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I was really in a really bad place struggling and um again didn't tell my family it's funny because you know
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throughout that time in 2020 once my family knew they helped me so much but then again started seeing my
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psychologist again and didn't tell my family so it kind of went back into old
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habits of I've got to hide this I can't show anyone how I'm feeling um would you if it if it happens again
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and let's hope it doesn't would you would you would you be more comfortable
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speaking out do you think if it happened again or do you think you'd this is your
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default setting where you're just going to you know you find it hard to speak
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until it's really bad I'd like to say I would um speak early I actually I really struggled in May this year and
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um I didn't tell anyone again but I did after two weeks of really struggling and
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I saw a psychologist a different one cuz my one moved back to England which I was
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very sad about um and I was like oh I've been feeling like this for the last two
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is 3 weeks and didn't kind of seek cap or get help till then and I just kind of
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thought well before that how I was feeling I was feeling like that for so long and I thought you know I'm just
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feeling bad at this time it's going to pass but actually feeling like how I was
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feeling for 2 weeks it's that's not normal yeah it's a long time but I guess
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from my tolerance or from how I felt in the past it was like months or you know so yeah it takes me a while I try
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process it myself I try help myself before telling anyone um but at the end of the day like I'm advocating for
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people to speak up I want people to be able to tell people and speak up but sometimes um you got to tell yourself
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there yeah yeah yeah yeah you feel like a hypocrite in a way yeah you know the right things to do but you still don't
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want to do it yeah but there's so much power in being vulnerable and I think
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I've found that too even now just with relationships with people and the team
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like my friends it's just like every ation is more open everything's more honest you have a
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deeper level of I guess understanding you like you truly truly understand and care for them on this level and you just
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check in on your mates and I think that's been the most powerful thing for me and my family and friend group is
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we're more hyperaware and we understand it more um but yeah it's like I don't need to
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feel bad for 2 weeks before I get help I can do it after a few days that's cool
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yeah the vulnerability thing is interesting I've um I would up until a few years ago have described myself as
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completely um invulnerable if that's if that's a word but I'm like I'm older
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than you I went to an old boys school in the 198s it was a different Generation Um so it's hard for me but it's
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the best thing ever it's so empowering yeah it just it opens people up because
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actually everyone's got going on in their life everyone has stuff going on upstairs you know oh
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that's one one I I I stopped seeing a therapist around about the same time I
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started this podcast and um I I've actually found doing this podcast quite cathartic because you realize that
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everyone's carrying yeah absolutely everyone people that even people that you wouldn't even expect no um it's um
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IND indiscriminant you know and everyone's going to go through stuff so um so when was it that your your family
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staged like an intervention of sorts when was that 2021 2021 so yeah I was just in the worst possible
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place again um was this the broken finger yeah and I think again just like all those thoughts in my head as well
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from things that have happened in the past as well that I felt like what could have I done better
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um in certain situations and and whatnot and in ter in terms of um the suicides around
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you not so much that but just like why why and trying to understand and and just other things
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like try yeah I just I don't really know in a way um but yeah I guess I was in a
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horrible place and I wasn't sleeping at all um I was probably not eating enough
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and exercising too much and I yeah just panic attacks just I just couldn't I was like a shell of
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myself like I didn't even look like me I nothing to me and I just got tired of
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pretending I guess and putting on a brave face um and I had had like a few moments where it just
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because it was so continuous I never got a break like there was never any good moments I never had a good moment moment
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I'd cry every morning when I woke up because the day was scary I didn't want
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to face the day and then I'd cry every night because I didn't want to repeat
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the same process and I was scared of going to sleep because of like things like I just couldn't sleep
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like I closed my eyes and just terrible like it's almost like hallucinations and
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and whatnot so I was just constantly in this cycle and I couldn't get out of it
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for how long um I'd say like that for about two months maybe oh my god um just
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running off no sleep and then I went to M green who's in the white THS and I
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would just go I I was I wouldn't even tell her but I just went around drove around knocked on the front door at
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about you know late at night and she just knew that I was like I was like tell I've been crying
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I'd actually come from sitting at a lookout just contemplating I guess life why should I be here and
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then I did you did you did you contemplate taking your own life yeah I think throughout that two Monon process
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I it's a long time to be exhausted eh it's a long time those two months I saw
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side was on my mind every single day um there was once where there's once where
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I was in my car and I had I had all these pills for like a injured wrist and I was in my car I just wanted
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to take them all I wanted to I just wanted the pains to go away in that moment yeah 100% that's what it is
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you just want the pain to stop I just wanted it to stop and I was like people know what I'm going through like I'm
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bringing my family's life down how can I do this and so I yeah in my car like panic attack
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cuz it was like this is what I want to do but you know it's obviously a scary decision to make and I obviously
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didn't and then I a few weeks later or whatever was at this lockout and then
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just sat there because like it was a beautiful night and I just found something so like peaceful in that but
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it also made me sad because it was like I saw Beauty in that but there was no like Beauty in my life or how I was
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feeling and then I was like got in my car again drove to madd's house and I think I actually went to call my dad and
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he didn't answer but I heard his voice message and that just broke me I was like I love my dad and so I went to but
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he can't know how I'm feeling I went to Maddie's and stayed with Maddie that
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night and that ended up being a common theme that I was at her house most nights and she just she didn't even
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necessarily talk to me like just there I sat at like her table with her when I came in that night and she was there and
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I was here and I was just like this like like almost like a katonic of stage couldn't talk could not talk and
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she knew like she knew from how I was but I just I couldn't tell her anything
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and I didn't want to tell her the thoughts I was having because I don't want to scare
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her and then people would ask me m would and PDM would ask me CU you do have to ask at times are you suicidal and I'd
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say I think about it a lot but I will never do it which was a lie cuz I had thought about it and then I was no good
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and I just thought I needed to get away cuz Wellington I was Finding obviously like my routine there was horrible
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because every day was hard and we had a training camp in Christ Church and I was
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like I just need to get to that training camp because I'll be at Cricket I'll be
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in my heavy place and I just need to make it there um and I guess that was my mindset I
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getting to Christ Church so got on the plane and at that point in time Maddie had I was on anti-depressant and
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everything and Maddie had taken all my pills with me um so she had all of that and I was just going to have one each
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day from her and I was sitting on the window seat and I looked out the window on the plane and it was the most
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beautiful night I love Wellington I beautiful city can't on a good day you can't beat it on a good day and I just
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looked down and I was like wow this is beautiful like this place is beautiful and this is and it just hit me
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in that moment this is the last time I ever going to see the city and I started crying on the plane
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what what did you mean as I'm going a Christ Church away from my family um and I'm not going to see
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Wellington again because I want this pain to end and if I end it in Christ Church my family aren't
00:11:06
going to have the pain of Finding Me me this is heartbreaking and yeah it was yeah we got to Christ Church
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we went to the supermarket um like got stuff I went and bought as many pills as I
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could um and I just couldn't like the only pain I ever felt it was that's the only
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thing I felt was like my head was sore my head was screaming like my body was tired I was
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like I was treating water and yeah I then went out that night in Lincoln and I just I went for a walk and went to
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out of the room and I had all these pills in my pocket and whatnot and I wrote a note actually in my room for Mom
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Dad and Jess and I just remember walking and I there's a security guard on campus and I was so like this is what
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I'm doing in my own head and the security guard on campus came and spoke to me and and he was like hey are you
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okay and it's like it brought me back to reality cuz I was not in like I was not
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in my I was in this world that only I was thinking about and and like my pain and
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he just random guy said are you okay amazing but he's got no idea of the impact of the head yeah and I what did
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you just say yeah sweet I said yeah I'm good thanks just going for a walk but it
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just it just brought me back to life in a way um can you remember that the uh the note you wrote did did you keep it
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or I have it I can read it actually I yeah would you [Music] yeah