00:00:00
two are bad friends who are these two idiots [Music] or something we're bad friends I mean
00:00:12
they're both you guys are both getting kind of famous well let's start to roll are we rolling by the way I got recognized at the Austin Airport are we
00:00:19
rolling right now but you're getting kind of famous I mean not as famous as us we're like we're like that yeah like in the if we
00:00:27
were the Beatles we would be John me yeah uh Ringo no no no yeah for sure I don't have the doughy eyes why also I die at some point earlier than you on accident that's true
00:00:45
but who's George George oh George Kimmel yeah George is doing so um Carlos is Pete best the drummer that without a doubt without a doubt and Carlos is what and you mean fancy what I mean I mean
00:00:58
fancy you think you're Paul I'm Paul you really think so you're so far from Paul it's insane yeah
00:01:04
yeah you know who you are you're one of the recording Engineers yes you're Phil Spector okay is your Phil Spector a part of it no but we'll say he is he no no who no who's the [ __ ]
00:01:18
like engineer the composer engineer producer guy that's super famous that was a part of the Beatles George Martin
00:01:23
there it is George Martin yeah you're George Martin yeah are you oh is she Yoko your yoga no way no why because
00:01:30
Yoko is like the one who broke up the group no if anything I say you know they that's not the real reason the reason
00:01:36
why you say that is because you don't want to be Asian what yeah who does I know but that's the real reason look at
00:01:42
my eyes is that the truth look into those Asian eyes look at my little Asian eyes is it because if she was what if
00:01:49
Yoko was white or Mexican or black you'd rather be Yoko but because she's Asian be honest with me look at my eyes
00:01:56
yeah she's not racist you're not racist no she loves Asians you do she works with one at the store real quick name me
00:02:03
three Asians that you know go Bobby leaves yeah no not baby you're Asian that's fair that's true okay go go
00:02:09
Stevie weeby yes that's my brother okay and oh you're right that's all I could do
00:02:17
but to be honest with you yeah yeah isn't that the only two she needs to know that is true that's very fair yeah
00:02:23
she's not racist because she wanted to party maybe five Asians name me five Asians don't repeat the question Ali
00:02:29
Wong uh uh Shang Wang um uh you and Stevie weebie very good very good and uh and Jimmy oh Yang very good and uh Steve Byrne who's half does that count or no no it doesn't count
00:02:43
okay and uh Ken Jeong that's totally that's fine and Michelle yo you won okay yeah you beat her she not only is she not racist she wanted to hang real bad with someone who we chatted up with this
00:02:54
weekend we were gonna go to their show but we couldn't because we were performing who was who do we hit who hit us up lil pump Lil pump
00:03:01
Lil pump Super Famous I'm a big fan of big pump oh you're like I love only like I don't like Lil pump Lil pump was
00:03:08
inside oh [ __ ] Lil pump was in Salt Lake City and we were there and legitimately hit us up and was like yo come to my show and I was like we have two shows so
00:03:15
we couldn't have gone and then we tried to go to the after party but instead we went to an after party with the staff at Salt Lake we got drunk and we talked
00:03:21
about periods for two and a half hours and also you guys [ __ ] called me yo so it's [ __ ] party don't call me from a
00:03:29
[ __ ] party no no some [ __ ] club manager's [ __ ] apartment first of all dude it was a server's townhouse
00:03:36
oh my bad yeah my bad yeah no I thought it was just a regular house and it was a very nice townhouse very nice yeah and
00:03:44
and we got you called me and you're like hey so we're here I just wanted to say hi because we and I'm like what's up
00:03:50
this is the conversation literally ring ring I picked it up we're here no you called me twice I did I ignored the
00:03:55
first one you did right I ignored the first one that's right ring ring second time right what's up hey we're here
00:04:01
where managers 10 hours cool bye that was it so rude I just wanted to say hi because I missed you yeah yeah you're drunk you do that when you're drunk was
00:04:13
I drunk honestly don't remember even calling she was wasted juicy was shit-faced we had a full conversation on the car ride home I was like you remember I knew that she's like no you don't remember and she drove
00:04:25
you called me yeah you did yeah I did let me ask you something oh don't skip over that let's talk about that phone
00:04:31
call I that was a really nice phone call I can't call you no I loved it I got a call from Bobby what do you want yo he
00:04:38
goes yeah he goes uh easy are you having a good time I said yeah I'm having a great time Santino's on stage right now
00:04:44
can you hear him and you go yeah yeah I don't want to listen to him I want to talk to you about something and then I thought that was funny but what I said
00:04:50
then you said uh are you you're having a good time I said yeah I'm having the time of my life and you said they go crazy for you when they called your name
00:04:56
yeah they went nuts they went nuts they went insane and you're like I think very fast things are gonna change for you and
00:05:03
and just be ready for a lot of new opportunities and I just want you to know who did it for you
00:05:11
which I haven't said once literally I never said yes you yes you did yes you did that is a blasphemy no no no no no no this is the real you bro cordurable is that a word incorrigible yeah yeah
00:05:22
you're being incorrigible okay but you're learning new work yeah yeah that's a good thing you're being um are new words in video games somehow yeah
00:05:27
yeah yeah and um war zone that's what they said for so I killed you unclosurable that's
00:05:32
incorrigible let me ask you he doesn't know what that means what is that a person that their tendency is not able
00:05:39
to be corrected improved or reformed that's exactly what it is well you are incorrigible never said that be a great name for your special that you'll never put out I thought it was a
00:05:49
great phone call it was really nice she loved it okay and then I said no matter how famous I get you'll always be more
00:05:56
famous than me but you'll always be my baby and then when I say after that you remember what I said after that you said it doesn't always work out that way it doesn't always work out that way yeah
00:06:07
to give you opportunity but I'm purposely gonna hold myself back so I'll never get more famous than you because
00:06:12
that's how much I respect you yeah now let's talk about let me ask you something if you met little pump juicy would you let him do a little pump what
00:06:19
do you mean like help me she's in a loving relationship right now be honest no I'm glad we didn't go to the party
00:06:25
though because because then she would have [ __ ] yeah I would have [ __ ] a little punk no no I'm kidding would you [ __ ] a little pump no but I would
00:06:31
probably like get really [ __ ] up like doing drugs we were gonna definitely get [ __ ] up yeah if we went to there if we
00:06:36
go to little pumps thing we're gonna get [ __ ] out we're gonna go out out I mean I got drunk at the manager's house
00:06:42
let me ask you something would I be able to get into a little pump or no I yeah I can't he did when he DM me he
00:06:48
said um he goes is the noodle with you and I said no and he goes he's saying TG thank God yeah TG no we had a really
00:06:54
good time yeah we ate some really good dinners we had some fun in Salt Lake City sold out shows and juicy
00:07:01
how many how many minutes yeah and you ripped yeah yeah she ripped it was really funny yeah it's a lot easier when the crowd already likes you know I was thinking about it I did I
00:07:15
would say 70 of the crowd knew who she was it's interesting comedy is harder when no one knows who the [ __ ] you are
00:07:20
of course it is yeah I would just remember those days where it's like I had you had to prove it yeah it takes
00:07:25
five ten minutes just to yeah so it's like I kind of missed don't you miss that no trust me no not at all you know well you don't miss like you know I can't wait I'm gonna I'm gonna improve
00:07:37
my work I think no see I think I've told we had this conversation I think there is this weird breaking point where once
00:07:42
they do know you then you really do have to prove yourself again because it's like they paid really good money to see
00:07:47
you do a whole hour versus when they did know you and you get 10 minutes out of time or 15 to try to earn this love and
00:07:53
con and humor and respect then now they pay to see you so their expectation is high they want they you better do well
00:07:59
if you don't do well and they paid all that money to do that thing they're [ __ ] let down you can't let them down
00:08:05
so so to me it's the same as back then it's just now they they're more apt to want you to win but if you don't perform yeah you're [ __ ] I know then they're never coming back to see you again
00:08:15
they're never buying your tickets they check out so it's just as hard as just a different kind of challenge yeah I would
00:08:21
see that on a big scale when I would tour with bigger names you'd see those big names they would still get a little anxious before shows because they're
00:08:27
like well the expectations are through the route have to deliver you have to I hate that's that's the worst part of headlining I love it I know you do the
00:08:34
pressure well the pressure's great you gotta [ __ ] go you gotta do it you have to [ __ ] when I when I would
00:08:39
feature walk in the park oh it's so fun you got no pressure you just get to hit home runs and then go home yeah yeah I
00:08:45
always wanted feature New York was fun New York was so much [ __ ] my favorite part was the seller yeah going to The Cellar was amazing because you and I are back to back right
00:08:57
that was the second time you ever did the seller second time I've ever done that and I didn't do that seller though
00:09:02
I did the original seller well there's two sellers we did the village underground yeah it's like 10 times the
00:09:08
size it's not that big but did you I went into the little Cellar the original one it's so small it's like 50 it's the
00:09:14
size of this [ __ ] room smaller yeah yeah yeah only seen that one the way you go down the stairs yeah yeah so there's
00:09:20
a bigger one that's like maybe three times in size it's around the corner it's around the block it's around the corner yeah and I'm like yeah I'll do
00:09:26
the seller and as I walked in it felt I felt nervous really yeah because it's like I have to I'm from the West Coast what's so representing you didn't say that no that
00:09:38
was inside but you did you did do a little your Bobby black voice to the piano player to the with the two dudes that are up there he did little Bobby black girls what's up dog what's
00:09:49
up dog yeah because I because I'm already for qua I know and I already was hosting yeah and then Bobby got a little
00:09:55
black voice yeah I mean I did that what's up Playa yep player and he cut then he was playing like he was had his hands on the keys and he looked at he was like he did when I was like confused
00:10:06
not sure he liked it he didn't like it well because you did that to the coffee guy we went to get coffee in the morning young black guy young black guy and I
00:10:13
said no no and I said can I get just a regularized coffee says four shots uh four shots over ice play a player and I
00:10:21
was like Bobby I and the guy was laughing and Bobby goes we're connected we're on a level
00:10:26
and I was like no no he doesn't want to hear that he doesn't want to hear that [ __ ] you're an [ __ ] and then you go what am I supposed to say oh can I get
00:10:32
before shots dog and I was like don't say that yeah say none of that just say may I have four shots cough of coffee please yeah but you but then finally he
00:10:39
laughed he goes no no it's okay but here he was crumbling no here's the thing pal right hey what's up hip hoppers what time is basketball down at the schoolyard here's the thing power
00:10:50
are you guys smoking dope that's incredible hey man is that grass are you rolling up a blizzy it's incredible you
00:10:55
sound like an annoying white guy when you talk to black guys you sound like an annoying white guy yes you do you had a
00:11:01
[ __ ] flow earlier what the [ __ ] are you talking about the day before him and
00:11:06
I had a rapport what was it what right it was like AAU he recognized me from Mad right Mad TV right impossible he was like 14 years old okay yeah but that's what he said okay
00:11:17
I'll be lying okay it's on YouTube okay okay maybe YouTube okay right so he goes hey you're not mad I go that's right
00:11:22
that's right which is I always say no that is when you repeat yourself that's Urban yeah I go yeah dog yeah dog that's
00:11:30
right so say I remember say Mad TV you recommends me I recognize you for Mad TV I go that's right that's right oh okay what is that why why wouldn't you just say oh yeah oh yeah yes I am oh yeah oh
00:11:40
yeah no why why twice you don't do twice no Bobby Blackstone twice so man uh what
00:11:47
you're already doing it I'm not okay go ahead normal okay be normal man uh guy man guy I go man guy you like you liked it right he's like yeah I like it
00:12:00
yeah man that was pretty much it that was the flow you went right back into it did you fist bump him no I went he
00:12:08
doesn't know how to do that and I did a shoulder yeah yeah I mean he literally shouldered him right yeah yeah yeah like
00:12:13
a little pump oh I go do you like the little pump yeah anyway what you know the first word in
00:12:20
his new song is jet ski yeah so he's gotta he bring up a photo of him will you he's got a [ __ ] diamond necklace
00:12:26
that says jet ski on it that's why we really wanted we wanted her to meet up with him his dog's name is jet ski and he says in his
00:12:33
album he's got a chain of it just type in yo you jumped in jet ski dude oh chain right there he's lifting up his
00:12:39
chain in the picture of the black the black shirt down one more to the right to the right to the right there it is jet ski right does it say it on there it
00:12:46
says drug addict oh this is drug addict okay but dude dude jet ski chain do jet ski chain but we looked it up we saw apparently that's his dog's name and so uh is that it no no wait we saw the
00:13:00
chain where did you see it who's on his Instagram oh it's on his ground I'm gonna ask a question real quick about little pumps yeah okay so um
00:13:09
I know that he does it other people do it they put the tattoos on the face yeah now I don't know because 20 years ago in
00:13:16
my day right if you put tattoo on your face you're basically saying I'm not gonna ever get a day job
00:13:23
Because he believes so much in his art that he doesn't fly right now my point is is that nowadays because you're more
00:13:28
a part of the younger generation if you let's suppose it stopped working out for a little pump which I don't
00:13:34
think it will I think is a millionaire or whatever but well if it stopped working out would he still be able to like go to like Morgan and Stanley and
00:13:40
get a job with tattoos on his face yes I I'd hire him yeah uh is that still a thing though
00:13:48
I I think it's it's a it's still a thing yeah would you get a tattoo on your on your
00:13:54
face or your neck ah face tattoos are tough because they're so visible yeah like if I want
00:14:00
to act and stuff I got I'm kind of stuck in a part but don't they have makeup that could cover it up yeah but you have to be big to do it yeah well like and
00:14:07
once you like become an Academy Award then just get like a cross or something but like right you want a little cross right here
00:14:13
I want to cross yourself yeah we'll all get one if you get one I'll get one really no like a
00:14:20
tiny cross I can't put one on my face okay how about I don't have that nice of a face no I'm not gonna do that be BF bad
00:14:29
friends okay on the neck okay about below the ear would you get a bad friends below
00:14:34
the ear I'll do behind the ear behind the ear yeah be on the ear and it says to say who's listening to bad friends behind the ear that's too many letters
00:14:41
all right well I'm just yeah yeah just like bad friends I told you before but we've talked to us I'll get a bad
00:14:46
friend's tattoo I can't do it on my neck or my face but I will get one on my body because I've always wanted to do that on my face what about that like I just got
00:14:52
tatted down my face you don't even have that many tattoos I know but if I because the reason was because I don't I want to get higher for [ __ ] I get it and
00:14:59
if comedy doesn't work out I want to work at [ __ ] Chipotle I mean it's working out I know but if it doesn't can
00:15:04
you imagine how bad you'd be at Chipotle you'd be so flustered the boys just nodded off bro you know everything you
00:15:12
guys say really offends me you have no idea how [ __ ] fast I do okay hi I just walked into Chipotle hey
00:15:17
how you doing man hi oh good I'd like a burrito bowl I'd like also uh two burrito wraps and then two tacos
00:15:24
so on the burrito bowl here we go yeah I'm just gonna have chicken rice chicken rice sauce and then with the tacos can I
00:15:32
have chorizo chorizo that's not chorizo that's chicken [ __ ] yeah go ahead okay yeah all right uh so put that off the side next thing no no you're not done with those I want those
00:15:43
do I have to fold it they're tacos I don't decide oh you just broke my [ __ ] tacos do it again I'll just put
00:15:49
all the stuff on the inside how do you see what's Happening Here Comes the manager Bobby what are you doing I put these I broke this one I put the insides
00:15:55
on are you yelling at me that's I'm the Chipotle manager I put the insights that they broke the same ingredients I'm
00:16:02
putting because the teal bro clean the toilets you're on bathroom Duty again okay I can still go to employee I guess
00:16:08
pretty good yeah yeah but you're gonna be just as good as you you what read what you read just as good as me I would work just as good as you at Chipotle
00:16:20
but you read on paper as good as it on paper you would read just as good as me but at Chipotle what you'd be on the
00:16:28
line and I'd be managing I'd be owning it you really think so yeah no dude bro I'm
00:16:36
telling you right now dude if but people don't realize this okay I wanna [ __ ] you
00:16:42
guys man [ __ ] you guys what you guys don't realize this is that you think that I've
00:16:47
never had grueling day jobs I did a lot yeah we know and I showed up on time yeah and I never got fired and they went
00:16:55
that kid's average he's average you're a c yeah he's not like he's not gonna get promoted but
00:17:02
we'll never fire him he's fine you're fine right but I'm not like blatantly bad no I know that yeah yeah so it's
00:17:09
like you know if I had to survive after this I would be able to get a job at Chipotle
00:17:14
I think you would I think you'd be fine but I don't think you'd get a job at Chipotle what do you think I would wear I think you'd work at the Korean spa yeah you
00:17:21
know the place inside now yeah I'll probably work there I mean you you could be a general manager of a Korean spot easily yeah and you know what how much
00:17:27
business would you bring in so much a [ __ ] load they put your face on the side of a build I'd do a side business oh you
00:17:33
would you little [ __ ] yeah what are you doing tights tits tight tights type P okay expand you
00:17:42
know I don't want to get too graphic no go ahead does this show we're being safe now no I just that's that's the business
00:17:50
I don't know what you're talking tight pee tight [ __ ] that's your what your job would be oh no no no he wants to be no I would be like a side
00:18:02
you know he wants to be a pimp oh yeah I'd be a side piece a type pimp yeah yeah type pimp you're a pimp yeah but I
00:18:09
would clean where would you get your girls from all over the place I feel like you'll be not a good pimp though yeah how could you be a pimp what do you mean I don't think you have pimp qualities
00:18:19
yeah you're not gonna physically smack around women or anything if they get yo man whoa there we go okay yo man is that
00:18:26
pimp Bobby well I have to do an accent okay yo man we're going now Hey listen man I just came in here
00:18:31
you don't come inside okay boom boom in your face brother how much ten dollar oh my God I'll be in there for three days yeah but then you go in
00:18:44
it's my mom oh I'll be in there for five days not my mom not my mom yeah but but you
00:18:50
know what I mean so you'll be on how much you want what kind you want I have different varieties what kind you want a
00:18:55
dwarf oh a dwarf you have you have little people whoa can I have both and stack them up
00:19:01
but you know they're not really do I put this small enough if I snack the dwarf I can have sex with one and kiss the other
00:19:06
one like that's one person yeah perfect yeah yeah you could put to stack them up you know me like a Jenga all right don't
00:19:11
knock the bottle [Laughter] thank you yeah but one of our dick so yeah but the one with the dick you on top yeah the one with the bougie yeah the bougie yeah downstairs down right so
00:19:28
you know I mean I can [ __ ] suck at the same time what do you think bro I'm in dude say no
00:19:35
more dude sign me up yeah so you're the best pimp I've ever had to leave it yeah I believe it yeah yeah but what if the dwarf uh prostitutes don't give you the
00:19:42
money that's my system's different unlike every other system jet ski I mean juicy I don't know the system is it you think I'm gonna go go in hey damn
00:19:54
okay you say pay up front to you yeah that's how it all works but what are you paying no it's not no because you'd have
00:19:59
to be there 24 7 while your [ __ ] are [ __ ] I'll have a cash register for tax purposes and who's running it me you think she's not gonna kick back
00:20:10
down to the prostitutes and have an inside game of her own you've got an inside job you don't think she's got a second I'll give you juice I'll give you
00:20:16
25 of my um my business you be the prostitute you could be the prostitute cashier you want you be the Madame cashier Madame cashier right yeah and then I'll give you 25 just don't steal
00:20:27
from me but I could I could do like a side hustle well you I'm that's already a side hustle yeah but you started you want to do two side hustles yeah like two sides all right so what's your side hustle like uh you know you go in with
00:20:39
the dwarfs yeah I say I see your car out there you give me an extra hundred I'll uh fill it up while you're in there oh
00:20:46
you guess it's a gas station too well it's also a car wash do we might as well do a car
00:20:52
wash yeah yeah yeah and now a word from our sponsor better help better help it could be tough to
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and we thank Bluetooth for sponsoring the podcast no no but like so imagine the cashier
00:23:20
cash register right and then we have like a cabinet not a cabinet like a display is it that's made out of glass
00:23:25
you can see through it right and we have things that don't belong okay why are they there yeah just because it's funny
00:23:32
okay right yeah no not bad friends merch no no no no no why can't we sell bad friends yeah we'll do the one with the
00:23:39
dog the the live one the family one we'll sell one of those right okay but then we do obviously the [ __ ] silver
00:23:45
balls oh yeah the relaxation balls right I like the one that's that's you squeeze too uh stress ball the stress ball we'll
00:23:52
have both Styles love it right yeah just in because there's a waiting room this makes sense this isn't it right yeah and
00:23:57
then the second thing we would have is probably like um framed posters of some sports figure someone
00:24:05
someone that's deer near and dear to your heart like no no one I don't know okay you're like how about that guy yeah I know which one huh the guy that was
00:24:12
the center forward of the Arizona Suns Chambers funniest statement I've ever heard in my entire life why forward
00:24:19
center of the Arizona Suns is his name is Chambers that worked for the Arizona because you know how I know I used to play this NBA game let him get there on his own yeah yeah chamber not chamber
00:24:31
talk about Dan Marley No he was a center that's not his last name okay the guy was a center from the 80s or something
00:24:37
okay in all 70s and also you said it's the Phoenix Suns yeah Arizona Suns okay Arizona Suns yeah yeah Dan Marley's who
00:24:45
you're talking about that was in that was an NBA Jam I think Dan Marley was in NBA Jam that wasn't him who else who hit like a blonde throw or something
00:24:55
[Laughter] oh yeah yeah okay we'll do Dan Marshall right and we'll have that photo framed sick that's BLM by the way right that's
00:25:08
what he was doing yeah he's doing BLM right it's way before and we'll have it signed and what will it say
00:25:13
um we'll have caratops on it it'd be weird right I mentioned you've never had a [ __ ] damn visual photo
00:25:19
yeah right with Kara top signing it no yes it's never been done all right I'm in all right you're in for that and what
00:25:25
else do we sell there food we need some food what are we what kind cucumber just a bunch of cucumbers
00:25:31
and cucumber yeah cucumber I guess that's cool yeah yeah but it's shaved it's all shaved like the skin is shaved
00:25:37
we that's on the sign yeah appreciated yeah come on not pickle yeah take a bite and maybe do we have dipping do we have to dip it in we it's like one of those like Frozen
00:25:48
uh bananas so check it out a frozen cucumber dipped in chocolate because they think it's going to be delicious and they get in there and it's nothing it could be good chocolate water they'll come up and be like I'm here for
00:26:03
the cucumber and I'm like you want the food or the service yeah you gotta pick before you go in the room what else we
00:26:09
sell there how funny to just get in a room with a prostitute and just eat a chocolate cucumber but not touch her at all and then just finish and then walk
00:26:16
out that's right that's hot that's and you know what we also do inside there's two options the first option right is to
00:26:24
make love which is the standard option boring the second option is we set up one of those you know those malls that have like the cowboy western photo oh a photo shoot a photo shoot oh yeah thing
00:26:36
right where you can like dress up yeah we'll do a fairy one oh I love fairy right we'll do a cowboy one not the
00:26:43
native because that you can get canceled yeah yeah we want to play it safely yeah we'll play it safe you can't you can't do it you can yeah
00:26:50
what if just the prostitutes do it sorry if they're native if they're native yeah if the sex workers do it if
00:26:57
they're native yeah but what if they're ambiguous Brown and we don't really know well then we can defend ourselves okay perfect yeah we can defend her because
00:27:03
we didn't know yeah yeah what what's so funny you can't cut that you can't cut that part that's legal let me tell you
00:27:08
since you came back from Espana the amount of times that you do this he does this to me or when we joke about he goes
00:27:14
like this yeah I don't know what this is about what's a change thing what happened in Spain I walked I became woke you woke in
00:27:22
Spain you walked in Spain what woke you up in Spain whoa I was just showing bad friends to some people and say oh wow
00:27:28
this is not cool at all really really let's talk about some of the non-woke political principles that happen in
00:27:34
Spain is gay marriage legal yeah in Spain yeah we're talking about but let me tell you something yeah but you know
00:27:40
they hate it do you know what I mean it is but they can't stand it like when they do a wedding no one shows up right with the stigma voluntary abortion is
00:27:47
louder for the 14th week of pregnancy yeah 14th week what is it here in the states how many how many weeks is that here depending on the state Texas
00:27:53
nothing well you know what I mean California what is it in California I think whenever yeah that's what they
00:27:59
say whatever that is it that is that's cool I guess Spain is better than I thought Japan's
00:28:06
pretty cool hey Bobby are these new or did you always paint your fingernails oh look at that 24 and 26 we doubled Spanish yeah yeah I know no he always paints his fingernails I never know I
00:28:17
sometimes do out of boredom I think it originally started to cover up dead nails and then now
00:28:23
now it's just so [ __ ] funny because you know me so well I [ __ ] hate you I hate the fact that you know specific things that in my past right and now it's just a habit yeah yeah you're right
00:28:37
but don't say that [ __ ] out loud bro I just did I know but it's like you know I mean sometimes things are reserved for
00:28:42
you and I we have private things time out what these fans your fans our fans yeah have known about stuff like that for 20 years people know you collect dead skin on a
00:28:54
[ __ ] Elmer's Glue ball in your old bathroom you tell you told everybody that what's so funny you don't like it
00:28:59
he did it that's a long time ago 20 years ago what do you mean it was up until a couple years ago you had it when
00:29:05
you had it I had it but I didn't 20 years ago but you still had it why you can't throw away that that I'm not
00:29:12
arguing that yeah I mean that's [ __ ] but you work but it's gone now yeah you weren't allowed to take it to
00:29:17
the new house no that's not nice you're gonna put it in one of those baseball cases where they put a baseball a little
00:29:22
plexiglasses yeah that's gone it's okay you can start a new one yeah but I couldn't have
00:29:29
to see what's inside yeah not good all right I'll just let you know I know look at me
00:29:36
right now don't do it not I don't want to hear it good I'm thinking about it and I'm gonna get sick because what happens is this right it rots
00:29:43
[Laughter] this is science don't do it can we talk about science I know but I just I know right you would think that the center
00:29:55
right would be dry not no the opposite [Laughter] and The Taste ah no yeah it's like
00:30:11
caviar it is it's delicious okay yeah yeah no we had we for what it's worth I will say let me move on to anything else
00:30:17
yeah yeah we had one of the best times in New York Bobby said he felt so alive and he wanted to move there you want to
00:30:23
buy a place there it felt like for the first time I'm like oh I could live here yeah it was just the vibe it was the um
00:30:30
because before when I would go to comedy clubs I couldn't get in all right like you would have to explain
00:30:36
to the guy like oh no I was on Mad TV and I did The Tonight Show and I'm like I'm a regular I mean you would that explained they're like oh really and
00:30:42
then they would have to call some it hurts your feelings when that happened totally right but now it's like you show up and like you get in
00:30:48
they come up to you want to go I mean there's like that respect and it feels good it was really nice yeah yeah
00:30:53
because they came up to us at when we just went back to have after we did our show they were like you guys want to pop up again and you're like
00:30:59
I feel so good if I wanted to but we couldn't we were eating we were chilling it was like that was a magical night
00:31:04
eating there yeah it was so nice just the hummus and talking and being around comics was so fun I just missed that we
00:31:10
don't have that in La anymore we don't sit around we don't go to swingers like we used to anymore we don't go out to restaurants with groups of comics
00:31:15
anymore no one sits and commiserates like they do there in that place man it's just got a hum to it and it's it's
00:31:22
funny because Rob has food but why don't Comics eat there we used to but they changed that [ __ ] room so
00:31:29
much five different times people just stopped going remember they used to be the corner Circle table man back when it
00:31:34
was lifted up in the main room that that area when you walk in the door to the right used to be a platformed area and it was railed off yeah and there was a
00:31:40
cool table in the corner yeah yeah yeah yeah just got rid of all that [ __ ] so then now it feels like a [ __ ] Texas Roadhouse now when you walk in there
00:31:46
who's there I can tell you every time I walk in there oh there's no one in that dining area except for orney Adams
00:31:53
and he's crossed his legs are crossed and he always is like this like there's a go something going on
00:32:00
he's still thinking about comedian I like them yeah no I do too yeah I do too he's there already he's there he's
00:32:07
writing and working no people just don't go there anymore it's just it's I mean they go to the club they just don't go hang out and eat but we should we should
00:32:13
take you at some point I would love to go with you guys I think I think it was like that because you're on vacation like if you lived there would you be
00:32:19
doing going out that much not as much but at least you still you still have the opportunity to call a couple people
00:32:24
and go get something to eat or drink down there yeah but yeah you're right you're right and then you have
00:32:29
connections there now to people like I don't feel as alone you know it's just a great town you know Great's [ __ ]
00:32:36
amazing and there's a part of me that's so I don't know why I feel this way that there's a because I was so there's so
00:32:43
many great Comics that come from there right so you kind of go well am I [ __ ] translate but yeah it does dog what's up
00:32:50
sure did what's up you did great dude you did too we went both great and I'll say this Graham Mercy
00:32:56
do you want to talk about what happened on the second show at the very end I feel bad about it why
00:33:02
but he got a big laugh it was just it was a joke oh I heard the story this girl goes um
00:33:08
she asked a question right and she goes um I want you guys to guess who I would go out with between you and Andrew who would I rather have sex with that's what she said she said Bobby I want you to
00:33:19
tell me who I'd rather have sex with and from by that question I knew it was you
00:33:24
so I go me and she goes but I want you to know I wanted to ask you why yeah and I go I know why she goes no I no I know why she goes why because you're ugly
00:33:35
and it destroyed it does the crowd lost their [ __ ] and her face she went like this she went like she it was like yeah she couldn't even get a word she was so [ __ ] up and
00:33:47
then of course right away he was like I'm kidding I'm [ __ ] kidding I'm kidding I'm kidding I said [ __ ] you right now and then she I [ __ ] you right now and she goes oh yeah like this and
00:33:53
he runs over to her and they start making out it was so funny so fun it was so good and the crowd lost it it was amazing yeah yeah I stood there and awe and you really went in because I felt so
00:34:05
bad you held her head I held her head yeah I always hold the head but it was beautiful I love to hold the head will
00:34:11
you [ __ ] grabbed the background and then when you were done making out she did kind of that thing that women uh
00:34:16
used to do in the uh 50s and 60s when they were so sexually repressed that they felt that they would pass out when they would see someone famous you know
00:34:23
that she literally when she were done she went like this no that's not what I saw what did she do I thought she'd made
00:34:28
the face like she had sushi for the first time she went like this she went so that's what salmon tastes like yeah yeah you know you're trying to like make the people around you know that you like
00:34:40
it it's like weird you know what I mean so this is imitation crab yeah that was really good that was a
00:34:46
face yeah that's really funny that you say that that's literally how the first time I went to sushi with my friend yeah I was nauseated I mean dude when I first
00:34:53
had it I did that like and you have to like hold it in because I I've never I'd never had raw fish in my life yeah or as
00:35:01
a kid in the midwest we always had cooked fish out of lakes I'd never once ate a piece of raw fish and it shocked
00:35:06
me to have it and then few other things I started to like and then over time I started to get into it
00:35:11
I think of what food that was like a little startling to eat um oh I know the eyeball of a fish
00:35:19
why are you oh that was startling yeah no because Koreans they go old school Koreans they go straight for the eyeballs really yeah as soon as the fish is it a deli yeah like they're gone it's
00:35:32
like Grandma's eyeballs yeah I mean so is it good until the eyeballs go to the elders they just go like I would go for the body like when a fish is down I go for the
00:35:45
body first but not old Asians look at that fish eye but I'm saying is it out of respect that you let the Elder people
00:35:51
get the eyes first I don't know no there's no rule I just make it up and lie and just say yes oh yeah it's in the
00:35:57
folklore all right no but um and then I just one day I want my mom can I try it and I chewed on it and it was like one of those gums with a like a juice and like I'm the flavor oh
00:36:09
like a gusher yeah gusher where you bit into it and the juice squirts in your mouth that juice no no no no no no no no
00:36:15
no no juice yeah I don't like the juice yeah yeah but that's have you had fish eye no yeah
00:36:21
I don't want to either would you never eat a fisheye I don't know if it would like make you really happy but I don't
00:36:27
want to do it yeah what I mean what part of the animal would you not eat the eye I just said I know but brain
00:36:34
I I just like like I like the stuff I already eat you know did you ever see cake I don't want to try all the weird stuff she's already Faces of Death oh yeah dude it's awful the monkey thing
00:36:47
it's yeah it's almost as bad as the clip that Stefano showed us on his show I don't know what you're talking about
00:36:52
faces of death was an old like VHS tapes and stuff like that with it yeah it looks scary yeah so they had this monkey
00:36:58
alive I remember watching it in high school faced it was like little video video footage of of people and things
00:37:03
dying like it was and it but it was like a cult film it's like snuff it's like it
00:37:08
was a film back in the day you would people would pass around like VHS films tapes yeah but they were like they would copy them so they were always so grainy and weird and there's always something
00:37:19
dirty and wrong you weren't supposed to have your hands on it yeah yeah you know some girl tied to a bamboo tree
00:37:25
okay I remember that yeah yeah right and then you see a machete and then goes to blank yeah yeah but that's when you come but
00:37:37
no but back in the day there was porn was like that too yeah yeah it wasn't just passed around passed around right
00:37:43
and so basically if the Faces of Death was one of those things in the 80s where they would go I mean and when my parents
00:37:49
would say I put it in and they had this one thing and I literally didn't finish the movie because of this one scene
00:37:55
there's a restaurant in Morocco I don't know where it is right I think it's Morocco really somewhere it's a place
00:38:00
like that and they have this monkey you know and they dressed them I think and from the photo yeah they put clothes on
00:38:05
they put clothes on them okay which is [ __ ] well yeah I mean you're lying to them they say it's your birthday party happy birthday
00:38:16
yeah they killed her they put him in this table that was made specifically for monkeys it's disgusting and they and there's a lot of contraption and it not
00:38:27
and then they cut his brain open and they eat the brain and it's real oh yeah oh yeah
00:38:34
all right I gotta see this movie it's [ __ ] terrible yeah that sounds awful that kind of stuff I just don't
00:38:40
like what does Stefano did that was awful is wrong I agree what did he do well that was wrong he's a friend who's a police officer and he showed us on his show a clip the cop had you know his
00:38:51
body cam on and they had to go to the scene of a crime of a guy it's not a crime sorry an accident where a guy who was a bike messenger or something he had
00:38:58
slipped off the bike and a 18-wheel semi truck ran over his head and his body was
00:39:03
there and his head was gone it was and you see all of it it's and the cop was like in defense I think he had a gun but no the cop was walking up to the body because they were trying to call
00:39:14
they were trying to curtain off the scene you know so people couldn't see it but three times I looked at Stefano and I said I don't want to see it yeah I do
00:39:21
not want to see it it causes me trauma it's a little bit of my fault because I didn't I did say you have to see it yeah and I when you saw it you regretted
00:39:28
seeing it 100 I could see your face yeah it made me nervous like I couldn't believe I watched I saw it I didn't want to see it yeah
00:39:34
there's something inside of us that's like I do want to see it no you don't I never watched two girls one cup let's
00:39:39
watch it right now no I don't want to please no please let's watch it no that's one thing I say I don't want to watch like this but for this show you
00:39:45
for entertainment purposes my example was no don't do it no you have to show it just show it to her see if she yeah no no she doesn't want to watch it I don't want to watch it that to me is my
00:39:56
guy there's no one dying yeah but it's her that's her line that's her line I feel like the girls die inside
00:40:03
there's a part of them to die you're right from whatever it has to right I don't know dude some people are shiza
00:40:09
videos are huge in the world but say [ __ ] videos people love eating [ __ ] getting [ __ ] on well that's okay I'm not
00:40:16
judging well then that's what two girls one cup is but I don't have to enjoy it no no I understand yes you don't but I'm
00:40:22
saying they don't I think they do like it because they they're oh I see there's plenty of people that are into poop cork
00:40:28
yeah but does that fetish don't [ __ ] sex shame don't fetish don't don't sex shame but does that fetus have happen
00:40:34
over time or are you jaded to regular how do you introduce that to your partner yeah but I want to say how does
00:40:40
that even occur is that something that you as a young person I like [ __ ] or is it because you [ __ ] a
00:40:46
lot you're like I need to take this to the next level it could be both I think sometimes you know babies have poop all over the place all the time anybody who
00:40:52
has a friends has a baby they're like dude that's so much poop it's insane yeah everywhere and maybe a baby gets a little poop on their under pee pee and
00:40:59
they love it and they're playing with it and then it just transfers over to adulthood that one day they're having sex what would you do if you saw your baby eat poo and sister I go he's
00:41:06
sexually advanced like a look at how advanced my baby is he's got BDSM Gary's tied up yeah yeah that's my boy that's my boy
00:41:22
that was the original Adam Sandler that's my boy's name yeah yeah baby poop style I I think also I don't I'm
00:41:27
confused over how you bring that up because you have to reach a certain age and maturity level with your partner to talk about what you really want them to
00:41:33
do you know like you know when you start dating girls when you're younger you don't kind of know how to say like what you like and then you get older and
00:41:39
you're like [ __ ] it I'll tell you everything that I like what's the day what's the day that you go I'm gonna
00:41:45
tell her to poop on me I gotta tell her to poop on me do you do it you went out for Thai food the night before you have
00:41:51
to do it subtly how do you subtly see a fart what you over the year you have to ease into it so you fart on them yeah like so I imagine right a woman
00:42:04
is on her back right and and you're making her blow it like this wait wait wait she's on her back but you're on do you ever do that style no yeah so she's
00:42:15
on her back on the bed imagine she doesn't look on her floorboard right the floorboard not the floor but the backboard of the of the bed okay how's
00:42:22
she on her back she's on her knees there how are you on the headboard and your back is behind you bud she's lying right
00:42:27
here and the Dick's here okay my arms up here okay what well her butt's into the
00:42:33
bed and you're slow down I'll explain go do it come here Carlos Carlos get down there let's see it
00:42:39
all right I gotta know how this I'm picturing get on your back so he's the girl Carlos is the girl yeah
00:42:47
okay I see it and I'm like this yeah okay and I'm [ __ ] her mouth like this got it right yeah and then
00:42:53
sure but you're farting okay you farting away You're butthole in this position can you get my butthole in this position and now make it so you flip around
00:43:11
okay so first you fart away then you fart face at them this happens okay but don't do that one night like do a double fart okay but when you fart do you apologize the first time yeah she's
00:43:23
like oh oops I'm sorry I'm sorry that you know I'm so embarrassed Chipotle and if they say it's okay yeah yeah oh that's the first exactly that's the first that's the first they go oh and
00:43:33
the it stops the right you gotta get a new girl you know like an F1 they have the colored lights
00:43:40
that's what it is when you fart done yeah yeah first one and the second one is you flip around and then you fart in
00:43:47
their face and you go oh I'm so sorry it's okay it's okay and then right and then you go there's no there's way more
00:43:52
I'm gonna [ __ ] there's 10 of them oh there's so many lights reverse fart to [ __ ] [ __ ] see I think it might no because what if you fart on them and they go
00:44:03
breathe it in that's a green light that's good right or you eat um really bad like food yeah
00:44:14
you do the reverse and the fart has moisture and it gets on their face right and then
00:44:20
if they don't if they take a napkin or I mean a tissue and wipe it that's not good let's go back to you like they have a face full of pudding yeah yeah you know what's great about
00:44:32
this yeah someone's driving to work right now listen someone's on their way to their regular job and they're listening to us talk
00:44:38
about fart face stuff and they're like that's how I do [Laughter] let me get a pet in the Tesla yeah and that takes about probably six months to a year so that's the amount of time yeah
00:44:49
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hundred and thirty dollars off but do you think there's a girl that just goes you're having Christian sex
00:46:49
and then just one day just go can I [ __ ] on you or can you [ __ ] on me I bet you yeah yeah I think I've heard of that 100
00:46:55
and then doesn't that go I mean it just seems like I mean that's a big question yeah but at
00:47:01
some point you probably run out of you're like I can't do this anymore I gotta tell you I gotta tell you how I
00:47:07
feel about this stuff otherwise I'm gonna keep hiding it from you that I watch poop videos at night yeah I think I'm just a missionary
00:47:12
cowgirl kind of guy you're are you a cowgirl yeah you are a cute little cowgirl aren't you yeah or reverse
00:47:19
cowgirl I mean those are the like the moves that's the top yeah I don't go beyond it why
00:47:25
because I just kissing and make have sticking my penis in the vagina is good enough do you love kissing while you
00:47:31
have sex yeah you don't like that no no I do I'm just saying it depends on the kind of sex I'm having well there's two
00:47:36
different kinds there's many different kinds buddy tell me the times times I'm sweating now but when two people love
00:47:42
each other very much Only Daddy don't do that because don't I'm gonna get hard if you do that that tell me don't say that
00:47:48
again oh papa tell me about love no there's [ __ ] there's making love there's having sex there's experimenting don't do it you know this turns me on
00:48:02
sometimes when you kiss yeah you're you're making love yeah I don't think I ever kissed when we're [ __ ]
00:48:08
it's hard to kiss if you're [ __ ] yeah because it's a it's like it's just in a pat it's like a hot you know like I just
00:48:16
came home I haven't seen you in a while it's [ __ ] it's hot you know some people don't [ __ ] though yeah what
00:48:21
sometimes wanna [ __ ] yeah what happens I'll grab the [ __ ] you know hair grab her hair yeah her mouth opens
00:48:27
uh-huh and like a [ __ ] you know like smog oh yeah the dragon from The Hobbit I'll stick it in in the mouth like that right and then I'll do a fire spit
00:48:42
whoa fire spit is this show family friendly I don't know sometimes I think about
00:48:48
rating is it either it's you gotta be I'm sweating I don't know why it's hot in here yeah but you started sweating
00:48:53
when I called you Daddy well I started getting a little Pokemon yeah yeah you call me daddy I love I love it too I
00:48:58
think it's one of those things oh dude you know what I just saw today by the way yeah you know they're doing clerks three
00:49:04
they're doing clerks 3 and it's filled with famous and I mean because I just saw someone in the Cameo that we know
00:49:09
someone that we're friends with did it and I was like I didn't even did you hear that this was a thing I had no
00:49:15
[ __ ] ID look at the names that are in this thing though yeah do Cameo oh yeah see there's some
00:49:20
that wasn't all them the trailer was or whatever I saw was insane how many people were in this [ __ ] thing I
00:49:25
don't think he likes me Kevin Smith I've had conversations with him zoom in look Ben Affleck Sarah Michelle of course
00:49:32
that's the clan no I'm just saying but they're all doing it so do you want to be in that wow do I want to be in it
00:49:38
yeah I I don't know what business I would have in that movie I mean you know what I mean like I just it's kind of like I would I don't know what would
00:49:43
they use me for I don't know them but it's not still it's crazy that I didn't even I didn't even know it was a
00:49:49
real thing did you ever see the original clerks yeah yeah it's a great [ __ ] movie what movies have you seen all of
00:49:55
the movies she's seen pretty much all the movies Kevin Smith every Wes Anderson movie yeah Dogma was my
00:50:01
favorite of his whoa oh yeah you know what it's so funny you've been around yeah but my stepmom had it on VHS
00:50:08
so so oh wow yeah I'd watch it over and over and over again did you like Chasing Amy yeah I like Chasing Amy that Dogma
00:50:14
was like the best Chasing Amy might be my favorite oh yeah I like that one I don't know why I just love it so much it's just such like a great I don't know
00:50:20
I just something about it let me just last night I tried to watch Beast what's that yeah the Idris Elba yeah yeah yeah have
00:50:28
you guys seen it yeah you saw it yeah the whole movie yeah let me ask you something it's beats not beast beast
00:50:33
it's called beads beets anal anal anal beads oh Beast that's what it says same anal beasts yeah okay so I so I'm not
00:50:43
there's no spoiler here sure because I'm gonna talk about the first three minutes of the movie and I stopped
00:50:50
because at this point like I see poachers right killing I guess that guy's Pride
00:50:56
right kill and then he kills the poachers and stuff yeah that makes sense and at the end after the end of that three minutes I'm like I don't need to watch this I already know whose side I'm on the [ __ ] Idris Elba no the lion
00:51:09
the Lion's side you're not on Idris elba's side no whoa because he's not in the beginning
00:51:17
of the movie these others oh so you're saying that's interesting given what's going on in the world right oh you because of BLM what is I mean I didn't even say that
00:51:27
what are you what are you saying wait that's what I thought you were saying thank you so much my friend whoa whoa
00:51:32
what are you saying I'm on the because if it was like in Jaws just hear me out in Jaws right it's we don't know the
00:51:43
Joss's backstory we just think that he is this creature out of control huge that's all true and munching on people
00:51:49
that's right we don't know his motivation oh my God his motivation is to eat yeah right but in this movie the
00:51:56
first three minutes are like oh I understand this Lion's motivation and I hate the fact that his family was
00:52:01
slaughtered by humans and so if this [ __ ] lion eats all the humans in the movie I'm gonna be on the lines has
00:52:07
nothing to do with color if it was Hugh Jackman there I would have said the same thing Charlie on fat
00:52:13
lie inside I don't know what the [ __ ] you're trying to do right now I'm not I'm letting you do it on your own yeah you heard it here first well you're on
00:52:20
Edward's side Bobby hates Idris Elba that's not what I said just because he's black is the movie get better after that
00:52:27
yes okay I'll watch it and do you eventually get on Idris elba's side never wow sounds like another racist Spanish guy to me no because you know you see those videos I'll tell you right now I
00:52:39
need your Society I haven't even seen it on his side whatever he did whatever he did whatever he does why just because I love him he's a handsome beautiful guy
00:52:45
who's cool and great yeah as an actor you [ __ ] [ __ ] right no in real life yeah in reality real life he's an actor
00:52:52
I love him as a [ __ ] actor right and in the story whatever the story is whatever he did he could have been oh okay so the opening scene he could have
00:52:58
had a lion's throat and just ah and I'd have been like on his side okay what if he was eating babies on his side human
00:53:04
babies what if he's hungry what is he doing he's out there in the wild he's hunting down Lions it takes forever you get starving you got a couple babies in
00:53:10
the truck eat them up yeah yeah what if the babies were black are they his babies yeah I don't know they're just they're
00:53:16
black they're black babies we don't know so he's eating black babies yeah yeah white babies oh come on yeah I
00:53:24
like babies yeah I'm okay with eating white babies yeah if he's eating black babies uh
00:53:29
that's a tough one that's a really tough one how about if it's idia means babies totally in yeah good yeah totally fine
00:53:35
with it good I want to watch it then I should watch the Beast yeah I try to watch more in Tyson last night my the Mike show is it good
00:53:41
yeah it's interesting I told you about that before but I but but then they get into the um then they get into the naughty stuff that Mikey did and then
00:53:47
you're like it's a little tough to watch anything man what okay I saw the Dark Side of comedy and guess who makes appearances in it Bobby Lee Bobby Lee but do you know why and you're
00:54:00
getting it you know why no well because you're a comedian no that's not why that's not why the reason why is because
00:54:09
when they were doing the series right they were going to do one on Roseanne Dice and they got they called me and they go we're doing one about you the
00:54:16
Judd do the Judd did this right no no Judd didn't do it wait we're doing what about you whether you're involved or not
00:54:22
we're doing it no yeah how though with me how because the the TV episodes are all about these big Comics who lost their careers I'm not wrong I'm not poking fun that's
00:54:35
what they're about and your career is not lost so why would they make one about you maybe they were they were
00:54:40
maybe they had a good save but basically what you were saying maybe they're foreshadowing maybe they're like we got to get this out before you crash but
00:54:47
there is the juice it's a good save but basically what you meant by that is that doesn't make any sense they're about big
00:54:53
Comics No you're a big comic but the whole point the dark side of it is like how they lost it all Dice Clay uh Chris
00:55:00
Farley Roseanne yes you think maybe they thought they maybe they have a crystal ball they did not ask you I was just afraid because they
00:55:12
were like we want to do about your drug addiction and I'm like oh there's not much out there
00:55:18
and so I go I'll just do it just don't do one on me and then they go I'll just and they go which one you want to go I got the only one I really am close to is die so I'll do the dice one good I'm glad you did that well I want
00:55:29
to see it I haven't seen what is it on Hulu Hulu maybe I'll watch it yeah yeah no you they can't make an
00:55:36
episode on you I don't know the way you're saying it though it just hurts me it just it just
00:55:42
sounds like they definitely can make an episode on either way you're talking about well that's what they they called you and said they're doing it have you seen it no the the reason why I'm on
00:55:49
dice is with the negotiation was that don't do one on me yeah that's good yeah yeah you're smart that's why they're not
00:55:55
that's why you don't have an episode that's exactly right yeah yeah you knew you knew but is it good it's well done
00:56:01
it's really good but yeah at the end it's like and that's what killed him that's on the end of our episode and
00:56:07
that's what killed him pretty much that's what killed him once again I think you know what but if but would you let someone do a comedy documentary on you anyway in general
00:56:18
yeah I think that's like 15 years away though just to have you have more [ __ ] to like more stories to make because right now
00:56:25
but but you do you ever want to like write a book I've been offered that I have people go
00:56:31
can you do storybooks or have someone else write your book I mean for you that's not me taking a shot you're
00:56:37
definitely not going to write a book that's a shot tell me you're going to write your own book right now I'll write my own book
00:56:45
say you promised and you swear you swear on everything swear on your mother's life you'll write I want to do a book okay see yeah this is
00:56:51
you'll never write about it it doesn't necessarily mean I don't want to [ __ ] write a book no it's not that you can't write it it's you won't I know how to
00:56:57
write the language language so can we admit that I just said you can thank you but you never will ever yeah you'll
00:57:02
never write a book your whole life but what if I have a Ghostwriter that's what he said that's exactly what I said oh yeah then yes yes
00:57:10
you'll have someone else write the book but I'll be there in the room yeah sometimes
00:57:15
well give me the draft give you the first draft and I'll read it and I'll make notes yeah that's kind
00:57:20
of writing not at all is that writing no uh uh when somebody says I wrote this book and somebody else
00:57:26
wrote it I just think they are not allowed to say they wrote any of it you didn't write any of it that's a bit that's true if you told a joke and it
00:57:31
wasn't your joke I'm like you told someone else's joke yeah that's true he didn't tell Georgie that [ __ ] that's not your property to yeah it's such a
00:57:37
weird line when people have these big Crews of people that write jokes for them and they get all the credit but they're like well I paid you it's like I
00:57:44
know but you didn't come up with it let me ask you something about and this is something I've been thinking about your
00:57:49
past and you're talking about I'm talking about stuff memories from childhood yeah
00:57:55
High School whatever the past is and um the way I remember things and I feel and
00:58:01
experienced it isn't necessarily is it exactly the way it happened no right there's always something else like you're through time they get exaggerated or you misdetail right right or
00:58:15
something so I just you know how can you one write a book when it's when that's in play well this
00:58:21
was the whole thing about the James Fray thing do you remember the James Fray million little pieces do you remember this controversy
00:58:26
I forget it's like one of the best books I've ever read but Oprah at one point like touted it as like you know she did
00:58:33
like her Oprah book club where it was like she'd get these great books but then it came out that the story wasn't a
00:58:38
true right autobiography there was some fiction to it and he got ripped online yeah a million little pieces [ __ ] yeah
00:58:46
juice he got ripped for to say like his account was falsified and it was and then he had to go like on an apology
00:58:52
tour and all this stuff and it was like dude our entertainment is going to be hyperbolized every joke you've ever told
00:58:58
is not 100 accurate or true we talked at lunch about when I say my dad sometimes I'm blending a story from my real dad
00:59:04
and sometimes from my stepdad and I make them one guy because it helps the story stories that I heard from other people
00:59:11
of course you know what I mean then I'm like I'm going to incorporate that into my getting molested by a Down Syndrome guy no that was yours it was like
00:59:18
there's one in particular about the alien guy well I was in a a meeting I met a guy oh
00:59:24
yeah yeah he took me to the van that happened to my other friend not not to you no yeah but I took on that story and
00:59:30
I've said that you know I mean that's totally that's a part of entertainment so that's my problem is when someone's like that's not the whole truth it's
00:59:36
like yeah I'm not a [ __ ] reporter for the news I'm not yeah yeah this is all this is all for fun and entertainment I
00:59:42
know I know but it gets it gets uh it gets yeah it gets all foggy people want it to always be real like um Ben Harper
00:59:49
became a buddy and I had said I asked him when we first hung out if he really smoked a lot of pockets his most famous song was burn one down it was like a college anthem for every frat guy yeah and he's like I don't I don't smoke pot
01:00:01
that was a that was me speaking as if I was one of my closest friends who he's like in my mind is like a pot addict or a pothead he smokes pot all day every day and so he took on this personality
01:00:12
of this to write this song yet every fan thinks it's been yeah but Ben doesn't they don't doesn't smoke pot yeah so I'm
01:00:19
like that's the beauty and if you found out that it's true does that make you hate the song now
01:00:25
yeah that's not fair that's not fair Because You Loved the song it's like it's like you love the the joke you love the the
01:00:32
story that someone tells why does it matter I mean there are factual things like I grew up in San Diego my parents
01:00:38
don't a clothing business your dad beat you with a golf club all this stuff is real yeah but was it a golf club or was
01:00:44
it something else it was something else ping pong paddle and to me that's funnier and I don't know why you got rid of that one yeah
01:00:55
which side the green or the red you know you got the red side yeah it's harder yeah yeah that's so funny that
01:01:02
you got beat with that like do you have a joke like that where you you hyperbolize the truth you expand on the you know the you stretch what wasn't
01:01:08
didn't really happen or whatever yeah I have some stuff about that yeah give us an example oh yeah no that'll do it uh
01:01:17
no I used to have a joke about my dad not calling me back um because that would happen sometimes he'd be busy and I so but I but it
01:01:24
wasn't like never so but so I hyperbolized that in the joke where I was like that uh song Cat's Cradle you
01:01:31
know that song and it's like silver spoon yeah yeah and this would be like I got home from college and I called my
01:01:37
dad he said he'd call me back but he never did something like stupid like yeah yeah yeah that's pretty innocent
01:01:43
it's innocent yeah yeah yeah we all do it yeah well that's a part of Storytelling and joke writing that I
01:01:49
think is so it's like so interesting is when you hear something people do go is that true yeah is that
01:01:55
is that part true yeah and you're like I don't know do you really want to know doesn't that take away some of the [ __ ] fun yeah it's kind of like you
01:02:02
know what I mean crazy yeah you kind of wanted to live in this fun a fun realm yeah in a vacuum of whatever it is and
01:02:09
then you enjoy it and then it's then it's done and it's like who cares yeah it I I also find it weird that like you
01:02:14
know at the end of the day my life isn't that exciting nobody says you know people think that I have this exciting life no it's awfully boring I woke up I looked on my news thing on my phone look
01:02:27
at the text I drank some coffee I just sat there for an hour yeah like what do I do today like the day is not that fun
01:02:33
I woke up this morning I went to a fitting yeah you know I I ended up getting stoned with with Lil pump and a
01:02:40
bunch of his crew then I went had lunch with like Snoop and it was like that's not it's not even that fun because it was a salad yeah yeah like who gives a
01:02:47
[ __ ] salad exactly right and it's like it's just not nothing is that it's not that crazy like Michael Shannon and I went bowling this afternoon but it's a big [ __ ] deal you could anybody could
01:02:57
do it you know what your life you know I know and then when I was done I went to I took a private jet up to San Francisco to meet Taylor Swift to just like go
01:03:03
over her set because she's like I just want you to hammer it out but he's like that's not fun it's not me doing the set it's Taylor
01:03:09
you know yeah but could I be honest with you yeah in New York there is a part of that about you what are you talking
01:03:14
about you go I'm gonna go have dinner with my friend We're not gonna say his name I go can I go and you're like I guess
01:03:23
so you brought me to this fancy restaurant first of all let's be honest no but if we're gonna be honest I was
01:03:30
very excited you wanted to go I was like do you really want to go I heard I guess you are see this is what we just talked
01:03:35
about you heard what you want to hear I heard like I had to fight for it oh my God you're such a victim it's insane you
01:03:42
literally saw your famous friend and I said do you really want to go because we can change the reservation I'd love to have you but you got to seriously want
01:03:47
to go because you made it sound like maybe I'll go to dinner maybe I won't okay so I was like I'd love to have you so I went and we went did you get to
01:03:54
that yeah okay fine we went to this fancy restaurant right and his super famous friend we didn't do it we went
01:04:01
and had dinner with the guy that's what I'm saying is that that whole rant that you wanted before it is similar to your
01:04:07
life no that's yeah because I know certain things about you you're going to a special I'm not gonna say name but
01:04:13
you're going on a special trip with especially you know just [ __ ] you you're going on a special trip with special
01:04:20
people where you had to call make arrangements right it's only it's I couldn't go there you know that well if I wanted to go could I go only because what we're going to do
01:04:31
exactly my point is we're going golfing you don't golf you do do things that I don't do but you don't golf if you golf doesn't matter I've never invited to anything like then go to A League of Legends tournaments with famous people
01:04:41
go to like a [ __ ] and now you're doing [ __ ] you're making fun of me because I play video games no I'm not I'm saying that's your thing you make
01:04:47
fun of me because I golf that's why basically what I'm saying am I right though you would go to what your hobby is let me just say something all right
01:04:54
look at me right now um so what I'm basically saying is this all right this dude right here right
01:05:00
he does adventurers that are not normal that's not true you are I'm with you thank you that's not true it's so true dude if I'm not gonna say it but if I told you who was going on this trip with
01:05:14
you to [ __ ] some Far Away the island destination in the woods right that's exclusive only and everybody on there is like holy [ __ ] that's like the biggest name I've ever seen that's you go [ __ ]
01:05:26
yourself end of story it's because I'm going golfing with people see what he's doing but I mean dude if you're happy
01:05:32
back me up can you back me up no if your hobbies included that stuff like I went like when I went to Steph Curry's thing
01:05:37
that's because Steph Curry plays golf and has a golf tournament right so I went because my friend knows him okay
01:05:42
that's still cool though that's still cool it is part of your life yeah you'll be a little not every golfer my dad
01:05:48
played golf for 30 years he never was never met Stephanie he was not that good that's the problem
01:05:57
my friend Mike young was like that too he's still alive yeah I know yeah Michael Young is still alive yeah but
01:06:03
like where you they go they go on these Adventures I would never go on but but okay okay okay let me play
01:06:09
Devil's Advocate it's because you don't want to go on a lot of these things you'd rather just I would literally suck
01:06:15
can you help me with that yeah I will say when uh did I go to dinner in New York you did you did you did but but if
01:06:20
it was in LA you wouldn't come Bobby I thought Mike invited you into Tobey Maguire's house that's right that's
01:06:26
right you didn't want to go that was that was 20 years ago what's the difference at the time you didn't want to go then you don't want to go now I
01:06:31
want to go now you want to go to tobes place I go anywhere you want me to call tubetube no I don't want you call Tope I
01:06:36
don't that's not the guy I want it my point is this is my life day to day is normal yours is not and let's move on
01:06:42
okay see this is unfair this is where you'll disagree yeah my life day to day is very normal occasionally I disagree
01:06:48
with occasionally I do other stuff I do other stuff occasionally yeah like golf yeah I like golfing okay it's what it's
01:06:54
my Escape it's the only thing I have dinner's with famous people he's my friend okay
01:06:59
that's it what are we arguing about you're special no you make it sound like like I have I live this insane fan well
01:07:06
I go to a meetings with plumbers we flew we flew on 9 11. did you feel a little weird no I almost
01:07:13
um posted a video of the plane and then I put that song juicy Oh Yeah from biggie yeah from Biggie and there's a line in it where he says he's blowing up like the World Trade oh my God I'm
01:07:25
really glad that wasn't deliberate though that was totally on action on accident but I'm really glad I didn't post it well you did I thought I saw it
01:07:31
no it it something got like I almost posted it but the service went out because we were like taking off and then
01:07:37
uh and then it it didn't post and then I was I felt weird listening to the song and I was like thank God I didn't post
01:07:43
this did you feel weird flying on 911 I was excited I was like you hope it was gonna happen to you yeah oh well of
01:07:49
course but where were you coming back from Austin why were you down there I went to a football game with my family
01:07:57
yes you see okay so see you can make fun of me for a living life but like he lives this Rich fancy boy life yeah but
01:08:03
he he gets a jet set at will wherever he wants when he never did the work I know
01:08:08
that's what sucks that's what sucks he never did the work you did the works I'm just playing with you I love that this
01:08:13
dude right here no work he was born I'm literally at work right now this is not this is not work this does not work you press a button it's so diminishing yeah fancy pushes
01:08:25
the buttons wait time out what do you do for us I'm Googling for you okay he's right he's right he's right Honestly though we love when he loves you Carlos we love you literally I honestly well I
01:08:37
want to work with you for the rest of my life I just think that you're so proficient like in New York you really helped me out you'd call me you would
01:08:43
wait until you see the new trash Tuesday and see if you still like him or what do you do what did you do
01:08:50
what did you do say it now say it right now so we can [ __ ] brace for it when it happens
01:08:56
whoa Annie pulled out a tampon it was like an ultra tampon it was really big and she dipped it in water and made it
01:09:03
all wet and kalila grabbed it and I thought I was gonna like play with the tampon or something but then kalila made
01:09:11
it mistletoe oh my God and what I've got peer pressured and what put the mic near your mouth I want to hear you say it I want to hear you say
01:09:23
what you got peer pressured and what it was just a little and what there's this little dab on like tongue if this is kalila it looks like her it would just be this
01:09:36
okay I'm gonna watch the video oh my God and if it's not that it is that be honest with you right now I'm
01:09:42
this is my one chance to tell the truth yeah yeah I said it I'm gonna say something right now I kind
01:09:48
of want to take a walk from playing with fire that's the last pack you get no no no no no no
01:09:53
no no I shouldn't let go do not let it go yeah you're right do not hold on to this son of a [ __ ] yeah there it is
01:09:59
you Mexican piece of [ __ ] yeah hit him hard hit him harder yeah that's not enough hit him hard you balding mediocre
01:10:05
that's great all right get it going lazy hit him hard um in title do not pull off yeah go take
01:10:12
off living off your Mexican money [ __ ] yeah we're flying now all right Mexican money now Ascend talentless oh that one
01:10:18
hurts right yeah it's been yes scene yeah yeah can I ask you yeah all jokes aside no don't no yeah don't ask hey did you get aroused did you like it look at
01:10:31
me in the face look at me in the face Don't Look Away stop looking away look at me in the face the whole time fancy pull the mic near his mouth Don't Close Your Eyes don't shift your eyes because
01:10:37
you know what they say when you're lying your shift your you shift your eye look me in the eyes did you like it I did not like it Andrew oh my God I looked
01:10:46
straight at it he [ __ ] loved it Bobby look at me he liked it more whoa she complimented my kiss oh she complimented mine she was like oh
01:10:57
your lips are like pillows can I just say um go ahead you um acted out [ __ ] on him just a few minutes that's right you did yeah you did for comedy okay well this was for comedy
01:11:10
that's not was it I mean you got to ask Annie and them look at me in the face ask me did you like it like you're me and I'm Carlos go ahead ask me I'm Carlos
01:11:22
did you like it I did not that's what he did that's what he did and it was so see-through yeah I saw his brain going say no say no say no say no say no like you would have gone to
01:11:32
prison if you're in court yeah I lock him up yeah did you murder Miss Andrews no
01:11:38
you're going to prison yeah you go to prison they know yeah yeah oh my God Carlos well what do we have to do now to make up for this blasphemy can I ask you
01:11:45
another question and since we're here and you know what if you're honest with me right now I am being there's no consequence have you ever jerked off to
01:11:50
a kalila no no don't don't answer fast so fast don't answer so [ __ ] fast have you ever jerked off to kalila slow
01:11:58
down be conscious of the answer jerk off huh sex workers you only jerk off to sex workers yeah okay so let's let we need
01:12:04
to rectify this on another episode yeah but I gotta tell you I love you I've always loved you Carlos
01:12:09
you know we've been close for years I think you're such a wonderful person this is gonna be tough whatever comes of this is just gonna be
01:12:15
tough and I hope you just you just gotta he's got to deal with the wrath of Bobby Lee Yep this is getting twisted is Bobby
01:12:22
Lee somebody that holds a grudge and and enacts some awful [ __ ] on people he'll go John you better believe it you better
01:12:27
believe it is this gonna be an easy ride for you it's gonna be pretty bumpy I'd strap on put a strap on on I'm ready
01:12:33
okay I can't look at Bobby right now no and you should and honestly let me ask you
01:12:39
something have you ever been in a relationship yes he was married you were married right yeah if I kissed
01:12:46
your ex-wife well that's different he would talk about that after you broke up with her would that be weird
01:12:52
it would be weird yeah so that's how I feel you know I'm on Carlos's side for one
01:12:59
second he was bullied into kissing the girls pushed him around they bully him over there I see what they do to him it's
01:13:04
insane I thought I was gonna suck on the tampon yeah did you see I almost looked on the
01:13:12
tent no I'm not gonna suffer yeah what did you just say you're gonna suck on kalila's tits going to edit it so he
01:13:18
said yes fancy let me ask you this let me ask you this question right this is a simple question right
01:13:23
laughs if Andrew was dying from a disease I am kind of Hooters right and the only way to cure him he's gonna die in seven days is to eat kalila's vagina you have to go down I'm dying Andrew
01:13:37
yeah you [ __ ] asked me I'm not dying it was an act it was just an ad you know he's not dying you know I'm not dying
01:13:43
disease [ __ ] yeah yeah oh we just saw your true colors put you in and save Andrew yeah no no he's not dying what disease that kills somebody in seven days
01:13:56
okay give him another one juicy is dying we know she's dying she's very very sick what kind of cancer do you have
01:14:02
uh my mouth cancer you have mouth cancer well it's gonna fall off it's gonna fall
01:14:07
off the whole thing and the only way to save her is we've we've set up this only fans stream yeah and you are gonna have
01:14:14
to eat kalila's ass to save jet ski jet ski tell him how much you need this I everything I do is with my mouth
01:14:36
yeah well I gotta tell you um I think he should close the show you tell the audience what that what you
01:14:43
want them to hear about what's going on because Bobby I gotta tell you is frazzled I can feel it I know he's it's a side I'm sorry for being a bad friend
01:14:50
great and he got ripped online yeah a billion little pieces ironically [ __ ] yeah juice
01:15:02
yeah that's great man come on give her credit for that great joke come on Bobby I didn't even know was that what the
01:15:08
book's called million little pieces yeah say it again say it again say it again ready he got
01:15:15
ripped online he got ripped into a million little pieces thanks perfect do we get that we can cut that down yeah you're not a Jedi okay okay
01:15:32
all right what am I then in the Star Wars Universe yeah you and I are mechanics on the Death Star well on the first one that explodes we have the tools you and I are
01:15:43
like oh dude we're done yeah you what it would you would be Princess Leia no what are you talking about you're like the fifth wheel in Jabba's [ __ ] hot you
01:15:55
know what those dancing girls right you're in the waiting room he never used you yeah why are you not use it you know
01:16:01
the lady with the little [ __ ] and she's dancing with the chain right I'm working the cashier no you're not even that you're just in a waiting room and you've
01:16:07
been there for like 20 years that's her right there that is literally her that's yeah that's that's you dancing for Jabba dancing
01:16:14
laughs [Music]