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hey hey y'all you know what guys new york new york here we come wait that's
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such a good new york accent new york new york we're doing the grand mercy theater stand up we're gonna do some stand up
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and we're gonna do a little bit of like a duo potty kind of a thing a little fun live thing for you guys september 8th september 8th buy your tickets right now
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because they're going to sell out quickly and if it sells out we might add another shop i don't know we don't know we we might not we see how the first
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show goes but probably a second show maybe click on the link in the description below the tickets go on sale
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at noon pacific time 3 p.m east coast today they go on sale so i know this
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episode's already out but at noon on the west coast at 3 p.m on the east coast buy those tickets now also
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bob i'm shooting my special september 24th 24th 24th in denver and i'm warming up
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so come see me salt lake city brea minneapolis madison and then denver september 24th i'm shooting my special
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finally go to andrewsantina.com for tickets santino.com for those tickets you two are bad friends who are these
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two idiots white dude i'm an asian dude you two are disgusting
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oh you two or something we're bad friends welcome back to bad friends boy oh boy do we have a good one for you
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today because fancy is gone he's in espana i didn't even notice we deported him he's gone
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didn't notice well because he's worthless on this show well we have mr worthless who behind everyone else he
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who doctor captain worthless captain worthless george kimmel captain
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worthless i'm here to almost do nothing yeah in fact i walked in there i go what are you doing here that's what i said i
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heard it from the parking lot what are you doing here and you know what he said what just hanging out hanging out he swallows
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air this guy i got a gift for ol rudy yeah look at how sick this thing is from our friends
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that bespoke gave us this uh this is this will really kill somebody so please be careful okay
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i don't have my other knives well we took your knives away because doc shakes the chairs and we're afraid it's gonna fall on his head and that's specifically
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to kill other filipinos no white people okay it says it on the little thing does it yeah it says no whites it
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specifically what about other asians no only filipinos yes yeah for the time being that could
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change this is cool un unwrap it and see how sharp it is do something cool with it don't get it
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too close to that chair it'll pop isn't that sick huh yeah yeah say thanks bespoke we also have uh next to rudy our
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our very good friend who now we can no longer call by her other moniker her name is now
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no jj just jetski johnson well no no we should come up with a nickname because um she complained about it we know
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what's going on with the juice juice i i like the name and then it dawned on me how sexual it could be taken but it's
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not if you don't unless you make it sexual it's nice it's an orange sexual yeah it depends yeah yeah yeah yeah i
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mean okay what else is juicy uh i like juicy yeah reminds me of very stylish
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harry styles is juicy which you think is very sexy that's right she doesn't want the connection
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between sexy and juicy remember those pants juicy yeah juicy on the butt juicy pants
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yeah did you sweatpants yeah but that wasn't sexual although it was creepy like little kids would wear those and i was like who what
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parent is letting their nine-year-old wear juicy on their ass no you shouldn't let your kids wear juicy
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sweatpants yeah in fact only black women and cute and brazilian women should wear that over the age of 18. white girls
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have butts now don't overdo this again what you did last night what did i do hey ladies if you're single this guy's
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available i'm not available i'm not ready i never said that yeah you did no i didn't i'm not available i'm not ready
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yes i did i know you did to the whole and also by the way no one came up to me afterwards either
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not one person no one came home ask anybody i hung out until two just to see not one person
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no one if they go i'm available to never you know why because they thought i was joking around see they thought i was kidding but i wasn't kidding girls if
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you're listening out there if you comment on the live show please wait until after the show he will be there he
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will come talk to you he is interested he is available he's very single i'm not interested i saw bobby give a tour
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to two really attractive ladies and i asked him about it and he just jumped down my throat he's like i'm just giving
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a tour okay can i say something let me say something okay i give tours all the time to not just
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ladies to men as well okay because people love the comedy store they go this historic i go i know all the nukes
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and crannies it sounds so creepy yeah yeah what nooks do you take them to
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what i well i know the history of each room well okay i take them to a room and i go this is why this room is here you take him to the old stairwell by mitzi's
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office yeah when the door was broken i used to get people in there like guess when i'd have friends come from out of town i would sneak them up to mitzi's
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office and break into mitzi's office and it's you know it's still the same i mean i don't know what it is now but 10 years
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ago it had been untouched i ate a girl's vagina on those hairs is that part of the tour
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that's one of the craziest years ago years ago when i was like 30.
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you went down on a girl in the stairwell black steer up to mitzi's office between
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the belly room black stairs to that stair they're all black yeah exactly yeah yeah and i ate
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in one's vagina you made her sit down lay down on the stairs in the middle of the stairs i spread them open like this and i just
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were you on the top of the stairs or the body on the stairs i go top i go down [Laughter]
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so the blood because the blood flow is going to be better okay anyway she slides down her head head backwards
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yeah you're eating her and then for you and then in the green room of the belly room i've gotten maybe two [ __ ]
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maybe to completion no never completed i can't because there's always people there can you complain there's a show going on wait a
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minute you would close the door get a hummer and then not come in and be like oh let's go
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someone's coming you know what's going on all right juice well we're not gonna call you juice anymore because i guess
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you made it sexual so what do you want us to call it um jet ski but you guys another nickname
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could emerge but jet ski is what you brought that was already your name yeah this is why i never speak my mind
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maybe because you have bono glasses maybe something about bono like yeah it doesn't have to happen right now
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no it's gonna happen right now okay it doesn't it's gonna happen right now i see those socks that you're wearing that's very cool do you know what that
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is bobby yeah what's the painting called i don't oh that's from uh it's a van gogh
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painting no that's not vanco it's the s screaming man that you're you're just screaming
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the screaming the screaming the screen the screen yeah that's it okay that's the screen
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those are pretty tight the screaming my sister got me these your sister's cool yeah yeah that's very cool well let me you know what you remind me
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of i told you what'd you say what did i say last night diane keaton she reminds me of her personality like diane keaton
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and annie hall i think you said that on this show before did i didn't he say something like that remember he has that like kind of like um
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yeah it's like a quirkiness about her you kind of you kind of do have that yeah yeah i like that movie i'm sure my
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personality was inspired dude i yeah i mean you killed it last night i
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had a good set so in the middle of my set there was like a little of a bump yeah you did stop for somebody and i cuz
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i you know what i thought huh it's always this i think andrew did better than me oh shut up no i really i did
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because there was a level of laugh i'm like that wasn't that nobody cares yeah and then afterwards last night two
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things happened number one a guy came out to me bad friends fan okay and he goes i just have to admit i think
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andrew's funnier a funnier stand-up shut the [ __ ] up right to my face and then another thing
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happened okay a drunk guy goes hey i used to watch you on mad tv i just
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never thought you were funny no yeah and you walked over bobby no way to two things you tell me if i'm working i'll
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kick them out i know thank you yeah and then three no one came up to me and got when i'm single and you're singing
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so that was a pretty bad night for me but let me tell you something i'm gonna change that and i'm saying it now to the fans if you come to a show i'm gonna
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keep pushing this agenda if you're coming to the show on on i don't need anyone's help i i got it i don't know
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yeah i'm first of all i'm not going to date in a year i'm going to wait a year right you could hook up with someone
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before you would no i don't want you to hook up a year you don't touch anyone for you no no i would i need alone time
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are you gonna go who i am again are you gonna be open for all kinds of people what do you mean this i feel like this
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is a trap no yeah no i'm saying are you open for all kinds of people all generally asking me some questions maybe
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are you are you cool with dating all kinds of genders and and gender sexual orientations
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okay if they have a penis and a vagina maybe yeah they have to have both like a combination right yeah you don't want
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just a penis no i mean like like i've said like if there was a vagina and there was a penis on the side i might do
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a couple of sucks what if they had a what if they had right you would just out of like
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what if they had a penis but their butthole looked like a vagina oh that's interesting right but they
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still pull out of the butthole that's right same thing flavor's different though vagina's poop too
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unless someone has crohn's disease [Laughter] but let me let me tell you something
00:09:20
carlos thinks you're going through stages of grief accepting the unacceptable oh you think i have do you think i'm going through grief it can
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look like avoidance procrastination forgetting easily distracted mind yeah i'm all those well then you've yeah this
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has been your whole life no but more so now though that's just step one then there's angles okay okay there's nothing he's on two yeah i've
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been sitting on two for years yeah yeah frustration cynicism sarcasm irritability holy [ __ ] i've been back
00:09:43
increased alcohol or drug use is this like my that's this is like my pro should be my dating profile bargaining
00:09:49
the bargaining i don't do yeah you do what's the bargaining meaning look at the second one look at carlos is highlighting ruminating on the
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future of the past oh yeah i just did that look at the second one look at the second one overthinking and worrying yeah that's me bing third one comparing
00:10:01
self to others you just did it on the show i just thinking saying i should have or if only you don't i don't you know if you do
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that too much i do judgment towards self and others big time perfectionism oh i'm a bargainer huh you're on video games
00:10:14
yeah oh that's right yeah depression you don't have depression you don't think so i don't think so no i get bummed yeah
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you do i have clinical depression i don't think you're i don't think you have depression but i do think you have bargaining you've got to have bargaining
00:10:27
for story yeah when are we going to get to acceptance though carlos we'll get down there soon a year mindful behaviors
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[ __ ] [ __ ] i don't know what that means engaging with reality as it is no way
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that's insane that's insanity this is how it is right now you you'll never say that no i'm in a different language
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being present in the moment you're not even here right now yeah you're already back at home i'm in i'm
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when i was four years old right now yeah you're yeah in minnesota dude playing in that [ __ ] backyard with that little tunka truck i used to have
00:10:55
all right i'm stuck in my mind on this i do think we're to get you someone before a year no i just well how do you
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feel about jules is it weird i don't really care but i feel like you're going to find someone yeah a
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year's a long time yeah a year's a long time why do you have a sweaty mustache right now oh
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do you think i do that to you use that axe to what to shave your little mustache yeah yeah oh my god yeah there it is
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there it is good you feel better it doesn't help it doesn't help we got to get a better ax yeah i got to axe to grind i'm still
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stuck on this juicy thing i'm kind of bummed well maybe i should maybe i'm wrong say it sexually no i'm not but now
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you're making it seem like it now when i guys hitting on you a direct message to you be honest no but oh yes yes like
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what are they doing not dick pics well i get so many in the other box and i i
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can't engage with everybody someone's famous other in the other box how many requests
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you have right now i don't know whoa oh dude maybe we should look at them now on the show
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i look at them but i feel like i'm afraid to engage in them because then where do i stop thirty thousand
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followers wow what did you have before you started the show thirteen wow wow we're good
00:12:21
let's keep it going go to jet ski johnson go ahead and follow jetski johnson and and and inundate her with messages yeah dude yeah yeah so what do
00:12:28
you guys do do you respond to everybody in your [ __ ] mind i know you guys have way more than dudes never
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i've never opened up a dude like only respond to dudes you do are you getting some titties yeah you're getting some
00:12:40
titties yeah yeah and so do you respond no no no no no no i'll just like look at it and go
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yeah do you screenshot it no don't lie i don't okay why what you can
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i thought you could you could squeeze out yeah yeah i don't know yeah yeah i bet you can't yeah i don't want you to screenshot your whole
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phone is it illegal to have a screenshot photo on instagram oh copyright infringement do women have
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copyrights on their tits that would be kind that's kind of the future isn't it but i'm getting a lot of
00:13:12
like can i [ __ ] kalyla which is so [ __ ] oh my god they ask you that yeah
00:13:17
terrible yeah wait a minute though can i [ __ ] kalala but they say like can you join are you involved no they just like i'm
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her pimp it's so rude that's kind of cool though why that's kind of cool being her pimp yeah
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yeah i don't respond to those it's guys saying can i [ __ ] lyla yeah any girls
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no oh no have you had a girl ask for a threesome with you guys oh
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i didn't even though that's a possibility i mean it's a thing oh [ __ ]
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i like i like some people like that yeah there's a whole website for that yeah but i don't want to like
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that'll be weird like being in a room and that a girl is eating her collage vagina better than i did
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right and that wasn't that weird because you're a perfectionist
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yeah i just have a fat tongue i can't do it that fast let me see how fast you can move your tongue
00:14:16
yes like a slob like a turkey yeah looks like you're eating pudding dude if i went to new guinea and i and i ate sloth
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[ __ ] they would be like oh yeah maybe oh yeah yeah but that's the only
00:14:28
thing the sloth would be [Laughter]
00:14:36
you know sloth bears i read sloth bears kill more people than any other kind of bear on earth no have you seen what a
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sloth bear looks like i don't know look at how [ __ ] creepy and weird these things look these things kill the most people whoa
00:14:47
whoa they just look like shaggy bears just like [ __ ] up look at the faces dude they look chromosomally off yeah
00:14:53
they look like they're you know handicapped bears yeah but they they murder the most people statistically and
00:15:00
i saw this thing on twitter tony hinchcliffe was a bear that's like honestly that would be the right
00:15:05
that right be honest that that's tony hinchcliffe yeah yeah if tony hitchcliff was a bear
00:15:10
that would be like in that what kind of area would you be if you were a bear oh well the koala yeah that's yeah
00:15:17
exactly what would i be you would be polar polar first yeah yeah what would she be tarshier target what those big eyes
00:15:25
would they're small and big eyes you think you have big eyes yeah yeah there she is tarshier
00:15:31
oh that's you yeah that's your her for sure what about j what about jetski what is jj what's the juiciest kind
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look up what's the juiciest bear winnie the pooh there we go
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there we go that's it that's her that's juicy bear that's you now do that dancing bear what
00:15:49
is it i've seen that what is that cartoon what's that that's definitely her personality everything huh what is it oh
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i thought that was the charming bear oh is that oh that's what you're turning me into yeah
00:16:01
this is what we're trying to sell you guys sex sells on the show man big time dude if bears look like that that'd be cool
00:16:08
i mean then i would go camping more often i think in the gay community they do yeah with the abs like that and they have and they drink beer
00:16:14
and then that'd be cool they could talk hey [Music]
00:16:21
that's and see that's that's see that's what that's the that's the reality of it that's what a bear looks like oh that's a game
00:16:27
huh what'd you say that's a big gay bear no his name is juicy bear oh no let's hit him up let's get him on the show
00:16:33
he'll he won't be mad if we sexually
00:16:39
you know what we could do with the fans is like how about this we fans email us or how do they do it they
00:16:45
usually email us email us like suggestions we'll have a contest you want to have a name contest yeah
00:16:51
throw out some names for jets yeah but once the game the name is affirmed that's
00:16:56
life we're not changing it you have to get a tattooed i don't have any tattoos well this will be your first time all right
00:17:03
will you guys all get it too our names on you yeah yeah dude you should have bad friends on your body man do you guys
00:17:09
love it yep yep let me see mine's on my butt my mind's on my [ __ ] let's see it
00:17:15
i don't believe you hey don't sexualize us yeah yeah we talked about getting bad friends tats we should okay if we got him
00:17:22
together would you do it you don't think you're a part of it yet the family maybe at six
00:17:31
let's get her episodes 100 000 followers and then we'll do it and then also to your name 100 000 followers
00:17:36
yeah you would pretty tight it feels so like uh like selling out but i'm there for it
00:17:42
[Laughter] she's down dude i think i do want to get a bad friend's tattoo i do too i think
00:17:48
we should would you get one can i just get a knife instead of bad friends oh cool thanks for being a part
00:17:54
of this [ __ ] [ __ ] little ship yeah dude it's been three years of this fight i know what else bad friends is so like cringe
00:18:01
you know what's so funny okay okay just hear me out she's gonna learn i'll tell you why she said we're
00:18:06
[ __ ] crazy i know can i tell you why no just getting a title is it because we're old don't eat don't get angry are
00:18:11
we old and lame and she's young and cool stink she just got a job
00:18:17
yeah at the school right did you not oh yeah yeah working at the library or where you're working it's a bookstore at a bookstore
00:18:24
at the school and when you're working because you've never worked before right every day you work
00:18:30
slowly in your heart and your mind you're gonna go oh i had it good i had it good look at
00:18:37
that 16 bucks an hour is all you're gonna make there yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm excited for that
00:18:43
i'm sorry i'm just saying the bad friend's title if you put it on your skin is cringe what about bf
00:18:50
no what about our heads just that yeah our faces
00:18:56
um that's simple maybe that's simple
00:19:02
i'm just like sad if i'm so sad it's like making me really how about this symbol this is cool the new one from the hat that bad friend's dripping that
00:19:08
looks cool i'll put it like on my foot okay whatever you know what we should do
00:19:14
though this like like the dark knight we should have a thing that would protect
00:19:19
just the sky in the sky right so that we if people need us we
00:19:25
have to go there we have yeah we have to do comedy yeah i think in the batman world what would i
00:19:30
think who would be the guy what's his name uh gordon gordon who's boarded in our group
00:19:36
what who's going for you and i are about fancy who's gordon in our group fancy commissioner gordon yeah yeah who's the
00:19:42
one that does the sign cause he's the one that turns the sign on fancy that's probably fancy to be yeah
00:19:47
fancy is gordon right and who is george is george just oh george's commissioner
00:19:53
george's uh george is alfred sure you think yeah jordan george is definitely awesome he's alfred yeah yeah look at
00:19:58
there's george yeah george is definitely offering it right i'll get you what you need boys
00:20:04
george i want to hear you with a uh british accent can you do can you say uh i'll get you a chaney boy say uh i'll
00:20:09
get you whatever you need gentlemen i'll get you whatever you need gentlemen and gentle ladies
00:20:14
okay but just the gentleman part i don't want the ladies cause that sounded creepy um absolutely say uh i'll bring up the car immediately
00:20:21
i'll bring up the car immediately that's actually not bad i like it if we got to put him in a little suit why you want to fine tune it a little bit yeah a little
00:20:28
bit more because it still doesn't sound sell sell the british a little bit higher sell it harder
00:20:33
i'll bring up the car immediately gentlemen this is good it's okay but be more fancy with it like be more animated
00:20:39
be like kind of like maybe you might be gay we don't know gentlemen i'll bring up the car
00:20:44
immediately love that i love that i love that i like the great but it has nothing to do with sexuality
00:20:50
we're just saying you're very you have fancy effeminate yeah i shouldn't say fancy jewels would be catwoman for sure
00:20:55
no poison ivy poisonous an iv yeah because she's [ __ ] toxic as [ __ ] oh that's right toxic yeah you're toxic i'm
00:21:02
not yeah no you are yeah you are and it's getting worse and i called i called bob and i was like i don't know if we
00:21:07
want little miss toxic around anymore because she's just not fun she doesn't want to be here she hates us and he was
00:21:12
like hate us and i said yes she does
00:21:18
i think you secretly hate us and she's gripping the act
00:21:24
doordash oh my god um whenever i'm on the road or even at home the only app
00:21:30
that i use is doordash yeah and we just read you i just in our episode where i read you all the door oh because
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honestly when i was i was sick again and when i got sicky sick i usually use doordash when i just don't have enough
00:21:40
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00:21:46
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yeah has been out of town for a week and we haven't talked or talked because you're always out and
00:23:58
you're always grumpy around the house no no no he's not no and you know because i think this is proof everyone knows my
00:24:04
energy but they know they know you're energy as well right and they compare the two they're not blind to it that's right the fans
00:24:10
know yeah you know i always say hi to you and you always say a different name when you say hi to me yeah those are
00:24:17
terms of endearment yeah so like what do i say you say hi joey yeah funny okay that's fine yeah funny
00:24:24
you kind of do look like joey what's up joe yeah you don't like it no yeah and then sometimes i ask you like what's
00:24:30
going on let's hang out and you laugh you go no no i just say i'm tired
00:24:36
ugh it just hurts me it really does hurt me and you got to do more of an effort and you i'm glad
00:24:42
you're working because when you're working i'm going to be giggling because it's going to be like a
00:24:48
an awakening for you where is the store um it's csun it's the library the bookstore like
00:24:54
the campus bookstore where you go to buy like not only books but also apparel can we go we're going every [ __ ] day okay
00:24:59
now can we go going every [ __ ] day we can go we can't we we don't have to be students to go to the store right of
00:25:04
course not no we're going yeah we're buying books i'm going to buy something i don't have any books on gear too yeah
00:25:10
fine what how many days a week are you working over there maybe like three what are they giving you how much do you know
00:25:15
i don't know yet you took the job without negotiating pay you negotiate
00:25:22
it's just i don't know it's my first job how did you get the job i didn't they just interviewed me and
00:25:29
then did you see a sign that said open uh now hiring and then you went in and asked yeah start from zero what did you
00:25:36
see i just saw i was looking through the bookstore and then it says hiring and i just applied and then they called me
00:25:42
same day no like a week after who called what did they say let's hear it
00:25:48
they just said hi um are you interested in like working i said yeah and then
00:25:53
they said okay we'll give you another call for the in ten minute interview and then i waited and then they just
00:25:59
said um how many hours can you work and i said and i just said um
00:26:05
as long as i can work and then they said okay we'll give you
00:26:11
four hours every day or as long as um monday to friday and i said okay that's
00:26:18
fine and they said that if you can carry a 30 pound
00:26:23
something and stand for 10 hours and then i said yeah i can stand there
00:26:29
what are they shipping dead babies around that place no if you can carry a 30 pound box don't look inside of it but
00:26:34
you're only working four hours yeah okay and then did you ask how much does it pay
00:26:40
no i didn't why because no one told me to ask so you
00:26:46
don't you what if they're not gonna pay you no they said they'll pay me 16 16 and 75 cents
00:26:53
an hour yeah they're like we're gonna get this immigrant for cheap yeah and you're not gonna be in the i think you're you're hauling [ __ ] i think
00:26:59
you're gonna be in the back loading stuff yeah they go through this we have a bunch of bat boxes get in the back yeah you get in the back they don't
00:27:05
want you out front not with that face don't be mean she's mean to us all the
00:27:11
time i know she is i know you're right she's [ __ ] old to me you know what we're going to start making you carry [ __ ] too george get
00:27:17
something that's heavy back there and make her [ __ ] it around boulders no boxes just bouldering i just want rocks moving during the show yeah
00:27:24
you're gonna have to start [ __ ] carrying your weight why do i have to care because don't get angry dude oh god
00:27:31
give her that box of merch yeah yeah there you go start going through that and separating stuff yeah separated from
00:27:36
medium and large let me see you pick it up let's see you carry it carry it pick it up let's see can you carry it yeah
00:27:41
wait wait yeah yeah you could take the headphones off yeah yeah let's see if she can see if
00:27:46
you can do it because this is how many pounds george you think this is 15. third is about 30. yeah rice all right
00:27:53
keep it on your head around your head yeah all right for the rest of the episode no so anyway
00:28:00
put it down put it down put it down i'm we're i'm happy that you finally got a job jules we love we love that i'm
00:28:06
glad that you've got some responsibility in the world okay so you're saying they pay you less at the store i think i make less at the store
00:28:12
how do you make don't they make you guys minimum wage maybe i just work less hours
00:28:17
what no you're working you're always there yeah you're there i think i've never not seen you there now i know you
00:28:24
know you know what jetski said she goes uh oh i'm not making that much you know
00:28:30
you're not making 20 an hour yeah you should sue them we should sue them no let's do the comedy store people who say
00:28:35
it's so funny when comics who work there are like we should make more money there it's like why are you here you're not
00:28:40
right you're not here you're not there for the money no no no you're too smart is there is let me ask you this because
00:28:45
i know back in the day in my time when i was a doorman yeah we had scams going you guys got scams don't you
00:28:52
guys have scams going i got the key and i threw it right back now open it up
00:29:07
and someone came up i was working the or cover last night yeah so we go hey are you jet ski and yeah i love you i'm bad
00:29:14
friends takes out a 20 puts it in the tip hell yeah yeah yeah you should just put a bucket out that says jet ski on
00:29:19
bad friends yes you have to split the [ __ ] 20 with other people i don't know if i have to but i did
00:29:25
she's a good soul wow she's a good soul get your own pocket no we split it you do yeah yeah no they
00:29:31
have to man because because otherwise then you know what used to happen because i know i'm not snitching because they all got in
00:29:37
trouble you remember when everyone got in trouble people were pocketing money and then wars started to break out
00:29:42
because people were like you're keeping money and you're not putting it in the pool this is the same at a restaurant if you work at a restaurant and you put and you pool tips some people don't put in
00:29:50
then it causes all this fighting turmoil and then i don't think tips
00:29:56
i think i think you have to tip people some doormen are just better than others okay all right and so whoever gets
00:30:03
you can't just because i know a couple of chinless [ __ ] that you have friends over there they don't do as good
00:30:08
of a job and i don't want to name names but they have no chins man literally don't bobby hit me up he goes
00:30:15
who's your friend with no chin at the store i don't know i like that kid
00:30:20
so you think no no tipping no [ __ ] pooling tips no i got i got to gripe real fast to put
00:30:26
out i'm not going to call out the place i don't care
00:30:31
i don't [ __ ] like it when they include the tip already on the check
00:30:37
so like it was it was pre-included for 18 i'll tell you there's multiple reasons okay one it gives the server no
00:30:43
incentive to give you a better experience whatsoever they don't [ __ ] care they're going to get their money no matter what that's [ __ ]
00:30:51
two 18 percent is automatically included and it was a note that said below it we do
00:30:56
this for the health and well-being of our staff and our workers to provide a better living wage for blah blah blah blah blah blah blah yeah why is it on me
00:31:03
[ __ ] it should be on your company to pay people better then don't just automatically take my [ __ ] money
00:31:09
that's [ __ ] if you wanted to [ __ ] provide a better life for them you should pay them more and then on top of
00:31:14
it the biggest blunder is you automatically charge 18. well then i'm done i'm gonna do the
00:31:19
apple pay and walk away when i was gonna give that person 20 25 i've tipped 30
00:31:24
percent you've take nothing probably to as well huh you probably took i've literally never
00:31:30
once [ __ ] someone over on a tip because i worked in restaurants but my point is you're [ __ ] them out of two more percent
00:31:35
why would you do that i was gonna give them the extra two that's what you say huh nothing i've never [ __ ] someone
00:31:41
out of a tip that's fine i've always over tipped um you could leave more no but i don't because because i i think
00:31:46
the system is [ __ ] i like that [ __ ] that what do you think they should just raise the prices on all their food no
00:31:52
the place was already a [ __ ] ripoff that's what's even more gross all this says to me is the people that own it and run it are making way more [ __ ] money
00:31:58
i see and they're like oh we want to help the workers have a better wage you don't have to jews you don't have to agree [ __ ]
00:32:04
you don't have to agree i think including [ __ ] there are times where you can say no i don't agree oh yeah like when i
00:32:11
said i'm not sure about the name juicy we killed her we all saw how that went i don't think
00:32:17
tip should be [ __ ] cool you think tips should be included it's their loss though let me can i just
00:32:22
that's my point is i was going to give you 20. now you got eight you make an argument though right to me it's i always pick 25
00:32:29
right yeah but when i see the 18 thing right i go all right well i'm just going to
00:32:35
give you that then that's my point so i'm saying don't do that they're lost what the [ __ ] does that have anything to do with you bro i
00:32:42
don't like someone automatically charging my car they charge your car but if you're already tipping up well above
00:32:47
18 anyway i'm saying you're an idiot you guys are gonna get more money you're [ __ ] your own people right but
00:32:52
there's nothing we're saying the same thing i'm annoying what are you angry about though that's the thing it's coming from
00:32:58
anger because you should it's actually and you know what it's technically illegal that's the point oh i just [ __ ] up why is why why people are so entitled
00:33:04
no no because you could go crazy you could go hey i want the manager to take this off and they would and then i would
00:33:10
what i should have done is said take this off i don't agree with this principle and then i would have given her 25 percent instead and the reason
00:33:16
why that's there dude is because sometimes they get european that time out i talked can i finish i know what
00:33:21
your white people do they [ __ ] they [ __ ] cut off don't do a race thing don't do racing i know you say a lot of photos come here and they don't think
00:33:27
they have to tip yeah they do it's 20 22. everybody from europe knows you tip over here i just ran into [ __ ] people
00:33:33
if you have enough money to come to the united states on an airplane people from
00:33:39
you know this typing thing's crazy right and i go i know but they're like we don't even know how to deal at night
00:33:44
[ __ ] [ __ ] who are these pikeys that you no how do they afford to get to the united states you liar that's my keys
00:33:51
listen okay everybody something that you're angry when you came here from the philippines you know that americans tip
00:33:56
no thank you it's a fact it is true it is true no it's [ __ ] yeah yeah but by the way you're right i look i did tipper
00:34:04
like the eighteen wasn't yeah you had to well no no and then i left a 10 bill on top of it to supplement the the
00:34:10
percentage that was missing but i was like don't do that that's [ __ ] annoying let me give this person a gift
00:34:16
on my own i don't need you to like and the other argument would be oh well what about people that like go in and they
00:34:22
undertip or they don't tip at all first of all at a place that that is this nice doesn't happen this isn't chili's i used
00:34:28
to work at it this isn't [ __ ] outback i used to this is a high-end restaurant i used to work at the brockton villa
00:34:34
okay bring it up right it's a [ __ ] restaurant in la jolla yeah okay and i was one of the first original
00:34:40
night servers they were only a breakfast place right i worked at the brockton village well that's your problem now
00:34:45
it's a place that has night service it's right on the cove right beautiful it's beautiful look at the ocean okay you
00:34:50
were a night server that was and days over i did the morning right so one morning i was there i was slammed i had table
00:34:56
i hit the front patio which is like the most section two dude that's the most [ __ ] hardcore sex i have uh
00:35:03
i have a shore family um story about the brockton villa i don't know if i should talk about it yeah you should uh but i'm gonna get in trouble
00:35:10
we hung up our polly stuff i love paul also paulie's coming on this show in a couple of weeks we're having them on that's why i'll save this story for when
00:35:16
he he's here but my point is is that i had a table it was i don't want to name the race of the people it has nothing to
00:35:22
do with anything oh it doesn't no why did you mention yeah why would you bring it up why would you mention it because it
00:35:28
wasn't white people that's all i have to say it wasn't a white person it was a table of ten right and i remember being
00:35:36
slammed yeah slammed crushed what do you mean crush slammed overwhelmed yeah yeah yeah overwhelmed
00:35:43
with that with mostly whites no it was a mix yeah yeah
00:35:49
okay what is your attitude right now why were you mentioning you mentioned the race i'm just digging to find out what race they were because you were the one
00:35:54
that was so adamant about what were they at the time in this specific story they were persians okay
00:36:01
okay i'm just curious you brought it up and the the bill was like four hundred dollars bro right bro
00:36:08
yeah 400.
00:36:13
yeah and i they left me a penny
00:36:18
one cent a physical penny yes or a written on the chat or written on the bill physical penny in the black thing
00:36:24
pretty tight right very fast and they said the service was terrible was it
00:36:29
i was slammed i know but was it i don't know that's the eye of the beholder
00:36:35
i have the beholder that's the restaurant we should have gone to i have the beholder
00:36:40
in glendale yeah so wait a minute yeah they left you one physical penny yeah and i remember going that's why i tipped
00:36:46
so extravagantly because i even if the surface is terrible oh yeah it's just a terrible i always tip i
00:36:52
always tip right i just i never i never will [ __ ] people over because i worked in a restaurant but i'm just saying i guess that what we're both saying is
00:36:59
that the reason that they do this on bills is because of persian people yeah
00:37:04
[Laughter] yeah yeah so persian people it's all your fault tipping in cafe restaurants cafes in
00:37:10
iran is mostly not done or expected so that's what i'm saying so in iran they don't yeah so what i'm saying is that's
00:37:16
why i wish at that time my restaurant had a 18 [ __ ] thing in the [ __ ] thing but you were a bad server
00:37:23
i was slammed i don't think i was that was being funny you just put down some food all right
00:37:29
yeah here you go you're you're slammed right yeah yeah oh this food is late and cold i push i push pancake it's cold i
00:37:35
push it too bird i don't know not your fingers out on pancake why would your fingers be
00:37:41
pancakes i would do a county bit i don't know give me a new pancake you can i'll get a new one all right will this one take 45 minutes yeah watch
00:37:48
i'll take the two and put it up on my eyes i go look i'm googly i don't know i want to talk to you
00:37:55
i don't know what to do and you walk away and they're like we're definitely going to leave that chinese guy a penny yeah that was you that's what you did
00:38:01
you pancake facts yeah yeah i think my problem is is that whenever i and that they complained about all the time my thumb was always
00:38:07
in the food oh my god your thumbs too no because when i'm carrying it right
00:38:14
show your thumbs to the camera look at those things if we can zoom punch in on that thumbs up no please
00:38:20
well that's my thumbs would be in the [ __ ] play right and i would and then they'd be like yeah why is your thumbs in my scrambled eggs
00:38:27
100 yuck okay well i got [ __ ] all the time by the way you want to talk about getting [ __ ] on tips i got [ __ ] constantly in college
00:38:34
i worked at a wing place we had we had 10 cent wings how much how many [ __ ] tips you think i got oh nothing 10 cents terrible i
00:38:40
want one barbecue and one honey mustard two wings yeah
00:38:46
i'm not kidding and i go sir we have a minimum of we have a minimum of a half a dozen a minimum of six so 60 cents
00:38:52
minimum and you gotta and you have to buy a drink a lemonade if you don't want a cocktail and they go i don't want it
00:38:57
let me talk to your manager like yeah i mean bring them over they would literally i would got change thursday whatever it was wednesday nights i'd
00:39:03
have changed yeah i know walk home i did three dollars and [ __ ] nickels
00:39:09
in my pocket yeah i know comics that did comedy way early so they never had a
00:39:14
day job and their attitudes are like just wack what do you mean they're just
00:39:19
they they don't know what it's like to have a shitty job right yeah it's like you know it's like you and i i like i didn't make it until like my 30s we
00:39:26
still haven't made it really i know exactly we're still kind of still kind of struggling up there you know i mean but my point is is that um still kind of
00:39:32
drudging through it yeah um but yeah so glad i had those experiences because that's why years and years of like how
00:39:38
am i [ __ ] gonna pay around because she said to me something i don't know if i can say that well no it wasn't that private
00:39:44
but you said you were like i feel like i'm about to get out of whatever situation i'm in and you're like i feel
00:39:50
like i'm about to get to a new level yeah both professionally and personally and i thought that was a good that made me
00:39:56
feel good in my heart because i was like i really hope you do because i know you work super [ __ ] hard and you're very funny and i could tell her her
00:40:04
self-deprecation was on a high when we walked by her and she's pulling out a trash can out of the main room and
00:40:11
and i and she and i was like hey and she goes hi she goes really knocked me right back down to earth and she was dragging
00:40:17
a trash can through the hallway and i was like you're not going to be doing that for long
00:40:22
i hope not no you have a commercial agent uh-uh why uh i'm gonna skip that step go straight
00:40:28
to movies hell yeah [ __ ] do you not want to do it no i just i just don't right now i
00:40:34
all these things are coming into my life so fast right now and i'm just trying to enjoy it hold me tomorrow i'll get you
00:40:39
one yeah you should have one you should go off for one i know the guy i will call you i have a big day tomorrow i'm uh i
00:40:46
i do i'm going to the uh gynecologist then i have actually can we send a camera crew to go with her
00:40:53
for some bad friends content to the gynecologist yeah thank you then i'm going to active shooter training at the store
00:40:59
and then i'm hosting potluck wait a minute there's active shooter training what does that mean active shooter someone comes in with a gun oh my god
00:41:05
they're having that there yeah so you should feel safe no no no we're all getting trained with
00:41:11
guns tomorrow yeah but you guys don't you guys none of you are gonna have a gun i'm pretty sure that's what active
00:41:16
shooter training is you guys won't carry guns on the night of shows i think they're going to give us all guns okay
00:41:22
tight that's a good idea this is a really good idea yeah let's give a bunch of yeah because yeah all the doormen are
00:41:28
like bitter resentful [ __ ] comics yeah how funny renee is parking in the car oh my god
00:41:34
and he's backing in and just goes off in his pocket yeah yeah
00:41:40
raycon the greatest earbuds of all time of all of all time you know what really sucks bob the goat getting on the
00:41:46
treadmill uh you're and you're you're pushing to finish that last rep your earbuds but yeah well yeah that's bad in the
00:41:52
first place yeah okay let's say you're on an elliptical because you like those it's better on your knees and your back that's great and your earbud falls out
00:41:58
and bounces boom boom boom and it's gone yeah raycon doesn't oh my god do that all right also if you stays in your ear
00:42:03
holes but not only that let's say you're hiking with raycon right they look so sexy sexy right someone's gonna go
00:42:10
and also the sound quality is better than all of everything else well let me say this the raycon's fitness earbuds help you take your workout to the next
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00:42:26
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00:42:32
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it's gone that's code bad friends 15 at byraycon.com bad friends okay active shooter employee training
00:43:05
awareness by the way there's a new thing going around there's kindergarten teachers that are all over the internet that are strapped up now look
00:43:10
kindergarten teachers with guns it's like a new thing it's scary but you gotta do it so look at this trained armed and ready to teach kindergarten
00:43:15
more school employees are carrying guns to defend against school shootings in ohio a contentious new law requires no more
00:43:22
than 24 hours of training so one day you get to carry a gun around the kids nap time
00:43:29
lay down lay down
00:43:34
i don't watch get the [ __ ] crayon out of your mouth yeah bryson get it out
00:43:39
of your mouth who stole the cookie [Laughter] i have to go to the bathroom
00:43:46
where where do you have to go to the bathroom number one or number two which one well you did it now good it's done all right
00:43:52
let's sing a [ __ ] song yeah this is my gun [Laughter]
00:44:00
that's [ __ ] nuts kindergarten teachers with guns meanwhile like i feel like rudy had that during during during
00:44:08
vivaldi the all the cops had guns and they didn't go into the room and you've evolved whatever it was oh yeah yeah
00:44:14
yeah there's like 40 50 cops just there was a guy on his phone playing candy crush he was just like all right we'll
00:44:19
be in there in one minute guys he's like i gotta beat this [ __ ] level yeah do you see that guy on his [ __ ] phone he
00:44:24
was literally on his phone chilling there was another guy laughing just [ __ ] around no there was this guy there was a i don't know what this
00:44:31
shot is but he was going
00:44:37
he's probably listening to bad friends that's right that's right that's the only excuse
00:44:42
holy [ __ ] he's smiling that guy what could be funny what could be funny in that hallway honestly okay so there's
00:44:49
a school shooter if one of us if he did you and our cops right but if he did have our podcast in his ear
00:44:54
no but that look at that you and i are cops yeah and we're in the school all right so you're here you're
00:45:01
hearing kids crying this has been gunshots it's bad this is awful right yeah so what would
00:45:06
make us laugh [Music]
00:45:12
yeah we're like all right boys we have to flank in the side door you have to move in slowly bob i want you to stay down
00:45:19
we'd lose it we'd start shooting each other laughing yeah terrible yeah it's [ __ ] awful
00:45:25
that's awful yeah it's disgusting can i so can i tell you about a story that i just read yeah of course so i listened
00:45:31
to sword and scare and i listened to this last night it just blew my mind listen to what sword and scale it's another podcast sword and scale sword
00:45:37
and scale okay let's blank it out i don't want anybody we're not promoting it okay anyway so um do you know who i've ever got named
00:45:42
michael hahn michael hahn yeah i think that's his name is he a murderer is this another one of your crazy murderers
00:45:48
who is michael han bud maybe that's i got the wrong name so many whites i think i got the wrong name oh you know what i looked up look up well he's
00:45:54
looking that up look this up look up um names names and color you know synesthesia
00:46:01
when like um words are color there's a website you type in your name to see what colors your name is
00:46:07
you know what synesthesia is synesthetic people that can see color and like taste sound and [ __ ] yeah i've done acid
00:46:12
matthew matthew matthew hahn look at this though uh go to go to that synesthesia look at
00:46:19
that type in one of our names to see what they look what colors we are there's like a there's like a generator all right let's type in
00:46:25
let's type in juicy don't type in juicy because she's not juicy anymore who are
00:46:30
you now just jessie jetski jet ski type in jet ski well that's nice colors nice
00:46:36
colors really a little purple yellow how about my mine bobby bobby
00:46:42
yeah those are my [ __ ] colors all dark and one little red light one yellow [Laughter]
00:46:48
i'm blue island it kind of looks like a minion turned up on the other side yeah oh andrew whoa what am i i'm like the gay
00:46:55
pride flag i'm like one of those i'm like the lgbtq plus flag kind of the belgium flag colors a little bit yeah a
00:47:01
little bit on the right how about rudy well do juliana do her real name
00:47:08
portugal portugal on the right yeah portugal on the right and on the left it's that's like the nazi party isn't it no
00:47:14
no what's on the left it's like it's uh i think that's the neo-nazis yeah purple black and white isn't that neo-nazi flag
00:47:21
i don't know neo-nazi flag by the way this is great i love that he's this is his computer
00:47:26
yeah that's it yeah that looks exactly like yeah that's rudy's name aren't those the comedy star colors
00:47:32
yeah yeah they are they are yeah all right can i tell you about matthew hahn now matthew 1 can i tell
00:47:37
you about matthew haan i love you juice ah sorry not juice matthew damn it did you get them yeah
00:47:44
the burglar the burglar all right so check it out let's look so this is what this is what happened so you know how we have this
00:47:50
you know with the three strikes rule in california yeah right yeah so this dude had uh two strikes already as a burglar
00:47:58
he's been in prison for uh uh a long time what's the three strike rule three burglars here
00:48:04
i think if it's three felonies yeah you get a long time you get like california strikes law was enacted in 94 the
00:48:10
essence of three strikes law was required defendant convicted of any new felony having suffered one prior of a
00:48:16
serious felony to be sentenced to state prison for twice the term otherwise provided by the crime holy [ __ ] so if you [ __ ] up three times you're [ __ ] so
00:48:23
he had two strikes doing to check it out so one night he was pretty good you know a couple years he started doing math
00:48:28
this and that sounds good but then like his friend killed himself so he's like he goes slips back into meth addiction
00:48:34
and now he has to steal more right he already has two strikes so he cases this house check it out this is crazy this is
00:48:40
crazy case is his house because he heard that there was like a three-wheeler that he wanted to steal there yeah the guy
00:48:45
loves three weeks yeah he couldn't find it right and it's like three in the morning and he's walking and he sees
00:48:50
like a bungalow in front of a house and the doors open and through the wood and the lights on
00:48:56
in it right there's no one in there though and he sees a safe like a little safe so he just runs in
00:49:02
there grabs the safe gets in his car with his body and they just drive off early in the morning he opens the
00:49:08
[ __ ] save and there's six soiled
00:49:13
uh what are you diapers in there in the safe imagine breaking off i'm going to get make millions there's six
00:49:19
soiled diapers i got to tell you how many times i've done that right six oil diapers right and then
00:49:25
some a packet of fresh diapers like a little packet like that a gun and then some sort of like um internet uh what do
00:49:31
you call that a member usb usb sticker right yeah oh this i already know where this goes
00:49:37
what the guy was into kid stuff or something right so he puts it in there right and it's him this a guy
00:49:45
with a three-year-old guy oh no i don't know i thought it was a prank the whole time
00:49:51
listen to what his predicament was now right he's like do i turn this guy in
00:49:56
yes or do i go to he's that's he that's three strikes tournament oh turn him in
00:50:01
oh no oh well let's let's make up our own version are you going to tell me more or no well does he do it well you even want to know
00:50:09
what he does well yeah he does it obviously he turns him in he does and then he gets a massive like
00:50:14
50-year sentence what well that's not fair but yeah no but then what happened was oh by the way you just stole a safe
00:50:20
thinking that's a slap on the wrist like yeah but the third strike but the prosecutor knew
00:50:26
about a story and so he went the prosecutor went to like newspapers to do articles about the
00:50:31
guy yeah and then there was pressure and then he got like seven years good yeah that's great yeah yeah by the way
00:50:37
this is the better twist so what do you do if i'm him if i'm the burglar yeah and i just need i'm just thievering by
00:50:42
the way this is the problem with that he's probably just stealing [ __ ] just to get more meth and as long as he's not hurting other people you're
00:50:48
like ah dude he's just stealing [ __ ] cause he's a joke exactly exactly but if i was him yeah i'd go back and i'd kill
00:50:54
that guy what i would 100 kill the guy who's doing
00:50:59
stuff with kids i killed i'd murder that guy on site yeah but now you get life in prison i'd get away with it for sure i'd plan it and by the way i by the way
00:51:07
i'd leave all the evidence out so when they do find this nasty guy's body and me riddled it up with holes then they
00:51:12
find out he's a perv mcgirve and i'd leave the usb plugged in on a computer so they'd see what he's doing so then no
00:51:18
one's gonna try to find the murderer they'd be like this guy [ __ ] this guy who cares right you know what i mean yep wouldn't i get away with it yeah because
00:51:23
what cop is going to be like we got investigate who killed this pervert nobody [ __ ] cares they wouldn't suspect you anyway because before that
00:51:29
you were just a thief exactly i was just a thief i'm not a murderer you can't [ __ ] the guy or anything after
00:51:34
leave any dna you just gotta kill him i don't know if i can do that
00:51:40
i gotta have to kiss i always kiss i know you do i know everyone i killed like a twist if i kill him i kiss him i don't think he can't leave i go out
00:51:45
there
00:51:50
that's so [ __ ] gross that guy should he should have just killed that guy yeah you're right you're right i just shot him right in the head
00:51:56
when he opened the face and he realized what it was he was just like what the [ __ ] do i do you know i mean he
00:52:01
had to do something that's like an episode of barry that sounds like you ever watch do you watch barry i heard it's good so [ __ ] good but it's [ __ ]
00:52:07
like that like these comparable things you're like he shouldn't kill that guy but also [ __ ] that guy it was kind of the same way with dexter right where
00:52:12
like yeah you were like oh you shouldn't be a murderer but also maybe it's okay yeah and we know how you like justice
00:52:18
with those 18 gratuity addie they deserve 20 at minimum everyone
00:52:24
deserves 20 at minimum but the dude's now just fy the dude is out he's sober for a long time he's got a beautiful you
00:52:31
should have him on the show yeah and he also does podcast he's really intelligent let's have him on the show i'd love to have this guy on the show
00:52:36
math matthew matt haan matt haan right you like him it kind of sounds asian matt haan he's white is he yeah but he's
00:52:43
like a cool guy i've been seeing interviews of them and it was just like it's just an insane predicament what were his other favorite thefts just
00:52:51
because he was his what were they i'm saying were they i don't remember what they were like just money and what's that what thievery are we okay with
00:52:58
morally and ethically in this room grocery store yeah grocery store i'm okay with comedy store
00:53:05
when it comes to like big corporations i'm like take care take it take it take it [ __ ] whole foods [ __ ] amazon same
00:53:12
same thing [ __ ] anything big box chain [ __ ] costco steel target steel kmart walmart steel steel
00:53:19
sometimes though in target they'll get people who are selling their product to
00:53:24
a bigger thing they've already sold them though they've already sold
00:53:40
want a little pain no that's [ __ ] up okay you can only hurt the big box but you know who i always wanted i'm cool
00:53:46
with robbing a bank by the way for the record i think bank robbing is tight i think it should come back i love it
00:53:51
it's just it's a lot can go wrong but don't hurt anybody just get the money good luck yeah but
00:53:59
because i would have to do the grenade thing the grenade thing like hold this grenade and don't let it go oh you
00:54:04
pulled the pin and hold the yeah yeah hold everyone give it i would give that to you if i saw you in the bank i didn't mean to be like watch this i'd be like
00:54:10
hold this and i'll just give it back to you
00:54:16
two [ __ ] died while robbing a bank but i would do the grenade thing what else would you do good anything's good
00:54:22
no it's really good yeah yeah don't let this go don't let this go yeah otherwise everyone in here goes but i if i rode
00:54:28
rob bank i'd walk in with a real baby a real babe now that's not someone else's baby yeah and the higher stakes don't
00:54:34
move or the baby gets i'm it kindergarten teacher i'm off my ship
00:54:41
i'm on my nap time don't move i'd bring in a baby and i go do you want this baby to live yeah but it's not me
00:54:47
race into it it's got to be a white baby value is that what it is i don't know do you think
00:54:53
i'm just asking i don't think white babies are the most expensive anymore yeah what do you think the most expensive
00:54:58
white baby is any non-white yeah because the culture shanks culture's changing yeah yeah yeah yeah
00:55:03
times have changed it's a different black baby yeah yeah i think a mixed baby and you
00:55:09
don't know what it is yeah a couple of nation babies a couple canadians and that thing is worth as much money as you i mean yeah
00:55:15
there's an instagram for mixed race babies yeah mixed race babies instagram yeah yeah
00:55:21
that's wild people just how many followers more than all of us no 243 is real look at that girl right there
00:55:27
i mean that's something we bring that girl nobody knows what she is that that girl people like oh here's my money here's my
00:55:33
money take my money yeah look at how good looking this mixed race baby is oh my god yeah look at how good looking
00:55:39
this mixed race man do you want this mixed race baby to live are you woke there you are you woke up
00:55:45
right oh that one oh [ __ ] they won't even know they're being robbed they'll just be giving you just throwing the
00:55:51
bank will just be like oh my god open the vault look at how cute that [ __ ] kid is yeah what about a baby with down
00:55:58
syndrome we'll be right back
00:56:10
yeah you guys are the getaway driver yeah what kind of car did you get i got a toyota prius
00:56:17
yeah we do want to save the environment yeah environment while we're robbing banks you know we would if we told her to get a [ __ ] car and she got a prius
00:56:24
we would be angry non-tinted windows too it's just like the bright everybody can see us sitting in a nice prius at a stop
00:56:29
light and this color is like a light green like a light green super trackable yeah yeah yeah it's all they had at
00:56:34
enterprise you rented it did you use your old name you wouldn't
00:56:40
let me use your audi yeah yeah that's right we can't let her use the house so that's what she rented that thing yeah
00:56:46
should we show up to rob a bank by the way what bank are we robbing can we have a consensus on what bank what bank do we
00:56:52
want to rob the most is it wells fargo is it bank of america
00:56:58
wells fargo has done some shady [ __ ] though which bank has the most controversies like wells fargo did they get in trouble for like selling off your
00:57:04
[ __ ] information and all that stuff no they took money from large accounts oh we're okay wells fargo we're stealing
00:57:09
from them okay we all [ __ ] with you so we're gonna what part of town though that matters what do you mean
00:57:15
it's got to be like it's got to be a really nice welcome no no i think it's got to be in a city where there's a lot
00:57:22
of traffic water traffic oh no i don't well no i don't want a lot of traffic a lot of people a lot of witnesses no no i
00:57:27
have smoke bombs oh you got smoke i brought this i had no idea that you had smoke yeah and i want what color the
00:57:33
smoke what color i won't mix my grenades with the smoke bombs i'll i'll have them numbered can you imagine you get them confused and you're like hold this going
00:57:41
yeah yeah that's what i'm saying what color is your smoke say it's yellow yeah it'll be yellow me and you have red and yellow red yellow going up yeah yeah
00:57:47
that's like our wet bandits moniker we always leave red and yellow smoke right yeah so we're thinking right we were at
00:57:53
the scene baby and then rudy what is she doing to help i'll be a sniper
00:57:59
okay we're not murdering we're not gonna kill anybody we don't want anybody those police aren't chasing you so you're
00:58:04
gonna shoot cops now you're a cop kill the smoke yeah you're a cop killer
00:58:10
yeah okay maybe it could be like a marshmallow gun or something just to slow him down all right like rubber
00:58:16
bullets that's good rubber balls rubber bullets okay god she was so quick to be cool with killing a cop yeah she didn't even
00:58:23
think about it yeah she was like [ __ ] 12. i'll kill the cop all right so we no let me ask you something
00:58:29
would you give a note or would you do it verbally i love a note i love a good note yeah but you okay so
00:58:36
in line but i have bad handwriting that's the problem like that would be me we the people are fed up yeah we out
00:58:42
here i mean me that would be my handwriting and i'd give it to the teller and they'd be like put the [ __ ]
00:58:48
in the zag yeah i'm like you know what i'm saying yeah
00:58:53
and i would probably do the yes and no boxes oh can i rob you yeah
00:58:59
yes or no right and then after they filled it up can i have it back please and i have to read it back yes
00:59:06
you know what i would hand somebody and hand them a magic eye so they have to like cross their eyes to see it says we're robbing you yeah
00:59:12
yeah that's a pretty good one right so we do it and then we do they we hand them a bag yeah well what i don't
00:59:18
know how to do this i've never done this before did we say that to them we've never done this before we're just handing you yeah do we hand you the bag
00:59:24
or do you hand us a bag yeah yeah what bag do we bring in i gotta get a duffel bag well cut well you want a nice brand
00:59:29
do you want a fancy one yeah gucci you want a gucci
00:59:44
okay so so our bag is cash with cash our bag is worth four grand yeah and they only fill it up with like two and a half
00:59:50
grand that's true and we're like yeah we know we got shitty shitty bags you're right shitty bag we that ten dollar bag let's
00:59:56
say we just get trader joe's bags fill these up fill these up now and they're like sir we only have so many
01:00:02
dollars here the rest is in the vault and we don't have the access code what do we do you say uh do you guys do
01:00:08
venmo can you oh that's smart do you guys have paypal can you imagine them scanning my
01:00:13
phone trying to get the code but it's like it's not working yeah i just i can't and then as they go to pay me they're
01:00:19
like what are your last four digits to your phone number because it's not going through and i'm like i don't want to give that to you because then you're
01:00:24
gonna know can i have i have a fantasy sometimes okay when i go to bed i'm robbing a bank
01:00:30
but i spend 30 years digging underground to go up underneath it underneath the
01:00:35
bank right and then because i don't feel like it's metal i think it's just concrete the floor i'm
01:00:41
sure the vault is steel yeah that's the walls but in the bottom i don't think it's no i'm sure they do steel yeah i
01:00:47
mean that's why i haven't tried it because i want to i don't want to get to that i don't want to get you i go yeah it's metal that's the reason you haven't
01:00:52
tried it yeah yeah yeah but i in my mind spends
01:00:58
it is of course steel yeah yeah that's you el chapo's tunnel yeah so i feel like if i dig up there it's
01:01:04
concrete let's just say that it is concrete yeah and you can buy the hole right and they wait for like labor day
01:01:10
weekend when you know when they're not open right they open it bank holiday yeah bank holiday right right
01:01:15
and i go in there and i steal everything in the vault all the money on the and then here's my other fantasy
01:01:22
right on this on the bottom of it um in the tunnels all around the tunnels
01:01:28
yeah i'll put mines so it explodes no it's annoying so so so i'll dig 30 years to get to the
01:01:35
[ __ ] thing take the money take the money out right and have carts and stuff right and they'll put mines down why
01:01:42
because when the cops see it right it'll just take them longer right they'll go oh this whole tunnel is
01:01:48
mine so we have to be very careful because we don't know where to because my tunnels are also going to go zig zaggy oh you want to make it real
01:01:54
complicated right so then when they look this way they just go right or left they don't know where the beginning point is imagine you getting lost in one of your
01:02:00
own tunnels when you're escaping with money you just can't get out yeah you die in
01:02:05
there you spent 30 years digging it but i would i would dig elaborate tunnels that guy pack money though that's what
01:02:11
happens it explodes what are you gonna do about the dye packs what's that so they put these dye packs
01:02:16
on money when the banks get robbed but they put that in it like when you do a robbery and they go here's your bag for
01:02:21
the money it goes they have die packs and it explodes and it [ __ ] up the money kind of like have you ever seen those tags at really nice high-end um
01:02:27
clothing stores that like they beep or they have like a they're like you can hear them ticking they're like little electromagnetic tags
01:02:34
you've never seen this or heard this no that really like where do you show well sometimes
01:02:40
like high-end clothing stores you can hear the electronic tags they have dye in there
01:02:45
what happens is it'll explode and it ruins the garment so it's like worthless anyway they don't have dye in the package yeah they do yes really in them
01:02:52
yeah really yes yes that's insane these little electronic they sound like ticking bombs you know what i'm talking
01:02:57
about carlos you can physically hear them like you can hear them tick
01:03:03
wow pack is a radio-controlled device used by banks to foil a bank robbery
01:03:08
dude it's been around since 1965 but if you if i was some sort of engineer
01:03:13
i could create a mechanism right that just puts them off in the store just for fun
01:03:19
a banknote that is this color with security die cannot be redeemed right of course yeah so you would make an engineering ploy to make
01:03:25
it so it wouldn't it's in a you said clothing store right like she has
01:03:34
that's for the robbers but then banksy would be like i did that and then everything would be 80 billion sure they just said by the
01:03:41
way i just saw a sign on the highway banksy just did like a sale like a art sale here in los angeles los angeles
01:03:46
sale they had like a [ __ ] gallery apparently that was going on here oh
01:03:52
yeah look at this all sold out right like he did a closing july 31st tickets are still
01:03:59
available oh so you can go watch [ __ ] and buy his art
01:04:04
how [ __ ] funny it is funny how he's like anti-corporate but he's totally [ __ ] corporate as [ __ ] like he wants all that
01:04:10
huh billionaires so much money so much money so much [ __ ] money i feel like that's all of us like everybody hates the rich but wants to be rich yeah i've
01:04:17
kind of i don't [ __ ] i don't hate the rich i hate people there's certain people you want to be rich yeah
01:04:23
how rich what would you do with the money i want a house i'd like to buy my mom a house that's tight that's cool and i want to
01:04:30
pay off my car yeah and maybe buy some nicer clothes at these ticking places yourself you want
01:04:35
to go in clothes okay yeah yeah well look at this says that the research says 75 000 a year can
01:04:42
buy you happiness would that be enough that's fine that's good yeah wait 75 000 a year
01:04:48
these studies have been going on for years they find that these studies find that statistically typically the happiest people are in a
01:04:54
range of income earning it's usually around like 70 to 100 grand and then those people tend to have the
01:05:01
uh on paper statistically happy lives like they feel the most fulfilled and they feel that they don't have they have
01:05:08
enough where they don't have a ton but they don't have too little they feel like they're in a good pocket wow it's a global study by
01:05:15
the way that's insane look the global study says 95 000 for life satisfaction between 60 grand and 75 grand for emotional well-being but this is based
01:05:22
on a lot of different factors that you can't kind of put into but some i guess they do think that that's like the optimal number
01:05:28
i think i'm in the 12 to 24. do you really really yeah that's your
01:05:33
like my whole like living on my own so what would be the number that you think would and by the way this is [ __ ]
01:05:39
because it's your net what is this median listing home price was a million dollars in l.a yeah it's [ __ ] gross this place sucks this place sucks that's
01:05:45
insane um what's the number you think would you be happy with like if you made x amount of dollars a year you'd be like i'm good
01:05:51
uh i i really don't know how to answer that because i don't i like would want to buy a house so i
01:05:58
guess a million you need a million at least a million yeah so there's a million for the house a million for the house well you're two you need two
01:06:04
million your money is a house mommy's two million pay off your car how much uh you get a brand new car
01:06:10
you would get a brand new car i like my car but uh okay so two million twenty thousand twenty yeah two million twenty thousand a couple of nice ticket
01:06:16
clothing source yeah i want your clothes at your place i don't care i don't shop there you can tell by the way my wardrobe is pathetic yeah
01:06:23
but let's just say you want another ten thousand dollars in clothes so i'm just asking for two million thirty thousand
01:06:29
that's it that's right yeah that's dude but then you're done then i'm done then you're zeroed out you're okay with it
01:06:34
but could i but then i'd like to give back some money too to whom to who like other comics up and
01:06:39
coming and probably find a charity no that's nice you won't do that yeah like how you give me a hundred dollars in the
01:06:46
lot i would do that i'm gonna you're gonna see me and like i've given you a hundred dollars yeah
01:06:51
you're gonna see me in 10 years and some young kids gonna come park my car and i'm gonna be like do you like money
01:06:58
i've said that do you like money yeah we talked about it okay can i say this though that money that you got is from
01:07:03
the improv okay because the improv pays you cash yeah right so whenever i play the improv
01:07:09
i always give that cash away well if i knew that i would have said keep your improv money yeah she hates the improv
01:07:17
rudy how much do you want to make um you already made she's already making like 700 000 a year or something right
01:07:23
now yeah at that bookstore bookstore is paying a lot of money i just want
01:07:29
three million a year yeah okay jesus christ just a little bit your mind your mind you're
01:07:35
warped i love it yeah i think i asked for too little yeah what is this gucci knives or six hundred
01:07:41
dollars a knife that's what you're gonna buy with your money oh that's a set of two yeah that's for that's for one lonely guy we wanted
01:07:48
to know what you guys wanted to make and apparently three million dollars a year is [ __ ] how are you gonna do that jules how the [ __ ] are we gonna make you
01:07:53
3 million a year that's so much money okay maybe three million like in total already for the rest of
01:08:00
your life yeah well we okay we were doing yearly how long you gonna live
01:08:07
forever 35. you're gonna live till you're 35. yeah
01:08:13
so 15 more years yeah oh my god it's so sad so 3 million 3 million divided by 15
01:08:18
years you're going to make 200 grand a year we could probably get you there i guess we get you there
01:08:23
you want to die at 35 kiddo because what if i get hit or something or get shot
01:08:29
who's hitting you i don't know who's shooting you bud a school shooter
01:08:36
they don't really go for uh [ __ ] community colleges i feel like they stick to this big she's in the university csun
01:08:43
is is northwestern a community college no cal state cal state california oh cal state northridge is that well they don't
01:08:49
like cal state school they don't like cal state school scooters don't do cal state um i don't know what if i get eaten by a
01:08:56
bear or something eaten by a bear yeah that seems unlikely unlikely but you'll be out of school by 35.
01:09:03
i don't know not with this [ __ ] brain yeah bear attacks are one in two million there's no way no chance no chance shark
01:09:09
attack more common probably for you especially because you go swimming out there where they are yeah one in three million but
01:09:16
do some do some math what about filipino girls that go to hawaii often but it's one in three million
01:09:22
that doesn't include people that don't go in the ocean correct right just one in three million people the three
01:09:27
million people in the ocean no i think that's just one you have one in three million chance of getting bit by a shark some guy that lives in [ __ ] um idaho
01:09:35
that is lives in the forest is not gonna get bitten by a [ __ ] shark he shouldn't be a part of the equation uh
01:09:41
heart heart disease then okay 39 000 deaths in the females in the philippines in 2019. all alright so you
01:09:47
can get heart disease i can see it your diet's bad yeah that's not
01:09:52
isn't it i guess it does yeah yeah don't eat bad [ __ ] mcdonald's french fries yeah what the [ __ ] that's all what do you mean do
01:09:58
you think that's not a bad diet she makes her own french fries terrible would you air fry it yeah i did it was
01:10:03
really soggy it's not good you can't you can't air fry french fries i think you can you can't well oven cook
01:10:10
them then you can oven cook them but you can't air fry them they come soggy they just get too soft can you can how do you
01:10:16
make crunch google how do you make crispy a [ __ ] french fries in the airfryer you know what's good in a pan with oil and you fry them yeah
01:10:23
no that's really good that's the best way to make it in a traditional way to make french fries she's like just put them in a pan with
01:10:28
oil i used to make those all the time air fryer set the kitchen appliance 350. okay it says you could do it but
01:10:34
yeah unlike a microwave reheating fries with the airfryer keeps them crisp so this is saying it does get crisp in the airfryer
01:10:40
you [ __ ] up five three to five minutes i did ten no thirteen minutes thirteen minutes
01:10:47
i mean you overcooked it but they were soggy they were soggy not cooked all the way through i think your fries were cut
01:10:52
too thick oh yeah steak fries okay they were cooked yeah you gotta throw them out we'll switch that up
01:10:57
that's fine yeah yeah i just go to [ __ ] mcdonald's why would you make it at home yeah you're
01:11:03
not going to be cheap you're not going to beat the place that's been doing it right for so long yeah yeah what are we talking best fries in the game
01:11:08
mcdonald's better than in and out better than burger king better than wendy's better than hamburger in town
01:11:14
now what is high hall oh yeah oh yeah they're good yeah real good
01:11:19
there yeah there's so many competitors like burgers never say die all that [ __ ] there's so many burgers my favorite's
01:11:24
easy street and they used to be in a little tent by my house and now they've moved to burbank dude i'm going to have one of those right now right now
01:11:32
you want one of those yeah i'll take you right after this we're going to that's my favorite trying to eat less
01:11:38
red meat but it's not working i said [ __ ] it i don't know what i'm i'm trying no because i know it's not great
01:11:44
for you to eat it so much but i love it so much but it clogs up my insides i didn't poop for like four days when i
01:11:49
had kovacs i didn't need to know this four days i don't know i don't care about your schedule also i don't even know if i had covert by the way i cause
01:11:56
i tested you tested positive yeah but then three days later was negative yeah and everybody was like that i don't
01:12:02
know if that's possible maybe you have monkey pox
01:12:07
you might have had it in your poop it's what they're saying those with digestive systems were more likely to have a positive stool test
01:12:14
oh wow whoa well i did put the swab in my nose and then in my [ __ ]
01:12:20
so that does add up i guess lack of appetite the most common symptom oddly polar opposite couldn't stop
01:12:26
[ __ ] eating couldn't stop [ __ ] eating like a fat [ __ ] i just sat on i have door dash all day long
01:12:34
i door dashed all day long on my [ __ ] couch what do you get most like if you look at your orders what's the most
01:12:39
if i look at my door dash app yeah i want to let's go my door dash i'll see what i order the most when i'm not feeling well i usually do it when i'm
01:12:45
not feeling well because otherwise i go get stuff but it has your history right yeah
01:12:51
i'll tell you mine so where is it mine goes morton's casita del campo mortons
01:12:57
casito del campo casita del campa casita del campo mortons so you like mixing it up a lot
01:13:03
that literally is my thing let me hear yours let me hear yours i know mine by heart it's sweet greens or joe's pizza
01:13:11
love joe's so good mine is thai food
01:13:16
thai food mendocino farms uh pizza thai
01:13:22
goop kitchen pizza goop
01:13:28
sugar fish thai indian mendocino jones it's all the same [ __ ] yeah well i
01:13:34
think when you order food like especially during the pandemic when that's everybody was doing so much of it
01:13:39
sometimes you get it delivered and it's like not good yeah but then you find your places that that do it the best
01:13:45
there's places that do the delivery the best yeah all right well listen um i want to announce something okay happy to
01:13:52
announce we're getting married we are getting married i'm a little excited about it i have
01:13:58
decided i'm gonna finally shoot my special yeah netflix uh september 24th
01:14:03
i'm gonna be shooting at the paramount theater in denver tickets should be available by the time this comes out
01:14:09
um and in the meantime i'm doing i'm gonna run my hour in a bunch of different spots i'm doing salt lake city september 9th and 10th and then we're
01:14:15
adding dates so go to andrewsantino.com to see those i'll be running the hour yeah i'm taping it september 24th i'm
01:14:21
nervous it's gonna be great i'm nervous taping is so stinky live shows are so fun but taping is so [ __ ] annoying
01:14:28
because you're there's so much that makes it look not like a comedy show that you're like it's just it's t but
01:14:35
you know what i got a good crew people doing it this uh the same guys that i went and saw ari shafir do his taping in new york and it
01:14:42
was [ __ ] beautiful and it didn't look it cameras weren't in people's faces it
01:14:47
was like hidden so nobody kind of knew it kind of felt they knew it was a taping but it you know there's nothing
01:14:52
worse than when you're like taping a guy like looking around a [ __ ] camera stock and yeah it's just weird like whenever i did the comedy central one
01:14:58
the half hours we would break they would stop in between comics they go okay guys
01:15:03
we're gonna change some stuff out i was like how are they gonna find this funny they have to like sit there and wait for
01:15:09
a new comic for 20 minutes and then that's why i would never do one where it's a series like it's going to be you
01:15:15
joe dorothea you know i mean i want to do my own when i do one it's going to be my own thing that's why i waited yeah i
01:15:20
did this and i think i'm going to do mine in the theater in a round you want it in the round yeah
01:15:25
wow cause your body you want people to see your whole body yeah and i also want it to be like just kind of stacked you
01:15:30
want to like falling in on you yeah i want to stack theater in the round where it's kind of like blood sport well
01:15:37
here's the deal yeah yeah september 24th at the paramount theater in denver i'm doing it go to anderson.com to follow me before that to
01:15:43
see what other dates i'm doing outside of salt lake city to warm up me and bobby are planning a tour right now to do bad friends next year we are going to
01:15:50
be coming tell us where you want us to go because we're going to be doing a bad friends tour maybe jet ski will be there
01:15:55
she'll open all the shows maybe all right well everyone go visit rudy go to anderson.com and come see me live
01:16:02
and go visit rudy and tell say hey i'm a bad friend and that is going to get you how much off what's the discount at the
01:16:07
bookstore five five what five what five percent
01:16:12
five percent ten percent you're going to get 15 off when you say i'm a bad friend too
01:16:19
um why don't you say goodbye for us thank you for being a bad friend
01:16:25
[Music]
