00:00:00
when I was there fighting him [ __ ] Koreans yeah I got to tell you I came down from a tough chopper mission yeah
00:00:06
one of them little nice Korean birds she fed fed me some some what she called was
00:00:10
techo she said tuck Oh yeah well yeah you whole goody starving what is that DC is a meat loaf
00:00:19
oh I love me some [ __ ] meat level oh thank you so much what's your name young
00:00:23
oh nice to meet you gone [Music] [Laughter] [Music] I feel we're back we're back we're back
00:00:58
we're back oh thank God thank God we're back because um I haven't left the house
00:01:03
in five [ __ ] days rah kalila kept you in jail she acts like it's 1939 Poland
00:01:10
don't go outside they'll see you hide under the floorboards the Germans are here though yeah it's
00:01:18
it's it's she's act I know George is a Nazi with 100% should we she's sexy recorder it's like
00:01:25
shotgun you know I mean and like the blue apron guy comes up to the driveway right leave it up that's what she's
00:01:32
doing that's what she's doing it's just it's out of control and you're freaking
00:01:36
out she's acting Craig are you getting any sleep no sleep yeah it's like it
00:01:41
it's she's acting out like it's the end of the world look at your gloves by the
00:01:45
way lift up let's just show the camera why yeah look at how dirty that is yeah
00:01:48
it's all corona it's all corona and then you see did you see the girl licking the
00:01:54
toilet seat air on the airplane hope she dies did you watch it yeah it's dumb
00:01:58
it's fun [ __ ] real it's unreal and I mean it I have to say this too and I
00:02:05
hope I don't get in trouble you don't have to say something that's gonna get
00:02:09
me in very big trouble is so I had a conversation with our dear friend Eric Griffin which is a dear friend of mine
00:02:16
he's like one of my best friends if like you know he's like a brother yeah is he not yeah so we're talking
00:02:23
today on the phone is I I'm like yeah I'm worried because I smoke I'm getting
00:02:28
older in 40 a he's like and I go I once the corona virus hits me I think I'm
00:02:32
gonna be one of those casualties he goes yeah that definitely dude you for sure he's like me I've been taking vitamins
00:02:39
and I'm you know I mean I know mac and cheese are vitamins you know because me I'm fine taking my hormone
00:02:47
pills my vitamins I go if I die Eric you're gonna die all right as soon as Crona fire hits your body
00:02:55
gone love's gonna squirt out of your black Kitty's Chocolat chaud chocolate
00:03:01
let's get a squirt off he's just gonna his eyes gonna roll back he's gonna go into convulsions he's
00:03:05
gonna die and he nicely Eric Griffith I love you bro but don't tell me that you're [ __ ] Carl Lewis
00:03:11
because you're not alright if he if you die he dies land oh by the way that's
00:03:16
why I did this you can see my facial hair this is in this is uh this is because Eric shaved his did you see Eric
00:03:22
with this did you see this yes let's show that let's show our viewer I know
00:03:27
Eric Griffin shaved his mustache for those that haven't seen it okay first of
00:03:32
all this has been Eric since I've known him yeah he's had a mustache since I've
00:03:36
since 1932 I said that 32 he's a mustache and now yeah I think it's got to be maybe on his on his Instagram he
00:03:44
shaved his mustache and I look at this [ __ ] oh my god no upper lip look at that's thinner than mine yeah you
00:03:53
know why he forgot the reason why he grew it in the first place is to hide the ugly right when you through grow a
00:04:01
[ __ ] thick mustache like that is to hide something well you have to yeah okay look at that Brad Williams what did
00:04:06
your coronavirus do here must have no he knows we love them together I just can't
00:04:14
believe look at those look it's a cartoon nose so look at those look at those nose hairs are really trying to
00:04:21
poke out on ya like Disney animation made that nose folks right that's like from somebody's imagination yeah it's
00:04:31
bad what did you what did you you could do you guys go did you do grocery shopping or nothing
00:04:36
we're getting everything livered Amazon you know to delivery yeah you know and
00:04:41
then um so that I'd the other day I go I want chips just get me whatever kind of
00:04:45
chips right yeah she [ __ ] orders these [ __ ] hemp kale seed chips [ __ ] I'm a Doritos I want to read o's that's
00:04:56
the new app I want doritos that what nacho cheese [ __ ] is that what you get now hey whatever man it's like she's
00:05:03
getting all the stuff that she would eat you know right like [ __ ] that she's like
00:05:08
healthy you know I mean if we're gonna if miss apocalypse if we're gonna die
00:05:12
give me Twinkies yeah let me eat let me do we did that I went shot I bought the [ __ ] I never there's six
00:05:18
things a mac and cheese in my fridge there's the Kraft oh my god don't [ __ ]
00:05:23
with it there's four there's four there's four whatever let's move on no
00:05:34
no but why can't I think I have no idea because you're making it up let's know
00:05:37
we went to grocery shopping yesterday we bought we bought mac and cheese I thought big bags of beef jerky I
00:05:43
really liked before yeah yeah that's what I thought that's what was ruffles I
00:05:48
was trying to think of the name of the brand ruffles oh but I bought sour cream and cheddar which are her favorite yeah
00:05:54
my old bags favorite I bought all dressed which is Canadian do you know all dressed you don't you don't know all
00:05:59
dressed holy [ __ ] do you guys know all dressed all dressed is the most popular
00:06:03
brand in Canada it's salt sea salt and vinegar barbecue sauce yeah it's like
00:06:08
combining both of those chips it just seems like something that white people would like it is that's what we invented
00:06:13
almost everything so I'm gonna pass on it you're gonna what kind of you want
00:06:16
fish sauce no and the one you said earlier before the cameras were on I said we're hunkering down we're making
00:06:27
stuff and you just said out of the blue you said dog why would you say that cuz you said we're making we're making stuff
00:06:36
at the out of the blue I just said dog I know but no not as a term of endearment like my dog no you're my
00:06:42
buddy I don't think that that what is I did see that I think you did I did see a
00:06:46
video this morning a girl sent me of them cooking a live dog in China oh this video circulating now all the
00:06:53
[ __ ] up [ __ ] they're doing you know what it's like you know you've heard of
00:06:57
the Yulin dog eating festival yeah what the [ __ ] what did you place when you were over it what did you place were you
00:07:03
first or second or third they took the bronze yeah yeah because I wouldn't eat
00:07:08
that pitbull yeah you wouldn't know just too angry much yeah you know what I mean
00:07:12
of energy yeah I like I like Yorkshire Terriers oh they good so tender what's
00:07:18
the what's the softest now let me say something right now Yorkshire Terrier puppy yeah it's like sashimi is if you
00:07:25
if you if you kill a newborn Yorkshire Terrier right yeah you just slice when it's alive preferably you will you
00:07:32
can't kill him first because if you kill him the muscles get to lie so you got
00:07:35
you just have to like while they're alive right you slice open the belly they make it they make a sound what is
00:07:41
this and you just slice open like the belly meat oh my god that's right you drink the blood yes I do of course I do
00:07:52
because you know I'm a warrior but my point is is this is that we don't do
00:07:56
that I have three dogs at home and I love them more than other humans so that pit bit we just did was a job was a joke
00:08:03
you know dogs aren't dogs can't get it good they confirmed dogs can't get
00:08:08
Corona various huh cats I don't really care about cats even a little bit they
00:08:13
can get it in fact I hope every cat gets it okay I want to say this right now I hope every last me gets Corona you have
00:08:20
no you know what it is you you cats like Asians it's the same [ __ ] impression
00:08:30
no no no I want to see videos of cats online with Corona yeah yeah just a little leg and they're coughing here's
00:08:45
the thing you don't know about cat song go ahead do you ever live with one no
00:08:49
okay I would never but that's how I do so when I here's the deal no when I make
00:08:56
kalila I was the type of guy that if I saw any animal I mean I would speed up to hit to hit it I didn't give a [ __ ] a
00:09:08
dog I don't go [ __ ] right you want to kill the animal because I never know sup
00:09:13
that that is this I'd never knew the bond that you could have with an animal
00:09:17
that's right when you're not raised with it necessarily you're not gonna really
00:09:20
care right so what what happened was I met kalila my girlfriend on the Tinder's
00:09:28
and she I spent the night at her house one night and we had a she had a cat named Ming but it was a kitten it was
00:09:36
about this small and and I slept on her bed and Ming would sleep on my shoulder and I just wanted to
00:09:44
grab it and just squeeze the life out of ya what I don't know I just didn't like
00:09:48
him okay right but then one day kalila went out of town and I was living it on beechwood yeah and she goes um can
00:09:55
you take care of Ming for a week and I don't know what happened but being one
00:10:05
day I came home and she was just sitting there and she goes like welcome home and
00:10:11
I [ __ ] fell in love with this thing man she's like I love being more than most
00:10:18
of my cousin's like if my cousin Annie I don't I mean yeah if my cousin Andy died
00:10:24
yesin to me man yeah I am this is call me call you're my other cousin Carlton
00:10:29
tell me if Andy died call me hello hey Bob what's up dude why you so sad oh man you wanna buried it right yeah
00:10:51
Andy died all right okay well I'll talk to you later okay okay hang up yep PlayStation no I will probably have
00:11:06
tears but I would still play like think about them you know yeah I'm not gonna
00:11:10
stop the game but if being died it's it would I would be devastated for years so
00:11:15
Ming is gonna die and I'll be devastated if any of my cats have three cats if any
00:11:20
of them die I love them love them so much in that that the thing is is that you just don't know no I know cats you
00:11:26
don't know I don't like him I don't trust him they don't greet you the same
00:11:29
when you come home my dog is at the door wagging wagging her tail she's so excited to see me when the owner is
00:11:34
waiting for me my one of my middle cat is waiting for me at the door and where are the other two the other two are
00:11:40
hiding they're not hiding but the relaxing bro they're two different [ __ ] things
00:11:44
they do all that all they do all day is relax can you play fetch with a cat oh no you
00:11:48
can play other things what you can do the [ __ ] the laser okay that's fun as well friend cats are
00:11:55
always it's always a fat guys best friend you can laser from your fat couch no and
00:12:01
okay you can do one of the dangly things it hits no also can't you [ __ ] you
00:12:05
don't know nothing about cats here you don't have to take it for a walk did you
00:12:08
know this - it's like it catches a thinking man sanim and it poops inside did you know that people men who love
00:12:15
cats are more college-educated and smarter than the them where did that statistic the stats look at the stats
00:12:22
but look at Marlon Brando Marlon Brando bro a lot about us right yeah Sir Patrick Stewart's Durer Picard
00:12:30
nothing Picard he loves cats a bra okay yeah all great ooh there's plenty of
00:12:35
smart guys that love dogs yeah but it just statistically smarter people I'm not buying into this google it you
00:12:43
you're so fast at [ __ ] googling [ __ ] google it [ __ ] how could you have what
00:12:47
would I search tell me what would I search George was easy sir what could I even search what intelligence versus
00:12:57
processed owner versus dog owners versus dog yes this is gonna be some [ __ ] the research revealed that the owners
00:13:06
are the two animals have to have different personalities cat lovers being more sensitive and open-minded and then
00:13:11
dog loggers who are largely energetic that's right Carol University in Wisconsin cat owner scored highly on
00:13:16
intelligent than dog owners there we go but all shall we go but also more sensitive and what open-minded you're
00:13:31
that's what I told you about Bill O'Reilly earlier dude you're a closed-off angry man act fact oh look at
00:13:39
this a study by Carroll University also found that people who like cats in general tend to be total [ __ ] losers
00:13:48
that says it right in the study if you're more introverted and sensitive maybe you're more at home reading a book
00:13:56
and your cat doesn't wanna go outside for a walk and I just want to read a book and not go walk no I would get
00:14:01
outside you fat lazy piece of [ __ ] yeah get outside yeah go outside take a walk
00:14:07
you know what you are doing yeah in the movie look at me right now stop [ __ ] put
00:14:12
your fingers on that [ __ ] thing you know what you are bro yeah you ever see the movie War of the Worlds mm-hmm
00:14:16
you're the kind of guy that as soon as that thing [ __ ] hit right that you're
00:14:20
gonna go investigate the crater and then the machine comes out of Earth and you're gonna get it you need guys like
00:14:26
me dude yeah we're in the house heading our [ __ ] little [ __ ] you know kitten Yeah right and we're alive no
00:14:32
yeah you're angry yeah you need anger management there let me see how many people that fight in the
00:14:37
armed services are cat people versus dog people the people that defend this [ __ ] country yeah that's what I see
00:14:42
how many of them you're grunt are cat people that's fine none you why because they're grunting
00:14:47
somebody should be on the front line doing the aggressive let's get outside let's attack the day instead of just
00:15:01
pipe yeah smoking jacket fire right on my [ __ ] thing right that's what I am
00:15:09
from you [ __ ] idiot you guys are [ __ ] animals bro that's why you like dogs I like dogs those are best no the
00:15:18
bad they're not that the best yeah they're the best but actually but could
00:15:20
I say that 93 dogs and three cats right yeah I love both because I am both you're just one-dimensional I'm just a
00:15:30
dog yeah and you're I have a divinations right right I have all I'm very more
00:15:36
you're more well-rounded you're more well-rounded than I ended you're much
00:15:45
more well-rounded than I because I'm fat what because I'm circular in shape
00:15:48
that's not what I said okay anyway um I look like hands look iiiii don't hate cats this has all been a bit
00:15:56
I don't I don't want any inside of my house I don't like hair I don't like
00:16:00
hair and I don't like that they poop inside the another box but that's fun
00:16:03
disgusting it's inside your house all right it's what we do anyway what do you
00:16:07
do wrong for me you clean it yeah of course I clean that you [ __ ] it idiot okay so why not just do it outside what
00:16:14
I did was I created a [ __ ] cat door and I have an AK extra compartment outside that's enclosed that they pee
00:16:23
and poo you can smell it so they go outside in a you know like a shack that I had built okay
00:16:29
dad I'm cool with ya and that's what I did I love that you have to I think if
00:16:33
you don't have thumbs you have to poop outside that's my rule oh really you're so if you don't have thumbs you
00:16:37
have to poop outside that's my rule anyhoo my buddy mark has no thumbs I can't believe make him poop outside in
00:16:43
the yard anywho anywho last Thursday yeah it was crazy because so I called my agents Wednesday you know and I go
00:16:55
because I wouldn't Denver and I go I don't think I should go and you know
00:17:01
your agents you should go Bobby no one else's can't want to make money no one's canceling go you have to go and
00:17:07
I go because you sold out the rooms you know six shows yeah I should do the shows and you got to do it and I'm like
00:17:15
thinking you know I don't know if this could get crazy I should make the money
00:17:18
right so I fly over there and it's really one of the best comedy clubs ever yeah the Denver comedy I can't talk good
00:17:26
and I can't talk anymore good about it it oh really either it's one of the past
00:17:29
it's just structurally the staff everything the owner everything about it is perfect yeah but so I do the first
00:17:37
show but you know how its set up but you're on the stage and the audience is
00:17:41
around on the stage they're on the stage with you much so it's like it's not as
00:17:46
if you're like levitated above them and there's a gap you're like amongst them
00:17:51
so as soon as I walked out there I was like this it didn't feel right you get
00:17:56
nervous not just nervous it was just like what the [ __ ] am i doing and then in between shows Kevin Kristy and I am
00:18:02
eye-opener by the way our emcee there Georgia was amazing but anyway Georgia I forgot her last rook's I know she's
00:18:10
great is she a local in Denver yeah okay I don't know yeah and I turned to Kevin
00:18:15
I go we gotta get out of here and especially this is is that they were refunding tickets understandably yeah
00:18:24
but then I'm like if you're refunding the tickets then I'm not gonna make any
00:18:29
money you're gonna lose money yeah a lot of it right so then I just kind of went
00:18:34
I'm [ __ ] out here but it's crazy the fact that I even went out there in the
00:18:37
[ __ ] first one sued I'll give you that so I just got back from Chicago I canceled my
00:18:42
show this is the craziest part the governor Pritzker or the mayor or whatever of Chicago Pritzker said venues
00:18:51
with 250 or more they highly suggest this was then highly suggested not doing a show I got a call from my agent
00:18:57
they're like Live Nation says they're okay with you doing it it's up to you so
00:19:00
he put it on my shoulders oh you to do the show oh yeah Natalya Hall is like 600 something like
00:19:06
that just around 6:00 and I said okay so I'm doubling the rule already get sold
00:19:12
out yeah and I was like I'm doubling it was it was actually sold out way earlier
00:19:18
and I should have done two shows but but i but they put it on me and I was really
00:19:25
upset genuinely I'm not joking around I was like actually mad pacing in my mom's
00:19:28
living room because I was like well this is gonna be my fault if I do the show and something bad happens if a few
00:19:34
people come and get sick they're gonna write in the [ __ ] in the tribute Andrew Santino decides to put on a show
00:19:39
despite what's going on right in the city of Chicago why because all the other theaters are closed down the bars
00:19:44
and clubs were already starting to close down so then I was like well it's on me
00:19:47
so then I cancelled I put out a [ __ ] thing on Facebook being like hey I'm sorry
00:19:51
I can't do this like I just can't and most people are supportive cuz they get
00:19:58
it it's so funny that some people are like oh way to succumb to the [ __ ] media yeah you're like what are you out
00:20:04
of your [ __ ] mind I know you watch what you're saying now at this point forward huh
00:20:10
because you're gonna because there are people out there yeah that believe that
00:20:14
this is fake a liberal agenda and that the fake news which is you know CNN and SM they're [ __ ] morons don't what I
00:20:24
said watch what you're saying if you think this is fail yeah you're a [ __ ]
00:20:27
[ __ ] this is reai know but just ease it because some people have certain okay you know if you think this is fake no no
00:20:36
it's what you're so anyway hey what's a common issue men face but don't
00:20:42
always want to talk about it think hard and long Oh hard and long 40% of men by the age of 40 struggle for not
00:20:48
being able to get and maintain an erection well I do guys do you do you get softer you get harder I get you get
00:20:53
hard now let me see no whoa why do guys turn a weird solutions or do nothing when they can turn instead to medicine
00:21:02
and science expensive pills injections where no man wants an inject injection they don't want it no that's true for
00:21:08
hims calm is one-stop-shop for hair loss skin care sexual wellness for men I got
00:21:12
to tell you something I have not had trouble getting my peen hard but I have a lot of friends that do yeah
00:21:19
and I've had a good friend of mine who I cannot name Eric Griffin who's used this
00:21:24
for for him for his peen yeah and he says it gets him I mean hard as a stone he says it works unbelievably well and
00:21:31
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00:21:47
because it's embarrassing to go to a doctor's office a lot of people don't
00:21:49
want to go I understand that it's also I've been to these doctors huh and there
00:21:53
it's it's you know yeah yeah it's all old guys that have to drip EPP yeah so
00:21:59
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00:22:32
friends pawed bad friends pawed better help everybody better help you guys you know the last six months have been the
00:22:40
most grueling six months of my life psychologically my dad died I relapse and a lot of like past issues that I'd
00:22:48
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00:22:56
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00:23:50
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00:24:29
that we didn't cancel shows because we wanted to cancel the shows we cancelled
00:24:36
shows because you feel like you might be putting other people in danger or in harm's way and I don't want to be
00:24:41
responsible for other people being put in harm's way yeah so that's why I did
00:24:45
it Mumbai the way if you think we want to cancel shows and lose money what the [ __ ] or hope three months of
00:24:53
both of our tours are done that's our livelihood so it's not like I'm like
00:24:56
yeah [ __ ] them I don't care I'd rather just chill do the I want to do the
00:25:00
opposite I want to be in Boston right now yeah I want to be [ __ ] in Cincinnati next weekend that's not that
00:25:06
that's my biggest problem is people online saying [ __ ] making it up that it's not really that
00:25:12
is is that people don't realize is that you know I'm not D'Elia I'm not Chris D'Elia or Whitney Cummings
00:25:21
I don't have that kind of money right so I rely on going on the road and making
00:25:26
money I need to do it yeah right yeah you know and so I mean I'm so happy for
00:25:32
the two I just mentioned and they're very good people and you know they deserve you know I mean but I don't like
00:25:37
either I know but I need to go out there and I rely on road money yeah to survive
00:25:43
and so it's not an easy decision not to go I'm gonna go home yeah yeah yeah but
00:25:50
um I think in light of what's happening listen this thing probably isn't gonna
00:25:55
kill anyone in this room but mmm studies say that I hope that doesn't I mean why
00:26:02
did you say that because now they're gonna use this loop at our funeral is probably isn't gonna kill someone in
00:26:08
this room and then it's off music kicks in what's the space though it's the
00:26:12
fancy bean or that's gonna die if I get canceled for that say that no you said
00:26:20
fancy in front of it cuz Spanish Spanish people are fancy [ __ ] yeah vanish people they don't do coffee they drink
00:26:27
the ones with a little bit espresso the expresso yeah and he goes I am drinking espresso when I came in he was he was
00:26:35
whittling his own shoes that's how he's they're really talented those guys but
00:26:40
they say that like young people that get coronavirus they lose 20% of their lung
00:26:47
function told me now but I'm only functioning on 20% lung functions as it is so if I get it I'll have a zero lung
00:26:53
function yeah I'll die immediately in both lungs or is it just in one long I don't know but
00:26:58
like a Belgian doctor was analyzing young patients that had the corona virus and he said the results are [ __ ]
00:27:07
terrifying I know I saw some of the x-rays online you can look up some of the x-rays online of people that are
00:27:11
getting it it's creepy as [ __ ] yeah and they show what it looks like in your
00:27:15
lungs kind of like how pneumonia looks kind of creepy in your lungs it is and the reason why we're
00:27:20
acting accordingly is because it's not because I believe that I'm gonna die
00:27:26
from it I just don't want to pass it on to another person I don't mean it's like
00:27:30
you don't want to be carrying this thing now just like making other people sick
00:27:35
Ryan so let's you know do our due diligence right and just kind of be you know the
00:27:43
the fancy african-american actor from England got it let's let's try to get
00:27:48
there together yeah yeah yeah his first name rhymes with me Jai Abu Childress sounds like children I don't know I
00:27:58
Idris Idris hmm what's the last name sounds like Felber Idris Elba sounds Idris Elba BAM that's
00:28:09
an e drous Elba yourself I got the fancy English african-american him actor got it who else got it he's first of all
00:28:17
he's an American first he's American American he's not an African American
00:28:20
he's an American but he's from England yeah so he's actually an English African
00:28:25
American yeah okay my passion American African my back my back my better I don't know much about him great after
00:28:31
that Tom Hanks loved among cats Tom Hanks and his wife cats won the best movie of the year I'm gonna I bought it
00:28:37
I'm gonna watch it tonight it's so good yeah I'm not kidding it's one of the
00:28:40
best movies I've ever seen a wait to watch it cats is amazing okay maybe now I like
00:28:45
cats okay I take it okay yeah Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson his wife yeah these are all
00:28:50
the famous people that got it oh here's a guy that you don't even know but it it
00:28:54
hit my brother and I hard Miguel Arteta who's Miguel Arteta the killer today so
00:29:00
I don't know if you guys know this but I I love soccer oh and I've all my life I miss Carol I
00:29:08
don't even how to spell that mikl Arteta he got he has it yeah poor Miguel Arteta
00:29:16
sorry keep going there is Miguel Arteta right there and Miguel Arteta was a midfielder for
00:29:21
Arsenal Arsenal's my favorite team of all God he's good luck in yeah and
00:29:25
Mikkel Arteta is now the manager of Arsenal FC right and he has it and he is the coach
00:29:32
how come it doesn't say that he has good put Miguel Arteta coronavirus I think it would pop up if he had it just
00:29:39
[ __ ] say coronavirus I don't know man I feel like that would be the first thing that would come up don't you think
00:29:48
Corona voice upstate as Arsenal boss sends he's doing better he's in recovery
00:29:53
he's in recovery god damn he's [ __ ] good looking very good I'd suck a fart
00:29:59
out of his ass he played for Everton but now we eat then he went to Arsenal now he's the man he's very down do you think
00:30:04
so many soccer players are so much better-looking than other athletes cuz they'd have to use only their feet that
00:30:09
doesn't matter though yeah because in football you have to use your head okay
00:30:13
what about basketball how come they don't have to use much you know what I think it's because these cannot are
00:30:17
proportionally sized that's not what it is these guys aren't big guys would you
00:30:21
do clingy and the bigger you get the more we're doing all right you have to understand it in yours what I really
00:30:31
think about the whole thing but I think I [ __ ] go ahead I need a drink you have to understand that in in Europe
00:30:41
right in America if you're an athlete you're young man right you dream of
00:30:46
being either in basketball baseball football there's so many options for you
00:30:52
all right but in Europe the number one sport is soccer so the whole world split in Europe too
00:31:00
so you have to understand that most people kids growing up the athletic they all go into soccer right so they're
00:31:08
getting not only the best athletic people in soccer but then you're getting also good looking why would that
00:31:13
correlate to that's amazing just because you're the best athlete I'm still you're
00:31:18
still not proving my point you're still not proving the point why would they be
00:31:21
the best looking just because of the best athletes there is no direct correlation between the best athletes
00:31:26
but it just so happens that many people in soccer you want my you want my guess and I bet you old old fancy B over there
00:31:32
can tell us see it because I said it I want you to get cancelled - no cuz I'm
00:31:36
white alright you can do it fancy B we'll call you that fancy B knows that like spanning a lot of the Spanish that
00:31:44
get you know that yeah there could there a lot of money right a lot of money you know money and looks money money and
00:31:50
looks have this thing that come together hmm that's right now there you and I are
00:31:53
that good looking we didn't our parents don't have a lot of money people that
00:31:56
are rich usually are good-looking and they have good-looking kids because they [ __ ] people they're all so good-looking
00:32:00
Yeah right if you are of this small ilk of people that are rich and good-looking
00:32:04
and have athletic genes cuz usually that's what comes along with good looks then you make Mikkel Arteta
00:32:09
could I tell you somebody bet you his parents are [ __ ] to look at Freddie Youngberg Freddie young burger just
00:32:15
gonna be jerking off to soccer yeah yeah Freddie Youngberg is an Arsenal X Arsenal player too Freddie o Youngberg
00:32:23
Youngberg this guy even though even bald he's [ __ ] yeah but look at a young
00:32:28
young no but I'm saying even bald he's good look at my point he was young
00:32:31
though oh my [ __ ] god right there yeah yeah yeah go that's all goodness [ __ ] joy live with dick yeah
00:32:39
suck it his joy line yeah yeah there's somebody you're right ruin all those
00:32:44
handsome Cristiano Ronaldo isn't handsome he is gorgeous big difference he's gorgeous yeah handsome guys are
00:32:52
like Jon Hamm is handsome yeah yeah yeah Cristiano Ronaldo is [ __ ] stunning that guy dripped sex yeah I'm not
00:33:00
kidding dude I'm not gay at all anymore maybe I got rid of it yeah I want to
00:33:06
show you something when I when I not kidding when i see Ronaldo on TV yeah I get why some people feel gay sometimes
00:33:14
yeah he's [ __ ] hot yeah his hair is nice his smile his eyes are cute imagine what
00:33:21
his butt looks like who were an old aldo imagine when his naked butt looks like no cellulite a perfect crest between his
00:33:28
thigh and his tush but I'm gonna I'm gonna give you you can get it right now
00:33:32
I'm going to say this though soccer players too right mmm-hmm the extremes opposite could happen as well yeah
00:33:40
there's no [ __ ] it was there was a guy that for Everton he was the manager of
00:33:44
Everton but then he managed Manchester United yeah his name is he also played even more yeah bring it up but put young
00:33:51
gave it more yes young David Moyes yeah mo ye Zi mo y es young David Moyes areas
00:33:59
the first guitar the first photo [ __ ] it's me oh yeah yeah [ __ ] it's me
00:34:08
so that can happen as well right but that's rare no it's not I can name you
00:34:13
so many ugly is he British though he's Scottish same thing same yeah but that's why it
00:34:19
is how I knew he was Scottish this right here yeah at all the mouth yeah that's a
00:34:28
dare bad with that [ __ ] over there and I'm not saying they don't do that Brits
00:34:31
and Scots aren't like that anymore by the way they've advanced [ __ ] but
00:34:34
back then yeah they oh that was old joke like Brits had bad teeth guess what they
00:34:37
did they had [ __ ] terrible teeth and look at the skin vampiress good vampire skin don't sleep but here but you know
00:34:43
like here's that here's my biggest thing is what the difference of like look at
00:34:49
this like Rudy Rudy Gobert he he's an NBA player that got it yeah that got the [ __ ] that got the
00:34:56
stuff you know that got the corona yeah hey you know like he's not ugly but he's
00:35:01
just a he's fine he's fine yeah that's fine he's fine it's average
00:35:05
yeah but there's a lot of NBA players because I didn't let me ask you this the
00:35:09
bigger they get the more goony or you you naturally look goony you look like you look on orthodoxson like look at
00:35:15
right there like this is a normal Donovan Mitchell normal looking good looking kid good looking you know why
00:35:21
why normal size he's probably like six-four six-five he's not once these
00:35:25
guys get 610 to like they'd be calling all y'all Ming yes yes maybe the ugliest guy to ever play in
00:35:32
the [ __ ] end yeah oh that's a stretch Yao Ming is by far the ugliest ugliest
00:35:37
player look at this [ __ ] this thing was made in a lab yeah this guy was made in a [ __ ] fun-ass Hall do yo Ming's a
00:35:45
good dude he was made in a lab there's nothing good about that word right there
00:35:49
yeah China handsome giant you're off your [ __ ] has a kind of handsome not even a little gay China for China no
00:35:58
there's plenty okay what about judge I always thought though Jeremy Lin is he
00:36:03
is he Chinese no what is he Taiwanese you don't even [ __ ] but neither of you guys know but imagine
00:36:10
yeah what yep yummy if yummy didn't play [ __ ] basketball what job would we
00:36:14
have in you think Chuck Jeremy Jeremy Xu Hailin is an American personal master for the
00:36:19
Beijing ducts of the Chinese Basketball Association his background in sanity D is it Taiwanese oh look yeah he's born
00:36:28
in Torrance yeah you're probably right there's literally no doubt he's the
00:36:32
mayor Christian family yeah he's an American America just like me [ __ ] look
00:36:35
at his mom he Ming and Shirley immigrated to Taiwan Yap Taiwanese bummer let me ask you this he's
00:36:40
good-looking when now when you know it's been again said it's a Chinese virus oh
00:36:46
my god some reporter they said a White House staffer called it come on Kong flu that's the funniest thing I've ever
00:36:52
heard me the gun flu yeah the country's come over it's taking over cuz that an
00:36:59
argument with uncle eyelid the other night about you know cuz I go is Chinese virus bad and then she's like calling it
00:37:06
that because it's you know you're saying is it bad for you to say no is it bad
00:37:10
for president because people are making a stink about you know me and Trump saying and I know a lot of like Asian
00:37:15
actors there are just up in arms because they don't like Trump to begin with I
00:37:19
mean that's not let's be real that's yeah but yeah I don't you know I think
00:37:22
Chinese virus isn't as bad as people say but then because my argument is is they
00:37:27
called it this a fancy B are you offended they call it the Spanish flu no because it came from [ __ ] Spain yeah
00:37:35
I mean right so so what we call we call the Spanish flu because it was from but but then kalila argument is is that yeah
00:37:44
but when was the Spanish flu it was in 1918 1919 the world wasn't as woke as we
00:37:49
are now I think if the Spanish flu happened now she was her point is is that we wouldn't call it the Spanish flu
00:37:57
yeah h1n1 that's that was the and a bird bird flu and all that stuff that yeah
00:38:03
yeah yeah but I know what I know what she's saying I think it's because people
00:38:07
are more racially sensitive now it's kind of why we don't say oriental except
00:38:11
what are they what do they call the rugs that still because the rugs are from the
00:38:15
Orient region of the of the country but if you said you can't say oriental food
00:38:20
it depends on where the food is from if the food is from there oriental region of by the way the Orient doesn't exist
00:38:27
anymore all right so the rugs I don't call it that I'm saying that says oriental rug on a sign I call
00:38:34
it [ __ ] rug ok [ __ ] rug yeah [ __ ] rug yeah yeah is Chinese food offensive no man of course not
00:38:44
yeah so Chinese flu isn't either Chinese food from China eat Chinese because I
00:38:49
think what people are humble arms about is is that he has a history of being racist of using rhetoric right to divide
00:38:58
and I think that that if he was like if it was somebody else saying it yeah it wouldn't be as I don't think as um
00:39:06
divisive I disagree I think if any politician called it the Chinese flu they would get flack for it right now
00:39:11
for sure yeah but look it came from China I don't think it's racist and there's also if you called it the ching
00:39:23
chong fluent ya then that would be bad yeah if you if it was a more slanderous term but I don't mean easily I don't
00:39:28
want to get cancelled right now but I want to propose an idea you've said four
00:39:32
things that will get you can't but I've been locked up for five days I know say
00:39:37
it baby let it fly [ __ ] it yeah but I just don't eat the bat yeah I mean there's certain things that like you
00:39:46
know you know as Americans right we eat Indian food Yeah right we eat you don't
00:39:53
mean the things that you're supposed to eat I believe well right okay I ain't
00:39:58
gonna eat no [ __ ] giraffe leg yeah but that but if that's part of your culture and it's normal then why would
00:40:03
it be abnormal I don't think that it do you see them eating the live mice yeah
00:40:08
it's crazy dip dipping it you know the sauce that they have is the chicken yeah but what
00:40:13
if that's the part of their culture it's normal just go to the chicken what if
00:40:17
they can't afford it you become vegetto fool okay you get your protein that way
00:40:23
they have way there the problem is is embedded into the culture even the calendar year of the
00:40:28
chicken year of the goat your they love we love animal yeah they love animals yep if you ever go to like a Chinese
00:40:34
market in like Beijing or whatever Beijing but let's go young Fabio never Hong Kong no never never gonna go you
00:40:40
I'm pretty sure you see things there that you know and I'll get anything I
00:40:45
mean everything right not bad just like there's just certain things like you
00:40:50
know the shoulder of a meerkat my point is who knows yeah I'm be I'm just
00:40:58
playing devil's advocate I understand why people are mad that they're like
00:41:01
good you know cuz people get a [ __ ] bat now I don't got a 401k it's like I
00:41:05
look yeah but also this is part of their culture yeah yeah you're right I mean
00:41:12
maybe there are things that we don't eat because we just don't know like for
00:41:16
instance I think that we don't eat certain things because they just aesthetically look cute any right panda
00:41:23
koala okay dogs and cats seriously we don't eat them because we really like them and I'm gonna say this too about
00:41:29
dogs and because I don't I'm now gonna get cancelled but make sure you get the
00:41:33
sound but if you if you talk to old Korean Korean War American vets my grandfather right and they they've eaten
00:41:44
dog because at the time they were fed dog they were fed dog right and they say it's the most the most delicious meat
00:41:51
they've ever had that's what they say I look my grandfather passed away on four
00:41:56
sir I can't ask him but I don't I don't know that's what they say they say that
00:42:00
it's good meat eh it's tender a really good meat so when I was are fighting him
00:42:05
[ __ ] Koreans yeah I got to tell you I came down from a tough chopper mission yeah one of them little nice Korean
00:42:12
birds she fed fed me some some what she called was techo she said tuck oh yeah was that you hole goodie
00:42:19
starving what is that DC is a meat loaf oh I love me some [ __ ] meat level oh thank you so much what's your name young
00:42:27
oh nice to meet you gone [Music] we're gonna get [ __ ] canceled me and ease my friends we're never heard of me
00:42:49
underneath before they're on pretty much every podcast ever but besides that me
00:42:54
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undies they are my favorite they have a cupping they have a cutout portion for your pain in your because I use me
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undies when I perform on stage when I'm on the road because you a little underwear a bit at the end and I love me
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undies because it's very comfortable and it feels very just like it's just it's
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really nice they're not really they don't get them they don't bunch up
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because I can't can't stand underwear that bumps at bunches up it's time to
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comm slash that friend that's me on these comm slash ad friends can I be serious for a second
00:44:27
no jokes this I'm being very genuine right now it was a tough weekend for me
00:44:32
in Chicago because I have a family member that I'm not going to mention that's not having a good time with life
00:44:38
and and it broke my heart and it gave me a lot of perspective on the world so if
00:44:41
I can offer any advice to anybody that's listening that's trying to get through
00:44:43
all this stuff all the jokes that Bob and I say and all this stuff be sure to check in with your family and
00:44:49
I think it's I mean it stop it is it because this facial hair is [ __ ] no first of all the facial hair
00:44:56
they didn't work whatever you were trended it looks good yeah what are you trying to do the pit
00:45:00
that you were trying to do it wasn't a bit yeah you were you were like before
00:45:03
the show I have to say that before the show right in the [ __ ] bathroom I couldn't even say one sentimental
00:45:08
[ __ ] thing but he was through the bathroom and he's shaving is like I want
00:45:12
to do a bit cuz young Andrews into bits you know me because he think this is SNL
00:45:16
and he goes what do you say me bit that we could do on the program I'm like what
00:45:25
the [ __ ] are you doing let's [ __ ] talk [ __ ] talk you [ __ ] ready to freak I wanted to do a mustache for
00:45:31
aircraft yeah it didn't work whatever you're doing it looks good I know but it
00:45:35
was silly silly that's why you spent an hour in the [ __ ] bathroom doing a bit
00:45:39
that didn't work seven minutes I spent in there to shave my face well you had
00:45:43
George on the phone with the [ __ ] Wayans brothers all right so here's I want to talk about that yeah yeah I want
00:45:49
to talk about that yeah so can I finish my sentimental thing but I might laugh you can alright go ahead finish it some
00:45:59
one of my family's not doing well they might be dying you didn't laugh are you
00:46:06
laughing at a dead family member I might love your family why not start from the
00:46:15
top let's do this let's do this okay honestly honestly because I want to know
00:46:20
if you're really sincere I am alright so if you're gonna do this little [ __ ]
00:46:25
monologue okay right you cannot be [ __ ] smirking alright I want some regardless of what I'm doing okay fine
00:46:31
here right so it's like if in it once you start smirking I'm gonna end it and
00:46:35
you don't get the [ __ ] talent fine alright so here we go and I'm gonna do
00:46:39
another little setup alright okay ladies and gentlemen and a message from sir well don't [ __ ] it up off the jump
00:46:50
ladies and gentlemen a heartfelt message from Sir Andrew Santino hi America [ __ ] it
00:47:04
this right we'll try to get try to get that was the first guy y'all let you go
00:47:07
I'll let ya all right ladies and gentlemen mm-hmm a heartfelt message from Sir Andrew it's not penal just keep
00:47:23
the Chinese put us in a bad position recently call and text you what happened your family nothing someone's not doing
00:47:32
well [ __ ] just call in text your family and man what's going on with her and to the rope I don't know not feeling
00:47:38
good not doing good did you have Corolla no okay I'm sorry she's old she's old and it just made me
00:47:44
check-in more mentally I was like oh you should check and really [ __ ] you the man
00:47:47
do the message without you can smile do the more with your family if not if we take nothing from this shitty virus it's
00:47:55
that we should try to care about people somebody had a great phrase to me somebody said this is this during the
00:48:01
time of this virus we'll find out who cares about their backyard as much as people care about their front yard
00:48:05
that's him I don't really understand that explain it to me it means are you
00:48:09
gonna are you gonna try to contribute and care about other humans are you only gonna care about yourself but what has
00:48:14
it with the backyard your backyard means because you connect with neighbors like
00:48:17
do you care about those around you and in your community do you care it's a metaphor for saying like are you not
00:48:22
it's a metaphor are you gonna use it I specific backyard yeah you don't have
00:48:25
wants to stop you don't have one it's fenced okay but about beyond annoyance
00:48:28
there's other people all right so to say beyond beyond the backyard we're gonna
00:48:33
find out during this virus you don't even care about people whether you care
00:48:36
about your community you'll never use that reference again just say what are
00:48:39
you gonna say phrase made perfect didn't you get the [ __ ] phrase it's a
00:48:42
metaphor saying do you care about your community or you just care about your house cleaning my side of the street
00:48:47
when they say that that's an same exact thing yeah do you only care about cleaning your side of the street there
00:48:52
we go that this okay I understand that one cuz you you you do don't you you only sweep your side of the street
00:48:57
are you [ __ ] out of your minds go away we're closed that's [ __ ] you know what's so funny there's a
00:49:06
there's a bet to see that if we'll if we'll keep the show going they said
00:49:09
we'll see how long this lasts what these two [ __ ] go this is are you out of
00:49:13
your [ __ ] mind when you when you're on lockdown for three days and I [ __ ] hate this
00:49:18
piece of [ __ ] Thank You or three [ __ ] days I was like I can't wait for Wednesday I can't wait for one's me to
00:49:23
see this redhead her free you know I mean if I could I would kiss him you know I mean I'd kiss you yeah but I I
00:49:28
would this is what this is my whole life now yeah is doing these well it's this in touring
00:49:34
for me is that and so now we can't tour that's it do you want do you want to bring a
00:49:38
little bit of light into this episode I love light okay so last week we had under this row Sunday do the news which
00:49:47
we loved we loved it a lot of the fans enjoyed it a lot I want andreas to do to do a little bit
00:49:54
his stand-up you want to do your stand-up it andreas is gonna do stand-up for us I'll get good I love it
00:50:01
are you excited all right we'll be right back hey everybody hope you're having a
00:50:08
great time I'm Mitch I'm the host of the show and welcome to the Chuckle [ __ ]
00:50:12
factory here Wisconsin try the chicken wings yeah you know they're new on the
00:50:17
menu anyway um man that guy fell off the cliff it was ooh Sioux Falls there it is like you
00:50:24
know I mean like anyway if it's not working Benny when we our next comic he does
00:50:31
clubs and colleges all over the country he's been on BET's comicview he's also
00:50:38
been on something on Nickelodeon I don't know but anyway he's really he's from
00:50:43
some Spain you know you said he's a fancy he's a fancy P anyway it's the first time
00:50:51
onstage how he's like a funny guy my name is Mitch by the way how about a round of applause for Andrea's katashi's
00:51:00
go round of applause for me Thank You Mitch it's so great to be here is everybody celebrating anything all
00:51:17
right well you know Tom Brady announced he might be playing in Tampa Bay Florida
00:51:26
next season seems like a lateral move to me since like Florida that's basically
00:51:31
their New England of of the South racism man Dunkin Donuts thank you a sex toy company taboo announced a new
00:51:48
line of vibrators with the removable batteries finally I'm not gonna have those embarrassing moments at TSA and
00:52:02
you guys know some grocery stores are offering elderly hours for our elderly shoppers putting all those girls in one
00:52:11
spot is gonna be like fishing with a gun in a barrel for me and you know Daniel Radcliffe a gay Harry Potter admitted he
00:52:27
was drunk during the filming of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows I get it I will be blackout too if I found
00:52:33
Hermione was gonna going out with a ginger those are gross [Laughter] wrists with a spoon open Lily to Vanity
00:52:47
Fair saying bad things happened to her as a TT Nina in Hollywood we know we saw election okay that was a here at home
00:53:01
Nevada is officially closed in every casino in the Vegas strip this will [ __ ] the tourism industry and really
00:53:08
hurt professional gamblers like nick pappagiorgio Google arts partner with more than 2,500
00:53:19
museums to offer built virtual tours online you now can go to the Louvre in Paris dismiss onehans in DC or you can
00:53:28
finally dive into that anime porn you've been having an eye on during an interview with The New Yorker singer
00:53:40
Fiona Apple said she quit cocaine after an excruciating night with Quentin Tarantino and Paul Thomas Anderson I for
00:53:48
one am shocked Quentin Tarantino does cocaine Pollan geologists have discovered the wonder chicken and it's
00:54:02
67 million years old but you know what I bet it still tastes like chicken for moral company shut down all on North
00:54:15
American production during this pandemic well looks like Ferrari won mark marvel
00:54:24
is postponing the release of his new superhero movie Black Widow of course I bet if it was White Widow
00:54:31
they would have put it on I never really got monologues either like when I watch
00:54:47
Carson as a kid like I love when the guests were there yeah I like what he failed that was good anyone do a golf so
00:54:53
I get that when I wouldn't go to more guys were rested and the east side I was
00:54:58
for carrying drugs should have called him thug drugs yeah yeah I like that just taking yeah yeah I never understood
00:55:07
it yeah but I think that's just not that's not the kind of comedy that you
00:55:10
and I loved anyway was late-night stuff never made me I always loved the interviews like Letterman I only liked
00:55:16
the interviews I would I would skip the monologue and just wait till he you know
00:55:21
cuz he was so [ __ ] what like what what was the first comic where you went as a kid you went
00:55:26
oh I like this I think the first comic that made me laugh hard was Eddie Murphy but like
00:55:33
actually laughs yeah like delirious laughs it was just so physical like I had never seen that kind of you know he
00:55:42
also had this like Rock story kind of thing he was a god yeah it never I'd never seen anything like it and the
00:55:48
first guy to make me like think think about comedy yeah was Carlin like when I heard some his stuff I was like wow you
00:55:54
can be funny and have kind of a point you know have a point but yeah for me was Kinison yeah really yeah because Sam
00:56:02
Kinison had a visceral kind of quality to him yeah I was like emotion and real pure it just had never seen comedy you
00:56:12
know I didn't ever you know he didn't do your standard like set up here so far so
00:56:18
to me as I remember watching it that that first young comedian specials with Rodney Dangerfield Adam Herrera was on
00:56:25
it at the store right no I don't know if it was at the Comedy Store but I don't
00:56:29
know at The Improv yeah I think it was at the end probably it was just to me just I openin because you get to see
00:56:36
just different styles I'd never seen right and people swearing and talking about sex in a way that I didn't think
00:56:44
you could even say yeah it was just really you know I think I never got to meet him but although when I who can
00:56:50
send Kinison but because Pauly Shore toured with Kinison Pauly when I was young I was maybe twenty four years old
00:56:59
or 25 years old he goes I'm gonna we're gonna do the same tour that Sam took me
00:57:06
on and so we did the same exact cities that he did with Sam and then at the end of the tour
00:57:12
Pauly took me to kinnison's gravesite and not only that but Carla beau who was
00:57:20
who held Sam kinnison's body while he was down when he was dying on that freeway in Nevada
00:57:26
Carla beau became a very good friend of mine I fixed his teeth because this is when I was starting to make money and he
00:57:32
had a toothache and I and I took him to the dentist that's right yeah because
00:57:37
but I only I mean I think in Joseph Beck I only did that because I had such a upsetting obsession but he
00:57:45
was just such a big role model for me and then here's what's greatest the
00:57:49
greatest thing that I ever got from is there was a Sam Kinison had a couple of sisters that used to live with him the
00:57:57
way he was a [ __ ] them he was there's just girls and one of the girls I wouldn't have thought he was [ __ ] his
00:58:04
sisters no not his own sisters they there was two sisters that were he's not
00:58:12
[ __ ] sisters but one of them used to hang out the store a lot and she knew my obsession with Kinison and she came to
00:58:21
my house to the club and she could she she had a plastic bag and it was exam Kinison shirt that he used to wear on
00:58:29
stage that was never washed if you could smell the salt on it yeah right and I still have that [ __ ] shirt you need
00:58:36
to frame it but I will frame it yeah yeah but um that's so incredible yes I've always had a respect for that's why
00:58:44
I hate disrespect for like the older generation yeah I have such respect for the older generation people that did it
00:58:51
before us yeah yeah I've even the ones that weren't even that good I don't even
00:58:57
well because they just they were they were like leaders III this is this is a fun story I'll give
00:59:02
you this I don't think I've ever told this one this I was in I was writing
00:59:07
like bad sketched jokes my like first year in LA with with a friend of mine at the coffee bean I don't even think it's
00:59:14
there anymore across from the mall and it's late and they're about to close
00:59:18
down and in walks Norma Connell and the girl says to me who I'm writing with
00:59:25
this girl that I worked with that a production company she says to me she goes oh yeah you know that is right and
00:59:31
I go oh [ __ ] holy [ __ ] and she goes that's the Bob Dole guy I go the Bob
00:59:36
Dole guy I would rip her eyes out I mean I was like it's [ __ ] nor McDonald and
00:59:40
he's like no I knew I forgot his name I was like Oh God so we sit there and I'm
00:59:45
kind of fanboying out and I'm on I'm just kind of you know like not trying to
00:59:49
face him and he's ordering coffee and I keep kind of looking over just to like
00:59:52
because you just want to get it because when you're up 22 I just moved to LA I was like [ __ ] holy [ __ ] Norma
00:59:57
God he he come he he comes in there where the coffee is he looks over she's a pretty girl okay
01:00:03
and obviously doesn't see me at all doesn't know I exist and he's kind of
01:00:07
trying to talk her up a little bit he said yeah what everybody guys what you guys doing and she goes aw we're uh
01:00:12
we're writing sketches and he goes oh yeah I know a thing or two about sketches and both of us were like ya
01:00:18
know we know like and I started stumbling like no I you know and he goes okay I'm gonna uh I'm gonna go next door
01:00:27
I'm gonna get a Steinbeck novel Barnes and Noble at least to be Barnes nobody
01:00:31
goes how many get Steinbeck novel I'm laughing thinking he's just making jokes
01:00:34
and he goes I'll be back okay I'll be back and he walks out and I'm like well
01:00:38
how [ __ ] cool was that hand to God he comes back in with a Steinbeck novel and sits down by us and just starts
01:00:45
talking oh my gosh where am I like oh my was like I started a norm engine and he
01:00:50
just wanted to talk so he just started talking and talking and talking and telling stories and I shouldn't tell it
01:00:54
like I don't want to [ __ ] it up but the best story he told I said what was your
01:01:00
most like secret fun thing that happened at SNL that like you know like what was
01:01:05
some inside [ __ ] and he goes uh Smigel and I Robert Smigel if you don't who Robert Smigel is
01:01:11
he's triumph the insult comic dog he's the voice in the genius behind that
01:01:14
smuggles a [ __ ] phenomenal genius writer and comedian he goes smile and Iowa we used to write sketches for Tracy
01:01:22
is we knew Tracy Morgan we knew Tracy and I he was bad in table reads he couldn't read for [ __ ] you know he's a
01:01:28
[ __ ] was stumble through words you know so we were one time we wrote this sketch that we knew was gonna tank
01:01:33
Lauren hated it and then we showed it to Tracy anyway cuz we knew he had trouble
01:01:39
reading yet someone helping him read yeah bad time with s's so he wrote this
01:01:43
sketch about this guy's I got gay animal handler named Brian fellows yeah yeah
01:01:50
Brian fellows and he goes if you look the best part for us was it was Brian fellows apostrophe s safari plant whose
01:01:58
3 s's in a row is the sketch that we pitched so in the room even though the sketch was bad we knew Tracy would go a
01:02:06
brave fellows Justice Breyer a safari panic we knew we would crush in there he goes and everybody lost it the
01:02:13
sketch he was like the sketch was terrible yeah Tracy we're going to drag fellows this is a fiery pan yeah yeah
01:02:20
and norm was and norm goes in it was a funniest thing we used to [ __ ] with Tracy all the time and dude I was like
01:02:26
my heart was filled with comedy warmth yeah this is the business wild part again I don't believe that this happened
01:02:31
I'm I to myself I'm going this is a lie you're making this out right but she's
01:02:36
my proof we walk out when they finally closed the doors after they're like mr.
01:02:41
McGowen he can stay you know they [ __ ] the coffee being kids are sitting just listening we all walk
01:02:45
outside and he starts taking off kind of headed north on La Cienega and as a joke
01:02:51
my friend goes do you want a ride are you walking and he goes oh no no I don't wanna get in the car with you and
01:03:00
we started laughing and he goes ok shotgun and he comes and runs sits in the front seat no I swear to God in my
01:03:06
life oh my god her car I'm sitting in the back seat and he's showing us where
01:03:10
to go and we drop him off at his house and uh you know at this complex and he gets out and he kind of opens the door
01:03:16
and we haven't said we didn't say anything the whole car ride we just listened to him going out left yeah
01:03:20
right here and he gets out and he turns and looks in the car and all he said he just goes good luck or whatever and
01:03:27
closes the door oh yeah that was mine or McDonald moment in comedy but he because
01:03:32
he was one of those guys that I was like when he did Weekend Update I thought I was like that's the funniest guy to read
01:03:37
he was the best at that yeah because I I don't I don't find it funny he was the
01:03:41
only person that I found funny enough decision he didn't care the jokes the jokes were him making a joke about the
01:03:48
about the joyride funny it was yeah and after I saw him do that I was I thought that's the guy that can write jokes
01:03:55
better than anybody that I I didn't know anyone that could write a joke like that
01:03:59
where it's like it's really clever it's funny but he throws it in the trash you
01:04:02
don't I mean it's like he wrote it he's like yeah that and throws it away can I
01:04:06
tell you what happened to me were they [ __ ] with me at MADtv yeah so back in the day we on a month we would do a
01:04:12
table reads on a Tuesday but on a Monday night they would they wouldn't sent
01:04:16
their that guide that drive to everyone's house and drive and drop off the [ __ ] script oh yeah right jacket
01:04:24
yeah yeah so back in the PA - yeah right so that he would go to like 15 people's
01:04:28
houses right but so there's a young girl named Katie Dippold you know Katie right
01:04:35
she wrote Buster's bridesmaids and rides me yes yeah yeah but Katie was a writer at MADtv and
01:04:41
right Katie this is the last table read we did because if the show was cancelled
01:04:45
so she decided to do a trick so she did was she wrote a sketch with Nicole Parker and crista Flanagan right mhm and
01:04:54
I think Johnny Sanchez was also in the sketch and so everyone got theirs it's
01:05:00
only those three but in my packet I was in the sketch right but no one wants Elsa's no one knows that I'm in the
01:05:10
sketch right right but in my packet in the sketch I'm just I don't know why I'm there my characters
01:05:17
in there but base I'm going between their dialogue in mine I'm saying I'm
01:05:22
losing it you know and then they would do a couple of lines I'm snapping right
01:05:28
everyone in this room's gonna die soon right and at the end of the sketch it's
01:05:34
me going like it's a do bird noises and then act like a dinosaur it like in the
01:05:42
mists of them doing the dialogue the network the producers no one knew Katie did it inside just her kate only katie
01:05:50
knew oh my god so the sketch is bombing of course right people are backing up from their seats
01:05:57
right because i'm saying crazy [ __ ] right everyone's gonna die right right
01:06:01
and you all I could see is Katie her face red with tears just losing it right so at the end of the sets sketch the
01:06:16
room is completely silent mm-hmm and I just kind of a I [ __ ] it up huh because I knew that that might care I
01:06:23
was like you're not getting laughs right right right and I should I'm an idiot
01:06:26
that I should have questioned like why is this guy here yeah what is it yeah and Katie let 15 seconds pass beautiful
01:06:34
right and then she goes she stood up and goes Bobby has a different sketch there and then
01:06:38
everyone starts laughing and they have it on tape right but it was I was so furious you were mad at first yeah yeah
01:06:46
but then you really is a good Joe it's insane that's no fun here's a fun joke
01:06:50
but crazy yeah but when things are canceled like that you have to kind of feel you have to kind of let stuff go
01:06:56
cuz you're like well we're [ __ ] yeah do when when me and uh Griff knew
01:07:02
I'm dying up here was just kind of like a dead-end thing it was not gonna come
01:07:05
back yeah all we did was [ __ ] around yeah I mean what can you do I know you feel it the crew is like you can hear
01:07:13
the crew bein like you know that gaff and something to bein like ya know this piece of [ __ ] a comin back now
01:07:18
they don't give a [ __ ] they don't give a [ __ ] yeah you're a [ __ ] loser actor
01:07:22
they're working men and women you are a [ __ ] play person yeah real people with real job so
01:07:28
therefore the first people to go yeah this thing I [ __ ] could [ __ ] that we've got another gig in Temecula so but
01:07:35
[ __ ] with Grif was what that was one of my favorite things to do on that show yeah and this happened in the [ __ ]
01:07:42
beginning is I told a bunch of people to like stand by my stand by me because I told Grif that I got a call from my
01:07:51
agent saying that he's gonna die after the first season and I had him in a [ __ ] Shir dude everybody was like I
01:07:58
thought you knew like we thought it was like no I swear to god you can ask him so he called his [ __ ] agent all I did
01:08:12
was [ __ ] with Chris we had this was my favorite thing this was another favorite
01:08:15
thing everybody that knows Griff knows Griff Griff you know grips a hungry hungry hippo he
01:08:19
likes to eat and he's my boy I think we would have meals together all the time
01:08:23
we got a special truck for one of the photo shoots somebody ordered one of the production orders like sometimes you get
01:08:30
a special meal truck instead of the normal catering meal and it's always like so good and everyone's excited
01:08:34
because it's not the normal [ __ ] that you're always getting and we're taking
01:08:38
pictures she's like Santino and then Ari and then Jake grips like he's looking
01:08:46
outside cuz the truck now people are starting to go eat yeah and he's like ah wiggle point let me get
01:08:52
my eyes first let me get my knocked away and the photographer is in on it with me
01:08:57
because I've told that our can go dead last right yeah and a photographer a sec
01:09:00
okay okay okay and you could tell the Duke he was nervous because I was like [ __ ] I don't wanna get in trouble yeah I
01:09:04
go just do what just say you're gonna do him he goes okay man yeah but y'all can't switch
01:09:09
with me and everyone's like no I don't want to switch I want to [ __ ] just do
01:09:12
my photos it and he's getting nervous he sees two more peed the crew is going up
01:09:15
to the truck now all the actor now well the background is going up to the truck yeah people are all Mahoney toggles oh
01:09:20
my god I run up to the truck and I go hey just just say that you're out of chicken shrimp and beef so all you have
01:09:28
is vegetarian left yo I have it on video yeah so Griff takes his picture Griff takes his pictures he goes up to the
01:09:41
truck and I'm hiding like a [ __ ] I'm like 15 cars away I'm like in the
01:09:46
parking lot and I'm hiding with my iPhone yeah and I can you can see him kind of saunter up to the truck and you
01:09:51
see him and go to the window like this and he I swear to god he just goes he goes no and he turns and he goes the
01:09:59
shrimp chicken out the beef - I'm dying we're all eating tacos dice and then
01:10:09
finally the truck and he walks away mad he's pissed yeah storms away mad at the
01:10:12
truck guy comes Isaac hey man what are y'all skiddy we're just kidding we know
01:10:15
we have shrimp for you no wonder he was on your friend Griffin Zak man Santino I
01:10:22
love it messin with him was the only fun thing in the loo of what was happening right we had to have fun I was so
01:10:29
nervous of like this sadness keep piling up cuz you're done I remember though
01:10:34
when you guys were on that show and yeah the first of all you were contractually
01:10:39
obligated right so you couldn't do anything else yeah you're holding up us like you would
01:10:45
have to do like a small number right now here we did 10 but that they were up there hour-long episode so our shoot
01:10:52
schedule took like twice as long as the normal TV show ride and also ours was a period show so things had to be dressed
01:10:59
like the 70 so when we would shoot on location it do it was forever it would take forever
01:11:04
it's so funny we shut down do we shut down Fairfax Boulevard from Beverly to
01:11:10
Melrose Wow in the middle of the city wow it was in it was chaos it was insane I remember when Eric Griffin and I got a
01:11:17
call saying that Jim Carrey what is doing showcases it yeah well storia and I remember I got on the showcase right
01:11:25
and I go is everyone in the room right so everyone's in the room yeah yeah I
01:11:29
[ __ ] destroy yeah but in my mind I'm like am I gonna [ __ ] play who's the
01:11:39
first Asian comedian that was famous back then was there any famous Asian Johnny you but Johnny Yoon wasn't until
01:11:44
the 80s yeah yeah so not the same yeah he's not the 70s yeah that's Ohio on but
01:11:50
then I go I know that this bar staff were all Asian they were I know yes or black or on the show they're black too
01:11:57
oh they are yeah I couldn't get at that part no they got to give it to black guys so there were
01:12:02
no Thai people there was a tie guy in the kitchen who got that the Thai guy that works at the store are you being
01:12:11
real hard no seriously that it was it was it was young black dudes at bar tenant apparently that was like part of
01:12:23
the rhetoric no because back then I cuz I know that Mitsy and Pauly had an obsession with so Kirk it was all the
01:12:31
Thai staff yeah in the 70s yeah so I guess there was no part for me yeah but I mean you know can we go back to the
01:12:37
girl though that didn't know normally what she said so you were the girl yeah
01:12:41
and she was a peachy worked as a PA with me GPA and she she goes what'd she say
01:12:47
about normal she goes guy from Chino she said that's that's Bob Dole let's go
01:12:53
from the from S&S bad right yeah yeah I do you does it annoy you when young people don't know certain things well it
01:13:02
cheap first of all she's a year older than me it annoys me when somebody in the comedy world yeah misses a comedy
01:13:09
thing that I think is obvious yeah cuz I'm like how do you not know who that is
01:13:12
good that's like a hero of ours I hit a tinder date once before kalila yeah and so we're driving
01:13:19
to a restaurant and Space Oddity is playing on the radio oh yeah what do you mean oh right David Boies right and she
01:13:26
goes um oh I love the song Major Tom from Ziggy Stardust and I just I wanted to pull I wanted to pull over the side
01:13:36
of the road and go okay you can get the [ __ ] out get out your meal is right here
01:13:39
I don't know why but when people do [ __ ] like that I start losing my mind because
01:13:44
it make you feel older is that why cuz you're like I just think that if you love it if you're gonna say out loud I
01:13:51
love this because you know what the [ __ ] don't make a grand you know I love that
01:13:59
yeah but it's wrong people do that all but see I do that for [ __ ] I think that's funny sometimes I'll do that
01:14:05
sometimes like if it's um if it's like a Rod Stewart song right sometimes like if
01:14:11
I'm out in public at the if at the bar if I'm waiting for a drink I'll go
01:14:14
[ __ ] love Paul Simon just to see the guy next to me go yeah yeah it makes it I like doing that you know what I do if
01:14:21
like thriller or something's playing on the radio like in a restaurant or something I always go and they I like
01:14:31
Big O yet really yeah I've heard it before who sings it cuz I don't want to
01:14:35
zan yeah I don't I don't have then they go they go the baseball player yeah yeah
01:14:42
yeah I always do that yeah there was a there was a friend of a friend who went on a date with a girl who said and I
01:14:51
don't know if this is a bad joke if she was kid I was joking around but the Rolling Stones beast of burden I'll
01:14:57
never be y'all beat up she thought it said I'll never be your pizza burner no
01:15:03
I swear that's what he's yeah I'll never be your pizza burner yeah which if you listen to it I'll never be
01:15:08
your beats a burner kind of sounds like it Koreans right when the Beatles were big
01:15:16
that let it be right wait wait let me guess well they thought the song no dear I gotta get a big letter be Medici
01:15:27
marriages Jovie so my mom got would sing if Lenape was she got mad at you Mataji it's not what the [ __ ] not why
01:15:40
would they write a song about anchovies mom because they're good they are very
01:15:44
good they're very good Medici means anchovy and in Korea Mataji yeah by the way I saw I saw the Japanese there is a
01:15:53
Japanese sensation of a Beatles cover band in when I was in Tokyo in Roppongi in like that was recently right yeah a
01:16:02
couple years ago two years ago in the red-light district about yourself no you brought your wife she was with me
01:16:08
and so what you know who was there Aristotle with her you know Aristotle I love Aristotle he was in town they were
01:16:13
shooting something and actually one of the guys this is even more fun of a story I don't know if I've told this
01:16:17
before but that he was in town I did tell you this I told you that I don't know if it was on this show but he but
01:16:23
he this guy was in town this guy his cameraman and we're [ __ ] shit-faced at this underground nightclub like four
01:16:30
teenagers were we're like we're the oldest by a landslide and he had they
01:16:34
have like two days in Japan he's drinking double-fist and he's chugging he's kind of a portly Midwest guy and
01:16:40
he's sweating dripping with sweat and the music is pulled you know and he's
01:16:47
bouncing up and down Hey Aristotle goes up to him yeah and he looks you dude in his face his eyes he looked happier than
01:16:54
you've ever seen a human in your entire life Aristotle no no this man this guy in
01:16:58
Stata goes uh hey man how you doing like checking in on him yeah and the guy goes
01:17:04
like this he goes he goes I really miss my kids blacked out of his [ __ ] my so funny nobody I went to go see um the
01:17:21
Japanese the famous Japanese beetles yeah Wow they were uh and I'm not kidding like the real thing they were
01:17:29
better than you they were better than the real thing well you've never seen the real thing
01:17:32
you [ __ ] I don't care I saw them there in Japan yeah these [ __ ] were phenomenal yeah and I was thinking
01:17:37
I was gonna get something they were gonna get like phonetics correct but someone know that
01:17:43
what the [ __ ] was that you want to ruin the flow or we're out of your [ __ ]
01:17:48
mind Jorge yeah do directors do that when they're shooting why did you do that it
01:17:53
was blocking my face was a block in his face yeah what's marking your face sir don't
01:17:57
talk [ __ ] you don't talk [ __ ] all right what are you talking for get on dresses
01:18:04
riding high off that stand-up set yeah you know I think Asians are the only race that when people are allowed cuz
01:18:12
Pauly Shore right every time I'm around him he sings out loud at the spa we'll
01:18:19
walk into the Korean spa and he'll just acapella Chinese people are the best
01:18:27
people in the world right and Koreans are just washing themselves and they're
01:18:34
just washing right keeps going you'll touch their heads Chinese people and just go and they'll just do it yeah yeah
01:18:43
they let him do it yeah but it's time it's time that we say [ __ ] like that's not stopping [ __ ]
01:18:50
okay yeah well why don't you say something - Paul you're with him I keep
01:18:54
pulling a massage hey I know this has been 25 years you've been doing this every day for 25 years literally yeah 25
01:19:01
years Yeah right every [ __ ] day it's enough and I go for 25 year you know that I'm Korean I know buddy Chinese
01:19:09
people and it'll just keep doing it and it's like I love them and I let him do
01:19:14
it I do love it he's like a brother to me you know yeah Holly so much but it's
01:19:18
like it's you know it's time for us as a people you know I mean it's you know
01:19:23
it's just you know we have to be more woke yeah so I was doing some times when
01:19:28
I was in doing Harold and Kumar 3 we're shooting in Michigan really yeah why
01:19:34
Michigan because back then I guess they had static tax break tax breaks yeah so remember John his trailer was farther
01:19:42
away cuz he's in the number 1 on the coffee right so he was shooting more closer to my trailer so he goes yo do
01:19:50
can I use your bathroom I go yeah go John so John uses my bathroom but at the same
01:19:55
I had 10 minutes before that asked for some Advil because I had a headache mm-hmm
01:20:00
so the medical guy he didn't know John was in my trailer and I had I was smoking you know by the little steps
01:20:07
there sure and he comes around the corner of the medical guy and in Galli story he's a white guy he's Dorie
01:20:17
right and John flies out of the [ __ ] trailer go what the [ __ ] man what's up
01:20:24
with the accent they used to joke you know I just do it you know for my Asian friends had a lot of Asian friend you
01:20:31
know how they charging it up yeah you think if you ever do that accent again you're not gonna be working in this
01:20:37
movie oh damn and he walks away he was the medic is that okay no matter and the medic blushed and I went yeah
01:20:48
but I realize I go it's not okay yeah no you know but people still feel like we
01:20:55
the reason why is because we don't say [ __ ] but here's the thing it's only okay
01:21:01
if there's a pre-established relationship right yeah like I was talking to someone about this they were
01:21:06
asking me why is it okay an older gentleman why is it okay for the for black people to say the n-word and I had
01:21:14
this long-winded conversation I was like because it's taking away power from a
01:21:18
word that whites used to use to denigrate black people right he's like yeah but doesn't that perpetuate the
01:21:24
negativity putting it out there I said not when you own the word mm-hmm so it's
01:21:30
only okay contextually if you've made it okay mmm so like if you [ __ ] joke
01:21:35
with me and we make it okay mmm it's but it has to be a predetermined thing yeah
01:21:40
and there's no rules there's no like it's just a thing that you must know
01:21:43
yeah it's it's funny black people black people will call me the n-word sometimes
01:21:47
yeah and I don't even know how to feel yeah like I'm like I have to go I'm
01:21:52
going with it I can't say it back but I also like don't I don't know how to
01:21:58
react to it sometimes yeah so I call the cops on them yeah it's good yeah it's
01:22:05
cool no you did I believed you for I know nothing sane no that's how I know I know but
01:22:14
truthfully I do have black friends that say it called me the n-word or they'll
01:22:17
say it in conversation yeah yeah and it's a part of the flow yeah but it's
01:22:23
interesting to see when other people see them say it to me yeah and they're like
01:22:27
why did he why does he have it it's funny how sensitive would be coming because it's like you know I'm on a game
01:22:33
show coming out what is it called game on it's it's coming on it's on CBS game
01:22:37
on on CBS CBS Tuesday night's 8:00 p.m. it's featuring Bob Lee it's you know me
01:22:42
Rob Gronkowski Venus Williams oh I saw the preview yeah did you really I did yeah there's a preview online it was I
01:22:48
in the preview no no wow Gronk it was a moat it was a grog thing it was a growing thing it was just him okay good
01:22:57
but anyway I'm on it yeah I'm on his team this is me and Gronkowski versus
01:23:01
Ian Karmel and Venus Williams oh they should show them it showed Ian and William sister but it's you and then it
01:23:07
just showed Gronk by himself it's fine I know what you're trying to do in the
01:23:12
ad it literally said Rob Gronkowski versus Venus and Ian Karmel that that's fine huh it said one-man-show versus a
01:23:20
two-person so when I was on the show yeah so they you know what game on yeah when they hired me they were like you
01:23:28
know we want you to do what you do on Tiger belly end you're podcasting right
01:23:34
and then I and I go okay oh my god you know if you can shame me here no I just want to see that I want to see the
01:23:41
imagery let me just go ahead you they would they ask you what you want to do on the no so so weirdly they they they
01:23:47
want you know you know we like your you know what you do on podcast so I go in my heart I'm like okay good this is I'm
01:23:56
just gonna do my thing yeah just walk around so remember we're shooting we do
01:24:00
a panel Keegan's on it and they're doing a panel and they mentioned you know they
01:24:08
put an athlete on you know on the screen then they go what are the things that this person would love to do and one of
01:24:15
them was Renaissance Faire the other one was barbecues and it everyone and I was saying it's not
01:24:23
Renaissance Fairs because black people don't go to Renaissance Fairs mm-hmm right there ain't no [ __ ] black
01:24:28
hobbits no right something like that right I remember and people just producers coming down
01:24:37
surrounding me you can't you can say that I can't make a joke and I go I just
01:24:43
said that black people don't go to Renaissance Faire they don't I know by
01:24:46
point though is is that but that's what we're we're at yeah comedy-wise what was
01:24:51
Keegan there yeah did he laugh no one laughed Keegan did me like as if I said the
01:24:56
n-word did you follow it up with the n-word wait but kee did you say to Keegan where you elected you were you
01:25:02
offended by that yeah another joke was at my mustache and Ian goes you look like Freddie Mercury right I go sick
01:25:12
Freddie Mercury you're mean so what I'm saying is is that he doesn't
01:25:21
even write about my point is is that it's fun because on this yeah when we're
01:25:26
on here we I don't know what it is is is that are we not up to the times or are
01:25:33
we being too sensitive if the world being too sensitive isn't the question okay well I'll answer it to the best of
01:25:39
my ability yeah what we do here cuz I call him fancy [ __ ] and now yeah if I said that on any TV show garand your
01:25:48
[ __ ] I'm cancelled BAE but here's the deal this is a comedy podcast the whole
01:25:53
point of this is to have the freedom to joke around mm-hmm I mean none of this this is [ __ ] ridiculous hmm
01:26:00
this is [ __ ] the whole thing is [ __ ] insane mm-hmm so it's like I got there's an understanding that this is
01:26:07
chaos and stupid and goofy and 99% of what we say is probably a joke or fake or just us [ __ ] around yeah this
01:26:15
isn't a sentimental heart-to-heart doesn't matter that we are to say a show
01:26:19
that our woke no but no no in fact I think they're probably more woke because
01:26:23
we're breaking down the barriers of how annoying it is to be so questioning everything
01:26:28
unless it's detrimental for somebody right nothing on the show is going to be
01:26:31
detrimental for some yes it's all for fun this is actually to break away from how nonsense it is to be
01:26:37
over overparenting what we do and what we say yeah look there was a guy on Twitter I posted the other day ariana
01:26:45
know which one is it Vanessa Hudgens put up a video of her being like she go on my Twitter she's like yeah it's like the
01:26:52
virus is gonna saw those young people but like that's inevitable or never tore
01:26:57
whatever its it gonna happen but like I like I respect the virus but it's like
01:27:03
what he gonna do you know and she's like flippant about it right right all I did
01:27:06
was retweet it and I wrote Vee Hodge will lead us into salvation just Joe this is the voice you know just like
01:27:13
[ __ ] around by the way I'm not even criticizing her I don't care I think it's funny but
01:27:18
she's cancelled no she's fine well does she released a statement last night
01:27:21
saying oh my god I'm so sorry about being insensitive that's my problem she
01:27:25
can't make a flippant statement without having to apologize she'd even say
01:27:29
anything bad that bad yeah last week Andre said that gays Jews blacks are gonna get the virus and and he won't
01:27:36
remember that he said he said that oh yeah and he's not he's fine we just know
01:27:42
in this world yeah our fans have an agreement with us or new viewers that this is [ __ ] it's a joke this is all
01:27:50
[ __ ] her it's your [ __ ] yeah this guy says this guy tweets him of all the
01:27:54
people that like the tweet and a lot of people then take in their like stupid [ __ ] and it's like well that wasn't my
01:27:58
intention I was just think I thought it was funny that she was just flippant about a virus right yeah I didn't call
01:28:03
her any names some guy writes me and goes way - way to go buddy mocking mocking someone's doubt at a
01:28:12
moment when all its clickbait all you're gonna do is gain a couple of followers
01:28:15
from it congratulations and I wrote back to him hey buddy I'm a comedian this is Twitter that and gaining some
01:28:23
followers office something I tweet is exactly what we're doing here what the
01:28:27
[ __ ] do you think we're doing you twitter is a none of this matters twitter is fake this isn't CNN this
01:28:33
isn't a news source so that's my point is like we know bad friends fans know
01:28:37
this is all for fun god we're gonna be fine it's all for fun no I the reason why I
01:28:44
do in this mm-hmm is because I'm tired of like waiting in line and then saying
01:28:53
things that people tell me to say and then I'm going conforming to what people
01:28:57
want me to conform to totally originally I did this just so that I could just say
01:29:01
whatever the [ __ ] I want to we do that's the [ __ ] that's half and if I know but
01:29:04
my point though is is that there are times where I lay in bed and I go you know is it is Andrew and I prehistoric
01:29:11
are we saying things we shouldn't yeah I don't have we not changed or thinking
01:29:16
where do you want to what do you want to change well I want to be able to get to
01:29:19
the point where I look at ondrea's I don't call them fancy [ __ ] but it's so
01:29:24
far so real though he is a fancy [ __ ] and that's the thing that I can't get my
01:29:30
head okay so I would argue the language that kind of language yeah and he knows it's in jest he's our friend he's
01:29:35
laughing he's laughing like love and fancy being hurt right I think I think knowing that there is nothing but love
01:29:44
and friendship in this room that the context is endearing is the only way we can move forward with language knowing
01:29:51
that none of that is none of that is intently meant to be mean right yeah the guy that was a whole mystery mystery
01:30:01
with the cinetic he doesn't have that relationship with John so he can't do
01:30:05
that [ __ ] right everything is ER did I but he did but you you could have been like hey don't say that [ __ ] I don't
01:30:11
like that [ __ ] you're not my friend yeah and and getting rid of that as a whole
01:30:15
of a white guy going oh if you wanted to get rid of it as a whole then you should
01:30:21
say I don't want to hear it anymore it's not fun anymore yeah I don't want that
01:30:23
you know what say yeah you doing Asian access dude yeah go ahead hurts my feelings okay and I don't want you to do
01:30:31
it anymore [Music] you heard it here fourth that's why it's funny yeah none of it is none of there's
01:30:43
no negative intent I really meant that but it's okay yeah there's no negative
01:30:52
intent I think that's them that's the purpose the problem is yeah it's like I
01:30:55
said it's a [ __ ] vague line why is it that when we on each other it's we know it's love and
01:31:01
then when the medic says something like you know demeaning it's more seriously
01:31:08
there there's an unwritten rule of friendship and relationships that you don't that we'll never be able to
01:31:13
explain yeah it's like if I was a medic and the guy was redheaded mm-hm and I said here you're ahead fill
01:31:20
in here some lucky charm yeah yeah I mean like I wouldn't do that if I didn't
01:31:24
know the person but if you know them it's funny it's funny if I know them but
01:31:28
it's like the medic doesn't know me your master is crazy about it well but you
01:31:32
like it is it in his in his head it thinks it's okay because you sometimes perpetuate it maybe you bring it on or
01:31:41
say it's okay or you encourage it right okay so if you say be more woke mmm then
01:31:47
you would need to be more vocal about things you don't like when people do it
01:31:50
yeah I'm not gonna stop with you I don't want you to stop that's what I'm saying
01:31:56
yeah but I know that that's a thing that exists yeah andreas the if he doesn't like you
01:32:01
calling him a fancy B if you didn't like it and andreas when I call you a fancy B
01:32:07
yeah does that offend you know do you think it's funny or you think this is annoying
01:32:12
I think it's funny is it annoying though no there we go i and here's the thing we
01:32:18
pay him so we can say whatever we want to him that's he's ours we own him yeah
01:32:22
that's a power play yeah you're our employee and we own you you understand
01:32:25
yeah say yes you say yes sirs yes it's so terrible here's a no but if you but
01:32:32
if you were annoyed you'd probably say something yeah but this is a relationship of a comedy show that's the
01:32:37
whole point I know what you mean you want to be more woke no I don't I mean you said sometimes you lay in bed I and
01:32:43
III I think to myself why is it that I find certain things humorous that you know these Millennials wouldn't okay let
01:32:53
me stop you right there right this is this is - there's two parts to this that
01:32:56
I think what you just said why do I find it funny why do you find it funny that making fun of our
01:33:01
differences that when you make fun of my stupid ugly red face and you make fun of
01:33:05
him and we make fun why is it that we find that funny because it's comforting
01:33:08
because we know that's the thing we share it's like I make fun of you you
01:33:12
make fun of me you may funny George George really we always just make fun of George he doesn't have
01:33:16
anybody yeah but that's just that's that's the relationship that exists so
01:33:20
I'm saying you find it funny because it's inherently funny to tease each
01:33:23
other about think differences I think that that's differences make us like that since the dawn of time
01:33:28
no [ __ ] of course right of course yes of course yeah there is an unhealthy version and there's a healthy version in
01:33:33
my opinion us [ __ ] around in here healthy we're in a [ __ ] this is our this is our vacuum what this is what we
01:33:39
love on the outside if you want to be more woke yeah that's social awareness
01:33:44
but that's just that's a balance that we'll learn over time right like you
01:33:49
know how when you see okay when you're out in public and and when you see a when you're when you're in the corner
01:33:55
store and a black guy walks into the corner store yeah you know how you usually go run and you leave yeah you
01:34:03
can't do that anymore alright right you know its language is delicate and it's all contextual that's
01:34:10
what I'll say yeah you know what you know what I hate to write one time I was
01:34:15
walking down the street I was in Cleveland I was going to hilarity was or something okay and I I was going from
01:34:23
the club to you know it's not that far from the club to the hotel right so I
01:34:28
was walking and I was like do I have my key right so I always put my key in my right back pocket do I have my key as
01:34:36
soon as I did this I was walking by a black person because I'm not gonna steal
01:34:40
your wallet [ __ ] house and that and I walk back oh I didn't say that out loud it looks like you were protecting
01:34:51
your wallet it looks like I was no I was just like at the same time I'm not gonna
01:34:55
you're right yeah he's like am I gonna steal your [ __ ] right my wallet happened
01:34:59
to be back there but you know another incident I was in DC what did you put what did you say back to him nothing I
01:35:08
just let him pass and I was just like angry that I'm like dude I don't think
01:35:12
that [ __ ] you should have said him he goes yeah but I don't we also I always
01:35:18
feel like if I get in a confrontation with somebody it's gonna exceed to a let's play it out you say to me you say
01:35:24
to me yeah this is how it should have gone you say to me I'm not gonna tear while
01:35:28
we're walking the black I am I'm you ready I'm not gonna steal your wallet
01:35:32
[ __ ] well it's happened before [Laughter] another thing is I was in DCEO is that a
01:35:42
hot dog in that place that huh that Bill Cosby loves a hot dog place indeed Bill
01:35:45
Cosby I hate hot talked about I love B okay yeah yeah yeah and I was at that hot dog place and I was walking out of
01:35:51
there and I was like in the way of a black man and I go and and I excuse me brother he knew you I said I'm not your
01:36:03
brother mm-hmm right and Mike yeah I was black or not that I was just like you know I
01:36:10
know we're not little brothers but you're a fellow human being like I didn't say that I just I don't want yeah
01:36:17
you felt like you did you said yeah that the wrong you my brother is a term of endearment
01:36:21
right so you know people were so overly even stranger they're so overly just
01:36:28
sensitive and yeah but it depends on your approach and depends on their mood right yeah I shouldn't take it
01:36:34
personally because I don't know their life experiences I have no idea I've
01:36:39
never walked in their shoes I have no idea right you know where they're coming
01:36:43
at well you probably have nicer shoes in them that's the other side of I have
01:36:46
$800 pair of golden goose let's play out the scene that you said I'm not your
01:36:50
brother let's see how this should have gone I'm the black guy again yeah and I'm you ready yeah here we go
01:36:55
all right oh excuse me brother I didn't mean again I'm not your brother [ __ ] thank
01:37:03
God my brother successful and smart and not trash like you that's what you should have said no but you know what
01:37:11
though by the way you doing the bad black voice is bad that that's and I just did that's my point though what if
01:37:19
you want to get you know no [ __ ] you because [ __ ] you because hey wait a minute
01:37:23
I'm just saying I know you want to be more wolf then you have to do his voice
01:37:26
and it can't be like I'm not your brother [ __ ] I was a little that was a listen
01:37:33
then I'm impersonating everybody whether they're black or white so let's do that
01:37:37
you want me to do this so you you do you be me again okay no you be you and then I'll be the black guy no
01:37:43
I will show you I'll show you how you should have said it if you were the black guy here's how
01:37:47
okay you wanna get the laughs here okay good yeah here's what the black I should
01:37:54
have sounded like all right so um excuse me brother I'm not your brother oh I should have done it like that
01:38:03
yeah just regular voice yeah you were like I'm not your brother [ __ ] like it was a 70s [ __ ] do it could we
01:38:10
do one thing that's super racist just cut it out leave it in no cut it up see
01:38:16
this is how I wanted to say it okay so I'll do let's do here the black eye I'm
01:38:20
the black guy yeah so I go excuse me brother I'm not your brother [ __ ] oh I want my brother just texted me so I
01:38:32
want to promote speaking of real brothers speaking of real brothers yeah Stevie we be Bob's brother new album was
01:38:41
a new EP that just came out yeah he's he's uh it's called ode to my pops ode
01:38:46
to my pops he sent it to me his his hip-hop name is Guang Wu which is his Korean name that says that's it so
01:38:52
that's I was gonna say I was like what is that Kwame you a n G oh you kuang kuang goo it's called ode to my pops EP
01:39:00
cuz my dad died in August and yeah he wrote an EP and it's really good I've
01:39:05
listened to it I love it it's on Stevie we be VanCamp calm yeah we'll put up the
01:39:11
link in the description go to Stevie we be Bandcamp calm yes my brother been working hard on it and Eric Griffin
01:39:17
loves it I love it yeah love it and keep this [ __ ] I think yeah he's a talented
01:39:22
young man can you plug in my phone my phone dude I just got this text hey you guys my phone is on Bluetooth I want to
01:39:29
see if I can hear them jacks right here all right you knew Michael Rosenbaum is yeah I
01:39:33
love him I don't think you do because uh why he goes hey gorgeous can you get
01:39:38
Andrew Santino on my pod nobody is doing [ __ ] he's got time love ya we all have
01:39:45
time we're all dying so Michael Rossum he texted him and I already texted about it I just can't get
01:39:50
a schedule down between doing mine and this one well you have your own quarantine you have everyday this just
01:39:56
happened Bob you have every day free don't [ __ ] might with my friend man he's
01:40:01
Lex Luthor bro he he wanted to schedule this before the quarantine when I was on
01:40:05
the road this you're getting a text today now that we're in quarantine yeah
01:40:08
I'm gonna I'm gonna call him right hey Michael so Andrew Santino I'm next to him right
01:40:21
now and he goes I go can you do his podcast and Andrew Santino literally this is a little bit
01:40:27
of [ __ ] that guy yeah that's what I said so I don't know what that means
01:40:34
Rosi Rosi I actually said I said I said I don't like anybody that associates
01:40:39
with you Bobby so [ __ ] that guy I don't like him at all I don't like the way he
01:40:44
looks well he basically said he has all the time in the world so he'll schedule
01:40:48
okay yeah maybe dad Korean name was and he said some like son Jeep something and
01:41:03
I go what's my what's my Korean name he said all right Michael he'll call you
01:41:13
and to reschedule okay suck dick to suck dick you all right just two seconds this
01:41:20
I want to play this two seconds is your brother your brother ready so dope like it that's it I know I do I do like it a
01:41:37
lot he sent it to me and I enjoy I don't know how much of it we can play without
01:41:40
[ __ ] iTunes or somebody getting I gotta go back to the quarantine so I think we should end it
01:41:44
okay mm-hmm all right look into the camera and end it thank you for being a bad friend
01:41:52
can we do with an axe [Music] you