00:00:07
your house looks like a [ __ ] anthropology store it's light enough getting [ __ ] and i have to
00:00:14
sit there you live in a booger cave [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] don't talk [ __ ] about my mom the hovel is what i like to call her so
00:00:19
you're saying because we're real friends you don't care about white piece of [ __ ] you look down on others this is my
00:00:25
holiday you're looking this is my holiday down in other people's culture dude you're so annoying
00:00:31
[Laughter] you know what rat leather is rat leather yes is it with your mom is it what your mom uses to make your clothes when you were a kid no rat leather is similar to the
00:00:42
stinkiness of um your mom's vagina okay i mean you started with my story my mom is a professional work space dude we can get what are you doing [ __ ] angry for no reason i'm asking a question
00:00:55
pointed at me to get back [ __ ] yeah and keep it in don't even edit it out that's what you are that's what you are
00:01:24
hey [Music] welcome to another episode of bad friends everybody um yesterday was yesterday was yesterday was father's day
00:01:37
and uh oh boy i miss my dad and the thing is i wanted to um write a father's day um
00:01:43
song and um i told you i was gonna do that too yeah you promised me and i thought you weren't gonna do it i'm being serious and and i forgot about it and then we
00:01:50
were sitting here outside waiting for you because you were late um i wasn't late i was getting you sugar-free red bull rudy was i
00:01:56
getting sugar-free red bull yeah see okay but was were we here were we here before i called them dude
00:02:03
you called me it doesn't matter no no you called me all right can we do the father's day what's your angry about
00:02:08
you always do this to me you trample on me trample trample your turn you trample trample you trample trample yeah that's you
00:02:14
travel trample yeah yeah go ahead trampoline so um you know i while we were waiting for you um
00:02:19
because we were early cause i got sugar will you go yeah and i um i wrote a song real quick because i
00:02:24
write a lot of music on my i'm garage band so i just came up with i have an old older like weird song i
00:02:29
mean so i wanted to i wrote a song for my dad okay let's hear it all right daddy i love you daddy why you died
00:02:44
happy father's day daddy daddy i can fly daddy i miss you why are you dead [Music]
00:03:13
i'm sorry i took photos of you while you were dead and sent it to the heart says what was in my head you were dead and i whipped out my
00:03:26
phone i can't [ __ ] believe i did that [ __ ] i'm all alone daddy i love you okay there we go very good and i i have another thing
00:03:39
that i do that i don't really talk about but if i'm on an elevator and anyone over the age of 60 walks onto
00:03:47
the elevator i'll hold your breath no i'll get off the elevator period at any time every time
00:03:53
why because especially if i'm alone in the elevator because if this person dies i'll
00:03:59
probably just leave yeah you know what i mean and because i don't wanna i don't know how to call and i don't know what who to call i
00:04:06
don't know what papers to sign i don't know who to interview i got [ __ ] to do you don't you don't have to do
00:04:11
almost any of that if you died in an elevator and you're just by yourself where you have you
00:04:16
can't just leave you would just go somebody died in there and then they show up and then the paramedics help them
00:04:22
okay so let's get this let's play this out okay all right i'm in an elevator yeah old man walks in
00:04:29
the old man and he goes tell all young man i was in the korean war because old people always say something like that or they all say you know i love that chinese restaurant down the street
00:04:43
and i'll be like okay cool [Music] my heart right elevator open i call [Music] is this the hospital i don't know what to call is this hospital well you have to call 9-1-1 oh [ __ ] that
00:05:05
9-1-1 9-1-1 yes um an old man died what's the address i don't know i'll be right back and i can run outside
00:05:17
i gotta look at the address it's five five four four three what sure what street are we on they're that timberland timberland what state
00:05:29
california it's california oh [ __ ] california camberlin 995543 california tamberlin
00:05:36
okay well then um the analysts will be there as soon as possible can i leave no you have to go back in
00:05:44
with the man go in right now oh [ __ ] as i run back in oh [ __ ] okay i gotta do something i gotta put my mouth in his mouth
00:06:04
ugh i leave the elevator i'm leaving the elevator to go back outside i'll probably have a cigarette it's not by this time though
00:06:18
oh yeah yeah yeah sir yeah yeah are you the man that called the police i am the one okay what what happened to the man where
00:06:24
is he he's in the elevator all right come with us right now come with us right now come with us right now i put my my get
00:06:29
with me right now come on let's go oh [ __ ] is that him right there of course no there's another dead guy around the block sir i don't need your attitude i'm just trying to find out how this man died and when he died
00:06:40
did you make him [ __ ] or poop did you make him because i didn't i don't know what to do i just punched his chest so you caused this man to throw up
00:06:45
and have diarrhea inside of this elevator well because i put my mouth on his mouth turn around you're under arrest turn around you're under arrest what the [ __ ]
00:06:51
i have an idea you're on the run that's it that's what happens that's that's why i don't want to be in the
00:06:57
elevator that makes perfect sense if there was an animal you had to have sex with though forced
00:07:03
yeah probably sheep i'm from ireland i think they do that [ __ ] all the time yeah sheep
00:07:09
i think because because it's soft yeah and they're don't laugh at me yeah i think because
00:07:14
they're soft yeah and and even if they get upset they're just like so it's not that bad for me it would be panda oh because they're so cute well i don't
00:07:30
even think that's true and you could i could here's the thing if i was having sex with an animal i wouldn't
00:07:36
want them to think hey hey there yeah right somebody [ __ ] me right i wouldn't want them to think that you just want it to be a thing i don't want them to go hey there well then if you [ __ ] a big
00:07:48
animal then what i would do with a panda is you give them a grade a bamboo oh like i love the chew that [ __ ]
00:07:55
why goo bamboo right so i'd be like here's bamboo they'd be like hey there and then i
00:08:00
would you know and they'd be just so focused on but don't think it's so [ __ ] up from the
00:08:06
eucalypt is that eucalyptus is is that pandas no matt who eats eucalyptus sloths and they
00:08:13
black out right they just pass out yeah yeah they get really [ __ ] high because sloth they go whoa sloths live in trees how can you get them because i
00:08:20
thought about this right honestly i don't know why i thought about this but in papua new guinea there's a lot of
00:08:26
slumps right i didn't know there is right yeah so what they would do if they would go to papua new guinea right and slos you don't know i googled
00:08:33
this i don't know why i don't know why i researched this but sloths they come to the ground while they take a [ __ ] or they go to the
00:08:39
bathroom i've seen this right i've seen this in costa rica they come to the ground right yeah so imagine a bunch of sloths in the tree
00:08:46
right where are you going johnny it slots like i gotta take your [ __ ] gotta take a i'll be right back and as soon as he lands get him 50 dudes
00:08:58
come out they form a train yeah right and then he trying to run away right and he's like
00:09:05
and his buddies are going run frankie i'm trying to run right and he gets on the tree
00:09:17
right he's already been raped 40 50 times right and people are like jumping up and tagging them
00:09:25
right and just ripping them right as he goes up the taller the taller guys yeah the tyler guys right i mean that
00:09:31
would be a nightmare they'd be extinct plays for you because this is from my family to yours
00:09:37
this is happy birthday in korean let's all sing along for bobby let's do it [Music]
00:10:01
happy birthday to you're welcome dude that was so nice they don't do [ __ ] like that for you in north korea no they don't yeah yeah okay can i say this yeah yes all right
00:10:13
have you ever met anyone from north korea yes yes no you haven't yes it's like an eskimo you've never met an
00:10:19
eskimo you've read them among the books in the fairy tales what you could play with them on in video games maybe but you've never
00:10:25
met one your energy needs to change you get it going go get your coke go get your diet coke your energy needs to change your energy needs this change what i
00:10:39
came in here you were all [ __ ] no hellos nothing said hello no you're like in your
00:10:44
own world or whatever [Laughter] i will not shoot it if you come if i have a boundary do not cross the boundary put it on the
00:11:34
desk i will shoot you with it if you don't [ __ ] sit down put it on the desk put it away from you put it away from you no no no put the safety on no i'm not keeping the safety on yes
00:11:45
no dude i'm leaving i'm not gonna record today i will not shoot you i promise you if you if you get anyone near me i'm just
00:11:52
putting the safety on the gun sit down sit down then don't give me no i will not oh my god sit down i said i will shoot you
00:12:15
put the safety just sit down point that at me and don't do that all right well then just sit down
00:12:20
no don't don't talk about safeties don't talk about safeties don't talk about safeties oh my god
00:12:26
don't talk about safety don't point that at me ever again i won't you put it at me no i didn't uh no i
00:12:32
pretended yuma style no i you walked in and i showed you the gun all right i showed you the shoot my
00:12:38
[ __ ] hat give me the gun here i will shoot your redheaded face pointed at me get back on the [ __ ] back up
00:12:43
don't pull back put it right here no i'm not going to put it there put it here i need to protect myself put it on just give me the thing no no no no
00:12:50
no no give it to me he gets so angry because that can [ __ ] really do damage i'm not gonna hurt you i need to put the safety on no just sit
00:12:55
down let's start the podcast i will not [ __ ] do it give it to put it put it down it's fine give me it okay
00:13:01
i will shoot your head if your attitude doesn't change look i'm being 100 serious with you i'm 100 serious as well
00:13:07
if you shoot me with that gun yeah if you [ __ ] shoot me yeah i'm i'm i'm dead serious i'm dead serious my my hands these hands
00:13:14
will [ __ ] pummel your stupid face until it's city silly putty i will knock all your teeth out i'll stomp your [ __ ] neck in i'll beat the
00:13:21
living [ __ ] out of you interesting if you shoot me in the face with that yeah you're [ __ ] okay look at me in the eyes you're [ __ ]
00:13:27
if you if i shoot you in the head with this yeah and you beat the [ __ ] out of me yeah you're [ __ ] why you'll see why
00:13:34
because i you think that this is the only weapon that i have right now that's my gun i have i don't know
00:13:40
i have other weapons as well give me my gun no let me just have it no bobby you'll get
00:13:46
it at the end of the podcast i want it all right let me ask you another um question may i mm-hmm if i shoot you in the head if you
00:13:53
shoot me in the head let me just follow this through please and you beat the living [ __ ] out of me
00:14:00
listen would you end this podcast forever you swear to god if you shot me in the [ __ ] head yeah with a with an airsoft
00:14:07
gun yeah those are rock hard bbs yeah yeah they're not even the plastic ones right i would beat the living [ __ ] out of you
00:14:12
and then i'd make you do a podcast with me and that would be our final podcast i'd make you do one all [ __ ] up yeah
00:14:18
yeah and bleeding and dripping and no teeth yeah and me with a bullet can i say george
00:14:23
yeah okay yeah don't point it at people i'm not gonna throw it look at my hands not even
00:14:30
on the trigger dude it's supposed to be on the side it's just gonna be on your your trigger finger should be on the
00:14:35
side of the gun don't point it at me like this like this yes okay put the safety on i'll put the safety on you don't know how you have to pull back on those things and
00:14:46
it's not on s it's a little s no dude it's not on look i'm gonna show you yes put it up now put it away put it down okay that's it now the safety is off you just turned it off again it's this s
00:15:00
with the red that's f it's gonna fire right now okay it's not gonna fire okay good point
00:15:06
point it at the point shoot the plant shoot the shoot the plant yeah okay good you know what my [ __ ] you know what you know what my can i shoot the screen the tv yeah let's just see what happens
00:15:20
close your eyes close your eyes turn around are you gonna do it yeah but that's that's my tv how much is it i don't know it doesn't matter it's a [ __ ] tv like what then we gotta go get a new one all right
00:15:31
i kind of want you to do it now and i won't do it but if you do i'm cool with it we just
00:15:37
have to go get one then i'll go buy one now i'll go to the best so i get a better one here's my only
00:15:43
fear what i don't care about the tv it's a piece of [ __ ] tv but the cameras what if it hits one of the cameras
00:15:49
the odds the uh if i look at they rick it bounces the ball is going to bounce everywhere let me the odds of
00:15:57
it shoot your hat again that's yeah it's going to ricochet aim here okay if i aim it like this it'll hit george in the face i'm not gonna do it god dude if you do
00:16:08
it you're done thank you i'm gonna do it i'm gonna do it bobby yeah close your eyes bobby don't oh really i'm gonna do it you don't have the balls i don't know i don't have the balls to
00:16:21
shoot my own tv yeah you're [ __ ] oh my god dude i'm so scared you're a [ __ ] you're weak right that's what it is if
00:16:33
you shoot me i honestly yeah i don't need to do this podcast me neither oh if they shoot me we're dead this is
00:16:39
it this is it the last one we do you're right okay say goodnight then take out your penis let me shoot your penis
00:16:46
no i would never shoot you hold out your hat though can i shoot your head on no no no shoot the screen or nothing i don't want
00:16:53
to shoot the [ __ ] tv then we're going to get a new tv you're weak that's it be a man bobby in life this is for showbiz this is for entertainment purposes it's
00:17:05
going to ricochet and bounce off and hurt i'm going to turn around watch your eyes i'm going to close my computer all right ready yeah three two
00:17:20
no signal one oh right in the middle holy [ __ ] you did break it and it says no signal by the way ricocheted and hit me right on the shoulder no really that's what i got it
00:17:34
oh my god it did hurt it did break it um so sorry that's all right why did you do it you [ __ ] said to i was kidding why would you do that it was kind of fun it was fun huh
00:17:56
um hey everybody okay i don't want to do this bob i don't want to do this i don't i don't want to
00:18:12
do it jimmy kimmel he uh he's not gonna host the show for a while so i i'm going to
00:18:20
uh try to get the job there to do the whole things you have to [ __ ] do it i can't
00:18:25
believe i don't know what to say [ __ ] idea give me any joke to say i do comedy too
00:18:31
shut the [ __ ] up okay here we go hey alive around the world is uh the world is absolutely insane right now what's going on around the world uh hey everybody talking bang here oh
00:18:43
boy what go ahead in the world right now it's crazies 150 million a thousand people died from corona and boy melania trump i i do i [ __ ] her
00:18:57
i [ __ ] you gotta make it uh it's for network tv so oh okay so i saw it they said oh boy
00:19:04
what's going around this town right now holy moly [ __ ] and fifty thousand million people died from kovit 19 donald trump wife melania i i stick it i stick it away the vagina
00:19:18
the president do anything else with that oh [ __ ] okay there was a guy who was raising sea turtles and check this out and he's selling them uh he's selling them at uh two shells of
00:19:33
pop he's he's uh this guy's getting he's getting a killer deal on that uh don't talk about the maloney yeah not about no talk about the
00:19:44
president's life the blm black aliva they matter and you know you go to the protest right you stood sign do not do that to the black
00:19:56
right and you know one time i went to protest and i saw a woman while protesting with
00:20:01
her when she looked like uh you know milani no not the president's wife no but she i she's not it was not her because this was an la so
00:20:12
this is not her but she looked like okay she looked like maloney so she protesting black lives
00:20:21
like a black lives getting to the right and then i hit like this her hip right and i look at her i go you know one day you and i could go go bang bang no stop saying you're gonna have sex
00:20:34
with the president's wife she's not there okay yeah yeah yeah stick to your current events oh correct
00:20:40
okay okay my god what's going on with the uy2k the y2k man 2000. everything is going to be wipeout
00:20:52
there's a um melania what if you we never we're never going to get this gig if you do that
00:21:05
better oh my god andrew my favorite thing in the whole world is better help i was a miserable guy you know this
00:21:11
before um this year because i had never done therapy but through better help i i get therapy i'm so much more happier
00:21:19
and freer look it's incredible it's helped me out you start talking to somebody in 48 hours it's not a crisis line it's not a
00:21:24
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00:21:29
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00:21:35
it's free to change with somebody so um traditional offline counseling is quite quite more expensive
00:21:40
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00:21:46
people need to talk to somebody and you really should use better help want you to start living a happier life today it's also more affordable than
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traditional offline counseling and financial aid is available yeah and so many people have been using better that they're
00:21:57
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00:22:27
you know what andrew i was always thought i always thought that i was too dumb no you learn a different language no you're through babble i've been
00:22:33
learning uh french i've been learning spanish espanol uh check this out uh uh donde esta
00:22:39
uh andres see that's great yeah see i'm doing a good job i'm learning look it's uh it's a language learning
00:22:46
method there it is you're gonna speak a new language within weeks uh babel is a language learning method that's designed to get you speaking a new language within weeks with daily 10 to 15 minute lessons that's so easy it's so quick
00:22:58
um and it's super interactive right bob oh i love it it's it's easy to use yeah it is it honestly
00:23:03
yeah no joke uh if you sign up for babel you'll you can you can see how quickly you'll start picking up stuff very fast and it's
00:23:09
and it's also street slangs it's not just like it's it's it's how naturally people talk to each
00:23:15
other not this technical stuff right other um services yeah biblioteca it's not really formal it's a lot more loose
00:23:21
and fun realistic and you can speak 14 different languages oh my god spanish french italian german et cetera
00:23:27
et cetera et cetera speak the language like you always wanted to with babel uh tell him what we got for him bob and
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right now babel is offering our listeners three month free with a purchase of a three month subscription with promo code bad friends visit babble.com and use promo
00:23:44
code bad friends on your three-month subscription that's babble b-a-b-b-e-l-com use that promo code bad friends babble language for life i want to do something real fast because
00:23:57
everybody loved it um when we did a little scene reading and i'd like to do a scene reading right now but i don't know what movie it is it
00:24:02
doesn't you'll figure it out almost right away um i want you to put on this if you could and i'll put on one of these things so we're going to be doing a little
00:24:13
classic scene reading and i'll put on you have to put on that you put on one of those around your neck as
00:24:20
well i'm going to be doing a little little classic scene reading here for bob um this is one of his favorite
00:24:27
movies he said this so we have to abide by what bob likes and wants oh i forgot i have to take my headphones off um
00:24:38
but we're trying to get dressed here you let andre let andres do the direction that would be great all right give me those scripts are right there what the beats were
00:24:48
what do you mean what are the beats for you put them on yeah you got to put them on okay okay put them on and are you going to
00:24:54
put back on your headphones or no yeah you don't have to if you don't want to um give me a script and give him a script
00:24:59
this is something that the fans really wanted and also something that you love um what is that all right so you're
00:25:04
going to be the role of rose and andres is going to read uh some of the scene direction okay go ahead andre
00:25:10
what what movie is this you'll figure it out almost right away is it the notebook it would be almost impossible for you to not figure out the notebook
00:25:15
nope but you'll just figure it out almost right away you're close okay so guys ready interior
00:25:22
rose sweet what 1912 like in a dream the beautiful woodwork dude where's real first of all andreas just before cut cut just project a little bit more
00:25:41
you get to project a little bit more because you know you're you're acting as if you're the director or whatever does that yeah you know he
00:25:46
went to they went to a film school together i know they did so more right slow it down a bit okay start
00:25:52
from the top go ahead okay here we go interior hold on one second my phone's ringing
00:25:58
hold on okay go ahead it's rogue and i'm not going to answer that answer answer it yeah yeah no he won't want to be on the
00:26:03
show okay um okay hold on let's start from scratch here we go let's start from scratch go ahead okay interior rose sweet
00:26:11
[Music] like in a dream the beautiful woodwork and sat in upholstery emerged from the rusted ruin jack is overwhelmed by the opulence of
00:26:23
the room [Music] he set his sketchbook and drawing materials in the marble table
00:26:31
will this light do don't others need good light that is true i am not used to working in
00:26:39
such horrible conditions hey monet he crazy he crouches next to the painting stacks against the wall
00:26:51
isn't he great the use of color i saw him once through a hole in this garden fence in
00:26:57
gineri she goes into the adjacent walk-in wardrobe closet he sees her girl he sister go to the safe and starts working the
00:27:08
combination he's fascinated callus insists unlocking this thing everywhere should i be expecting him any time soon not as long as the cigars and
00:27:22
brandy hold out clunk she unlocks the safe glancing up she mets his eyes in the mirror behind the safe she opens it and removes the necklace then holds it out to jack who takes it
00:27:36
nervously you hold it to me give it to me [Laughter] what is it a what is it is it a sapphire what is it
00:27:53
what is it is it what is it is it a sapphire a diamond a very rare diamond called the heart of
00:28:05
the ocean sag gazes up well beyond his comprehension comprehension i want you to draw me like your french girl wearing this
00:28:21
where are we going he looks under her surprise and then we cut too interior bedroom dad is laying on his pencils like surgical tools
00:28:38
his sketchbook is open and ready he looks at us she comes into the room wearing a silk kimono
00:28:45
the last thing i need is another picture of me looking like a china doll as a pink customer i expect to get what i want she hands him a dime and steps back
00:28:58
parting the kimono the blue stone lies on her creamy breasts her heart is pounding
00:29:04
as she slowly lowers the rope jack looks so striking it is almost comical the kimono drops to
00:29:11
the floor tell me when it looks right to you she poses on the divan setting like a cut into the position we remember from the drawing almost uh just
00:29:23
bend your left leg and a little and lower your left your head eyes to me that's it
00:29:29
text starts to sketch he drops his pencil and she stifles her laugh i believe you're blushing mr big artiste i can't imagine mongiamoni blushing
00:29:43
he does landscapes tied on jack ask his eyes cut up to look at her over the top edge of the sketchback we want him to finish finish it
00:29:59
we have seen this image of him before in her memory it is an image she will carry in the
00:30:04
rest of her life push slowly in on frozen's face wow i know i don't know you still don't know what movie it is how can you not know what movie is it
00:30:16
jack rose a a a draw me like one of your french girls never seen what movie is it titanic what yeah so these people had to get along with you for two more months yes
00:30:26
i'm like jesus it's gonna be the worst two months but then i go but i'm in thailand i'm single
00:30:32
right so maybe two nights after that i went to the [ __ ] district just just a look two nights
00:30:39
yeah because it's by the hotel three blocks from four blocks from so you go down to the [ __ ] district what happens and i'm just kind of cruising hi baby
00:30:46
yeah yeah and go ahead come inside yeah if they touch me i'm an american you know i mean don't touch me
00:30:52
do you think you get a better deal because you they know you're asian if they say no i think they look at me
00:30:58
the way i'm dressed all that that i have no money really yeah they think that i'm the guy that like steals sake but do you think
00:31:03
they up charge for for for white man no but the white boy i think that they have these desires to
00:31:10
marry a white man and that they're gonna just like a pretty woman but in thailand you know
00:31:15
so they wait you walk around i walk around i'm looking but i know that they have dicks so i know but in my head i'm like can
00:31:22
you see there don't they tuck their dick you can't see they're wearing like little short panties some of them i swear to god if the circumstances are right
00:31:29
you would blow job you got a [ __ ] no i would get one you would but you wouldn't do sex
00:31:35
no because i i don't i don't like [ __ ] love hmm i never liked it but the way that
00:31:41
they groom it i think it's supposed to it doesn't i don't like [ __ ] love i also heard a story once
00:31:46
have you ever had anal sex one time with kalila no way yeah she would let you [ __ ] her in the ass one time well i first stuck my finger in there a couple of times yeah i've done yeah i do
00:31:59
the finger and i go up and down side to side to get some room going i don't like it too tight you put you're
00:32:04
doing like a yeah like a crucifix like a crucifix like a crucifix and i did a pentagram yeah yeah i might have done a swastika
00:32:12
yeah yeah so then i stuck it in there it was so dry well yeah it was so dry and it's a butt hole what do you think yeah it doesn't get it doesn't get wet it i don't i didn't even come
00:32:24
i think i washed my dick and [ __ ] her you washed then you went in yeah you should have watched after did
00:32:30
you wash after no i i stuck my penis in the dirt hole then i go i'm not into it so i went and washed my digging and i did vaginal sex uh yeah okay yeah smart but then what
00:32:42
happened was um i didn't and i didn't know where to go for like to get regular women like a brothel to get you were in the [ __ ] district
00:32:53
yeah but i didn't know where to go to get regular just a prostitute yeah so i didn't do it
00:32:58
i just but until one day i had four days off you know how like sometimes you're in a
00:33:03
different country big stretch it's a big stretch and you have near you're not so what i would do is i would go to lobby and just sit there and drink
00:33:10
coffee in the by the bar no in the hotel lobby and then you just wait for someone to approach you no i would just sit there
00:33:16
all day i didn't know i didn't know anybody really yeah it was really sad but then two
00:33:25
i could say it say it two movie executives from the the asian movie company yeah were there
00:33:32
they walk by me and they go hey i go i know you guys and they go hey you wanna and i go i already i didn't know what that meant
00:33:42
you know but i just got up and i just followed them and they took me to this place called amsterdam it's not enough it's a place
00:33:49
called amsterdam got it and you go in there and it's a restaurant at first you sit there and there's a fat
00:33:55
madame you know i mean you know that there was always a fat lady that no one would ever [ __ ] but she runs the place
00:34:00
yep and she's very funny yeah and then there was like a all-female choose the pimp yeah rock group going
00:34:07
ready you know that's what i got ready rather pee right the beetles yeah the pretzels yeah ladies and gentlemen right
00:34:20
and then um and then we ate fruit what yeah oh yeah oh yeah because you're gonna yeah yeah i don't know they just brought this g the biggest fruit plate i never know why no i don't know why
00:34:30
do you know that fruit makes your [ __ ] taste better oh you've never heard that before i ate a
00:34:36
lot of it you've never you guys know that don't you sugar high sugar content makes your semen taste better wow
00:34:42
that's why they did that wow so i'm eating it and then um i go i just turned it i go what happens
00:34:49
and they go then we go to another room and in this other room is football bleachers i'm not kidding
00:34:57
you like we're going to see what's about to happen like a usc football game bleachers but instead of fans there's
00:35:04
women yes and they're just lined up they're all sitting there like i was going to do my one-man show
00:35:11
right and i sat there and i go how does this work do i just grab it i'm what the [ __ ] up and the fat madame's there yeah
00:35:18
and she goes no you uh look at the number see they have a pin and they have a number and then they
00:35:24
have letters on the number what yeah so and it you know like this is sex slavery
00:35:30
it would say 237 and it would say b 237 come on and it would say um sm which means supermodel and they were
00:35:42
higher right and then there was like they were more expensive yeah it would say yeah it would say zero v v
00:35:49
is what vietnamese it's like derp pennies it was [ __ ] amazing same kind of brain same brain [ __ ] yeah and keep it in don't even edit
00:36:03
it out that's what you are that's what you are like that cut that out or bleep it do you look like a fool
00:36:16
you know it's like so funny it's like when people do foolish things like that and they say that they go into a thing like what you're
00:36:23
doing you're frozen i know you're frozen right now because of shame no no i'm listening
00:36:29
no you're going like this no i'm listening to your [ __ ] oh [ __ ] how do i get out of this one that's not getting out of it
00:36:35
i'm faster than you i'm funnier than you i'm stronger than you i'm taller than you i'm better than you in literally every physical way and mental i get out of
00:36:42
this one you're a t you're a little tiny i don't really mate booger rat [ __ ] and that's where you and you're that's where you're gonna go stupid names no you're
00:36:56
yeah but we're gonna cut that out so it doesn't even matter we're not we're leaving in our tart you said it to me you called it to me three times
00:37:02
just apologize for making a mistake no you didn't you made a mistake i'm not apologizing
00:37:09
for [ __ ] thinking something was something else i said no it's a rubik's cube movie yes and rubik's cubes are two different
00:37:15
things it's the point of the film it's not the [ __ ] the [ __ ] item it's that i oh yeah there was a kid who was the champion he
00:37:20
got taken over and i'm thinking oh it's a [ __ ] rubik's cube well how would you magnus it's not even called the title of the [ __ ] movie [ __ ] man
00:37:28
you made a mistake you look like a fool and that's all no it's only because you ran into it with your car no it could have gone oh yeah it was a
00:37:35
sad to watch you just now just please and like go through that [ __ ] thing you're
00:37:40
you're you're go ahead give me a name so i'm fat [ __ ] i'm weak yup yeah no i wouldn't
00:37:46
be able to survive in a forest fact yeah unless there was a [ __ ] bakery then there were but i'm alive
00:37:52
in a tree who made cookies am i not alive i hope your [ __ ] feet go now diabetic [ __ ] turkey when
00:37:59
you're listening ladies and gentlemen bad friends friends fans when your teeth fall out when you're smoking let's just
00:38:05
listen and your little rat muscles someone else little [ __ ] ass dick makes a mistake
00:38:10
right this is how we re what do you remember it's only when you go at it with me and so i want to let you guys know that we do need a
00:38:16
therapist because he has massive issues look at him he's trying to laugh it off but i
00:38:21
see it in his eyes when bobby goes after me yeah after i said oh yeah no yeah i said that the wrong then i have to attack you
00:38:27
back no you put me up against the wall yeah what do you want me to do see see yeah you see what you did what see what you did you ruined my vibe
00:38:42
you [ __ ] up my vibe i love it and you've never listened to the scorpions once that's true yeah you [ __ ] poser you
00:38:49
fake [ __ ] cut that out no you hollywood party no no yeah you cut that yeah no you're cutting your partner [ __ ]
00:38:55
you you're cutting that part out [ __ ] you we're cutting that party no george george you're fired if you [ __ ] keep that in mind then [ __ ] you george get
00:39:01
fired you [ __ ] [ __ ] don't hire someone else cut it out andres you touch that [ __ ] streak if you don't cut off the scorpion
00:39:08
what are you gonna do what what are you gonna [ __ ] do what are you so angry about just [ __ ]
00:39:35
no don't do that all right don't go low breathe can you breathe you started it i didn't start it andres get on the
00:39:40
[ __ ] mic and say who started we're listening right now shut the [ __ ] up see you're going aggressive andre's who started it
00:39:48
say it see there we go don't be say it wow yes stop everything stops oh wait wait what's up she said tito bobby because she knows what's up say to the mike she did
00:40:03
tito bobby i love you i started it yeah yeah yeah when he was wrong you immediately humiliated humiliated him you could have just yeah but was he not wrong yeah but
00:40:18
it wasn't just let her finish go ahead it wasn't a big thing right well he mean he mistake like a chance yeah yeah yeah yeah exactly thank
00:40:30
you thank you andreas i have some defense here no he's not defending you yeah what were you saying andreas but he
00:40:36
mistake a chessboard with a little cube right is that is that a big profile it's a medium-sized medium size yeah and my response was medium-sized no it wasn't yeah how big was the response
00:40:48
jules you said the r you said the r word over and over we'll cut it out no we're not we're leaving it in because we need to
00:40:54
teach you a lesson so i'm gonna let you know all right don't point it or put your finger down put your little fat finger down
00:40:59
all right you you just betrayed that finger down you betrayed me just i know that
00:41:04
all right and you know what i'm glad i'm leaving tomorrow and you're lucky that i'm leaving tomorrow jules i love you you're a good friend
00:41:15
hello bob this holiday season i want you to clean your hole okay cause it's usually dirt i have been cleaning it
00:41:20
with hella tissue what are you talking about i use tushy you use toshiba i use it here has not been cleaner i've seen it i've
00:41:26
had a swampy [ __ ] your whole life for my whole life 49 years lived there and i'm not talking about poo i'm talking about like real creatures a hundred percent i've seen him coming yeah yeah and so um since and i also have saved on um
00:41:39
toilet paper yeah we don't buy it as much anymore i installed the um the tushy here in the studio and it was
00:41:45
easy to install now this holiday season make your whole feel better with tushy people don't know what a bidet is uh and
00:41:52
they think it's some something fancy no it's not it's not you can get yourself a hello tushy for how much bob
00:41:59
79.79 just imagine a powerful spray right up the hole right cleaning out the changes that out the old-fashioned way right but days used to be thousands and thousands of dollars now these are good for everybody dude we
00:42:14
have one here at the studio that rudy refuses to use because she doesn't even use the bathroom here but me and bob use it
00:42:19
and we use it at both of our houses the hello tushy bidet attachment comes with a 60 day risk free happy butt guaranteed 12 month
00:42:26
warranty stop wiping your butt start washing and join the millions of happy hello tushy customers right now hellotush is the perfect gift for the
00:42:32
holidays get it for a friend get 10 off plus free shipping right now at hellotushy.com bad friend that's friends for ten percent
00:42:44
off and free shipping hellotushy.com hello fresh hey hello fresh bob i can't cook that well i'm not so smart i love and i don't want to leave the house let me say something okay you know
00:42:56
when i get hello and fresh delivered to my house right and it has fresh ingredients yeah and it's
00:43:03
also um there are menus and um instructions recipes that i can follow they're easy to use it's america's number one meal kit for a reason i use that at the house me and the old lady
00:43:14
uh i'm not good at cooking and i don't know anything about anything it's delicious and all you have to do is
00:43:19
follow their instructions it's delicious it's it's uh it actually and it's healthy too
00:43:25
by the way not only is it healthy it's like you know during this pandemic you know it's good to have like home-cooked
00:43:30
meals yeah and it's easy to get all the ingredients in one spot i love that man i do love it um you guys
00:43:37
if you uh if you haven't tried it you absolutely should um it is great delicious meals and it's so
00:43:42
easy step by step on how to use it go to hellofresh.com badfriends90 use the code badfriends90
00:43:48
to get 90 off including free shipping that's insane hellofrosh.com slash bad friends
00:43:54
90 use the code bad friends 90 to get 90 off including free shipping to your home to get a delicious meal to you
00:44:00
me and bobo highly recommend it if it's balut i'm i'm walking out is it baloo yeah that's why you have to try it yeah that's right no way
00:44:14
let's try i'm gagging right i never had it i won't do it can we open it no you no i'll open it no will you look
00:44:20
honestly don't be a you know what dude you can't just you know what you're [ __ ] you're a white piece of [ __ ]
00:44:26
you're [ __ ] you look down on others this is my holiday you're looking this is my hollywood look down in other people's culture dude
00:44:32
yeah and stop being like that no this that's what this whole thing is about yeah so give me the balloon bring it
00:44:38
here yeah yeah don't eat don't be a [ __ ] dick dude i'm gonna throw up you're gonna eat it all right you're gonna watch me throw up
00:44:43
that's fine we can we'll watch oh i'm not gonna i'm not gonna but that's so [ __ ] rude it's my people dude
00:44:49
okay bring the balloon i'm not gonna eat it yeah nope oh my god all right so uh now
00:44:56
honestly where do you get the balloon put it there i'm not gonna don't get this at bonds where do you get this at where did
00:45:01
you get it all right so people for for people that remember balut is a filipino we talked about it about it yeah give me
00:45:27
the napkin right so you just crack open the top okay all right so let me put this back on let
00:45:35
me crack open the top oh don't oh my god it's so hard it won't crack it won't crack you can do it
00:45:48
crush it like this oh my god oh [ __ ] this [ __ ] cracked okay that's fine okay
00:46:00
here yeah you have to drink the juice [Music] okay first i'll just tell you what it is
00:46:07
this is like um the movie aliens remember the movie aliens first of all smell it smell it smell it bro bro give me the garbage can
00:46:18
i'm gonna throw up honestly honestly oh my god honestly honestly i'm gonna throw up
00:46:24
honestly and i had good ramen i had ramen that i liked [Music] there's juice all over the place there's pollutants
00:46:39
i'm gonna throw up oh my god [Music] [Laughter] [Music] no i gotta get out of here i have to get
00:46:52
out of here i'm gonna throw up honestly that's so [ __ ] gross all right so [ __ ] all right so i'm gonna throw up what is this part i can't see oh god what is that part
00:47:21
what is the yellow though i have to know the body part i don't want to look at its [ __ ] [ __ ] it's a yolk part
00:47:27
all right how about this andrew this is my nightmare i know i'll eat a little bit of this you eat a little no yeah yeah i almost
00:47:33
threw up i don't care i'm gonna try i'm gonna throw up oh god it's good oh god it's so [ __ ] gross oh god get that
00:47:53
the [ __ ] out of here get it out no not try it no i'll get it out let's open the whole thing now i don't think there's any duck there
00:48:04
i'm gonna throw up look dude look at this part oh my god i'm gonna throw up oh my god oh my god oh there's no face
00:48:18
where's the face at oh my god where did you get this this is advanced oh my god yeah you should be ashamed this is what i get
00:48:36
for joking about thanksgiving earlier drench this table george in in oh my god in bleach
00:48:49
yeah where's the sun you have sauce yeah you forgot all right my god is this the most disgusting thing
00:48:54
i've ever seen in my life i mean i'm not even kidding no get it away get it away dude [Laughter] [Music]
00:49:09
george get this the [ __ ] away yeah oh my god please are you going to eat this can you eat that no you're not going to eat that no
00:49:23
she'll eat that one don't eat that there's the new one don't eat it here here's the trash can
00:49:31
oh my god i'll be right back if you had a ranch are you being real no i need to wash my hands yeah yeah
00:49:36
because i [ __ ] coughed into my hands rudy how much how much is a blue egg one doll um no 25 cents 25 cents that's what a little bird's
00:49:58
life is worth 25 cents yeah rocks are more expensive by far yeah we you know what's so funny we for people that didn't see the other episode we talked about ballout it's a baby duck that they eat in the philippines
00:50:10
and they just what do you got salt oh my god are you really going to eat it yeah yeah
00:50:16
i i i i has how do you know if it's not rotten i mean it smells rotten is it rotten i'll try i don't think so
00:50:23
oh you try first and then your stomach hurts then you stop what the [ __ ] the philippines is that kind of what kind of system is that
00:50:30
i just i can't and you and do you eat it in one whole bite everything though god look i respect the culture no i do and you know what i want to say
00:50:57
i'm sorry to the native americans for what they did what yes why i'm getting reflective
00:51:05
yeah yeah because you're so sorry because what what western europeans did to the native americans is disgusting
00:51:11
and it's not funny and it's gross and this is giving me perspective well i i don't know if there's a problem i can ask a question yeah so she likes this actor what's the actor
00:51:22
that she likes cool some hispanic actor that she likes michael pena no no if tim i would kill myself uh uh fluffy iglesias yeah so anyway i go she was
00:51:35
hooking up and i go blow me i go blow me like that after the guy that you like right
00:51:40
and she did things that she's never done before to my dad because she pretended you were who some other actor right she said i got an
00:51:46
i want to know and she started licking my balls right and they just spit on it and she was like sucking on that like i was like and i go
00:51:53
stop i go stop doing it like that and i got mad i go that's you do it better for the other guy yeah of course but that's okay but that should be okay in a healthier sense
00:52:05
relationship fantasy fantasy fantasy you don't do ever fancy you don't ever think she's somebody else i want those moves too you you just got
00:52:12
them you got exactly yeah but that's for me no well you're not you anymore yeah you're not you anymore you've been
00:52:17
together too long because if i'm emailing our girl should i do it like natalie portman i wanna go and do your man spin and do the whole
00:52:24
[ __ ] thing you know you'd sit and have a conversation with her she's natalie portman she's not an award-winning actress yeah yeah what do you what do you mean
00:52:30
do you ever visualize she's somebody else or when i'm in my mind maybe yes do you
00:52:36
do it you have to yeah you don't have a choice you have to what do you mean once you've had sex with your
00:52:42
significant other enough dude your mind has to make make up that there's something else yeah absolutely man we do role playing
00:52:48
oh you do what role play actually i i i have to okay i'll say it and then and then i'll i'll
00:52:53
see if it's okay to say it yeah yeah we'll see if it's okay hold on we do camps we do camp stuff like you're camping no like we like wearing a summer camp
00:53:04
like she's a counselor and you're a student no [ __ ] dope what is her name does she
00:53:09
have a counselor name no i just call her counsel counselor collapse counselor kalila yeah and she's like yes little boy how old are you in
00:53:15
this fantasy are you jewish do you put on a yamaka jewish summer camp but i have asthma
00:53:21
like jewish jewish people do i have psoriasis oh yeah yeah so um no dairy go ahead so i um
00:53:28
yeah i'm a kid you're a little boy and you're what happened did you be bad were you bad by the lake look at look at her is it uncomfortable
00:53:34
no it's funny do you want her out she can get out of the room while you tell this nasty story it's not nasty well it's beautiful okay yeah so i'll go
00:53:41
like did you get in trouble by the lake what did you do huh what did you do bad boy she's like come here tammy she'll give me a name
00:53:47
tammy yeah yeah yeah what did i do wrong i'll do a voice yeah we're like yeah yeah and she's like you know you
00:53:54
know i told you you know to put away the the equipment and you didn't put over the equipment right you left the balls out no but i know i was playing with um
00:54:01
johnny and the boys or whatever and then she'll go like yeah but when i say something so let take your pants off
00:54:07
you need a spanking yeah okay i'll go okay right now slowly right meanwhile like when she sees the underwear it's just already right your heart is around i
00:54:21
like it right yeah do you have one little boy's underwear for the course of course yeah i don't know i i only have a tiny weddings
00:54:26
so and uh it's one pair there's a brown streak and it's only wet in the tip it's a tip there's a tip there that's
00:54:33
wet yeah so um and then she'll go um lay on your back i'm gonna give you spanking right and i'll go
00:54:38
i'll lay on my back but how can you spank me if i'm at my back right right she goes you're clever timmy right and she goes
00:55:04
what are you gonna do i'm scared no i always say that you're scared i scared right yeah and then she okay you know what i mean
00:55:15
let me kiss it like a lollipop i'm already coming sure juices are just like you know i
00:55:20
mean it's like bubbling yeah you know what i mean like little [ __ ] [ __ ] bubbles that's hot right right that is hot you
00:55:28
know i mean but then it turns into well i'm timmy and she's on top of me right she'll go she'll switch it up which is i don't like uh she's like a
00:55:39
mark now no but no something like that she'll go like you know do you like it mark or frank so i have to be to play a different character oh she wants you to switch me right
00:55:51
so like she's now [ __ ] everyone at the camp oh [ __ ] yeah you know i mean like she's
00:55:57
like a cereal she's like run a train on me but now it's now it turns into like very aggressive right right where like
00:56:04
i've already now i'm mark and i've already heard the rumors right right you know what she's been saying i
00:56:09
knew all the things and i don't want to because maybe i'm gay or whatever right so it turns into me trying to get
00:56:14
maybe yeah what not maybe yeah no we are he may have something good he may have nothing
00:56:20
you never know with him he's a fancy bee fancy b our special guest is andreas the fancy bee rossende we're excited
00:56:35
he's going to be uh giving us his stand-up comedy stylings and if he's good enough he's going to open for me and bobo when we go back on the road you
00:56:42
ready ready okay yeah let's let's hear it sweetheart okay wait a second i'm ready yeah wait a second he has to wear his dice jacket what's up is that a rack of dvds back
00:56:58
there or is that books those are oh [ __ ] [ __ ] let's keep coming back for more huh i guess you
00:57:09
really need some talent on this show who produces this [ __ ] by the way has everyone seen george
00:57:15
you know i'm missing here how bad do you have to suck at your job that you get replaced by high school girl and the show gets better [Laughter]
00:57:31
and what laughing too far wow but they it was so loud that the neighbors called animal control because they thought you guys have a hyena in the room george's reminds me did i keep him home
00:57:45
alone if he grew up to have dancing he wants to be a comedian oh yeah he really wants to stand that your comedic inspiration is done in kruger
00:57:57
because you suck but you don't know how much you use sometimes for me michael with inspiration freddy
00:58:04
krueger because i kill every time even in your dreams anyway so let's let's talk to someone
00:58:12
else who else is here oh yeah let's go to our favorite mute of bad friends rose hey rose what a journey you had
00:58:22
you left me your headache for this [ __ ] i don't love rose or jules or rudy you had more
00:58:30
nicknames than words you have said in the show he laughs at himself it looks like you auditioning for the quiet place every time there is still you got more lion scene
00:58:42
than bobby in the wrong kisses oh he takes out the mic he slap it and he loves it wow what are you you're saying something jules you have to speak into the mind
00:58:55
you know who they might girl like andrew avoid speaking on the center of the disaster artist
00:59:05
smell like george's bread which smells like balls because he sucks so much of it
00:59:14
jules i wanted to understand your struggles so i saw 90 days beyonce yeah rose's dad lives on a pig farm so how do you manage to find the only
00:59:27
place in america that is worse than living with a pig living with bobby lee to enjoy his
00:59:34
american dream cleaning billiards houses that sounds more like the mexican dream to me
00:59:41
[Laughter] i also came here looking for the american dream but mine doesn't include a knife and witch hunt you have some psycho dreams
00:59:52
girl living with bobby is like living with a puppy except you completely train a puppy
01:00:04
you came here as a teenager and now you have to raise one wow anyway that's all i got for you guys
01:00:12
yeah hey let's heckle you now we get to heckle you chirping yeah yeah look at that
01:00:18
what's up pablo espresso bar [Laughter] i like that jean jacket whose is that tell me that's your girlfriend's this yeah no this is george's
01:00:34
that's even better all right see you andres great job we love you really much bye
01:00:40
buddy what a guy i brought a ouija board no no i can't do it please no i'm not doing a ouija let's contact your dad please please
01:01:05
it is real i know and we're going to respect it [Music] you just have to say goodbye and it closes the door you start on ouija here's the rules put
01:01:29
your headphones on put your mic back here's the rules you start on ouija oh that's not good blown out a candle to begin is a bad omen oh boy is that not good now you're now
01:01:43
that's actually scary to me i know but that's what it's supposed to do it's a crickle crackle candle
01:01:50
put on your headphones and get your microphone near your mouth okay the proper way to do this
01:01:57
is for you put a hand you put a hand and i put a hand okay all right here we go bob hold on listen
01:02:02
listen to me we're gonna con contact your pops okay what's his name again robert robert e
01:02:10
lee bob lee we have to say goodbye at the end otherwise his spirit will still remain okay all right now put your two hands on two hands okay now calmly and slowly the bravest
01:02:22
amongst us asks the first question so go ahead dad are you in heaven i'm not touched i am not moved look yeah you are no i'm not you have to be no i'm not i promise
01:02:45
what is it what is it t yeah what does that say i can't read i can't see it tg i know what it is what's tg he's at tgi fridays [Laughter]
01:03:06
he loved he loved tgi fridays are you being serious yeah he loved tgi friday that's his favorite [ __ ]
01:03:11
restaurant well let's ask him another question obviously he's having fun this [Applause]
01:03:25
um i want to ask him a question about you do you miss bobby do you miss bobby lightly lightly put your finger no don't
01:03:40
we don't lean your weight on it should be like this you're pulling i'm not i swear to god
01:03:46
i'm not look lightly you're pulling no i'm not i'm not you're so strong i'm not i did not pull it because i tried to pull it wouldn't pull my way
01:04:00
i'm not pulling it come here you have to go strong i am not pulling it you have strong fingers do you miss
01:04:06
bobby bobbly i'm not you have to be pulling i'm not oh you gotta be kidding me i'm not you're pulling and pushing again no i'm not
01:04:25
what's that it says you the letter u does he miss you no so what was the question does he miss you okay let's get the other letters all right
01:04:46
what is that m um oh i know what it is what's um so ask me if i'm the dad ask me mr lee do you miss do you miss bobby
01:04:58
[Music] [Laughter] so he doesn't okay no he's thinking about it um oh he doesn't know you don't know are you at the university of
01:05:11
montana is vermont is there a university of montana of course there is never uw home of the buff bluffs yeah
01:05:18
the buffalo so maybe that has something to do with it because my dad lived in montana for a
01:05:25
bit what you am bobby uh mr lee tell us what's the one thing what's the one thing that you would ask bobby now about what's going on what do you want to know about bobby
01:05:44
what do you yeah what do you want to know about me dad yeah wait oh my god what is that g
01:06:00
you have to recenter it go back to ouija and recenter put your fingers on lightly
01:06:07
why are you pulling i'm not oh my god a ga y gay [Laughter] you are pulling it with your [ __ ] say goodbye say goodbye say goodbye goodbye dad bye dad hi he's how many days now
01:06:49
15 days 15 days of no pornography wow wow wait how about how bad was your problem steve it wasn't that it was
01:07:02
bad bad it was that i didn't like i didn't like what pornography was doing to my mind sure
01:07:09
sure because i realized i mean because you know we're messed up i mean i'm not blaming him
01:07:16
he definitely i know we have nothing to do i know i know but you you you don't quote me in your [ __ ] but i
01:07:21
just remember it was a progressive thing as far as i remember younger this is before the internet like him
01:07:29
having like a dvd he had a whole like collection of them and i would take one or two and then how many three you
01:07:47
he could have filled up like an amoeba record like a whole store yeah you know those one of those booklets you know those booklets where you put
01:07:58
cds well you know those boys those big black thick booklets like that he had hundreds
01:08:04
of those just collections like the beatles collections collections collections yeah just collab
01:08:11
collectors just failed failed sorry but the rest hey but but steve steve let me ask you though what was the
01:08:18
so what what was the reason that you quit what was this moment well i realized that it affected just
01:08:26
my like my relationship sex life yeah or just it just kind of like it not only desensitized me like as far
01:08:33
as because i noticed too like when i was like like i would be on pornhub or x videos
01:08:38
my searches would be a little bit more further like going kind of outside the box you know like what give us an example well it started with just like pov doggy or
01:08:50
you know something like that or you know cream pie or you know just like you're i don't know if that's standard that is that's right but then it started going into like
01:09:02
crack head cream pie so [Laughter] [Music] so it started with that and then then it started progressing to grandma
01:09:38
yeah like grandmother's stuff grandma cream pie grandma i was like looking at granny he goes i was looking at grandmothers because bob i go yeah he goes do you ever masturbate
01:09:51
to grandmother it's a grandma like who doesn't no he goes oh okay he's hung up so
01:09:58
just just the type of why do you like grandmas well i'll tell you how it makes you feel
01:10:04
afterwards when you're laying there and you had just ejaculated watching a grandmother getting creampied you don't feel so good
01:10:17
about yourself no no i wouldn't you think you would yeah i mean that walk of shame to the
01:10:23
bathroom to clean up is a lot more worse than yeah yeah i would especially if it's just playing in the
01:10:28
background yeah the bad friends drinking game here's how you play every time bobby lee says the thing is is that the thing is
01:10:40
is that because the thing is that the thing is is that the thing is is that the thing is that the thing is is that your thing is
01:10:45
that have a drink it must be legal drinking age to play but whatever dude we're not the [ __ ]
01:10:51
cops okay wow that's really nice of you but i'm doing this for you because i really want you to care though really or yeah see this is what's annoying is it foreign
01:11:04
why do you here's my question for you why is it why do you have to assume ill intent
01:11:11
with everything that either one of us are doing when it comes to our friendship towards you automatically yeah it's just
01:11:16
automatically there's some kind of a i have no agenda i have genuine love for you or i i'm
01:11:22
gonna tell you why let me let me explain something real fast yes it's on the show because i think
01:11:28
it's entertaining to put on the show but i knew the only way you would take me serious is if i put it on the show
01:11:34
if i said i'm gonna get you hypnotherapist off air you'd be like i don't want to do a [ __ ] you shut up leave me alone i'm just gonna give you an example true true
01:11:39
i'm just going to give you an example this time cats encapsulates okay my relationships with you hollywood
01:11:45
types oh my god oh my god of the people you're the most i'm a man of the people grind it out with the [ __ ] the common folk you complain constantly about not being around common folk
01:12:13
you say stuff you know you said to me on the when we had dinner at the house what about the steak thing and i said oh man i should go get six and you go ew
01:12:19
no have someone bring us steaks that's what you said yeah postmates was he complaining
01:12:25
because he's always telling me i'm complaining yeah but all this [ __ ] does is complain yeah i'm gonna tell you but the
01:12:30
narrative is out there all these [ __ ] idiot ass fans like oh you're complaining again griffin because
01:12:36
anything he says so i got to have fat lando for the rest of my [ __ ] life you know all this [ __ ] that these people
01:12:42
say to me and that's one of these narratives right this [ __ ] complains all the time we you we commiserate with each other
01:12:48
but then you put it out there like i'm the only i was gonna tell you a story of that encapsulates please
01:12:54
my [ __ ] relationship with you hollywood types okay i'm gonna say that again go ahead we're not hollywood all right
01:12:59
so um i have a friend named steve byrne we know him well okay so um he calls me one day and he says is this an asian beef it's not an asian beef okay i'm just not doing because he happens to be half korean i love
01:13:10
i love asian beef by the way yeah english mongolian yeah go ahead he calls me one day he goes
01:13:16
doing a movie i'm doing a movie he says right and i go okay cool i want you in it
01:13:24
thank you a week later when i'm supposed to shoot right i see jimmy o yang going i'm in steve burns movie and he's good he's a good actor and he's
01:13:37
very funny listen i picked steve i would get that's really good it's either him or dad fan you know what i mean either or either or all right all right
01:13:52
anyway you see jimmy oh yang you see he's shooting the movie right so i call steve and i go yeah i
01:13:58
thought you called me for the movie because yeah you know i just i'm going to use jimmy yeah you know but
01:14:05
did was my feelings hurt no because that's what i expect out of you types this is not steve burns has nothing to
01:14:12
do with us with andrew andrew andrew this would this kind of be like if i said hey let's do a podcast together yeah and then you go i
01:14:25
decided to go with andrew no because see you no listen you're a hollywood [ __ ] hey you you a hollywood [ __ ] i already
01:14:37
totally different tell me let me tell you something i already told you you two hollywood types i said right
01:14:42
stop i said like to you i said you know how he is like yeah right he's a boy he's aggressive he's a boy he's a bully shut up shut up and he's cornering me
01:14:54
into a [ __ ] like you know it's like um and you know i'm nice you're nice and you took advantage of that
01:15:00
and didn't tell me like you wanted steve burn to tell you no that's not true all right i'm just
01:15:07
saying that i already called you would you have wanted a respectful call from steve burn being like bobby i've actually decided to go in a
01:15:13
different direction would you have liked that call would that have made you feel good right and that's why i called you you didn't
01:15:19
this is the same call no yeah i called you and i said talk man-to-man right friend of friend right oh yeah and
01:15:27
i said wow you know what was i on that call [Laughter] i called you so he threw me under the
01:15:33
bus he goes he's a bully he blamed everything on me by the way this wasn't even my idea whose idea was
01:15:38
it uh yours my idea kalila was the first one that said you guys really should the fans in the last belly said you
01:15:44
should you should you should so then it was you should you should you should and then we finally just i said do you want to do one i'll do one are we
01:15:50
gonna do one or no and then you said well you know griff had asked me before but it never worked out cause then we
01:15:55
did belly and then you said to me no we can't do a show and i said okay and then i said do you want to do one or
01:16:02
not after the third time we did the show and well you guys should just do one together so don't put it on me no you you're
01:16:10
you're twisting my [ __ ] mind right now you're a mind twister oh that's true to tell you
01:16:16
he's a mind twister right now dude right i am upset to leave everyone here in la and um it's not true
01:16:22
i do you're so excited to go to hawaii i'm so excited but i'm very excited as well and i'm so
01:16:27
grateful for my life i really am i love everything i look around my life i walk out i walk outside
01:16:33
i wake up yeah and i walk outside my house i like see little jewels sleeping in a room and the dogs you know me
01:16:39
running around and i look at my at my beautiful girlfriend you're about to say wife
01:16:44
soon to be wife and are you really gonna get married i'm gonna marry her yeah when soon well the fans want to know i just
01:16:51
don't know how to do it the engagement yeah would you have a ring i'll get one well that's probably the first step you
01:16:57
gotta get etsy or something get it not on etsy ebay etsy ebay etsy is cheaper i don't know i'll go to ebay what do you think you would do for a proposal probably put in a cupcake but then she
01:17:10
won't eat the whole thing right she's not yeah she doesn't know and then i'll do you got to eat more of it you know you know what
01:17:16
you should do what have one of the dogs eat it and then and be like oh my god he's we have to take him to the vet and they
01:17:22
go to the vet and then they cut the dog open right and there's a ring inside yeah and the dog is hemorrhaging
01:17:28
hemorrhaging and while it's bleeding out i look out and they find the ring i go will you marry me perfect oh wow that's a good one perfect yeah you just got to hope the dog doesn't die
01:17:39
yeah but if it does you're already at the vet or stick the ring down inside the ain't my anal
01:17:44
connect canal candle kind of canal right and i'll say finger me right will she and then she fingers me with this i go no with this finger use your ring finger ring finger right right and then boom
01:17:55
and then as she pulls it out yeah it's on will you marry me that's perfect pretty good what else is
01:18:01
another one oh rudy or any of these good do you think or a good way for a girl to get proposed to i like the dog going the one where
01:18:09
of course you do so creepy i know because everything that i do right you don't like no no she likes she likes she likes how how sadistic it is
01:18:16
yours is dirty and this one was cree death she likes that she wants sadistic and death yeah like
01:18:21
rudy's the kind of person all right well then i stick the ring right if you walk into a green room
01:18:28
yeah there are some comics and they can't help themselves they'll go when i walk in they do that see when you walk in when i walk in and then you and then i've been conditioned to laugh
01:18:40
at it but it hurts it does it burns really yeah it burns cause you but you have to go that's a
01:18:47
good one i mean like you've seen it 30 million times in your life of course yeah
01:18:55
people are really doing that oh yeah yeah when you walk in the room yeah well tell tell tom about you
01:19:01
learning about microaggressions all right so yesterday i i went to um i was just googling things this is
01:19:06
before i found out that trump had coveted and then i went to my high school you know i'm obsessed with my high
01:19:12
school so i went to poway high school i googled that on youtube and then they go wait you're obsessed with your high school yeah
01:19:18
it's so pathetic because he wants to be in the high school hall of fame they don't respect me he he wants to be in the alumni the
01:19:23
notable alumni they don't like me how are you not in the notable alumni but i'm not i'm not by them oh right
01:19:31
yeah because this is a big high school it's pretty big yeah they um they don't find me to be a credible you
01:19:37
know entity when it comes to like fame yeah right they think that that's kind of hard to believe man well
01:19:45
they have people that like if you look it up we've done this before on the show where you go you google you know they're
01:19:50
you know notable um yeah alums alums and it's like you know ving trang who you know plays the violin
01:19:59
for the orchestra how many seasons were you on mad tv eight come on man like that alone i put
01:20:05
that down they don't care but it was on the air for eight [ __ ] years 17 well the the show was on
01:20:11
air for 14 years the one that you were on though yeah but i was on the show the last eight years of mad tv wow
01:20:19
yeah so i met you on the street i met you on the street when you were doing that and i remember that no you don't what a great day oh
01:20:25
you don't remember it's i have a vivid memory of meeting him on the street this is he says this all the [ __ ] time go
01:20:30
ahead tell him there's a [ __ ] you're with some tall blonde really tall was she cute yeah she was like six one
01:20:39
and then i was super i was like excited to meet you yeah and uh we started um we started
01:20:46
riffing uh like a bit right there on the street yeah and you hopped on my back that's right
01:20:52
yeah i don't remember that you don't remember that yeah i do i hopped on your back and i go um
01:20:58
i whipped you and i go gallop on no that's not the best daddy nope no no no no it was about a fire
01:21:04
rescue thing i was rescuing you from a burning building tom let me just say something when i see
01:21:10
people with your body type yeah i always jump on the back just body type meaning you know i can do
01:21:16
dead lifts no no no body top meaning that you're not you know better like some people we know
01:21:24
right and you're but you have a thickness to you yeah i'm a thick boy yeah yeah and and it's that's not a bad
01:21:29
thing and you can you believe he's saying this bobby you're basically like you're just a squooshed figure of a
01:21:36
taller fat guy bob that's you're just if somebody accordion to taller fat guy jules liked that one yeah and hey andrew it's true what you talk like you're not
01:21:47
like you call him thick you have such a rotund belly you have a pot belly i'm fat
01:21:54
yeah yeah i i i'm not denying that yeah but you say you jump on his back because i'm smaller yeah so a smaller fat guy is going to jump on a fatter fat guy's body right right it's not the reverse
01:22:06
i'll get crushed by him let's go every [ __ ] time oh no oh my god oh no no no you're such a [ __ ] brat what do you want i want her to ask me
01:22:20
how i'm feeling and how often do you genuinely ask him how he is you make you make me sound like i'm i'm the bad guy
01:22:25
get closer to the mic don't back away yeah you have to get close to the mic so we can hear you yeah no get closer to the bike um get closer to
01:22:31
the mic uh stay close get closer to the bike get closer uh get closer to the bike don't go away talking to the mic just
01:22:37
keep your mouth right where the mic is closer to the [ __ ] bike get closer to the mic talking to them i
01:22:43
get closer to the mic talking to the mic your mouth um [Music] happy halloween get closer to the bike these mics actually get close to you i
01:23:08
think we should just like we can take over do you think the show would be successful if we would do it maybe maybe look we even have
01:23:20
some of the homeless plus clothes from tito bobby yeah right yeah hey welcome to bad friends hi right and i can just like yell at you
01:23:41
because that's super easy like you're late you're late today why are you late right you just have to do nothing this is the easiest job in the world yeah they don't even know how much we do
01:23:53
can i still have my knife yeah i think you should have your knife okay that's it there you are if they um interrupt us then then we use
01:24:05
that yeah that'll be nice be so nice i think this will be so much nicer you talking now you're starting yeah why don't you start the podcast let them start the podcast all right
01:24:20
is it on everything on yeah okay go ahead welcome to bad friends hi we decided to take over
01:24:28
bobby and andrew yeah because this is such an easy job we just get to talk and shout at each other right right and be mean be mean
01:24:44
we could be good good friends instead of bad friends yeah right we're way nicer so what do you do today juliana did you sleep until like four no i slept until um
01:24:58
five and i woke up because the constructors were coming to our house because um yesterday tita bobby fled the house well we were on the beach no i didn't
01:25:10
[ __ ] shut up shut up yeah right so what else happened and then the floor is broken and then we have to
01:25:27
move to another house in a week how did he do that i don't know he couldn't hear it so
01:25:35
but i don't believe him was he playing video games he was doing yoga he was exercising yeah oh wow you guys are doing a good job with him
01:25:51
what about you bobby can you get closer to the mic i am close closer this is it it's right in the middle no closer i'm close now this isn't the way he does he can't get
01:26:11
any closer than this that's what you do to read a scene from hunter hunter her favorite show and we'll let the fans decide if this is quality material or not
01:26:22
um um what am i going to play which one am i andre i'm kahlua i'm kalula kalgo yes yeah which one you're in well go ahead and tell us how to say the name you're the one that you're the
01:26:35
expert um and icalgo i don't this is a this is my wig that they got for me do you want to wear this no you can wear
01:26:46
it it's not going to fit on your head well because i need to look asian you guys do look asian
01:26:52
i'm the only one in here that doesn't look asian so i need to look like an asian
01:26:58
okay do i look asian that didn't work i don't look asian no you look better i look gooder yeah yeah yeah yeah i look more good okay i'm uh kahlua and and who's rudy
01:27:14
nothing rudy's not in this no i'm just gonna read oh you're gonna read the name oh you're gonna be the narrator yeah yeah cause we can't hear fancy b
01:27:20
he's too tough to make out okay here we go this is hunt a scene from hunter hunter rudy's favorite show look at her smile
01:27:26
look at her see we try to make her happy too okay ready yeah go ahead rude previously
01:27:32
on hunter hunter these suction cups save me anyway aren't you an octopus [Laughter] hunter hunter
01:27:57
go ahead strange bees and monsters vast riches hidden treasures evil hunts uncharted frontiers the
01:28:04
mysterious unknown the people who are captivated by the magic in those worlds are called hunters
01:28:12
a mob of assassins attacks kilauea after he and gone split up to stop this election one of them is
01:28:19
icargo an octopus khmer ant aren't you an octopus he flies away see ya i need to find a new horse i can't
01:28:36
charge up my neck shot i'll let the ortho siblings take care for me here but out of nowhere killer jumps on him grabs his gun
01:28:46
and attacks and attacked himself to a rock using the khmer arms yo we meet again
01:28:55
can i ask you something sure go ahead why didn't you dive underwater to escape you should have an advantage in the water don't tell me you can't swim
01:29:07
it's the blood right when they smell blood your bodies in the water go berserk and ask the injured no matter who it is
01:29:15
with those wounds if you went in there you'd be turned to shreds am i wrong i suppose that one way too andreas you're the dragonfly or dragonfly hey cargo did you finish
01:29:28
off the kid no he changed his voice in christ try to change your voice or anything
01:29:33
cut do it again lead him into it with your oh well oh well i suppose that's one way to
01:29:40
eat calgo did you finish off the key same voice you didn't even even like didn't make like a small
01:29:46
attempt to change the voice it's shift or anything we're gonna do it one more time bro it's
01:29:52
not even hard it's not hard at all oh well i suppose that one way too oh i can't go did you finish off the kid you're
01:30:04
fired no wait let's give george a shot george go ahead try it try to be the dragon well i
01:30:09
suppose that one way too oh he can't go did you finish off the kid pretty good you're you're hired no we were still fighting who are you
01:30:20
talking to are you screwed up wait wait oh do we change roser yep yep let me do it again okay okay no we're still fighting
01:30:33
who you're talking to i screw up right you can you all can communicate via telepathy talking to your boss it's that guy who was flying over me right wait now look here
01:30:48
oh so hey calgo he's spanish hispanic it's so funny he sounds more hispanic than andres does
01:31:01
you could see that what i might be doing yes we're still fighting a dragonfly creature flies in the forest
01:31:09
i think jewels you're the creature but you should do a different accent okay ready a dragonfly creature enters the forest
01:31:17
oh sorry to interrupt you let me know if you learn anything if he sees a dozen of dragonfly flying
01:31:25
around inside a crave the enemy would go suspicious i won't be able to sell my satellite
01:31:31
dragonfly inside very good jewel back in the cave let's make a deal then if you tell me
01:31:37
about his power i'll spare your life you have 10 seconds to answer kilo throw the khmer arms in the water
01:31:44
the sea creatures go crazy devouring it eight seconds left icargo is puzzled six seconds ikalgo's
01:31:52
mind wanders dreaming do similar if so you're mistaken octopi are ugly squids are squidorific i think they look
01:32:12
divine two seconds i won't betray your body icargo cut his arm off and falls in slow
01:32:19
motion yes i could see that in your eyes i can only hope that in my next life i'll be bored or squeeze with quick moves kilowatt catches ical gurus
01:32:31
rescuing from a certain death why because you're a cool guy in different circumstances we could have been friends wow i kind of want to watch the show now are
01:32:44
we are we close um your voices are very different because kilauea is a 11 year old oh oh what's what's kalgo ikalgo is an octopus he has like a
01:32:56
squeaky voice why did he keep why does he keep saying don't call me an octopus when he is one because he doesn't want to be an octopus
01:33:02
because he want to be a squid because all of his friends bully him oh this is deep oh we didn't i wish
01:33:09
that's the context that you should have well if you read scripts you'd know context lesson is learned here
01:33:15
that's pretty impressive though i i gotta be honest with you at first i thought that was gonna be like uh phooey and i really did like it like at
01:33:21
first i was like this is stupid but it's really good huh yeah could we try three crazy andrew
01:33:27
over here he's crazy you're nuts yeah i'm a goof yeah could we try and actually get in it
01:33:34
for at least 10 minutes at some point in this podcast i think we should do an improv game what do you think so you say a sentence
01:33:42
of a story just andrew just andrew has never said no once if a camera is without him
01:33:47
you know just an old-fashioned second city improv game you know i mean where we i know if i i'll make it up i don't even know if this is a game but you you
01:33:54
say you tell me one sentence of a story right one sentence i'll do the second sentence
01:34:00
and we'll just keep going jules you have to oh that is the game say one word and then you try and keep the cadence of an actual story yeah yeah you want to try that a phrase or a word
01:34:16
let's do the phrase one word i mean let's do a word okay just a word yeah so jules you're playing number one
01:34:24
and number two this is how it works no this is how you works we'll be right back yeah but that's exactly how it is you you everyone says
01:34:42
you know what i mean you're supposed to say it but it's fine all right jules do you not
01:34:48
want to try it jules i'm i'm ready to go all right once there was a pumpkin gourd in connecticut
01:34:57
and it went what did she say went yeah this isn't gonna work get closer to the night speaking yeah you have to get closer to the mic also you guys we can't you can't like take time it has to be
01:35:08
no one could take time i didn't yeah she's gotta speak up she's gonna speak up no right
01:35:13
and louder put them in your body i'm sorry i i i vowed never to say that again [ __ ] mic to the mouth okay all right all right don't get angry all right ready okay so once
01:35:26
there was a woman named chlorine and she swam very well but one time there was this huge pumpkin
01:35:48
you know the last one we did no no it's just fine it's the first improv game the last one we did we brought up the
01:35:54
pumpkin and and i'm just saying there's just so many you know nouns that you could you
01:35:59
could appear right anything anything right anything are they ever on the earth you know i mean whatever and
01:36:05
you chose pumpkin all right so let's start over right and not use we're starting complete so this time
01:36:12
don't use previous words so that you can you know okay why don't we bobby i have a question
01:36:17
yeah how about the three of us try to explain this to her real quick by using the game okay oh yeah why don't we do that yeah
01:36:23
okay first you have to talk directly in to the microphone then you must explain to
01:36:31
the audience that we are not that smart i really like this podcast so um one last one just yeah let's do it doesn't get
01:36:49
giggles but i want i want rudy to start it so yeah you have to start at rudy okay one
01:36:55
time i ate uh pumpkin [Laughter] it's like i've known you hold on is that music oh are you cleaning a knife yeah what is that for um i just bought
01:37:14
it bought it what what i just brought it at home you brought that knife yeah here i asked that to kalila if like i can
01:37:28
play with it and like maybe decorate it here and she said yeah wait wait whose knife is that i've never seen that knife before in my life no i bought it at home and then i
01:37:39
brought it here you bought it in the mail yeah and you brought it here yeah on amazon holy you brought that
01:37:48
and and what is that knife for um i thought that i could play with it but then um i thought also that i could like
01:37:59
decorate my table oh you want to decorate your table with the [ __ ] that's her stage hang on hunting knife that's your
01:38:04
station you're allowed to do whatever you want to your station yeah this is really weird because i did not see
01:38:10
dude i heard a sing sing and i'm thinking it's music no no i'm serious sing sing and i'm
01:38:15
thinking oh something someone's got music on in their headphones no but she's cleaning the knife yeah it's kind of rusty
01:38:21
did you know this was you brought this you saw her bring this in um i swear to god on my mother's life that i did not see
01:38:28
her bring that into the car no it did you remember when we um got out i grabbed my hand at the back is there a sleeve that goes in is there
01:38:38
like a leather pouch yeah yeah i think you cleaned it enough stick it back in the pouch
01:38:44
can i see it yeah yeah holy [ __ ] this has the dried blood of soldiers on it look at that that's the dried blood of men yeah where did you buy this rude amazon yeah but like from from just like
01:38:58
a guy um yeah was it is it handmade i don't i don't know but it was like 25 do you
01:39:06
want to cut something that's all it was is 25 yeah that's fine let me see do you want to cut should i cut this as hard as i can
01:39:12
no why can i hold on to it god i don't trust you with it so much give me the [ __ ] knife
01:39:17
say please please [ __ ] no jag off you're giving you a [ __ ] weapon i'm giving you a weapon really i don't have amazon i can't get a knife then get a knife and bring one
01:39:28
yourself i will i'm gonna bring other things as well okay give me the knife put your hand out real fast let me do the knife game you know the knife game all right do it see what happens okay go ahead put it
01:39:41
more in the middle i can't really all right ready oh man this is so [ __ ] yeah let me hear you can i do yours no because you'll stab me on purpose no you're gonna do it as a [ __ ] i'm not gonna why would i stab you as a bit i'm gonna
01:39:57
do it because you would do it and then you'd go oh my god i was just kidding no yes you were what you have no trust with me uh-huh
01:40:04
yeah put your [ __ ] hand down or i'm leaving that's not fair if you stab my [ __ ] hand yeah if you
01:40:11
i'm dead serious yeah i'm gonna [ __ ] beat the [ __ ] out of you i i do you don't think that that's gonna be a
01:40:16
yeah be a man slow you [ __ ] oh no don't go faster oh [ __ ] this [ __ ] rudy it's security why are you so scary
01:40:31
you have that i thought i don't know get close to the mic this is important you thought what i thought that i could decorate i know but yeah but you get candles and
01:40:44
you know and and photographs that's what people use in america yeah but then everyone's like saying
01:40:51
that i'm rudy with a knife you are rudy with him because you have one dream but that doesn't make you who you are
01:40:57
because you had a dream but it was also nice she does like me she does like knives oh my god
01:41:02
she's a spooky girl oh that's right yesterday was mother's day so we put together a little video some of the fans sent in mother's day pictures we really
01:41:09
appreciate it um we want to say thank you for that yeah go ahead yeah you [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] don't talk [ __ ] about my mom the hovel is what i like to call her yeah so this is a lot of the fans sent
01:41:21
in um pictures of their mom and we put together a little something for mother's day let's enjoy it uh is it our pitch
01:41:27
pictures or our moms or it's our fans moms our fans oh that's great yeah see let's see don't make fun of them by the way
01:41:34
yes this is no way mother's day mamas oh yeah beautiful women of course oh there we
01:41:40
are listen to the song you know it go ahead girl [Music] i wanna take your mama out for date night
01:41:51
[Music] make her feel all right give a conversation till the daylight cause she is so damn tight i pick your mama
01:42:03
up in a ford flex that i borrowed from my last ex leave your purse mama cause i got checks tonight gonna be about mental sex
01:42:15
we hit up tgi fridays take the scenic route forget the highways there's no such thing as my way it's about you
01:42:26
mama you my baby when dinner's done take your ass straight home walk you to the front door so you're not alone kiss your hand and say thanks for the
01:42:37
love you've shown get back in my car and then i'm gone show you respect like the queen you must be you never stutter always speaking directly
01:42:49
you ever need me mama you just text me until then you stay so damn sexy happy mother's day mamas happy mother's day mama wow you would have been better as if we'd done that video but you lipsticked it
01:43:04
that will lip sync because at first when we were playing the video i thought andrew's singing this live wow what a
01:43:12
talent i don't remember the lyrics i wrote them up try it let's just try it well real quick
01:43:17
by the way by the way i do want to say this seriously some of the fans sent in a lot of fans sent in pictures of mom beautiful mothers and some of the fans
01:43:23
mothers passed away and uh and it's a lot some of these photos are moms that are not with us anymore which i i just want
01:43:30
to say we appreciate you know bob knows about a loss of a parent so it's cool that people included
01:43:35
their moms that were gone it was a big deal i thought that was very nice though that was very nice that's why the
01:43:40
song is not disrespectful it's very respectful okay obviously if i'm running i know
01:43:46
my frailties i'm not like trump where i'm like i know everything right like trust me
01:43:52
yeah i know my frailties you'd go back i know i'll be [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah right so i'm gonna need somebody
01:43:58
right that you know i mean could really imagine imagine how big your teleprompter would need to be you can't
01:44:04
read the tv that's three feet away no i would never read the prompter i would so what would you do with speakers
01:44:09
oh you'd improvise every speech every speech all right here we go a national address right now you're you're the president united states oh
01:44:15
god not this yes we're gonna do it you're gonna look right into your camera right there no no this one right here write that one straight ahead which one right here i
01:44:21
want you to make a national address to the country to tell them that we're i'm not going to be funny about it though i want to be real yeah of course that's what they
01:44:27
need out of you you're the president a lot of times when i do these improvs i i lean toward funny
01:44:32
don't be funny i want to be real this is real all right okay so i want you do not laugh i'm not gonna because that's not funny
01:44:38
tell her she's the one that does it all right i want you to address the nation and tell them that we're what's going on though tell me this scenario can i tell you yeah we're under
01:44:44
attack right now we've had a terrorist attack okay okay all right where in in new york city in the subway line
01:44:50
okay but can i tell you what was going on down there what a bunch of terrorists decided to start raping uh okay
01:44:58
that's all you need to know raping and killing people in the subway you're my secretary of defense in the subway this is what this is
01:45:03
what's going to go on backstage by the way you're my secretary of defense sure okay sir budget i got it okay so you need to address the country i got it
01:45:09
in three terrorists [Music] to the people jamie i your president have a national address for you okay
01:45:27
as we know our constitution creates a foundation for in which we must react to global
01:45:35
epidemics and also national ones and something horrific occurred in new york city um i also want to add that um i
01:45:50
as presidents to the people right based on all the amendments especially the second one and all of them they're all important by the way the amendments were created right as
01:46:03
you know a tool set in which we can look down the line we have we have 50 plus amendments there are a lot [Laughter]
01:46:17
there are a lot all right tell them what they're uh we will we'll get to that because i know that i
01:46:23
have to fill 30 minutes right but they want to know what happened tell them what happened sir sir i'm sorry people are dying
01:46:36
this is no laughing matter i apologize this is no laughing matter right yesterday last night last night last night at two in the morning
01:46:48
so technically today so technically they technically didn't right although some would assume that it happened yesterday because it happened in the wee hours
01:47:02
[Laughter] yesterday at two in the morning in the subways of our great city of new york which is a part of the united states of
01:47:13
america i'm sorry i don't know why sorry what happened sir a gig of terrorists isis aka al-qaeda
01:47:27
aka you know from turkey assange okay hassan his wife okay hassan and his wife right they dispatched their cronies aka the isis right to come into our great
01:47:40
city of new york which happens to be in the united states of america right to terrorize us right with their
01:47:48
ideology that's based on scriptures that don't go against the bible they do go against the bible they have a different ideology although be it we have freedom of religion in this country yes
01:48:00
so you may worship any god that as you as you want so i am not judging one's religion or sect or not domination dominatrix dominatrix right
01:48:14
but yesterday at 2 32 p.m a.m right of today right in the subways of our great city you know they attacked a bunch of um
01:48:25
elderly elderly people in the subways now what this elderly group of people were going to a volleyball game
01:48:33
they were going to in a volleyball tournament right in brooklyn right they were going from queens to brooklyn
01:48:38
right they were this early volleyball team right they're called the hazmatics and they were fighting you know yeah i mean the crutchers crutches the crutches in the the final
01:48:51
senior citizen tournament volleyball tournament championship championships in brooklyn and they were waiting for the subway
01:48:57
right and as you know at 2 30 two in the morning the subways they don't they're not as active as
01:49:04
often right and they come in waves the subways so in the window between you know i mean
01:49:10
stop and go between the two junctions right to the people right hiri right no i'm not done oh [ __ ] i'm not done okay
01:49:20
a gang of al-qaeda assange terrorists right they came in with their masks we had no idea what was going we have we also have the best police force in the subways of new york right and
01:49:34
they patrol them you know me at every hour in every station in every point and we are salutes to them so we salute
01:49:42
them all the seniors were raped they were raped they were bent over the benches down
01:49:48
there in the subways in a line right yeah and these al-qaeda isis people right they bent each one of them over
01:49:55
they loop their dicks because as as you know american citizens and senior citizens they have dry
01:50:01
orifices they're getting old right they were raped then murdered then left to rot
01:50:10
this morning at eight in the morning is when they were found oh god yes so hiri hirihiri god bless
01:50:16
america we will get these perpetrators and so long honestly yeah pretty good i mean as your secretary of defense pretty good i'm impressed
01:50:38
[Music] yes