00:00:00
you two are bad these two idiots bad friends I went to [ __ ] Houston and he was an MC yeah and he doesn't even
00:00:16
introduce himself to me he just goes he's a Mexican guy and he goes hey bro I go yeah he goes I'm the number-one comic
00:00:25
in Texas that's his opening line it's a big state so I go it's pretty good i won
00:00:31
you know funniest man in Texas or whatever some couple he won funniest man yeah oh yeah so I go okay any good and
00:00:38
then this is the what drives me crazy when a MC says this do done even though I'm doing here dude on my headliner bro
00:00:44
that's what in annoying I use it for they go I usually headline yeah I know what I'm doing it right now and I am so
00:00:53
I go okay so that he goes up and he does a 15-minute bit about [ __ ] old ladies as an MC that's my I do that I know
00:01:00
that's your closer that's my biggest closer I go Gladys I'm ready to give you a gummy and so I go um after the show I just go dude you cuz I had a Fiat's
00:01:14
arity on or somebody feel of love her right so and she's pretty clean you know she's cheese that was I super clean this
00:01:21
is kind of like I don't want to follow that that's why I go dude a bro you know the way she you know it's say or whatever I go you gotta you can't you
00:01:32
gotta clean it out yeah he goes what dude I'm a headliner bro oh you gotta be so then his second show he doubles down yeah because you exactly you don't have
00:01:44
to do course she's gonna do doubles down yeah and he does a bit about like you know foot [ __ ] midgets that's my other opener yeah [ __ ] midgets by the
00:02:00
way that is a funny concept I don't even know the bit but it's not yet anyway he literally gets upstage and look him
00:02:06
right in the eyes ago you're fired oh you fired him on the spot yeah do you try to fight you because you
00:02:11
can't do that like I just did I just called um Raymond you're gone I just call and I
00:02:18
can go even higher yeah you're done dude bye-bye can I can I say something two things one happy fourth of July I hope everyone had a great 4th of July weekend
00:02:33
I hope everyone partied Bobby sent off fireworks and Bobby lied to me Bobby said that he was in Joshua Tree and it caused a panic I said hey do we recording today well and you see I'm
00:02:47
gonna be honest I called you and I said hey dude I rented an Airbnb in Joshua Tree and I just completely forgot about it and then you go you're [ __ ] kidding right you're [ __ ] kidding no
00:03:01
dude and then you go no you three 3:30 you got to be here and I go um I'm not gonna make it you go and then you got you got boylee be real what you did you're not being honest about what you
00:03:13
did you're I'm a good tell if someone is bullshitting me you are not a good of an
00:03:21
actor and you sold it better than I've ever heard you sell anything why because because was it in the disaster already
00:03:27
is that why why is that why watch the new game show with rob gun Kowski and robbery ok America don't make fun of my projects I want make fun of your project ok foot of my acting skills it's you're
00:03:40
not that good of an actor so what I'm saying was no but listen listen yeah you got emotional on the phone and it you suck I suck I bought into it I know you did you said you go the whole family's
00:03:53
up here and jewels and and animals and and then I got worried I go [ __ ] they did maybe he took the whole family and
00:03:58
they need you okay so you suckered me with emotion I know I was not believing it until you got emotional that's called
00:04:03
acting that's not good acting you got so you got suckered into it but I couldn't see you I could only hear any matter
00:04:09
that's how good I am here a good voice actor you're a good voice actor you'd be a great voice actor in fact there's new
00:04:14
slots opening up in Hollywood that white people took of non-white roles but I'm on it first of all number one you [ __ ]
00:04:21
[ __ ] that's a show number one [ __ ] [ __ ] I'm on a Netflix show coming out of them regular on what's it called it's called
00:04:28
inside job with Mike dirty jobs then spin-off with micro no no what is it about it's a bunch of but two scientists that work for the government but we're like a I don't want to get into it
00:04:40
because it's not out yet cuz you don't know what it is I do know what it is and number two I'm in a Sony movie would
00:04:48
called um wish dragon with Jackie Chan me John Cho and I want to like the leaves it's a voiceover movie coming out well you also and I've also done you know I mean I was on the awesomes which
00:04:59
is a [ __ ] Hulu so [ __ ] you dude I said you're a good voice actor I can do everything no you can't do everything
00:05:05
you can't dance you're not a triple threat you can't sing or dance you can act but you can't sing or dance period
00:05:11
people like the um daddy why you die song I was because of me so you lied to me about going to Airbnb and I almost I almost wanted to tax kalila to be like is this [ __ ] real because that you
00:05:25
got me that much that I was like [ __ ] Manny you guys really go in the [ __ ] desert yeah and then I know you are but
00:05:30
you are a great ass [ __ ] you no no you have to know what the [ __ ] I don't believe you I'll never believe you now I'll never believe you and also I'm
00:05:36
doing you a [ __ ] favor by being here right now okay so you're doing me a favor because I we came in on an off day yeah oh thank you so much Bobby yeah you're
00:05:49
so sweet I'm sorry to interrupt your jerk-off video game sleep troll schedule yeah you booger at a Booker you're a booger why because I'm yellow and slimy [Laughter]
00:06:03
you're a [ __ ] this is my month you're a good guy thank you this is my mother heart yoga guy this is
00:06:10
my month this was this was my celebratory weekend this is the fourth is the Independence of the United States of America pal you know do you even know
00:06:18
what the fourth of July I do know what what's it about it's about when Magellan came here and then Lucifer Franco the
00:06:24
boat no yes let me get it they came here from the noses of four different Gobbo right and they hit Plymouth Rock they
00:06:31
didn't hit it let me finish right yeah and then this this is a Murray boat right yeah with the other guy Columbo
00:06:39
yes right and they gave me or dude and they [ __ ] gave the Indians the blankets
00:06:44
yeah keep them all right and then Washington D came yep right Washington D cape dude yeah it became our first president dude that's Ana signed a proclamation of independence dude they
00:06:56
signed a proclamation of it right and that's what happened thank you so much Kristina do you know strip right do you know what fourth of July is what it means I just know that the colonies
00:07:12
were fighting the British they won so knows more than you literally knows more than you yeah not born here knows more than you literally knows more than you I honestly believe you don't really know what it's about I don't why don't we set
00:07:25
off fireworks do you know what do you know I don't no idea I have no idea and you know what you're doing you're doing it right now and this is your name I'm
00:07:31
trying to revoke your Chris are you hard trying to get you out of this country I don't know won't you go back to where you came from that you like to put
00:07:38
people in shame no not you I you like the call you like to cause drama I want routine I don't shine you because
00:07:43
of how mean you are to her sometimes I want her to clap back at you well I'm so good to her at home am I not good to you at home I'm so good to her at home wait
00:07:50
can I show something of Rudy I got sent this this is so fun look at this who is that Bobby who is that do you know who that is well that guy shows up every once well in my house I think he's the either
00:08:03
the gardener or so he's this guy he is sometimes ends up in the guy sometimes see in the garage so this is a member
00:08:09
this isn't the newest member of the Lee household yes people at home own this is Ramon Ramon
00:08:17
we want you to meet Ramon here Ramon Valadez he's how old is he he's about 18 18 or 19 in yeah yeah and he works with you guys he does work he just mysteriously appears kind of like a you
00:08:31
know a sorcerer he just pops up but it's weird I never see him and and Rudy in the same room ever at the same time did you know Ramon do you know Ramon well have you ever met him no you've never
00:08:44
met Ramon yeah he's a really nice kid apparently he works kalila I was saying he's he's handy around the house he
00:08:49
fixes stuff he does big stuffs very nice he's very sweet loves to make eggs for summer he's a big egg guy the
00:08:55
big egg guy yeah why he's the dogs which is great but he likes his eggs soft scramble which is really annoying yeah
00:09:00
that's that's the new member Ramon that's Ramon and Ramon's girlfriend we have a picture of his girlfriend this is his girlfriend here yeah that's yeah
00:09:07
that's Suzie this is Suzie Suzie Lee this is Suzie Lee yeah and she I don't remember her she so I know Suzie very well people say that she wanders around the house right but yeah I don't really
00:09:21
recall I don't ever see her you don't see that she's yeah no she's the aunt of Ramon oh this is Ramon yeah come on she's the remote remote sod can I tell you something about her yeah very cute
00:09:33
she has to one of those little fat faces you know those little cute little fat faces yeah yeah and she's got very nice
00:09:40
pudgy little cheeks I just want to pinch her cute mind you she's 50 she is 50 years old yeah but
00:09:48
she looks really good very tight vagina though really yes Wow yes and one more family member that's added to the new bad friends household this this ladies
00:10:02
and gentlemen is I'll tell you this is Sheila here's Sheila she's friends with she's friends with Susie yeah Sheila is good are you a lot now you can just tell
00:10:15
by looking at this that she is a [ __ ] there's no doubt about yeah yeah she is an awful [ __ ] you know the first thing comes out of her mouth what I said no tomatoes she's although she gets so mad
00:10:28
at customer service she's not a nice person yeah she for some reason she she really
00:10:33
does have a hard time just keeping it together and it could be this fiery red hair okay so let's let's be honest now
00:10:40
okie dokie the face app everybody knows this is you this is I mean I'm gonna and honestly if I was single would I [ __ ]
00:10:47
that girl would you be real you would so really yeah do you think she's she I wouldn't date her I wouldn't date her no no no if I was in you know me Dayton
00:11:01
Ohio playing the funny bone or whatever and I and I should come up the show and I'm like hey
00:11:06
I really loved your performance you're so funny yeah I'd just be like yeah open your mouth
00:11:14
Sheila so okay Sheila it is she what do you think root is Sheila gross she looks
00:11:20
intimidating who's cuter Sheila or Suzie let's side-by-side it who's cuter you like Suzie you like
00:11:29
Suzie that's cuz you're racist no let me ask you something yeah if you were single yeah would you hook up with
00:11:35
Suzie if I was single okay let me be honest suzana Suzie looks like okay her face
00:11:42
this is not about you she looks like she drinks in smokes a little bit too much she looks like she's been she's weathered a few storms and I bet you she'd had she'd have a fun couple of late night clubs to go to so yeah I
00:11:54
might take Suzie out am I gonna call her again no chance no the same with Sheila Suzie looks like these are
00:12:01
one-night-standers we are one as of women were these are one-night stand women you know that old racist term that
00:12:06
that Vietnam vets say $2 I know I'll [ __ ] yeah dude I let [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] is a dollar thirty she's a dollar thirty
00:12:16
fucky-fucky how much am i I mean I'm sorry how much is Sheila Sheila is she looks like a
00:12:22
[ __ ] $80 Vegas girl really yeah yeah that makes me feel yeah I'm a dollar thirty [ __ ] you know what but you know what's funny when the makeup comes off for both of these girls I know right
00:12:34
yeah not good looking and Ramon by the way Ramon what's real yeah is sexy as [ __ ] Ramon
00:12:40
knows jujitsu it looks like a UH Krav Maga yeah a big Krav Maga guy dude he is actually super good-looking I'm not kidding I like he is but yeah I've shown this to a few friends that listen to the
00:12:52
show yeah and they didn't know who was I know it's so yeah it's really it doesn't look like a load like you pretty it
00:12:59
doesn't look like you would so straight we did the face app we all collapsed on the ground and we laughed it's it well because it's so good and
00:13:06
then you saw and then here's kalila sent me her as I have hers in here where is it yeah no I found my god I was kidding
00:13:12
where is Kenny I have to find you have it I have to find I have Kenny I have it but you know what the funny thing is
00:13:18
about the face app is I didn't have a couple of Kenny you do yeah that looks like a
00:13:25
dude I used to party yeah well sorrows the one they just poster with I just sent you huh huh
00:13:30
this is this is a different different so this is this is version people know it no facial hair Kenny this is Kenny yeah this is serial killer oh yeah my cell
00:13:43
serial killer okay why so why is this one looks so different that's what's so unique about the app yeah yeah is that
00:13:48
you this this Kenny yeah doesn't look anything like this Kenny yeah yeah but yeah so I know this guy yes guy I know this I love Kenny yeah Kenny yeah he
00:14:03
goes he only goes to Tony Hinchcliffe shows yeah the right the left looks like he goes to that Tom Segura show this guy in the left seems like he the guy with the beard seems like he's he's just trying to be a bro a little bit too much
00:14:16
but the guy on the right he's got huge Brian read bad fit he stands outside of the Comedy Store
00:14:21
and smoke cigarettes I know and he waits to say one thing to you as you go goodbye and he's been practicing over and over but the only thing that comes
00:14:28
out he's like pizza yeah I don't like are you okay you get those a lot yeah most careless ah you get a lot of them
00:14:34
they get so [ __ ] drunk I know by the way that's sad news the store opened and now they're closed again I know cuz you
00:14:40
know the bars are officially closed again the worst is when you get offstage and somebody who goes good set right
00:14:46
thanks but you hadn't gone up yet uh hurt yeah well they just mean they like your stuff from no no no I see I've heard guys yeah those there's a lot of hanger-ons at the Comedy Store I'm sure
00:14:58
and say they say [ __ ] just that really just irritates me that's why I love what Sebastian Maniscalco does he just leaves
00:15:05
he doesn't even we don't even know he's there yeah he ghosts his way in you know he has a separate entrance you know that right I know I love that I know what
00:15:11
that I know was about is yeah he doesn't have to even see anybody he uh that's cuz he wants to go home to his family to
00:15:16
he has a he has young children I think he just wants to not get no conversation where someone goes dude cannot and he just doesn't have to he gets to avoid all that [ __ ] yeah I went
00:15:26
to a bar last night which one what the comics or no no I wanted to go to the comedy store
00:15:33
I well I want to go and support and now you can't go anymore but I really did I really made me like heartbroken that they open that bar for the patio and
00:15:38
you're like oh god we can't even go in there no I won't you just like a neighborhood bar just to have a drink to
00:15:44
get out of the house you wear a mask no yes dude you have to you're you can't even walk inside me well how did you drink you took the mast down you just pour it on your face how do you
00:15:54
do you lift it and you drink hey you put a mask so what you do is I would have known that when you go to the bar you
00:16:00
have to put a mask on you order and then when you go outside to the patio to like a beer garden where tables are we have
00:16:05
to ask you for your ID so then you have to take your right ask my ID look at my [ __ ] face a years old yeah I'm old
00:16:12
Charleston Heston yeah you look like a Charleston chew you look like a used candy bar that someone chewed up and
00:16:18
then spit out it's [ __ ] rude i charlton heston is a very very good actor I very handsome man he's dead and he's well know the image that we have of
00:16:24
him is not that he was handsome you see like you're thinking about old Charleston Heston that's why you made the joke no I meant you know the attitude of like my cold dead hands
00:16:36
that's why you'll get this gun so well I am like Charlton Heston I'm a I'm a I'm
00:16:43
a proud multiple gun owner so when I say I own guns yeah I own machine guns hmm hand guns are for [ __ ] I own I own the big ones yeah yeah come over I [ __ ]
00:16:55
it on come over and say the wrong thing wouldn't you love to have a bazooka by the way I would that's the problem I
00:17:01
would that's why RPG oh yeah what would you shoot I would shoot um just up the top of my head crows crows no I would probably shoot
00:17:16
like if you could go to the top of the Hollywood sign and you could shoot it at something where I would aim it at
00:17:21
probably toward Brentwood why I know I'll hit somebody I don't like you know well I might hit a Bel Air on the way over so that is a yeah people there
00:17:34
that'll help you boat so we were gonna say you went to the bar and then why no I went to the bar I had a couple of
00:17:40
drinks okay and then if you go with them I go out right I know I went with Sheila Sheila went out and to fiery red
00:17:53
heads don't enter our bar without making a scene did you oh I had anybody you knew mmm yes yes that's what that's what
00:18:00
I'm trying to say no someone you don't know someone that actually cuts up clips that works at a company that we've both
00:18:06
worked with before off air I'll tell you that cuts up stand-up Clips it was so crazy I ran into his weapon we said hi it was so funny was like you can't
00:18:13
really you know it's like he can't like you can't hug him you can't say hello you can't really talk about much you
00:18:19
just be like hey and then you know you kind of have a little bit of conversation but you're afraid of like I don't want I don't know it's weird it
00:18:25
was it was weird it was not even enjoyable that's what the bomber was like we had a little bit of fun but the
00:18:31
whole time in your head you're like should I not be here is this wrong am I is it stupid I mean it's open and I'm
00:18:36
nowhere near anybody we're sitting at you know you're like outside having a beer by yourself you know this whole thing I just I don't
00:18:43
know where to stand with it it's like you know it's either you know you have those it's because it's so politicized
00:18:49
that you have those that say I'll never wear a mask it's against my you know yeah constitutional rights to be free or
00:18:56
whatever and you have ones that are super paranoid like we are you know but we as in you guys yeah like my group my girlfriend I'm not super paranoid but it's it's it is a thing that's in my
00:19:06
head it's in my head but you know it's not gonna go away until we get a [ __ ] vaccinations Rudy are you scared she's the more than most scared four people ever I'm just careful
00:19:18
that's so shy what a smart phrase you're not just careful you're scared all right and she just said she's not scared
00:19:23
because she won't even let me go get if it let me sit if I when we go back right now but that's cuz kalila has told her not
00:19:29
to let you wander I can't go to a Starbucks here's why though you're a little I said it before your wild card
00:19:36
you wander you may end up somewhere that you don't belong I just got a test I just got a test back
00:19:42
Kovach test or did I not it came negative I know and I've been doing my own [ __ ] I know but but she know kalila
00:19:49
knows that if Rudy lets you get it get away with whatever that you're gonna you'll wander you know what if you start
00:19:56
talking to a square like a ronin or [ __ ] hobo yeah you are what do you wander the hobo Bobo with your little satchel you might walk on through there no I am in I have specific goals in mind
00:20:09
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00:21:11
trying to we're trying to get our murse together so we can calm the enter and enter offer code bad friends that ship
00:21:17
station calm offer code bad friends make ship happen sushi let me ask you a question Andrew yeah how do you think my asshole's so clean I don't really know cuz I used to she oh you do I do it
00:21:32
cleans everything man I don't even sometimes you use toilet paper so we have a Toshi at our home and we have one
00:21:37
here in the studio and it is so nice I gotta tell ya toilet paper is over rated man dude oh she's so great it is it's for years but days have been expensive
00:21:50
and people don't know anything about them and they're to French or foreign and you're wasting a lot of money for
00:21:55
nobody so she ate to me is so a [ __ ] affordable man it's like for $79 yeah you get a full-blown but David day and your house house yeah it's you know you don't have to fly all the way to
00:22:07
Johannah because I set mine up you know dumb I am right yes really dumb no no No and I set up my own Toshi in my own
00:22:14
house it's so easy yeah it is I put together it's embarrassing if you don't know how to put it together because it's simply laid out for you get rid of all
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the paper products in your house because you don't need them clogging up your toilet costing thousands of dollars in pipe repairs and all that and every
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customers right now have a clean but with every flush go - hello - she calm / bat friend to get 10% off that's hello - she calm / friends bad friends I go I
00:22:49
want to get Panda Express or I want to go to Trader Joe's and get you know I mean my items but I don't wander like I
00:22:56
don't go I want to go to Trader Joe's a Sephora yeah but you love Sephora why nobody loves before but I wouldn't go
00:23:03
you know I mean I want to buy a hammer right I know I go to [ __ ] Trader Joe's I know I have I trust me I know yeah so you know all I want to tell of these ladies in the house is is that I
00:23:15
want to go here just let him go but they won't let me go because they're scared right okay isn't that fine though you
00:23:22
occupy then you should move out you want to move in with me no do you want to live in my house look at me
00:23:29
you can come live with me I already told you before that I just find the energy of your house to be a little scale for me and it's restrictive it's because
00:23:41
there's not crow [ __ ] all over my house do you even have crow [ __ ] in 91 he was running around why do you get defensive
00:23:47
because you and I make fun of you my house is stale energy nest tail energy I'm just trying to cut you know I don't
00:23:53
know much about words right okay so I make things up and I try to get to the so let me just get to what I'm trying to
00:24:00
get to here's what my house feels like to you it feels clean and organized no it seems sterile office like it is an
00:24:08
office it functions as my home offices what even in the living room it's like the walls are gray or work you know me
00:24:13
well it's blue so you're not good with color are you colorblind see you're attacking me again you're attacked at
00:24:19
the light house it's a beautiful house then ended there no there's can around is that bad his candles back handles are [ __ ] everybody likes candles
00:24:31
let me just get to the point did it smell good when you walked in delicious yeah so [ __ ] come on but then I went
00:24:37
to the table and there's like not a mark on it yeah my cables in good condition and it but there's not even a mark
00:24:43
there's not even like a stain or a thing it's like all the chairs are pushed in you know I mean all the placemats are perfect it's like the [ __ ] a showroom and IKEA is this a Twilight Zone it's
00:24:55
not a Twilight Zone if there's something weird whenever I go to a place and things are perfect and things are in
00:25:01
place yeah something Bad's about to go down and what happened we ordered steak and we had a nice night and then you're left
00:25:08
saying that luckily luckily I came [ __ ] well if I'm away from it with no consequence the dungeon master was out
00:25:14
of town but if he was in town you would've been in the garage or something weird going on in the house oh no I don't want to live there yours that so
00:25:20
mean yeah you know what well you know why my stuff is all nice why because unlike you unlike you my mommy and daddy
00:25:27
didn't let me get away with everything if we [ __ ] up something we would have gotten in trouble for it you got to run amok and [ __ ] up [ __ ] Bobby don't do
00:25:34
that and you got to do it and then they're like Bobby and that's it I couldn't get away with [ __ ] up [ __ ]
00:25:40
if I Nick the table or dented up or bumped it up then I get in trouble you're a little run around loose goose
00:25:46
doing whatever you want to do [ __ ] up everything and ruin him stuff yeah interesting yeah you have no idea the
00:25:52
way I was raised mommy and daddy let you do whatever you want I'm like the way I am yeah it's because I lived in a [ __ ]
00:25:59
sweatshop what did you make that's not that it's just like every day I was either getting beat yeah or molested or
00:26:06
something but you just hear alright and my house was so clean like your house that's why you don't like it let me finish yeah okay and everything was so restrictive and you couldn't go to rooms
00:26:20
at certain times and this and that that when I left that house yeah I went the polar opposite I immediately bought a gaming console I mean I got a ADA pizza
00:26:32
in my new place Department at first apartment I ate half a peach I just threw it on the ground and left it there
00:26:37
for two weeks no it's not I had to I had to get it out you had to cleanse it I had to express myself had a real human cuz yours comes from trauma but my or my organization comes from might might
00:26:48
comes from Stepford Wives [ __ ] that I'd like it needs in commissioned it's taught by whom that by the military yes sir yes that's what I'm saying
00:26:59
there's something about you that's very military my dad had a military dad yeah and you're very like clean-cut and I you
00:27:07
know get in line you know me and this is the way it's supposed to be worse I'm what they call F are ya ye free oh
00:27:20
you're free I'm free as a bird baby are you yeah you're free as a bird when I went to your place I love everyone in
00:27:26
the house yeah I loved your little doggie thank you right almost too perfect well I sit down what what dog what dog
00:27:34
what kind of dog does is an Asian guy yeah what when an asian guy walks into any house the dog should be a little suspicious but we've trained her well no
00:27:46
she's also black you dumb she's black she is black she's black she's an East LA daughter Panthera that's her name so as asian guy walks into a house this dogs never seen
00:27:57
this asian guy sits on the couch what is this mysterious dog do what does she do
00:28:03
she sits right next to me and looks at me with googly eyes he sticks his tongue out and goes pat me
00:28:09
Yeah right and I want to look down as like I'm the you're lucky that this is the type that came in because you're mean Chong Chong from [ __ ] ketamine
00:28:19
you're the first Asian we've let into the house we only let in white and black people and we don't let in Asians you're
00:28:25
the first one I also knew that - no no that energy actually that's not true yeah Lila's been in my house before you
00:28:31
came to my house but when you guys tried to rat me out mm-hmm when I was relapsing on drugs you
00:28:36
guys try to double-team me we didn't double-team you first of all when she came over for Halloween when they were on the way to another party
00:28:42
and we talked about you because she was worried about you you guys were so you know it's so funny the reason why the reason why I got sober yeah and all this came down was because of you all right now do you
00:28:54
know that yeah have we talked about that and not on the show yeah you're the reason why I'm sober now that makes me
00:29:02
smile actually no it was sabotage it wasn't sabotage in retrospect it was a blessing in disguise I was worried at
00:29:09
the time I [ __ ] hated you that was worried about you I see this guy oh my god and then but now you know that it's in further it was for the better everything happens for a reason I believe in my
00:29:20
books but um yes so you know I'm sorry for me thank you for the invite dance around about you now let me back to grab a bite wriggle you can't live in a house it's fine no I won't live in the house
00:29:35
let me backtrack thank you so much for the invite yeah no problem although I find your place neatly kept and
00:29:43
mysterious in not in the best ways mm-hmm I really appreciate your hospitality okay I had a very delicious meal at your the table that's never been
00:29:56
used before it's good use every day just gets cleaned just it just gets cleaned uh-huh and we have a routine in our house ding
00:30:02
not a ding ding who's dinging up tables what are you hitting a table with do you put a plate down like this then you'll
00:30:09
see you know this is guys do you ever see you ever see Laura the Rings no you know I've never seen one okay so or Game of Thrones never seen one of them okay so I'm gonna teach you
00:30:20
something when Vikings right mm-hmm when Vikings my people exactly it's not your
00:30:26
people because you don't know how to ding a table so when Vikings when they when they go
00:30:32
to a village and the Horde right yeah or they are victorious in a battle right right they always make it to some sort
00:30:38
of Hall yeah a celebration a celebration Hall right and the King stands up and we
00:30:45
know here that we've victorious right yeah and everyone stands up and they go clunk clunk clunk with their little cantinas right yeah and they [ __ ] on the table to eat [ __ ] meat off the bone
00:30:57
right the leg bone right and they come over here whatever their name is right yeah flag are come over here and then they [ __ ] they'll do a wrestle and they use their tables because
00:31:08
they're full of life and they're full of expression and they're full of artistic energy is that what you do on your
00:31:14
tables we do and we see laboratory and cable okay and and your this is what you write in her time I ring the bell ding
00:31:27
ding time right and then she comes up with some sort of roast mm-hmm right with herbs in it because love your herbs a time tire of your rosemary bring it to
00:31:39
the table right and you go dark meat or white meat huh dark meat you all right and then you know somebody probably slices it with nice utensils yeah Bradley puts it on the thing yeah and if
00:31:53
let me see if a piece of meat goes onto the table it becomes a 903 Karen emergency yeah hello police yeah there's a judge that tripped on my table right
00:32:05
and I bet your money you guys do this right you probably go you know honey I'll do the dishes
00:32:11
tonight do you do that we do I just we both do it kind of we both share the it's an unspoken sometimes I do I leave
00:32:21
the [ __ ] on the table oh you make you make the women eyes to it doing I leave this [ __ ] on the table and I don't even look at anymore yeah I
00:32:28
just it's like as if it's like I throw the [ __ ] a napkin down and I just I all push the [ __ ] plate away from my body yeah and I'll just turn my body and I just leave yeah you know all I hear is
00:32:40
completely Josh and they're cleaning it right and the whole time they're going piece of [ __ ] yeah man I'm a real guy oh
00:32:47
you're a real man yeah I just said it oh you're so a real man just leave someone else to clean up their [ __ ] that's
00:32:53
what a little boy does a little [ __ ] boy goes clean up after me I'm not grown up
00:32:59
that's what a [ __ ] boy does yeah a man cleans up I do sometimes oh you food has he ever cleaned he tried last week
00:33:12
but then when I saw the plates you scrubbed and didn't really clean them you just put water on him oh you a wonderful girl yeah thank you so much
00:33:24
for saying that had your dear dear dogs freak out over the fireworks for real yeah they don't freak out they just I
00:33:31
bought my dog we had to buy my dog a your muffs no we bought her a it's called a thunder blanket do you know
00:33:37
what that is I think so thunder blanket it yeah it kind of like it Krug's him so they don't have crazy exotic is a
00:33:42
fireworks are [ __ ] insane how many people are lighting off fireworks in LA and every night we go for a walk
00:33:49
but they're saying that the government is I read this piracies theory I read government's doing it so they get us
00:33:55
conditioned to just bang noises yeah I don't think this that's we do you believe that I do you do yeah cuz I want
00:34:04
to look up the story because I read that same thing that you know this this this
00:34:09
as the government is doing this to get us used to what does it call that martial law you know where they were
00:34:15
they were that like militant or militant force look at this large-scale firework displays into the evening a week before
00:34:22
the protests still now the middle of June and every night they're still going on but you know what's so crazy about
00:34:28
this I know conspiracy theorists are fond I guess and they're goofy but most of them turn
00:34:34
out to be real Flat Earth real I know they proved it this year I know why what to the edge you have you been to the edge I've been to the edge dude of the of the earth what does it look like what
00:34:46
happens is I was in the ocean uh-huh and I was in a my ferryboat oh you're new one day the new one that I have yeah the other ones bad you know I mean and jewls been out there with me right Jules too -
00:34:57
yeah it's you know with the song that we sing is the Rochas Oh Rochelle Rochelle
00:35:03
Rochelle boat it's my ferry boat that's our favorite it's a ferry boat right so you got to
00:35:15
reroute we got to the edge and it's like Truman Show it just drops off no there's
00:35:20
a wall Oh there's a wall oh my god and what happens is that the my ferryboat right
00:35:26
hit the wall and I looked at Jules I goes I guess back to LA that was you found out the end yeah we found the end you didn't want to like figure out if there was a door or anything outside of it like he doesn't turn much oh that's
00:35:38
it yeah but um is that true Jules do you see the edge of the earth there was a beautiful at all or no it was plain it was plain much like my house just
00:35:50
like your play house and also guess what honestly you're living in my house I know but on honestly yeah I'm so proud of her
00:35:58
why because two times during this podcast already yeah she pulled the bike herself not only that she agreed right she normally would go no we didn't go on
00:36:12
a boat you know I mean now she's getting to play along yeah honestly I'm about to cry right now don't Bob don't cry I'm so proud of her dude that's it that's that dude that
00:36:24
right there he's like a gun institute's instincts who will think that she got learned from
00:36:30
you not just an Lord she just by being on podcast I think she learned just to add information or to agree right I
00:36:37
never taught her the rules of improv right they just like twice she already did that yeah yeah you're getting you're
00:36:42
getting rude he's gonna have her own podcast is gonna supersede this one are you getting more famous online now by the way she has like 14 thousand
00:36:48
followers really yeah on our Instagram is that funny that that's more than like certain people that we know I know like
00:36:55
comics who are like trying to go VidCon yeah we're trying to do it for a living I know and she doesn't care she put it posted one photo of the dogs no she put
00:37:02
there there's a photo of the know I saw this photo no she did no just shut up just give me a second also should we
00:37:09
bring it up bring it up here wait a minute what she Rudy go to bed Ruby yeah I'll show you the photo that she put up
00:37:16
this before this one there what that yeah yeah don't blush this it oh my gosh look at this one and so Rudy posted this and this is called this is called hey
00:37:29
it's me it's Rudy pay attention to me that's what the title of this is hey it's me it's Rudy pay attend
00:37:35
to me rody Rudy Rudy what are you trying to say here young lady what are you trying to say there what are you trying to say go young lady no pulse right - like you know right
00:37:49
look at me I'm a peacock for people that can't see if you're listening Rudy is trying to do one of those la model girls
00:37:56
faces and the face looks like you you're either you saw something in the distance and you're scared or you're almost about
00:38:03
to fart that's just pre fella she looks emotional there look verge of crime I need a burger prime or she's thinking
00:38:21
she loves Harry so Rudy tell us the what is that what's the what's the vibe behind this what was the reasoning both
00:38:27
of all this yes so this is so she said you said did you say I want to do a thirst trap for the Internet no she did
00:38:43
bad influence you're why I'm not gonna say his name did we talk about last week I don't know about the guy in school no there's a boy that you like yeah oh boy
00:38:58
hey so and I know who I had no real isn't screaming well out okay what I'm gonna say is that you've checked him out
00:39:04
oh yeah okay is he cute you know he looks like a young Weird Al Yankovic okay curly hair curly hair but also just you can tell that he's a funny guy he
00:39:18
looks like a young Jewish guy he does a bit in his Instagram where he goes he just runs into a locker he like jumps
00:39:24
into a locker and falls on the ground yeah you know and and so it's fun is he funny to me was funny he's cute yeah and
00:39:30
you really like this well what happened was Brody don't embarrass her but oh you've already there she she started following
00:39:39
him and he never followed her back Oh son of a bit of a [ __ ] who the [ __ ] does he wants to be a doctor and he doesn't follow you he's in follow you he's an actor and doesn't follow Rudy
00:39:51
and wants to pursue right and he doesn't realize that Rudy is more famous than him is more famous than him yeah yeah which is insane to me you still like him no ya wanted to [ __ ] so I go to the
00:40:03
girls I go that's it I'm following him and I'm gonna send him a truck message follow my [ __ ] knees back
00:40:08
no but they're like don't do it yeah that's embarassing Barris it's embarrassing but also yeah but do you do
00:40:18
you have you had run-ins with him in this over the summer now and when school is done have you talked tell him that
00:40:26
how they tell him that tell me yeah and I'm so disappointed in her reactions and
00:40:32
we were in class US history and then he said something about what are you doing for the project and then I started coughing you got nervous you get so
00:40:49
nervous that you started coughing yeah so let me yeah so um Jules what are you doing for the class you just got
00:41:00
tightened up and then did you say anything or no that's it oh she blackout complected I [ __ ] a window a black hole yeah in her mind do you think now he thinks you're a weirdo know that you
00:41:12
said that he laughed when you did that oh okay that it was cute so he gets it yeah she probably blushed coughed right
00:41:19
yeah yeah and then blacked out and he was weird you guys are weird but I wanted to tell her is that Chinese girls were weird yeah I want to know his name
00:41:37
so bad I'm not gonna say yeah we know I don't know I mean what would I would love to do is just to be listen okay
00:41:44
mmm-hmm what I would love to do is get in contact with him I wish we could call him on the show I know me too
00:41:50
I wish we could do that because you're not he graduated already right yeah so you're never gonna see him again oh he's gonna college he's going to college right you're never gonna see him again what school is he going to do you know
00:42:01
you never gonna you're not gonna and and it's also I'm gonna be honest with you I know for a fact right that one day that
00:42:10
you're gonna meet somebody so much better much more better than that guy Yeah right but I also want to be mindful
00:42:17
and know that she is a teenager mm-hmm a teenager does get crushes we've all seen
00:42:26
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00:43:51
that says why because I'm interested in using babble learning a new language is on your to-do list my friends you know
00:43:56
usually of learning a new language they say when you're past 9 years old it's very difficult is that what they say oh
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charm on enter the promo code bad friend go to babble com use the promo code on your three month subscription that's be a BB al.com promo code bad friends babble its language for life I had many
00:45:09
crushes in school do you remember your first crush we're gonna had so many of them but we did one that stood out the
00:45:16
most god I can give you I can give you the first time I realized that I liked that I liked girls like you know the
00:45:21
moment as a young boy but like you know there's always a joke is like young you super young boys are like no we go kiss
00:45:28
a girl it's like shut up dude [ __ ] good yeah and at one point I was I was with my dad and we were picking up my cousin from her birthday party at Chucky Cheese and I we walked in and I was
00:45:41
waiting for my dad to get my cousin in my aunt and I look over and dude I it's his vivid today as it's ever been it was probably was problem I was probably you know whatever 10 or 11 or
00:45:54
whatever yeah she was Mexican girl she had to been 16 17 she was a high school girl I could
00:45:59
tell and I was just a young little nerd and she was we think about her at nights yes dude she was with her little sister
00:46:05
who was probably around my age Yeah right and I look over and I saw this tall girl she was really tall and had
00:46:11
this like beautiful dark skin and she looked down I mean she smiled and I swear to God my brain was like I like
00:46:18
those things I I don't know what it was just whatever it was it clicked yeah and and it just became this like so dark you know that like dark skin dark hair yeah she was so pretty and her
00:46:31
smile looked out I mean you know when I was a kid I probably thought she was 40 but she probably was 16 and I was I was
00:46:37
10 you know when you see older kids you're like yeah what are you forty-eight you know like I'm 20 and you're like oh what
00:46:43
do you own a bank you know you have no but that was my first moment of like didn't have a crush on her but I
00:46:48
realized I was like oh man I like those there's parts of me that misses that young love when you when you like what
00:46:56
when you oh yeah when you get a crush so hard that it's just it consumes your mind yeah 24 hours a day when you get
00:47:03
nervous all the time to talk to my remember like um the fur I got it I got set up on a date with this girl our friends were like you guys need to you guys need to be a couple you need to be a couple in junior high I can't say her
00:47:16
name she was uh the first black girl I've ever dated and she was the last because they hit too hard but she was but our friend set us up our mutual
00:47:27
friend set us up and then they would call me together and it made me so nervous yeah talk to her with our other
00:47:33
friend listening yeah because I knew the whole time you're like don't sound stupid don't sound stupid don't see my thumb and you're trying to be cute like
00:47:39
you remember being on the phone with somebody until like 2:00 3:00 and then won't you tomorrow either you just stay
00:47:45
on the phone all night until you fell asleep you don't do that dude you guys don't do that stuff do you know because
00:47:50
they have text and [ __ ] Instagram and [ __ ] because for me when I was 23 I would still had that high school thing
00:47:57
because I never got girls right yeah so then I remember one time I met this girl and then I opened from Carlos Mencia in
00:48:04
San Antonio mhm and I remember him yelling at me because I used the condos phone from after the
00:48:11
show till 9:00 in the morning and the condo was next to his we could you could hear me the whole night and the whole night I'm just like yeah so what are you eating I mean oh yeah I love those yeah avocado
00:48:25
young love right do you young love one time I'm gonna tell you this story this is so sad so I was a waiter at this
00:48:32
restaurant which one it's called the Brockton Villa ooh in San Diego in La Jolla that's very nice I know I know
00:48:39
what that is it's on the cove yeah and um look fit four years and then girl that had the biggest crush on in
00:48:45
fact I hung out with her every day for about a year in fact as a friend well I did she know she didn't know about I had this big crush on her in fact I would go
00:49:01
to this coffee shop on my off days because at one time I saw her there yeah just I would stay there all day just in
00:49:08
case and then if I did but she never came in there again right but it just in case if I did run into her I'd be like
00:49:15
oh what are you doing here okay do you like coffee yeah yeah so one night and this is a year every day I would either call her or hang out with her I would ask for shifts that she was work because
00:49:27
she was right yeah so one day I go she was supposed to hang out with me and I go um what are you doing it she goes I know we were supposed to hang out but I'm sick no you're not I go oh you're
00:49:41
sick okay cool so then my other friend goes there's this party so I go to the party and then some girl came up to me she goes are you here with so-and-so she's here right because she is she had
00:49:56
lied oh no and she's with someone else yes and I'm looking all over the party for her oh it gets worse so then I hear
00:50:08
she's in this bedroom upstairs yeah I'm not kidding you and then you ain't sick you like she must be taking a
00:50:14
nap at the party yeah yeah she might be tired so I walked in why would you do that
00:50:19
she is hooking up with this guy yeah obviously so I closed the door do you say anything no you just walk in and go she saw me though yeah what are you doing and you
00:50:32
got a really nice room sure good door yeah yeah all right I never going out in back of the party and they punched a tree 50 times [Laughter]
00:50:44
cuz you were just so angry and so hurt yeah and she ended up marrying that guy oh well then it's worth they have kids oh that's worth it there huh did they name they should have named one of their kids Lea no but I remember
00:50:57
that hurts I remember still even after MADtv uh-huh cuz she'd they moved to San Francisco and she would she doesn't live lives like an outside an hour outside of San Francisco huh I remember playing the
00:51:10
room there and that she would always Drive you know I mean with her husband Oh by herself huh to come have lunch with
00:51:17
me that's really sweet sweet that's really nice yeah so it started off bad but it ended really nice I know it was
00:51:23
because that event happened right before I did stand-up yeah and I believe that that event drove me into doing stand-up really yeah there was a couple things I
00:51:35
was kicked out of a band yeah collapse and superb we've seen love you're relaxed and superb and then that
00:51:41
had happened and then also I had no money and had no future I remember sitting looking at my bank account and said like 76 cents and I remember just going I gotta call my parents for rent I
00:51:54
have no money and then I remember going I have to do something drastic or this is the life
00:52:02
I'm gonna live yeah just struggling yeah and so without and then I'm never gonna meet anybody Oh
00:52:08
cause all those feelings are feelings of doom I was 22 years old and you were scared I was scared
00:52:14
and then at 23 I walked by the comic store in La Jolla what's her name the first name I know Ana thank you Anna
00:52:20
I thank you Anna and I walked by the Comedy Store and it did help one it's on and I knocked on the door that's
00:52:28
incredible that's how it worked for you mm-hmm I'll tell you an embarrassing story that doesn't end so sweet tell me
00:52:33
my first year in college yeah a little girl two doors down who I became friends with we all became friends later but I
00:52:40
had such a crush on her I thought she was so cool she was so cool dude and she was pretty and she was nice and she was
00:52:46
athletic first name I give you mine Carrie okay it's just she was so cool yeah yeah and I was nervous I know and I stupidly stupidly yeah wrote a note one
00:53:02
night and slid it on it stop laughing Rudy I wrote a note I know it's so lame I wrote a note and I slid it under her dorm door okay did have a question yes or no no it's just no it basically was like I
00:53:15
just want to let you know you know I think you're so cool and I'd love to hang out sometime and I was so nervous
00:53:23
and she never ever told me that she got the note we never ever talked about oh poor Andrew he became friends but did
00:53:38
you ever walk by her we became really close so basically but after that she actually dated another friend of ours
00:53:44
alright but after that it was like in the past at some point we all became cool on our floor and hung out it was
00:53:50
real embarrassing yeah it's you know what like it was those real and it didn't happen moments yeah oh I didn't
00:53:55
get your note yeah she probably got it and goes I have two for me too in order for me to move on in life yeah I had to either accept this as reality or pretend
00:54:05
it didn't that's what happened I think first of all she showed it to all the other girls making fun of me all the
00:54:13
girls yeah well you know what that stupid redheaded piece of [ __ ] loser freak you know that unfuckable you know
00:54:19
what the freak said to me he thinks I'm cute they're like yeah but you know what I did to get back at some of the girls
00:54:25
that were being mean to me on the hall floor a friend of ours worked at Spencer's gifts you know Spencer's gifts in them all yeah and back and then they
00:54:32
used to sell sex toys to I don't know I don't know if they do anybody don't they did though I know they did yeah and so they used to sell sex toys and we had a
00:54:38
friend get us a bunch of sex toys so we got a bunch of big rubber dildos we used to throw them at people on campus from
00:54:44
the bridge yeah and at night your frat huh we're gonna friend no okay at night this is just me and my guy friends me an
00:54:51
idiot but at night one of the girls in the hall who was mean to me who would it would end up being friends with a girl that I liked she was just such a dick to
00:54:57
me for no reason she was doing laundry and laundry was the doors were wide open so you could hear the laundry through the halls if even if a nighted be quiet the dryer I throw a bunch of dildos in
00:55:07
the dryer and turn it on yeah so for five minutes until everyone woke up yeah and she opened up and she's like there's like five dildos inside her her laundry
00:55:20
and we all walked out like what's going on do that that's nuts but you know what
00:55:26
guys don't realize you know how like some people the guys you know like you know will snap I don't get any [ __ ] and
00:55:32
they'll snap and they'll kill them all yeah but these guys don't realize is weak none of us got any yeah when you're
00:55:39
yes that's a part of growing up is these frustrations of love loss or looking at
00:55:45
a suitable school don't know just get on the internet and feverishly masturbating that you're a college roommate doesn't
00:55:50
come home yeah did you ever I had those sket you you didn't really go to a college so like ain't never they [ __ ] you well no you
00:55:56
didn't I didn't but I had worries all the time of timing if my roommate was like going out I knew I could masturbate and he'd be like I'm gonna go to the gym
00:56:02
for a while I'm like how long's a while I'm like an hour I'm like okay and like the moment he's gone six but I didn't
00:56:10
know but I did live in my early 20s with six guys in San Diego and in a 3-bedroom
00:56:16
apartment Oh two guys to a room no people lived on the living room just spread out and yeah right and that we lived with a Christian okay with a minute weather with the man of God he
00:56:29
was he he was no no just a mint devout born-again Christian oh so he was hard-headed guy no offense no offense
00:56:36
taken and Alex and then I remember one time coming home from work and he's crying on the couch and I go what's the
00:56:44
matter and in his hand was one of my hustler Magazine's oh you pervert I know and I go and he gets up he goes how dare you lay these things around so that I
00:56:56
could sin and I go these pages are all stuck together he goes I'm masturbating [Laughter] he was also a guy and he blamed me i
00:57:13
sinning you made him masturbate but i just left it like right out in the open in the bathroom or something oh yeah i can't
00:57:21
poop without getting a boner this piece of [ __ ] too would get Sunny Delight love Sunny D sunny dis delicious
00:57:28
so good and I couldn't afford Sunday delight that's how poor I was yeah and but I was stealing Sunny Delight
00:57:35
and he came up to me excuse me um I work very hard and um you know I've been saving my money to get the Sunny Delight and I go yeah he goes and I would have really appreciated that if you um not
00:57:48
drink out of my Sunny Delight and and for me to figure out and I have a system now see this line so he would take a
00:57:55
black marker and mark every time he had a drunk he would drink and Mark it idiot idiot right because what I would do is
00:58:02
fill it with water so eventually it was just water he still doesn't want to believe it too he's just like the Sun II know like tastes watery but it still makes Sunny Delight yeah we lived in a
00:58:14
house ila I had a when I first moved out here yeah I lived in a 2-bedroom 1-bath
00:58:20
and it was three of us sharing one bathroom I lived in a old dining room a partition off dining room but my most fun too many guys house was my second year in college we all lived together
00:58:31
and we were our house was a constant revolving door of just people coming and going and partying and hanging out and there were no rules and people could
00:58:37
just do whatever they wanted that's how kind of all of those houses were in college yeah and one of my buddies this
00:58:43
was great we got kicked out of a party because one one guy in our group was trying to got into an argument or a fight with some dudes right yeah and my
00:58:51
buddy says nobody says all right let's get the [ __ ] out of here before something crazy happens we leave we get
00:58:57
in the car and we're all [ __ ] we're all shit-faced by the way badge and no drinking and driving is bad our driver
00:59:03
was sober I bet but he goes [ __ ] those guys I go yeah it's [ __ ] sucks we always party over there that sucks he
00:59:09
goes I got him good I was like what did you do and he just holds up an Eightball a pool ball he was I stole the red ball
00:59:16
from their pool table it's like why what are we gonna he goes you know how hard it is to buy one single pool ball and
00:59:22
all those [ __ ] idiots are gonna buy a whole new ball pool ball sack that was his revenge yeah will you like I was
00:59:29
like whoo laughs yeah we were like well I was like that's cool but what made you think of that in here I just saw it I
00:59:34
was I about I'll [ __ ] take from them I'm gonna take a pool ball for breath that's pretty cool don't never never
00:59:39
you're never gonna know where when this is the same guy this is my old college roommate who the same guy he was so so depressed he he's gonna listen to this he was so
00:59:50
depressed that he failed math for like the end teenth time and we were at a party and he was sitting with his butt
00:59:57
on the floor and his back against the couch and he had a handle of Jack Daniels mm-hmm sitting in his lap and I
01:00:03
go come on man you you're being really weird man you can't do this kind of stuff at a party like people are gonna be [ __ ] freaked out that like this
01:00:08
weirdos blacked out by himself as I kid up you either got to go home or you got a party with us yeah and he no [ __ ] he just goes oh and I go are you gonna
01:00:15
throw up and he goes oh and he looks up in the sky and he bought fountain throws up like a 2 3 feet in the sky but I
01:00:24
respect him he held his shirt out and he caught it in his shirt I'm not kidding witness in his shirt and he and he go he
01:00:32
goes take me outside and I have to pick him up and he's wiping puke off of his shirt and I go you are you gonna go home
01:00:38
he goes I think it's time I think it's time to go home this guy was it he was he was a the best guy to party with but also like you yeah
01:00:46
who knows what's gonna happen right who knows where it's gonna go I have a friend named Nathan I swear to god he
01:00:53
was in the Blue Man Group shut up I swear to God like the Blue Man Group wasn't it's not always the same guy I
01:00:59
know there's a million I was a million of them right yeah but he was an alcoholic Nathan right and my friend
01:01:04
kalisto tell told me and Nathan backed it up you know my friend kalisto yeah yeah so um Nathan was completely drunk in
01:01:11
Vegas doing the Blue Man Group mm-hmm and he was a blackout drunk right and he vomited into his drums but then he the
01:01:23
colors are getting out of the truck is insane speaking of my friend kalisto so meet my friend kalisto and I lived in
01:01:28
Silver Lake we had we every day with there's an El Pollo Loco across the street and we would buy a B BRC burrito what is that bean rice and cheeseburger
01:01:40
oh yeah yeah and we would split it in half and that was our meal there our dollar that was all you could afford
01:01:46
that's all we could afford for the day yeah Wow and we would have it was thinking back these arguments like like over the phone
01:01:52
bill you know how you would get enraged oh yeah he'd just be like we live a silver egg [Laughter]
01:02:09
like those kind of arguments when you're so poor yeah now it'd be like oh you know you don't even look at the 76 cent well there is no phone bill anymore I know that exist before cellphones when your the arguments of when you're so
01:02:20
poor like the arguments when you're so bright first roommate my first roommate ripped up the carpet in our house when I
01:02:26
first moved here yeah and I came home I said what the [ __ ] you doing he goes there's wood floors under here man I was
01:02:34
like what the [ __ ] we have to pay for that [ __ ] and he's like I know we'll just tell the landlord there's wood floors man and I was like yeah dude we
01:02:40
[ __ ] you ripped up the carpet he was just like well I don't know what to do and I was like I'm not paying a [ __ ]
01:02:45
security deposit I get all mine back yeah [ __ ] you I'm not paying any of that [ __ ] crazy arguments when you're yeah
01:02:51
because you're so nervous that's gonna collapse you I mean III had panic attacks that they were gonna come get my
01:02:56
car my first car that I had that I was leasing yeah I was so nervous that I wasn't gonna pay the bills that I
01:03:02
thought because I'd seen or heard of those things where they repo your car and they come just take it from you even
01:03:07
if your shits in it they're like it's ours I know so I used to have panic attacks in the middle of the night that want because I didn't pay a bill and I
01:03:12
was like they're gonna just take my [ __ ] car and then I won't be able to go to my shitty job to make my shitty
01:03:17
rent and then they'll kick me out of this place I used to have those tumbling thoughts every night every single night
01:03:23
I had emotional feelings toward objects because of the experiences yeah cuz they
01:03:31
meant so much I'm not even kidding you I had a white so when I moved to LA I hit
01:03:37
a white Toyota truck and I you know my friend Jonathan Kasich who wasn't he was a comic who I started with he asked him
01:03:45
there were no windows in the truck in the cab you're all blown out there are no windows yeah so you would be in the winter driving down you know I mean four
01:04:00
or five you'd be so cold imagine the wind yeah and I remember I would park at LAX
01:04:11
to go on the road and I'd come back right and I remember one time I came back and there was a one of those locks on the wheels oh oh they booted they
01:04:23
were do did you get money yeah that couldn't pay it no I'm not kidding you I walked up to the truck I put my hand on the hood and i weeped it's like as if
01:04:35
somebody had died because somebody did die cuz I would never see that truck again oh did you never see it again
01:04:41
no oh because I had to let it go I couldn't get it back so I remember going thank you like I remember saying it
01:04:47
things to it like thank you so much for Tia wanna remember we got in the car accident we got away with when we hit that guy we killed him and no one knows but you and me yeah and and I I remember
01:04:59
just so many experiences in that truck yep it means so much and when you're poor it means so much to you yeah yeah
01:05:06
it's well and you know what honestly yeah that's why my table at my house doesn't have any Nick's in it you want
01:05:14
me to bring the story around that's exactly why because I had so little of anything that now never I appreciate
01:05:20
what my story was is going through real-life experiences no drugs an object right I understand you bought this [ __ ] thing from Ikea I know I need it right you just do it in your house
01:05:34
you don't go [ __ ] about I picked that table very very demo what experiences oh
01:05:39
we had meals here mm-hmm yeah we've had nice conversations there when the panty broke out I cried over Italy if I walked
01:05:46
you went to your house I go here how much was that good well let's just say let's just suppose that was three grand the dinner table yeah it wasn't $3,000
01:05:54
thousand whatever it might know what is wrong hundred dollars it was like 20 grand no no I don't know I don't even
01:06:01
remember what if I gave you the 20 grand and I took a [ __ ] you know it wasn't 20 [ __ ] whatever it was and I think a
01:06:06
[ __ ] chainsaw I here's 20 grand and I [ __ ] couldn't have you would not cry no if you gave me 20 grand that's so
01:06:13
stupid I could buy 10 new tables happy America happy America the greatest country in the world be blessed God loves you I'm the best thank you for being a bad
01:06:26
friend [Music] move all of you for those you love you [Music] I begin to shock fight with my dad fight with my dad
01:07:49
fight was my day make up get drunk with my dad Oh winds up oh it's on both of you like before the
01:08:05
blow it's a whole new life [Music]