00:00:00
you two are bad these two idiots friends
00:00:11
Annie come home from the war you miss
00:00:17
come home to Daddy daddy miss you so
00:00:23
much baby come on baby
00:00:33
wow she died Johnny died my song Johnny died in the song yeah he was in the war and he he
00:00:41
had some sort of gangrene on his leg cuz he stepped on an IAD he stepped on an
00:00:46
IUD or an IE d I you see he stepped on a birthday drop another bomb
00:00:52
oh he stepped on a birthday I don't think yeah yeah okay I got gangrene ye D it would have been blowed off
00:00:57
yeah but I UD stepped on a birth control um I'm wondering if you were in because
00:01:05
I see a lot of war movies and I feel like in like the movie platoon mmm-hmm
00:01:10
you would be the Kevin Dillon character sure you would like make a Vietnamese
00:01:16
guy hop up and down on one leg yep and dance yep and you'd be the guy that like
00:01:22
you know you're like would the guy that like the other platoon of soldiers go oh did you see what Andrew did mm-hmm
00:01:27
back in the village yeah he tortured that little Korean boy of the baby no no
00:01:33
I didn't he was he walked into the hut he picked up the baby and he just started having sex I wouldn't have sex I
00:01:39
would throw it I might throw it or kick it and I throw it or ticket yeah Bob have you been lighting have you been
00:01:45
lighting cigarettes with a like a campfire lighter yeah like a torch lighter yep why do you not have a
00:01:51
regular lighter find him I can't find him anywhere in the house that little
00:01:56
song baby come oh I really like that you do is that is that an old is that a thing that we should know no I just made
00:02:02
it up oh wow yeah I just make up songs because what sounds like an old classic yeah beautiful Korean yeah like we have
00:02:08
a know there's an old Irish there's an old Irish one old Irish folklore type song well but it's this is
00:02:15
it's translated because it's it's in Gaelic but this is what oh yeah but in English it says this they go there once
00:02:23
was a lad who drank - don't laugh why
00:02:29
are you laughing I'm trying to give you a piece of my culture in my history whatever that you know it's like
00:02:35
whatever you watch like the game of thrones or any of those kind of movies Andy or The Hobbit or Lord of the Rings
00:02:41
sure and then like you know meet a hobbit we'll start singing in a [ __ ] auditorium I used to start laughing it's
00:02:48
so dumb hey there once was a lad who
00:02:56
drank too much he'd never be alive again
00:03:01
whiskey and beer and whiskey again never will he see a friend yeah he laid to
00:03:09
rest he did his best all right he fought when they asked him to a drunk but a good man
00:03:18
overall thank goodness he wasn't did you
00:03:26
that's a good song it rings true today mm-hmm yeah evergreen it's evergreen
00:03:31
song from the evergreen country much like those kind of uh those kind of things like if you're watching it I
00:03:38
don't know what you Shawn or what time pure it is but where they used to have barns like travelling bars yeah
00:03:44
travelling bars yeah they would tell stories and sing those were like the Beatles and you know I mean yeah those
00:03:51
were like they were like half Beatles and half like/comment what was that what was that um what was that movie it was
00:03:57
like seven short films what was that called there's so many no the one it just came out a couple years ago seven
00:04:02
short films and it one of the film one of the short films was about a man who traveled the country with no limbs telling stories oh yeah I did see that I
00:04:10
why can't I think of the name of that what was that oh so good with a horror movie it was like the Halloween right no
00:04:16
no no this was like um oh dude this is yeah okay yeah what yeah he had no limbs and he was a
00:04:22
trap he would travel a ton of town and a guy would take care of them losing him yeah exactly yeah what was
00:04:28
that ballad of Buster Scruggs does that sound stupid is that way off wait what's
00:04:36
up a little buzz destroy you know we're talking about get it know anything by the way we have our we have what stick
00:04:42
with t2 is uncle what's nice what nice yeah what's nice is what sneezing go man
00:05:00
go so that's it by the way Ballad of Buster Scruggs was the correct title of that movie Ballad of Buster Scruggs I was right it was a cone the Coen
00:05:05
brothers made that it was seven short little vignettes look that's right it was very good ice all right yeah that's
00:05:11
about the traveling guy would be a buckle bangle but I don't want to skip over that buckle bangle but say it slow
00:05:17
so I can hear it bug bug oh man
00:05:26
every time I do it it sounds like the computer that translates it and what and
00:05:32
what language is that what's Visayan whoa it's [ __ ] mythic
00:05:43
there's history so let me ask you something Jules I know you don't like talking but um in the Philip so every
00:05:49
island has their own language it closer to the mic yeah you have to get close to
00:05:55
the mic so we can hear you you have
00:06:00
Tagalog yeah and some other islands also speak Tagalog oh I see what's the what's
00:06:07
the most common language in the phillipines tagalog tagalog yeah yeah
00:06:13
but can you understand like if somebody speaking Telugu yeah you can understand
00:06:19
it because you speak it I'm okay with it I'm not an expert yeah it's like if we went to it's just
00:06:28
like like we go to be sounds in LA and no we lived it went to Nevada or something and then they had a well maybe
00:06:34
not Nevada no like if you argue something South the South if you go to New Orleans in New Orleans then they had a completely different
00:06:39
language that we didn't understand but now New Orleans that did the the like in New Orleans the what is it called the
00:06:45
Crete like when they do real Creole yeah yeah yeah that stuff's hard here look at
00:06:51
that tell me if you can understand what this says tell me if you can understand this one what am I saying here here
00:06:57
oedometer alone naru yo meadow la
00:07:02
Gennaro no it is so racist one more time right
00:07:10
here oh do me alone do you hear any of that that's that's in Tagalog that's how
00:07:16
are you doing today yeah yo Jimmy no her landlord Toronto
00:07:23
yeah I don't think it's right it's not you don't think that's right at all she's how are you oh that sounds like
00:07:30
Spanish come on stop how about how about this what's this one do - angam pora shun gum no nothing nothing God what is
00:07:39
this app [ __ ] Google but they don't
00:07:44
have Filipino on there no they katakana is the most common one on the language trans I want do you ever when you go to another place
00:07:50
though and you try to conversate with someone do you use English as the as the middle
00:07:55
ground I've only come authors and they
00:08:01
speak Visayan my language oh they speak your line yeah yeah when I go to Manila I speak English
00:08:07
because I'm not good with do most people in Manila speak English they do but they
00:08:15
don't they're not good right yeah you're really good at it when did you start
00:08:20
taking English because the schools teach
00:08:25
English yeah with hopes that you guys are gonna get out or maybe the concubine
00:08:31
life yeah sometimes like you know the x-pac's or whatever you know the older you mean white dudes my tutors are there
00:08:37
yeah the dudes and they want to bang bang you know what 90-day fiance is do you know what that television show us Oh
00:08:42
wonderful yeah it's so good why the season it's so good yeah and these men
00:08:48
are trying to go marry a lot a lot of Filipino women that come across the show and they want they married them
00:08:54
so they could get to the United States but that you know there's something about you I've seen that show before there's something about like average or
00:09:00
kind of an ugly or white dude and then they go to a country like that and they come back with a real hottie I get angry
00:09:06
why I don't know why they come back because those women just want somewhere to live I mean there's they're basically
00:09:12
sex slaves their sex life yeah they have sex with these weird white dudes that are like they say it's looking for your
00:09:17
wife there's there's a old series on HBO called autopsy you ever see those no oh
00:09:24
you you have HBO go yeah yeah all right so go to the documentary section autopsy
00:09:30
it's called autopsy and they were made in the early 90s or 90s they're incredible because they show real bodies
00:09:37
and stuff oh yeah back in the day yeah but it's like they're all forensic II you know Case Files but it's all Case
00:09:43
Files on like like um on cold cases or on Oh on real cases that they solved through forensics well they've been shot
00:09:49
it was like the first show of that kind whoa and they had this uh filmed feel and of this white dude man gross and is
00:09:56
exactly it is a young Filipino wife right suddenly dies right they find her
00:10:02
like handy you know I love it when they find the hand first they'll find a hand
00:10:09
sticking out of the ground yeah right and then they don't know what to do it's always a jogger right so I
00:10:14
saw her here yeah I hate when they do that you know what I would if I died
00:10:19
right yeah I would I want to die in a mysterious way in that way where they find my hand in a field but then like a
00:10:27
year later they find like an ear in like an island off why and then the foot in
00:10:33
Antartica we just spread your body parts all over oh the world we don't know what the [ __ ] happened just one Bobby Levi's
00:10:38
sticking out at a fish market is your
00:10:43
advice yeah and then um so that it always remains autopsy but then it turns
00:10:50
out like he's always he always does that like he has had four other Filipino Pino
00:10:57
why over her his life and he mysteriously died or disappeared disgusting yeah so they you know who's
00:11:04
the American he's oh it's always an older white dude yeah I know but but dude a lot of
00:11:09
British there was a British dude in the news in Bristol maybe it was called yeah
00:11:14
39:39 women and children that he had killed did it did all this screwed up [ __ ] 239
00:11:22
he got away with it forever yeah he basically wanted to get caught at some point yeah these weird old white dudes
00:11:27
they get these foreigners like that yeah cuz they can't you know they can't think what are they gonna yeah but you know
00:11:33
what that kind of behavior it's disgusting where though yeah I know because remember the Japanese kid there
00:11:39
was a Japanese kid it he went to school he comes from a real rich Japanese
00:11:44
family a powerful Japanese family yeah and he went to a school a boarding school or a college or whatever he was a
00:11:50
foreign exchange student in Sweden or whatever and he ate a white Swedish girl
00:11:56
oh yes Aitor yes and then he's now in like prison
00:12:02
yeah but his family is so powerful that he got out yeah and now he's just Froemming free I imagine like he's in a
00:12:09
Japanese bar getting drunk right yes and people are telling stories you know I mean and he could this is always top
00:12:16
everyone else's yeah yeah whoa that's
00:12:30
impressive yeah to eat a white Swedish girl and get away with it I love that money power
00:12:35
respect yeah Oh Bob speaking of which yeah how cool is this never anyway uh hey thank you thank you to Ted months
00:12:43
yes this is awesome right that really is dope this is very easy it on camera can you see it yeah how do you
00:12:49
say cool in she's not [ __ ] she's she's my little Google Translate she's a
00:12:56
bright girl how do you say cool thank you thank you how do you say thank you oh you Filipinos don't say thank you
00:13:04
llama say llama shipstation you guys the world is changing we all
00:13:09
need to adapt everyone's buying stuff online staying at home now that ecommerce is up they need to meet the
00:13:15
demands of a new delivery culture you got to get ready and you shipstation it's the fastest
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station comm make ship happen better help better help is there something
00:14:31
interfering with your happiness to preventing you from achieving your goals help will access your knees and match
00:14:36
you with your own licensed professional therapist let me see this right now okay yeah we Jules did you not do what Jules
00:14:43
yeah and then when you did better help and you talk to your therapist what happened and she felt lighter and
00:14:51
happier afterwards better help isn't a shift in her no seriously it's clients
00:14:56
all over the world if you if you really need someone to talk to this is incredible you can log in anytime anywhere and message a counselor when
00:15:03
you really need it the most let's be honest Bob and I've talked about it we all have vulnerabilities you need to talk to someone when you're going through something regardless of
00:15:09
what it is it literally therapy has saved my own life and I really it's a fact yeah and I wouldn't be here today
00:15:15
without it I agree no seriously it is something that we should take serious and we should also be proud to say we all do therapy that's a good thing it's
00:15:21
social Jules did it I did it Bob that it's more affordable than traditional offline counseling financial aid is available you guys should start living a
00:15:28
happier life if you need someone to talk to this is the way to go go to better help calm bad friends that's right that's better
00:15:34
hele doctor 700,000 people taking charge of
00:15:39
their mental health yep at the top of the help of top experienced professionals again we're being serious
00:15:45
no joking around yeah please talk to someone if you really need it and the special offer for our bad friends listeners get 10% off your very first
00:15:52
month at better help calm slash sad friends yep so Jules when she was on last bad friends people started hitting
00:15:58
trying to become her friend on Instagram oh really yeah and her shoots on private I don't think she wants to if you're
00:16:04
listening right now I don't think she wants to like befriend people but we created another Instagram page for her
00:16:10
Oh what is it with it what is it it's got bad friend Rudy so you can go on
00:16:16
Instagram got a bad friend Rudy and that's when then you have control over that page you know she does but we're gonna use that and OD peas fellas ODB no
00:16:25
that's disgusting disgusting no D peas but girls send your boobs we're good
00:16:30
boobs - Jen boobs - her account that's fine speaking of that so I sent you that
00:16:35
don't I don't want to mention it because I don't want to get yanked off of Instagram but I sent you that handle on
00:16:41
Instagram right yeah so did you watch those video I watched every single one of them three times over right and I
00:16:46
sent it everybody I mean we can't you don't want to mention it so because it's gonna obviously that if people find out
00:16:52
about that handle that they they're gonna yank and I imagine that you
00:16:58
whoever makes up that account for people that don't know what we're being so vague there's an account online that shows the most [ __ ] up as an
00:17:05
understatement it's just it's insane yeah it's crazy [ __ ] so but it's not private it's not private
00:17:11
and what am I saying first you can't why not because I don't I love it so much I don't want to get yanked but they're but
00:17:17
these these constantly get yanked and they reload then they content get yanked gonna find it the next time well let me
00:17:22
see how long he's been up right now he's been out for a while isn't insane you automatically know it's a guy yeah
00:17:28
there's no way a girl one of the videos is or one of the little lives is you know it has a little [ __ ] boy having
00:17:35
sex with a car he's just he's [ __ ] the front of a car yeah so his his dick is going inside the fender no no it's inside the emblem the car out
00:17:41
there right it's insane yeah it's between the
00:17:47
T in the O and then um there's another
00:17:53
guy [ __ ] a pony Oh donkey a donkey a donkey the difference you know ya know I
00:17:59
know it's all the same yeah okay I'm looking I'm looking right now right we can't around for a while but if we say
00:18:05
if we say what it is yeah we can alright but he but I sent that mmm now you know
00:18:11
who your real allies are in comedy mm-hmm because I sent it to probably 12
00:18:17
comics sure some of them and I'm not kidding you they're texted back were
00:18:24
like almost like we're done like not cool like hey man we're not friends anymore why I don't know what it is it's
00:18:31
like for me can you tell me who said they didn't like it well here I can tell by them not responding yeah yeah right
00:18:37
yeah so David Spade well that makes sense yeah yeah Spade now responding
00:18:42
makes sense yeah yeah he wouldn't like something like that yeah but my head I thought he would a video of a handicapped boy [ __ ] a car yeah and a
00:18:51
lot of more like fit like fistfight like brutal fistfight fist fights fist [ __ ] this [ __ ] you know there's
00:18:57
one video that made me laugh so [ __ ] hard it was a big muscly dude yeah and he's taped a dildo to his computer he's
00:19:04
blowing it yeah and his mom walks in and she just goes and walks out he's deep
00:19:10
throating like like a 14-inch dildo yeah it's that one made me laugh oh yeah call
00:19:16
it called no texted me yesterday cuz I don't like just do he doesn't like stuff like that and I'm like what does a guy
00:19:22
[ __ ] a horse mm-hmm I go it's comedy but he's a comment it's a bit yeah
00:19:28
people have a son threshold some people don't like stuff like that why uh it's because they they didn't
00:19:35
grow up joking around with stuff like that so they don't like it now do you not I mean like you had to like weirdo
00:19:40
[ __ ] when you were a kid to like weird oh [ __ ] as an adult comedic li yeah I mean I've peed on people mm-hmm in my
00:19:48
life yeah I've uh I've pooed on people not me that's right to each his own your
00:19:55
poo just on a human yeah Bhutan night in a sexual matter Oh No
00:20:01
just like in a know what in a revenge yeah like one time I think I pooed on Ari Shaffir 's foot that's fine but then
00:20:08
he [ __ ] all over my car that's cool yeah so it's like like I've always been into those kind of games [ __ ] for sure to
00:20:14
protect it for tad I get that yeah I've peed on things but my point is I've come down things what's the weirdest thing
00:20:20
you've come down like an object well recently because I have undoing this no
00:20:29
closer if she lives with me closure or not she's fine just close your close your eyes at least close your eyes so you can't see here
00:20:35
and oh so I so I don't um I can't believe I'm saying this I can't so you
00:20:43
know I've been doing this no pornography thing yeah so I haven't watched any porn are so you say oh I haven't and how long
00:20:50
no Helen is it really honestly two months has it been going on that long oh yeah really if I mean no breaks
00:20:56
here's that here's how crazy it is it's getting to the point where when I was in the Middle East with Sebastian
00:21:02
Maniscalco and Eric Griffin you can't get porn on you know I mean on the
00:21:08
internet there they don't have porn they lock all of it no Middle Eastern porn no you if you're in the Middle East like
00:21:14
you're in Saudi Arabia said I Arabia said I Arabia you have to jerk off to
00:21:19
the thought of porn yes that's wild but even then it would have been long enough right so I couldn't do it with my mind
00:21:26
but it's been so long now I can do with my mind you can jerk off with your mind yes
00:21:32
that's insane yeah you can get fully hard without looking at anything and I can do with my mind I'm resetting my
00:21:38
brain all right but so sometimes I'm in the bathtub mm-hmm it'll come right I
00:21:45
just I feel I feel like you're not open right now and I feel like I'm doing so look at me no I'm an open book right now
00:21:53
doesn't feel open it feels put all your words inside of me I'm a book with no words all right I'm open pages yeah and
00:22:00
so I'll come and then the sides of the bathtub yeah I'll just wipe the comma on there hmm
00:22:07
Jules you ever take a bath in there I think not anymore never again she has her own bathtub why don't you why don't
00:22:14
you put it somewhere else I don't know why on the sides you have to clean that do not clean that do you clean it right in when you get out you leave it I let
00:22:20
it dry a bit yeah well you let it dry do you jerk off
00:22:27
underwater yeah you like it underwater Aquaman's dad little bubbles that I see
00:22:39
I can't water and I don't get along why I don't jerk off in the water I can't [ __ ] in the water I don't like it oh it
00:22:45
feels good if you ever stand this is the best feeling mm-hmm okay so here's another story that she
00:22:50
doesn't know nobody knows when I was in the Philippines we stated this hotel
00:22:56
called the Crimson and so kalila and her family of like we gonna go to uh you
00:23:04
know go hiking in the mountains you guys
00:23:09
go right so they would go and in the back of this hotel room is this pool in
00:23:16
the back like it's a really nice hotel sure and we have our own individual pools swimming pools they're the size of
00:23:23
this table right and they don't go deep so you just stand there and then the water goes up to your like sides like
00:23:30
this right and I would put an iPad there and I would just go just feverishly
00:23:36
masturbate in the water right Oh God and that was your favorite thing to do it's
00:23:41
because for some reason when you're doing this in the water you know I mean yes splashing around yeah it's creating this like you know I
00:23:47
mean little mass but right away for a fraction or whatever right right water friction well you could you come
00:23:53
underwater do you put in the water oh yeah see it's so you let it swim it came
00:23:59
from water and inside my body yeah it did yeah yeah that makes sense yeah it's like it's a from a desert so you would
00:24:05
feverishly jerk off inside of there how many times I don't know what how when you guys went hiking and all that stuff
00:24:11
I there was a lot of time that didn't go right so next time I'm like that remember I'm in a swimming pool jerking
00:24:16
off your can cuff so don't swim in that swimming pool do you know this about him all this stuff [Music]
00:24:21
[Laughter] are you are you are you embarrassed
00:24:28
about your Tito or no no you're okay with it okay that's not that's fine
00:24:34
that's fine look everyone has their kink everyone's gay that's your little kinky like water jerk are you like turn up in
00:24:40
the water when no one's around during quarantine I just I'm not gonna I'm gonna let it go yeah you gotta let your
00:24:46
mind go what have you been doing um well speaking of sexual kink genuine this has
00:24:52
been on my mind for a while I watched louis c.k special I haven't seen it yet you didn't watch it no okay
00:24:58
good yeah it's wonderful but it's it's [ __ ] wonderful whoa all right it's
00:25:03
wonderful is it money it's very very funny dude how do i watch it I'm gonna watch it tonight you go to Louie CK's um
00:25:09
go to his website you can buy it from his website really yeah it's like $7.99 or something oh cool it's um I wash it
00:25:15
with a buddy of mine we FaceTime didn't watch it together I was interested to see how he felt about it and how I like it was you know as one of those like see
00:25:21
what he said what he does um dude it was it was it was it was awesome it was
00:25:27
[ __ ] awesome it was heartfelt it was hard it was tough it was funny he brooches the subject of the sexual stuff
00:25:33
a little bit at the end could have been more I think it would have been funnier if it was a little bit more or a little
00:25:38
bit more real but when he opens though he doesn't mention it at all when he opens yeah the first thing out of his
00:25:44
mouth I mean I don't - [ __ ] it I don't wanna [ __ ] - give me the opening thing the opening line is did anybody
00:25:49
else have a really [ __ ] up last two years or whatever you know something like that like like how was your last two years you know like anybody's have
00:25:55
the worst last few years in their life yeah yeah yeah and so right off the bat you laugh because you're like yeah this guy's [ __ ] was [ __ ] up then he tells
00:26:01
you kind of the tribulations of what's going on in the past couple of years and the very end of the special he talks
00:26:06
about the incidents he has his version his spin of it I'm interested to see what you think about it it was very
00:26:12
[ __ ] on the honest truth is is that um he was one of those guys that I always watched worked out I was there
00:26:21
when he'll show kiss for Mitzi no way yeah so he had already done his first HBO special right and I go [ __ ] Louise
00:26:29
the keys here that special was very good very funny yeah 30 with the half-hour yeah really good and I
00:26:35
next to Mitzi and he goes up there and admitted in she yells out I'm not
00:26:42
kidding you Lynam he doesn't have it shut up and I
00:26:47
turned to Mitzi I go Mitzi he has an HBO special he doesn't have it I'm falling
00:26:54
asleep holy [ __ ] right and he kind of walks off and then he I didn't see him
00:27:00
for many many years and he never came back no he was kind of like the Seinfeld - Seinfeld you know that story right
00:27:06
haven't I told you that story no I have another one - go ahead about Seinfeld though you know what happens Lopez - but go ahead
00:27:11
Seinfeld didn't admits he didn't like him for some reason said he was not not
00:27:18
not funny but something that she didn't like yeah maybe he was too clean or something I don't remember Seinfeld told
00:27:23
this story himself is from his mouth he came back to the store probably five 65 years ago four years ago and he hadn't
00:27:30
been in for every told this story he said he said the reason I hadn't been in so long as Mintz he told me that
00:27:36
basically I wasn't good enough or wasn't funny enough for this place and I just toured and did other comedy elsewhere
00:27:42
and then he got the show okay Seinfeld became a massive hit one of the biggest
00:27:48
arguably the biggest company in the history of television yeah and they used to have a house on
00:27:54
Kings Road or the Queen wrote Queens Road House what word that's where Mitzi lives right yeah and Jerry bought a
00:28:01
house above their house literally just above the house right up on the hill
00:28:06
above the house yeah and he said every day he would drive in one of his Porsches down to CBS Radford yeah and he
00:28:11
would slow down on purpose to see if any of the shores were outside yeah to say hello to let him know to let them know
00:28:17
I'm just just coming from above right
00:28:22
above yeah going back down yeah just to like cuz Jerry has never went into Mitzi's house huh no I you know I used to happen was when
00:28:30
Mitzi was sick at the end of at the end of the first run of the first time she
00:28:36
got sick yeah Shawn Halpin who was a comedian I know Sean used to live in my apartment with us he used to live with
00:28:42
us you were roommates it was temporary no not really because we had two roommates and he was just kind of living
00:28:47
with us for a short period of time until he was gonna get a new place and Shawn invited me a few times ago he's
00:28:53
like you want to go over there he used to help her like a bunch of other comics help her with a lot of stuff that I don't want to mention there's nobody's
00:28:59
[ __ ] business yeah but I broke I couldn't do it it's just something about it gave me the I couldn't go over to her
00:29:05
home and be well she's really sick and I never saw her like that it's imagine it's like it's an I love
00:29:12
Mitzi but it's imagine I've cuz I've been to her house maybe ten times in my life okay and it's almost as if you know
00:29:19
how like because we were we opened up with like castles and bards this podcast
00:29:25
yeah yes imagine in a world where there was a kingdom or you know and there was a king but they always have a sage right
00:29:35
or a wizard right right imagine just be living amongst the peasants right sure
00:29:42
and then some guy in a cloak comes up to you and goes the wizard like would like to see you right and then you went to the Wizards
00:29:48
Tower he'll love it right and you don't know what the [ __ ] cuz you don't know anything about wizardry you're scared of it you're
00:29:54
scared of magic you're just a peasant yeah you're making rice and wheat or whatever right that's what you do right and then the wizard tells you some sort
00:30:01
of you know I mean spell or new concoction or he does some sort of trick right and then you you're scared you
00:30:07
think you're gonna die right or you know me you don't know why he wants you there right right that's what it was like
00:30:14
that's what it felt like because when you walk in her the walls of her house were black like the Comedy Store yeah
00:30:22
you thought that you know I mean maybe there's some sort of like reasons comedy-wise why the club is all in black
00:30:30
right right you do you ever think that because you could have any comedy club it's using brick and there's colors well
00:30:37
that's there's some sort of texture to every right yeah this is the copper is completely blocked yeah it's pitch black the ceiling the
00:30:43
ceiling is painted black right oh and also like maybe red Rumi on love thread
00:30:48
right so it's almost as if like it's like darth maul's costume yeah it's like
00:30:56
Darth Maul's costume The Comedy Store but her house but then she had room where people would go in there and
00:31:03
massage her that was completely pink all-pink yeah so imagine going through a blackish house and then there's this
00:31:10
room that's brightly pink and she's in there so it's it was a one time I was at
00:31:16
Thanksgiving with my you gotta have
00:31:24
Thanksgiving with the family right and I go no Papa cuz I'm with my brother Steve and we're gonna do what we're gonna
00:31:29
we're gonna go somewhere else I think we're gonna go to the stinking rose we're gonna go to the stinking rose so we already have a put now dude nah bro
00:31:37
you gotta come out over right and they had already ate like dinner was over but
00:31:42
I mean they start eating at 2:00 and now it's four but you know how you go with white people's Thanksgiving and the food
00:31:49
still out yeah well it's cold well no we leave it out it's just you don't leave it out
00:31:54
it's four seconds don't leave it up they just keep eating so my brother and I go over to the house and we have our plates
00:32:01
and we're putting this cold turkey yeah and yeah I mean and cranberry and it's
00:32:06
you seeing at this table wooden table right around circular table and the only two seats that are open right are next
00:32:13
to her right and so I'm like I can't I have to sit there right so I'm sitting
00:32:19
there I go how's it going with seasick good Happy Thanksgiving right so I'm just talking to my brother
00:32:26
I swear to god this happens and I hear this I'm eating out here this this noise
00:32:36
right yeah would you ever hear a noise like that you you wonder yeah what is it
00:32:42
yeah yo and I turn over and look at Mitzi her foot no her tables and she's
00:32:59
doing this on the [ __ ] table right now yeah try to enjoy a cool treat gonna
00:33:10
be cold gravy and Marissa just say you can't see [ __ ] do you try it you
00:33:16
just put your foot up and try it guys my nails aren't long enough her nails were like you know how old people they just
00:33:22
[ __ ] grow it and they can throw curls around yes she was doing that with it and I looked over and I and I and I I
00:33:29
look at mitsuno and I looked back at my brother and then all of a sudden like there was a countdown in my head of how
00:33:36
long when did when to get out yeah when to get out yeah so that was how long did you stay I think for
00:33:43
another 15 minutes and you were like we gotta go we have to go we had reservation somewhere or whatever but um
00:33:48
yeah that was like but that's kind of like going into the you're going into the Queen's palace right but like many
00:33:56
things you don't know that you don't really want to be there sometimes that's like all those things that's like when you get to meet someone or go to a cool
00:34:02
house party you think it's gonna be cool yeah it's always the opposite of what you want yeah I always thought the one
00:34:09
the one time it turned out to be what I thought it was gonna be to be very honest and how many years ago god I
00:34:15
don't know seven maybe six seven I went Miley Cyrus somehow through unexplained
00:34:22
events we went to her house for her Halloween party and in my mind I was like this is gonna let me down for sure
00:34:29
without a doubt you ever have an idea of this and it's gonna be they're gonna know that I'm a nobody and kick me out
00:34:34
it's just before you go it a comic always has that thought you have to we
00:34:40
don't feel like we belong we feel like it's almost a fraud I know it you're
00:34:45
your fraud and they're gonna tell you like you in your mind you know somebody's gonna go why is he here yeah I feel and the whole party's gonna go
00:34:51
whoa are your hair like it yeah I remember just real quick Danny and I were at a CAA Christmas party and his
00:34:59
first opening line Daliya chris d'elia successful yeah very note he goes hey do
00:35:05
I look like a belong here no yeah was this recently a couple years ago maybe a
00:35:11
year ago Wow and I'm like yeah you're fine do I look like I belong here is it
00:35:16
yeah but it's like that's and that's when I knew that we all have we all feel that way yeah we all feel that way yeah
00:35:22
so go ahead I'm Cyrus Miley Cyrus's having a Halloween party yeah we get in I did through a friend of a friend because of whatever nobody's business
00:35:29
but I show up and I'm not kidding when I say the backyard of that girl's house
00:35:36
was exactly what I thought it was going to be in my fantasy head insanely fun
00:35:43
people were naked people were having like there was like a food fight yeah it was it was like a with a wrecking ball
00:35:50
it felt like a movie she came in on but it felt like a [ __ ] movie
00:35:55
you know she had all these little area set up so you could hide out and get high and party with people and drink and
00:36:01
do drew it was just such like a Fantasy Island place like Epstein's Island it was similar to that kind of fun it was
00:36:10
so free and fun that I just it was exactly what I wanted it to me but
00:36:17
thought it would never be that was the only time I've ever gone to a celebrities thing and gone holy [ __ ] this is a party all night long till 4:00
00:36:23
or 5:00 in the morning [Music] Beachbody on demand dude it's incredible
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00:36:53
[ __ ] on Instagram yes the dude lost like I couldn't even recognize him he lost like 40 [ __ ]
00:36:59
pounds looks incredible incredible he does this thing called shift shop shift shop is one of the workouts that you can do that he recommends it is wild to see
00:37:06
this stuff work the company behind p90x insanity and 21 day fix yeah yeah it's
00:37:12
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00:37:18
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the support it's gonna be all included all you have to do Bob yeah is text bad friends to 30 30 30 we're gonna have
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00:38:26
the worst is TCA or any of those like TV show like when you're on a TV show come
00:38:33
on when I just did what I just did a TC yeah yeah you you have to go to those events painful it's the worst painful
00:38:39
painful human experience and they ask you questions that they know that you have no answer to yeah Kevin Hart is an
00:38:45
executive producer on that show that I do yeah yeah okay uh-huh of course they go hey you know you know and I know
00:38:52
Kevin Hart's an executive Brewster as much as you're a [ __ ] Olympic athlete do you know what I mean yeah he's an
00:38:59
executive bruiser he's a great guy yeah his company is a part of it right yeah I
00:39:04
mean what I'm splitting up together yeah Ellen DeGeneres is my executive producer rap shoes around all the time
00:39:09
never met her no she didn't hang out all day and the night went to the showrunner mm-hmm
00:39:15
one day and I go yeah what's I don't like she goes I don't know her yeah whatever no what do you know she and
00:39:20
she's the producer and it's fine look at this company they need the weight of these companies to get things through or but this one reporter I had had enough I
00:39:27
had gone through all the rooms and one reporter goes so yeah Kevin Hart and I
00:39:33
go yeah Kevin Hart and and and she goes I mean how incredible to work with Kevin
00:39:40
Hart yeah oh girl let me tell you something Kevin Hart is in the green room that I'm in right now we're all
00:39:45
sharing the same green room yes but a 50-person room yeah food drinks everything executives you know yeah I go
00:39:51
I've never met Kevin Hart I'm in the room with him still won't meet him I'll go the whole
00:39:56
day eight hours of this we're never gonna meet I know and she was like what what it was like that's not how this
00:40:02
works for some reason people think that it's like well your buddy you know that it's like I don't yeah I don't know
00:40:08
Kevin pie okay I don't know Kevin Hart Kevin Hart is such a big thing yeah
00:40:15
if I said I'm on the show that you produce he'd go which show yeah I'd go
00:40:20
Dave on FX and then he'd go what is that I produce that show for me though if I
00:40:28
was the head of a production company it had six or set ten things that are on the air he probably has 50 thing
00:40:34
whatever yeah I would still [ __ ] no no no you wouldn't I wouldn't know because you'd have so much going on he
00:40:40
has so much going on yeah how could you balance that right it's hard for you to
00:40:45
come here sometimes yeah that's true it's just that I get it yeah the way
00:40:51
Ellen Ellen got in some deep [ __ ] why because she made a great joke people got
00:40:57
mad at her she put you know everyone's mad at celebrities from being like I'm in quarantine and it's really hard and there and everyone at home is like yeah
00:41:02
right your house is worth 30 million dollars and what's hard about having nine wings in a bowling alley like JLo
00:41:08
had her son on a [ __ ] what are those things for the hoverboards and she was serving he was serving her and a rod
00:41:14
drinks and he was spinning around and they were like dancing you know I mean it's like celebratory [ __ ] we're
00:41:19
having a tough time here and more billionaires anyway Ellen people got mad at Ellen because she said being in quarantine
00:41:27
I don't wanna misquote it being in quarantine is just like being in prison because you wear the same clothes every
00:41:34
day and everybody's gay something like that mmm just a funny she's just joking around just joke I don't everyone and
00:41:40
everybody was like you think it's like being in prison how about the prisoners that are actually in prison that just oh
00:41:45
she's making a joke dude she's throwing it's a nonsense nons it doesn't mean anything yeah and
00:41:52
the everything everybody's gay part funny it's funny yeah she was just making a joke but people ate her
00:41:59
if they were like how disrespectful of those that are living in actual terrible conditions that it's like okay dude what
00:42:06
do you here's here's my problem do you want comics to still make jokes during this time or do you want us to
00:42:11
say nothing at all it's hard it's like a bow it's like what do you want what do you want what do you want her to do
00:42:16
she's making a [ __ ] joke what is she supposed to say I mean there's a way to
00:42:22
do it though like Julia louis-dreyfus yeah just put out something what'd she say it was a kind of like a coronavirus
00:42:29
PCA about staying indoors and this and that but she was do she was basically looking in the camera goes normally I
00:42:35
have you know a crew of people do my makeup but you know during quarantine I do my own and she's doing a PCA and
00:42:41
she's doing her own makeup it's terrible I'm perfect purpose it's funny it's really funny and cute and then she ends
00:42:47
the video it's a cute video right and you don't see her house right that's people's problem yeah you don't see you
00:42:54
you when you that's what I always whenever I see celebrity right I online
00:42:59
I always look at the background first yeah to see where they're at yeah I need to like even Sebastian I
00:43:05
know he lives in a gigantic house but when he takes videos I see that if you
00:43:11
don't really see a lot of the house yeah you would to make it seem like you know it's normal like everyone else's house
00:43:16
you know I think you should have to be mindful about stuff like that I agree I'm just saying you think people
00:43:23
don't know Ellen I was a big house no I
00:43:32
mean some things are unavoidable she's a she's one of the richest performers in the world well let me throw out an idea
00:43:38
this is probably not popular making a [ __ ] joke okay I mean let me throw this pop it's G L it should be mindful
00:43:47
about how people are struggling I guess but let me defend they should be
00:43:53
donating money's what they all should be [ __ ] you and Ellen should be yeah like I mean I do get I get venmo requests all the time you know man yeah
00:43:59
some of them ask for total $2000 I'm like I don't know you I'm not gonna send you that but 25 anyway don't do it now
00:44:06
but because people are gonna say yeah I know but people have and I have given
00:44:13
but you know we're all in quarantine and
00:44:18
we're all you know it's it's one of those things like what I said last week it's like you take you yourself with you
00:44:24
everywhere you take you with you yeah and and I keep telling you know I've
00:44:29
told him my brother for years that you mean yes I'm I don't live in a one-bedroom apartment in Silver Lake anymore I have
00:44:36
a little money saved up because my brother keeps going sometimes it goes well you got money you should be
00:44:42
happy right and those things don't necessarily fix you or you know but you are happy
00:44:49
yeah but I'm as happy as I was when I was living in Silver Lake of course yeah
00:44:54
what I'm saying is is that that didn't change any it didn't really change anything right but don't you feel better
00:45:01
now that you have ten bed ten bedroom said I don't have ten bedrooms are you been back why not live in a
00:45:06
three-bedroom Oh like he's gonna [ __ ] he lives in my [ __ ] house listen you
00:45:11
live in a 10-10 jizz bath house ten days
00:45:16
I know you live in a nice place but you worked hard for it but ya know sure
00:45:21
you're not yeah but it's not gonna make you happy but you're trying to be conscious of how you're received people
00:45:27
know that you have a nice place yeah but I don't really talk about it all right I don't really um that's it's it's you
00:45:33
know at four a comedian at my age at my level it's probably the smallest place of people that are comparative to you
00:45:40
yes yeah oh my god so um people also I lived you saw the apartment I lived in right for yeah
00:45:47
multiple 15 15 years small as this is a very small place he's very humble yeah
00:45:53
humble small place so I've never been one to gloat about my situation you know
00:45:59
but am i doing better than some yes sure yeah you feel a responsibility do you
00:46:04
feel a responsibility to give money that's that noise oh that's my phone who's it nobody I love when you do that
00:46:12
well private well no no you can you can see here you can see see what was yeah
00:46:18
yeah wow I no you tell Marty Andrew yeah afraid you
00:46:29
made a joke about my sexuality yeah let me ask you something mm-hmm do you have
00:46:34
big stars on your phone you've asked me this before yeah there's somebody in my phone that I should yeah there's people in my phone there's people on my phone
00:46:40
that I did that aren't I wish you would call someone in your phone I wish you would call the biggest person near from
00:46:46
call you have Alan's number no we should called Neal Brennan he's friends with Alan he'll call Alan for us and ask her to apologize live on the air for what
00:46:53
she said and what she did mm-hmm should we do that mmm what do you think Jules like seeing these rumors are true
00:46:59
about Ellen about how she's straight no it's I'm gonna talk about Ellen real
00:47:06
quick so Ellen DeGeneres you know you ever um play the Gala's improv Addison
00:47:12
Addison not yet I'm about to you're about to and you've never played Addison no oh my god dude I've only played
00:47:19
Austin I've only played capcity Wow so you have you done Houston improv nope all right so they're back to back
00:47:24
on the books for me and well they are yeah hopefully there are clubs I've been playing for 25 years Jesus yeah in fact the Addison improv
00:47:32
has been there for so long there's actually a drawer of line ups they had in the 80s Wow
00:47:37
one of the one of the line ups I had was Diane forth I saw it was headline you'd probably don't know Diane Ford yeah I
00:47:44
know who the name is yeah Diane Ford's headlining the feature this is in 1990 why was Jeff Garlin the emcee Judd
00:47:52
Apatow Wow I love looking at old you know I mean I love [ __ ] like so you're
00:47:58
gonna meet a guy named Jeff Lala mm-hm and he runs all the improv zin in Texas
00:48:04
and he's this old crotchety deep voice he smokes a thousand cigarettes a day
00:48:09
lovely right but back in the 80s he told me that um I used to I used to pick
00:48:17
Ellen at the airport we used to drive to Club the club I used to stay with these shitty hotels and she used to do the
00:48:23
roads one-nighters you know so Ellen is a old school comedy workhorse
00:48:30
she's been around for a lot she yes yeah and she had put in some road time
00:48:35
yes right but now I hear about how like some people she has a rule some people
00:48:42
can't lock eyes with her yeah or like Steve Harvey I heard about that too
00:48:48
about on his show you know I mean they had a memo don't lock eyes with Steve Harvey you know mean well that was no
00:48:54
controversy on how do you want people coming into his office asking questions I know but where do you where how come
00:49:00
some people are like that and then some people like you know I've met James core
00:49:06
you know all these other younger guys they're not like that well how do you become like that people feed it why you
00:49:14
smirking when I'm talking like this well because its controversial no no I know it's you're not in trouble no why you didn't say anything no I'm
00:49:21
what I'm smiling about is the idea that I don't know if that is true I've heard rumors yeah you hear things
00:49:26
that you hear things from people that have said that Ellen has very particular set of rules when you work with her yeah
00:49:32
okay I can't comment cuz I don't know yeah either I should've thought it up but based on based on what I know yeah
00:49:39
that sounds like a really [ __ ] up thing to do to people why do people get away with it in Hollywood because they let them and it's all and it's all good
00:49:46
the people people because an assistant will put up with it mm-hm and it and it
00:49:52
perpetuates the nonsense yeah that's why Hollywood people get to act like brats yeah I worked on a show I've
00:49:57
worked on many things with unbelievable brats people that do crazy [ __ ] have people fired yell at people there's
00:50:06
someone I worked with was yelling at the [ __ ] EPs in the parking lot in front of everyone going I'm the [ __ ] so I'm
00:50:12
the [ __ ] yeah didn't lose her job right nothing happened I love watching fights
00:50:18
on oh it's it's [ __ ] awesome it's [ __ ] awesome because you get this like because I get into this thing where
00:50:25
my body goes like this vibrates vibrates I'm in shock yeah you know how to react
00:50:31
yeah so when like people are screaming each other on a set mmm my body's good and I focus in on it oh yeah and I go
00:50:38
what's over yeah like I love like this
00:50:45
is it wasn't a big deal but like on splitting up together there was a I could hear some of the producers raise
00:50:51
their voice at Jenna Fischer about something which I don't want to get into right but you showed a little bit of
00:50:56
raising the voice say y'all that are worse a little bit what did I say what did she do did she say when this is over
00:51:01
I'm starting a podcast and they were like no no no I don't know what it was I I do but I don't say okay it's fine
00:51:08
I want to say but what was it you [ __ ] but they're more vibrant you have I
00:51:14
writing yeah and they did she yell back no she's a sweet girl she's very balanced she is a sweet lady
00:51:22
I like I like her alone you know what it's I think what to answer what you're saying people are like that before they
00:51:28
got famous it just exacerbated it so yeah whatever those things are they come
00:51:33
out much much worse because you know people that have had shoot up rocket careers and some of them are the same
00:51:39
and some of them are though I you know the season finale was last night for modern or the series finale for Modern
00:51:44
Family yeah and though everyone but at O'Neill Sofia Vergara okay but everyone
00:51:52
besides Otto Neil wasn't a famous actor on that show I know not a one of them I know okay yeah
00:51:58
they Rocketeer to the sky yeah okay yeah I would be interested to know which of
00:52:03
them have dynamically changed the most well yesterday I texted Stonestreet yeah
00:52:10
cuz your friends were there yeah because I sent him the I know he he liked it no
00:52:16
he I'll tell you what he texted back and no Stonestreet says she basically you're
00:52:23
disgusting what did I say to you you said um Santino you said God so
00:52:32
gross and funny what time tomorrow [Laughter] yeah well I just was like this is
00:52:38
awesome I love I was thumbing through it yeah I would have to say cuz I only know Stonestreet yet he so he went from
00:52:44
because just a regular actor to the roof yeah I I met Stonestreet when I
00:52:50
was a commercial actor I know yeah we played a commercial yeah yeah and then so and then one day he goes I got this
00:52:57
show right yeah and can I tell you what it kind of what kind of a guy Stonestreet is yeah I'm gonna get him
00:53:05
I'm gonna get emotional please don't so stone streets on his
00:53:10
third year on Modern Family hmm and they're shooting I forget what a lot is that we're either it's not
00:53:16
Radford it was um paramount yeah weren't they no no weren't they yet are they on Fox they were on Fox oh yeah was that
00:53:22
the Fox lot it was Fox yeah it was Fox yeah and I am sony Sony it was that Sony
00:53:29
Cobra Sony yes so Sony Warner Warner Brothers and I don't know what the [ __ ] it is but but I remember having an
00:53:37
audition for some sort of series right right and I was like at that moment in
00:53:44
my career I didn't have Tiger Bell or anything and I didn't have kalila and I was so desperate to get a job
00:53:52
yeah right and I remember walking you know you when you audition for a show like that you have to go through the
00:53:58
gate and then you have to make that three mile walk to whatever [ __ ] building you have a pass and they're
00:54:04
like you know where to park and you're like yeah we're and they're like nine miles that way and you got to walk over there and it's like walking through
00:54:10
first class when you're a coach because you have to walk through people that are already on a show and they're staring at
00:54:15
you well yeah they're so Modern Family was shooting a scene mm-hmm and I was walking past it like really fast cuz I
00:54:21
knew I didn't want Eric to see me but he [ __ ] saw me so Stonestreet goes hold up a second and he follows me to the
00:54:29
audition now right yeah so I'm sitting there in the audition in this little
00:54:35
Lobby room right he opens the door and he tells everyone he looks at me and he
00:54:43
goes Bobby what the [ __ ] dude he goes it doesn't have to be perfect I go what do
00:54:52
you mean your audition just get the gist it's okay to make a mistake and that's
00:54:58
nice right it doesn't have to be perfect that's a very nice he walked out cuz he wanted me to I
00:55:03
didn't get it but I get it yeah but I remember having an OK audition because
00:55:09
he you're right because when I sit there for me I go if I don't have this downward for
00:55:15
work oh you were being your panic attack yeah I was yeah I was having one of those times in my career where I was so
00:55:21
desperate that I had to kill it mm-hmm he took a lot of that pressure away by
00:55:26
saying that by just being a friend yeah and so here's a guy that's he had already won I think his first at me at
00:55:32
the point at that time I mean season 3 they were [ __ ] rolling rolling yeah so he was killing it so you know he he I
00:55:39
don't see that he changed at all he's a grade-a dude I love him he's a great guy
00:55:45
that's good to hear I love them that's good to hear that someday look we've all there's people that I know that have gotten skyrocket
00:55:51
Fame and haven't changed like just not even a little bit not even they haven't even changed kind of how they live which
00:55:58
is even more unusual there's some people I know that they made a ton of money they did a lot of stuff and they're kind
00:56:03
of this exact same person yeah and I think I think the top of that list for me and I don't even know him I think
00:56:09
Galifianakis is oh god he's the best he drives a Subaru still has same
00:56:16
Outback like he doesn't he that was a kind of guy where you're like oh he's the where Jerry Seinfeld has 90 Porsches
00:56:21
yeah and and someone like Zach has one Subaru it speaks volumes over like yeah
00:56:27
I don't really need stuff a couple years ago I was in a movie called anyway it's fine to own 94 sick I would like I'm
00:56:32
keep up keeping up with the Joneses I was in that movie yeah you did that yeah I was in that movie I auditioned for that did you didn't get it yeah I'm in
00:56:39
it and a couple rewrites on it actually I mean it was mad scenes but any movie
00:56:44
was bad shut the [ __ ] up movie was bad watch the movie movie was bad I have a really funny scene movie anyway so I'm
00:56:51
in Georgia yeah Atlanta and as soon I
00:56:57
know what Georgia Atlanta you think I'm thinking about the country Georgia I
00:57:02
know where you are Jules don't laugh Jules laugh I love it yeah go and I remember so the director
00:57:10
wanted to see my outfit thousand wardrobe and that the director was get you have
00:57:17
to get in the van we get it you got a drive to set right now for can I do right so I'm in this van right and I'm
00:57:22
driving to set and so I show up at set and the director comes up behind video village and god yeah yeah okay good
00:57:29
right but then Zack sees me and he goes oh my god he gives me a hug right and
00:57:36
then the next day I'm shooting and you know how like um the stars get a certain
00:57:43
tent yeah there's like a white tent it was really hot and they had these air conditioning things they had me by the
00:57:50
stable right the horse stable yeah right yeah and it was like I didn't even get
00:57:55
like a chair it was just like I'm on a curb and just smoking like right saying chain smoking smoking right and I
00:58:03
remember Zack goes um dude come on white tent so I walk in the white tent and jon
00:58:10
Hamm's era yeah and I sit there with they have a seat for me and I just hang out with Jon Hamm and said cuz if wasn't
00:58:17
for Zack obviously I wouldn't be there right but he made me feel so comfortable yeah I have a photo on Instagram we took
00:58:23
a selfie or whatever of you and you threw us three right and um and I just thought to myself oh you not haven't
00:58:31
changed that yeah it was good dude yeah that makes me like him [ __ ] so much more what a good dude when I watched his
00:58:37
live at the purple onion was one of the greatest special that one to this day it like no good still let me tell you one
00:58:42
quick story about a guy that that I want to say that passed away last year last year this year the years get mixed up oh no no no
00:58:49
there's an actor named Robert Forester do you know who that is of course I know Robert Forbes ok Forester was on I'm
00:58:55
dying up here he played the father of one of the characters that passed away
00:59:01
are you sure he was on it yeah mr. Forester rest in peace who's now passed
00:59:08
away the one of the most telling things I think I've ever seen in my entire life
00:59:14
he was wrapped he was done and and as he was left he went up to every single
00:59:21
person I'm not kidding and he handed them a letter opener that was like a custom letter opener
00:59:28
from him to something simple but as a heavy heavy nice letter opener and he's
00:59:33
like just a piece of my gratitude and he handed it to every single person do they
00:59:39
were a shitload of people that worked on that [ __ ] show right and he handed one to everybody and said thank you and that was the last time I ever saw him
00:59:45
then he passed away I still have the letter opener in my drawer today but I was I suppose a guy who's been in the
00:59:51
business for probably I don't know 40 50 who [ __ ] knows and he still gave a goodbye gift that's that's that's
00:59:58
meaningful as [ __ ] have you ever given a goodbye gift what the [ __ ] am I gonna do with the letter opener open [ __ ]
01:00:05
letters never got a letter in my life you don't get letters I get letters all the time you know what I was going a [ __ ] you Forrester oh yeah I mean Bob is
01:00:14
a dull knife what is this it's a dull knife I'd be grateful it was very easy
01:00:21
in grade or no mm-hmm it says [ __ ] the Koreans it was sweet
01:00:28
though have you ever given a gift goodbye no no but I have given enormous
01:00:33
gifts I was so does this oh [ __ ] it this is so cheesy this is so gross what did you
01:00:39
give so the first year I was on MADtv nobody liked me no [ __ ] no I I could
01:00:46
because they would tell me producers would tell me like just don't go into that office they don't like you I would
01:00:53
it was not liked right yeah I had this weird kind of I was so scared and
01:00:59
frightened right that it came out in the weirdest way is yeah yeah I know I see
01:01:05
you do it you do yeah you do it all the time [ __ ] you when you get scared or [ __ ] up you
01:01:11
do weird [ __ ] so yeah I'm we are really strange like I couldn't like talk to people and I would
01:01:17
try to make jokes and nobody like you know it was just desperate right desperate to get on because they
01:01:22
wouldn't put me in sketch it I was desperate so I spent and I didn't even get that much money but I one paycheck I
01:01:30
got it was like we got $4,500 that was for a week of work a week of
01:01:36
work right which is good money but in showbiz not not show business right
01:01:41
right so and then what you get you do with taxes and your agents and managers you get mm but I spent the whole [ __ ]
01:01:48
thing on Christmas gifts because I was so desperate for people to like you you for people to like me right
01:01:54
and I would write letters to people that I knew didn't like me thank you so much you know man what was the gift I got everyone different things like I went
01:02:01
specific like I'm gonna buy this person wine because I think they like wine that's a lot and I did you know I did it
01:02:07
and ever I'm going to eat and then giving it to people and then they're going them going Thanks they have to
01:02:17
yeah I can't hate you accept it but I just remember me being so needy and just going here we go from
01:02:23
my bottom I think happy like me yeah oh my I wish I had what was the most
01:02:29
expensive thing you bought I bought like um like a first generation iPod or
01:02:34
something like that for like a producer that I didn't I knew they didn't like me did you like you after but then what
01:02:40
happened was there was a magazine there was an Asian magazine where I called everyone out right
01:02:46
what's the Asian magazine called it was called noodle weave in Korea a more it was something like that and I remember it was the first year as
01:02:54
I'm mad and I remember calling people out specifically this writer you know mean hasn't written me a single sketch
01:02:59
and I remember coming to work and one of the particulars uchi one of the producers going we have a problem coming
01:03:06
into the conference room and I walk into the conference room and there's a stack
01:03:12
of these magazines and like six people that called out they got hash this out
01:03:19
that's just not right now
01:03:26
yeah how would they know this is before the internet yeah how the [ __ ] would they know about some Korean magazine
01:03:31
because one of them is got it no one of them somebody told someone someone I don't
01:03:37
know how they did and it was so you have to apologize no I didn't because I know
01:03:46
I would defense if I go to cuz they listen I know I'm not a second city guy I know that you guys write for only
01:03:52
second city guys right right I'm a comic I don't know how to can do this thing right and I know that
01:03:58
you know I wasn't good I wasn't good I was terrible at a terrible table reads and I was so bad at rehearsal I just
01:04:05
I've never been on a show before so I would just like you know I was scared yeah you were learning I was I learned
01:04:12
to do everything on that show and you're great it took me years yeah right but
01:04:18
eventually I learned but um I remember defending myself I go yeah but they did
01:04:25
do these things right what did the people say and they were like yelling at me do you new on the show white we shut
01:04:32
the [ __ ] up yeah I mean and I always some of the writers do you remember who they I don't wanna get him come on no we'll be right
01:04:43
back after these messages no what do you mean you can see me you're it's already it's in the past you
01:04:48
mentioned the writer before no no no are they still writing yeah their own killer named one of them that you loved all the
01:04:55
writers I did love it would give me the one no there give me the one that you called out that you actually really like there's a okay so there was a couple of
01:05:02
writers on the show that um that I didn't would didn't like me at first but
01:05:07
over the years of being me on the show they became our allies and they wrote me the best sketches I've ever been on
01:05:12
that's huge yeah do you still work with any of them now no hmm that's why I love
01:05:19
them dearly miss them and I think they're super talented and I actually one of them Harvard guys there's their
01:05:26
Groundlings guys but they always have a couple of Harvard Pete writers and stuff yeah yeah there'll be these guys were groundling guys yeah and but I can talk
01:05:33
about that had some allies as well you're gonna be on the show early on what actors were allies
01:05:39
wasn't first coalition Michael McDonald was he an ally now he hated you huh I think he did yeah does he hate you now I
01:05:46
love him love him to death I didn't talk to him for years how about SAS he was the only one he's
01:05:53
the only one him and mo Collins him and Mo yeah Alex Borstein was on her way out you know she
01:05:59
yeah yes a Borstein was very nice to me but why do I know who she is she
01:06:05
massively famous yeah so Borstein was super-sweet yeah and she was she would
01:06:11
give me pointers and this and that but um it was really will well so was the
01:06:17
one that really was the only one that was like come over the house I'm having barbecue or let's go to this party yeah
01:06:23
so I went I did a bunch of [ __ ] and then I betrayed him what did you do when he
01:06:29
left the show I started getting popular on the show and then for like a three or four year period he would text me like I
01:06:35
would never return his tags he said you Pete that's a piece I should think why would you do that I see ok
01:06:43
with you now oh yeah we're very good friends but I mean what was the makeup point you said I'm sorry I got ahead of myself it was
01:06:50
when my career wasn't doing well and it wasn't not doing well and I had been
01:06:57
friends with daliyah mm-hmm but D'Elia and his friends with Jillian Kalyn yeah
01:07:02
and this is when they were doing 10-minute podcast right I was hanging out together and then they invited me
01:07:08
they were going to coffee being in Los Feliz and I met will they're there as
01:07:13
well and I made my amends I told him I loved them and then we became friends again that's really nice yeah well I
01:07:19
mean you you for a long time dude as long as I've known you you did have a lot of phone problems you had a lot of
01:07:26
phone issues you're you were not good for a long time and texting back and stuff you know that's true yeah but I've
01:07:31
we bitched about it in the past I'm better now you're much better you know who you know why you're better why that's one person who it's a girl kalila
01:07:39
mm-hmm that's not why she's made you better not in the I've been dating for seven fourteen years and in the last six
01:07:46
months I've been [ __ ] do being better at texting back he's because when my dad died and I went to that place and I got
01:07:53
sober again isn't what I was a part of my it's a part of my being present and
01:07:58
being accountable who was there the whole nine ville you redhead freak who is there to work you through it Kyle was
01:08:05
there gold all over who is kalila you [ __ ] I'll rip your eyebrows whenever I
01:08:10
get a text back from you by the way I got two separate text the other day one from Bobby and one from kalila maybe
01:08:16
the funniest and I'm not kidding I laughed harder that afternoon that I've laughed in
01:08:22
and I mean this in years Bobby sent me a picture of his [ __ ] resting on his balls
01:08:28
outside of above his pants he was doing over the fence everyone knows over the fence through
01:08:33
the Gator over the fence but it's over the fence his balls were over at the top of his boxers and his dick was resting on it and he's going like this it's far
01:08:40
away and you kind of have to focus in to see his penis because it's the focus in the picture is up here and then you look
01:08:46
down of course there's his penis and I laugh because I've seen his penis and that's very funny within seconds babam I
01:08:52
get another text yeah from kalila yeah it's the same picture from a different angle and she
01:08:58
just writes from a different angle so
01:09:05
made me laugh so [ __ ] hard yeah to get another perspective of the exact same photo yeah it just made me it just
01:09:12
was like that's that's real love when you send a picture of your penis to your buddy and your girlfriend goes I'm gonna
01:09:18
get a picture of you getting a picture of your penis to send it to the friend who's who's very soft send those dick pics to you and daliyah I know cuz I can
01:09:25
handle it he doesn't like that [ __ ] he'll go I'll tell you what his response was it's right here so D'Elia said there
01:09:35
he is right there so he goes do you ever have to see this stuff Jules you ever like see his penis and all that stuff no
01:09:40
that's gross so it says you see his butt shut up Jules you never see my [ __ ]
01:09:46
have you speakin to Mike have you really seen his butt when did you see my butt oh yeah on stage yeah no [ __ ] yeah
01:09:55
everyone's seen that Jules come on but still uncomfortable for her it's like I'm going to cover this so I said
01:10:01
thinking of you mm-hm and he goes damn it Bobby yeah but
01:10:08
you know he gets the joke he doesn't love those jokes but he gets him you know he does get it yeah he gets him
01:10:14
chris has a good sense of humor nice we will dinner he always goes he can Toki do a show and I always go okay
01:10:21
so we'll be at like swingers or something rest in peace rest in peace swingers and I will pull my dick out and
01:10:28
at the table right and I'll stretch out the little skin that wings yeah and dude Toki the dumb-dumb will do
01:10:34
like a little acapella hello my bookie dum-dum hello you know I
01:10:40
mean a new whole thing and they just laugh and laugh and laugh it's a gift that keeps on giving
01:10:46
when do you think you'll stop doing stuff like that never even like 60s and 70s Oh 48 now you're 48 yeah holy Shi
01:10:55
hold are you [ __ ] you Bobby 40 [ __ ] you Bobby hey 42 what are you
01:11:02
you know I'm below 40 are you 38 lower 36 lower you are lower 35 lower 34 low
01:11:10
we're already three lower I'm not just tell me now 31 you're only 31 no Bobby I'm not I know
01:11:17
that's impossible I'm 36 possible I'm 36 are you really your [ __ ] eyes I am
01:11:25
I'm 36 what do I care what just tell me the truth you brought an illegal Filipino child and you're gonna say whatever the
01:11:31
[ __ ] I want to you know I'm 36 Andrew Santino was born in 83 the internet will
01:11:36
tell you the truth yeah Hades baby God 40 or 48 when I first
01:11:42
[ __ ] moved here you're 36 years old yeah it's a funny when you put Andrew
01:11:49
Santino the first photo that goes up is and then it says 48 right here [ __ ] you
01:11:55
well that's what's Andrew Santino's age right yeah 36 look at the first photo
01:12:00
you yeah and this is 48 well you know why it says you 48 what cuz people know
01:12:06
that we're in love and people want to associate love with with their buds with their pals do 40 it has all the people
01:12:12
huh yeah it does like suggested searches and stuff like yet yeah I don't like [ __ ] like that you know it's been doing a lot you know I talked about I'm not
01:12:20
gonna say it but I talked about something recently doing something to my house I was like I really need to get this done before the summer so hopefully
01:12:28
I can get this done in the meantime at all this [ __ ] Instagram everyday ad for it and ad for
01:12:35
it pops up on my Google searches now what is it I can't say it just say it
01:12:41
I can't just focus here and we'll cut it out 15 jet hot tub 15 seat hot tub
01:12:47
it's a boat I want a boat for my house and the roof so no but now that answer let me ask you something yeah on
01:12:54
Instagram because I just all the ads that I get right for some reason are
01:13:00
about cats maybe if you talk about cats like cat beds yep cat toys why does it
01:13:06
how does it know that I like you search for cute cats and when you said you do searches for cats on Instagram do you
01:13:13
ever look at cat profiles I follow about 20 cat profiles what the [ __ ] oh it does
01:13:21
that of course it knows so if I start let's say if I start following
01:13:26
hamburgers yep it'll it'll give me grill add ads and anything there of anything
01:13:33
around there I follow a couple of car I [ __ ] a couple of car car Instagram
01:13:38
things yeah so you get car ass so not only that it's really even below that it goes even deeper there's a guy named
01:13:44
Matt Watson who's on a thing called car Wow which is a YouTube channel I get suggestions every day to follow him on
01:13:50
Instagram I don't get a wow that that's how it's absolutely it's at algorithms are deep they but it goes to the
01:13:56
weirdest crevasse yeah sometimes it goes a place where I'm like how would you even know that I'd be interested in that by the way I am ask Jules so I've
01:14:03
ordered probably 10 cat products of Instagram I and I know it's working
01:14:09
no but no is it no it's not because I've paid for them yeah they say they've arrived at my house there's none in the
01:14:16
house you're just getting robbed I don't know 15 of them the little you know
01:14:22
controlled mouse thing the salmon that flips up and down oh the salmon the flips I think that's a funny ad I've
01:14:28
bought and all that I bought a cat window thing will you put it on the BET and I have you follow the tracking yeah
01:14:35
arrived and it says it's arrived maybe is it going to your old place no I just
01:14:41
don't I don't know none of it is and I asked her she was there I had a meltdown
01:14:46
over it wasn't true why would he get it what happened let me hear from Jules
01:14:53
what happened Jules the closer to the mic we were driving
01:14:59
and then he asked at the kalila to help him and then I think a lie that said that I'm doing something else and then
01:15:06
he got really mad and he threw a fit yeah and he said you don't want to help
01:15:12
me thank you make you make me sound like I'm the bad guy then I think I'll I got mad and yelled
01:15:20
at him what did she say to him for God did she cussed him yeah I think so
01:15:25
yes a fight it was a five real fight a real fight that's a real fight over cat stuff it's okay I know baby I know you
01:15:35
want your cat stuff you want me to start buying and see if it comes to me I already spent all the money on it well can't you follow up and goo pants I
01:15:41
bought these bamboo pants all right here we go if there's any cat companies out there they make cool cat stuff will you please send some to Bob please I just
01:15:48
want the salmon one I want the little remote control my mouse one he wants the floppy salmon the remote we don't have
01:15:53
and the window hammock can we get that stuff please whoever does need the cat stuff yeah I already paid for them so
01:15:58
give it to me just give it to him will ya yeah what a good day today this has been a good day I want to thank Ted months
01:16:06
for our amazing new art we're gonna hang up the other signs when we get a chance it's been a great day please stay safe
01:16:11
say that please you know here I want to say let's not end right now let me just say about a little some Quarantine
01:16:17
advice okay okay I know dudes now personally that are dying from it you do
01:16:23
yeah you know not personally but I know better than personally but like John
01:16:30
Prine just died yeah that's really I love that guy yeah rest in peace man he's awesome the lead singer from
01:16:35
[ __ ] founds of Wayne died we really yeah he did yeah holy [ __ ] so you know
01:16:43
on a sink you know the weak are gonna die off this and it's like we don't he's
01:16:49
Adam wouldn't have died if he had the flu you know what's so funny they still have gatherings if they say it's
01:16:54
gatherings of 10 or more so those people are still getting together groups of 10 that have to be around other people have
01:17:00
you seen his preacher there's a preacher that yeah in Tampa Bay he did like 1,500 people or some churches are still going
01:17:06
on in Louisiana in Florida what's it what was his name do you know what his name was there was a rest yeah he had a gathering of 1800 people
01:17:13
no that's not the guy though this is oh yeah yeah here it is yeah this guy this is a bad guy yeah holding church
01:17:21
services stay at home order yeah this guy look at it look at this look at this guy's face that's Jesus there very good
01:17:27
yeah very good preacher though yeah my favorite i'm mateus louisiana they're still holding a church services god i
01:17:34
can't why are they doing that man I know Jesus I know I tweeted about it I this woman it said did you see this on on
01:17:42
Twitter I'd said this woman was like I'm be I'm covered in Jesus's blood it's never gonna affect me have you seen
01:17:48
this this this is ridiculous I mean people think that people if people think
01:17:56
that that's gonna save them but what they don't get is is that I don't give a [ __ ] what you do yeah I'm okay but your
01:18:04
actions affect the rest of you are just attack that's a great remix - yeah yeah
01:18:20
this woman though she goes I'm cover to Jesus blood they're not gonna kill me you're not gonna get me yeah what an insane idea to be like I'm fine
01:18:26
stay safe do the best that you can get thank you for being a bad friend
01:18:36
you [Music]
01:18:48
you
