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two are bad friends who are these two idiots [Music] or something we're bad friends I do want
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to say welcome back happy New Year happy New Year welcome back and happy New Year I hope everybody is watching
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cheeseburger on Netflix my brand new Netflix special I hope you do it I hope you went into the theater of course it did what is this what is it happy
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birthday dude what is this I don't know what it is oh cheeseburger for my special Pete
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yeah [Music] and now we can't eat that because the chemicals I can't have graffiti on my camera that's insane yeah yeah is this a
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Banksy now can we sell this yeah because that's street art now thank you guys that's very nice of you yay Bobby get a
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cheeseburger everybody gets one oh they're warm are these in and outs yeah yes baby oh thank you and ladies and
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gentlemen Welcome Back in the New Year 2023 it's the juice the juice yeah is loose she is so she's so full of herself
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I love it what's going on she needs direct hellos oh I've been driving up to this Comedy
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Store she's doing a lot she now needs direct hello I'm working a lot you know minimum wage I'm paying my dues Bobby Comes Your Choice by the way we're not
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forcing you to work there that's true I'll give you that you would have to we would have to pay her more money so she doesn't have to that's right
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but it is by choice I'm working a lot and Bobby peels in it's a small lot he peels in gets out of the car I go whoa Speed Racer he looks at me like
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doesn't say nothing yeah this right here is like you know what dignitaries in Korea yeah say that to other dignitaries
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that's the highest honor to do a little black like attitude thing it wasn't an honor you were looking at me because you were with a beautiful woman and you were looking at me like why are you talking
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to me right now and you didn't say hi to me and then I laughed and I was like okay and then you
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go you need medication and then you walked away I Gotta Laugh out of the girl yeah yeah I mean you need Medicaid
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you're right I made it seem like that you were like kind of like yeah what for 30 minutes driving up I got there's a reason right right so don't
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even lock eyes with her yeah I mean she's very strong and I did this whole thing and then I did and she only communicates by the head which I did the
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head thing right and she giggled and we walked in the club and why the medication line you don't
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really say that lime yeah did you did you tip on the way out in front of the girl no no whoa that's unusual for you
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yeah no but you apologize I did Apologize well uh did the truth be known if you want what's what are you doing um thank you Pete guys grab a cheeseburger what are you doing yeah the truth be known
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um I've been so used to calling you juicy what I forgot her real name well you could have just said hi I know right what is your real name
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I don't know either yeah be real you don't know her real name it's Jason or Jeffrey
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jet ski is that all right if I introduce you as juicy then from now on yeah all right but am I Janet Shannon Jesse ski mask is the new one is it Jessica yeah
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yuck yeah middle name Brooke Jessica Brook what sorority were you in I'm Jessica Brook and I'm an A.D pie totally different route
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yeah dude you could have been a hardcore you could have been like a were you a cheerleader in high school no marching band oh that's right yeah [ __ ] nerd
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but you know what they say about kids in the band School shooters later I was gonna say they're like freaks they're like sex freaks aren't they aren't the band kids like the horniest kids on earth oh yeah we're doing a lot
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of mouth stuff what like with the instruments oh yeah what do you call the group what group I was I was the guy underneath the bleachers what do you
00:04:05
call that guy pervert oh that's right yeah we call those perfect we didn't stop back there yeah still perfect because you want to look at people you
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want to look people walk through the game during the day okay oh really during the football game I'm looking up
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yeah yeah check it out dude you can see your bush yeah in high school were you like let me guess I was in the shed in
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the football shed yeah the equipment chat I was in the equipment shed you were half koala bear
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no no they would stuffed me in there oh I see no extender Ginger furry you weren't you weren't The Jock like you
00:04:37
were in the popular like jockey kind of guy I kind of towed this weird line because I like drugs I liked weed a lot
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and most of my friends were potheads like my closest group of friends my my best friend from high school we met
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smoking ditching class and getting high yeah so that was my crew was like but I also played Sports so I could mingle
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with both but I wasn't I was never committed do you know what I mean yeah yeah like but sometimes I go to popular
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cool kids parties and um I'd bring people that they wouldn't like all right do you know what I mean like the cool kids didn't like that I traveled with kids who also had drugs and arrest records so it was like this
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weird like Santino's cool but you can't bring these other guys and it's like well then I'm Gonna Leave really well because those guys got drugs I gotta go
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with the guys that have drugs right your house is nice but I gotta go get high so you're one of those guys that probably was friends with everyone
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I had I had a lot of friends in different groups I was pretty cool about like I had a lot of groups yeah like I
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knew kids in in certain and all different like vectors for me it's if I went to school now yeah I would be friends with the ones that like are little cuckoo right
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because if the day comes yeah right that they might give you a pass right right right this is this is the arena yeah yeah give yourself to Jesus yeah
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Bobby Lee yeah remember I gave it a tootsie the tootsie Rollie roll guy Tootsie Roll guy right hey hey I love you thanks can you point oh sorry sorry yeah yeah I love you you want another
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Tootsie put throw it in my mouth yeah oh oh and then and then you're a hero I want people back you stopped a school shooter yeah yeah
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I'd be like yeah like I've been practicing throwing tootsies in people's mouths for like eight years and I just
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knew I timed it out you know he opened his butt I Just Whipped it right in his mouth 60 minutes into a piece about you
00:06:39
at your home with like a little Target then you're just sitting with right sticky took season you're throwing it
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against the wall yeah or I could take a Pez dispenser I could throw the Pez the opposite way
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yeah what were you juice were you cool kid in high school I was like you in a sense where I had friends with a lot of
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different groups yeah I was friends with the marching band the orchestra the choir oh no that's all the same one yeah
00:07:02
she's like that's the same group she's like Flags uh right the brass section yeah Woodwinds were the [ __ ] yeah I I I I I knew nobody in that section but I
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I guess the only musicians I knew were like guys like you what because like me well guys that did drugs and
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experimental music like I was friends with a lot of those kind of like jazz musicians no no no no no no no no no no
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no no no what the [ __ ] are you talking about Jesus Christ how long have you known us she has yeah
00:07:36
I went to this High School field trip to we went to a college to watch the college jazz band play and this guy took
00:07:43
me like one of the student teachers took me into this car ride with one of the college trumpet players and I thought I
00:07:50
was like oh cool I'm gonna hang out with them before their big concert they rolled this giant blunt and we drove around Flagstaff Arizona just smoking
00:07:56
this blunt and then they were like oh [ __ ] we got to get her back to class and they dropped me off and I was just high
00:08:02
as [ __ ] and I know my whole van could tell oh wow I was probably like I was gonna get in so much trouble but I mean that's the best way to learn jazz yeah that is real one time uh we skipped out
00:08:14
and I had um uh it was the end of the year and we had uh chemistry and in chemistry they
00:08:22
told us we were going to do tie-dye and chemistry for me was right after lunch and I was like all right so we're gonna go get stoned at lunch and then we'll
00:08:28
come back and do tie-dye shirts because that was kind of like you know the end of the lesson plan season they're like just [ __ ] something related to the
00:08:33
subject a little bit they're not trying at all the teachers yeah so this woman was like we'll just do tie-dye right uh
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and everyone was stoked so we went out and got stoned and this particular day I remember my buddy John Martis was like
00:08:46
he's like this is Purple Haze and I was like okay dude what you know like the names of weed at some point we were like
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yeah sure did whatever it's all the same Let's get high and I got so unbelievably
00:08:58
high that I remember walking up to the stairs to go back into the gymnasium and seeing them it was like three levels and I got nervous about how long it was going to take me to get up all the
00:09:08
stairs and then I as soon as I finished that that one gold done then it was getting to the classroom wow almost
00:09:15
impossible wow got there was so [ __ ] high she knew something was wrong I couldn't tie-dye couldn't figure it out you're so high You Can't Hide it's the only thing you should be able to do
00:09:27
because the rubber bands I didn't understand she was explaining how you could do the rubber bands in different ways and I just [ __ ] it up every I
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would [ __ ] it up I'd over dip and then under dunk you're sure but I got perfectly orange yeah it's this shirt
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this is the shirt that I made it's just all black I just feel like it's the simplest thing to do it's like Jackson
00:09:43
Pollock painting I was so like you can't do that I know dude but I was just I it was uncomfortably High I couldn't focus
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I was getting nervous about everyone thinking that I was acting weird did you have in in your school did you have
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do you have to raise your hand to go to the bathroom or could you just leave now you absolutely had to ask we had to have hall passes dude because we had so many
00:10:02
kids who would ditch or Skip and all that [ __ ] yeah you had to have a [ __ ] Hall Pass do you remember that guys yeah we had one girl that could just leave
00:10:09
because she was no no it turns out she was born I swear to God they're like I want to see her name but her name is very like that's what you had to call it yeah we
00:10:23
had a couple of those oh you were in the special class maybe I was I had to wear a helmet is
00:10:30
that bad but they made you wear a football helmet yeah yeah no we had we had a couple of kids that had uh Tourette's that were allowed to come and go as they pleased when they felt like they were overwhelmed well this girl was born without an anal muscle I gotta go
00:10:44
that's enough for me what do you mean no what do you mean she was poor with no anal muscle well you just gotta get it
00:10:49
you just got to lift some ass weights I guess back in the day they did a drawstring I swear to God so she had a little
00:10:56
drawstring I'm not kidding you dude yeah and you close it up that way I guess this day right it was a little wet
00:11:03
[ __ ] up the drawstring right and it kind of un you know opened up a bit oh no right so she was able to go walk out
00:11:10
and every time she would walk out the whole class would work I wouldn't no everybody but you don't be
00:11:18
jerking off I can see her drawstring yeah yeah no but she and her I can't see it no do not
00:11:26
say her name I know but I gotta tell you why I I'll tell you why I have to say your name and then you have to peep it
00:11:31
out right okay [Laughter] no way that's what her name was what right so it's so you have to understand
00:11:44
is Uranus sleeping yeah so um yeah we were a girl and she was hot as [ __ ] she was so hot yeah well so then who cares
00:11:56
about the animal league right she was a leaker but she was hot yeah I mean would you could you did the thing was it
00:12:03
installed her pulley system was that installed what do you think your parents did it
00:12:08
like yeah I mean a doctor or did she do it is it a thing that she does in my mind it's like you mean it's like a
00:12:14
tampon string the six out of no no no no no like flushing itself yeah like flushing an old chain toilet or or like
00:12:20
my chimney you know my my chimney has a chain that opens the flap no one ever brought it up to her but you all knew
00:12:25
but it was just kind of like folklore and from what I've gathered right there was a it's a surgical process so some so a doctor installed it though yeah you know it's not a home kit I
00:12:36
guess they surgically implanted like a string inside the tush yeah the anal where the anal muscle's supposed to be right and then it it comes out of the flesh I guess you draw it like that I
00:12:48
got a question like a pool cue [Laughter] [Music] yeah you got to be careful you don't you know what I mean you got to keep a steady hand yeah you one slip and you're in
00:13:02
yeah yeah because there's no barrier there if you have no anal muscles I imagine at any point it can just give
00:13:08
way it's a kind of an arrow yeah yeah oh right it's a more of a legless arrow thing you have to hold it against it
00:13:14
yeah you have to hold against your cheek it goes right against your cheek and your arm look at your arm starts to shake yeah yeah
00:13:20
I don't know much longer I can hold it can you imagine the stress yeah this poor girl by the way I hope her butthole's fixed well I'm sure technology probably not though huh how
00:13:32
do you do they have robotic anal buttholes now can you just well you know like um you know they have they give you bovine Hearts you know that right you
00:13:38
could get a cow's heart uh or cow's valves installed I'm not the heart but the about really bovine so I imagine
00:13:45
maybe they do a bovine [ __ ] can you get a bovine butthole anal steroids anal stenosis is the anal opening too small
00:13:52
or does not relax open properly this may be treated with surgery then enlarge the anal opening I think she had the other problem I think it was too big you had
00:13:58
to she had to wind it down an anal reduction oh yeah she had a reduction yeah I mean if they're doing all that
00:14:04
work on her ass why don't they just put a new butthole in just install a new one yeah see you know that's the problem
00:14:10
with your generation yeah you got to fix what's going on you don't understand yeah don't throw it away yeah like it's
00:14:16
no the anal is what they're doing you can't get other things I want Botox on my cheeks my nose and you know you can't
00:14:21
do that your generation just wants to throw stuff away and buy something new how about fixing what you got when it's
00:14:27
a broken ass I think just fix it fix it the whole thing isn't broken yeah it's not chat it's not yeah the ass is Butte was beautiful it was a great ass yeah the hole was broken and that's fine
00:14:39
sometimes the hole breaks I'm saying to replace it I bet you there's somebody out there right now getting their ass broken right and as we
00:14:45
speak oh that's an interesting question so um I'm I'm not you know an ass guy right I've never had it in my I have had
00:14:52
in my ass but yeah what do you know right you're right that's how we started the show but
00:14:58
um what I'm saying are there people that get anally you know people having sex with them anally and they're does their
00:15:04
butthole do they does it deteriorate sure does oh I see no it sure does in fact and prolapsing is a big problem you
00:15:10
know about prolapsing don't you we're not with the tail the tail the tail when the tail comes yeah yeah when you're entering when your innies come out yeah
00:15:15
that's a real thing you can break your butt for sure I would do that though you'd break your butt I would keep it
00:15:21
out you know what I do for Halloween I would put glue on and put fur on it so it looks like I'm like a rat tail or
00:15:28
something that'd be cool dude someone come to the door you're like trick-or-treat they're like What's your costume you just turn around
00:15:35
yeah yeah but I would do the ears and everything the ears the little whiskers my fox a
00:15:41
little fox I don't know what I am a little it depends on how long the tail is right well right I imagine yours is
00:15:47
pretty long real long you got a three foot tail yeah like the upper intestines are in the it all fell out yeah in that
00:15:55
day it all fell out I want to give a shout out by the way moving on from this disgusting conversation because we've lost some listeners uh God bless rest in
00:16:03
peace to somebody we featured on the show I've been getting tweeted for the past two days waffler69 passed away uh
00:16:10
this dude we showed him eating Batman series he got how he died of a heart attack I think is that right or am I wrong it's right and he died uh a few
00:16:18
days after he uh DM us to be on the show yeah DM didn't want to be on the show and the guy [ __ ] passed away so rest
00:16:24
in peace while floor six nine that's very very sad because we dude he I thought he was so funny I know what we
00:16:30
got to do we we what we gotta get a Ouija board to talk to waffler six nine because he
00:16:36
needs to be a guest still I mean we have the boys yeah we have one oh we do yeah we have a [ __ ] we oh
00:16:42
wow these guys buy stuff sometimes without our permission why would you have that well I gotta tell you they also Pete bought a condo on our company
00:16:48
cars and well Pete also goes it's a business expense and I was like how and he's like because I do business there and so we let it so Pete bought a condo on the company card
00:17:00
isn't that true on the bad friend's card yeah that's I mean I guess we got to support it I don't know he's got a family do you know do we want to take it
00:17:06
away from him I don't know yeah definitely we definitely should yeah he's the guy if you ever want to he said
00:17:11
I'm the guy in the post if you ever want me on the show eating weird [ __ ] with you I'm here for it I got really got sad yeah no no dude I'm not and you know
00:17:18
what's funny people tweeted at me for the past like two days or whatever and I haven't responded to the tweets because
00:17:24
um I just didn't know what to say like I don't want to make any sort of inclination or joke about it because it was really [ __ ] sad and we featured
00:17:30
him on the show because I thought he was very funny and his [ __ ] was his page was filled with fun hilarious [ __ ] and he
00:17:36
was very self-aware of like his brand so it was a [ __ ] bummer man because because uh rest in peace Lisa Marie died
00:17:45
too from a heart attack who Lisa Marie Presley yeah yeah shut the [ __ ] up are you joking he's 54 yeah she died two days ago or three days ago from a heart attack well this episode will be out in like a month after yeah but still but
00:17:56
still what the [ __ ] really yeah crazy and and the mom's still alive Priscilla and she's like 770 yeah she's 77. wait
00:18:02
she's 77 how old is Lisa how old is 54. so young so young at least some of your song singers around a daughter of Elvis dies at 54. yeah Jesus it sucks
00:18:15
not really though what do you mean is this from the is this from yeah is this from the Biden Administration yeah it's just some working from the box
00:18:27
the world New World Order though what but seriously though this is sad it's so sad what the [ __ ] but you know what by
00:18:34
the way Elvis's only child do you know that he didn't have any other kids that we know of yeah so that's it
00:18:41
because Elvis's Legacy now there is no boy Elvis he didn't have a boy well he did have a two child children though
00:18:47
gone he had right he had heard Lisa Marie and his wife oh yeah oh yeah yeah she was so I guess he had a couple of years she had two kids yeah I had a couple of kids yeah yeah that is so [ __ ] man that wow sad is that her he
00:19:04
did he die of a heart attack how is that not in the movie what no one brings it up in the [ __ ] movie because they don't want to tarnish
00:19:10
I know yeah it's like no one one guy just a little too young in the movie you know they're gonna make a well when
00:19:16
Michael Jackson comes like what are they gonna do when they make a film about him and by the way who would play Michael out of YouTube no wow
00:19:25
that was Michael Jackson what was that we just got the Ouija board out you guys got the [ __ ] Ouija board and that just fell on its own yes in the [ __ ] year and a half that that's been out that's never fallen
00:19:37
whoa dude that's [ __ ] crazy he's here he's saying something he's already here okay let's talk to him I'm dead serious
00:19:43
that's awesome I wish we could dim the lights yeah yeah oh we can't dim the lights these don't dim
00:19:49
I can turn them off okay turn one off so we can talk to him waffler69 and Pete can you get back on the board so we can understand what his real name was so I don't just call him waffler69 because I don't know if his family would be chill
00:20:02
about that because I want to respect the dead by the way I do want to say this let's Respect the Dead yeah we are we
00:20:09
are we might not need this no no we should okay all right we do want to respect the Dead
00:20:15
let's see if we can talk to him okay is this [ __ ] mean it's a little mean all right we shouldn't have felt
00:20:21
like I just felt like weird some something hit me in a weird way I regret it okay let's not do the Ouija board yeah yeah I just felt weird something
00:20:28
felt weird right yeah [Laughter] doordash you've got back-to-back meetings errands to run and chores to take care of what's the secret to clearing your to-do list a Little Help
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rocket money try it free for 30 days is enough time to try and completely forget about a subscription or service before
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00:23:04
have you ever eaten at bubble gump bubble gum shrimp yeah are you [ __ ] serious there's one at
00:23:10
the Universal City where do you think I got married oh that's right I put my feet in bubble
00:23:17
gum we're not friends enough for you to invite me to your wedding I went it was at Bubba Gump at Universal City yeah but
00:23:22
I was never invited because it was at Universal Studios you're not allowed there a couple years ago that's right
00:23:28
yeah have I been to Bubba Gump yeah absofucking lutely not I know but we should try why because every time I walk
00:23:35
by there I go that can't be good well let's go okay curiosity have you been to Bubba Gump I've never experienced
00:23:40
Universal either you never did a City walk or they know you just don't try that with us oh yeah
00:23:49
Maestro's thing I've never been to maestros wow she's good at this she wants free [ __ ] yeah I would love to go
00:23:56
to Universal with you guys but yeah also I have never been you've never been to Universal Studios yeah what about the
00:24:02
City walk though I've been there on work as a production assistant getting release forms um oh I see but you've never been as a
00:24:08
tourist as a tourist no yeah you know they're two different things City Walk is you could just walk in it's a moment
00:24:14
City Walk was okay yeah the studios is the park you've never been to the park never been to the park insane we have to
00:24:19
go we have to go and also you know we have to do yeah now because technically I work for the mouse you know I technically work for the mouse yeah you
00:24:25
do well Hulu is owned by Disney it is yeah whoa well they own everybody Disney owns us do you know we sold this show to
00:24:32
Disney that's crazy hold on one second all right kids do you want three for one passes this weekend click on the link below so we just have to do that every once in a while is that Elmo yeah that
00:24:44
was Elmo yeah from Disney Elmo was the tickle meyama was such a creepy thing it's the best it's creepy to be like just wait wait do you know who create you know who created Elmo right [ __ ]
00:24:56
sure a Japanese guy no not a Japanese guy Kevin Shields I don't know Kevin Clash right Kevin Clash from the band
00:25:04
The Clash no no dude dude listen to me dude I am all right just a black guy okay wait a minute what what do you mean the way you said it you were like tell you why though a black guy I know
00:25:17
because would you because they don't like puppets they love puppets you said Japanese well that seemed reasonable I
00:25:22
know no they create most things I know but Kevin Clash right right that's his name right yeah so he grew up in
00:25:28
Baltimore yeah focus focus I'm listening all right he grew up in Baltimore and in in sort of like you know a very not an
00:25:35
urban kind of environment Go on is that not the right word what do you mean by Urban yeah uh buildings yeah like
00:25:40
there's buildings Urban Outfitters oh there's oh really grew up in the urban outfit all right so bad bad bad records
00:25:47
yeah yeah cheap pillows but my point is yeah and he you know you know all of his brothers and sisters you know they went to school you know played Sports this
00:25:58
and that did you say brothers and sisters what did you say bro Bradley's assistance oh his brother
00:26:04
yeah I didn't hear what you said oh Diamond died we'll get to that all right everybody's dead and by the way this
00:26:10
episode should be called everybody yeah where was it anyway diamond we gave back to remind me of diamond right but um so
00:26:16
he he would like watch Sesame Street and goes I want to make that and so he would
00:26:22
go to his mom's you know his dad's like fur coat and just make puppets out of it his mom's fur coat you mean don't black
00:26:30
people men were for colds isn't that funny they do why don't we do that are we not allowed to wear for coaches I
00:26:36
know but black dudes in the 70s yeah yeah no they still do I saw a guy outside wearing a fur coat yeah that's
00:26:41
cool yeah who's selling he was selling like um watches charging cords yeah for like the iPhones why are you guys
00:26:47
Whispering now well because if we like we're not supposed to be talking about it for bad boy stuff and no one can hear us okay if we whisper no one so anyway
00:26:52
he um but then he went from that environment got to meet you know Frank Oz and everybody and then so he works at Sesame Street and the Elmo they had two
00:27:04
other guys had Elmo for years he Elmo had different voices he had one time it almost sounded like this man how did that work out dude not good take your pants off yeah take your pants off why
00:27:16
was he take your pants be naked like me I'm Elmo yeah yeah so he was like that another guy with Me
00:27:25
Elmo yeah and then one day one guy just threw it at Kevin like you take this puppet no one could figure no one could run and he sat with a puppet and he goes squeeze down his nuts as hard as he
00:27:36
could how else can he get there yeah I mean he had to like have someone kick him in the dick before he performed because he's
00:27:49
like he looks like a big guy he's a big dude like how does his voice get that high he's a pro she tell me and he sat
00:27:55
he sat in the mirror with this red thing Emerald ladies and gentlemen yeah hello I'm Elmo I'm Elmo right and then he did
00:28:07
he and he he goes every puppet Muppet needs a point of view yes that's how they do it yeah they find a point of view like yes one loves kids too much or whatever that Snuffleupagus by the way yeah
00:28:21
that's what he said he said about what he did but but he goes he's pure what wait he's pure juice you know okay he's not happy oh he's not here again
00:28:35
Elmo is pure one it's one word Elmo is pure joy joy no love love love love that toy love and that's what and then it became and now Kevin class became the
00:28:50
showrunner of Sesame Street and he's still doing it today I think so yeah millionaire I love that story yeah yeah
00:28:55
millionaired this guy because his heart is so beautiful that this guy's got a really good heart yeah and it and you
00:29:02
can feel it through Elmo because when you listen and see Elmo this is interesting this I'm being genuine don't
00:29:07
be mean because I'm a huge fan of Kevin Clash come on buddy yeah yeah I'm saying what's interesting is the embodiment of
00:29:14
the of the puppet is based on the attitude of the Puppeteer that's right so in the Sesame Street world yeah she
00:29:22
is Elmo Elmo that's right you are Cookie Monster Cookie Monster yes yes the one degree in the boat in the in the tan by the way groucher sounds like the European version yeah yeah when we're
00:29:44
like all right your Oscar 100 live in the trash yeah yeah Elmo Grouch Cookie Monster yeah and and that's Bert and Ernie if I've ever seen it yeah if I've
00:29:58
ever seen two guys that are secretly [ __ ] George Kimmel is Big Bird Big Bird for sure big burnt yeah for sure
00:30:04
Bryce is Snuffleupagus what Bryce Bryce yeah that's who he is yeah he shuffles around the office you guys [ __ ] see it yeah who's Carlos
00:30:17
beaker but he might be Beaker no beakers no beaker's from Muppets yeah different Sesame Street oh [ __ ] I [ __ ] it up it's a uh Carlos is
00:30:30
because I I want to know the difference between Muppets let's see if I can get this right okay did you know much about
00:30:36
it um I just realized they're different when you said that yeah yeah so I just went right so the dog
00:30:43
right yeah which one's that that Muppets that's a mop what's his name Pooch no what's his name what's his name animal animal you're thinking of animals no no animals no no animal is the
00:30:55
drummer the drummer yeah what is the dog's name right there you had it up top Ralph Rolf Ralph the dog can I tell you
00:31:00
something right now I'm Rolf no the Chinese version of the show same same [Laughter]
00:31:15
is if you watch Sesame Street yeah if you watch Sesame Street yeah right and you look at their version of Big Bird if
00:31:22
he he has a little thing he opens his stomach and you can see his and Ralph is in the stomach oh my God what yeah
00:31:29
because big boys are Chinese by the way this is what's weird about Ralph that picture that you're showing right there you know he's blind that's why they have them looking up
00:31:41
like this right Ralph is blind dude that's the look of the first time oh that look oh my God it's always that
00:31:55
that is so funny that is literally because she's smiling kind of yeah okay oh so it's like should I should I yeah like she's on the phone she's also
00:32:07
dead inside she's dead on the inside yeah she or you're watching her die right now or I should have gone to college
00:32:12
I should have got this dating app or whatever yeah yeah that is that's so funny yeah and then I know that look
00:32:19
that is so is Carlos Ralph I don't mean oh that's Muppets that's Muppets so give us the cast of Sesame Street yeah no no
00:32:25
I wanted so let me let's do it like a game okay yeah so Ralph is Right Miss Piggy Muppets yeah yeah right Kermit the
00:32:32
Frog muppets muppets yeah um the vampire oh I said Bob Sackett on the top left zooming was on Sesame Street yeah that wow who is that that's so what
00:32:56
do we see the ones I remember Oscar yeah I don't what with the little one right there with the pink with the blonde hair what was that I've never seen that girl
00:33:03
yeah that's Jewels oh that's Jules that's Jewel that's jewels in a wig and oh boy that's uh uh what's his name next to him uh what's blue man what's wrong Grover oh Grover man yeah maybe
00:33:16
that's Carlos that's Carlos oh there's Burgers yeah what's the the big blue one in the back Eric Griffin what's that what's that
00:33:27
what's that what is his name nobody knows you guys you know you have kids Pete how do you not know this I don't I don't pay attention yeah good dad see
00:33:35
this is the new thing about Sesame Street they've added over the years that's what it is yeah yeah but there's the count right there kicking it hard
00:33:41
you know what the problem with the count was what they they kind of would make fun he wasn't like in the main click he
00:33:48
was like his own guy and they found out years later why no one got along he's he's on the Spectrum he's autistic well because at first they were like
00:33:59
it's cool he knows how to count but then at some points yeah oh he doesn't stop like and he'll count like when he
00:34:04
stepped when he's walking just like 400. right so he's autistic I did not know that that's you're right yep yeah yeah autism ask this guy a date be like one you know Wednesday uh Wednesday you know
00:34:18
uh in in November of 1912 you know he would he'll he'll know yeah you know exactly you know he knows dates probably
00:34:24
too that's what I'm saying Holocaust yeah well he doesn't know that one because I've asked him I was like the count uh where are your ancestors from he's like we're from Nebraska and I was
00:34:42
like oh that's weird what what yeah like where are your parents parents from and he goes from Maine and I was like so you
00:34:50
guys went from Maine to Nebraska yeah to Sesame Street and I was like what about before then he's like that was a
00:34:55
different time all together and then whatever the Holocaust one all right that's what he is three and he goes to six million he'll start counting
00:35:07
he goes all the way to six million and then at the end he goes That's How many people died no at the end he goes he'll go he goes
00:35:15
he goes five million nine hundred nine thousand ninety nine yeah 6 million so they say that's what he says he says shall they say right so
00:35:26
they say why wow weird guy okay weird guy um show me that thing I just sent to you guys the other day will you please yes these guys got some
00:35:37
this this okay this is a real thing this happens every year in the state of Iowa it's called the husband calling
00:35:44
competition I was put onto this from the internet this is a [ __ ] real competition at the county fair and you
00:35:50
can look at the photo you can tell a tower and this is a real competition that people win every year look at that
00:35:56
look at the crowd too yeah oh yeah yeah they didn't like my trump joke yeah that
00:36:01
does better than a rick Glassman show this is I'm sorry Rick he's gonna snap he's gonna kill you let's hear let's hear the husband calling oh
00:36:12
Roy [Applause] [Music] where are you hiding I know this country which was for a second is the greatest country in the world you're lucky to be out here exactly
00:36:31
scumbag they should have a little meter of penises going down it's just like all the you know they take Viagra and see if they can still stay hard when they're yelling
00:36:43
[Laughter] yeah I mean I love it real I love it sturdy bass on this girl man she's got it foreign [Music]
00:37:04
hey honey yeah salmon yeah John Brown it I hate it I hate it this is on public broadcasting yeah uh and crazily enough CBS is going to
00:37:25
make a show out of this there's going to be a whole sitcom husband calling they should also have the responses of the husbands husband's calling so Danny what
00:37:33
oh you think that that's me oh yeah yeah you know some of them are like no okay so it's either that or it's call my call me all right like Mark yeah remember my name yeah
00:37:55
yes my love see that's it yeah all right so now give me another one I'll give you another one Jimmy Jimmy
00:38:03
[Laughter] Jimmy Jimmy yeah babe that's that perfect yeah baby that's perfect yeah that's what most guys do get babe all right you do I want
00:38:18
to try let's see if you want to be the husband okay ready let's see if you're if this is a real woman that lives in your home let's say you're in love let
00:38:24
you find new love how hot is she because if it looks if it looked like them oh but hey careful
00:38:31
why do I have to be careful these are real people I love them right but what I'm saying is is that if
00:38:38
they look like this woman right there okay if the if that woman looked like Megan Fox still your response would be a
00:38:44
little different she might have like 50 years ago 50 70. 50 you wish this is this is 50 years ago
00:38:53
yeah all right so so let's hear let's hear ready yeah yeah yeah that's very good that is very good that
00:39:05
was I tried to be as real as I could all right now I'm Megan Fox oh yeah Bobby what's up babe very calm yeah she's pissed it doesn't matter you call you bring her I don't
00:39:17
want to start a fight because in 45 minutes I want to tag it do you want to hit it I want to hit that thing but you
00:39:24
have to come up with like a mellow Vibe dude and then at some point yeah one day she goes
00:39:29
Bobby Bobby Bobby turn off your video games yeah I want you to meet Machine Gun Kelly speaking of machine gun I met him two
00:39:42
days ago you're speaking to him right now it's so weird that you said his name I
00:39:49
met him in the he was in the main room did you know that yeah he I yeah what's up it's me what up hey machine hey man
00:39:57
can I call you machine it's Mr Gunn County it's Mr Kelly all right I'll call you Mr gun then man Mr Gun Kelly please
00:40:04
Mr Kelly how are you what you what you doing in my house about to [ __ ] you're a girl dog
00:40:10
explain to me what you would do about it well what I would do is I would probably um
00:40:18
I'll probably delete every album you have I I have of yours oh bummer won't do [ __ ] to me dog and then he just
00:40:23
starts eating glass uh he's on Dave by the way he didn't know he did uh we announced that Dave season
00:40:29
three is April 5th and he's one of the people we could talk about cool oh he's a great guy him Megan Fox Don Cheadle
00:40:37
Usher Rick Ross they're on Dave yeah all these people hey now I saw a promo Gator
00:40:42
posted today and it was in front of a tour bus that's right yeah we're on tour this season and we're on and we're on
00:40:49
tour this week what kind of they're doing a musical tour though no no on the show we did a bus tour oh you did they
00:40:55
did it's the stand-up comedy tour stand-up comedy tour Gator would rip I love it Dave would do
00:41:01
well too it's kind of weird they all would do well kid is a good guy I kind of want to say the other names that are on the show that blow your [ __ ] mind
00:41:06
but I don't know can't do it I know I know it's so weird can't do you have one guy I'm not gonna say it you have one guy who's probably the biggest star on
00:41:12
planet Earth yeah and you have his pants I have his pants yeah and it's also a little shocking that we had to talk at
00:41:19
FX yesterday we had the Press thing yesterday the tcas which is by the way nightmare one of the worst things
00:41:24
imaginable I almost grabbed the wheel of the driver's car to crash on the way there so I thought if we get in an
00:41:29
accident on the way there I won't have to do it did you ever do these but imagine they wheel me in on a gurney I know they're still asking me questions
00:41:35
in the pressroom dude Andrew how did you feel about this role this season I'm like
00:41:46
and it's so much viewership they would [ __ ] never let me out of it did you ever have to do this where you have to
00:41:52
wake up at four in the morning and call in they have 80 radio stations you have to call in yes from four in the morning
00:41:59
yes nine yes and you're sitting there just talk oh my God it's the worst it's so hard it's hard on your um it's hard
00:42:06
on your patience level because you go like room to room to room to room in a hotel in a fancy hotel and you sit and
00:42:11
you talk to someone on a zoom computer or you talk to someone you know in like a quick fire rapid
00:42:17
format question and it's all it's so hard it's not fun but they know it's not fun but we were the we were the [ __ ] the funnest one probably no no dude we were the oh I mean I'm sorry as far as
00:42:29
like the network goes because all the shows are there oh they just get them all done we were the who gives the shits
00:42:35
yeah the whole thing was about the bear the bear is they won a Golden Globe and oh because Jeremy Allen White is the
00:42:41
[ __ ] man yeah yeah and uh it's so funny with Sterling there from uh reservation dogs
00:42:46
reservation dogs wasn't our day that's they are not our day okay our day was justified
00:42:51
bear uh Dear Mama oh dear Mama the Tupac uh the Tupac about Tupac and his mother but what was funny to me is like the whole [ __ ] thing is supposed to be FX
00:43:03
presents that day it was all about the bear the bar napkins had the head yes chef on them oh my God Maddie Mathis and
00:43:09
our boy was there though I love our boyfriend good good and on the way out this is how demeaning this is this this
00:43:14
Show's taking the cake for the network for sure but this is how demeaning it is you went to an fx Premiere party for
00:43:19
your show and they handed you a gift box to go and it was compliments of the bear
00:43:25
you have bear merch at my house so I was driving how does that make you feel though like [ __ ] yeah like [ __ ] yeah
00:43:32
yeah no if I'm being genuine no jokes it doesn't I don't care I'm proud for those guys I
00:43:38
think they're making a good show Christopher the crew the one of the executive producers and creators writers he's the [ __ ] man so it's kind of
00:43:44
like I like everybody on that [ __ ] thing Lionel's on there who's the [ __ ] like I like that show I think they do a
00:43:50
good job I have I have qualms with it because I'm from Chicago that's a whole different thing but
00:43:55
you know that's because anything from your hometown you're gonna be like well that's a little not like a but but you
00:44:02
know what but it was did it hurt our ego not mine but I saw that some of the other castmates were a little bit bummed
00:44:08
that they felt like they were you know how does it feel that um you know your Netflix special Netflix you're on a hit series Dave Dave series regular
00:44:19
series regular and your partner's got nothing going on that's not true wait you forgot uh House parties and beef on
00:44:26
a24 with Ali Wong and Steven young so yeah and a movie called scrambled an indie movie I just said that just made
00:44:31
some of the festivals which is going to be here how does it feel like and I got nothing going on and can I tell you the most important thing on my entire
00:44:38
calendar yeah it's the bad Friends tour okay that feels good thank you and I mean every single second of it that's all I have
00:44:44
that's it oh was that right yeah I just went are you clearing your favorite schedule yeah
00:44:49
you cleared in February she's not going to Magnum PI again or oh okay can I say something yeah please I make a dollar on that channel really yeah really yeah
00:45:00
dollar a dollar dude you're all right that's your series regular on a show I'm reoccurring I love Magnum but
00:45:08
it's like not the same thing you know it's not the same thing I don't know what you get paid you're different than me right and then it's like I got
00:45:14
nothing it's fine I'm asking you but it's a dog how does it feel good does it feel good I feel pretty good right now
00:45:19
okay you're on top of the world but yeah but there's so much going on congratulations the only thing I care
00:45:25
about is Magnum I'm sorry yeah our tour okay the Magnum thing is cool because the um It's At The Comedy Store we're all really excited for that one of those episodes the manager that Ryan yeah
00:45:37
Patrick Shattuck he is in the episode with Bobby we can't wait it's yeah we're really excited about it you know now I talked to the you know the producing stuff to get him a party says no every time but anyway that's not true it's
00:45:49
hard to get you it's hard to get you I wasn't in season you're you're on fire I was in season when you asked me as you're [ __ ] you
00:45:56
know what you're right I am Garfunkel Bob I'm Garfunkel Bobby yeah I'm that other
00:46:03
guy from where I'm I know who you're what your name no no no no no people know what your name is you know who you are what
00:46:10
you're Andre 3000 and I'm and I'm Big Boy from Outcast that's a huge compliment that is he is a
00:46:17
genius and he had to go do his own thing and big boy had to do some more business-minded stuff
00:46:28
he says because my n-word had to go and do a little acting and that's for anybody asking drip drip drop there goes an eargasm we got you coming at the side of your face
00:46:39
and tapping right into your memory banks thanks what he says was my boy had to go do his thing yeah but God bless we're
00:46:46
still homies we're outcast I'm big boy you're Andre 3000. and she's one of the she's part of the dungeon family I don't know which one yet I just I wasn't there I was just
00:46:59
complimenting it that's all and I'm very happy for you okay thank you congratulations
00:47:07
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it's better help help.com bad friends you know what dude um I always go on Yelp yeah for my food yeah and I thought to myself you know what I should do that with doctors because you're going to
00:48:16
doctors all the time all the time and look at ZocDoc is that ZocDoc is the only free app that lets you find in book
00:48:21
doctors who are patient reviewed take your insurance and are available when you need them and treat almost every condition Under the Sun Bob okay when
00:48:27
you're not feeling your best and you're trying to hold it together like me and Bob are sometimes finding great care shouldn't take up all your energy but
00:48:34
I'm telling you it is hard to find someone that's good so that's where ZocDoc comes in using their free app by
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00:48:50
upload and verify your insurance information and get the care you need okay so I moved to a new neighborhood
00:48:55
and we didn't know what to do and we didn't know who to go to and our old doctor was so far away so I thought I'll
00:49:01
just try Zach Doc and I gotta tell you it works great because it fits with the insurance that you have and you find someone that can help your specialty
00:49:08
that you need and all you have to do is go to zocdoc.com bad friends and download the ZocDoc app for free then
00:49:14
find and book a top rated doctor today many are available within 24 hours that's
00:49:20
z-o-c-d-o-c.com slash bad friends ZocDoc slash bad friends that's zocdoc.com bad friends zocdoc.com bad friends can I talk a little beef though
00:49:31
that we might have between you and I oh but I spent a I spent I've been gone for
00:49:37
four weeks and for people that are like if the episodes seem behind we had to backlog some of them because I was out
00:49:42
of town for a month one month promoting my special and while I was in Austin I got to see one of our very very very very good
00:49:48
friends which is who Mr Adam and we took our dogs for a walk along the route along the water beautiful
00:49:54
and we spoke about something good and he said do you think Bobby's serious about doing this podcast
00:50:00
about Star Trek yeah and I said what are you talking about and he said Bobby wants to do a podcast about about Star
00:50:07
Trek yeah and I said he didn't tell me about that he said yeah he's dead serious really wants to do it with me week to week and
00:50:13
he said it could take the place of bad friends is literally what he said he said that's what you said it could take the place of bad friends
00:50:20
do you mean that because we can call him and ask that's what he said you said is that real people that don't know Adam
00:50:25
used to be the manager of the comedy story he also was on Norm McDonald show one of Norm's probably closest friends
00:50:31
uh tragically lost him but there he is so um do you care to comment I'm going to may I talk yeah thank you
00:50:44
number one that's a half truth okay okay imagine if this was Court yeah it's a half truth half truth your honor okay some of that [ __ ] is real number one
00:50:56
it's some of it is yeah all right number one him and I are obsessed yes with Deep Space Nine okay
00:51:04
number two right number two I've been trying to listen to podcasts with Deep Space Nine you know I mean where you know Star Trek podcasts sure and they're not funny and they're not great right so
00:51:17
I said I could I called Adam I go are you interested doing for a year that's not what he said
00:51:23
that's what I said for a year where we wear the [ __ ] costume he thought you said do it for a year not for a year I'm
00:51:31
gonna call now he's saying the same thing yeah yeah I'm gonna come I'm gonna call him now you're gonna kill him now
00:51:36
yeah Adam eager and I spent some time I spent some time down Austin and I gotta tell you
00:51:43
you're not gonna move there what no it's fun though I was there right before you I had a great time oh yeah juice went there and sold some and sold out some shows Famous Amos over here
00:51:54
Bobby hey man we got a problem dude yes we do what's wrong you know what the problem
00:52:00
is dude don't play dumb I'm gonna say this too dude don't play dumb the last time I called you you [ __ ] betrayed
00:52:05
me yep on the show so um so did you what's going on Adam yeah so why are you lying to me and then saying something else to Bobby dude Adam what's going on man hey man hey chill
00:52:18
out hey so what I'm asking you dude is this bruh all right I called you to do a Deep
00:52:24
Space Nine podcast yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and then you and I were coming up with names right
00:52:30
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I said two grubs would be a good one yep because that's what Frankie's frenzies like space juice space juice is a good
00:52:43
one yeah yeah but anyway so you told um Andrew Santino that I wanted to replace two grubs with bad friends that's not what I said what I said is that you and I would do either a [ __ ] liar exactly
00:52:59
we walked along the water and you said to me Bobby says he wants to replace bad friends with tube grubs that's what you say Adam Bobby doesn't
00:53:09
believe you one bit bud I know I believe I believe Adam on this dude Bobby doesn't believe you at all yeah
00:53:16
yeah you're a [ __ ] idiot dude though you're a redheaded idiot right tell him [ __ ] bomb fail thank you dude so anyway you still want to do tube grubs right
00:53:30
[Laughter] do you think you're gonna get [ __ ] from a Star Trek podcast you loser
00:53:43
[ __ ] loser I love you all right so you lie be honest you lied yeah I was just starting some [ __ ] for the show hey man you gotta mix it up we did walk
00:53:55
along the water with his dog and it was maybe the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life his dog is a puppy but it's strong as [ __ ] it's got to be 60 pounds
00:54:00
yeah almost pulled him into the lake three times his dog is a puppy but it's paws are this big it's going to be [ __ ] humongous oh that's so [ __ ] beautiful
00:54:13
and his name is her name is Dice dicey girl I love that guy dice Adam one of the best humans to walk the earth one of the best of the best uh speaking of good humans
00:54:25
um let's take some time to acknowledge that juice jet ski Johnson uh is the baby bird is starting to fly without us because she's selling out shows all over the country she goes she literally said is what I heard through the grapevine
00:54:38
she's smoking a cigarette and Chris Rock is there Chappelle is there Louie is there it was wild where
00:54:47
this is how it is out at one of the Arenas that they were doing they invited they sent a car to pick her up you know
00:54:52
down in Texas she goes and shows up she's ripping butts outside she's smoking with Dave with Chappelle
00:54:58
and she goes I gotta be honest with you Chappelle you're Dave Chappelle I gotta be honest with you Chappelle
00:55:04
just over [ __ ] bad friends I did say it quite like that how did you say it well he was like juice juice juice he's like I don't wanna
00:55:16
don't quote me on this but no he said he said juice you gotta leave that podcast
00:55:23
Dave Chappelle said she should leave the show hmm interesting what was your response I said I just I just gotta hang in there
00:55:30
a little longer I owe it to them you want to talk to told you about signing into her contract we gotta do it
00:55:37
we gotta do it and it's gonna be one of those sea orc Scientology one yep one billion years
00:55:43
one billion years one billion years and remember that she was here after me because now she calls
00:55:49
me with such an attitude she does holy [ __ ] fancy literally texted me and goes don't know what's up with Juicy yeah but
00:55:57
she called me a Spanish [ __ ] and then she hung up the phone she gives you Spanish get it done Spanish [ __ ] oh
00:56:02
it's tubular I'm learning from you guys you're my mentor are we rubbing off on her Mal what are you gonna do man that's our
00:56:09
style we have to lock you in I think I'm I'm being real but if you I signed a contract with you you have to sign a
00:56:15
contract with me Fair what was the contract say um that we stay friends you have to say hi to me no no no no no no no no no I'll never sign that
00:56:29
I'll never sign that I got recognized at a Petco go on wait you texted me that yeah wait what was the story yeah I've only been
00:56:40
recognized out in the world like usually it's at a comedy club so out in the world maybe four times in the real world
00:56:46
in the real world yeah and uh and yeah I went yesterday to Petco to get some treats for my dog and the guy goes
00:56:53
what's your number for the account and I put it in he goes have you been here before yeah I love this go ahead yeah
00:56:59
like 100 times and he's like have I talked to you and like I don't know man but I should be in the system and he's like no I just I'm a bad friend oh
00:57:11
that's so [ __ ] cool so fun was he cute he was he was cool he looked pretty young but he was cool and he I just I
00:57:17
yeah I love it I thought there was a problem with my account no problem with your account and when that happens do
00:57:23
you blush I just stay chilling I go oh that's cool stay chill I go that really made my day
00:57:29
and just like that it made my day and it was just really nice and cool jet ski that's [ __ ] that like makes my heart
00:57:35
so me too I love that the code how cool this guy was that he goes I'm a bad friend oh it's awesome I feel like we're
00:57:41
in a game speaking of which that's much better than uh that's much better than what happened to me on the flight what
00:57:46
happened I told this on your mom's house but it was so funny this guy I have headphones on I'm watching a movie on my
00:57:51
iPad what does that say to you talk to me right now talk to me right now so middle of the flight wait your
00:57:58
first class no yes of course sure yeah right can I be honest is it the store is it a flight attendant no it's a human on the fly so somebody that's on the flight is he walking by or is he sitting next to you no no he's nowhere near me he
00:58:11
walked up to me so from coach to first I don't know where he came from but I'm gonna that's very important yeah from
00:58:17
coach he came from the back that's a No-No he was by the bathroom okay he comes up to you you're watching
00:58:22
something engaged on my iPad headphones on and then he go he interrupts you stands right over like standing on top
00:58:28
of me yeah leaning what does he say and then he goes like this he goes oh [ __ ] I I went what's up
00:58:41
like real slow yeah real slow yeah what's up and I take up my headphones and he goes do I know you this is what the first I
00:58:48
do wait but he said do I know you and I thought there's two ways to go do I know you no no no no he said do I know you from from something first of all not somewhere
00:59:01
something he already knows no no he doesn't you know that he does no he knows he recognizes me but he can't put
00:59:07
it okay you can't put he can't put his finger on it so he says do I know you from something and I said I don't know
00:59:13
man I don't uh I don't think so and he goes you're not a celebrity oh my God and I said I don't I'm not
00:59:25
I'm not and I know you do that because when we went on the road people would be like I know you and you go no no
00:59:31
I'm literally I'm like no no no yeah and he goes you don't I don't know you from us you're not a celebrity guy and people
00:59:38
are not looking people are looking now people are looking at me so I'm more embarrassed than I usually am and I go
00:59:44
sorry I don't think so and then he goes okay and walk away like annoyed yeah but
00:59:53
what did you what did you want me to say imagine how much of a [ __ ] [ __ ] I would be if I'm like what's up do I know you from something
01:00:04
probably and then he goes are you a celebrity and I go yes I'm a celebrity put a gun in my mind it's a trap because I'll tell you why I've had this happen
01:00:15
right yeah do I know you from somewhere yeah I mean I was on Mad TV and I did some movies and I'm on a couple of podcasts and they go no yeah [Music]
01:00:27
throwing your credits out with a little bad you say Mad TV yeah yeah is that a show yeah yeah it was a sketch show that we competed against SNL back in the day no what else did you say
01:00:37
you were on a couple of sitcoms splitting up together in Animal Practice splitting up animals yeah I did some
01:00:43
movie that was into two Harold Kumar movies and I did the dictator oh wait wait wait wait wait wait yeah Harold and
01:00:48
Khmer yeah no um uh where do they go they go to Wendy's White Castle yes yeah who are you in that I just played Kenneth like a kid at school
01:00:59
nope doesn't ring a bell what else yeah exactly two podcasts one with Andrew Santino nope no no no that's not even my
01:01:07
other part no um what's up with animals with you let me ask you something do you eat a PF
01:01:13
Chang's sure as [ __ ] do I'm a bus Boyer that's now you have to do that you have
01:01:21
to do something weird because it's uncomfortable yeah so that's a lose-lose well so I was being as nice as I could
01:01:26
but I have to just keep saying no you've seen me say no but I have to go I don't think we know each other man I think I look like so I always say I think I look
01:01:32
like someone you might know no you lie let's do a lie now what you do I'm gonna yeah I'm a guy now you do a lot okay
01:01:41
hey excuse me baby what's up am I interrupting yes very much I'm careful no no I don't even know this is bad no no anyway curious because I saw you um well because I'm a coach I walk by
01:01:54
you I saw that right and the way you're Crossing at your face anyway I no no I just yeah I know we can smell you we can
01:02:01
smell you coming is the problem yeah well we have a little light that goes off when we know someone's gotten up and coming up here
01:02:06
oh he smells good yeah yeah that's good candles yeah well anyway well they make candles do I know you from
01:02:15
I think you do yeah what is that what I made because I I look at you and I go oh my God it's like so familiar well I
01:02:22
started on a sitcom when I was a child I'm an actor when I was a child I uh started on a little sitcom took place in
01:02:28
a small town in the Appalachian Mountains my dad was the chief of police oh does it ring a bell was it in black and white it was oh no I don't know I
01:02:41
don't know it's interesting you knew it was black and white yeah yeah it doesn't really about Yeah
01:02:48
well yeah yeah so I was an actor I did that wait wait I also did a show let me ask you something are you a director too
01:02:54
then and what would the guy really say if I said I'm Ron Howard yeah he would he would never he would dare he would never
01:03:11
dare to go no you're not yes he would no he would have to go you look nothing like Ron Howard I look exactly like Ron
01:03:17
[ __ ] Howard right tell me the difference between that guys all right if you were wearing a baseball cap yes
01:03:24
yes or that's me that's you literally me that is you or you flip the script on them yeah oh I see whoa is that a
01:03:31
director term so I could do one I could be a director okay ready go ahead excuse me yasu [Laughter]
01:03:43
exactly I hey oh my [ __ ] yeah yeah look oh my god when you do it when I was a kid I I watched all of your films yeah but today and
01:03:58
yeah but I have to tell you yeah but the thing of all the years that you did your thing when you started working with
01:04:04
Chris Tucker it was [Laughter] I have to change my accent that's me can we take a photo
01:04:25
yeah no actually I uh no thank you oh yeah yeah oh okay anyway click me you wow turns out Jimmy oh Yang is a jerk that was a good swim wow that was a good
01:04:40
burn thank you yeah yeah very good Miss do I know you from something I don't know what's your name hey anyway
01:04:47
I was sitting next to him on the flight I just followed my friend over here I told you what's your name yeah you look
01:04:52
so familiar we know you're from something right now Jesse who are you guys Jesse Jesse Jesse Jesse Jesse
01:04:58
Ventura yeah Jesse Ventura are you the body no have we said we've seen you in movies yeah just yeah no I'm from
01:05:04
Arizona did you guys grow up there no we're not allowed there we're not allowed there so wait a minute we're oh
01:05:10
God how come you look familiar we said that on the phone yeah yeah you guys look familiar too
01:05:18
this is what you do yeah that's what you do you do a reverse Jedi thing when somebody when someone goes like this
01:05:24
okay you pretend to be the guy again yeah yeah this is that'll happen ready go ahead hey
01:05:30
am I sorry do I know you Kevin how the [ __ ] have you been doing is your wife is your wife still going through that cancer yeah I'm not that's cancer surgery I'm in college I don't
01:05:46
have why I haven't seen you in so [ __ ] long that's so good and you look good yeah you look good you look a little a
01:05:53
little fatter than you used to be but you look good anyway I want to go back to my seat wait wait where are you going
01:05:58
buddy no I just I think I'm not wrong take my number uh take my number okay what is it the Miss guy wants to get away from you I want to do it from now on I'm doing that yeah yeah I want to do
01:06:09
one hey hey excuse me yeah excuse me yeah I feel like I know you from something oh my God hello Dr Montgomery what no
01:06:29
I'm yes William my god look look I'm alive because of you and then this guy goes yes you are and you should thank me
01:06:43
thank me for what I did for you was you reversed it on me right and at some point now where do you go now you walk off the plane thinking am I bong Joon home
01:06:56
oh I see we found can you show him that Tick Tock by the way we I got sent this no less than 10 000 times yeah tagged with you
01:07:07
this we got that I can't even look at this guy you have to I have seen it a thousand times well watch it again that's all I get tabbed in is this guy I
01:07:14
gotta watch it I had if age 102 DMS 102 shows I can't even watch it again I've seen a thousand times all right watching it right now my son so dumb IQ 21 he tried to make
01:07:27
friends but they call him ching chong he ate the wonton body fat like Kim Jong he's so ugly when he smile he looked
01:07:34
like the King Kong my son useless can't play ping pong he tried to get a date with the ghost but she said hell no cause he not that handsome a son so
01:07:44
broken by the things [Music] [Music] it's so good it's really good what you're gonna replace it with me Bobby I would never well that's that's when I'm watching that when it comes in with a
01:08:07
banger like that I know what I'm saying is is that please don't I have a problem don't hurt me it'll burn me by the way though iq21 couldn't get a date was too
01:08:15
young I mean the layers of this [ __ ] right it's it's so [ __ ] good pretty good we gotta get this guy
01:08:22
I'll be jealous he's one of us he's Korean he's one of us first of all you're a better musician
01:08:28
you're a better musician and you know it okay but he's really really good he's pretty good yeah
01:08:35
he's a really really good yeah you know what I watched last night what that I love watching I'll revisit now because
01:08:40
season two is uploaded on the internet on Netflix there's a show uh they send little Japanese kids to the market by themselves I've seen this one what is it called watches it dude it's so cute it's
01:08:52
the cutest [ __ ] show I love it you've ever seen in your life they will send little Japanese kids to the market
01:08:57
that's old enough so all the footage is like from years ago but this is how beautiful and safe
01:09:05
of a country it is Japan they let a [ __ ] four-year-old just walk down the road with groceries it's
01:09:12
like sending Bobby to the market oh my god well I imagine you don't do yourself that's why I don't say hello
01:09:18
sometimes it's because you're rich and Powerful not because you're dumb that but this is
01:09:23
I mean by the way they say black babies are the cutest I don't know no Asian everyone says Asian babies
01:09:31
my money's on black babies for sure yep black babies are the best right I'm gonna say Asian babies are very very
01:09:36
close well here's what I like about Asian babies they look like adults and they're not far off what do you mean
01:09:41
they look like adults well a couple of inches and that's just a grown Asian man what's the difference between that guy
01:09:47
you're telling you're saying that Asian men look like babies yeah all right you're saying that doesn't look like
01:09:53
your brother Steve bring up the pictures that looks just like Steve yeah okay but
01:09:59
but okay see that on the the on the second uh Row the first picture that's Ken I think that's Ken okay no no no
01:10:06
that's not him that's the other one he's three years old what a cute kid [ __ ] do Ken do can from old enough
01:10:14
right in Ken from old enough let's see little Ken that is looking I was right that was a little cat this guy's a
01:10:20
[ __ ] he's a king look at that look at that little [ __ ] G walking down the street by the way not only does he get
01:10:25
groceries he got a few extra fun things yeah he's a child I can't go to the grocery
01:10:30
store I get scared I get lost I get nervous I go home I do it every time but 30 years later he's in a cubicle wearing
01:10:36
a suit watching Bad friends with ten thousand other [ __ ] agents look at look at him
01:10:42
look at him he's got a little flag oh he's so cute but you know what's [ __ ] wild in that thing around his neck that's all booze the sake is in there
01:10:50
and he sip socket all day they don't feed him any food we should go there and see if we can get one get a Japanese
01:10:56
imagine event it'll be so easy well they let him just walk around yeah you're driving the van yeah I open the door I
01:11:02
swoop Them Up Wait nothing weird well I'm stronger than you can I swim what I'm driving you don't want me to drive
01:11:07
no no I'll drive why can't we let her scoop them up yeah can you scoop well I should be the
01:11:12
driver that is true yes you get the legs out of the arms and we'll just scoop well just a little hammock swing in the
01:11:19
kid throw them right and nothing nothing nefarious is that no no no we just want one nearby we want one well if what if
01:11:25
he just sat there in front that'd be great what would he be doing like taking notes no he just makes noises every once in a
01:11:32
while yeah they do have when I do hear like little Japanese animations and stuff I wonder where the noises do come from because every artist has a thing their Source material is what like when you see
01:11:45
Japanese cartoons of it it's always like where does that come from yeah where does that come from well I'll tell you what it is because it's not always words it's sometimes just it's uh you know
01:11:58
emotional emotional noise right and also a lot of the words is what they think a something sounds like like what
01:12:05
what is that I did not tell you what you took means I don't remember on this show
01:12:11
do you know what YouTube means it sounds familiar so when you when oh yeah Hiroshi comes so when you're when you're
01:12:17
with Koreans right and you say to a like from Korea yeah and you go foreign you know what that means am I saying it to the Koreans are at them if you what
01:12:27
what do you mean to them after what's the difference no I'm saying like am I talking about a Korean or add a to a
01:12:32
Korean you have it's at not about okay okay right right all right relax you [ __ ] joke okay what does it mean I don't know so Juke took me let's go [ __ ]
01:12:45
oh cause it sounds like yeah well I asked the Korean girl I go what's that sound he make
01:13:02
[Laughter] yeah yeah what would it sound like if you would say if you were trying to say it to someone let's go have sex what would it
01:13:13
sound like that sounds like a stabbing yeah you sound like an alien yeah you do what go ahead
01:13:31
what you're giving an abortion no the vagina eating my [ __ ] no it would not be
01:13:37
there's no way that would make that noise that's the noise yeah that's it and out yeah but my noise if someone was
01:13:42
like you want to have sex would be like this is my noises this is real this is my noise ready
01:13:55
juice if you wanted to Signal sex if you were like we gotta have sex what do you do what's the noise probably like
01:14:00
[Music] like [Laughter] when I used to go on the road every weekend that I would leave a massager in my
01:14:20
hotel room come again what do you mean so I would I would get picked up for press on Thursday
01:14:26
me neither for some reason and I don't even know I don't know but our Instinct was yeah we just instinctually but go
01:14:32
ahead I want to hear the rest I would get picked up from the club owner or whoever does the Press right and at the end or like the three or four like radio shows right I would go can
01:14:45
you drive it to CVS they're like yeah okay why do you need two questions yeah toothpaste yeah yeah
01:14:50
I would go and I could come out with the Box [Laughter] what's in the pot a gigantic massager a back massage yeah but it has a two sometimes I have
01:15:03
the two little knobs yes right yes and she'll bring it up bring up those back massages because juicy doesn't know yeah
01:15:09
yeah uh if we say with two little knobs yeah with two little metal knobs yeah this is true I do know what these are
01:15:15
I've seen these before yeah I would get one of those there it is I would probably drop like you know 100
01:15:22
bucks 150 bucks they're pretty expensive yeah yeah well this was 30. you got [ __ ] at CVS yeah so it's something
01:15:27
like that that is exactly what it looks exactly what exactly what it looks like and at the end of the weekend it would
01:15:32
just be um that massage would be sitting there plugged in inside you know in the
01:15:37
hotel room and I always felt bad I should have washed it because I felt bad because on the knobs right it'd be like
01:15:43
this white flakes oh [ __ ] so gross so gross yeah you would use them you'd buy a massager in every city no there was a moment there was a I discovered something because I
01:15:56
I'm so embarrassed no yeah embarrassed yeah you're not so you know years ago you know you would talk girls I use a
01:16:02
vibrator and I thought oh can guys use a vibrator yeah yeah and I've discovered yeah you sure can you sure can you're sure like that right so what you do is you lightly on the head of your penis
01:16:14
you just lightly and for me it gave you the greatest it was phenomenal yeah organization so you're allowed yeah you shouldn't feel bad yeah you left it for the next user
01:16:26
but you know what's so funny is that not only would I leave that right sometimes I would leave a DVD player I swear to
01:16:35
God and a flat screen you're not good with finances uh in the hotel you will buy extra TV I
01:16:42
would buy an extra TV a brand new DVD and a vibrator because Back in the Day the movie In Too what do you leave the movie in or do you take them I take the movie yeah yeah so I would go because
01:16:55
the movie is small yeah and it's the same one I'm guessing yeah in the 2000s early 2000s you you just wasn't porn on the Internet wasn't
01:17:06
didn't have didn't happen really so it's like you would have to go buy a DVD player go by because sometimes the TV to
01:17:12
play wouldn't fit with their you know some kind of Hotel TVs yeah they block off the little yeah so that you know
01:17:18
because they want you to use their entertainment of course so I get my own flat screen and the vibrator and I would
01:17:23
go to the I would probably spend seven hundred dollars yes it is cheaper to use their entertainment is it not cheaper to
01:17:29
just buy the movie at the hotel no they're always the garbage ah yeah he wants good [ __ ] yeah one good [ __ ] yeah
01:17:34
yeah yeah in my Generations wasteful yeah as well yeah first of all he was leaving for
01:17:41
others no but I would leave a note I would leave a note at the maid or whatever and go here's a free TV
01:17:47
free T DVD player and this like you know massager thing you'd sign it Harvey Weinstein all right was here
01:17:59
that's the most expensive like what do you leave nowadays when you leave a hotel how much do you leave on the
01:18:04
counter for the lot for the cleaning a lot what seriously oh yeah well because you devastate a room
01:18:12
this is the Mage coming into my you've been in my room right yeah I have multiple times to devastating this is when the maid comes into my room after
01:18:18
I'm left for a weekend huh oh well that's nice okay yeah and there's a mate coming in your room yeah [Music]
01:18:31
[Laughter] no that happened one time yeah and I was using yeah that happened one time when I was using it did happen but don't you
01:18:48
don't use that as a thing how much money did you leave that made in Mexico when you pooped on when you pooped all over the Walls by 50 50 bucks yeah how do you
01:18:57
put on a wall I didn't put on the wall that was all inclusive yeah that wasn't yeah yeah no you didn't poop on the
01:19:03
walls but you threw up all over the room and it was poop on the door because you held poop you wiped it on
01:19:09
the door oh yeah we moved past it you bring it up all the time wait but tell me but tell me what do you leave
01:19:15
nowadays we go to a hotel what are you leaving right now today if we you and I go to hotel somewhere else what are you leaving food probably mainly no money
01:19:22
for them I do how much that's my point okay I mean how much money are you leaving on the table well every time I
01:19:28
have a woman a woman a person friend a friend clean my room I hunt them down kill them no no no no
01:19:42
because usually they clean during the early in the morning or in the early afternoon right but I don't get up till four correct right so they're already kind of done
01:19:54
they're I feel bad right so I'll go to a woman you know or man who's cleaning yeah and go hey dude here's 50 bucks for 40 bucks can you clean my room because I do that that's nice right so
01:20:05
but the end of a long weekend what do you leave on the counter sometimes nothing The Tipping thing in this country is insane I've been here for a
01:20:12
[ __ ] cheap thing no wait a second let me explain let me just let's get this one way to argue it well let him get it
01:20:17
why don't you ride like if you have a job why don't you get paid to do that job why do I have to pay for the hotel
01:20:24
and for the service why do I have to go to a hospital and give tips to the nurse
01:20:31
advice to do that when I have a kid so they are nice to you to like leave a five dollar cards for every single nerd the 25 people there you know what you know this is very American
01:20:47
yeah stop getting passionate because you don't know what you're saying he waves his finger yeah who's all yeah I know I
01:20:52
blacked out a little bit [ __ ] down literally yeah yeah that was insane it was it was
01:21:00
like it didn't even exist fans that's insane you know what though yeah we gotta fire this I know we keep
01:21:14
playing this game this might be my last that's fireable yeah that was fireable yeah I know why he's doing that though okay tip the medical profession because
01:21:20
his wife works in the medical world so he's looking to sneak tips into her he's playing this [ __ ] He's reverse
01:21:27
psychology he's like he's like oh what do you have to tip everyone you should be tipping uh the nurses and the people
01:21:32
that work at hospital his wife works there podcast producers I got a tip for podcast producers watch
01:21:41
your [ __ ] mouth watch your mouth watch your [ __ ] mouth that's a good tip but he has something let me say something so you and I both know a guy I
01:21:47
can't say his name right yeah but you know you and I both know got a great guy go like this so I can see what do you
01:21:52
say I don't know yeah okay and he was saying that when he we're not leaving you out by the way you actually don't know this person you don't know this person okay before your time you know I was working with him maybe a
01:22:05
month ago and we were talking and he goes um we're talking about his kids because I know I've known as him and his wife
01:22:10
for so long same isn't that wild I love them yeah and he was like we're talking about a second his son and he goes um I
01:22:19
go well do you have a nurse and you guys are not right now with my son and I go why he goes well
01:22:25
I had to fire a nanny and I go why he goes I was at work because he works at a corporate place and he was watching the monitor because he has a monitor and the nanny
01:22:37
was beating his son oh no are you [ __ ] I thought this was going to be funny no holy [ __ ] she are you being
01:22:43
serious wait there might be more no that's it she was hitting the kid that's not funny
01:22:51
but so what they had to do is this right dude she was beating him yeah so what he had to do they had to go to the police
01:22:57
yeah and then they had cops in his house he he hired the nanny another day she walks in and the cops came in and arrested her like a SWAT team like a SWAT team because they have it on tape oh you
01:23:10
record you can record yeah wow yeah let me guess he didn't tip that Nanny that was my point with the nurse thing maybe that's what it is you you're giving them money the nurses so they
01:23:21
would treat your child with respect well yeah just to make sure like an insurance thing I guess yeah like one time we had
01:23:28
a cleaning lady and I guess I wasn't paying her enough and she upper decked Us in everything she pooped in every Taco
01:23:35
but if you saw on a monitor some Nanny doing that to your six-month-year-old son what's my instinct yeah what'd you do what'd he say what would you do though what did he say what he said I go
01:23:47
up to her and I go what did he say s he needs to shut his [ __ ] mouth I see what you're saying I mean it's like it depends on his attitude no no
01:23:59
that's not true let's feel real about it what would you do okay um just don't be comedy I'm not yeah you are I see your smile yeah what's your name my my my nanny
01:24:13
your Nanny yeah Felipe okay yeah yeah really yeah I'm Felipe okay hey Felipe can I talk to you for a second yeah I saw on the monitor today
01:24:25
I think I saw you strike my child I'll tell you a child [Laughter] that's why I understand yeah and we have a drawer filled with candy I told you you can eat whatever you want yeah
01:24:43
why did you hit my son I saw this pinata right I hit it with stick that's it Felipe back to China with you I'm from Mexico Felipe really because you
01:24:57
look and sound different than I think yeah that's not what you would do no I feel like if that happened to you right
01:25:04
that that Nanny would no longer exist that's right dead yeah yeah beat my kid I kill you yeah yeah I'd kill you you
01:25:10
would kill him yeah but if if somebody spanked my child if he was like six or four whatever like four to six that's
01:25:15
fine smack him in the [ __ ] ass maybe did something stupid no no you don't touch my child nah you beat him sometimes
01:25:21
you got to beat some life into that [ __ ] kid otherwise The World Is Gonna Hurt yeah what else are you paying them for in fact Andreas do never never hit
01:25:28
your kid yeah don't lay your hands bring them to me because it causes so much trauma don't
01:25:34
know you remember all of it I know babe okay I remember you don't remember what what if you wanna remember if you want him to be a comedian oh that's right you beat him yeah if you wanted my funny if
01:25:45
you wanted to be talented yeah yeah name a talented guy that wasn't beat yeah right you know what I mean I'd light his
01:25:51
[ __ ] on fire see if you can get out yeah you can get out yeah that's what I'm Mitzi did the poly pretty much that
01:26:03
is true he was like as a baby screaming in his crib and slamming his head against the
01:26:10
wall she let him do it and she would just laugh yeah oh yeah and he's doing fine there's like a sound bite of her
01:26:16
telling the story she's like yeah he's gonna be hilarious when he grows up I mean he is he is one of those guys where you look at him and he look you look at
01:26:23
his behavior at a restaurant whatever and you go this is no one is like this this is such an original can I say a
01:26:31
phrase that you might understand what pot calling the kettle black yeah no I don't understand when you said take this guy to a
01:26:43
restaurant and you watch him and you're like nobody's like this on planet Earth I I felt that way before same same with
01:26:51
Polly no oh wait with you yes with you you're with you otherwise why you are that as well not yeah what what all the heads turn the waiter comes over you go hi this is my [ __ ] daughter then
01:27:03
everybody's like you are like nothing else on Earth this is a compliment that's not a
01:27:08
compliment sure it is what yeah yeah put away what put in a [ __ ] put in a museum in the
01:27:14
Smithsonian you're a brilliant work of art so you're saying I'm Paulie in a sense you're similar to it's like
01:27:20
Essence and like you have a loudness I'm gonna argue against this okay I think what what you're saying this is what you're saying I'm saying something [Laughter]
01:27:33
I get so mad all right this is essentially what you're saying okay okay yeah you because you guys look at at
01:27:41
other Asian dudes and this is how they behave right normally this is not not normal no not normal okay right I'm just
01:27:48
one of the Asians that decided oh no I'm gonna express myself it's kind of like you're you know what
01:27:55
you do you know what you do what white antics shenanigans my point is she's a [ __ ] listen I don't do white Shenanigans yes you do that's an insult you look like a white
01:28:10
shenanigan right now oh man the beanie you're really gonna get me going the beanie the Blondie shirt all right give
01:28:16
me an example tell me your outfit isn't white Shenanigans right now beanie Blondie shirt that a white guy is up to
01:28:23
Shenanigans doing that was wearing that right now somewhere in the United States really I like CBGB bands white guy
01:28:28
Shenanigans that's shenanigan yeah right like the Talking Heads like Blondie I like television and all those bands that
01:28:34
came out of CBJ there's a lot of white guy Shenanigans stuff that seems like because there's a lot of white people all right you're right right Beanie the
01:28:41
reason why I work I'm gonna express myself here the reason why I wear a beanie is because I'm a huge fan of Cheech Marin as a kid I always liked his
01:28:47
look in those Cheech and Chong movies yeah and that's why I do the beanie yeah right yeah and then what else is shenanigans
01:28:53
uh the way you are oh I see I want to say this uh to everybody out there thank you guys for being a bad friend [Music]
01:29:05
thank you very much very nice yeah I actually this is better than your special a little better but it's so funny because I know you've never seen it I was gonna say the same
01:29:20
thing like you missed on the joke you know full well he's never a lot special for you anyway so go ahead
01:29:26
what's your special called nothing it should just be like a uh yours yours should be like just a stale duck a dead dog yeah like a bad bow mm-hmm you know a
01:29:39
duck and a bow and his head's still sticking out of the bow yeah yeah that's what it should be please go get a cheeseburger and watch cheeseburger on
01:29:46
Netflix it would mean a lot to me Netflix I just did an interview where you know
01:29:51
dude you got to do all these interviews and people are you know who's mad at me Trump fans are mad at old boy why
01:29:58
because I joked about yeah you said he's stupid I know I said why hasn't I said I can't believe he
01:30:04
lasted four years and nobody you know yeah yeah nobody tried I know well it's just a funny joke I'm not
01:30:10
saying I wanted it to happen I just said no one tried and dude the Trump uh hardcourse the [ __ ] that they say on to
01:30:17
is nuts like I'm gonna kill you and rape your [ __ ] family and yeah but yeah I know but they don't care about that but dude they say like I watch your back out like I hope somebody assassinates you wow dude it's crazy
01:30:30
people like they say like you're like I'll talk like Target you now find out where you live like dude it's nuts now you know what it feels like to be a
01:30:36
female comedian not any joke no because nobody wrote not funny that's true I love it that was a really good one in
01:30:49
your face in your face [Music]