00:00:00
you two are bad friends you are these
00:00:02
two idiots
00:00:03
why dude i'm an asian dude
00:00:06
you two are disgusting
00:00:08
well you two or something we're bad
00:00:11
friends
00:00:12
are your levels good you sound good i i
00:00:13
sound good i feel good
00:00:16
friends
00:00:18
bad new friends bad new friends it's a
00:00:21
brand new
00:00:22
bad new friends white friends white
00:00:25
friends
00:00:27
white
00:00:28
friends
00:00:30
we started asian hate yes
00:00:35
we did we started it we did we want to
00:00:38
bring back the campaign we do
00:00:40
bobby's gone
00:00:42
listen hopefully for good
00:00:45
let's be real with the fans okay here's
00:00:47
what's going on
00:00:48
bobby and i
00:00:51
got into a little quarrel
00:00:52
about where to shoot bottoms of turtle
00:00:54
island he went out on his own
00:00:57
and he is island
00:00:58
shopping and i mean this he's looking to
00:01:00
buy an island okay
00:01:02
he's searched the caribbean or the
00:01:04
caribbean as you people call it yeah and
00:01:07
owners call it owners and he's looking
00:01:09
for an island and he's looking to shoot
00:01:11
um somewhere next year in the fall maybe
00:01:14
so bobby's going to be gone for a couple
00:01:16
of weeks okay so what did i do what'd
00:01:18
you do
00:01:23
hello hey chris hey andrew it's the red
00:01:27
cockade hi kids i'm on the phone with
00:01:29
the devil
00:01:30
i need you to come to the studio okay
00:01:33
and to be my co-host for an episode or
00:01:36
two ooh okay um ten thousand episodes
00:01:38
sound good you
00:01:40
got it
00:01:42
bobby's in rehab
00:01:45
druggie he's a real drug druggie what
00:01:47
can we say we know you guys knew it he's
00:01:49
the love of our life and i love him so
00:01:50
much and and one of my best friends on
00:01:52
earth and he's in rehab and you know
00:01:54
what you're not comfortable talking
00:01:55
about it because people have addictions
00:01:56
and people have problems we have
00:01:57
problems we got problems we got problems
00:01:59
we got problems i uh i was here in la
00:02:02
the truth stories i was here in l.a for
00:02:04
something else and i was walking past
00:02:05
the 7-eleven and bobby was asleep
00:02:07
outside of it and i called you and i
00:02:08
said uh we got a problem we got a
00:02:11
problem so i gave him a go-go taquito on
00:02:14
the slurpee and we put him in we put him
00:02:16
in a nice church fan up to rehab and
00:02:17
then i came right here he's at a
00:02:19
religious facility
00:02:20
it's called christ first
00:02:22
um yeah
00:02:24
and uh it's that guy you know that guy
00:02:26
from youtube was like jesus christ it's
00:02:28
him it's his facility yeah and he's
00:02:30
getting people clean
00:02:31
and uh bobby's gonna get uh a clean
00:02:34
sweep and a new lease on life yes
00:02:36
because we want him to live forever i
00:02:38
don't like man's no more yeah i'm not
00:02:40
gay no more that's his that's his guy
00:02:43
that's his guy that's his pastor by the
00:02:44
way
00:02:45
look up the average lifespan of a south
00:02:47
korean because north koreans got to be
00:02:49
longer because they do it good up there
00:02:50
yeah let's say average lifespan of a
00:02:52
south korean
00:02:54
83 years that's pretty good do you think
00:02:57
bobby will make it nope oh look at this
00:02:59
george wants to give you a gift
00:03:02
this is um thinking oh this is from did
00:03:05
you is this the ball gag you guys put in
00:03:06
my mouth when uh you put the pubes in it
00:03:08
wow do you have sex toys at home
00:03:11
no jasmine has sex toys that um she i i
00:03:14
think she uses them she never used them
00:03:16
with me and i think she uses them on
00:03:18
herself or uh my little daughter seven
00:03:21
month old violet i don't i think it's
00:03:22
the carpenter who does work in our house
00:03:24
i think it's his child
00:03:27
i gotta i got some we have sex toys but
00:03:28
i got a rooster ring you know really
00:03:30
yeah rooster ring what's a rooster right
00:03:31
it's a nice way of saying [ __ ] ring okay
00:03:33
i got a rooster ring and it
00:03:36
vibrates and you can put it on top of
00:03:38
your of your slang and it uh
00:03:41
on her ding dong or
00:03:43
you flip it upside down
00:03:45
and it massages your cojones
00:03:49
and
00:03:51
yeah so you can put it on top for once
00:03:53
it's for her for him for her and for him
00:03:55
my friend is a police officer
00:03:59
my friend's a police officer in new york
00:04:00
and he texted the group chat the other
00:04:03
day and he goes guys i just came from a
00:04:05
call you know a doa you know the guy was
00:04:07
dead there he a guy died had a heart
00:04:09
attack sitting in his computer with tidy
00:04:11
whities down around his ankles blasting
00:04:14
gay porn with a [ __ ] ring around his
00:04:16
[ __ ]
00:04:17
and he just had a heart attack and he
00:04:18
said like his wife like he has a full
00:04:19
wife and kids they just weren't home so
00:04:21
it's like the guy was just ripping gay
00:04:23
porn with a cocktail you tell him what
00:04:24
do you do you tell the wife you're a cop
00:04:26
me and you we walk in on a guy yeah
00:04:28
right we walk in on george obviously yes
00:04:30
who's got a big old thick [ __ ] ring the
00:04:32
fact that carlos isn't gay is
00:04:34
mind-blowing by the way he is they all
00:04:36
are yeah
00:04:37
he is gay he's just not allowed to be it
00:04:39
for his father you know when his dad
00:04:41
dies he'll be able to do whatever it is
00:04:42
oh same with me how old's your pop
00:04:44
um
00:04:45
64. oh dude he's in the thick of it nice
00:04:49
because everything is gay now he's like
00:04:50
what are you gonna paint your nails
00:04:51
you're gay gay hurtling insult where's
00:04:54
your dad from uh mexico city oh oh my
00:04:56
the most homophobic city it yeah mexican
00:05:00
that's the thing it's like everyone
00:05:01
shits on whites the most racist
00:05:03
homophobic people i've ever met in my
00:05:04
life are non-white people non-white yeah
00:05:06
look up look up look up what's the most
00:05:08
homophobic city in the united states
00:05:10
let's see who hates the gays the most
00:05:11
i'm going to say mexico city's got to be
00:05:13
weighed in in the united states or in
00:05:14
the world in the world i'm sorry in the
00:05:15
world mostly yeah yeah because the most
00:05:17
homophobic city in the united states is
00:05:19
boston 20 most dangerous place 22 yeah
00:05:21
it is 100
00:05:22
get out of here dude what your [ __ ]
00:05:24
[ __ ] rings in your butt plugs [ __ ] your
00:05:26
[ __ ] [ __ ] quack sackers all
00:05:28
right this is the 20s most dangerous
00:05:29
places to live for homosexual uh men and
00:05:32
i'll tell you what's not nigeria number
00:05:34
one i would say that's just dangerous
00:05:35
place to live period period period i'm
00:05:38
surprised it's not something in the
00:05:39
middle east oh
00:05:40
yes there you are yeah yeah coming
00:05:42
through yeah i'm in big saudi boom
00:05:44
before tanzania taking it back iran i
00:05:46
guess why people aren't the problem
00:05:47
though why people are the same here we
00:05:49
go we still haven't hit us soon you
00:05:50
haven't hit us no malaysia no these are
00:05:54
all tourist destinations but we don't
00:05:55
live in zambia st lucia oh saint louis
00:05:57
beautiful island though uh uganda uganda
00:06:00
pakistan
00:06:01
west bank and the gaza kenya maldives
00:06:05
jamaica ethiopia egypt let me stop you
00:06:07
right there 20. i haven't i haven't seen
00:06:10
brooklyn i didn't see queens ready for
00:06:12
this let's go to the top five safest
00:06:14
places for lgbtq gays number one sweden
00:06:18
then canada white norway white portugal
00:06:22
kind of spanish
00:06:23
spanish white belgium belgium waffles
00:06:26
i mean i mean so the fed but we're the
00:06:28
enemies where the enemy vote republican
00:06:31
only way to fix this
00:06:34
by the way you know what we should get
00:06:36
we should get more caitlyn jenners in
00:06:38
public office because you want
00:06:40
gay republicans yes if you really want
00:06:42
to mix up the system you got to get gay
00:06:44
republic now she's against gay marriage
00:06:45
which is the weirdest thing i've ever
00:06:46
heard about it's very strange i think
00:06:47
she i don't know if she flipped back but
00:06:49
for a long time she was against gay
00:06:50
marriage meet the gay republicans this
00:06:52
is a good article see but there should
00:06:53
be more gay republicans well i think a
00:06:55
lot of them flip the stigma dude yeah
00:06:57
well uh isn't the guy um with the eye
00:06:59
patch gay
00:07:00
that guy who's the ipad
00:07:02
no he's not getting crenshaw or
00:07:04
something like that dan crenshaw i
00:07:05
thought that's why he got a [ __ ] in the
00:07:07
eye
00:07:07
[Laughter]
00:07:10
was it like was it a friendly fire
00:07:11
wasn't he shot by he was trying to says
00:07:13
yeah he's friendly well that is friendly
00:07:15
fire yeah hey dan
00:07:19
no he's not he's not gay but i do think
00:07:21
there should be more gay republi just to
00:07:22
mix it up i'm sick of the same old same
00:07:24
old yeah what about there's a mixture on
00:07:26
the nfl
00:07:27
there's a lot of gay men in the end but
00:07:29
there's one open gay guy isn't he on the
00:07:30
rams
00:07:33
oh he's on the raiders he's on that
00:07:35
raiders yeah because pirates
00:07:39
why was that why would why would why did
00:07:41
butt pirate become a thing where did
00:07:43
that come from what pirate maybe um
00:07:46
because pirates seem to be not gay they
00:07:47
seem to be like
00:07:48
didn't they like loot and rob and rape
00:07:50
and pillage yeah like a hiney pirate
00:07:53
maybe because you're going like butt to
00:07:54
butt you're on the 7c
00:07:56
no they no they wouldn't sleep
00:07:57
butt-to-butt
00:07:58
they'd sleep penis to butt this year i'm
00:07:59
saying as a pirate would go poor support
00:08:01
you're going butt to butt you're a tiny
00:08:03
pirate um but where does butt pirate
00:08:05
come from what's that rudy uh what does
00:08:06
it say a rudy queer man who likes to ram
00:08:09
his schooner into another man's glory
00:08:12
hole well that's just fun to say i guess
00:08:13
yes that's just nautical talk um there
00:08:16
seems to be a lot of urban definitions
00:08:18
for it no origin oh he's trying to say
00:08:20
black and he's just afraid to say hey
00:08:22
baby rudy's here come on in let's give
00:08:24
it up for the room hey rudy how you
00:08:26
doing rudy
00:08:29
um are those kanye west boots
00:08:32
those are dope put your mic up to your
00:08:34
face we got started without you but
00:08:36
we're happy that you're here
00:08:38
does rudy know what's going on it's her
00:08:39
young years it's too much
00:08:41
does really know what's going on she the
00:08:42
house she lives in is with the guy that
00:08:44
we're yeah so you know okay do you know
00:08:46
okay let's ask
00:08:47
rudy
00:08:48
do you know that uncle bobby went to
00:08:51
rehab you know tito went to rehab
00:08:52
yesterday yeah so of course you know she
00:08:54
lives there okay you know what you know
00:08:56
she's she acts innocent she's 40. you're
00:08:58
a 40
00:08:59
you're a 40 year old filipino man
00:09:01
[Laughter]
00:09:04
oh hey rudy what's up how did you learn
00:09:06
tomorrow
00:09:07
anything good
00:09:08
um i didn't go to school
00:09:10
oh
00:09:11
what
00:09:13
i switched classes and i just didn't go
00:09:15
to school because george what what the
00:09:18
[ __ ] is going on uh she did not report
00:09:21
back to me this information
00:09:23
i like this it's a little sneaky snake
00:09:25
she's out what were you up to then
00:09:26
what'd you do when you didn't go to
00:09:27
school i was trying to watch casino
00:09:30
the movie casino you watched it yeah wow
00:09:33
my favorite you like it i'm so proud of
00:09:35
you it was okay um what why so one of
00:09:38
the greatest movies of all time
00:09:40
what what didn't you like about casino i
00:09:42
like that there were a lot of like
00:09:45
stabbing yeah
00:09:47
killing
00:09:48
a lot of angry men yeah angry men you do
00:09:50
you like that you like angry men
00:09:52
sometimes like
00:09:53
andrew yeah
00:09:55
that's my thing
00:09:57
so wait the stabbing you liked what
00:09:59
would you have a favorite scene do you
00:10:01
remember one scene that you liked i just
00:10:03
like what's his name robert de niro i
00:10:07
just like that he was
00:10:09
giving
00:10:10
um
00:10:11
ginger a lot of jewelries i like that
00:10:15
right the whole movie that's that's your
00:10:17
favorite part that's it
00:10:19
um that that she gets a lot of jewelry
00:10:21
what's your favorite movie of all time
00:10:23
i don't know don't ask me she hates
00:10:26
those questions you can't do that but do
00:10:27
it again and do it more okay how about
00:10:29
this not okay what is your favorite
00:10:32
movie with an asian american earth and
00:10:34
asian lead of all time who's your
00:10:36
favorite asian actor or actress gently
00:10:40
who's your favorite asian
00:10:42
stupid tito bobby really
00:10:49
he's your favorite asian of all time
00:10:52
yeah i guess he's up there for a lot of
00:10:54
people's favorite asian i mean he's up
00:10:55
there that's an interesting question
00:10:57
like i wonder if you posed who's your
00:10:59
favorite asian on twitter if a lot of
00:11:01
people would say bobby lee i would say
00:11:03
mine are um lisa ling love yao ming
00:11:08
love it's got a rhyme now
00:11:12
okay chango bling chingo bling
00:11:15
uh sing-sing but my overall favorite
00:11:17
asian is kim jong-un yeah he's the best
00:11:19
number one you like kim jong-un
00:11:22
isn't he either president of
00:11:25
north korea he's the leader they don't
00:11:27
have parents i think he's the big dog
00:11:29
he's the big papa yeah he's an actor yes
00:11:32
yes he is he's acting like uh
00:11:34
he acting like he doesn't want to kill
00:11:36
everybody all the time but he does
00:11:37
acting like he might not bomb us all but
00:11:39
he's gonna that's where bobby really
00:11:40
want he defected back home to north
00:11:42
korea imagine how funny imagine they
00:11:46
loved him i could see that kim jong-un
00:11:48
loving him kim jong-un loved he loved
00:11:50
dennis rodman who else went up there
00:11:51
didn't steven seagal go up there or
00:11:53
something like that probably there was
00:11:54
another famous guy that went up there
00:11:56
and they loved him um rudy what class
00:11:59
were you supposed to be at today
00:12:01
chemistry oh you want to have a what do
00:12:03
you want to do i'm talking about some
00:12:04
periodic table of elements you want to
00:12:06
you want to uh gold
00:12:08
fe what is f e
00:12:10
f e is iron
00:12:12
uh he didn't even know that
00:12:14
no you didn't know that i did no fe no
00:12:17
fe is um is one of my favorite asians um
00:12:22
who what is gold
00:12:25
yeah ag is easy because i like ag um
00:12:28
what is um barium
00:12:30
oh a or br ba or br i think br is barium
00:12:34
but i'm not really sure
00:12:36
yo ba baby girl got it do you want to
00:12:38
work at somewhere in
00:12:41
like what well i don't i don't
00:12:42
understand what the point of chemistry
00:12:44
and these classes are at your age at 20
00:12:46
years old why would you need to know
00:12:48
chemistry because my major is biology
00:12:50
and in biology you need to take
00:12:52
chemistry your major is biology i've
00:12:55
never known that i like it i thought i i
00:12:58
that's i thought you were doing
00:12:59
something with animals
00:13:01
yeah yeah she's dissecting them are you
00:13:03
just killing them you're slicing them up
00:13:05
i want to do that i did that i was a
00:13:07
physical therapist so i had to go
00:13:08
through all that class i dissected uh
00:13:11
gerbils rats cats humans
00:13:15
how come you had so many gerbils on hand
00:13:18
[Laughter]
00:13:22
chris chris yes and we all want to thank
00:13:25
chris in class for bringing home the
00:13:27
gerbils to stay safe with him yes and
00:13:29
they come back very excited
00:13:31
and very wise for some reason like they
00:13:33
can figure out anything they can know
00:13:34
how to they don't want to get around and
00:13:36
they're all they're all a new coat of
00:13:37
brown um did i ever tell you do you know
00:13:40
people put gerbils in their butt
00:13:42
no this is a real thing yes
00:13:44
ah because it just gets in there and
00:13:46
rummages around and kind of hits the
00:13:48
prostate a lot and you know it's it's a
00:13:50
nice orgasm because you're you're in
00:13:52
your
00:13:52
your tush inside of your tush is amazed
00:13:55
pretty similar to what they run them
00:13:56
through for testing
00:13:58
do you know your butthole is a maze
00:14:00
really yeah your bottles are made you
00:14:02
know how your you know everyone has an
00:14:03
individual ear every ear canal looks
00:14:05
different your butthole looks like that
00:14:07
inside
00:14:08
and they used to have dribble butthole
00:14:09
races and you let them go at the same
00:14:11
time
00:14:12
you shoot a little gun and they
00:14:14
and may run around your little butthole
00:14:16
and they have to go touch your prostate
00:14:18
and then
00:14:18
and then run all the way back out sure
00:14:20
how do you know they touch the process
00:14:22
because you oh you because you come
00:14:23
everywhere
00:14:24
yeah that's why
00:14:26
that's why yeah you see like um
00:14:28
a lot of nurses you know they wear that
00:14:30
face shield coven a lot of them were
00:14:32
gerbil butthole racers 100 judges i saw
00:14:35
a nurse on the flight uh by the way what
00:14:37
a crazy weekend i want to talk about
00:14:39
whoa crazy but i saw a nurse on the
00:14:41
flight and she was wearing um scrubs you
00:14:44
know what scrubs are yeah
00:14:46
and why did i ask you like you're like
00:14:48
you wouldn't know what scrubs are uh of
00:14:49
course some people wouldn't she didn't
00:14:50
know what um
00:14:52
what what she didn't know what um she's
00:14:54
very something was was before no no no
00:14:56
it's not i know she's very intelligent i
00:14:57
know you're very intelligent it's just
00:14:58
sometimes it's a it's a youth thing yeah
00:15:01
we might have a different word like if
00:15:02
my dad used to say don't park by the
00:15:04
johnny pump i was like what the [ __ ]
00:15:06
the johnny pump but it's a fire hydrant
00:15:08
is that what they call it a johnny pump
00:15:10
johnny pump my dad calls a fire hydrant
00:15:12
johnny pump was you with tampa tony this
00:15:14
past weekend i was with tampa tony this
00:15:15
past weekend he was wearing diabetic
00:15:16
socks uh the girls loved him he took
00:15:19
about 50 pictures and now he has a slide
00:15:21
coffin body ache so oh see what happens
00:15:23
he's got roney rhones he might have it
00:15:25
but he said he doesn't give a [ __ ] he
00:15:26
had a good time and did he get vast yeah
00:15:28
he got vacs he got the boosted his uh my
00:15:30
stepmother made him my stepmother told
00:15:32
him it was a flu shot oh yeah yeah
00:15:34
that's how that's how we should be
00:15:35
suckering people together yeah she said
00:15:37
it was it's a flu shot yeah how will
00:15:40
they ever know no that's what he could
00:15:41
you know he just my dad's one of those
00:15:43
guys they have that relationship she'd
00:15:44
been my stepmom 35 years ago my dad
00:15:45
doesn't do like the paycheck just goes
00:15:47
to her like my dad does nothing she just
00:15:49
calls him she feeds him he just shows up
00:15:51
and said what are we doing you know so
00:15:52
she brought him to the doctor and he was
00:15:54
like she was like you need to get at
00:15:55
least get your flu shot and then she had
00:15:56
told the doctor before don't tell him
00:15:58
this is the covet back right or hill's
00:16:00
never going to get it so they just
00:16:01
[ __ ] did it
00:16:02
i'm going to tell you that's a pretty
00:16:03
efficient way of getting it done yeah
00:16:04
did you get the booster
00:16:06
did you feel sick
00:16:07
yeah i was really i had a headache sore
00:16:10
and yeah
00:16:11
did you get it the booster yeah no
00:16:14
no because i had the shot and i had
00:16:17
kovid yeah and i think it was too close
00:16:19
to i think i'm up official i think i'm
00:16:21
uh what is it called i'm like um
00:16:23
eligible for it now in the month of
00:16:25
january yeah now i'm eligible for it i'm
00:16:27
eligible in march
00:16:28
yeah because you get the second shot was
00:16:30
yeah yeah i mean i don't know if i want
00:16:32
to get the
00:16:33
the boost man yeah did you guys boost up
00:16:35
mm-hmm didn't do anything to me yeah but
00:16:38
you can also i got the booster uh two
00:16:39
weeks before i got covered
00:16:41
really yup yeah so yeah i remember we
00:16:43
ate dinner and he called me he was like
00:16:44
by the way i have did you get call of it
00:16:46
bad were you really sick
00:16:47
uh nah it wasn't that bad you know
00:16:49
there's an article online about people
00:16:51
that men are losing penis size because
00:16:52
of covid i don't believe it though look
00:16:54
it up no no i no i've seen the article
00:16:56
but you believe it yes anything on the
00:16:58
internet is believable but how could you
00:16:59
lose penis size i think that said
00:17:01
something about
00:17:02
skin shrinkage like your skin is
00:17:04
deteriorating well that's when you got
00:17:06
to get warts
00:17:07
well you got warts throw skin back oh i
00:17:09
call it extra skin layers yeah like i'm
00:17:12
like a rainbow cookie coronavirus
00:17:13
lingers in penis and could cause
00:17:15
impotence so that's why
00:17:17
cause i've been i've i've i've really
00:17:19
been actually having uh well you haven't
00:17:20
gotten
00:17:21
about 15 years it's been very tough to
00:17:23
get around
00:17:25
you know jasmine's very beautiful puerto
00:17:26
rican but i just it's like i'm just
00:17:28
mashing it up a softy right up against
00:17:32
it's very embarrassing how do you feel
00:17:33
about puerto ricans do you know any
00:17:34
puerto ricans no i don't have any
00:17:37
friends no puerto rican friends do you
00:17:38
have any you have any um
00:17:40
mexican island friends cubans i would
00:17:42
think the philippines spanish i should
00:17:44
say not mexican they're the puerto
00:17:45
ricans so racist would filipinos be the
00:17:47
puerto ricans of asia would the king of
00:17:49
china be like the the puerto ricans are
00:17:51
the philippine
00:17:52
like the king of spain would say the
00:17:53
puerto ricans are the puerto ricans and
00:17:55
i wonder if the king of china would say
00:17:57
the puerto ricans are the filipinos is
00:17:58
there a king of china no but you know
00:18:00
there feels like that feels like it is
00:18:02
the emperor whatever his name jijonpin
00:18:04
oh zhang jijwan
00:18:07
i want to go to china so bad just to see
00:18:08
the uh they don't want you there why no
00:18:11
you don't want to go to china why no
00:18:13
they got pandas in the wild they yeah
00:18:16
that's true but you do not want to go to
00:18:18
china not right now because you're
00:18:19
muslim and then what they're doing is
00:18:20
they're taking muslim people what do you
00:18:22
mean i can pray there no but they're
00:18:23
shaving their heads in certain provinces
00:18:24
and putting them on trains into
00:18:25
concentration camps out of the europe
00:18:28
dead you know i mean you look as muslim
00:18:29
as anyone i've ever seen
00:18:31
well i didn't take up muslim and
00:18:33
muslimity until very recently but i've
00:18:36
been thinking about it i've been always
00:18:37
thinking man i got to be a muslim some
00:18:38
at some point
00:18:40
and you're still christian catholic baby
00:18:43
catholic and i'm back at church see it's
00:18:45
one of those things where like people go
00:18:46
how could you go back to church with all
00:18:47
this stuff going on the priest i said
00:18:48
that's why i'm going back i'm looking
00:18:50
for some [ __ ]
00:18:53
you were an altar boy weren't you oh yes
00:18:55
i was shout out father bill there was a
00:18:56
couple of times father
00:18:58
father
00:19:00
did he get in trouble yet he didn't but
00:19:02
it was funny on the way me and my and
00:19:04
couple of my friends who went to uh the
00:19:06
grammar school that i went to in high
00:19:07
school i went to there was a big article
00:19:09
that came out in the new york times that
00:19:10
uh exposed like a hundred parishes in
00:19:13
the new york city area and like 200
00:19:15
priests and we i was read we were
00:19:17
reading that list with our hearts like
00:19:19
that like i wonder if one of us god i
00:19:20
wonder if one of them got us one of one
00:19:22
of them got us and then there was one
00:19:23
priest that we all knew and yeah what's
00:19:26
his name uh father bill and oh the
00:19:28
father
00:19:29
yeah and then and then we were all like
00:19:31
whoa and and it was me and my three
00:19:33
other friends and then one of my friends
00:19:35
made believe you had to take a well you
00:19:36
know we didn't know this at the time but
00:19:37
he said you know he took a phone call
00:19:38
he's like and then he never came back i
00:19:40
was like ooh i think he got him no [ __ ]
00:19:43
well but you know you make fun of him
00:19:44
it's what friends are for he's dead by
00:19:45
the way yes he's killed himself from
00:19:46
alcoholism well what are you gonna do
00:19:48
what can you do you gotta hide it
00:19:49
somehow you got clipped i know that's so
00:19:51
weird that you said grammar school my
00:19:53
mother says that too but i said
00:19:54
elementary school do you know what
00:19:55
grammar school is no do you call it
00:19:57
elementary school mm-hmm yeah see did
00:19:59
you grow up in the in the philippines
00:20:02
yeah she's still there now
00:20:04
she's not here oh that's right you're in
00:20:06
the philippines yeah she's in the
00:20:07
philippines this is broadcasting from
00:20:08
the philippines uh she moved here only
00:20:10
how many years ago two years ago yeah i
00:20:13
told you i don't know if i said this the
00:20:14
last time but when i was a physical
00:20:16
therapist i worked with a lot of
00:20:17
filipino people there a lot of them are
00:20:19
physical therapists
00:20:20
and they're so good because out of all
00:20:22
the asians they have the smallest hands
00:20:25
they do that's a that's a fact google's
00:20:27
people have the smallest hands she has a
00:20:28
right that's a regular-sized hand no
00:20:30
filipino people have the smallest hands
00:20:31
that's why they're very good at massages
00:20:33
because they can get in the vertebrae
00:20:34
because they have little baby hands
00:20:37
so filipinos have very very small hands
00:20:39
so what race has the smallest hands what
00:20:41
race has the smallest hands what do we
00:20:43
think i i mean filipinos see malaysia
00:20:45
philippines
00:20:48
relative lengths
00:20:49
of hand size do black people have bigger
00:20:51
hands in any race yeah they have to yeah
00:20:53
they got it they have to they have to
00:20:55
have the biggest hands and the biggest
00:20:56
feet not the biggest penises though who
00:20:58
do you think has the biggest penises um
00:21:00
i truthfully in my heart believe that i
00:21:02
think the biggest the biggest penises um
00:21:05
are from um uh uh
00:21:09
irish people you think irish people no
00:21:11
they're like it's a classic that they
00:21:12
have small penis irish people i bet okay
00:21:14
we all know that black google this
00:21:16
please we all know that most likely that
00:21:18
the african nation of africa probably
00:21:20
has the men with the the biggest penis
00:21:22
size who has the biggest balls is what
00:21:24
oh really way more interesting because
00:21:26
that's more interesting because that's
00:21:27
not necessarily black men what do you
00:21:29
think has the biggest balls rudy
00:21:35
what does reddit say huh german
00:21:37
she says germans
00:21:40
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insurance quotes to see how much you
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could save what is this ethnicity and
00:24:25
penicillin biggest testicles is what i
00:24:27
want to know penis girth
00:24:29
oh yeah wow east asian the smallest on
00:24:31
both
00:24:32
smallest balls and smallest girth
00:24:34
unfortunately now what does it matter if
00:24:36
you have big balls does it mean anything
00:24:37
if you have big balls i i would think
00:24:39
that it would mean i would think a woman
00:24:40
would look at a man's testicles and the
00:24:42
bigger the better because i think it
00:24:44
might subconsciously tell her there's
00:24:45
more sperm in there higher chance to get
00:24:47
me pregnant which is what subconsciously
00:24:48
just sex is yeah i know but look at at
00:24:50
the gym that i go to i see guys shower
00:24:52
sometimes i see guys with massive
00:24:55
massive balls and really small penises
00:24:58
so that's an offset
00:25:00
that can't nobody wants
00:25:02
huge balls with a small penis you'd
00:25:04
rather have regular balls in a regular
00:25:05
penis what i have that's unfortunate is
00:25:08
i have uh i have
00:25:10
relatively
00:25:11
small testicles but a huge sack you're
00:25:14
so you got to get so much gum down it's
00:25:16
just so much skin yeah it's so much
00:25:18
excess did you ever stretch it over your
00:25:20
hand like a watch you know you know guys
00:25:21
that could do that in high school no no
00:25:23
did you ever stretch it over you could
00:25:24
pull it over your wrist could you guys
00:25:26
you know what i'm talking about yeah
00:25:27
somebody puts you can you do it carlos i
00:25:29
feel like i can actually you have big
00:25:31
enough balls yeah oh that's nuts rudy
00:25:33
come on cut it out being gross sometimes
00:25:35
i'll wake up in the middle of night and
00:25:36
jasmine has my sack she's using like a
00:25:38
blanket like a snug it's a snuggie
00:25:41
that's a love sack yeah it's a bean bag
00:25:42
my nuts are bean bag um i just would
00:25:44
rather not have huge balls in a really
00:25:47
small penis because i see guys in the
00:25:48
gym sometimes and they're older guys
00:25:49
because your balls just never stop it's
00:25:51
like your ears nose and your balls no
00:25:52
i'll tell you what i know you probably
00:25:54
don't know this but i'm being dead
00:25:55
serious i know he's a close friend of
00:25:57
yours but there's no way in hell travis
00:25:59
kelsey doesn't have a huge [ __ ] with
00:26:01
huge balls there is no possible way yeah
00:26:04
he doesn't have at least eight with i
00:26:06
would say maybe his testicles might hang
00:26:09
ten eleven inches we measured yet the
00:26:11
other day you are you seen it yeah i
00:26:13
went to his house i was at his house
00:26:14
literally after the game yesterday we
00:26:15
measured see that voss bottle yes that's
00:26:17
about that's about oh the length and the
00:26:18
girth uh uh soft
00:26:21
wow yeah
00:26:23
so does he have kids
00:26:24
no not yet because it's i was gonna say
00:26:26
it's gonna be hard to impregnate because
00:26:27
you kill every woman you have sex with
00:26:29
yeah he does he's killed about 13 yeah
00:26:31
yeah yeah it's insane yeah he's the best
00:26:33
i love him to death and the great win
00:26:34
for the kansas city chiefs i got a lot
00:26:35
of hate online was
00:26:39
dude if one of your good buddies was a
00:26:41
hall of fame tight end yeah and was
00:26:43
going into playoffs you'd go and root
00:26:45
for them too because that's fun to do
00:26:46
yeah my father's the biggest yankees fan
00:26:49
of all time like die hard yankees fan uh
00:26:51
he there was a show that i was doing in
00:26:53
the city once and it was host being
00:26:55
hosted by david ortiz my dad was there
00:26:57
in the front row like a little [ __ ]
00:26:59
girl yeah salivating waiting to just get
00:27:01
a picture with david ortiz yeah because
00:27:03
we love
00:27:04
i love the sports i just love sports
00:27:06
yeah i love the sports what am i going
00:27:07
to tell kelsey it's like shut up these
00:27:09
people are idiots they're idiots no but
00:27:10
if they were like oh fair weather fan
00:27:12
you're like okay so i shouldn't go have
00:27:14
fun
00:27:15
so my career
00:27:16
in a place to where i have friends with
00:27:18
nfl athletes and i shouldn't go to their
00:27:20
home after they just got to the afc
00:27:22
championships insane it's so dumb you
00:27:23
remember did you guys stay out till five
00:27:24
o'clock in the morning i j we partied
00:27:26
until i had to leave my my flight
00:27:28
literally left this morning i left
00:27:29
kansas city at 6 00 6 33 a.m
00:27:32
your flight left i landed in la at 9am
00:27:35
so you had to be on the plane be at the
00:27:38
airport by 5 30. yeah i literally went
00:27:40
from the house to the hotel grabbed my
00:27:41
[ __ ] and went to zero zero not one
00:27:44
second of sleep in kansas city after the
00:27:46
game no i probably i mean i was packing
00:27:49
i probably slept on the plane two hours
00:27:51
of the three hour and twenty minute
00:27:53
flight did you did you i'm buzzing right
00:27:55
now buddy yeah well all the guys and i
00:27:57
lost my voice you can hear how long did
00:27:59
they stay at kelsey's house everybody
00:28:01
was there for a long time kelsey's the
00:28:03
party house
00:28:04
i mean it was last night yeah it was
00:28:06
awesome was uh patrick mahomes
00:28:08
was his brother there
00:28:10
uh his brother was in the suite was in
00:28:12
their suite and then they came over to
00:28:13
say his brother the people yeah but but
00:28:14
his his wife came brittany came and uh
00:28:17
he pat can't hung out for a long time
00:28:20
and then he left and then
00:28:22
trav and everybody were playing beard
00:28:23
just drinking did coach andy reed come
00:28:25
or no and he really stopped by really i
00:28:27
buy you a cheeseburger
00:28:30
can you imagine i wonder what a coach
00:28:32
like andy reid does when he's done when
00:28:33
he wins something like that where does
00:28:34
he go
00:28:35
uh just a guy like an energy i think he
00:28:37
probably goes to a denny's yeah yeah
00:28:38
just hangs out yeah i think he goes
00:28:40
through denny's maybe he just i think he
00:28:41
probably puts on the local news he's the
00:28:42
walrus man he's the boss that guy's that
00:28:44
guy's the [ __ ] i i he what does he look
00:28:47
like to you what kind of guy does he
00:28:48
look like rudy like does that guy look
00:28:49
like a a sweet white guy an angry white
00:28:52
guy a cool
00:28:54
pedophile okay okay interesting all
00:28:56
right yep he do you think he does
00:28:59
yeah yeah why is it the way he's holding
00:29:01
the football what is it
00:29:03
look at that always he's saying gib shen
00:29:05
send over one kid what is that
00:29:09
no he's not he's a sweet smart wonderful
00:29:12
man he you lost a ton of weight says
00:29:14
that about everybody she said that about
00:29:15
carlos she said carlos looks like oh i
00:29:17
didn't see him yes he does carlos does
00:29:19
he looks like a creep carlos but that's
00:29:21
the irony is carlos looks more
00:29:22
pedophilic
00:29:24
carlos like this but then when he takes
00:29:25
his hat off it's bad what do you oh he's
00:29:27
looks more more like look you've never
00:29:29
seen him with all this earlier is that a
00:29:30
word look at this
00:29:32
oh yeah okay how about now how about now
00:29:34
wait hold on hold on
00:29:36
is it on camera
00:29:38
all right how about now now put now
00:29:40
against andy reid beautiful the
00:29:42
wonderful walrus and this man who do you
00:29:44
think come on by looking at the camera
00:29:46
because it's a bit scary carlos is a bit
00:29:48
scary
00:29:49
but now put a hat on put a hat on and
00:29:52
normal sweet guy yeah there it is take
00:29:54
it off take it off hide your kids yeah
00:29:57
put the hat back on
00:29:59
hide your wife
00:30:00
[Laughter]
00:30:02
this guy a babe magnet dude out when he
00:30:05
took his hat off at the trash tuesday
00:30:06
podcast i almost fell out of my [ __ ]
00:30:08
chair and why don't you buzz it no
00:30:10
uh i like it i think it's funny can i
00:30:11
try to do it i do it is but can i tell
00:30:13
you confidence you know why because
00:30:15
you're a you have a handsome face yes
00:30:17
because you have very nice eyes and you
00:30:18
have a very handsome face so it doesn't
00:30:20
even matter you pull it off and i've
00:30:22
seen ari shafir grow his hair out like
00:30:24
same thing and it looked it's because
00:30:25
it's so or a guy stavros yeah i love
00:30:27
stavros because it's so funny so insane
00:30:30
and i think a woman looks at it's like
00:30:31
this dude is so confident he must have a
00:30:33
huge [ __ ] and i'm going to blast
00:30:37
yeah but are you single right now yeah
00:30:39
the young man is out on the prowl so
00:30:40
ladies uh write in to uh uh give me that
00:30:44
give me that beefybald at gmail.com and
00:30:47
we'll try to set you up to date with
00:30:48
carlos are you interested in going on
00:30:49
some dates with yeah sure some of the
00:30:51
field yeah open it up dude
00:30:53
you might as well you know
00:30:54
because otherwise one day you're gonna
00:30:56
turn around you're gonna flip around
00:30:57
you've got
00:30:58
two kids with puerto rican and you know
00:30:59
you're living in staten island and
00:31:00
you're
00:31:01
floating away what it is you got your
00:31:03
cholesterol's at about 280. i need my
00:31:04
second divorce so let's get did you get
00:31:06
divorced you knocked out one yeah oh
00:31:09
and you're a young guy what happened
00:31:11
just didn't work out we should have just
00:31:13
probably been how long into the marriage
00:31:15
did you know you [ __ ] up
00:31:17
like a minute like four years i would
00:31:20
say
00:31:20
wait wait a minute uh are you guys are
00:31:23
still cool though right no she lives in
00:31:24
portland now it didn't end well well i
00:31:27
mean like we i thought we were cool and
00:31:29
then i
00:31:30
looked at her instagram like
00:31:33
a year and a half
00:31:35
after our divorce like i didn't look at
00:31:37
all right and i saw she was at all of
00:31:39
andreas santino's comedy shows yeah
00:31:41
front front row with her tits out
00:31:43
you know what's funny is i thought that
00:31:44
that was gonna be the case she was gonna
00:31:46
be like partying and stuff and like
00:31:47
going out with rock stars or whatever
00:31:49
yeah she's been in a relationship like
00:31:51
the whole time um she just had a baby
00:31:54
ooh that hurts last week that stings a
00:31:56
little bit did you congratulate her on
00:31:58
the baby of course not no yeah what if
00:31:59
they named the baby carlos how [ __ ]
00:32:01
what oh my god
00:32:03
that's
00:32:04
it's a good name
00:32:05
does that bother you a little bit that
00:32:07
she has procreated with someone else
00:32:08
i'll tell you this it's so weird but it
00:32:10
did not bother me at all not even a
00:32:12
little bit no i was so excited to tell
00:32:14
my therapist like
00:32:15
every time i was like oh she has a
00:32:17
boyfriend i don't care it's weird she
00:32:19
has a baby she's pregnant whatever i
00:32:21
never care it's funny like he comes into
00:32:22
his therapist with his hair and his head
00:32:24
like that and she's like it doesn't
00:32:26
bother
00:32:26
me at you
00:32:28
she's like would you like some
00:32:28
medication
00:32:30
xanax
00:32:31
do you like carlos more or less now that
00:32:33
you've seen him without a hat on yeah i
00:32:35
like him more see
00:32:36
wow
00:32:38
because he got a sweet smile
00:32:40
you got a really nice smile and you've
00:32:42
all and you've always had like a nice
00:32:43
sweet face i think that's what's that's
00:32:45
what it is though it's like people don't
00:32:46
even see it they just see your beautiful
00:32:48
little scenes now did you swap out
00:32:49
carlos with fancy because they're like a
00:32:52
spaniard first time he got uh extradited
00:32:54
spain for for what did he do for well he
00:32:56
had sex crimes
00:32:58
yeah you know what's interesting fantasy
00:33:00
i think he was what was he doing george
00:33:02
it was like somebody he was like
00:33:03
shipping old ladies across borders you
00:33:06
know how they you know they say like
00:33:07
you'd see those signs at airports that
00:33:08
are like hey if you're tr uh it's a
00:33:09
human trafficking yeah you know and like
00:33:11
whatever please report it this guy was
00:33:13
taking geriatric human trafficking to a
00:33:15
whole new level he would alzheimer's
00:33:17
patients alzheimer's patients this guy
00:33:19
he would trick alzheimer's patients
00:33:21
into he'd be like no no we're going to
00:33:23
see your kids i'm your cousin i'm
00:33:25
remember and they're like oh my cousin
00:33:27
and he would trick these old women and
00:33:29
he'd pimp them out he's been pimping old
00:33:30
men and women for about four or five
00:33:32
years you know what's so [ __ ] weird
00:33:34
is because when i was here the last time
00:33:35
you know when i was with i was with my
00:33:36
kids fancy dropped us off you know we
00:33:39
went to the market and dropped us off
00:33:41
and then we were unloading the car and
00:33:43
he goes hey do you guys mind if i take
00:33:45
one of those boxes of diapers
00:33:47
and i was like what did he need what do
00:33:49
you want diapers for he was like i just
00:33:51
you know i just
00:33:52
would you just mind that it's kind of
00:33:53
for a bit but now it makes sense he was
00:33:55
using them for this small elderly people
00:33:57
that fit into yep my kids diapers 100
00:34:00
and they caught him i think they got 67
00:34:02
or 68 cases of fancy babies where did he
00:34:04
go do we not know he's spain he got
00:34:06
extradited to spain to spain to espana
00:34:09
they wanna they're and they're they're
00:34:10
charging him with crimes against
00:34:12
geriatric humanities so he's in trouble
00:34:14
dude who knows if he'll come back i know
00:34:16
i'm gonna miss him yeah yeah can't get
00:34:18
him back
00:34:19
i mean look if you want to go to okay so
00:34:21
we got a letter the other day asking us
00:34:22
who wants to go uh testify on his behalf
00:34:25
and george and bryce myself all said
00:34:28
no thank you i'm not going to go to
00:34:29
court to fight for this guy who's been
00:34:31
human trafficking people that are 65 and
00:34:33
up i thought you liked him i do but do
00:34:36
you want to go to court for him
00:34:38
yeah you're willing to go to court for
00:34:40
fans
00:34:41
wow what what is what's the reason if
00:34:43
he's if he's trafficking old women and
00:34:45
men and men
00:34:47
they're old
00:34:50
they are gonna die and the k she's right
00:34:52
yeah do we really care about the elderly
00:34:54
here's the gallery
00:34:57
let him leave
00:34:59
yeah you're right they are old they are
00:35:01
your oldest person that you know
00:35:04
my
00:35:05
grandma how old is she
00:35:07
she's
00:35:09
75. you're great that's like my parents
00:35:12
that's so funny oh it's crazy yeah my
00:35:13
dad's like 77. 75 that's it that's she's
00:35:17
she's young and she probably looks young
00:35:18
doesn't she
00:35:19
the islanders bro they live forever i
00:35:21
know i know the island just that's my
00:35:23
favorite hockey team no it's not yes it
00:35:26
is what do you what do you think the
00:35:27
diet is that makes everyone the island
00:35:28
people live so long is it rice and
00:35:30
pineapples and stuff fish a lot of fish
00:35:32
a lot of fish you guys don't eat a lot
00:35:33
of bread no real sweets right there's no
00:35:35
desserts in the asian culture um yeah
00:35:38
they're ready no no but nothing like
00:35:39
deep starchy sugary it's like fruit
00:35:41
desserts wait a minute don't call it
00:35:42
look at it it's the average age of the
00:35:44
philippines 71 years so by the way it
00:35:45
seems better to live in north korea than
00:35:47
it does the philippines north koreans
00:35:48
lasted how long 83 23.
00:35:51
south korea was 83. oh sorry okay so
00:35:53
north korea has got to be way longer no
00:35:55
it's slower oh
00:35:57
what's the average i wonder why
00:35:58
who's the longest lifespan is it the
00:36:00
japanese oh it's got to be like the
00:36:02
swedish or something the sweat swiss or
00:36:03
something you know what i mean one of
00:36:04
the no i think it's i think it's japan i
00:36:06
bet it comes from treating the lgbtq
00:36:08
community well i bet it does too hong
00:36:10
kong no dude no they hate they hate
00:36:14
these guys are all bigots japan is too
00:36:15
you see switzerland i said switzerland
00:36:17
number three i was right in singapore
00:36:18
four
00:36:19
interesting
00:36:21
yeah look at this we're not even in the
00:36:22
top ten what year do you wanna die at if
00:36:25
you perfectly what age would you like to
00:36:26
diet perfect would you do a thing if you
00:36:28
could both questions for everybody would
00:36:30
you do a thing right now if you said
00:36:31
you're going to die at this age but you
00:36:33
might if you picked it though you're
00:36:35
going to live to that age but it doesn't
00:36:36
matter you could be a paraplegic you're
00:36:37
going to stay alive to that age
00:36:39
100 100 on the nose i just think there's
00:36:41
something cool about dying at a hundred
00:36:44
you lived a century you ready for this
00:36:46
my grandmother died on her 100th
00:36:49
birthday
00:36:51
she died at about four o'clock in the
00:36:53
morning
00:36:54
four hours into 100th birthday and when
00:36:56
you turn 100 you get a card from the
00:36:58
president so she got a card she's the
00:37:00
only person in history we believe she
00:37:03
accidentally got a card from president
00:37:04
ronald reagan on her 99th birthday
00:37:07
saying congratulations to being 100 and
00:37:08
then she got the second card on her
00:37:10
100th birthday that you know my family
00:37:13
opened what like right before her
00:37:15
funeral so she has two cards from
00:37:16
president ronald reagan different dates
00:37:18
saying you know congratulations you have
00:37:20
these cards where my mother has them
00:37:22
yeah wow i was like i said to my mom and
00:37:24
said i don't think there's anybody like
00:37:25
that might be like a guinness record
00:37:27
that's my credit that's the only thing i
00:37:29
could do this next guy coming to the
00:37:30
stage uh you've seen him on podcasts his
00:37:32
grandmother lived to be a hundred got a
00:37:34
letter from the president chris
00:37:36
yeah
00:37:37
come see me i never heard of that that
00:37:38
the president sends you a letter i don't
00:37:40
know if it still happens but that they
00:37:41
got a letter
00:37:42
probably stop with obama yeah
00:37:46
now you get a [ __ ] email
00:37:49
imagine how much you haven't even
00:37:50
bothered a set you know what you know
00:37:51
what you know bubba don't even say you
00:37:52
send your email they don't even write
00:37:53
letters no more [ __ ] them all i um oh
00:37:56
look at that does the president send you
00:37:57
a letter on your 100th birthday no
00:37:59
the president does not call
00:38:02
birthday another green scene oh you can
00:38:04
you can request you can request a
00:38:05
birthday my family requested
00:38:08
where have we been
00:38:10
dude maybe my you know my grandfather
00:38:13
great grandfather fought in world war
00:38:15
one and he used to tell stories about
00:38:17
world war one that were nuts there's a
00:38:20
documentary called they shall not grow
00:38:22
old that peter jackson who directed uh
00:38:24
lord of the rings he colorized and put
00:38:28
words into like had lip syncing experts
00:38:30
take this old world war one footage and
00:38:32
colorized it and made like the real
00:38:34
thing dude it was
00:38:36
out of control you know my grandfather
00:38:39
used to say this he says a lot of guys
00:38:40
would die in the toilet and i was like
00:38:42
what do you mean i remember being like
00:38:43
12 years old he was like yeah guys would
00:38:45
die in the toilet like they'd be so weak
00:38:47
that their heads would just fall into
00:38:48
the toilet and like they were drowned in
00:38:50
you know [ __ ] and pissed and then they
00:38:52
said that word for word pretty much in
00:38:54
the documentary like a common way to die
00:38:56
because they were all dying of dysentery
00:38:57
dysentery
00:38:58
so they said they had no energy so
00:39:00
something would happen where they would
00:39:01
just fall into a toilet and then that's
00:39:03
it look at don de pettis here oh you pig
00:39:05
perv pig perf speaking of pedophile here
00:39:08
look go go a little bit closer uh how
00:39:10
about this idiot does he look like a
00:39:12
pedophile
00:39:13
what do you think
00:39:14
a little bit yeah
00:39:16
yeah but is it worse than carlos yeah
00:39:18
who's worse no i like carlos we like
00:39:20
carlos we like carlos we like her this
00:39:22
guy look at this guy this guy gave me
00:39:24
covet
00:39:25
he did he gave me covet the first time
00:39:28
he's the one he's the one done that's
00:39:30
his legend is that he gave me coal
00:39:32
that's what i bring up onto stages we're
00:39:34
doing the agora theater in cleveland is
00:39:36
this guy gave santino covent yeah but
00:39:39
you know what no one else really got it
00:39:40
no one else really got it was the show
00:39:41
in kansas city by the way so it turned
00:39:43
out okay the theater had a great time st
00:39:44
louis kansas city was so fun man i had a
00:39:46
great time those those midwest people
00:39:48
came out in droves man and the theaters
00:39:50
were really nice you're did you you're
00:39:52
do you did them doing them i'm not doing
00:39:53
st louis in kansas city i'm doing um the
00:39:55
warner theater in washington dc on mar
00:39:57
on february 11th and on february 12th
00:39:59
the tabernacle oh you're doing it
00:40:02
yeah and then agora theater and uh royal
00:40:04
oak theater in michigan uh in detroit
00:40:07
agora and cleveland march fourth and
00:40:08
fifth those i heard are fun those i
00:40:10
heard are fun are you doing those
00:40:12
and then guess what me and you are doing
00:40:14
great green bay wisconsin we're doing
00:40:16
green bay wisconsin march
00:40:18
24 4 uh march 23rd three march 23 greek
00:40:23
march 24th i'm at the win in las vegas
00:40:25
march 25th you're at the win in las
00:40:27
vegas wait i thought it was march 26th
00:40:28
okay so i'm march 25th at the you're
00:40:30
right i mean it doesn't really matter
00:40:31
march 24th i do want to look it up we
00:40:34
are playing green bay you've never been
00:40:36
to wisconsin i've never been to
00:40:37
wisconsin so we are co-headlining
00:40:39
together you and i at the weidner center
00:40:40
on march 24th and then march 25th i am
00:40:42
at the win in las vegas and march 26th
00:40:44
andrew santino's at the win in las vegas
00:40:46
just make it a chrissy santino weekend
00:40:48
look at us chrissy tino weekend chrissy
00:40:50
tino at the what the wiener center yeah
00:40:53
what did they name it the weed nurse
00:40:54
center i don't know it's pretty stupid
00:40:56
you know we got to do we got to reach
00:40:57
out to somebody let because it's going
00:40:58
to be the off season they got to take us
00:41:00
over to uh lambeau field too i've never
00:41:02
stepped foot inside have you we got to
00:41:03
go you been we got to go you saw did you
00:41:06
say the bad snap did you see the bears
00:41:07
play there no who'd you see play there
00:41:09
nobody i never oh you're never outside
00:41:10
i've never been inside how did you wind
00:41:12
up getting to green bay did you do a
00:41:13
show over there once no one time i went
00:41:15
to green bay to go visit a family friend
00:41:19
uh girl
00:41:20
no no no this is like an older woman an
00:41:23
older what were you doing andrew you
00:41:25
know i want no one
00:41:27
i was kidnapping her to take her back to
00:41:29
fancy b that perv he's like i need some
00:41:30
green bay [ __ ] for me for my list
00:41:33
foreign my buddy's aunt uh and i got to
00:41:38
go see it from the outside but i've
00:41:39
never been in i've never been in a game
00:41:40
up there never been i would love to do
00:41:41
we got to reach out we're at the wiener
00:41:43
center and tell tell them
00:41:44
come on over hey yeah we should bring
00:41:46
rudy you want to go to green bay rudy's
00:41:48
checked out
00:41:49
what do we do there
00:41:51
okay the attitude what do you mean well
00:41:54
there's there's breweries that you can
00:41:56
drink at 18 there you go there you go
00:41:58
a lot of big white men look how nice the
00:42:00
weather is it's 11 11 degrees outside
00:42:02
there's cheese curds you like cheese
00:42:04
curds what are those a lot of
00:42:05
constipated men show her what cheese
00:42:07
cards are you never seen them no they're
00:42:10
like
00:42:11
little nuggets of cheese you put on
00:42:12
fries with gravy what about that tell me
00:42:14
that doesn't look she likes it yeah you
00:42:16
like fatty food they squeak when you eat
00:42:17
them
00:42:20
don't you think he seems the most
00:42:22
pedophilic now after that they squeak
00:42:24
when you eat them they squeak when you
00:42:26
go get your van
00:42:27
that should be a salad that's how you
00:42:29
know a good cheese curd it's fresh if it
00:42:31
squeaks well it kind of does it does
00:42:32
make a little poppy sound it does have a
00:42:34
little sound i don't love them to be
00:42:35
honest with you you don't like chocolate
00:42:36
i love cheese cards i don't hate them
00:42:37
but i don't love them do you like
00:42:38
poutine you know the canadians they do
00:42:40
cheese curds and gravy and cheese
00:42:42
grosses me out get out of town i ca i'll
00:42:45
tell you what i can't eat cold cheese i
00:42:47
can only eat warm cheeses
00:42:50
and cheese
00:42:51
you can't have shredded cheese on a taco
00:42:54
that i can eat sometimes but like if if
00:42:56
there was a cold cheese platter i would
00:42:59
not take a bite out of any of it you're
00:43:00
nuts chop cheddar you don't want to put
00:43:02
a little sharp cheddar on a cracker zero
00:43:03
i've never i don't think i've ever eaten
00:43:05
that once in my entire life i'm stunned
00:43:07
stunned right i do not like a cheese
00:43:09
board you know something and my buddy in
00:43:11
maine maybe it's maine no vermont my
00:43:13
buddy from vermont he puts a slice of
00:43:15
sharp cheddar cheese tillamook cheddar
00:43:16
cheese on apple pie
00:43:18
whoa have you ever heard of this no
00:43:20
this is the thing vermont my buddy from
00:43:22
vermont have you ever done that you ever
00:43:23
put cheese on pie
00:43:26
you don't like pie you don't like pie
00:43:28
apple pie with cheddar cheese look at
00:43:30
this vermont cheddar cheese it is
00:43:31
vermont
00:43:32
it's a thing up there they do that they
00:43:33
put a slice of cheese
00:43:35
on the pie with it and apparently it's
00:43:38
knockout i haven't done it but i think i
00:43:39
i kind of wanna cause i'm getting a
00:43:40
little porky pork right now you know
00:43:42
what daddy's up to right now 206. whoa
00:43:45
you know what you know what what do you
00:43:46
think i'm up to
00:43:49
uh 217.
00:43:51
baby 225. 242. oh
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00:46:02
fatty patty look at my little fatty
00:46:04
patty oh daddy got the dice 242 are you
00:46:07
really 242. my god i'm fat you're not do
00:46:10
you think it's okay rudy that i'm fat
00:46:11
like this does he look fat you don't
00:46:13
look fat but i but i feel fat and that's
00:46:15
what it's about it's about how you feel
00:46:18
you're never gonna get fat
00:46:20
no she doesn't even eat apple pie do you
00:46:21
know any islanders that are fat is there
00:46:23
any filipinos back home that are fat my
00:46:24
mom and dad oh [ __ ] are they short and
00:46:27
fat no my mom and dad are pretty tall
00:46:30
what do they eat to make them fat
00:46:31
because most people i feel like in the
00:46:32
philippines aren't fat pork a lot of
00:46:34
pork
00:46:35
pork products bad for you we're gonna
00:46:36
get bombed for this episode
00:46:38
this episode's bombing this this this
00:46:40
episode is bombing
00:46:43
no we're doing it no we're doing we're
00:46:44
having a good time you know what we're
00:46:46
throwing off because dad's lost dad lost
00:46:48
his voice
00:46:49
um
00:46:50
our dear friend bobby in all seriousness
00:46:52
had to go away to go get help and we're
00:46:53
proud of him and we're happy and i hope
00:46:56
he finds what he needs that's what i
00:46:58
think i'm supposed to say now i hope you
00:47:00
find what you need i'm seriously i'm not
00:47:01
even lying i'm seriously truthfully
00:47:03
considering taking testosterone no you
00:47:05
don't think i should do it
00:47:07
i mean i did i think the downsides
00:47:09
hi you know look what's the downside
00:47:12
doesn't shrink your balls yeah but my
00:47:13
balls already small yes so you want
00:47:15
smaller balls because my sack is they're
00:47:17
not growing into my sack they would have
00:47:18
by now
00:47:20
oh you got so much sack i told you my
00:47:22
testimony is extremely small but you got
00:47:24
so much sack left over you just want it
00:47:26
to be just a sack so you get silly putty
00:47:28
you could roll the newspaper on it and
00:47:29
read it yeah yeah my nut it's
00:47:32
it's so much skin it's like it's like
00:47:35
actually like insane is your balls are
00:47:37
sensitive if i tap your balls do you do
00:47:39
do you flinch like that yeah yeah oh i
00:47:41
do i have very hyper sensitive balls
00:47:43
because a little tiny cause they're very
00:47:45
tiny and my sack is just so thin
00:47:48
it's like a cape
00:47:49
it's a little cape for your ball your
00:47:51
little superman balls it's a little
00:47:52
creepy wonderful right on their nut cape
00:47:54
yeah and um and uh is it hard to trim
00:47:56
your nuts because your sack is so loose
00:47:58
and i can't shave my pubes because
00:48:00
jasmine thinks i'm cheating on her if i
00:48:01
shave my pubes wait a minute she doesn't
00:48:03
want you to clean up i'm not allowed to
00:48:05
i have to have a full bush at all times
00:48:06
if i should i can shave them but it
00:48:08
causes a fight for a year because she'll
00:48:10
like i'm very itchy right now and
00:48:12
especially with the heat on like i would
00:48:13
love to shave my pubes before this trip
00:48:15
but i can't because if i do that she
00:48:17
will be like you're cheating on me and
00:48:18
i'm like i'm not what do you think yeah
00:48:20
i'm not what if you shave your pubes
00:48:22
while you're at home
00:48:23
then she'll think i i can do that but i
00:48:25
then i can't i there was one time where
00:48:27
i shaved my pubes and then i had to
00:48:29
cancel a couple of dates
00:48:32
a couple of nicks yeah a couple of nick
00:48:34
two no no no no because if i i if i'm
00:48:36
gonna shave my pubes yeah stay at home i
00:48:38
gotta stay at home i cannot get on a
00:48:39
plane or go anywhere i can't even go
00:48:41
outside i get so scared every time i
00:48:43
trim honestly always it i don't care if
00:48:46
they've got the newest technology i get
00:48:47
scared every time i do it don't you get
00:48:49
scared every time yeah i get a little
00:48:50
nervous i just think of the like i know
00:48:52
if they're a sponsor but do you use
00:48:53
manscaped because yeah because that are
00:48:55
their sponsor yeah they are great yeah i
00:48:57
know we talked about it i landscaped it
00:48:59
but i'm just saying i still get scared i
00:49:01
don't care right i still get scared
00:49:02
because it's two razors going like this
00:49:04
to my nut sack i still get scared i see
00:49:07
like an old movie when when someone's in
00:49:09
a barber shop you know and he's like and
00:49:11
they you know like ketchup packet and
00:49:12
they fake it in my mind i'm like i bet
00:49:14
you that's i'm just going to get too
00:49:16
close and my nuts gonna
00:49:17
fly out i it's just one ball
00:49:20
stringy hair like to be honest with you
00:49:22
my pubic hair looks a little bit like
00:49:23
carlos's head let me see that's a see
00:49:26
like it's it's stringy like that it's
00:49:28
the top yeah
00:49:30
carlos looks wild yeah he's a wild
00:49:32
looking guy he might look more nuts than
00:49:34
stavros he kind of you know he you right
00:49:36
now you look like guys hello sorrows can
00:49:38
we pull up stavros um
00:49:40
comedian s-t-a-v-r-o-s
00:49:42
stavros yeah is it just
00:49:45
yeah
00:49:46
uh hola
00:49:47
yeah there we go i mean it's it's who
00:49:48
looks crazier to you who looks crazier
00:49:50
carlos stavros
00:49:53
carlos is crazy
00:49:55
well show him the picture or the picture
00:49:56
one when he lost his tooth go to that
00:49:58
one because his tooth fell yeah how
00:50:00
about now no
00:50:01
still carl still car
00:50:03
i don't know i i don't know this for a
00:50:05
fact but i'm just assuming and i'm sure
00:50:06
if we could get in touch with him he
00:50:08
would let us know by the way it's one of
00:50:09
the funniest uh
00:50:10
comics hillsborough
00:50:12
but i bet you he gets a ton of women
00:50:14
because when you go out like that you
00:50:16
are so
00:50:17
oozing with confidence to a woman i bet
00:50:20
you he gets a ton of girls of course but
00:50:21
do you think he's attractive truthfully
00:50:25
you don't think he pulls it off who's a
00:50:27
very handsome man to you oh god we've
00:50:30
done this on this oh you have i'm sorry
00:50:31
i don't know but it's fine but go ahead
00:50:33
handsome man
00:50:35
she loves harry styles harry styles she
00:50:37
can't get enough of this guy she [ __ ]
00:50:38
looked they she cannot
00:50:40
right i just disagree why not it's just
00:50:44
because he looks and this is not
00:50:47
don't get mad at me commun communities
00:50:50
he looks too femme
00:50:51
he just doesn't look fine that's what
00:50:53
makes him high no you know
00:50:55
i want a tough guy no
00:50:57
i want to use your helmet to throw me
00:50:59
around yeah i want someone to beat the
00:51:00
[ __ ] out of me that's what i like [ __ ]
00:51:02
that's why i like tom hardy because i
00:51:03
know he's going to [ __ ] headbutt me
00:51:04
and then suck my [ __ ] yeah
00:51:07
who who out of the comics do you think
00:51:08
is there anybody handsome
00:51:10
pete davidson
00:51:12
i know we did this thing she did that
00:51:14
she talked about this it drives me nuts
00:51:16
so not me
00:51:18
no
00:51:18
no
00:51:19
[Laughter]
00:51:21
not even a little bit
00:51:23
pdd pd we know pdd very well i was with
00:51:26
pdd uh last week at the patrice o'neill
00:51:28
benefit dude bob's uh rich voss rich
00:51:31
foss you know rich foster yes so so far
00:51:33
rich foss he was killing us at the
00:51:36
patrice o'neal benefit he hosted the
00:51:38
show he opened up there's 2 700 people
00:51:40
there he opens the show he goes um he
00:51:42
goes what's up everybody welcome to show
00:51:43
he goes uh bob saget told me he'd rather
00:51:45
be dead than be in a lineup with pete
00:51:47
davidson
00:51:51
like two days before
00:51:52
then he's bringing me onto stage oh my
00:51:54
god he brings me onto stage and and he
00:51:56
whispers in my ear he goes patrice would
00:51:58
have hated you have a good show
00:52:00
did you know patrice no i never met him
00:52:03
i was so i always loved that guy i
00:52:04
thought he was so
00:52:05
yeah i don't know there was like part of
00:52:06
that arrow of guys that were just way
00:52:08
above and beyond then he goes then he
00:52:10
goes then he goes come on guys let's end
00:52:11
the show before nikki glazer writes a
00:52:13
song about patrice because you heard
00:52:15
that thing where she wrote she wrote a
00:52:16
song about bob yeah which i thought was
00:52:17
funny it got passed to me by like five
00:52:19
different people yeah it was funny but
00:52:20
but it was just like good bits what did
00:52:22
what did you listen to it i didn't
00:52:24
listen to it no
00:52:25
is it but oh it's a sincere song i don't
00:52:28
know i got sent to me a few times i did
00:52:30
i didn't see it but i thought that she
00:52:31
posted well nikki's cool enough where
00:52:33
she would have laughed at that joke if
00:52:34
she was in the crowd of course yeah yeah
00:52:35
you got to laugh at your own [ __ ]
00:52:37
yeah we don't i i uh
00:52:39
she's doing i just saw her do something
00:52:41
else and now that you made me she was
00:52:43
doing like a jimmy fallon and they have
00:52:44
like a game show together yeah she's she
00:52:47
gets a lot
00:52:48
dude she's in there man do you like
00:52:50
nikki who's nikki nikki she's beautiful
00:52:52
i think i think yeah are you attracted
00:52:54
to women at all because people under 21
00:52:57
usually there's no um sexual orientation
00:52:59
well there's there's uh the lines are
00:53:01
blurred right you're allowed to do
00:53:02
whatever you want so do what did you
00:53:04
think was is she good
00:53:06
hotter than harry styles or no no harry
00:53:08
styles is the best
00:53:10
so nobody's hotter than harry styles
00:53:12
yeah
00:53:13
on earth but she's also hot
00:53:16
mm-hmm
00:53:17
she looks german but you still think
00:53:18
harry styles hottest guy has ever lived
00:53:20
harry styles will wear nikki glazer's
00:53:22
clothes that's fine and her skin yeah
00:53:25
he's going to rip her skin right off her
00:53:26
body and wear it that's fine there's my
00:53:28
sneaky glazer no so you don't but you
00:53:30
don't you don't want a guy guy guy bro
00:53:33
guy you like a very soft sensitive in
00:53:35
touch with his emotions guy i like
00:53:37
anything as long as he's confident
00:53:39
nobody in the comedy scene no dating in
00:53:41
the comedy scene
00:53:42
can't do that
00:53:44
she's not well you do whatever you want
00:53:46
she's not dating anybody but last time
00:53:47
she told she wanted to get her
00:53:49
what did you say
00:53:51
she wanted her body account to go up oh
00:53:53
my god i know she goes i want a high
00:53:55
body count i was like who's this
00:53:57
wow
00:53:58
geez did your dad ever deal with the
00:54:00
person to be stopped my dad told me what
00:54:03
my dad told me was this
00:54:05
he said um when i got jasmine pregnant
00:54:09
um uh you know now we have beautiful
00:54:11
family when i got her pregnant he said
00:54:14
he goes remember your last girlfriend
00:54:15
when i said you dodged a bullet with
00:54:17
that one and you didn't believe me i go
00:54:19
yeah he goes well now with this one you
00:54:21
got
00:54:22
[Laughter]
00:54:23
that's what he shot
00:54:24
because it ain't a fatal wound but you
00:54:26
got shot you got clipped you got clip my
00:54:28
dad then you got shot again yeah yeah i
00:54:31
shot twice i got shot my dad got the
00:54:32
booster i i my dad never talked to me
00:54:35
about sex really neither did my mother
00:54:38
we went to catholic school um and they
00:54:40
didn't talk to us about it either so
00:54:43
they just refused to i actually never
00:54:45
ever ever was spoken to about what sex
00:54:47
is um i remember i asked one of my aunts
00:54:50
once is during sex do people kiss and
00:54:53
she goes that'd be nice but that's not
00:54:54
what your uncle does
00:54:56
that's what and i remember being seven
00:54:57
years old washing my hands being like i
00:54:59
don't know what that means people kiss
00:55:01
she's when they have sex she's like they
00:55:02
spit on each other sometimes yeah it's
00:55:04
kind of like kissing yeah she goes yeah
00:55:06
your uncle eats my [ __ ] out a little
00:55:07
bit but he kisses my butthole
00:55:10
yup so
00:55:11
did you guys have the sex talk when you
00:55:12
were kids with my wife do you remember
00:55:14
i don't remember really but i think my
00:55:17
dad tried to have it at the mall once
00:55:19
with me and then he was just over out
00:55:20
front of journeys no it's like in front
00:55:22
of sabarov
00:55:24
it's a great spot though that's where i
00:55:26
took jasmine out on our second date to a
00:55:27
sabaro took her to a fat joe concert and
00:55:29
then a sabaro
00:55:31
no swear to god
00:55:33
that's why you guys have kids that's why
00:55:35
bang you're gonna bang her you're taking
00:55:36
a [ __ ] just do it she goes this guy
00:55:38
really likes me
00:55:40
how about this tt jerry who's the
00:55:42
transgender uh puerto rican
00:55:44
member of my family she was talking
00:55:46
about death the other night like i don't
00:55:47
know why she was like i just want to let
00:55:48
you guys know that if i was to die
00:55:50
tomorrow like you guys you made me so
00:55:52
happy and and my life started good and
00:55:54
it ended good and she was like and it's
00:55:56
just beautiful because you put me on
00:55:57
your broadcast the christy chaos
00:55:58
broadcast she calls that she goes
00:56:00
podcast she you put me on your broadcast
00:56:02
well it is a broadcast it's broadcast
00:56:03
and she goes in and you just have such
00:56:04
beautiful and i love you so much and i
00:56:06
started to like tear up like i was like
00:56:08
genuinely like oh my god and she goes
00:56:09
chris why are you crying she goes you
00:56:10
know i'm gonna be stuck in dick in
00:56:11
heaven
00:56:14
that's how she gets into the game my
00:56:15
daughter walked your daughter was eating
00:56:17
oatmeal she's like why why didn't jerry
00:56:18
say they're earmuffs they're they're at
00:56:20
the gates god's imagine you cannot get
00:56:23
in tt yeah he's like watch me
00:56:29
how funny would that be like she just
00:56:31
gets in there and starts sucking like
00:56:33
she's sucking everybody's talk
00:56:35
sucking my way through heaven yeah the
00:56:37
tt jerry afterlife story i want to
00:56:39
animate that she genuinely tries to blow
00:56:41
jesus
00:56:42
why did she talk about death that's how
00:56:44
no it is very i was upset by it there's
00:56:46
much like famous last words of atheists
00:56:49
and for some reason they had like a list
00:56:50
of famous atheists
00:56:52
and i don't know where i thought maybe
00:56:53
it was like tick tock or something
00:56:54
[ __ ] like that where a guy was like
00:56:56
unknown facts about dan and nannan
00:56:59
but it was like the last creepy right
00:57:01
yeah famous
00:57:02
and and one of them was like oh no i was
00:57:04
so wrong but like there was a bunch of
00:57:06
them famous
00:57:08
atheist last words unbelievers in death
00:57:10
voltaire what did voltaire say
00:57:12
yeah i'll i'll highlight it yeah volta
00:57:14
oh thomas payne is a good one you know
00:57:16
thomas payne is no let me see he was the
00:57:18
first thomas payne was the man he wrote
00:57:20
common sense he was like the first uh
00:57:22
first guy to ever go viral
00:57:25
let's see what he said what did he say
00:57:26
zoom in on that can you hear me
00:57:27
he was the revolutionary he was the one
00:57:29
who was he was the first one writing
00:57:30
writing popping [ __ ] against the british
00:57:32
so he's colonial stay with me god's sake
00:57:35
i cannot bear to be left alone oh lord
00:57:37
help me oh god what have i done to
00:57:38
suffer so much what will become of me
00:57:41
hereafter
00:57:43
i would give worlds if i had them
00:57:46
that age of reason never been published
00:57:47
oh lord help me christ help me no don't
00:57:50
leave stay with me
00:57:51
send even a child to stay with me for i
00:57:53
am on the edge
00:57:55
of hell
00:57:56
here alone if the devil had an agent
00:57:59
i have been that one
00:58:00
whoa wow so he believed but how did they
00:58:03
write that down with a feather tip pen
00:58:04
tipping in the ink there's no way they
00:58:06
got feather
00:58:10
me and you would have been feather boys
00:58:11
for sure 100 yeah you know just writing
00:58:13
down stuff and sneaking sneaking
00:58:14
smooches
00:58:15
i feel like me and you like every time i
00:58:16
look at like you know old war photos
00:58:18
like colonial times of the civil war me
00:58:20
and you would be in the back playing the
00:58:21
drums oh sure yeah and we're just
00:58:22
getting hit by cannon fodder no like
00:58:24
those two little fruitcakes make them
00:58:25
play the drums and we're like bam and
00:58:26
i'm like don't bang mine bang bang bang
00:58:29
like we're like boys we came up with a
00:58:31
new song we're a little drummer boys for
00:58:32
sure yeah because we i wouldn't last a
00:58:34
minute
00:58:38
[Laughter]
00:58:46
yeah i would i there's not a chance in
00:58:48
hell i would have lasted in war no
00:58:51
chance the only time i ever lived to
00:58:54
over 30 is this time yeah i would have
00:58:56
been dead immediately 20 years every
00:58:58
other time 16 15 you've been out done
00:59:00
you had a kid and someone would have
00:59:01
killed you for some [ __ ] you owe
00:59:02
somebody money yeah kill you done you
00:59:04
can't fight and i get so many sore
00:59:06
throats or i used to get so many sore
00:59:07
throats that i feel like but one of them
00:59:09
would have killed me back in the day you
00:59:11
used to just die of a fever why did you
00:59:12
get sore throat so much i think well
00:59:14
because one
00:59:15
ah
00:59:16
i was biting my nails a lot and then i
00:59:18
think too anyway what biting your nails
00:59:20
bite my nails oh so you got e coli you
00:59:21
got bacteria from your nails and your my
00:59:23
tonsils are huge my testicles are small
00:59:26
my tonsils are big
00:59:27
god swapped them yeah [ __ ] up so my my
00:59:30
my tonsils are so big that a doctor and
00:59:32
uh ear nose and throat doctor told me
00:59:34
that if i go down on a woman or bite a
00:59:36
nail or get any type of bacteria that on
00:59:37
a normal person's tonsils would just
00:59:39
kind of get washed away but he said your
00:59:40
tonsils are so big it just gets stuck
00:59:43
there and i get like pus bubbles yeah i
00:59:46
thought like possibly and how long are
00:59:48
you sick for
00:59:49
like until i take antibes when you take
00:59:51
any bee you're good yeah you ought to
00:59:52
die you would have died in any of those
00:59:53
you don't ever what something about
00:59:55
andrew is you know when you were going
00:59:56
through your covet stuff i was talking
00:59:58
about you wouldn't even take an anvil
00:59:59
you took nothing you let the immune
01:00:00
system knock it out yeah you almost
01:00:02
never you go years without taking any
01:00:04
type of medicine whatsoever yeah correct
01:00:06
yeah i don't like i never took my mom
01:00:09
uh
01:00:10
gave me a warning one time because she
01:00:12
had taken a lot of advil at one time in
01:00:14
her life
01:00:15
and it gave her these insane headaches
01:00:17
because her body was addicted to taking
01:00:19
all this
01:00:20
uh ibuprofen and the doctor was like
01:00:23
yeah you can't take this every day for
01:00:25
long you know people there's people that
01:00:26
take advil like every day when's the
01:00:28
last time you took any type of medicine
01:00:30
or advil anything whatsoever any type of
01:00:32
pain reliever
01:00:35
none i mean i i honestly can't remember
01:00:37
zero last time i took an advil was
01:00:39
probably like
01:00:40
um oh i took you know what i do know
01:00:42
when my back was bad like what was that
01:00:44
six months ago seven months ago when i
01:00:46
factually fractured my back i took advil
01:00:49
that's it though once i see me taking
01:00:51
any type of antibiotic or medicine from
01:00:53
a doctor i don't trust doctors and you
01:00:55
know that so you you have no i don't
01:00:57
trust doctors and you know that
01:00:59
wow i don't trust them they tell me get
01:01:02
the vex i say kick rocks yuck you said
01:01:05
oh i already got the vax boom there's my
01:01:07
i trust the science i uploaded it onto
01:01:09
the system the biology scientist over
01:01:11
here yeah tell me the chemical code
01:01:15
what's the periodic table for uh
01:01:18
silver
01:01:20
a you boom why do i need a doctor bang
01:01:23
hey you over there hey you hey you over
01:01:25
there i got a fake vaccine card 500 cash
01:01:28
it comes with a booster do you have the
01:01:29
guy friends that have fake vaccinations
01:01:30
oh my god nino's pizzeria absolutely
01:01:32
that's how you get them yeah brooklyn
01:01:33
baby how much are they
01:01:35
nah okay this is true they were about
01:01:38
200 cash in the summer now they're about
01:01:40
500 to 750 because they come with two
01:01:42
boosters because a lot of people are
01:01:43
like oh you're not gonna be able to get
01:01:45
it like it's they're pretty much saying
01:01:46
the fake guys are saying you're gonna
01:01:48
need one booster and then you're gonna
01:01:49
need a second booster so we just got you
01:01:51
two right here so you the cards that you
01:01:52
can get for 750 you're good till about
01:01:54
2024. it's so funny dude new york is the
01:01:57
greatest city number one and then we got
01:01:59
and then we got other guys that they
01:02:00
take pcr tests and they just photoshop
01:02:02
different dates on you for the pcr test
01:02:04
it's all seamless and they email it to
01:02:06
you so if you need a pcr to get it to
01:02:07
somewhere we got boom pcos well when we
01:02:09
took we took that party bus out to go
01:02:11
watch the kansas city game and everybody
01:02:12
had to get tested and i was with chrissy
01:02:14
o'connor you know a little christmas i
01:02:15
know a little christmas i love christmas
01:02:18
and little brisket
01:02:19
was you know like he was so excited
01:02:21
because we were like
01:02:22
we're with travis's family we're gonna
01:02:24
go in the kelsey family booth and like
01:02:26
you know he's like living the dr this is
01:02:28
amazing and he goes and gets tested and
01:02:29
he comes back inside and he's like
01:02:31
pacing and he's ripping his vape and
01:02:33
he's like twiddling his fingers i'm like
01:02:34
what's going on he's like this will be
01:02:35
the worst moment in my entire life i'll
01:02:36
jump off this [ __ ] building if i
01:02:38
can't go to this thing and i realize oh
01:02:39
yeah because if one of us comes up you
01:02:41
know covey you're done get the whole
01:02:43
thing's over no homeless pimp didn't
01:02:44
come out with me uh tonight uh this trip
01:02:47
because he had covered we were at the
01:02:48
patrice o'neill benefit everyone had to
01:02:50
get covert tests all of a sudden i go
01:02:51
down and do the sound check it come up
01:02:52
pimp's gone i said where the hell's pimp
01:02:54
they said he got cover test he got
01:02:55
thrown out of the building i was like
01:02:56
whoa then i texted him i was like pimp
01:02:58
are you okay goes yeah man it's [ __ ]
01:03:00
[ __ ] uh there's no way this test is
01:03:02
right he goes i feel fine there's no way
01:03:04
this test is ready because i got a
01:03:05
little bit of cough but it's from
01:03:06
smoking weed and i was like yeah it's
01:03:08
[ __ ] so i got angry like a little
01:03:09
bit i walked up to the covet person and
01:03:11
i said hey you just threw my friend out
01:03:13
get him back up here there's no way
01:03:14
that's a positive test you go sir we
01:03:16
gave him three pcrs they're all positive
01:03:19
i was like oh
01:03:20
yeah but he but with the fourth what
01:03:22
about the fourth yeah give him four yeah
01:03:24
i mean what the [ __ ] everybody knows
01:03:25
four is the magic number yeah i can't
01:03:27
believe little rudy rood hasn't gotten
01:03:29
it yet either if i you're getting it you
01:03:31
already had it you pig i never got it
01:03:32
there's no way because look at it like
01:03:34
this how did you sleep at daddy's
01:03:36
tsunami's house i never they were
01:03:38
testing me yeah but did you test for
01:03:40
antibiotics i've never had the
01:03:41
antibodies either have you tested yes
01:03:43
well not recently though in fairness not
01:03:45
in the last six months i think you've
01:03:46
had it yeah there's no doubt in my mind
01:03:48
yeah there i just there's no way and you
01:03:51
you're gonna get it
01:03:52
yeah i hope you do
01:03:54
i hope you get it bad
01:03:57
well i don't want you to die i just want
01:03:58
you to feel something because you're so
01:04:00
numb
01:04:01
i just want you to feel like this is the
01:04:03
youth the youth is a little bit numb
01:04:05
yeah they are very that's fine i'm not
01:04:07
hating on it no be present
01:04:09
yeah enjoy live are you on your phone a
01:04:11
lot or you're not addicted to your phone
01:04:12
i'm addicted she watches [ __ ] all day
01:04:14
long that's all she's doing phone or
01:04:16
ipad yeah
01:04:17
never television
01:04:19
no i don't like it yeah see that's
01:04:20
interesting because my 11 year old
01:04:21
stepson we got a big tv for like the
01:04:24
family room thinking like he's good the
01:04:25
kids are going to love this they hate it
01:04:26
they'd rather watch movies on the ipad
01:04:28
they want the smaller screens because we
01:04:29
want to take a big one they want they
01:04:31
want to take it to go yeah they're going
01:04:33
to the movies he was getting freaked out
01:04:34
at the movies he was like this is too
01:04:36
big i don't like this it's too big
01:04:38
i wanted to make the movie strange i
01:04:39
know it's weird what do you like so much
01:04:41
about it you can take it in in the
01:04:42
shower in the toilet out in the backyard
01:04:44
yeah you can just move with it
01:04:46
yeah and you feel too too harbored by a
01:04:48
tv too stationary
01:04:50
it's so weird it's so i mean listen it's
01:04:53
also like even like my child my
01:04:54
six-year-old you know is in school she
01:04:56
has to wear a mask and i get angry i'm
01:04:58
like i want her to see people's face i
01:05:00
want to see this when i see that but she
01:05:01
actually doesn't know the difference so
01:05:03
it's i'm getting angry at it but i'm
01:05:05
like my kid i asked my kid she doesn't
01:05:07
care she's like i'll wear the mask dad
01:05:08
it's fine well because i think they
01:05:11
you know their life is so um easy those
01:05:13
little shits you know she doesn't do
01:05:15
anything no but get your daughter to get
01:05:17
a job no well she's old enough now i
01:05:19
remind her all the time i said delilah
01:05:21
you know daddy loves you and everything
01:05:22
like that but i'm going to need you to
01:05:24
hustle a little bit more because
01:05:24
remember you're not pure right look at
01:05:26
your mom she's mixed look at your mom
01:05:28
right
01:05:29
you're not like daddy you're not you're
01:05:31
like that's not if you're a bits of
01:05:32
daddy right but you're not a full daddy
01:05:34
you're so remember that i mean you got
01:05:38
to put her back in her place yeah and
01:05:39
then she gets it and she you know she
01:05:40
runs around she starts you know cooking
01:05:41
cleaning whatever she needs to do
01:05:43
imagine your daughter becomes your maid
01:05:45
oh my god dude my daughter's 10 times
01:05:47
funnier than i could ever be you think
01:05:49
she'll become a comic book she told me
01:05:50
she told me recently she's like i'm
01:05:52
going to be better than you ever where
01:05:54
that's six years old just right and it's
01:05:56
she spoke right into my heart but she's
01:05:58
right though she's right dude she's like
01:06:00
you're not selling well at warner
01:06:01
theater i'll sell out too she thinks she
01:06:03
can sell two shows at once she told me
01:06:05
she said her first words were [ __ ] live
01:06:08
nation
01:06:09
[ __ ] live nation she said that's nuts
01:06:12
she's an outback girl who yeah signed
01:06:14
with aeg
01:06:15
[Laughter]
01:06:17
she was just very specific no she's
01:06:18
she's funny my kid she goes um we were
01:06:20
having a conversation once and she was
01:06:22
like daddy why do you always have to
01:06:23
leave i hate when you leave i hate when
01:06:24
you leave and i was like baby you like
01:06:26
this house you little [ __ ] i know yeah i
01:06:28
said you like central ac
01:06:30
no so i said to her i go i go baby i was
01:06:33
like daddy has to leave because i said
01:06:34
that's why i make money and she goes
01:06:35
well we don't need any more money we
01:06:36
have this house and i just want you to
01:06:37
stay here and i was like baby the
01:06:39
american girl dolls how am i going to
01:06:41
buy you more american girl dolls if i
01:06:43
don't go do the shows and she goes
01:06:44
american girl dolls cost money and i was
01:06:46
like yeah and she was like go to work
01:06:49
and i was like
01:06:50
and then she just walked away and i was
01:06:52
like yeah this is going to work white
01:06:54
devil go to work and she was like yeah
01:06:56
and dude and you know i mean between her
01:06:57
mother you know and her mother now you
01:06:58
know it's a spin instructor she's got a
01:07:00
patreon patreon.com jazzy method if you
01:07:02
want to go work out with jazzy and uh
01:07:05
you know so but i have to come out here
01:07:06
and do show after show off the show ten
01:07:08
pockets a day and [ __ ] kill myself
01:07:10
because she wants to do spin and i'm
01:07:12
like listen jazz you can keep doing the
01:07:13
spin but you better spin that bike a
01:07:14
little faster and it better start
01:07:15
[ __ ] out bitcoin
01:07:17
because we got no money
01:07:20
you're not in bit though you're out no
01:07:22
you're kidding me i'm christy krypto i
01:07:23
thought you got out i sold it went back
01:07:25
in you sold and went back i went back in
01:07:26
i went back in on crypto on on bitcoin
01:07:28
big ethereum big and then i went on some
01:07:30
altcoins oh you got old cars yeah i got
01:07:33
some wild alt-right coins yes sir
01:07:36
me and george you got me and kimmel yeah
01:07:38
you know the camera yeah you know so the
01:07:40
germans have released 10 new coins
01:07:42
yes
01:07:43
what are you are you in bitcoin
01:07:46
no crypto cam because i need to pay tax
01:07:49
for it no you only pay tax when you sell
01:07:50
it
01:07:52
so you if you're gonna get does steel
01:07:53
bobby have one bit why no he's not into
01:07:55
it i don't know george wouldn't know
01:07:56
george be closer to it than anybody um i
01:07:58
think it's too complex for him there's
01:08:00
no way here it is
01:08:01
do you have bitcoin george oh of course
01:08:03
how many bit you have you own a couple
01:08:04
of bits full bits um
01:08:07
i forget how much i own he's got like a
01:08:09
half i started doing the uh
01:08:11
the uh the market uh i've got a i've got
01:08:14
a fund that had invested in different uh
01:08:16
coins oh that great gray scale thing uh
01:08:18
i didn't like grayscale that one lost me
01:08:20
a lot of money or like so i got it how
01:08:22
much is a lot of money that you lost be
01:08:23
honest
01:08:24
that one 500 but i got deeper into like
01:08:26
the other one wait 500 yeah dollars come
01:08:29
on you're fine yeah that's fine
01:08:31
that a lot of money to lose encrypt i
01:08:33
know people i know people that lost like
01:08:34
50 grand
01:08:36
that got just murdered oh i lost a lot
01:08:39
of money i went in i went in uh a year
01:08:41
and a half ago when it dipped and i
01:08:43
bought all this
01:08:44
i'm sorry it didn't dip i just got
01:08:46
really hot on bitcoin and i bought at
01:08:47
like an all-time high and then it just
01:08:49
[ __ ] dipped you're gone yeah and i i
01:08:51
literally i don't even think about it i
01:08:53
actually what i did is i deleted
01:08:54
coinbase off my phone yeah but i said
01:08:56
yeah and then i listened to one of your
01:08:58
friends vin ferrusso he was like i got a
01:08:59
real hot tip and i lost about five grand
01:09:01
sitting at the comedy center yeah i was
01:09:03
like way to go
01:09:04
yeah [ __ ] palestinian [ __ ] yeah he's
01:09:06
hiding our money yeah where are you
01:09:08
vinny where are you friend yeah he's
01:09:10
loving i love him i know i love him he
01:09:12
is the best did you watch this
01:09:13
documentary it's good i did yeah i
01:09:15
actually think it's fantastic it's good
01:09:17
it's really good it's like insightful on
01:09:19
to what's going on
01:09:20
i know and you know what we start
01:09:21
talking about that youtube's going to
01:09:23
ban us
01:09:24
oh you can't even mention this this is
01:09:25
so funny it's like it's such a volatile
01:09:27
world of oh yeah when you get over there
01:09:29
you get into this weird world of like
01:09:32
whose side are you on why do you have to
01:09:34
be on a side i'm not i'm in the middle
01:09:36
man i told you i am chrissy right down
01:09:37
the middles i um i've said it many times
01:09:40
i have a republican haircut a democratic
01:09:41
brain
01:09:42
i have white skin and this and a uh
01:09:45
black girl's ass black girl's aunt but
01:09:47
you have a you have a republican haircut
01:09:50
a liberal heart
01:09:52
and a
01:09:55
what's the other party what's the fake
01:09:56
party that everyone likes the
01:09:57
libertarian libertarian body i have a
01:10:00
libertarian body yes you have the tits
01:10:02
of a libertarian yes and i have yes
01:10:03
they're milky but they're you know but
01:10:05
they are built from muscle at some point
01:10:07
and my nutsack looks like mitch
01:10:08
mcconnell
01:10:09
[Music]
01:10:10
imagine imagine he has a great set of
01:10:12
nuts could you imagine he's got like a
01:10:14
[ __ ] huge [ __ ] yeah can you imagine
01:10:17
he's been banging aoc this whole time
01:10:19
yeah just punishing her yeah just
01:10:22
that's hilarious
01:10:24
[Laughter]
01:10:26
it's so gross to think about them
01:10:28
together that's a scandal why do we need
01:10:30
another white house scandal again yeah
01:10:32
we need something like that in the world
01:10:34
you know what i've been watching you
01:10:36
ever seen the show succession on hbo
01:10:38
yeah we've i finished the last of this
01:10:39
dude i'm into this third season i mean
01:10:42
that's the best show i've ever seen in
01:10:43
my life i love it have you seen it
01:10:45
that's a good show i think you'd like
01:10:46
that
01:10:47
you guys you guys yeah i've seen it it's
01:10:49
so what do you think i love it i love
01:10:51
jeremy strong's character jeremy strong
01:10:53
is fantastic kendall yeah he's so good
01:10:55
so [ __ ] and i want to live that life a
01:10:57
little bit you want to be that kind of
01:10:58
pompous
01:11:00
you know because they when they talk
01:11:01
about money like what you know like they
01:11:03
talk about like like they'll give like
01:11:05
he'll give his son a hundred million
01:11:07
dollars as a gift like they have like
01:11:08
infinity money yeah it's wild to think
01:11:10
about they'll box did you ever know
01:11:11
somebody like that a billionaire
01:11:14
do i know a billionaire it's a good
01:11:15
question do i know a billionaire well
01:11:17
you're friends with uh what's his name
01:11:19
uh
01:11:20
the knicks right aren't you buddies with
01:11:22
him james dolan yeah no not buddies i
01:11:24
just i've been in the same room with him
01:11:26
but didn't you do a show for him or
01:11:27
something yeah but that doesn't mean i'm
01:11:29
his friend you're his good friend oh
01:11:30
yeah well he's my best friend yeah
01:11:34
i know i i think the richest person that
01:11:37
i actually personally know like the
01:11:39
person i know with the absolute most
01:11:41
money
01:11:43
[ __ ] because i don't know
01:11:45
i mean for me it's rogan yeah but i
01:11:47
don't know i don't know
01:11:48
he's the most money i've ever heard yeah
01:11:50
no he would be the one that most of our
01:11:52
peers would you know but i don't know
01:11:53
him personally so after that
01:11:57
maybe you
01:11:58
no santino not even not even in the top
01:12:01
who would i know who who that's actually
01:12:03
rich that's truthfully like hand over
01:12:06
like [ __ ] rich
01:12:08
no nobody in the comedy scene that
01:12:09
you're friends with
01:12:11
joe derosa
01:12:13
everybody knows he's the richest guy he
01:12:14
opens that sandwich shop you know what i
01:12:15
mean and he's it's a money front for
01:12:17
sure because the sandwiches are [ __ ]
01:12:19
no no it's a money front no it is a
01:12:21
money front and yes i want to make fun
01:12:23
of joe derose and tell him what pizza is
01:12:25
probably the richest person that i know
01:12:26
but but but yeah 477 million couple of
01:12:30
bucks whatever he is the richest person
01:12:32
i've ever known yes he has a contract
01:12:34
for 477 million dollars he's worth every
01:12:37
[ __ ] dime i will say joe's a rose's
01:12:38
sandwiches though no
01:12:40
by the way sandwich is our fifth year in
01:12:42
new york you've got to go to joe's
01:12:43
sandwich shop i haven't gone because i
01:12:45
want to go eat them but i love joking no
01:12:47
no
01:12:48
no no no but no i want to make fun of
01:12:49
him too and i mean he's you know he he
01:12:51
does discuss me in many ways but i do
01:12:52
have to give him credit that those
01:12:54
sandwiches at his shop joey roses down
01:12:56
on rivington street in the lower east
01:12:57
center in new york are fan like the best
01:12:59
cold cut sandwiches i've ever had in my
01:13:00
life truthfully he got the meat from
01:13:02
somewhere specific some some uh sliced
01:13:04
it right off slice something like that
01:13:06
huh
01:13:08
it's good now it's gabagol come on let's
01:13:10
see i want to eat at an italian
01:13:11
restaurant with you what's the place
01:13:12
that we always eat at buy your house
01:13:15
well i'm not going to say what that is
01:13:17
into the mic what are you [ __ ] nuts
01:13:18
oh yeah i forgot we're in the pot it's
01:13:19
so easy with you yeah no you know what
01:13:21
where do we eat i'll tell well we always
01:13:23
go to the spaghetti factory is where we
01:13:25
go the old spaghetti factory whole
01:13:26
spaghetti
01:13:28
you know my dad loves olive garden loves
01:13:31
i gotta be honest with you it's nuts i
01:13:33
don't hate olive garden i'm not saying i
01:13:35
love it i don't hate it give me back
01:13:37
your italian card i've told you i'm
01:13:39
mostly german
01:13:42
so is hey so is he whoa
01:13:45
george appointed george you know george
01:13:48
looks like a nazi though he does doesn't
01:13:49
he he does but he i got my hair growing
01:13:51
out you know this is like when he had it
01:13:52
really short though he looked so nazi
01:13:54
boy it was nazi stuff i shouldn't admit
01:13:56
this but uh yeah when i had my short
01:13:58
haircut i always took uh i cropped it in
01:14:01
real close but i took the photo of ray
01:14:03
fines and schindler's list and i was
01:14:05
like this is the perfect haircut it
01:14:06
looks great on me he brought that to the
01:14:08
barber what does that give him those
01:14:09
lists no that and that is serious
01:14:16
and i'd zoom really in so they couldn't
01:14:18
see any nasty person and as he's cutting
01:14:20
it in spanish he's like [ __ ] put on
01:14:22
nazim
01:14:23
look at that that's who george wanted to
01:14:24
be that's insane
01:14:27
that's a good ass haircut how sexy is
01:14:28
ray finally oh my god
01:14:30
how about him you like him right rude
01:14:32
yeah he's sexy he can get it huh but
01:14:34
he's like yeah but he kind of looks soft
01:14:36
too he looks a little femme you know
01:14:38
what i mean
01:14:39
yeah that that's a very that like the
01:14:41
haircuts in the world war ii era were
01:14:43
were good well that was the thing that
01:14:44
the nazis really figured out was hair
01:14:46
was styling their hair and uniforms i've
01:14:47
said this many times if you want to talk
01:14:49
i don't agree with their politics at all
01:14:51
i truthfully don't i think the holocaust
01:14:52
was disgusting but if we're just talking
01:14:54
about fashion nazis win by a landslide
01:14:56
yeah you go boss uniforms look at
01:14:58
mclemore mclemore that's macklemore
01:15:00
right there there you go there he is and
01:15:02
there's eric trump down there oh no
01:15:04
that's not eric trump who is that
01:15:06
that guy the face of the alt right
01:15:08
what's his name richard spencer
01:15:10
richard spencer is the face of the is
01:15:12
that yeah that's what i ain't gonna
01:15:13
answer that real quick
01:15:15
you were trying to bait me weren't you
01:15:16
yeah
01:15:17
yeah he was looking for he knows he
01:15:18
knows who his leader is i think i could
01:15:20
beat up macklemore
01:15:22
i don't i honestly don't think so
01:15:25
there's something he's like six four
01:15:27
maybe is he is he really i think he's a
01:15:29
big boy
01:15:31
interesting mclemore height
01:15:34
he's got a uh
01:15:35
what do we say six three
01:15:37
five ten five ten small guy never mind i
01:15:39
think i beat him up i think i can beat
01:15:41
up g eazy
01:15:43
ah i see i think g easy might take you
01:15:45
hmm
01:15:46
uh machine gun kelly i think i'm oh no i
01:15:49
think it'll be all these guys kind of
01:15:50
look alike in your mind that's why your
01:15:51
name that's what we're naming the thing
01:15:52
is with machine gun kelly is he's a very
01:15:55
bony if he hits you with one of those
01:15:56
bones you're going lights out yeah we
01:15:58
ever got punched by a really skinny guy
01:15:59
at her if it hurts oh it hurts so bad
01:16:02
playing basketball against him i'd
01:16:03
always get bruises i would look like my
01:16:04
mom
01:16:06
[Laughter]
01:16:10
six four see mgk's pdd six four two yeah
01:16:13
pdd would hurt you six three
01:16:15
yeah
01:16:16
and megan fox and now they're married
01:16:18
good megan good for all these people
01:16:20
good for them good for marriage shout
01:16:22
out love i i've never gotten married i
01:16:24
probably won't get married but i like
01:16:25
being a person you'll never get married
01:16:26
no i don't think so because i had kids
01:16:28
first you don't want any government
01:16:29
intervention yeah and i just for me the
01:16:31
whole thing is like and it just gets
01:16:32
messy i i like the way it is now and she
01:16:34
likes the way it is now you say you're
01:16:36
saying that for her yeah she is repulsed
01:16:39
by the idea i don't want to get married
01:16:40
and thinks that it absolutely adds i i'm
01:16:43
pretty sure
01:16:44
it's two kids
01:16:46
where am i [ __ ] going where am i
01:16:47
going with a full bush
01:16:49
yeah that but you had a nice bush nice
01:16:52
bush where would you go i mean who yeah
01:16:54
what are you talking about what is she
01:16:54
like you know
01:16:56
marriage is tough though so i get it
01:16:58
while you're like i don't want to get
01:16:59
through this whole process we already
01:17:00
got little ninos yeah we can't do it and
01:17:02
i'm like oh you're a family with kovid
01:17:03
we can't do it i just keep delaying it
01:17:05
well because you know the child support
01:17:06
is
01:17:07
it's coming can you imagine how do you
01:17:08
calculate child support see what that's
01:17:10
about i know a buddy that has 17 000 a
01:17:13
month or something i think it's 17
01:17:15
of your gross income
01:17:17
in new york 17 of your gross income per
01:17:20
child i think per child it doesn't even
01:17:22
does it go exponentially lower is the
01:17:23
more kids you get or is it 17 if you got
01:17:25
10 kids earned 70 of the combined
01:17:27
parental income for one child
01:17:29
twenty-five percent of the combined
01:17:30
parental income for two children
01:17:32
how does that make sense combined
01:17:33
pronouns underground because she doesn't
01:17:34
make like if your wife doesn't make any
01:17:36
money it's just all your money that's
01:17:37
what i'm saying so this is just a ruse
01:17:38
to make it feel like it's a yeah it'd be
01:17:40
like 25 of the father's income oh
01:17:43
my god
01:17:45
you're sticking it out papa
01:17:47
you better stick that [ __ ] up you better
01:17:48
stick that [ __ ] up papa you ain't going
01:17:49
nowhere frank okay no you better dig
01:17:52
your heel then you're going nowhere i
01:17:54
know and that's and that's not even
01:17:56
alimony if you get divorced then it's
01:17:57
alimony on top of that how much is
01:17:58
alimony percentage if he gets if no oh
01:18:00
you're not you're not we're not married
01:18:02
but let's just say hypothetically what
01:18:03
would your common law right doesn't
01:18:04
common law marriage ever i don't think
01:18:05
that's a real thing in california it
01:18:07
absolutely is it absolutely is in the
01:18:08
state of california for marriage less
01:18:10
than 15 years support should last 15 to
01:18:12
30 of the length of the marriage
01:18:14
whoa
01:18:15
so if marriage is the last 15 to 20
01:18:17
years support should last 30 to 40 of
01:18:19
the length of the marriage so if you if
01:18:21
you were married for 20 years you put
01:18:23
you pretty much got to pay for like
01:18:24
eight years
01:18:25
right eight years after wow
01:18:28
wow
01:18:29
wow
01:18:30
oh my god
01:18:32
oh my god this is why we got a family
01:18:34
friend that won't get divorced he's like
01:18:36
i'll kill her before i'll divorce her
01:18:37
i'll just he just gives her money really
01:18:39
yeah he's like i'm not if i can get a
01:18:40
divorce he's like but he's
01:18:42
like the house is her you know what i
01:18:44
mean he's like yeah they have everything
01:18:45
i'm not gonna get a divorce yeah he's a
01:18:46
financial nightmare nightmare do you
01:18:48
ever want to get married rude jude no
01:18:50
never right you've said that before what
01:18:52
about if what's his face what if harry
01:18:53
styles wants to marry you seriously oh
01:18:56
look at you now you're changing your
01:18:57
tongue harry i would marry him he's the
01:18:59
only one you'd marry
01:19:01
but what if he said i'll marry you
01:19:03
because i love you
01:19:04
but you got to let me have all the other
01:19:06
women in the world as well that's fine
01:19:08
and you don't care he wants your clothes
01:19:10
all your nice dresses
01:19:12
we can share okay what would be the one
01:19:14
thing that would turn you off about him
01:19:15
what would you isn't there anything he
01:19:17
could do that you'd go that's i don't
01:19:18
want that that would [ __ ] it all up for
01:19:20
me
01:19:22
maybe if what if he was physically
01:19:24
abusive you stick around yeah okay
01:19:26
that's terrible to know okay that's just
01:19:28
so bad she said immediately yeah didn't
01:19:30
even skip a beat yeah yeah i'd actually
01:19:32
want him to hit me what if he was uh
01:19:33
voting for trump
01:19:37
okay so he can beat the [ __ ] out of you
01:19:39
but if he votes for trump that's just a
01:19:40
whole different story
01:19:44
um
01:19:45
oh wow this is the point of contention
01:19:46
wow
01:19:47
what bothers you it's what it is most
01:19:48
people trump if he votes for trump
01:19:51
you're not going to get with harry
01:19:52
yeah but he can hit me he can hit you
01:19:54
okay okay unhealthy to push out to the
01:19:56
next
01:19:57
young girls out there that are rudy's
01:19:59
age this is not what you want to be like
01:20:01
wow he can hit me but he can't vote for
01:20:04
trump if trump was here truthfully and
01:20:05
was a fan of the power would you have
01:20:06
him on as a guest if trump came to los
01:20:09
angeles generally donald trump is like i
01:20:10
want to i love whiskey ginger it's huge
01:20:13
the show's huge bad friends is huge
01:20:16
i went on the show how could you show of
01:20:19
course how could i say no i would have
01:20:20
done it at the height of 2016. i would
01:20:23
have done it by the way and anybody that
01:20:24
says anything otherwise you were
01:20:26
mesmerized by him for four years it was
01:20:28
the most entertaining [ __ ] we ever saw
01:20:30
everyone would want to see what he would
01:20:31
say and also between
01:20:33
between me and bobby and put him in the
01:20:35
middle of us oh the most fun the most
01:20:38
the most comedian of all time would be
01:20:40
dying to have him on yeah because it's
01:20:41
something it's i mean it's like when
01:20:43
people criticize rogan or criticize um
01:20:46
marin for having certain people on if
01:20:48
ever they're like why would you have
01:20:49
them on it's like because that strikes
01:20:51
an interesting conversation that's why
01:20:53
yeah it's just interesting that's all it
01:20:54
is it's fun interesting conversation
01:20:55
yeah you're not gonna like all the
01:20:57
guests so if he hits you that's all good
01:20:59
votes for trump get out of here harry
01:21:01
styles but he can hit you he can re i
01:21:03
mean really like give you a shiner yeah
01:21:05
okay what do you say the police man what
01:21:08
happened to your eye
01:21:09
i just fell
01:21:10
you fell on your eye
01:21:12
how come nothing else is there's no
01:21:13
other evidence of of uh
01:21:16
of a fall i don't know it just happened
01:21:18
i feel like you're lying to us ma'am
01:21:21
is someone abusing you at home no don't
01:21:23
roll your eyes at us because i can see
01:21:24
that swollen eye i can tell
01:21:27
did someone raise a fist to you ma'am no
01:21:29
one's abusing me you fell
01:21:31
tell me how you fell
01:21:33
i was walking with my drink and then i
01:21:36
forgot that there were stairs what kind
01:21:38
of drink
01:21:40
my wine
01:21:42
my wine oh your wine glass oh you're red
01:21:45
wine okay i didn't know that i thought
01:21:47
that you were 20. not 21. that's
01:21:48
interesting yeah
01:21:50
this is five years after oh
01:21:53
yeah
01:21:58
so you're walking with your wine where
01:22:00
at the house at the house that you guys
01:22:01
own together in beverly hills yeah is
01:22:03
that where it is how many stories is it
01:22:06
two just two two two and you fell down
01:22:08
the second first story to the bottom
01:22:10
yeah
01:22:11
that's it i just fell you slipped and
01:22:13
fell but how come there's no bruising or
01:22:14
cuts on any other part of your body it's
01:22:16
almost like i just raised my legs oh so
01:22:18
you fell with your legs up
01:22:20
right so you just slid down on your butt
01:22:21
but like
01:22:23
yeah on carpeted stairs yeah
01:22:25
interesting um would harry styles be
01:22:27
able to sign something for my kid
01:22:30
yeah okay
01:22:31
i should be late again i say we let her
01:22:33
go yeah that's fine i said yeah yeah
01:22:35
what did you end up saying to him that
01:22:37
why he hit you
01:22:40
i saw you [ __ ] [ __ ]
01:22:42
you crossed the line he should have hit
01:22:43
you you don't say that to harry styles
01:22:45
we got to go have a good night ma'am
01:22:48
you said let's go brandon
01:22:54
imagine it'd be so funny one of those
01:22:56
innocent kids like harry styles came out
01:22:57
as like a hardcore trumpy and how funny
01:22:59
oh my god because then it's like it
01:23:00
turns it on its head it's like what are
01:23:01
you supposed to do now
01:23:04
that's the thing with with tt jerry is
01:23:06
she's transgender puerto rican but she
01:23:08
loves trump so it's like what do you you
01:23:10
can't
01:23:11
she's done trump right you've told me
01:23:12
that she told me every inmate in prison
01:23:14
loves trump too all of them
01:23:16
100 percent she said if if if the
01:23:19
federal inmate system could could vote
01:23:23
they would they would all vote for trump
01:23:25
is did she have a lot of trans friends
01:23:26
in prison she said all her trans friends
01:23:29
who none of them were white all of them
01:23:31
adored donald trump is she fully
01:23:33
transitioned now
01:23:35
she's got um um estrogen tits but a dick
01:23:37
so she's got tits but she's keeping it
01:23:39
right didn't you say she's keeping her
01:23:40
penis she doesn't want to lose her penis
01:23:42
she got a nice penis i bet beautiful you
01:23:43
don't want to give it up it's so good
01:23:44
yeah don't you think that that's part of
01:23:46
the whole reason she likes to she said
01:23:47
she likes to you utilize it you know
01:23:50
what i mean yeah she wants to use that
01:23:51
she doesn't want it you know it's a gun
01:23:53
it's a gun she wants to see once in a
01:23:55
while once in a while she pops off yes
01:23:56
so it's nice she likes it do you have
01:23:58
any trans friends
01:23:59
no i have a gay friend oh
01:24:02
big deal
01:24:03
we all have a gay friend right here
01:24:06
you're gay
01:24:09
not necessarily bi
01:24:11
yes
01:24:12
that's probably more true
01:24:13
also the standards are blurred dude
01:24:15
sexuality is on the spectrum look at
01:24:17
carlos nobody knows what he is
01:24:20
yeah it doesn't matter
01:24:22
but he looks like he like he makes
01:24:23
balloon animals without a doubt makes
01:24:25
balloon animals yeah
01:24:26
yeah he looks like the guy that that
01:24:28
that story that gets the tahin for the
01:24:30
guy that sells fruit on the side of the
01:24:31
road he goes and gets the tahin for him
01:24:33
go on a run get me some tahin come back
01:24:36
and call her stands there he looks like
01:24:37
a guy like like in like a movie like an
01:24:39
ancient war movie like you know when
01:24:40
they're like walking into a village that
01:24:42
had just been ramsacked his head would
01:24:43
be in a spike yeah just like that with
01:24:45
the hair blowing in the wind
01:24:46
[Laughter]
01:24:46
[Music]
01:24:49
well listen what i love you oh i love
01:24:51
you god bless you for coming to this and
01:24:54
and and um in all seriousness we are
01:24:57
thankful for our bad friends we love you
01:24:58
guys uh thank you for chrissy's he's
01:25:01
gonna do
01:25:02
maybe another episode with us maybe
01:25:04
we'll see whatever we'll see we'll have
01:25:05
some other guests come through while um
01:25:07
tito bob uh is uh getting some uh some
01:25:11
help and i'm gonna let rudy stare into
01:25:13
her camera right there and go ahead and
01:25:16
um say something sentimental about tito
01:25:18
and then close out the show and thank
01:25:19
people for being a bad friend go ahead
01:25:21
make it count
01:25:22
to bobby
01:25:24
we're missing you already true
01:25:27
um
01:25:30
farted into the mic during your speech
01:25:32
i hope that's what bob would have wanted
01:25:35
take care and we love you thank you for
01:25:38
being a bad friend love it love it
01:25:42
thank you thank you
01:25:44
[Music]
