00:00:00
Hey, what's up, Bad Friends? I am on tour. I'm back out on the road. Uh, first up, I do San Francisco. Sadly,
00:00:05
that's sold out. I think there's a wait list now. Brea, Southern California, Brea Improv. Come out and see me, Brea.
00:00:11
Then I'm going to be at the Tempe Improv out there in my old stomping grounds of ASU. I'm going to be in Hammond,
00:00:16
Indiana, right before Thanksgiving. I'm going to be at Caesar's Windsor in Ontario, Canada. Then I'm going to Bethlehem, PA, Hanover, Maryland.
00:00:23
Atlantic City at the Borgata that's getting close to being sold out. Valley Center, Harris Casino down in Valley
00:00:28
Center, which is near San Diego, Canyonville, Oregon over there during uh Valentine's Day. And then I'm gonna be
00:00:34
at the Wind Casino in Las Vegas in March of the new year. So get your ticket to andrewantino.com. Andrewsantino.com.
00:00:40
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two
00:00:47
are disgusting. Oh, you two are something. We're bad friends.
00:00:53
What a man. What a man. What a man. What a mighty good man.
00:00:59
Yes, he is.
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I went for a hike today and I had to carry my dog up half of the hill. She's
00:01:10
getting old. Oh. Oh, no. My heart break. It is so funny. She's
00:01:16
getting to the point now where she just lays down when she's over it. You know when dogs like sit and they
00:01:22
just won't get up cuz you could like, "Come on. Come She just lay down in the dirt. I was like, "Please get up and go. Please, can we go?" And then she just
00:01:28
looked up. I was like, "I'll pick you." How old is 36. Wow, that's good. That's really good.
00:01:34
She's going to be nine, I think. So, I made the decision. She's a She's an old dog. We have a dog named Remy.
00:01:40
Mhm. Eyes completely white. You're going to do it, aren't you? And you're going to put her down.
00:01:46
Okay. Spine crooked. Dude, bro, what? No, but when a dog's
00:01:52
eyes significantly stress or fear when they have uh he's completely blind. Remy is deaf,
00:01:58
crooked spine, right? Won't leave his bed, right? So the vet said, um you guys
00:02:05
might want to start thinking about don't put him down. And I go, we're doing Christmas.
00:02:11
We're doing Christmas. I go, we're doing Christmas in January. Maybe in January.
00:02:16
Put him down on Christmas. Yeah. When I told Jules um that information two days ago, we all just
00:02:23
started crying. I know sitting. I don't want to hear it. What? You want to You don't want to hear the cry.
00:02:28
I don't want to hear how you cry. [Music] And then you know what? And then you
00:02:35
start thinking about your other animals cuz I have seven of them. They're all going to go. Yeah. And it's just it's just devastating.
00:02:40
But we're all going to go. Yeah. I want to do that full body scan thing you were talking about. The
00:02:46
Yeah, I got to do it, too. Yeah, because we know a comic that had that done and they found a little something. They found a little something in our
00:02:52
friend. I want to do a full body scan. Carlos, you should do a full body scan. Yeah. I just got health insurance this summer.
00:02:59
I'm excited. Is that the first time you've ever had it? No, not since I got dropped off my
00:03:04
parents like 11 years ago. Are your parents disappointed in you? That's what it feels like.
00:03:10
No, I think How could they look back at their lives and you and they go, "Oh, we're proud." Yeah. Because I'm not like I'm not dead.
00:03:17
Yeah. You didn't die. Yeah. I don't work like a I'm I'm proud of you. You are. Oh yeah. The glory holes. You know what
00:03:23
I mean? The That stuff's cool. Yeah. Very quick of times you've almost died and survived. I kept
00:03:28
this job. Yeah. That's true. Is this the longest job you've ever had? 100,000%. Yeah, dude.
00:03:33
Have you thought about quitting ever? No. Never. I love this job. You do? Yeah. I love it. You got like the fame.
00:03:39
That's not why. That's why. That's projecting. That is projecting. I don't like the fame.
00:03:44
Oh, you don't? I don't have get any fame. I do, but you know what I mean? I don't I I I don't bask in it.
00:03:51
Here's how much Bobby hates the fame. When I said, "Where'd you go see the movie that we're talking about?" He
00:03:56
goes, "The Grove." The most look at me, look at me, look at me location. The
00:04:01
Grove of all places to go see a movie. That That's like being like I went to Universal Studios.
00:04:07
It's been too. I know. It's the busiest. You love that. Yeah. I go to the little quiet as far
00:04:13
away. No, you go to the hipster one where all the hipsters say, "What's up, man?" with their fancy mustaches.
00:04:19
I go to Burbank. No, you don't. I I do. I go I shouldn't say that, but you went to Echo Park or something.
00:04:24
No, I go to Burbank. Where did I go to see this movie? Yeah, Lemily on Sunset 8,000 Sunset.
00:04:29
Yeah, that's because I had dinner down there. And it's dude already, dude. Can I just say something?
00:04:35
And it's the only one that had When your lips tighten up, dude, you're starting a fight. You know what it is? What?
00:04:40
It's because I'm my lips are sunburnt. Oh, okay. I went to I I usually go to Burbank cuz I like it. It's quiet and there's four
00:04:47
theaters up there. Have you noticed that they they've cut down the Nicole Kidman video? Yeah. I'm tired of it.
00:04:52
I'm tired of it. It's too long of a walk. It's too long of a walk. Too much talking.
00:04:58
Too much. Right. The audience goes a little too haywire for me. But then the Friday night when I saw one battle after the
00:05:04
next, it was just one thing she said and I was like, "That was perfect." That is good. the editing.
00:05:10
You know the the scene where they're like, "Put away your cell phone." And do that thing. I went down to watch a movie in
00:05:16
Englewood. Yeah. They run a different pre-roll down there. What is it? Different pre-roll.
00:05:21
What is it? Like take out your cell phone, turn that [ __ ] on, text, and FaceTime the whole time the movie going.
00:05:27
Talk as loud as you can. Talk as loud as you can. The vital moment. Walk out to P4 five more times.
00:05:33
Yeah. Yeah. It was different. Start a right. Start a right. Start a right.
00:05:39
You know what else I'm tired of? Actually, wait. This reminds me of the first time I went to go see Belly in the
00:05:44
movie theater. Remember Belly? Bring up Belly. He probably doesn't even remember Belly. Look at how Look at this movie.
00:05:49
I went to go see this in a tough neighborhood. Yeah. And DM, Spoiler alert, DMX gets killed
00:05:56
pretty early on and a d a black dude in front of us stands up. He goes, "Oh, hell no." And they walked out. They They
00:06:04
wanted DMX in the whole [ __ ] movie. That's what I That's what I do when Michelle Yao dies early. Oh, hell no.
00:06:09
I go, "Oh, [ __ ] no." No. So, I I'm tired of God, Belly was such a good movie.
00:06:14
The Coca-Cola commercials with the two people got Yeah. Right. And then all of a sudden they're
00:06:20
race car driving and then all of a sudden they're dancing. Yeah. Right. And then all of a sudden they're
00:06:25
basically just in love on the middle of a New York street and they hit the Cokes together. I hate that one. And it has
00:06:32
nothing to do with cuz they're black. Okay, good. It has nothing to do with it. If they were white, it would annoy me, too. I don't know. Maybe it wouldn't. No.
00:06:39
No. Well, I met this girl at the comedy store. It was Thursday. Okay. Pretty.
00:06:45
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then she was like, then she just kind of made out with me in the hallway.
00:06:51
Just started making out with you. Well, we talked a little bit. Had cigarette, right? I bought her a drink like a Coke commercial.
00:06:56
Just like the Coke commercial. And then we we raced cars. We started dancing. It was crazy. It's pretty cool.
00:07:03
Yeah. Yeah. One battle after another, though. It's one of the best movies I've seen. Best movies I've ever seen.
00:07:09
Also underrated as far as comedy goes. It won't be considered a comedy, but it absolutely is a comedy. It's an action movie, but it's a comedy for sure.
00:07:15
Yeah. I I I find Leo because of Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, too. I think he was very funny in that at times, you
00:07:20
know. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That I just think that it's because he plays it real as well. It's it's interesting.
00:07:27
They're funny situations, but he's such a good actor. And when you play it real, when it's funny.
00:07:32
That's when it's super funny. He's not like It's not like a It's not like, you know, like a Will Ferrell character. He's supposed to be
00:07:39
He is just being funny cuz this one the situations are very honest, but the reaction is funny.
00:07:45
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And Benio was great in it. So good. The best. How old is Benio Del Toro at this point?
00:07:51
Let's take a guess. Okay. 50 something. I thought maybe almost 60 by now. 60 got
00:07:56
to be. 62 is my guess. Do you want to guess, Bob?
00:08:03
Well, I remember when he first came when he did um Usual Suspects, I was at the Mandreon.
00:08:09
I was a door man. But how old was he then? 30. But he seen my age, but he was like on
00:08:15
fire cuz it was him and Michael Raport were in the Mandreon. And I see them like dancing with these hot chicks. And I was
00:08:21
and I remember just sitting there by by myself with a diet coke sipping going, "Oh my god, they that's
00:08:27
the that's the new Hollywood." Oh, I want to ask you this. This is interesting.
00:08:32
These newer theaters, these nicer movie theaters now, it's not just the old school snacks. Yeah.
00:08:38
The upgrade is crazy. Crazy, bro. They had We had uh what's it?
00:08:43
Raisinets. That's old school. Oh, [ __ ] Let me guess. Let me guess. No, no, no. You're This is just insane.
00:08:49
They had those high-end chalk like dark chocolate bars with mixed in like raspberry flakes and
00:08:55
all that stuff. And I was like, I'm not getting at the [ __ ] movie theater. M. And she was like, "Let's just get it just with their popcorn." I was, "I
00:09:02
can't go back." Yeah. The dark milk, the dark chocolate with like the raspberry, like the, you know, like the lint chocolate bars. You know
00:09:08
those? They had those on display. They had 10 different flavors. I was like, "Come on, get three or four." How do you get the butter at the bottom
00:09:13
of the bucket? Say it again. How do you get the butter at the bottom
00:09:19
of the bucket? Well, you're gonna think I'm a psychopath. No, but because I don't know. I squirt a cup of butter. I get a a side
00:09:26
cup for a fountain and I put butter in it and I eat the popcorn and I sip the butter. Wow.
00:09:32
Like a shock. Like a chaser. A chaser. A butter chaser. A butter chaser. Wow. But how do you do it? Do you do you
00:09:37
move? Sometimes I try to move it. Huh? Or you put the butter on top and you do a shake. Like what do you do? How do you
00:09:43
get the butter on the bottom? Do you want my secret? Yeah. So you get the bucket. You can't get the bag. The bag is an issue, right? You get
00:09:49
the bucket and you go, "Hey, can you fill that up just below the line? I know it. Don't overflow it." And they fill it up just below the line. And you go, "Can
00:09:56
I get a second bucket? I'll pay for just an empty bucket." And I put the bucket on top of the bucket. And I shake it like a salad. And I mix it all up. And I
00:10:02
just throw You really do that? Yeah. I throw away the second bucket. Oh, that's ingenious. It's that or the bucket or the butter shot? I'll do a butter shot, too. I'll
00:10:08
take a little cup. Okay. Like a little butterback. Yeah. Little popcorn butterback. What kind of butter is it? It seems like
00:10:13
oil. It's oil butter. It's oil butter. Yeah. Well, it's also been sitting in that vat for about 40 days. There's no way they
00:10:19
clean it. It's not good for you. You know, that's how I got sick in college, right? What? Oh, I got butter. My buddy, my buddy Colin and I, I could
00:10:26
call him. My buddy Colin and I got food poisoning during finals week of college. We went to go see a movie with our buddy
00:10:32
Colorado John. And John was the only guy that didn't eat popcorn. He's like, "No, I don't want popcorn, man." And we
00:10:38
shared a bucket of popcorn and we got so [ __ ] sick. How do you get food poisoning from popcorn? From the butter. The butter.
00:10:43
From the butter. The butter. The boiled butter. The butter spoiled. Oh my god. The doctor was like, "What did you eat?" I went down the list. I was like, "Dude,
00:10:49
I had ramen." Which literally doesn't go bad. Ramen lasts about nine million years in that packet. Yeah. I go, I had ramen for lunch. That's all
00:10:55
I ate until we got to the theater. And then Colin had a totally different meal. We both were sick for two full days. I lost like nine pounds. It was
00:11:01
insane. Wow. I look good for finals. I wasn't my shirt off. A B C.
00:11:07
Yeah, dude. I was sick. I That's the sickest I've ever been food poisoning. And the doctor concluded. He was like, "Well, it had been the Did you put butter?" I
00:11:14
said, "Yeah, of course we had butter on the He goes, that dude, brother, that's that's it. 100% what it was." You know, it's also a college campus
00:11:20
movie theater. The [ __ ] goons working there are stoned to the bone like us. They're not paying attention and
00:11:25
cleaning [ __ ] Yeah. Dirty, dirty, dirty. So, if you go to Major Domo, there used to they used to have cave butter and
00:11:32
there's a cave somewhere in California where they get the butter. What do you What are you talking about? Butter comes from cows.
00:11:39
No, there's cave butter. So, so it just organically grows in the cave. You know, there's like a bat in there. I don't know what it is, but like
00:11:44
Major Domo cave butter refers to caveed butter from crown finished caves served at David Chang's restaurant. That's what I'm saying.
00:11:50
Right. Right. So, what I'm saying is crown fish and you can taste the difference because it's from a cave.
00:11:55
Yeah, it's definitely cave butter. Yes. No cave butter when I say it's just they store it in a cave. That's all it is.
00:12:01
I know. That's what I'm saying. I just say it's from the cave. There's not one cow in there going How funny if there was just a cow in a
00:12:07
cave. He's exhausted. They're milking him all day long. Leave me alone. Yeah. But what I'm saying is you take
00:12:14
fancy butter like that and you put that in popcorn somehow. Ah, this is
00:12:19
like level it out. No, level out because the oil butter is [ __ ] bad for you. Of course.
00:12:25
And and cave butter is so flavorful. Why don't we just take it to the next level? Take it to the next level with the cave
00:12:31
butter, please. How do you do it? Do you condense the cave butter into a liquid form? I don't know.
00:12:36
Touch more. Of course you have to. Well, it can't be that much more. How much is cake butter very expensive? It's like $1,000 a bar.
00:12:44
Fancy cave butter. Yeah. Yeah. Like elevate the popcorn. We must at this point it is.
00:12:50
Yeah. Frank's gourmet popcorn butterflavored coconut oil. Oh yeah.
00:12:55
It's a substitute. No. These are all substitutes, my guy. But still not elevated enough for me, Dad.
00:13:00
Okay. But how about this? When you get a candy like an M&M's, you sprinkle that in the popcorn. Yes. No.
00:13:05
Insane. You don't do that. Do you do that? Everybody does that. You sprinkle them in there, then you get to grab a couple handfuls. Then you get some You'll get
00:13:11
one popcorn with with some of the M&M's cuz M&M's don't go all the way through. They stick halfway in some of the creasses.
00:13:17
Okay. I know. I got a good idea. You just You make it so it's like a [ __ ] yogurt chop.
00:13:22
Oh, yeah. Yeah. So, it's just not just cave butter, right? But you put graham
00:13:28
like graham from a little bit of graham, right? From uh some toffee. Some sort of toffee
00:13:33
thing. You know what I mean? Maybe maybe candied pecans. Exactly. If you're getting nuts, candied walnuts if you're getting [ __ ] But you put the butter in first so that
00:13:39
all the other stuff sticks to it. I like this. Right. What do you think? Maybe a blueberry.
00:13:46
You know, it's a stretch, but I like it. I like it. One blueberry blueberry in the bottom of it. You got You have to
00:13:52
try to find it and your partner goes, "You got the blueberry?" Yeah. Yeah. There's only one in there. You know, that's good for good luck.
00:13:57
That's Yeah, that's actually a good idea. They elevate the popcorn. What else can we elevate in there?
00:14:03
Yeah. Well, they do some of like at Lemy's, they have a full bar, which I think is
00:14:08
insane, that you can just get like a cocktail with it, which I thought was kind of great. No drinking, but still. Yeah,
00:14:13
Garretts is good. I see that. You got to elevate the popcorn, man. We got to move on up. Yeah, let's move on with the popcorn.
00:14:19
We're running thin on that. And also then the snacks. The snacks though. The snack game is very What's Sonoma? What's
00:14:24
this? Oop. $50 popcorn. Bobby's going to love it. Yeah, that's it. What is that? Williams and Sonoma makes
00:14:30
Soma popcorn gift set. No, no, that's the bowl thing. You're paying not for the popcorn. Yeah. Yeah.
00:14:35
Glad I didn't get it. This guy was just going to buy it. Is there elevated corn?
00:14:41
Google. Is there elevated corn? I'm I'm really getting into this. We're trying to get to the next level of
00:14:46
popcorn. Yeah. Yeah. We got It starts with the corn. Cave corn. Oh, there can be elevated significantly taller corn. No, that's not what we're
00:14:52
talking about. Yeah. Is there fancy corn? Is there fancy corn? Is there Andre corn? Yeah, organic fancy corn.
00:14:59
Is there Yes, there is fancy corn. Yeah, it referred to cornmeal multi Indian corn. Oh, yeah. Indian corn is
00:15:05
We need Indian corn. We need Indian popcorn cuz they're different colors. They're going to be mad at us for appropriating that as well. Look at
00:15:10
that. That there's Indian corn. Yeah, you use Indian corn, cave butter. I Indian corn with butter,
00:15:16
right? Imagine. I just sounded like John F. Kennedy. Imagine.
00:15:22
Imagine. Imagine. Imagine. I mean, Indian popcorn with cave butter.
00:15:28
With cave butter and also all the fixings and sea salt. And sea salt. Dude, that's what I'm saying. Elevate this [ __ ]
00:15:33
Kosher sea salt. Yeah, dude. Imagine. Wow. I I think we should. Imagine
00:15:39
we can elevate the menu at a at a movie theater. I think we can I don't know, dude. It's time.
00:15:44
It's time, dude. I will say those Coke machines they have now have every flavor of everything on earth and it's [ __ ] amazing.
00:15:49
I refuse to do the flavors. You're out of your [ __ ] mind. I refuse. Cherry Coke is phenomenal.
00:15:55
If you get a diet [ __ ] Coke and you put a sugary cherry thing, it defeats the purpose of the diet part of it.
00:16:01
You're still getting sugar. What do you mean? They do fake They do fake sugar. Yeah, they do fake sugar now. They do aspartame versions of all
00:16:07
of it. Oh, really? So, it's not real sugar. No, it's fake. Okay. Well, then I'll do lime. You have them both? Yeah. Yeah, they have both. Look at all the
00:16:12
options. I want one of those at my house. Yeah, that's a great thing. That's one of those things like like I had a friend in high school who was like a who was a super rich kid and we go
00:16:18
over to his house in his basement. He had a Coke bottle machine. We could get Coke by the bottle. You hit it by a dispense. We drink like
00:16:26
nine Cokes a day. My colleague Kulkin movie where he gets a million dollars. Brewster's Millions. Puts the McDonald's.
00:16:32
Yeah. The McDonald's in your house. Yeah. I was hankering this morning, by the way, for a sausage egg McMuffin. I
00:16:37
almost went to Mac's for one. Sausage egg McMuffin is the best thing in the [ __ ] world. I think so, too. It's It's so [ __ ]
00:16:42
good. You slide that hash brown inside. I don't do that. No. No.
00:16:49
You don't put the hash brown inside the sausage. It won't change my life. I'm telling you, why eat it separately?
00:16:54
Yeah. Why eat it out of it? So, if I do that, the light like it'll turn completely bright.
00:17:00
Imagine, right? And I'll have a spiritual awakening. What the [ __ ] are you talking about? You'll see in color for the first time. Yeah. No, I don't think so. But I think
00:17:06
it'll be good. It's phenomenal. Okay. Here's here's what you do. You want a You want a real little secret topper?
00:17:11
They sell Taco Bell hot sauce now in the grocery store, which my fridge has five of them in there right now.
00:17:18
Honestly, of all the hot sauce, they sell they sell the fire. You can get hot fire. Look, there they are.
00:17:23
Yeah. Taco Bell hot sauce sold sold in the store in the bottle. We buy that [ __ ] I put that on everything. It's that on
00:17:30
breakfast. Do you not like Taco Bell hot sauce? It's a packet. I don't really think about it. Oh, brother. When you go to Taco Taco Bell, you don't
00:17:36
use it. I use Diablo fire. Yeah. But I don't think, "Oh, this is amazing hot sauce." Oh, no, no, no. It's not that it's amazing. It's the flavor is just good.
00:17:43
Well, the flavor is okay. But I put that on my breakfast sandwiches. Oh, you do? And you know what? Yeah, I bet. I bet it is. Yeah.
00:17:49
It's a kiss on the mouth. Yeah. Do you ever do the taco? This guy selling 50 hot sauce packets. That's so funny.
00:17:54
That's funny. I bet you people buy it. Do you do the breakfast burrito at McDonald's, too, or No, I've never done the breakfast burrito.
00:18:00
Yeah. I'm too scared. It's a tube. A tube of fear. I don't like it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I call it a tube of fear. I
00:18:06
don't like it. But this is the thing. McDonald's has been switching up their menu a little bit with introducing new items. They're risky and some of the new ones I'm not
00:18:13
Their chicken menu is getting too big. Slow down with all the chicken. Amen. Give me McDonald's new menu.
00:18:18
Yeah. I went we went the other week and I thought, you guys need to slow down. Go back to the basics, dude.
00:18:24
They got new [ __ ] on there that I'm just not like chicken strips. Get the [ __ ] out of here. It's nuggets or nothing,
00:18:29
dude. It's nuggets or nothing. What's a new What's new on there? New edition. Boo buckets.
00:18:36
Oh, boo buckets. Wait, wait. Tiny tan happy meal. That's for the Philippines only, isn't it? Tiny tan.
00:18:41
Wow. There's a meet up in Los Angeles for Tiny Tan. Yeah, for parents, I guess. Can we go back to the movie um popcorn
00:18:48
real quick? Look at this special edition. Special edition gold sauce. Yeah. All right. What's What do you want to do with the popcorn? We
00:18:54
No, no. I'm just saying. So, I went to see that movie um with a date. We got a
00:18:59
large popcorn. Mhm. A small bottle of Smart Water. Not needed, but go ahead.
00:19:04
Why? Waste of money. Okay. Anyway, um that's what we got. Yeah. And a Diet Coke. 30 bucks.
00:19:10
Oh, yeah. Well, it's a [ __ ] How much are they making off of that? Can you imagine how much our our fancy Indian corn cave butter is going to be?
00:19:17
80 bucks a bucket. We're never going to be able to source it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. That's We're going to be We're going to be
00:19:22
ripping people off. Yeah. But the movie we can make cheaper because we won't what we'll do is we'll
00:19:28
run a bunch of you know previews will be an hour and a half to pay for the Indian corn.
00:19:33
Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So you'll have an hour of previews. Movie theaters make almost no money with the movie. They make all their money
00:19:40
with concessions. But they also make money using the previews, right? Don't they have to pay to have those previews put in front of those films? Is that not
00:19:45
true? Yes. Yes. With But have you smuggled in stuff? I have. And they don't give a [ __ ] What do you mean? That was my whole life.
00:19:50
Yeah. Yeah. The only reason I The only reason I do it now is because I'm just timing wise I don't feel like bringing [ __ ] in. Yeah.
00:19:55
But mo I would say the majority of people still sneak in food. And you shouldn't sneak because it's a teenager
00:20:02
ripping tickets. He doesn't give a [ __ ] You think a 16-year-old is going to be like, "Sir, what's in your pockets?" Yeah. They don't do that. He doesn't [ __ ] care. It's a It's a
00:20:09
It's It's mostly coffee. You sneak in coffee? Yeah. Like an iced You know what I mean? Venti something. Right. And I I What?
00:20:16
Put it in your No, I cup I do this. This. Right. Right. And I do one of these and I hand the
00:20:23
ticket like this. Yeah. They'll never see that when you walk around. No. Can you see it now? Well, I'm just on this angle now.
00:20:28
I know. You think you can spin around to this side? He can hear the ice jingle jangling in that cup. It's It's basically on the walk, dude.
00:20:34
Limp, dude. You Yeah. And I go, "Here you go." Right. Smart. And then when there I I always keep You
00:20:40
always have to keep eye contact. Got it. Right. There you go. What if there's an employee behind you, sir?
00:20:48
Yeah. You got to cup it. You sneak in coffin. Yeah, cuz in high school you smoke those cigarettes. I was good at cupping the
00:20:54
cigarette. Oh, yeah. You're just walking down the hallway, right? Oh, yeah. Cupping cupping the cigarette. I I know how to cup that. I know there's
00:21:00
smoke, but they thought I was Asian. I was doing some sort of you you know what I mean? Like Street Fighter thing.
00:21:06
Oh, you can whatever. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. But that's smart. Yeah. I'm very smart with my hands.
00:21:11
My friend Sarah and I used to sneak in 40s. You just bring in a big purse in college and sneak in 40s. That's college days, dude. The good old
00:21:17
days. Yeah. sneak a 40 in the movie theater. Actually, the fans down below, comment the the craziest thing you've snuck into the movie theater cuz I'm
00:21:23
actually curious to know who snuck in some wild like what do you think the biggest thing you could put something down your pants if it's long?
00:21:29
Yeah. You know what I mean? Well, I mean, if you have like a [ __ ] if if it's like a big thing, you just put it in your pants. They're not they don't care.
00:21:36
Jackets, by the way, Midwest, we don't have that out here. When winter comes, you can sneak in a [ __ ] entire kitchen into a movie theater.
00:21:41
Yeah. Have you ever peed in the movie? [Laughter]
00:21:47
Into what? the bucket. No, on the ground. You just pissed on the ground one time. I did. Well, it goes that way. What? It just goes away from me.
00:21:53
Cuz it was back in the um early 80s. Yeah. Back when it was normal. Yeah, it was normal back in the 80s.
00:21:58
Yeah. You do you remember the movie? Evil Dead. Evil Dead. Yeah. Yeah. That was not the '8s. Yeah, it was like late '7s.
00:22:04
You didn't want to miss a minute. That was a kid. I remember. And my friend, my cousin Jennifer cuz here's what we went to the movie.
00:22:10
There was Empire Strikes Back playing and Evil Dead. And I was like, "Can we do Empire Strikes Back?" And she was
00:22:15
like older. She said, "No, we're doing evil." You already saw Empire Strikes Back. See a double feature, dude. Yeah. So, I was No, we our parents, we
00:22:22
only had two hours. Okay. So, anyway, we went in there, right? And just to make her mad, I peed on the ground. And I remember it ruined the
00:22:29
movie for her. He [ __ ] hated it. But anyway, I did it that time. You never done that? No. Okay. Never peed in a theater.
00:22:36
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offer. Also, I saw a sign that today yesterday that bugged me to no end. They had a me Okay, it's one of these like
00:25:12
progressive places, but they're trying way too hard. It had a men's bathroom and a women's bathroom, right? So, it
00:25:18
literally said MN Women. Then below that on each door had an image of, and you've
00:25:24
seen this before, it's like half man, half a dress, and then it says and then a disabled icon and it says whatever,
00:25:31
just wash your hands. So I was like, "So what is it?" You know that that's that's the symbol.
00:25:38
That one right there, gender neutral. It was a gender neutral. So it had that below the other sign that already said
00:25:43
man or woman. So it's like just say [ __ ] bathroom. This is what say bathroom then.
00:25:48
It's It's the guy that's doing the signs. So it's the guy that's doing
00:25:54
just listen to the guy. No, just listen. [ __ ] the guy that made these signs. Yeah. Yeah. No. No. It's not that sign. It's this. Okay. that the original one
00:26:02
is the men's one, right? And then somebody at the at the meeting, right, said,
00:26:07
"Hey, we need new signs." I don't think that's what they said, bro. You know, it's 2025, bro. We need
00:26:14
[ __ ] new signs, right? Well, Pedro, I don't think we're trust. You're aligned. But let me tell you something. I bought the new signs on, you know, Amazon,
00:26:21
right? But you know what? I'm going to keep the old sign on just in case. Yeah. Yeah. No, because he's lazy.
00:26:27
Ah, right. Not because not because the character is Mexican. See, I think that I'm just saying he's like, I'm just
00:26:33
going to put this side underneath the old sign. Right. Right. Yeah. You know, but you know, they'll they'll
00:26:38
get it. They'll get it. But then Santino comes along and goes, I don't like that. I don't just say bathroom. By the way,
00:26:44
they should all just say bathroom then. That's the deal. If you're going to keep doing this game, just say [ __ ] bathroom. And it should, you know what
00:26:50
the sign should say? If you're a guy, lift the [ __ ] seat up and piss and put it down when you're done. That's
00:26:55
what the sign should actually say. Don't piss on the seat. Don't be an [ __ ] And then it's just a place to pee and poop. But but you
00:27:02
they should have ones. This is big signage at its side. See the little white head on it?
00:27:07
Yeah. What if they have race specific ones? Oh, that's funny. Race neutral bathroom.
00:27:13
No, just no spec. Why don't we just go the reverse way? Oh, just white and black bathrooms.
00:27:18
No. And diff different ones. Oh, you like water fountains like that, too? What else do you want to do? You want
00:27:24
schools to be only one color? No, because can I say something for Asians, right? We like Carlos. We like lower, you know,
00:27:30
toilets. You need lower sinks. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And lower things. You know what I mean? We like, you know. Yeah. We'll make the Asian only.
00:27:36
Yeah. I get that. What would the What would the black one have in it? Well, it'd be taller. That's for sure.
00:27:43
On average. Go back to that picture. There'd be graffiti.
00:27:48
So, it's an art. Oh my god, dude. Did you see that video of that girl that [ __ ] had a panic
00:27:55
attack parasailing and then unclipped her [ __ ] and she died? Oh, big time. Oh.
00:28:00
Oh, [ __ ] big time. Big time died. Look at the her What the [ __ ] That's not it. Oh, there
00:28:06
it is. There's the footage. So, she's like she's freaking out. She's freaking out and then she uncips
00:28:12
the [ __ ] harness. Why? Cuz she's having a panic attack. You don't see anything gruesome here. You
00:28:18
just She just disappears. But look, she gets out of she takes off the jacket. She must be having a severe Look at how
00:28:24
high she is. This poor girl. She gets out of the harness and is like, "No, I don't want
00:28:30
to be here anymore." And then gone. Say Tom Cruz. Yeah. Well, that that turns out that
00:28:36
mission was possible. I mean, mission complete. That's insane.
00:28:41
I don't know why she would do that. She must have had a crazy panic attack. By the way, these things are all These
00:28:46
things are [ __ ] atrocious. How many times a year do you hear these accidents? They go down. Kids go down to Mexico and these things some [ __ ]
00:28:52
wild [ __ ] happens with parasailing. It's It's a terrible They're so dumb.
00:28:58
Can you see if she died? She did die, dude. It just said that in the article. Oh my god. But did she know she was
00:29:04
going to die? I think if you're 200 feet up, you'd know you're going to die. Then why would she do that? I think she had a panic attack. 60
00:29:11
accidents, injuries, and fatalities over one death per 100,000 trips. Let me tell you something. If one in one that that's
00:29:18
not worth no one in 100,000 is worth it. There's no exact number of parasailing
00:29:23
deaths per year. You know why? Because they all happen in Mexico. Yeah. And they don't [ __ ] report it. If there was a roller coaster and they
00:29:28
go one in every 100,000 people die on this. Would you go? I'm not interested. That's why I do roller coasters because it's not one in
00:29:34
roller coasters is probably like one in every [ __ ] hundred million. Yeah. They never It never happens. But it puts more fear into the roller
00:29:41
coaster. That's what makes it funner, right, Carlos? Come on. That's not what makes it more funner. I mean, two to four, that's not enough to
00:29:46
get my blood going. That's not even fatalities half the time. It's just accidents. Health. The
00:29:51
fatalities from these accidents are often guest health issues, right? Like heart attack. People have heart attack or stroke.
00:29:57
You should drive fast on the freeway and turn your lights off for two seconds. Yeah. Exciting. Okay.
00:30:02
Yeah, I do that sometimes cuz I I've always like these girls, they have all this dash footage of these girls texting and flipping their cars.
00:30:09
That is some of the funniest [ __ ] dude. cuz I have a morbid morbid fantasy of creating a a water park, but it's everyone dies on each ride.
00:30:15
Oh, like I have a a water slide. Wait till word gets out about it. I have a water slide where you go in a
00:30:20
tube, but it gets smaller and smaller. Oh my god, that's like my nightmare. And then you get stuck, right, but the
00:30:26
water's still flowing. Oh, Bob. Other people, you know what I mean? Hop, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, that's one of
00:30:31
them. Death trap water slide. Yeah. Welcome to death trap. You don't have thoughts like that? Absolutely not.
00:30:37
What? What's wrong with me? I don't know. Yeah. Well, you know, Nate Barati's making a theme park. Maybe you can pitch this to theme park.
00:30:43
Yeah. At Natland, you could die in the water park. Uh, exactly. Numbers aren't. There are
00:30:50
specifically a few fatalities annual in the US water parks. Drowning is a significant risk, by the way. No, this
00:30:55
has got to be [ __ ] up, too. Every year a kid dies at those wave pools. Every year a kid dies at one of these wave
00:31:00
pools cuz they get stuck in the thing. They can't swim. Wave pools are sick, though. They're sick. They're so fun.
00:31:06
Yeah. You know what you and I got to go to at least one time? Look at Yeah. Look at that. The wave pool. Would you go in that? I don't think you would go in there. I've been to pools
00:31:12
with you. If there's one person in sometimes you're like, I'm not going in there. That's true. I don't want to go in if there's one person in the pool. I want
00:31:17
it to be quiet. Yeah. That that for that's that is a this is genuinely
00:31:22
that's an anxiety attack. That's where you pull out the shoot. I can't do that. Also, rest in peace to
00:31:28
that girl. I wasn't making fun of her. I was saying that's crazy. The poor girl had a panic attack and jumped. How much SARS is in that water?
00:31:37
That's where there's got to be SARS in there. That's where CO really started at a wave poolool. Oh man, I saw a funny meme online of the
00:31:43
kid of of uh Ron Weasley. I don't know. I can't remember the actor's name.
00:31:48
Yeah. Of yelling uh it was like he was holding gasoline in the air. Yeah. What did he
00:31:54
say? Expensive petroleum. Expens Yeah. What does he say? This is a great
00:32:08
[Music] [Laughter] Dude,
00:32:14
dude, he's Ron Weasley 24/7, that guy. Dude, that's amazing. That's killer. That's so funny. But that's almost almost like a wand he
00:32:20
pulled up there. You know what I mean? That's why he did it. Wow. That's so funny. Expensive petroleum.
00:32:26
God, he's so good. What a brilliant thing to do. Play into the bit, though. So good, man. So funny. Oh, I got bad news for you,
00:32:32
too. Your boy Diddy just got 50 months. I know. Does he go to your meetings at Ron Weasley or No, he hasn't been in years. He doesn't
00:32:39
Who's been showing up to your meetings lately? Kathy Griffin's there. She leaves it. Yeah. Keratop. Look at the Look at the picture
00:32:45
that they put up of Diddy bending over on the stool. Did you see that? They're like, "Man, they did Diddy wrong." They
00:32:51
drew him like bent over the stool crying. 50 months. Yeah, that one. That
00:32:56
second one. Yeah. Yeah. They're like, they did him wrong in the court drawing. Isn't that a good time though? I mean,
00:33:02
he was going to get way worse, right? He should have gotten worse. He should have got like 40 years. I think four years he got off.
00:33:08
Did you sayif 50 months? Is that the truth? Is that what it was? Four. Four months. And cut that in half. He'll get out
00:33:13
earlier. Yes. Time served and all that stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Probably get out in [ __ ] two and a half years.
00:33:18
Yeah. And then would you go to the next diddy party when he gets out? Oh yeah. How good it's going to be.
00:33:23
How do you get invited to those? I I've never been to one. How do you get invited to those? I don't know. Yeah. I don't Yeah. You know, let me who
00:33:29
who would get invited first, you or me? Oh, brother. You. Carlos. Oh, Carlos first.
00:33:35
Buddy, you and I don't get invited to any parties. I know. But I wonder what I would wear to a diddy party.
00:33:40
Yeah. Get a suit. Easy. You want easy access to your tush? Maybe one of those assless chaps. Yeah.
00:33:46
You know, with a little flap. I would be nervous to a diddy party. Yeah. Imagine he is going to throw a party when he gets out. You do know that.
00:33:52
It's going to be sick. It's going to be Carlos. It's going to be sick. Sick. It's going to be Would you rather go to a diddy party or
00:33:58
a Cosby party? Oh, well, diddy cuz I want to remember it.
00:34:04
Cosby party and no recollection of the party. Yeah, I just woke up in my car the next day.
00:34:10
I didn't like it when he made those kids walk to [ __ ] Brooklyn for cheesecake. That's like the first time I actually
00:34:15
hated him. You don't even know the reference I'm making. No, I don't. Did he did a show called uh was it Making the Band or whatever the what was
00:34:21
the name of his show? Making the Band. Making the Band. And he would he would make them go on these missions, right? Right. And they had to go do [ __ ] for
00:34:26
him and he had to make one time he made them walk I want to say it was across
00:34:32
Brooklyn Bridge for cheesecake making that's not a like that's not a proof of that you're loyal cheesecake though.
00:34:38
It was phenomenal cheesecake. Yeah I did. It depends on what kind of cheesecake it is. No. There's no cheesecake that good. Now if
00:34:43
it was tiramisu we have a totally different conversation. Yeah. But tiramisu is undoubtedly the best. Are they being televised?
00:34:49
Yeah it was on MTV. Well then yeah do it. Don't do it. I knew you would agree with I know. See TV guy. I knew you'd agree with this
00:34:55
method of Well, no. It's basically like this. It's like when when Leo was on the Revenant, right? He was out there in the cold.
00:35:02
Yeah. That's so different than this. It's not. It's not that. It's not. Leo was You do the job.
00:35:07
Leo was in character. Yeah. And these kids aren't in the character. They're not in character. They're I'm playing the [ __ ] cheesecake guy.
00:35:13
You're the cheesecake guy. Okay. You are the You're the cheesecake guy, dude. No, you are. Okay. What What do you mean by that?
00:35:18
What do you want on it? Yeah. I don't like cheesecake. Well, then [ __ ] Why would I be the cheesecake guy? Well,
00:35:23
exactly. What I'm saying though is if the cameras are rolling and they're playing a role, right? You're a reality show studio show
00:35:29
guy. If the cameras are rolling, you know what I mean? It's like get the cheesecake. Haven't you done this with someone where
00:35:34
you made him get you breakfast burritos at like 5 in the morning? Yeah, but I pay them good. Okay. Yeah. Who got you breakfast?
00:35:39
Still slightly demeaning. Like Alex and stuff. I I'll get I'll call Alex and go because um there's some breakfast burritos that don't deliver.
00:35:46
So you say go get it for me? Yeah. And they get it. Yeah. Crazy. What do you got? 100 bucks. Lucky Boys in Pasadena.
00:35:52
Oh, you've been there. Lucky Boys Pasadena has the best breakfast burritos in LA.
00:35:58
Look it up. I want to see what And they don't they don't deliver. So times sometimes I'll call somebody and go, "Yo, I'll give you $100. Go down to
00:36:06
Pastina. Give me Lucky Boys [ __ ] breakfast burrito." Do you get cheese fries with it? Yeah, I get the whole thing.
00:36:12
That looks good. The best thing about See, that's the key. You get You have the breakfast burrito
00:36:17
right to your right. It's the perfect amount of everything dispersed equally. Eggs, cheese, bacon, sausage, hash
00:36:24
browns, and that's it. Yes. And look at to the left. The best ranch sauce
00:36:30
with the best hot sauce and and you duck them together. I know you don't get the cheese chili cheese fries. That's
00:36:35
No, I don't get that. I I I can only eat one Lucky Boy [ __ ] one Lucky Boy burrito. Burrito. Yeah. Yeah.
00:36:41
And that's 900 calories. My second favorite That's a big burrito. Yeah. is the um Corner Cottage.
00:36:49
Where the [ __ ] is that in Burbank? They deliver. Get the Corner Cottage breakfast burrito. That's my
00:36:56
second second favorite. My third favorite is Kofax. Kofax is good. They've been good for
00:37:01
years. Yeah. And if you don't have an opinion about breakfast burrito, don't be my friend. All right.
00:37:07
Do you have an opinion about it? I tell you who's got a pretty good ass [ __ ] breakfast burrito is uh right here um up at Sportsman's Lodge. It's
00:37:15
called uh Airwin has a good one. No, no, [ __ ] that. What's the What's the
00:37:20
spot? That's Civil Coffee. They have a good [ __ ] breakfast burrito. I like their You know why? I like that they have chunky potatoes. I like those big
00:37:27
cube potatoes. I don't know, man. Oh, look at that thing. Give me Yeah.
00:37:33
Oh, look at the big chunky I like big chunky [ __ ] potatoes, baby. Okay, give me chunky potatoes.
00:37:39
Look at that thing. Stop making that [ __ ] noise, man. Look. Wait. And look at but zoom in and look at and look at look at the fry oil
00:37:46
cuz you can still see through the burrito. [Music] M by the way as soon as I eat that
00:37:52
lucky boy [ __ ] burrito. As soon as I eat that my stomach lucky boy is lucky me lucky boy. Me with
00:38:00
lucky boyum. Okay. That's me and with lucky boy.
00:38:05
I'll kiss the burrito. I'll [ __ ] the burrito now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You want me to [ __ ] a burrito, dude? I don't. Okay.
00:38:10
That's your Sorry. My bad to YouTube. But I get it. I get it. All right. Yeah, we get it. If there are places in LA where you can
00:38:17
the best of something, you know what I mean? That's why the city is still why it's still holding up. Yeah. Yeah.
00:38:22
What should we be for Halloween this year? The girl from Silent Hill F. Oh, that looks like you. Yeah.
00:38:28
Yeah. I've been playing that game. No, I haven't started yet. I I have I've been playing it. The [ __ ]
00:38:33
I'm going to give up. I've died 15 times already. I was going to say it looks really hard. I don't want to deal with that right now.
00:38:39
I'll tell you. Can I tell you what is hard? Mhm. There's only two modes. Story and hard.
00:38:48
So story is like too easy. No, story is too hard. I I don't even know what hard's like. [ __ ] that then.
00:38:53
All right. In the beginning of the game, you're stuck in this small little
00:38:58
Japanese town. Yeah. Okay. And all of a sudden, there's these creatures that come out with a kn. It's [ __ ] scary as [ __ ]
00:39:04
What's the name of the game? Silent Hill F. And um I'm ready for some [ __ ] Halloween
00:39:10
[ __ ] Are we going to go to a haunted house? Oh, yeah. Let's do it. You see that creature? Yeah. They're like,
00:39:16
"Is that Ali Wong?" Yeah. Ali Wong's You play Ali Wong and
00:39:22
you're the first 20 minutes of the game, you're just dodging like running from them and you can hear them chase you.
00:39:29
It's so petrifying scary. And there's no It's all melee weapons. So you
00:39:34
eventually you pick up a pole like that. Yeah. Or Yeah. or something like that or like a pipe and you're fighting these
00:39:40
creatures with a pipe. It's so hard. That's too hard. It's so [ __ ] hard, but it is
00:39:45
beautiful and it's pretty scary. Bad friends Halloween. What are we going to be for Halloween? Yeah, I was just writing on my notes.
00:39:52
Okay, Bad Bunny. Oh yeah, people are mad at Bad Bunny for doing the Super Bowl. Is that what it is? He was so good on SNL.
00:39:58
Yeah, dude. He's the man. I What's the issue? Go ahead. You're a Spaniard. What's the issue with Bad Bunny playing the Super Bowl?
00:40:03
I think people don't like that he speaks Spanish. Only Spanish. What percentage of America speaks Spanish? He speaks
00:40:10
English. Yeah, like me. You're right. Bad English. Doesn't matter.
00:40:16
15% of the 14% of the 45 million people speak Spanish. There a lot of people will get it. Me and
00:40:23
I think I think Bad Bunny is the [ __ ] Yeah.
00:40:29
We should do a Bad Friends Spanish edition and try to speak only in Spanish. Good luck. Well, how do you say bad friends in
00:40:35
Spanish? Malos Manos Maros amigos. Maralos amigos. Hey, welcome to Marlo
00:40:40
amigos. Dude, that was one thing that Leo did right in that movie was he got his he got the Spanish right when he when he
00:40:47
was like vibing with those dudes. You could tell he they loved him. Shia can do that too with the Mexicans.
00:40:52
He vibes with them. Oh yeah, dude. Look at that. Yeah, because Shia But Shia's from from where in LA. He's from Echo Park, right?
00:40:59
Yeah, he can do that. Leo, didn't Leo grow up a little bit nicer? Los Fela's area. A little bit nicer. Yeah,
00:41:05
I I wish that we grew up like in LA. Not me. Why? I'd like being from Chicago.
00:41:10
It would have been easier, I think, though. Well, for the business, I don't think so. But you watch a Charlie Sheen, right,
00:41:15
documentary in Malibu when Sean Penn and all those guys neighborhood kids were making films. It they it started then.
00:41:23
But that's a fantasy moment in time. In the same way that like what are the chances that
00:41:28
like the Will Ferrell class of SNL, it's like these are fantasy moments in time. These are in a fantasy moment. I didn't
00:41:35
have a fantasy moment. We're living in it right now. Oh, now. Yeah. We made bad friends together. This is This is our This is our little fantasy
00:41:42
moment. Yeah. But you know, it'd be cool that you're in an avocado field with young Kiano Reeves. You know what I mean?
00:41:47
What are you doing out there? What? Throwing avocados at each other. You mean cut it out. Yeah. You like, "Cut it out, dude.
00:41:53
Cut it out, bro." Yeah. And uh Well, it was [ __ ] great. That was what a great throw, Bobby. You I mean, thank you, Keanu. I talk
00:42:00
like that, too. He's I would probably talk like that too, dude. Because Keano Ree would influence me.
00:42:06
It's like, bro, dude, [ __ ] fantastic. You got an A in geometry, dude. Now you just sound like your brother.
00:42:12
I know. That sounds like Stevie. Yeah, I think it influences you, right? So, it's like, you know, you you grew up
00:42:18
with Diero, right? Right. Diero. Hey, you're doing a little Yeah. Yeah. Hey, you know, if you want
00:42:25
me to help you tutor in that biology class, I think I I'll help you. I think you would have been in good
00:42:30
fellas. Don't you think that's really good? Yeah. I don't want to grow up in LA. You're Don't you have to grow up in San Diego?
00:42:35
I'm two time Nicki Bob. Two time Nicki Bob. Yeah. Two time Nicki Bob.
00:42:41
I said Nikki Bob twice. Every time. Nikki Bob. That's why they call me two
00:42:47
time. Okay. What do you mean? No, I like it. Nikki Bob.
00:42:52
Yeah. Nikki Bang. Nick Bob. Nick Bob. Nicki Bob. That's right. It's two times Nikki Bobs. You always say everything twice.
00:42:57
Yes. It's everything twice. Yeah. What's your name? Say it again. What's your name? What's your name?
00:43:03
I'm Slippery Santines. Yeah. Do the slides. Do the slide. Cops never caught me. Slippery Santines.
00:43:10
Yeah. As I sneak through. As he sneaks through. As he sneaks through.
00:43:15
It's actually pretty good. It's pretty good. Pretty good. Pretty good.
00:43:21
You would have grown up in LA. Okay. You would have grown up in Korea Town. Here's your life. Yeah. Yeah. You're working. You're [ __ ] busing at
00:43:27
at uh at Soul at Soul Park. Yeah. You're busing tables. You're you're
00:43:32
still going to take your same route. You're going to get Mad TV. Like nothing's going to change. Oh, you think that no matter where I
00:43:38
was, you were going to be always going to end up here. Or you're going to be on a roof during the riots. Yeah. I'm a rooftop Korean for sure.
00:43:44
For 100%. And I'm at that Carl Jr. drive-thru. Like, what is going on? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
00:43:50
You would have been Bobby Lee no matter where you were placed in the world. You were born to be Bobby Lee. Yeah. you were going to be you. And
00:43:55
that's what we love about you. I said those fantas fantasies aren't real. They're [ __ ] You're living a
00:44:01
fantasy. You live a dream. We get to talk to our fans and do stand up and like this is the best dream. It's the best dream we've ever lived.
00:44:06
Yeah. I don't ever want to wake up. But it would be great. Like you're in Echo Park. Like Shia is like, "Hey, let's go duck hunting." He's going to be friends with you.
00:44:12
You think you would have been his click? I think Shia would have liked me cuz he liked me. Okay. He likes you now. All right. Chances of becoming famous are extremely
00:44:18
slim. Said is less than 0.01% of the global population. And he's still not happy. He's still not
00:44:24
happy. The likely I'm so happy and so grateful. You just wish you were from LA. No, but when you when you watch that movie Charlie Sheen, it's just like it's
00:44:30
what an exciting life. Yeah. You know, I mean, he lived under the guise of famous parents. So, it it it like ushered him
00:44:37
into the world naturally. Yeah. Right. Like I told you that documentary, I love Better Bastards of Baseball.
00:44:42
It's great. Better bastards of paper. There it is. There's Nikki two times.
00:44:49
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00:45:38
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00:45:44
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00:47:21
Oh, that I could be that for Halloween. Yes. Yeah, that's great. Shave my beard like that. Little go.
00:47:27
Little uh Fu Manchu. Yeah. Where did the name Fu Manchu come from? I don't know, man. Asia.
00:47:33
It's a real guy. Is Fu Manchu a real guy? It's a guy. Yeah. Come on. You don't know that to be a
00:47:39
fact. We're just guessing. The name Fu Fu Manu Manchu was invented by British author Arthur Wild, writing as sex roach
00:47:45
ror 1913, a series of novels about a sinister Chinese villain Bobby Lee, becoming the embodiment of the yellow
00:47:51
peril Bobby Lee. Uh, the specific name likely comes from the generic Chinese surname Fu, historical ethnic group
00:47:57
Manchu, creating an exotic and threat and and threatening identity for the character. So, is Fu Manu Manchu gonna
00:48:02
be X out of our vernacular now because it's unpro? It's funny because people still call it
00:48:08
Fu Manchu. Like, isn't that called a Foo Manchu? What? Yeah, right. Those guys probably just aren't people
00:48:14
who would change how they talk. The character name originated from Arthur Ward. I like yellow peril.
00:48:19
Yellow peril is a great name for your special. Yeah, the yellow peril. Yeah, that's good. When are you ready to tape? Are you
00:48:25
getting close? No. Come on. I'm not. You're not at all close. But when when um
00:48:31
what hoola goes it this is the amount of time we expect. I'm like okay I got it. It's an hour right?
00:48:37
No. What do they expect out of you? 40 minutes. You're doing just 40. I'm going to do more. But I mean that's
00:48:42
I mean that's the long I have 40. So then I'm like okay. You want to do the least possible.
00:48:48
Yeah I'm doing least possible. Oh smart. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Bang for your buck. And then the next one is going to be great cuz I I'll clean slate. I'm going
00:48:55
to walk on. I'm just going to figure it out. I genuinely think you'll never do another one. And I think one is good. No, I'm going to do another one. I have
00:49:00
to. Why? Because there's no more personal things I want to talk about about how I really feel that I I don't do and I want to go
00:49:08
in. Why are you smirking? Because it's all like a pipe dream
00:49:13
because you were trying to show off for Louis like, "Oh, after this special I promise I'll really get into the depths
00:49:19
of comedy and you know." Okay. You know, my whole life has been
00:49:24
this. I believe in you. No, this is what I'm being real. My whole life has been you can't do it.
00:49:30
It's no no listen. My whole life has been this. Don't say me. You can't do it. It's not gonna happen.
00:49:36
This and that. And I always do it and I always prevail and I can't wait. And then when that
00:49:41
happens, I would love that. I can look at you and go, "What's up?" I would love that. And then you're going to be like, "Well, I never said that." Right? And then
00:49:46
we're going to have another conflict. It's a you'll see moment. It's actually just you'll see is my the whole reason why I
00:49:54
am even where I'm at. It's a good thing to bring up. You'll see. Cuz that was my favorite phrase when we were in Australia.
00:49:59
Bobby's the first thing out of his mouth. I'm going to be jacked. I'm going to get so jacked. And I go and you'll see. And I go, "No, you won't." You go,
00:50:05
"You'll see." Yeah. But we're we're past the year. You lost the It doesn't matter. The sea hasn't happened. Okay. When the sea happens, you'll do it
00:50:12
when the tides change. All right. So, I I went to that [ __ ] um um gym next to my house, Planet Fitness.
00:50:18
I I swear to God, I walked in there and I and I go, "Can I join?" And they're like, "Well, we need your bank account."
00:50:25
Why? I don't know why. I go I just have a credit card and they say we don't do it that way. We need your bank account. No, no, no, no.
00:50:30
That's what they said. I've never heard of that before in my life. That's I've never heard that before in my life, too. Bank account Equinox. What?
00:50:35
Go to Equinox. So then what? I No, but there's too many hot people there. What's wrong with that? Yeah. I don't want to be slothy in front of those people. You know what I mean?
00:50:41
Just get a personal trainer then. Yeah. So then I brought my friend Alex over there. You know my friend Alex that worked for me at Tiger. Yeah.
00:50:47
And um I didn't know how any of the machines worked either. Right. So once we go, we already went
00:50:53
once. He's gonna teach me how to those machines you don't even know how to get in them.
00:50:59
It's like a pole away and you don't know how to put the stick in and I I don't know what it works. It's like that Japanese game show where
00:51:04
they got to go through those cardboard cutouts on the thing. That's what it's like. Yeah. Yeah. And then then every machine works
00:51:11
on one thing. Like I don't want this muscle to be [ __ ] fit. This is a good muscle. Look at this.
00:51:16
Yeah, I know. You don't want that? Yeah. But I don't want that. You don't want that? Yeah. Yeah. Or like you know my elbows like gigantic and I'm like I did this
00:51:22
machine too long. All you really need to do is like push-ups, sit-ups, and then, you know, some squatty stuff.
00:51:28
No, but I want to learn how to do this one. The butterfly one. What the [ __ ] is that? There's one where there's sticks above
00:51:33
and you do this. Wait. Well, you do flies. Yeah. And then you do this one like flies like this, right?
00:51:39
I want to be able to do But even this machine is different. The bench press. Yeah. Just get on a Just get Go to Plant Fitness. It's evolved.
00:51:46
Oh, they've changed. Yeah. I don't know what the machines do. Look at the machines that are [ __ ] so complex. I sound like I'm the Kimmy
00:51:51
Schmidt who has like been buried for like 50 years now. Yeah. Yeah. Is he on all the machines?
00:51:56
You see that machine right there? I didn't sit on that. I went reverse and my knees were on that thing. Right. I
00:52:02
was staring backwards. It would be funny to see a Bobby Lee workout video trying the machines for the first time. Yeah.
00:52:08
Like I don't know how to get into that. She's in it right now. Just like that. Squat. Well, now I know after seeing her. Squat and press.
00:52:14
Yeah. So, you're not going to be going to Planet Fit. Why don't you have someone come to your house to train you from your house? I don't have weights. You don't need much. You can do bands.
00:52:20
You can do you can do exercise with so little today. Yeah, maybe tomorrow night this I I just decided
00:52:26
just now. No, I just literally decided because I have I have my pod tomorrow at 4. Mhm.
00:52:32
And then Alex will be there afterwards. I'm going to give him a little money. Go right to the and I'm go right to Planet Fitness. I'm
00:52:37
going to finish the training. I thought you couldn't get in without your bank. No, you can do a day pass. So that's what I'm going to do.
00:52:43
I'm going to get two day passes. I'm going to figure out how all the machines work. I'll even video it.
00:52:48
Okay. No, I'm being real. I want to do it because I'm just I I think my thinness isn't good.
00:52:54
What do you What do you mean? I still look fat. What's the tone? You don't look fat. No, if you take my shirt off, it's not
00:53:00
good. What do you mean? It's just It's just lumpy. It's Andreas. Like I'm So No offense.
00:53:08
We don't know what he looks like without a shirt. I do. I do. No offense, dude. And none taken. None taken. It's so much offense. He's
00:53:13
taking it. No. What I'm saying is that it's Can I be honest with you? I'm a pork, too.
00:53:18
Yeah. You're more like a FL. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm FL. You're like a FL. Yeah. What's dessert
00:53:24
name? If we're all desserts, he's Flan. What's What's Carlos?
00:53:30
What is it? He's like a churro. No, he's like a baguette. Oh, yeah. Yeah. A baguette. Yeah.
00:53:35
For dessert. Yeah. You Nobody wants it. Nobody wants it. Um flaky and Yeah.
00:53:41
You have a great body. It's fine. It's up and down. Yeah. But it's pretty good. You can see the muscles. It can be if I
00:53:48
where they're supposed to be out with me and Andreas. No, we don't know what muscles what.
00:53:54
That's what I'm saying. I I think he's a father now. He has less
00:54:00
time to work out. Yeah. Dads have way less time. He's busy. He's either editing, taking care of his kid, or editing.
00:54:05
Dad bod. Dadbod life. And dude, his dude, the chicks, especially in our age range,
00:54:11
they love dad bods. They do. Yes, they [ __ ] do. M you ask any girl of of a of an age
00:54:17
that's our range, right? I'm sure girls in their like 20s don't like dad bods. They want young. But like 30s and up,
00:54:24
those girls love dad bots. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. Oh, I can't wait. I'm inspired today, dude. You are?
00:54:30
Oh, yeah. I'm doing it because you're right. I did say that by now I would. Oh, yeah.
00:54:35
And I didn't. Yeah. I did lose the weight. Yeah. Five weeks. No, I don't. Well, I'm going to start tomorrow. What can I in five weeks? Do
00:54:41
you think if I start tomorrow in five weeks, do you think you'll be able to see see the difference? If you have to if you go every every like other day. Yeah.
00:54:47
Yeah. You would you have to go like literally three four days a week? Yeah. Yeah. You're going to do it? Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to do it.
00:54:53
God, I think it's a great idea. I love this. Yeah. Yeah. And that Who are you doing it for, though? That's the real question. What?
00:54:58
Who are you doing it for? Spite. No, I'm doing it because when I when Cuz women find you attractive.
00:55:04
Yeah. I get giggles when I walk into the We spa steam room. From who? Little Asians. No. From all
00:55:11
the everybody. They give because they know who you are. I I don't know if that's okay. In my mind, I think it's it. But it could be my
00:55:17
porgi Andreas like body. No. You know, he's going to go home and be
00:55:23
like, I'm going to quit the show. Join the gym. Yeah. You are Are you a member at a gym?
00:55:29
No. Yeah. Your wife is though? Yes. She's in Your wife's in phenomenal shape. Mhm.
00:55:35
She work she works full-time, is a full-time mom, and still has time to go work out.
00:55:40
Damn, dude. God, did you get her? He's funny. Yeah, you're a funny guy. Sorry. You know what? I love you. You're
00:55:47
right. I see their skill set. Not taken. Yeah. Yeah. None taken. Taken. Hopefully not.
00:55:52
None taken. He has to none taken. He's building all this up to like shut us down. Are you offended right now?
00:55:57
No. I love you. Yeah. You know that. Mhm. Yeah. Deeply. Mhm. Okay.
00:56:02
Fans. Fancy. does not does not buy it. It's emotional abuse. Yeah. Yeah.
00:56:08
Is it emotional abuse? Yeah. I think if you were doing this to like your partner, they could like record it and like show all their
00:56:13
friends and they'd be mad at you, right? Like that like that Mel Gibson, you should just shut up and blow me.
00:56:19
Andreas is going to have this on loop in the courtroom. Pork, pork, pork.
00:56:26
You know, I apologize, dude. I'll use a different reference next time. Okay. Yeah. I think it's just because he loves you.
00:56:33
Yeah, we all are mean to each other because we love each other. Thank you. That's the only reason we do it. That's the only reason.
00:56:38
Have you ever hooked up in the movie theater? No. Have you? Oh, yeah. Well, the movie's empty, right?
00:56:44
No. People were there. You have to watch a bad movie, right? No. I've got I got a I got a hand tug over over a coat. Underneath a coat
00:56:51
like Gremlins 5. Yeah. No one's in there. Yeah. You couldn't [ __ ] It [ __ ] would be impossible.
00:56:56
I don't think so, dude. Where are you [ __ ] Unless no one's in there. Like in Germany there's like on Pornhub videos of like Germans [ __ ]
00:57:04
that that's a that's a casted porno. It's not hidden camera. No, some it's like a real movie playing in the background.
00:57:09
Yeah, but Germans are [ __ ] lunatics. They're lunatics. Yeah. Yeah. Will you [ __ ] me to see it? They created two girls one cup, bud.
00:57:16
Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When when are they going to add another cup? Yeah. They can't just share that one forever.
00:57:22
Yeah. No, I got a I got a handy tug in a movie theater. I thought that was kind of tight. Was there a one girl one cup? I mean, why'd you go to the second movie first?
00:57:29
Elevated, dude. Jump. It went right to two. Do part one. Anyway, you know what that reminds me of? Every
00:57:35
time every time somebody brings up Two Girls One Cup, I always think about Cake Farts. Do you remember cake farts? Cake
00:57:40
farts are great. One of the best. That was when the internet was really finding itself. Now it's just evil and [ __ ] dark and
00:57:46
sad and nasty and you're like, "You want to see a guy get killed live on Twitter?" Well, look, we're going to create our movie theater
00:57:52
of uh Indian uh corn and uh cave butter, native corn and native corn. So, please come to our
00:57:58
new movie theater and it's called they're going to be called fancy corn. What
00:58:04
the theater? What's the name of our theater chain? We're going to make a chain of theaters. Oh, yeah. You're good at naming things. Yeah.
00:58:09
You've always been good. It's got to go. There's got to be a la la. There's got to be Make it French.
00:58:15
You know what I mean? La crochet la crochet prefil. Yeah, that's what it's called. The preferred crochet.
00:58:21
The preferred crochet. Yeah, that's it. La prefer crochet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, please come see the la crochet. Yeah. We'll have fancy native butter,
00:58:27
not Indian. Sorry, I said ice. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We'll have cave butter cave butter. Well, all the fixings, right? No smart
00:58:34
water. You don't like that? It's [ __ ] Yeah, it's [ __ ] Okay. And we'll have filtered water.
00:58:39
No charge. No charge. And you can pee at your seat. There's little toilets. Yeah.
00:58:44
Thank you for being a bad friend. It's called Fire and Ice.
00:58:51
What's up? What is it? It's a It's a move called Fire and Ice.
00:58:58
Go on. You get like Mentos or like like some sort of like mouthwash. You make it super like crisp and stuff and you go
00:59:05
down on them like a guy like a girl does it to a guy and then What is this? Call her daddy now. What
00:59:11
show are we? Yeah. Yeah. Where's the fire part? The ice. It's like It's like
00:59:16
Oh, so it's ice and ice. It's ice and ice. The name is more just
00:59:22
Where's the fire come from? Yeah. Where's the fire? Super minty. The menthol the the menthol and mint
00:59:27
makes it hot. You hot. Yeah, I got that wrong. But the ice is like just super intense and you go back and forth between the two
00:59:33
one time in high school. This girl I was wait Okay, go ahead. No, I mean just it doesn't make any sense.
00:59:38
Hit him. Go ahead. Hit him. Yeah. Yeah. I could be remembering the escort ad. I think it's just called Ice.
00:59:43
Sounds like ice and ice. Yeah. Yeah. The door [ __ ] flips open, right? There's guys with guns and stuff.
00:59:50
Is that what it is? Show me your papers. Yay. Yeah. You're just going down on ice agents.
00:59:56
Ice and ice. Yeah. No, I promise. Have you ever had a bump blumpkin? Oh, wait. What's that again?
01:00:02
I don't know. It's where you get ahead when you're taking a poop. That's right. Yeah. It's not That's not a good one. That's not a good one.
01:00:08
It's not a good one at all. Yeah. I mean, what do you mean? What do you mean? No, it' be fun.
01:00:13
Have you I've never had it. That would be kind of fun. Yeah. I I've never had one.
01:00:18
A blunk? No. Not even close. [Music]
