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just like meet and chat to each other like you're in a booth setting so it's
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kind of easy you're sitting in this like nice Booth setting to chat to each other
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and everyone's feeling the same everyone's [ __ ] nervous and they're
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just like so yeah do you guys really know what's happening and iard someone um have a conversation they're like no
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not really but I feel quite intimidated seeing 50 dildos on all these tables um but yeah I think and for me as
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well it's just making it fun and it's not serious you know you're not going to
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an actual like Workshop environment you kind of but it's just a sexy one where
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you're writing journal like notes and it's like you're in an environment where
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you can relax there is a bit of alcohol there to just soften the blow pun intended nice and um yeah I think when
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it's fun and it's like we can all laugh that we're in a room full of dildos
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together it just like relaxes you run and what like what are the key takeaways I can't tell you those those a
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secret again um the key secret is to warm up his whole body before getting to his
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genitals it's like so often and men do this for women as well you just go straight to the genitals straight to
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this like right let's make this happen or you know oh my God it's like you're
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doing an impression of me no I um I heard you in a podcast talking about DJ Cy DJ Cy and I'm like
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oh [ __ ] that is I think I'm terrible and big you've done it oh really yeah I
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think so yeah anyway in what way well just yeah just what you were saying is wrong in this podcast I listen to It's
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like oh yeah that's me You' be doing that you got to slow it down so that's
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another key takeaway for everyone in bed is slowing it down no woman loves her clitoris djed
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on you know I'm sorry if that's what you do maybe it's worked for some woman but
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I can tell you right now the majority don't like speed straight way you've got
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to warm it up I should have brought my [ __ ] cushion but yeah part two part two
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part two yeah part two so erogenous zones what are his or her orous zones wake all of those up first and then when
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you are moving down towards the genitals go slow start off so you know if we're
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talking about the workshop what I teach isogenous zones make sure you don't forget the balls hand job lots of people
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find hand jobs really awkward and they kind of just want to get them over and Dorth I talk about really beautiful
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Strokes that you can do don't forget the rare I talk about the RAR and how man's
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um prostate is like really pleasurable for him some men don't like that um and
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then finish it off with a [ __ ] if you want to finish there um so the key takeaways is really like to move through
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mapping his body before you even get to the blow job right so by the time you get to the [ __ ] part he's like 80% of
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the way there yeah you only have to do it for a minute when win female Focus lens you know what I'm
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saying and and the um so the the dildos that you've got for these things do they
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do the customers take them home or do you what do you do with them dishwasher bath in the bath yeah to me to me for
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the dishwasher they all go in a bath yeah I've got a huge suitcase one side is
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filled with 50 dildos the other side is filled with condoms and ribbons and lube
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and pamplets and all the things so take them home put them in the bath yeah amazing cuz you're married right you're
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married you're a partner I'm a mom yeah I'm not married yeah yeah how old are
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you 56 no how old are your kids you got on my boy I've got little boy's 14
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months right okay yeah so he's not at the age yet you have to worry about the
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the bath full of no no he doesn't know yet um oh there was something else um I
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either saw this on your Instagram or maybe hear this on a podcast but um you've got like a list five different
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ways to for a hand job M five different like Strokes do you mean yeah I think so
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yeah I think what are they do you know what they are off the top of your head yeah we've got um You can count for me
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so infinite penetration so that's just constantly stimulating his [ __ ] right
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it's a great one to start off with um the second one is kind of ringing out the towel so as you would ring out the
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towel and for anyone who's listening use Lu use Lu no one wants a dry hand job
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Lube is key for everything every time you have sex uh ringing out the towel so you're going to be doing something like
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this or if you want to go that way you can go that way um you've got the bottle
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top so it's two fingers holding at the base you want to pull down his fores skin hold it the base of his penis and
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then kind of wrap around the top um what else do we have I think that's three this this is good though
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this is great good yeah I mean you yeah they're um I mean as I said I don't
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think I'm particularly good in bed so um um this is great we can work on this
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what do you need help with I'm here yeah I don't know it's probably a
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commun communication thing mainly yes yeah I'm reluctant to say what I want but I I have had like previous Partners
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I'm I'm loathed to criticize anyone else because I know I'm not good myself but
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when it comes to hand jobs you know um American diners how they have those glass bottles of sauce and sometimes you
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got to like you know you got to where's this even tap it to get the source I feel like I've had many hand jobs from
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different women like that like I'm sitting there thinking I could do this way better and way quicker
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myself this is not enjoyable I'm in pain and neglecting the balls and I'm not a
00:22:42
young man anymore so these things are flying flying around like golf balls and stalking just grab them from behind and
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just get those up here um well I think a love that is because of porn honestly it's like I was
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in a um at a hen party and when I was talking about some of these hand job techniques she was like oh my God I
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thought you always just did this really really hard to just make him blow I was like in ponography that's honestly what
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we see a lot of and so women uh educating themselves through pornography then going to their partners and in the
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bedroom and doing the same and me the same with woman it's like when I'm going
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down her I thought I just had to go no don't tell me you're doing that as
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well no no um no I think think porn is very dangerous though way it is um I'm I
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suppose Lucky in in aircom is that um you know I was like mid 20s I guess before the internet became sort of what
00:23:44
it is what it is now so if I was lucky growing up you know you might have a mate that got a a penthouse or a Playboy
00:23:51
from a service station and that's all you had to had to go on but the yeah the
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porn now this is another really given my limited exposure to pornography um all these weird categories like there's so
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many so many like stepsister or stepmom porn it's like it's like massive and you
00:24:09
know it's not actually the step step sister or the step course not but it's
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just the fantasy idea of it right yeah how is that a fantasy when did that become a thing I don't know I mean I
00:24:18
yeah I feel sad for what like the younger generation uh moving into with what's on the internet these days is
00:24:25
kind of terrifying to be honest yeah not sexy no well yeah what should parents do
00:24:32
about this I mean this is not something you have to think about for I guess another 10 years 12 years whatever but
00:24:38
um what should parents be doing in terms of like sex education or talking to their kids about this stuff yeah
00:24:43
absolutely and I think that's the biggest thing is talking about it I grew up in an open family and talking about
00:24:49
these things and saying hey look this is out here this isn't normal this is entertainment this is performance um I
00:24:57
don't think it's fair to say you shouldn't watch this right because naturally a kid's going to go oh well I
00:25:02
can't have that I want it now um so I think communication is big and just talking about what real sex is um what
00:25:09
healthy sex is big part communication and yeah kind of wishing for the best I appreciate that and what sort of
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age do you think or does it vary from do you know what apparently I mean I I'm
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not there yet but apparently young boys are watching porn at like 10 years old 10 11 these days like it's just terrify
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I leared about sex when I was 10 because my cousin told me about it and then my parents brought the books out the
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anatomy books I started crying did you oh God yeah cuz I was just overwhelmed like an anatomy penis I
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was like oh god what the hell is this an anatomy vver and what they do that I remember driving over the Harbor Bridge
00:25:52
with Mom and I was like I have a question about the conversation we had and I want to know how long do you have
00:25:57
sex for and she giggled and she was like ah it really depends love and I was confused ever
00:26:05
since depends on what how long who can last or it it was still um your upbringing was still better than mine in
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that regard from memory we we just had this this this this series of these big sort of cartoon books like what's
00:26:20
happening to me where did I come from you know do you know the books no I don't they were really big in the 70s
00:26:25
and ' 80s and I I remember that that just appeared on the into my bed one day
00:26:29
without any there may be some deodorant there as well oh my God some links or something well yeah anyone of a certain
00:26:37
age will know the books I'm talking about what's happening to me where did I
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come from and then yeah Works through the Through the Ages I mean sense that communication is like a hard part for
00:26:47
you in the bedroom then right if there was no communication from the get-go yeah but it's strange when you
00:26:55
know there's a floor there's you know you could be doing better but you just
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don't know how to start with it yes um oh okay so so the opposite of a [ __ ]
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like we we sort of touched upon this a second ago like s guys going down um how can we be doing better yes okay feedback
00:27:14
is your friend you know what I was saying before where guys they instantly uh put or just get offended when a woman
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is trying to say hey can you slow down a little bit or can you go a little bit to
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the left or I don't actually like that and they instantly take it personally
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and think that they're not doing a good job so feedback is your friend listen to
00:27:33
your woman um slow down so DJ clitty no sorry you're going to have to retire
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your deck and you're going to have to come up with something else because it's
00:27:45
not working but DJ CL is actually I know I was going to say he's quite good but I
00:27:49
don't think he is because he'll do like a minute with this hand oh my God he just gets double dick and then if
00:27:58
if it goes for too long then might sigh a little bit well she's not going to get anywhere
00:28:06
with that the pressure okay so being passive aggressive is not the way to go it's not the way to go no okay so
00:28:14
feedback is your friend you want to slow down let's talk about tongue techniques
00:28:17
so you want to be going wide flat tongue never a pointy tongue unless she wants that so I'm talking like wide flat
00:28:26
tongue nice big licks up her vver not a pointy tongue absolutely not no we want wide flat tongue another thing that can
00:28:35
feel really good is making an O like creating pressure with your lips and an O over her clitoris and sometimes you
00:28:42
can kind of even just hold your mouth there and like a really gentle suck can feel really nice or even using your
00:28:48
tongue to massage that so the O suction with your tongue kind of massaging your C can feel really nice as well thanks
00:28:54
for that yeah I think that's really helpful not just for me but for a lot of
00:28:59
people I'm sure all just doubling back to something you said before you said
00:29:02
like lub is is important the more lub the better absolutely um you I've always felt weird about lits
00:29:12
you feel like if you're doing a good enough job then she will be lubricated enough totally yeah but it's just not
00:29:21
always that way depending on where she is at potentially even in her cycle in the season of life if she's
00:29:26
breastfeeding or postpartum or menopause some women don't get a whole lot of arousal fluid and that
00:29:32
doesn't mean that um their partner is not doing the right job um it just like
00:29:38
that's just her body and Lube is such an easy way to enhance your sexual experiences right as soon as you're
00:29:45
about to massage her vver or you're about to um massage his [ __ ] little bit
00:29:51
of lube it just when anything's slippery and slighty it starts to bring in like
00:29:55
that sensuality that excitement that like oh yes things that moving here and it just feels nice and nice to touch
00:30:03
nice to um experience so L honestly almost every single time I'm intimate I will use
00:30:11
l that's good to know how's um how's sex changed for you and how's your sex life
00:30:16
changed since you've become a mom I definitely don't have sex as much um I
00:30:22
never used to be a quickies girl but since having a child I it's out of necessity yeah yeah it's got to be done
00:30:30
it's got to be done um so yeah it's changed a lot it's changed a lot but
00:30:35
also I think um it's quality over quantity now and when I am intimate either with myself or my partner it's
00:30:44
intentional it's great it's hot um yeah I lots lots has changed how long was um
00:30:53
how long was your break like towards the tail end of the pregnancy or after your
00:30:56
son came along like matern like no like a dry spell oh yes yes so I didn't have
00:31:02
sex for 6 months or we didn't have sex for six months so the end of pregnancy um I just I didn't feel like
00:31:09
it and understandable yeah and we have such amazing communication and I could just tell my partner and say I'm really
00:31:16
not feeling like it like if I do I will initiate and let you know like it's going to be on my terms now and he's so
00:31:22
respectful and of course um that that was penetrative sex there was obviously a lot more like fun stuff that we could
00:31:30
do and then after birth we made an intentional um pack that we're just going to take sex off the table for 3
00:31:37
months while I enter motherhood and just kind of like allow my body to get back to well to heal but yeah exactly to heal
00:31:47
um and that was really fun and it really made me realize that sex is important and sex is amazing but also you can
00:31:54
still be deeply intimate with one another and not be having you can still have a phenomenal relationship and not
00:32:00
be having sex but it's communication that keeps those lines open so there's
00:32:05
no elephant in the room of like oh god well oh no what oh no he's touching there he's going to want morees oh my
00:32:10
God he's tongue ciss me it's going to go further you know there's none of that
00:32:15
because sex is off the table yeah yeah yeah so that was so beneficial to do and I honestly I [ __ ] loved it I loved it
00:32:24
I coined the term sexual rest someone's like oh yep sexual restr I'm I'm off the
00:32:29
next six months off the I'm off but um it was amazing it was it was amazing I
00:32:36
loved it and it allowed us to come back together and then I think when we did start having sex again it was more
00:32:41
passionate and hotter because we hadn't had it for so long and it was more intentional well why the why the break
00:32:48
were you just tired you didn't feel sexy I Was Pregnant full stop I was pregnant
00:32:54
I had no desire I lost my libido um during pregnancy near the end of uh pregnancy
00:33:02
and and then I was a new mom and I just didn't want the pressure of sex there
00:33:09
and so just communicating about it and saying no I don't want that right now
00:33:14
I'm entering a whole new chapter of my life I'm learning how to be a mom my
00:33:18
body's healing I just want to take it off the table and Fu so much of it's
00:33:23
about is about communication isn't it it all comes down to communication was he
00:33:27
was he makking the dates on the no no no 18 days to go um who who are your most common
00:33:35
clients like who who who comes to see you is it couples that are in trouble is it mainly single people that want to
00:33:43
yeah it's a split I would say a lot of women who are wanting to gain their confidence back um mothers who have lost
00:33:50
uh sexual desire for their Partners women who are being who have been married for years and years and they
00:33:58
just yeah a big part is libido and sexual desire and sexual confidence and woman just going I want to spice it up
00:34:05
how do I do that I've lost my confidence after having a baby or I've lost my
00:34:10
confidence after this has happened in our relationship so it's woman kind of
00:34:14
just wanting to get back on the horse so to speak you did did you lose any of your confidence after absolutely yeah
00:34:21
did you yeah absolutely there was a part of me that had to like build up again it
00:34:24
was almost like especially after not having sex for such a long time and after going through something like birth
00:34:31
it was like oh my gosh and obviously my body had changed as well so I went through um lots of layers of um
00:34:40
definitely societal stuff that that bounce back culture after you have a baby you should be ripped and looking
00:34:46
good and ready to go and you've got to get your sex life back I was like I want
00:34:49
to make sure that I don't feel any of that pressure um but I I did it did I think it's inevitable as a woman yeah
00:34:57
and you're this is coming from you like you're well equipped with the tools you
00:35:01
knew what to expect absolutely so no one's immune right no absolutely not and
00:35:05
I I think it's that's important to mention just because I do have all the
00:35:08
tools it doesn't mean I'm I'm not going to go through hard experiences or
00:35:12
challenging experiences yeah who who are some of the more unusual couples you've
00:35:17
seen is see anything that Springs to mind it depends what unusual is you know I think that I think everyone has their
00:35:26
own normal yeah like their problems or their objectives and you think oh that's
00:35:31
uh that's out of the ordinary I mean hard a a challenging one which this is not
00:35:38
abnormal is just couples having differences in what they want in the bedroom where it's like maybe it's a
00:35:46
kink or a fantasy or something that they want to do like have a threesome or open
00:35:50
their relationship and their partner's like I don't want to do that what does
00:35:55
this mean for our relationship do we stay together how do we work through this how do we navigate the fact that
00:36:00
one partner really wants this and one doesn't so nothing like crazy um but just really working on like Dynamics
00:36:09
within relationships and and yeah that's it's a challenging one yeah the
00:36:13
threesome must be a are you you are you sitting there thinking this is beyond my
00:36:18
pay grade you guys need like cou therapy or you need a a therapist or someone who
00:36:24
like around I mean a threesome is like you know you can work through that and talk about people's boundaries and stuff
00:36:31
like that but if someone comes to me wanting to open their relationship that's not something that I'm monogamous
00:36:36
through and through that's not something that I work with couples so when there's
00:36:40
something Niche like that I absolutely recommend them to go to a therapist or to a coach that focuses on that in your
00:36:47
opinion what makes someone good and bad you know how you hear the saying good and bad yeah so many things I I I keep
00:36:53
coming back to communication but if you can communicate if you are good at communication you're going to be good at
00:36:58
sex like hands down someone who listens someone who's open to receiving feedback
00:37:04
someone who's willing to explore stay curious open-minded um who makes their partner's pleasure a
00:37:13
[Music] priority yeah I think those are the the the key things God I I've got a lot of
00:37:18
work on all right I need to communicate more stop being so selfish okay right right
00:37:26
it seems like a lot to she comes first she comes a book she comes first I think it's actually for men oh really yeah
00:37:34
yeah yeah but you know it takes longer for woman to reach orgasm right it takes approximately 30 to 40 minutes for woman
00:37:43
to reach orgasm Men 2 to three minutes on average right so if you look at those stats and why we have such a huge orgasm
00:37:53
gap which is in heterosexual relationships men orgasming more than woman we need to be focusing on the
00:38:01
female body we need to be listening to our female partners and really understanding what is it that turns them
00:38:06
on what is it that turns them off what gets them going how can I pleasure their body how do they want me to touch their
00:38:12
body they have to know this first though it's not up to you or men to go I'll
00:38:18
tell you what you want they've got to do their homework we've all got to do our
00:38:21
homework how how do you stop sex from becoming robotic in a long-term relationship spice it up go have sex in
00:38:27
another room bring some toys into it um just yeah you've got to really think
00:38:34
outside the box and I think a big one is talking about what turns you on and what
00:38:38
turns you off what are your fantasies what are your kinks what are things that excite you that you've never explored
00:38:44
before like start to incorporate some of those things even if it means starting sex off in a different way so the person
00:38:53
who always initiates you know there's there's usually a common person who always
00:38:57
initiat let the other person do it and like book it in so like next week I'm going to be
00:39:04
initiating sex you're not going to know when it is but I'm going to be stepping
00:39:08
into that role I don't want you to initiate sex next week right so this is like a conversation that you have yes
00:39:13
right absolutely yeah you've got to talk about it Oh that's oh the communication
00:39:16
thing again no that sounds that sounds really good okay this is going to happen in the next week you don't know when or
00:39:23
where yeah and even if it is it's like you know a lot of couples who have been
00:39:26
married or long-term relationships it's like cool we kiss you probably touch me
00:39:30
there I'll probably do that to you and then we'll start uh having penetrative
00:39:34
sex and then it'll all be over in x amount of minutes you know and it's like
00:39:40
it's like you've seen my tape I mean I didn't want to tell you but yes it's it's funny though way
00:39:46
because I it's like I you you know it would make sense that in a long-term relationship like you you know as you
00:39:53
get to know someone better the intimacy should get better there's still something quite thrilling and erating
00:39:57
about a one night stand with someone you hardly even know totally but yeah like in in a lot of my relationships and and
00:40:05
I'm the common thread in all these things so I know I'm the problem it does
00:40:08
get to the point I don't think I'm selfish so I'll always make sure she
00:40:12
comes first but then it seems it seems like a formula you know you know what I mean so the same positions the same
00:40:18
thing I'll make sure she sorted and then it's totally but even if there is that
00:40:23
routine and I'm not saying you have to change up the whole routine what could
00:40:27
you just switch up like a position or a bedroom or something that you're wearing
00:40:33
or something that you're even saying just to make it feel slightly different
00:40:37
or to bring in a little bit of spice right variety is the spice of life bring in just a little bit of variety whatever
00:40:44
that is and like something practical is actually getting a piece of paper I share this all the time piece of paper
00:40:51
line down the middle turn ons turn offs write down your senses what turns you on
00:40:55
through sound your eyes is smelling taste touch and feel and then use thoughts and Imagination as well write
00:41:02
down all the things that turn you on all the things that turn you off they're
00:41:05
just as important because you could be in bed with somebody and something that turns you off is um potentially knowing
00:41:12
that the kids are going to walk in so something that could help that is knowing that the door's locked so if
00:41:17
your your man is like initiating and you're hooking up in the bedroom whatever and you're thinking oh my God
00:41:24
the door the kids could walk in you're not going to get turned on right cuz your body is going and it's telling your
00:41:29
brain now's not the right time to get aroused or get turned on so you're going
00:41:33
to stay at a level one right while your man is like firing in an eight but if that door was locked and he knew that
00:41:40
then while you're hooking out whatever he pushes you up against the wall and he
00:41:43
locks the door boom you're there you can be in your body you can be in the moment
00:41:47
and so when you have these sheets with each other share them even that's a bit
00:41:51
of foreplay when do we ever do that this is something that my partner and I did after birth as well just to to kind of
00:41:57
like reconnect again and it was so hot and fun to know like oh you love it when this happens or you love this
00:42:04
environment or like that turns you off or and it was like oh I want I want to make that happen and it's same same for
00:42:11
him like he was like oh it's so cool learning this about you because now I know exactly what ingredients you need
00:42:18
to get in the mood God this is really good stuff this could save a lot of relationships yeah totally when do we
00:42:24
ever really learn about our partners in this you know have you ever sat down with
00:42:29
your partner and have asked them what are all the things that turn you on never like we just don't do it never and
00:42:36
you think about um I suppose the thing that attracts people to infidelity or Affairs like it's the it's the
00:42:42
exhilaration right yeah it's the the naughtiness rather than just the the sex
00:42:46
so what you're suggesting is to like bring this into your relationship absolutely novelty like whatever that
00:42:52
looks like for you and your partnership like doesn't mean that you've always had
00:42:57
this desire to have public sex well how can you make that happen talk about it with your partner and it doesn't
00:43:02
necessarily mean they're going to be a yes you've got to respect their boundaries but how could you bring in
00:43:07
novelty how could you bring in excitement and passion and play because I've worked with couples who have been
00:43:12
together for 10 20 years and they're having the best sex of their lives you know so it really is
00:43:20
about having those sometimes awkward conversations to go hey I'm feeling a little bit stagnant around our sex at
00:43:28
the moment and like I've been thinking I would love to like go on nature walk
00:43:34
with you and have sex out of nature with you like what are your thoughts on that
00:43:38
and it's reassuring them there's no pressure around that it's just an idea
00:43:41
that really excites me and kind of turns me on and I want to do it with you what
00:43:44
are you thinking not the mil and Dr in the middle of summer no I mean some people what those some
00:43:52
may okay how do you um how do you navigate this stuff then if one person's more ous and the others say quite
00:43:59
vanilla or prudish or whatever you want to call it yeah yeah yeah I think it's
00:44:03
just like how can you meet in the middle you know how can the person who's very
00:44:07
adventurous not necessarily tone it down but what would the first stage look like
00:44:11
for them and the person who's maybe as you mentioned a little bit more vanilla
00:44:15
like what would it look to go to level one for you just spice things up a little bit and you really the intention
00:44:22
is like you're doing it to connect with your partner deeper you're doing it to
00:44:27
experience more pleasure you're doing it to have more fun you're not doing it
00:44:31
because you're lacking something or because it's not good enough you know
00:44:34
it's just like a different energy if it's like babe I'm I've been thinking
00:44:38
about this you know I don't know sex out in public again and like it really excites me and I just imagining you and
00:44:45
me doing that like I just feel so turned on and I want to make it happen with you
00:44:49
what are your thoughts on this again there's no pressure you know so it's
00:44:53
just like the way you invite your partner into a bit of novelty or fun or excitement is so important you want to
00:44:59
do it in a way that's inviting them in not like our sex life is [ __ ] and like we
00:45:06
need to change it up yeah cuz you don't want to you don't want them to like
00:45:10
completely shut down I guess and yeah yeah they will and be and be offended how much sex is
00:45:17
normal is there such a thing yeah and you know this is it's a hard question I
00:45:22
get asked this a lot um there was a study done recently where commonly it was around three times a month but I'm
00:45:31
always really careful with that because depending on what season of life you're
00:45:35
in for me example being postpartum I was having no sex for many months that was normal for me in that season of my life
00:45:42
so even when I say that number anyone who's listening and maybe you have sex
00:45:46
once a month and that feels normal for you and your relationship all good great normalize that celebrate it if you're
00:45:53
someone who is like I want to be having more sex you've got to have a conversation with your partner how can
00:45:58
you invite them into having more sex what does that look like for you so yeah around yeah I think um your comparison's
00:46:06
a very dangerous thing eh so you go to a barbecue with some friends and then you
00:46:11
find out Cheryl and David are doing it four times a week suddenly yeah I I feel like and sometimes you going to be so
00:46:18
careful of those conversations cuz some people aren't actually doing it at all
00:46:20
and they feel so much shame and embarrassment around it that they're lying to cover up the the amount of
00:46:25
Shame and weight that they that they've in a sexless relationship or marriage so
00:46:31
comparison yeah ditch it well then I suppose this leads on from that how do you how do couples deal with um or
00:46:38
navigate like a mismatched sex drive this is a really common one yeah great question
00:46:46
um the first thing you know what I'm going to say is communication the person who let's say
00:46:54
for an example there's a couple and one and the guy for example says I want to
00:46:59
have sex uh 10 times a month and the uh woman says well I only feel like it two times a month how can you meet in the
00:47:08
middle so again it's kind of like your kinks and Fantasies right and you come
00:47:13
up with whatever that looks like like I okay I could feel comfortable doing it four times a month that 10 that doesn't
00:47:19
feel like a yes for me it creates a lot of pressure and stress four I can I can manage that now the person who has the
00:47:26
highest sex I was going well I still need it 10 times a month they need to cultivate a self-pleasure practice
00:47:33
that's something that they need to do to be able to I don't know scratch that
00:47:38
itch or whatever but it's up to them to be able to cultivate that you can't
00:47:43
force your partner to go well you need to be putting out 10 times a month you know oh by the way can I just
00:47:48
congratulate you you just made um jacking off sound very sexy cultivating go go for a shower and
00:47:55
have a wank what did you call it cultivating a self pleasure practice oh my God that's amazing yeah yeah and and
00:48:03
um the there is the some sort of societal perception that guys always want it more than more than women true
00:48:11
no no lots of women I've worked with multiple clients where women want it more than their Partners I
00:48:18
mean yeah it it definitely is more common that men do want it more especially for mothers as well mothers
00:48:25
who are kind of Tapped Out tired not necessarily wanting it as much but I've
00:48:30
absolutely worked with women who are in the exact uh opposite position and back to the thing you were
00:48:38
saying about cultivating a self-pleasure practice practice um should that be a secretive thing or should that be no
00:48:45
communication I think that's what makes you know when you have secret wanks or
00:48:50
whatever it's like that's what creates shame and like oh God I hope they don't
00:48:55
catch me I've got to do this danger wi yeah danger W is that fun is it I've
00:49:00
never done one of those so how do you mean you should be open about it she be like okay I'm going
00:49:06
to take my phone now to the toilet and well I mean do I wouldn't necessarily
00:49:12
like say I'm going to go have a wank now like are you all good with that you know
00:49:18
you've already had the conversation and you've agreed okay cool like we can have
00:49:22
sex four times a month and I know that you're going to be self-pleasuring and
00:49:25
I'm completely okay with that because I want your needs to get met so whether
00:49:30
you communicate afterwards it's up to you to navigate if you want to talk about it every time you have a wank or
00:49:34
your self-pleasure totally fine but I don't feel like you need to explicitly tell your partner I'm
00:49:41
going for a wank and is like okay we've done it four times this month I'm ready
00:49:45
for I'm just giving you the ride of refusal is there too much communication yeah yeah I think we need to pull back
00:49:53
there um does does uh penis size matter no no no I don't think it does um and if it isn't hitting the right
00:50:04
spots you can change positions and there are toys that can help with this as well
00:50:09
positions [ __ ] rings um additional things that you can add to it but no why did it become such a such a big
00:50:21
thing like guys like to gloat about the penis size if a girl has a bad breakup like she'll say oh you had a tiny
00:50:27
I know I think it's ridiculous I think honestly pornography it comes back down
00:50:30
to pornography and even with woman it's like oh she's got big breasts you know
00:50:34
it's seen as like a valuable thing just like yeah it's like a big [ __ ] it's like
00:50:39
yeah it's not necessarily a great thing you know I've I've met dudes who have
00:50:44
big penises and they're like it's [ __ ] I can't even fit it all the way
00:50:50
in there's a guy on only fans called the girth master I think he's he's making
00:50:55
like quar of a million bucks no I know the oh my God that's crazy that's an
00:51:01
expensive [ __ ] um how can you keep that initial lust alive yeah you know that you know when you first meet someone and
00:51:08
you know yeah is it possible you know what I mean it's like you meet someone
00:51:12
and maybe you date each other for however long and then then you have sex and you wake up in the that first night
00:51:18
and you have sex with each other and then you have sex again in the morning yeah yeah totally is is it just is it
00:51:23
impossible to keep that alive is that just a chemical thing that disappears no no no no I absolutely well I it's I
00:51:29
think it changes from lust into like deep love and passion right when you get to really know your partner there's more
00:51:37
love there so it are you wanting to keep the lust alive I don't know that's not
00:51:41
something that I focus on keeping lust alive it's more like how can we keep the
00:51:45
passion alive and the passion comes from listening to each other exploring each other staying open-minded with each
00:51:52
other trying new things right when you learn it's together that's where it
00:51:55
creates that bonding in connection with one another so yeah I would focus more on like keeping the passion alive and
00:52:01
that's like being new bees at new things together in the bedroom God you're so good at the say
00:52:08
like I feel like you've got like a like an awesome answer for any of these questions I mean I'm just yeah I'm just
00:52:15
trying my best so so before you you you you you know um dug your hson and got really into this as like an occupation
00:52:23
um you were just a regular girl in her 20s just yeah mindly working your way through life yeah yeah I was on super
00:52:30
arts and in a relationship just doing a thing not really sure well I started off
00:52:37
as a yoga teacher actually before I went to Super yachs I did a yoga training and
00:52:42
that was kind of like yeah that's what allowed me to understand the body a bit
00:52:47
more cuz before that I was definitely I partti a lot I drunk a lot I did lots of
00:52:52
drugs um and it was very unfulfilling H yeah it brings you pleasure until it doesn't anymore doesn't it it it's
00:53:00
temporary pleasure yeah yeah day yeah it is it literally is um how do I know if I'm a sex
00:53:08
addict gosh that's a very um complex question I feel like you would need to really unpack because someone could say
00:53:18
um I I love having sex every single day it doesn't make you a sex addict you
00:53:24
know so it's almost like what are you addict to around sex yeah I feel like it can be
00:53:30
a cop out answer um for people that get caught having an affair right yes true yeah I didn't see that um
00:53:38
my partner is fixated on anal but I'm not really Keen at with having his D and
00:53:43
my and my B any thoughts on this D and my B well you that's absolutely fine you
00:53:48
don't have to be you know and it's like being whoever you are is saying like
00:53:53
that's just not something I'm into and again we always come back to respecting
00:53:57
our partner's sexual boundaries and being completely okay with that like why
00:54:01
would you want to do something that your partner's like that actually doesn't
00:54:03
feel good for me you know like that's not going to bring you 100% pleasure knowing that your partner doesn't
00:54:09
actually enjoy it enjoy it so for the receiver be completely okay it's totally
00:54:15
fine you've got other holes to play with explore those and yeah and but if you
00:54:21
ask somebody like if the question if she wants to like it which she kind of wasn't the question start off slow
00:54:28
create an environment that feels relaxing for you explore like ask your partner just to explore like fingers
00:54:34
around uh your anus creating like just that connection around it without anything being inserted um I don't know
00:54:43
if this is in a heterosexual relationship but a lot of women things have just been in inserted inside us um
00:54:51
forcefully or without um kind of any boundaries or permission it's just kind
00:54:57
of like okay I'm going to insert it and put it in so I think for a lot of women
00:55:01
we tend to close up around that area so especially around um the anus as well create a space that feels relaxing and
00:55:09
safe and just ask your partner lots of lube to just start exploring it with hands and communicate how does that feel
00:55:15
well that feels like a little bit weird still or can you press a little bit harder I'm just going to breathe a
00:55:19
little bit more bringing some Blended pleasure around her clitoris so that's
00:55:23
not just focusing on her anus um and then just to see how you go with that and if you're still a no totally okay oh
00:55:30
you from other podcasts I've H you on you're really big about butt stuff for
00:55:33
dudes right yeah absolutely it's where your prostate lives for it's which is a
00:55:38
similar like it's where our our G-spot lives in the upper wall of our vagina
00:55:42
you're like G Spot P Spot lives in Uranus absolutely there is so much shame and taboo around but play for men and
00:55:50
I'm like you are missing out if you aren't slipping something up there my my SP to just sort of clinches
00:56:02
up anytime like I I can feel like a a finger around there it's like it just like clenches up like a Venus fly twist
00:56:08
or something I don't know I where is it how far in is it is it sort of on the other
00:56:14
side of the perum towards your um bladder okay so I mean and look some people don't like stuff around their butt feels
00:56:24
too tickly or it's just like it feels like they're going to poo all the time
00:56:27
and they don't like it but maybe you can laugh um maybe it's just communicating
00:56:36
with your partner and like setting the scene for butt stuff lots of lube always lots of lube starting with a finger and
00:56:43
then maybe you bring in a little butt plug just a little butt plug just a tinty the smallest one imaginable um I
00:56:53
love my wife more than anything but I just don't feel as sexually attracted to
00:56:57
her as I used to I know this is a me problem but any tips to get over it these are these are Instagram
00:57:03
questions it's very hard e with just the yeah it is the Su and also I don't know
00:57:08
if it's about getting over it it's communicating and sharing like understanding yourself what's going on
00:57:14
here is has the dynamic in your relationship changed to some degree I love talking about polarity which is
00:57:21
like feminine energy and masculine energy and relationship and we all have these you have feminine masculine energy
00:57:26
I do too but sometimes that polarity is shifted where if you're both in your
00:57:31
feminine energy and I can talk about this in another way like leading and following if you're both trying to lead
00:57:37
it's not going to create polarity or attraction right it's like no come this
00:57:40
way no come this way follow me do as I say and you're both doing that no attraction you've got to have a leader
00:57:46
and a follower in your relationship right someone's sitting back and saying I trust you to lead I trust you to make
00:57:51
the decisions for our family and I I trust you to lead creates attraction so yeah look into
00:57:59
that what's happening in your dynamic in your relationship are you communicating
00:58:03
and what is that energy Dynamic are you both trying to leave are you both trying
00:58:07
to follow no you go no you go no you go and it's just like there's no there's
00:58:12
going to be no attraction there you've got to create that thing whatever the
00:58:16
fetish is and like it kind of blew my mind like what are your thoughts on that so you're taking yourself out of the
00:58:22
picture and actually just saying like oh I read this thing here I saw that there
00:58:27
what are your thoughts on that and then from there you can kind of gauge if they're like Jesus what the [ __ ] yeah
00:58:33
yeah that's what I was thinking too then you know maybe you can like yeah gross
00:58:39
ining another lady why would we want to do that I would never do that either it's disgusting how many people do you
00:58:46
need I'll put this boner back down then oh that's a good way to go about it
00:58:50
just tasting the waters yeah tasting the waters and then if they're like oh that's kind of interesting or I find it
00:58:55
curious then maybe she like yeah actually something in my body started moving within me and I kind of feel felt
00:59:01
a little bit aroused around it like would you ever want to explore that with me or try that with me and I think it's
00:59:07
really important when we're talking about our fetishes our Kinks our fantasies it's a really [ __ ]
00:59:12
vulnerable conversation to have like some people are so fearful and will take their fetishes and The Kinks and the
00:59:19
fantasies to their grave because they are so scared of being judged or shamed or even their Partners leaving them or
00:59:25
seeing In a Different Light it's like oh my God now they're going to know that I
00:59:29
like um being uh tied up and like whipped viciously you know so I think um when you have someone coming to you like
00:59:40
the receiver of someone telling you about the K fantasy just know that it may have taken them a whole lot to come
00:59:46
and share that with you and to not judge them and even saying like thank you so much for sharing that with me that feels
00:59:52
like really exciting or being honest and saying like wow that feels feels like a
00:59:57
little bit U nerve-wracking for me or I feel like I just need a couple of days to sit with this so so key to have that
01:00:05
uh safe space to talk about these things oh that's great that's really cool uh my
01:00:11
partner always finishes really quickly often this is incredibly frustrating how can I introduce him to edging what's
01:00:17
edging oh yeah edging edging okay so edging is something say on a scale of 0 to 10 when we're talking about edging
01:00:25
you want to hang around and eight so nine is like you're you're too far gone
01:00:29
you're about there 10 is like you're blowing right so we want to hang around
01:00:32
that eight bit now what happens with edging is we build somebody up so building up um our partners through
01:00:40
foreplay whatever it is and you're going to say you're actually going to
01:00:44
communicate and say babe I'm at a seven or an eight and so you know call they at
01:00:48
an eight I need to slow this down so if you're doing something an intense move
01:00:52
that you know builds them up really quickly or gets them aroused see little grin
01:00:58
um I'm I'm just um I'm probably projecting here but if I'm night I'm
01:01:03
like no no no no there's no there's no turning down right s seven8 89 oh
01:01:10
[Laughter] God too late next time so yeah you want to hang around that eight so it's so easy to
01:01:23
communicate babe where you at uh I'm at a seven cool I'm going to like start giving you a hand job and maybe
01:01:30
I'll move to just like massaging your inner thighs or a bit of ball play or kissing you or maybe it switches to you
01:01:37
pleasuring me now right and so you're you're talking to each other which is
01:01:41
such an easy quick way to understand where each other are at so you know who's pleasuring who and what you need
01:01:46
to do so that you can both come together literally yeah absolutely I'm very much intended uh I
01:01:55
love sex but I'm extremely self-conscious about how I look naked any tips for getting over this yeah
01:02:00
you've got to create a relationship with your body you've got to get over that
01:02:04
what pressure are you holding around yourself what are you meaning your body means you know what are you
01:02:12
um yeah I think a big thing and I'm going to maybe assume this is female I'm
01:02:17
not sure but you've got to start loving your body because it's it's literally
01:02:23
inhibiting your sex life right it's going to inhibit the type of uh sex you're having the positions that you're
01:02:30
in you've got to get in front of the mirror and well this this is what I share with my clients anyway massage
01:02:36
your body say affirmations to your body move your body so that you actually feel
01:02:40
good get blood flowing through your body eat good food you know all those things
01:02:44
that you do to feel good in your body you got to be doing that and then yeah cultivate a relationship to your body
01:02:51
got anyone that's listening to this that knew you during your party girl era
01:02:54
they'll be like who is the eat good food get some sleep hydrate your skin yeah no she's dead that
01:03:04
one um I feel a sense of guilt after I masturbate is this normal absolutely and a lot of people who watch porn and
01:03:12
masturbate will feel guilty after that it's something that you've got to get
01:03:16
over masturbation is actually super normal and healthy and common you know it's a way of caring for your body and
01:03:24
your pleasure so maybe instead of self-pleasure it's almost selfcare so yeah and unless of course
01:03:30
you're doing it in Bunnings then you should feel good what the hell oh my god
01:03:35
um uh this is a very short question should we schedule sex yes yeah scheduling sex is great is that doesn't
01:03:43
take the any sort of romance out of it it's interesting because I put a post up
01:03:46
on this the other day but you're not scheduling penetration you know and that's where a lot of people like oh so
01:03:52
unsexy like I have to be turned on I have to be ready to go I have to be like ready for sex what
01:03:59
about if you're just scheduling connection what about if you're just scheduling intimacy right as busy people
01:04:05
who many of us are time poor and if your parents you'll understand this as well
01:04:10
sometimes you need to schedule in those moments of just being with one another and connecting with one another maybe
01:04:15
you're scheduling in a 10 minute or 15 minute giving and receiving and then just seeing where it leads to but
01:04:21
absolutely I think nowadays scheduling sex is so important otherwise it never happens
01:04:26
yeah that's an interesting way of looking at it because I suppose um I'm
01:04:29
probably guilty of this as well like when you think about sex you do think about orgasms or ption yes yeah you do
01:04:35
of course yeah and so I mean for some people I I believe that you can make it sexy you can make it hot you can build
01:04:43
it up during the day being like I can't wait to give you a full body massage I
01:04:49
can't wait to suck your dot dot dot you know you can build it up and create like
01:04:54
sex doesn't just happen in in the bedroom sex happens out of the bedroom we can build it up to be an amazing
01:04:59
experience in the bedroom and the key to that is doing it outside of the bedroom
01:05:03
right so like three play yes three play love it it's that right it makes it makes so much sense so you're just
01:05:12
creating a sort of hype especially for a woman's body who is very much like most
01:05:18
women need heart connection right and I I put up a post uh last year it went viral and it was and it said open her
01:05:27
heart before you open her legs right I want to feel love trust and safety and when I feel that in my body my body's
01:05:33
and my nervous system is able to relax and open to you the situation the experience the energy that's here if I
01:05:41
know that it's just like right we're here for business let's just get
01:05:44
straight down into this there's no emotional connection potentially won't even reach
01:05:49
an orgasm it'll feel very um what's the word where it's just like a transaction
01:05:54
M so so building it up outside of the bedroom is what like creates really hot fiery sex in the bedroom oh I love that
01:06:03
that's great what are your thoughts on online sex like over FaceTime for example great hot if you're in a
01:06:10
long-distance relationship absolutely most of my relationships have been long distance and I can tell you I've been
01:06:16
definitely doing some of that uh my partner was a total freck when we met now she calls me disgusting
01:06:24
if I suggest something we used to do like six on a beach for example M conversation yeah why is that why why
01:06:32
does that gross you out now or why do you call me a freak now when this is something that we used to share together
01:06:38
like tell me about that you know be interested in why what what's shifted her experience because that could bring
01:06:45
a bit more compassion to the situation as well and help you better understand oh it's because that time when this
01:06:51
happened it made her feel like this dot dot dot and now she's shut down to it
01:06:55
when you understand a situation you're easy to you're easily able to unpack it
01:07:00
and then maybe explore it again [ __ ] this is insightful it's so much of it is um is from the neck app eh
01:07:08
absolutely oh my God our brain is our biggest sexual organ that's crazy um lately we have
01:07:15
been really tired just um with General adulting we are currently on a 10e dry spell should we be worried about the
01:07:21
health of our relationship absolutely not no simple answer absolutely not sex and I said this before but sex doesn't
01:07:29
mean that you've got a healthy relationship if you're doing if you're
01:07:32
having sex five times a week that doesn't mean you've got a great relationship absolutely not I didn't
01:07:38
have sex for six months I had a phenomenal relationship sometimes you're just in
01:07:42
these seasons of life where you go through dry spells it's being able to get out of the dry spell that's the key
01:07:48
right which is like bringing in some excitement honestly scheduling intimacy and starting with intimacy and
01:07:53
connection rather than sex a lot of people who don't have sex go oh my God okay [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] we've got to have
01:08:00
sex we've got to have sex it's like no just start level one what's that
01:08:04
intimacy let's start connecting with each other's desires and bodies again do
01:08:08
do the turn on and off um practice that's a great way to get things going where you're not actually naked and
01:08:14
being like all right let's do it what's what's that what's the turn on turnoff practice the
01:08:19
sheet that get a piece of paper line down the middle turn on turn off you a for bit of paper yeah that's bloody
01:08:26
great bit of homework and quite fun doing it with your partner um yeah this one's very similar to that last one how
01:08:31
can we get out of our dry spell without adding extra pressure I think intimacy coming back to and it's like having a
01:08:38
conversation around and and just acknowledging like babe I'd love to have a little chat have it outside of the
01:08:45
bedroom maybe even go to the beach or get a little coffee or go for a walk where you're not necessarily like
01:08:49
looking at each other in the eyes like where you're driving or whatever and just acknowledge it have a conversation
01:08:56
about it and then both think of an idea of like what would feel fun right rather
01:09:00
than a a chore or a job what would feel fun to kind of get the wheels of motion again and even thinking yourself like or
01:09:08
even saying hey we're going to go have a talk about you know our relationship
01:09:12
let's both bring an idea that we want to like um how we can get things started
01:09:16
again and then sharing with one another this is all great stuff I I feel both both um people in any partnership
01:09:23
need to be on the same page if someone's defensive a then it's over right it's
01:09:27
literally going to get nowhere and defensive it just it really so un sexy as well yeah and it's just really hard
01:09:35
you know if you want things to be moving you've got to nourish your own [ __ ] you
01:09:41
know if if I'm having conversation with my partner and he says something to me
01:09:46
and I can feel that trigger in my body it's so important for me just to have
01:09:49
two feet Earth down on the ground and take a breath and even just acknowledging like oh it kind of like
01:09:56
hit me in the heart I'm just going to take a moment cuz I don't want to react
01:09:59
right now and I'm just going to like figure out what to say and maybe you even go I just need five minutes I'm
01:10:05
just going to walk outside and take a minute but that way it's like oh my partner knows that what they said is
01:10:11
triggered me in a certain way they're resourcing self- resourcing I'm just
01:10:16
going to like give them that space rather than like come on answer or like why have you gone you know it's like
01:10:21
hold the container hold the space for those kind of conversations m why is so much pressure put on sex and
01:10:28
marriage and is it actually a failure when it waines no it's not a failure no
01:10:34
um I think there's so much pressure because we we have got this idea that sex means good relationship sex means
01:10:42
healthy marriage and for some people it is a big thread that keeps things going and and it does create connection but
01:10:49
it's not the be all and all you know so I think yeah there's just a societal
01:10:54
pressure that we put on sex yeah it's like the comparison thing we were talking about before you can't you can't
01:11:00
help but do it yeah um any tips for balancing the the mundaneness of life with the need for eroticism and a
01:11:07
long-term relationship W this is a good question can you say that again no I can't any tips for balancing the man
01:11:16
mundaneness of life with the need for a rotic ISM in a long-term relationship I feel like you need to talk about it and
01:11:22
book it in and like think about what are some of of those things that brings Aeros into your life and your
01:11:28
relationship you know is it is it accessories is it an experience is it a location and it's so important as well
01:11:35
we can bring AOS into our every single day we can bring bring pleasure into our every single day but it's our awareness
01:11:41
that does that so for maybe one person what brings me um AOS in my everyday maybe it's just having a slow shower and
01:11:50
moisturizing my body and tuning into like AOS within my body maybe it's creating a ritual uh with my partner and
01:11:58
and calling in erotic energy together through a certain practice like orgasmic breathwork or like [ __ ] massage or [ __ ]
01:12:06
massage or like I mean there's so many things I think getting into Tantra which
01:12:10
is something that I studied that will help you really activate more AOS in your relationship is is Tantra on the
01:12:18
same page as aging or no is it completely different no Tantra is a a practice it's a um it's a
01:12:26
um way of kind of looking at sex well neotantra is yes it's like in the Buddhist
01:12:34
tradition oh so I think of Tantra six is that the same thing or different yeah exactly exactly that's neotantra
01:12:41
classical chantra doesn't even involve sex so yeah um I've never had an orgasm
01:12:46
I lied to my partner because it would devastate him what's wrong with me oh nothing is wrong with you and I think
01:12:52
you've got to tell your partner you know and just say look I and maybe you don't
01:12:57
tell your partner I've been faking it all along but I think you know maybe you
01:13:01
don't need to go there but save that one until you have a really big argument no um no I think it's
01:13:09
communicating you've got to figure out your uh needs wants and Desires in relationship a lot of the time when
01:13:16
people aren't orgasming women it's like they don't even know what turns them on
01:13:21
they don't even know what touches like you've got to start touching yourself
01:13:24
you've got got to start self-pleasuring and learning what gets you going and
01:13:28
then showing your partner or telling your partner grab their hand and say I love it like this and then move their
01:13:33
hand in that situation communicate with them and say like I need more or I need less or can you go
01:13:41
slower it's so important during sex communication because literally you have
01:13:47
the power to to allow yourself to orgasm it's through your voice yeah that's a big step into
01:13:55
vulnerability I guess for a whole lot of people which is scary it is and there's
01:13:59
a type of way of sexual communication you know it's like you don't have to say
01:14:04
what the hell are you doing stop it or like um but it's really like how can you
01:14:12
guide the energy how can you say babe I love it when you slow down a little bit yes oh my God that's so good like using
01:14:20
that positive reinforcement and saying just a little bit to the left babe or I'm starting to feel a little
01:14:28
bit like shut down disconnected can we go back to kissing or can we go back to a little bit of foreplay or you know
01:14:34
it's like where do you want it to go what do you need you can't just expect
01:14:39
your partner to be down there or up there whatever doing the thing and going no I don't want this or I this doesn't
01:14:47
feel good you've got to be able to understand what you need next and and exploring that hey this has been great
01:14:54
this is this is so good like there's been a lot of diverse questions here and
01:14:58
there's only there were two very challenging ones that you passed on but everything else I mean your answers make
01:15:03
it it it I was going to say it is simple but it's it's more complex than that but
01:15:08
you do make it seem very simple yeah what's the what's been the biggest thing that you've learned from
01:15:14
all those answers uh probably the importance of communication really that's probably if I was going to write
01:15:19
one word down on a bit of paper and underline it three times that would be the thing yeah and communication is the
01:15:24
hard M yeah yeah it's about yeah tearing your walls down it is both parties yeah
01:15:33
you've got to go in with an open heart and I think when we communicate with our
01:15:38
minds it it gets a little bit scratchy gritty we don't really know what to say and we get
01:15:46
anxious but if we communicate with our hearts it's like and we really feel or
01:15:51
we share how we feel like babe I'm feeling really nervous to share this with you I'm feeling a little bit scared
01:15:56
to have this conversation but I want to love you better I want to [ __ ] you better I want to know what really gets
01:16:01
you going like I want you and us to have a great sex life and I'm willing to
01:16:06
start that conversation today even though my knees are shaking or I'm sweating beads you know it it comes from
01:16:12
someone being vulnerable how can people get hold of you what's the easiest way
01:16:17
Instagram Melissa rangie yeah or my website I'm sure you'll probably link
01:16:22
those and if someone um there'll be a lot of people I guess that wouldn't necessarily feel comfortable
01:16:29
being in a group situation um Lots so so as is it one-on-one or you do couples or
01:16:34
a bit of everything uh I don't work with couples I work with women in relationship but yeah one-on-one
01:16:39
coaching with women single Solo in relationships and marriages um I have online programs I have inperson
01:16:46
workshops I have master classes online um yeah and when's the next um BJ like a
01:16:53
boss are you going weekend right so we're recording this at the beginning of May so that's next weekend
01:16:59
yes so it's the 11th of May okay so you're doing these every month at the
01:17:03
moment yes yeah yeah yeah were you think about doing more well they're just selling out so fast and they are very
01:17:09
fun so we'll see at the moment I've got two in ockland maybe one down in toonga
01:17:15
and then I'm flying to Sydney and Melbourne to do them at the end of June so we'll see cuz cuz it's it's it's a
01:17:23
fun novelty sort of thing that factor but it's also a genuine thing isn't it it is and I think that's
01:17:31
what makes it so great is you actually learn so many things you're doing it with like a whole lot of other women who
01:17:38
are in the same situation nervous scared and like WTF yeah awkward it's awward it
01:17:44
is it is but after a couple of glasses of prco you know it's like what the hell
01:17:49
a lot of women want to learn how to pleasure men imagine if men could do that you know like can you imagine men
01:17:56
in a room with a whole lot of vvas what would we use like peaches or what what would we yeah maybe orang
01:18:06
papayas yes papayas papayas definitely dud walking up with sloppy orange oh unreal unreal eat papaya like
01:18:17
a prince I don't know that's a work one what what other names did you um you
01:18:24
must have had like a brainstorm or a workshop before you s on BJ like a boss what was that was so my sister came up
01:18:30
with that name I can't remember what other name she came up she was she's so
01:18:33
good at picking names there was definitely like um give head like a hero um go down like a something a
01:18:43
rather like a demon yeah imagine that here I go oh you little devil get down devil um no
01:18:59
that's all I can remember but BJ like a boss was just like this feels fiery like
01:19:03
I love it hey well congratulations on all the success you're enjoying at the
01:19:07
moment it's it's very welld deserved and this has been so informative I wasn't
01:19:10
sure what to expect um I I've never done anything like this on my podcast before
01:19:15
so I'm not sure how it's going to be received or what sort of re I I think
01:19:19
that there's a there's a lot of people that won't even listen to a a you know a
01:19:22
podcast with a six coach on because just won't be their thing yeah um but anyone
01:19:26
that is um sort of on the fence that has listened I'm sure they would have got
01:19:30
something out of this yeah it's been really informative yeah good really good
01:19:34
stuff yeah Melissa VES thank you so much thanks Tom [Music]