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hey bad friends fans hi this weekend i'm in irvine march 18th and 19th i'm at the irvine improv and bob is telling you if
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you don't sell it out he's going to quit this show so yeah so that's that go get the tickets or i'm going to quit the
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show you're going to quit the show i told you to say what you're supposed to say so say that all right and then i'm in vegas at the end of the month then i
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go to dallas uh vancouver we're putting up more dates as we go andrew santino.com andrew santino.com
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you two are bad friends who are these two idiots white dude i'm an asian dude
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you two are disgusting well you two or something we're bad friends
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two for tea and tea tea trees you what
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oh is that it i don't know what you're doing i started with a song we started out with a song sometimes oh i know oh you're making up one yeah oh i didn't
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don't correct me for making it up well two for t is yeah yeah
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a teenage deer don't you know what does everybody know what tea for two is do you know t for two and two i've never
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heard of that huh well whites t for two and two for t
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is that it two for two doors door stay yeah bro this is like white [ __ ] bro i said white [ __ ]
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with a korean dude that's like from the streets no white [ __ ] oh and i don't know any korean stuff
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i love koreans give me a korean thing
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no you're doing it two rides two
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so what did i do so what did i do last night by the way or what last night two nights ago i did scissor brothers
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i'm sorry me too you were great i can't believe i did you were great i
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stole jeremiah's baby yeah they had we we did a little game mm-hmm i actually had a really good time filming it in
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their in their sex dungeon it's it not even sex it's disgusting it's terrible it's disgusting you almost want to go am
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i going to die i could hear raccoons yeah clawing inside of the garage in the back teenage deer is just
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[Laughter] just eating going yeah can i ask you something are there deers
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that are teenagers that's all i need to know what's the lifespan of a deer yeah yeah
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the average lifespan of a deer is two to three years so no they never make it to teenager no but that that would mean that dear a
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teenage year would be like nine months old or whatever well no what's dear years to human years that's what i'm saying like dog you they have teenage
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years it's probably a month though yeah like yeah yeah they have a month to smoke pot you know what i mean so when
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they want to have a job you know what i mean only a few uh only a few male deer live
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in captivity have been reported live more than 15 years human asian theory years
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conversion yeah human to dear you oh it's every for every one year is two two
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two and a quarter years of a deer and we can do any animal here too this is great well that's any animal that's [ __ ]
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[ __ ] we know it we can compute any animal he says oh i see i thought that was just the thing for
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every animal okay what about the turtle a 16 year old
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deer oh my god i'm way to do math this is terrible yeah this is a lot harder than i thought yeah it's 2.29 of one
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human right mm-hmm so so why do we need to
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so go to the never said next year type in 16 years i want to do this type in 16 for a deer
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just type in 16. letting me type on it oh but this [ __ ] guy did you get the coffee
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no he definitely didn't oh did we get the premium package for this website we how come we're not subscribed to this
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human conversion yeah easy calculation can we just get a boost
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anyway who gives a [ __ ] yeah you saw batman for the second time yeah did you like it the second time around
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you know what lives longer than less than a teenage deer or a deer in general
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that i just [ __ ] the joke up okay give me let's give another call go ahead all right do you want to uh
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you know what dies let me just see i just need the wording do you want you know what dies earlier than a deer
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what carlos's hairline oh it's not good see it's a bit bad yeah batman um
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let's cut all that out and call let's talk about about the batman leave that in yeah yeah the batman did you see it did
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not refuse to i'm gonna see it i'm just i'm not in the mood for i i've been fighting all the
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trolls on the internet are mad about me saying robert pattinson i don't like his batman you're wrong you don't know what you're talking about yeah i don't look i
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don't want the kid from twilight to be batman uh yeah he's absolutely amazing sue me
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he's amazing okay yeah yeah i don't like his look i didn't like steve martin in cheaper by
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the dozen sure you did that movie was amazing i just thought you could have gone to march short no no
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i mean that's how silly that sounds though no it doesn't yeah like i don't want i want batman to be a tough guy a guys guy this guy isn't a
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guy's guy i don't want uh cate blanchett to play queen elizabeth i want idris alba
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no that one's not close okay i'm just saying queen elizabeth's not a black guy i know but in that now i want always
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batman to be a guy's guy a tough guy he's a tough guy in this dude no he's a little emo emoji because he listens to a
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little dashboard confessional because that's not batman this batman this is the dashboard conventional he cuts himself right ooh
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batman's supposed to be a vapid rich [ __ ] who's like a tough uh piece this like tough rough neck who's trying to
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avenge his parents death but can i just say he's more violent than all the other the film is more
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violent he is a character i don't believe him watch the [ __ ] movie man so good let
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me say something right now i don't believe him i'm allowed to feel this way all right but you know poison ivy is in it
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and it's what's her name it's lenny kravitz's kid right no that's catwoman oh she's catwoman yeah who's poisonous
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the girl that's in queens and gambit oh i love her yeah yeah what's her name anya taylor anya taylor joy
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she's got those big shark eyes right and she like plants trees
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so she's poison ivy yeah i still i just don't i just don't get it i just want a man's man and harry styles
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is like i think he's harry styles is like being uplifted to be robin because he's in it i think because his
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name is robin and i just assume he's robin i went to the grove to see it and i fell asleep and i just i had [ __ ]
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love you carlos yeah yeah because it's great because it's [ __ ] isn't it no it was honestly too late and i took
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anxiety medication i just passed out he was high he was high and this is such [ __ ] [ __ ] what
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addicts do they go well i was on anxiety no you were [ __ ] you're almost out of your mind and probably a little drinky
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drink huh i no i did a little drink you think huh no this is all projecting yeah bobby's is that
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you [ __ ] where's my coffee man i you have two red bulls oh that's true and thank you
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thank you for this um but can i talk about what i just went through with my parents mom please
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so i realized that i was born to be [ __ ] i mean i had no chance with my parents raising me and stuff you mean
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you were you were just there's no there's no like i'll just give you an example you're dealt a bad hand yeah
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so you know i went through all the things that i went through and you know and i what i discovered in the place that i went to was that my mom had a
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tough life and she you know i wouldn't want to be sympathetic toward her right and have empathy toward her and
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i've never done this before we were at a starbucks in phoenix and i just took both her hands and i go
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mom i am so sorry the way you were raised you know the way you discovered your sister dead that one time and then you
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you came to america and then you you were born into an abusive home and it was just chaos in your life and i'm
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sorry i'm literally crying and she goes buca and i go was that a new drink at
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starbucks no i thought it was a korean word i go boop what's a puka she goes
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i hungry oh she wanted to eat yeah yeah yeah and i go oh okay this is
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this kind of taught i gotta tell you though once you got buka on the mind it's hard to get
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you know it's like when you think about like the size of the nineteen pounds of lasagna yeah
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right and all that chopped salad yeah look at the bamboo no but um the valet add buca de beppo in phoenix
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really yeah i did that was my job when i was in college i used to valet you know what i do because it was family style three cars would pull up and i would rip
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one valet ticket so i'd take the other cash for the other two cars yeah i was a thief i used to steal from american
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valet [ __ ] you guys yes i probably stole a legitimate like four or five grand and then my brother and i come get me
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come get me american valley but your brother and i said that you talked about you the car ride you yelled at him for a good two and a half hours he said of the
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four and a half hour car ride can i tell you why huh so all weekend i you know what i do is
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like i'll go hey do you know you watch some nathan chen
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what's nathan chan he's like what is that i got that the figure skater he won the gold and this and that he'd be like
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nah they'll go hey do you want to watch something like if i recommend something he doesn't want to watch it why he just
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doesn't so um when on the car ride home i go hey you want to he goes i'm not watching
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anything because you don't watch my [ __ ] oh that's what that's what it is you don't watch my [ __ ] so you know what bobby lee was like open i go you know
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what i'll watch your [ __ ] right right so because all right find he goes every
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wednesday i see this lady on youtube and i go uh-huh you know youtube's every day he could look at it
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but this particular lady um will just post something on wednesday that's her drop down or drop date yeah like us
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and she's i guess used to she was a journalist and she found years ago
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cows on a field that were like mutilated oh is this the alien [ __ ] yeah but it
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gets really crazy okay what's her name can we look her up yeah yeah i've had googled because he not google but he sent me all her information
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so keep talking so her name is linda moulton howe linda moulton howe yeah h-o-w-e yeah
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m-o-u-l-t-o-n yeah we got it okay good we'll look up our wikipedia let's see what what's the validity of this woman she used to be a
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joker she want an emmy i've won an emmy what does that mean anyone could but um
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i haven't won an emmy but she's like but then she's like basically she's saying there's a there's a war between five different
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alien races and look at it she's look at her profile pictures by what aliens built yeah and then she says um
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there's an alien race called the tall whites oh me i told you all this time i'm like i'm
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not i'm different i'm unique yeah yeah any white over 511 is a tall white yeah and there's like this lizard race and
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there's arachnids so that lizard race is carlos arachnid yeah who else is there another one just
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standard alien me yeah you're a regular yeah yeah a regular standard yeah but telepathic oh oh a telepathic
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alien well aliens are telepathic like i'm like a little gray the little grays are telepathic yeah
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you're more yellow than gray but still yeah but when little grays hit the sun the way i hit the sun they turn yellow
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you [ __ ] [ __ ] got a little yellow you little gray yeah but anyway my point is is that he believes it i do too you don't
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believe in aliens at all no but a specific five alien race war between
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specific aliens that live on dwarf [ __ ] moons behind pluto yeah come on man you believe in that why
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not what's unbelievable about it look up tall whites aliens
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i'm being real they're gonna go to images nordic aliens yeah nordic is the good go to images
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okay yeah nordic aliens yeah that looks just like me
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i'm see-through like that guy oh so so yeah orlando bloom yeah so orlando bloom is a tall white he looks like it to me
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yeah walking with tall whites look at that a guy did a whole thing about it yeah he started walking around with him my point
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is is that you don't buy into your brother's [ __ ] i don't think i do
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i got to tell you dude i'm a big alien guy like who do you think built the pyramid do you really think slaves built the pyramids mathematically they cannot
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figure out a way that those stones could be hoisted up on the pyramids without help
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2.3 million stones what do you say 2.3 million stones in that net yeah and how heavy are those [ __ ] things
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no matter what hoisting they found out no matter how what kind of hoisting mechanism it would be almost impossible for them to hoist these stones i believe
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that if i went to mexico okay just hear me out i am ready right and
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let's say i had like a hundred billion dollars got it and i just went to mexico and i
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went all right we're gonna outdo the aliens in two weeks we'd have something bigger than that and more precise and more
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but this wasn't for mexicans bud i know but mexicans do it can do it if aliens
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if the if the pyramids were in mexico yeah i would believe that story 100 yeah they're not they're in egypt
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right but my point is is that if mexicans can do it egyptians can do it that is not true mexicans are the are
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the tip-top of knowing how to do work nobody beats mexicans i know they're the kings
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i'm giving a compliment they are the most apt hardest working people i've ever seen in my life yeah yeah but the
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egyptians they're lazy dude they're dancing oh yeah they are doing that they're dancing all the time
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and they're also like doing pottery yeah a lot of pots too much pottery yeah they had no time to do this
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because there's no way they could do it also they have the whole thing of like you know we're not going to bury them
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we're going to mum mummified just wrap it in saran wrap or whatever they use saran wrap
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wrap it can you imagine how long it would take to like exhausting they're wrapping a guy's leg and at some point
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they're like oh god just no one's gonna see [ __ ] this yeah yeah at some point you know what i would do i'd have pre-cut
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things and just lay over the head like it's a pie crust if they pull turn it over it's just all decades there's no
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there's no [ __ ] wrapping i would just do it really quickly oh yeah dude i watched last night i watched a [ __ ]
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thing called like roommates from hell or something on netflix i tried to watch that that this woman spoiler alert don't
00:14:38
care this woman this old sweet woman look at that [ __ ]
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that yeah dead [ __ ] there you go she was uh she buried all of her
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all of her like uh live-in roommates because there were people that came she was like a a rehabilitation center for the mentally
00:14:55
ill and the sick and all this stuff and sh and and they started digging in her backyard and they found so many [ __ ] bodies this one woman
00:15:02
listen i i i don't need to see it because i know why she did it just by the space on the phone give me a guess because she's so hot yeah she's a babe
00:15:08
right so everybody wanted a boner yeah and when you're an old lady and you're hot and you have and she happens to look
00:15:15
look at her lips you know they say that they say this those are those are dsls if i've ever
00:15:20
seen them yeah those are ds i know baby but listen they say the size and the shape of a wound's mouth is directly
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proportioned to the size and the shape of their vagina look at that mouth tight
00:15:35
do they say that is that a common phrase yeah that's what i've said you know what i do what do they do about men's penises
00:15:41
what is the direction when you're on a first date with somebody you say that up front to the girl and they do stuff to their lips
00:15:47
they go hurry up i'll just have the soup
00:15:53
yeah yeah what's the man's correlation feet the size of your feet is correlated yeah uh what size your feet
00:16:00
nine and that's pretty big for for a korean guy yeah not for korean just my size no for a korean guy that's pretty big average shoe size of a korean guy we
00:16:06
can look that up what's that george what are you what is george how big is your foot george 11.
00:16:13
12. 10. wow bigger than all you guys what is i'm bigger than all these is there a
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korean one yeah korean average shoot generally most common shoe size in korea are interval of so that's uh seven and a half to
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twelve so you're right in the middle bud you're right down the gut so it's not big at all actually
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you're actually medium for a korean guy which is a little bit of a letdown to be honest with you
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yeah i understand i'm a 12 and a half i get the whole room george you're what an inch taller than me
00:16:42
six two yeah yeah but are you saying that you think that doc our dog has a bigger penis than i do
00:16:49
i'm willing to guess yeah that's very upsetting just because the melatonin that's very upsetting melatonin melanin
00:16:56
he does take melatonin do you miss him a little bit me yeah that you miss him when he's not
00:17:02
here also jules is at school she can't well it you know it happens the kids got to
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learn is she get she's getting anything out of education or no because didn't we we helped fund some of this yeah she's
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getting good grades yeah but yeah but you know i got good grades but i school was pretty worthless
00:17:19
to me i'm being honest yeah but she does like three in the morning i can hear her like just like doing her exams like the night
00:17:25
before i mean like i don't know what they do in college i don't know what they do honestly i have no idea do they do essays like uh
00:17:32
mexican guys oh yeah yeah yeah she like did she repeat essay all over
00:17:37
another recording this is a pythagorean theorem
00:17:43
hey um yeah i want to bring something up that's controversial florida just passed the don't say gay
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bill do you know what this is it's been touted as the don't say gay bill that's actually not obvious
00:17:54
it actually passed it sure did right uh it's not it's not it's not
00:17:59
it's been called the don't say gay bill by the lgbtqia plus community but uh that's been nicknamed what it really
00:18:05
is is they're removing conversations of let me read it directly from
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what's up doc yo
00:18:23
what up what's up man what up what's happening you're not gonna get here on time or
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yeah i was riding around i don't know if you could park back here or not so i kind of found them dude take off your [ __ ] masks
00:18:35
in the microphone yeah and you know how the microphone is the thing that we are able to hear you through yeah no [ __ ] trying to find a place to
00:18:42
park i was driving around and [ __ ] okay i didn't know if you could park back here dude this guy shows up with another nasa piece of clothing
00:18:48
for the fourth time in a row yeah we get it where's your drinky i saw your drinking yeah take that away from him no let him
00:18:55
let it sip it slightly that's not it's ain't him i'm not drunk or not [ __ ] bobby
00:19:01
somebody else can i give you a water instead
00:19:07
do you want to just hydrate no i'm not even i just poured this the first one
00:19:12
for the day i know but can i just say this you know somebody that doesn't have a problem would just be like okay yeah
00:19:18
yeah yeah but so now i feel like it's a problem oh i can get water if you if you want to get a time out yeah let's
00:19:24
establish some rules today no getting annihilated no getting into a
00:19:29
fight i'm not getting it and we're not going to step on each other okay we're going to talk we're going to talk smoothly smoothly this will be one of
00:19:35
the first podcasts we do where we don't overlap each other thank you carlos you're a good guy i
00:19:40
will save this for later
00:19:47
dude okay let's get back to the don't say gabriel because i actually would love to hear doc's interpretation of this yeah doc
00:19:53
there's a bill in florida the past called the don't say gay bill and it's not the bit that's what it's been named but it's basically removing
00:20:00
uh here i want to read it off this carlos because i have it pretty it's etched out here you go so don't say
00:20:06
gable it it's it's making it so discussions about sexual orientation in schools um
00:20:12
uh is eliminated and encouraging parents to school school districts that that openly speak about these topics so it's
00:20:19
removing discussions about sexual orientation in schools meaning you know about gay transgender or blah blah blah blah
00:20:25
so what they're trying to do with the critical race theory trying to remove it don't remove it yeah what do you think
00:20:30
doc i mean if they is it all sexual or is it just gay i think what they're
00:20:35
specifically going for is alternative sexual lifestyle heterosexual you can say whatever you want i imagine they ask
00:20:41
you you know i don't think that's in the book was that in some of your books
00:20:47
welcome to spanish 101 first first phrase is we're going to learn is [ __ ] in the ass
00:20:53
how do you say that in spanish carlos uh i don't know what a fake mexican is the worst you're the fakest mexican we have
00:20:59
by the way if we ever get in trouble for like being racist towards mexicans and we think oh well we've got one we
00:21:05
should be good you'll you'll fail us publicly but my dad came here from mexico and he didn't want me to learn
00:21:10
spanish she wanted me to be super american why because he's racist towards his own race yeah kind of he didn't like
00:21:16
mexico when he first got here he was like i never want to go back wow yeah well if you want to know it was
00:21:21
kohala in los angeles
00:21:37
there's no way that's right yeah just google [ __ ] me in the ass in spanish yeah yeah no [ __ ] me why do we even need
00:21:42
to do that we just move on from it or i do want to see if he was right yeah yeah yeah oh no
00:21:47
uh what [ __ ] me in the ass google translate just never does it right yeah yeah
00:21:54
because that says fluke me and cool cool is ass i know that okay say to [ __ ] it's coherent c-o-g-e-r
00:22:01
in korean it's uh i would have to say
00:22:08
that sounds awesome
00:22:17
[Laughter] man bob man what when i forget stuff at
00:22:25
the store and i need snacks or drinks or household essentials in 30 minutes or less you know where i turn to
00:22:31
doordad doordash my friend you know how i know doordash huh because it's the only app i have when it has something
00:22:36
anything to do with that when you need food that's what you use there's other companies that do the same thing but i only have doordash because they're more
00:22:42
precise yep because you know i'm asian i love precise precision you like precision yeah i like it in 30 minutes i
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00:22:54
like more options yep yeah they're the best they connect you with the restaurants you love right now right to your door ordering is easy open the door
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you want chinese bro yeah they want pizza yeah someone is craving froyo there's something for everyone on door
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00:24:59
today beyond the nasa stuff and the obvious repping once again detroit which respect yeah those front zipper pockets
00:25:05
are fire nothing's ever fallen out of those [ __ ] can i also say something too is
00:25:11
for the first time from your waist down i would probably wear that okay i've
00:25:17
never seen anything that you've ever worn and said i want to get that where'd you get that doc i'd be like
00:25:23
i don't ever want to go there but my point is is that from your waist what kind of jeans are those pants what yes
00:25:29
yes and the shoes are what nike come on
00:25:35
brand new too huh hey what's the symbol on the front of them i can't even it says i think it says new
00:25:40
york are those are those knicks shoes yeah yeah no not nick's shoes they new york city uh nikes no they're knicks
00:25:46
shoes they're knickers hell yeah puerto rico dominic
00:25:53
listen wait dog the water the water a little bit watermelon a little bit a little bit more warm every time you go on one of those things we're
00:25:59
going to make every single water drink a little water and a little wine he doesn't want to be restricted i
00:26:04
understand i'm not even [ __ ] drunk though this one is in 45 minutes
00:26:12
we're forcing into the future what do you think as robert patterson as um batman who's robert patterson first
00:26:18
of all okay let's move on perfect he was the guy from twilight yeah i need to move on
00:26:24
i watched inventing anna i'll tell you that what's that it's on netflix about that russian girl who likes [ __ ]
00:26:30
scammed all these people out of all this money uh and it's the girl from ozark and she talks like that she's like you
00:26:36
don't have my money oh yeah yeah she uh collider tried to get me to watch it no i didn't want to
00:26:42
watch big pass it's really tough her voice is the hardest thing because she's doing an accurate impression of this girl but it's really tough to get
00:26:48
through yeah yeah it's tough i like ozarks huh i like her ozarks she's good in that she does like the little
00:26:54
southern drawl but in this it's just she does an accurate well i guess as accurate as you
00:27:00
could be of this girl and she was born in eastern europe russia maybe and then she moved to germany so
00:27:05
she's got this word like half german accent that's eastern europe it's the majority of this [ __ ] thing go ahead
00:27:12
say it again what's your vow right you look good you look tall do it like you're wearing it
00:27:18
you look
00:27:29
you know how often bobby can say that to people what what are you wearing
00:27:35
[Laughter] don't like it keep going
00:27:41
i have this new tequila i want you to try now you're slipping away into another
00:27:46
you're rushing too go ahead doc i'm russian too oh let's do it again
00:27:52
man this guy's good at improv never misses a beast never misses a beat i imagine that was a
00:27:58
live show yeah so yeah
00:28:07
give me the rules yeah yeah yeah give me the rules tino what you're wearing you look full
00:28:12
i will like nice
00:28:26
i look fantastic [ __ ] you really good very good you're tired
00:28:31
i mean if i'm casting for this show i'm like we've got the boyfriend yeah if i'm casting for like an industrial
00:28:37
film for southwest airlines you [ __ ] got it well i just had to go do i had to go to adr
00:28:43
because i did you know i did a couple of scenes in that movie house party they're bringing back hidden plays which by the way 25 years ago i think today was the
00:28:49
or yesterday was the original release of house party but they're remaking it and i did it and i
00:28:55
had to go to adr and i was like the line was really tame and they were
00:29:00
like oh we want to replace the word vagina with something you know a little bit less than i was like for the movie
00:29:05
it's like a [ __ ] it'll be an online film yeah and they were like no no it's it's
00:29:11
because it's going to be for airplanes and [ __ ] too and i was like oh [ __ ] i don't like when anything it's going to
00:29:17
be on an airplane because then i can if i see someone watching a thing that i'm on yeah it gives me the biggest panic
00:29:22
attack really oh my [ __ ] god on an airplane it's happened a few times where i'm like
00:29:27
you know what i did what i was on one episode of sean saves the world
00:29:33
sean hayes oh yeah yeah and they played it in the air in on the airplane yeah and i just kind
00:29:39
of walked up and up hello hello but not like not like blatantly but i
00:29:45
was just kind of like no it was places locking eyes with people and stuff like that was really weird that's why bobby didn't want to fly and do shows during
00:29:51
the pandemic because he didn't he didn't want to wear a mask he wanted people to see it was him on the plane that's why
00:29:56
you like the attention you're an attention board you're a [ __ ] [ __ ]
00:30:01
but you know what i have to advise with my mom though if i'm with my mom i want to get recognized
00:30:07
because i wonder i want to show her that like she was wrong she was what do you mean she was right i
00:30:13
know no because she when i started comedy she goes my mom and dad were like don't call us
00:30:19
yeah again pretty much and i would beg for money and this and that was a struggle and
00:30:24
they would say you you're not funny you're never gonna walk not good you're right and i just
00:30:30
kept going and going and then it's like now you know i just kind of like she's this might be right
00:30:38
the old buca lady might be right yeah did you get her some book by the way did you end up booking with her no
00:30:44
what did you take her today did you go fancy morton's you love morton's i went to well we tried to go to my stores we started all these other places but uh we
00:30:50
went to march it was a fun night we saw batman too with her that is cute you did all that as a fam yeah i love my mom you know and
00:30:56
and can i say this i sleep better your brother said this to me last minute house yeah my mom's house
00:31:03
than anywhere else on planet earth he told me you actually got rest and he was kind of awake but he was like bob
00:31:08
actually slept for like three four hours no i was sleeping for like nine hours oh you did oh yeah like solid and also i
00:31:15
never i haven't dreamt in a year you had dreams i had dreams well i could remember i don't remember but i just
00:31:21
remember waking up go i had a dream like being aware that i had one yeah so it was i don't know what it is it's
00:31:26
hot the bed sucks oh it's shitty it's just a [ __ ] environment well you should see dude
00:31:32
this is what's in my room dude do you have dreams doc do you remember your dreams yeah i always wanted to do this kind of weird he had a dream for a
00:31:38
year straight almost i don't really dream that much really yeah my brain's occupied [ __ ] yeah you get to dream
00:31:44
because you know this is it you gotta check out the room that i list
00:31:50
this was in it what is that a [ __ ] that's a mannequin that's the creepiest thing i've ever seen right oh that's [ __ ] weird yeah so that's in the room
00:31:56
so i go my mom has this in there so i turned off the lights to go to bed
00:32:04
[ __ ] it and i just [ __ ] did i threw it you know is it a graduation thing does it have like a she never graduated
00:32:11
from anywhere and she's got a cap and gown yeah and then she has [ __ ] mystique hair i don't know what the [ __ ]
00:32:16
that is i like it that wig but she has this all over the house let me see the mannequins that's like my school colors
00:32:22
too it's maroon and yeah maybe did your mom go to asu and you just don't know no no she wants to go and that's why i think she has that there's also like
00:32:28
nefertiti is down there is she a big fan of oh my god it's just egyptian stuff all over the house oh my god up there
00:32:34
everywhere why do you think your mom's obsessed with that did she build the pyramids did the koreans build the pyramids that's
00:32:40
what i'm saying oh my god that's exactly what i'm saying oh my god i think the koreans have
00:32:45
something to do with aliens google that to see if koreans might be aliens or have anything to do with the pyramids because i got to tell you something the
00:32:51
more i think about it you gotta even have pyramids in korea of course they appeared in korea yeah yeah
00:32:58
they found our cleopatra's cousin domino domino domino domino in um
00:33:06
yeah korea yeah they're just a gigantic it's twice the size of the eg
00:33:11
the temple i mean the pyramids in egypt yeah and there's a mechanical door yeah
00:33:17
like a futuristic mechanical door that you you press a button it's like a little button and there's a mechanic that opens it but
00:33:24
they don't they think it's alien origin well look at this what's funny i'm just
00:33:29
it's just sound magical they don't even the world is magical but open your eyes
00:33:34
so buzzed off of the wine guantato the great was a monarch and uh
00:33:40
they believed the aliens like spoke through him and guantanamo was korean
00:33:45
korean yeah okay yes dude guantanamo was it zoom in zoom in on the about please
00:33:50
on the right-hand side now go back and just zoom in on the about guantanamo the great was the 19th monarch of goryeo his
00:33:57
full posthumous name means entombed in broad expander of domain peacemaker
00:34:02
supreme the aliens spoke through when you when you talk when you say words and cities
00:34:08
and stuff you don't have to do the accent what are you talking about read it again and read it normally please okay this is the way you are you
00:34:14
know was the 19th monarch i'll do it again all right
00:34:21
guangero the great was the 19th monarch of goguya
00:34:27
his full posthumous name means entombed in broad expander of domain peacemaker
00:34:33
spring king sometimes abbreviated to hawa taiwan
00:34:38
his error name is young and he's occasionally recorded as young yet
00:34:43
yeah so this guy so this dude the aliens spoke through people believe that yeah people believe he's no no we believe it
00:34:50
we believe it he spoke the aliens spoke through guang guangiro why does that name sound not korean say
00:34:57
it in crusade with a korean accent guadal
00:35:10
that's him in a movie uh it was a tv series actually in 2011 so that so alien spoke through this dude
00:35:16
and he communicated to the people of the time the future yeah he was some sort of peacemaker love that that's amazing
00:35:24
it's sort of how the japanese thought that um emperor hirohito was a sun god they thought he was he was a literal sun god
00:35:31
or like we'll die for our god what's the chances that he wasn't one in a zillion
00:35:37
what if he was he could have been because how do you know dude what if you're a god
00:35:45
you know what i'm reinforcing right now oh this is god syndrome i mean you already have god syndrome anyway yeah you have god syndrome no no i don't yeah
00:35:51
you do i i don't think you no i don't he doesn't you have a complex who okay who
00:35:57
yields this power more you're always saying white power you'll be throwing that [ __ ] out right first
00:36:04
first i'm always doing this what the [ __ ] does this mean first of all when i say hello don't go okey-dokey like that okay
00:36:10
that is only at the meetings i've never brought that to this that's for me and my buds yeah pete wink wink yeah and i got to tell you
00:36:17
something your god complex is way worse than mine you bullied carlos into not having coffee the first six seconds you
00:36:23
were in this room carlos how long have i known you uh same amount of time as i've known you no who's
00:36:28
known you longer me or andrew i have known bobby a little longer because of certain reasons it doesn't matter yeah yeah it doesn't matter so our history is
00:36:35
deeper no it's not it is years deeper and we have also during those years that you met him you
00:36:40
didn't do anything for him you probably bullied him then too all right [ __ ] so can i just say how we know
00:36:46
or no yeah you can say it okay so at one point i mean you were abusing substances together
00:36:52
yeah at one point here um was uh sober
00:36:58
i know and that's how we knew each other okay but that's a deeper connection if
00:37:03
you knew anything about did you ever call them check in on them no huh carlos
00:37:09
don't [ __ ] look at his name no i'm not i'm like really trying to remember and i i don't know yeah yeah yeah you'd
00:37:15
know because it would happen more frequently i took the bus to cedars to meet bobby though yeah there we go that's you doing
00:37:21
another thing for him yeah because my car broke down right yeah i guess looking back you were on
00:37:27
the way too yeah yeah there you go together god complex that's not a guy called you're a boss you boss everybody
00:37:32
around guy complex is an unshakeable belief characterized by consistently inflating feelings of personal ability privilege or
00:37:38
infallibility that's you but my tone is very peasant-like i mean well that's just a position what
00:37:44
do you mean because you sucker people you're a sociopath you suck are people thinking that you're a peasant when really you're
00:37:50
you've got this cape all right i have two i have two things going on please all right i ride
00:37:56
between peasant like i i'm nothing i got nothing you know i mean right you know also there's
00:38:02
a lot of shame and guilt involved that's because you have imposter syndrome that's why right and then there's the other extreme where i not extreme but i
00:38:09
have this thing like the the rules don't apply to me correct right but i don't think the rules you
00:38:14
think apply to you as well that's not true i i think you can say thing like when you get a parking ticket do you pay it right away 100
00:38:20
but i rarely get one because i obey the rules once i had a parking ticket i can't even tell you okay when you get
00:38:25
you've never fed a meter in l.a never never this time well how the [ __ ] do you guys know i have tickets just sitting on
00:38:31
your windshield for like three months to park in the parking lot your prius at one point had a ticket that was so old
00:38:39
it sunburnt it into the glass that's real talk that is a real statement a sunburned parking ticket into your
00:38:45
glasses i see what this is all right no it's not a thing this is what it is you [ __ ] dip [ __ ]
00:38:50
this is what the [ __ ] it is all right whoa it's coming up he's coming out you're [ __ ] angry oh my god you've got me up against the wall
00:38:57
dude i'm putting it out
00:39:07
here's the real honest truth right the reason why i have parking tickets on my [ __ ] windshield
00:39:13
right cause you don't [ __ ] no i don't know what to do with them are you [ __ ] take them off and pay
00:39:18
them yeah i don't know how to do that on the internet yep i don't know how there's a website at the bottom two
00:39:23
weeks ago i just learned how to tell time on the sticks you mean the clock yeah the clock so
00:39:30
mark maran taught me how to do it on on tiger valley 50 years old yeah because i refuse to learn oh why because it's just
00:39:38
out of stubbornness like i've had girlfriends go it's easy let me teach you guys i don't ever want to know i'm digital for life have you
00:39:46
paid off parking tickets now are they all gone but then what i had to do is get some dude to do it
00:39:51
[Laughter] to pay off your parking tickets yeah i don't pay anything like my dude
00:39:56
clinton i don't see his last name my dude clinton i've been with him for 15 20 years yeah and he all checks
00:40:04
right and everything goes to him the reason why is if it goes to me it'd be all gone
00:40:09
or you wouldn't know what to do with it yeah i know your business manager clinton yeah yeah let me tell you something about this why what
00:40:15
it might take him two or three full weeks to cash a check
00:40:21
i sent the guy a check yeah he cash it like a month later i know because how old is that dude
00:40:27
he's like 90 years old yeah okay because i called one time i was like what's your business address he's like four hold on
00:40:33
and he like walked outside yeah and read it off the wall yeah he's a black guy
00:40:39
i chose black [ __ ] does that have to do with the old black guy i like him what is back what give him back that's
00:40:45
right i'm going back right i like to give back right you know we go together right he's your business and asians go together
00:41:02
all right so stop no no let that go i'm not
00:41:14
i've never seen blind people go into a liquor store a korean liquor store and just start drinking
00:41:20
what you ain't met my father my real father what's the [ __ ] he used to do i used to get mad at him oh she used to go to
00:41:27
liquor stores just drink in the store grocery stores he used to just grab the apple juice drink it put it back on the shelf
00:41:33
[Laughter] dude never got caught
00:41:38
and then when i asked him i said pops man you why would you do that [ __ ] he said [ __ ] him i'm thirsty i said that ain't you still gotta pay for the [ __ ]
00:41:44
yeah really and then he never did you ever did you ever like just when he was going down one aisle just you just went to
00:41:50
another aisle because you didn't want to become i used to just like i used to just like fake yeah just like i used to fake like i got something to
00:41:56
do like pops i'ma go over here and look at something and he'd be like all right and then he come over there drinking a goddamn juice too and then he puts
00:42:02
everything [ __ ] don't bring the evidence over either this [ __ ] you go to the magazine section you know the colognes and stuff that's in the magazine
00:42:08
i used to do that though yeah yeah yeah that's real tough butcherbox can i say something right now
00:42:15
last night i made spaghetti but i wanted some ground beef oh yeah but i'm cool because i have butcher box it's in the
00:42:22
down store uh downstairs i have a specific freezer for this meat it's the
00:42:27
best meat in the market right i had a delicious meat sauce spaghetti last night meal
00:42:33
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got to tell you my favorite they had the pork chops um i like it
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00:43:49
andrew relationship take work buddy tell me about it a lot of us will drop anything to go help someone we care
00:43:55
about we'll go out of our way to treat other people well but often do we give ourselves the same treatment doc i don't
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think you do no this month better help online therapy wants to remind you to take care of your most important
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00:44:44
dot com bad friends no it's not a guy that's how you talk to people though you have no like what are you talking
00:44:50
about you don't see how i talk to people you don't exist in my world it's stuff like that hurts
00:44:55
or hurts you don't exist it hurts again you don't see how i talk to people i'm
00:45:00
extremely polite and sweet to people yeah it's a it's a he can vouch for that it's a mask
00:45:06
there's two sides to him right yeah what's underneath hello how are you what a great restaurant this is a delight or
00:45:12
whatever that's you is that what it sounds like to me you do that's what all white people sound like but um but when you're
00:45:19
when you know you and you're just having a conversation there's a lot of like just listen to me man i know what it is
00:45:26
this is what it is look at this i can't believe excessive pampering or criticism from parents
00:45:32
or a genetic predisposition [ __ ] if that isn't bobby lee mm-hmm that's [ __ ] that isn't you know look at carlos yeah
00:45:39
biological dad never have i i've never been pampered ever it was the opposite criticism from parents or a genetic
00:45:45
predisposition that's you in spades that's like you to the way criticism from parents
00:45:51
or a genetic predisposition just desperately genetic predisposition right so i don't think i have a genetic
00:45:57
predisposition yeah you do but you're born that way oh a hundred percent yeah
00:46:02
gods are born see are poor kid thinks he's a god no i don't i maybe
00:46:08
well is a god complex part of uh napoleon complex too being literally might have a little you know that was also that was also there's also fake
00:46:15
napoleon was average height for his side for his time period
00:46:20
i'm sorry it's not the same thing it is the same it's it's relative to each other i think he's just saying you've got a complex
00:46:28
complex is because he's small he wasn't small he was average size i'm just saying what the actual meaning means he was
00:46:34
five six that's like your height and the five four they should call it bobby complex
00:46:43
napoleon was taller than you
00:46:50
he was yeah that's good how tall does it say i am six one papa
00:46:55
yeah as a fact right there america you better believe it boys see i think what the [ __ ] put those i think white people
00:47:01
in general have a god complex
00:47:06
deep down inside and will you agree with me a lot of white people i'm not saying all but a lot of people deep down inside
00:47:12
think that they're better yeah do you think that they think they know that they're better that's right right so
00:47:18
do you feel that well you know what i think too though i'd love to hear your insights
00:47:28
if you're the dominant species within your or dominant race within that particular country
00:47:34
that that particular race is going to have a god complex like over in africa africans are go have a god player
00:47:41
complex russians have a compliment mexican korean yeah yeah like if we if he go to mexico they don't give a [ __ ]
00:47:48
about this guy you know what i mean it's like they do think i'm canelo they love me
00:47:53
mexicans love the show mixology they just do they're just big fans yeah yeah yeah but i'm just saying like
00:47:59
like after a while they gonna tell him you better learn spanish he can't just go over there just talk in english and tell
00:48:04
everybody you gotta learn how you sound like a republican here in america yeah you come over here you better learn english but it could be anywhere it's
00:48:10
just that you died herman cain what the [ __ ] that was good yeah yeah yeah i'm alive
00:48:16
and well yeah everybody
00:48:33
dude he went to that tulsa trump rally and no this isn't the height of covet i know but not a single person with a mask
00:48:39
in that thing but but uh just in case you thought biden's candidacy was going to be anything other than completely nuts team trump has released a new video
00:48:46
and david allen goes uh aren't you dead that's close
00:48:52
by the way how boss is that that herman can't get tweet from the grave the kang gang that's a great name the kane gang
00:48:58
so we i believe that um are you right maybe maybe you're right but can i but some societies like
00:49:05
koreans when they might have a god complex but they don't have a history of oppression oppressing another group of people
00:49:11
each other right are you [ __ ] out of your mind what the [ __ ] didn't you don't think asians had [ __ ] they didn't
00:49:18
koreans koreans didn't have slaves we didn't fly koreans have slaves yeah google that
00:49:24
yeah because i think that's [ __ ] wrong somebody built them pyramids it wasn't just somebody like you know what we're
00:49:29
korea had the longest broken korean but the youngest unbroken chain of slavery of any society in history
00:49:37
spanning 1500 years [ __ ] off that's not what it says
00:49:42
my eyes are blurry i want to read it read it out loud
00:49:48
get close all right korea had the longest unbroken chain
00:49:53
of slavery of any society in history
00:50:01
holy [ __ ] you guys are [ __ ] scumbags
00:50:06
we're fuck-outs dude that's insane who did we enslave find out yeah who did
00:50:13
we enslave well a caste system first of all you [ __ ] enslaved your own [ __ ] people the nobody that doesn't
00:50:18
count yes it does that's how does that count that's even more repulsive your own brother if i have kids and
00:50:39
perspective uh your perspective on comedy and trying [ __ ] up jokes
00:50:45
is probably the reason why i think we get along so well oh yeah cause you [ __ ] you're you sling it you might as well
00:50:50
throw it yeah you know honestly dude and this is my honest truth here's what i've always loved about you
00:50:57
is i always i always thought you were funny i've always encouraged you right mister
00:51:04
is that true or not 100 100 yeah i always i think you're hilarious and i always thought you were magical
00:51:10
but here's the thing you could take it okay you know man there's this weird thing about comedy where people think
00:51:17
you're not supposed to be vulnerable in comedy but then they watch the golden girls and then they watch martin they see coal or rose and they they laugh
00:51:24
hysterically it's like yeah i'm like the rose and cole sometimes i can take it i get you throw it out i'm sitting back
00:51:30
and then i could be the guy to give it it's just like one of those things so i don't i don't trip on it you don't say i love that statement yeah it's good
00:51:36
that's pretty powerful very powerful but it is true also we get so sometimes on this show like we're [ __ ] around so
00:51:41
much we're joking around but then when we do get serious it is there are moments when we have to
00:51:47
let it sit and be real and then joke about it afterwards but but comics are always expected to like
00:51:52
you know constantly pump out comedy and jokes and jokes and jokes but we have our vulnerable moments bobby showed a
00:51:58
lot of vulnerability when you were when you went away your phone calls were super vulnerable to me ah yeah it was
00:52:05
heavy really heavy but i mean i'm glad i'm glad we have to have that thing too that has to exist because there's got to be
00:52:11
real love beyond all the comedy well when you when you look back at mike you know what i'm saying yeah doc
00:52:18
because when i was growing up in comedy in the 90s just the people above me 80s
00:52:25
80s i mean the people above me were so mean it's
00:52:31
the same for me when i started i know but i think we're nicer to the young people oh my god i love ten times but i
00:52:37
love but i think the difference is and i'll be honest yeah the younger people now in comedy
00:52:44
i think are funnier at a younger age than we were my god there's some young kids like trevor
00:52:50
wallace one time i don't know who he was and i i followed him at the improv and i
00:52:56
looked down off this white guy got this i didn't watch a set this white guy i got this you're a fighter in my head yeah in my
00:53:03
head out loud all right and i struggled you did yeah because i didn't take it
00:53:09
seriously and i walked up and he crossed you could hear it yeah and then when i was on stairs was like
00:53:14
oh yeah this guy's good you know who kills you know who i really like because we've talked you've talked about trevor on the
00:53:20
show before but i'd uh but i want to give uh i like matt lockwood do you know how that is oh man you love
00:53:25
him yeah he crushes he got dude i think he's so [ __ ] funny but he's part i don't know age-wise how old he is
00:53:31
but he's part of i mean the younger group of people even before trevor you think about this i don't know how old they are i don't know how old any of
00:53:38
these [ __ ] guys are but i mean when i first saw taylor tomlinson i'm like oh yeah her special just permit just came out
00:53:44
yeah i mean just trevor's 29 he's a young guy amazing let me ask you all this yeah now we was talking about how
00:53:49
hard people were on you in the 90s or the 50s whatever time you grew up so now think about this
00:53:55
well do you think you would have been there being able to handle both down i'm trying to it's not
00:54:00
a job interview but do you think you would have been able to handle liv living in new york and being a comic because you know how
00:54:06
they were or i think it would have been the same for bobby you think so yeah only because
00:54:11
only because i think new york gets this credit like they're more gritty than us for some reason in the world of comedy comedy was
00:54:18
just as competitive it's just i think new york new york peers were a little bit more harsh to each other more like
00:54:24
you know maybe they pushed each other more and that is a joke-centric city of like hardcore joke writers but it doesn't
00:54:31
mean the competition wasn't as tough out here maybe you know i think out here it was more like a lot of personality based comedy
00:54:38
came out of la more so than thoroughbred joke writers i'll give them that but also we've caught up to them at
00:54:44
this point there's plenty of [ __ ] phenomenal joke writers and they're coming out of la in other places not new
00:54:49
york they just kind of claimed that fame but for bobby the competition was insanely thick and also littered with
00:54:55
everyone that wasn't him you know what i mean it was like yeah because back when i did it there was like three asian dudes i was aware of
00:55:02
that if that right there was that fan yeah yeah oh yeah yeah yeah and then ken
00:55:08
started doing it but that was later a couple years later so there wasn't but my mom always says
00:55:13
you know if i did not come to america
00:55:19
no that's a pretty good introduction yeah you you would have you know you would have carried rice in korea also as a job
00:55:26
buca and pucca so um but i my argument is
00:55:32
mom there's comedy there too i mean i think i would have no matter what society i i lived in unless it was like
00:55:40
i was in like you know like a cambodian person that was living in the pol pot regime or something khmer
00:55:46
rouge tough there's no opportunity there sure but any place that was up there was opportunity i think i would be able to survive and done it yeah but you
00:55:52
wouldn't be doing stand-up yeah but i was doing some form of comedy and and and my friend danny cho you know danny i
00:55:58
don't i don't think so so danny cho was i used to do this um sketch on mad tv called um
00:56:04
johnny gone and pongo oh i know this game put johnny gone in pongo oh yeah johnny gone
00:56:09
and pongo gone johnny gone g-a-n and pongo just put it in something let's
00:56:15
just see what happens there we go so go to the duo with the second one
00:56:23
so i used to do a sketch called johnny god you know i mean and he's basically i have my own talk show in
00:56:30
this island off of thailand you know and it's a makeshift you know talk show and i just just he didn't say
00:56:36
much i used to slap him in the face and then if you lift open the shirt there's a um underdeveloped uh
00:56:42
he has a twin i was under development so he would talk so there's a korean guy coming out of
00:56:47
his belly eddie so after you know mad tv was over he was
00:56:54
doing stand up and he goes he says to me one day he goes there's no stand up in korea and i go
00:57:00
okay and he goes um [Music] dude this is the most racist
00:57:06
sketch i did 20 of these but it's about koreans no no they're thai and there's it's so stereotypical
00:57:13
it's so [ __ ] backwards king johnny yeah oh my god bob
00:57:26
first movie we've seen is little miss sunshine let me tell you what it is
00:57:32
i don't know what it is the movie starts and i say i don't know what's doings is here
00:57:38
this movie sucks the people in it is these george clooneys
00:57:45
[Music]
00:57:53
so anyway so that dude started this stand-up scene in korea and it's doing well yeah you keep in
00:57:59
contact with him yeah and i also have to say that maybe i have a little something to do with that
00:58:04
how well i gave this [ __ ] guys kid a shot but you didn't put any effort into him opening [ __ ] up in korea i went
00:58:11
do it yeah give him away but you know what dude my encouragement means something
00:58:18
no okay yeah i'll tell you what i'll tell you what is weird and i talked about this on my show on on
00:58:25
whiskey ginger there is this weird looming thing about scientology that like nobody talks about in la but it's [ __ ] everywhere
00:58:32
it's everywhere scientology oh my god what they're they're like the third
00:58:37
largest property owner in los angeles yeah yeah they own everything that means there's thousands of them but no one talks about
00:58:44
who is it yeah i mean i dated one you know that right i know we talked to seo yeah but i'm just saying like
00:58:50
it's not a conversation piece and yet they're [ __ ] everywhere how come nobody wants to talk about it
00:58:57
well it was in the movie the scientology movie would come become clear going clear yeah going clear
00:59:02
about all the real estate that they own and i don't know what i'm saying you have to be friends with a lot of people that are scientologists and just not
00:59:08
know it yeah i mean you have to be yeah yeah just by by proxy we're here that's what
00:59:13
weirds me out is i'm like how come no one tells me about it or they don't even bring it up yeah they don't recruit you
00:59:19
no you know what's funny my first [ __ ] audition in l.a was for a movie for a scientology movie you know they
00:59:25
have their own video production yeah i got an audition off of like craigslist or some [ __ ] and it was like
00:59:30
looking for young you know eager 20 something year old men to be in a whatever blah blah video production so i
00:59:37
went to the church of scientology on franklin you know the franklin one yeah and i knew nothing about it i just moved
00:59:43
here i i didn't even i've never even heard of it before and i went into this little the celebrity center celebrity center yeah i
00:59:49
went in this little audition room and they made me fill out all this paperwork dude it was endless and in my mind i was like [ __ ] auditions are
00:59:56
you gonna sign away your soul for these things and then at the end of it i realized oh this is a church huh it's a church thing
01:00:04
yeah like i finally caught fire there's a gigantic marble head statue of [ __ ] l ron hubbard i
01:00:10
didn't know what that was i was 21 years old who do you think that was i thought it was i thought it was wrong
01:00:15
olivier i thought it was ron howard yeah yeah ron hubbard i thought it was ron howard i misheard it plus there's like poppy my
01:00:22
hero there's all this navel drapery and then did they have the can can machines
01:00:28
i was poor i needed money they were gonna give don't get me angry i'm just asking a question no but i'm telling you
01:00:34
my answer i was a dumb poor 21 year old who was like i can't eat this month i'll take anything did you get the part no i
01:00:41
was soon as i found out it was a church yeah i immediately jetted because i was like i don't want to do some religious [ __ ] that i know nothing about yeah
01:00:46
that would have been dangerous it was bad right yeah but but i seriously i went in a room i filled all this stuff it was like do you have a history of you
01:00:53
know it started off small it's like did you have you ever have a history of health conditions uh mental illness in your family cancer and i was like why
01:00:59
didn't you need to know all this medical [ __ ] yeah and i filled out [ __ ] all of it so somewhere in the books they've
01:01:05
got a half a santino audition yeah but there was a time in hollywood and i wish you could even say the word like we mad
01:01:11
tv did a sketch you remember that movie my big fat greek wedding i love we did a sketch called my big fat scientology
01:01:18
wedding we built the set we casted it the lawyers came in they shut it down because somebody up top and [ __ ]
01:01:25
somebody up top at uh but that's how much power they had so at the time like even talking about this right now makes
01:01:30
me scared no they're what i know but at that time though not saying anything bad i know but at that time you have to
01:01:35
understand the kind of power they had in hollywood yeah because when they sued the irs like
01:01:41
ten thousand thousands of people sued the irs that scientologists and then they gave them um religious immunity
01:01:46
what does it tax the irs yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah some of the biggest stars are scientologists right name you some will
01:01:53
smith will smith uh tom tom cruise will smith yeah will smith kirsty alley
01:01:58
tom cruise uh what does that say nancy cartwright who voices bart
01:02:04
travolta travolta was yeah he's not on there anymore though but giovanni rabisi
01:02:09
is he yeah wow because i um the girl that i dated um i do want to see xenu i'm not going
01:02:14
to lie i do want to see them too well that's why they but they get you they get you yeah yeah you get a little bit of money in your pocket they're like
01:02:20
dude 100 grand you could meet zeno you're like what does he like dude it's funny because that's like you have to pay
01:02:26
the hundreds of thousands of classes to get to even that level and years and years
01:02:31
and then imagine you work all this time 20 years you finally get to the ninth
01:02:36
level whatever it is they give you a briefcase and then there's like writings of you know like handwritten letters and
01:02:42
stuff by l ron hubbard but then they tell you about xenu then yeah i can only imagine what you would you
01:02:48
you would have done you would have been imagining you would've snapped they hand me the briefcase and they walk out of the room
01:02:54
and then they come back i'm just jerking off in the briefcase like this is all i've ever wanted [Laughter]
01:03:01
dude i buy into none of this stuff i think it's all gobbly gucci but i do want to say um as their defense
01:03:08
i don't care i want to defend them i have nothing against the people i don't give a [ __ ] i don't know you know how like sometimes when you
01:03:15
you talk to people like comics especially and they never really tell you how they feel or what's going on or even
01:03:23
like fake [ __ ] like you know great set when they haven't even seen your set or whatever i hate that yeah i hate that
01:03:29
but scientologists are very like clear and so when i did date one i knew
01:03:35
exactly what was going on how she felt you know i mean she was just honest maybe that was a character trait and not
01:03:41
scientology no it was that because her mom was like that her people around her were like that they're just very like
01:03:46
clear did she ever try to recruit you to the church yes did you ever think about it i went there
01:03:52
and i did the machine if the [ __ ] was good enough you'd be a scientologist today that's the truth
01:03:58
if the trap was good you'd be yeah you'd be there [ __ ] has made some guys do [ __ ] all sorts of tricks yeah if she was like a
01:04:05
10 right i think i would be like i didn't have scales on my face
01:04:10
i'd see new scales right i'd have the implants i think i would look like him
01:04:15
yeah i'd wear the blue suit i would scrub you'd go to what is it called what's the one in florida the one in tampa what is it called their uh yeah c
01:04:22
c org c org yeah i probably have a different language like say hi to me
01:04:29
bobby what the [ __ ] what is that i am in the middle of a set on stage right you're like yeah my my friend and
01:04:34
i were traveling oh my god i'm sorry i'm sorry there they are right now lined
01:04:39
up like captain that was the i think the biggest bother to me was that they they mock the military that's like mock
01:04:44
military they have nothing to do with the military yeah this is stolen valor isn't it how come they can't clap them for this because
01:04:50
it's religion but it's but it's but they're mocking them oh i don't like the way you [ __ ] said that because you know it's a religion i was saying it
01:04:57
confident but you're a stake in the claim i don't know what no definitely not no this no no but i
01:05:02
mean like but truly this is military garb in a religious form is to me it's very odd there's no
01:05:09
military ties that guy don't look like he can protect anybody
01:05:14
that's a girl by the way you don't know you don't know that they could be whatever that they
01:05:20
want yeah but they get paid like what like 15 cents a day i mean just crazy i don't know they pay them i think they
01:05:25
donate their time when they go to that c-org thing but then if you snake your way through the thing then you get then you get like capital gains from other
01:05:32
like you know from other members and then you start to move up and then you start making money do you know where you see them at the gelsons on franklin
01:05:39
really really yeah so you see it's the sea org people they're at the gelsons so like kelson
01:05:45
closes at midnight and they're there so if you're 11 11 if you're there eleven you see them what
01:05:50
are they suits they're snacking on yeah and i yeah and i always go ahoy or what you know
01:05:56
you don't know what to say you don't know what this says you know what i mean and i always let them like coming up on your starboard
01:06:01
heads up i always let them cut in line oh because you think no i just feel like yeah go ahead you know i don't want a career
01:06:07
to be all ruined no you know what it is you do that because just in case they have the key to the thing what thing
01:06:14
the life the mystery of the universe do you think so like if say the world ends yeah and all these scientologists are like you fools you didn't listen to us
01:06:21
and then they point at bobby they're like he's okay he's with us yeah he let me pass at galson's and then maybe you
01:06:27
you you get lifted up in the spaceship with him
01:06:34
yeah and they look at me and they're like [ __ ] no i think the reason why is because i am a
01:06:39
huge tom cruise fan yeah i like him who's not a tom cruise fan let's move something fun bob carlos
01:06:46
wants me to go to the can real fast he says he's got some hot ones in here all right
01:06:51
no let me try one what if andrew was tragically killed in
01:06:58
an elephant trampling what if elephants trampled me to death do you know what's so insane about this
01:07:03
i was watching naked and afraid the other night and they were they were elephants going by their camp and the south african guy was like you
01:07:10
know they'll ride over the bush they'll [ __ ] you up right over the bush they'll push it down and i thought
01:07:16
how the [ __ ] would you get away from an elephant in the middle you're it's you're [ __ ] yeah dude if you got trampled by
01:07:22
elephants please don't do that because you know what i turn into moby dick
01:07:28
i would hunt down every elephant would you really find me out of rage are you serious oh yeah but then would you but i
01:07:33
would tell people the one that trampled you i keep him alive
01:07:38
i would keep him alive yeah and i would have um you'd feed him yeah feed him like wash him no boo
01:07:44
i don't have an elephant i don't know if elephants love [ __ ] sushi but you want to go to a nobu and
01:07:50
they would have to well because of covet maybe they have an outdoor area they gotta have outdoors yeah bobby is that a
01:07:56
horse he's a horse elephant yeah well how does that elephant sound
01:08:02
right he's going you know hamachi yeah yeah he loves him he's like new
01:08:07
style sashimi so if that happened i would hunt all of them down kill them and keep the one that trampled you i
01:08:13
love you thank you man but then you'd secretly kill that guy later in life you'd keep him around and
01:08:18
then you'd slowly kill him oh i would yeah slowly like um peel-a-skin do they
01:08:23
did they they dismantle and they stay they kill people constantly how many people get killed by elephants
01:08:30
a year no seriously this is like a real thing how often they do they're aggressive as [ __ ]
01:08:35
have you ever seen an elephant in real life no holy i mean in zoo but not like how
01:08:40
human deaths what is that a hundred to five hundred five hundred a year 500 [ __ ] people are dying at the hands of another
01:08:46
[ __ ] how does it happen repeatedly like that dude because people that live in look elephants have been known to raid villages in south asia hey bobby so
01:08:54
so it's a lot of asians getting killed by uh you [ __ ] hold on hold on
01:09:02
hey this is a teachable moment right so let me ask you something to his point you talked to any [ __ ] hey i'm
01:09:09
sorry my tone dead come on you talked to any [ __ ] kid where do elephants live do they say [ __ ]
01:09:16
uh hong kong yeah or do they say [ __ ] africa bro they're in africa exactly
01:09:22
okay i bet you more black people get trampled you want to do a race award
01:09:28
i bet you we don't why because you're why you're about to say something racist why they ain't saying no just say why and
01:09:35
we'll cut it out because black people are like the tarzan of you know
01:09:40
they go with their [ __ ] physical their physical elites facts are facts
01:09:46
who's gonna outrun an elephant an asian guy or a black guy or hussein bolt who's your money on yeah usain bolt or what's
01:09:52
the figure skater's name from korea yeah yeah nathan chet he's nathan versus usain bolt who's gonna win but if it was
01:09:59
on ice
01:10:10
to prove maybe doc's point where are the majority of elephant deaths where do they take place the hot
01:10:15
where's the highest amount of elephant deaths i would say okay you're saying china asia i'm saying africa
01:10:21
the majority of elephant humans getting killed by elephants you're saying what africa yeah and what
01:10:27
are you saying doc asia no it's it's actually india 300 people may be killed yeah so it is asia yeah asia was right
01:10:34
it says it said south asia in the clip so 300 people may be killed
01:10:40
it's always like a indian dude [ __ ] oh really now it's an indian dude but
01:10:45
before you didn't even know give me the [ __ ] right right next door right next door well india is in asia
01:10:51
yeah whatever yeah bobby doesn't want like that though
01:10:56
they're south asians they are but but also to be fair when i was in tokyo and japan i saw elephants
01:11:03
everywhere in japan all over the streets in japan roaming the streets of tokyo okay that's
01:11:09
crazy what if bobby was at tiananmen square
01:11:17
[Laughter] when that is a really good one who wrote that
01:11:23
was that you pete you mean when i the guy that chewed gum and he threw it and they was in prison is that tnm scare at
01:11:28
where yeah is that what that is the tank dude it's the tank you've never seen the image this this iconic image oh yeah yeah yeah
01:11:35
they're saying you standing in front of a tank what would you have done if you were him i would not you know what that tank
01:11:40
could have kept rolling over bobby and not not killed him at all he could have just kept going it wouldn't even have touched him yeah
01:11:46
it would have just gone over his head and he's like oh hey yeah well uh you would have never dude
01:11:52
never stopped and you would have never gone in front of a tank you don't have that guy it depends on what the why he's doing it those tanks were going
01:11:58
to kill your mom yeah i would those tanks are going to kill your brother yeah big boss
01:12:05
those tanks are going to kill george say it nobody can hear you no okay those
01:12:11
tanks are going to kill fancy no those tanks are going to kill pete
01:12:16
and carlos together combined just a twofer nope
01:12:21
those pizzas are going to kill doc yeah bro you'd stand in front of them those tanks are coming together no no no
01:12:26
no that's enough you're right those tanks are going to kill me 100 i [ __ ] love you it's only because i'm
01:12:32
money oh i get that yeah yeah like who am i gonna pod with yeah that's true
01:12:37
it's like half my income is your life yeah i get that yeah that makes sense don't get trampled by elephants
01:12:43
all right here we go what if bob me doc
01:12:49
let's do carlos and pete and george had to negotiate their order line in a
01:12:55
human centipede okay i'm up front
01:13:01
no i have to be up no no you're in the back i'll tell you why you're last he's last
01:13:06
why would i be last because you don't know what we're talking about well you don't have the shortage that's true you don't know what
01:13:11
any of it needs to just be last you know what human centipede is you never saw it no oh my god oh my god well first of all
01:13:17
you'd be at the end the reason that's us the reason you'd be at the end i like the elephant walk no no no
01:13:22
in the movie this is a real movie um these tours get captured by some
01:13:28
it's hard to explain okay imagine there's a pitch to a [ __ ] studio so this is actually what yeah i'm a studio executive yes so um
01:13:35
dude we're so excited to read this script and you wouldn't let us read it but can we just hear what it is i would love to tell you okay i love it so uh
01:13:41
we're so excited we're such basically um these american tourists they go to
01:13:46
okay this is great that's right they go to germany oh my god and we can shoot in germany oh my god yeah so locations location
01:13:53
location yeah yeah it's everything and a crazy night out you know partying they run into a german surgeon or you know
01:14:00
type that type of guy i love this like chris christophel exactly exactly maybe we get him maybe we don't okay okay
01:14:05
and then they get captured by him right okay tension drama
01:14:11
anyway they captured two girl right he kept a two girl and an asian guy a japanese guy great another you know
01:14:17
tourists yeah if it goes in japan they they love to go to different countries do they ever though they're not and
01:14:23
they're just clicking click click click click there anyway he's a surgeon so they these three wake up and so you know
01:14:30
one um it's a human centipede you love animals i love it yeah you love
01:14:35
uh david attenborough oh my god yeah one of my favorites all those you know the ones about you know with that life you
01:14:42
know and all the animals you know i love hills exactly i love it i love it right i love them anyway so he makes the three
01:14:49
a human centipede so how this works is you know i s the i
01:14:54
crazy that's crazy oh god this is a make-believe guy i love this movie already anyway he surgically implants
01:15:02
their mouths to each other's butthole so you know um the guy in the front is
01:15:09
has the easy i'm going to make him the asian guy because you know you know who his poos are uh small and tiny you know
01:15:16
because he doesn't eat a lot you know but anyway so he pulls into the woman's mouth right and then she pulls into the
01:15:22
other woman's mouth right and they just kind of like they go well the two you know what's good about this
01:15:28
not a lot of dialogue for the two girls right yeah because you know you can't you cannot talk when
01:15:33
you're surgically implanted into somebody's butthole right yeah so as an actress what a wonder let me stop
01:15:40
you right there let me stop you yes
01:15:46
here's a check for 800. exactly so that's that was an actual who is the human set so you [ __ ] kid like
01:15:54
you never you never heard of it that's the craziest okay so anyway
01:16:00
in a huge human sentiment repeat right doc would be at the end right i will tell you why doc
01:16:07
on a real centipede yeah the back has to be the most important okay because your legs have to be the
01:16:13
strongest and yours are the shortest and strongest to the ground because you've got to push all that weight up front yeah imagine like a bunch of people
01:16:18
inside you putting coal you're the caboose you're the caboose but i want a [ __ ] in somebody's mouth too if i'm going to be getting myself
01:16:25
i know if we add somebody maybe we'll find someone else
01:16:37
i know your fear and i know how bummed you'd be so can you just imagine somebody is because you're not gonna
01:16:43
really even care how about this yeah at night yeah at night the first guy bobby
01:16:49
yeah he has to come all the way around and you get to poop in his mouth so it's a big circle okay right yeah just at night during the day
01:16:55
you can't [ __ ] in anybody's mouth right so all right so you you and i who would have to gamble
01:17:00
to his front let me tell you something yeah if you take front yeah i'm somewhere way down the line i don't want
01:17:06
to be anywhere near i promise you this it's bad i promise you this uh i will change my diet you doubt it don't do
01:17:12
that just to spite me no i won't if i'm behind
01:17:29
i would go to you know we would go hope that little vegetarian restaurant on ventura right now that's even worse why
01:17:34
no you need proteins for it to be more solid you tell me all right you tell me i'd rather something thick that i can
01:17:39
bite all right so how about this right you can't talk right so what i would do is i'll give you a piece of paper right
01:17:45
and go you know i'll go what should i have for breakfast i'll be very mindful about that call her
01:17:51
coffee yeah yeah all right and i'll just drink coffee so i want to get it over with oh you wouldn't get overwhelmed well coffee's
01:17:56
going to make it so if i'm in the front you'd be second ah please just give me a space you know what yeah carlos
01:18:03
he's got a low impact diet yeah i know he doesn't eat a lot of crazy [ __ ] do you carlos no okay good you know why i
01:18:08
also want him huh his smooth head on your ass oh my [ __ ] would feel so
01:18:13
good that cold smooth head all right so then me and then after me is pete
01:18:20
or hell no yeah yeah hell no yeah the color's got to be where peter is because
01:18:25
look how big pete is that means he's got to be [ __ ] in my mouth george is still in between you oh george
01:18:30
so george is going to get as usual george is going to get the brunt of all the [ __ ] yeah yeah yes so george has had
01:18:36
attached to pete yeah and then and then doc is attached to george george yeah which i feel like is a good lineup well
01:18:42
no because because once again george gets the the brunt of all the [ __ ] just like this show yeah and he probably won't
01:18:48
give doc any [ __ ] because he's too he's just feels bad yeah but what because oh
01:18:54
yeah another white man [ __ ] in my mouth you know what i mean feel bad about it yeah but the thing is is that what
01:18:59
you're going to be eating is going to be the closest thing to food yeah from what he's eating pure [ __ ]
01:19:07
i mean there's nothing remotely food in there no nutrients nothing oh yeah because it's a trickle oh yeah
01:19:14
we gotta think about this whole concept well let me say this [Applause]
01:19:21
i'm a scientologist [Laughter] you're all done for dude i'm cooking you
01:19:27
bud it's over i'm telling everybody about this that you guys talk [ __ ] i was baiting you
01:19:32
you're [ __ ] you know what oh even if that were to be true they
01:19:39
wouldn't let me in and they wouldn't we don't have enough money you have to have so much money to get it yeah
01:19:44
thank you for being a bad friend [Music]
