00:00:00
you two are bad friends you are these two idiots why dude i'm an asian dude you two are disgusting
00:00:08
well you two or something we're bad friends are your levels good you sound good i i
00:00:13
sound good i feel good friends bad new friends bad new friends it's a brand new
00:00:22
bad new friends white friends white friends white friends we started asian hate yes
00:00:35
we did we started it we did we want to bring back the campaign we do bobby's gone
00:00:42
listen hopefully for good let's be real with the fans okay here's what's going on
00:00:48
bobby and i got into a little quarrel about where to shoot bottoms of turtle island he went out on his own
00:00:57
and he is island shopping and i mean this he's looking to buy an island okay
00:01:02
he's searched the caribbean or the caribbean as you people call it yeah and owners call it owners and he's looking
00:01:09
for an island and he's looking to shoot um somewhere next year in the fall maybe
00:01:14
so bobby's going to be gone for a couple of weeks okay so what did i do what'd
00:01:18
you do hello hey chris hey andrew it's the red cockade hi kids i'm on the phone with
00:01:29
the devil i need you to come to the studio okay and to be my co-host for an episode or
00:01:36
two ooh okay um ten thousand episodes sound good you got it bobby's in rehab
00:01:45
druggie he's a real drug druggie what can we say we know you guys knew it he's
00:01:49
the love of our life and i love him so much and and one of my best friends on earth and he's in rehab and you know
00:01:54
what you're not comfortable talking about it because people have addictions and people have problems we have
00:01:57
problems we got problems we got problems we got problems i uh i was here in la the truth stories i was here in l.a for
00:02:04
something else and i was walking past the 7-eleven and bobby was asleep outside of it and i called you and i
00:02:08
said uh we got a problem we got a problem so i gave him a go-go taquito on the slurpee and we put him in we put him
00:02:16
in a nice church fan up to rehab and then i came right here he's at a religious facility
00:02:20
it's called christ first um yeah and uh it's that guy you know that guy from youtube was like jesus christ it's
00:02:28
him it's his facility yeah and he's getting people clean and uh bobby's gonna get uh a clean
00:02:34
sweep and a new lease on life yes because we want him to live forever i don't like man's no more yeah i'm not
00:02:40
gay no more that's his that's his guy that's his guy that's his pastor by the
00:02:44
way look up the average lifespan of a south korean because north koreans got to be
00:02:49
longer because they do it good up there yeah let's say average lifespan of a
00:02:52
south korean 83 years that's pretty good do you think bobby will make it nope oh look at this
00:02:59
george wants to give you a gift this is um thinking oh this is from did you is this the ball gag you guys put in
00:03:06
my mouth when uh you put the pubes in it wow do you have sex toys at home no jasmine has sex toys that um she i i
00:03:14
think she uses them she never used them with me and i think she uses them on herself or uh my little daughter seven
00:03:21
month old violet i don't i think it's the carpenter who does work in our house
00:03:24
i think it's his child i gotta i got some we have sex toys but i got a rooster ring you know really
00:03:30
yeah rooster ring what's a rooster right it's a nice way of saying [ __ ] ring okay
00:03:33
i got a rooster ring and it vibrates and you can put it on top of your of your slang and it uh
00:03:41
on her ding dong or you flip it upside down and it massages your cojones and yeah so you can put it on top for once
00:03:53
it's for her for him for her and for him my friend is a police officer my friend's a police officer in new york
00:04:00
and he texted the group chat the other day and he goes guys i just came from a call you know a doa you know the guy was
00:04:07
dead there he a guy died had a heart attack sitting in his computer with tidy whities down around his ankles blasting
00:04:14
gay porn with a [ __ ] ring around his [ __ ] and he just had a heart attack and he
00:04:18
said like his wife like he has a full wife and kids they just weren't home so
00:04:21
it's like the guy was just ripping gay porn with a cocktail you tell him what
00:04:24
do you do you tell the wife you're a cop me and you we walk in on a guy yeah
00:04:28
right we walk in on george obviously yes who's got a big old thick [ __ ] ring the
00:04:32
fact that carlos isn't gay is mind-blowing by the way he is they all are yeah
00:04:37
he is gay he's just not allowed to be it for his father you know when his dad
00:04:41
dies he'll be able to do whatever it is oh same with me how old's your pop
00:04:44
um 64. oh dude he's in the thick of it nice because everything is gay now he's like
00:04:50
what are you gonna paint your nails you're gay gay hurtling insult where's
00:04:54
your dad from uh mexico city oh oh my the most homophobic city it yeah mexican that's the thing it's like everyone
00:05:01
shits on whites the most racist homophobic people i've ever met in my life are non-white people non-white yeah
00:05:06
look up look up look up what's the most homophobic city in the united states
00:05:10
let's see who hates the gays the most i'm going to say mexico city's got to be
00:05:13
weighed in in the united states or in the world in the world i'm sorry in the
00:05:15
world mostly yeah yeah because the most homophobic city in the united states is boston 20 most dangerous place 22 yeah
00:05:21
it is 100 get out of here dude what your [ __ ] [ __ ] rings in your butt plugs [ __ ] your
00:05:26
[ __ ] [ __ ] quack sackers all right this is the 20s most dangerous places to live for homosexual uh men and
00:05:32
i'll tell you what's not nigeria number one i would say that's just dangerous
00:05:35
place to live period period period i'm surprised it's not something in the
00:05:39
middle east oh yes there you are yeah yeah coming through yeah i'm in big saudi boom
00:05:44
before tanzania taking it back iran i guess why people aren't the problem though why people are the same here we
00:05:49
go we still haven't hit us soon you haven't hit us no malaysia no these are
00:05:54
all tourist destinations but we don't live in zambia st lucia oh saint louis
00:05:57
beautiful island though uh uganda uganda pakistan west bank and the gaza kenya maldives
00:06:05
jamaica ethiopia egypt let me stop you right there 20. i haven't i haven't seen
00:06:10
brooklyn i didn't see queens ready for this let's go to the top five safest
00:06:14
places for lgbtq gays number one sweden then canada white norway white portugal kind of spanish
00:06:23
spanish white belgium belgium waffles i mean i mean so the fed but we're the
00:06:28
enemies where the enemy vote republican only way to fix this by the way you know what we should get
00:06:36
we should get more caitlyn jenners in public office because you want gay republicans yes if you really want
00:06:42
to mix up the system you got to get gay republic now she's against gay marriage
00:06:45
which is the weirdest thing i've ever heard about it's very strange i think
00:06:47
she i don't know if she flipped back but for a long time she was against gay
00:06:50
marriage meet the gay republicans this is a good article see but there should be more gay republicans well i think a
00:06:55
lot of them flip the stigma dude yeah well uh isn't the guy um with the eye patch gay
00:07:00
that guy who's the ipad no he's not getting crenshaw or something like that dan crenshaw i
00:07:05
thought that's why he got a [ __ ] in the eye [Laughter] was it like was it a friendly fire
00:07:11
wasn't he shot by he was trying to says yeah he's friendly well that is friendly
00:07:15
fire yeah hey dan no he's not he's not gay but i do think there should be more gay republi just to
00:07:22
mix it up i'm sick of the same old same old yeah what about there's a mixture on
00:07:26
the nfl there's a lot of gay men in the end but there's one open gay guy isn't he on the
00:07:30
rams oh he's on the raiders he's on that raiders yeah because pirates why was that why would why would why did
00:07:41
butt pirate become a thing where did that come from what pirate maybe um because pirates seem to be not gay they
00:07:47
seem to be like didn't they like loot and rob and rape and pillage yeah like a hiney pirate
00:07:53
maybe because you're going like butt to butt you're on the 7c no they no they wouldn't sleep
00:07:57
butt-to-butt they'd sleep penis to butt this year i'm saying as a pirate would go poor support
00:08:01
you're going butt to butt you're a tiny pirate um but where does butt pirate
00:08:05
come from what's that rudy uh what does it say a rudy queer man who likes to ram
00:08:09
his schooner into another man's glory hole well that's just fun to say i guess
00:08:13
yes that's just nautical talk um there seems to be a lot of urban definitions
00:08:18
for it no origin oh he's trying to say black and he's just afraid to say hey
00:08:22
baby rudy's here come on in let's give it up for the room hey rudy how you
00:08:26
doing rudy um are those kanye west boots those are dope put your mic up to your face we got started without you but
00:08:36
we're happy that you're here does rudy know what's going on it's her
00:08:39
young years it's too much does really know what's going on she the house she lives in is with the guy that
00:08:44
we're yeah so you know okay do you know okay let's ask rudy do you know that uncle bobby went to
00:08:51
rehab you know tito went to rehab yesterday yeah so of course you know she lives there okay you know what you know
00:08:56
she's she acts innocent she's 40. you're a 40 you're a 40 year old filipino man
00:09:01
[Laughter] oh hey rudy what's up how did you learn tomorrow anything good um i didn't go to school
00:09:10
oh what i switched classes and i just didn't go to school because george what what the
00:09:18
[ __ ] is going on uh she did not report back to me this information i like this it's a little sneaky snake
00:09:25
she's out what were you up to then what'd you do when you didn't go to
00:09:27
school i was trying to watch casino the movie casino you watched it yeah wow my favorite you like it i'm so proud of
00:09:35
you it was okay um what why so one of the greatest movies of all time what what didn't you like about casino i
00:09:42
like that there were a lot of like stabbing yeah killing a lot of angry men yeah angry men you do
00:09:50
you like that you like angry men sometimes like andrew yeah that's my thing so wait the stabbing you liked what
00:09:59
would you have a favorite scene do you remember one scene that you liked i just like what's his name robert de niro i
00:10:07
just like that he was giving um ginger a lot of jewelries i like that right the whole movie that's that's your
00:10:17
favorite part that's it um that that she gets a lot of jewelry what's your favorite movie of all time
00:10:23
i don't know don't ask me she hates those questions you can't do that but do
00:10:27
it again and do it more okay how about this not okay what is your favorite movie with an asian american earth and
00:10:34
asian lead of all time who's your favorite asian actor or actress gently who's your favorite asian
00:10:42
stupid tito bobby really he's your favorite asian of all time yeah i guess he's up there for a lot of
00:10:54
people's favorite asian i mean he's up there that's an interesting question
00:10:57
like i wonder if you posed who's your favorite asian on twitter if a lot of people would say bobby lee i would say
00:11:03
mine are um lisa ling love yao ming love it's got a rhyme now okay chango bling chingo bling
00:11:15
uh sing-sing but my overall favorite asian is kim jong-un yeah he's the best
00:11:19
number one you like kim jong-un isn't he either president of north korea he's the leader they don't
00:11:27
have parents i think he's the big dog he's the big papa yeah he's an actor yes
00:11:32
yes he is he's acting like uh he acting like he doesn't want to kill everybody all the time but he does
00:11:37
acting like he might not bomb us all but he's gonna that's where bobby really
00:11:40
want he defected back home to north korea imagine how funny imagine they loved him i could see that kim jong-un
00:11:48
loving him kim jong-un loved he loved dennis rodman who else went up there didn't steven seagal go up there or
00:11:53
something like that probably there was another famous guy that went up there and they loved him um rudy what class
00:11:59
were you supposed to be at today chemistry oh you want to have a what do you want to do i'm talking about some
00:12:04
periodic table of elements you want to you want to uh gold fe what is f e f e is iron
00:12:12
uh he didn't even know that no you didn't know that i did no fe no fe is um is one of my favorite asians um
00:12:22
who what is gold yeah ag is easy because i like ag um what is um barium oh a or br ba or br i think br is barium
00:12:34
but i'm not really sure yo ba baby girl got it do you want to work at somewhere in
00:12:41
like what well i don't i don't understand what the point of chemistry and these classes are at your age at 20
00:12:46
years old why would you need to know chemistry because my major is biology and in biology you need to take
00:12:52
chemistry your major is biology i've never known that i like it i thought i i
00:12:58
that's i thought you were doing something with animals yeah yeah she's dissecting them are you
00:13:03
just killing them you're slicing them up i want to do that i did that i was a
00:13:07
physical therapist so i had to go through all that class i dissected uh gerbils rats cats humans
00:13:15
how come you had so many gerbils on hand [Laughter] chris chris yes and we all want to thank
00:13:25
chris in class for bringing home the gerbils to stay safe with him yes and they come back very excited
00:13:31
and very wise for some reason like they can figure out anything they can know how to they don't want to get around and
00:13:36
they're all they're all a new coat of brown um did i ever tell you do you know
00:13:40
people put gerbils in their butt no this is a real thing yes ah because it just gets in there and
00:13:46
rummages around and kind of hits the prostate a lot and you know it's it's a
00:13:50
nice orgasm because you're you're in your your tush inside of your tush is amazed
00:13:55
pretty similar to what they run them through for testing do you know your butthole is a maze
00:14:00
really yeah your bottles are made you know how your you know everyone has an individual ear every ear canal looks
00:14:05
different your butthole looks like that inside and they used to have dribble butthole
00:14:09
races and you let them go at the same time you shoot a little gun and they and may run around your little butthole
00:14:16
and they have to go touch your prostate and then and then run all the way back out sure
00:14:20
how do you know they touch the process because you oh you because you come everywhere
00:14:24
yeah that's why that's why yeah you see like um a lot of nurses you know they wear that
00:14:30
face shield coven a lot of them were gerbil butthole racers 100 judges i saw a nurse on the flight uh by the way what
00:14:37
a crazy weekend i want to talk about whoa crazy but i saw a nurse on the flight and she was wearing um scrubs you
00:14:44
know what scrubs are yeah and why did i ask you like you're like you wouldn't know what scrubs are uh of
00:14:49
course some people wouldn't she didn't know what um what what she didn't know what um she's
00:14:54
very something was was before no no no it's not i know she's very intelligent i
00:14:57
know you're very intelligent it's just sometimes it's a it's a youth thing yeah
00:15:01
we might have a different word like if my dad used to say don't park by the johnny pump i was like what the [ __ ]
00:15:06
the johnny pump but it's a fire hydrant is that what they call it a johnny pump
00:15:10
johnny pump my dad calls a fire hydrant johnny pump was you with tampa tony this
00:15:14
past weekend i was with tampa tony this past weekend he was wearing diabetic socks uh the girls loved him he took
00:15:19
about 50 pictures and now he has a slide coffin body ache so oh see what happens
00:15:23
he's got roney rhones he might have it but he said he doesn't give a [ __ ] he
00:15:26
had a good time and did he get vast yeah he got vacs he got the boosted his uh my
00:15:30
stepmother made him my stepmother told him it was a flu shot oh yeah yeah that's how that's how we should be
00:15:35
suckering people together yeah she said it was it's a flu shot yeah how will
00:15:40
they ever know no that's what he could you know he just my dad's one of those
00:15:43
guys they have that relationship she'd been my stepmom 35 years ago my dad doesn't do like the paycheck just goes
00:15:47
to her like my dad does nothing she just calls him she feeds him he just shows up
00:15:51
and said what are we doing you know so she brought him to the doctor and he was like she was like you need to get at
00:15:55
least get your flu shot and then she had told the doctor before don't tell him
00:15:58
this is the covet back right or hill's never going to get it so they just [ __ ] did it
00:16:02
i'm going to tell you that's a pretty efficient way of getting it done yeah
00:16:04
did you get the booster did you feel sick yeah i was really i had a headache sore
00:16:10
and yeah did you get it the booster yeah no no because i had the shot and i had kovid yeah and i think it was too close
00:16:19
to i think i'm up official i think i'm uh what is it called i'm like um
00:16:23
eligible for it now in the month of january yeah now i'm eligible for it i'm
00:16:27
eligible in march yeah because you get the second shot was yeah yeah i mean i don't know if i want
00:16:32
to get the the boost man yeah did you guys boost up mm-hmm didn't do anything to me yeah but
00:16:38
you can also i got the booster uh two weeks before i got covered really yup yeah so yeah i remember we
00:16:43
ate dinner and he called me he was like by the way i have did you get call of it
00:16:46
bad were you really sick uh nah it wasn't that bad you know there's an article online about people
00:16:51
that men are losing penis size because of covid i don't believe it though look
00:16:54
it up no no i no i've seen the article but you believe it yes anything on the
00:16:58
internet is believable but how could you lose penis size i think that said something about
00:17:02
skin shrinkage like your skin is deteriorating well that's when you got to get warts
00:17:07
well you got warts throw skin back oh i call it extra skin layers yeah like i'm
00:17:12
like a rainbow cookie coronavirus lingers in penis and could cause impotence so that's why
00:17:17
cause i've been i've i've i've really been actually having uh well you haven't
00:17:20
gotten about 15 years it's been very tough to get around you know jasmine's very beautiful puerto
00:17:26
rican but i just it's like i'm just mashing it up a softy right up against
00:17:32
it's very embarrassing how do you feel about puerto ricans do you know any puerto ricans no i don't have any
00:17:37
friends no puerto rican friends do you have any you have any um mexican island friends cubans i would
00:17:42
think the philippines spanish i should say not mexican they're the puerto ricans so racist would filipinos be the
00:17:47
puerto ricans of asia would the king of china be like the the puerto ricans are the philippine
00:17:52
like the king of spain would say the puerto ricans are the puerto ricans and i wonder if the king of china would say
00:17:57
the puerto ricans are the filipinos is there a king of china no but you know there feels like that feels like it is
00:18:02
the emperor whatever his name jijonpin oh zhang jijwan i want to go to china so bad just to see
00:18:08
the uh they don't want you there why no you don't want to go to china why no
00:18:13
they got pandas in the wild they yeah that's true but you do not want to go to
00:18:18
china not right now because you're muslim and then what they're doing is
00:18:20
they're taking muslim people what do you mean i can pray there no but they're
00:18:23
shaving their heads in certain provinces and putting them on trains into concentration camps out of the europe
00:18:28
dead you know i mean you look as muslim as anyone i've ever seen well i didn't take up muslim and
00:18:33
muslimity until very recently but i've been thinking about it i've been always
00:18:37
thinking man i got to be a muslim some at some point and you're still christian catholic baby
00:18:43
catholic and i'm back at church see it's one of those things where like people go
00:18:46
how could you go back to church with all this stuff going on the priest i said that's why i'm going back i'm looking
00:18:50
for some [ __ ] you were an altar boy weren't you oh yes i was shout out father bill there was a
00:18:56
couple of times father father did he get in trouble yet he didn't but it was funny on the way me and my and
00:19:04
couple of my friends who went to uh the grammar school that i went to in high school i went to there was a big article
00:19:09
that came out in the new york times that uh exposed like a hundred parishes in the new york city area and like 200
00:19:15
priests and we i was read we were reading that list with our hearts like that like i wonder if one of us god i
00:19:20
wonder if one of them got us one of one of them got us and then there was one priest that we all knew and yeah what's
00:19:26
his name uh father bill and oh the father yeah and then and then we were all like
00:19:31
whoa and and it was me and my three other friends and then one of my friends made believe you had to take a well you
00:19:36
know we didn't know this at the time but he said you know he took a phone call
00:19:38
he's like and then he never came back i was like ooh i think he got him no [ __ ]
00:19:43
well but you know you make fun of him it's what friends are for he's dead by
00:19:45
the way yes he's killed himself from alcoholism well what are you gonna do what can you do you gotta hide it
00:19:49
somehow you got clipped i know that's so weird that you said grammar school my
00:19:53
mother says that too but i said elementary school do you know what grammar school is no do you call it
00:19:57
elementary school mm-hmm yeah see did you grow up in the in the philippines yeah she's still there now
00:20:04
she's not here oh that's right you're in the philippines yeah she's in the
00:20:07
philippines this is broadcasting from the philippines uh she moved here only how many years ago two years ago yeah i
00:20:13
told you i don't know if i said this the last time but when i was a physical
00:20:16
therapist i worked with a lot of filipino people there a lot of them are physical therapists
00:20:20
and they're so good because out of all the asians they have the smallest hands
00:20:25
they do that's a that's a fact google's people have the smallest hands she has a
00:20:28
right that's a regular-sized hand no filipino people have the smallest hands
00:20:31
that's why they're very good at massages because they can get in the vertebrae
00:20:34
because they have little baby hands so filipinos have very very small hands so what race has the smallest hands what
00:20:41
race has the smallest hands what do we think i i mean filipinos see malaysia philippines
00:20:48
relative lengths of hand size do black people have bigger hands in any race yeah they have to yeah
00:20:53
they got it they have to they have to have the biggest hands and the biggest feet not the biggest penises though who
00:20:58
do you think has the biggest penises um i truthfully in my heart believe that i think the biggest the biggest penises um
00:21:05
are from um uh uh irish people you think irish people no they're like it's a classic that they
00:21:12
have small penis irish people i bet okay we all know that black google this please we all know that most likely that
00:21:18
the african nation of africa probably has the men with the the biggest penis size who has the biggest balls is what
00:21:24
oh really way more interesting because that's more interesting because that's
00:21:27
not necessarily black men what do you think has the biggest balls rudy what does reddit say huh german
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00:24:22
insurance quotes to see how much you could save what is this ethnicity and penicillin biggest testicles is what i
00:24:27
want to know penis girth oh yeah wow east asian the smallest on both smallest balls and smallest girth
00:24:34
unfortunately now what does it matter if you have big balls does it mean anything
00:24:37
if you have big balls i i would think that it would mean i would think a woman would look at a man's testicles and the
00:24:42
bigger the better because i think it might subconsciously tell her there's more sperm in there higher chance to get
00:24:47
me pregnant which is what subconsciously just sex is yeah i know but look at at the gym that i go to i see guys shower
00:24:52
sometimes i see guys with massive massive balls and really small penises so that's an offset
00:25:00
that can't nobody wants huge balls with a small penis you'd rather have regular balls in a regular
00:25:05
penis what i have that's unfortunate is i have uh i have relatively small testicles but a huge sack you're
00:25:14
so you got to get so much gum down it's just so much skin yeah it's so much
00:25:18
excess did you ever stretch it over your hand like a watch you know you know guys
00:25:21
that could do that in high school no no did you ever stretch it over you could pull it over your wrist could you guys
00:25:26
you know what i'm talking about yeah somebody puts you can you do it carlos i
00:25:29
feel like i can actually you have big enough balls yeah oh that's nuts rudy come on cut it out being gross sometimes
00:25:35
i'll wake up in the middle of night and jasmine has my sack she's using like a
00:25:38
blanket like a snug it's a snuggie that's a love sack yeah it's a bean bag
00:25:42
my nuts are bean bag um i just would rather not have huge balls in a really small penis because i see guys in the
00:25:48
gym sometimes and they're older guys because your balls just never stop it's
00:25:51
like your ears nose and your balls no i'll tell you what i know you probably
00:25:54
don't know this but i'm being dead serious i know he's a close friend of
00:25:57
yours but there's no way in hell travis kelsey doesn't have a huge [ __ ] with
00:26:01
huge balls there is no possible way yeah he doesn't have at least eight with i
00:26:06
would say maybe his testicles might hang ten eleven inches we measured yet the other day you are you seen it yeah i
00:26:13
went to his house i was at his house literally after the game yesterday we measured see that voss bottle yes that's
00:26:17
about that's about oh the length and the girth uh uh soft wow yeah so does he have kids
00:26:24
no not yet because it's i was gonna say it's gonna be hard to impregnate because
00:26:27
you kill every woman you have sex with yeah he does he's killed about 13 yeah
00:26:31
yeah yeah it's insane yeah he's the best i love him to death and the great win
00:26:34
for the kansas city chiefs i got a lot of hate online was dude if one of your good buddies was a
00:26:41
hall of fame tight end yeah and was going into playoffs you'd go and root for them too because that's fun to do
00:26:46
yeah my father's the biggest yankees fan of all time like die hard yankees fan uh
00:26:51
he there was a show that i was doing in the city once and it was host being hosted by david ortiz my dad was there
00:26:57
in the front row like a little [ __ ] girl yeah salivating waiting to just get a picture with david ortiz yeah because
00:27:03
we love i love the sports i just love sports yeah i love the sports what am i going
00:27:07
to tell kelsey it's like shut up these people are idiots they're idiots no but
00:27:10
if they were like oh fair weather fan you're like okay so i shouldn't go have
00:27:14
fun so my career in a place to where i have friends with nfl athletes and i shouldn't go to their
00:27:20
home after they just got to the afc championships insane it's so dumb you remember did you guys stay out till five
00:27:24
o'clock in the morning i j we partied until i had to leave my my flight literally left this morning i left
00:27:29
kansas city at 6 00 6 33 a.m your flight left i landed in la at 9am so you had to be on the plane be at the
00:27:38
airport by 5 30. yeah i literally went from the house to the hotel grabbed my [ __ ] and went to zero zero not one
00:27:44
second of sleep in kansas city after the game no i probably i mean i was packing
00:27:49
i probably slept on the plane two hours of the three hour and twenty minute flight did you did you i'm buzzing right
00:27:55
now buddy yeah well all the guys and i lost my voice you can hear how long did they stay at kelsey's house everybody
00:28:01
was there for a long time kelsey's the party house i mean it was last night yeah it was
00:28:06
awesome was uh patrick mahomes was his brother there uh his brother was in the suite was in
00:28:12
their suite and then they came over to say his brother the people yeah but but his his wife came brittany came and uh
00:28:17
he pat can't hung out for a long time and then he left and then trav and everybody were playing beard
00:28:23
just drinking did coach andy reed come or no and he really stopped by really i buy you a cheeseburger
00:28:30
can you imagine i wonder what a coach like andy reid does when he's done when
00:28:33
he wins something like that where does he go uh just a guy like an energy i think he
00:28:37
probably goes to a denny's yeah yeah just hangs out yeah i think he goes through denny's maybe he just i think he
00:28:41
probably puts on the local news he's the walrus man he's the boss that guy's that
00:28:44
guy's the [ __ ] i i he what does he look like to you what kind of guy does he
00:28:48
look like rudy like does that guy look like a a sweet white guy an angry white guy a cool
00:28:54
pedophile okay okay interesting all right yep he do you think he does yeah yeah why is it the way he's holding
00:29:01
the football what is it look at that always he's saying gib shen send over one kid what is that
00:29:09
no he's not he's a sweet smart wonderful man he you lost a ton of weight says
00:29:14
that about everybody she said that about carlos she said carlos looks like oh i didn't see him yes he does carlos does
00:29:19
he looks like a creep carlos but that's the irony is carlos looks more pedophilic
00:29:24
carlos like this but then when he takes his hat off it's bad what do you oh he's
00:29:27
looks more more like look you've never seen him with all this earlier is that a
00:29:30
word look at this oh yeah okay how about now how about now wait hold on hold on is it on camera
00:29:38
all right how about now now put now against andy reid beautiful the wonderful walrus and this man who do you
00:29:44
think come on by looking at the camera because it's a bit scary carlos is a bit
00:29:48
scary but now put a hat on put a hat on and normal sweet guy yeah there it is take
00:29:54
it off take it off hide your kids yeah put the hat back on hide your wife [Laughter]
00:30:02
this guy a babe magnet dude out when he took his hat off at the trash tuesday podcast i almost fell out of my [ __ ]
00:30:08
chair and why don't you buzz it no uh i like it i think it's funny can i
00:30:11
try to do it i do it is but can i tell you confidence you know why because you're a you have a handsome face yes
00:30:17
because you have very nice eyes and you have a very handsome face so it doesn't
00:30:20
even matter you pull it off and i've seen ari shafir grow his hair out like same thing and it looked it's because
00:30:25
it's so or a guy stavros yeah i love stavros because it's so funny so insane
00:30:30
and i think a woman looks at it's like this dude is so confident he must have a
00:30:33
huge [ __ ] and i'm going to blast yeah but are you single right now yeah the young man is out on the prowl so
00:30:40
ladies uh write in to uh uh give me that give me that beefybald at gmail.com and
00:30:47
we'll try to set you up to date with carlos are you interested in going on some dates with yeah sure some of the
00:30:51
field yeah open it up dude you might as well you know because otherwise one day you're gonna
00:30:56
turn around you're gonna flip around you've got two kids with puerto rican and you know
00:30:59
you're living in staten island and you're floating away what it is you got your
00:31:03
cholesterol's at about 280. i need my second divorce so let's get did you get
00:31:06
divorced you knocked out one yeah oh and you're a young guy what happened just didn't work out we should have just
00:31:13
probably been how long into the marriage did you know you [ __ ] up like a minute like four years i would
00:31:20
say wait wait a minute uh are you guys are still cool though right no she lives in
00:31:24
portland now it didn't end well well i mean like we i thought we were cool and
00:31:29
then i looked at her instagram like a year and a half after our divorce like i didn't look at
00:31:37
all right and i saw she was at all of andreas santino's comedy shows yeah front front row with her tits out
00:31:43
you know what's funny is i thought that that was gonna be the case she was gonna
00:31:46
be like partying and stuff and like going out with rock stars or whatever yeah she's been in a relationship like
00:31:51
the whole time um she just had a baby ooh that hurts last week that stings a little bit did you congratulate her on
00:31:58
the baby of course not no yeah what if they named the baby carlos how [ __ ] what oh my god
00:32:03
that's it's a good name does that bother you a little bit that she has procreated with someone else
00:32:08
i'll tell you this it's so weird but it did not bother me at all not even a
00:32:12
little bit no i was so excited to tell my therapist like every time i was like oh she has a
00:32:17
boyfriend i don't care it's weird she has a baby she's pregnant whatever i
00:32:21
never care it's funny like he comes into his therapist with his hair and his head
00:32:24
like that and she's like it doesn't bother me at you she's like would you like some
00:32:28
medication xanax do you like carlos more or less now that you've seen him without a hat on yeah i
00:32:35
like him more see wow because he got a sweet smile you got a really nice smile and you've
00:32:42
all and you've always had like a nice sweet face i think that's what's that's
00:32:45
what it is though it's like people don't even see it they just see your beautiful
00:32:48
little scenes now did you swap out carlos with fancy because they're like a spaniard first time he got uh extradited
00:32:54
spain for for what did he do for well he had sex crimes yeah you know what's interesting fantasy
00:33:00
i think he was what was he doing george it was like somebody he was like shipping old ladies across borders you
00:33:06
know how they you know they say like you'd see those signs at airports that are like hey if you're tr uh it's a
00:33:09
human trafficking yeah you know and like whatever please report it this guy was taking geriatric human trafficking to a
00:33:15
whole new level he would alzheimer's patients alzheimer's patients this guy
00:33:19
he would trick alzheimer's patients into he'd be like no no we're going to
00:33:23
see your kids i'm your cousin i'm remember and they're like oh my cousin
00:33:27
and he would trick these old women and he'd pimp them out he's been pimping old
00:33:30
men and women for about four or five years you know what's so [ __ ] weird is because when i was here the last time
00:33:35
you know when i was with i was with my kids fancy dropped us off you know we went to the market and dropped us off
00:33:41
and then we were unloading the car and he goes hey do you guys mind if i take one of those boxes of diapers
00:33:47
and i was like what did he need what do you want diapers for he was like i just you know i just
00:33:52
would you just mind that it's kind of for a bit but now it makes sense he was
00:33:55
using them for this small elderly people that fit into yep my kids diapers 100 and they caught him i think they got 67
00:34:02
or 68 cases of fancy babies where did he go do we not know he's spain he got
00:34:06
extradited to spain to spain to espana they wanna they're and they're they're
00:34:10
charging him with crimes against geriatric humanities so he's in trouble dude who knows if he'll come back i know
00:34:16
i'm gonna miss him yeah yeah can't get him back i mean look if you want to go to okay so
00:34:21
we got a letter the other day asking us who wants to go uh testify on his behalf
00:34:25
and george and bryce myself all said no thank you i'm not going to go to court to fight for this guy who's been
00:34:31
human trafficking people that are 65 and up i thought you liked him i do but do you want to go to court for him
00:34:38
yeah you're willing to go to court for fans wow what what is what's the reason if
00:34:43
he's if he's trafficking old women and men and men they're old they are gonna die and the k she's right
00:34:52
yeah do we really care about the elderly here's the gallery let him leave yeah you're right they are old they are
00:35:01
your oldest person that you know my grandma how old is she she's 75. you're great that's like my parents
00:35:12
that's so funny oh it's crazy yeah my dad's like 77. 75 that's it that's she's
00:35:17
she's young and she probably looks young doesn't she the islanders bro they live forever i
00:35:21
know i know the island just that's my favorite hockey team no it's not yes it
00:35:26
is what do you what do you think the diet is that makes everyone the island people live so long is it rice and
00:35:30
pineapples and stuff fish a lot of fish a lot of fish you guys don't eat a lot
00:35:33
of bread no real sweets right there's no desserts in the asian culture um yeah
00:35:38
they're ready no no but nothing like deep starchy sugary it's like fruit
00:35:41
desserts wait a minute don't call it look at it it's the average age of the
00:35:44
philippines 71 years so by the way it seems better to live in north korea than it does the philippines north koreans
00:35:48
lasted how long 83 23. south korea was 83. oh sorry okay so north korea has got to be way longer no
00:35:55
it's slower oh what's the average i wonder why who's the longest lifespan is it the
00:36:00
japanese oh it's got to be like the swedish or something the sweat swiss or something you know what i mean one of
00:36:04
the no i think it's i think it's japan i bet it comes from treating the lgbtq
00:36:08
community well i bet it does too hong kong no dude no they hate they hate these guys are all bigots japan is too
00:36:15
you see switzerland i said switzerland number three i was right in singapore four
00:36:19
interesting yeah look at this we're not even in the top ten what year do you wanna die at if
00:36:25
you perfectly what age would you like to diet perfect would you do a thing if you
00:36:28
could both questions for everybody would you do a thing right now if you said you're going to die at this age but you
00:36:33
might if you picked it though you're going to live to that age but it doesn't
00:36:36
matter you could be a paraplegic you're going to stay alive to that age 100 100 on the nose i just think there's
00:36:41
something cool about dying at a hundred you lived a century you ready for this my grandmother died on her 100th
00:36:49
birthday she died at about four o'clock in the morning four hours into 100th birthday and when
00:36:56
you turn 100 you get a card from the president so she got a card she's the only person in history we believe she
00:37:03
accidentally got a card from president ronald reagan on her 99th birthday saying congratulations to being 100 and
00:37:08
then she got the second card on her 100th birthday that you know my family opened what like right before her
00:37:15
funeral so she has two cards from president ronald reagan different dates saying you know congratulations you have
00:37:20
these cards where my mother has them yeah wow i was like i said to my mom and said i don't think there's anybody like
00:37:25
that might be like a guinness record that's my credit that's the only thing i
00:37:29
could do this next guy coming to the stage uh you've seen him on podcasts his
00:37:32
grandmother lived to be a hundred got a letter from the president chris yeah come see me i never heard of that that
00:37:38
the president sends you a letter i don't know if it still happens but that they
00:37:41
got a letter probably stop with obama yeah now you get a [ __ ] email imagine how much you haven't even
00:37:50
bothered a set you know what you know what you know bubba don't even say you
00:37:52
send your email they don't even write letters no more [ __ ] them all i um oh
00:37:56
look at that does the president send you a letter on your 100th birthday no the president does not call
00:38:02
birthday another green scene oh you can you can request you can request a birthday my family requested
00:38:08
where have we been dude maybe my you know my grandfather great grandfather fought in world war
00:38:15
one and he used to tell stories about world war one that were nuts there's a
00:38:20
documentary called they shall not grow old that peter jackson who directed uh lord of the rings he colorized and put
00:38:28
words into like had lip syncing experts take this old world war one footage and colorized it and made like the real
00:38:34
thing dude it was out of control you know my grandfather used to say this he says a lot of guys
00:38:40
would die in the toilet and i was like what do you mean i remember being like 12 years old he was like yeah guys would
00:38:45
die in the toilet like they'd be so weak that their heads would just fall into
00:38:48
the toilet and like they were drowned in you know [ __ ] and pissed and then they
00:38:52
said that word for word pretty much in the documentary like a common way to die because they were all dying of dysentery
00:38:57
dysentery so they said they had no energy so something would happen where they would
00:39:01
just fall into a toilet and then that's it look at don de pettis here oh you pig
00:39:05
perv pig perf speaking of pedophile here look go go a little bit closer uh how about this idiot does he look like a
00:39:12
pedophile what do you think a little bit yeah yeah but is it worse than carlos yeah
00:39:18
who's worse no i like carlos we like carlos we like carlos we like her this guy look at this guy this guy gave me
00:39:24
covet he did he gave me covet the first time he's the one he's the one done that's
00:39:30
his legend is that he gave me coal that's what i bring up onto stages we're
00:39:34
doing the agora theater in cleveland is this guy gave santino covent yeah but you know what no one else really got it
00:39:40
no one else really got it was the show in kansas city by the way so it turned out okay the theater had a great time st
00:39:44
louis kansas city was so fun man i had a great time those those midwest people came out in droves man and the theaters
00:39:50
were really nice you're did you you're do you did them doing them i'm not doing
00:39:53
st louis in kansas city i'm doing um the warner theater in washington dc on mar
00:39:57
on february 11th and on february 12th the tabernacle oh you're doing it yeah and then agora theater and uh royal
00:40:04
oak theater in michigan uh in detroit agora and cleveland march fourth and fifth those i heard are fun those i
00:40:10
heard are fun are you doing those and then guess what me and you are doing great green bay wisconsin we're doing
00:40:16
green bay wisconsin march 24 4 uh march 23rd three march 23 greek march 24th i'm at the win in las vegas
00:40:25
march 25th you're at the win in las vegas wait i thought it was march 26th okay so i'm march 25th at the you're
00:40:30
right i mean it doesn't really matter march 24th i do want to look it up we are playing green bay you've never been
00:40:36
to wisconsin i've never been to wisconsin so we are co-headlining together you and i at the weidner center
00:40:40
on march 24th and then march 25th i am at the win in las vegas and march 26th andrew santino's at the win in las vegas
00:40:46
just make it a chrissy santino weekend look at us chrissy tino weekend chrissy tino at the what the wiener center yeah
00:40:53
what did they name it the weed nurse center i don't know it's pretty stupid
00:40:56
you know we got to do we got to reach out to somebody let because it's going
00:40:58
to be the off season they got to take us over to uh lambeau field too i've never
00:41:02
stepped foot inside have you we got to go you been we got to go you saw did you say the bad snap did you see the bears
00:41:07
play there no who'd you see play there nobody i never oh you're never outside
00:41:10
i've never been inside how did you wind up getting to green bay did you do a
00:41:13
show over there once no one time i went to green bay to go visit a family friend
00:41:19
uh girl no no no this is like an older woman an older what were you doing andrew you
00:41:25
know i want no one i was kidnapping her to take her back to fancy b that perv he's like i need some
00:41:30
green bay [ __ ] for me for my list foreign my buddy's aunt uh and i got to go see it from the outside but i've
00:41:39
never been in i've never been in a game up there never been i would love to do
00:41:41
we got to reach out we're at the wiener center and tell tell them come on over hey yeah we should bring
00:41:46
rudy you want to go to green bay rudy's checked out what do we do there okay the attitude what do you mean well
00:41:54
there's there's breweries that you can drink at 18 there you go there you go
00:41:58
a lot of big white men look how nice the weather is it's 11 11 degrees outside
00:42:02
there's cheese curds you like cheese curds what are those a lot of constipated men show her what cheese
00:42:07
cards are you never seen them no they're like little nuggets of cheese you put on
00:42:12
fries with gravy what about that tell me that doesn't look she likes it yeah you
00:42:16
like fatty food they squeak when you eat them don't you think he seems the most
00:42:22
pedophilic now after that they squeak when you eat them they squeak when you go get your van
00:42:27
that should be a salad that's how you know a good cheese curd it's fresh if it
00:42:31
squeaks well it kind of does it does make a little poppy sound it does have a little sound i don't love them to be
00:42:35
honest with you you don't like chocolate i love cheese cards i don't hate them
00:42:37
but i don't love them do you like poutine you know the canadians they do cheese curds and gravy and cheese
00:42:42
grosses me out get out of town i ca i'll tell you what i can't eat cold cheese i
00:42:47
can only eat warm cheeses and cheese you can't have shredded cheese on a taco
00:42:54
that i can eat sometimes but like if if there was a cold cheese platter i would not take a bite out of any of it you're
00:43:00
nuts chop cheddar you don't want to put a little sharp cheddar on a cracker zero
00:43:03
i've never i don't think i've ever eaten that once in my entire life i'm stunned
00:43:07
stunned right i do not like a cheese board you know something and my buddy in maine maybe it's maine no vermont my
00:43:13
buddy from vermont he puts a slice of sharp cheddar cheese tillamook cheddar cheese on apple pie
00:43:18
whoa have you ever heard of this no this is the thing vermont my buddy from vermont have you ever done that you ever
00:43:23
put cheese on pie you don't like pie you don't like pie apple pie with cheddar cheese look at
00:43:30
this vermont cheddar cheese it is vermont it's a thing up there they do that they
00:43:33
put a slice of cheese on the pie with it and apparently it's knockout i haven't done it but i think i
00:43:39
i kind of wanna cause i'm getting a little porky pork right now you know what daddy's up to right now 206. whoa
00:43:45
you know what you know what what do you think i'm up to uh 217. baby 225. 242. oh
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handled with carrick ship station is the best ship more in less time with ship station use our offer code bad friends
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stress free shipping just go to shipstation.com click on the microphone at the top of the page and type in bad
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friends ship station make ship happen fatty patty look at my little fatty patty oh daddy got the dice 242 are you
00:46:07
really 242. my god i'm fat you're not do you think it's okay rudy that i'm fat
00:46:11
like this does he look fat you don't look fat but i but i feel fat and that's
00:46:15
what it's about it's about how you feel you're never gonna get fat no she doesn't even eat apple pie do you
00:46:21
know any islanders that are fat is there any filipinos back home that are fat my
00:46:24
mom and dad oh [ __ ] are they short and fat no my mom and dad are pretty tall what do they eat to make them fat
00:46:31
because most people i feel like in the philippines aren't fat pork a lot of pork
00:46:35
pork products bad for you we're gonna get bombed for this episode this episode's bombing this this this
00:46:40
episode is bombing no we're doing it no we're doing we're having a good time you know what we're
00:46:46
throwing off because dad's lost dad lost his voice um our dear friend bobby in all seriousness
00:46:52
had to go away to go get help and we're proud of him and we're happy and i hope
00:46:56
he finds what he needs that's what i think i'm supposed to say now i hope you
00:47:00
find what you need i'm seriously i'm not even lying i'm seriously truthfully
00:47:03
considering taking testosterone no you don't think i should do it i mean i did i think the downsides
00:47:09
hi you know look what's the downside doesn't shrink your balls yeah but my
00:47:13
balls already small yes so you want smaller balls because my sack is they're
00:47:17
not growing into my sack they would have by now oh you got so much sack i told you my
00:47:22
testimony is extremely small but you got so much sack left over you just want it
00:47:26
to be just a sack so you get silly putty you could roll the newspaper on it and read it yeah yeah my nut it's
00:47:32
it's so much skin it's like it's like actually like insane is your balls are
00:47:37
sensitive if i tap your balls do you do do you flinch like that yeah yeah oh i do i have very hyper sensitive balls
00:47:43
because a little tiny cause they're very tiny and my sack is just so thin it's like a cape
00:47:49
it's a little cape for your ball your little superman balls it's a little
00:47:52
creepy wonderful right on their nut cape yeah and um and uh is it hard to trim your nuts because your sack is so loose
00:47:58
and i can't shave my pubes because jasmine thinks i'm cheating on her if i
00:48:01
shave my pubes wait a minute she doesn't want you to clean up i'm not allowed to
00:48:05
i have to have a full bush at all times if i should i can shave them but it causes a fight for a year because she'll
00:48:10
like i'm very itchy right now and especially with the heat on like i would love to shave my pubes before this trip
00:48:15
but i can't because if i do that she will be like you're cheating on me and
00:48:18
i'm like i'm not what do you think yeah i'm not what if you shave your pubes
00:48:22
while you're at home then she'll think i i can do that but i then i can't i there was one time where
00:48:27
i shaved my pubes and then i had to cancel a couple of dates a couple of nicks yeah a couple of nick
00:48:34
two no no no no because if i i if i'm gonna shave my pubes yeah stay at home i
00:48:38
gotta stay at home i cannot get on a plane or go anywhere i can't even go outside i get so scared every time i
00:48:43
trim honestly always it i don't care if they've got the newest technology i get
00:48:47
scared every time i do it don't you get scared every time yeah i get a little
00:48:50
nervous i just think of the like i know if they're a sponsor but do you use manscaped because yeah because that are
00:48:55
their sponsor yeah they are great yeah i know we talked about it i landscaped it
00:48:59
but i'm just saying i still get scared i don't care right i still get scared
00:49:02
because it's two razors going like this to my nut sack i still get scared i see
00:49:07
like an old movie when when someone's in a barber shop you know and he's like and
00:49:11
they you know like ketchup packet and they fake it in my mind i'm like i bet
00:49:14
you that's i'm just going to get too close and my nuts gonna fly out i it's just one ball
00:49:20
stringy hair like to be honest with you my pubic hair looks a little bit like carlos's head let me see that's a see
00:49:26
like it's it's stringy like that it's the top yeah carlos looks wild yeah he's a wild
00:49:32
looking guy he might look more nuts than stavros he kind of you know he you right
00:49:36
now you look like guys hello sorrows can we pull up stavros um comedian s-t-a-v-r-o-s
00:49:42
stavros yeah is it just yeah uh hola yeah there we go i mean it's it's who
00:49:48
looks crazier to you who looks crazier carlos stavros carlos is crazy well show him the picture or the picture
00:49:56
one when he lost his tooth go to that one because his tooth fell yeah how about now no
00:50:01
still carl still car i don't know i i don't know this for a fact but i'm just assuming and i'm sure
00:50:06
if we could get in touch with him he would let us know by the way it's one of
00:50:09
the funniest uh comics hillsborough but i bet you he gets a ton of women because when you go out like that you
00:50:16
are so oozing with confidence to a woman i bet you he gets a ton of girls of course but
00:50:21
do you think he's attractive truthfully you don't think he pulls it off who's a
00:50:27
very handsome man to you oh god we've done this on this oh you have i'm sorry
00:50:31
i don't know but it's fine but go ahead handsome man she loves harry styles harry styles she
00:50:37
can't get enough of this guy she [ __ ] looked they she cannot right i just disagree why not it's just
00:50:44
because he looks and this is not don't get mad at me commun communities he looks too femme
00:50:51
he just doesn't look fine that's what makes him high no you know i want a tough guy no
00:50:57
i want to use your helmet to throw me around yeah i want someone to beat the [ __ ] out of me that's what i like [ __ ]
00:51:02
that's why i like tom hardy because i know he's going to [ __ ] headbutt me
00:51:04
and then suck my [ __ ] yeah who who out of the comics do you think is there anybody handsome
00:51:10
pete davidson i know we did this thing she did that she talked about this it drives me nuts
00:51:16
so not me no no [Laughter] not even a little bit pdd pd we know pdd very well i was with
00:51:26
pdd uh last week at the patrice o'neill benefit dude bob's uh rich voss rich
00:51:31
foss you know rich foster yes so so far rich foss he was killing us at the patrice o'neal benefit he hosted the
00:51:38
show he opened up there's 2 700 people there he opens the show he goes um he
00:51:42
goes what's up everybody welcome to show he goes uh bob saget told me he'd rather
00:51:45
be dead than be in a lineup with pete davidson like two days before then he's bringing me onto stage oh my
00:51:54
god he brings me onto stage and and he whispers in my ear he goes patrice would have hated you have a good show
00:52:00
did you know patrice no i never met him i was so i always loved that guy i thought he was so
00:52:05
yeah i don't know there was like part of that arrow of guys that were just way
00:52:08
above and beyond then he goes then he goes then he goes come on guys let's end
00:52:11
the show before nikki glazer writes a song about patrice because you heard that thing where she wrote she wrote a
00:52:16
song about bob yeah which i thought was funny it got passed to me by like five different people yeah it was funny but
00:52:20
but it was just like good bits what did what did you listen to it i didn't listen to it no
00:52:25
is it but oh it's a sincere song i don't know i got sent to me a few times i did
00:52:30
i didn't see it but i thought that she posted well nikki's cool enough where
00:52:33
she would have laughed at that joke if she was in the crowd of course yeah yeah you got to laugh at your own [ __ ]
00:52:37
yeah we don't i i uh she's doing i just saw her do something else and now that you made me she was
00:52:43
doing like a jimmy fallon and they have like a game show together yeah she's she
00:52:47
gets a lot dude she's in there man do you like nikki who's nikki nikki she's beautiful
00:52:52
i think i think yeah are you attracted to women at all because people under 21 usually there's no um sexual orientation
00:52:59
well there's there's uh the lines are blurred right you're allowed to do
00:53:02
whatever you want so do what did you think was is she good hotter than harry styles or no no harry
00:53:08
styles is the best so nobody's hotter than harry styles yeah on earth but she's also hot
00:53:16
mm-hmm she looks german but you still think harry styles hottest guy has ever lived
00:53:20
harry styles will wear nikki glazer's clothes that's fine and her skin yeah
00:53:25
he's going to rip her skin right off her body and wear it that's fine there's my
00:53:28
sneaky glazer no so you don't but you don't you don't want a guy guy guy bro
00:53:33
guy you like a very soft sensitive in touch with his emotions guy i like anything as long as he's confident
00:53:39
nobody in the comedy scene no dating in the comedy scene can't do that she's not well you do whatever you want
00:53:46
she's not dating anybody but last time she told she wanted to get her what did you say
00:53:51
she wanted her body account to go up oh my god i know she goes i want a high body count i was like who's this
00:53:57
wow geez did your dad ever deal with the person to be stopped my dad told me what
00:54:03
my dad told me was this he said um when i got jasmine pregnant um uh you know now we have beautiful
00:54:11
family when i got her pregnant he said he goes remember your last girlfriend when i said you dodged a bullet with
00:54:17
that one and you didn't believe me i go yeah he goes well now with this one you
00:54:21
got [Laughter] that's what he shot because it ain't a fatal wound but you
00:54:26
got shot you got clipped you got clip my dad then you got shot again yeah yeah i
00:54:31
shot twice i got shot my dad got the booster i i my dad never talked to me about sex really neither did my mother
00:54:38
we went to catholic school um and they didn't talk to us about it either so they just refused to i actually never
00:54:45
ever ever was spoken to about what sex is um i remember i asked one of my aunts once is during sex do people kiss and
00:54:53
she goes that'd be nice but that's not what your uncle does that's what and i remember being seven
00:54:57
years old washing my hands being like i don't know what that means people kiss
00:55:01
she's when they have sex she's like they spit on each other sometimes yeah it's
00:55:04
kind of like kissing yeah she goes yeah your uncle eats my [ __ ] out a little bit but he kisses my butthole
00:55:10
yup so did you guys have the sex talk when you were kids with my wife do you remember
00:55:14
i don't remember really but i think my dad tried to have it at the mall once
00:55:19
with me and then he was just over out front of journeys no it's like in front
00:55:22
of sabarov it's a great spot though that's where i took jasmine out on our second date to a
00:55:27
sabaro took her to a fat joe concert and then a sabaro no swear to god that's why you guys have kids that's why
00:55:35
bang you're gonna bang her you're taking a [ __ ] just do it she goes this guy
00:55:38
really likes me how about this tt jerry who's the transgender uh puerto rican
00:55:44
member of my family she was talking about death the other night like i don't
00:55:47
know why she was like i just want to let you guys know that if i was to die tomorrow like you guys you made me so
00:55:52
happy and and my life started good and it ended good and she was like and it's
00:55:56
just beautiful because you put me on your broadcast the christy chaos broadcast she calls that she goes
00:56:00
podcast she you put me on your broadcast well it is a broadcast it's broadcast
00:56:03
and she goes in and you just have such beautiful and i love you so much and i started to like tear up like i was like
00:56:08
genuinely like oh my god and she goes chris why are you crying she goes you know i'm gonna be stuck in dick in
00:56:11
heaven that's how she gets into the game my daughter walked your daughter was eating
00:56:17
oatmeal she's like why why didn't jerry say they're earmuffs they're they're at
00:56:20
the gates god's imagine you cannot get in tt yeah he's like watch me how funny would that be like she just
00:56:31
gets in there and starts sucking like she's sucking everybody's talk sucking my way through heaven yeah the
00:56:37
tt jerry afterlife story i want to animate that she genuinely tries to blow jesus
00:56:42
why did she talk about death that's how no it is very i was upset by it there's
00:56:46
much like famous last words of atheists and for some reason they had like a list
00:56:50
of famous atheists and i don't know where i thought maybe it was like tick tock or something
00:56:54
[ __ ] like that where a guy was like unknown facts about dan and nannan but it was like the last creepy right
00:57:01
yeah famous and and one of them was like oh no i was so wrong but like there was a bunch of
00:57:06
them famous atheist last words unbelievers in death voltaire what did voltaire say
00:57:12
yeah i'll i'll highlight it yeah volta oh thomas payne is a good one you know
00:57:16
thomas payne is no let me see he was the first thomas payne was the man he wrote
00:57:20
common sense he was like the first uh first guy to ever go viral let's see what he said what did he say
00:57:26
zoom in on that can you hear me he was the revolutionary he was the one who was he was the first one writing
00:57:30
writing popping [ __ ] against the british so he's colonial stay with me god's sake
00:57:35
i cannot bear to be left alone oh lord help me oh god what have i done to suffer so much what will become of me
00:57:41
hereafter i would give worlds if i had them that age of reason never been published
00:57:47
oh lord help me christ help me no don't leave stay with me send even a child to stay with me for i
00:57:53
am on the edge of hell here alone if the devil had an agent i have been that one
00:58:00
whoa wow so he believed but how did they write that down with a feather tip pen tipping in the ink there's no way they
00:58:06
got feather me and you would have been feather boys for sure 100 yeah you know just writing
00:58:13
down stuff and sneaking sneaking smooches i feel like me and you like every time i
00:58:16
look at like you know old war photos like colonial times of the civil war me and you would be in the back playing the
00:58:21
drums oh sure yeah and we're just getting hit by cannon fodder no like those two little fruitcakes make them
00:58:25
play the drums and we're like bam and i'm like don't bang mine bang bang bang
00:58:29
like we're like boys we came up with a new song we're a little drummer boys for
00:58:32
sure yeah because we i wouldn't last a minute [Laughter] yeah i would i there's not a chance in
00:58:48
hell i would have lasted in war no chance the only time i ever lived to over 30 is this time yeah i would have
00:58:56
been dead immediately 20 years every other time 16 15 you've been out done you had a kid and someone would have
00:59:01
killed you for some [ __ ] you owe somebody money yeah kill you done you can't fight and i get so many sore
00:59:06
throats or i used to get so many sore throats that i feel like but one of them would have killed me back in the day you
00:59:11
used to just die of a fever why did you get sore throat so much i think well because one
00:59:15
ah i was biting my nails a lot and then i think too anyway what biting your nails
00:59:20
bite my nails oh so you got e coli you got bacteria from your nails and your my tonsils are huge my testicles are small
00:59:26
my tonsils are big god swapped them yeah [ __ ] up so my my my tonsils are so big that a doctor and
00:59:32
uh ear nose and throat doctor told me that if i go down on a woman or bite a nail or get any type of bacteria that on
00:59:37
a normal person's tonsils would just kind of get washed away but he said your
00:59:40
tonsils are so big it just gets stuck there and i get like pus bubbles yeah i thought like possibly and how long are
00:59:48
you sick for like until i take antibes when you take any bee you're good yeah you ought to
00:59:52
die you would have died in any of those you don't ever what something about andrew is you know when you were going
00:59:56
through your covet stuff i was talking about you wouldn't even take an anvil
00:59:59
you took nothing you let the immune system knock it out yeah you almost never you go years without taking any
01:00:04
type of medicine whatsoever yeah correct yeah i don't like i never took my mom
01:00:09
uh gave me a warning one time because she had taken a lot of advil at one time in
01:00:14
her life and it gave her these insane headaches because her body was addicted to taking
01:00:19
all this uh ibuprofen and the doctor was like yeah you can't take this every day for
01:00:25
long you know people there's people that take advil like every day when's the
01:00:28
last time you took any type of medicine or advil anything whatsoever any type of
01:00:32
pain reliever none i mean i i honestly can't remember zero last time i took an advil was
01:00:39
probably like um oh i took you know what i do know when my back was bad like what was that
01:00:44
six months ago seven months ago when i factually fractured my back i took advil that's it though once i see me taking
01:00:51
any type of antibiotic or medicine from a doctor i don't trust doctors and you
01:00:55
know that so you you have no i don't trust doctors and you know that wow i don't trust them they tell me get
01:01:02
the vex i say kick rocks yuck you said oh i already got the vax boom there's my
01:01:07
i trust the science i uploaded it onto the system the biology scientist over here yeah tell me the chemical code
01:01:15
what's the periodic table for uh silver a you boom why do i need a doctor bang
01:01:23
hey you over there hey you hey you over there i got a fake vaccine card 500 cash
01:01:28
it comes with a booster do you have the guy friends that have fake vaccinations oh my god nino's pizzeria absolutely
01:01:32
that's how you get them yeah brooklyn baby how much are they nah okay this is true they were about
01:01:38
200 cash in the summer now they're about 500 to 750 because they come with two
01:01:42
boosters because a lot of people are like oh you're not gonna be able to get
01:01:45
it like it's they're pretty much saying the fake guys are saying you're gonna
01:01:48
need one booster and then you're gonna need a second booster so we just got you
01:01:51
two right here so you the cards that you can get for 750 you're good till about
01:01:54
2024. it's so funny dude new york is the greatest city number one and then we got
01:01:59
and then we got other guys that they take pcr tests and they just photoshop different dates on you for the pcr test
01:02:04
it's all seamless and they email it to you so if you need a pcr to get it to
01:02:07
somewhere we got boom pcos well when we took we took that party bus out to go watch the kansas city game and everybody
01:02:12
had to get tested and i was with chrissy o'connor you know a little christmas i
01:02:15
know a little christmas i love christmas and little brisket was you know like he was so excited
01:02:21
because we were like we're with travis's family we're gonna go in the kelsey family booth and like
01:02:26
you know he's like living the dr this is amazing and he goes and gets tested and
01:02:29
he comes back inside and he's like pacing and he's ripping his vape and he's like twiddling his fingers i'm like
01:02:34
what's going on he's like this will be the worst moment in my entire life i'll
01:02:36
jump off this [ __ ] building if i can't go to this thing and i realize oh yeah because if one of us comes up you
01:02:41
know covey you're done get the whole thing's over no homeless pimp didn't
01:02:44
come out with me uh tonight uh this trip because he had covered we were at the patrice o'neill benefit everyone had to
01:02:50
get covert tests all of a sudden i go down and do the sound check it come up pimp's gone i said where the hell's pimp
01:02:54
they said he got cover test he got thrown out of the building i was like whoa then i texted him i was like pimp
01:02:58
are you okay goes yeah man it's [ __ ] [ __ ] uh there's no way this test is
01:03:02
right he goes i feel fine there's no way this test is ready because i got a little bit of cough but it's from
01:03:06
smoking weed and i was like yeah it's [ __ ] so i got angry like a little bit i walked up to the covet person and
01:03:11
i said hey you just threw my friend out get him back up here there's no way that's a positive test you go sir we
01:03:16
gave him three pcrs they're all positive i was like oh yeah but he but with the fourth what
01:03:22
about the fourth yeah give him four yeah i mean what the [ __ ] everybody knows four is the magic number yeah i can't
01:03:27
believe little rudy rood hasn't gotten it yet either if i you're getting it you
01:03:31
already had it you pig i never got it there's no way because look at it like
01:03:34
this how did you sleep at daddy's tsunami's house i never they were testing me yeah but did you test for
01:03:40
antibiotics i've never had the antibodies either have you tested yes well not recently though in fairness not
01:03:45
in the last six months i think you've had it yeah there's no doubt in my mind
01:03:48
yeah there i just there's no way and you you're gonna get it yeah i hope you do
01:03:54
i hope you get it bad well i don't want you to die i just want you to feel something because you're so
01:04:00
numb i just want you to feel like this is the youth the youth is a little bit numb
01:04:05
yeah they are very that's fine i'm not hating on it no be present yeah enjoy live are you on your phone a
01:04:11
lot or you're not addicted to your phone i'm addicted she watches [ __ ] all day
01:04:14
long that's all she's doing phone or ipad yeah never television no i don't like it yeah see that's
01:04:20
interesting because my 11 year old stepson we got a big tv for like the family room thinking like he's good the
01:04:25
kids are going to love this they hate it they'd rather watch movies on the ipad
01:04:28
they want the smaller screens because we want to take a big one they want they want to take it to go yeah they're going
01:04:33
to the movies he was getting freaked out at the movies he was like this is too big i don't like this it's too big
01:04:38
i wanted to make the movie strange i know it's weird what do you like so much
01:04:41
about it you can take it in in the shower in the toilet out in the backyard yeah you can just move with it
01:04:46
yeah and you feel too too harbored by a tv too stationary it's so weird it's so i mean listen it's
01:04:53
also like even like my child my six-year-old you know is in school she has to wear a mask and i get angry i'm
01:04:58
like i want her to see people's face i want to see this when i see that but she
01:05:01
actually doesn't know the difference so it's i'm getting angry at it but i'm
01:05:05
like my kid i asked my kid she doesn't care she's like i'll wear the mask dad
01:05:08
it's fine well because i think they you know their life is so um easy those little shits you know she doesn't do
01:05:15
anything no but get your daughter to get a job no well she's old enough now i
01:05:19
remind her all the time i said delilah you know daddy loves you and everything like that but i'm going to need you to
01:05:24
hustle a little bit more because remember you're not pure right look at your mom she's mixed look at your mom
01:05:28
right you're not like daddy you're not you're like that's not if you're a bits of
01:05:32
daddy right but you're not a full daddy you're so remember that i mean you got
01:05:38
to put her back in her place yeah and then she gets it and she you know she runs around she starts you know cooking
01:05:41
cleaning whatever she needs to do imagine your daughter becomes your maid oh my god dude my daughter's 10 times
01:05:47
funnier than i could ever be you think she'll become a comic book she told me
01:05:50
she told me recently she's like i'm going to be better than you ever where
01:05:54
that's six years old just right and it's she spoke right into my heart but she's
01:05:58
right though she's right dude she's like you're not selling well at warner
01:06:01
theater i'll sell out too she thinks she can sell two shows at once she told me
01:06:05
she said her first words were [ __ ] live nation [ __ ] live nation she said that's nuts
01:06:12
she's an outback girl who yeah signed with aeg [Laughter] she was just very specific no she's
01:06:18
she's funny my kid she goes um we were having a conversation once and she was
01:06:22
like daddy why do you always have to leave i hate when you leave i hate when you leave and i was like baby you like
01:06:26
this house you little [ __ ] i know yeah i said you like central ac no so i said to her i go i go baby i was
01:06:33
like daddy has to leave because i said that's why i make money and she goes well we don't need any more money we
01:06:36
have this house and i just want you to stay here and i was like baby the american girl dolls how am i going to
01:06:41
buy you more american girl dolls if i don't go do the shows and she goes american girl dolls cost money and i was
01:06:46
like yeah and she was like go to work and i was like and then she just walked away and i was
01:06:52
like yeah this is going to work white devil go to work and she was like yeah and dude and you know i mean between her
01:06:57
mother you know and her mother now you know it's a spin instructor she's got a
01:07:00
patreon patreon.com jazzy method if you want to go work out with jazzy and uh you know so but i have to come out here
01:07:06
and do show after show off the show ten pockets a day and [ __ ] kill myself because she wants to do spin and i'm
01:07:12
like listen jazz you can keep doing the spin but you better spin that bike a little faster and it better start
01:07:15
[ __ ] out bitcoin because we got no money you're not in bit though you're out no
01:07:22
you're kidding me i'm christy krypto i thought you got out i sold it went back
01:07:25
in you sold and went back i went back in i went back in on crypto on on bitcoin big ethereum big and then i went on some
01:07:30
altcoins oh you got old cars yeah i got some wild alt-right coins yes sir me and george you got me and kimmel yeah
01:07:38
you know the camera yeah you know so the germans have released 10 new coins yes what are you are you in bitcoin
01:07:46
no crypto cam because i need to pay tax for it no you only pay tax when you sell
01:07:50
it so you if you're gonna get does steel bobby have one bit why no he's not into
01:07:55
it i don't know george wouldn't know george be closer to it than anybody um i
01:07:58
think it's too complex for him there's no way here it is do you have bitcoin george oh of course
01:08:03
how many bit you have you own a couple of bits full bits um i forget how much i own he's got like a
01:08:09
half i started doing the uh the uh the market uh i've got a i've got a fund that had invested in different uh
01:08:16
coins oh that great gray scale thing uh i didn't like grayscale that one lost me
01:08:20
a lot of money or like so i got it how much is a lot of money that you lost be honest
01:08:24
that one 500 but i got deeper into like the other one wait 500 yeah dollars come
01:08:29
on you're fine yeah that's fine that a lot of money to lose encrypt i know people i know people that lost like
01:08:34
50 grand that got just murdered oh i lost a lot of money i went in i went in uh a year
01:08:41
and a half ago when it dipped and i bought all this i'm sorry it didn't dip i just got
01:08:46
really hot on bitcoin and i bought at like an all-time high and then it just [ __ ] dipped you're gone yeah and i i
01:08:51
literally i don't even think about it i actually what i did is i deleted coinbase off my phone yeah but i said
01:08:56
yeah and then i listened to one of your friends vin ferrusso he was like i got a
01:08:59
real hot tip and i lost about five grand sitting at the comedy center yeah i was
01:09:03
like way to go yeah [ __ ] palestinian [ __ ] yeah he's hiding our money yeah where are you
01:09:08
vinny where are you friend yeah he's loving i love him i know i love him he is the best did you watch this
01:09:13
documentary it's good i did yeah i actually think it's fantastic it's good
01:09:17
it's really good it's like insightful on to what's going on i know and you know what we start
01:09:21
talking about that youtube's going to ban us oh you can't even mention this this is
01:09:25
so funny it's like it's such a volatile world of oh yeah when you get over there
01:09:29
you get into this weird world of like whose side are you on why do you have to be on a side i'm not i'm in the middle
01:09:36
man i told you i am chrissy right down the middles i um i've said it many times
01:09:40
i have a republican haircut a democratic brain i have white skin and this and a uh
01:09:45
black girl's ass black girl's aunt but you have a you have a republican haircut
01:09:50
a liberal heart and a what's the other party what's the fake party that everyone likes the
01:09:57
libertarian libertarian body i have a libertarian body yes you have the tits of a libertarian yes and i have yes
01:10:03
they're milky but they're you know but they are built from muscle at some point
01:10:07
and my nutsack looks like mitch mcconnell [Music] imagine imagine he has a great set of
01:10:12
nuts could you imagine he's got like a [ __ ] huge [ __ ] yeah can you imagine
01:10:17
he's been banging aoc this whole time yeah just punishing her yeah just that's hilarious
01:10:24
[Laughter] it's so gross to think about them together that's a scandal why do we need
01:10:30
another white house scandal again yeah we need something like that in the world you know what i've been watching you
01:10:36
ever seen the show succession on hbo yeah we've i finished the last of this dude i'm into this third season i mean
01:10:42
that's the best show i've ever seen in my life i love it have you seen it
01:10:45
that's a good show i think you'd like that you guys you guys yeah i've seen it it's
01:10:49
so what do you think i love it i love jeremy strong's character jeremy strong
01:10:53
is fantastic kendall yeah he's so good so [ __ ] and i want to live that life a
01:10:57
little bit you want to be that kind of pompous you know because they when they talk
01:11:01
about money like what you know like they talk about like like they'll give like
01:11:05
he'll give his son a hundred million dollars as a gift like they have like infinity money yeah it's wild to think
01:11:10
about they'll box did you ever know somebody like that a billionaire do i know a billionaire it's a good
01:11:15
question do i know a billionaire well you're friends with uh what's his name
01:11:19
uh the knicks right aren't you buddies with him james dolan yeah no not buddies i
01:11:24
just i've been in the same room with him but didn't you do a show for him or
01:11:27
something yeah but that doesn't mean i'm his friend you're his good friend oh
01:11:30
yeah well he's my best friend yeah i know i i think the richest person that i actually personally know like the
01:11:39
person i know with the absolute most money [ __ ] because i don't know i mean for me it's rogan yeah but i
01:11:47
don't know i don't know he's the most money i've ever heard yeah
01:11:50
no he would be the one that most of our peers would you know but i don't know
01:11:53
him personally so after that maybe you no santino not even not even in the top who would i know who who that's actually
01:12:03
rich that's truthfully like hand over like [ __ ] rich no nobody in the comedy scene that
01:12:09
you're friends with joe derosa everybody knows he's the richest guy he opens that sandwich shop you know what i
01:12:15
mean and he's it's a money front for sure because the sandwiches are [ __ ]
01:12:19
no no it's a money front no it is a money front and yes i want to make fun of joe derose and tell him what pizza is
01:12:25
probably the richest person that i know but but but yeah 477 million couple of bucks whatever he is the richest person
01:12:32
i've ever known yes he has a contract for 477 million dollars he's worth every
01:12:37
[ __ ] dime i will say joe's a rose's sandwiches though no by the way sandwich is our fifth year in
01:12:42
new york you've got to go to joe's sandwich shop i haven't gone because i
01:12:45
want to go eat them but i love joking no no no no no but no i want to make fun of
01:12:49
him too and i mean he's you know he he does discuss me in many ways but i do
01:12:52
have to give him credit that those sandwiches at his shop joey roses down on rivington street in the lower east
01:12:57
center in new york are fan like the best cold cut sandwiches i've ever had in my
01:13:00
life truthfully he got the meat from somewhere specific some some uh sliced it right off slice something like that
01:13:06
huh it's good now it's gabagol come on let's see i want to eat at an italian
01:13:11
restaurant with you what's the place that we always eat at buy your house well i'm not going to say what that is
01:13:17
into the mic what are you [ __ ] nuts oh yeah i forgot we're in the pot it's
01:13:19
so easy with you yeah no you know what where do we eat i'll tell well we always
01:13:23
go to the spaghetti factory is where we go the old spaghetti factory whole spaghetti
01:13:28
you know my dad loves olive garden loves i gotta be honest with you it's nuts i
01:13:33
don't hate olive garden i'm not saying i love it i don't hate it give me back
01:13:37
your italian card i've told you i'm mostly german so is hey so is he whoa
01:13:45
george appointed george you know george looks like a nazi though he does doesn't
01:13:49
he he does but he i got my hair growing out you know this is like when he had it
01:13:52
really short though he looked so nazi boy it was nazi stuff i shouldn't admit
01:13:56
this but uh yeah when i had my short haircut i always took uh i cropped it in real close but i took the photo of ray
01:14:03
fines and schindler's list and i was like this is the perfect haircut it looks great on me he brought that to the
01:14:08
barber what does that give him those lists no that and that is serious and i'd zoom really in so they couldn't
01:14:18
see any nasty person and as he's cutting it in spanish he's like [ __ ] put on
01:14:22
nazim look at that that's who george wanted to be that's insane that's a good ass haircut how sexy is
01:14:28
ray finally oh my god how about him you like him right rude yeah he's sexy he can get it huh but
01:14:34
he's like yeah but he kind of looks soft too he looks a little femme you know
01:14:38
what i mean yeah that that's a very that like the haircuts in the world war ii era were
01:14:43
were good well that was the thing that the nazis really figured out was hair was styling their hair and uniforms i've
01:14:47
said this many times if you want to talk i don't agree with their politics at all
01:14:51
i truthfully don't i think the holocaust was disgusting but if we're just talking
01:14:54
about fashion nazis win by a landslide yeah you go boss uniforms look at mclemore mclemore that's macklemore
01:15:00
right there there you go there he is and there's eric trump down there oh no
01:15:04
that's not eric trump who is that that guy the face of the alt right what's his name richard spencer
01:15:10
richard spencer is the face of the is that yeah that's what i ain't gonna
01:15:13
answer that real quick you were trying to bait me weren't you yeah yeah he was looking for he knows he
01:15:18
knows who his leader is i think i could beat up macklemore i don't i honestly don't think so
01:15:25
there's something he's like six four maybe is he is he really i think he's a
01:15:29
big boy interesting mclemore height he's got a uh what do we say six three five ten five ten small guy never mind i
01:15:39
think i beat him up i think i can beat up g eazy ah i see i think g easy might take you
01:15:45
hmm uh machine gun kelly i think i'm oh no i think it'll be all these guys kind of
01:15:50
look alike in your mind that's why your name that's what we're naming the thing
01:15:52
is with machine gun kelly is he's a very bony if he hits you with one of those
01:15:56
bones you're going lights out yeah we ever got punched by a really skinny guy
01:15:59
at her if it hurts oh it hurts so bad playing basketball against him i'd always get bruises i would look like my
01:16:04
mom [Laughter] six four see mgk's pdd six four two yeah pdd would hurt you six three
01:16:15
yeah and megan fox and now they're married good megan good for all these people
01:16:20
good for them good for marriage shout out love i i've never gotten married i
01:16:24
probably won't get married but i like being a person you'll never get married
01:16:26
no i don't think so because i had kids first you don't want any government
01:16:29
intervention yeah and i just for me the whole thing is like and it just gets messy i i like the way it is now and she
01:16:34
likes the way it is now you say you're saying that for her yeah she is repulsed
01:16:39
by the idea i don't want to get married and thinks that it absolutely adds i i'm
01:16:43
pretty sure it's two kids where am i [ __ ] going where am i going with a full bush
01:16:49
yeah that but you had a nice bush nice bush where would you go i mean who yeah what are you talking about what is she
01:16:54
like you know marriage is tough though so i get it while you're like i don't want to get
01:16:59
through this whole process we already got little ninos yeah we can't do it and
01:17:02
i'm like oh you're a family with kovid we can't do it i just keep delaying it
01:17:05
well because you know the child support is it's coming can you imagine how do you
01:17:08
calculate child support see what that's about i know a buddy that has 17 000 a
01:17:13
month or something i think it's 17 of your gross income in new york 17 of your gross income per
01:17:20
child i think per child it doesn't even does it go exponentially lower is the
01:17:23
more kids you get or is it 17 if you got 10 kids earned 70 of the combined parental income for one child
01:17:29
twenty-five percent of the combined parental income for two children how does that make sense combined
01:17:33
pronouns underground because she doesn't make like if your wife doesn't make any
01:17:36
money it's just all your money that's what i'm saying so this is just a ruse
01:17:38
to make it feel like it's a yeah it'd be like 25 of the father's income oh
01:17:43
my god you're sticking it out papa you better stick that [ __ ] up you better
01:17:48
stick that [ __ ] up papa you ain't going nowhere frank okay no you better dig
01:17:52
your heel then you're going nowhere i know and that's and that's not even
01:17:56
alimony if you get divorced then it's alimony on top of that how much is alimony percentage if he gets if no oh
01:18:00
you're not you're not we're not married but let's just say hypothetically what
01:18:03
would your common law right doesn't common law marriage ever i don't think
01:18:05
that's a real thing in california it absolutely is it absolutely is in the state of california for marriage less
01:18:10
than 15 years support should last 15 to 30 of the length of the marriage whoa so if marriage is the last 15 to 20
01:18:17
years support should last 30 to 40 of the length of the marriage so if you if you were married for 20 years you put
01:18:23
you pretty much got to pay for like eight years right eight years after wow wow wow
01:18:30
oh my god oh my god this is why we got a family friend that won't get divorced he's like
01:18:36
i'll kill her before i'll divorce her i'll just he just gives her money really
01:18:39
yeah he's like i'm not if i can get a divorce he's like but he's
01:18:42
like the house is her you know what i mean he's like yeah they have everything
01:18:45
i'm not gonna get a divorce yeah he's a financial nightmare nightmare do you
01:18:48
ever want to get married rude jude no never right you've said that before what
01:18:52
about if what's his face what if harry styles wants to marry you seriously oh
01:18:56
look at you now you're changing your tongue harry i would marry him he's the
01:18:59
only one you'd marry but what if he said i'll marry you because i love you
01:19:04
but you got to let me have all the other women in the world as well that's fine
01:19:08
and you don't care he wants your clothes all your nice dresses we can share okay what would be the one
01:19:14
thing that would turn you off about him what would you isn't there anything he
01:19:17
could do that you'd go that's i don't want that that would [ __ ] it all up for
01:19:20
me maybe if what if he was physically abusive you stick around yeah okay that's terrible to know okay that's just
01:19:28
so bad she said immediately yeah didn't even skip a beat yeah yeah i'd actually
01:19:32
want him to hit me what if he was uh voting for trump okay so he can beat the [ __ ] out of you
01:19:39
but if he votes for trump that's just a whole different story um oh wow this is the point of contention
01:19:46
wow what bothers you it's what it is most people trump if he votes for trump
01:19:51
you're not going to get with harry yeah but he can hit me he can hit you okay okay unhealthy to push out to the
01:19:56
next young girls out there that are rudy's age this is not what you want to be like
01:20:01
wow he can hit me but he can't vote for trump if trump was here truthfully and
01:20:05
was a fan of the power would you have him on as a guest if trump came to los angeles generally donald trump is like i
01:20:10
want to i love whiskey ginger it's huge the show's huge bad friends is huge
01:20:16
i went on the show how could you show of course how could i say no i would have done it at the height of 2016. i would
01:20:23
have done it by the way and anybody that says anything otherwise you were mesmerized by him for four years it was
01:20:28
the most entertaining [ __ ] we ever saw everyone would want to see what he would
01:20:31
say and also between between me and bobby and put him in the middle of us oh the most fun the most
01:20:38
the most comedian of all time would be dying to have him on yeah because it's
01:20:41
something it's i mean it's like when people criticize rogan or criticize um
01:20:46
marin for having certain people on if ever they're like why would you have them on it's like because that strikes
01:20:51
an interesting conversation that's why yeah it's just interesting that's all it
01:20:54
is it's fun interesting conversation yeah you're not gonna like all the guests so if he hits you that's all good
01:20:59
votes for trump get out of here harry styles but he can hit you he can re i mean really like give you a shiner yeah
01:21:05
okay what do you say the police man what happened to your eye i just fell you fell on your eye
01:21:12
how come nothing else is there's no other evidence of of uh of a fall i don't know it just happened
01:21:18
i feel like you're lying to us ma'am is someone abusing you at home no don't
01:21:23
roll your eyes at us because i can see that swollen eye i can tell did someone raise a fist to you ma'am no
01:21:29
one's abusing me you fell tell me how you fell i was walking with my drink and then i
01:21:36
forgot that there were stairs what kind of drink my wine my wine oh your wine glass oh you're red
01:21:45
wine okay i didn't know that i thought that you were 20. not 21. that's interesting yeah
01:21:50
this is five years after oh yeah so you're walking with your wine where at the house at the house that you guys
01:22:01
own together in beverly hills yeah is that where it is how many stories is it two just two two two and you fell down
01:22:08
the second first story to the bottom yeah that's it i just fell you slipped and
01:22:13
fell but how come there's no bruising or cuts on any other part of your body it's
01:22:16
almost like i just raised my legs oh so you fell with your legs up right so you just slid down on your butt
01:22:21
but like yeah on carpeted stairs yeah interesting um would harry styles be able to sign something for my kid
01:22:30
yeah okay i should be late again i say we let her go yeah that's fine i said yeah yeah
01:22:35
what did you end up saying to him that why he hit you i saw you [ __ ] [ __ ] you crossed the line he should have hit
01:22:43
you you don't say that to harry styles we got to go have a good night ma'am
01:22:48
you said let's go brandon imagine it'd be so funny one of those innocent kids like harry styles came out
01:22:57
as like a hardcore trumpy and how funny oh my god because then it's like it turns it on its head it's like what are
01:23:01
you supposed to do now that's the thing with with tt jerry is she's transgender puerto rican but she
01:23:08
loves trump so it's like what do you you can't she's done trump right you've told me
01:23:12
that she told me every inmate in prison loves trump too all of them 100 percent she said if if if the
01:23:19
federal inmate system could could vote they would they would all vote for trump is did she have a lot of trans friends
01:23:26
in prison she said all her trans friends who none of them were white all of them
01:23:31
adored donald trump is she fully transitioned now she's got um um estrogen tits but a dick
01:23:37
so she's got tits but she's keeping it right didn't you say she's keeping her
01:23:40
penis she doesn't want to lose her penis she got a nice penis i bet beautiful you
01:23:43
don't want to give it up it's so good yeah don't you think that that's part of
01:23:46
the whole reason she likes to she said she likes to you utilize it you know what i mean yeah she wants to use that
01:23:51
she doesn't want it you know it's a gun it's a gun she wants to see once in a
01:23:55
while once in a while she pops off yes so it's nice she likes it do you have
01:23:58
any trans friends no i have a gay friend oh big deal we all have a gay friend right here
01:24:06
you're gay not necessarily bi yes that's probably more true also the standards are blurred dude
01:24:15
sexuality is on the spectrum look at carlos nobody knows what he is yeah it doesn't matter
01:24:22
but he looks like he like he makes balloon animals without a doubt makes balloon animals yeah
01:24:26
yeah he looks like the guy that that that story that gets the tahin for the guy that sells fruit on the side of the
01:24:31
road he goes and gets the tahin for him go on a run get me some tahin come back and call her stands there he looks like
01:24:37
a guy like like in like a movie like an ancient war movie like you know when they're like walking into a village that
01:24:42
had just been ramsacked his head would be in a spike yeah just like that with the hair blowing in the wind
01:24:46
[Laughter] [Music] well listen what i love you oh i love you god bless you for coming to this and
01:24:54
and and um in all seriousness we are thankful for our bad friends we love you guys uh thank you for chrissy's he's
01:25:01
gonna do maybe another episode with us maybe we'll see whatever we'll see we'll have
01:25:05
some other guests come through while um tito bob uh is uh getting some uh some help and i'm gonna let rudy stare into
01:25:13
her camera right there and go ahead and um say something sentimental about tito and then close out the show and thank
01:25:19
people for being a bad friend go ahead make it count to bobby we're missing you already true
01:25:27
um farted into the mic during your speech i hope that's what bob would have wanted
01:25:35
take care and we love you thank you for being a bad friend love it love it thank you thank you
01:25:44
[Music]