00:00:00
you two are bad friends who are these two idiots a white dude and an Asian
00:00:05
dude you two are disgusting you two are something we're
00:00:10
bad friends yeah let's let's complain to the guys in the booth about this you come make a about yeah yeah or or or
00:00:17
maybe you know go up on stage you know what I mean uhhuh we have work ethic you know you know you don't
00:00:26
and stop complaining then you know it's your generation dude me we're gritty dude we are yeah we we click click right
00:00:33
you know what that is Click Click what's that my check work I'm checking in the work at the factory oh yeah yeah don't
00:00:40
they do that click click right and then you go hello supervisor Monroe they go
00:00:45
hello there you know what I mean lineman look at this yeah what what are
00:00:52
you doing why do you have that that's Andrew seat oh really oh yeah yeah it sucks oh
00:00:58
it sucks you want to switch no know I want to see this what Andrew likes anyway you click click click opens up
00:01:05
his butt okay I know he has back he has back eges oh my god he has a spinal disc a gay little boy he's a gay disc he has
00:01:11
a little G gay discs in his back he's a gay they're dismantled what a crybaby huh he really is well what if he hit his
00:01:17
head on the toilet remember yeah like a cry baby how do he hit his head on the toilet you got all woozy like woo I'm
00:01:23
redheaded I get wooy you know I mean he fall Falls over this is so good wait what's mine
00:01:29
the one what's yours uh a white man's one mine is um dude milk because
00:01:36
Andrew's not here you're going to chop I like it yeah what did it
00:01:41
say I can't do this today man I'm so tired oh my God it's raining hold on hold on hold on what
00:01:48
you oh my
00:01:57
god Andrew's definitely not here Andre out here oh my Andrew be yelling at that does he not let see here's what's good
00:02:03
about me and you doing the pond I'll let you be you I won't keep you in the cave I know when I do that he doesn't like it
00:02:09
he doesn't like it he's an oppressor dude yes yeah dude and I'm going to say this right now dude I've had enough of
00:02:15
him setting the rules it's all about him dude we going to do it this time you
00:02:21
have to do it this or you're not doing it you know what I mean he gets mad you have and he does it and he does it all while sitting on a
00:02:27
seesaw like this yeah he's like this on seaw like a seahorse yeah he's like a
00:02:33
seahorse yeah seahorse seesaw it's like a bike without us yeah like you don't shut up all right you shut up I can't
00:02:40
believe that's what he does all right you B I love when now every time I see a clip of Andrew when he's like yelling or getting mad at being a d go like this I
00:02:47
know I know he right oh but your backwards but you can play golf all day exactly you I mean what kind of golf are
00:02:53
you playing dude scumbag scumbag golf you don't play golf do you no I know why why because you're a man yeah yes you're
00:03:00
a real man I'm not going to do i' i'i I've made a decision I'm not going to do do what other people do I'm not going to
00:03:06
do the things that will advance my career I'm not doing get get that back say it again you're not going to I'm not
00:03:13
going to play golf or what what B bow or what I'm what we do what do we do what
00:03:21
do we what we do what do you and I do kiss on the lips at the we also read kard yes we kard fear and trembling
00:03:30
hold on we read guard yeah watch Kurosawa films Kur films we meditate we
00:03:35
meditate dude with their dicks out yes we we meditate a lot we go for walks and
00:03:41
take your pants down you know what I did yesterday my friend I was in the green room before you got there right there
00:03:46
was all guys in there I just pulled my penis out good yeah and everyone laughed yeah yeah like the old days yeah yeah
00:03:53
the guard comedy they laugh K dude it's kard comedy Kart comedy it's existential
00:03:58
philosophical comedy dude you have to think about it and Ponder dude people don't Ponder anymore
00:04:07
Dantes they don't Ponder anymore dto let's Ponder I know dude what did you ponder about today I was able to follow
00:04:13
you last night re yeah that's what I'm P pondering dude I was scared yeah you
00:04:19
know what I mean you're a Madison Square Garden comic now allegedly allegedly dude allegedly we'll see what happens
00:04:25
check your news feed yes so um great lineup last night really was I like doing comedy here hi you remember hi you
00:04:33
remember her um Ruby Ruby rubyyy Rudy Ruby cake Ruby cake hello oh
00:04:40
wow she's putting makeup on are you wow yeah this is this is Tiger belly
00:04:46
shouldn't do [ __ ] oh wow yeah yeah but for bad friends look at her she was coming I
00:04:51
knew she was coming hello yeah hello welcome again what's wait wait what's his name the Stefano yeah have you ever
00:04:59
seen him online sometimes yeah he cops up I see you the tubby wear oh Tubba Weare yeah what's
00:05:05
that I've done I mispronounced the word tub Weare on my old podcast hey babe with Sal volcano and that's the thing
00:05:11
that went viral not the jokes that I've written I know that's the the things that go viral you you can't plan and I
00:05:17
get I have to do comedy shows and people bring tub Weare and I sign them even though I'm done you I'm an accomplished comedian I tuare like that yeah what was
00:05:24
the bit I don't never seen that I just mispronounced the word tumble Weare because I thought it was Tu BB r
00:05:30
that's so funny tub but it was TP I didn't know that yeah I didn't want to see it you know what happened was is is
00:05:37
the gay community on Tik Tok I swear to God they started coming out to their parents they started doing like all like
00:05:43
you know like Tik Tok you could take the audio they started coming out to their parents with the tubberware video and that's what made it super viral oh W
00:05:51
they would do that they come out like I'm gay I'm tubberware what I don't get it I don't know I'm gay
00:05:57
what you say what is it I don't know yeah but they this whole thing and then it went viral they little but holes in a
00:06:04
little let me ask you your your relationship with sell good of course but you end it then you will you do it
00:06:10
are you done with him no well we just stopped the Pod we were both he was he was going back on tour and practical
00:06:16
joker started again I'm a gambler so I'm addicted to losing I like to lose it get it back lose it get it back lose it get
00:06:21
it back I cancel the show I put it back now you're back with Yan back with Yan then I'll stop it put it back yeah yeah
00:06:27
yeah that's he's so happy that you're back y Shout Out history is because that is was
00:06:32
I finally found a place too for me to just be so wild on the patreon there just say what I want do what I want yeah
00:06:38
and you like to say Wild Things huh I like to say wild things but I kept getting demonetized yeah so now I don't if you were at a zoo let me ask you a
00:06:44
question you're at a zoom either fall into a pit okay animal pit right okay you have chimps would you rather fall
00:06:51
into chimps hyenas or the third one's a good
00:06:56
one Joe Rogan zombie oh oh I would say
00:07:01
if I wanted to out of all them yeah yeah I would say Joe Rogan zombie there's no way no yes he would [ __ ] eat your
00:07:09
[ __ ] face and then and then and then do push-ups with your body because you know what I travel with no no because I would know how to distract him you know
00:07:15
what I travel with oned kettle bells oh yeah yeah kettle bells yeah
00:07:21
that's good company the oned kettle bells right so I would take one of his oned kettle bells has like a gorilla head and I'd put it in the corner and
00:07:28
he run other way that's a good one cuz the hyenas will eat you alive that's what they like to do they like to eat
00:07:33
from the feet first they'll Eat You Alive CH will rip your head off I'll tell you my logic with the hyenas though tell me you want to hear my you know how
00:07:40
about hyenas mhm because you be what do you know about them
00:07:46
they're um that merch or promoting Bible yeah
00:07:51
yeah yeah you know he just converted do you know that I just want to say something yeah yeah he wants to say he has a message for say he a message for
00:07:58
you during jiah's nebus Nazar this is nuu Buu c h
00:08:04
nebar king of Babylon attacked and jamaka became his vassel for three years
00:08:09
then jeh turned and rebelled against him the Lord loosed against him bands of Chalin aranes moabites and ammonites he
00:08:16
Unleashed them against Judah to destroy him according to the Lord's word spoken to his servants the prophets yeah this
00:08:22
befell Judah because the Lord had stated that he would put them out of his sight for the sins manasa had committed in all
00:08:27
that he did and especially because of the innocent because and theit were right were cousins and then you know
00:08:33
what happened the rest of the Johan had something to do with it the rest of the acts of jookim but jookim right was he
00:08:39
was like Judas at that time yes right but then like job right who's Jama
00:08:45
that's exactly that's the mystery and that's what we're all asking and theologians right right and religious people are always asking that question
00:08:51
the wicked have been corrupt since birth Liars from the W they have gone astray their venom it's like the Venom of a
00:08:58
snake like that of a serpent shoing it ears wa let me read you my favorite I'll
00:09:04
read you my favorite I have my favorite too dude oh you want to go dude here we go what oh my favorite Parable dude
00:09:11
Faro's broken arm okay yeah oh the seventh day of the
00:09:18
first month in the 11th year and I was 14 years old then really by the way
00:09:23
little side note oh okay and that's when I lost my virginity at 14 I was molested yes same
00:09:30
um I have broken the arm of Fara King of the Egypt why did he do that let me let
00:09:37
me finish it [ __ ] face God damn D seeing of Egypt see dude it has not been
00:09:43
immobilized for healing nor set with a splint to make it strong enough to grasp
00:09:49
a sword and when they say sword they mean dick yes back then you know what I mean the sword is a symbol of Dick
00:09:55
Parable it's a parable dude you know what I mean and you can't grasp yours you have to use two fingers right we
00:10:00
grassp yeah we grassp who he Carlos is a little dick no no this a [ __ ] por yeah yeah fancy Pork yeah but it's
00:10:06
Spanish it's okay if it's little I know but he DRS up with three fingers really he does like a hand yeah and I don't
00:10:13
know how you got her your white pregnant but that's a mystery with style are you having a baby style you had a baby
00:10:19
already yeah yeah yeah you just jammed the gummy in your gummy pis into their V
00:10:24
wow so gross how old is the baby two two years old and okay nice Jules would you
00:10:29
read our um Chris stano our Our Guest a parable of your CH choosing please please thank you yeah go ahead there you
00:10:35
go Jesus is among us all remember that yes there it is I'll usurpation of
00:10:43
aalia when aalia the mother of AIA saw that her son was dead she began
00:10:50
to kill off the whole royal family of the house of Judah you're very excited about that
00:10:56
that's fine yeah yeah but anyway um what did you learn from that Parable
00:11:02
Jules that it's okay to kill your family no that that's not what the parable was
00:11:07
somebody killed her daughter right and then she killed the royal family that her family it's okay to kill your rival
00:11:14
that's great that's very is it is it okay it I think in certain instances it's okay so I can kill Ronnie Chang yes
00:11:22
okay good I thought you did no no so Jimmy oang Ronnie Chang Dr Ken they're
00:11:29
on my Mar yeah who who are your Rivals that you're going to kill who am I going to kill um I'm going to kill uh Schultz
00:11:35
no no I would to kill Schultz I don't kill black people okay I would kill um I don't really have
00:11:43
like a like a rival who's like me I mean um uhhuh I don't know who would I kill
00:11:49
just because maybe I'd kill um um I think kill's a harsh let's let's let's let's reframe okay okay that's not funny
00:11:58
you eded that part um I don't like it it's a play on words I don't like it right right so how about
00:12:05
this okay um you're in an elevator okay you see people running to get in it's closing sometimes you put your hand in
00:12:12
right right to stop it but who would you let it close who would I let it who's who your clothes on right in front of
00:12:18
their face so what I would do I I'll just and this and it has nothing to do with how I feel about them I just would
00:12:25
just do it for a laugh who would you do Fortune fster so you're an elevator now who would you
00:12:30
who would you who's running toward sprinting towards me um um I would let
00:12:36
it close on fim Amir why just cuz I saw him last night
00:12:43
and I love yeah and I and and I would I would just [ __ ] yell something because he would I'll tell you why I
00:12:49
would look at his eyes and I would say never forget right oh 911 yeah yeah yeah yeah I'm I'm no I like it yeah I like
00:12:57
cuz I love right but so here's the thing the reason I would do it to him is he wouldn't be even he when he's mad he's
00:13:03
not mad no he's too nice and he was with a beautiful girl last night oh my holy moly holy is that his girlfriend I guess
00:13:09
it's the girl that he is seeing yeah she's beautiful holy moly I hug her so
00:13:15
hard last night I hugged her so hard and I think he called me at 1:00 in the morning I swear to God and I didn't pick
00:13:22
up because I think it's about the hug because you hugged her and then you were bubbling from you had the spit
00:13:28
bubbles in your mouth we did like here's what we did a side hog yeah but then her head hit my head and we touched heads
00:13:34
like this right and I think we our head's [ __ ] you [ __ ] her head yeah yeah cuz I did come yeah you did yeah
00:13:41
yeah I did come right so she went I went right and then I saw his like you know
00:13:47
you know how Afghans get or whatever you know what I mean yeah they get sand crazy yeah they do they really do it gets sand crazy
00:13:55
dude right right right right and they start thinking of crazy things you mean like
00:14:01
taking a a bag and putting some sort of contraption in it and just putting on the side of the road right they get and
00:14:07
crazy dude right so what I'm saying do you think when he's [ __ ] her he has to take off a C4 or do you
00:14:14
think yeah yeah think he does it with it yeah you know I envisioned him putting a mask right having a pole right and then
00:14:21
having someone dressed like Luke Skywalker and he's going you know what I mean oh God you remember that movie yeah
00:14:28
the new hope on tattooing why are we attacking a nice he's a great guy my point is that he's got a beautiful
00:14:33
girlfriend so we had we we yeah we hit we hit heads I came right he called at 1: in the morning right and I didn't
00:14:39
pick up because I knew that's what it was about right like why'd you [ __ ] my [ __ ] girl's head what but maybe it wasn't about that it couldn't have
00:14:44
should I call him call him him what do you think should I call him he's also a very handsome man he's a handsome wasn't he on SNL he auditioned or I don't know
00:14:52
he should do it but he not know he should do it he's the best Rider on the
00:14:57
west coast very one the funniest Comics ever too yeah yeah so right handsome man what aome at 1211 he called so you want
00:15:07
to talk about I don't know I didn't pick up you know you actually don't pick up a lot and it's a I never pick up I love it
00:15:13
and I also have something to talk to you about too after the all right your call has been for what is the
00:15:19
thing that you want to talk to me about there was an episode you guys did two weeks ago three weeks ago when the fires were happening and then you checked in
00:15:25
on each person you you no wait wait wait stop stop stop wait wait wait wait please don't you want to do it yeah I do
00:15:33
because I I want to say to people right now I have empathy great empathy for the
00:15:39
people that lost their homes you're letting me stay in your house I'm letting you stay at my house because of the fire right because kila's house was
00:15:46
in Altadena and it's you they still can't get there right so the dogs and
00:15:51
and you can stay at my house forever right okay so kila's house was set on fire it got saved but they can't go into
00:15:58
the area got it okay because of the lad what because of looters no Carlos what
00:16:04
what I'm just asking no of looters man okay I'm asking why you can't go back dude because of the [ __ ] chemicals and stuff that's in the air man oh I
00:16:11
about chemicals man yeah anyway so then what happened so I I was I I texted I I
00:16:19
texted I listen you're in you're in New York and am in New York and I hear this episode everyone Andrew and Bobby are
00:16:24
going to the people who reached out to them and and and I reached out to Andrew and I have proof of that text and I reached out to Bobby and I appr of that
00:16:31
text on Friday January 10th and I said that you didn't the day after the fires you said I didn't I said hey babe how
00:16:37
are you checking in on Fires I love you is right I said to him and then two hours later he sent me back the text
00:16:45
that said not great followed by this picture of an Asian man burning himself
00:16:51
alive in a in a protest to Vietnam and that's what I was sent and then and then
00:16:56
I wrote I love you and then he said love you bro you know what just time for you to read another passage one more one
00:17:01
more one more godamn d one more get back on track I like reading the new test okay let me say you Parable 58 Cry Out
00:17:08
full throated and unsparingly oh I that's enough lift up your voice that's I already up your voice like a trumpet
00:17:14
blast whoa I know what trumpet means Proclaim to my people their transgression to the house of Jacob
00:17:19
their sins ooh o like a nation that has done what is just and not abandon the Judgment of their God they ask of me
00:17:26
just judgments they desire to draw near guard why do fast but yet you do not see
00:17:31
it why do we fast afflict ourselves but you take no note see on your fast you
00:17:37
carry out your own Pursuits and drive all your labor labors see you fast only
00:17:43
to quarrel and fight and to strike with a wicked fist do not fast as you do today to make your voice Heard On High
00:17:49
is this the manner of fasting I would choose what does that F they don't eat
00:17:54
they had OIC back they use the intermittent fasting I use called yeah yeah was there a Karen
00:18:00
Carpenter back in the day a what is a Karen Carpenter back in that time Carpenter huh who's Karen Carpenter you
00:18:05
don't know Karen Carpenter I know Sabrina Carpenter I went to her con am I saying Karen Carpenter wrong no you're saying it correct yeah yeah how do you
00:18:11
not know who Karen Carpenter is look cuz I only know I only know Sabrina Carpenter oh you're I went to a concert
00:18:17
of the Carpenters yeaha Carpenter I went to a concert with my family and my family left and I there was a band called The Carpenters and she was a
00:18:23
drummer and a singer and Jesus's father was a carpenter yeah and she died from bulimia from Bia yeah and I was trying
00:18:30
to make a little try to Riff on something and you didn't know so now it's kind of just it was a dead end I'm
00:18:35
sorry hold on you hear me you like you like Sabrina carpin I love
00:18:44
[Music] Sabrina friends friends give me that
00:18:49
me that me espresso
00:18:56
that I think and I'll say it all fair I think I think we have a friend who who I think did a little with her nice no
00:19:02
really I know a guy with her we know a lot of guys here's a little secret everyone listening okay tell us we've had people
00:19:09
on this show right unknown Comics almost right people that are like really right
00:19:16
that have hooked up with super famous celebrities that we can never we can
00:19:21
never announce here Jeff die Jeff like crazy thing like I know Jeff it's close
00:19:28
but like crazy things like that but if I said it now it would cause so much rockus and Chaos yeah and I've never
00:19:35
I've never hooked up with an A-list celebrity actress
00:19:40
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and the code is bad friends have you ever seen her afrodite up close you know I don't want to Google it
00:22:02
because I don't think we can show it but can you describe it to me okay so when Al so let me okay a hermod is this let me try to the definition do it do it do
00:22:10
it is a hermod somebody that was born with both genitals with both genitals
00:22:15
are they combined they can be there's a whole array of hermaphrodites now which kind would you want to be so I'd want to
00:22:21
be I I want to be combined com combined I want to be combined I want to be mostly [ __ ] with a little dick on the
00:22:27
yeah yeah yeah yeah I want to be [ __ ] and the [ __ ] you be my dick dick I want you know what I want to be two on one I
00:22:34
want to have I want to have a a full [ __ ] and just balls no penis oh really
00:22:39
really or or I want to have the penis right and have the [ __ ] whole of the penis be a [ __ ] yeah oh yeah yeah great
00:22:46
so only like you know like little rodents and things that could [ __ ] it you know what I mean yeah yeah yeah yeah so you're saying like you have a full
00:22:53
penis but just the end is a py yeah it's shaped like a but it's not the hole that we have right it has the actual like la
00:22:59
and the but it's miniature or what if you have a penis and frag like a fragle from fragle Rock come what if you have a
00:23:06
what if you have a full penis but then both balls are just two [ __ ] that's cool like you have a
00:23:13
penis GI that's are the balls big yeah okay cuz I want regular size badges on
00:23:19
the balls right right and then right what you could do is If Britney and
00:23:24
what's her name Abby and Britney the Twins were lesbians yes that's two for one so or two for two when I was a two
00:23:32
for two yeah yeah I was a physical therapist like talking 15 well I'm bringing up cuz I was a physical therapist and there was a hermaphrodite
00:23:38
who was a patient of ours but my boss didn't tell me it was my second week on the job wow so he he knew you know we're
00:23:45
in the working in the hospital whatever and this person who was her afite came in they needed a total niece replacement
00:23:50
so I just thought it was a regular patient it was like just like like a regular guy you know whatever and he had
00:23:55
he had total knee replacement so my boss was like you know I want you to do a um I want you to do a pelvic exam as well a
00:24:02
pic is a true story true story oh my God and I said and I said what do you mean and they're like standing in the back
00:24:07
like this like laugh you know like holding in laughter cuz even the guy was in on it the actual patient and I said
00:24:12
um I said op pelvic exam but has total near replac what did he look like this guy he looked like a normal guy he like Adrien Brody yeah okay good he yeah I
00:24:19
want him to look like Adrien Brody for some reason he looked like if you combined Carlos and fancy like not ad
00:24:25
BR yeah yeah the opposite okay you look like if you had if it had Carlos's penis
00:24:30
and fany's [ __ ] yeah so so so we go so we go um I said pelvic exam okay and and
00:24:38
I saw I go you know doing like my little pelvic exam above the robe and my boss says no you need to dis robe he's given
00:24:43
permission and I said okay sir and is it a go is a trick just real I love it go
00:24:48
so I go so I get them in the proper position for a pelvic exam lay them down and it's like a you know very medical
00:24:55
procedure whatever and I'm going to do it and I pull down I oh my God because you pull down and I'm you see a penis
00:25:00
you see the penis I see the top of the penis and then right off to the side Guy full just a huge [ __ ] coming off his
00:25:06
thigh there's no way I swear to God you swear to God a huge [ __ ] it doesn't work why would you go oh my God then act
00:25:12
cuz you don't expect to see a [ __ ] on the inside of a guy's thought you know what it's like you know it's in the movie Temple of Doom yes right when K
00:25:18
capcha right is getting that soup yes and she's really hungry she's about to eat it and then the eyeball service
00:25:26
that's what I Ho Holy Smoke Dr
00:25:32
Jones so I saw it and then they these guys are [ __ ] dying laughing because were you laughing yeah well then I
00:25:38
started to laugh but I was like what you couldn't do that today imagine today trying to do that as like a goof where it's you just prank her her Aphrodite
00:25:44
yeah that's a new show on True TV so if I honestly be honest with me with your heart your heart literally hand hand on
00:25:51
the yeah right honestly dude if I was a hermaphodite m okay and and I showed you
00:26:00
my vag yeah okay and it was like um I'm talking about like you know you know
00:26:08
like Kate M you know like I'm talking about like you know I mean just the perfect perfect person yeah yeah yeah
00:26:15
Rebel Wilson Rebel Wilson yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah exactly I do is that she's in cats right she's hot yes that lady in
00:26:22
cats I like her her V like beefy R like that yeah but beefy yeah she looks like
00:26:28
nice tight be that's what I was thinking CU she looks like she she has a kind of a Jun I we shouldn't talk like that
00:26:33
about women we respect all women and and Jes we apologize right but let's say it's a very good one yes and I and I
00:26:40
looked at you and I went you want to you would be honest so you're saying
00:26:46
you have a working vagina as a from Aphrodite yeah you're you you're ful of you just with a vagina well I could like
00:26:53
half my face yeah you know I mean put makeup yeah yeah I would do it I would do it because you know why you're
00:26:58
hairless that's what I like if you were a more hairy guy I would say no but I'd like to I would [ __ ] you I would [ __ ]
00:27:04
you because you have no hair that's what I like about you you're very very very hairless I wish I could say the same for
00:27:10
you I don't have hair no I wouldn't do it with you I have hair on my legs but you're too manly you have all the chin
00:27:17
you have the [ __ ] you know what I mean you look just too manly to me do you think I'm handsome you look like a a
00:27:22
Greek God because of your nose what does
00:27:28
more handsome than Andrew Santina was yes yes 100 dude it's not
00:27:34
even a dude that's not even a debate you know what I mean so then I should get the show like he yeah he's like um oh
00:27:41
yeah Andre's handsome at the top of the Red Spectrum right right but if you take
00:27:48
for a guy white Spectrum it's like special needs right right but red he's
00:27:54
top of the line top of the line the top red head and for little mythological Asian dudes I feel like I'm top of the
00:27:59
line you really are you there's you Jackie I would fragg you Jack Jackie and
00:28:05
froto baggin the the panda in the Central Park Zoo exactly yeah yeah I
00:28:11
think amongst them in a lineup I probably be like you know that thing where they put top pop the balloons yeah
00:28:16
yeah yeah I don't think the pandas would pop my balloon no their balloons no you're very handsome and and you're also very confident my Jasmine my girl very
00:28:24
cute she loves you she's love you it was kind of juicing her up that night at the Hulu party loves you yeah I think juicing was the right word to use this
00:28:31
is a pattern with you because you tried to [ __ ] Jasmine's head too I did a head thing did that's what he does that's how
00:28:37
he ter that's how he marks his territory because I kissed her on the head good night it smelled like
00:28:45
kimchi yeah you're good dude yeah she's you know what here's can I be honest
00:28:50
with you that's what I'm looking she's beautiful right that's what I'm looking for yeah someone that can here's FY for
00:28:56
people out there okay mhm that want for women who want to maybe date you maybe I want to be my life partner yeah okay
00:29:04
respect that is um it's one thing to be
00:29:09
beautiful cultured she has she is beautiful right I don't know but um like my daughter you know it's like you know
00:29:15
like looking at my dogs or whatever I like there it is but um I love you you know I love all my animals but my point
00:29:20
is is this um I'm sorry that's so rude I apologize I love you nice but what I'm
00:29:26
saying is is that um you know I'm Beauty right and culture right but they need to
00:29:32
adapt to every social situation right I feel like your wife
00:29:38
can adapt to social situations am I correct or not about that you're correct about her and what I love about her
00:29:44
after being with her for 10 years what I love about her is she is very loyal and
00:29:49
she knows [ __ ] right away and she knows what people to say hey no more with this guy there's something I don't
00:29:56
like about him and she's right she's right because she grew up in the hood what if she said that about me no but she knew I know but what if she did then
00:30:03
you would [ __ ] start [ __ ] with me yeah then I would start [ __ ] with you okay that's what I would do I would bring back the Asian
00:30:09
hate oh yeah yeah from three years ago okay good now now I listen because you know we're engaged now you know that oh
00:30:16
Bravo congratulations will you have a wedding yes we're going to have a wedding can I go yes 100% we got engaged
00:30:23
on January 6th I swear to God you did I swear to God well that's a great day H
00:30:28
we got engaged on January 6 and then we were going to get married on on 911 but I'm doing the show okay but but we might just get married at the show okay and
00:30:35
and um and so so we got engaged because I said you know what how long am I going to keep not committing how long am I
00:30:42
going to keep doing this we have children with her we have children and my daughter you know the first thing my daughter said when we got engaged she said finally daddy we're going to be a
00:30:48
real family oh did you C did you cry cried 100% cried we I don't see you
00:30:53
crying I had to cry on that yeah yeah yeah I cry I I that that was that was something brought tears the only times
00:30:59
I've cried in the last year I swear to God is that moment and when I rewatched little giants from
00:31:05
1994 that that gets me yeah you ever seen Little Giants no the annexation of Puerto Rico that's what that's what I
00:31:11
call my family yeah yeah yeah is that did you really cry during that movie I swear to God I really did I really really cried and um and but I cried when
00:31:18
my daughter said that and it made me feel really bad about some of the decisions I've made over the course of
00:31:24
my last 10 years of like why didn't I just commit to do this with her earlier what was I afraid of because what I've done is I've committed to two people
00:31:30
Jasmine and this guy right here have you tried eating the body of Christ already
00:31:35
yes oh he's eatting so many bodies 100% I you know why I do it because I follow a strict keto
00:31:42
diet he's high protein I hate his body but yeah I eat the body of Christ the blood of Christ I drink the blood what
00:31:48
what is the body is it bread I've never been to one of those things it's the Holy Eucharist it's it's a wafer that's
00:31:53
been blessed by the priest and it it it is the body of Christ it's a it's a little wafer and it's only about 5 calories according to my fitness pal so
00:31:59
it will not break a fast and then I have my uh and then you drink the blood of Christ which is wine which is just so
00:32:06
home wine from the liquor store yeah it's so interesting wow wow it's interesting that I've never been to a
00:32:11
church like that I want you to come to church you come to our wedding at the church yeah I mean I'll go to the wedding but I've never I know I've been to weddings in a church but I've never
00:32:18
been to like a cath Catholic Church where they have the whole right you know the bre and stuff I'm going to call Jazz
00:32:25
and see if you can come has see okay yeah don't think so yeah I don't think so she knows [ __ ] yeah yeah hold on
00:32:32
let's see she doesn't I think she literally looks at my call she knows that like when I'm on the road I'm very lonely and I need her and she looks at
00:32:38
the call and hangs up yeah really yeah cuz I think you know what it is cuz she's an old school woman she thinks it's weak if I say I'm lonely and I'm
00:32:44
I'm depressed why don't you snap the [ __ ] out of it and try to sell out your shows yeah cuz we need that money and
00:32:50
and I need a new tip why why haven't you are you is the acting thing not a thing
00:32:55
you're going to do I've you're very hand don't I mean let's let's get down to the
00:33:01
business at hand let's get down to the business at hand and look at this guy he's be he's gonna sell out Madison sore
00:33:08
Garden let's be honest allegedly no you're gonna okay keep keep keep watching September you know and I'm
00:33:14
going to do the show try to do the show there'll be an announcement coming soon yeah yeah um you're um no talk show guy
00:33:22
I mean you're on the talk show circuit mhm yeah you just did Kimmel no we did Kimmel and then and then I got Edward
00:33:28
Norton was on on YouTube he got 500,000 views Anthony Mackey on the week before he got 250,000 views I was on 18,000
00:33:35
views that's that's pretty good though compar comparatively speaking yep yeah yeah goad keep going all right and so um
00:33:41
and can you act is the question yes I can i' I've I I work at it I've went on
00:33:47
on I've kept track I've went on 103 103 audition since 2016 and I've gotten one
00:33:54
can we chat GB gbt a script before me and um mhm yes yeah yeah yeah and so I
00:33:59
think we should do a three-way you know I mean a scene between us three I'd like to chest your you know what I mean your
00:34:05
chops I'm putting my product out there Bobby on a daily basis and the people are saying no that's what's happened
00:34:11
okay can I say this too and I want to say this and thankful and fortunate for what I do have but people are saying no
00:34:17
relatively guy guy guy let me tell you something guy D there's a
00:34:24
disconnect between this and that between what we do in our ecosystem and
00:34:32
Hollywood do you understand what I'm saying it there there still isn't you know I mean a complete direct line is
00:34:39
what I'm saying they think that what we they don't understand what we do and we don't quite understand what they do but
00:34:44
we want to do what they do and they want to do what why don't we do it together you know what I mean but they won't let it you know what I mean that's why
00:34:51
that's why no I'm not you get I've done some stuff I'm not fully in though you're like in but you're there because
00:34:57
you do their laundry oh yeah oh you did it more Asian analogy that how no yeah yeah old west
00:35:04
yes it's the old west yeah oh I know what it is in the let's say you're a cowboy yes right and I'm a Chinese
00:35:10
Laundry Mat guy at in Deadwood right you come you hey man hey Chang you know I
00:35:16
mean watch these trousers okay Mr okay me right and you go delivered to my
00:35:23
house right okay Mich right right and I get through the laundry and I go in and you invite me in for a second right come
00:35:30
on in here Chang and I go in that's the only time you're allowed allowed in that house right is that the good analy
00:35:36
that's a good analogy and then you come in and then we tie up your feet because we like what else what else what what
00:35:42
else happens the tie feet we like to tie up the Asian feet down the stairs in the basement yeah and I go and I go what
00:35:47
going on here m i I wash your trouser it's on the house please don't do this to me then what do you say then I tie I
00:35:54
said I'm going to tie up your feet yeah why are you doing this to me
00:35:59
Mr Mr why you doing this to me Mr put a little soy sauce on your feet why I'm
00:36:06
not dumpling you are I'm not dumpling Mr Jo you don't believe in Jesus I don't I'm
00:36:13
Buist I'm Buddhist Mr John I'm going to eat your feet no please
00:36:19
don't y I see I see yeah yeah and then the next time you go to the [ __ ] players I'm just like wobbling around
00:36:26
you I and you're going to still go wash my trousers yes right that's that guy
00:36:32
and I have like I have I'm walking on Nubs oh my God here's the scene it's the laundry run a small Dusty laundry shop
00:36:38
in a typical Old West Town clothes are hanging on a line outside oh uh and there's the faint sound of a creek in
00:36:44
the background inside the smell of soap and steam from boiling water fills the air the three men Jed Billy and Cole
00:36:50
stand by a counter leaning on it with various laundry items in hand all right so what am I playing so you'll be uh
00:36:57
just throw it you I guess you're he's Jed I'll be Jed you're Jed and I'm Billy
00:37:02
you're Billy yeah and you're Cole okay man we have to do an accent no it's
00:37:08
whatever your choice dude you're the actor man I've never thought I'd be standing in a place like
00:37:15
this went out again for my laundry to get done 't no Cowboy got time for
00:37:21
laundry you ain't wrong Jed but I reckon it's better than
00:37:28
wearing these stinkers another day I ain't been washed clean in the month my
00:37:33
old lady would had a fit if she saw me like this you boys are
00:37:43
lucky I don't have anyone to complain about me looking like a tumble
00:37:49
weed my boots smell worse than a Rattler's Dan I ain't bothering with no laundry ah
00:37:58
you got a good point Cole ain't much do when you R alone all the time I reckon
00:38:03
you can smell as bad as you please out there in the wild but Cal me down and folks start
00:38:10
looking at you like y'all being rolling and cow dong I reckon it's the
00:38:17
dust it gets in your pores makes you smell like you've been sleeping in the
00:38:23
middle of a sandstorm like fem I mean I can't even tell if my
00:38:29
shirt's dirtier from sweat or from just sitting in the sun all
00:38:36
day you okay Cole you Cofe Cole I say
00:38:41
it's a little bit of you boys ain't much different but this laundry place hell
00:38:49
it's like Little slice of civilization clean sheets hot water and
00:38:55
a smell of lavender you sound like a lady Cole lavender what happened to
00:39:02
riding hard and living Free Living free dmy you got to S like a horse back side
00:39:09
but I do like me some clean socks and underwear Ain't Too Proud to admit it
00:39:16
you know we might ought to be careful what we say the way this laundry lady
00:39:22
looks at us I I wouldn't put it past her to be listening in and our convers You
00:39:28
Seen Her Eyes they got like that look like she knows everything even things
00:39:34
you ain't said out loud oh yeah I swear every time I come
00:39:40
in here it feels like she going to read my soul I ain't sure how she manes to
00:39:45
fold the laundry so perfectly like she working
00:39:52
magic that ain't magic that's skill you don't survive out here without doing
00:39:58
knowing how to take care of business maybe she's been in these parts
00:40:04
longer than we think see that's what I like about the West everyone's got a
00:40:10
story they ain't telling but they all know how to make things work I feel like
00:40:16
we're that's the truth well fellas I reck it's time to
00:40:22
get our shirts back before she starts making us fold them ourselves
00:40:27
don't wait [ __ ] don't want no part of the kind work let's again before she puts a spell
00:40:35
on us boys we may be C all let's go yeah we got this from the theovon and and and
00:40:40
Spade movie that's it that's it that's what it's from that's a funny call back I like that t was very good commitment
00:40:48
very great you grasp onto the southern accent that was really good I followed you you followed yeah and God Chris you
00:40:54
can act God damn it thank you yeah one day um this shirt's designed to be inside out by the way I never questioned
00:41:01
it no because I just want I know the fans might start talking [ __ ] yeah but it's designed this way so just just FYI
00:41:08
and you know I what I appreciated about it is that you haven't done one Asian accent since you've been on the show no yeah yeah because why why because I when
00:41:16
you do it you get some heat on online I got some heat online and like I like I said before I said this a couple of
00:41:23
episodes I came on here and I apologized because I got yelled at for some accents I was doing and I and I I made a genuine
00:41:30
deepheart apology I ended it with I'm aor I know I and then people got mad at
00:41:36
me at that too people got mad and they're going to be mad at that you think they're going to be mad at that yeah and then I'm so I just I just want
00:41:41
to say look to the camera this time and mean I really am actually sorry for saying that yeah but and I'm I'm I'm
00:41:48
sorry and it hurts me but we're you know you know I make fun of you
00:42:01
I yeah I know I know your tension I know when white people when you have yeah you got to stretch it out farther cuz it
00:42:07
relieves the brain get to the temple you know what helps me too is sometimes when I have a
00:42:12
my therapist said to do this attention you pull it back and you go like
00:42:18
this and that releases the
00:42:24
pressure yeah yeah that's yeah I do that too home
00:42:29
and I do it too it feels so good your headache goes away white people I'm telling you no matter where you are you
00:42:35
know when you're in tewo class or wherever you might be at your local Chinese restaurant if you have a
00:42:41
headache right there you yeah that guy has a headache that's not Micky roone
00:42:47
guy with a headache yes last week my daughter was asking me for help with her math homework and I said honey I don't know the answer I'm like
00:42:55
this just to really like then the answer just came to
00:43:01
me and then and then I just said what is yeah yeah no let me ask you're Asian
00:43:06
right Jules when you see white people behave like that how do you feel well if I don't know them then it's
00:43:13
that's the thing there we go that's what we're talking about here but I it's about we know each other I make fun of
00:43:20
white people's penises I make fun of their dumbness you know I mean their some of their cultural misgivings
00:43:27
and um I think if I know somebody I feel like anything's at play here I've made a decision in my life and this freed me
00:43:34
from a lot of stuff online is I don't care about anyone's opinion good or bad unless I personally know you or I've met
00:43:41
you like if you told me B Chris what you said hurt me I would genuinely apologize to you but a random fan online if they
00:43:47
tell me I'm doing great or doing bad I don't let it affect me either way only people that I personally know and I've
00:43:52
met in the physical space because I my brains are not equipped I can't I can't
00:43:57
process praise or hate from Nebraska you can't process it well we have a friend
00:44:03
in m i don't want to say his name but we have a friend that was working through that he called me a couple of months ago
00:44:09
paranoid right about a bunch of stuff online he was reading you're super depressed right and I told this person I
00:44:15
said don't read it yeah you just don't read it yeah I don't read anything no
00:44:21
yeah no people go oh we Reddit this and I I don't even know I've never been on it I don't know I don't know what
00:44:27
talking about and that's how you have to live because if I did read it I think it would affect me and you know what and
00:44:33
you know what my friend our mutual friend who when we talk to him about it I would
00:44:39
to say his say his name and then put a patreon.com bad friend no he said uh he said and he this is very accurate of him
00:44:46
he said you know all that looking online for the comments All That comparison stuff it's a form of self-hate you hate
00:44:52
yourself and so you're looking to be you're looking for it to be justified by the comments you want say oh Chris sucks
00:44:59
you're looking for it because you think you suck but if you're positive you come from a positive place you don't go looking for it so I think you at times
00:45:04
Bobby you know I need therapy you need this you need that but you're much more positive place than you think no I no I
00:45:10
think I am I think that I think I am I I've been doing things that let's be serious for a second I we're doing a lot
00:45:15
of like you know this and a lot of sand crazy sand stuff you know what I mean all that stuff but what I want to say is
00:45:21
is that um there's another thing that I do is I I was at the Chicago improv mhm
00:45:26
and I was at the shamban pro I was in The Green Room and a waitress came you know every Green Room the club waitress
00:45:32
is they they're the you know they take care of you that's the head waitress the head waitress and she's like I I'm going
00:45:38
to be your waitress all weekend whatever you need just let me know want the tips and so she she goes this is someone so
00:45:43
and she's interning mhm and she seemed shy but also she kind of looked me weird she was like she kind of looked at me
00:45:49
like this and when they left I turn to the comics in the room I go oh yeah she doesn't like me they go and they and
00:45:55
they go what I can I go I can tell and then you think it's because but do you
00:46:00
think it's because were you making it up or do you think it's because you pulled your dick out no I didn't no that wasn't when I did that yeah I would never do
00:46:06
that dud okay all right I would never do that I
00:46:14
respect her too much okay and that would be good and by the way I just want to make it clear even if it looks like I did on camera before I didn't pull out
00:46:20
any of my penis I I I know you exactly ex it was your thigh I know exactly all right so let's get that out in the clear
00:46:26
yeah but then two days later she came up to me she goes hey I just want you know I'm just like I have a bad friend's
00:46:31
t-shirt I'm a huge fan oh so it and my mind I was like oh I make assumptions
00:46:36
about people that aren't true and it's because um I have I don't growing up I
00:46:42
don't have to read my parents cuz my parents were Snapper heads is that a is that like a a
00:46:49
slur damn Snapper heads takeing up all no um for Koreans from no no no they
00:46:54
they were um physically toward you yeah yeah and they would just you know and so every day was reading
00:47:02
the situation and and to protect myself right right to like for danger and I do
00:47:09
that out in the wild you know what I mean and I'm tired of doing it because it's like it's usually not true you know
00:47:16
I mean and I feel comfortable with when they don't like me and when people like me I feel uncomfortable with I want to
00:47:21
change that narrative as well but here's the good thing to know is that most people don't care at all most they don't
00:47:27
that's the thing they don't think about you know what it is withum you know what it is you make an ass out of you and me you know that I know that that's a
00:47:33
really good I like those little yeah yeah I like those little just one more here's another one a little tidbit
00:47:40
here's another Parable and this one's for you Don they're wives are foolish and their children Wicked a cur their
00:47:46
brood but the children of adulterers Don how come you never sit down come sit down come sit down will remain that
00:47:52
issue FY of an unlawful bed will disappear for should they attain long life they will be held no esteem should
00:47:58
they die abruptly they will have no hope nor comfort in the daily of scrutiny for dire is the end of the wicked generation
00:48:05
yeah that's what it is joh did you listen that was for you oh yeah oh yeah that was really good
00:48:11
what he doing what he doing oh the little advice I was telling him yesterday you want me to say it tell him tell no then why did you just do that
00:48:18
cuz cuz I was practicing oh yeah you were practicing that was very good though you're a very good learner yeah yeah yeah um um um Chris yes yes
00:48:28
I'll just tell you tell I could tell him tell him but has to do with I was just saying yeah yeah yeah so what I'm saying
00:48:34
is is that you know um when you're in a relationship right and I was telling a bunch of comics this in the room right
00:48:41
and you want to get out of the relationship I can never end it right all right because what you do is you
00:48:47
have to find a window to get out right right so you can force a window to open
00:48:53
right by doing some of my techniques you can force a window to be open yeah yeah the problem is for me with that where I
00:48:58
I have I don't have my house isn't the best right now and I have air conditioners in the window I'm GNA open
00:49:03
the window I don't have Central layout it's an analogy okay but
00:49:09
I that could hurt somebody I don't want to do that yeah okay yeah it was just an analogy or door to open whatever yeah an
00:49:16
opportunity an opportunity okay and that's where you have to get out right okay so what it is what you do the little techniques and one of the
00:49:22
techniques I was telling people was um you want her to break break up with you
00:49:27
subtle thing the coward way that's the coward's way rightow so you do subtle things and one of my techniques is you
00:49:33
forget their name for a split second every time and you use a snap right so
00:49:38
you go hey Kathy right yeah hey what are we going to eat tonight Kathy right you do that
00:49:46
smart 30 times it seeps into their subconscious and they don't know what's
00:49:51
bothering them they don't know what that's bothering them right and then it that's where the windows were open
00:49:56
another one I have several of them smart what very smart that's actually very smart tell them another one another one
00:50:03
which one the um the uh I think I've told people this one before on this podcast before let's hear it though I
00:50:09
haven't heard okay you haven't heard it right remember this Pro you can sometimes you can say things that you've
00:50:15
said in a podcast before previously because guess what as Marcus aelia said you never step in the same river twice
00:50:21
cuz the river is always flowing it's always new water so when you step in it's a different light a different exp so you can say the same thing motion yes
00:50:27
this is a different River steing the same river twice the the the yeah yeah so all you have to do is this is five
00:50:33
times M okay so those snapping 30 times this five times okay when your
00:50:40
orgasm you don't make a noise MH you look directly into their eyes you they have to be looking at you right and you
00:50:47
orgasm with your face it's hard for me to I'm never looking in when I I know but this is what you need to do I'm always facing this way I know in order
00:50:54
for you to do this exercise you have to be doing missionary so I have to have a mirror this is you do right you look in
00:51:00
their eyes and you go you you go like this you go like that right if you do that five
00:51:08
times subconsciously right they will break up with you really yeah it's terrifying terrifying third thing yeah
00:51:15
yeah third thing right third thing this is a basic one no this is good you gave him the same present
00:51:21
twice that's huge it's a good one that's a good one right because they usually go they usually say I don't it's just the
00:51:27
thought that counts you know what I mean like I don't care right right here's two oven mitts
00:51:36
[ __ ] you know what I mean yeah yeah right-handed a left one for Christmas one for Christmas other Christmas smart
00:51:43
right very those little tints dude the window will open my friend you know what that's funny you say that because I had
00:51:49
a friend he was dating girl for 5 years they were going to get engaged and then on her birthday one year he gave her a
00:51:56
card with $100 bill in it that's the GI great she broke up with him that's great
00:52:01
brilliant she broke up with him cuz she wanted to engage her and he gave her 100 bucks cash yeah I did this once and she
00:52:06
didn't break out with me Sarah Highland she can even defend she can even back the ACT Sarah Highland no there's a
00:52:11
different Sarah Highland all right be awesome the comedian Sarah Highland right so
00:52:17
Sarah we're dating for a couple years the first year she gave me a vintage painting from a store like a
00:52:24
vintage she lik going shopping at like like um antique stores and vintage you know and then I gave it to
00:52:32
her the next year you regifted it I regifted it to her forgetting that she gave it to me right and it was super
00:52:38
embarrassing but she still didn't break up with me right because she really loved you yeah she really did love me what about getting back with her what
00:52:44
about she's married now with uh to my friend Jan oh she's a leso she's by
00:52:49
seexual and she's a very funny comic and I love her and she's family to me but you know I think if you're going to be a
00:52:54
bisexual woman you're the you're a very good gu well it's it was because you're
00:53:00
neutral you know what I mean I've had a couple situations where lesbians have gone dated me for couple years then
00:53:07
everyone around them have been women so I've never really questioned that about myself you know what I mean what do you
00:53:13
think of that because because because it is because you're very interesting what do you think of that well you got you you soft skin and I think that that it's
00:53:19
like a it's smooth so it's an easy transition like I can look at you from across the room and go yeah yeah I've
00:53:25
seen you look at like that from across the room yeah yeah yeah well yeah I can see it I go yeah interesting his skin is
00:53:32
it's made of seaweed let's come up with another let's come up with another one of these window opportunities together
00:53:38
so we can so I can write a book what you've done is yeah yeah what you well you you have really really good ones so
00:53:44
far the the the best one was the um um snapping snapping and forgetting the
00:53:49
name yeah it's got to be a split second though everyone knows it if you live too much of a thing it then it's noticeable
00:53:55
right and that's why I think the snapping is very important you know what's another good one too yeah let me write it down come home you could every
00:54:01
time she comes home from work and happy to see you you're just laid out on the couch drinking a beer yeah like you're depr like and then and then and then
00:54:07
when your friends come over right you jump up you can't wait to go out with them you kind of subconsciously tell her I'm having fun with my friends and when
00:54:13
I'm with you I'm miserable right and she starts to say do I make him miserable yeah that's what you do you can you can
00:54:19
tell her you're going to call her like I'm going to call you in 30 minutes then you don't call and then oh those are good those are good 2 hours call her
00:54:25
yeah never call her I I yeah yeah but those are um immedi you tell her you're going to pick her up from the airport never show up wow this is a room full of
00:54:32
go I can I'll tell you why those don't work cuz what my things are subtle right
00:54:38
these will cause arguments right then and there subtle I don't want that either right you know what I mean I
00:54:43
don't want to like hey I texted you you didn't text you mean I want them not to know what's going on almost like there's
00:54:50
something weird but I don't know what it is you know what I mean it's got be one of those every time she texts you I love you you could just hard hit and not say
00:54:57
it back ditto yeah maybe ditto hold on wait yeah right just for Andrew what if
00:55:03
you brought home take out food but only for yourself oo that's good that's a really
00:55:10
good one that's a good one yeah um what if
00:55:16
um what if you only you only um kissed her on her forehead like a child what do
00:55:24
you mean like you never kissed her on the lips want you just say have a good day and you kiss her on her head top like a or you Pat her on her head like a
00:55:30
little that's a good one treat her like a
00:55:35
dwarf that's good I like that treat her like a dwarf or every time you guys were driving somewhere she would drive and
00:55:41
you sit in the back seat oh yeah like an Uber Uber yeah yeah yeah U relationship
00:55:46
where it's like it's not intimate yeah like a Driving Miss Daisy kind of a thing yeah I like what about what about
00:55:51
this when you're walking somewhere with her you always walk a little bit in front of her that's a good one and you
00:55:56
that's that but I've had fights like that before right where they like how come you always walk ahead of me right
00:56:01
right right yeah or like you know or have you had this happened you're walking with your girl right on a beach
00:56:07
wherever Boardwalk let's say whatever right at a mall right sure and you're just walking forward and a hot chick
00:56:13
just walks in front of you and then you're like and they're like I saw that
00:56:18
oh oh why because I have eyeballs cuz I have eyeballs look that
00:56:25
way you know what I mean it's crazy it's
00:56:32
crazy talk every you had that you want me to walk like this [ __ ] come on yeah
00:56:39
I hate it it's so dumb it's like you haven't checked in with me you're not my parle officer I'm not a
00:56:48
criminal I haven't done [ __ ] [ __ ] all right kindergart kindergart
00:56:56
sorry out sorry sorry kindergart yeah sorry it's true though what you're saying we all agree with it's true yeah
00:57:02
yeah it's like all these things it's just now when I say these things I don't want to be in a
00:57:07
relationship why oh you told me another one I did last night what was it yeah were you were you were you but you
00:57:15
don't oh but that's different that's different here's my theory okay and I'm
00:57:22
not a scientist as you know mhm as you know right and I'm not a doctor you only look like [Laughter]
00:57:32
one okay [ __ ] was that I'm emotional today you are I'm tired I'm on the edge
00:57:39
right I'm going to express myself please I
00:57:45
believe that sperm is liquid love hear me out hear me
00:57:52
out okay when I'm jacked up with it I love my girlfriend right when it I
00:57:59
release I like my girlfriend okay okay right so in order
00:58:05
for me to stay in love you don't come and that's what I was telling you last night you never come what about this
00:58:13
here's a here's the third Theory am I not no it means you don't really like them no even I've I was in love with
00:58:21
Kila and even when I orgasm it's not like it's not like I hate I love them still but it's like it's still less yeah
00:58:28
a little less is what I'm saying sure mhm will you not admit or am I am I in the in the shadows here no I get it
00:58:34
because you yeah because maybe you were lust maybe it was lust and there was the lust juice oh so what you're telling me
00:58:40
disano is this liquid lust yeah yeah oh it's liquid lust liquid l so what you're telling me is this and maybe I'm wrong
00:58:46
then okay that every time you orgasm with your you you feel the same exact way um what do you mean you don't feel
00:58:53
empty like empty like towards her not just a torter but it's like you know you don't really want to cuddle as hard or
00:58:59
whatever you know what I mean um I feel like that's how you problem I'm alone on an island you're
00:59:07
not on the boat I it depends on the person oh oh really last night you were on the
00:59:12
boat we were on the boat together last night I we're [ __ ] on the boat anymore what happened you jumped
00:59:17
overboard no oh my God depends on the person depend you're all liars dude
00:59:23
everyone in this blasphemy Blas yeah yeah give me the book yeah oh Jesus
00:59:28
Christ please dear Lord forgive these Sinners you I mean they do not know what they say or mean they only do for public
00:59:35
eye here you go thank yeah it's insane all right let's go back then forget it so I try to Edge that's all I
00:59:42
[Laughter] agree that's just an you know that's
00:59:47
great it's the best way to do it it's just yeah I every time I've had the last five times I've had sex with my girl um
00:59:53
I've come but she's just continued watching land man on Paramount
00:59:59
CL really yeah is a good show show yeah every time I come I hold Billy Bob thoron in the background it's called
01:00:05
land man it's land man is one of the best TV shows I've seen ever in my life and the character Billy Bob Thorton
01:00:11
plays is fantastic like a very male male show right it's on Paramount and it's a
01:00:17
TV show or movie like it TV show no girl you know girls like it Alli lard is in it Alli lard who's beautiful yes yeah
01:00:24
it's a good show the last man the anything Tyler Taylor Sher Taylor Sher
01:00:29
has put out L man uh uh the other one that lion was fantastic Yellowstone this
01:00:37
guy's unreal oh Yellowstone I saw Yellowstone 1883 192 you should be you could be in 1883 you could be an 1883
01:00:43
what could I play in 1883 what could I play the laundry man no the railroad you build a railroad in yeah yeah yeah I've
01:00:50
already said this before you know I mean we're in a different river right same stream same whatever the analogy step in
01:00:56
the same river twice river twice yeah yeah uh Success is Not final failure is not fatal but I always said in the old
01:01:01
west I'd be opium You' be opium op opium Dem I'd be an opium dealer oh [ __ ] yeah
01:01:06
yeah I would get straight from China you that's what you would do yeah and I feel like you're the guy that if you know you would get me I would Co in and shake
01:01:12
your hand and next to your nose um you got me in a finger trap like this no no no no no no let's
01:01:20
can we discuss that for a second so let me see how that works okay right so you come to my opium d yeah right I go right
01:01:27
this way you do right and you go thank you so much you're my favorite Opium Den right and we shake hands hands and then
01:01:34
when we release like I go I got you I got you and then right and then I can't
01:01:39
I can't right but our two fingers are things no no you you just snitch it on me and your two fingers are in a trap
01:01:45
yeah but you got my hands in a trap and then and then you and then you start hitting me with sticks dude I mean what does opium feel like it must feel it's
01:01:52
heroin right oh that's what it is right it's heroin you know heroin is not actually bad for
01:01:57
you vit actual heroin no RFK our new Chancellor of
01:02:04
Health he was just confirmed if you look think Google heroin itself that's not
01:02:09
the bad thing you know what's crazy he's the chancellor of health and he's been inside my house yes is that weird to
01:02:15
thing about so weird wild it's so wild that he's been that like somebody You' met Trump huh have you met Trump when I
01:02:21
was a little kid never never who's like the biggest politician you met uh
01:02:27
love him voted him twice yes I don't know oh Eric Adams the mayor of New York Eric Adam he did history hyenas oh he
01:02:34
did he did in 2020 now he's going to go to prison who's the most famous guy you met DTI in new kingr Speaker of the House
01:02:41
who's the biggest famous person you've met um probably Colin frell how'd you meet him I worked with him doing what
01:02:48
show TV show no wow thank you you were an actor on it yeah yeah yeah and you
01:02:54
played lacrosse from him yeah was he he beat me up was he nice he's the nicest man yeah he seems so nice he's the
01:02:59
[ __ ] he's the [ __ ] great dude he's how Talent yeah I remember we were watching the show was called sugar on Apple TV and I was having sex with my
01:03:06
girl a couple of months ago and I'm coming and she goes there's Don really and you can see you on sugar yeah you
01:03:11
had lines and everything that was in four episodes yeah yeah why don't you shut your [ __ ] mouth Bob I told you
01:03:17
last night though what did I say last night to you did you you're I like me no but also as an actor you you you have
01:03:23
such a distinct look thanks yeah yeah I don't know that was a compliment but yeah you're still handsome you're still
01:03:29
handsome you think he's more actually he's way better looking than him yeah good voice too and boid yeah yeah so he
01:03:35
doesn't look like a Greek god though you said I look like a Greek god from the side well maybe he's just a superior
01:03:41
being than you Superior being how do you right here but I'm more Aryan looking
01:03:47
that's not a is that good yeah okay in in today's American yeah you're like an Italian Baker to me back in the day he
01:03:53
does yeah yeah he does look like are you Mexican what are you Italian okay exactly from the south rare Sydney
01:03:59
Sweeney is that the most famous person now maybe Sydney Sweeney is famous right did a movie with her you did a move with her two yeah just now wow
01:04:05
congratulations thanks man but you do stand up too still debatable but yeah with me he's coming
01:04:12
Frisco Francisco yeah oh that's awesome I do two Man shows Don goes up does 20 I do an hour we'll see you the [ __ ] later
01:04:18
wow we go and then we you have fun I do have a good time have a good time CS Comedy Club shout it out oh fem called
01:04:26
I'll call him back let's call him back yeah thank you okay stay here
01:04:34
[Music] Don I have to tell him he's on pod yeah
01:04:40
what up so I'm with this saano you're on bad friends oh what's up are you shooing
01:04:45
that right now yeah we're on air I wanted to warn you okay what' you say I don't get sand
01:04:53
crazy I'm I'm a lural c don't get sand crazy you know I know how you get anyway
01:04:59
um what' you call me last night late at night four uh just the trade
01:05:05
notes uh it wasn't about it wasn't about Bobby rubbing his head on your
01:05:12
girlfriend's head I missed that no we did s hog we
01:05:18
did a side hog photo and I bumped my head against that she's a wonderful girl by the way she's beautiful we were
01:05:24
complimenting how beautiful with her and I came a little bit is that wrong or
01:05:29
sure no I mean it's biological it's biological thank you so that's that's what you wanted to he came Bobby he
01:05:35
noticed when he got home he had a little bit of [ __ ] on his Crocs yeah yeah that happen yeah are you with her right now
01:05:42
have a good are you with her right now D the store doing my show in the belly oh well have a good show Bud all right
01:05:49
thanks dude all right byebye bye anyway that was Fem anoir yeah
01:05:55
should I try Jazz one more time to see if you can come to the wedding yeah yeah and then this is it okay sorry let me see she doesn't pick up my calls I think
01:06:01
she might have somebody else you're not going tonight right who in you heard that that was an that was an immediate
01:06:07
go [ __ ] yourself now I'm calling back she hung up on me right yeah that
01:06:13
was obvious it's probably just a not disturb [ __ ] where's Andrew tonight I
01:06:19
see New York Boston Boston Wilbur hi hi voice I just want to tell
01:06:26
you that you're on H bad friends right now with Bobby Lee that what okay you're
01:06:32
on the podcast she doesn't know who I am with Bobby hell is that with B okay not
01:06:39
okay hang up now with Bobby hang up right now hang out if you don't hang out right now we're done hang out oh so you
01:06:44
heard it said tell him I love him did you know who I am I know who you are what what do you
01:06:50
think he what is Bobby Lee from other than bad friends where have you seen him um where hav't I seen him very good
01:06:57
answer I like it's very political just give one just give one all all you have to do is get one here I don't know honey
01:07:04
I don't know where do you think you've seen him just take a guess anything anything that comes to mind sweetheart I
01:07:11
don't know just asking you to take one the
01:07:17
wedding one guess um where have I see I saw him at the hilarious party right and what's he
01:07:24
what's he did he make you uncom aable at all no okay because he has a thing where
01:07:29
he likes to rub his head on other people's girlfriend's heads that doesn't make me uncomfortable at all really okay
01:07:35
let me ask you a question now is Bob we've said we want to keep things very very small and intimate close friends and family only for the wedding and I
01:07:42
want you to be honest I know that you're on the show but I want you to be genuinely honest is Bobby Lee invited to the wedding with a plus one
01:07:51
sorry okay he's not is is are are you being genuine Jasmine he cannot come to the wedding yeah no
01:07:58
sorry okay okay okay good night all right good night so Bob's not inviting let me real quick real quick and then
01:08:03
I'll let you go is hold on jazz is Andrew Santino
01:08:10
invited I gotta think about love you I love
01:08:19
you Bobby walked off all right I love you bye a they're all invited no no no
01:08:25
need to know all right bye bye bye bye bye bye okay oh my
01:08:31
God before we go I want to say something I have to rebuttal yes yeah yeah um I
01:08:36
will not go I will not go yeah you're not invited yeah I'm not invited I will not even if
01:08:42
I was I'm not going you know um the next time I see her right it'll be a little
01:08:47
different yeah yeah yeah it'll be a little different I could have believed the it'll be it'll be political but not
01:08:53
as sweet right yeah yeah yeah it be less it' be less yeah yeah not more not going you're not going to touch her head won't
01:08:59
be anywhere near her yeah yeah from afar I'll go yeah yeah yeah the next hilarity
01:09:04
it's messed up yeah yeah yeah so yeah keep her away yeah yeah and um anything
01:09:10
to promote down you have a website or anything mustach scott.com I know okay
01:09:18
good you're good uh you uh Hulu special out February 21st Y and Bobby's going to
01:09:23
do Hulu special too mine's called it's just unfortunate just un out and then go to Christy comedy.com I got a lot of stand updates oh and
01:09:30
patreon.com is my history show is back and also Jesus Jesus Christ remember to keep him in your heart and remember that
01:09:36
an error is not a mistake until you refuse to correct it exactly thank you for being a bad friend
01:09:42
being a bad [Music]
01:09:53
friend woo
01:09:58
yeah woo yeah
