00:00:00
you two are bad these two idiots bad
00:00:10
friends I went to [ __ ] Houston and he was an MC yeah and he doesn't even
00:00:16
introduce himself to me he just goes he's a Mexican guy and he goes hey bro I go yeah he goes I'm the number-one comic
00:00:25
in Texas that's his opening line it's a big state so I go it's pretty good i won
00:00:31
you know funniest man in Texas or whatever some couple he won funniest man yeah oh yeah so I go okay any good and
00:00:38
then this is the what drives me crazy when a MC says this do done even though I'm doing here dude on my headliner bro
00:00:44
that's what in annoying I use it for they go I usually headline yeah I know what I'm doing it right now and I am so
00:00:53
I go okay so that he goes up and he does a 15-minute bit about [ __ ] old ladies as an MC that's my I do that I know
00:01:00
that's your closer that's my biggest closer I go Gladys I'm ready to give you
00:01:06
a gummy and so I go um after the show I just go dude you cuz I had a Fiat's
00:01:14
arity on or somebody feel of love her right so and she's pretty clean you know she's cheese that was I super clean this
00:01:21
is kind of like I don't want to follow that that's why I go dude a bro you know
00:01:26
the way she you know it's say or whatever I go you gotta you can't you
00:01:32
gotta clean it out yeah he goes what dude I'm a headliner bro oh you gotta be
00:01:38
so then his second show he doubles down yeah because you exactly you don't have
00:01:44
to do course she's gonna do doubles down yeah and he does a bit about like you
00:01:49
know foot [ __ ] midgets that's my other opener yeah [ __ ] midgets by the
00:02:00
way that is a funny concept I don't even know the bit but it's not yet anyway he literally gets upstage and look him
00:02:06
right in the eyes ago you're fired oh you fired him on the spot yeah do you try to fight you because you
00:02:11
can't do that like I just did I just called um Raymond you're gone I just call and I
00:02:18
can go even higher yeah you're done dude bye-bye can I can I say something two
00:02:24
things one happy fourth of July I hope everyone had a great 4th of July weekend
00:02:33
I hope everyone partied Bobby sent off fireworks and Bobby lied to me Bobby
00:02:41
said that he was in Joshua Tree and it caused a panic I said hey do we recording today well and you see I'm
00:02:47
gonna be honest I called you and I said hey dude I rented an Airbnb in Joshua
00:02:54
Tree and I just completely forgot about it and then you go you're [ __ ] kidding right you're [ __ ] kidding no
00:03:01
dude and then you go no you three 3:30 you got to be here and I go um I'm not
00:03:07
gonna make it you go and then you got you got boylee be real what you did you're not being honest about what you
00:03:13
did you're I'm a good tell if someone is bullshitting me you are not a good of an
00:03:21
actor and you sold it better than I've ever heard you sell anything why because because was it in the disaster already
00:03:27
is that why why is that why watch the new game show with rob gun Kowski and
00:03:34
robbery ok America don't make fun of my projects I want make fun of your project ok foot of my acting skills it's you're
00:03:40
not that good of an actor so what I'm saying was no but listen listen yeah you
00:03:46
got emotional on the phone and it you suck I suck I bought into it I know you did you said you go the whole family's
00:03:53
up here and jewels and and animals and and then I got worried I go [ __ ] they did maybe he took the whole family and
00:03:58
they need you okay so you suckered me with emotion I know I was not believing it until you got emotional that's called
00:04:03
acting that's not good acting you got so you got suckered into it but I couldn't see you I could only hear any matter
00:04:09
that's how good I am here a good voice actor you're a good voice actor you'd be a great voice actor in fact there's new
00:04:14
slots opening up in Hollywood that white people took of non-white roles but I'm on it first of all number one you [ __ ]
00:04:21
[ __ ] that's a show number one [ __ ] [ __ ] I'm on a Netflix show coming out of them regular on what's it called it's called
00:04:28
inside job with Mike dirty jobs then spin-off with micro no no what is it
00:04:34
about it's a bunch of but two scientists that work for the government but we're like a I don't want to get into it
00:04:40
because it's not out yet cuz you don't know what it is I do know what it is and number two I'm in a Sony movie would
00:04:48
called um wish dragon with Jackie Chan me John Cho and I want to like the
00:04:54
leaves it's a voiceover movie coming out well you also and I've also done you know I mean I was on the awesomes which
00:04:59
is a [ __ ] Hulu so [ __ ] you dude I said you're a good voice actor I can do everything no you can't do everything
00:05:05
you can't dance you're not a triple threat you can't sing or dance you can act but you can't sing or dance period
00:05:11
people like the um daddy why you die song I was because of me so you lied to
00:05:18
me about going to Airbnb and I almost I almost wanted to tax kalila to be like is this [ __ ] real because that you
00:05:25
got me that much that I was like [ __ ] Manny you guys really go in the [ __ ] desert yeah and then I know you are but
00:05:30
you are a great ass [ __ ] you no no you have to know what the [ __ ] I don't believe you I'll never believe you now I'll never believe you and also I'm
00:05:36
doing you a [ __ ] favor by being here right now okay so you're doing me a
00:05:43
favor because I we came in on an off day yeah oh thank you so much Bobby yeah you're
00:05:49
so sweet I'm sorry to interrupt your jerk-off video game sleep troll schedule
00:05:55
yeah you booger at a Booker you're a booger why because I'm yellow and slimy [Laughter]
00:06:03
you're a [ __ ] this is my month you're a good guy thank you this is my mother heart yoga guy this is
00:06:10
my month this was this was my celebratory weekend this is the fourth is the Independence of the United States of America pal you know do you even know
00:06:18
what the fourth of July I do know what what's it about it's about when Magellan came here and then Lucifer Franco the
00:06:24
boat no yes let me get it they came here from the noses of four different Gobbo right and they hit Plymouth Rock they
00:06:31
didn't hit it let me finish right yeah and then this this is a Murray boat right yeah with the other guy Columbo
00:06:39
yes right and they gave me or dude and they [ __ ] gave the Indians the blankets
00:06:44
yeah keep them all right and then Washington D came yep right Washington D
00:06:50
cape dude yeah it became our first president dude that's Ana signed a proclamation of independence dude they
00:06:56
signed a proclamation of it right and that's what happened thank you so much
00:07:03
Kristina do you know strip right do you know what fourth of July is what it means I just know that the colonies
00:07:12
were fighting the British they won so knows more than you literally knows more
00:07:19
than you yeah not born here knows more than you literally knows more than you I honestly believe you don't really know what it's about I don't why don't we set
00:07:25
off fireworks do you know what do you know I don't no idea I have no idea and you know what you're doing you're doing it right now and this is your name I'm
00:07:31
trying to revoke your Chris are you hard trying to get you out of this country I don't know won't you go back to where you came from that you like to put
00:07:38
people in shame no not you I you like the call you like to cause drama I want routine I don't shine you because
00:07:43
of how mean you are to her sometimes I want her to clap back at you well I'm so good to her at home am I not good to you at home I'm so good to her at home wait
00:07:50
can I show something of Rudy I got sent this this is so fun look at this who is
00:07:57
that Bobby who is that do you know who that is well that guy shows up every once well in my house I think he's the either
00:08:03
the gardener or so he's this guy he is sometimes ends up in the guy sometimes see in the garage so this is a member
00:08:09
this isn't the newest member of the Lee household yes people at home own this is Ramon Ramon
00:08:17
we want you to meet Ramon here Ramon Valadez he's how old is he he's about 18
00:08:24
18 or 19 in yeah yeah and he works with you guys he does work he just mysteriously appears kind of like a you
00:08:31
know a sorcerer he just pops up but it's weird I never see him and and Rudy in
00:08:37
the same room ever at the same time did you know Ramon do you know Ramon well have you ever met him no you've never
00:08:44
met Ramon yeah he's a really nice kid apparently he works kalila I was saying he's he's handy around the house he
00:08:49
fixes stuff he does big stuffs very nice he's very sweet loves to make eggs for summer he's a big egg guy the
00:08:55
big egg guy yeah why he's the dogs which is great but he likes his eggs soft scramble which is really annoying yeah
00:09:00
that's that's the new member Ramon that's Ramon and Ramon's girlfriend we have a picture of his girlfriend this is his girlfriend here yeah that's yeah
00:09:07
that's Suzie this is Suzie Suzie Lee this is Suzie Lee yeah and she I don't
00:09:15
remember her she so I know Suzie very well people say that she wanders around the house right but yeah I don't really
00:09:21
recall I don't ever see her you don't see that she's yeah no she's the aunt of
00:09:27
Ramon oh this is Ramon yeah come on she's the remote remote sod can I tell you something about her yeah very cute
00:09:33
she has to one of those little fat faces you know those little cute little fat faces yeah yeah and she's got very nice
00:09:40
pudgy little cheeks I just want to pinch her cute mind you she's 50 she is 50 years old yeah but
00:09:48
she looks really good very tight vagina though really yes Wow yes and one more
00:09:56
family member that's added to the new bad friends household this this ladies
00:10:02
and gentlemen is I'll tell you this is Sheila here's Sheila she's friends with
00:10:09
she's friends with Susie yeah Sheila is good are you a lot now you can just tell
00:10:15
by looking at this that she is a [ __ ] there's no doubt about yeah yeah she is
00:10:20
an awful [ __ ] you know the first thing comes out of her mouth what I said no tomatoes she's although she gets so mad
00:10:28
at customer service she's not a nice person yeah she for some reason she she really
00:10:33
does have a hard time just keeping it together and it could be this fiery red hair okay so let's let's be honest now
00:10:40
okie dokie the face app everybody knows this is you this is I mean I'm gonna and honestly if I was single would I [ __ ]
00:10:47
that girl would you be real you would so really yeah do you think she's she I
00:10:55
wouldn't date her I wouldn't date her no no no if I was in you know me Dayton
00:11:01
Ohio playing the funny bone or whatever and I and I should come up the show and I'm like hey
00:11:06
I really loved your performance you're so funny yeah I'd just be like yeah open your mouth
00:11:14
Sheila so okay Sheila it is she what do you think root is Sheila gross she looks
00:11:20
intimidating who's cuter Sheila or Suzie let's side-by-side it who's cuter you like Suzie you like
00:11:29
Suzie that's cuz you're racist no let me ask you something yeah if you were single yeah would you hook up with
00:11:35
Suzie if I was single okay let me be honest suzana Suzie looks like okay her face
00:11:42
this is not about you she looks like she drinks in smokes a little bit too much
00:11:48
she looks like she's been she's weathered a few storms and I bet you she'd had she'd have a fun couple of late night clubs to go to so yeah I
00:11:54
might take Suzie out am I gonna call her again no chance no the same with Sheila Suzie looks like these are
00:12:01
one-night-standers we are one as of women were these are one-night stand women you know that old racist term that
00:12:06
that Vietnam vets say $2 I know I'll [ __ ] yeah dude I let [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] is a dollar thirty she's a dollar thirty
00:12:16
fucky-fucky how much am i I mean I'm sorry how much is Sheila Sheila is she looks like a
00:12:22
[ __ ] $80 Vegas girl really yeah yeah that makes me feel yeah I'm a dollar
00:12:27
thirty [ __ ] you know what but you know what's funny when the makeup comes off for both of these girls I know right
00:12:34
yeah not good looking and Ramon by the way Ramon what's real yeah is sexy as [ __ ] Ramon
00:12:40
knows jujitsu it looks like a UH Krav Maga yeah a big Krav Maga guy dude he is
00:12:46
actually super good-looking I'm not kidding I like he is but yeah I've shown this to a few friends that listen to the
00:12:52
show yeah and they didn't know who was I know it's so yeah it's really it doesn't look like a load like you pretty it
00:12:59
doesn't look like you would so straight we did the face app we all collapsed on the ground and we laughed it's it well because it's so good and
00:13:06
then you saw and then here's kalila sent me her as I have hers in here where is it yeah no I found my god I was kidding
00:13:12
where is Kenny I have to find you have it I have to find I have Kenny I have it but you know what the funny thing is
00:13:18
about the face app is I didn't have a couple of Kenny you do yeah that looks like a
00:13:25
dude I used to party yeah well sorrows the one they just poster with I just sent you huh huh
00:13:30
this is this is a different different so this is this is version people know it
00:13:35
no facial hair Kenny this is Kenny yeah this is serial killer oh yeah my cell
00:13:43
serial killer okay why so why is this one looks so different that's what's so unique about the app yeah yeah is that
00:13:48
you this this Kenny yeah doesn't look anything like this Kenny yeah yeah but
00:13:56
yeah so I know this guy yes guy I know this I love Kenny yeah Kenny yeah he
00:14:03
goes he only goes to Tony Hinchcliffe shows yeah the right the left looks like
00:14:10
he goes to that Tom Segura show this guy in the left seems like he the guy with the beard seems like he's he's just trying to be a bro a little bit too much
00:14:16
but the guy on the right he's got huge Brian read bad fit he stands outside of the Comedy Store
00:14:21
and smoke cigarettes I know and he waits to say one thing to you as you go goodbye and he's been practicing over and over but the only thing that comes
00:14:28
out he's like pizza yeah I don't like are you okay you get those a lot yeah most careless ah you get a lot of them
00:14:34
they get so [ __ ] drunk I know by the way that's sad news the store opened and now they're closed again I know cuz you
00:14:40
know the bars are officially closed again the worst is when you get offstage and somebody who goes good set right
00:14:46
thanks but you hadn't gone up yet uh hurt yeah well they just mean they like
00:14:52
your stuff from no no no I see I've heard guys yeah those there's a lot of hanger-ons at the Comedy Store I'm sure
00:14:58
and say they say [ __ ] just that really just irritates me that's why I love what Sebastian Maniscalco does he just leaves
00:15:05
he doesn't even we don't even know he's there yeah he ghosts his way in you know he has a separate entrance you know that right I know I love that I know what
00:15:11
that I know was about is yeah he doesn't have to even see anybody he uh that's cuz he wants to go home to his family to
00:15:16
he has a he has young children I think he just wants to not get no conversation
00:15:21
where someone goes dude cannot and he just doesn't have to he gets to avoid all that [ __ ] yeah I went
00:15:26
to a bar last night which one what the comics or no no I wanted to go to the comedy store
00:15:33
I well I want to go and support and now you can't go anymore but I really did I really made me like heartbroken that they open that bar for the patio and
00:15:38
you're like oh god we can't even go in there no I won't you just like a neighborhood bar just to have a drink to
00:15:44
get out of the house you wear a mask no yes dude you have to you're you can't
00:15:49
even walk inside me well how did you drink you took the mast down you just pour it on your face how do you
00:15:54
do you lift it and you drink hey you put a mask so what you do is I would have known that when you go to the bar you
00:16:00
have to put a mask on you order and then when you go outside to the patio to like a beer garden where tables are we have
00:16:05
to ask you for your ID so then you have to take your right ask my ID look at my [ __ ] face a years old yeah I'm old
00:16:12
Charleston Heston yeah you look like a Charleston chew you look like a used candy bar that someone chewed up and
00:16:18
then spit out it's [ __ ] rude i charlton heston is a very very good actor I very handsome man he's dead and he's well know the image that we have of
00:16:24
him is not that he was handsome you see like you're thinking about old Charleston Heston that's why you made the joke no I meant you know the attitude of like my cold dead hands
00:16:36
that's why you'll get this gun so well I am like Charlton Heston I'm a I'm a I'm
00:16:43
a proud multiple gun owner so when I say I own guns yeah I own machine guns hmm
00:16:49
hand guns are for [ __ ] I own I own the big ones yeah yeah come over I [ __ ]
00:16:55
it on come over and say the wrong thing wouldn't you love to have a bazooka by the way I would that's the problem I
00:17:01
would that's why RPG oh yeah what would
00:17:06
you shoot I would shoot um just up the top of my head crows crows no I would probably shoot
00:17:16
like if you could go to the top of the Hollywood sign and you could shoot it at something where I would aim it at
00:17:21
probably toward Brentwood why I know
00:17:26
I'll hit somebody I don't like you know well I might hit a Bel Air on the way over so that is a yeah people there
00:17:34
that'll help you boat so we were gonna say you went to the bar and then why no I went to the bar I had a couple of
00:17:40
drinks okay and then if you go with them I go out right I know I went with
00:17:46
Sheila Sheila went out and to fiery red
00:17:53
heads don't enter our bar without making a scene did you oh I had anybody you knew mmm yes yes that's what that's what
00:18:00
I'm trying to say no someone you don't know someone that actually cuts up clips that works at a company that we've both
00:18:06
worked with before off air I'll tell you that cuts up stand-up Clips it was so crazy I ran into his weapon we said hi it was so funny was like you can't
00:18:13
really you know it's like he can't like you can't hug him you can't say hello you can't really talk about much you
00:18:19
just be like hey and then you know you kind of have a little bit of conversation but you're afraid of like I don't want I don't know it's weird it
00:18:25
was it was weird it was not even enjoyable that's what the bomber was like we had a little bit of fun but the
00:18:31
whole time in your head you're like should I not be here is this wrong am I is it stupid I mean it's open and I'm
00:18:36
nowhere near anybody we're sitting at you know you're like outside having a beer by yourself you know this whole thing I just I don't
00:18:43
know where to stand with it it's like you know it's either you know you have those it's because it's so politicized
00:18:49
that you have those that say I'll never wear a mask it's against my you know yeah constitutional rights to be free or
00:18:56
whatever and you have ones that are super paranoid like we are you know but
00:19:01
we as in you guys yeah like my group my girlfriend I'm not super paranoid but it's it's it is a thing that's in my
00:19:06
head it's in my head but you know it's not gonna go away until we get a [ __ ]
00:19:12
vaccinations Rudy are you scared she's the more than most scared four people ever I'm just careful
00:19:18
that's so shy what a smart phrase you're not just careful you're scared all right and she just said she's not scared
00:19:23
because she won't even let me go get if it let me sit if I when we go back right now but that's cuz kalila has told her not
00:19:29
to let you wander I can't go to a Starbucks here's why though you're a little I said it before your wild card
00:19:36
you wander you may end up somewhere that you don't belong I just got a test I just got a test back
00:19:42
Kovach test or did I not it came negative I know and I've been doing my own [ __ ] I know but but she know kalila
00:19:49
knows that if Rudy lets you get it get away with whatever that you're gonna you'll wander you know what if you start
00:19:56
talking to a square like a ronin or [ __ ] hobo yeah you are what do you
00:20:01
wander the hobo Bobo with your little satchel you might walk on through there no I am in I have specific goals in mind
00:20:09
when I go out chef's station as folks adapt to this changing world we're all
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00:20:46
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sure your business is ready you ship station in our own personal business here yeah no we do yeah use it we're
00:21:11
trying to we're trying to get our murse together so we can calm the enter and enter offer code bad friends that ship
00:21:17
station calm offer code bad friends make ship happen sushi let me ask you a
00:21:25
question Andrew yeah how do you think my asshole's so clean I don't really know cuz I used to she oh you do I do it
00:21:32
cleans everything man I don't even sometimes you use toilet paper so we have a Toshi at our home and we have one
00:21:37
here in the studio and it is so nice I gotta tell ya toilet paper is over rated
00:21:44
man dude oh she's so great it is it's for years but days have been expensive
00:21:50
and people don't know anything about them and they're to French or foreign and you're wasting a lot of money for
00:21:55
nobody so she ate to me is so a [ __ ] affordable man it's like for $79 yeah
00:22:01
you get a full-blown but David day and your house house yeah it's you know you don't have to fly all the way to
00:22:07
Johannah because I set mine up you know dumb I am right yes really dumb no no No and I set up my own Toshi in my own
00:22:14
house it's so easy yeah it is I put together it's embarrassing if you don't know how to put it together because it's simply laid out for you get rid of all
00:22:20
the paper products in your house because you don't need them clogging up your toilet costing thousands of dollars in pipe repairs and all that and every
00:22:27
hello to see attachment comes with a 60-day risk free guarantee and a 12
00:22:32
month warranty all year a whole year join millions of happy hello Toshi
00:22:38
customers right now have a clean but with every flush go - hello - she calm /
00:22:43
bat friend to get 10% off that's hello - she calm / friends bad friends I go I
00:22:49
want to get Panda Express or I want to go to Trader Joe's and get you know I mean my items but I don't wander like I
00:22:56
don't go I want to go to Trader Joe's a Sephora yeah but you love Sephora why nobody loves before but I wouldn't go
00:23:03
you know I mean I want to buy a hammer right I know I go to [ __ ] Trader
00:23:09
Joe's I know I have I trust me I know yeah so you know all I want to tell of these ladies in the house is is that I
00:23:15
want to go here just let him go but they won't let me go because they're scared right okay isn't that fine though you
00:23:22
occupy then you should move out you want to move in with me no do you want to live in my house look at me
00:23:29
you can come live with me I already told you before that I just find the energy
00:23:35
of your house to be a little scale for me and it's restrictive it's because
00:23:41
there's not crow [ __ ] all over my house do you even have crow [ __ ] in 91 he was running around why do you get defensive
00:23:47
because you and I make fun of you my house is stale energy nest tail energy I'm just trying to cut you know I don't
00:23:53
know much about words right okay so I make things up and I try to get to the so let me just get to what I'm trying to
00:24:00
get to here's what my house feels like to you it feels clean and organized no it seems sterile office like it is an
00:24:08
office it functions as my home offices what even in the living room it's like the walls are gray or work you know me
00:24:13
well it's blue so you're not good with color are you colorblind see you're attacking me again you're attacked at
00:24:19
the light house it's a beautiful house then ended there no there's can
00:24:25
around is that bad his candles back handles are [ __ ] everybody likes candles
00:24:31
let me just get to the point did it smell good when you walked in delicious yeah so [ __ ] come on but then I went
00:24:37
to the table and there's like not a mark on it yeah my cables in good condition and it but there's not even a mark
00:24:43
there's not even like a stain or a thing it's like all the chairs are pushed in
00:24:48
you know I mean all the placemats are perfect it's like the [ __ ] a showroom and IKEA is this a Twilight Zone it's
00:24:55
not a Twilight Zone if there's something weird whenever I go to a place and things are perfect and things are in
00:25:01
place yeah something Bad's about to go down and what happened we ordered steak and we had a nice night and then you're left
00:25:08
saying that luckily luckily I came [ __ ] well if I'm away from it with no consequence the dungeon master was out
00:25:14
of town but if he was in town you would've been in the garage or something weird going on in the house oh no I don't want to live there yours that so
00:25:20
mean yeah you know what well you know why my stuff is all nice why because unlike you unlike you my mommy and daddy
00:25:27
didn't let me get away with everything if we [ __ ] up something we would have gotten in trouble for it you got to run amok and [ __ ] up [ __ ] Bobby don't do
00:25:34
that and you got to do it and then they're like Bobby and that's it I couldn't get away with [ __ ] up [ __ ]
00:25:40
if I Nick the table or dented up or bumped it up then I get in trouble you're a little run around loose goose
00:25:46
doing whatever you want to do [ __ ] up everything and ruin him stuff yeah interesting yeah you have no idea the
00:25:52
way I was raised mommy and daddy let you do whatever you want I'm like the way I am yeah it's because I lived in a [ __ ]
00:25:59
sweatshop what did you make that's not that it's just like every day I was either getting beat yeah or molested or
00:26:06
something but you just hear alright and my house was so clean like your house
00:26:13
that's why you don't like it let me finish yeah okay and everything was so restrictive and you couldn't go to rooms
00:26:20
at certain times and this and that that when I left that house yeah I went the
00:26:26
polar opposite I immediately bought a gaming console I mean I got a ADA pizza
00:26:32
in my new place Department at first apartment I ate half a peach I just threw it on the ground and left it there
00:26:37
for two weeks no it's not I had to I had to get it out you had to cleanse it
00:26:42
I had to express myself had a real human cuz yours comes from trauma but my or my organization comes from might might
00:26:48
comes from Stepford Wives [ __ ] that I'd like it needs in commissioned it's
00:26:53
taught by whom that by the military yes sir yes that's what I'm saying
00:26:59
there's something about you that's very military my dad had a military dad yeah and you're very like clean-cut and I you
00:27:07
know get in line you know me and this is the way it's supposed to be worse I'm what they call F are ya ye free oh
00:27:20
you're free I'm free as a bird baby are you yeah you're free as a bird when I went to your place I love everyone in
00:27:26
the house yeah I loved your little doggie thank you right almost too perfect well I sit down what what dog what dog
00:27:34
what kind of dog does is an Asian guy yeah what when an asian guy walks into
00:27:41
any house the dog should be a little suspicious but we've trained her well no
00:27:46
she's also black you dumb she's black she is black she's black she's an East
00:27:51
LA daughter Panthera that's her name so as asian guy walks into a house this dogs never seen
00:27:57
this asian guy sits on the couch what is this mysterious dog do what does she do
00:28:03
she sits right next to me and looks at me with googly eyes he sticks his tongue out and goes pat me
00:28:09
Yeah right and I want to look down as like I'm the you're lucky that this is
00:28:14
the type that came in because you're mean Chong Chong from [ __ ] ketamine
00:28:19
you're the first Asian we've let into the house we only let in white and black people and we don't let in Asians you're
00:28:25
the first one I also knew that - no no that energy actually that's not true yeah Lila's been in my house before you
00:28:31
came to my house but when you guys tried to rat me out mm-hmm when I was relapsing on drugs you
00:28:36
guys try to double-team me we didn't double-team you first of all when she came over for Halloween when they were on the way to another party
00:28:42
and we talked about you because she was worried about you you guys were so you
00:28:48
know it's so funny the reason why the reason why I got sober yeah and all this came down was because of you all right now do you
00:28:54
know that yeah have we talked about that and not on the show yeah you're the reason why I'm sober now that makes me
00:29:02
smile actually no it was sabotage it wasn't sabotage in retrospect it was a blessing in disguise I was worried at
00:29:09
the time I [ __ ] hated you that was worried about you I see this guy oh my god
00:29:14
and then but now you know that it's in further it was for the better everything happens for a reason I believe in my
00:29:20
books but um yes so you know I'm sorry for me thank you for the invite dance
00:29:30
around about you now let me back to grab a bite wriggle you can't live in a house it's fine no I won't live in the house
00:29:35
let me backtrack thank you so much for the invite yeah no problem although I find your place neatly kept and
00:29:43
mysterious in not in the best ways mm-hmm I really appreciate your
00:29:50
hospitality okay I had a very delicious meal at your the table that's never been
00:29:56
used before it's good use every day just gets cleaned just it just gets cleaned uh-huh and we have a routine in our house ding
00:30:02
not a ding ding who's dinging up tables what are you hitting a table with do you put a plate down like this then you'll
00:30:09
see you know this is guys do you ever see you ever see Laura the Rings
00:30:14
no you know I've never seen one okay so or Game of Thrones never seen one of them okay so I'm gonna teach you
00:30:20
something when Vikings right mm-hmm when Vikings my people exactly it's not your
00:30:26
people because you don't know how to ding a table so when Vikings when they when they go
00:30:32
to a village and the Horde right yeah or they are victorious in a battle right right they always make it to some sort
00:30:38
of Hall yeah a celebration a celebration Hall right and the King stands up and we
00:30:45
know here that we've victorious right yeah and everyone stands up and they go
00:30:50
clunk clunk clunk with their little cantinas right yeah and they [ __ ] on the table to eat [ __ ] meat off the bone
00:30:57
right the leg bone right and they come over here whatever their name is
00:31:02
right yeah flag are come over here and then they [ __ ] they'll do a wrestle and they use their tables because
00:31:08
they're full of life and they're full of expression and they're full of artistic energy is that what you do on your
00:31:14
tables we do and we see laboratory and cable okay and and your this is what you
00:31:21
write in her time I ring the bell ding
00:31:27
ding time right and then she comes up with some sort of roast mm-hmm right
00:31:33
with herbs in it because love your herbs a time tire of your rosemary bring it to
00:31:39
the table right and you go dark meat or white meat huh dark meat you all right
00:31:46
and then you know somebody probably slices it with nice utensils yeah Bradley puts it on the thing yeah and if
00:31:53
let me see if a piece of meat goes onto the table it becomes a 903 Karen
00:32:00
emergency yeah hello police yeah there's a judge that tripped on my table right
00:32:05
and I bet your money you guys do this right you probably go you know honey I'll do the dishes
00:32:11
tonight do you do that we do I just we
00:32:16
both do it kind of we both share the it's an unspoken sometimes I do I leave
00:32:21
the [ __ ] on the table oh you make you make the women eyes to it doing I leave this [ __ ] on the table and I don't even look at anymore yeah I
00:32:28
just it's like as if it's like I throw the [ __ ] a napkin down and I just I
00:32:33
all push the [ __ ] plate away from my body yeah and I'll just turn my body and I just leave yeah you know all I hear is
00:32:40
completely Josh and they're cleaning it right and the whole time they're going piece of [ __ ] yeah man I'm a real guy oh
00:32:47
you're a real man yeah I just said it oh you're so a real man just leave someone else to clean up their [ __ ] that's
00:32:53
what a little boy does a little [ __ ] boy goes clean up after me I'm not grown up
00:32:59
that's what a [ __ ] boy does yeah a man cleans up I do sometimes
00:33:05
oh you food has he ever cleaned he tried last week
00:33:12
but then when I saw the plates you scrubbed and didn't really clean them
00:33:18
you just put water on him oh you a wonderful girl yeah thank you so much
00:33:24
for saying that had your dear dear dogs freak out over the fireworks for real yeah they don't freak out they just I
00:33:31
bought my dog we had to buy my dog a your muffs no we bought her a it's called a thunder blanket do you know
00:33:37
what that is I think so thunder blanket it yeah it kind of like it Krug's him so they don't have crazy exotic is a
00:33:42
fireworks are [ __ ] insane how many people are lighting off fireworks in LA and every night we go for a walk
00:33:49
but they're saying that the government is I read this piracies theory I read government's doing it so they get us
00:33:55
conditioned to just bang noises yeah I don't think this that's we do you believe that I do you do yeah cuz I want
00:34:04
to look up the story because I read that same thing that you know this this this
00:34:09
as the government is doing this to get us used to what does it call that martial law you know where they were
00:34:15
they were that like militant or militant force look at this large-scale firework displays into the evening a week before
00:34:22
the protests still now the middle of June and every night they're still going on but you know what's so crazy about
00:34:28
this I know conspiracy theorists are fond I guess and they're goofy but most of them turn
00:34:34
out to be real Flat Earth real I know they proved it this year I know why what
00:34:40
to the edge you have you been to the edge I've been to the edge dude of the of the earth what does it look like what
00:34:46
happens is I was in the ocean uh-huh and I was in a my ferryboat oh you're new
00:34:51
one day the new one that I have yeah the other ones bad you know I mean and jewls been out there with me right Jules too -
00:34:57
yeah it's you know with the song that we sing is the Rochas Oh Rochelle Rochelle
00:35:03
Rochelle boat it's my ferry boat that's
00:35:08
our favorite it's a ferry boat right so you got to
00:35:15
reroute we got to the edge and it's like Truman Show it just drops off no there's
00:35:20
a wall Oh there's a wall oh my god and what happens is that the my ferryboat right
00:35:26
hit the wall and I looked at Jules I goes I guess back to LA that was you
00:35:31
found out the end yeah we found the end you didn't want to like figure out if there was a door or anything outside of it like he doesn't turn much oh that's
00:35:38
it yeah but um is that true Jules do you see the edge of the earth there was a
00:35:43
beautiful at all or no it was plain it was plain much like my house just
00:35:50
like your play house and also guess what honestly you're living in my house I know but on honestly yeah I'm so proud of her
00:35:58
why because two times during this podcast already yeah she pulled the bike
00:36:03
herself not only that she agreed right she normally would go no we didn't go on
00:36:12
a boat you know I mean now she's getting to play along
00:36:17
yeah honestly I'm about to cry right now don't Bob don't cry I'm so proud of her dude that's it that's that dude that
00:36:24
right there he's like a gun institute's instincts who will think that she got learned from
00:36:30
you not just an Lord she just by being on podcast I think she learned just to add information or to agree right I
00:36:37
never taught her the rules of improv right they just like twice she already did that yeah yeah you're getting you're
00:36:42
getting rude he's gonna have her own podcast is gonna supersede this one are you getting more famous online now by the way she has like 14 thousand
00:36:48
followers really yeah on our Instagram is that funny that that's more than like certain people that we know I know like
00:36:55
comics who are like trying to go VidCon yeah we're trying to do it for a living I know and she doesn't care she put it posted one photo of the dogs no she put
00:37:02
there there's a photo of the know I saw this photo no she did no just shut up just give me a second also should we
00:37:09
bring it up bring it up here wait a minute what she Rudy go to bed Ruby yeah I'll show you the photo that she put up
00:37:16
this before this one there what that yeah yeah don't blush this it oh my gosh
00:37:23
look at this one and so Rudy posted this and this is called this is called hey
00:37:29
it's me it's Rudy pay attention to me that's what the title of this is hey it's me it's Rudy pay attend
00:37:35
to me rody Rudy Rudy what are you trying to say here young lady what are you
00:37:41
trying to say there what are you trying to say go young lady no pulse right - like you know right
00:37:49
look at me I'm a peacock for people that can't see if you're listening Rudy is trying to do one of those la model girls
00:37:56
faces and the face looks like you you're either you saw something in the distance and you're scared or you're almost about
00:38:03
to fart that's just pre fella she looks emotional there look verge of crime I
00:38:16
need a burger prime or she's thinking
00:38:21
she loves Harry so Rudy tell us the what is that what's the what's the vibe behind this what was the reasoning both
00:38:27
of all this yes so this is so she said
00:38:37
you said did you say I want to do a thirst trap for the Internet no she did
00:38:43
bad influence you're why I'm not gonna say his name did we talk about last week
00:38:50
I don't know about the guy in school no there's a boy that you like yeah oh boy
00:38:58
hey so and I know who I had no real isn't screaming well out okay what I'm gonna say is that you've checked him out
00:39:04
oh yeah okay is he cute you know he looks like a young Weird Al Yankovic
00:39:11
okay curly hair curly hair but also just you can tell that he's a funny guy he
00:39:18
looks like a young Jewish guy he does a bit in his Instagram where he goes he just runs into a locker he like jumps
00:39:24
into a locker and falls on the ground yeah you know and and so it's fun is he funny to me was funny he's cute yeah and
00:39:30
you really like this well what happened was Brody don't embarrass her but oh you've already there she she started following
00:39:39
him and he never followed her back Oh son of a bit of a [ __ ] who the [ __ ]
00:39:45
does he wants to be a doctor and he doesn't follow you he's in follow you he's an actor and doesn't follow Rudy
00:39:51
and wants to pursue right and he doesn't realize that Rudy is more famous than
00:39:56
him is more famous than him yeah yeah which is insane to me you still like him no ya wanted to [ __ ] so I go to the
00:40:03
girls I go that's it I'm following him and I'm gonna send him a truck message follow my [ __ ] knees back
00:40:08
no but they're like don't do it yeah that's embarassing Barris it's embarrassing but also yeah but do you do
00:40:18
you have you had run-ins with him in this over the summer now and when school is done have you talked tell him that
00:40:26
how they tell him that tell me yeah and I'm so disappointed in her reactions and
00:40:32
we were in class US history and then he said something about what are you doing
00:40:39
for the project and then I started coughing you got nervous you get so
00:40:49
nervous that you started coughing yeah so let me yeah so um Jules what are you doing for the class you just got
00:41:00
tightened up and then did you say anything or no that's it oh she blackout
00:41:06
complected I [ __ ] a window a black hole yeah in her mind do you think now he thinks you're a weirdo know that you
00:41:12
said that he laughed when you did that oh okay that it was cute so he gets it yeah she probably blushed coughed right
00:41:19
yeah yeah and then blacked out and he was weird you guys are weird but I
00:41:31
wanted to tell her is that Chinese girls were weird yeah I want to know his name
00:41:37
so bad I'm not gonna say yeah we know I don't know I mean what would I would love to do is just to be listen okay
00:41:44
mmm-hmm what I would love to do is get in contact with him I wish we could call him on the show I know me too
00:41:50
I wish we could do that because you're not he graduated already right yeah so
00:41:55
you're never gonna see him again oh he's gonna college he's going to college right you're never gonna see him again what school is he going to do you know
00:42:01
you never gonna you're not gonna and and it's also I'm gonna be honest with you I know for a fact right that one day that
00:42:10
you're gonna meet somebody so much better much more better than that guy Yeah right but I also want to be mindful
00:42:17
and know that she is a teenager mm-hmm a teenager does get crushes we've all seen
00:42:26
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00:43:44
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00:43:51
that says why because I'm interested in using babble learning a new language is on your to-do list my friends you know
00:43:56
usually of learning a new language they say when you're past 9 years old it's very difficult is that what they say oh
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your three month subscription that's be a BB al.com promo code bad friends babble its language for life I had many
00:45:09
crushes in school do you remember your first crush we're gonna had so many of them but we did one that stood out the
00:45:16
most god I can give you I can give you the first time I realized that I liked that I liked girls like you know the
00:45:21
moment as a young boy but like you know there's always a joke is like young you super young boys are like no we go kiss
00:45:28
a girl it's like shut up dude [ __ ] good yeah and at one point I was I was
00:45:33
with my dad and we were picking up my cousin from her birthday party at Chucky Cheese and I we walked in and I was
00:45:41
waiting for my dad to get my cousin in my aunt and I look over and dude I
00:45:46
it's his vivid today as it's ever been it was probably was problem I was probably you know whatever 10 or 11 or
00:45:54
whatever yeah she was Mexican girl she had to been 16 17 she was a high school girl I could
00:45:59
tell and I was just a young little nerd and she was we think about her at nights yes dude she was with her little sister
00:46:05
who was probably around my age Yeah right and I look over and I saw this tall girl she was really tall and had
00:46:11
this like beautiful dark skin and she looked down I mean she smiled and I swear to God my brain was like I like
00:46:18
those things I I don't know what it was just whatever it was it clicked yeah
00:46:25
and and it just became this like so dark you know that like dark skin dark hair yeah she was so pretty and her
00:46:31
smile looked out I mean you know when I was a kid I probably thought she was 40 but she probably was 16 and I was I was
00:46:37
10 you know when you see older kids you're like yeah what are you forty-eight you know like I'm 20 and you're like oh what
00:46:43
do you own a bank you know you have no but that was my first moment of like didn't have a crush on her but I
00:46:48
realized I was like oh man I like those there's parts of me that misses that young love when you when you like what
00:46:56
when you oh yeah when you get a crush so hard that it's just it consumes your mind yeah 24 hours a day when you get
00:47:03
nervous all the time to talk to my remember like um the fur I got it I got
00:47:09
set up on a date with this girl our friends were like you guys need to you guys need to be a couple you need to be a couple in junior high I can't say her
00:47:16
name she was uh the first black girl I've ever dated and she was the last
00:47:21
because they hit too hard but she was but our friend set us up our mutual
00:47:27
friend set us up and then they would call me together and it made me so nervous yeah talk to her with our other
00:47:33
friend listening yeah because I knew the whole time you're like don't sound stupid don't sound stupid don't see my thumb and you're trying to be cute like
00:47:39
you remember being on the phone with somebody until like 2:00 3:00 and then won't you tomorrow either you just stay
00:47:45
on the phone all night until you fell asleep you don't do that dude you guys don't do that stuff do you know because
00:47:50
they have text and [ __ ] Instagram and [ __ ] because for me when I was 23 I would still had that high school thing
00:47:57
because I never got girls right yeah so then I remember one time I met this girl and then I opened from Carlos Mencia in
00:48:04
San Antonio mhm and I remember him yelling at me because I used the condos phone from after the
00:48:11
show till 9:00 in the morning and the condo was next to his we could
00:48:16
you could hear me the whole night and the whole night I'm just like yeah so what are you eating I mean oh yeah I love those yeah avocado
00:48:25
young love right do you young love one time I'm gonna tell you this story this is so sad so I was a waiter at this
00:48:32
restaurant which one it's called the Brockton Villa ooh in San Diego in La Jolla that's very nice I know I know
00:48:39
what that is it's on the cove yeah and um look fit four years and then girl that had the biggest crush on in
00:48:45
fact I hung out with her every day for about a year in fact as a friend well I
00:48:54
did she know she didn't know about I had this big crush on her in fact I would go
00:49:01
to this coffee shop on my off days because at one time I saw her there yeah just I would stay there all day just in
00:49:08
case and then if I did but she never came in there again right but it just in case if I did run into her I'd be like
00:49:15
oh what are you doing here okay do you like coffee yeah yeah so one night and
00:49:20
this is a year every day I would either call her or hang out with her I would ask for shifts that she was work because
00:49:27
she was right yeah so one day I go she was supposed to hang out with me and I
00:49:32
go um what are you doing it she goes I know we were supposed to hang out but I'm sick no you're not I go oh you're
00:49:41
sick okay cool so then my other friend goes there's this party so I go to the
00:49:47
party and then some girl came up to me she goes are you here with so-and-so she's here right because she is she had
00:49:56
lied oh no and she's with someone else yes and I'm looking all over the party
00:50:02
for her oh it gets worse so then I hear
00:50:08
she's in this bedroom upstairs yeah I'm not kidding you and then you ain't sick you like she must be taking a
00:50:14
nap at the party yeah yeah she might be tired so I walked in why would you do that
00:50:19
she is hooking up with this guy yeah obviously so I closed the door do you
00:50:26
say anything no you just walk in and go she saw me though yeah what are you doing and you
00:50:32
got a really nice room sure good door yeah yeah all right I never going out in
00:50:38
back of the party and they punched a tree 50 times [Laughter]
00:50:44
cuz you were just so angry and so hurt yeah and she ended up marrying that guy
00:50:50
oh well then it's worth they have kids oh that's worth it there huh did they name they should have named one of their kids Lea no but I remember
00:50:57
that hurts I remember still even after MADtv uh-huh cuz she'd they moved to San
00:51:03
Francisco and she would she doesn't live lives like an outside an hour outside of San Francisco huh I remember playing the
00:51:10
room there and that she would always Drive you know I mean with her husband Oh by herself huh to come have lunch with
00:51:17
me that's really sweet sweet that's really nice yeah so it started off bad but it ended really nice I know it was
00:51:23
because that event happened right before I did stand-up yeah and I believe that
00:51:29
that event drove me into doing stand-up really yeah there was a couple things I
00:51:35
was kicked out of a band yeah collapse and superb we've seen love you're relaxed and superb and then that
00:51:41
had happened and then also I had no money and had no future I remember
00:51:46
sitting looking at my bank account and said like 76 cents and I remember just going I gotta call my parents for rent I
00:51:54
have no money and then I remember going I have to do something drastic or this is the life
00:52:02
I'm gonna live yeah just struggling yeah and so without and then I'm never gonna meet anybody Oh
00:52:08
cause all those feelings are feelings of doom I was 22 years old and you were scared I was scared
00:52:14
and then at 23 I walked by the comic store in La Jolla what's her name the first name I know Ana thank you Anna
00:52:20
I thank you Anna and I walked by the Comedy Store and it did help one it's on and I knocked on the door that's
00:52:28
incredible that's how it worked for you mm-hmm I'll tell you an embarrassing story that doesn't end so sweet tell me
00:52:33
my first year in college yeah a little girl two doors down who I became friends with we all became friends later but I
00:52:40
had such a crush on her I thought she was so cool she was so cool dude and she was pretty and she was nice and she was
00:52:46
athletic first name I give you mine Carrie okay it's just she was so cool
00:52:55
yeah yeah and I was nervous I know and I stupidly stupidly yeah wrote a note one
00:53:02
night and slid it on it stop laughing Rudy I wrote a note I know it's so lame
00:53:08
I wrote a note and I slid it under her dorm door okay did have a question yes or no no it's just no it basically was like I
00:53:15
just want to let you know you know I think you're so cool and I'd love to hang out sometime and I was so nervous
00:53:23
and she never ever told me that she got
00:53:29
the note we never ever talked about oh poor Andrew he became friends but did
00:53:38
you ever walk by her we became really close so basically but after that she actually dated another friend of ours
00:53:44
alright but after that it was like in the past at some point we all became cool on our floor and hung out it was
00:53:50
real embarrassing yeah it's you know what like it was those real and it didn't happen moments yeah oh I didn't
00:53:55
get your note yeah she probably got it and goes I have two for me too in order
00:54:00
for me to move on in life yeah I had to either accept this as reality or pretend
00:54:05
it didn't that's what happened I think first of all she showed it to all the other girls making fun of me all the
00:54:13
girls yeah well you know what that stupid redheaded piece of [ __ ] loser freak you know that unfuckable you know
00:54:19
what the freak said to me he thinks I'm cute they're like yeah but you know what I did to get back at some of the girls
00:54:25
that were being mean to me on the hall floor a friend of ours worked at Spencer's gifts you know Spencer's gifts in them all yeah and back and then they
00:54:32
used to sell sex toys to I don't know I don't know if they do anybody don't they did though I know they did yeah and so they used to sell sex toys and we had a
00:54:38
friend get us a bunch of sex toys so we got a bunch of big rubber dildos we used to throw them at people on campus from
00:54:44
the bridge yeah and at night your frat huh we're gonna friend no okay at night this is just me and my guy friends me an
00:54:51
idiot but at night one of the girls in the hall who was mean to me who would it would end up being friends with a girl that I liked she was just such a dick to
00:54:57
me for no reason she was doing laundry and laundry was the doors were wide open
00:55:02
so you could hear the laundry through the halls if even if a nighted be quiet the dryer I throw a bunch of dildos in
00:55:07
the dryer and turn it on yeah so for five minutes until everyone woke up yeah
00:55:15
and she opened up and she's like there's like five dildos inside her her laundry
00:55:20
and we all walked out like what's going on do that that's nuts but you know what
00:55:26
guys don't realize you know how like some people the guys you know like you know will snap I don't get any [ __ ] and
00:55:32
they'll snap and they'll kill them all yeah but these guys don't realize is weak none of us got any yeah when you're
00:55:39
yes that's a part of growing up is these frustrations of love loss or looking at
00:55:45
a suitable school don't know just get on the internet and feverishly masturbating that you're a college roommate doesn't
00:55:50
come home yeah did you ever I had those sket you you didn't really go to a college so like ain't never they [ __ ] you well no you
00:55:56
didn't I didn't but I had worries all the time of timing if my roommate was like going out I knew I could masturbate and he'd be like I'm gonna go to the gym
00:56:02
for a while I'm like how long's a while I'm like an hour I'm like okay and like the moment he's gone six but I didn't
00:56:10
know but I did live in my early 20s with six guys in San Diego and in a 3-bedroom
00:56:16
apartment Oh two guys to a room no people lived on the living room just
00:56:22
spread out and yeah right and that we lived with a Christian okay with a minute weather with the man of God he
00:56:29
was he he was no no just a mint devout born-again Christian oh so he was hard-headed guy no offense no offense
00:56:36
taken and Alex and then I remember one time coming home from work and he's crying on the couch and I go what's the
00:56:44
matter and in his hand was one of my hustler Magazine's oh you pervert I know
00:56:49
and I go and he gets up he goes how dare you lay these things around so that I
00:56:56
could sin and I go these pages are all stuck together he goes I'm masturbating
00:57:05
[Laughter] he was also a guy and he blamed me i
00:57:13
sinning you made him masturbate but i just left it like right out in the open in the bathroom or something oh yeah i can't
00:57:21
poop without getting a boner this piece of [ __ ] too would get Sunny Delight love Sunny D sunny dis delicious
00:57:28
so good and I couldn't afford Sunday delight that's how poor I was yeah and but I was stealing Sunny Delight
00:57:35
and he came up to me excuse me um I work very hard and um you know I've been
00:57:42
saving my money to get the Sunny Delight and I go yeah he goes and I would have really appreciated that if you um not
00:57:48
drink out of my Sunny Delight and and for me to figure out and I have a system now see this line so he would take a
00:57:55
black marker and mark every time he had a drunk he would drink and Mark it idiot idiot right because what I would do is
00:58:02
fill it with water so eventually it was just water he still doesn't want to
00:58:09
believe it too he's just like the Sun II know like tastes watery but it still makes Sunny Delight yeah we lived in a
00:58:14
house ila I had a when I first moved out here yeah I lived in a 2-bedroom 1-bath
00:58:20
and it was three of us sharing one bathroom I lived in a old dining room a
00:58:25
partition off dining room but my most fun too many guys house was my second year in college we all lived together
00:58:31
and we were our house was a constant revolving door of just people coming and going and partying and hanging out and there were no rules and people could
00:58:37
just do whatever they wanted that's how kind of all of those houses were in college yeah and one of my buddies this
00:58:43
was great we got kicked out of a party because one one guy in our group was trying to got into an argument or a fight with some dudes right yeah and my
00:58:51
buddy says nobody says all right let's get the [ __ ] out of here before something crazy happens we leave we get
00:58:57
in the car and we're all [ __ ] we're all shit-faced by the way badge and no drinking and driving is bad our driver
00:59:03
was sober I bet but he goes [ __ ] those guys I go yeah it's [ __ ] sucks we always party over there that sucks he
00:59:09
goes I got him good I was like what did you do and he just holds up an Eightball a pool ball he was I stole the red ball
00:59:16
from their pool table it's like why what are we gonna he goes you know how hard it is to buy one single pool ball and
00:59:22
all those [ __ ] idiots are gonna buy a whole new ball pool ball sack that was his revenge yeah will you like I was
00:59:29
like whoo laughs yeah we were like well I was like that's cool but what made you think of that in here I just saw it I
00:59:34
was I about I'll [ __ ] take from them I'm gonna take a pool ball for breath that's pretty cool don't never never
00:59:39
you're never gonna know where when this is the same guy this is my old college
00:59:45
roommate who the same guy he was so so depressed he he's gonna listen to this he was so
00:59:50
depressed that he failed math for like the end teenth time and we were at a party and he was sitting with his butt
00:59:57
on the floor and his back against the couch and he had a handle of Jack Daniels mm-hmm sitting in his lap and I
01:00:03
go come on man you you're being really weird man you can't do this kind of stuff at a party like people are gonna be [ __ ] freaked out that like this
01:00:08
weirdos blacked out by himself as I kid up you either got to go home or you got a party with us yeah and he no [ __ ] he just goes oh and I go are you gonna
01:00:15
throw up and he goes oh and he looks up in the sky and he bought fountain throws up like a 2 3 feet in the sky but I
01:00:24
respect him he held his shirt out and he caught it in his shirt I'm not kidding witness in his shirt and he and he go he
01:00:32
goes take me outside and I have to pick him up and he's wiping puke off of his shirt and I go you are you gonna go home
01:00:38
he goes I think it's time I think it's time to go home this guy was it he was he was a the best guy to party with but also like you yeah
01:00:46
who knows what's gonna happen right who knows where it's gonna go I have a friend named Nathan I swear to god he
01:00:53
was in the Blue Man Group shut up I swear to God like the Blue Man Group wasn't it's not always the same guy I
01:00:59
know there's a million I was a million of them right yeah but he was an alcoholic Nathan right and my friend
01:01:04
kalisto tell told me and Nathan backed it up you know my friend kalisto yeah yeah so um Nathan was completely drunk in
01:01:11
Vegas doing the Blue Man Group mm-hmm and he was a blackout drunk right and he vomited into his drums but then he the
01:01:23
colors are getting out of the truck is insane speaking of my friend kalisto so meet my friend kalisto and I lived in
01:01:28
Silver Lake we had we every day with there's an El Pollo Loco across the
01:01:33
street and we would buy a B BRC burrito what is that bean rice and cheeseburger
01:01:40
oh yeah yeah and we would split it in half and that was our meal there our dollar that was all you could afford
01:01:46
that's all we could afford for the day yeah Wow and we would have it was thinking back these arguments like like over the phone
01:01:52
bill you know how you would get enraged oh yeah he'd just be like we live a
01:01:59
silver egg [Laughter]
01:02:09
like those kind of arguments when you're so poor yeah now it'd be like oh you
01:02:14
know you don't even look at the 76 cent well there is no phone bill anymore I know that exist before cellphones when your the arguments of when you're so
01:02:20
poor like the arguments when you're so bright first roommate my first roommate ripped up the carpet in our house when I
01:02:26
first moved here yeah and I came home I said what the [ __ ] you doing he goes there's wood floors under here man I was
01:02:34
like what the [ __ ] we have to pay for that [ __ ] and he's like I know we'll just tell the landlord there's wood floors man and I was like yeah dude we
01:02:40
[ __ ] you ripped up the carpet he was just like well I don't know what to do and I was like I'm not paying a [ __ ]
01:02:45
security deposit I get all mine back yeah [ __ ] you I'm not paying any of that [ __ ] crazy arguments when you're yeah
01:02:51
because you're so nervous that's gonna collapse you I mean III had panic attacks that they were gonna come get my
01:02:56
car my first car that I had that I was leasing yeah I was so nervous that I wasn't gonna pay the bills that I
01:03:02
thought because I'd seen or heard of those things where they repo your car and they come just take it from you even
01:03:07
if your shits in it they're like it's ours I know so I used to have panic attacks in the middle of the night that want because I didn't pay a bill and I
01:03:12
was like they're gonna just take my [ __ ] car and then I won't be able to go to my shitty job to make my shitty
01:03:17
rent and then they'll kick me out of this place I used to have those tumbling thoughts every night every single night
01:03:23
I had emotional feelings toward objects because of the experiences yeah cuz they
01:03:31
meant so much I'm not even kidding you I had a white so when I moved to LA I hit
01:03:37
a white Toyota truck and I you know my friend Jonathan Kasich who wasn't he was a comic who I started with he asked him
01:03:45
there were no windows in the truck in the cab you're all blown out there are
01:03:52
no windows yeah so you would be in the winter driving down you know I mean four
01:04:00
or five you'd be so cold imagine the wind yeah and I remember I would park at LAX
01:04:11
to go on the road and I'd come back right and I remember one time I came
01:04:17
back and there was a one of those locks on the wheels oh oh they booted they
01:04:23
were do did you get money yeah that couldn't pay it no I'm not kidding you I
01:04:28
walked up to the truck I put my hand on the hood and i weeped it's like as if
01:04:35
somebody had died because somebody did die cuz I would never see that truck again oh did you never see it again
01:04:41
no oh because I had to let it go I couldn't get it back so I remember going thank you like I remember saying it
01:04:47
things to it like thank you so much for Tia wanna remember we got in the car
01:04:53
accident we got away with when we hit that guy we killed him and no one knows but you and me yeah and and I I remember
01:04:59
just so many experiences in that truck yep it means so much and when you're poor it means so much to you yeah yeah
01:05:06
it's well and you know what honestly yeah that's why my table at my house doesn't have any Nick's in it you want
01:05:14
me to bring the story around that's exactly why because I had so little of anything that now never I appreciate
01:05:20
what my story was is going through real-life experiences no drugs an object
01:05:28
right I understand you bought this [ __ ] thing from Ikea I know I need it right you just do it in your house
01:05:34
you don't go [ __ ] about I picked that table very very demo what experiences oh
01:05:39
we had meals here mm-hmm yeah we've had nice conversations there when the panty broke out I cried over Italy if I walked
01:05:46
you went to your house I go here how much was that good well let's just say let's just suppose that was three grand the dinner table yeah it wasn't $3,000
01:05:54
thousand whatever it might know what is wrong hundred dollars it was like 20 grand no no I don't know I don't even
01:06:01
remember what if I gave you the 20 grand and I took a [ __ ] you know it wasn't 20 [ __ ] whatever it was and I think a
01:06:06
[ __ ] chainsaw I here's 20 grand and I [ __ ] couldn't have you would not cry no if you gave me 20 grand that's so
01:06:13
stupid I could buy 10 new tables happy America happy America the greatest
01:06:18
country in the world be blessed God loves you I'm the best thank you for being a bad
01:06:26
friend [Music]
01:06:42
move all of you for those you love you
01:06:52
[Music]
01:07:38
I begin to shock
01:07:43
fight with my dad fight with my dad
01:07:49
fight was my day make up get drunk with my dad Oh winds up
01:07:59
oh it's on both of you like before the
01:08:05
blow it's a whole new life [Music]
