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[Music]
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[Music]
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HIV I said he had HIV oh [ __ ] HIV look I told you I told you he had
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HIV yeah to get your attention I got your job let me just let people know what happened
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okay so I'm outside with my dogs you know having a good day very sunny good
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day yeah oh yeah it was after the rain it was nice yeah real nice and I get a call from
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Redmond over here and he goes I have something very important to tell you and I go I'm listening because when you
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know when your friend opens up like that your ears you know yeah yeah my eyes are
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squinty but my ears are squinty but when I hear stuff that my ears you know yeah yeah like a cartoon yeah what happened
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and you go seriously you know Alex Alex is our ad guy he works with us at doing
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ads for the fryer and he said man Alex thought he had the coronavirus mm-hmm
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right and he went to got tested but they did some blood work because they found
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something abnormal that's not right and it came back that he has HIV so he's no
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longer our head guy guy he has to go to
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Yuma Arizona umeri yeah yeah you know and to get some sort of test for the facility is that he need I don't know that yeah yeah I don't
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know that not a real thing so then he then he talks to me about some other kind of business yeah yeah so then we
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hang up the phone mm-hmm and I I'm like tears are welling up in my eyes like I'm shaking yeah you
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mean like yes you right you did tell her right away guys next to me yeah so I go to kalila and I go
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right and then I tell her the information but then the tears couple quickly went away yeah because I wanted
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to go play witcher 3 don't you care about your friends getting HIV for for a
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second it was a good eight seconds okay went down stoop lately adventures in caves trying to find the sword that I
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want did you find the sword that you needed no okay and then kalila Texas me because you know I live
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in a very big house so yeah yeah we know yeah downstairs right Jules we're
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killing it and she's not she's just living there she does live there and she's gonna get the house when you guys
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have to move out when you guys get evicted aren't you taking over the house Jules oh yeah she her the [ __ ] out this
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is an ungrateful little Phillip she's going nowhere she's gonna know she's staying in your house forever she will
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be with you for the rest of time yeah you know we've been watching 90-day fiance love it hold on finish your story
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all right let me finish the story so so you're in the basement kalila text you and says what you [ __ ] idiot he
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doesn't have HIV you [ __ ] idiot he does and he'll call me and he said he had they him yeah and she goes no he's
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just joking so then I called you and then you laugh my point is is this how me why would you think I would my point
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is is this is this that when you prank somebody and you say say stuff like that at the end of the phone call you go I
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was just kidding you don't let it [ __ ] live how would you not know that I was kid I wasn't I'm so obvious I was
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joking around [ __ ] him right people no not anymore yeah we know a guy that
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has it nobody got in like 86 yes I know but no one gets it I know he has it now
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I've never gave them a hug you won't touch him no I do I do
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do you ever sit oh you don't know you don't even draw I do my but my point is is that would you would you share a drink with him if he if you were like
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could I get a sip of that if he was I could I get a sip of that I'm really thirsty would you give him a sip of what like I've had a coke yeah yeah but no
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yeah I'll go yeah here you go and then you he would give it back and I would just hold it until he walked away
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yeah no seriously a light o laiia get
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your attention got it and then I asked you the business states not it's not you know no because when I ask you business
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stuff when I ask you stuff about the show yeah you go like this ready yeah you're me I'm you so so call me and be
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back to me yeah at all because that's how you always open 100% yeah and then
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what do I say I said you go um give me any business thing like we need to do this but so anyway um so the you know
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the mics we got to get new mics okay okay okay okay okay I don't care don't care I gotta go I gotta go that's what I do every [ __ ] time do I
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talk like that you do so so if I can't
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get your attention if I'd got to talk a real business thing that I was like he's never gonna take this serious and it was a long conversation so I told you that
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the ad guy got HIV because I knew would get your attention but from now on right now it's any anything right right if
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Chris D'Elia yeah gets in a car accident and you call me that he's in a pair he's paralyzed
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yeah I'd be like haha yeah but I would laugh - oh yeah let's show they're on it
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D'Elia sent Bobby a video yeah so last night you know let's play the video let
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me explain it first okay last night I'm having a great day I'm downstairs playing Witcher 3 just going on and some
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adventures trying to find another sword and I get a text from this piece of [ __ ]
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yeah go ahead play it here's what the LEAs text about me was
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my special came out mmm yeah it's
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killing you should do one you know just
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get it together you're [ __ ] doing already yeah but you don't you know and
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you won't because you're a [ __ ] that's
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criticize the way he looks though okay number one Chris D'Elia all right what a
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weirdo okay look at this yet it look at this though yet another look at his face yet
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another goofball tattoo from Chris paper of another a paper airplane Dom he's three for three on bad tats right his
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lips are like remember that in fit and phibian if the amphibian character in Hellboy oh yeah he has the hit they're
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always wet yeah daliyah's lips are always [ __ ] wet soaked soaked yeah
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you know why why cuz he does this all time yeah it was that what he does all the time I see him lick his lips all the
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time oh that's what he wants wet lips yeah he wants he wants to be wet lips let's call him wet lips from now on so
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wet lips sent you this text did you text him back yeah I texted him I'll show you what I texted him I go because when he
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sends me videos this like this all the [ __ ] time and I get so angry I don't know why well he does I just said I'm
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gonna hurt you what he said nothing he never responded yeah in fact he didn't hurt you then did
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ya I mean one time he sent me a video of aren't my dogs cute so he has two dogs
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Jada three I thought he had whatever two or three dogs running around being cute but they're running on top of a pile of
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money yeah that's hilarious he does stuff like that he does yeah well he's a
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Richie Rich guy yeah he's the he is he's secretly probably one of the richest
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friends we have don't you think I mean if I were to guess he's not the richest
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no no but I'm saying he's he's up there though he's up there he's in the top I think that the richest one
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we know is your sebastian by far by far right that's not even it's not even
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close that's by far the realize white lips see
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what he's got to say about himself if he can pick up you know this guy yeah there
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might be two you've met him before right yeah you know Chris yeah do you like him you
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like his comedy you don't watch comment that's [ __ ] in the mic your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice
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message Jules were you talking to Mike and go hey hey go hey speaking only in
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Philippine Filipino and say hey it's me I've never been a fan of you or your comedy oh yeah press 1 for more options
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hi Korea sky or say Hmong commit comedy
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feral animal now under city to Barbie I'm emo dong lips okay Dakota Ohio only
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a weird guy over honest queer Andrew camasta okay bye what did you just say
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that Peter Bobby said that you have a big lips okay good I love you you're the
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baby of the day thank you so [ __ ] good he sent me those weird texts all the 10 that's where he does his special did come out very funny very funny does
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beg the question Bob huh when's Bobo gonna do one all right you know what um we're not doing that right now okay no
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problem we're not doing that right now we don't have to oh we don't have to you want to you want to talk about something that's been bothering you for a while
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outside of that which is what the podcast by ken Jeong and I bothering me
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it's not is it bothering you well you sent me a text that said it's so [ __ ] annoying that they have a
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podcast now and you said I will you said I hate Joel McHale if you want to go down this path now I can go down a path
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that you not gonna like as well don't ever roll your little eyes okay well hold on
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though here yeah yeah we compiled something we compiled we compiled a
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little yeah Bobby Lee or Ken Jeong who who sent this tweet let's see let's see
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how different or close you guys are to having the same kind of tweet sentiments because we were looking at the tweets
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and I was like hmm maybe they copied us because you guys have similar tweets Yeah right all right so yeah let's play
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Bobby Lee live or Ken Jeong here we go sorry I'll stop the retweets got carried
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away damn you Coke Zero who said that Bobby or dr. Ken who said that me yeah I
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didn't say that I don't like Coke Zero that's right yeah yeah if any of this is
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bad it's all George okay so tired from my private charter flight from to New Zealand humble jet lag oh
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definitely not me I take Southwest Airlines middle seat that's why they love you yeah I'm addicted to ramen
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y'all and [ __ ] it is something that I would say but I didn't say that you
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didn't know yes you did yes you did I
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said that April 19th 2014 you said I'm addicted to ramen y'all and
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[ __ ] oh [ __ ] holy [ __ ] I was I was in a psychedelic
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ban in my early 20s and I looked like Pocahontas I'm so glad they kicked that's me is it because I was in the second dollar
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bad yeah you were what was the band we were called Laxton superb you can see a video on YouTube Laxton superb yeah
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we're gonna look that up after we play this cuz it's you know have you ever showed anybody that no I don't want to
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show people wait why you just said we can look it up on YouTube on your own you just told everybody us oh people listening on all
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the fans you can work exactly I know it's on you to Laxton superb that's what the band was called yes Wow
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why no I think that's amazing yeah and what it when he won it was a psychedelic
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band that's what I just said from the tweet read it yeah was it yes it was huh yeah Eric
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Stonestreet I'd rather not talk about it in public Eric Stonestreet thank god there's a private direct message and not a tweet that's definitely Ken Jeong
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why because he's friends with I wouldn't I don't think I would say something like that I would be a little bit more crass
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than that I wasn't sure yeah are you sure yeah look at me yeah you sure yeah okay you're right
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yep what would you have said I would have said you you [ __ ] fat [ __ ] you
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know me something yeah dear Miley Cyrus I love you deeply but passing on Mariah
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for meetcha was a criminal by Azmi you sure 100% because I'm a huge fan of the
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voice so is he yep I'm a huge like I follow them we've had people on the voice on time no no I
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know but wait a minute you you do you still talk to Mariah for Mika I don't
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know her she was just on the show but you tweeted or did she not return that tweet do you know what's so [ __ ] [ __ ] up some of them knew but some of
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them don't like III like American Idol as well yeah sure and so I'll follow somebody for what about her voice I both
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what about the newest one yeah I'm watching the newest one yeah it's good it's okay yeah the Songwriters one wouldn't be the
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songwriters one way the two they pair up songwriters with uh do you know I'm talking about you're talking about American Idol no dude they have a brand
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new one there's a brand new show where it's like they walk in it had the voice then or a melody I know it's a brand new
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show but is from the same people okay what's it called okay and yeah we done with this portion
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or clothes I playing the new Christiano game heads up on my iPhone this game is addicting no that's not me you sure yeah
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I wouldn't I play that where's Kim yeah this is what I look all right before I transform into a mermaid me look at my
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body ken doesn't look like that I know what ken has golems Bob George did not blur this will
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that's how pixelated is a yeah yeah it's you yeah Wow though you look good thank you now
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is this one of the tubs where you put jizz on the side yep sure is this guy
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roofied me and I welcome an abandoned building downtown wearing my Genghis Khan outfit that's me for sure because I
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know that that's uh Andrew W K that is yeah yeah what was that from one of his
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music videos you know something like that yeah very bummed for Shante left chili peppers again probably greatest guitars in the past
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ten years Billboard Music Awards it's not me damn George did not do a good enough job I'm gonna quit comedy also cheater
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Santino's my favorite comedian That's not me for sure 100% that one is my
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favorite that one's my literal favorite god damn I love that so much at that actually we'll wait that came out when
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told you lied 1224 k said that out loud I'm gonna quit comedy also cheater sentence my favorite comedian I bet you
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you don't remember this night do you do you remember the night oh yeah yeah you
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left your phone open at the store yeah we were sitting at the booths yeah I mean at the at midsi's take chairs yeah
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and the bucket seats you went up on stage and left your phone on the table uh-huh I unlocked I immediately went to
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Twitter and tweeted that close your phone put it back down wait did I know
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that you had done that no I don't well yeah I think afterwards we had talked about it oh really cuz you'd open your Twitter and you'd
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been like what the [ __ ] what the [ __ ] is is and you didn't delete it oh so you did that yeah I didn't do that
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technically you did I guess yeah yes but you know I'll be honest with you yeah
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there was a time where I would probably think that you were my favorite comedian well we owe thanks in the past no I
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remember when well here well here's let me give you let me give you some honest reference to this yeah you were talking
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you were being very negative me like I'm gonna quit I want to quit you weren't feeling good you were in a bad mood that night is that that 2014 was a really bad
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year for me well so you skip cent you kept saying I'm gonna quit comedy yeah and I was like you're not gonna [ __ ] work you're not gonna quit Bob and you
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kept saying yes I am I'm gonna quit yeah yeah so when you kept saying that and you left your phone and went onstage I tweeted I was just gonna tweet I'm gonna
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quit comedy and I was gonna say should I cuz I wanted you to see people go no [ __ ] no that's insane
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right but then I just I'm gonna quit comedy and then yeah well thank you for
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saying that no because I remember when I talked here yeah it was a [ __ ] tough year man
00:16:49
that was a really bad year 2014 why why should why 14 I was in relationship with kalila it was a first year maybe of
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being a relationship with her mm-hm and I had nothing going on I couldn't get any auditions I had nothing really
00:17:02
going on work was bad the road was half the were filled Wow some places that would
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go I would sell like a hundred seats out of like a 350 Rio yeah for her room and then I would have
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to go you know you know how you show up to a I don't not now but at that time you'd have to show up to a gig and then
00:17:20
go in the manager's office and go what can we do can we just give away two please and please I even remember it
00:17:26
vividly yeah I remember feeling I remember showing up yeah and doing that thing where I walk right into the green
00:17:33
room I don't say I don't say anything to anybody yeah and somebody comes in like Ari I'm like I'm good sorry about that I immediately say sorry me too and the
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server's always were like it's okay it's not that's [ __ ] we're fine this is fine this is yeah and then they do this thing where they go this is like this
00:17:45
Thursday this is like this is what it's like on Thursday they'd see that all the [ __ ] time and they're just trying to
00:17:50
be nice to you because they know that it hurts or I know although they'll tell you a pass comic that's good they'll go you know you know who did really bad on
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Thursday yeah they'll do that move right but but I remember those it will never
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leave my chest so that was happening a lot in 14 oh my god and they would and then also at the end of the week was the
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worst where they were it's payday boy you get the cheque yeah and it's like the justifications they bring up
00:18:13
these paper you're the paper yeah they're like here's how bad you do yeah and and they give you the numbers and the breakdown right so that means so
00:18:21
Friday night we had to comp this many and this and that anyway at long story short here's your five dollar check and
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then you know you had been there for a week yeah right and you're like kind of shaking eagle thanks for the opportunity
00:18:34
it's a some [ __ ] Alyssa yeah and you look like a dummy you look like a dummy and then you the flight home is always
00:18:41
like the most depressing thing oh do that night that night sucks because I go back to the hotel I'll probably have
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some to eat or drink and then just sit around thinking about how do I want to keep doing this yeah you do you really
00:18:53
go do I want to keep doing this thing is this worth it to keep going to these places that but but but was the worst
00:18:59
show III can remember with you I went to Foxwoods casino I've ever been played there oh yeah right I was in [ __ ] why
00:19:07
did a one time yeah and I had a show so not round anymore right I don't know yeah I did I did a show so bad where
00:19:14
there's a curtain I went behind the curtain I laid on my back
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remember crying during the show no after the show and I could hear the audience
00:19:24
leave and I was laying bet they're just [ __ ] crying yeah yeah it was that
00:19:29
painful so [ __ ] pain I mean I've talked I've talked about so many of them I there was you know I'm not gonna say
00:19:36
the name of the [ __ ] club but with the you know without yeah I don't give a [ __ ] I was at yeah which one I don't
00:19:44
want to say because the people that run are so nice yeah well you just said the club oh that's
00:19:49
true yeah yeah so one of some shows I can get this I can go you know you don't
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have I don't get a door deal but just get give me ten grand mm-hmm for the week mm-hmm this is what I used to do
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and sometimes they would go all right right and at the end of the week there
00:20:08
is these two old couple an old couple that run that's been doing it for years sure and you can tell that they're
00:20:15
distraught and then the man is like giving me the cheque but his hand shaking what do you mean like he's upset
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that he's like shaking you don't give me anything here you go I go what's wrong I
00:20:27
wish it I wish I'd never said that yeah you should just take images we just we
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we just thought you would do better and we were just really hitting we're losing
00:20:39
a lot of money on this one and I go and then how do you how do you take it from
00:20:46
them did you take it no I would have taken it no no because they were so like
00:20:52
they were older so what did you do you walked home with no no no I go I go what just rewrite the check give me five
00:20:58
that's really nice and they go oh my god you're a mensch and added Google what meant Ament I remember that what's
00:21:05
Mensch mean you never heard that no you thought it was a racial slur yeah [ __ ] and in Jerusalem gone for me yeah I'll
00:21:16
be that I'll be the guy mm-hmm yeah you know young man oh are you shaking there is are you okay or nice it's like a
00:21:22
medical condition man there's the check no we're just very upset because uh
00:21:28
we're taking a really big hit on the son and we thought we did
00:21:33
man yeah thanks for the time dude appreciate you guys that's gone really
00:21:40
why I don't think you would do that yeah I wouldn't take I would take the check when somebody's visibly distraught and
00:21:46
you can and you can test places make a ton of money not this one this is at a Holiday Inn mm-hmm haul it in why do
00:21:53
they agree they thought they were gonna make way more money yeah because you know at the time nah I was this not my
00:22:00
business okay but let me get [ __ ] so much we get [ __ ] so much so I I don't
00:22:08
care I'm just oh sorry okay it's you know a lot of people go
00:22:17
thought at the time that Bobbi was on a show MADtv for eight years yeah we don't
00:22:23
really know his numbers on the road but we just make assumptions that he's gonna sell a certain amount of tickets of
00:22:28
course right I'm doing well now because of the podcasting and because there's
00:22:34
just been just a you know um because people want to see you're Greinke yeah yeah yeah it's just a different agent
00:22:40
set that number why doesn't matter dude that we're still human [ __ ] beings and I you know I got I I get it the only
00:22:47
way I agree with you here cuz I have a heart too is if it's a mom-and-pop place but if it's a corporate place I don't
00:22:54
[ __ ] care they make tons of money on the bottom mom and pop it's not a corporate all
00:22:59
right so that's I give that credit then okay good cuz if the it was the improv [ __ ] you wouldn't give a [ __ ] yeah yeah
00:23:05
bunny bone [ __ ] you there's a milk yeah yeah when it's a big corp if it's a mom-and-pop cuz I have family relations with families that I still love that I
00:23:12
work with them on the numbers yeah but the problem is so many times corporate clubs [ __ ] us when we were young how many times did you get [ __ ]
00:23:19
when you were young by big corporate clubs and they gave you no money or you're like this is how much I thought
00:23:24
we said this is how much that's so money I mean there are search clubs today that when my my agent goes do you want to
00:23:30
play the city I'll go no no [ __ ] that and they'll go why because I know what they're gonna do because I sold out
00:23:37
right and then they're gonna go here's $1500 yeah and then you go and then they
00:23:43
go sold out and then they go no I mean I think there was some tickets we're not yeah don't know if it was all the way and I know people going will 1500 owes a lot
00:23:49
of money you have to understand that you know we fly it ourselves there we're there for three or four days right and
00:23:56
our agents take 20-25 percent whatever your deal is Yeah right with taxes you're making six seven
00:24:03
hundred bucks it's just not worth it no you walk away walk away broke people people don't really bro yeah because all
00:24:08
your money has gone through either taxes and agents payouts and your and your living not at home so you're eating out every day you're not it's not like
00:24:14
you're cooking food yeah then you go back to your [ __ ] hotel and I also want to say this is that people go whoa
00:24:19
you comedians get paid a lot you have to understand that for the first ten years yeah I did thousands and thousands and
00:24:27
thousands of shows for knowing nothing no money for nothing I lived with nine
00:24:32
dudes in a one-bedroom apartment in Silver Lake for years yeah and we've had that we've had to grind it out just to get a meal a
00:24:39
day I mean I went through it so when people try to you know go well you're not grateful it's like go [ __ ] yourself
00:24:46
no you're very grateful now you're very great yeah yeah because you lived through the thing to get to the place why hey the common issue that almost
00:24:55
every man faces nobody wants to talk about it think long and hard whoa 40% of men by 40 or not be able to get
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that peepee stiff the blood isn't rushing like it used to edie is a real thing back in the day
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00:27:40
what's the first time you [ __ ] uh when I was 28
00:27:46
no you're 20 years old with the first time you [ __ ] yeah 28 when I lost my virginity how because
00:27:53
I was afraid of sex until then so I dry-humped I only would dry hump really
00:27:58
yeah so you would do like highschool moves at in your 20s because I was scared of sex so I would do I would say
00:28:06
would you mind if we could take our pants I'm gonna be don't laugh at me I would say joy
00:28:13
so I would say could you take your I went out we would take our pants off and I'd say leave your underwear on and I'd leave my underwear on and I just would
00:28:18
kiss and I'd grind it but I do dry hump that you would come through the underwear I've come on any underwear all
00:28:24
over it and I usually go home with what
00:28:32
was the first time you fought bed when I was 28 so what happened can we give you this a situation first time I [ __ ]
00:28:37
yeah Craigslist I ordered a girl off Craig's are you lying right now yes I know you are I was 15 you [ __ ] [ __ ] but the
00:28:49
first time by the way - but the first time I do remember busting a nut with a girl was a dry hump yeah when I was 12
00:28:55
or 13 mmm and holy [ __ ] felt good oh my god yeah I was soaked and my joke didn't
00:29:01
come yeah and I walked home with my [ __ ] soaked underwear and it was like the best moment of my life the best sex I
00:29:07
thought that was the pin I was like this is it and then you feel sex for real and you're like well this is gonna ruin my
00:29:13
life make my group the best sex I've had it was with my girlfriend kalila but the
00:29:19
second the best sex I've ever had was in Beirut really never tell you that story oh so this is crazy so I go to Beirut
00:29:28
with Sebastian Maniscalco yeah for the troops and Erik Griffin no we did shows
00:29:34
for it I'm not kidding you Hezbollah when was this
00:29:40
years ago yeah yeah but so we did this whole run in for Sebastian was Sebastian
00:29:45
oh yeah yeah no one knew who the guy at the store it was the guy at the store and Erik Griffin was just this fat black I know
00:29:54
you both very funny yeah many years ago and but we had done this [ __ ] in Middle East run so I don't
00:30:01
know if you know this but in the Middle East if you go on the internet and try to download porn you can't they block it
00:30:07
yeah yeah right so then it's like and I've always masturbated through pornography yeah so I for a month
00:30:14
I didn't masturbate at all he just I couldn't so just and then I kept saying
00:30:20
to the tour guys ago when are we going to Beirut because I knew that I could
00:30:25
have a process you'd have free there yeah and there soon three weeks I would like to have a calendar and just
00:30:30
be on the market and then we go to Beirut and so we go and there's this guy
00:30:37
named Camille and he's like our friend and he's running the shows right right
00:30:42
like promoting it you know through his production company or whatever and he lived in this gigantic white mansion as
00:30:48
soon as we walked in there was like goosies on the table no I'm not kidding I love this right and
00:30:54
then like um on the corner of this [ __ ] place Danny Masterson is eating spaghetti what
00:31:01
yeah why his brother I remember this this like Illuminati [ __ ] is crazy right wait why how do they
00:31:08
guys there because he's since he has a production company they're also doing a rave or something like that and Danny
00:31:15
Masterson's deejaying oh okay so they hired him to come right okay it's not like he's Hezbollah well
00:31:21
no we're all just there right because of this guy sure so I go right as a Camilla
00:31:28
and I'm just like shaking and I'm like [Laughter]
00:31:37
oh you want to go yeah yeah and he goes um super disco well that's what he says
00:31:46
to me super disco super disco I go what the [ __ ] is a super disco and he goes that's
00:31:52
where the prostitutes are oh and I go well can we go now you think no we gotta go an hour into
00:31:59
the desert Yeah right so I go when when he goes tomorrow we'll go we'll go to super disco and then
00:32:05
Masterson goes I want to go I'm not gonna help ya he's not that way but he
00:32:11
they just wanted to check it out I would want to check it out yeah he just wanted to check it out yeah I want to see it he
00:32:16
wanted to see it yeah but he didn't do anything with his brother so we so we if you're in Beirut every other Street
00:32:22
there's a tank right yeah yeah a 12 year old with a machine gun yeah yeah right and then you have stop
00:32:29
and then it's like you got you know passports papers yeah and all that stuff yeah so you're going out there you're
00:32:34
going out there takes forever to get out there you got in the desert and all of a sudden you see these three buildings
00:32:40
they look like skyscape scrapers in the middle of the desk in the middle of the desert and above them is like these like
00:32:46
you know like circus you know like circus circus like it's a super disco button let in that kind of font yeah
00:32:52
right yeah and then like bright lights you're a bright light yeah and we go and
00:32:57
we go downstairs and it's like you know I've ever been to it like a shitty
00:33:04
theater where it's like just black they have no you know I mean there's no set decorating it yeah black box black box
00:33:10
theater yeah black box the theater right that's what it looked like in the basement of this beauty the building is
00:33:15
beautiful its basement it's black you know mean and maybe a couple of like you know those 70 is like just disco ball
00:33:22
yeah right and it's like this music is playing and the women are just walking
00:33:27
in a circle they're just yeah they're just wandering around just pretending that they're not
00:33:34
partying but you could tell that they're just sex slaves slaves yeah second
00:33:40
living right and also they didn't to me I was just like this is too sad it was
00:33:46
Vette sounds [ __ ] prison yeah so so you so then I go to Camilla I
00:33:53
don't know these are a happier place like a super super disco any good no no
00:33:59
dude i I know I know the girl I know I may never find another girl okay so he disappears right he comes back with this
00:34:07
Moroccan lady right her name is Julia but she looked like a dark Julia Roberts
00:34:15
no I'm being serious as soon as I saw her my dick just yeah I mean yeah like
00:34:22
this right and like a little juice squirted out the top yeah yeah it was
00:34:28
like oh and he goes this is Julia and I go you know it's just you know when
00:34:35
women first see me they make a face yeah yeah they go like that make sense yeah yes so um what do we do now or I don't
00:34:43
have the word you know and he goes no you gotta come back tomorrow what you check this out
00:34:49
you gotta come back tomorrow and you gotta take her on a date if you take a process dude on a date I don't know rocky knees
00:34:59
or [ __ ] right because it's not really a [ __ ] it's just illegal right so you
00:35:05
have to just show up here right go through the motions of it and but it's gonna I go ok so I wake up the next day
00:35:12
and I go come here let's go you guys know you're going on your own how to the
00:35:18
super disco by yeah an hour in the desert by myself nope I go myself you
00:35:23
guys don't look at this piece of paper so he puts a piece of it right on the top it says Julia - OH - Johnny said it
00:35:33
was okay that's what it said Johnny said it was okay well Johnny said it was okay
00:35:40
I go who's Johnny he goes don't worry about it just give him the paper mm-hmm so I go in the cab
00:35:46
I remember this at this cab driver II got a you want to see minut that do I
00:35:51
go yeah he pulls up his shirt it's a full-blown
00:35:57
Adolf Hitler tattoo shut up on his [ __ ] stomach in Beirut in Beirut had a [ __ ] head Hitler
00:36:04
doing this sig hi Ida I have no idea why so I'm scared and then now feel safe for some reason and
00:36:11
also in every stop point yeah right it's harder because I don't know the language it's not like Camille could talk to
00:36:17
these people yeah so it's just it just takes longer would you have to keep saying super disco no I didn't say any
00:36:22
you can't say that so what does the taxi guy does it yeah he's like you know he's gonna go visit I don't know what he's saying right yeah yeah yeah yeah
00:36:28
so we go out there and the cat attacks it's during the day now it looks completely different oh it's just desert and just like 1970s
00:36:37
Soviet looking buildings oh my god and he drops me up and he goes he just
00:36:42
drives away yeah he knows right I go what the [ __ ] and I walk in there and
00:36:48
there's a table a long wooden table off to the side and there's probably about
00:36:55
ten Russian dudes Russian right drinking
00:37:01
Turkish coffee smoking cigars and they all have the the guns oh yeah yeah right
00:37:06
yeah and there just as soon as I walk in they go they just stare and I'm shaking
00:37:12
Andrew the papers just yeah yeah right and I go to the front desk and in there
00:37:20
was a doorway like that right yeah you know how in the doorway something does it have those like there's we beat yeah you are whatever to be [ __ ] hate oh
00:37:26
yeah so this July I got a Russian twice the size of these guys walks through
00:37:32
this [ __ ] thing what do you want who's also Dracula and I go oh Julia -
00:37:45
to Johnny said it was okay that's what he said right and he goes who's Johnny yeah and that
00:37:54
good question and I ran out of the [ __ ] building what yeah and I called Camille because
00:38:00
he had we these a makeshift like throwaway phones right right right burner phone burner phones Oh Johnny
00:38:06
Johnny there's a [ __ ] Johnny dude he's my friend go back in there we're gonna fight I'm
00:38:14
not going back in there so I go back in there but now the guys still behind the counter huge huge and these guys are
00:38:22
just staring at me yeah and I go back and I go yeah and he looks at me he goes
00:38:34
[Laughter] everyone's laughing right and I'm
00:38:43
laughing he goes here's your keys right
00:38:51
Kamille took care of it you know every single range only paid yeah he paid for
00:38:57
it and he goes and he gave me two remote controls one for the air remember one for the air conditioning and one for
00:39:04
this the TV remote I know it's weird they don't leave him in the room no they don't so I have two remotes and then I
00:39:10
have keys I go to room 202 and it literally is like you know the set this the the room
00:39:17
look like Munich 1972 I mean just 70's like giraffe but drowned not
00:39:26
only just oh it but very like the Soviet seventies yeah weird yeah yeah
00:39:32
uncomfortable very Anka the TV was like I didn't even know how to turn it on it was so old yeah the remote wasn't for the TV yeah I
00:39:38
don't know what it was for and i sat there on this couch just waiting for this girl and I waited there public for
00:39:44
an hour and a half she wasn't in the room No so you just sat in like a satiric just just I looked around a bit right I
00:39:52
looked outside you just desert what do you do back then there's no phones you know playing on a phone no that no I had
00:39:58
a makeshift as I'm saying so you just sit in silence just sat there and then um I get a knock on the door and she
00:40:07
comes in huh and um she doesn't speak English of course and she just goes she's grabs
00:40:15
my hand should we just sit on the couch I'm just sitting there I don't know what to say and then she starts licking
00:40:23
kissing my neck right and then I'm not kidding you out of my dick you came
00:40:29
already a little bit let me imagine a
00:40:35
month right yes right I could you could hear it like that right yeah and she
00:40:42
goes okay come on you know she's probably over the bed and she has
00:40:47
condoms out of this purse right the condom on and you put it on for you yeah okay and she's beautiful she's hot yeah
00:40:56
you should have asked Rudy to leave the room like an hour ago okay cuz koala knows a story you okay
00:41:02
with it you judge me for it alright don't be don't be judgy okay alright she's tired from school yeah
00:41:11
she's trying to learn as soon as I stick it in I calm what yeah I go oh right
00:41:17
away right away soaked okay that's good let's you know I mean she's no no flower
00:41:23
he paid for for know usually for some reason you have to be there because of this dating thing for a certain amount
00:41:29
of time right otherwise they know it's a prostitute right right
00:41:35
for hours because she goes but we could go anywhere you want so you can just
00:41:40
keep doing it yes so you did like 12 times really oh my god did you love it oh it
00:41:46
was the best for $200 that's all it was yes oh my god oh my god
00:41:53
so you just kept going you kept going I mean it by the 12th one you know I mean for advising the rock if you know Visine
00:42:00
drop comes in yeah yeah that's when your dick is like yeah so wait a minute how
00:42:05
do you say goodbye I don't you just got up and left yeah I just got put my clothes off bye-bye well
00:42:11
you give him a look like and then you hey you'll never forgive me I'm the guy
00:42:17
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00:43:43
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00:43:48
sure when it comes to his linens dude he told me he gave me a Buffy [ __ ] comforter yeah it literally is the best
00:43:56
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00:44:01
I'm being real because I was like you have to take this home and use it I promise you like what and then when I use it so we are Buffy fans for life
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trust me it's nice and compact and thin it doesn't feel like you're in a heavy comforter Bob and I wanted to temperatures you will eventually sweat
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and enter the code that's right yeah buddy every other prostitute know you have yeah why do you lie I've had three
00:45:05
of them you have three at once are you lying because and because of the HIV thing and because you've lied a
00:45:12
couple of times on this podcast are you being honest for real how about this from now on
00:45:17
especially on this specific podcast please don't um lie because I want to be
00:45:23
real I got a hand job in college from a prostitute that's it yeah I never had sex I'm so scared to have sex mmm that's
00:45:29
a scary thing for me any gay experiences it was the [ __ ] from the prostitute it was a guy no for real I did get a
00:45:38
[ __ ] from a prostitute at college at a party then you paid them yeah I was so sad I was like a frat boy party type of
00:45:44
[ __ ] and she was like a dancer they hired a girl to come dance right yeah and a buddy was like if you give her
00:45:52
like 20 bucks she'll jerk you off and I was like [ __ ] you yeah it's like I swear to god yeah so like
00:46:01
joking around joking around dancing with me doing a dance yeah you know we're tipping her like she's a stripper even
00:46:06
though we have like nine dollars to our name mm-hmm I sent my buddy said if I give you 20 bucks that you can help me out and she's
00:46:15
like oh yeah right now oh wow Wow it was like uh not in front of everyone
00:46:20
she's like okay whatever what do you want yeah I was like oh I don't maybe it's in the bathroom so I go to the bathroom and I sat on the toilet I was
00:46:28
super nervous this is so [ __ ] gross I found this story I sat on the toilet I just told you yeah but it's a favor
00:46:33
but yours is fun and mine sad that's both sad well here we go yeah I sat on
00:46:39
the toilet yeah and she's like mmm go on the sink like sit on the sink I send
00:46:45
this thing can I pull my pants down yeah and she goes to give me a [ __ ] and I
00:46:50
stopped her I didn't want she was how many dicks that she sucked that night I
00:46:56
don't know I got nervous can you get aids from a [ __ ] can you I don't think you can maybe I
00:47:02
think it's like 1% or well I didn't want to be the 1% I don't want to be the one guy that was like mom dad okay I got age
00:47:09
from a blow job at a hooker at school yeah I think about that funeral I know
00:47:15
he was a good man what year was it - hmm
00:47:21
2003 oh yeah what are you gonna survive yeah yeah we had medication you could
00:47:26
thicken the Michael Hill nervous what's that magic Johnson [ __ ] [ __ ] money he had money oh if that's true
00:47:32
so I just said do you mind can you what if you I my friend said you'll jerk me
00:47:37
off yeah and she was like oh okay whatever she couldn't have cared less yeah so she started pulling on my dick
00:47:43
yeah no condom lizard condom on No okay no that's why I got nervous I didn't the [ __ ] oh she's just pulling
00:47:49
on me pulling on me pulling on me and I was so in my head nervous yeah I you
00:47:55
didn't come I went soft oh that's the saddest story get ready she kept going she just kept
00:48:03
pulling on it soft for like maybe four or five minutes that's so and then I
00:48:08
said I gotta go I have to I have to go after God that's your story that was my ho prostitute story it's a saddest story I've ever heard
00:48:15
there's no ending I there was I left I know but that's not it's like a soft ending it was very soft yeah it's like
00:48:23
you asked if you wanted to know it's like the movies Sixth Sense without revealing that Bruce Willis was dead the
00:48:30
whole time she's dead now if that helps the process yeah yeah Wow the only one
00:48:37
time you've had it yeah that's such a scary idea really you're not scared you're not scared of it you know it's
00:48:42
funny um you know when I show many penises so many penises they've had yeah
00:48:50
but if you protect yourself it's like you know I know I just you know I want I want to be the only bell at the ball
00:48:55
listen I I understand I listen you there are times what I do think back at my
00:49:01
life and go why did you behave like that no I don't want to punish myself for
00:49:06
seedy behavior Yeah right I don't really but you know there is of
00:49:12
some shame associated to it because like Alex I'll tell a story at a pot on a
00:49:17
podcast and I can read the room yeah in the room going Oh yummy and then me
00:49:23
going oh my god I'm I am a weird guy huh yeah yeah I'm a weird guy yeah but it's
00:49:29
a good thing I don't you know it's we wouldn't had that Beirut story and we would have just had a story about a guy getting jerked off in a frat I know his
00:49:37
penis went soft but you know you know how much that hurt my feelings I thought from that day forward I was never getting an erection again I went
00:49:43
soft while a good-looking girl tugged on my penis yeah I got so scared yeah but you know I understood because we really
00:49:49
had trouble in and pressure I was so scared yeah you need me sometimes you want to be relaxed and she wasn't even looking at me while
00:49:54
she was doing it which was even more weird yeah I mean I have to justify my Beirut thing I don't know if I would
00:49:59
have done that if I was able to jerk off but I couldn't remember but for a month over a month yeah right so it was just
00:50:06
all pinned up in me and I you know I felt so much peer pressure for me it was more peer pressure yeah like it would be
00:50:11
cool to get a do I've lost my erection from the prostitutes all the time oh really like nine times in my life okay
00:50:17
what's your total prostitute number me yeah be honest on as close as you can
00:50:24
mentally because I know you probably forget I went I'm gonna give you the most
00:50:29
honest answer I can I usually I exaggerate yeah right i fumble the number numbers or you know yeah
00:50:37
over 300 what prostitute not sexual
00:50:44
partners women that you paid for sex yeah and I don't mean 300 times I mean 300 different women yeah huh-huh that's
00:50:54
a lot that's uh that's a fair amount it's not a lot no I think that's a lot
00:51:01
of that it's not now 300 times 300 I understand the English language so I
00:51:07
don't mean dick I don't mean how many times yet like I understand the English language and I'm telling you right now I've had sex with
00:51:14
what are you googling what the [ __ ] you googling well uh what's the average
00:51:21
amount of prostitutes men get percentage
00:51:30
of men by comedy country who pay for sex just because I want to see the average I mean Cambodia is killing it killing it
00:51:39
yeah Wow the show United States ranks three four five six seventh and about about 20% of
00:51:48
men here get prostitutes eighty percent of men and Cambodia get prostitutes in what'swhat's the listen but I want to
00:51:57
know the national average of number of prostitutes per man Cambodia men are quite ready to admit they seek the favors of prostitutes let's see what the
00:52:03
United States says down here why are we doing this I just it's like I try to I'm
00:52:08
honest with you and then now you're gonna rub it in my [ __ ] face I'm curious to know if that's an if that's
00:52:14
how I was trying to be uh I'm just honest with you okay how much so how
00:52:20
much money do you think you spent I don't dozens of thousands and thousands of dollars problem what's the average
00:52:26
cost of a process I want to say this okay that I don't look like you what's
00:52:31
the average I don't look it to me right now you're white piece of [ __ ] yeah me I don't look like you
00:52:39
you know I grew up you know I'm older than okay what's the average cost of a prostitute 2006 it was about 340 14 it
00:52:48
was 260 I guess that's not that bad so you haven't spend that much what's
00:52:54
the most you spent well there was a girl in Vegas that I'd spent a thousand a pop
00:53:00
a thousand per time mm-hmm how many times did you pop 12 times probably it's
00:53:09
over a series of six seven years yeah oh so every time you went to Vegas you would go that's you'd see her yeah and
00:53:14
you gave her around 12 grand maybe hmm that's not mom yeah if you got
00:53:20
it you got it I mean that's just a little bit more than the go bananas guy gave you I guess yeah that's why you
00:53:30
know but look at me look at me when I say that I don't give a [ __ ] look at me yeah I'm not judging I don't care it's fine I'm just I didn't know three 300
00:53:37
sounds like a lot yeah it just sounds like a lot it may not be a lot but okay I'm 48
00:53:43
yeah all right and also you have to understand that if you've been doing it for 20 years when I was in in in the 80s
00:53:51
right when I was a young man all right I graduated high school in 1990 Wow I was
00:53:57
in all these unrequited love situations where I would have a crush on a girl I
00:54:02
would do everything I can for them to like me I would stay in these like friendships with them for like six
00:54:07
months to a year even they would Danny another dude and I stick around hate that and be there you know be their
00:54:14
friend and supportive meanwhile I'm so jealous and I don't know what to do because I'm and I feel so um I had this
00:54:22
negative image of me sexually I just when I looked in the mirror I didn't get who I was I like that that's me I said
00:54:29
oh so my point is I I can name you the women Ashley Brown Rebecca Dreskin and
00:54:35
Abby elderness I was just in these relationships where it's just like they I was in a room with a girl while she
00:54:42
was [ __ ] another guy at a party and I loved her cooking yeah did you watch
00:54:48
yeah did you let her watch I was just in laying down next to them what she [ __ ] you know said that's who
00:54:54
I was you laid down next to her and she had said on another bed but like it was in the same room and I remember pretending to sleep and she I know that
00:55:00
she's [ __ ] this other guy Wow right and so when you're in these and so you
00:55:06
know listen to the whole thing you didn't say anything when I watch a movie
00:55:12
I'll watch the complete movie even if I don't like it this is a really sad much I saw trolls that cartoon movie was what
00:55:19
a good film and at any point during the movie did a troll [ __ ] another troll in front of another case yeah so you had
00:55:26
all this oh you know Ramage yeah and also I had this poor self-image I was sober yeah you know I was in going to a
00:55:34
meetings and you know the first woman woman to ever had sex with me really
00:55:40
that wanted to have sex with me is when I was 23 I had prostitutes before that
00:55:49
when I was 17 I've been doing that but I remembered it distinctly I was during at The Comedy Store La
00:55:55
Jolla time out the prostitutes before that were Tijuana yeah yeah go ahead I
00:56:01
just wanna graph is this you know I feel like this is I feel so shameful about this whole thing why you shouldn't feel
00:56:06
any shame but I know what is I've talked about it before it's way back there it's in the past who cares okay I remember it
00:56:16
I was Doering on a Saturday night yeah and there was a white chick in the front row and it back then if you were a
00:56:23
doorman at the Comedy Store on a Saturday you get to host one of the shows right to door men I think I still
00:56:29
do that I don't they might yeah but um so I always did the second show and I
00:56:35
remember having a that was a new comic but I accidentally had a really good set
00:56:40
and then it was when Princess Diana died oh how fun I was so good and there was a
00:56:47
girl that was visibly a beautiful girl that was visibly shaken by Princess Diana she was crying
00:56:53
oh sure why are you crying you know when the showroom is leaving right because I
00:56:58
had to close out the show so imagine she's in the front row I get offstage the show rooms getting up and we just
00:57:04
kind of get bundled together Charcot why you crying she's died thing
00:57:09
is really and I go oh I hope you have I rubbed her back and I said I hope you have a good you know mean now I hope you
00:57:16
feel better you know like some insel [ __ ] mm-hmm desperate [ __ ] yeah
00:57:21
you're right yeah and then I'm [ __ ] cleaning toilets you know I mean
00:57:26
afterwards yeah at the store just with a mop you know man and Fred burns lay these
00:57:34
are matters or the club I go what your phone call and I go hello and she goes
00:57:41
hey how was that girl um that was that you said about the princess diet I go yeah did you lose it oh your wallet what
00:57:47
what do you not um you want to hook up I go what what do you mean a job offer
00:57:55
like I had no idea right and the next thing I know two days later I'm 69
00:58:01
hanger and her mom's closet in Oceanside California I'm literally her ass I'm eating her
00:58:06
[ __ ] right how funny I'm in a closet and I'm looking up and couldn't believe it how old are you 23 Wow and then from
00:58:14
then on right I used so that's when all that prostitution stopped for me when
00:58:20
you got a real girl no when I started doing stand-up right you know and that one stand-up happened like you know I
00:58:26
did frank caliendo's podcast yesterday in a bunch of guys were like you always got hot chicks yeah since I've been
00:58:33
doing stand-up right before that no before because I didn't have a voice or it had no confidence I don't know who I
00:58:40
was always with this weird Korean dude you don't mean the way I talk the way I am imagine not having comedy you know I
00:58:47
mean as your backup at your foundation and just me be me but being a busboy at
00:58:53
PF Changs you'd be like that's unfuckable [ __ ] yeah but every but every someone's for
00:58:59
everybody you see some really ugly people they said I'm not ugly I'm cute as [ __ ] but my point is is that you said
00:59:05
you felt I felt it but then by doing comedy and then you know you know when
00:59:11
you get successful and things happen you slowly have a different image of yourself right and then all of a sudden
00:59:18
I honestly feel as sexy Chris D'Elia or anybody else you do I do
00:59:24
your sex level is as high as that guys no not in terms of ratio you know mean
00:59:30
but what I'm saying in terms of how I feel about myself yeah is like that that's great I don't I don't look in the
00:59:36
mirror and go anymore like oh look at this [ __ ] weirdo I go yeah you go
00:59:41
[ __ ] yeah yeah Wow and that's over that's because for over 20 years I've
00:59:48
been doing this that's a great place to be and I've built my confidence up and I've um you know you feel you feel super
00:59:57
you feel comfortable that's what it is which is comfortable I feel like but you ever look at kalila naked when you're
01:00:02
naked yeah get out of here she can't hear this stuff you can do you guys ever
01:00:08
see each other naked you ever look at her naked and you're like wow and then do you ever have a moment of like oh boy
01:00:13
oh boy one cuz you look at you and you know just different never never she's in
01:00:18
phenomenal shape no I mean I'll the other day I like she wasn't there but I was erect I just pulled my dick out in
01:00:25
front of her she didn't the broad daylight right you know man right what did she I sent you the photo right
01:00:30
I do remember that she sent me the photo too I know she did yeah you both you both sent me the photo look and I was I
01:00:37
wasn't criticizing the prostitute thank you I'd like to know if the fans want to answer how many prostitutes they've had that'd be kind of nice water I don't
01:00:44
advocate I don't advocate anybody doing that Yeah right but you know why not but
01:00:52
be if you're in unrequited relationships all the time yeah right and you in and sex becomes especially when you're a
01:00:59
young man in your early 20s and it becomes you know mean such a you you you
01:01:04
build it up right yeah and you make it like you know your number one priority it's the only thing that matters right
01:01:10
what I did was I somebody or this old
01:01:15
guy once told me that prostitution is a launching pad I think Oh prostitution is
01:01:25
a launching pad yeah I feel like that phrase isn't over it is over yeah I know I mean it's I know I go I asked him then
01:01:31
he goes yeah just because you know once you started having sex right it doesn't become as important
01:01:38
right and it'll ease you into you know mean other relationship you'll be more
01:01:43
comfortable more comfortable basically it's training wheels yeah yeah it's also arm you know you think if you're already
01:01:50
having it yeah right then it doesn't become as you know mean did you ever
01:01:56
fall in love with a prostitute did you ever catch feelings no you never caught feelings once no never once did
01:02:02
you go man I really actually kind of like this girl no wow no did they ever
01:02:09
catch feelings for you do you ever have one that was like kind of attached to you and wanted to see you a lot I've had
01:02:15
women that should be prostitutes and feelings for me yeah yeah I've had some
01:02:22
weird really weird [ __ ] man yeah yeah
01:02:28
like like I can't see her name part there was this girl that used to work at the column just like hang out at the Comedy Store
01:02:33
mm-hm and like for years I hit on her when I was around know
01:02:38
okay before your time and then the time I hooked up with her she bit my [ __ ]
01:02:43
thigh so hard while she was but like after she was blowing you like she was kissing me and then she just bit me not
01:02:50
so [ __ ] hard here that he started bleeding I still came sure
01:02:56
yeah afterwards but then afterwards I was like what the [ __ ] she was like I
01:03:01
was just into it you know after I came yeah right so I was doing it and bleeding you know mean and she doing it
01:03:07
why did you do that you know and so you know you just weird [ __ ] you know yeah
01:03:14
you've been through that you've been through it on oh my god I'm just so fascinated I want to know I want to know like how the I just want to
01:03:24
know how like that world works where you get comfortable with prostitutes mmm cuz this isn't it uncomfortable no it's not
01:03:30
even a little bit no don't you get afraid what if you're afraid of the cops you're afraid of getting caught what if it's a sting you know they have those
01:03:36
bust operations you ever seen on than on shows it's like a fat bald guy and in the prostitutes in a wig it's so
01:03:41
obviously not a real prostitute and they're next door in a motel knowing we're gonna bust happen to be my [ __ ]
01:03:46
that's what happen with Mike Young and they kick boy well what you and Mike I told you that no oh [ __ ] man what happened so one night it
01:03:55
was like we're at the Comedy Store yeah and it's 3:00 in the morning okay
01:04:00
yeah this is probably in 2001 okay okay
01:04:07
mm yeah and we were looking through the LA Weekly or whatever or the rally we
01:04:12
read or whatever it's called right where the other prostitutes yeah and we're like how much money do you have and I had just booked a commercial
01:04:19
in the commercial money it just came in yeah what was the commercial it was a El Pollo Loco El Pollo Loco got yeah I see
01:04:26
we're headed dance like a chicken in the street it was one of those commercials where um we're like you know it's just
01:04:33
everyday life right yeah where the cop pulls over you mean the kid from the [ __ ] bench gets up the cop gets out
01:04:41
of the car you know I mean people just start wandering the street and we all start doing the chamber I remember I
01:04:47
lived in Silver Lake and I remember the cholos right yeah would see me and go hey there's the guy and they would do
01:04:53
the ya know that's that's wonderful yeah but so um yeah so one night we look at
01:05:01
this week and a week whatever it is and we find a girl and we call it and it was
01:05:10
there was a hotel on Sunset like a Best Western yeah it's a Best Western right there yeah and so she just you know
01:05:18
we're we're here but this is where it this room it's like right across the street right and and Mike and I go over
01:05:26
there and we see the room and then we see the curtain open you can see two men
01:05:35
in the curtain white dudes right older look up and then when they kind of see
01:05:42
us and they put that shade back down right why you whirling no no I'm saying
01:05:47
cuz because you know what's going on so I'm like what the [ __ ] shady and Mike goes I'm out I'm not
01:05:54
we got try right yeah and you go wouldn't you do it
01:06:00
so he sat on the sunset and I walked up there I knocked on the door and there
01:06:05
was a woman there she there was a little Latino a little older yeah and she did not look like a prostitute
01:06:11
he's right she's doing a row right yeah I mean and she kind of looked you know she's smoking like a congresswoman right
01:06:17
that's what she look like you know made and I go you cop and she just looked at
01:06:23
me and I just walked away she didn't say a word no yeah goodbye mm-hmm crazy yeah you
01:06:31
almost got [ __ ] busted could you imagine what that does well getting caught with that I mean [ __ ] you yeah
01:06:37
just I think that would [ __ ] you up yeah I think that would have [ __ ] me up at the time that would [ __ ] you up yeah yeah I can't you'd been on mad I
01:06:44
think I was just on it yeah yeah no I don't think I think that would that would have stung so bad yeah so do you
01:06:50
ever think about that when you get part when you got prostitutes back and they did you think about cops or no but you think that you think okay number one all
01:06:56
right I had never gotten an LA one the only way we would we would do um I can't
01:07:03
say the names but we would we would do lunch runs what do you mean so I would
01:07:08
have when you were working at the club no there would be comics that would call when you would text yeah and you would
01:07:14
they would say lunch run right yeah and you always you always knew what lunch
01:07:20
run man yeah kurz right right so there was a place in the City of Industry
01:07:26
right so sad called Hawaii theatre the best sounds
01:07:31
terrible it's terrible yeah and you walk in the Hawaii theatre and it's there's a these it's black box he kind of you know
01:07:38
yeah but there was like a nice stage with bamboo and coconut dangling yeah
01:07:45
and it's like this makeshift kind of strip club but it was a you know a brothel and it'd been there for years
01:07:52
like people knew about that play it's not no longer there right but so we would either go there or we go to Mexico
01:07:57
or I would do it in Las Vegas Vegas is the most common yeah but Vegas feels
01:08:04
forceful because it's a part of the game out there who cares dude it's it it's a business exchange sure but if it
01:08:10
but it should but to get look to get caught and get in the paper and have
01:08:16
your name and all that stuff that's that's just that legal right in Vegas or in in Nevada and not in the city yeah
01:08:21
yeah but it's you know so Mike Mike I got taken by somebody who I won't mention to a I got taken by to a really
01:08:28
nice nightclub right strip club yeah trip club night club whatever Vegas is all the same and
01:08:36
someone I'm with is jokingly saying like he's on a TV show no and this is when I
01:08:42
first did I'm dying up here the first season and and and she's like you know these two really beautiful women all
01:08:48
around us all this stuff and they have a table and she'd they're both like come upstairs with us and they're prettier
01:08:54
than any of the girls at that they're like the two hottest girls and I go upstairs and you know I'm up there and I'm thinking another it's gonna give me
01:09:00
a double dance it'll be fun you know I'm getting a dance and I'm gonna do wife gonna be mad at this no okay no it's
01:09:05
fine strip clubs are fine so it's like they're getting a dance I'm thinking that okay and then the one
01:09:10
girls like hey you want to have like real fun and I was like mmm this is fun it seems like real fun yeah and she's
01:09:17
like no no no [ __ ] that [ __ ] like we know you're on TV he told us so-and-so told us like you're a TV you got money let's have some fun
01:09:22
let's [ __ ] spend some money who gives a [ __ ] and I was like no no Nona and she goes look a thousand dollars for both of
01:09:29
us and anal anal I know like it was tire
01:09:37
shine like it was like it's like you know those like it was so she she said
01:09:50
and anal and I said oh no I'm not trying to I'm not trying to have sex and she's like come on come on come on I go I just want the answers I want so I give him a
01:09:55
couple hundred dollars getting a dance getting dancers keep dancing they keep beg and bugging me for i bugged me for i bugged me for and then finally she like
01:10:01
grabs my dick and she's like let's go don't be such a [ __ ] [ __ ] and I was like I don't I don't want I don't want
01:10:06
to have sorry man I don't want to know no when I said that go ahead what now if
01:10:12
it was like if you were if you didn't if you weren't if I was single and you were single now studying weren't prostitutes
01:10:18
would you a [ __ ] them out regular style well yeah okay if I was singing those two girls in a club yeah yeah yeah yeah but by the way
01:10:24
in a Vegas thing that would have been prostitutes no matter what yeah cuz they would have [ __ ] they woulda been like we need some money mmm and then I'd be like what are you
01:10:30
talking about and then a big black guy would walk in like they need their money yeah oh [ __ ] okay here's some money no
01:10:35
but I just I didn't I was like no I'm out but when I said I don't want to have sex cuz you can't say it you can't use that language at strip clubs you know that
01:10:42
right once you start talking about expletives then they're like hey hey hey hey hey right you have to use code right right so they
01:10:49
stood up and freaked out and left the room and then one of the bouncer guys one of the big black dudes walks in he's
01:10:54
oh let's go you out let's go to you yeah and they kick me my cuz I would I mean they they were like strong-arming
01:11:01
me to [ __ ] and I was like I don't wanna I don't wanna I don't want to I mean I wanted to but I wasn't caught you know I mean I was like of course I want to [ __ ]
01:11:07
these two trash bags but like no I of course no I don't want to I don't want to no thank you but a thousand bucks for
01:11:13
two plus the butts is pretty nice isn't it one time I was in the Bellagio and I masturbated just in the middle of the
01:11:20
casino what and I remember Ike Barinholtz grabbing my hair and dragging
01:11:25
me out of the for you wasted is the this is so I had been sober for 12 years yeah
01:11:31
and then I had relapsed when I got on that TV in Vegas well no not in Vegas
01:11:36
why were you going to Vegas with a bunch of MADtv people went out there okay right and you know I had never done
01:11:42
ecstasy before it's so fun right yeah after 12 years right had never had never
01:11:47
done it so I did it and I just found myself just wanting to masturbate in public oh yeah yeah and then he I
01:11:53
remember him dragging me by my hair to get you out of getting out of the hotel were you still jerking off as he dragged
01:11:58
you I think my pants were like he's so funny what a crazy [ __ ] City man so
01:12:06
you watch 90-day fiance love all right so when we watch it I always tell her right cuz you know I'm
01:12:12
Edie and that Rose loved that right at a dinner oh yeah I always tell that [ __ ] her I go you're [ __ ] lucky
01:12:18
aren't you Yeah right you could have been Rose yeah you could have been [ __ ] Rose did you see the pictures of Eid when he was
01:12:24
young no was he caught what was he hot dude let me see
01:12:32
edie from 90 day fiancé when I was young if you guys know I'm talking about he's mayonnaise head he got they call Mayo
01:12:38
head look at this this is Ed when he was young they posted these pictures online this is him when he was young
01:12:45
look at that good-looking dude right there right there's two more that are better with neck the neck hold on
01:12:50
there's what there's tears - those aren't so easy the neck hold on hold on well this is him look at this is him
01:12:56
with male huh this is big Edie putting mayo in his [ __ ] hair yeah that's Mayo hedad yeah look at that neck yeah it's
01:13:03
as if like he got to a car accident in his head to hit the windshield and it didn't break you know like it just
01:13:08
squished him down yeah but look there's there's young I want to find these young pitchers they got revealed online somebody that he's friends with on his
01:13:15
personal Facebook page apparently put up these old photos mmm look a look a look this is him right there that's it right
01:13:20
there look at this look at that [ __ ] photo of this guy oh [ __ ] hold on look at how good-looking he is right there
01:13:26
you're right is he good-looking yeah crazy good-looking back then yeah dude
01:13:31
that's a good-looking [ __ ] guy that's it surprise that [ __ ] amazed at the shame gawking that's the same guy Wow
01:13:38
right and then this is him - they have one more another Wow one more he's holding his daughter in one of these
01:13:44
when she's young yeah there it is and look at that the neck isn't as bad by the way we
01:13:50
shouldn't look at his legs though well look at him now this is what I look like
01:13:55
when I'm taking a [ __ ] yeah when I'm taking a [ __ ] that's what I look like sweating straining folding
01:14:00
this is also when my penis looks like when I get out of water you know what's
01:14:06
sad about that show it's the it's the catfish ones like that black ladies so
01:14:11
many of them are Yolanda yo Mike or that one way yo and her boyfriends name is it's like a plural
01:14:17
it's like Matthews yeah Matthews what is it yeah or that one guy that went to the
01:14:24
Ukraine right cuz he's seven years he hadn't met the woman seven [ __ ] years
01:14:29
he still thinks she's coming out of the wood this guy's never met this girl and yeah seven years later he thinks she's a boy what he spent $100,000 on just a
01:14:37
[ __ ] a sight yeah yep right he all my video no video videos right only
01:14:43
personal only Chad Chad yeah only chat oh if I was his friend but but here's the problem
01:14:50
you can't tell a guy like that yeah you can you can't oh you can no because a guy like that thinks there thinks there
01:14:56
was hope no no what would you say I'm him ready and I'm yeah okay I'm him ready like
01:15:01
what's up Bob you wanted to meet today yeah dude I'm number one all right I don't even know why I'm friends with you doing what we've been
01:15:08
friends since we're I just can't understand that but we're friends right are we not we're best buds as far as okay yeah and I love you right I love
01:15:13
you too right see this at my hand yeah it's called a gun oh my gosh yeah what do you have if
01:15:19
you get on the [ __ ] flight I'm gonna [ __ ] kill you dude all right gotta catch my flight I mean just somebody's
01:15:25
got tits talk sense he doesn't have family members that just to pin him down and you're the problem bro these you guys never had anything
01:15:31
they never had any they never had love so they think this could be the one these guys never had a normal
01:15:38
interaction with a woman this guy thinks this is the one time he's gonna finally win that's heartbreaking
01:15:44
it's so [ __ ] heartbreak I can't not stop watching I have to watch I have to and you know who my favorite you know
01:15:50
and they watch when they be we're not caught up so we were lit with how many episodes Willy four episodes then okay well how about this you know I should go
01:15:56
there's another show where they watch the other members can't pass members watch the show from bet you've seen that
01:16:01
yeah I've seen that yeah and then my favorite one is what I can't read he's that he's the fat Buddha belly guy and
01:16:06
she's the Filipino girl let that like you know there are my [ __ ] she makes me laugh so hard
01:16:12
yeah she has a good comment for everything yeah the show is phenomenal if you haven't seen it people at home you should watch it watch it yeah it's
01:16:18
we're totally caught up with this guy too you know the all these guys are I feel bad for almost everybody okay so
01:16:24
that guy said that guy right there right yeah this got to make his whole claim his old claim is like she's using me
01:16:30
that's that yes yeah I'm sorry that ain't a [ __ ] exchange that's the show
01:16:37
we all know what this exchange is right I can't get you know mean I can't get
01:16:43
what I need Nene you can hear you need you want to come here right swap it up we [ __ ] swap
01:16:49
it up all right you give me push pause right now give you cards she thinks
01:16:54
she's citizenship yeah who gives a [ __ ] yeah well that's like we don't care in America when an old it's a young woman it's the same thing
01:17:00
it's a it's a trade off yeah they get what they need it's right I don't think I think that this dude right here that
01:17:07
Suzy the Russian guys they get girls here well so what is his deal then why does it good news because he's
01:17:12
good-looking is this guy good-looking no no but he's not ugly no he's not ugly
01:17:19
but he's what he's okay he's okay yeah but he there was a girl in his hometown
01:17:24
that she's like yeah I mean and he's like I'm gay and I have to run away
01:17:31
because I have to hide the fact that I wore no it's just that it's like it's too easy no I don't think that's it I
01:17:36
think he's got some weird he needs it I think he needs a I think you need he
01:17:43
needs a control thing uh she gets here right that's very bright yeah thank you
01:17:50
control it's a control thing yeah the other girl is a real relationship she can leave at any time all right this guy gets his girl to
01:17:56
America she's stuck there stuck yeah by the way to go through this process yeah they have to live together for a certain
01:18:02
amount of time they have to prove that they're staying together for a certain amount of time otherwise she lose the sister ship so he knows and she knows
01:18:08
they both have to weigh all these like elements out she's not dumb so she's like I still want to get to the States I
01:18:13
don't care what it takes he can be like why I might get drunk and hit her one time she can't leave she
01:18:18
can't leave especially I wanted to tell her through the screen it's like it's not as if he lives in Nashville where
01:18:25
does he live he lives in Tennessee but like in the boondocks a little bit yeah right so I wanted to say that you know
01:18:32
me lady it's just woods out there or usually that's where he can kill you yeah this is the girl that you were
01:18:38
talking about rose that's right I always look at [ __ ] Giuliana looks like Roy
01:18:43
no I know and I go you got here right without any of this [ __ ] yeah you should
01:18:48
be grateful are you grateful yeah that's pretty impressive that does kind of look like you a little bit yeah
01:18:56
when you smile let me see her smile look at that smile yeah do that same face that she's doing there it is that's it
01:19:03
right there yeah yeah but the thing is is um like this - it's like when he was asking her about
01:19:09
like I want you to take an STD test yeah he asked her he wanted to test it bro you're not you haven't had [ __ ] in
01:19:15
a decade get a little bump it's on your dick who cares who [ __ ] cares love bumps an itch also an STD test he goes I
01:19:23
want you to take an STD taste to make sure that you weren't with other partners yeah how about you take a test cuz you're just gonna say that what if
01:19:30
he yeah but also why doesn't Egypt why wouldn't you just if she said no if he
01:19:37
said would you know about your sexual status she said no why would you Scott wall just will just wear a condom man and if she was like I don't want to wear
01:19:42
a condom then just go okay well then we should just get tested no [ __ ] her no
01:19:47
condom I'm agreeing I'm saying if it was that big of a deal to this guy yeah what was he scared when you look like that
01:19:52
Yeah right and you have a 23 year old girl mayo add throw throw the dice I
01:20:00
like the guy I gotta tell you I do not be in I mean he's a very likable guy the whole show is filled with very fun
01:20:05
lovable people yeah I just liked it I just feel bad sometimes for Rose I know
01:20:11
I feel bad for these girls cuz I know like when they when he goes to kiss her yeah it gave me the chills and what I
01:20:17
feel bad is that way they it's like when a serial killer like pets the victims head before they kill them yeah it gave me chills in my chest yeah it's
01:20:24
also like I feel bad that when she's like on the bottom and he's on top and she wants to put his she goes I want to
01:20:31
put my hand around his neck he asks her Oh put your hands around my body and she
01:20:39
can't she doesn't know which part is what I can't cuz its neck in his stomach
01:20:45
exactly I can't you're a bowling pin yeah Wow hey do you want to hear um do
01:20:52
you want to hear our boy undressed he is got material do you want to hear it yeah oh he's unavailable Wow
01:20:58
yeah that's a ton of the nerve out of this guy yeah let's let's call this
01:21:04
[ __ ] and see what he's got to say for himself
01:21:09
look at how nervous you're gonna make him Bob yell at him Bob seriously get
01:21:15
really upset hello hey dude it's Bobby
01:21:22
hey he what the [ __ ] I do not work for us yes I did
01:21:27
they're one-way [ __ ] call you're not gonna [ __ ] up pick up your foot that [ __ ] line dude what do you mean yep
01:21:34
yep oh no we tried to [ __ ] hook up with you on on the on line on the under
01:21:40
to do the stand-up a dude what the [ __ ] man uh-huh we're [ __ ] shooting now
01:21:45
you [ __ ] the guy three throwing at my
01:21:51
computer blindly waiting for you Bobby what we that's what you [ __ ] say but
01:21:57
we [ __ ] I mean I get it do but you got to be more on the ball dude yeah
01:22:13
[Applause] we're gonna do the stand-up next week do
01:22:19
you want to do it this week okay no we'll do it next week because I want him to dude Bobby was joking around Andres I
01:22:25
just want you to be more natural and not do like bump bump jokes and just talk about you know I'm in your day what do
01:22:35
you say I don't know what he's saying what do you say what do you say he's a
01:22:41
good set I want to see I want to hear it let's do it Andres I'm gonna call you and then we'll
01:22:46
do the video okay okay right oh you want me to I'll FaceTime
01:22:52
you I'll FaceTime your phone okay okay okay hey Andres yeah say I love you I
01:23:01
love you guys okay we'll call you right now you really that [ __ ] hurt his
01:23:06
feelings in the weirdest way Andres the fancy beer or Sunday okay here we go
01:23:17
there yeah look at our sweet sweet boy hi bud hey buddy oh we can't hear you
01:23:26
why can't we hear you over that hairline can you hear us no no this is funny yeah
01:23:39
he said it was Mike give us a thumb up a thumbs up if you can hear us oh yeah we
01:23:45
can't hear you doc we can't hear you no I'll tell you when we can hear you
01:23:51
how long do you think we could do this for and the audience will watch us trying to connect with him if you know
01:23:57
do you think they're already gone yeah all right let's okay oh and race and race we have a fix because it's not
01:24:03
working so stand back a little bit and then stand right there and put the mic up to your mouth and then we'll do the
01:24:09
know a little bit yeah right there and then we'll do the jokes for you and you just mouth it okay here we go I'm
01:24:18
andreas eye from Spain how's everybody
01:24:24
doing tonight I hope everybody if you just keep moving your [ __ ] mouth
01:24:30
Andres how's everybody doing tonight so listen I just got back from traveling
01:24:35
overseas and boy are my arms tired and my immune system because of coffee ha ha
01:24:44
this guy knows this guy this guy in the front right here this guy I'm pointing to right now he knows what I'm talking
01:24:49
about ha ha ha I'm Spanish and that there's difference between Spanish and Mexican we only fry our beans once we don't
01:24:58
refry it twice that was good [ __ ] I'm sad I'm sad we
01:25:04
can't hear any of these jokes I don't know why the mic isn't working but we wanted to hear all these jokes you had prepared what happened we can't hear you
01:25:11
yeah poor bastard alright well anyways thank
01:25:20
you thank you we love you we're sorry that this didn't work we'll get you next week Bobby says sorry and thank you he
01:25:25
was kidding tell him your kid I love you Andre I really do I love this guy we love you baby is a good dude hi sweetheart I just I
01:25:33
also want to mention that yeah you know my agent said that we probably won't be
01:25:39
going on the road until 2021 and how do you feel about that super bummed actually we we you and I
01:25:46
had a little talk off the air about it I don't want to spread rumors to make people get weirded out yeah but I think
01:25:52
the truth of the unfortunate truth of that Bob and I talked about is we were gonna do shows together you know I mean
01:25:58
we we had gigs lined up with Kalin and shop yeah we were just gonna do and do a tour with just us and that we that
01:26:05
wasn't gonna be till maybe beginning in the year next year anyway but now it's we're gonna have to see what happens but
01:26:11
I don't know man I really don't think we're gonna be doing anything until next year hey Jules when we do go on the road
01:26:17
though you know that if them him and I go on the road yeah that you have to go yeah you're coming you have to sell merch and also all the fans will know
01:26:24
who you are yeah you do have to come you have to come will you we'll fly you out look at your hotel room you look like a
01:26:31
[ __ ] Queen yeah we get you'll fly out you have a nice hotel you had to eat and drink whatever you want
01:26:40
that's insane what are you gonna learn from school that you can't learn from us tell me something you're learning right
01:26:46
now that you don't think I could teach you biology chemistry biology yeah okay
01:26:57
what hey ways and burners by biology the
01:27:02
Bunsen Oh what are you learning right now in biology what's one thing you're learning right now gene mutation I have
01:27:12
one red hair that's a gene mutation or [ __ ] it what x-men x-men that's another gene x-men you had to watch planet Earth with Attenborough's
01:27:19
David Attenborough okay so we got that covered what else got that done history go ahead oh man have you ever seen I was
01:27:28
frozen it was when the you that's when everything was frozen and we were chasing the Russians because they we
01:27:34
wanted to get to the moon first right watch East Eastern Promises whatever that movie's term promises where they [ __ ] stab it and [ __ ]
01:27:41
spas yeah you need that what else is there something else you're learning yeah well covered so you're coming with
01:27:47
us I'm honest okay we do five up top Oh a five-step standard if we write Joe true you will you open the show we know
01:27:56
you what you won't do it yeah how about this if you open by closer to the mic Jules [ __ ] if you open the show for us
01:28:03
we'll give you five hundred dollars and all you have to do is walk out open the
01:28:08
show how many people would you think would be on our Charles who knows after all this [ __ ] [ __ ] we probably do we
01:28:15
could help me draw about a six hundred a thousand thousand maybe who knows yeah I don't know so only a thousand people
01:28:21
would be there that's not a lot that's fine we could do a smaller one just just try it out at first fifty room yeah 250
01:28:27
or 300 which I don't want to do that
01:28:33
she's sweating can you let's we'll give you a Bible games right that you write a
01:28:39
joke yeah you will write the jokes but I don't know I know but the thing is is
01:28:45
that you have to go in knowing that you're not gonna get them to laugh right you know it's gonna be you already know it's people already gonna know that it's
01:28:52
gonna be your first time and that they already know that right so no matter what happens who cares yeah who gives a [ __ ] don't
01:29:00
you think that's fine you're gonna do it
01:29:06
and you're gonna [ __ ] you're gonna get paid you're gonna be performer we could get you some spots at the store too No
01:29:13
so hopefully we'll be able to go on the road if we but we'd go on the road in the summer you could go on the road god
01:29:19
I hope but wait a minute aren't you done isn't school done for you no she's in school now no I mean I'm saying but when
01:29:26
is it over when are you done yeah but inmate she's only a junior oh I thought
01:29:32
you were I thought you were last year oh [ __ ] yeah but you're 18 are you senior
01:29:39
when you're right let me she's Philippine she's from the Philippines oh so you're older and cool is does everybody love that in your class was
01:29:44
that cool that you're older than them they don't know they don't know today did they do you have a lot of good
01:29:50
friends in school no she's like that's quiet you know she's she's that quiet mysterious girl she's very nice and
01:29:57
sweet you know she's just kind you know but did you miss Ally Sheedy and like in Breakfast Club yeah man
01:30:04
do you make any good friends in school do you have any good friends I know like people but girls all girls um two guys
01:30:11
and one girl Jesus Christ Bobby what are you letting her to she's not this girl isn't you're not you know boys are
01:30:17
trying to date are they trying to date you they better not because you know Tito you know it'll [ __ ] hang on what killed Tito [ __ ] murder these two alpha so
01:30:24
the two boys and the girl are they are they American are they foreign do you have any foreign friends good stay away
01:30:31
from them yeah if you want it you want to succeed and don't think about it Jules but you will be going on the road
01:30:36
with us and when you can no doubt can and then you'll sell merch right yeah
01:30:41
you could tell your teacher it's like a like an internship yeah it is so you can get out of she'll do it because at this
01:30:48
point if you're gonna continue to do this right people are gonna know who you are yeah and you're a part of the show
01:30:54
now okay yeah because we got the vote we got literally there was a poll that I
01:31:00
didn't even put up ninety eight point six percent of people preferred you over George no really yeah yeah ninety eight
01:31:08
ninety eight point six in that seat they said they think you're doing it from now on you know that right yeah get closer
01:31:13
to the mic right you're doing this from now on right okay or let's thank you for
01:31:19
being a hey yeah two things yeah
01:31:24
love you love you too thank you for being a bad friend [Music]
01:31:39
you
