00:00:00
This podcast is powered by Hule Hel. New
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customers can use code bad friends for
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15% off plus a free gift. Yay. Ciao. I'm
00:00:10
in Italy, but this week I will be in
00:00:13
Edmonton and Winnipeg, Canada. Come see
00:00:16
me Edmonton and Winnipeg. Go
00:00:19
toino.com to Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello,
00:00:22
mate. You all right, mate? I'm all
00:00:23
right, mate. We're going to be coming to
00:00:25
London and Dublin July 18th and 19th.
00:00:27
These are the only two shows we're doing
00:00:28
in 2025 together. Yeah. International
00:00:31
boys, we're done. If you're living in
00:00:33
Scotland, go to London. If you're living
00:00:34
in somewhere else, go to, you know,
00:00:36
right? It's easy. If you're living in
00:00:37
Scotland, go to England. And if you're
00:00:40
living in um Norway, please fly to
00:00:43
Dublin. Yeah. Yeah. Or Poland. And
00:00:44
Poland. If you're living in Poland, you
00:00:46
probably got to come to our Polish show.
00:00:47
We're doing one Polish sausage show.
00:00:49
We're not July 18th and 19th, London and
00:00:51
Dublin. Go to badfriend.com.
00:00:52
Badfriendpod.com. You two are bad
00:00:55
friends. Who are these two idiots? A
00:00:58
white dude and an Asian dude. You two
00:01:01
are disgusting.
00:01:03
You two are something. We're bad
00:01:05
friends. Ladies and gentlemen, she
00:01:08
returns. She has risen. It's Rudy
00:01:11
Jewels.
00:01:14
She's been away from the show for too
00:01:16
long. She's been doing a lot of Tiger
00:01:18
Belly, a lot of Belly Tiger, a lot of
00:01:20
trash Tuesday. I have an intro that I
00:01:23
prepared. Oh, sorry about that. Can I
00:01:26
Can I Yeah, please. It's going to take a
00:01:28
couple minutes. Yeah, do
00:01:38
it. Hello, my weary travelers. My boat
00:01:41
crashed along a seashore and I ran into
00:01:44
a fair, the Renaissance fair. And I saw
00:01:47
many things. chalicees being made, chain
00:01:50
mails, and I also
00:01:52
saw one school
00:01:56
shooter. I saw um a man walking a
00:02:00
pickle. Wow. Yes. And um I have found my
00:02:04
people. And I have some gifts for you
00:02:06
all if if I may. If I may. Did you
00:02:10
really? Yes. Honestly.
00:02:16
Will you play the uh bird again? Yeah.
00:02:17
Yeah, that's beautiful
00:02:23
for jewels. I'm not kidding. I love that
00:02:24
thing. Yeah, jewels. I bought you a It's
00:02:28
a wand. It's a wand. Yeah, that's what
00:02:29
they call it. Come, come grab it.
00:02:36
Play the bird. Play the bird. Play the
00:02:38
bird, bud. Okay. Sorry.
00:02:41
There's not enough water. I got to put
00:02:42
some more water in. Very good. Okay.
00:02:44
Very good. Yeah. Put some more water.
00:02:46
Perfect.
00:02:48
Whoa. Needs water.
00:02:53
Oh, king. What is that? King, I got you.
00:02:56
Voldemort's wand. God
00:02:58
bless. Oh,
00:03:02
blow the blow the bird. Okay.
00:03:07
Thank you. Here. Thank you. And then
00:03:11
and then dude for my for my friend
00:03:14
Carlo. Oh, come please.
00:03:19
blow the burn.
00:03:21
[Music]
00:03:22
[Laughter]
00:03:25
Here's a one for you, my friend. Wow.
00:03:28
Here you go. All right. Don't jam much.
00:03:30
Do not do not jam it in your ass. Yeah.
00:03:33
Happy birthday, Carlos. Stop it. And
00:03:35
then McCullen, please come.
00:03:41
[Laughter]
00:03:43
I gave you an a black bird charmer. Here
00:03:47
you go, my friend. Cool. Andreas. Hey.
00:03:50
Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. What do you say, you
00:03:52
idiot? Yeah. Yeah. You bow or something.
00:03:54
Andreas. Come here. I have a gift for
00:03:56
you, too. Thank you. I have a gift for
00:03:57
you, too, Andreas. This is a big one.
00:04:05
Right. This is a ceramic penis.
00:04:11
Bibbidity bobby boot. Yeah. Yeah. Booty
00:04:13
boop. And that's that's that is it. I
00:04:16
had a joyous day. Yeah. Thank you so
00:04:18
much. And then you just got drunk all
00:04:20
day, huh? Yeah.
00:04:23
Yeah. Smash. Yeah. How'd you get here?
00:04:25
Uber. Oh, good. Uber. Uber. My friend
00:04:29
Yeah. Can I tell you something? This
00:04:31
means more than I think you know to me.
00:04:33
me. Why does it? Well, because you don't
00:04:35
buy me stuff. Yeah. This is special.
00:04:37
That was one of the most expensive ones
00:04:39
there. How much?
00:04:41
$50. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So, we
00:04:44
saw on Instagram Bobby went to the
00:04:46
Renaissance Fair. First time ever. Yes.
00:04:48
First time. Last time. First time. First
00:04:50
time. I'm going next Sunday. You are?
00:04:51
Yeah. And Jules is going to come. Are
00:04:53
you really going? Are you excited? I
00:04:55
want to go. Are there elves? Oh my god.
00:04:57
There's elves. There's orcs. There's
00:05:00
everything that you can desire. Well,
00:05:01
explain to us how looks really cool.
00:05:03
What? Shut up, fancy. Shut up. Honestly,
00:05:05
shut up. That was me. Phony at the fair
00:05:08
today. You're at the fair with your
00:05:09
friend Britney. Yes. And so I'm proud
00:05:12
that you draw you dressed up. Well, you
00:05:14
can rent. See, that's that's where I
00:05:16
made the mistake. You rented I came like
00:05:18
this. Yeah. And then I went to the store
00:05:20
and I rented that vest. Good looking
00:05:22
vest. And I was just jamming out here in
00:05:24
front of this. Yeah. It
00:05:26
was I'm telling you, dude, that was a
00:05:30
song. You loved it. I saw jousting. I
00:05:32
saw a couple of plays. Wow. Yeah. Yeah.
00:05:34
It was a very enjoyable thing. So,
00:05:36
you'll go back. I'm going to go back
00:05:37
next Sunday. Yeah. With Jules and
00:05:39
Dumbfounded and Jean and also Andrea
00:05:42
Jin. Look at that. You look good. And
00:05:44
I'm going to I'm going to we're going to
00:05:45
dress as and I'm going to get your dress
00:05:48
as peasants. Uh but but Asian peasants.
00:05:52
So, my fantasy is this. Wait, that's not
00:05:54
Asian peasants. Whatever you did before.
00:05:55
No, that wasn't Asian peasants. Who's
00:05:57
that? Who's that woman? That's Britney
00:05:58
the girl I was with. Carlos, stop
00:06:00
creeping. Stop creeping. Carlos, stop
00:06:02
creeping, dude. Don't don't don't. Okay.
00:06:06
No. I want to the bird. Okay. Okay.
00:06:11
Okay. You want to communicate? Yeah.
00:06:19
Dude, that's a connection we'll always
00:06:21
experience for the rest of our lives.
00:06:23
So, what I want to say to you is is that
00:06:25
we're dressed as, you know, I mean,
00:06:26
Japanese rice farmers from the 17th
00:06:29
century and our our little canoe got
00:06:32
lost and we ended up in the shores of
00:06:34
this English countryside. Yeah. And we
00:06:37
end up at Renaissance fair and we'll
00:06:38
have samurai swords and I'm going to
00:06:40
wear the little rice patty hats and
00:06:42
we're going to get you like a dress. You
00:06:44
know what I mean? Okay. Okay. Or unless
00:06:46
you want to Well, unless you want to
00:06:47
dress. How would you like to dress? Like
00:06:50
the elves. Okay. kind of dress like the
00:06:53
Philippines. The Philippines don't have
00:06:54
d Well, elves, I mean. Yeah, we do.
00:06:58
Yeah. Yeah. Those are called um
00:07:01
crickets. Those are Filipino crickets,
00:07:03
dude. They're not elves. What does it
00:07:04
say in your sweater? Oh, is that a
00:07:06
Filipino cricket or elf? Piglet. Piglet.
00:07:09
That's a piglet. What's been going on
00:07:11
with you, Jules? Do you Do you always
00:07:13
get drunk on Easter? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
00:07:16
For Jesus. Yeah. Nice try, Jews. You
00:07:18
know what I mean?
00:07:21
Yeah, dude. This is the Andrew I like.
00:07:23
We got you, dude. So, did you um go egg
00:07:25
hunting? Oh, yeah. Yeah, you did.
00:07:28
Something little something like that.
00:07:28
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What was in those
00:07:30
little eggs, huh? A little bit of money.
00:07:32
Really? Chocolate. Yeah. You and your
00:07:34
buddies, huh? Charlie Day, Jason
00:07:37
Baitman. Why did you bring you bring
00:07:38
these names that aren't relevant at all?
00:07:44
Hollywood. And so happy. So, who did I
00:07:46
go egg hunting with? I have no idea.
00:07:48
You're fancy friends. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
00:07:50
I Allison Janney and Yeah, of course.
00:07:52
Bradley Whitford. The whole cast of
00:07:54
West. Bradley. Bradley Cooper. Yeah.
00:07:56
Yeah. Yeah. Bradley. No. Bradley
00:07:58
Whitford. The whole the whole And John
00:08:00
Ham. John Ham and I had lunch today.
00:08:02
Really? Are you being real? No.
00:08:03
[ __ ] Do you know John? No. Oh, I
00:08:06
met him once. You do? Yeah. One time I
00:08:08
met him.
00:08:12
Time out. Yeah. Let's be honest. Yeah.
00:08:14
Yeah. Are you still mad at Carlos or No,
00:08:17
cuz I feel like there's a lot of tension
00:08:18
from last week. Yeah, but you know,
00:08:21
there I'm a forgiving man and I bought
00:08:23
You really are. I It was really hard to
00:08:25
buy him a wand. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I I
00:08:27
pondered over it for like an hour
00:08:29
looking at it. Be honest. Yeah. Two
00:08:31
hours. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I
00:08:33
went, you know what? He deserves a wand.
00:08:36
He does. Yes, Bob. So, you know, when uh
00:08:39
Voldemort or the Jews attack Uhhuh.
00:08:47
Yeah. Um, good boy. Maybe I regret
00:08:49
getting that for McCone, but um,
00:08:52
yeah, he he's going hog wild with it,
00:08:54
but um, it is a beautiful thing. If you
00:08:56
ever Would you ever go? No, you should
00:09:00
go with a situation. Shut up. Yeah.
00:09:02
Yeah. Why wouldn't you go though? It's
00:09:04
so I laugh the whole time. Okay. How
00:09:06
about this? Yeah. Will you come to an
00:09:09
NBA game? Yeah. No, you won't. I will.
00:09:12
You won't? I if you get me tickets,
00:09:14
would you come to an M Dodger game? Will
00:09:17
you sit in a Dodger game? I'll go with
00:09:19
I'll go with you. No, you won't. Yes, if
00:09:20
you You know you won't. I've offered you
00:09:22
before. Outside a contract going I will
00:09:25
go if you go to a run. Sounds fair.
00:09:27
Carlos, can I get some help? For real.
00:09:29
I've offered you to come to You don't
00:09:30
want to come. You've never offered me.
00:09:32
Have you ever heard? Have you ever heard
00:09:33
him offer me? Yes. Thank you, Andreas.
00:09:36
Yes. Yeah, he has for the Lakers,
00:09:37
actually. Yes, I have. I've come to You
00:09:39
won't go to Lakers. Oh, I love it. If
00:09:41
I'm sitting next to [ __ ] Jack
00:09:42
Nicholson, I'll do it. He's dead.
00:09:47
No, but seriously, you won't come to an
00:09:49
NBA game. I will go. That's what it is.
00:09:52
That's an NBA. Look at the women. That's
00:09:53
your NBA. Yeah,
00:09:55
but I I laugh so hard. Like, you know,
00:09:57
there was a play I can't get into this
00:09:59
cuz it's getting in trouble. No. No.
00:10:01
Come on, please. Well, years ago, I was
00:10:02
on a game show and um it was with Rob
00:10:06
Growski in that game show called Game
00:10:07
On. Oh, yeah. Right. And there was like
00:10:10
it was terrible.
00:10:15
Anyway, bad TV. So, I did a joke and the
00:10:20
happy Easter. The producers came up to
00:10:21
me and they go, "We have to cut that
00:10:23
out." I go, "Why? What did you say?" He
00:10:25
goes, "It was racist." What did you say?
00:10:27
I said, "There was a thing about
00:10:28
Renaissance fairs and what's one thing
00:10:30
about the Renaissance fair?" And I go,
00:10:31
"There's no black people." And then they
00:10:34
came up to me and got cut. You can't say
00:10:36
that. Literal fact. When I went there, I
00:10:38
saw three.
00:10:42
Wait a minute. Yeah. But those but these
00:10:44
three though, special kind.
00:10:47
You know what I mean? Oh yeah. Oh, wait.
00:10:49
Wait. Look who we see on the fourth
00:10:50
picture in. Look who we see. My boy. My
00:10:53
dog. Yeah, it's my dog, dude. James, did
00:10:54
you finish it? Yes. Yes. Stop. Yeah.
00:11:00
Yeah. And I It's a fire bothering you,
00:11:03
dude. I love this. You can't do that. I
00:11:06
just did it. I know, but you can't do
00:11:08
it. It was great. Yes. Yes. Yes. I'll do
00:11:12
it. Is the fire bothering you, mom? Dad,
00:11:17
this guy is so [ __ ] James, dude. He's
00:11:19
the biggest dick. Cool. What? He's the
00:11:21
coolest guy. He's the coolest guy. I'm
00:11:22
the coolest guy. I'm so sorry. James, I
00:11:25
just imagined James is the man. But is
00:11:27
he better than Connor? Connor and James
00:11:30
are headtohead. Yeah. For me, they're
00:11:31
headtohead. Yeah. Now, here's here's
00:11:33
Connor. Ready? Yeah.
00:11:36
She's coming.
00:11:38
Oh, I love Dude, I love that he pauses
00:11:41
work. Did you see the last episode? Shh.
00:11:44
Did you? Yeah. Were you mad at me? No,
00:11:47
cuz it was still hot. What a be You know
00:11:49
what? Hot makeup. Now we can talk about
00:11:51
it, you know. No, you can. Well, for the
00:11:53
fans, it's too late now. You had to
00:11:55
watch. But I um Georgie,
00:11:58
I when I kiss somebody, I want to be
00:12:01
like them. Yeah. where it's like they
00:12:03
want you to be the magic. Yeah. You know
00:12:06
what I mean? The magic, the spark, you
00:12:08
know, and that's what I'm waiting for.
00:12:11
Well, Abby has been making out.
00:12:12
Remember, do you remember we ran into
00:12:14
Abby at the airport? Remember, dude,
00:12:16
that was so funny. We were going to
00:12:17
Boston. Where were we going? Boston? We
00:12:19
were going somewhere and Abby and his
00:12:20
mom. Do you guys remember this? Who was
00:12:21
with us? No. Abby and her mom was there.
00:12:23
Yeah. And then um I don't know. I think
00:12:26
I started the conversation with them
00:12:27
first. There she is. There's Abby. And
00:12:29
she was so sweet. The what? Wood,
00:12:33
would I would Abby Carlos Carlos Carlos
00:12:37
got it?
00:12:40
By the way, when he says something
00:12:41
perverse, you always
00:12:43
go. It's really low. Yeah. Uh, she's the
00:12:46
[ __ ] Carlos, Carlos, what would you do
00:12:49
first, Carlos?
00:12:53
Put on a Disney Plus. That's good.
00:12:56
That's good. Smart, right?
00:13:00
You know what I do? Get her some dolphin
00:13:02
stickers. Love. Put some around the
00:13:04
room. Love. And she'll go, "Yay!" or
00:13:06
whatever. You know what I mean? And then
00:13:07
what else?
00:13:09
That's good.
00:13:11
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Jules. Jules. Do you
00:13:13
watch that show? No. You don't see Love
00:13:15
on the Spectrum? You don't watch that?
00:13:16
No. What are you watching right now?
00:13:18
White Lotus. No, she didn't watch that.
00:13:20
The Last of Us. Is there Love on the
00:13:22
Spectrum in the Philippines? Imagine
00:13:24
them. Well, I see. Yeah, they're
00:13:27
drowning in you want to climb the tree.
00:13:31
You want to climb this tree? Yeah, I'm
00:13:33
kidding. So, I don't like Last of Us
00:13:36
because of the mushroom zombies. But
00:13:38
that's the most realistic thing. Cuz
00:13:41
mushroom zombies cortiseps. They do that
00:13:43
to their um That is the most real. Well,
00:13:46
I do have an itchy foot. Is that from
00:13:48
that? You are my fungi. You're You're my
00:13:51
mushroom zombie. Yeah, I got rid of my
00:13:52
fungi through the machines. By the way,
00:13:54
you're no double piercing is that's
00:13:56
right. It's looking good. Good for you,
00:14:00
dude. Are you okay? Yeah. I just think
00:14:03
you're you're not part of us anymore.
00:14:04
You left us. You're Give her what you
00:14:07
miss about her. Well, here's the deal. I
00:14:09
love Jules. We started the show with
00:14:11
Jules and then every time I see her, I'm
00:14:13
like, "Oh, she's not ours anymore." What
00:14:15
do you mean? You know what I mean? Don't
00:14:17
play dumb with me, pal. Did she I
00:14:19
literally You disappeared. You became a
00:14:21
star on other shows. Am I wrong? Am I
00:14:22
wrong? I live with her. I don't Yeah,
00:14:25
I'm not. You're not wrong. You don't
00:14:26
even take care of his house. Well,
00:14:27
check. She abandons the dog sometimes.
00:14:29
No. Too famous. No, I don't. Today, you
00:14:32
walked him at noon at 6:00 and now
00:14:34
you're coming home. That's fine. Where
00:14:36
were you? Where were you? Out with
00:14:38
friends. No, don't Where were you, dude?
00:14:42
I hang out with friends. You were no
00:14:44
friends. What? You should have no
00:14:46
friends,
00:14:50
dude. Thank you. I went to the beach.
00:14:52
You went to 15 milk tea
00:14:54
shops. That's what you did. Yeah. You do
00:14:56
something weird like that. And the dogs
00:14:58
need to get walked and they cry at
00:15:00
night. But they're not being walked cuz
00:15:03
of you. Yeah. Cuz you're you're
00:15:05
negligent
00:15:07
sometimes. Wow. My god. What a mess,
00:15:10
huh? Did you ask for the jar head at the
00:15:12
[ __ ] the hair plant place? I did.
00:15:15
Yeah. Yeah. It's a weird And I get the
00:15:17
jar head from, you know, wait full metal
00:15:19
jacket. I want the haircut from full
00:15:21
metal jacket. Fans. Yeah, fans. What is
00:15:24
it? It doesn't look good. You have to
00:15:26
wait. You have to wait. Okay, that's
00:15:29
you. That's you, dude. Yeah. Yeah. What
00:15:32
are you doing? I don't know what I'm
00:15:34
told.
00:15:38
That's you, dude. My god. And And are
00:15:42
you mad that your people aren't in the
00:15:43
new Star Wars? Yeah. What the crazy?
00:15:46
What do you mean? They just just put
00:15:48
porks in there. Yeah. Porgi porky py and
00:15:52
with the mil. They could be militant
00:15:53
porks, right? With guns.
00:15:57
Chewbacca can't eat us, right? That's
00:15:59
you, dude. You look good, fam. Yeah, you
00:16:01
look really good. Let's go back to the
00:16:03
victim. Can you When you look at your
00:16:05
penis, is it translucent? It seems like
00:16:07
it is.
00:16:09
Okay.
00:16:11
You know what's rude? Put it in your
00:16:12
pocket. Don't put it there. Pervert.
00:16:14
Yeah. You're going to take your wand
00:16:15
home, right, Jules? What's been going on
00:16:17
with Jewels? Well, you keep asking that,
00:16:20
dude. Because she's not around anymore.
00:16:22
I know. She left us, guys. I did leave.
00:16:25
Did she leave us? She's graduating. No.
00:16:27
No. Look at the booth. Did she leave us?
00:16:28
Yeah. She's graduating from college in
00:16:31
two months, right? Yeah. Isn't that
00:16:33
crazy? She started this show when she
00:16:34
was in high school. High school. I know.
00:16:36
Senior in high school. I know. But I
00:16:38
didn't leave you guys. Yes, you did.
00:16:40
Don't Don't Don't. I didn't. Trash
00:16:43
Tuesday and Tiger Valley. Ask me. Not
00:16:47
you guys. fans at home, did she leave
00:16:50
us? Comment down below. Yeah, comment
00:16:52
down below. You know you did. No, I did.
00:16:54
Who gave you the most fun opportunities?
00:16:57
Funny. And she doesn't take them. No.
00:16:59
Yeah. Come down to Long Beach. Get
00:17:01
appreciated. I don't want to. I don't
00:17:02
want to. I don't. Yeah. Yeah. And it's
00:17:05
fine. And now you're single. She's a hot
00:17:07
shot. She's got money. Does whatever she
00:17:09
wants. Single. It's It's You know what's
00:17:11
so funny about you, too? You claim you
00:17:13
don't have a lot of money, but there's a
00:17:15
lot of Amazon packages for you. A lot.
00:17:17
goes, "I need underwear." No, that's not
00:17:20
Nobody's ordering underwear. Go to Ross.
00:17:22
I need underwear and hangers. See,
00:17:24
people like you. This people are like
00:17:26
ungrateful. Ungrateful. Ungrateful
00:17:28
people. Yeah. People like, "What has
00:17:30
Tito Bobby done for you? Literally
00:17:31
everything. And here you are ordering
00:17:33
underwear off of
00:17:37
Amazon. Disgusting. Heavy metal [ __ ]
00:17:45
What have you done?
00:17:49
I don't know. I don't know. I don't
00:17:51
know. What have you done for me? Move
00:17:52
away. Can I tell you something? What?
00:17:54
[ __ ] you. When you posted that photo of
00:17:56
you at the Renaissance Fair, I literally
00:17:58
said I go, "He looks happier than I've
00:18:00
seen him in years." Yeah. No, I'm
00:18:01
serious. Put up the photo. I'm not
00:18:03
kidding. I saw that photo today. Which
00:18:05
one? With me and Brit or just me
00:18:06
dancing? You and Brit, dude. I was like,
00:18:08
"You guys, you look so stoked."
00:18:11
You know why? This is my friend. You
00:18:13
know, I know, dude. But I'm just saying,
00:18:14
you know why? Pretty. Yeah. Very, very
00:18:17
pretty. You know why? Yeah. Because
00:18:19
you're having I can tell right there.
00:18:21
You're goofing. You're having fun. And
00:18:23
you're goofing. I said, "Oh, man. He's
00:18:25
goofing. He's having a good time." And I
00:18:26
guarantee you, you got recognized a lot.
00:18:28
And you were jamming and having a good
00:18:29
day. Well, I'll be honest with you. I
00:18:31
had Carlos. I had two fairies. Am I
00:18:33
right? I had two fairies. Two
00:18:34
executioners. Who' you get recognized?
00:18:36
The king. a king recognize you. Another
00:18:39
one, this is a funny one, dude. A man,
00:18:41
so he was holding something on a leash
00:18:44
and there was like a man with no shirt
00:18:46
on, black leather pants. I don't know
00:18:48
what he was. He was holding something on
00:18:50
the leash and I go, "That's" And I and I
00:18:52
followed the leash down and there was
00:18:54
another
00:18:55
man as like a dog or something. Sure.
00:18:58
Just crawling on the ground like that.
00:19:00
Sure. Yeah. So you have that, too. What
00:19:02
do you mean? That's just what do you
00:19:03
mean his and the dog the dog human
00:19:05
recognizes you went my
00:19:07
prank said my prank I prank yeah so that
00:19:12
was nice that's a real thing there by
00:19:13
the way you do see like people on
00:19:15
leashes huh there's a lot of weird
00:19:16
things there a lot of trans which I
00:19:18
support
00:19:22
I do I know but yeah yeah and it's a
00:19:24
couple me lady and he goes he lady
00:19:30
m yeah yeah Sorry. Sorry. Yeah. Yeah.
00:19:32
Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, that was one
00:19:34
of those situations. That's okay. Yeah.
00:19:35
It's okay. You're You're g I was
00:19:37
gathering information. You're gathering
00:19:39
information as you It's a long walk.
00:19:41
It's a lot of walking. What? Orange
00:19:43
County. Where was this? It's in
00:19:44
Pasadena. Got to be. It was a long, but
00:19:46
it it just goes on forever and then it's
00:19:49
like I I ate crepes. Yeah. Okay. You
00:19:52
like sweet or savory crap? Sweet.
00:19:55
Nutella. Yeah. Yeah. Love. Strawberry.
00:19:58
You like pink berry or yogurt land?
00:20:01
I hate Pink Berry so much it's
00:20:03
unbelievable. It's a fake place. It's
00:20:06
dog [ __ ] Yeah. Give me ice cream.
00:20:09
Frozen yogurt is a lie. Am I right,
00:20:12
guys? It's a lie. It's not a lie. It's a
00:20:14
lie. Tell me this. Pink berry can't
00:20:18
compete with Salt and Straw,
00:20:19
McConnell's, Vanluen. It doesn't even
00:20:21
come close. It's a cleaner taste,
00:20:24
though. But it doesn't satisfy you. It
00:20:26
does. No, it doesn't. With a chocolate
00:20:28
malt crunch. The [ __ ] it does, dude.
00:20:30
Chocolate. Ice cream is better than
00:20:32
frozen yogurt every day of the week.
00:20:35
Everyone knows ice cream.
00:20:43
Cash app. You owe me money. You know
00:20:44
that. I know. And you know what? I sent
00:20:46
it to you on Cash App. You have to send
00:20:47
it to me on Cash App cuz app safe, easy,
00:20:50
and fast way to send, receive, and
00:20:51
transfer money to family and friends.
00:20:53
Bobby and I are both a family and
00:20:55
friends. It's so easy to get started.
00:20:56
Just enter your phone number, email. No
00:20:58
bank account needed at all. And your
00:21:00
money, my money showed up right away. No
00:21:02
waiting around for days now, man. It's
00:21:04
your money. You shouldn't have to wait.
00:21:05
Cash App has your back. If you're about
00:21:07
to send money to a sketchy account, uh,
00:21:09
a scam warning pops up. Do you feel way
00:21:11
more relaxed knowing Cash App has your
00:21:12
back? Cuz you should. It does. And by
00:21:15
the way, I got scammed on one of these
00:21:17
uh, money transfer things. I'm not going
00:21:18
to tell you which one, but somebody was
00:21:20
using my money to rent boats in Florida
00:21:22
and go fishing. That was me, dude. That
00:21:24
was you? And really good yellow fish.
00:21:26
Well, I'll tell you what. I use I love
00:21:28
using Cash App because it's fast, it's
00:21:30
safe, and it makes life way less
00:21:32
stressful. All right, so from now on,
00:21:34
all you got to use is Cash App. It's the
00:21:36
best. Uh for a limited time only, the
00:21:38
new Cash App users can use our exclusive
00:21:39
code to earn some additional cash for
00:21:41
real. No catch. Just download Cash App.
00:21:44
Use your code bad friends. When you sign
00:21:46
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00:21:49
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00:21:52
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00:21:54
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00:23:08
Ice cream is so much better than frozen
00:23:10
yogurt. Everyone in your nose, please,
00:23:12
somebody, please. Okay. Pinkberry is
00:23:16
lactose. Huh? Are you lactose? No, I'm
00:23:18
Christian. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I'm
00:23:20
lactose, but I'm converting to
00:23:21
Christian. You're the first Korean Jew
00:23:23
that I've ever met. I know, dude. My
00:23:25
tummy.
00:23:27
No, dude. You don't. You can't have ice
00:23:29
cream. I know. But when we go out, No,
00:23:31
you have. You just take a lactate. I
00:23:33
like a lactate. I like a lactate. I like
00:23:35
a lactate. Can you have lactose? I
00:23:38
don't, but I still eat it. Yeah. Your
00:23:40
stomach gets upset, man. What it's like
00:23:42
to be Jewish in South Korea. Let's zoom
00:23:45
in. I'm shocked. Yeah, they they're they
00:23:48
are there.
00:23:50
Wow. Not one of those people South
00:23:51
Korean. Yeah. Look. Well, look at the
00:23:52
one in the hat right there. That's
00:23:54
that's like a Korean Jew right there.
00:23:56
Korean. I can't wait to leave. Yeah.
00:23:58
Look at your little wand, by the way. Do
00:24:00
you like your wand? It's so nice.
00:24:05
What are you texting? Nothing. You're on
00:24:07
your [ __ ] Here's the deal about Bob.
00:24:09
When he falls in love with somebody or
00:24:11
falls in crush, whatever, he's on his
00:24:14
phone the whole time. That's crazy. You
00:24:15
have another crush.
00:24:18
Hard.
00:24:19
Hard. You love You like this person a
00:24:23
lot.
00:24:25
No, let me do my own. Sorry.
00:24:31
Dating addiction.
00:24:34
Maybe cut that out. Carlos thinks Yeah,
00:24:36
that felt weird. It didn't hit. Carlos
00:24:38
thinks you have a dating addiction.
00:24:41
Well, you know, um I've been looking up
00:24:42
liance. Limicks from Ireland. No.
00:24:46
Limrance. And I will love you so very
00:24:49
much. What is it? Limrance is um an
00:24:52
infatuation with somebody that's
00:24:54
bordering on unhealthy. Do you think
00:24:56
that's what you have? I don't know. So,
00:24:58
I'm being mindful about how I behave.
00:25:00
You know, why why can't I deserve love?
00:25:04
That's what we're saying. No, we're not
00:25:06
saying No, we're literally saying I want
00:25:08
you to be happy. Am I wrong? I I think
00:25:10
you're a sabotager. Why? I don't know,
00:25:13
man. How would you ever hook me up with
00:25:16
a friend of yours? Yeah. And can I tell
00:25:17
you something? Every time you date
00:25:20
someone or starts talking to someone, I
00:25:22
do something. Do what do you think I do?
00:25:23
A prayer. And I'm going to say this to
00:25:25
the fans right now. Yeah. What do you
00:25:26
think I really do? A prayer. No. What do
00:25:28
you do? Every time you date somebody, I
00:25:31
look into their profile. And what's the
00:25:34
first thing you think I do, Carlos? What
00:25:35
do you think I do with their profile?
00:25:36
Let me guess. You jerk off. Uhuh.
00:25:38
Carlos, what do you think I do? I think
00:25:39
you look at the stories. I see.
00:25:42
You look at the stone. I see if that Go
00:25:44
ahead, M. If she's following a bunch of
00:25:46
other comics. Uh-huh. Thank you, M.
00:25:49
Okay. I go, how many people comics is
00:25:52
she following? And then I also see, has
00:25:56
she
00:25:58
DM'd anyone we know? And the current
00:26:01
woman that you're having a good time
00:26:05
with, Gusk,
00:26:09
that means she's a good one. Am I wrong?
00:26:11
Yeah. Yeah. She's not following a lot of
00:26:12
comics and she hasn't been DMing comics.
00:26:15
Yeah. That means she's legit. She likes
00:26:18
She's not a chuckle [ __ ] Well, no.
00:26:19
She likes Bobby Lee. Instead of liking
00:26:22
the world of Bobby Lee, she likes Bobby
00:26:24
Lee. And that to me, as the booth knows,
00:26:27
is the most important. Have I not
00:26:29
supported you? Seriously?
00:26:32
[Music]
00:26:33
Enough of that. I think people are going
00:26:35
to drive it's going to drive people
00:26:36
crazy.
00:26:37
Yeah. No, but am I being serious? Yes.
00:26:40
When I see she's following other
00:26:41
comments, blah blah blah. And let me
00:26:42
tell you something. I looked into golf.
00:26:45
And when I see a golf ball, right, I
00:26:47
look at it different because of you. And
00:26:49
what do you do? Sorry. That's what
00:26:51
happens. It never arrives to me. He
00:26:54
drifts away from me like you do. I'll
00:26:56
get it. We get one. You got a kid
00:26:57
that'll get it. Yeah. Good girl. Oh my
00:27:00
god. Oh my. You
00:27:02
mean King Dork. And don't get offended
00:27:05
by this if I may. Go ahead. Right. This
00:27:07
look this the texture of the ball is
00:27:10
kind of like your face. Oh my god. Go
00:27:12
on.
00:27:15
Go on. Well, I think if you were
00:27:16
younger, maybe you had some acne. Yeah.
00:27:18
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So, I'm feeling
00:27:20
those craters. Oh, you feel that? Yeah.
00:27:23
Yeah. And then, but if the center
00:27:26
there's a mass in there, you know what I
00:27:27
mean? And that's the brain. That's my
00:27:29
brain. Yeah. And that's the brain. And
00:27:30
your brain Yeah. is filled filled. Thank
00:27:33
you. Yeah. With knowledge. Thank you.
00:27:35
Yeah. And Yeah. But this texture of the
00:27:37
skin though is the one I want to go
00:27:39
back. Is it bad? Not my favorite. Yeah.
00:27:42
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, here you
00:27:44
go.
00:27:50
Yeah. I'll take that hit. Yeah. Yeah.
00:27:52
What do I remind you of? An ugly old
00:27:55
52-y old man who's single and sad.
00:27:59
Wow. That that was fast. That was fast
00:28:02
and furious. Part of six, I'll tell you
00:28:05
that.
00:28:06
Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, you're the
00:28:09
prettiest guy. You're pretty. And who
00:28:11
supports you more than me? Not these
00:28:13
[ __ ] clowns. Yeah. Shut up. I mean,
00:28:16
now that you're single, what are you
00:28:17
going to do, loser? Eat [ __ ]
00:28:22
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, are you on to
00:28:24
girls? Are you on to girls? I don't
00:28:25
know, but I'll try. That's the thing
00:28:27
about That's the thing about Love on the
00:28:29
Spectrum. The autistic kids, they when
00:28:31
they're like, I don't know if I like
00:28:32
guys, they go right to uh by curious and
00:28:39
I'm autistic. Yes. Yeah. But the two
00:28:42
girls in there got together. Yeah. Yeah.
00:28:44
And they're in love. I'm saying Perry.
00:28:46
Yeah. She likes trains. Perry. Yeah.
00:28:48
Yeah. Yeah. I love her. I love her. So,
00:28:50
what are you you're interested in chicks
00:28:52
or No. Yeah. Anything. No. You're open.
00:28:56
M but what do you you're leaning towards
00:28:58
girls now?
00:29:00
No, just both. Okay. But I want to try
00:29:04
BBC, too. Huh? What? What? What? What?
00:29:07
What? What? What? What? Big Black [ __ ]
00:29:09
Yeah. No. No. No. No. Yes. Well,
00:29:12
attention all BBC's.
00:29:15
[Laughter]
00:29:18
There it is. That's yours. Wow. Send in
00:29:20
your uh Don't send in your penis. That's
00:29:23
disgusting. That's disgusting. Sending
00:29:24
your send in your uh what I mean a
00:29:27
video. No, no, no. Cuz they'll do penis
00:29:30
like measurements. No. No. No. Your
00:29:32
credit rating. Yes. Yes. Your credit
00:29:35
rating. Send them what kind of car you
00:29:37
drive. You drive a Challenger or a
00:29:39
Charger uh at Carlos in the
00:29:42
boothgmail.com. Let's see if you can get
00:29:44
some chocolate love down here to
00:29:46
Cinnamon Central. So, when we're at the
00:29:48
Renaissance Sons Fair, right, we ran
00:29:50
into a couple of little Asian girls.
00:29:52
They're in their 30s, but they're like
00:29:54
smaller. Forever girls. And we were
00:29:55
eating and stuff like that. And then my
00:29:57
friend goes, "Yeah." They're going,
00:29:59
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yum. Yum.
00:30:03
Look at that. There's Brad Williams."
00:30:05
Yeah. Yeah. Stop, dude.
00:30:08
And then and then they look like, you
00:30:10
know, um, librarians or whatever. Or,
00:30:12
you know what I mean? Or they were like
00:30:13
dental assistants. Dental assistants.
00:30:15
Yeah. And then my friend goes, "Oh,
00:30:17
they're the two biggest Only fans." So
00:30:19
then I immediately go, "What's their
00:30:20
only fans?" What do you mean? There's
00:30:22
two little people. No, they're not
00:30:23
dwarves, but they're just smaller Asians
00:30:25
that look cute and look like engineers
00:30:28
and they're famous only fans. Yeah.
00:30:30
Yeah. And so then I frantically, you
00:30:31
know, they're forcing people trying to
00:30:32
get their Only Fans. Put What are they?
00:30:34
What's her name? Right. I'm not going to
00:30:35
say, but my point is is that And ooh la
00:30:37
la. It was nice. Nice. Nice. You never
00:30:39
can tell. You never can tell. That's my
00:30:41
thing. Are you going to do apps now? You
00:30:43
never did the apps. Like Tinder. Oh,
00:30:46
like No. Hinge. Tinder. Rya. Try it. Ry
00:30:50
is yours, right? That's what you're on.
00:30:52
Yeah, you can get on probably Ry, but I
00:30:53
don't like the guys on Ry to go get on,
00:30:56
you know, cuz your generation not do the
00:30:59
apps. They do, but like all the guys
00:31:02
there just want to [ __ ] Yeah. I think
00:31:05
you're asexual. Is that what it is? No,
00:31:07
but I mean, like, isn't that what all
00:31:08
the apps are? Am I crazy? Yeah. Yeah.
00:31:11
Fancy don't I don't want to fancy you.
00:31:14
She's looking for love. Yeah. You were
00:31:16
never on the apps, right? You met your
00:31:17
wife in where? at a bar. What bar? The
00:31:21
Dodgers uh bar. The Dodgers bar. Do you
00:31:25
Do you mean the shortstop? Yep. Are you
00:31:27
[ __ ] kidding me? No. You met your
00:31:29
wife at the shortstop on Sunset? Uh-huh.
00:31:34
When When you go in for a Jo, shut up.
00:31:36
Honestly, you're the one that's drunk. I
00:31:40
know. Yeah. And you know what? You know,
00:31:42
I'm I'm drunk on Easter and let me tell
00:31:44
you something.
00:31:45
I'm hurt. Oh, let's hear it. Can I be
00:31:48
honest? I'm hurt. Tell us your your hurt
00:31:51
pain. Because Jules was our Oh my god.
00:31:55
She was one of the pillars of this show.
00:31:57
Uhhuh. And she went away and she doesn't
00:32:00
give a [ __ ] about us, dude. You're a
00:32:02
[ __ ] [ __ ] right now, dude. You
00:32:03
don't care about us anymore. I do. No,
00:32:06
you don't. I swear. No, you clean up the
00:32:08
dog poop and you don't care. You know,
00:32:11
your behavior last night was uncalled
00:32:12
for. But I do. We were doing a show at
00:32:15
the Ice House. Usually we switch, but
00:32:17
you told me to close. And then you're
00:32:18
like, "Oh, I don't." Everybody wants the
00:32:20
king to close. Am I right? Yeah. And
00:32:21
then he go and he goes, "Oh, I have
00:32:23
nothing." And then he goes up there and
00:32:25
he destroys. No. With crowd work. No.
00:32:28
And I got buried both shots. I was rife
00:32:30
in it. Yeah. There's Matt rife in it.
00:32:32
Yeah. My guy Dr. Drew Dr. Drew came and
00:32:35
saw us. He diagnosed us. Yeah. Yeah. He
00:32:38
gave us a breakdown. This [ __ ]
00:32:40
can diagnose you live. Yeah. He's a good
00:32:43
guy, though. I gotta tell you, Bob is
00:32:45
ready to film. I'm not ready to film.
00:32:48
Yes, you are. Bobby's hour is so funny.
00:32:51
And I've seen it for two years. We were
00:32:53
on the road. Okay. And now he's been
00:32:55
doing his thing. And I'm not I'm not
00:32:56
kidding. It's You're so ready. It's
00:32:58
crazy. It's so funny. It's funny to
00:33:00
watch someone do it. No, I'm not. I'm
00:33:03
not kidding. I'm still not done, man.
00:33:05
No, he's Yeah. I need another 20 and I'm
00:33:07
good. He's ready to rock. Another 20,
00:33:09
but it's going to be And we were there
00:33:10
with Kevin Nean last night. Nean, one of
00:33:12
the greatest of all time. Yeah. So he's
00:33:14
a liar. Passively. He's a liar. What' he
00:33:16
do? He goes, "Hey, Kevin, did you go
00:33:18
up?" Well, he goes, "Yeah, I did." But
00:33:20
he didn't. Yeah. Not yet. You can't get
00:33:22
anything truthful from it. I know. Yeah.
00:33:24
Yeah. Would you bring a date to the ice
00:33:26
house? Cuz you bring dates to the store.
00:33:29
I think it's You know what? Home
00:33:30
territory is different though. This new
00:33:32
This new ice house. Yeah. I hate it at
00:33:34
first. Why? I think they treat me
00:33:37
poorly. Really? Yeah. And then I
00:33:40
complained about it on I think this
00:33:42
podcast. Mhm. Yeah. And then Johnny Buzz
00:33:44
called me and said, "Dude," he goes,
00:33:47
"Give us another chance." You did? And
00:33:49
they switched it up and they made They
00:33:50
treat all of us better now. 100%. Yeah.
00:33:52
Yeah. And now it's nice to go. You feel
00:33:54
better when you go down there. I like
00:33:56
the rooms. I love them. Yeah. I will say
00:33:59
I miss the old ice house. For people
00:34:01
that don't know, it was all Mexican.
00:34:03
Yeah. Give it to me.
00:34:06
Yeah. I love Mexicans.
00:34:08
I love Mexicans. And it was more
00:34:11
Mexican. It's still some, but I liked
00:34:14
when it was all Mexican. Yeah, I love
00:34:16
Mexicans. Yeah, they're just great
00:34:18
people. They're just I don't know. It's
00:34:21
different now. Am I wrong? Please, come
00:34:24
on. Yeah, Mexicans. No, no, they're rude
00:34:26
now. Oh, you don't like Mexicans? I love
00:34:29
them. Not that. No, no, seriously. You
00:34:31
don't like them? I love them. Why? Why?
00:34:32
Yeah. Just a couple of Mexicans today,
00:34:34
they had very yellow teeth, but that's
00:34:36
just an observation.
00:34:40
Really? Because next to the Renaissance
00:34:42
Fair is a park and it's Easter, right?
00:34:45
So, you know, you got a guy, you know
00:34:46
what I mean? You wearing like a he's got
00:34:48
a mini moped and he's got like a
00:34:50
Spider-Man hat on. Oh, yeah. Hey, PTO,
00:34:52
get out of the way. You know what I
00:34:53
mean? That kind of thing. You know what
00:34:55
I mean? It's Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And
00:34:56
there's all those You want go you go
00:34:58
from the Renaissance fair to like, you
00:35:00
know, people, you know, with real
00:35:01
knives, you know what I mean? You know
00:35:03
what I mean? And like, you know what I
00:35:06
mean? It it was like a completely
00:35:07
different if there was a war they would
00:35:08
win. Oh, sure. between the Renaissance
00:35:10
Fair. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They would
00:35:11
totally win. But, you know, Yeah. It's
00:35:13
good. I love it. Where was the
00:35:14
Renaissance Fair? In Pasadena,
00:35:18
but by the bowl or something? No, it's
00:35:19
like far. I It was a little farther than
00:35:21
Pasadena, actually. But it was talking.
00:35:24
Where is that?
00:35:26
No. Carlos, don't. See, it's that that
00:35:28
whole green thing.
00:35:30
See that whole green thing right there?
00:35:32
Can you zoom in, buddy? That's so far
00:35:34
past where the lake is. Yeah. Yeah.
00:35:36
That's exact because the lake is Padina,
00:35:38
dude. Zoom out. That's [ __ ] What is
00:35:40
that called? It's by a zoom. Irwindale.
00:35:42
That's so far away. It's pretty far.
00:35:44
Yeah. Pasadena. Yeah, Pasadena is 20
00:35:47
miles west.
00:35:48
So, were you wellreceived? What do you
00:35:52
mean, dude? Were people excited to see
00:35:54
Bobby Lee at the Renaissance Fair? Um,
00:35:57
you know, dude, it's funny. When please.
00:36:00
When I was with my group, no one really
00:36:02
said anything, but but I did voyages on
00:36:04
my own and that's when it started
00:36:06
happening. So, do you broke you broke
00:36:08
off from the group? I had to break up
00:36:09
from the group to do my little shopping.
00:36:11
Do you have to talk to people about it?
00:36:12
Do they have to say, "Let's before we
00:36:14
dismantle, we must organize it." It
00:36:17
feels like they're plotting for war
00:36:18
every time they're there. No. Yeah. Oh,
00:36:20
no. They go, "We'll go where the You
00:36:21
know what I mean? The mini cows are meet
00:36:23
us back there." Mini cows. There's a
00:36:25
petting zoo. Calves. Little cows. Yeah.
00:36:27
Really? Did you pet? I sure did. You
00:36:30
did? Are there games? Yeah. There's axe
00:36:33
throwing, spear throwing, um, bow and
00:36:37
arrow, right, with, you know what I
00:36:38
mean? I didn't do any of those
00:36:39
activities.
00:36:41
You didn't want to try one of them? No,
00:36:42
no, no, no. When I saw my group do the
00:36:44
spears and they were just so bad. Your
00:36:46
group and I was ripping on them. I go,
00:36:48
"Oh my god, what do you have? Carpal
00:36:49
tunnel." I was just like making fun of
00:36:50
them. If you could do one, what would
00:36:52
you do? Bow and arrow, I think, cuz
00:36:54
Koreans are good at that. Are they the
00:36:57
guy? The guy from the Olympics and
00:36:58
women. Really? Yeah. We win every time
00:37:01
in the Olympics. Let me see you pose.
00:37:05
That's a bone and arrow if I've ever
00:37:06
seen. No, I'm not done. No, it looks
00:37:08
good. Yeah. Yeah.
00:37:11
Oh, po. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Right
00:37:15
there it is. That's That's the South
00:37:16
Korean moment. She won the the gold in
00:37:18
the Olympics. Right. Amazing. These
00:37:20
What's her name? Third gold medal. Anan
00:37:22
Juan. Anan Juan. That's her third gold
00:37:24
medal. Anan. Damn, dude. That's got to
00:37:27
be so gangster. I mean, have you ever
00:37:28
seen the splash brothers? Steph Curry.
00:37:31
No, no, no. They're Filipino guys diving
00:37:34
and they're trying to qualify for
00:37:35
something. Oh, and they Yeah, I can't.
00:37:37
They can't. I've seen him. I mean, play
00:37:39
it. This guy's my guy. This the guy the
00:37:41
fourth one. Yeah. Well, it's all of them
00:37:43
really.
00:37:49
Dan
00:37:50
Emosen. Okay. Good
00:37:53
takeoff. Not going to make it.
00:37:57
Oh my god. By the way, the second guy's
00:37:59
worse when they pause it.
00:38:03
Jesus. Jesus Christ. Look at his Look at
00:38:05
his form. Look at his form. Right on his
00:38:08
back. That's pretty good. No high five.
00:38:11
Why would you high five? No high five.
00:38:14
All right, dude. I If he high five, I
00:38:17
would move my head. How about a John
00:38:18
David?
00:38:21
Yeah. I didn't see.
00:38:24
Let's see if this guy John Don David Po.
00:38:26
Try not to laugh, guys. Just thinking
00:38:27
about his his nurse gig right after
00:38:30
this.
00:38:31
Oh no. Yes, sir. Jesus Christ. He does
00:38:36
this but he lands on his feet. It's
00:38:38
incredible. I mean, he's like tucking in
00:38:41
pain. Look at his face. Oh my god.
00:38:45
How are they so bad? How they How are
00:38:47
they You're surrounded by water.
00:38:50
The Philippines are surrounded by Well,
00:38:52
you have cliffs. How are they that bad?
00:38:54
I don't know. Uh yeah, they're bad. Look
00:38:57
at his face, dude. Look at that. He took
00:39:00
a [ __ ] mid air, dude. Look at him. Oh my
00:39:02
god. Look at him. His whole life
00:39:05
flushing for
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00:40:15
A lot of Filipinos don't know how to
00:40:17
swim. Why? Why? Cuz they don't go to No,
00:40:21
but seriously, why? It's an island. It's
00:40:22
an island. Well, some islands. It's a
00:40:25
chain of It's a chain of islands. Some
00:40:27
Filipino. It's not Nebraska. Some
00:40:29
Filipinos don't want to get dark. They
00:40:32
don't bother going to the in the sun. In
00:40:34
the sun. See? Yeah. Okay. But did you
00:40:37
ever use sunscreen as a kid? That was
00:40:39
not a thing. No, that's our thing.
00:40:42
That's my thing. But they won gold in in
00:40:45
weightlifting. Oh, weightlifting. Yeah.
00:40:48
Yeah. Did they? Yeah. Female
00:40:50
weightlifting. And then I think Doarte
00:40:53
bought her like a mansion or something.
00:40:55
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, here you are,
00:40:56
Jules. Mhm. Young, single, successful,
00:40:59
fresh out of college. What's the next
00:41:02
move for you?
00:41:04
Um, citizenship. Yeah, that's L. It's
00:41:07
him on the cart. That's incredible. We
00:41:10
We should buy that just for Yeah. Can we
00:41:13
scratch all our money together to do
00:41:14
that? Look at how sick that looks. You
00:41:17
got the gold card.
00:41:19
Do you really want to be a citizen here?
00:41:21
Don't you like
00:41:23
leaving? You want to live here forever?
00:41:25
I like staying here, but I don't I don't
00:41:27
get why it's so hard to stay here. What
00:41:29
do you mean? It's the best country in
00:41:30
the world. We get it, man. You're from
00:41:32
Texas.
00:41:37
We get it, dude. What is it? Cuz in the
00:41:39
Philippines, there's so many white
00:41:42
people, white old people that just stays
00:41:46
there for a long time. But then here, I
00:41:48
can't stay for a long time. Right.
00:41:50
Right. It's unfair. It's unfair. So the
00:41:52
whites get to come and do whatever they
00:41:53
want and you can't come here and do
00:41:55
whatever. Right. Yeah. Well, what's the
00:41:58
Philippines main export?
00:42:00
Coconut,
00:42:01
[Laughter]
00:42:05
right? Some other the Philippines may
00:42:07
exports electronic products part uh
00:42:09
particularly integrated circuits.
00:42:12
Semiconductors. Okay. Okay. And coconut
00:42:14
oil. Coconut oil. Copper, nickel, gold.
00:42:17
Yeah. Office machine parts. That's
00:42:19
great. Yeah. Printers. You want to print
00:42:21
something? Oh, yeah. So, I'll probably
00:42:25
outside companies set up factories
00:42:27
there, right? For sure. Yeah. Yeah. For
00:42:29
sure. So, what's going to what's going
00:42:31
to happen to you now that you're single?
00:42:32
Are you going to move back? Cuz you
00:42:34
can't stay here. We don't want to hear.
00:42:35
No, I want to stay. No. No. Not with
00:42:38
Trump. You can't. Guys, tell her we You
00:42:40
can't stay. You need to join Only Fans
00:42:42
to survive. No. Shut the [ __ ] up, man.
00:42:44
Carlos, you're a pig. You're a pig.
00:42:46
She's our daughter. Is there a way to
00:42:49
like
00:42:50
prove that like I'm okay. I'm an okay
00:42:54
Filipino.
00:42:55
Yeah. I mean, there is ways to go.
00:42:57
There's a test, isn't there? Yeah,
00:42:58
there's an okay Filipino test and we
00:43:00
have it memorizer and I have it
00:43:02
memorized. All right, go ahead. Okay.
00:43:04
How fast can you climb a tree?
00:43:06
Like really fast. Like All right. Like a
00:43:10
minute. A 20 A 20ft tree, right? A palm
00:43:13
tree. How fast can you climb that? Go.
00:43:15
Like 2 minutes. Oh, no. There's poop.
00:43:18
There's poop right there. What do you do
00:43:19
with it? You eat it. That's right. All
00:43:21
right. That's right. That's right. All
00:43:22
right. That's good for two. Yeah. Yeah.
00:43:24
A dwarf with two knives are attacking
00:43:26
you. But from the sky, a lady with two
00:43:28
knives is attacking you. What do you do?
00:43:30
What do you do? You stab the dwarf. Yes.
00:43:33
That's the right crack. Yes. And then
00:43:36
Yes. You just say hi to the Yes. That's
00:43:39
how you do it, dude. Because she fell
00:43:42
off a building. That's right. She was
00:43:43
cooking something on the 15th floor and
00:43:45
she fell off. Okay. Here comes someone
00:43:47
in the village. Hi, Brody. I'm your I'm
00:43:50
your great great great great aunt and
00:43:52
you know me. Do you remember me? I need
00:43:54
money. What do you do? Shut the [ __ ] up.
00:43:58
All right. All
00:43:59
right. Right. It's 3:00 in the morning.
00:44:01
You hear a noise. You go outside, right?
00:44:03
And you see a half Filipino man, half
00:44:06
wolf, right? And half chicken.
00:44:10
All right. So, three halves. Yeah. Three
00:44:11
halves. Everybody has three. Everybody
00:44:13
has three halves, right? What do you do?
00:44:16
You kill it and you roast it and you eat
00:44:18
it. Yeah. What else do you do?
00:44:21
And you you you [ __ ] it. You [ __ ] it.
00:44:26
You [ __ ] it. You [ __ ] the human part.
00:44:29
That's very good. You eat the [ __ ]
00:44:32
chicken and the [ __ ] wolf part.
00:44:33
Pretty easy. Very easy. If you have a
00:44:36
baby, right? It is a wolf baby.
00:44:40
That's a wolf baby. Yeah. Yeah. With
00:44:41
hair on the face. You know, like Barnum
00:44:43
and Bailey, you know, one of those
00:44:45
circus. What? It's a circus. What a
00:44:47
circus. What do you do?
00:44:52
You eat it because it's an animal. No.
00:44:54
No. That's your kid. No, that's wrong.
00:44:57
No praying mantises do that. No.
00:44:59
Propecia.
00:45:01
What is that? You give it a hair
00:45:03
medication. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, no. It makes
00:45:05
that helps hair grow, right? [ __ ] I got
00:45:08
it wrong. I think Yeah. So, do you want
00:45:10
to So, I'm being genuine. Do you want to
00:45:12
get back on into the dating scene or No,
00:45:15
not right now. You're Yeah. The wounds
00:45:17
are too fresh. Yeah. But when you do get
00:45:20
back out, you want to only date women,
00:45:21
huh? Not only, but we're What kind of
00:45:25
woman do you want, though? Do you want
00:45:26
like a girly girl or like a a girly
00:45:29
girl? Girly girl, right? Like who's your
00:45:32
who's your crush? My crush like what
00:45:35
female famous person is your crush? Girl
00:45:38
crush. Is it like a girly girl? So it's
00:45:40
got to be like is it like a Marggo
00:45:42
Robbie? No. Like the girl from The Last
00:45:45
of Us that plays Dena. Who's that? Live
00:45:49
that out. He's so pretty. Isabella Mer.
00:45:52
Shut up. Fancy with the [ __ ] with
00:45:54
the [ __ ] accent. Isabella Mar. Like
00:45:56
she's so pretty. She is. But is that
00:45:59
your style? That's your type. That's
00:46:00
what you're looking for? I think so. Not
00:46:03
white. Not white. All right, fans. We
00:46:05
get it. Yeah. You have a particular um
00:46:08
fear of the white. Yeah. What is your
00:46:10
fear of the white? You have the fear of
00:46:13
the white. What is it? Well, I tried
00:46:15
white dick and I told you guys that that
00:46:17
was too translucent for me. Yeah. Like
00:46:22
I understand.
00:46:24
You want to see everything in there,
00:46:26
right? Right. You don't see all the
00:46:27
veins, all the inner workings. You want
00:46:29
to see how the sausages just want to see
00:46:31
the sausage. You just want to cover, you
00:46:33
know? So, so now with women, your
00:46:36
favorite kind of woman is like that. And
00:46:39
small. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All the I know.
00:46:42
Let me ask you something. Are you still
00:46:43
buzzed? Oh, yeah. I'm buzzing. Yeah.
00:46:45
Yeah. Yeah. Can you tell? Yeah. Happy
00:46:49
birthday to you.
00:46:52
Happy birthday to
00:46:56
you. Happy
00:46:58
birthday, dear
00:47:02
Carlos. Happy
00:47:04
birthday to you.
00:47:09
Yay.
00:47:10
Thanks y'all. How old are you, Carlo?
00:47:13
38. Damn. Yeah.
00:47:17
What's in there? Is that a sweet green
00:47:19
salad? Yeah, the basic salad. Damn,
00:47:22
dude. So [ __ ] sad. That's your cake.
00:47:26
Oh, I mean cake on my actual birthday
00:47:29
was sadder. I played the Indiana Jones
00:47:31
game and just hung out with my dog. Who
00:47:33
texted you on your birthday? You and
00:47:35
Bob? He did? Mhm. Yes, I did. Did he? He
00:47:39
really did. I really did. Did anybody
00:47:41
else? Mone called me this morning. Did
00:47:44
Fance Fancy didn't Interesting, dude.
00:47:47
Fancy texted me and said, "Is Carlos's
00:47:49
birthday today?" I said it was
00:47:50
yesterday.
00:47:52
Go ahead. Go ahead, [ __ ] I knew it
00:47:55
was around 4:20. What do you mean you
00:47:56
knew it was around? His favorite
00:47:58
holiday.
00:48:00
So, you didn't know his birthday and
00:48:02
then you just didn't wish him happy
00:48:03
birthday? Yeah. Wow. Did you have
00:48:07
anything to say for yourself? Yeah. This
00:48:09
is a crew. This is a crew. Disgraced.
00:48:12
Jet ski hit me up. Did she? She didn't.
00:48:16
Nice try. Yeah. Nice try. All about
00:48:18
herself. belated happy birthday. Oh,
00:48:21
[ __ ] off. That doesn't count. Doesn't
00:48:22
count. Who? So, we're playing London.
00:48:24
Who's going Who who didn't text you for
00:48:26
your birthday that hurt you the most for
00:48:28
real? Like, who didn't acknowledge your
00:48:30
birthday that actually bothered you? Oh,
00:48:32
cuz I find for real. Yeah. Because as we
00:48:34
get older, right, Bob? Get Oh, yeah. Oh,
00:48:37
yeah. As we get older, what are you on
00:48:38
Facebook? What are you No, because all
00:48:41
the restaurants are closed. I'm hungry,
00:48:42
so I'm ordering it to to get delivered
00:48:43
to my house. You're waiting till now? We
00:48:45
had all night to order food. Literally
00:48:48
all night. It's 9:00. It's 9:30. Yeah,
00:48:51
but after this podcast, I'm going to go
00:48:52
straight home. It'll be ready for me.
00:48:54
Okay. Okay.
00:48:56
What's your problem, dude? Continue with
00:48:58
your [ __ ] You're my problem, bud. No.
00:49:00
No, bud. And that's that's a strong word
00:49:03
right now, bud. We're not at bud level.
00:49:05
I mean, you're acting a little silly
00:49:07
right now, dude.
00:49:09
[Laughter]
00:49:11
Carlos. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Who didn't
00:49:13
text you that bothered you the most? M
00:49:16
probably exes. Like my ex-wife didn't
00:49:19
hit me up. Why? Wait, wait. Why would
00:49:22
Why would your ex-wife hit you up? Yeah,
00:49:24
just to acknowledge it. And then the
00:49:26
girl I dated after who had a boyfriend,
00:49:27
she didn't hit me up either cuz she's
00:49:29
engaged now. Well, yeah, bud. And then
00:49:32
the other girl also didn't. Yeah, dude.
00:49:34
Outside of exes, because that women,
00:49:36
that's tough. Any girl texted you? Yeah,
00:49:39
a couple girls hit me up. Hie.
00:49:43
Hy. Yeah, she's hot. Who's Hanny? Who's
00:49:44
Annie? Annie from Miami. What guy? What
00:49:47
buddy that what guy friend that you're
00:49:49
good close with didn't hit you on your
00:49:50
birthday? It bothers you. I think the
00:49:53
real answer is Andress, but I can't
00:49:56
really get mad at Andress. It's this
00:49:58
weird thing. Did Benji text you? I
00:49:59
brought you pizza. Yeah, he brought me
00:50:01
pizza. Let me ask you something. Did
00:50:02
Benji text you? Benji did not. Was it
00:50:04
shocking when I texted you? Yeah,
00:50:05
because we had just gotten in a big
00:50:07
fight last week. You guys fought? Oh,
00:50:09
man. We've been fighting for weeks. It's
00:50:11
been going on. It's been going on.
00:50:13
tested me. What? You never texted me for
00:50:16
what? For anything.
00:50:18
Okay. Exactly. I do this all the time.
00:50:22
Whenever you talk whenever I call Fancy.
00:50:25
Yeah. When he picks up, I go, "This is a
00:50:27
bad idea." I know. Me, too. Hey, Andrew.
00:50:30
I'm like, "Never mind. Goodbye." Also,
00:50:31
there's things going on in the
00:50:33
background. Like, where are you in a
00:50:34
[ __ ] airplane? The guy The guy works
00:50:36
sound like he lives in a factory. Like,
00:50:39
what the [ __ ] are you doing over there,
00:50:40
dude? Yeah, he lives in a factory where
00:50:43
a
00:50:45
baby. What are you doing over there,
00:50:48
dude? And the baby's like,
00:50:52
I got to tell you, dude, I don't buy
00:50:53
this [ __ ] You and the baby and the
00:50:56
wife. That's not real. That's not real,
00:50:59
dude. It's impossible that she likes
00:51:01
you. Impossible. Who? The baby or the
00:51:03
wife? Both. I think I think it's an
00:51:06
impossibility. So, honestly, Carlos, a
00:51:08
few people didn't text you and you're
00:51:10
not and it's okay. You don't have to
00:51:11
call them out, but there's a few people
00:51:12
that didn't text you that it bothers
00:51:13
you. Yeah. Also, that same person that
00:51:16
didn't text me had is going to have a
00:51:18
baby and they didn't tell me. And I was
00:51:20
seriously. Yeah. Wow. And I was like,
00:51:22
"Oh, they don't want to tell me." Holy
00:51:24
[ __ ] Does that [ __ ] you up? It makes me
00:51:27
feel like I'm being separated from my
00:51:29
friends and I'm drifting in space to
00:51:30
Well, let me tell you something. And I'm
00:51:31
being honest. Can I be Can I be real?
00:51:35
Yeah. A lot of my friends have kids.
00:51:37
There's a thing that happens when you
00:51:39
don't have kids where you're not
00:51:41
invited. And honestly, I get it. I get
00:51:44
it. You don't want to be invited, dude.
00:51:46
Shut the [ __ ] up. Honestly, honestly,
00:51:49
shut the [ __ ] up. But did did Sebastian
00:51:51
ever invite you to his little kid
00:51:53
things? No, but that would never be.
00:51:55
We're not close. I used to go there.
00:51:56
We're not close like that. Okay. But I'm
00:51:58
saying like friends of mine outside of
00:51:59
the business, they have kids and they
00:52:01
feel weird not inviting us. And I
00:52:03
understand. But there's also a moment of
00:52:06
like like today, like Easter today.
00:52:08
Easter Sunday today.
00:52:11
I'll come over. I'll come over and do
00:52:12
the thing. I'll do what? Hunt. I want to
00:52:15
hunt for Hunt for kids.
00:52:17
What are you doing, dude? For eggs? What
00:52:19
is this? Hunger Games? Yeah. I'll go
00:52:22
hunt for kids. I'll go have an egg hunt.
00:52:24
Yeah, I'm a fun guy. Not really. Really?
00:52:29
Yeah. I mean, there's a thing about Do
00:52:31
it. I know, but in your face you crink
00:52:33
your eyes crinkle, right? You do smile,
00:52:37
but the cheeks is rage. Have you noticed
00:52:40
that? Yeah. You go like this, right? No,
00:52:42
but I but I'm a good uncle. I'm a great
00:52:44
uncle, but it's like I'll come over and
00:52:46
do the egg thing. I think people feel
00:52:47
bad about inviting us because they're
00:52:48
like, "You don't have kids. We don't
00:52:49
invite you." Oh, yeah. And it feels
00:52:51
weird. You You don't get invited. Well,
00:52:52
you don't get invited. Or you know what
00:52:53
I hate too is when comics go, "You got
00:52:56
married?" And they go, "Yeah, like last
00:52:58
year." How many people K what? Like 500.
00:53:02
And I go I've helped you. You know what
00:53:06
I mean? Yeah. You're shocked. I'm
00:53:08
shocked. Like I Dude, I helped your
00:53:10
career. I'm because Yeah. It's because
00:53:12
of me. I just I wouldn't go. But I want
00:53:14
the invitation. You know what I mean?
00:53:17
Cly invites you. Whatever it says. Why
00:53:20
do you want the invitation? You're never
00:53:22
going to go. I've gone to a couple.
00:53:24
Whose wedding did you go to? Dr.
00:53:26
Sebastian Moscow and Dr. Ken Jang. I
00:53:28
have a question. Yeah. Here we go. Jazz
00:53:31
it up. Do you guys ever get ingrown
00:53:33
hairs in your balls?
00:53:36
Can I tell you something? It's crazy.
00:53:38
This is nuts. I lotion my nuts every day
00:53:41
now because I have eczema, you know,
00:53:44
like
00:53:46
in your ball like balls. Wait, check
00:53:48
this out. You really have eczema, dude.
00:53:49
Check this out. I have eczema all over
00:53:52
my body. Stinky [ __ ] dirty [ __ ]
00:53:54
No, it's not stinky. It's just It's just
00:53:55
dry skin. It's not good, dude. Okay. Oh
00:53:57
my god. Okay, dude. It's dry skin. It's
00:54:00
disgusting, dude. It's what [ __ ]
00:54:02
Jeremiah Watkins gets. I had all over
00:54:05
his body. I had eczema. This is wild. I
00:54:07
had eczema all over my body one time.
00:54:09
Dry skin. I got eczema on my balls. And
00:54:13
the doctor
00:54:16
said And the doctor was like, "Just
00:54:18
[ __ ] lotion up your balls." Yeah, but
00:54:20
I do lotion my balls. I lotion my balls
00:54:22
every day. Yeah. Now
00:54:25
I over lotion my balls. Yeah, I have
00:54:27
pores on my balls that you know me. No,
00:54:30
I'm serious. I over lotion my balls now.
00:54:31
Okay. Do you guys put lotion on your
00:54:33
nuts? Never. Dude, your butthole is so
00:54:36
ugly. Why? It's just one of the ugliest
00:54:38
buttholes I've ever seen. Look who's
00:54:40
talking. Yeah, two. Part two is my
00:54:42
favorite one. Look who's talking part
00:54:43
two. Yeah. Wait, why do you ask that?
00:54:45
Because I I just got my first ingrown
00:54:50
and it's like a big cyst. Oh, it's so
00:54:53
painful on your konchito. Oh, yeah.
00:54:56
Don't call that that. What is that?
00:54:59
Oh,
00:55:00
you got an ingrown hair. Yeah. It's so
00:55:02
painful. Gross. Cuz I didn't exfoliate
00:55:05
right once like before your shave. Yeah.
00:55:09
Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to hear about
00:55:10
it. It's disgusting, dude. That's
00:55:12
disgusting.
00:55:13
You know what? And I was looking for
00:55:15
advice for you guys if how to Okay,
00:55:18
here's the deal. I'll tell you. Bobby
00:55:19
could tell you. Bobby and I both know to
00:55:22
deal with ingrown hairs, you got to use
00:55:25
uh witch hazel. Witch hazel. Look this
00:55:29
up. I'm not kidding. Yeah. Yeah. Look up
00:55:31
witch hazel. Look for people at home.
00:55:33
Witch hazel is a great ingredient you
00:55:35
can put on everything. It reduces
00:55:38
inflammation. Right, Los? Look it up.
00:55:40
There it is. Yep. Tux cooling pads with
00:55:43
witch hazel. This looks nice. Yeah. It's
00:55:46
got uh protects from irritation,
00:55:48
hemorrhoids, and other problems. Talks,
00:55:53
man. Yeah. Anyway, thank you for being a
00:55:56
bad friend. I mean, what the [ __ ]
00:56:00
[Music]
00:56:09
Yeah.
00:56:12
Woo.
00:56:15
Yeah. Woo.
00:56:17
[Music]
