00:00:00
i'm so excited i'm taking bobby jules andrew and the bad friends team to universal studios it's gonna be so much fun
00:00:12
it's halloween horror nights [Music] so here is the deal i just got a call from bobby he is not coming
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also jules is not coming so i am not sure what what andrew's gonna say [Music] i'm a little scared to tell you the truth i think he's going to blame it on
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me for some reason [Music] but i'll keep you guys posted let's see what we do alright so the moment of truth
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hey andrew how are you doing what up i'm excited to be scared dude let's do this halloween horror nights where's bob
00:01:08
um so this is the deal like bobby called me he's at the airport and he's not coming and jules is not coming either or pete i think it's just the two of us but we all
00:01:20
said we're gonna meet here on friday night dude i i know i think maybe they got the the
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dates uh this is not cool man that is so i i i i mean maybe i checked in there i knew he was gonna do this i knew he was
00:01:32
gonna bail i don't want to do this because i'm like i might actually get scared of some of this stuff it's a little weird i don't really like it it freaks me out i'd
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rather be with a group i'm never it's just yeah look if you look dumb i can cut around
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it and i think i think we'll be fine let's get a couple things with here all right i'm scared i'm actually scared i don't want to do it let's go back
00:01:57
let's go back out i want to go back to the car i don't want to do it anymore [Music] wow
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[Music] i don't like it i want to go home here you are come on andrew we just done one do you
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want to do a couple more no i want to go home i don't want to do this anymore i got scared and i'm embarrassed and i
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want to go home we'll cut it around i think we've got great stuff what if i get your snack yeah
00:03:05
so i got andrew a churro i think he's gonna be happy uh this is not the night i imagine but you know anything for you about friends
00:03:17
let's see oh hey andrew i have a churro for you you got me a cinnamon penis exactly yeah
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thanks nancy [Music] this is fun [Music] hey so check this out uh we want to promote
00:03:41
a couple of things i'm on the road andrew santino.com i'm in san francisco this weekend i added shows in philly and seattle and portland i'm coming to
00:03:47
atlanta chicago new york grand rapids uh pittsburgh columbus i'm all over the place we just added florida uh
00:03:54
andrewsantino.com tell them to see me oh go see him he's one of the best in the world anderson.com also
00:04:00
bobby's got something so um october 22nd on netflix my show i'm on an animated show called inside job with me lizzie
00:04:07
kaplan brett gellman andrew daley a bunch of people awesome and um it's about a shadow government and um i play
00:04:14
i'm one i'm a regular on it i'm on every episode awesome and i played the chinese scientists oh
00:04:20
yeah but um check it out and also these shirts these shirts are available available the bad friends chili chill
00:04:26
chili chili mr hollywood are available right now they should be in the merch bar below otherwise go to
00:04:32
badfriendsmerch.combadfriendsmerch.com or something we're bad friends one two three four five o'clock rock
00:04:51
nine ten eleven twelve blah blah blah no no no that's not the it's my bow it was
00:04:57
a monster oh yeah that one it was a graveyard smash how does the music park go how does it go how does it go do you know what it is it's a monster man
00:05:09
who are you who are you freddy krueger from what from what movie nightmare on oh great
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robert england and what are you i'm panda oh panda from kung fu panda well give us a little kung fu chat okay
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oh what are you doing fans yeah what are you fancy is uh fancy's walked into the room he's he's uh pedro he's pedro from
00:05:40
uh napoleon dynamite the film that came out 30 years ago that's right he's really keeping it up to date what are
00:05:46
you smoking it's just a vape give it to me is there drugs in it no i like this look float flum float gummy drop yep
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oh it smells good yeah should i get into vapes come on man is this my thing now right i
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don't want to put my lips where your lips were why i'm afraid of that no that's racist dude do it it has nothing to do with it it
00:06:12
has to do with the race if it was just like it was just here if it was just enough you'd [ __ ] do it he's cuter than you but that has nothing to do with
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like being clean if my lips turn yellow after this you know what i'll put my fingers in
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front of it watch this yeah this will work i hate this okay ew yeah oh whoa i feel it now it's not marijuana no i know i don't like it yeah yeah i'm not a vape god are you a vape guy
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no you don't look like a vape guy waves are for losers oh let's start from the beginning hey hey what's wrong why are
00:06:49
you depressed i'm a panda with it and i'm depressed because i i haven't had bamboo in a couple of days oh look look look that's not oh
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bamboo bamboo and also um oh look a little bamboo from my little panda bear my mic just broke jesus
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what's wrong with my little panda bear is your little shad panda yeah yeah why are you a little shad panda because of my black eyes well what do you have black eyes for my
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husband beats me oh your husband hits you yeah like my husband my husband says you know i'm going to work right and i'm like bye and then
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like five days later he comes back and he's got like track marks on his arms your husband is about heroin
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your panda husband is a heroine yeah any any um you can tell that he has a belly full of bamboo and doesn't bring me any and then
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he punches my eyes and he goes panda's supposed to have black eyes and he punches my eyes i know yeah and then
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he um comes on my white belly okay yeah you can't really see it's there then can you what because if it's mixed it's white your belly's right no but that's when i go to the police i go
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he came on my belly we can't get the [ __ ] out of your panda yeah i mean i know the cops send you
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away well apparently they say it's all for humans only oh no it's for humans only so what are domestic violence
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panda's supposed to do we have to go see the bear the black bear oh yeah the sheriff yeah he's like you need help yeah see grizzly bear eric griffin eric yes ever eric grizzly
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very really great and you need help you need help yeah yeah well i'm barbara oh barbara you need help yeah my husband he's been out shooting heroin with all the other bad pandas and another panda
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out there doing heroin again come on come all over my belly i can't see any of it it's mixed in with all that white fur i know what a dilemma poor little penguin i
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tell them to come on my arm so they could see the camera yeah then you'd see it yeah what do you want me to do about it uh
00:09:03
anal bend over and then you [ __ ] me behind a tree yeah yeah i like your panda do what do i look like do you know what i am you're angry hippie no you know what i am
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a communist oh that's right you're a comedy i'm a communist yeah well that was obvious i'm
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a comedy yeah and obvious you're a communist yeah i want everyone to have everything yeah yeah yeah i'm a commie
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what are you i'm freddy freddy he's frankie kruger you look like just like a girl that's on
00:09:32
melrose it's just like a oh there's [Laughter] let me ask you something jules if you were walking like that down the street with the [ __ ] knives but like in august
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like in cebu like just walking downtown cebu right you think people would be like would they would turn their heads
00:10:01
or they would just i think they wouldn't mind they wouldn't mind nobody would think twice about women with wielding what if those were
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real knives would anybody say anything maybe but i don't think so yeah that's so wild that's not even a thing it's not yeah that's not a big people are allowed to just be chaotic
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down there because people have so many other problems going on yeah that's the last thing on their mind yeah
00:10:24
i love going to see like homeless people in like countries like that why i love visiting them do you know why why they always have the best jeans homeless people yeah because it's like
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they're worn in enough yeah they're they wear it in in the way where it's like oh that's a cool you know what i mean like
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vomit and you know poo poo lot of poo right and like piss pure beer mud beer it's all stained i'd like to buy them from them how much would you pay for probably like a couple hundred bucks seriously yeah
00:10:55
there's some some of them are dope man what if we start a raw denim company where you and i go get raw denim yeah and then we give it to homeless people
00:11:01
to wear for like a week and then we pay them to give it back to us and then we sell it to rich people well they do they
00:11:07
already do that it's so apc you ever heard of apc they don't do that abc used to ask kevin christie apc used to give people jeans you wait them wear them for a year
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you they buy them back from you yeah no i'm talking about give them to a homeless guy to pooping them and and have rip holes and do heroin and stuff
00:11:26
right but wait a minute they would get they would pay you to wear them and give them back yeah so you can win them for a year they give
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you raw denim they give you raw denim mm-hmm you go you live lit live in them for a
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year don't walk them back don't watch never walk bring them back and then they go here's some money or how often do you
00:11:42
wash your jeans never you've never washed a pair of jeans no have you ever washed a pair of jeans i always wash
00:11:48
them when i wear them after so every time you wear a pair of jeans you wash them yeah that's wrong you're not
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supposed to do that how often do you wash your hair every day yeah i'm not supposed to do that either she takes
00:12:01
your showers i should charge you how much do you think it costs for her like each hour i swear and this is not
00:12:07
even exaggeration i've i've clocked her at an hour have you seriously taken an hour shower yeah [Laughter] it makes me so at like 30 minutes you're
00:12:19
like it's fine is that she's dirty is that because she's making up for all those years and not having water running water
00:12:25
and cebu is that what it is maybe because there's no hot water oh now i feel bad
00:12:31
let her take two hours you know hey look up how much does it cost for like per gallon uh to run your
00:12:37
shower yeah how much is it for an hour shower what do you think it is hour shower probably five bucks
00:12:44
i was gonna say 10 but i feel like five is bad assuming that the rates of electricity and water in your area are national average 12 cents per kilowatt
00:12:51
hour and 1.50 kilowatt us gallons each so for every gallon it's a dollar fifty each shower costs you 25 cents or 51 cents per day for the whole household whoa that's
00:13:03
nothing so how much is it so so average i would say that it says it costs you 25 to 51 cents per household yeah per
00:13:09
shower yeah each but but she's taking what would be a a five five five four or five showers four five four or five showers so every day you're probably costing
00:13:20
two dollars or three oh yeah [ __ ] it shower [ __ ] you know five hours i think i got some money in here hey yeah yeah there's there's a shower there's a shower give that to bob if you
00:13:31
ever come whoa good catch rude yeah honestly that's pretty impressive i didn't know i thought that was way more
00:13:36
expensive for some reason why did my parents yell at me all the time for taking long showers i don't know but why don't you go to the korean spa with me
00:13:41
ever i've asked you so many times oh really do you have time to go to korean spa between going to do sex in the city and then going to magnum p.i and then
00:13:47
doing the show tell me when you have time no but before i have when i did when you have time when i didn't have the time when i
00:13:54
didn't have the time you've never had time you've never had time i've always had time when i've pandered i asked you panda shouldn't be
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angry panda should not be angry i'm sad panda and i'm the communist yeah yeah remember i asked you to go
00:14:04
trick-or-treating this year and you said absolutely not what did panda sound like
00:14:10
[Music] okay that's what you're thinking yeah let me see if i can guess [Music] you just repeated what i did that's the same thing that's true let me
00:14:25
set true that's exactly what i did that's good rudy i just think of them as like that's not what they're saying you speak english they don't speak english i'm explaining
00:14:52
because it's just gonna be one sound like oh okay all right you could have just done it
00:14:58
you don't have to explain yeah yeah yeah look up what pandas sound like pete i gotta tell you yeah yours that second one you did yeah
00:15:05
the gunner roll yeah that was in my mind sounded like what i think they do sound like yeah yeah
00:15:10
because a sloth sounds like this [Music] yeah let's hear what pandas sound like and by
00:15:17
the way huh obviously not not not even a good effort yeah what a minimalist archie bunker all right let's hear
00:15:25
to the moon do you find them though people go ah pandas are the cutest bear i don't find
00:15:32
them the cutest though you know what's so funny i've i do think they're very cute yeah but also
00:15:38
sometimes i think things that aren't cute are like i think squirrels are cute as [ __ ] oh i love them i think they are cute they're 100 cute what about
00:15:44
raccoons cute as [ __ ] man i agree yeah what about i i'll tell you i tell you why we think
00:15:50
they some people think they're ugly it's they based it on their behavior and you know what what because of who we
00:15:56
are yeah we don't judge on the behavior we don't judge on behavior we judge on looks alone and how cute you are cute
00:16:01
right yeah you're you're in a my garbage dump for [ __ ] with your family eating [ __ ] garbage food yeah and stealing
00:16:08
is one thing fine right but when you pop your head out of that [ __ ] thing yep and you look at me with those little cute faces what am i gonna do nothing
00:16:16
yeah yeah i love you i love you so much you're right we judge by the behavior yeah i don't want to judge but
00:16:22
although although i will say squirrels don't have bad behavior uh no yeah i think so what about pigeons pigeons i don't find them cute though uh sometimes but sometimes this is cute
00:16:34
that is cute some just head bobbing is cute yeah that is true i never thought of it
00:16:39
that way why is that because of a bird bob yeah look at how cute that is yeah but to me you know i mean i think you're
00:16:45
looking at the bob and you're putting sexuality into it no yeah yeah you're imagining right a dev just on your [ __ ] right there right and they don't really those
00:16:57
muscles that they're using huh it's like when a girl is going down on you right they're not necessarily muscles they
00:17:02
generally use so they get sore after a while oh after about a minute what if pigeons the reason they're walking around like this is their practice and sucking dick just right
00:17:14
right and then like the guy pigeons are in the trees yeah practice bad guys yeah two months january 12th i'll meet you on this tree
00:17:26
stump get back here when you can yeah when you can also by the way i learned the other day we were i was in boston calm and
00:17:32
boston common in the pack yeah love going sitting in the park i saw photos and i was looking at the squirrels yeah
00:17:38
do you know how you know the average life of a squirrel is let me guess yeah a year and a half that's what i thought
00:17:46
what do you think how long do you think an average i also thought one year that's what i said how much eight to ten years
00:17:51
well that's a good one how do they i i that doesn't make sense it's great how about the average how about a bird you
00:17:57
know we looked it up too what the average span of a common bird which encompasses a lot of birds average lifestyle six years what do you say rude
00:18:03
two to three two to three two to three is exactly correct that's the average lifespan of bird two couple of years
00:18:09
a couple years and i'm gonna ask you this yeah you you've got all the birds in the sky yeah
00:18:15
sometimes i'll i'll be trolling down or frolicking frolicking mostly like frolicking through
00:18:21
you know gardens or pastures yeah that's my thing you're very big into pastures yeah yeah and you've never seen me i
00:18:27
wear my overalls right and i always put my head in the pigtails right i put little freckles on my face
00:18:33
with the you know what i mean yeah and i have a basket you always have a bag yeah yeah and i frolic are you wearing a
00:18:39
little tiny skirt oh yeah in a pasture right and can i say skip right and i see your little whoop hanging out underneath
00:18:44
right and i sing white music like zip it jeremiah had a bullfrog you know all the
00:18:52
white classics what are the other white classics right um happy birthday to you that's everyone
00:18:59
what else um take it easy eagles take it eat right now whatever frolicking what why what else um
00:19:11
go go back go back to your country that's a white song that's a good one uh what's another white song um uh uh build the wall build the wall can
00:19:24
i just finish my pasture please so i'm i feel like the frolic and i but when i frown like i look at the birds
00:19:31
right yeah and i count them and i don't know the varieties you know i mean right there's a woodpecker there's an
00:19:37
owl right there's an owl right and um sparrow beautiful what a beautiful creature dove beautiful creature quail
00:19:49
are you just rattling off all the birds you know pheasant okay good hummingbird bluebird yeah bald eagle blue jay
00:20:00
okay um chicken cardinal rooster uh two of those things can't fly you just name two things you can't fly but they're still birds right you got it well then i thought that's where i
00:20:12
thought that was the game swan duck uh very good why oh just taking duck from me because that was my next one for sure
00:20:24
i know and that's done because i went to ponds as soon as i got into ponds i know and and i stumped you i think you got me
00:20:30
at that yeah yeah we're done [ __ ] a duck [ __ ] a duck you got me so can i finish the frolicking 100 right i count them
00:20:36
all right sometimes it's like macau [ __ ] man fruit bat parrot it's fruit bat a bird it's a bat it's a bat different oh my god parrot
00:20:48
barrett bird of paradise parakeet that's great that's a good one i'm a parrot to
00:20:53
parakeet that's a really good you gotta have one more otherwise i know but you took a long time after
00:20:59
that did you not i admitted i failed you're stalling right now [ __ ] very good thank you thank you hawk let's go let's finish frolicking you're
00:21:11
right i'm sorry go ahead all right i cut all the let me just get to the point right please there's thousands of birds right but they so you're saying they die
00:21:18
after two or three pterodactyl territories not a [ __ ] bird they were a bird they were burning we don't even know if
00:21:23
they existed oh are you a flat earther that's true they're existing all right so you're frolicking through the field yeah did i do hummingbird you did that was your first
00:21:34
one oh that was my first one yeah you can't go for one though it's in fact when you do twice it's done anybody
00:21:39
any birds to throw in yeah yeah raven rain [Laughter] dude come on blue jay i already said blue jack [ __ ] yep you did yup you're right i remember blue you're running i'm not running out you're running
00:22:02
everything in you're running out i'm running it don't don't say running out because it [ __ ] with my mom oh we're closing the door
00:22:08
oh no all right all right you're in the field so um and you're saying they die every
00:22:14
two or three years two to three years of the average lifespan of most birds so you're talking about thousands of birds are dying at one time where
00:22:21
where are the bodies have you thought of that that's exactly what i thought of when i said when i read two to three years i thought where
00:22:27
do they go yeah because in my life right i've walked around bob where do they [ __ ] i'm asking you i'm telling you
00:22:33
that i walk around yeah and probably 10 times in my life i've said oh there's a poor dead bird on the street or in a forest or whatever right yeah but you're talking about thousands of days uh
00:22:45
birds dying where are the bodies i see dead birds more rarely than i see roadkill blue chew i'm gonna say something you should at 50 you know i need bluetooth
00:22:59
it's yeah it's hard right now it doesn't go down it's hard to get up it just wait you dude it goes up and it stays off and
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i feel like i'm a 18 year old soldier again when you told me you said blue i said blue chew is going to be a sponsor for us and you said give me some now and
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bluetooth.com for more details and important safety information and we thank bluetooth for sponsoring the podcast butcherbox i'm a meat eater i
00:24:14
love the meat and i'm a big beefy boy and i love beef and i beefed up over over covid because of butcher bucks i
00:24:19
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you do like when you get a piece of beef i like to get it medium rare ooh me too that's what i like
00:24:55
i sear it the sides both sides and i put some butter and i i flip it in the pan i always like to poke it oh you pop a
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pop-up yeah i poke it well so the sea it can seep in there yeah my favorite thing about butcher box is that i get me to the front door and i don't have to go
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up that's butcherbox.com bad friends to receive a free turkey in your first box well we did it we look we looked at some
00:25:42
of the variables i mean i bet your money if you me fauci right some other scientists right he's a doctor we need a scientist who's a neil
00:25:54
degrasse tyson neil degrasse tyson me and you and neil degrasse i check a couple of boxes with him
00:26:00
uh what what is his he's black he is [Laughter] right so it's like we're checking boxes we're checking boxes and also building a scientific community community with one
00:26:11
guy so listen vietnamese fans yeah yeah we don't be offended no of course not and we're also not accusing you of
00:26:17
anything we're just saying yeah it could be them i don't know i don't think so though i
00:26:22
don't know because yeah they might go ahead well i was gonna say they might be the reason that in my neighborhood
00:26:28
there's always signs they'll say coyotes are out there eating dogs i've never seen a coyote take one but
00:26:34
dogs go missing a lot dude that is such an interesting [ __ ] theory then dogs absolutely a lot right and i've never seen a coyote eat a dog and i've heard they do can i
00:26:45
just say this too and this is this is probably just i'm you know i'm this probably a stretch right but one time
00:26:50
stretch it right i mean switching it one time when we first moved into our house right i heard the account at coyotes
00:26:57
right because you know the the real estate guy said there's a lot of coyotes here so we got the fence for our dogs so
00:27:02
three in the morning i was out there with the dogs jewels right i hear you know the cow
00:27:08
right i heard that is that it yeah i don't know whatever how about the moon yeah but
00:27:15
they kind of chatter they do that noise right right and i looked and it was three filipinos
00:27:29
oh my god no i'm not i'm not listen i'm not saying anything right i right but they were naked oh they were naked
00:27:40
making noises right right making the noises they had [ __ ] spears oh no and they were hunting
00:27:47
for something now did you ask them what they were hunting for i go hey get out of here i mean what do you get they're
00:27:52
on your property and they here's what what's [ __ ] crazy about this right they seem to not understand what i was
00:27:58
saying [ __ ] right so they were like i could get out of here and they're like right they spoke that they spoke
00:28:05
coyote right so i feel like they're like people that were like raised in the woods raised by coyotes coyotes all right can you prove to me you can't speak coyote right
00:28:16
now i can't prove proof wow let me hear coyote let me see if it sounds real it's
00:28:23
not well oh see that's what somebody would say if that no coyote okay well that's exactly what was that what it sounded like but when you were trying to do the coyote right i go that's not
00:28:35
exactly right but when she did it organically do it again i'm gonna look away from you do it again world jules
00:28:41
gomez i thought you said i was a bad [Laughter] that's true to be fair to fair you one could be two two one could be both you're allowed to be both things yeah
00:29:06
and yes you are a bad yeah freddie bat by the way uh our our whole bad friend's team dressed up uh of course uh andres is the ever-present
00:29:19
very topical character of pedro from napoleon dynamite yeah and pete is what are you pete i'm napoleon and he's napoleon yeah because bad
00:29:34
friends i didn't think it is on a budget on a bucket again and i didn't know that napoleon what was a fat [ __ ]
00:29:44
bob i'm sorry i'm sorry all right well say it to him i'm sorry pete right but when you see me in this panda outfit i'm shaped like a panda yeah that makes it makes sense right you look right now
00:29:56
dude i literally thought i was in [ __ ] woodstock right now every time i look at you yeah dude it's like did i
00:30:01
just time travel right what do hippies do what are my hands doing whatever that's exactly what you're cause there's trails dude yeah you're crazy you're
00:30:08
creating trails you're high as [ __ ] yeah dude you're sucking [ __ ] unicorn clock i don't know i'm playing a
00:30:13
republican oh you're not sorry i'm just a little recorder right i thought you were doing a unicorn car
00:30:19
what do you imagine a unicorn [ __ ] looks like not like a normal [ __ ] why just like a bunch of colors yeah but it can't
00:30:24
be shaped like a normal [ __ ] there's no i mean i get that the color it's candy striped i feel like a unicorn [ __ ] is
00:30:30
not even a solid thing that it's a ray of light whoa right you're touching on some good
00:30:36
[ __ ] i know i know so it's like so it's a it's a heavy beast let's imagine right
00:30:41
that i'm um a wood elf i see it thank you yeah i see it you see it right i see it i'm a wood elf right uh-huh and i was [ __ ] just all day
00:30:57
what am i killing orcs orcs unkilling goblins and cave troll fling fling right yeah i'm exhausted right tired i go to the shire right
00:31:09
right i i i pull back a couple pints i beat it right right i'm a little pipsy right hey frodo
00:31:21
right talking [ __ ] talking [ __ ] right i'm walking out of the [ __ ] bar right and they're like you're going home what
00:31:27
else that's what they call me what do you have a name woody woody woody you going home i got i'm going
00:31:33
home i'm not where are you going i'm going out to get some [ __ ] unicorn [ __ ]
00:31:39
oh you're lost right is it are they like prostitutes are unicorns prosecutors no
00:31:44
no right but they're not gay what are they they're not anything they're not anything but i'm pretty sure
00:31:50
they're not gay okay they could be i don't know but you go out to the woods to go get them i don't get them well they come to me i do
00:31:57
the because gandalf taught me to do whistle yeah yeah that that dude from the [ __ ] movie from the movie dude so you whistle right
00:32:08
they come get comes out what's what's gandalf's name with shadow mirror or shadow facts or
00:32:14
uh something like that what's this horse's name shadow factor yeah shadow face right so but it's not shadow fact it's a [ __ ] unicorn right hey [ __ ]
00:32:22
you know what i mean i'm gonna get he's when he's hopping he's got big wings he's also going no he's not he's this is
00:32:27
his hooves oh right he's i'm about to get my dick sucked right that's what he's doing
00:32:34
you're right he he's running faster you know i mean like he would run fast if work for chasing him yeah but he runs
00:32:39
doubly fast when he knows that this woody is going to suck his dick because he's excited because you're good i'm
00:32:45
probably pretty good you're probably one of them he's not drunk he's not going to remember nothing i'm going to do it on his face or whatever right
00:32:51
and he comes out and i get on my knees right yeah and he does what a dog does what does that what do you mean he when he's peeing the rocket comes out no he just lifts one leg like this oh yeah
00:33:02
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he lives he doesn't even really acknowledge you he doesn't yet lifts up
00:33:07
his leg well yeah he's also is he looking down at you at all he's also you know what he's doing yeah
00:33:12
he's looking at a female unicorn from across the way because he's not even like he doesn't like cross species
00:33:19
so to get hard or whatever he's got to look at he's got to look at a female unicorn that makes sense so when he does
00:33:24
this he's looking at is it felicia you know what i mean felicia just do it you're right
00:33:30
a beam of light enters my mouth it's like it's like you know what it's like no like those [ __ ] in
00:33:37
ghostbusters those [ __ ] oh yeah the the the the the gun the stream the streams go right
00:33:43
and it makes my mouth it's pulling right right right right and he unloads right yeah and it's just like i ate
00:33:54
93 000 marshmallows right he he galloped away and i'm it's coming out of my mouth everywhere yeah like that everywhere
00:34:07
that goes into your mouth that goes in my mouth and how do you feel when it's over well i'm gonna
00:34:13
i assume i'm gonna blackout drunk i wake up in the field right with marshmallows everywhere and um you know how you wake
00:34:19
up right and you're like um you know you just do that because your mouth is dry mm-hmm but this time like
00:34:24
look because of this [ __ ] beautiful right i found it right more and like rainbow colored like
00:34:30
marshmallows yeah yeah because every time i get to and then you're sober three years you're in a meeting right you're sharing
00:34:43
you know and you got so bad yeah that's what so it got so bad for me man i used to go to
00:34:50
the shower get drunk right i used to blow i used to blow unicorns right and in the
00:34:56
audience you here right he's sober now yeah yeah yeah he doesn't do it anymore he doesn't do it anymore either but yeah he comes up to you while you're having coffee
00:35:09
after the meeting during the break during the cigarette right and he's like you ever thought about doing it again
00:35:17
just to tempt you right and i looked down at his crotch right yeah not that a laser comes out right now but a little bit of like a little a glow a little glow like
00:35:32
to remind you right and i start sulfating right and i relapse at night i relapse at night [ __ ]
00:35:39
yeah yeah poor woody it's a sad tale it's a sad tale but it's a true tale it's a true tale did you did you
00:35:46
find out what a panda sounds like by the way after 20 minutes of this chaos oh here we go let's hear what they sound
00:35:51
like yeah oh [ __ ] we were close let's hear so cute [Laughter] yeah it sounds like andreas his car's starting when he leaves
00:36:15
[Laughter] so [ __ ] so cute are they deadly they i think they can kill i think they
00:36:26
can kill humans can you like if i was in china like you and i are in china yeah right
00:36:33
and we see a panda would you i'm being real we see in the wild in the wild yeah right in its natural habitat of course we have bamboo sticks
00:36:44
right yeah would you would you be scared to approach it honestly yeah because look no matter how adorable don't approach a giant panda in the wild
00:36:55
they have strong groups they can deliver powerful bites strong enough to harm a human leg they can so they can get through you yeah but a leg for a story
00:37:04
what i mean like there's a story it's like yeah i guess lose a leg yeah it's a great story i guess lose a leg yeah yeah but i mean
00:37:11
a ted talk on it but when you approach them like it's different with like you what you can't really pet are you going
00:37:16
to pet it no i wouldn't they're going to run away well you and i would have a conversation it'd be like how's the best way to do
00:37:22
this so let's be real about it dude i'll just stick let's get gather a bunch of bamboo even
00:37:28
though there's bamboo all over the place maybe we'll we'll get better bamboo premium we don't know premium though i
00:37:34
know a guy out there oh you do yeah all right so we're going to see your guy first oh yeah we'll go to the guy hey can we get the
00:37:40
grade a premium primo bamboo bamboo yeah and he's like all right it's going to cost you yeah here's a wagon full how
00:37:47
much did even how much is why a basket full each wagon is the same as a shower it's 25 to 50
00:37:52
cents an hour right so we'll go all right that's doable reasonable we'll take a couple wagons we'll give him a dollar yeah
00:37:57
right give us back the change though let's keep it fine pal all right don't be a day yeah but
00:38:03
yeah we go out with in front of the panda and then how what would be our thing would we um you know what i would
00:38:08
do it was i would put two bamboos on the in the ground right sticks i would make a human out of it right like a scarecrow that's his legs like a scarecrow right but let me get
00:38:20
appetizing make it happen make it look delicious for them yeah well see i was going to
00:38:25
say that i think we should rip off the bamboo leaves and stick them to our bodies that's a very better idea and have them look like i never
00:38:33
then we can just lay back on our stomach on our back and check it out dude we also because you know that um
00:38:39
um grizzly bears right and brown bears because they don't know like grizzly bears they eat salmon and honey
00:38:46
right yep right but to pandas right that's a foreign food it's like white people eating sushi
00:38:53
here is the thing right so we should bring that [ __ ] real canadian honey yeah maple honey
00:38:58
syrup to them to them so we put the bamboo right but we're kind of like a um you know we create a meal out of it like a charcuterie board like a charcuterie bar
00:39:09
so we're like so we have nice salmon shavings because they might like it we don't know right they all they have is
00:39:15
bamboo that's why they [ __ ] eat the [ __ ] yeah they don't know anything right but when we're like this is [ __ ] canadian [ __ ] here baby imagine when a
00:39:22
panda gets on a flight and flies to northern canada oh they run into like they're going to visit some in-laws
00:39:28
right and they run into some local brown and black bears oh yeah you know the pandas the pandas are you know they're
00:39:34
mixed well and they see the brown and the black bears and the brown bags what's up what up panda what's up playa
00:39:40
i feel like and the panda's like what are you guys doing like we're about to go steal i think the accent's wrong these picnic bags i think the accent's
00:39:47
wrong they steal their baskets the pandas are from china so do they accent oh oh the panda okay
00:39:53
yeah yeah well that doesn't feel you're the panda visiting me i'm the black people i would like you to do the panda you're the panda
00:39:58
[Laughter] all right you're the panda you've flown to me all right and i'm flying right now
00:40:04
i'm the black so you're going to let me get the back story here real quick first of all you're half white half black okay so one
00:40:11
of your parents is black as a black bear that's fine it doesn't matter because the thing is is that let's suppose
00:40:16
barack obama is your dad no let's just listen listen to my thought processes right
00:40:22
let's see barack obama right was born in china right to a chinese family right he would still have an asian accent barack osaka yeah barack osaka would still have a [ __ ] asian accent of
00:40:34
course well what does this color of his skin have to do it's cultural first of all first of all yeah
00:40:40
you're a half black half white asian panda bear okay okay yeah your dad is from canada he's a black bear from canada right your mom
00:40:55
your mom had a job offer in china that's why you were born there okay i better yet i have a better one what what just hear me out right okay
00:41:06
let's say there was a war uh there was a bear war there was a bear right so antarctica right in canada they
00:41:13
sent troops right to china to china right [ __ ] to fight the [ __ ] pandas right well or something to fight the chinese from fight the chain that's better yeah right
00:41:24
and you know when two you know two different armies are working together yep they're probably some cross-breeding
00:41:30
because they get bored yup they're probably listening to jimi hendrix yep right yep you know this is the end like
00:41:36
through the doors they're smoking weed yeah together they're sharing weeds right right this is the end
00:41:43
right when my friend right they're smoking weed right and i'm like hey man [ __ ] cuz i'm white [ __ ] pull up that
00:41:50
[ __ ] out here yeah right and yeah hey boys yeah right his [ __ ] grizzly ditches gets hard right right and it's like he's got bullet wounds too because he's
00:42:02
been shot he's been clicked up right so the one night they smoke weed they get drunk whiskey [ __ ] right yeah yeah they have a baby
00:42:12
they leave the baby there they fly back to their [ __ ] they don't give a [ __ ] about this [ __ ] right so what is that
00:42:17
what you're saying the scenario correct you're a bastard child you're a bastard panda child panda then
00:42:23
yes you are all right i'm a panda just because all right because of what was going on all right movement hey i love
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00:43:01
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00:43:07
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of your dream subscription plus you can pause or cancel at any time so you just i'm [ __ ] sad as [ __ ] then huh i just i was raised by my own sad panda i'm sad panda that's right so what
00:46:10
happens is you decide i'm gonna go visit my mom and my dad i'll visit my dad first in canada and i'll go visit my mom
00:46:17
in antarctica so you go to canada to meet your dad is there like some agency that he calls to find out where they
00:46:23
live and whatnot panda's international that's right yeah okay my bad i forgot that that existed yes because they need help trying to find their parents
00:46:29
they've all been abandoned yeah yeah that's true so you go you fly to canada yeah and here you are
00:46:35
and you see your dad with all of his buds just kicking it kicking it in the forest
00:46:40
and the forest on their block right and you step on their block and like what's up what's up little bitch-ass
00:46:47
multi-colored bear and i go well what who you looking for [ __ ] you why are you well you mean you're looking for me you're my daddy
00:46:58
[ __ ] what ain't your daddy why you leave me how do you know why you need me how do
00:47:04
you know i'm your daddy because look and i pull out my dick right but it's half white and half black
00:47:11
but still shaped like yours so it's real long it's long but super skinny why does
00:47:16
everything have to do how about that forget the day you turn around let me show you let me see your butt let's not even do
00:47:22
that because it's sexual we always go there right so girls are gonna make it about i know but i'm gonna do something different how
00:47:27
are you i'm gonna go how do you know you might suck and i look up my [ __ ] papa yeah and there's a birthmark
00:47:34
and then you look at your paw at the same birthmark holy [ __ ] right and then what do you do
00:47:40
with that hand we touch hands no you i thought you were going to hit me i was you would have rather touched but we do pg we touch hands we touch hands disney style right i'm crying and i'm and i'm
00:47:51
crying too you are you you feel yeah because then all the homies but all the homies see them crying and they're like right oh look at him crying like a pitch
00:47:58
shut the [ __ ] up yeah and then you hit me right that ain't my [ __ ] ass son i [ __ ]
00:48:04
we do a hard cut if this is a movie we do a hard cut cut we're on the dinner table we i invited you for dinner yeah because
00:48:10
i we don't know what happened but i have a patch over my face well we do know what happened i hit you in the previous scene
00:48:18
but i'm like just eat yours i'm like eat your salmon and shut the [ __ ] up and i've never had it before so what would it and then my first response is how are
00:48:24
you going to be from [ __ ] asian never had no goddamn salmon right we don't have salmon up there [ __ ] got judged sushi all over
00:48:31
that [ __ ] that's japanese same [ __ ] everybody lies so you're that kind of guy everybody laughs everyone laughs
00:48:37
right yeah and then i grab my [ __ ] and i head north to see my mom because i like this [ __ ] you [ __ ] hate this guy i
00:48:43
[ __ ] hate this and i'm smoking unfiltered cigarettes right i'm like get out of here and finish the story i
00:48:48
finally it takes me i walk it takes me about four years to get to antonica i think you get normal let's just say a couple months [Music] [Laughter]
00:49:00
he's a small i have small little limbs i takes you have you seen the move takes you a year how how fast can pandas walk
00:49:06
a run i i got to tell you i bet you can get up to 10 miles an hour no there's no way yeah no they're like 20 miles an hour they go 20 miles an
00:49:18
hour all right 20 miles an hour i have no idea well it's got to be a couple thousand miles so then look
00:49:23
you're clearing that couple months a couple months right i finally get up there right yeah
00:49:29
and i don't see anything it's just snow cold right you're freezing right and then like a couple of seals say get up let me go you don't want to be
00:49:42
around here oh they're warning you yeah wrong neighborhood yeah it's like desolate it's kind of like um west virginia like the appalachian mountains it's kind of vibe oh your main
00:49:54
create from around here you bet i don't know what you're doing here bro what if the seals all have southern accents
00:49:59
right i don't know what you're doing here boy right you better go back to china yeah me unless you're here for a
00:50:07
moonshine right right and then we and i ignore them you know you don't want to deal with it yeah yes and i'm still like now the wound from my cat hitting me
00:50:19
is infected oh no yeah yeah my eye is no longer it's it's gone your eyes been eaten away
00:50:27
so infected yeah maggots and parasites right yeah but i still have the bandage on for some reason i think that that
00:50:33
that's gonna save it yeah and your eye just keeps falling out of the side but you keep pushing it back and i say something ridiculous like to the [ __ ]
00:50:40
seals like do you guys have antibiotics or something crazy they're not gonna have antibiotics right of course not and the eyes are out we got moonshine right
00:50:51
and i go do you know where anna lives that's why i might know my mom's what's her name anna i think you think
00:50:57
it is yeah what do you think of this they're like who are you talking about sheila oh yes sheila yeah she live at top of
00:51:04
that old hill up there yeah okay you gotta trek up that hill thank you no problem good luck
00:51:10
but i i i also say i have to say can you just point to exactly because i one of my
00:51:16
eyes don't work figure it out yourself and they jump in the water they're so yeah always blacked out i get up there right and sheila
00:51:29
is frozen so she's dead she's frozen she's a fro she's frozen frozen in this gigantic ice cube oh no
00:51:41
yeah and then right what you don't realize right is this if this is a movie right we do like now a
00:51:52
scene that happened in the past in the movie at this point we see this frozen [ __ ]
00:51:57
sheila frozen right it cuts to what i did in canada i steal a gun well they don't have they don't have guns they have guns yeah okay they have guns yeah yeah in the movie where they
00:52:08
have guns of course they do right so i pull out the gun right i stick it in my mouth no no i thought
00:52:14
you were gonna shoot the ice what should the eyes swing i would end the movie like this oh okay you don't think so i say shoot the ice how about this why don't i let me give
00:52:25
you my comedy version or let me let me kind of just say let me hurry let me just hear yours i'm not here i'm gonna tell you i want you to do your comedy
00:52:32
version yours guns goes in your mouth i'm not saying that i'm going to pull the trigger right i'm just saying that this is a dramatic moment
00:52:38
right a little i'm leaning against right this frozen polar bear sheila my mom right my eye is [ __ ] gone dude it's gone it's [ __ ] infected it's gone i'm what
00:52:50
the [ __ ] am i gonna do i don't have a ticket back to china right it's all it's it's it's a disarray
00:52:57
my dad is a [ __ ] ass i realize my mom's [ __ ] dead i mean there's no [ __ ] point to it all yeah right so i
00:53:04
stick the gun in my mouth right i'm a panda yeah right and i click it it does it's so cold like it the mechanisms jammed right so you finish the movie
00:53:18
so you start screaming i don't want to be here anymore and and and it's a it's a it's a machine gun yeah it was a handgun i thought it was a machine gun
00:53:30
all right yeah and so no it's a handgun shot a solid shotgun no it's a handgun okay we'll go handcuff
00:53:36
handgun yeah yeah and you're leaning against the icing go i don't want to be here anymore there's no bullets yeah and you start
00:53:43
smashing smashing it right against you on the back of the ice yeah it's breaking you're like i don't like
00:53:50
this life anymore everything is a fraud everyone's a lie yeah yeah i hate everything i hate
00:53:59
and your mom positive you saved my life ah what are you doing in my house this is your house who are you mountain
00:54:14
i'm your son remember you raw dog remember you rocked back in the war you rod 20 years ago how long seven years
00:54:25
ago you raw dog that [ __ ] i [ __ ] a griffin bear yeah yeah i'm this and then you had me and then you left me with my son yeah why do you have a gun
00:54:36
because my eye's gone and my dad dreams i was killed no no no give me that gun yeah and you give her the gun right
00:54:44
and then she turns it on you that's great and it works now it works now and she goes goodbye son you're right you know and
00:54:55
can i just it hits the center of my right in the middle in middle right and the way it hits my head right
00:55:02
it shatters every bone in my skull wow right it's just every bro right and it's something it there's a the brains and the skull matter everything it just
00:55:14
like a pinata you hit a pinata right yeah right and it freezes right right and my this is my face right
00:55:25
right brain every brains right oh credit's coming out right it's a film or you know you know instead of doing that right i was thinking
00:55:45
you know imagine if this was a pitch meeting and universal was like what the [ __ ] are you guys talking about
00:55:51
and we're like check it out we're not gonna we're not done but here's the second option if you don't like the ending right it's a little dark i'm leaning against the
00:55:57
thing right the gun doesn't work right right and i whistle right and a unicorn [Laughter]
00:56:04
comes out of the forest right my eye right he gallops he lifts his leg like this and a beam of life goes [Music]
00:56:16
that could be an alternate ending because refusing two movies it's a callback for the other movie it's two movies yeah yeah yeah so basically you
00:56:22
want to buy it or you don't want to buy it yeah right right no one's gonna they're like get the get everyone's gonna win get out of here
00:56:29
yeah happy halloween by the way happy halloween happy halloween rudy probably has a book report for us by now movie report oh you have a movie report
00:56:40
clockwork orange oh did you watch the movie yeah did she really is she lying get the [ __ ] gum out of your mouth she claims she did i did last night how long was the movie
00:56:51
two hours two hours and a half yeah that's probably right do you swear i promise on kalila's life yes that's insane just wearing her life but she did huh
00:57:04
okay so tell us about the movie so it's about um ah there's this teenager named alex and then he has a group called
00:57:15
doogs doogies wait droogs and then and then and then they go on this like really violent
00:57:28
activities where they rape put on your hand by the way because i want to make sure you're still freddie
00:57:33
cougar where they rape and like beat people and then one time they went to this cat lady's house and then alex killed the cat lady
00:57:48
and then he got caught and then he went to prison and then alex wanted his prison sentence to be shorter so he agreed to do this um experiment
00:58:03
so he went to this hospital and the doctors did an experiment for him because the
00:58:10
government said that this experiment will turn the bad people to good people so they did that alex was trapped in a chair and then he had to watch the these violent films
00:58:24
and then after that he changed and the doctor said he was cured so every time he would try to do bad things he would feel sick and he would make
00:58:36
noises this sounds like the the plot for g lee the ben affleck are you sure that's not g no that's it that is i i i i'm actually like blown away i honestly believed i liked it you
00:58:48
did like it then star wars star wars is [ __ ] star wars is [ __ ] so what we just realized now is jewels
00:58:58
star wars is [ __ ] she is an art elitist she's an elitist and i love it and i love it and that's what she that's who she really is i think she is i think you're an elitist i think you're an artist
00:59:09
right honestly or she likes violence and she likes violence she likes violence look right into your camera into your one lens and
00:59:16
say hey george lucas star wars is [ __ ] go ahead hey george lucas star wars is [ __ ] wow you're never gonna work in this town again yeah let me ask you this
00:59:28
if they remade clockwork orange and then they cast you in there or they made a new star wars movie and which one would you do
00:59:39
and who would you play but i only knew the new hope you've never seen any of the other ones we told you about the other ones
00:59:50
uh the first movie where liam nelson isn't it liam nelson yeah liam full now liam nelson was pretty good in that movie that's what they called him liam full nelson yeah
01:00:03
yeah what character would you play the the one that looks like a monkey fair fair yeah what about in clockwork let me ask you this that monkey what's his
01:00:17
what kind of creature is i mean what race is he filipino right no that's not filipino
01:00:23
what is he i think he's more persian-y like turkish oh yeah yeah yeah no what is he in the movie i don't know he's a wookie what's a wookie
01:00:35
chewbacca is a wookie [Laughter] okay yeah i think you should see the second star wars where empire strikes back because it gets that's where he meets yoda
01:00:46
yeah you you kind of could be yoda i think you could relate to yoda he talks funny yeah he speaks weird
01:00:54
english same food same food yeah environment almost yeah it food environment i think you'll be like you're pretty close to a yoda yeah you've never heard of yoda
01:01:05
he's a green small thing yeah very good say no more say more no more you kind of talk like him too do you know what jabba the hutt is do you think yoda was just foreign and he just it was like he just had broken english you know
01:01:17
when they say he's like oh he talks in these beautiful like backwards limericks but really maybe he just was that sounds like every guy i've
01:01:24
met that's like super foreign like andres does that like what andres he's like andrew cards
01:01:31
cards i need where are they all right maybe yoda was just from spain and yeah yeah people just were giving them a heart they're like oh he's so wise he's speaking in this weird language like i don't know man he could have been super
01:01:43
[ __ ] foreign and also can i ask you this about yoda is is that obviously he's a part of a race of types of people
01:01:49
right where are they not only where are they but they have to [ __ ] well oh i know have you ever thought about that [ __ ] me you are
01:02:00
yeah yeah [ __ ] me who are you oh my god yeah yeah and you think they [ __ ] outside of their
01:02:05
race do you think yoda's [ __ ] will no i mean they want to no one's no one wants to [ __ ] them yoda goes to wookies
01:02:12
yeah and he's just like oh no yeah yeah to [ __ ] me i'm begging you yeah yeah yeah yeah they're like nobody's [ __ ] yoda no one's [ __ ] yeah what race is yoda what is he even did they even say
01:02:30
yeah in the new the new was it the manchurian what mandarin manchurian candidate is the mentor
01:02:35
what's it called mandela delorean did they get into species whose to whose true name is not
01:02:43
recorded we don't even know we don't even know how the [ __ ] did even why would that's so lazy so lazy write
01:02:49
it right you made up a language yeah write it it's maybe it's because it's kind of cool mysterious wise though with
01:02:55
mystery wise put a label on yeah yeah so you don't know what they are and by the way baby yoda not as cute as they're
01:03:02
making it out to be this just goes back to our show then this goes back to the squirrel conversations yeah it's it i
01:03:08
like i don't the behavior aside i don't think it's cute see this thing go to baby yoda a better photo of baby yoda
01:03:14
i'm going to argue for him okay i'm telling you okay here's my biggest beef about baby yoda
01:03:19
that everybody thought was really cute okay this is cute right really cute no yeah he go to the one right to the right he's right already balding as a bro he's
01:03:32
balding it doesn't bro nothing wrong with that there's nothing wrong with that when you're a baby yeah in fact
01:03:37
that look at the fuzz on the it has more hair than [ __ ] andreas look at the fuzz i don't first of all
01:03:44
look at this look okay here's what i want to say about this thing because we're just fighting for a sides for no reason these look at the pupils on this guy
01:03:50
he's been using [Laughter] obviously he's [ __ ] up yeah he's trying to use it you try and look and
01:03:57
look at the wrinkles on its upper lip you trust an aged baby that's been using all day yeah maybe it's maybe he has
01:04:03
progeria oh no then i feel bad you know what progeria is no oh it's a disease that
01:04:10
affects a very small amount of people and it makes you like a it makes like a six-year-old look like a 90 year old man
01:04:16
yeah it's very sad baby yoda baby yoona oh so cute right how cute is this so cute by the way i see you playing with the knives on there yeah which couldn't be more appropriate for you but let me say this do you even know anything about
01:04:28
freddy krueger he's on nightmare and elms i know but do you know what does he do do you know anything about him like his character
01:04:35
he's on people's dreams or nightmares and he kills them yeah but do you know anything about his past no oh wow wow he's probably my favorite
01:04:46
i know that's tough jason jason's so good jason's pretty good yo i saw the best tweet today i don't even know who wrote it because i don't want to take credit but somebody goes they looked up the stats for jason is
01:04:57
six three yeah and he was like [ __ ] had it all could have been a hooper but wasted it on killing it was
01:05:02
so funny i was like he's that tall because they they have the heights listed yeah he's a little stalky though
01:05:08
he's hey he's a big boy yeah wait a minute so it's let's go freddy cougar jason michael michael myers and jason voorhees voorhees yeah freddy krueger
01:05:22
jason voorhees michael myers oh what uh uh hell uh uh um pen hat but what's his what's that i don't know they call him pit head what
01:05:33
was the movies hellraiser hell because i was looking for help the creatures and when i first saw the
01:05:39
hellraiser so [ __ ] it dude it was so weird have you ever seen hellraiser look up the creatures and hellraiser the
01:05:44
original highways are how scary they were this is a movie that came out in the early 80s i think i
01:05:50
yeah yeah dude dude look at the creatures not him no go up to the top yeah like that guy right there that guy go down go down go down look at that the guy right
01:06:01
there look at that look at that guy look at that guy go to the right go to the right now that one
01:06:07
no yeah that one i mean look at the guy to the right that looks like guys from the comedy store that i see that's true
01:06:13
look go zoom in on the guy on the right peter the one on the left is scarier oh you think so no the one on the right but if
01:06:19
it looks like a thumb yeah it looks like steve simone who's that ceelo is that celo green yeah maybe i'm crazy
01:06:30
that was a scary movie so [ __ ] scary man because it dealt with not hell but like a fourth dimension yeah you're in
01:06:36
another world yeah a different dimension of creatures that is the thing though it's got to be sold really well because look nightmare was great because it was
01:06:42
in our real world so was jason yeah okay and so was michael myers yeah but with this it was like entering other worlds and they could easily come off as go down there go to
01:06:54
yeah no where the other foot either go to the right yeah go to the right far right right
01:07:00
that one i'm going to see that one zoom zoom in wow yeah it's it well it's they're kind
01:07:07
of like marilyn manson it's just a group dude you know it's either it's either it's like marilyn manson meets tim
01:07:12
burton yeah but back when i saw that as a kid though i was just like imagine living in the suburbs you don't watch [ __ ] like this
01:07:19
well also there was not much out like that like the horror movies in american horror movies yeah weren't this good in
01:07:24
gory yeah dude i saw a [ __ ] movie a horror movie called vhs 94. i don't know that movie vhs 94. yeah there's i'm telling you
01:07:35
right now there was a couple of of what what it is it's a found footage vhs tape pretty much that you find in you know it just came out it just came out right and
01:07:47
see that guy the mad scientist that mad scientist it's like they're little vignettes
01:07:52
so they're like eight minute temp 10 minutes vhs found footage in a row right they don't they're not really connected right uh-huh but they were so cleverly
01:08:04
done and so freaky that thing is so good where did you see it on shutter what the [ __ ] is shutter shutter is a streaming platform for horror movies only
01:08:15
wow yeah shutter yeah how much is it a monthly fee are you just a couple six or seven
01:08:21
bucks a month right you have to loan it to me yeah is that chelsea peretti [ __ ] please don't say that no it
01:08:27
looks like her right there yeah look yeah that looked like her for a second so she's in one where um she's like a
01:08:32
news reporter so it basically looks like a 1990s news reporter everything is supposed to be from 94. yeah and going
01:08:39
into like these subways because there's a legend that there's like a rat a rat human that lives there andres
01:08:47
yeah anyway that was just something that i recommend imagine andres down in a subway and you're like oh rat and he's
01:08:52
like yeah ain't then said five and then he scurries away yeah yeah i want to this looks good i finally by the way i finally finished finished squid game like i had seen
01:09:04
six what'd you think and then i finished finished it what'd you think i'm gonna give my fast wrap up because we already talked about squid game on the show before but here's the deal too many stories are being told at once not
01:09:15
a fan of that way too many stories too many ancillary characters that you're like why the [ __ ] was that guy involved but it's not about him yeah the ending
01:09:20
also made me a little bit mad because um uh the twist was cool but then also elongated and a little like a draggy it was a little draggy
01:09:33
um well you know no one's gonna be no when you're writing a show like that you're not gonna satisfy everyone
01:09:40
it's like when people got really mad about game of thrones the end the last season of game of thrones you're just ripping it apart it's like i just it's
01:09:46
just so difficult it's just drugs it's just drug on a little bit too long to me it didn't to me it was like
01:09:53
i wish they'd do a part two well they're gonna do a part two yeah and i thought that um
01:09:59
in general the whole thing was it the the sets the squid dies by the way spoiler alert
01:10:06
yes how immaculate were the sets well that's you dude you know you can buy the you can buy an alarm clock for your bed that's how do you say red light green light in
01:10:17
korean i don't know that's so offensive to your [ __ ] history you're offensive to me ask me a history a word for my hit
01:10:23
from my [ __ ] ireland yeah how do you say good morning in ireland come on oh [ __ ] my bad there you go yeah
01:10:30
okay i should know mine then or ask me actually how do you say had a good morning in ireland and iris asked me again
01:10:36
how do you say have it yeah how are you having a good morning in ireland have a drink that's it
01:10:41
oh you went for the stereotype have a drink and a smoke there we go made original fight a
01:10:46
fighter yeah i'm telling you you can buy that alarm clock and i was gonna buy that for you but you know what you know why i didn't buy it for you didn't get you a birthday present not only did you not give me a birthday present you didn't even call me on my
01:10:58
[ __ ] birthday oh what day was it it was on sale angry don't throw anything it was on saturday yeah and
01:11:04
guess who called you on my birthday me me to say hi our relationship is in the tit for tat
01:11:11
that's a [ __ ] fact yeah yeah our relationship is another tip for cat all right yeah it's it's a ta it's
01:11:18
tat and tat yeah it's tat for tat it's half no it's tough for t [ __ ] tactic [ __ ]
01:11:23
tit for [ __ ] did for [ __ ] right and um the president that i got you is still
01:11:29
being mailed somewhere i can't tell you it's a surprise yeah can you yeah make it up no i'm not gonna make something up what are you getting so angry about look at your face i can tell the shift of your
01:11:40
face you can't even see my eyes i know i could just see through it i don't like it wait can you see my eyes through here yeah these are [ __ ] cheap glasses
01:11:46
yeah yeah so i can see your eyeballs but let me say this yeah i hope everybody has a happy halloween yeah i hope nobody
01:11:54
hey nobody gets a razor blade in their candy yeah no one does that by the way they used to i don't i don't believe it
01:12:05
yeah you know what was scary remember the tylenol scare when people were putting tylenol in
01:12:11
candy no when they put cyanide in the tan not tylenol funny yeah so back in the chicago area back in
01:12:18
the early 80s yeah some guy took ten because back then they didn't have the protective seal right right so you could open it up so you could buy tylenol some guy and they
01:12:31
were the capsules yep so you could undo the capsule dump it and some dude put cyanide in there that's so [ __ ] up it's so [ __ ] up repackage it put it at pharmacies and
01:12:42
grocery stores and whatnot right so there's one family that like somebody died right
01:12:48
and he died and so at the so he took a tylenol in this house they didn't know what it was so when his family gathered for his morning at the house two of the guests had headaches
01:13:01
and they took the tylenol and they died as well how crazy is that that's so [ __ ] up it's so [ __ ] up
01:13:07
and guess what huh they never lived again caught him they never caught the cyanide tylenol guy so he got a freebie two freebies no he
01:13:19
killed like six i think what yeah six or seven people what kind of criminal would you be like that would you be that kind
01:13:24
of psycho killer i'm not a hands-on kind of a guy so what what are you you're you're killing like
01:13:30
that you're killing through the mail type of [ __ ] no i would like maybe put like
01:13:37
how would i do it i've thought about it i've never thought about have you thought about it yeah
01:13:42
okay what would you do no no no what would you do i don't want to say it well no just hypothetically oh
01:13:50
right rice rice oh yeah yeah no i don't i would be i would do um i like it when the psychological thrillers are like uh when they like get into your water line and they've put
01:14:02
blood in the water line yeah and you're someone's in the shower and they're like and they see bloods coming out of that
01:14:08
yeah and then they go to go you know get out of the house but they can't get out of the house yeah you know and then i cut
01:14:13
the power yeah and then and well nobody has phone lines anymore and i cut the phone lines yeah and then
01:14:19
i bust into their house yeah right and they're like and they're freaking out and then i'm like i'm just [ __ ] kidding that's what you do and then i get out of
01:14:30
there yeah you know what i would do and i turn around i would i would find a face i wouldn't i don't know i would find a family yeah i had no one yuck i would find a family right
01:14:41
and i would know everything about the family their routines when they go to job right i'll pick up their mail right i would move nearby right
01:14:48
i would invent a machine you'd buy property yeah that's a big big commitment yeah yeah no i rent yeah but then they get to do a credit check and all that stuff it's fine they're not going to know me so check it
01:15:00
out they don't know i also invent something and what it is just hear me hear me out right it's a little mechanism right that you put underneath the pad
01:15:12
okay yeah and if i call the number it releases it triggers it and what it does it puts out the valium smoke into the rooms right so if there's a
01:15:24
family of five or six people and living in a house right i would put one in every underneath when they're out of
01:15:29
town right i would sneak in right yeah and once i see everyone going in the house and all the lights going off i
01:15:36
would turn it on and they'd be feeling good they're passed out right you go inside
01:15:42
and you kiss everyone on the forehead and then you leave yep [Laughter] how'd you know nice and sweet yeah what would you do a little psychopath
01:15:57
i'd stalk and only prey on men and okay except for men that you're friends with and know well right any that i
01:16:08
would hate but like people that you work with you wouldn't stalk and kill i could but like people that you work with on a
01:16:14
weekly basis that you know are like family to you you wouldn't right no it's fine no it's fine you would i would
01:16:22
wait i'm not yet done okay what about guys you live with would you kill people that men that you live with
01:16:29
right and then when i stalk them i would um like sedate them or like put something in their drinks for them to sleep oh and
01:16:41
then i put them in like the basement or if in the house of the bobby maybe in the garage uh-huh
01:16:47
yeah and then i would tie like maybe like six or eight men together we all get tied up together and then what happens and then
01:16:58
while they're asleep i would put fireworks in their butts like m80s explosives yeah yeah
01:17:06
and then which which can i just do some guys get more explosives than others in their butt yeah if i hate them more
01:17:14
okay so like i would get maybe one and bobby would get honestly how many explosives would i get
01:17:21
in my bot i didn't say you would be in it how many explosives do i get in my butt
01:17:26
maybe you'd get one and a half one and a half what is about how much five five i get five at close to okay
01:17:33
how about pete no i don't want pete in it and andreas why the [ __ ] do they get just let's play
01:17:39
it out they get to live yeah let's play it out let's play it out yeah so i'm tied up i got one and a half explosives
01:17:46
in my butthole you've got are we naked um i don't want to see your dicks so you cut our dicks off no like i
01:17:54
just cut a hole in your pants and my pocket or or you could just stick the [ __ ]
01:18:00
no i want it i want it inside right you could stick it in my butt and put my pants back on she doesn't want to have
01:18:06
to take off your pants no use the scissors cut the hole yeah really fancy like raw denim pants
01:18:14
yeah ones that a homeless guy wore for a week yeah yeah okay so and then what would would you like them all at the same time yeah and i just
01:18:20
record you okay can i just say this i don't think that would necessarily kill me no but an m80 in your butthole
01:18:29
five of them it's [ __ ] explosives i know but still it's like i could still be torso guy
01:18:35
it would rip your body open yeah just the bottom half i'm still a torso guy from then on bobby i'll do the special
01:18:42
olympics you remember what do you remember in our polar bear film yeah when your head ex like every bone in your brain in your head bro yeah same thing with your butt i
01:18:54
know my butt but still your whole body your whole body your whole middle your guts would spill out you'd be gone bud
01:19:00
okay can you do one she doesn't know can you just do one that's why she put it in our butt i get five he's not gonna die you put
01:19:06
one in his body no because i need to experiment she wants to know who get who yeah ah all right so i'm absolutely dead
01:19:13
all right i'm f you know this i'm [ __ ] dead man yeah yeah but he's not no but i might be crawling around on my torso yeah if he's not dead i'd do
01:19:25
something else what are you going to do foxy i'd rather be dead no no what is he going to do this is what i like so my so
01:19:30
he's gone i'm torso guy and i'm like i'm moving around like a little [ __ ] you would plead for your life right the whole time yeah what would you say i go rudy please i'll do
01:19:40
anything though you don't call her by her fictionally you probably call her by her real name oh yeah um
01:19:46
please don't hurt me yeah kill me please please don't kill me i'll do anything that you want please and then what do you do i want to carve something in his stomach or face oh oh
01:20:00
you're gonna do some artwork you're gonna make me a pumpkin yeah yeah what are you gonna call it like a message
01:20:05
yeah or just like a design oh a does that like a you're gonna make art i'm so i'm art now yeah yeah like and you're
01:20:11
gonna put like a sun or what yeah like with a knife oh [ __ ] that must hurt are you gonna
01:20:17
eventually kill me no you're gonna let me slowly die yeah yeah okay and then how are you gonna get away with i'm okay if i get caught holy [ __ ]
01:20:30
that's crazy plan no but by the way that's more scary to me someone that's like i'm okay that guy get caught that's so scary pretty
01:20:36
scary yeah well you're gonna move out no you're gonna get down in the house i'm not gonna do it yeah sounds like it she's not gonna do it well happy halloween rudy halloween i
01:20:48
want you to look into your camera and do the most creepy voice of thank you for uh for being a bad friend as
01:20:55
creepy as you can happy halloween no thank you for being a bad friend is what i want you to see you say happy halloween didn't i say thank you for
01:21:08
being thank you for being a bad friend and that's all it's not creepy i don't know how we're not going until
01:21:14
you do it yeah that's true go get some gravel on your voice get some messy hair something [ __ ] creepy something thank you for being my friend
01:21:28
all right you do yours into your camera and i'll do mine go you do your creepiest
01:21:49
uh andres let's hear yours thank you for being a bad friend just like a spanish guy with a smoker oh yeah pete
01:22:01
thank you for being a bad friend pretty good rapist yeah and here's mine yeah ready
01:22:11
[Laughter] thank you for being a bad friend [Laughter] old-timey pretty good yeah [Music]
01:22:28
yeah do you know do you know do you know that our dearest pedro andres is taking his citizenship test that's amazing and he needs to become a citizen that's incredible and this and and he
01:22:40
he needs our help i do and no seriously though he is literally trying to now so here are the bad
01:22:46
friends you know we have an illegal here yeah well hey hey maybe two okay got a couple illegals yeah maybe yeah yeah and one of them is going to be naturalized right you're going to
01:22:58
denounce your citizenship of spain you're going to become an american citizen right yeah and buy a gun buy a gun buy a gun so this guy wants to take
01:23:06
a scissors citizenship test i can't even say it and we are we going to help you study what is it what do you want us to
01:23:12
do to help you get through it hoping you guys could give me the answers okay let's see i think we know i bet you
01:23:17
we know the answer i'm an american man rudy do you know some of this stuff no i should study too all right pull your
01:23:23
pull the mic closer rudy i don't know the first one i'm [ __ ] all right rudy who wrote the declaration of independence
01:23:29
um george washington adams john hancock john adams thomas jefferson thomas jefferson who said that
01:23:42
uh fancy i've been studying a little bit wait a minute you you you have to do you not know the answers to these
01:23:49
yeah what is one promise when you make when you become a united states citizen um
01:23:56
you you risk your life for the country for the country is that your answer yeah what is one promise you make when you become a united states citizen um
01:24:09
to vote for trump when he runs on a second term maybe i think that's it what do you think
01:24:15
you can [Music] you can buy a gun you can buy a gun okay what is it fans uh you have to um reject your loyalty to other countries oh i know that
01:24:34
and you better and you better who was the president during world war one i don't think roosevelt you know when somebody says when you know when somebody says go back to your country
01:24:46
yeah where do we go uh what does the president's cabinet do other than hold it's china
01:24:57
[Music] this is [Music] [Music]