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hey bad friends I'm shooting my special I'm shooting my stand-up special this weekend this Saturday in Denver Colorado
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Denver Colorado come on out my last two shows I'm doing on this tour and then we're not touring for a long time until Bobo and I go do bad friends live
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sometime next year so this Saturday September 24th I'm doing two shows 700 to 9:30 Andrew Santino dcom is where you
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get the tickets Denver come out and see me shoot my special Andrew Santino
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[Music] docomo white dude an Asian dude you two
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are disgusting you two are something we're bad friends why do people have to
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understand your temperament because they have to know who I am to know who I am we're in New York I know I know I know
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we're in New yor York in New York baby your New York impression is so bad it's un New York hey how you doing hey baby
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in Walking in the Rain I do a little accent in it go ahead hey baby how you
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doing baby how you doing yeah yeah it's got like a Rican Vibe no hey guys we're
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in New York City we're in New York New York we're in New York teach me how to teach teach me how to talk I I'll it
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nobody there's there's a bunch of different New York New York New York no do give me like three sentences in a row
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and I'm going to try to um all right this is my best New York and wolf can give me a thumbs up if it's good okay
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this is my best New York ready yeah oh hey that's how they do us when they
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go California dude everyone sounds like that dude New York sounds like us they sound unless they're oh you don't like
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New York I don't like it why have we've been having so much fun no I have fun with you but why you don't like the city it's just like you know you go down to
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the lobby of the hotel and everyone's working they're on laptops they're doing things're what are they doing jobs what
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jobs this is what it's like to live in LA nobody works I love it nobody works I love lazy but everyone at a coffee shop
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is doing like a [ __ ] screenplay that's never going to get made at least out here they're doing business real jobs are they or are they on YouTube
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most of them are on YouTube yeah yeah yeah but half of their job might be YouTube based another thing is is that
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like this is I've never seen this before in my life you'll see like a 12-year-old kid yeah alone yes wandering the streets
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wandering the streets in like working or they're working yeah but they're they're in a prep school outfit yep right and
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they're just going to school in the big city yeah don't they get captured all
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the time and they don't care the parents don't care we just got to make a new kid that's right you can you have more nut
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juice to make there's so many there's more nut juice here in New York unit States yep you can Google it there's
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more nut juice in New York than there is in any state in the United States really yep I got a lot of nut juice man you're
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not you're not as big as New York have you ever I know I know have you ever gotten your nut juice tested what do you mean in terms of how many the your
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Seaman count four four at a time can I tell you I just got mine you how many how many 98.6 million at one time one
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load 98.6 million sperm oh I should get mine tested you got to see who's got stronger jizz oh you think you have
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stronger I think I have more swimmers for sure well mine are waiting oh yours
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are waiting mine are not waiting waiting yeah waiting waiting in the water w a waiting in the water they're just kind
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of flow you yeah they're relaxing they're bobbing in the Gs they're bobbing yeah Bob in the yours is like
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working yeah yeah yeah yeah my jizz are so anxious to get you know mine are jerking up making more jizz your jizz
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are jerk my my jizz jerks off and makes more jizz that makes sense and then those Wade I want to get you T to see
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how many you have cuz I bet you you you probably have a ton I probably have a lot you know I've gotten women pregnant
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before how many times twice two times yeah and they were
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both carried to term no you have two kids well in heaven they'll be up there are they whites they're kilas oh they're
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both kilas yeah yeah that's cute so I'm going to go up on to heaven when I die and see and thanks a lot
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dad that's my biggest fear cuz they're Souls right yeah but that's if you believe in that some people believe in
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that I I think there are certain religions that believe that you see your uh uh unborn child after death I don't
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or what if you see just two sperm up there yeah they don't talk and they're
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just like mad but they don't say anything we didn't get to get to develop little angry sperm yeah yeah maybe you
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do see them in the you think mine have little Chinese eyes like this well that's why they're bumping into everything they can't see where they're
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going do you think your sperm has red hair bright bright red hair that's how it gets through the tunnel just it can
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see better through the tunnel cuz they look like flaming hot Cheetos your yeah yeah but if you miniaturize it that's
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why when I come I go oh it burns it hurts when it comes out do your tum burn every time it comes out because you have
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red hair yeah wow if it didn't have red hair it wouldn't burn so much when you were a kid and you saw the red hair were
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you bummed sad yeah I'm bummed for you yeah me too it's such a weird color right wolf like you have beautiful black
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hair it's cool relevant right don't try don't try this thing that you're doing no he likes me no don't try that thing
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that you're doing we have gi you have beautiful black hair no we do we have a good thing going right just doing that thing and you is is he doing the thing
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he do no he loves it dude beautiful black hair you're like a white girl from the suburbs I love your black hair what
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you people do with your hair WF is that what you're feeling what you people do with your hair is so fun yeah I love
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your black hair don't put me in that box that is you I did that yeah K you're a you're an Asian Karen you're Kina
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I love your black hair you think there are katas kinas yeah I bet you there's got to be a Karen an Asian Karen I've
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never seen it what's it what's cuz Karen is the hacky white woman name what's a what are you doing in the park with a
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skateboard huh I you know this is p of property some kid with a SK ASI kid with
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a skate what do you what do you mean you mean no she only does it the white kids white kids that are skating in the Park
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yeah get out of here yeah yeah why you grinding yeah don't you yeah this is Pap
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Pap you don't grind but she knows the lingo right she's like I saw your Tre FP it was bad you treay FP in I saw that
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brunt you know Tre flips brunt slide Bron slide yeah flip it over do a dark SL side do a
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dark slide if you're really skill yeah you're skill [ __ ] get out of here that not 360 flip the hot flip H flip
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hard flip yeah yeah yeah what's what's a what's the most common what's a sh shitty Asian woman name then that's the
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Karen for Asians cuz Karen is the white woman name yeah I don't really know a lot of Asian ladies names what's the
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most common Korean female name well you know you see a lot of Graces yeah Grace but that sounds nice
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yeah cuz Karen has a bite to it Karen it the K is that's only because of Good Fellas oh Karen yeah yeah he [ __ ] it
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up for Karen you think Ray leoda did that yeah Leota did that Karen what why
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would you do that Karen I was scared she dumped all the coke Carol was cool was a
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hot cool name it's like Hitler Adolf he [ __ ] it up there's always one thing that [ __ ] it up what did he do dude
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Adolf I don't remember but Adolf was cool before he did that the name Adolf dude everybody had Adolf and now you
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can't do it now you can't do it uh oh uh oh who's here nobody oh when another person with
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beautiful black hair go ahead and say it to them and see what they say so many beautiful blackhaired people here see
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that's why you love New York New York and Har beautiful black hair guys literally
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Never Been to Harlem no idea where it is what part where is it how do you get to Harlem from here Subway yeah but in your
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face which direction can you get to the sub can you get to Harlem with the subway sure of course you can get anywhere in your [ __ ] face what direction south south of here north
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north of here you go north that's right yeah yeah but like where north north where Northeast Northeast yeah okay and
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then West is it past the park or below the below the park there's so many parks that's Central Park is the Park yeah nor
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it's north of the Park yeah okay is it not it is end of [ __ ] game you did it
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end of [ __ ] game where's Queens oh this is West no it's East well
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it's Northeast of here we're downtown we're downtown we're the we're almost I don't know where I am oh we're
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downtown we're downtown oh then it's [ __ ] East well it's up and East yeah up and East yeah up I didn't know where
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my location was so yeah it's cool man I like going over there you do love New York where we been so much fun the whole
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time we've been here yesterday we went to Staten Island and we went and did Chrissy Chaos's podcast and he took us for good good pizza really good pizza
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and then it's like the people that work there are so new yorky but that was the first New York like really new yorky
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kids I've saw Staten Island kids yeah they were like you know um we met a cool chick who said her her boyfriend was a
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big fan you feel an indifference what do you mean like they don't care about you at all they're just cooler they're
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cooler than they above it or whatever well you didn't like it he doesn't like not getting recognized when we walk through the streets so stupid Bobby
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doesn't like getting not recognized what did you say to me yesterday why lie on the show you said to me you go you know people said that people notice me more
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in Brooklyn than they do in Manhattan did you say that to me yes or no yeah as a factual thing but what was it rooted
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in you like being rooted into happiness dude why do you do this why do you do this you like being recognized no
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I don't yes you fous do you love it that's why you walk slow behind me
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when we walk the streets together you walk slow behind me like PES because you want to be recognized no can I say something you don't want be Rec you want
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get real then go ahead all right when we're walking up here right some kid right goes you're Andrew Santino you go
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yeah and he goes can you help with cancer and kids with cancer kids with cancer and you go [ __ ] off and you
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walked off cuz I don't kids with cancer forget about are adults with cancer I might think about I was signing the
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paperwork but kids I was getting my email yeah I gave him 40 bucks Bobby's mad because I said I'm sorry we have to
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keep going goes can you have a sec you know those people that are like can you have do you have a second for kids with answer it's like yeah I do but not now
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now is not a good time for whatever you've got me on the sidewalk doing and Bobby's mad because he didn't recognize
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him isn't that true you didn't like it that he didn't recognize you your smile say know you but how does he your smile
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says it how does he know you and not me Davey I'm on a television show right now
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oh yeah you're on a television show but it's not as popular it is it actually is going to be
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bigger well it's not bigger it's just no reservation dogs it's it's just more relevant no that doesn't mean any it's
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my show is definitely more relevant no that's not my Show's more popular mine's more more important important for what
00:10:36
Native it was the first you're not native the show is about natives I know you contributing it you shouldn't be hon
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we cousins you're not native we're cousins Koreans and Native Americans are not cousins you don't have you're so stupid sometimes I'm closer to Native
00:10:48
Americans than you are I talk to them I'm in Oklahoma talking to them cuz
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you have you're getting paid to be no no no and I me you wouldn't do it otherwise drink water yeah Mr Bob drink water yeah
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yeah yeah the the clan the drink drinking water and deer in water no deer in wateran Deer in water deer in water
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yeah deer and water the family well that's offensive they go hey did you know I'm not going to do the accent do the accent no I won't do they said did
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you know right that we're cousins and I go how there's a theory you know this Theory right M A lot of people believe
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right that Asians crossed the bearing straight came down from Canada and
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that's where natives come from but there's another theory that native started first and they
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crossed the other way and made Ching
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chongs which one do you believe I believe it's all [ __ ] I think we all came from Africa and the Earth [ __ ] hit the Iraq hit the [ __ ] Earth and
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then everyone was divided up on different if you go to 23 and me or any geneticists right 23 and me is not valid
00:11:50
by the way that's a private company or ancestry another private company they solve crimes they use that for crimes
00:11:58
they're colle DNA they can create so they know [ __ ] right we very close in chromosomes no you're not yeah all look
00:12:05
it up dude just Google it I will Google it yeah you're the farthest away from being a minority I am the number one
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minority on Earth no redheads are the smallest population Earth of the white people no no I'm the superior white I'm
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the superior white not I'm the super all have defects and you're the defective one I'm the top white the redhe heads
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are the ones that came out all you know what I mean top white no they're not and wolf is laughing he knows what I'm talking about blessed us the most it's
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like when you see an albino black person which is fine oh oh this is interesting I love them let's go there what go ahead
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take a shot they're the good ones oh they're the good ones they're the special ones are regular black people
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bad ones no they're all good oh all black people are good as all good bot so
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all lives matter is that what you're saying yeah all no just black just why why you I wanted you to say so bad I
00:12:55
wanted you to say it's so bad what all I love black lives but you love all lives I believe that black lives matter is
00:13:01
more important than all lives matter but you've said to me before all lives definitely matter you've said that in yeah like theoretically and also
00:13:08
philosophically yeah I disagree it all I think almost no lives matter oh you you
00:13:13
go against the grain I think only a couple of lives matter yeah like 10 people matter but in Our Moment In in
00:13:19
the American history right black lives matter because that's the focal point that's that's who are being targeted by
00:13:25
police right yeah and so it's like and by your people oh you think Asians are [ __ ]
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targeting black Koreans are the number one target target targeting black people number one people it's all over the
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paper 100% true the amount of the attacks in this city on Korean black liquor we sell black
00:13:43
[Laughter] people we're symbiotic you know what I
00:13:49
wanted I wanted to start off with a happiness exercise go ahead I want you to see this girl will you show him that
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girl please why are we starting it now wait you I want you to cuz I want us I want us to get into this this
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we need to Humble our mood cuz we're getting too fast too hot and heavy oh too fast I found this girl on Tik Tok
00:14:05
last night yeah and I watched all her videos maybe maybe 10 times a okay watch
00:14:11
this can you full screen that watch this beautiful girl she gives you these breathing and sound exercises I want to
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try one
00:14:37
what is it she's dead serious it's what is it PA Push pause it's a language it's
00:14:43
a new language play any of the other ones she has you do one what does it say up top
00:14:50
what does this one say soul heart opening right so if you want to open your soul heart
00:14:56
yeah you just sound [ __ ] Scottish that's what she's doing no she's not you sound like [ __ ] williiam Wallace then
00:15:02
you do it will that's what he did when he was fighting William then you do it
00:15:11
right that's the Asian sound opening you sounded Asian even when you
00:15:16
try not yeah yeah let me ask you something she speaking to the universe if you were hook him with a girl and she
00:15:21
was doing that would you stop I'd come in seconds you would if she started going I
00:15:27
wouldn't i' be done in a second how could you stop I would be so my dick
00:15:33
would just soften in her vagina Wa Would you go back would you be in character would you and then when I pull out it would be like [ __ ] a gum piece of gum
00:15:40
like yeah I like I would be so [ __ ] soft would you would you would you play along though a little bit if she started
00:15:46
going would you just go baby it would be hot as [ __ ] you turn
00:15:51
into a bird that's roleplay dude it would be so annoying let give me the other there's one more I think where it
00:15:57
says like happiness exercise or something like that there's one that what is
00:16:04
that she's so annoyed
00:16:11
dude I love this girl it does feel good though see oh so it did work it does
00:16:16
work all right let [ __ ] it feels so I feel do it you do it
00:16:27
[Music] it does work I feel good so much better clean yeah shout out to this chick what
00:16:34
is her profile name on there Soul heart opening Soul heart opening do you feel like your soul in your heart is opening
00:16:40
up a little bit a little bit because I got to tell you you've been happier than you've ever been lately I've seen you smile a lot more yeah you danced in your
00:16:46
room naked this morning didn't you over the city of New York you told me you open the blinds and you just Whirled around the room no because I just like
00:16:53
being here I know but I'm saying you say you you love waking up in the morning in a new city and you were in the window
00:16:59
naked dancing because you know we you know we were in the pandemic for so long and you didn't get to go to hotels I
00:17:04
didn't get to do any of it and it's just like you know I just feel a little Freer that's all it's nice to go well I think
00:17:10
it's also not being at home sometimes because you wake up at home it's the same exercise that you always do you get up you take a [ __ ] you do this you do
00:17:16
that make coffee you have the same pattern at least when you wake up in a new city there's no timeline have you
00:17:22
ever had jockish what have you ever had jock itch jock itch yeah are you having it I had a
00:17:29
couple weeks ago I think it's gone now how did you get a jock you're not a jock how would you get that I know I never did anything I don't do a well you know
00:17:35
you just shaved your pubes that maybe it's is that what it is yeah no but it's not even on the Pew part it was off the side on your thigh yeah well because
00:17:42
your thigh between the sack and the sack and the thigh but your thighs rubb together yeah yeah yeah well that's why
00:17:47
have you but does that ever happen to you no I'm in shape you need to do you need to just get some baby powder and put it on the inside of your little
00:17:53
little tiny Asian thighs can we get some afterwards 100% to Dwayne Reedy baby part baby b po how how much
00:18:00
does that cost like $7 or $800 for just like a little six o how much does it cost it's like 10 bucks oh 10 bucks okay
00:18:07
okay yeah you're scared now about money you I just watched you order a whole lunch that you didn't even eat I know because I don't like buying things that
00:18:13
I'm only going to use once that's exactly what you do I know that's like your I'm trying to change my
00:18:20
weight how many vape pens do you have with you on vacation now or on on the trip on me right now yeah oh let's go
00:18:26
through not a lot let's go through I got one what's that one called this is uh elf bar tropical rainbow blast elf bar I
00:18:32
have this one Flume Flume oh iceberry lemon ooh I have this one ice Cola by
00:18:39
fog Xbox okay oh Xbox does that now 360 or or I got another one it's this
00:18:47
is Cola another Cola I got this one what Vietnamese
00:18:53
coffee Vietnamese coffee that one's good I have this one it's called um tobacco just a couple
00:19:00
I guess that's it we went shopping and bought Bob show
00:19:05
everybody your bag that we bought yesterday from Fall what's how do you say fall is it fall Raven yeah fall Raven I I think they're
00:19:12
Swedish yeah I got it be yeah I really like this these bags fall Raven fall Raven and we walked in there and uh the
00:19:19
guy says to Bobby okay okay come on it's funny don't hurt me Bobby goes I just
00:19:24
want a bag I know exactly what I want I want like a strap and the girl says I use this one they're so dope and so
00:19:30
Bobby sees it and goes that is dope can I have the yellow one yeah she pulls it down and we go up to the front and there's a dude there was joke that you
00:19:37
said what did I say when I picked the yellow one no you first picked the orange no when I picked the yellow one you go oh it matches the skin your skin
00:19:45
and then she goes oh oh that's uncomfortable she goes you can say that I can't say that yeah something like that I said well it'll blend right in you won't even know that you're wearing
00:19:50
it yeah and the guy at the front desk goes he goes oh man Bobby Lee and I go
00:19:57
yes it is and the guy goes man I used to watch you on TV how come you're not on TV no more and I said he is on TV still
00:20:04
he's on a couple of TV shows and he goes nah man I ain't seen you on TV no more
00:20:09
it was awesome why do you like that because it was funny cuz and his friend in the back was laughing dying laughing
00:20:15
dying laughing well because they don't know that it's mean he doesn't mean it mean right right he's not it's not mean I was fine no no it but it it stays with
00:20:22
you yeah it does stay with you but it's fine it's fine I mean he yeah people do it all the time look when people say to
00:20:28
me something like uh oh you're in that show and I'll go yeah and they go I don't really like that show but you're
00:20:35
funny but I don't like that show how does that hurt you're good in it yeah but they're it's better than it's better
00:20:40
than what have you been doing for 20 years no but but basically it's the same thing it's like saying like I don't like that thing but I think you're okay all
00:20:47
right but it's like well don't I don't need to know that yeah you don't need to tell me you don't like it if you don't like it that's okay but I don't need to
00:20:53
know that you don't like it that's weird as [ __ ] yeah it's like every time I walk past a restaurant and if out loud I went
00:20:59
I don't like Al shal and just said it to the guy at the front yeah and he's like oh okay like yeah I don't like it but
00:21:04
okay bye I remember when I did the movie The Dictator I was sitting there at The
00:21:09
Comedy Store bill bwock by and goes saw the dictator hated it but you're good and that's made that still felt good
00:21:15
yeah but from Bill Burr it's fine yeah yeah from a guy on the street it's different that's true Bill Burr is someone you respect it's a colleague
00:21:21
it's a [ __ ] you know what I mean this episode is brought to you byid wallet oh my God this is a future wallet I I can't
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off your first box box ofw.com code is bad friends do you get nervous when you talk
00:23:42
to him not anymore but I know what you're saying it's I get nervous it's not
00:23:47
nervous it's um you're thinking about what you're saying yeah you're thinking about it and also you're you're ready
00:23:53
yeah yeah I'm loaded like I'm loaded I have a thing I want to say yeah yeah and sometimes you'll go don't worry about I'm not going to attack you today
00:24:00
sometimes sometimes right but I'm like up you're on guard yeah I'm like that with Chris Rock like with Chris Rock
00:24:07
Around Mar I never talk to him but I'll always I and then when he locks eyes
00:24:12
I'll always give him a pound go what's up man this and that right but I'm always so aware of it why are we like
00:24:17
that because because we respect them maybe but I respect disano I don't feel that
00:24:23
way with him no no but but we respect them in a way that they're kind of like a superior in comedy to us they are
00:24:29
superior yeah 100% [ __ ] rock are Legend yeah I mean it's just because because we respect him at a higher level
00:24:36
like Stephano is our peer she he's our friend we love his stuff but it's different he's our friend in peer we're
00:24:42
like rock or bur those guys I don't know we hold them on a little bit of a higher thing you know I think we do like I like
00:24:47
I've seen Colin Quinn here at the Sellar and I don't dare say hello you don't never he doesn't know who the [ __ ] I am
00:24:54
and that's fine but also I would never even introduce myself who is that Colin Quinn yeah are you [ __ ] shut up
00:25:01
you're so annoying I know I wouldn't even say hi I don't but why would I say hi he doesn't know me and also I don't
00:25:07
want to do that thing where you go hey I'm a comic and then he'll go so can I ask you
00:25:14
something just annoyed me the other day that I did no something that I I saw and then I kind of mentioned it to some
00:25:20
people and they go what's the big deal what so I'm doing the Improv on a Saturday
00:25:25
night at on Melrose yeah yeah and there's a guy on the lineup before me
00:25:31
and it's you know it's a Saturday main room right and I I got off stage and he was outside passing out his
00:25:39
flyer for gigs that he's doing what yeah he's hey come check me out here I'm
00:25:45
headline check me out wait wait go like this and say who it was I don't know his name I didn't even memorize his name I
00:25:50
was like what but he was a kid and he was on the main room show and yet he's out there just going hey my name is this
00:25:56
come check me out I kind of respect the hustle I'm not going to lie H really he's got a hustle what the [ __ ] he's got
00:26:02
a hustle I don't know yeah but that's not how you was he funny yeah well then respect but that's not how you do it how
00:26:08
do you do it my theory is this you do the work and people will come to you but
00:26:14
maybe he's not as good as you Bobby so he needs good he made it to the main room show but maybe he needs the hustle to grow because the times are different
00:26:20
when you made it when you made it it was different let me say something you made it 20 years ago 30 years ago 40 years
00:26:26
ago maybe that's funny you made it a long time ago that's funny you made it when mity was like 18 I mean she was a
00:26:34
kid when you made it old jokes I love it you got past hey [ __ ] you man you got past when you were a thin burgeoning
00:26:41
your eyes were wide well your eyes were open to the Future you were wide-eyed and bushy tail
00:26:48
so you're doing old jokes and Asian eyes jokes at the same time what what you think something's changed around the
00:26:54
show just cuz we're in New York my point is is this okay is back in my day it was harder would you say that in the '90s no
00:27:02
it was different there was no internet I know and now all these kids are competing on the internet so it's even
00:27:07
harder for them now they have nothing but competition now the competition is right next to them instead you had to go
00:27:13
live and do it in front of people I think it's a different kind of difficulty you can't compare it this is like the Jordan [ __ ] you know like
00:27:20
Jordan LeBron debate or whatever any of these athletes from different eras it's like you can't it's not Apples to Apples
00:27:27
it's impossible there's no so many factors that changed in our profession that you just I there's no way to say
00:27:33
that was harder I'm sure old heads would say it you just changed my mind I love you you did like Seinfeld would probably
00:27:40
be like it was way harder back then but you're like because maybe if I worked harder maybe I would be bigger bigger than what what you're big
00:27:47
how big do you want to what do you want to be what does that even mean I don't know you're as big as you want to be exactly so you're great okay wolf loves
00:27:55
you wolf likes me no he loves you you know what I love his black hair
00:28:02
yep [ __ ] it's beautiful the amount of letters the amount of letters we're going to get for this what you guys
00:28:07
should not joke around about that stuff about what oh you know dude you know you
00:28:13
know what I have to learn that you can't like you know how when I'm on stage I'll touch people's
00:28:19
hair don't do that at all you don't do that I do it all the time I've told you
00:28:24
you can't touch people yeah so I touch people's hair I go hi welcome to the show right yeah but I learn not to do it
00:28:29
to black women's hair they don't like it yeah that that's that I mean that's like I think you get five to seven years from
00:28:34
yeah they don't like it I think that's a big [ __ ] it's a big no no also if you get punched or slapped because of it then then you deserve it yeah but here's
00:28:41
the have you ever gotten violent like an attack verbally but you've never been physically assaulted no oh I mean a guy
00:28:49
threw a shoe at me in San Diego at the La Hoya comedy store oh he did it was the funniest I laugh I died laughing oh
00:28:54
did you dodge like George Bush did when he remember when he did that and I and I throw the other yeah he threw a sand
00:29:00
that's when I respected George Bush by the way 100% I hated him before like go dude that his eye contact he ducked yeah
00:29:06
he looked he did this with his head too little Bobby yeah dude man but I was I also wanted the guy to throw the other
00:29:12
shoe I was like throw the second Shoe Right two shoes now you're going to W now you're going to be on one shoe they tackled him did they it's hard to for
00:29:18
the second shoe I don't know man he got one off when you throw one shoe at a president you have a split second time you got to each shoe in a hand oh yeah
00:29:25
yeah he he didn't think it through no it's an IDI Al oh come on in Ally hi
00:29:31
Ally makovski is here a Los Angeles based comedian did you do your hair appointment who was in New York doing
00:29:36
shows she canceled a hair appointment to come here because she said it's raining anyway appointment no no why bring the
00:29:43
mic up well first of all you guys I felt like an idiot you called me to do the podcast I'm like I have a hair
00:29:48
appointment and then I was like what the [ __ ] am I doing Alan makovski is here she's a little sister to me um she's
00:29:54
been on the road with me now my little birdie flies as free as she could ever FES so she doesn't need to come with me anymore she's a headliner and she's
00:30:00
going to be doing the show with us in grammar SE which when this episode comes out it'll be over yeah and I probably did so well you know but you know you
00:30:08
almost mad did you do well because when you first asked her she goes I can't I
00:30:14
have a hair appointment yeah right and then at that point I was just like wow
00:30:19
wow we can't beat a hair appointment yeah and then you called back and then you said I'm coming yeah yeah cuz it was
00:30:26
one of those thing I hate having cancel on appointments and things like that I feel like it's so disrespectful yeah but
00:30:32
I also made the appointment last minute so I'm like they weren't even they haven't even thought about me for more than 30 but how long did it take you to
00:30:39
go call us back literally as soon as I hung up I was like what am I doing she texed me right away yeah but you know
00:30:45
what's so interesting you tell me cuz I don't know with Guy Hair it doesn't it's different but girls hair is a whole
00:30:50
[ __ ] thing it's super expensive it's a long process when you cancel are they really upset if it's like been in the
00:30:57
book and there's a whole process but I'm just getting a blowout I just want someone to wash my hair there's nothing
00:31:03
better than someone else scrubbing your SC yeah why can't you wash yourself I
00:31:08
can but then they use women are lazy dude is that what it is La they're so lazy so lazy I grew up with my D I grew
00:31:15
up with a single father okay Bobby I didn't know that yeah it was just my dad well she also had a single mom too and a
00:31:20
single mom but I wasn't with her as much why why why why why why um she's an alcoholic oh no not anymore no still
00:31:28
she's still in the game wait she still Dr she hasn't hung up the jersey yet she goes she goes long periods of time
00:31:33
without it so it's just you never know how come I never hung out with your mom she rocks you drinking yeah yeah next
00:31:39
time she's on a bender I'll love to party with your mom go down to Long cocaine too no she's like very much like
00:31:45
she does cocaine nobody nobody drinks that much and doesn't do cocaine how do you think they keep drinking I think she likes to sleep oh she sleep she big on
00:31:52
the sleeping so she's anti anti- coke anti- coke she's like a very naturally
00:31:57
High High strong person she's got a lot of energy she lives cleaning the house where does she live um in the bay or in
00:32:03
the Bay Area in the South Bay in by Long Beach yeah so what that's Long Beach well she's from down there oh you are
00:32:10
yeah oh but but I I never learned how to do my own hair I don't want to I like
00:32:15
when someone else does it oh well because you grew up with mostly your dad dad didn't do your hair did and I had two older sisters but they didn't want
00:32:21
to show me how to do it they also were struggling to figure out how to do it yeah I've seen their hair I get that mhm
00:32:27
neither of them know what they're when did you when did you first get sober I got sober when I was like I think 20 did I
00:32:36
know you then or no I don't think so yeah yeah I don't think so I think we only knew
00:32:43
each well actually how old were you about it when we met I mean I feel like I I don't know because I feel like I saw
00:32:50
you guys at the store a lot cuz I was just lingering there as a young open micer I was like getting [ __ ] up at
00:32:56
The Comedy Store under age bad girl it was bad I could have gotten them in trouble they did get in a load of
00:33:02
trouble at one point do you remember this oh my God they got in so much [ __ ] trouble cuz they sent in the LAPD had found out that they people were
00:33:08
getting [ __ ] up there and a mom of of a kid called the police on The Comedy Store and said my kid got [ __ ] up
00:33:14
there they got in trouble blah blah blah they sent an undercover this is back in is this true yes this is Tommy days
00:33:21
though oh okay it's a completely different business I've been there since the '90s it's just night and day it's
00:33:28
like it used to Bea people used to run chaos chaos it was nuts it I got beat the [ __ ] out of there yeah I like that
00:33:34
by by the Jew say it again AR shafir the number one Jew the number one Jew he
00:33:40
beat the [ __ ] out of me he smacked you around yeah but you guys were friends right no not then oh I hated him yeah he
00:33:46
beat the [ __ ] out of me and they wouldn't call the cops they're like Let It Go I'm bleeding what started it you had to have
00:33:53
done something he called him a Jew what were you wearing no you don't know what happened no you wearing your were you
00:33:58
wearing your swastika shirt yeah he had a big swastika shirt he used to wear my mustache was different it was like one
00:34:04
of those little ones yeah it's like a square right there what you think is the time frame of that
00:34:10
mustache coming back in style it's about to there's got to be a certain time there a group of guys in Brooklyn right
00:34:15
now that have that without a doubt and Williamsburg is right there but I they're called proud boys PBS yeah yeah
00:34:21
no they so really you've seen people with that [ __ ] mustache without a doubt it exists W SE mustache have you
00:34:27
ever seen a hit mustache out and about yeah see it's out about mustach it's there cool guys cool hip dudes you know
00:34:33
cool guys that [ __ ] they Teeter on the edge yeah they love it and and then if somebody says something they're like really you think this is a Hitler
00:34:40
mustache [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] like they throw it back in your face like you're and they're like get out of here dude
00:34:46
but I can't see how that was fashionable even back then it looks cool as [ __ ] it do it looks awesome it looks that's
00:34:52
supposed to be here not here no it looks strong oh maybe it just looks like strength coming out of your know it does
00:34:58
you you guys are down here you guys started down here well yeah we did the F man Sho we did the opposite love F we
00:35:03
went down yeah should I do that you should do it I would love fuman he he can do it better because his hair see
00:35:09
his beard hair how it's like stringier mine is bush like my bush would it's thick it would come out like this yeah
00:35:15
it's forward yeah yeah but yours is beautiful no because this does grow down I'm going to do F man too please you
00:35:21
will I I I'll try to do it with you all right let's do a Fullman two contest would you ever shave huh would you ever
00:35:27
shave this beautiful thing I shaved no cuz I don't like my face I shaved my beard like four times in the history of
00:35:34
me being in Hollywood like for a job I did it for rest of development and then did they have a moment where they're
00:35:40
like we're going to shave your face and you're like it doesn't look good and they're like we have to and then they realized they [ __ ] up and they're like
00:35:46
put it back yeah and they have to just it right back on my face no every time though it just doesn't I look as old as
00:35:52
I'm going to look so like it even without it it's not like it ages me down when I shave I just look like like me
00:35:58
without facial hair yeah which I'm still a CutiePie it's just not the same but I love my D I've had this since I was 16 I
00:36:05
grew facial hair when I was 15 years old and I loved it and I never not got rid it I just started getting facial hairs
00:36:10
really do you have a do you have a mustache I have a mustache for sure you waxed it I waxed it yeah do you have a really Bush I feel like you have a real
00:36:16
Bish like a Amazonian Bush yeah cuz I have like I have like Russian Russian
00:36:22
DNA some like yeah you know Russian Jews have the thickest bush yeah so it's a it's a
00:36:28
night you have hair on your nipples not yet I have one and you you you keep it I keep it why cuz I like it good it's only
00:36:36
one but is it long it's probably long no no no oh it's not when you when you when she gets married that it says will you
00:36:42
take this woman to be you now pick the nipple and then you can pick the nipple hair that signifies love so what's your
00:36:48
ideal if you could like draw like if we had like one of those crime investigative draws very interesting you
00:36:56
should get one of those on the pod so she's um Bob's ideal woman 5'8 good
00:37:01
number I'm 5'8 uh oh care what if he just keeps describing me I'm like why did you guys bring Allison Ali one of
00:37:07
those she has stringy dirty hair okay one nipple hair okay yeah yeah I
00:37:16
feel like I know someone like yeah yeah yeah like I met you know snuff upus yes from from from Sesame Street
00:37:22
Sesame Street yeah imagine if snuff Opus just bushes down here oh I love it oh yeah yeah yeah yeah that's the kind of
00:37:28
girl you want yeah and the and the [ __ ] is as long as snuffle up snout snout yeah his Snuffy snout right okay then
00:37:34
it's not me no she's talk I don't even have a hole down there yeah yeah yeah yeah and um yeah it's not no I'll tell
00:37:41
you real okay so about 58 5'9 mhm thin how tall are
00:37:47
you why 53 just C I want to imagine the he's 53 53 okay yeah 53 54 hey yeah it's
00:37:55
on 552 it's two without shoes that's we measured the studio we already wait wait 5'2 without insane 53 with socks
00:38:02
and shoes okay and spiky hair and spiky hair yeah yeah 53 with spiky hair all
00:38:08
right so um she's 5'8 she's thin what does thin mean give me a weight range 125 58 125 is pretty thin that's
00:38:16
really small no no no it's just really th no that's like that's like really small that's like not even it's really
00:38:21
thin 530 I 130 I mean five more pounds that's so funny 135
00:38:28
that's like 125 is what every woman says on their driver's license yeah unless you're like over 200 lb if you're if
00:38:35
you're 189 lbs you're like I'm 120 what you say on your driver's 120 you do
00:38:41
that's so fun they all say that you think I'm 120 cuz a lot of guys think that people it won't hurt my feelings if
00:38:46
you say no but a lot of I would know you know here's why weights are tough because everyone holds weight different
00:38:53
like people look at how I'm 61 how much you think I weigh I'm so bad at mean I can never work atal no I'm going to say
00:39:00
what are you I'm going to say how big's your
00:39:05
penis okay the whole thing yeah I'll say one
00:39:11
190 195 W sign me up that's actually really good cuz I can't guess cuz you're
00:39:17
to me are you 180 or 185 you're
00:39:24
190 how much you know it's 165 yeah yeah is that good or bad it's good it's very
00:39:30
good it's not fat well cuz fat because muscle weighs more than fat and he's got
00:39:36
super strong so much more fat than muscle it's most skin it's mostly fat
00:39:41
it's mostly skin too lot of skin and blood skin and blood blood blood we yeah yeah lot of blood you know why I'm fat
00:39:47
it's cuz all my blood let's go back to my girl all right 5'8 thin 125 yeah I
00:39:52
like 125 to 145 let's just I don't like big breasts you don't like Big T I like M mid range
00:39:58
I don't know what the cup sizes or whatever but I don't like big guy BC Guy what's BC mean b or c you don't want D's
00:40:05
I don't want D okay yeah yeah it's just I don't like it it's okay you don't have
00:40:10
to like it nipple hair or no no okay no nipple hair Jesus leave ol leave I like
00:40:17
um a pretty face what does that mean um
00:40:23
symmetrical yeah there's just certain like I met a girl the other night where she was five foot mhm right she had
00:40:30
small very small breasts you love small tits yeah and she was but her face was so beautiful that I I was willing to
00:40:38
compromise my the other nice of you and she was so funny too did she have to compromise anything with you you think a
00:40:43
lot yeah well yeah yeah what about piercings I don't like piercings nose no
00:40:49
no piercings like I matched I saw a girl on Tinder and she has one of those gigantic gauges hold whole things in her
00:40:56
ears yeah like dinner plate I went through a phase where I was about to get gauges is that what that is gauges GES
00:41:02
are down here but you stretch them out I like that I like I almost I could that could have been me I could have been a
00:41:07
gauge girl no tongue ring no I don't like that what about this one this one's kind of cool I don't like that what about one of these the face I don't even
00:41:13
like tattoos you have a bunch I know so what are you talking about I know woman oh so
00:41:19
you oh you get to Pure Christian woman yeah I like pure you a pure little white
00:41:24
I like little house in the prairie mhm girl that was raised by you a girl who knows how to like bake bread yeah turn
00:41:31
butter mhm you know what I mean that's what she's going to have to do when she [ __ ] you yeah and I want her to say ow when I enter impossible where are you
00:41:38
going to find this girl but just fake it wait wait so I'm I stick it and be
00:41:45
believable though okay right there we go yeah that was believable dude I just
00:41:51
got hard a littleit it's too soft no no cuz he doesn't want it loud cuz if it's loud you know it's if you know if it's
00:41:56
loud you you do it I've done this many times yeah but are you going to fake it or let's
00:42:02
just try ready right that's good too I believe that
00:42:10
yeah how many times you be faked an orgasm every time no no you come now
00:42:18
no door I tell you something right now Andrew um I love that's all I eat the
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door dash sh subject to change terms apply wait wait why do you fake it then
00:43:41
just say it didn't happen the older I get the less I stopped faking it I stopped faking it maybe like three years
00:43:48
ago yeah yeah you f have you ever fak an or I have me too I have it's embarrass
00:43:54
it's so embarrassing it's so weird it's so weird oh that's how I do it had a condom on so
00:43:59
it's like she didn't know do you know what I mean like she would have been like wait there's nothing there is nothing like I had a condom on so then
00:44:04
it's like oh yeah I came I just wanted to get F oh I didn't do that I pulled out and nothing came out I heard like
00:44:11
this and nothing came out she was looking at like what the [ __ ] Jered off like 20 minutes ago yeah yeah you have to lie that's a fail that's a la fa
00:44:19
launch why did you not come I wanted to stop I wasn't into it I was like this is but a smell will throw me off oh my God
00:44:26
will it ever will it one waft one have you ever have you ever gone to suck a dude and his Ball's stunk in every
00:44:32
single time every your boyfriend I know your boyfriend yeah his ball stink yes
00:44:37
every man ball stink he doesn't look like his ball stink even when he showers there's just a smell to balls do you
00:44:43
know why his ball do you know why tell me because he has a [ __ ] problem because he has a [ __ ] problem he has really long
00:44:49
balls so maybe when he's pooping they just kind of they may knock off the wall he has diarrhea I know this her
00:44:55
boyfriend yeah is he going to be mad no not at all her boyfriend has diarrhea
00:45:00
every day every single day of his life stomach problem they all have IBS oh yeah yeah is he Jewish he's yeah he the
00:45:07
percentage to Jewish people that have IBS is probably like 90 right but it's more than IBS a lot of people throw IBS
00:45:12
around yeah he has like ulcerative kidus extra another it even sounds Jewish ulcerative kidus it sounds like a oh my
00:45:21
alternative Kus it was called something else and then Jewish guys were like we have to call it ours his dad's side of
00:45:26
the family is Jewish so he has like the he has the like stubbornness of that side where he won't do anything about it
00:45:32
if he was like pure Jew he'd be at the doctor every day making sure it was fine hypochondriac yeah I mean he is but he
00:45:38
just doesn't do anything you know her you know you know her boy we can say his name we can say no no yeah yeah oh mo
00:45:44
you know his dad you know who his dad was like a comedy Legend was a manager you know this right no well you don't no what's his last name I'm not going to
00:45:50
talk we're not going to say that on what was he was a manager yeah he was a legend in the comedy world I I I know
00:45:56
that so what um he was it Mo bur no we're not going to
00:46:01
say last name we don't want to compromise the privacy but can I just let's go back to his ball though okay so more important no I have a the I have a
00:46:07
theory okay so check it out here's my theory all right better than her long drop poop ball thing cuz the poop
00:46:13
knocking off the that I got I saw it right away I'm going just make this up all right let's say you had an apparatus
00:46:19
right that's a box right imagine this box has a clear wall so you can see
00:46:25
through the box got it right Inside the Box you put a jelly bean okay yeah I'm there are you with
00:46:32
with me yeah so out of the box it's somebody's [ __ ] it's a tube that sticks to somebody's [ __ ] right and
00:46:38
this guy's farting into this [ __ ] box every day eventually that Jelly Bean will smell like fart so his underwear
00:46:47
your Mo's underwear his butthole stink so bad that his nut sack is the Jelly
00:46:52
Bean and it ferments you know what I mean down there and also during the day you know there's sweat and all kinds of
00:46:59
things that's happening right is he gassy he's not that gassy it doesn't matter his [ __ ] is not pure yeah for
00:47:05
sure oh it's leaking it's not leaking it's just not a pure [ __ ] like have you ever had a toilet after you flush it it you still hear it running a little
00:47:11
bit Yeah does his ass maybe has a little bit yeah maybe yeah yeah yeah yeah maybe running a little bit well he can't hold
00:47:16
his he can't he can't like if he has to go he can't just hold your muscles are strong I know he definitely has a leaky
00:47:23
so that is going to affect maybe the Jelly Bean thing I could have said it different way but it just took you a long time to say something you could
00:47:30
have just said I I know but still being in his underwear and so the close proximity of his balls to his assh it's tra so it's trapped in the stinky thing
00:47:37
well you know how you do a a a a dutch oven when you put the covers over you fart us to do with to C all the time can
00:47:42
you smell my sack yeah when we're we're like when we're in a car together or we in a no right now can you smell it no
00:47:48
cuz we're just far enough away you're no I'll just pull it out just smell my nuts EG you want me to smell it right now and
00:47:53
see what it smells like yeah go ahead are you being real yeah go ahead okay I'll see how it smells it's
00:47:58
unbuttoned already I stand up but you will smell it I'll see what it smells like yeah don't let wolf see he doesn't
00:48:04
need to see that okay all right smell don't get it too
00:48:15
close fres I got to lick it let me see again let me take it smell like honestly yeah it's it smells like clean laundry
00:48:23
wow are you wearing brand new underwear no dude it smells clean Koreans have a self-generating mechanism in our body I
00:48:30
we're future people your jelly bean is not doesn't stay in one place no well yeah that doesn't no that it's you have
00:48:36
it's you have a smooth little nut dude smooth like dud my nut sack has three
00:48:45
wrinkles what yes as Asian Asians we age good here and our sacks wow so you know
00:48:53
that I had no idea yeah and you don't can't Google that I thought it black don't crack I didn't know they don't
00:48:58
either right but you guys but we our sacks are just wrinkle Asian sacks don't crack wrinkle free them Asian sacks they
00:49:05
don't they're so soft too and they have a self-generating cleaning mechanism have you ever had an Asian guy you ever slept with an Asian guy
00:49:12
no why but not because I wouldn't why why why why but not because I wouldn't let me ask you this we all know why no I
00:49:19
want to ask a question right let me ask you something Ally okay how many guys have you been with so many none of your
00:49:26
business business okay let's just make up a number okay 46 let's say 20 okay
00:49:32
all right 46 out of the 20 guys you've had sex with how many have them been
00:49:37
minorities I would say half no let's be real no I would say
00:49:45
like uh a fourth so 25% have been minorities yeah maybe 25% and in that
00:49:51
25% of minorities does Jewish count as minority it doesn't they're white so 25% of minority i' say
00:49:57
15% right so the 15% right how many of them have been uh the percentage of that
00:50:04
black people um I would say just Jamar neighbors oh my God could you imag Brian
00:50:11
Moses Brian Moses I've heard his penis is so massive yeah it's actually you can
00:50:16
just tell this is actually it this is leg Yeah Yeah that's so scary so no
00:50:22
black eyes no yeah yeah yeah I would say that's like I I'm not good at mad out of the 50 out of all the minorities you've
00:50:29
had 50% of the okay of the 15 yeah yeah yeah yeah okay so 50% and then out of
00:50:36
the 15% how many have them Mexican I would say the other half maybe yeah so
00:50:42
you're racist just towards Asians against Asians yeah but but I would I would why we're around there's a billion
00:50:49
of us I know but you what you guys aren't it's just like okay in I'm in a room I'm in a room and there's a black
00:50:55
guy an Asian guy and a Latino Guy this is a funny joke coming away walk into a bar black guy as Asian guy and Mexican
00:51:03
guy walking into a bar well the Mexican guy's cleaning up the black gu robbing the place and the Asian guys doing the taxes who do you want to [ __ ] you want
00:51:10
to [ __ ] you want to [ __ ] someone that's working no no but honestly but
00:51:16
honestly you want Adventure and fun Latinos and black people adventurous fun Asian guys risk aversion risk averse uh
00:51:24
too safe she wants someone to ra am I safe you're unique am I safe I'm
00:51:30
asking you a question am I safe yes you are really you are very safe all right am I adventurous can be or you just stay
00:51:38
in your [ __ ] hotel all day okay so it's that's what I mean it's fair enough but she knows she's getting a gamble
00:51:44
when she goes with anybody else she knows what she gets when she has white when she has white it's Golden Corral it's a buffet well it's predominantly
00:51:51
it's it's all fine you might get a little noodle that was you feel comfortable with white well it's predominantly because when I started
00:51:57
whing it up it was in my like last year of high school and then when I was kind of going to college in my high school
00:52:03
was mostly white people my college was a lot of white people and so just the
00:52:08
circles I was in at that time white circle and then when I started doing comedy I was banging like these loser
00:52:13
open micers mostly also white what are you going to do dude I've I've had Asian so
00:52:20
count me out I love them and that's why I'm not asking you questions yeah love Asians love as you're a guy too love
00:52:26
well you know what's so funny no not as a now like in this mindset in my age
00:52:31
that I'm at uh they're not the most attractive to me the most attractive has
00:52:36
always been [ __ ] Latinos I just Latin just something about Latinos latinis
00:52:43
there's something about it well because they're just so [ __ ] hot and they just are cooler than you and they're mean
00:52:49
and stuff and they [ __ ] you up I like that they can beat you up a white girl can't beat you you someone who will
00:52:55
fight for you yeah they'll fight for me and they'll fight me want the Larry H Parker of women yeah har I want hararia
00:53:02
Balwin there's just something about it huh yeah there's just something about them they're just they're they're just
00:53:07
they're sexy they're spicy they're [ __ ] I don't know I yeah I think that's what it is they can fight for you
00:53:13
and they will fight you physically yeah you know and that's just that's something SP that's spicy about them I
00:53:19
like Koreans too though yeah K I think the next if I ever date again like in a
00:53:24
permanent thing yeah it's going to a full floated I bet you $1,000 that that won't
00:53:30
happen that's not true you're not going to date a Korean do you want her to like not really speak English that
00:53:36
well like do you want like straight from from Korea yeah cuz I don't speak Korean
00:53:41
she doesn't speak English that's perfect oh you don't speak Korean no I I can understand a couple when your mom and
00:53:47
you were speaking Korean yeah I can say stuff like um uh Boi Jing right thank
00:53:55
you you know what I said your [ __ ] is scary beautiful your [ __ ] is scary scary [ __ ] yeah yeah
00:54:02
yeah on that and it's probably not it's not scary it's not like Halloween Horror Nights it's like a it's like a scare
00:54:09
person I love you I'm I'm Sor I don't look at you that way but I love you when you take your pants have it goes this is
00:54:14
Halloween this is Halloween Halloween Halloween yeah no that's not true I know
00:54:19
I know like basic Korean to understand I can't really say it that I can say basic
00:54:25
things like where's the bathroom right but in terms of anything feelings wise that's what's why I want to data Korean
00:54:32
from Korea butore I can't I don't have to express myself but you guys don't express your feelings there's no words for that oh the new the new generation
00:54:39
does I know but the old one where you come from doesn't where I come from San Diego what the your your your parents
00:54:44
and your parents never said like oh I'm feeling sad today what's the word for sad you don't even [ __ ] know is that
00:54:50
crazy you have no idea I have no idea what is like um how about what's the word for excited or happy uh I don't
00:54:56
even know yeah that's what I'm saying I you went your whole childhood without your parents saying those words yeah cuz
00:55:01
I was talking to a Korean girl yesterday and she was saying that she lives in Korea and she was saying that gay is a
00:55:07
thing now what do you mean oh being gay over there since you couldn't if you were gay in Korea back in the day forget
00:55:15
it you're going to Japan I mean they're going to ship you out do you think that started with opa Gangnam Style why is he
00:55:21
gay noay but I feel like that music if you're at a club like I would kiss I would kiss well well well well Asian
00:55:28
Asian pop music and stuff and Asian pop culture always has a little bit of metrosexuality has always had a little
00:55:33
bit of like sensey boy stuff where it's like soft sweet cutesy pootsie but right
00:55:39
being gay no no no no no to that could you do a touring Crea like are you yeah three people would go that's such
00:55:45
[ __ ] [ __ ] can I ask you a question you would sell out everywhere in K can I ask you a question yeah is it impossible to identify specific members
00:55:52
of BTS I think they're I don't I I think they're clones oh you oh they're made in a lab yeah I think they're the same P
00:55:58
person oh that's interesting there's just no way can you I look at all of them I go they're the same guy you think
00:56:04
the Korean government made them and what color is that skin beautiful it's so white corpse white are they dead what
00:56:10
the [ __ ] is that they're Superior is that what it is yes Superior white they're Superior Korean are they future
00:56:17
gas like what why is that what are they they're gishes to be yeah I think they're beautiful they're
00:56:24
so beautiful see that's bu [ __ ] they're not beautiful yes they are they're like they're beautiful in a way that like um
00:56:31
like Channing Tatum is beautiful like it's just unattainable like it's not real it's different it looks like AI
00:56:38
made it I know I I did a movie with this Korean pop star named Henry Lao Henry Lao I told you tell you about him yeah
00:56:44
yeah yeah yeah and we'd shoot scenes together and I would just stare at a skin but violent thoughts like I want to
00:56:50
hurt him I want to take a razor blade and just [ __ ] cut his skin you well who's the ugliest person you've ever worked with easy
00:56:57
setup in podcasting yeah I don't want to hurt his
00:57:03
feelings because he's gonna get he'll call me right now and and yell at me we beep it you will I'm not you know I'll
00:57:09
do a vent triloquist thing and you'll beep it okay
00:57:16
right right how about you do do it vist origal who's the ugliest guy I know
00:57:24
another one wait do that one again I didn't
00:57:29
hear oh yeah yeah yeah here's another ugly one did you get that ventriloquism is so
00:57:36
[ __ ] creepy to me those people spend hours in their room just going like this going like this yeah yeah and here we
00:57:42
are outside my and the ones that are great that can sing in this and they do it but they they do it from here we're
00:57:48
all talking from up here oh that's really good pretty good
00:57:54
you you sing sing something [Music]
00:58:00
yeah no like the words your mouth is so closed when you
00:58:06
do it yeah yeah wait who's better at it you think can you understand let me just do it again well do a different song
00:58:12
yeah yeah what song is it but I also think the key is you like you have to do a really weird SM hardock life for us
00:58:19
it's a hard life for us you just look like Kanye Westman has jaw shot yeah
00:58:24
yeah so try that one but what do you have to smile yeah you they always are smile you do yeah yeah it's a heart it's
00:58:33
a hard life for us it's a hard life for
00:58:39
us it's so creepy hard you look like a like you look you try you try a smile
00:58:46
yeah it's a hard KN life oh that's so creepy wow I have practiced it alone you
00:58:55
[ __ ] loser you [ __ ] loser yeah you practiced that oh yeah that's amazing
00:59:00
cuz what yeah there's like there's like letters like instead of saying like M or something because you have to close your
00:59:06
lips you you use like an N I think so like if you were going to say like money you would say like
00:59:12
NY oh kind of Let's do let's do um ventriloquism like movie quotes see if
00:59:19
you can get this right are you looking at me oh my God who you looking at are you
00:59:24
looking at me I can't tell if you're doing an accent too what is your accent what what I'm not doing you think I'm
00:59:31
doing agent accent yeah you looking at me Good Fellas yeah no what Taxi Driver
00:59:37
oh are you looking at me looking at look at are you looking at me are you looking at oh
00:59:42
you do you looking there it is then that see when you do
00:59:48
ventriloquism yeah you looking at me you looking at me he you looking at me I'm the only one here I'm the only one here
00:59:54
you want be looking at me yeah yeah he's got to get sick of that [ __ ] [ __ ] who
00:59:59
dairo that that is that everyone that does it you know like every oh yeah I would never imagine dude I would give
01:00:05
you a million dollars if you met Dono to do that in press in front of him if I went up to him and I go hey I wonder
01:00:10
what he would do if [ __ ] he's probably heard from every Jacker Walkin also oh my God such a burnt impression
01:00:17
try to do one I can't do one your father hit this father you know what I realized if you just speaking of uh CR pop stars
01:00:24
opa Gangnam Style if you TR and sing that just normally like if I try and sing the words it sounds like I'm trying
01:00:30
to do a Christopher walk and impression okay do
01:00:35
it how do you know the lyrics how do you know the lyrics I'm a loser you truism and then you [ __ ]
01:00:42
memorize [ __ ] cuz when that song came out I was in high school and I like spent my days trying to memorize what
01:00:48
does it mean do you know what it means yeah it's talking about these women in this town in Korea who are like kind of
01:00:53
affluent sty dude thank God for him yeah cuz he opened it up I got more
01:00:59
[ __ ] after he came out no oh yeah yeah you can tell when squid Games come out you get more [ __ ] okay let's see here
01:01:07
you go I think you're right no it do it opens it up cuz white people then go oh interesting you know I mean and you're
01:01:13
in their thought process yeah okay so here's the lyrics to Opa Gagnam Style uh
01:01:19
it says a girl who is warm and humanely during the day a classy girl who knows
01:01:26
how to enjoy the freedom of a cup of coffee a girl whose heart gets hotter when Night comes a girl with that kind
01:01:32
of twist I'm a guy a guy who is warm as a young today a guy who one shots his
01:01:40
coffee before it even cools down a guy whose heart bursts when Night comes that kind of guy beautiful lovable yes you
01:01:47
hey you yes you hey you hey you yes you beautiful lovable yeah that is this is awful oh yeah this is aw what's he doing
01:01:55
now he's still doing that song Sitting on a pile of [ __ ] money yeah but what's he doing bro he made one song one
01:02:02
hit wonder is incredible it's the worst life what do you mean you're done you're done there's no expectation bro you know
01:02:08
this you know this dude okay okay let's suppose right you had one special that
01:02:14
killed it great and then that was 20 years ago but it made did it make me $100 million it made you $50 million
01:02:20
great and now you can't get a label to sign you you can't get another [ __ ]
01:02:26
great you you can't really I leave La I don't need to live this [ __ ] life and [ __ ] and then you going to be on one
01:02:31
some farm and do what yes and be a farmer and farm and I feel like you
01:02:36
always want to be relevant you always want to be in the public eye you want to always reinvent yourself and all that once you realize that's not your thing
01:02:44
once one hit wonders go I think this is just one I have a friend I'm not going to say his name but his group had a one-
01:02:50
hit wonder a massive I'll tell you off air I know who it is massive one- hit wonder one of the biggest songs of that
01:02:58
era they almost never did anything ever again literally like shockingly they
01:03:04
made one more album and it bombed so [ __ ] bad it was over oh my God yeah
01:03:10
he found solace at some point in the idea that it's like I just want to make music for fun
01:03:16
because this thing is a machine and it's just it's different than they anticipated they didn't anticipate that song getting big it just got big and
01:03:22
they were like we're going to walk away and be individual artists and music musicians and now just live and play now
01:03:27
they're all rich and they just play music for fun the original reason Rich how rich you're splitting between a band
01:03:33
tens of millions of do dude musicians make so much you have no [ __ ] idea they make so much money it's insane when
01:03:39
you have one hit song you can Tour on that thing for [ __ ] 10 years you're eventually going to county fairs and
01:03:44
weird places dude still a fuckload of money they're still getting paid dude those people and the song plays and all
01:03:51
the [ __ ] live shows and all the [ __ ] merch and all the times that loops on other things then you license it dude no I'd rather do this
01:03:59
dude I'd rather just stay like this where you are yeah I'm like I keep going
01:04:06
but I'm slowly moving up if I was a musician I wouldn't care about a one hit I'd go fine this is fine cuz like with
01:04:11
music you're yeah you're getting played in like grocery stores whatever like there's no comedy special you know
01:04:17
there's no comedy hits playing Market's [ __ ] we can't compare it to a J comedy's dead it's over all right I mean
01:04:24
I I don't know comedy's dead isn't it it's dying I think we're in the last legs of it I think there's because I
01:04:30
believe that because in the '90s there was it died yeah I believe it's cyclical and we're it's about to crash yeah you
01:04:37
know what I mean cuz special all the specials that Netflix was putting out but there's a lot of funny [ __ ] out yeah
01:04:42
and then too many people are doing podcasts now right I hate podcasts yeah and it's going to die yeah good thing
01:04:49
you guys are on on top of it when it goes out yeah good call I don't want it to die though it's not going to die
01:04:55
friends we like it too much no it won't it we're having so much [ __ ] fun you think that eventually we'll have 10 listeners no 20 but do you think that
01:05:04
we'll be able to make a living off of bad friends not forever what lasts forever
01:05:10
yeah I mean if we die that's one thing but like at 60 like 10 years from now you think we'll be doing bad friends no
01:05:15
I hope so I would hope we would you think it will no what do you think we'll be doing you think we'll be enemies
01:05:21
yeah and you guys will have like separate podcasts oh we'll sue each other yeah there would be a weird loss
01:05:27
dude that would break my heart if you and I were like testifying against each other at a [ __ ] trial we would make jokes the entire time that's all it' be
01:05:35
it would be your honor your honor order it' be Order in the Court it' be cracking jokes the [ __ ] whole time
01:05:40
that would break my heart man I don't ever want to do that with you we'll never do it never do it Ally tell us a really bad
01:05:46
um childish joke give us a joke like a kid would tell like why did the CH why did the
01:05:52
chicken cross the road type of thing did you do you know what that joke joke is about suicide yeah I just found out how
01:05:58
why did the chicken cross the road to get to the other side the other side of what the street no the other side you
01:06:05
know the phrase I'll see you on the other side do you know what that means Heaven yeah I'll see you in the afterlife and if a chicken is crossing the road it's going to get ran over and
01:06:11
no one stoping for a chicken it's not about getting to the other side of the street it's about getting to the other side of life it's the suicidal chick
01:06:17
chicken don't go to heaven they well they don't anymore oh you know what joke I hate it's not really a joke but it's
01:06:23
like a setup who has two thumbs and is going to get [ __ ] up tonight this guy this guy I that guy is
01:06:31
funny though oh wait wait so let me say it who has two thumbs who's going to get [ __ ] up
01:06:36
tonight you have to point yourself yeah this guy yeah yeah yeah whoa who has two thumbs and is probably going to put both
01:06:43
of them in his [ __ ] tonight this guy right yeah yeah yeah I never heard that before it's a white thing no that's a
01:06:49
common phrase no it's that's a Comm fraternity sority white thing yeah yeah black people have never said that no hey
01:06:55
man who has two thumbs oh do a black guy do a black eyy man who two thumbs you
01:07:01
like him now wolf y man yo dog it's so bad I don't care Wolf's
01:07:06
laughing I hate when you do it yeah yo who has two thumbs who get [ __ ] up
01:07:12
tonight this guy black guys black guys don't say that phrase that's a white guy phrase I want see if Asians have said it
01:07:18
right hey guy no hey Guy hey Guy hey
01:07:24
guys but two th and you're going to get who and going to get [ __ ] up tonight
01:07:30
the guy that's never been said no never that's never been said do an Indian do do an
01:07:37
Indian do an Indian who has two thumbs and he going to get [ __ ] up tonight
01:07:43
this guy that an Indian guy does yeah Indian guy does there's there's this Indian guy who works at the like corner
01:07:49
store on my street and my boyfriend will go in there we'll go in and like grab an energy drink or something boyfriend will
01:07:55
be like hey dude what's up and the guy lights up he loves when my boyfriend says dude and then he'll start saying
01:08:01
dude but he'll say it an insane amount dude yes dude dude is but dude is such a
01:08:07
good word oh he loves it he get dud do Adolf Hitler with the thumbs who yeah
01:08:14
please who has two thumbs and is going to get annihilated this evening
01:08:20
zy he's annihilating himself I can see that that's really everyone's like why
01:08:26
people liked him so much he was lovable that guy he wasn't as bad as people say
01:08:31
did you guys see the margorie Taylor green American Idol audition is that real people I don't know I do you know
01:08:39
who this is margerie Taylor I know her I hate her she okay so apparently there's a clip of her on the internet stage name
01:08:44
you will you show that wolf there's apparently a clip of her on the internet uh that there's no way it's her
01:08:52
well it there's a question if it is I thought it really looks like looks exactly like and it wouldn't surprise me
01:08:57
but they don't have footage of it do they yeah there's foot yeah there's a video oh really oh so it's confirmed there's no way it's her well confirmed
01:09:03
but there's a video of her auditioning like what does she sing I don't know I don't know I think that's [ __ ]
01:09:09
incredible if she did do American Idol cuz everyone's making the comparison like you know failed
01:09:15
artist yeah that's also true Hitler didn't Hitler didn't Hitler didn't even fail he never got into the art school
01:09:21
they didn't even let him in the school his his submission got Den died right like he painted it to get in you had to
01:09:28
like do something to get in and his didn't even get in so it's also funny that like that's normally the story of
01:09:33
someone who's about to be super successful in art they're like I never got into the art school so I just did it on my own and he's like I'm just going
01:09:39
to completely abandon the art it is kind of funny that uh for some reason
01:09:45
everyone that has like chaotic political um prowess they all love doing art stuff
01:09:51
like Clinton loves making Art Bush loves love stagram huh uh George Bush's
01:09:57
Instagram yeah dude such a fun follow he like loves that [ __ ] someone got mad at me they're like why are you following
01:10:02
George Bush I'm like it's Instagram yeah but this is the problem with Instagram and stuff nowadays like I just saw
01:10:08
someone last night I I looked up a guy I'll whatever but I looked up a dude and
01:10:13
I noticed he follows follows nobody that's a thing now people just follow nobody now and I was like I get it a
01:10:19
little bit because also sometimes you feel obligated to follow some you know when you follow someone and you're like I just like I have to follow them but I
01:10:26
don't know if I really want to see them in my feed yeah and then you have to mute them I mute them all right and it's
01:10:31
weird you it's so funny how I hated that dude for so many years George Bush yeah
01:10:37
and now I kind of like him I know he's become like because you know what can be worse he's just like yeah and he's just
01:10:44
like so old now do mean he can be worse what do you mean no because you thought you know what's oh right yeah yeah
01:10:50
because when George Bush was like this [ __ ] guy started a war with Iraq for no reason this and that whatever whatever it can't get worse there's no
01:10:57
this is the worst human being and then you saw Here Comes Jo Biden Jo bid wor
01:11:02
and then you're like oh Bush can't worse than this yeah are you what are you doing are you on tour after you go leave
01:11:08
with us you go to Albany to do shows and then what I'm doing a show in Albany yeah and then I'm doing a little bit of a tour well you're doing Albany where
01:11:15
else well so I'm doing Albany with St Vincent I'm opening her show you know V love them she's like best friends do you
01:11:21
oh yeah they're great music yeah yeah she's really close with them no yeah she's been going she you've done shows
01:11:27
with them before yeah yeah yeah and so you you do stand up I do stand up I cold open the shows was it hard it's a little
01:11:34
bit hard seems hard but her audiences are like really nice and cool and young and supportive yeah how many seats is it
01:11:42
we're doing like theaters like thousands thousand yeah that's amazing they're amazing band yeah it's fun she's amazing
01:11:48
I mean and then um then are you doing clubs after that or no yes then I have two more shows with her in Vegas and
01:11:54
Arizona and then I'm doing my own headlining weekends go to Ali movi.com yeah Ali movi.com go get those [ __ ]
01:12:01
tickets and go see our girl all right well listen that was a great episode it was a really fun do me a favor look in
01:12:06
your camera and say uh um thanks for being a bad friend number two number two
01:12:11
sorry M you see it I don't even see number two oh it's actually it's that it's it's hidden yeah thanks for being a
01:12:18
bad friend was that it thank you for being
01:12:23
a thank you her H being a bad friend
01:12:29
that's good I got to figure out being is hard than you thank you for being a b
01:12:35
friend thank you try to vent trilus in one Bob real fast thank you for being a friend very good Prett good that was
01:12:41
really good okay thank [Music]
01:12:53
you woo
01:12:58
yeah wo [Music]
