00:00:00
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two or something. We're bad friends.
00:00:12
Ho h down in the bou. We got legs that are tired. Lights that flicker in the night. Oh, hum. My old black legs are skimming
00:00:28
through the sand with my weepy eyes and my sour soul. And I'm coming around. What's up? That was improvised. Oh. Oh yeah. You know the hoof. As you
00:00:42
trek through the woods with your bow. Yeah, dude. Oh, [Music] where your porridge is cold but your
00:00:56
anus is numb. Oh, where the donuts are old fairy and they're filled with ho. My Mexican friend is dumb, but he's got no Julio a glacia. I don't know. Damn,
00:01:22
dude. I couldn't do it. So close. I'm so tired. No, you got it. But anyway, um, thanks for the donut. Have you had one of these? I have. No, you haven't, dude. Let me see. No, you haven't. Get Why? I
00:01:32
didn't eat it today. Get a pistachio, dude. Man. Yeah. Pro. I'm going to prove a point here. You know what the fans love when we eat on the show? Just take
00:01:39
a bite. Um, I will take one little bite of a stash. Do you guys want some of this? Oh my god. Is it soft?
00:01:49
Yeah. Well, let the flavor sink in. Let the flavor sink in. You know what my biggest problem is? Do you think Paul
00:01:54
Hollywood just goes eat and then says it? He does this. No. Sometimes he does this.
00:02:02
Let me tell you something. I don't like that it's got like cream cream in it. Oh. Oh. Oh. Yeah. I don't like cream. You got cream inside you. And people eat
00:02:14
that man. You are tired. Okay. There's cream in everything, dude. In titty milk, dude. A lady last night,
00:02:28
a 68-y old lady pulled out her titty in my show. That's your crowd? Yeah. And I go, um, I thought the joke I said was, "What comes out of there caught his shoes?" And it got
00:02:41
nothing. And then my second lesson in Houston, I hear a th a thump. Like a big thump. And I looked to my right and there's a 600 lb man. I'm not kidding
00:02:54
you. Laying on the floor, face first on the floor like this going, "Oh, home. This comedy sucks. I'm taking a nap."
00:03:08
So, wait a minute. There's a big fat dude on the floor. What? Right. Oh. Oh, you are coming.
00:03:14
Well, thanks for showing up. Yeah. So, this guy's laying on his right. He's I think he's dead. So, there's two choices, right? Piss on him. No. No.
00:03:25
Pretend it's not happening. Right. Yeah. Just keep going. Right. Because it's it was off to my right. So, I see staff,
00:03:31
the managers. Yeah. Trying to revive them. And I'm go, "Yeah, that's what the cho said." You know, whatever. Right.
00:03:37
And then, um I just look to the right. I go, "What's going on?" And they go, "We don't know,
00:03:43
man. It's packed. Sold out." And it's now people are just rumbling. Oh, there's rumblings. Yeah. Now people are rumbling, right? And I'm going off to the side looking to see you going to be
00:03:55
okay, man. He's 600 lb. Right. It takes him like 20 minutes to get the [ __ ] out of there. Right.
00:04:02
Right. Right. And then um they got a forklift in the Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then um you hear him breathing outside. You know how hard it is to restart the room? Oh yeah, bro. Dude, I
00:04:16
had a guy had had like had a stroke in Nashville in the balcony at Zies. No. I was like, am I going to do this show now? Well, in the middle of your act. Yeah. And you stopped. Well, there was
00:04:28
like a big commotion and then I was like, what's going on? And then they were like, it's medical emergency. And I was like, I know. My thought was dead.
00:04:34
Somebody died. Yeah. You know, cuz that happened that's happened at almost every show I've done. So then this morning I
00:04:39
get a direct message from some guy. I want to let you know guy dude that guy died last night. No. Yeah. Carlos.
00:04:47
Carlos. What the Carlos? That's not funny. Carlos, man. Carlos, that's not funny, dude. That's funny. Carlos, stop it, dude. I can't
00:04:57
believe. I can't believe it. Stop that. Ho ho, dude. Dude, home died. Ho home died, dude. That's insane, dude. Carlos, you're sick. You're evil, Carlos.
00:05:08
Right. So I get So I get it. Then I start calling the management. Don't that's not funny. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Stop it. You want to I mean you
00:05:19
should you you should have seen my reaction. I read I was like OMG. What? OMG. What's OMG mean? Oh my god. Oh my god. I was Oh my god. And then I And then it took me a while to get a And
00:05:31
then the manager goes, "No, he went and got a pizza." Okay. No, there was a pizza place. I guess the medics came. He stood up and went straight to the pizza place.
00:05:42
No, I'm not kidding. Could smell the cheese? Yeah. So, I'm like, "Oh, so he just went to the pizza." He go, "Yeah, yeah, the pizza place that you went to
00:05:48
earlier." Oh, it's good pizza, right? Thanks for [ __ ] on my shelf. I hate what you know when like when I was in
00:05:53
Phoenix, the sirens went off in the You know what I mean? I don't know what you mean. Fire alarm. Yeah, fire alarm. I
00:06:00
mean, the sirens went off. Well, the stand up gay nightclub next door. Yeah. So, yeah.
00:06:11
Get ready for the ho. Oh. Oh. Um. DJ ho ho. Yeah, that wasn't going on. Look who's here. Yep. Look at how brown she is. Damn, dude. Get out of the sun. You know, she was just in Hawaii for two
00:06:24
weeks. Mhm. Yeah. It shows. Yeah. Yeah. It shows. It shows. That's not how you That phrase doesn't go there. It's supposed to be a It's supposed to be facitious. The It shows. So if
00:06:36
somebody goes, "Yeah, I went to 5 years of college." You go, "Yeah, it shows." That's what that is. Ah, she goes to
00:06:42
Hawaii for for how long? Two weeks. Yeah. You don't go, "It shows." You go, "Oh, that's nice." So try it again. How
00:06:49
long did you go to Hawaii for? Two weeks. That's nice. Dude, just do it shows. I think it shows is good. That's not It's not good. That's true. That's nice. So, hey,
00:07:00
Carlos, bring up that this you be I I saw a Filipino girl online. It reminded me of you. No, I'm serious. Okay. Not
00:07:07
her. That's not it. I have it. But but I want Bobby. Right. Just on this image real quick. How do you like your coffee?
00:07:14
It says Yeah. Which one of those two tones are your coffee? Cuz your mind might change when you see the whole cup.
00:07:21
Oh, can I I love this game. Yeah. I I love the tone coffee game. So, what kind of coffee do you like it with a lot of
00:07:26
cream or or not that much cream? Me? I thought you were asking her. Anybody can answer. or um well I just um I like a lot of cream. You you like the the far
00:07:37
right a lot of cream. Yeah. Let's see what the full cup looks like. Want to do mocha? Yeah. Jules, do you know her?
00:07:44
Thank god I didn't do cream. Oh my god. Thank god I didn't do cream on the No, on the left. The right? No, on the left. The right. Look at the teeth. Zoom in a
00:07:55
little bit. Zoom in. Pinch on that. Can you pinching on it? I got to tell you something. The tattoos.
00:08:02
The tattoos aren't distracting enough. No. I thought this was fake, right? I thought it was like a fake. No, I've seen her face before. You know her? No, in my Tik Toks I have my algorithm shows
00:08:13
her sometimes. Really? Yeah. I love her. Yeah. Yeah. I love her. The one on the left's sexy though. Hot. Yeah. But then
00:08:20
the one on the right. Um the one on the left. Can I ask you a question? In in what? What kind? They don't have
00:08:25
dentists. We should do a test. No. Let me ask you dentist in the Philippines. Don't you think that we make a cat?
00:08:32
Google Filipino. There's dentists in the Philippines. I don't think so. No. What the [ __ ] is that? I don't know. What is
00:08:39
that? I don't. And if you had two teeth, come on. How much wood would a wood chuck chuck dentist in the Philippines in Sibu?
00:08:50
Let's see. Wow. How many? There's three places on three in the whole [ __ ] 70,000 islands. Three places. By the way, new dental clinic cuz the old one didn't make it. Yeah. What's the first
00:09:00
one? Sibu Dental Care. Give me reviews of Sabu Dental Care. Reviews 4.9. Pretty good. That's good.
00:09:07
Let's read it though. Yeah. I had an excellent experience at Sabu. No, no, no. Do the accent. Oh, sorry. Yeah. Yeah. Do the accent.
00:09:18
I had excellent experience at Sabu Dental Center. That's Indian. But I like Sabis outstanding. Yeah. Price is
00:09:25
reasonable. Yeah. That paint. By the way, this is written by these are all Americans. This isn't real. Yeah. I love
00:09:31
the one stars, two stars. I would not return there. We had only We had only dental checks and cleaning and polishing. Painful and useless and
00:09:38
expensive. Dude, 300 years ago when you had a toothache, what the [ __ ] would you do? Pull it out. Really? They used to
00:09:44
pull them out even like if it's coming on. Oh, dude. That's when you know to pull it out, right? So, if you got a
00:09:50
little pain, you would start pulling it out. Yank it. What's Why would you keep it? Cuz it's only going to get infected. They're not going to do anything with
00:09:56
it. Wow. You know, it is crazy to think about people from like over a hundred years ago who still who had good teeth.
00:10:02
Yeah. Like back in the day, they used to use like some whale extract from like a the whale blubber to make cologne or
00:10:10
perfume from Right. Right. You know what I mean? Just different ways of makeup was what back in the day? Flower
00:10:17
flowers. Berries. Berries and flowers. Yeah. Berries. No blood. No. In Trans Transylvania there's blood. I'm kidding. I don't know. How was my rude?
00:10:27
See, that's why I set it up. It's good. Yeah. I'm I'm a a beat slow today. What did you What What did What did uh Why
00:10:34
did you say berries? Did you Did you ever use berries as a kid for makeup? No, but um on your lips, did No, but
00:10:41
there's a tradition where like if you get your first period, you have to put your period blood all over your face. I'm really glad you're back. I don't
00:10:52
know if it's just in the Philippines, but that's what you just definitely just in the Philippines. I've never heard that. Why women are using their period
00:10:59
blood for face masks. Oh, that does work then. No, she's saying when you get your first first period. I don't know. I
00:11:06
don't do it every period. Well, there there's a Here you go. Despite this, culturally, the use of menstrual blood
00:11:11
is something that has been done traditionally superstitiously for years. In the Philippines, it said if you wash your face with period blood, you'll be
00:11:17
blessed with acnefree skin during puberty. Did that work? No. No. Yeah. Yeah. And then like you have to jump
00:11:23
like 10 times to like What? That's a transition. Jump like 10 times. What? Just jump 10 times to I think shake shake it loose. No, just is
00:11:35
the cork up there. You need to cork a wine bottle. That my grandma did that. But you jump up and down for what
00:11:41
reason? I think to have a longer life. I think that's it. Yeah. Dude, tell me the song you guys sing when you do that. Yeah. Yeah. No song. There's no
00:11:52
songreat. That Wait, so this is So she painted her face and you do it on your first one and then that's supposed to bless you for life. Yeah. Koreans believe and this
00:12:04
used to work when you had a Charlie horse, right? What's a Charlie horse? Come here. I'll [ __ ] it. I'll give you one. It's when you It's when you have a It's like a muscle cramp. Uh or or
00:12:18
there's like a buzzing, you know, say Charlie horse. What do you call it? Charlie horse. You're right. Charlie
00:12:23
horse. Why would you laugh at that then? I just imagine Korean saying it. Well, how do you say it in Korean? Well, zoom
00:12:30
in. How do you say it in Korean? So, if you had a Charlie horse, right? Yeah. Yeah.
00:12:35
Yeah. It's easier to say Charlie horse. Charlie horse. Right. All right. But you do
00:12:42
this. My grandma would go lick I don't know speak Korean but she goes lick your finger tap your nose three times. That would get rid of a Charlie horse. It really did. No way. Yeah. When you have
00:12:54
a Charlie horse, anyone listening, right? Do that. It gets rid of it completely. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. I'm excited
00:12:59
for my next Charlie horse. Yeah. I never heard. We didn't have any You must have wise tales. Wives tales. Wives tales.
00:13:08
Wives tales. Right. Wise wives tales. Yeah. What you mean? Do we have anything like that? Yeah, it's like uh
00:13:16
um I'm trying to think of some white ones. What are the white ones? Well, it's like, you know, if you know my dad said, you know, if you watch TV too
00:13:23
close, you go grand grandpa going to die. Stuff like that. You know what I mean? I grandpa died already. Well,
00:13:29
yeah. You know, they say if you masturbate too much, you get hairy hands. Yeah, that's one that's a wife. That's a wife's tail. Yeah. Do Filipans
00:13:35
have wives tails like that? Like something like a superstitious thing that it's not true. Like if you wipe
00:13:40
blood on your face after your first period. Yeah. You won't get acne. So, or like if you watch if you've seen like a
00:13:47
naked body or like porn, then you will have like a like a big like bump on your eye. Oh, a sty. A stye. You get a stye in your eye from porn. Yeah. Yeah.
00:14:00
You get a cataract. You get a cataract. Wow. Never heard that before. Okay. Look
00:14:05
at this one. Some of the Filipino culture go up. some of the Filipino cult the superstitions avoiding sweeping at
00:14:11
night. Don't sweep, right? What is that? Don't sweep. What do you What does sweeping at night do? I think let her
00:14:17
guess that that's a fun. Sweeping at night. What is that? Sweeping at night. Yeah. I think it's just to something
00:14:24
with ghosts or like Okay. Did she have it right? It says sweeping at night sweeps away good fortune and and attracts bad luck. Don't look at the
00:14:30
screen. What about cutting your nails at night? Why can't you do that? Trim your nails. It will not grow back. No, but
00:14:37
that's that makes more sense. Evil spirits. Don't ever sleep with wet hair in the Philippines. Oh, because you will
00:14:43
have white hair. What? Wow. Wow. That was fast. What does it say? It says it go blind. What? That's not true. That's
00:14:52
not true. Hold on. What the [ __ ] We love it. Don't This is amazing. Okay. Maybe different islands have different
00:14:57
things. I don't know. You know. All right. This says not going home right after awake. Like after you after you go to a Oh, because the spirit will follow
00:15:04
you. Bingo. Itchy palms. Itchy palms. Itchy palms. You can do pag to get rid of it. Oh, if you do a puckp cleansing ritual. Didn't we do a pukp pog on this show? Okay. We love Filipinos, by the
00:15:15
way. For the record, they're our favorite people. How about not taking a home, Nick? Not taking food home from away. So, after a funeral, you don't
00:15:22
take food home, right? I take food home. Okay. Well, yeah. Okay. Itchy palms. What about itchy palms? Um, itchy palms. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When
00:15:32
your hands are itchy inside your hand, you'll die. Sure. This just says it's a sign of good luck to have itchy tongue.
00:15:39
Two more. Biting your tongue. Biting. If you said like a Oh, if someone's talking
00:15:45
[ __ ] about you. Damn. That's true. Yeah. [ __ ] yeah, dude. What about the tabby taboo? Oh, that's I told you about this.
00:15:52
It's like when you're like going through like a quiet area or like a big tree, you have to say tab tab po or else like the the mythical creatures. Wait, you've
00:16:03
never [ __ ] said this before. What are you talking about? Like I said that before during like a Halloween. I've never heard you say tabby tabby to po
00:16:10
before. Give me give me an example. Give me an example though. Give me an example. I told you this before. You
00:16:15
It's Halloween. We're trick-or-treating. You know what I mean? I'm dressed up as like a fat minion. Yeah. And you're at
00:16:21
what? Uh, soap. Okay. We're in the forest. We're lost. Yeah. Where does this tabby tabby p Okay. So, like when when you're when there's like a big tree
00:16:32
and but we're walking by a big tree. Okay. Quiet. And you're going redwood. Redwood. Yeah. You're going through it.
00:16:37
You have to say. But if we don't, what happens? Then like something bad will happen. They
00:16:48
made a movie guys. Tabby Tabby Po Tabby Pabby Tabby Tabby Po Go back to the list. Go back to the list. There's one
00:16:54
more. Wait a minute. So you're go by the way. Yeah. Also soap. You're so mythical. Yeah. You think you're soap? Soap. Okay. Jumping at
00:17:06
midnight. Well, yeah. What about jumping in the middle of the at midnight? It's just for um good luck. Grow taller in
00:17:12
the new year. Can you wear red in the Philippines? Do people wear red? Yeah, it says it says it's going to increase your chance of being struck by lightning. Wow. Don't look. What is a
00:17:24
sukub? Sukup. Sukup. Sukup. Sukup. S U K O B. Sukup. No, that's not Maybe little tree.
00:17:31
Is there a little tree you walk by? Sukup. Yeah. Oh, yeah. What about you know that? Twin bananas. Capida.
00:17:38
Capignaging. Twin bananas. Yeah. If a woman consumes a twin banana, she'll have twins. I don't know. M that's interesting. What about scattering coins
00:17:50
in a new house? When you move into a house, you scatter change everywhere. No, but we bring rice and salt. Well,
00:17:56
okay. Okay. So, whatever someone stereotypes aren't real. You're like, well, they they are. Yeah. It's very
00:18:03
funny. You bring salt and rice to what? Salt the floor and rice the floor, right? No, you just put the rice like
00:18:09
somewhere and then put salt around it. Yeah. Yeah. It's like for good fortune and like the spirits bad spirits won't
00:18:16
come. Could I put carpacio on there too and just eat it afterwards? No, you can't eat it.
00:18:22
The Italians are like, "When we buy a new house, we put down the mortadella on the floor." We do a little chant called
00:18:28
hung hungry hippos. Wow, it's so strange. Avoid mirrors opposite the front door. You can't have a mirror directly across from the front door. That's bad luck. Amazing. Covering
00:18:40
mirrors is bad luck in Filipino culture. It says placing a chick on a coffin like a baby
00:18:47
chicken on a coffin. That's that. I don't know. Oh, cool. Let's cut it out. You know what? Fancy Spain has a lot of
00:18:53
weird supers. I'm sure you guys have just as many weirdo ones. You know Spain's got some stupid ones. What
00:18:59
is the grapes at Midnight? Remember we did that one time. It's the dumbest [ __ ] on earth. That is not superstitious.
00:19:05
Yeah, it is supposed to wish you good. You're supposed to have then you have good luck. That's a fun no hats on the bed in Spain. Considered bad luck to put
00:19:11
a hat on your bed. Well, that was in the movie Drugstore Cowboy. Drugstore June.
00:19:17
No, drugstore. You ever see drugstore cowboy? No. I've seen Ryan Les Van Sand directed it with Matt Dylan and there
00:19:24
was a scene they they steal drugs fromarmacies. Uhhuh. And um just like Drugstore June.
00:19:31
Yeah. And Matt Dylan, one of the I think Heather Graham sticks a [ __ ] um hat on the bed and then Matt Dylan goes all apeshit because now they're going to have like six weeks of bad luck. Whoa.
00:19:44
Yeah. And it it I went to Buck Wild last night. You went to the strip club Buck Wild? Yeah. Why'd you do that, bud? Because the um the club that I played um they knew the um they knew the manager
00:19:57
and they did and a Samoan guy showed up and he drove me an hour like 45 minutes outside of the city and I went to Buck
00:20:03
Wild and um I drove 45 minutes back really quickly after that. How long were you there? Five five hours.
00:20:13
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code bad friends to sign up for your free trial. That's shipstation.com. Code bad friends. What have you been doing?
00:22:28
You went to Hawaii? Yeah. And I've been surfing. That's why I'm like really down. You really Yeah, you are really
00:22:34
Are you getting good? I don't know. This is what Trump was talking about, man. They come here, they surf all day. M
00:22:40
they don't do anything anymore. They're surfers. Are you scared? Right. You must be scared. I don't know. Ice is coming.
00:22:47
But then they're also saying like even with visas, people are getting deported. Yeah. What island did you go to in
00:22:53
Hawaii? Oahu. Oh wahoo. Mhm. You guys like that? Mhm. Well, they have a they they own a place out there. I know. Yeah. I know. Yeah. Yeah. It's fun. You surfed all day and then you ate ate uh
00:23:07
pokey. Yeah. All day. It's all you do, right? Okay. I'm gonna go in a couple months. I'm going to show Hawaii
00:23:13
Theater. I'm going to do a show there. You're doing a standup show? Yeah. Wow. Come out. It'll be fun. No, thank you.
00:23:18
Why? I I I You know what's so funny? I drive to your [ __ ] shows and do guest spots. Yeah, cuz they're great. I know, but I don't think you would ever
00:23:28
go to a different city for me. Of course I would. That's silly. Yeah. Why not Hawaii? Neil Brennan's going to go.
00:23:34
Well, there you go. You got a white. No, no. I I want several whites. He's the number one white. Neil Brennan. What is
00:23:39
that? Oh, that's it. Friday, June 6th. Yep. June 6th. Come. Uhoh. Who's here? What's that? I You know who he is. Crazy. Oh, there it is. Yeah, there crazy face. There it is. There's crazy
00:23:52
boy. He's crazy. There comes Nutso. He's nuts. Who is it? You'll know. You'll know when you see. You know what? You
00:23:58
can tell. You can't tell from the whistle. That's Yeah. Corporate comedy's coming. Corporate comedy is coming to
00:24:05
town. coming to town. AGT, you ever see America's Got Talent? You ever seen America's Got Talent? Yeah. Do you like that show? You like that show? It's okay. Yeah, I know. Me, too. See
00:24:18
that? You [ __ ] freak. Get in here. That's his bait whistle. Whoa. Whoa. You're safe. You're safe. You're safe here. Oh, sit down.
00:24:36
Guys, how Mandela? Howie Mandel's here, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, Howie Mandel. Yay.
00:24:43
We love Howie. Howie, you met Julie him before, right? You met? She's the best. Are those Rick Owens? What are you
00:24:49
wearing there? What are you talking about? Your shoes. Sketchers. I I These are uh Snoop Dog's Sketchers. Oh,
00:24:56
really? I have a Sketchers. I'm an ambassador for Sketchers. Why are you laughing at that? What's
00:25:02
just a weird thing to say? You know what's great about Snoop Dogg? Yeah, I think he's I think the best part about
00:25:07
Snoop is he's really reserved himself. He doesn't do too much, right? He Well, it says he's like Kevin Hart magic
00:25:12
words. He's like Kevin Hart in that one. He says no a lot. He really does. Like Snoop like can you name any products
00:25:17
that Snoops attached to or that anything he's doing? Let me think. Not or not. Sketchers. Sketchers. These are these
00:25:24
are actually these are these are called Sketchers and they're slipins because you don't even need the laces are
00:25:29
nothing. You slip in, you slip out. We're doing ads for Sketchers now. I'm doing it. I do Howie Mandel is here. One
00:25:37
of our favorite people, ladies and gentlemen. And Howie's brought his family. That's your son. Your whole family. And I've met you before.
00:25:44
No, I don't think so. Who else is there? Is it your daughter? No, I didn't bring my daughter. Who did you bring? Alex,
00:25:51
your wife. Alex, who did you bring? Your girlfriend. She's friend. Are you seeing her? No. H. You guys are just friends.
00:25:59
Yeah. How old are you? 35. Oh, dude. He's 35. Alex, are you married? No, I'm not. No. Are you married? I live vicariously through my son on Instagram.
00:26:09
Oh, you do? Yeah. He's got a model rescue service. I've talked about this before. I mean, what do you have to do?
00:26:14
It's really nice. What he what he does is he takes in like wounded models and nurses them back to health. Yeah. And once he feels that they're able to talk about commitment, he kind of just
00:26:27
Yeah. Yeah. sends them back. Andrew. Andrew. How Mandel mastering must be such an ordeal. Jesus. Okay. I got it.
00:26:35
And I got the plastics. And then Okay. Okay. Okay. Um, put the wall up. And I mean, what the [ __ ] dude? Yeah. I use a glory hole on myself. Wow. I have
00:26:48
to reach around the wall. Wow. I don't want to get any uh Do you still old man? Do you still masturbate?
00:26:54
This is like a bad episode of of ufu. Yeah. Yeah. Old man, do you still have old man? But howie, do you do you still or No, I I'm I'm doing That's why I got my legs crossed right now. Oh, I see. I
00:27:07
see. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I do. Wow. This is I do. Son, I still masturbate. Are you glad you showed up with me? Yeah. Can you give him a play by play? Pardon me. Oh, she wants to know more. I
00:27:20
mean, do you watch things, Howie? Or do you uh Yeah, I watch videos of people washing their hands.
00:27:26
Very good. Very good. Yeah. Yeah. That was really good. Did it bother you that I brought a whistle? Yeah. No, I like the whistle. I love the whistle. The
00:27:32
whistle is my new thing. I'm going to make that my thing. You're the guy because there's so many There's so many
00:27:39
people out there. Look at her face. How concerned. Why Why are you cons What are you concerned about? Well, cuz women usually have practical uses for
00:27:44
whistles. Yeah. I just don't understand. It's hard for a man. A whistle. Well, what do you do?
00:27:52
What's the point? You blow. Yeah. Yeah. Now, do you understand? No. What do you mean? Why do you look like you're in pain? I don't know.
00:28:05
Yeah. Yeah. You're really enjoying me. That's her. No, that she's always like that. That's her disposition. I live with her. Really? I know you live with
00:28:11
her. I met her at your house. But but the thing is that you have a very pained look on your face. Like there's a
00:28:16
problem. That's my normal face. Well, it isn't normal. I'm telling you, it's not normal. Julia, is there like a a
00:28:22
Filipino Got Talent? Filipino? No, but we have a lot of Filipinos on the show who have talent. I
00:28:30
know they do. The The guy that can sing with two voices. That's That guy's the What? Wait, what's his first name? Marcelo. Marcelo. You know who he is?
00:28:37
Oh, yeah. I love him. Hernandez from SNL. No, he does. No, no, dude. He is the most talented singer you've ever
00:28:43
heard in your life. He does deep voices and then he has a like angelic voice on top of it. That does two voices like he
00:28:49
does a duet with himself. Dude, he will [ __ ] you up. This guy. Yeah. The greatest singer on kills Freddy Mercury.
00:28:55
kills anybody. Wow. What do you mean? Wow. I'm telling you right now, the Philippines rule. That's a bold claim.
00:29:01
They'll play some. All right, there we go. Just do the first one. You see how Zanzer on the table? This is how he
00:29:07
jerks off to himself. Oh, wow. He sings to himself like a pretty girl. It's the same guy. That's the same guy. These are your people. Why are you laughing? It's good.
00:29:22
That's the What? How? Oh, you you're not impressed. I think Andrew can do it. You could do it. Oh, yeah. Try it, Andrew.
00:29:28
From where you're from, they have leprechauns jumping up and down a [ __ ] rainbow. And you think that's that that's that's not good. It's not
00:29:33
good. Are you kidding me? Can you do better? Yeah. Oh, do it then. I want to sing. There's no way. Give me the
00:29:39
lyrics, dude. Here we go. We're all going to sing it. Give me the lyrics. Are you doing the female partner? Give
00:29:44
me the lyrics, dude. I got it. I'm tone. Here we go. There it is. Here we go. Zoom in real good. My All right. What the [ __ ]
00:30:00
As old as time, right? Yeah. True as it can be. Barely even friends, then somebody
00:30:14
bends unexpected. Go ahead. Just a little change. But you can't got to do the girl. Small. That is the girl. Yeah. Yeah. What are you doing? You're not even in tune. You're
00:30:29
not even in tune, dude. Your perception. You're playing the Russian boxer. Yeah. I didn't realize women can't sound that
00:30:35
way. Oh, I know what you're Oh, dude. Yeah, you're right. You're right. See you later, man. You're right. Way to go,
00:30:40
guys. See what you did. Way to put yourself in a corner. The worst singer here is you. Can you sing? See one of
00:30:45
them. Sing one line. Sing. Yeah. Yeah. Here we go. Here we go. Just a little change. Not bad.
00:30:55
Horrible. It's not bad. It's not bad. I'm a professional talent judge. That sucks. But can you sing?
00:31:03
Yeah. Yeah. What gives you the right whenever I'm watching that show? What gives you the right to go, "Oh, that's
00:31:08
good singing. I don't." You're a comedian. I say, "I like it. Maybe it's not everybody's
00:31:14
taste. I like it. I just heard her. I don't like it. Oh, I see. I don't like it. I'm telling you I don't like it. The other judges, two people in the room, you guys like it. Yeah. You're And I'm
00:31:26
being honest with you and that this is not television and it's not network. You sing like [ __ ] Oh my god. Oh my god.
00:31:34
Daughter to me, dude. Don't cry, Jules. Don't cry. No, I know. You do. You sing like [ __ ] I'm being honest with you. And I don't want you because I care about you. I don't want you to think you're good and then go out
00:31:47
into the world and be disappointed and I feel like I'm doing a service. Mhm. How many years you been on that show? 16.
00:31:53
It's time to get off. I wanted to say that, but thank you. It's time to wrap it up. It's a long, Alex, what do you think? How do you feel? Does he need to wrap it up? Do you
00:32:04
want dad to get off the show and get back home to taking care of you? Taking care of him? Well, he's 35. He's
00:32:09
obviously stunted. He brought in a beautiful woman that he's buddies with. Yeah, but he's moving out in the next couple of weeks. We are so excited. You
00:32:15
still live at home? No. Where do you live here? You live in LA. Santa Monica. Santa Monica. Beautiful. I want to live
00:32:21
on the west side. Ask me where I live. I know where you live. Santa Monica. But you you're a great father. You've been a
00:32:28
great father. I have been a great father and I know a little bit about you've been friends for a while. And I think you're a great time. I'm a wonderful
00:32:34
such a nice father. You're a great guy. No. Can we just keep this going? I'm a wonderful You really are. And how
00:32:39
[ __ ] lucky are you guys and you to have me on this episode? Huge. This is Wait. Huge. No. What are you doing? I mean, the numbers will go down, but it's not.
00:32:50
Okay. Huge. Not about numbers. Really huge. Not about the numbers. It's about the soul. Well, it's like, you know, guy, check this out. You know, there's
00:32:56
some artouse movies that no one watches, but this is, you know, I mean, this is an
00:33:02
art house episode. Yeah. Yeah. You know, like the new movie Companion, no one saw it, but people love it. People love it.
00:33:08
Like the critics. So, that's good. So, you know, that's we're going to lose money on the YouTube. about make it's not about making money. It's about doing
00:33:15
quality stuff and this is quality. This feels like quality. This you've done a bunch of these episodes of this one. How
00:33:22
do you feel about this one versus some of the other episodes that you've been a part of? Be completely honest. Well, when they said that someone from um AGT
00:33:30
was coming, I thought it was Simon Cowell. What are you saying? I just thought that. And then what you're trying to say is you were ready
00:33:41
for Simon Cal and then when I showed up you went [ __ ] this is like a surprise. They went they lowballed me and well it
00:33:48
goes Simon Heidi who's on not on it anymore. Yeah but still Heidi still Mel B. Mel B and then Sophia Vagara. Yeah. And then are you for I mean what do you
00:34:00
where are you in the ring? All the people that have come and gone and you're still there I you know who I replaced. You're the Keenan Thompson of
00:34:06
Let me let me guess. I know. Um Howard Stern. No. Okay. I was there with Howard Stern. I replaced David Hasselhoff. The
00:34:13
Hoff after the cheeseburger incident. Huh? That's why that's why the the the nickname for our show is Jew watch.
00:34:24
Regis Sam Donnelly. Now, I don't know who that is. Yeah. No, those aren't judges. That's our executive producer.
00:34:30
Oh, Regis was theo was the first host. He was He was the first host. Then he was followed by um Jerry Springer became
00:34:37
the host. Who's Jason Raph? He was executive producer and then Nick Cannon became the host and then I like the big black guy. That's he's my favorite. Harry Cruz. Yeah, I like him. He's my
00:34:48
favorite. He likes to be called what you just called him. Is he not a big black guy? He is. Okay, good. But he likes his
00:34:54
name. And if somebody if I was on that little fat don't know him from White Chicks. No, I've never met him.
00:35:00
He was in White Chicks. Yeah. Yeah. So, who's on still now? You. Me, Simon. Simon Cardi B. So that's Melby.
00:35:09
He can't make me Melon Cardi. Cardi would be a good get. So you Simon Melbby and Sophia Vagar. Sophia Vagara and and
00:35:17
No, that's it. Terry Cruz is the host. Terry's always been the right. No, he hasn't. Before him was And then it was
00:35:24
Tyra Banks. Yes. How can you look at Simon? Just be real and just look at him. Lock eyes with him and go enough of them.
00:35:35
What is that? What does that mean? Enough of the, you know, ins. That looks It's amazing what you're able to do. You're like a Korean Jim car. Wow. If
00:35:46
they If people just tuned in now and didn't know they were watching this, if they're watching on YouTube, they would That's like uncanny how cuz I sit with
00:35:52
them daily. There we go. Look at Did I Look at that. But do that and then look at that. Put it side by side. I know. I
00:35:59
got it. Sitting side. Yeah. Yeah. We know how older you are, dude. I'm old. Yeah, but you look good for my And no.
00:36:05
And you've had none No face work. I have no face work. Exactly. I've I had Because we like natural beings. Yeah.
00:36:12
Right. Look at, believe it or not, no face work. I had testicular liposuction. You know, I had testicular lipos
00:36:20
suction. Yeah. You got You really got them sucked. I try. I try. I want to. I'm old. I'm going to be 70 this year. [Applause]
00:36:32
That's incredible. That's incredible. What's up for the 70th birthday? Can I ask you also those pants? Are those USPS
00:36:37
pants? I swear to God, the woman that delivers my mail had wears the exact same [ __ ]
00:36:43
pants. I'm not even kidding. Wearing ladies male pants. Ladies male pants. M A I L. I love what you did. There she is. There's my girl that's from the neighborhood. Oh my god. I am wearing
00:36:55
mail. A Alex, I want to say about your dad, though. One of the greatest guys to ever live. But he's also fashionable.
00:37:01
Yeah, he is very fashionable. Yeah, always. Why do you dress all Midwest? Why do I want you? Yeah. I dress
00:37:08
Midwest. I mean, he's just a standard like, you know, solid color. Solid color. He's very like, you know,
00:37:15
um he dresses. Look at my son. And I know he's off camera, but if you look at him, he's dressed exactly like my wife.
00:37:22
I see. Keep it in the family. That's what he does. Howie. Yes. So if I've never seen you buzz somebody like it's
00:37:29
not good. You there's an ex buzz. No, I do it a lot. Really? Yeah. Probably more than anybody. Like if I went up there
00:37:35
watch the show. Like if I went up there. You really watched the show? If I went up there and like no music and I was just like
00:37:44
Buzz, you know who you just did? No, I won't buzz because there's a find this Retriever. Urian Retriever. It's Yur. That was embarrassing. Urian Retriever
00:37:57
dancing. Okay, maybe she does it. This is what you just reminded me of. Did she make it? No, but it's so [ __ ] funny. Wait, this is what you just look like when she
00:38:09
was dancing. Go to Go to the dancing. Go to the dancing. Tell me this is not Bobby Lee.
00:38:17
[Music] That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm That's what I just did. That was dude. That's Yeah. Oh. Oh, Simon. Oh, really?
00:38:29
I bust your face, Simon. I know. Good dancing. Yeah. Yeah. Look at that. Isn't that you? That's incredible. So, why don't you come on and do it? You can
00:38:36
make a [Music] And at that season, Julianne Huff was there who is a dance expert and and put her through. He wasn't the big black guy. Like,
00:38:51
I think this is why America's in debt. Yeah. This is why we're in the hole, man. Why? Because of Uranian. What? What
00:38:58
is Yurian? I didn't understand. Her name is Yuran Retriever. I Okay. Her name is
00:39:05
Yuran Retriever. I thought that was an animal. I swear to God, I thought Golden Retriever is an animal. Yeah. Uran is her name. Oh. Oh, no. She looks very
00:39:16
different. There. Yeah, there she is. But she's not You're looking at shots of her not dancing when she dances. I like
00:39:23
the dance. I think she's cute. Take it away. You should have her on the show. Yeah, she lives here. Really? Yeah.
00:39:28
Single, you think? Yes, I know she is. Great. You keep up with everyone who's ever contested on the show. I've heard.
00:39:34
I keep up with everybody. He's You know that he's got the cell phone number of everyone that's ever tried. I don't have a cell phone, but I DM everybody. Yeah,
00:39:40
I do. Do you want to meet Urion? No, but you know the one that you the one that you gave a I think a golden ticket to.
00:39:45
What's it? Grace Thunderbolt. Who? Grace Grace Thunderbolt. Yeah. What's her name? Grace Thunder. Thunderbolt. The singer. Uh, I think you're thinking of
00:39:52
Grace Vanderwal. Yeah, that one. Yeah, Grace. Grace. Grace the boat. She's so good. You want to talk to Yuran? Howie,
00:39:59
what are you going to do for your 70th? I was kidding. Howie, don't call her. I'm going to call her. Oh, Howie, you're single. Howie, what? Here she is. Howie,
00:40:06
how? Don't call her, dude. I'm going to call her. Oh my god. Well, let him call her. You never know what you'll get out of that. I'll tell her to go on. She's
00:40:13
Oh, she's on FaceTime, maybe. Okay, I'll see if it won't go on. I'm going to do an accent, though, for sure.
00:40:19
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00:40:31
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That's square. s qu.com/go/badfriends. Run your business smarter with Square. Get started today. Oh yeah yeah yeah. Okay. Here we go. I don't No, do not do
00:42:45
that. Retriever. I'll do that like a I'm a golden retriever. Stop that. You stop that. Oh,
00:42:57
watch. I'm just practicing. Oh, let me Yeah. Let me leave a message. Let me No. It's Howie.
00:43:10
There's no way her real name is Retriever. Pretty stuck. Pretty stuck on that. Really? Yeah. A million followers though. Yeah. No. Killing it. She's a dancer. I know. People love dance. Well,
00:43:25
yes, she did. Well, not enough. You didn't put her through. I didn't have because other people didn't get it. I
00:43:30
was a [ __ ] Simon. Oh, Simon. He doesn't understand dance like I do. Who do you Who do you Who do you love? Who
00:43:36
do you really love working with? Truly truly truly. Who really good you work with? There you go. You know, really
00:43:42
enjoy that person a lot. I I enjoy Sophia Vagara. You should have on. Not only that, she's funny and funny. I've never noticed her looks. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Really? That's not how I view people. He
00:43:54
goes right to that beautiful thing. I think smart, sweet. That pudgy Asian girl says she was good. Okay, dude. Why
00:44:01
are you making fun of somebody that looks exactly like you? Yeah, that's why I'm I can do it, right? No. With a
00:44:06
little If it is you, you can do it. If they look like you and it's not you, you can't. Kiwi fruit. What are you saying? I guess kiwi fruit. Kiwi fruit. Yeah.
00:44:18
I've asked I've asked, but I am really interested. What What is 70th birthday going to be? That's a hu that's a big
00:44:23
deal. I'm going to throw it myself. I'm going to do It's going to be a surprise. Are we invited to your party? I'm not
00:44:29
telling anybody. No, I'm going to plan it, but I'm not going to tell anyone. I'm going to park way down the street
00:44:35
and then I'm going to hide behind my door. Yeah. And wait for nothing. I don't want to celebrate at that. All
00:44:41
kidding aside, I'm not celebrating. Do a party. I'm not. You're not going to celebrate your 70th birthday. I don't want to. I don't like birthdays anymore.
00:44:48
Yeah. Why not? I'm [ __ ] 70. Yeah, but 70 is a big deal. Here's the thing. You know, she's never going to get there. Do it for her. How old are you? 23. These people go fast. They go fast. I was I
00:45:02
was more than a decade older than you when you were born. Yeah. You know, I'm The thing about me, look at me. I'm You look young. I'm going to die soon. No,
00:45:12
you're not. I am. You're going to be like that one guy. Um who's the one guy that didn't die soon? He's 99. What's
00:45:18
his name? Huh? Dick Van Djk. Dick Dick Van Djk. But even that, you're going to be like that. 29 years. 29 years, which
00:45:25
is even older than So I've only got another 29. No, I'm You got a long time. You got a long time. How many more
00:45:31
appearances on this podcast do you think I've got left in me in the rest of my life? Yeah. Who? Honestly, ask ask um
00:45:39
ask AI how long how much longer Howie has to live. Yeah. Ask when Howie man how much longer will Howie Mandel live
00:45:45
and then three years from now you're you're going to be still doing that show and the androids are going to be are you going to wait to air this like to the
00:45:51
day before this says and then that way this is we usually hold this stuff out. If you die this is going to be a banger.
00:45:57
Wouldn't that be great for you? Think about how great. Look at that. Zoom in. It is impossible to predict how long any
00:46:04
individual will live, including uh public figures like Howie Mandel. Life expectancy depends on many factors, including genetics, lifestyle choice,
00:46:10
medical conditions, and even chance. However, Howie Mandel, like anyone else, will live as long as his health and circumstances allow. No one can know for
00:46:17
sure how long. Probably the next four years. [ __ ] That's pretty. Yeah. See, but you're
00:46:25
going to you're going to go for a long time. You're a healthy guy. Well, you exercise and you exercise your brain daily. That's mo That's just as
00:46:31
important. That's what they say. If the noodle is activated, is that what they say? They say a healthy brain is a
00:46:37
healthier life for sure. Do you ever see life in the blue zones? Do you ever watch that? No. What What is that? Like that's what the blue zones. I I know
00:46:44
what it is. It's the areas in the world where people live the longest. And they say that and they have a series. Yeah,
00:46:50
they did a Netflix. Is Okinawa a blue zone? It was. What happened? Godzilla. Godzilla. Oh [ __ ] Yeah, it's a green
00:46:57
zone. Focus on life in the Jew zones. Life in the Jew zones. Yeah. Yeah. They don't live long, but they complain about everything. Yeah. But Howie, I want to
00:47:10
say something. Um, don't I think I do? No. I really No, I really don't. I really do. I really do though. I think so. May I? Go ahead. Say what do you
00:47:17
want to say? You know, I I act a certain way when I'm around you, but really I'm like you act a certain way. Yeah. I try to be confident around you like I'm the
00:47:23
guy or whatever but it's like at the end of the day I'm just I've always been a fan of yours like when I we you and
00:47:29
Arseno do you know doing that tour together? Yeah. Yeah. And I just love both of you guys. So it's like you've got you've got the [ __ ] all over your
00:47:35
What is it? She just a lot of [ __ ] You didn't brush your teeth for this [ __ ] thing. I just want to say that
00:47:42
I'm just You didn't even brush your teeth. How big a fan could you be if you got you're just like you don't even you would even take care of yourself. How
00:47:48
Mandelle comes you even floss. So, uh, how what time do you go to bed at night? Are you sending me to bed now? No, no,
00:47:54
I'm not. No, I do want to know. Yeah. What time do you at night? I feel like you don't get good sleep. I don't. Exactly. I don't. Yeah, because I I
00:48:01
don't You think too much. I can't sleep. Yeah. You think too much. I don't know what's going on. I know what it is. You've told me. I'm a mess. You're a mess. And you told me what it is. Mental health mess. You know what? Can I tell
00:48:11
you what it is? Yeah. Yeah. [ __ ] What it is? Is this It's you you keep going. You you can't sit down cuz when you sit down, you start thinking and then you get all [ __ ] up.
00:48:24
[ __ ] up. You keep going and you have to constantly work work work. You need a [ __ ] therapist. I know. And you
00:48:30
didn't make me happy thinking I'm going to live for a long time. This is too It's too tiring. Yeah. Yeah. But you
00:48:35
need help. I do. Do you think or No, Alex, you think? I get help as I sit here. I'm incredibly medicated. Okay.
00:48:42
Yes. What are you on? I'm I'm tell my my But I am on medic. You're on medication?
00:48:48
Yeah. Oh, right. Right. Well, that's healthy. That's good. If you're if you feel good, do you feel at bay? You feel
00:48:53
balanced or you feel held back? I feel numb. Okay. Is that good? No. Is that good? No. You got to feel stuff. Hey, Howie. Would you shut up? Howie? Yes.
00:49:05
Back in the day at the comedy store days cuz you know me him and I store still go to the store a lot. Yeah, I go
00:49:10
sometimes. Do you see me there? I know. But are there guys that like you didn't like that are still around? Oh, yeah. We
00:49:16
like this kind of talk. Who used to be back in the day? Who used with? Nobody was. Let me throw some names out. Okay. Dice. How was Dice? He was nice to me.
00:49:27
He actually and he came on my podcast and talked about how he took some of my material.
00:49:33
He stole from you. He to he he he uh roses are red, violets are blue. Um you are schizophren. I am schizophrenic and so am I. Was mine. Wow. And then and then he did it. But he
00:49:48
says that I love him now. Have you been watching him lately? Who else stole that? Have you been watching him? Yeah. He's great. Yeah. No, but on the on the
00:49:55
on his Instagram where he goes up to people and he says, "Take a picture with me." Yeah. And they don't know who the [ __ ] that's he's hysterical. And now
00:50:01
he's got John Loveitz with him where he he Do you know what the line you just said? You know who else stole that? You know where that's from? Roses are red,
00:50:08
violets are blue. I'm a schizophrenic and so am I. You wrote that. I wrote that. Do you know what you know? You know what movie that's in? Hey, no,
00:50:14
that's in um that's in uh uh You don't know either. That's the beauty of it. No, I do know. This is crazy. My brain just went blank. You know, a lot of [ __ ] of mine got stolen when I was a kid. No, no, it's Richard Drifus and
00:50:27
[ __ ] Bill Murray. It's It's What about Bob? It's in What about Bob? The scene where he is in the mental hospital. He says, "There it is.
00:50:34
Rosarett V. I'm a schizophrenic and so am I." Right there. I called it. I wrote that in 197. But you know something I
00:50:39
remember that [ __ ] clip. Can you sue? No. You know, I tried to make suits originally. One of my Look, they made a
00:50:45
[ __ ] meme out of it. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my god. I remember that so vividly. They stole that from you. No, I didn't. He
00:50:52
did. He heard me do it and then he did it. No, that's to put it in a movie. He came on. He Well, this I don't I didn't
00:50:58
know in the movie. Why did you do that to Bill Burr? I Oh, I'm feel so bad. I feel bad. Told me to go myself. And people want to beat me up for Why would you go to the king and trap him? I want
00:51:11
me to be honest. What are you trying to do, dude? I tried I tried to do something nice. It's I thought I was
00:51:17
doing something nice. Um, don't you think it's nice to bring family together? Yeah, but if you're not honest before it's kind of like the whistle.
00:51:23
It's called a surprise. It's a surprise. It's That was a whistle. Yeah. Yeah, that was a whistle. So, um, what was
00:51:30
that all about, guy? Billy Corgan came on my show and told the story that he'd never told before. I It wasn't even a bit that I planned. Yeah. The plan was I was I Billy Corgan was on going to do my
00:51:42
podcast and I said, you know, here's this will be funny. I'm going to just say that Bill Burr is doing the podcast and will never cop to the fact that you're Billy Corgan and I'll we'll talk.
00:51:53
You'll answer questions as Bill Burr. He goes, "Nah, I don't want to do that, but you know my Bill Burr story." And I said, "No, I don't know your Bill Burr
00:51:59
story." I said, "I never told it before. Can I tell it on your show?" I said, "Go ahead. Tell me your Bill Burr story."
00:52:05
So, he told me that his mother or stepmother told him that there's a famous comedian who has a really good chance of being your brother. Yeah. You heard the story. I'm not going to Yeah.
00:52:16
Yeah. Yeah. But maybe the audience hasn't. Do you want me to tell it again? It's It's Billy Corgan's story. Billy
00:52:22
Corgan said that his father is that was a a slanderer. Yeah. A musician who uh you know had fun. He did meet and greets, right? you know, and he he liked
00:52:35
me. He didn't shake hands. He just put his But didn't But I mean, it doesn't make any sense because Bill Burr and Billy Corgan both knew their dads,
00:52:41
right? I don't know. Individually, did they know their dads? Like, did they know who they know who they think their dad is? Yes. Oh, they never physically saw their dad then? No,
00:52:52
they physically Just because a guy lives in your house with your mother doesn't make him your dad. Very nice. Very good.
00:52:59
I never thought Yeah. Yeah. Let's see somebody steal that. Yeah. Yeah. But is he is Bill mad? Is Bill still
00:53:06
mad? Not Corg and Burr. Yeah, Burr is mad. Burr's never mad. I know. He's not mad. I've never seen Burr mad. I don't think I've ever seen Burr upset. He internal He internalizes it. I think
00:53:17
he's mad. He talked about me on the rich. Are you guys [ __ ] here right now? Is this a comedy? That was irony.
00:53:23
Oh yeah. Oh, sorry. Oh yeah. Oh my my my bad, dude. I'm Dude, I'm off today. I'm off. [ __ ] are you doing? Is he ironic or
00:53:31
what? Ah. Oh, very good. He cut out because he's really not that. Yeah, he's Are you cut out the part where you told us that we didn't react properly? That's so good. You edit that out and then you
00:53:42
just get the No. No. Yeah. The audience at home will get it. Yeah. We have to let them get it. You know, sometimes you
00:53:48
can't. So then Bill Burr was on my show just to promote his upcoming Hulu special. Hulu special. And the fact that he was going to be on Broadway Yeah. and all that. Gay. All right. Go ahead. I
00:54:01
have to say it whenever I hear the word. I'm sorry. That's instinct. I apologize. Hulu. Gay. Yeah. So then what? So
00:54:09
anyway, what I was uh So I said I called up Billy who does work in my space because he said he was going to.
00:54:24
Anyway, I called and I said, "Uh, Billy Corgan works in your space." Yeah. What is he doing there? A podcast.
00:54:31
He's got a [ __ ] podcast. Uhhuh. Jeez. Everyone's got It's called The Magnificent Others. Is it? Is that
00:54:36
That's what it's called. Uhhuh. Is it going well? I don't know. I don't look at numbers. Okay. I'm not here for
00:54:42
numbers. I just No. Since his band was smashing Pumpkins, the podcast should be called Picking Up the Pieces. Yeah, that
00:54:48
was I feel like that would have been more in line with the My favorite album of all time, Gish. The Gish. You
00:54:53
remember Gish? Oh, yeah. The very first one. Smashing Pumpkins. Smashing Pumpkins. Phenomenal. Phenomenal. What city is he from? One, two, three.
00:54:59
Chicago. The best. Yeah. Can you ask him if I I want to do it? Okay. I'm sure he'd love to have you. Yeah. Yeah. I would love to do it. I'm sure he'd love to. You want me to phone him now? I'd be so nervous to meet him. Yeah. He doesn't
00:55:10
want to meet you. I'm a huge fan. Yeah. You know, it's like I phoned I can't believe, you know. Anyway, the point is he was in my building. How did How did they never
00:55:22
cast Billy Corgan in [ __ ] FX is what we do in the shadow. I know. It's like, dude, it's incredible. No hair, no makeup. Yeah. No, but honestly, I'm not kidding when I
00:55:35
say this. You got to let us throw you a 70th birthday party. Let us do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. No, I'm dead serious. I think it's important. It would be
00:55:40
great to celebrate with bad friends. Can we do it, Bob? Can we really I would love to do it. All right. I don't want
00:55:46
to start fight with you, but I have to say it. We get it. You know, John Mayer, let's move on.
00:55:53
Oh, we went to the show this week. Yeah, we get it. But anyway, I know you went to Vegas. I'm not allowed to wear this
00:55:59
shirt and the [ __ ] pants. Hey, look who I'm friends with. You know what's funny about that? [ __ ] disgusting. I
00:56:05
know that. Not back me up. I So gross. I asked you to be on the podcast this week. And you you could have said, "No, I got I got things to do." But you were very specific about telling me I'm going
00:56:16
to Vegas to see the dead. I'm going I think I think I did. I go, "I'm going to Vegas." You go back to the dead. No, you didn't. No, you didn't see John one time. Nope.
00:56:30
You saw him three times. And he lied three. Yeah. Yeah. Three times. Had lunch, meals. No. Yeah. Yeah. No.
00:56:36
Nothing. Did you get him for free? Did you get him for free? Oh, yeah. No, I pay. No. No. Are you out of your [ __ ]
00:56:42
mind? How? I pay. This guy is It's the Celtics in front row with Shaquille and Humphre and all those guys. The Shaquille Humphrey. Have you seen Shaquille Humphre play ball? Amazing.
00:56:54
Guy's got handles, dude. his big hand. You know you're a good seat if you're sitting in Tracy Morgan's puke. Yeah. So
00:57:00
my point is is that he went had a jolly time. I had a great time. Yeah. You know
00:57:05
he's jealous. Who's the big famous most famous person you know? I think everybody I mean it's such a dumb
00:57:12
[ __ ] question. Such a loser [ __ ] dumb question. Take your headphones off and walk outside. Go
00:57:18
smoke. Where you going? He's going to go shorten his life. How come the guy doesn't come? Oh, there he is around the
00:57:24
corner again. Oh no. Come on, sit down. Sit down. I don't want you to pass out. [ __ ] [ __ ]
00:57:31
I don't like your shoes. Can I get you Sketchers? I'm supposed to Oh, you got to plug it. Spread Sketchers. I would
00:57:37
love to know that deal. How much money is Sketchers? Keep that kid. You know how I got the deal? That's got to be so much. You know how I got the deal. Ag
00:57:44
No, you know how I got the deal. Really? I've told I think I've told this story before, but I'm going to tell you, but I don't want to hear it. Okay,
00:57:54
tell the story. Is that rude? Yeah. I'm sorry, Howie. I went to Sketchers because I like I'm not plugging. This is
00:58:00
the absolute truth. I like the slip-ins because I don't like to touch laces. I don't want to touch the [ __ ] shoes.
00:58:05
So, when I'm not doing a show, I go there and I bought the slip-ins. I walk up to the counter. This is in Marina del
00:58:12
Rey. You could check all these. These are facts. I walk up to the counter. The girl at the cash register says, "Are you Howie Mandel?" I said, "Yes." She goes,
00:58:19
"Oh, you're you're obviously an ambassador. You get 30% off." I went, "Obviously." And I I
00:58:28
My wife was standing behind me. She kicked me. She goes, "You don't [ __ ] [ __ ] for 30 bucks or whatever I was
00:58:33
getting off." And but then she goes, "Uh, so she gives me I pay for the shoe. She gives me 30% off." And then she
00:58:40
says, "I can't find your name in the computer." Oh my god. That's what I said. I went, "Oh my god, I don't know
00:58:46
what the [ __ ] is wrong." But they don't know. They give it to you anyway, right? What? She goes, "I'll give it to you anyway. Here's Wait, here's what you got
00:58:52
to do. You got to take the shoes, hold them up. I'm going to take a picture of you and send it to the head office."
00:58:59
Whoa. My wife is kicking me. You [ __ ] idiot. You [ __ ] You're so embarrassing. And then and then they
00:59:04
take a picture of me, they send it. So, wait a minute. Wait. 30% you write a riveting story and I'm finished. Okay.
00:59:12
There's an ending to this riveting story. So, they don't [ __ ] end it. Sorry. I'm sorry. They Okay, so they
00:59:17
take the photo, you edit it out with this, and then what happens? 2 weeks later, I get a call from my agent that
00:59:22
said Sketchers called and I go, they for 30 [ __ ] dollars, they're calling. They found me. They tracked me down and
00:59:29
they said they want me to be an ambassador and they made me do a commercial telling this story that I
00:59:35
told. Wow. See, it's not a great story. I love it. I love it. It feels so good. What? I love you so much. He
00:59:47
interrupted you with the [ __ ] photo and then it [ __ ] up the [ __ ] rhythm of the story. And look, look at his
00:59:52
shirt comedy. Look at his shirt, dude. The jealousy is so gross on you. Who did you go with? Oh, let me guess. Jason
00:59:59
Baitman, Ryan Reynolds. Who knows? Howie, that's where he's in line with. Who did you go with? I went with Army Hammer. You know, I just had him on the Yeah.
01:00:12
[ __ ] I know. I was going to make a [ __ ] joke and you you didn't even let me get it. I'm so sorry. I'm off to a
01:00:18
comic show. I was going to say 30% off. Did Did they owe you money? I mean, [ __ ] dude. Now it doesn't work. Thanks,
01:00:25
man. Yeah, my rhythm's off. I was trying to see Sketchers. Myth. This is not live, guys. You could re-edit this.
01:00:33
[ __ ] it up all the time. No post. My rhythm's off. Was that irony again? Just for my clarity. Thank you. You got it.
01:00:39
So last week I had Army Hammer on and my daughter who I do I have my daughter I like your daughter. She's sweet. She
01:00:46
wouldn't do the show. What the [ __ ] are you doing? She wouldn't do the show. You can't. You can't say she's hot.
01:00:51
Well, you can't say she's old. She's 40. Yeah, she's hot for 40. Alex is handsome. Just Why can I say that? No. You know what, dude? I think what you're doing doesn't sit right. Let me say that
01:01:02
with you. She's hot. She's Why are you Say your daughter again. I'll start it over. My my daughter who I do my Jacine
01:01:09
love it so ugly comedy show there it is I when she talks that doesn't sit right with me see look at that piece of [ __ ] no what do you want then guy say nothing all right say
01:01:24
it again my daughter who I do my podcast with Yeah better go on I don't have it the timing is ruined no no but but your daughter. She wouldn't sit in the room
01:01:38
with army. Yeah, right. Oh, she's one of those. Well, she doesn't want to be bitten. Oh, no. That's what Yeah. bitten. He's Spanish. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If he
01:01:50
wasn't like a speech impediment. Yeah. Is that true that he likes to eat people? Ask Howie. He had him on the show. He said no. Yeah. I don't think I don't know. He
01:02:02
said no. He doesn't. Your honor, he said no. He didn't get charged. I That's That
01:02:07
is true. He's never eaten anybody. Never eaten a person. I think it' take a lot to eat somebody. I also think he has
01:02:13
podcasting chops. I've seen clips. I I like it. Don't say chops cuz he has he has a bad choice of words.
01:02:23
Yeah. Um Wow. Did you give him like Wait, go ahead. Give him like a fork and a [ __ ] knife. Like, thanks for coming
01:02:28
on the show. Sit down. Don't get this away from the guy. Well, he was a nice guy. I would imagine that if people, you
01:02:34
know, some people don't watch a whole podcast. So, if you tune in to that episode halfway through and you don't see my daughter, you're going to assume
01:02:41
he hate her, right? That's Well, we'll show clips without her there with no explanation
01:02:47
and they'll people go, I want him to hear the show and be like, "Why would he talk about me like that?"
01:02:52
That's your AR army head. I've never heard a guy. I don't even know how he sounds. Oh, let me try. How does he sound? My name is Har. Yeah. See, we did
01:02:59
the same kind of thing. Exactly. I was on the movie with Johnny where he plays Indian. Perfect. That's a lone
01:03:06
ranger. Lone ranger, right? Ranger. That's a lone ranger. Choncho. What's this? Choncho. Choncho. Chanto. I'm off.
01:03:12
I'm really off. Choncho. Yeah. I have a sleep and a lone ranger. Choncho is the when they had when the Lone Ranger had a Chinese sidekick. [ __ ] you, man. Making fun of the
01:03:22
Chinese. I don't know what I'm doing. You said Choncho. You're right. I love you so much. I put the ch into for the
01:03:27
Chinese. Hanto is Native American. That's the cologne commercial he does. Is that what that is? That's the Lone
01:03:33
Ranger. Oh, that is that movie. What are you talking about? He does. Doesn't he do a cologne commercial dresses the
01:03:39
exact same? Johnny Deppage. Sovage. Johnny Depp. Look at like that. Look at that. Look at Look at Sovage. So, look,
01:03:47
he looks the exact same. Never seen this. What's the difference? Show me the difference between the two photos. Sage.
01:03:52
Sage. You never seen that? And then Tanto. That's his That's his sketch. Well, you're right. Exactly. You know what? You know what Johnny Deb looks
01:03:58
like? Go back to the TAT one. Argus Hamilton in the 70s. Can you imagine a cocaine joke? How his bedroom? It was a cocaine. Oh, I'm laughing. Yeah. Yeah, I'm laughing. Can
01:04:10
you imagine him walking into his room looking like that and saying to his ex, "You're a man of poo poo."
01:04:16
Yeah. Yeah. You know what that is, right? No. His ex-wife. Look at that photo. What's that Argus Hamilton joke?
01:04:22
He goes, "That photo." I didn't like cocaine. I just like the way it smelled. That was Argus. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. His
01:04:28
ex-wife, Johnny Depp's ex-wife, made a poo poo in the bed. Have you ever done that to a boyfriend's bed? No, but I
01:04:33
sometimes fool myself in the car. [Applause] Do you remember when I You seen my poo? Yourself in the car? Yeah. Yeah. How also did the wrong You know, it's Uber,
01:04:45
not pooper. He seen my poo. He's seen your poo. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Who hasn't? With that accent, it sounds like Imagine that was a sitcom. It's always like a bad line reading. We'd have to get We'd
01:04:58
have to get that over with. Do do another one. I mean, you're Yeah. Yeah. What do you mean? Who had You're like [ __ ] uh Let's do that again. Let's do
01:05:04
that again. So, you know, uh from the room. Yeah, that's right. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He Yeah. It was
01:05:10
that kind of line. How did you see the I will not exactly what it is. That's exactly
01:05:16
what it is. Why? Was Tommy Was Yeah. Was Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, um He seen my poo.
01:05:22
I've seen it. He saw my He saw my poo. Who hasn't there? It's a good read. Much better.
01:05:28
Yeah. Yeah. Who hasn't seen your poo? Yeah. Why did you see his poo? He relapsed in Cancun and he got [ __ ] all
01:05:35
over the walls. Well, talk about missing. Anyway, that's true. That's literally Is that Is that you and Bobby and Cancun? That picture right there? No, that's those
01:05:47
two guys now. Yeah. Is that your poop on the wall and on your face? By the way, did
01:05:53
this movie bomb? Yes, it did. What a bummer. He was the man from Uncle also. Oh, yeah. Also, the Winkle Voss Twins.
01:06:00
The Wlvoss twins. Call me by Call Me By Your Name. Timothy Shalamé. He made that movie, too. Social network. Yeah. Yes.
01:06:07
Such a good movie. I love Timothy Shalamé. What's the kid's name? What's Spider-Man? Whatever. [ __ ] call him.
01:06:12
Andrew Garfield. Tell them. I love Andrew Garfield. That kid's phenomenal, too. What the the [ __ ] does that have to do with anything we're talking about? He
01:06:17
was in He was in Social Network. Yeah. Oh, okay. I named the whole cast. Eduardo. How do you poo in the car? Why
01:06:23
do you poo in the car? I just had diarrhea and I couldn't hold it. Okay. You never [ __ ] your pants, Howie.
01:06:30
There's no Yeah, there's no way. But she's always in the car. Yeah, I'm I'm 70 years old. I've done it many, many
01:06:36
times. I could do it on command. You have a leaky butt now cuz you're old. Good question. Very good question.
01:06:44
Are you serious? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Nope. Okay. It's still tight. Yeah. I got a tight ass. Hey, Jules. [Laughter] These are all It's a game. It's like
01:06:57
being on 60 Minutes. What are you What are you doing? What are you eating? What are you doing there? Donut. What is he doing to it? I
01:07:04
have diabetes. If I don't eat this, my blood sugar. What are you doing to it before you eat it? He chops it up. He chops it up. You chop up a donut. Yeah.
01:07:10
Yeah. Try the other one. Who eats a donut with a fork? I've never seen that. People who are friends with John Mayer,
01:07:20
but I've never seen somebody eat it with a fork. I got to be honest with you. Yeah, it's the only way to eat it. These
01:07:26
people use their hands. I mean, you of all people, you should know. Why touch it? So, Andrew, can you teach me how to
01:07:32
do this? Yeah. So, I did a movie with Billy Armstrong from um Green Day and we're talking, you know, getting makeup together, right? And I'm trying to like get his number, right? But I don't want
01:07:43
to directly, you know what I mean? So I start like angling, you know what I mean? Like Yeah. You know, you know, so
01:07:49
Jawbreaker started when you started, you know, I try to get into like, you know what I mean? But I can never get it to a
01:07:54
place where I can get his number. I can tell you the hands don't help. I mean, I wouldn't give you my [ __ ] Billy, check it out, dude. I love your [ __ ] dude. That's not good.
01:08:07
Don't even Billy. Billy. Billy. No. No. Oh, [ __ ] Looks like you're doing well. If you're going to use your hands, you should have held up fingers. Like hint, if you held up fingers, like if you just if when
01:08:19
you're talking to him, you just go you just keep, "Hey, Billy, I love the stuff you do." Really? And he'll go, "What's
01:08:25
with those numbers?" And you go, "What? Those numbers aren't yours?" And he goes, "No, my number is." And then you
01:08:30
get it. No. Really? Let me try that. That's how I would do it. All right. Hey, Billy.
01:08:37
Man, I love your music. Good. Thank you. Well, no. Here, check it out. If I'm saying something wrong, go stick your
01:08:43
finger up. You got it. Right. Hey, really? No. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Go ahead, Billy. Billy, what's up, man? No. Yeah. What's up? You never say that. I know.
01:08:57
I'm not being hobby. Are you sitting beside him in the makeup? What's up, player? What's the movie? What? What
01:09:02
were you doing, dog? What's up, bro? Oakland. No. Yeah. Yeah. San Diego. But he's from Oakland. But you're not. I know. But I know that he is. So I go, "What's up, Oakland?" No. Huge. All
01:09:14
right. So, you're not Marian. Let's be real. I'll do it real. Okay. Hey, man. Thanks for putting me in your movie,
01:09:20
man. Oh, you're in his movie. Yeah, dude. What movie was it? He wrote a movie when what? Some of these are for How did he call you? But he called you. You don't have He
01:09:32
went to my agent. Oh. And then the agent goes, "Yeah, Billy wants you in the movie." So I said, "Yes." So I show up.
01:09:39
So I'm like, "What's up, Bill? Thanks for putting me in your movie, man. You You're welcome. Okay, cool. Anyway,
01:09:45
I haven't seen you in like 20 years, dude. And you were you and your wife were so nice to me back in the day when we used to hang out.
01:09:51
406 9734. That's how you do it. Yeah, that worked. It worked, didn't it? How did you get John Myers? I'm going to need you guys back on set. So, yeah. Yeah. How'd you get John Myers? His
01:10:02
phone number. Yeah, I know how. Are you good friends with John Mayer? What is that? Yeah. Gay guys. You just
01:10:08
go on You just go on AGT right there. What was that? How was your experience here, Howie? Did you have fun? That's a goodbye, isn't it? What's that?
01:10:18
You have time this week to come do mine? I'm leaving tomorrow morning. [ __ ] liar. Howie? Howie? You're He's never
01:10:25
coming back. Let me be your agent here. He's never coming back. Where you going tomorrow morning? Miami. He is a golf
01:10:32
thing with John Mayer. Yeah, I actually am going with John. John John is gonna fly me out and I'm busy too. Will you come on? No. Do you know why?
01:10:44
You know why I won't come back on the show? No. Because I don't do anybody else's podcast because I already do ours
01:10:51
and mine and that's all I want to He can test. Me too. Me too. No, that's a lie. You do all the You do [ __ ] all the time.
01:10:56
I have I've been slowing down. I look at me today. I was all over the [ __ ] But ask these guys. Ask these guys. That's true. Do I do other shows? Well, you're
01:11:02
starting a new one right now. No, my own. Yeah. Yeah. No, but do I do other people show? But you're not doing you're getting rid of whiskey. Whiskey. I
01:11:08
probably Whiskey. Whisy's going to be around for a little bit, but I have to do the golf show is it's a show. It's a podcast, but it's a web show. So, why
01:11:15
won't you do mine? I'm going to do one too then. And I want to do my Star Trek one. Andrew, you didn't say that. You're
01:11:20
more than welcome. I Dude, honestly, I'd love to fold this podcast. So, why not forever? No, no. This thing is done. I
01:11:25
won't do it then. You can do yours. [ __ ] Do everything you want. But Andrew, the fans I'm sure the fans would like that though. But you won't. So, you won't. But it's two good organizers, you
01:11:36
and Adam. Just two like guys that'll You said I will in July when when I'm back tour. What is that? You I said I said,
01:11:43
"You want to do the tour?" You said, "I will soon." Then I said, "Okay, give me a month or times." And you go, "I will
01:11:51
in July when I'm back from tour." And then I read, "Are you ready for podcast?" Hey brother, I shall in a bit.
01:11:56
We're playing catchup on our two shows, but I will. It's true. I will. And then I come here and say, "So you ready?" You go. I don't do podcasts.
01:12:07
Yeah, sometimes he has to be direct after a lot of color me wrong. I just got a DM. It says I don't do podcast.
01:12:19
So anyway, tell I got to tell you, all kidding aside, I love you. I love you. I think you're really funny. I watch
01:12:26
everything you do. You're also really both of you really good actors. No, no, no. He's better. Who's a better actor?
01:12:32
You got to uh potty train yourself, young lady, and then you'll be somebody I'll uh appreciate. Okay. Okay. No, I'm
01:12:40
serious. You got to stop pooping. It's just sometimes. Yeah, but that there should be no time. Is it weird that
01:12:45
Howie Mendo sitting next to you or No. No. Okay. She's used to it. You're used to it, right? Because my assistant, you
01:12:52
know, my assistant Melanie, I know the first time you called her. Yeah. She called me freaking the [ __ ] out. Yeah. But this girl, what the [ __ ] Howie
01:12:59
Mandel just called me. Do you not remember piece of [ __ ] Do you got remembered? And do you remember when I
01:13:04
came and did your show and she sat right beside me? Yeah. And you said, "Do you know who he is?" And what did she say?
01:13:11
No. No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I spent the next 20 minutes explaining deal or no deal to you. That's right. I remember
01:13:18
that. And at the end of it, she was like, "No deal." Howie, can you look in the camera and
01:13:23
go, "U, thank you for being a bad friend." Thank you for being a bad friend. I knew the whistle was coming.
01:13:36
[Music]